Life After I Do Podcast
Marriage and relationships can be tough. You may feel like you’re the only one struggling but you’re not. Life After I do is a weekly podcast where Morice and Kynesha, a black married millennial couple, share their experiences and advice on everything from kids and family to intimacy and connection. Noting is off limits.
In their 24 years together and 10 years of marriage, Morice and Kynesha have learned a lot about what it takes to make a relationship work. They know the importance of communication, trust and commitment. They also know it’s okay to not have it all figured out.
Join them every Wednesday as they talk about their own journey of “Life After I do”.
Life After I Do Podcast
Setting Boundaries: Parenting Edition
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Setting boundaries with your kids is not about being mean. It is about teaching respect, emotional regulation, responsibility, and the difference between having feelings and acting disrespectfully. In this episode, Nesha G and Moelethal talk about parenting through real life, from broken bones and big feelings to screen-time rules, household standards, and kids learning that every choice has a consequence.
The episode opens with a packed family week: Mini-Booski double fractured her foot right as gymnastics season was gearing up, Nesha competed in her first powerlifting competition, hit new platform PRs, and the family pushed through another busy August. From there, the conversation shifts into what it really looks like to set boundaries with children while still making them feel loved, heard, and protected.
Nesha and Moe discuss why kids can be upset without being disrespectful, why parents should not make consequences they will not enforce, why screen time and social media need strict limits, and why children need a voice but not always a vote. They also ask whether being the breadwinner is enough of a parenting contribution and close with Our 2 Cents stories about stay-at-home parenting expectations, student loans, and a wedding cake gift that got out of hand.
Thanks for rocking with us! Don’t forget to follow Life After I Do so you never miss an episode. Got a relationship situation you want us to weigh in on? Hit us at https://beacons.ai/laidpodcast — we just might talk about it in a future episode.
Cold Open: Bath Bomb in the Sink
SPEAKER_02What in the world is in your sink? And then she looked at me and she was like, Oh, I was playing with a bath bomb. It's in the title. She was. She's learned now that she has learned. She has learned that I'm gonna just go ahead and take the L, but I'm gonna tell the truth. Because she learned that the hard way. She will take the L because she knows she knows what kind of mama she got. So she just gonna take the L. Hey
Welcome Back to Life After I Do
SPEAKER_02everybody, and welcome back to your weekly dose of the Life After New podcast.
SPEAKER_00How y'all doing? How y'all doing?
SPEAKER_02I'm trying, Grandpa. I'm I'm tired, Grandpa. That's too damn bad.
SPEAKER_04That's that has been our mantra for the last this whole month. I'm tired, Grandpa.
SPEAKER_02That's too damn bad.
SPEAKER_04We still got shit to do.
SPEAKER_02We got lots going on. We got like hey Buski. Hi. You look good. Thank you. I'm over here like draining my allergies, my sinuses. That's crazy.
SPEAKER_04Getting sinuses at the end of the summer is crazy word.
SPEAKER_02I know, I know. But my nose hurts and it's like draining. I'm doing my I'm doing the best I can, y'all. I'm trying. I'm trying, Dr. Now. Okay, so if you're watching if you're watching this on YouTube and you see me having to constantly catch the running faucet of my nose, I apologize in advance.
SPEAKER_04But we showed up.
SPEAKER_02But we showed up. We we showed up, okay? And I'm about to show out. Okay, let's not. But yeah, we showed up.
SPEAKER_04So let's go ahead. Let's talk about it. Let's get into the week. Let's come on. I'm gonna, you know what? I'm gonna surrender all my time to you.
SPEAKER_02Don't do that. Tell me about your know your experience of your week. Oh, you know, my week was good.
SPEAKER_04Okay, well, maybe I watched people in this family
Broken Bones and First Competitions
SPEAKER_04uh experience a lot of firsts. Our first broken bones, our first competitions, and it wasn't my first, but I stood around and said, What the fuck? A lot.
SPEAKER_02That's a lot happening this week.
SPEAKER_04It was so it was it was a tiring, uh draining week, but we had fun. We got through it, a lot was accomplished. There was a lot of a lot of pride in the house this week. You know, so you know that's it. It was good. That's it. Go ahead and get into it.
SPEAKER_02Get into it to uh start off last week. Um,
Mini Booski Double Fractures Her Foot
SPEAKER_02our our beautiful Minnie Booski, our our brand new nine-year-old Minnie Booski double fractured her foot. As we're gearing up for her season of gymnastics, um, you know, her and her slime. And she was playing in that slime again, and you know, accidents happened, and she ended up double fracturing her foot. Um, and all this happened the week of the last week of my prep going into my first competition.
SPEAKER_04Yay.
SPEAKER_02So I competed for the first time this past weekend in my first power lifting competition. So that
Nesha’s First Powerlifting Competition
SPEAKER_02was fun. That was nice. I got my first medal. Okay. Okay. Okay, good. Okay. I got to live some heavy shit in front of a lot of people. That was really fun.
SPEAKER_04That's really all it is.
SPEAKER_02But you you wouldn't believe, like, okay, I don't, I wouldn't say I was, I wouldn't necessarily say I was nervous, but it was uh like nerve-wracking a little bit because like right before you start, everyone's quiet and everyone's like looking at you, and you can feel everyone's energy. You can feel the eyes. And then when you start, that's when everyone's like starts yelling and cheering because they're like trying to push you on. So that part, that part I love. Like I love the interaction, I love the community. Like the one thing I kept hearing about like going to competition is just like the community, like gym community, lifting community, and just the people. And I made three new friends, I've spoken to lots of coaches, like we had so much fun in the back. Like, I really did not expect for it to be like like it was.
SPEAKER_04Let me tell y'all something about that.
SPEAKER_02But it was, it was, it was amazing. I loved it. Shout out to my new besties.
SPEAKER_04Speaking, speaking of in the back of at the power lift, I it was so many bodies back there. So many. It was a lot. At one point, I looked around and said, This is how COVID started.
SPEAKER_02Okay, by the way, look, and then my nose is ready.
SPEAKER_04I don't have COVID though, guys. I said this, it is so hot from all the bodies back here. Yeah, everybody's screaming and yelling, spitting, hollering. I said, This is it. It's a lot. This is how this is how the outbreak starts. Okay, this is not how the outbreak starts. Cut it out. And then I realized, I said, this is just an event where people get together and try to PR. Yes. And push other people to PR.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, push people to be the very best they were.
SPEAKER_04And I said, it's really, it's I it was a couple haters there.
SPEAKER_02No, it wasn't.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, I saw.
SPEAKER_02Okay. Well, I wasn't paying attention to that.
SPEAKER_04There was a couple haters there.
SPEAKER_02I wasn't paying attention to that because I was having a good time.
SPEAKER_04Oh, I I was very much still in full on husband-dad mode.
SPEAKER_02Oh, okay. Well, I was having a good time.
SPEAKER_04I'm gonna tackle him, I'm gonna shoot him. Okay. I can knock her over. Bye. If this shit goes out, I know I'll get I'll get my family out of here.
SPEAKER_02But yeah, it was super fun. I did, did hit, I mean, technically, everything I hit on the platform was a PR because it was my first competition. So, like now, yeah, now it's an actual, it's an actual PR. Also, just FYI, I am now officially a power lifter. Because you know, that's a that's a big thing too. It's like, oh yeah, you just practiced to be a power lifter, but have you competed? Yes, I have. So I'm I'm an official power lifter now. Thank you very much.
SPEAKER_04Let me tell y'all song.
SPEAKER_02She she's been on a high since Saturday. It's been nice. Until until I went into the gym today. Oh, yeah, she was and then because in my head, in my head, I'm still like, okay, yeah, I didn't, I did a lot this weekend. But yeah, I'm fresh. I can't.
Recovering After Meet Day
SPEAKER_02I just looked at it as like a really heavy SBD day, you know? Okay. But usually after that, you do like peak and you rest for like five days after that. But that's neither here nor there. In my mind, I was still that girl.
SPEAKER_04I said, don't you think she should be resting?
SPEAKER_02No. No, I did rest.
SPEAKER_04Okay, one day.
SPEAKER_02So, but anyway, um, but I did hit 360 thanks to my husband on squat. My husband put that 360 on there on squat. And when I looked at it, it moved like butter, and it felt like we could have went higher.
SPEAKER_04I said, I said something told me 370, but I didn't want to be mad at me. She had been fighting me all day about what numbers I'm putting on. I wasn't fighting you.
SPEAKER_02I just didn't want to like, you know.
SPEAKER_04I'll tell you what, next meet, it's gonna be a surprise every time she went on.
SPEAKER_02Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_04I'm gonna tell her where we're gonna start.
SPEAKER_02And that's it. That's it. That's it. That's it.
Helping Phoenix Handle Her Injury
SPEAKER_02Um, so that was really, that was really, really nice. Um, but yeah, so everything was fun. Um, my baby, you know, she she's starting to milk this uh not being able to walk on two feet situation. But yesterday I was like, girl, because we've been carrying her up and down the stairs. And I was like, you still got one good foot and it's stairs. And when you were two, you used to crawl up the stairs and crawl down the stairs. And guess what?
SPEAKER_03You finna crawl up the stairs.
SPEAKER_02You finna crawl up these stairs. And then she was like, Mommy, I can. And then she was like, Can you carry my crutches? I was like, I think you can do it with the crutches. And she was like, How? I was like, put them together, hold the side. We gotta get creative. You're strong enough.
SPEAKER_04Hold on, wait. Then she told me she did it. Then she told me that I now I crawl up downstairs because you know what? Like, did you know I was a fast crawler? Yeah, because like from ever since I was like a baby, I was I've been a fast crawler.
SPEAKER_03That's okay.
SPEAKER_04Wow, okay. Just just just from okay, you're a very fast crawler, babe.
SPEAKER_02Yes, yeah. Well, since I was a baby, I was a fast crawler. And then she was like, Man, this other leg is gonna be so strong. I was like, it is. And she was like, What's gonna happen to this leg, her leg, her hurt leg? And I was like, You just you gonna have to work that one, you're gonna push that one through so it can be strong like the other one.
SPEAKER_04A couple more isolation sets.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you'll you'll be good. You'll be good as new girl. And so that's what we've been like focusing on because she was a little sad, like at first, like after we came back from the emergency room, and they were telling us like it's a double fracture and she won't be on it for at least like minimum uh eight weeks, you know? And so we were talking. She said that one week down, yeah, she's counting the weeks. And I was like, I'm so sorry, baby. I was like, you're not gonna be able to like, you know, obviously do gymnastics at full capacity. And to watch my baby cry, and her heart was just like broken. And she was like, What about competition? And I was like, girl.
SPEAKER_04Girl, what about my money?
SPEAKER_02No, it's not about you. Stop saying that. My money can't get it back, it doesn't matter. It's about how she it is about how she feels. And I was like, go to the episode, man. Fuck your kids. You're obligated to take care of her. You chose that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. So, anywho, my baby's part, my baby's heart was broken. Yeah, and she sat in that passenger seat, and I watched her cry, and I was like, it's okay. Did she ugly cry? She ugly cried a little bit. And I was like, it's okay. And so I told her, I said, um, I said, look at it this way. Like we can look at this, you know, like a bad thing, whatever. We can be upset about it, depressed about it, but we're not gonna do that. I said, because everything happens for a reason. I said, right? So maybe this is a good reset that you need so that when you get better and you healed and you hit you hit that tumble track again and you hit that floor, triple, triple backhand. You're gonna be even more determined to be better than you were before. And so now she's been on this whole kick of like, she she she keeps saying, Mom, I'm gonna be so strong when I come back. That's what she always, Mom, I'm gonna be so strong when I come back. And I was like, You will be. You will be strong. She will be strong.
SPEAKER_04I should do a push-up.
SPEAKER_02I can't. My leg. Well, she needs her foot to, I mean, unless you want her to do it on one foot, she's not gonna do that.
SPEAKER_04She's doing her knees.
SPEAKER_02She could, but yeah, so I was like, okay, baby, you got it.
SPEAKER_04But I also um, this has nothing to do with my child. I just want to say that I don't know your name. But to the left judge, the meat, okay. Cut it out. I'll see you next time. I'm gonna give you a hug for the meat started because I don't know what I don't know what you was on.
SPEAKER_02Bye. No, I mean, I appreciate I appreciate all the judges. Shout out to all the judges at the competition this past week because I mean, I was trying to, you know, me trying to hit ass the grass with the pelvis that I have is it's it's not biomechanically possible. I don't see I don't have a problem with it when you don't talk. Bye. It's not biochemically like possible, whatever, you know? And so I was like, I was really concerned about my depth. I really was, but I was like, you know what? I'm just gonna go out there and do what I do. And my depth has gotten so much better. My squat has gotten so much smoother. Yeah. And like, even when I look back on the videos, I was like, oh shh, that that moved really smooth. And I went nine for nine in my squats. So like that was that was one of the highlights of the whole competition for me because that's the one thing that I was a little iffy on, but I was like, nine for nine on squats, my first rodeo out. I'll take it.
SPEAKER_03Three for three, baby. Not for nine.
SPEAKER_02Oh, you know what I mean. Well, you know what you said, it's all together. So, like I said, um, so yeah, I was I was I couldn't have been happier. Now that deadlift. No, that bench. No, the deadlift first on the henching, the hitching. You do hitch a little bit. I did hitch a little bit, but they saw it wasn't a downward motion. It was just me trying to get it over my shorts. But now that I know that I'm gonna have to go out there in bikini bottoms, that's that's what it's gonna be. We're gonna pull those pants all the way up.
SPEAKER_04I said, let them thighs breathe.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, we're gonna have to have some coochie cutters on. We're gonna pull those puppies up. So next competition. Well, as long as your lips are hanging out. Next competition, they're gonna be like, is she wearing a bathing suit or a singlet? Both. Mind your business. Both. Both of them. Both of them. And we're in both of them because that's what we gotta do for these things.
SPEAKER_04Is that a breeze or is she cheeky?
SPEAKER_02Bye.
Setting Boundaries With Your Children
SPEAKER_02But yeah, we had a really good weekend. Uh, shout out to my friends that came. I really appreciate the support. You guys are a maze balls for driving out there to tell me.
SPEAKER_04I thought I'm got flakes, too.
SPEAKER_02So bye, to support your girl. I that that meant so much to me to like see my it really did. Like, I loved obviously seeing my family and listening to me to be there. And listening to like my kid go, go, mommy, go, mommy. I was like, that's my baby. Wait a minute. That's my baby. That's my baby, y'all.
SPEAKER_04Y'all, this girl, this child of mine.
SPEAKER_02This legitimate. I realized, I thought about it.
SPEAKER_04I said, wait, she she legit took down 12 wings by herself.
SPEAKER_02Oh, yeah, she's she's a powerhouse. She's a growing girl. You know how they say she's a growing. There, he's a growing boy. She's a growing girl. She's a growing girl.
SPEAKER_04But it was great. We had a great weekend.
SPEAKER_02We had a great weekend. So, and I hope you guys had a great weekend as summer comes to an end. Yeah. Because winter is approaching. Which we were talking about today at the gym because the gym has been empty. No, the gym, uh not um EOS. EOS has been packed.
SPEAKER_04No, it was empty today.
SPEAKER_02No, no, towards that 10 o'clock, Mark.
SPEAKER_04Oh, well, I'm I'm out by then.
SPEAKER_02It was getting it was getting pretty busy.
SPEAKER_04Time to lock in.
SPEAKER_02Um, we got today, Booski. Today, we'll be talking about setting boundaries with your children.
SPEAKER_04I'd set boundaries with my wife first.
SPEAKER_02Because I, you know, I've got a children. What? I got a children. A child. A children. Who's gonna teach the child? Yeah, who's gonna teach the children? I have a children. Okay. And a lot of you have a children. And a lot of my mom friends, they also have a children.
SPEAKER_03Well, their moms. Yep.
SPEAKER_02Oh Lord Jesus. But no, we were we were just talking about like the other day, about setting boundaries with our kids. Because, you know, I think as a child, especially the the younger kids, right? It's not hard to kind of think why they would feel entitled to certain things, like especially. Well, I don't know why mine does. Well, you know. Um, but you know, as they get older too, there's a level of understanding that you know that your child should have, right?
SPEAKER_04I'm happy you said should have.
SPEAKER_02Right. But I think when we were talking about it, we were just talking about how how we don't, I feel like we don't see how important setting boundaries with your kids are until they become older or when they get to that like tween kind of teen age. And then we want to start trying to like reel things in or like set boundaries when they start, you know, when they start trying to show their ass. And so um we were just talking about like you're not, it's not wrong for parents to set boundaries even just with themselves, right? Like it's important for you to protect yourself as well. Like your feelings. And your feelings. They will hurt your feelings. My child will hurt my feelings all the time. They will hurt your feelings.
SPEAKER_04And so if my child let me know daily, I ain't shit. No, she doesn't. Dad, you dad, dad. I love you, Dad, but you're not mom.
SPEAKER_02I mean every day.
SPEAKER_04I mean she let it be known every day. I love you, but you ain't mama.
SPEAKER_02But but that's also, I feel like that's different stages and phases that kids go through too, right? So, like, she's in the phase and stage where like she's she's glued to me. She's my she's mean. Like, she wants to be with me. And then that's what I'm saying. As she gets older, you know, she may migrate a little bit away from me. Oh, you know. She'll be leaning and dependent on her friends and her peers. She'll come back, she might be under you, or she'll bounce back, she'll come back to me.
SPEAKER_04But I'm telling you right now, you have three years.
SPEAKER_02No, I don't, because I'm not, I don't put, I don't put that out there.
SPEAKER_04Once she hits that preteen, she's still gonna she's still gonna be. I want to be the best parent. No, I'm waiting for my time to shine.
SPEAKER_02If by the best parent, you mean giving in to what she wants, then yeah, of course. My princess. Yeah, of course. You don't treat her like that now. I do. No, not always. So I don't suspect that when she gets to the needing money, asking for money stage, asking for you're you're just gonna be willy-nilly passing out dubs.
SPEAKER_04Like from my daughter? Okay, shit.
SPEAKER_02Okay. Well, I just hope that you can uh make sure you put a boundary around that. I will.
SPEAKER_04So, you know, you're gonna take I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna reduce your spending and increase hers.
SPEAKER_02Okay, whatever. That's not a thing. Like I said, she doesn't have access to my bank account. Um she won't. Um, so boundaries.
Kids Can Be Upset, Not Disrespectful
SPEAKER_02First boundary, I think it goes across the board with everybody being upset. You can be upset, but you can't be disrespectful. Disrespectful. I you can be upset because your feelings are your feelings. Your feelings are valid because they're yours, and I can't tell you the experience that you're having with me or any other situation that you're in. But we're talking about parental boundaries, so I can't tell you how to feel about me, but what you won't be is disrespectful.
SPEAKER_04Well, you know, that's one thing I don't tolerate.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Because I'll tell her real quick, you're not gonna talk to my wife like that.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_04And she knows when I say my wife, right, she knows I'm serious. Yeah, because everyone, if I say your mom, she'll be like, ah, you're like, you know. When I say you're not gonna talk to my wife like that, right?
SPEAKER_02But sorry, mom. Yeah, because your emotions, your every every emotion can be acceptable, but every behavior is not.
SPEAKER_04Right. But and then and also the thing is it's like we I as a father, I want you to feel the emotions.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Because I want you to I want you to get used to them so you can regulate them. So when it happens and you you know what to expect. Like I don't, I don't want, while I don't want my child to have issues or problems, but I I still want her to know how to handle her emotions when they come up. And I understand, in order for her to know how to handle them, she has to experience it. Right. So sometimes I have to tell her no. Right.
SPEAKER_02And it's it's about, you know, the thing is too, is I always say that, especially in the formative years, children model what they see. Yeah, they're not in my situation, and I'm like most situations, but that's the one thing that I had come to learn really quick, and it was really becoming evident to me when she was about like six or seven, is she pays attention more to how I react in certain situations. Like, prime example, I think the first time it really dawned on me was when I was driving and somebody had cut me off. And my reaction was to be like, like, what the hell? You know, like go. And then what does she start doing every time we'd be on the freeway and there was a and there was like an if right, she would be like, Oh my gosh, these people can't drive. Girl, you know nothing about the road.
SPEAKER_04First of all, she has experience. No, she plays Mario Kart.
SPEAKER_02Okay, bye. But the point is, is that when there's any little like upset, I saw how she was reacting because that's how I react. Oh, but when I say something, right? Um, don't get on my nerves. My nose hurts today. My nose is running. Don't get on my nerves. Yes, love. I'm trying. Don't don't do it. Yes, don't do that. Okay, don't do that. Don't do that. You don't do that. Um, but yeah, so she really pays attention to reactions. Like, and the older she gets, I notice her reactions can be the same way. So that's why when I see her react a certain way, or when she talks a certain way, or when she gets flip-mouthed, it's like, oh yeah, I can see I can see where you've gotten that from. But hold on. Right. You can be upset, and like I tell her, you can be upset. Be upset, be angry. But what you're not going to be is disrespectful to me. It's okay. Like I tell her, it's okay for you to be angry. It's not okay for you to speak to me that way.
SPEAKER_04Um, right. Now that I agree.
SPEAKER_02It's not because she has got now she's nine, you know, she's growing up. She she's starting to, you know, feel her little girly feels and wanting to do the hair and trying to play in the like she's nine. She's still a little girl, but she's a girl, you know? And she has tried with the little flip-mouthingness. And I had to remind her, boo, you can be upset, babe. And I understand. But you're not finna talk to me like that. We're gonna get that under control. And then hold on. What she does is she gives me that stare. That's what that, yeah. No, she looks at me like this. Like you, like I'm almost like I'm getting on her nerves. Oh. And I be like, fix your face. Or she, or she folds her arms in front of me. And I tell her that's disrespectful too, because you can be disrespectful in your body language. And when I'm speaking to you, I'm not gonna have you sit up here and not make eye contact with me. Or when you do make eye contact with me, you're looking at me like I'm just, you know, like it's going through one ear after the other, and then your arms are folded, your hip is turned to the side. So I told her, unfold those arms, straighten out your body and fix your face.
SPEAKER_04Right.
SPEAKER_02Immediately. Immediately, because your body language is also being disrespectful. And it's not gonna be tolerated here. We're gonna stop this now because at 16.
SPEAKER_04I told her the other day, I said, I said, Phoenix, a lot of stuff you say, daddy would have no teeth.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_04I said, you know what? This I I understand that we are trying to parent differently, but now sometimes I'll be like, this is why we got beat.
SPEAKER_02This is exactly why this is exactly why they just went ahead and they did less talking and more ass whooping.
SPEAKER_04Because I think on Saturday I said, Phoenix, your problem. Is you ain't never had to go outside and collect three switches.
SPEAKER_02You never had to go get the old your old weapon to be used against you.
SPEAKER_04You don't know what that trauma feels like. You not really being appreciative of not knowing what that trauma feels like right now.
SPEAKER_02Right, right. But I mean, the thing too with discipline is this for me, discipline is intended to help guide and help develop a child, right? So it's like I do, I do think that kids should have a certain level. I don't even want to use the word fear when it comes to parents, but there should be a certain level of like hesitation that you don't want to push when it comes to your parents, right? And in an ideal world, kids would understand that I like I understand that my parents love me, but I also understand that they're not gonna put up with bullshit. And I also understand, like I while I always tell her, this household has standards. Right. This house, and what did I tell her the other day? You literally, if you play your cards right, girl, you can have anything you want. You just you can have anything you want. It's really not that difficult. But you need to be mindful of the standards that we have in this household.
SPEAKER_04And you gotta meet them.
SPEAKER_02And yeah, there's there are standards. And that's not to just put pressure on you. That's not, no, babe. It's you have there's standards that have to go on in this house. There's a routine that goes on in this house. Like when she comes in through the door, um, ma'am, that's not where your shoes go. We don't drop our back. There's literally a place for all of these things to happen. You're gonna follow the directions here because they and then when she did that huff and puff that one time, huff and puff again, and I'm gonna take one puff from your chest.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_02Huff and puff. She did that, she did that the other day because she left her bonnet. She left her bonnet in the uh at the entryway of my uh bedroom, and she had her shoes in my room. And as soon as I walked in, I was like, oh, those ain't my shoes, and that's not my bonnet. But she was downstairs, ready to go. I said, Oh, you gotta come back upstairs because you left a bonnet and a pair of shoes. And she was like, She's stomping up and down the stairs, unless you want to lose a foot.
SPEAKER_04Oh, she lost it.
SPEAKER_02Another one. I suggest you stop stomping up my damn staircase. And you come pick up these shoes and this bonnet. And then I knew she got the shoes, she put the shoes where they go, but then she had the bonnet. She looked down the hallway because she didn't think I was looking, and she tossed the bonnet in her room, like just threw it like on her bed. And so I knew she was gonna do that. And I yelled from I was behind, like the first step at the top of the staircase. And I was like, and put that bonnet where it goes, which is in your drawer. And she was like, Oh, one more puff, and you're gonna be one puff less. One more huff and puff, and I promise I'm gonna take one huff and one puff away away from you.
SPEAKER_04She always told me, she always tells me, Dad, I know, I know, dad, I know your wife comes first. I know.
SPEAKER_02Well, if you know, then you should you should behave as such.
SPEAKER_04Because the other day she said, Oh, wait, no, the other day she said, Why are you buying, why, why can mommy get a book and I can't get a book? I said, because I chose her. This is why mommy gets a book, because I chose her. So this I need to keep her happy.
SPEAKER_02It's not your turn to get a book today.
SPEAKER_04I like when you're happy, but I don't need you to be happy.
SPEAKER_02I need you to be a functioning member of society.
SPEAKER_04Mommy's happiness directly correlates to my day.
SPEAKER_02Bye. Yours does not. Bye.
No Means No
SPEAKER_02Um another boundary, no. No means no has to mean no. Now you and I, we've gotten in tiffs about this. We've gotten in not um no, and then you going back on the no.
SPEAKER_04Uh, because I thought about it.
SPEAKER_02No, it's not because you thought about it. No, it's not because you thought about it. No, but that's but that is that goes to another point because we've always talked about don't dish out disciplines that you're not gonna hold them accountable to. Like, if you're in the heat of the moment, because that's what you used to do a lot. Like, in the heat of the moment, when he's upset with her, he'll just dish out a discipline, but he don't, but he don't dish out the discipline with the foresight of knowing how that either affects my day or my day or that how it's gonna end up affecting his day. Right?
SPEAKER_04So when it starts to nextly affect my day, and that's what and that's when he reneges on it.
SPEAKER_02That's what that's when he would renege on it. And I'm like, oh no, sir. No, no, no. Because now when you do that, you're teaching her that your word is bullshit.
SPEAKER_04I'm I'm gonna mention I'm guilty of that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, your word is bullshit, and kids pick up on things really quick. And like I told him, you're not gonna want them. I think of everything like when she's a teenager.
SPEAKER_04Because I do. I'll think about tomorrow.
SPEAKER_02I do, that's great. Uh, I think about I think about 10, 11, 12, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 18. And all I be thinking about is like, okay, so now you're building another building block for her to know that your mouth, that your word is bullshit. So she knows that like all the time. I but she knows, like, okay, yeah, he's saying that now, but I know come Friday, like, that's my daddy. He's gonna he's gonna be sweet on me. He's not gonna let he's not gonna let me go without for the weekend. You know what? And it's hard because that's my little princess. I'm like, she's so adorable. Yeah, she's she's adorable now. She be kidding me. She's adorable now.
SPEAKER_04Like, throw it in the bag.
SPEAKER_02She's not, no. No. She's not gonna be a kid forever.
SPEAKER_04I'm telling you, I was she'll I'm I'm like, no, we're not doing that. And then she's then she'll smile and look at me. I'll be like, girl, spin that shit.
SPEAKER_02Okay. Spin that shit. Okay. That's that's fine sometimes.
SPEAKER_04Now I can tell you no. Because I I know.
SPEAKER_02You can say no all you want to because I know how to go out there and do it myself. Um, but the thing is, is like, I think about that because my biggest, and like most parents, my biggest like concern and what my job I feel like is, is to develop her as much as I possibly can while I have her so that she can be the best version of herself. She can be a good person. So that she can be a good person. But not only that, I want to feel confident that when my kid goes out into the world, that I can look at her and like have developed a relationship with her to the point where I know that I don't have to worry as much. Like you got a good head on your shoulders. I'm confident that you can make a good, decent decision for yourself. I'm confident that you can, you know, like I'm gonna have my worries and concerns because she's my kid, right?
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02But I don't want to just like send her out into the world and be thinking, like, damn, the girl, the girl don't even know how to pump her on gas. The girl don't even know how to, you know, I don't, I want to make sure that she is equipped enough as a young adult to get started. And then she's gonna learn everything she needs to learn as she lives her life.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_02You know what I mean? But I don't want her to be here and thinking, like, okay, well, you don't clean your room here, but then you want to go off to college and now you got a roommate and your roommate is like, damn, girl, why are you so dirty? That's because nobody held you accountable to keeping your room clean out at home. You know what I'm saying? It's like, yeah, yeah, it's it's like, well, damn, I didn't have no gas. Did you go get gas? Well, my dad normally does that on Fridays.
SPEAKER_04Like, oh, I'm gonna get her gas.
SPEAKER_02Oh, you will get her gas, but she still needs to know how to go get herself some gas.
SPEAKER_04If she goes to college, I'm gonna pull up on a on a Friday and get her gas.
SPEAKER_02Okay, I like to see it. I like to see it. Okay. What if she goes away for college? What if she decides not to go to college? Well, but she decides to move away.
SPEAKER_03Her daddy will pull up.
SPEAKER_02Because according to her, her and her husband are gonna be in France for a little bit with them and her six or seven kids.
SPEAKER_04By then, I could find a service that just drop it off at her house.
SPEAKER_02Okay. Bye.
Boundaries With Kids Online
SPEAKER_02Um, what about the boundary with kids being online?
SPEAKER_04I per I am of the belief that the boundaries should be very, very strict and very, very high. Very high. I don't I don't believe that the internet is a safe place for kids.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Even even in quote unquote kid spaces.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Because I feel like it you you don't know what they're consuming. You don't know what the messages behind it. Yeah. You don't know all these little um the just the amount of stuff I've had to block on Netflix. I said, how is this kid friendly? Yeah. You know, and then you then you have people pushing their agendas on to your child, teaching your child, now you got your child asking questions, then they shouldn't even be know nothing about this stuff.
SPEAKER_02AI. That's my biggest thing.
SPEAKER_04And the the Hold on, she said that that's clearly AI. I said, what you know about AI?
SPEAKER_02That's clearly AI. What you know about AI?
SPEAKER_04Well, she's been watching.
SPEAKER_02But that's one thing that I feel like our parents didn't have to take into consideration. They had, I mean, they took into consideration us being out and like maybe talking to a stranger. Yeah. But talking to a virtual stranger and a real stranger.
SPEAKER_04Right. And us being too many blocks away from the house.
SPEAKER_02Right. Right.
SPEAKER_04Exactly. The Lord knows I was on the other side of town.
SPEAKER_02But it's but it's like, as we as she, like, for you know, speaking from our own experiences, as she gets older, of course, we're we've been having a lot of conversations about the phone or like her having a little bit more access being online, even with the things that she watches. And um my biggest thing is for one, you don't need to be scrolling at all. You don't need to be scrolling. I'm crawl talking. Um, just you know, we don't need you having too many smooth parts on your brain. Let's just start there. Okay. Um, not only that, you you can't really differentiate what's going on, what you see when you're scrolling, you know? And even like, even though she has an Instagram account and she'll be like, oh mom, can I go to um like one of the little girls that she follows is another gymnast, and she'll be like, Can I just go to her page and look at her page? And I might let her look at her page for like 10 minutes.
SPEAKER_04Wait, let's clarify that. She has an Instagram account that's on your phone that she can't see unless we give you or give you a phone.
SPEAKER_02Oh, yeah, yeah. It's on it's on my phone.
SPEAKER_04Look, it's on my phone.
SPEAKER_02And she, it's not one of those situations where I give her the phone and then she goes off. Oh no.
SPEAKER_04No, because she's that's probably on the phone so bad.
SPEAKER_02Well, but it right understandably, because her friends have phones. And I understand that you know, even when she was crying, she was like, All my friends have phones. I don't understand why I can't have a phone. You're gonna get a phone when it's time for you to get a phone. And like I told her, if you want just the phone, if it's just the phone that you want, which I know it's not just the phone, you having a phone, we can get you a phone. Track phone, a phone, flip phone, but like I told her, you will have a phone that calls me, daddy, and granny, and probably your papas. I said, but Phoenix, it ain't gonna have no Snapchat, Instagram, YouTube. And then she was looking at me like, then what the hell is the point? Exactly. That's the point. That's the point, girl. You're it's not, it's not your time to do all of that right now. And like I always tell her, I'm not trying to be mean. That's not that's not what I'm trying to do. What I am trying to do is make sure that you're safe and to protect you, right? Yeah, and when it's your time to have all those things and to experience those things, you will, but you're not gonna do it right now because it's pointless. There's I don't see any reason why you at nine years old needs to have a phone and be on social media.
SPEAKER_03She don't, and she won't.
SPEAKER_02You don't. And if you want and she likes to make videos, okay. I do let her make videos. I let her make videos. There's uh hundreds of videos on my phone. She likes to prop up the the camera and she'll do her dances or she does like her skincare. I have that's fine.
SPEAKER_03But it ain't gonna be a little bit more.
SPEAKER_02And even if I do, like if she wants to post them, I may post them to her Instagram, but that's something I'm doing because that's something I'm overseeing. And then she could see her video and that's it. But you're not finna sit there and try to track followers and like see how many people want to look at your video. And because all that stuff, especially with young girls, all that stuff starts to play on their brain.
SPEAKER_04Peer pressure is crazy.
SPEAKER_02Peer pressure is crazy. Peer pressure is crazy, and that's why even I was on the fence about the whole Instagram thing, because even when we have first started her page, um, one of the first questions out of her mouth was, How many followers do I have? And I was like, See?
SPEAKER_03And shut it down.
SPEAKER_02See, and I don't mind her being curious. I don't mind her being curious. It's natural, it's normal. This is the Asia she's growing up in, and I understand that, and I can't shield her from everything, but I'm just trying to do my best to like curve it. You know what I mean? Like curve it. Like, yes, she's gonna get a phone eventually. Yes, you know, I'm not with her 24 hours a day, and I do know that she's with the the friends who have phones. Oh, she's I've pulled up at school before, and they were, yeah, she was uh scrolling in uh her friend was scrolling in YouTube, and here's Phoenix right over her shoulder. Oh, so I'm not naive.
SPEAKER_04I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say she definitely gets her secondhand scroll on.
SPEAKER_02Oh, she did. Secondhand scroll is crazy.
SPEAKER_04You know, but I think but all this is if we're teaching her that you don't get everything you want.
SPEAKER_02Right. And it increases with maturity. Right.
SPEAKER_04And that's what I try to teach her. And I tell all the time, I say, Phoenix, when we feel like you can handle these things, who give me more things. I said, but you you struggling with what we handed to you already. Right. I said, you gonna keep your iPad charged, you don't you don't even keep your Chromebook charged. You gotta charge that every day for school.
SPEAKER_02But the thing too about the iPad, she only worries about it on the weekend because that's when she gets screens. So she doesn't do, we don't do screens during the weekday. She gets screens like two hours on the weekend, and that's when she like calls her bestie. She calls her, like, you know, calls her cousins, and she'll like uh play the games on her um iPad and stuff like that. But like I told her, the older you get and the more mature that you become, that's how these things happen. We don't just hand them to you because you're 13. If if you're not a mature 13-year-old, guess what? You ain't gonna have either. You still ain't gonna get it.
SPEAKER_04But I told her, I said, I said, I said, part of the problem is that we have to constantly remind you to do the things you're supposed to do. And you know you always say we can't allow you to have free range over the things you want to do because you're not even doing what you're supposed to do. Consistently. If I have to I have to keep reminding you to pick up your shoes and to do your homework and take a shower.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, but she's really good at it when she knows there's something coming up that she wants. Like she be, she be on the dime. Like if it's something coming up, that's she's on the dime. That's why I said that girl knows how to follow a good instruction.
SPEAKER_04I said, that's why I said, Phoenix, it's it's it's almost bedtime to go to bed. What time is it? I said, it's seven o'clock, baby. Mommy said, I don't want to go to bed at eight. I said, still hang up that iPad, tell Gabby goodnight, and then hang. I said, You can watch T for 30 more minutes, that's it. Okay. I said, I said you can tell time when you want to do something you want to do.
SPEAKER_02Right, right, right, right.
SPEAKER_04But yeah, like you, I I try to tell that all the time. Like I tell her, I said, baby, just like how your choice, uh just how every choice has a consequence, yeah. You know, you're not gonna get everything you want because you're not you're not ready for some of the stuff.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and that's okay. That's not a bad thing. That just means that when it's time for you to experience those things, it's it's going to be an experience. It's gonna be something that you can be like I want her to be excited when she gets her first cell phone. Like genuinely excited, you know. She's gonna be excited, but it's gonna be a form of excitement where I know the phone's gonna be charged. I know the phone is gonna, it's probably it's gonna stay glued to her hand. By that time, you might be able to go get one and plant it.
SPEAKER_04But she won't have it. But I'll be trying to tell her, like, with these, you know, these every everything has responsibility. These privileges have responsibility. Yeah. And you're not even taking, you're not. I remember we used to we used we used to fight with her just keeping her iPad clean. She had uh the syrup, jelly, apple juice.
SPEAKER_02I mean, the old spirit is she was a little bit younger.
SPEAKER_00I thought she was seven.
SPEAKER_02That's still really young. You why is there jelly on the iPad? Because she said I can still see the clean uh this the screen, as long as it wasn't blocking a part of the screen. It didn't bother her. I was like, it was driving me crazy and it wouldn't even mind. But you don't have a seven-year-old brain. You had a you had a 37-year-old brain.
SPEAKER_04I said, girl, you if you touch my TV with your hand one more time.
SPEAKER_02The joys of the joys of childhood. Oh yeah. Setting the boundary of not always getting what you
Privileges Come With Responsibilities
SPEAKER_02want. Yeah, that's what we just talked about. Yeah. I thought it's okay. Yeah, that's that's basically it. Um privileges come with responsibilities. Yeah, like I said, you got that's it.
SPEAKER_04You want a room, but you gotta keep it clean.
SPEAKER_02You asked for a whole brand new bedroom set.
SPEAKER_04She said, uh, I'm waiting for mommy to help me clean my room.
SPEAKER_02I said, What? No, you're not. No, you're not. Wait, no, you're not.
SPEAKER_04I said, no, you're not. I said, my wife has to tend to me.
SPEAKER_02Bye. She got time for you. Well, the thing is, is I I do help her when we deep clean the room, I help her deep clean the room. Stop doing that. Um I help her deep clean the room. Stop doing it. Um, but I did I was proud of her because she did the last, the deep clean before last, she did on her own. And I was really proud of her because when I walked into the room, I walked in and she was like, Mom, I did exactly what you said. She put everything that goes like together in a pile. So she had like three little piles in her floor. And she was like, This is all the stuff that goes in the closet, this is all the stuff that goes in my drawers, and then these are all the toys that I need to like separate. And she was like, See? And I was like, Yes. I was like, Phoenix, I know that you can do it, babe. Like, I'm I'm proud of you for like you don't want to do it. Right. And you still have to do it. Just because you don't want to do it, doesn't mean it doesn't have to get done. But in order for you to go on this play date, and in order for you to keep doing the things that you want to do, I know, mom, I have to do the things that I have to do to do the things that I want to do.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. Because you keep asking for the Chick-fil-A and that room dirty is crazy work.
SPEAKER_02But what no, what's crazy work is how she slides it into her grandparents. Oh, yeah. And then like with money. Right. Like your mom just gave her $20 and she was like, take her to go get some Chick-fil-A.
SPEAKER_04I said, they're grandparents, dear.
SPEAKER_02Y'all are so new. Like the way y'all, the way y'all be handing out, the way y'all be Venmo and Apple Bay and uh Cash App and is crazy.
SPEAKER_04But what's crazy to me, when I was a kid, a Happy Meal was probably like five dollars. Three, four dollars. Yeah. Right? Yeah. A Happy Meal was almost $10 now, and they got Happy Meal money like crazy. Listen, first three, but you can send her $20 for Chick-fil-A.
SPEAKER_02Phoenix don't even eat McDonald's no more. She likes Chick-fil-A. But your mom was like, gave her $20 and was like, go get her some Chick-fil-A because she's gonna be hungry. And she not gonna want what's here. So just go get her some Chick-fil-a.
SPEAKER_04I said, um And I also realize now that that starts early with women and girls.
SPEAKER_02What food? And wanting food or eating out?
SPEAKER_04It's it's like it's not difficult. It just don't taste as good as that's just I said Lord.
SPEAKER_02It's just after a long day sometimes. Sometimes after a long day, you just don't want to go home and have something that's at home. Because I'll takeout just sounds better.
SPEAKER_04I've picked her up before. It's like, Dad, you know what sounds good? Like some Chipotle and a cold drink. I said, We've been with your mama too much.
SPEAKER_02And it's the way she be like scratching, she be like, oh, I say, you know what's gonna be good?
SPEAKER_04Them snacks I bought you from Sage.
SPEAKER_02Bye.
SPEAKER_04And leftovers.
SPEAKER_02Well now she, you know, she has a mama that I'll be like, girl, it do sound good. That do, that do. Should we before we get home? Um children needing to respect other people's boundaries.
SPEAKER_03Amen.
SPEAKER_02So the one that comes to mind with me, I feel like, is when I was
Respecting Other People’s Boundaries
SPEAKER_02younger, you couldn't go into your parents' bedroom. Like just walk into your parents' bedroom, lay on their bed, like just be willy-nilly in your mama and daddy bedroom, you know? Like, as I got older, it wasn't really too much of a problem. It wasn't really, it wasn't really a problem. But I knew that like friends that had like two parent households, their parents were like, girl, this ain't this ain't your domain. And I feel like now I done made our domain so willy-nilly for her. She thinks, she thinks our space is her space. And I love that for her. Don't get me wrong. I know. But sometimes I don't. And I be having to remind her, girl, you have a whole bedroom, a whole bed, and a whole bathroom to yourself. I'm gonna need you to take advantage.
SPEAKER_04Look, hold on. She said, Dad, I have to use your bathroom because mommy hasn't cleaned mine. Ma'am. I said, first of all, you are one person in that bathroom. How how dirty could your bathroom be? It don't be that dirty.
SPEAKER_02But it's it'd be it'd be her toys. It'd be, I mean, I guess you know, the times where um she got the bubble bath, like if she let it run down the side of the bathtub, or when she's playing in the sink, or something like that, like she had played with a bath bomb, but in the sink, and it was a raspberry color. And I walked into the bathroom and I said, What in the world is in your sink? And then she looked at me and she was like, Oh, I was playing with a bath bomb. It's in the title. She was. She's learned now that she has learned. She has learned that I'ma just go ahead and take the L, but I'm gonna tell the truth because she learned that the hard way. She will take the L because she knows she knows what kind of mama she got. So she just gonna take the L. And she was just. Like, oh, I was playing with a bath bomb. And I said, it's in the title bath, bath bomb, not sink bomb. I said, get in here, get some comet, get to scrubbing.
SPEAKER_04Did she do it?
SPEAKER_02She did.
SPEAKER_04Oh, good for her.
SPEAKER_02I said, But girl, I better not ever walk into this bathroom again and see this stuff all over your sink and in your sink. All around your sink and in your sink. And that's probably why she was my mom. Mommy hasn't cleaned my bathroom yet. And and is not? You're not. And not. I did clean her bathtub and stuff yesterday. Bye, Damil. Goodbye. But yeah, so like with the bedroom, you know, and as she gets older, she's gotten taller. She's she she's grown a lot. And I keep trying to remind her, like she wants to sleep with her feet off the bed. She sleeps with her feet off the bed. She wants to sleep on top of the cover. I said, I don't think this is working out for me anymore. And I'm not sure if this is actually working out for you either, because I don't, I'm not sure that this is the most helpful thing. For her to keep trying to like sneak in here and get in our bed at the end of the night. And then she always says, I stayed in my bed for like four hours.
SPEAKER_04I didn't come here till like 2 a.m.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I didn't come in here till like two o'clock in the morning.
SPEAKER_04But you came in here.
SPEAKER_02And my bedroom door was closed, and you still walked in here. And it's the way she creeps in there. She like she opens the doors and then she'd be looking like a little bit of a little bit more.
SPEAKER_03Are they sleeping?
SPEAKER_02They sleep. They sleep. The coast is clear. Are they sleeping? But yeah, so like it, you know, it works both ways because now she also has this thing where she likes to close her door. That's great. We don't close door in my house. When she when she's in her room, when she's in her room and she wants to close her door, I'm always like, okay, close your door. Why? Because it's her door and it's her door.
SPEAKER_04She'll get dressed booty hole naked with the door open. But why are we closing the door?
SPEAKER_02Because sometimes she wants to close her door. And I tell her, you can close your door because that's your bedroom. But then the times where I tell her, like, I'm gonna lock our doors, she always tries to give me pushback, and I'm like, there's no pushback tonight. There's no pushback. Okay. I'm telling you now, do not come into our room. All right. And for and to make sure you don't come into our room, we are locking the bedroom door. I'm locking everything. And then she, you know how she tries to give a little protest. You will you will cry yourself to sleep tonight. You will cry yourself to sleep tonight until you get the picture that you won't be in here.
SPEAKER_04Stop capping for the people. You're not gonna let her cry that baby cry for too long.
SPEAKER_02She has she hasn't cried herself to sleep. Has she not cried herself at the door? You was mad. Has she not cried herself at the door once? Really, Maurice?
SPEAKER_04Once.
unknownReally?
SPEAKER_04Oh my baby.
SPEAKER_02Maurice. She's not gonna be little for everyone. Do not be sitting up here fibbing telling. Okay. Don't be sitting up here fibbing telling.
SPEAKER_04Uh, do you think parents should rescue their children from every consequence?
SPEAKER_02No.
SPEAKER_04Then why do you I don't. Okay.
SPEAKER_02I I rescue her from every consequence. No, I rescue her
Letting Kids Face Consequences
SPEAKER_02from you.
SPEAKER_04I'm the ultimate consequence.
SPEAKER_02Okay, goodbye.
SPEAKER_04Because if I gotta say something, it ain't got to the point now where now I don't like the way you talk to my wife. So now I gotta say something. Bye. No, but I don't try to I'll try I try to hang back and like let you because you you the primary parent because you the one in the house. While I go off to work, so I'll I look she gotta respect you because I know she respects me because I tell you once I get to hit her with that deep voice, she frees. Bye. So she gotta respect you. So I'll be back, I just be watching. And when I feel like she's getting a little too mouth, hey, hey, hey, that's my wife. Goodbye. What we're not gonna do is talk to my wife like that.
SPEAKER_02No, I don't think, uh, I don't think a child should be rescued from every consequence because they they have to know and they have to learn that their actions have consequences. And there's I know that. That's yep, that's what she always says. Um, but they have that's how they learn. That's I feel like that's how we all learned, right? Is it?
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_04I had a belt. That was the consequence.
SPEAKER_02Okay, but is that not how you learned?
SPEAKER_04Yeah, I learned not to hit it.
SPEAKER_02You learned you learned not to do whatever it is that got your ass whooped.
SPEAKER_04You know what?
SPEAKER_02You learned whatever you did that caused that ass whooping. You weren't gonna do it again.
SPEAKER_04And the cold part about it, my grandfather he didn't whoop you right away. He he just he used to let shit stack up.
SPEAKER_02He used to let your offenses stack up and then tell them to you all at once.
SPEAKER_04It'd be like three months later, you think you got away with some shit, and then you get then you do something like, well, now I gotta whoop you from this, this, and this, and it'd be a badass.
SPEAKER_02Now, see, I don't agree with that. Yeah. Hey, sometimes that I don't agree with. I think it should be addressed immediately.
SPEAKER_04Well, it worked. Okay, never been a jail.
SPEAKER_02But the the whole point is that you were held accountable to a consequence, and that is the point.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, you know. And that is the point. Somewhere around 11, 12, I got tired of getting whooped. I just I just changed my life out.
SPEAKER_02So you learned your life.
SPEAKER_04I gave my life to Jesus.
SPEAKER_02Okay, so you learned your lesson. So it worked. So it worked. You didn't get rescued.
SPEAKER_04I'm saying I don't want to get hit no more.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you don't. No, you can't, you can't rescue. You can't, if you continue to rescue them, you'll be rescuing them forever.
SPEAKER_04I've been trying to tell you that. You'll be rescuing them forever. Let her get thirsty. She ain't gonna die.
SPEAKER_02She forgot her lunch, she's all right. The school got lunch for her. I know she's gonna be all right. She ain't gonna go hungry. She's gonna get now, she's gonna hop in the car and act like she ain't eating three minutes. But you know, like things when she don't pack what she needs to for school. You're gonna have to deal with that consequence. Like she had told me, what did she say um last week? Oh my gosh, you didn't um you didn't pack my yoga mat. No, ma'am. You know on Wednesdays.
SPEAKER_03Bye.
SPEAKER_02No, actually she does. Uh, but you know that it's the same routine. You have a routine. We do a routine for a reason, right? That's that's first of all, that's the point of the routine. Um, so in the event that you forgot a step in the routine, now you're gonna be there without a yoga mat. But I think you'll survive.
SPEAKER_04Right.
SPEAKER_02But I think next week, I think you're gonna remember put that yoga mat on your on your backpack.
SPEAKER_04Uh, you know, and I uh I don't know. It's just children get a voice, but not always a find a voice.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah. Oh, you do have a voice.
SPEAKER_04I say how you feel, but it ain't gonna move me.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you I want you to be able to express yourself. Oh, yeah. But at the end of the day, I mean, the you live here, it ain't gonna move me at all. It ain't gonna move you. You get moved all the time. Because she's so hence going back on your disciplines. She's so adorable. That's so funny he said that. Um, but yes, I think I think children should have a voice.
SPEAKER_04I told her I said, uh, you're not getting that mega squishy. You know, you're not you don't need that dumpling. And then I walked away and said, we're gonna be a dumpling.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and you bought the dumpling and then I threw it away the next day. It's crazy. Wasted $50. That was wild because I told you not to get it in the first place. Um no, because it leaked the next day. And I told you the things smelled like chemicals, and it made me sick right afterwards. And then when it started leaking, she couldn't play with it. We were fine. So threw $50 in the trash. Um, but yes, I think children should have a voice. I feel like that's something we didn't have. We couldn't tell our, I mean, we could tell our parents how we felt, but I don't know because say it. You can't now say it. It didn't go anywhere, but you know, depending on A.
SPEAKER_04It can go either way. It can go either way. It could go either way. They was tired, they look at you.
SPEAKER_02Uh, but I I do like we do ask her, like, are you okay? How are you feeling? Um, um, are you yeah, or are you upset? It's nothing.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, you're clearly mad.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, what are you upset about? And then when we calm down, that's when we can get her to open up. Because like I always tell you, if you meet her with the same heightened emotion, we're not gonna get anywhere. Just like this morning when she was getting upset, trying to do like homework and stuff. It's like, girl, calm down, relax. We're trying to help. And that's when she took a breath. Yeah. And then she could hear you. But if you keep getting frustrated and she's frustrated, then we don't get nowhere.
SPEAKER_04I don't think she don't like when I'm because I don't give her the answers.
SPEAKER_02No, she don't like it because you you judge her. Like when you tell her, yeah, you do. When you be correct in homework, he makes it a point to like make sure she understands, like, when she got something wrong. Like he'll be like, this is wrong, this is wrong, this is wrong, and then he like tosses it to her. Do it again. How helpful is that?
SPEAKER_04These are wrong.
SPEAKER_02No, that's not how you do it. That's not how you do it. Go on the next slide. That's a no, no, don't try to do that's because that's not how you do it. You'll be like, this is wrong, do it again.
SPEAKER_03Nah, pimp.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, pimp. That's how you be. That's how you be, pimp.
SPEAKER_03Go ahead.
SPEAKER_02But yes, kids do deserve to have a voice. Not next to it. They do need to be able to express themselves.
SPEAKER_04You don't believe what they need to because they, you know, growing up, they told us kids need to be seen, not heard.
SPEAKER_02No, I don't believe that.
SPEAKER_04Oh, you need to be heard? I don't believe that. You gotta go back and tell us what we told us.
SPEAKER_02No, kids need to be because the thing about it is, is the problem that I have with that is you tell children they're supposed to be quiet. They're not supposed to be kids, make a ruckus, be talk back, have an opinion, uh, be seen, not heard. But then when they become teenagers or young adults, and you're asking them questions, or you expect them to engage, but you've taught them the opposite their whole life. But now you expect them, because they're 16 and 17 and 18 to have a voice. And now you're looking at them like, what the hell is wrong with you? You don't know how to speak up for yourself, you don't know how to do this for yourself. You didn't teach them that. You taught them that the way to behave in your house was to just like be mute. Because me having a voice was disrespectful. I didn't. No, you can have a voice, like we said earlier, you can express yourself, you can be upset, but you won't be disrespectful in your actions and your behavior. But being heard out is like, yes, tell me what you need to tell me. Because if some real shit pop off when you get older, I want you to still be able to be like, okay, mom, listen. I fucked up.
SPEAKER_04Right. However, you better not say I fucked up.
SPEAKER_02However, look, however, I need you.
SPEAKER_04Right.
SPEAKER_01See what had happened.
SPEAKER_02See what happened was what had happened was, and then I gotta decide do I let you deal with a natural consequence?
SPEAKER_03I'm gonna always be there for my baby. You may not be there for her, but I'm gonna always be there for my baby.
SPEAKER_02Okay, good for you. You know, that's great.
SPEAKER_03Okay, guys.
Quick Two Cents: Is Breadwinning Enough?
SPEAKER_02Moving on to Quick Two cents.
SPEAKER_04Okay, this week's question, guys, um for my lovely wife here, um is is being the breadwinner enough of a contribution to parenting? No, why not?
SPEAKER_02Um, because there's many facets to being a parent, and that's just one.
SPEAKER_04There's many what?
SPEAKER_02Facets to being a parent, and that's just one.
SPEAKER_04But I ain't got time for nothing else. See, this is I'm asking for myself because I feel like you asked me to do too much. If you make time, I'm I'm I'm two hands on. You what? I'm two hands-on in the parenting where I just want to be hands-on you. Don't piss me off. That's that's what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_02My nose, my nose nostrils are burning right now. What? My nose nostrils. What is that? My nostrils. Oh, no, but yeah, and like in all seriousness, no, that's not, that's just one part of being a parent. That's it. It's just one part of being a parent. But outside of that, you still have to cultivate relationships, you still have to, like we talked about uh disciplines, you still have to be supportive, you still have to show up, you still have to be hands-on, you still you gotta do all those things. It doesn't just, it doesn't, you still gotta do homework, you still gotta go to parent-teacher conferences, you still gotta be involved in what they're what they got going on, you still gotta, you still gotta sit there and listen when they're just babbling. You gotta sit there and listen when they're upset.
SPEAKER_04Some of the stories she's told and she'd be she be sitting there cracking up, and I'll be like, this is not funny at all.
SPEAKER_02But it's fun to watch her.
SPEAKER_04I'll be like, okay.
SPEAKER_02Okay, Eli, okay, girl. Okay, girl. Bye. All right, what are you gonna do? Comments of the weekend of the week, people okay.
SPEAKER_04Uh the comments of week this week, uh they all come from YouTube. Are you with your mom and argue with me? That's funny. Okay, the first comment this comes from the post about where
Comment of the Week
SPEAKER_04they had to uh uh she told her sister that she had to pay for her her boyfriend to attend the wedding, the one that she had cheated on her husband with. Crazy work. And this comment comes from uh Cindy Ben uh 3089 on YouTube, and she says that's normalizing telling people F off, family included, especially when they behave like that. Now look here, because they were wilding out there, yeah. You know, and the fact that she said that she was charging everybody, everyone who wasn't invited, that they were charging them, you know. Maybe they were trying to have a nice little quiet wedding, and that didn't work out, right? Yeah, and so from the same post, this comes from Jakita Richardson. Uh-huh. I said, right? It looks like it. It looks like it. Yeah. She said, invite the ex-husband instead. Right. Yeah, look here.
SPEAKER_02Listen.
SPEAKER_04I was waiting.
SPEAKER_02Listen.
SPEAKER_04You know, after we had recorded, I thought, I thought, I said, man, did I say that? Because I thought about it. I said, you know what? That's some pretty shit I do. I said, you know what? He can't come. But since when y'all were together, I had invited your ex-husband. You know, go ahead and let him.
SPEAKER_02It is what it is.
SPEAKER_04It is what it is. What it is. And this last comment comes from a post about the young lady that wrote in, the boosie that wrote in, they wanted to save her marriage. She had been married two years. They're about seven years. I believe she was 40, he was 47. They and they had a plethora of problems going on. And um, this comes from uh Victoria Shu 6964, and she says, good intentions don't mean shit without action. Now look here.
SPEAKER_02Praise him.
SPEAKER_04She summed it up because that's what I was trying to say.
SPEAKER_02It is what it is.
SPEAKER_04Um, intentions can be good, but intentions ain't gonna pay this light bill.
SPEAKER_02Okay. Unfortunately.
SPEAKER_04Wait a minute. If you're from the West Coast, you're gonna get this. Especially if you're from California. In the words of the great poet, sugar free. Oh my gosh. Don't get me wrong, baby. I love you too. But when that written that card note uh uh do what's love gonna do?
SPEAKER_02Okay, Demel.
SPEAKER_04I'd rather get you like Okay, you're doing a lot. You're doing a lot. We have a read the update first. Uh
Update: Godmother and Phone Pictures
SPEAKER_04we have update, people.
SPEAKER_02Let me see.
SPEAKER_04I update to the um uh pictures on the phone. That's what it was. It's the update to the pictures on the phone. Let's see.
SPEAKER_02Did you mark it right here?
SPEAKER_04Right there.
SPEAKER_02Okay. It says, Thank you for reading my letter and sorry for any confusion. To clarify, the lady was the godmother of my twins. My husband and I met, married, and lived overseas. To answer your question, we do video chats with uh godmother several times a month. I also sent her pictures of us, and she had pictures of us in her phone, so it was not to confirm his identity. Family members have visited us in our new country and know he's real. During the party, my husband video called and chatted with everyone, including her. My nephew's wife came later and asked to see a picture of him. I showed her a picture of him, and the grandmother saw the picture too, because she ran to look over the shoulder. The godmother. The godmother, I'm sorry. Uh the godmother asked me to give her my phone so she could look through my photos. I request the request felt intrusive and I didn't know how to respond. Asking me three times felt weird. I guess it would be. Why would seeing them make her visit perfect? Maybe it's just me, but I don't want to look through anyone's pictures in their phone. Neither do I, girl. The lie was that she ignored my telephone calls and texts, but told people that she couldn't reach me through any means. Um, she contacted my aunt instead of me or the twins. After I blocked her, she emailed my son and contacted one of my friends through Facebook to ask how I was doing and say she couldn't reach me. My friend told her my phone number and email had not changed and asked her if she could relay a message. The godmother said, no, don't tell her that I contacted you. I didn't understand why anyone would get upset because they couldn't see pictures in someone else's phone, regardless of the association. I agree with you both that it's my phone, and God takes people out of your life for a reason.
SPEAKER_04Now look here with some clarifications. I have changed my thought. Uh
Our 2 Cents Begins
SPEAKER_04uh, she likes your husband.
SPEAKER_02Bye.
SPEAKER_04Goodbye. She liked what she saw. Goodbye. She didn't like it. That's it.
SPEAKER_02Uh, you don't think that's it? No.
SPEAKER_04I don't. Yeah, she saw something she liked.
SPEAKER_02All right, let's hop on into.
SPEAKER_04She saw something, she liked.
SPEAKER_02Okay, let's hop on into our two cents.
Son Uses Grandchild as Leverage
SPEAKER_02Probably. Okay, let's hop on into our two cents. R2 cents. All right. Am I the asshole for telling my daughter-in-law and son that if they plan to do the whole stay-at-home parent thing, they can start paying us rent. Oh, oh, oh, right. So we let our son and his wife live in one of our properties rent-free. They're only responsible for gas and electric. We cover everything else, including maintenance and repairs. They recently announced that they're having a child and we were extremely excited and happy for them. Issue is they told us they wish to have his wife be a stay-at-home with the child, which makes no sense because she makes more than my son. So if they want one of them to stay home, it makes more sense for my son to do it. Though I would still be against it, because either way, they can't afford to only have uh one person work. Only reason in theory it would work is because they don't have the major living expenses of rent to worry about. I mean, that's true. Yeah. My son and daughter-in-law are acting like I'm ruining their time as parents. They feel that I'm holding them to an unreasonable standard. Okay. I told them the reason we have let them live rent-free because we wanted to give them an opportunity to max out their 401k and save for their own house. It was done to give them a leg up. It was never meant to be a forever thing. Right now, my son and his wife are threatening to cut us off and force us to go through an eviction to remove them. Oh, okay. More or less, they are telling us we have to suck it up or they will cut our grandchild out of our lives. My wife was on board, but doesn't want to be cut off from her only grandchild. So she wants us to continue the current agreement, but I don't. They have no right to leverage a vegetation. Um, I understand my wife's stance, but I think what my son and daughter-in-law are doing is 100% manipulative and wrong.
SPEAKER_04Fuck both of them. Stand on business. Look here. You're not finna threaten me with over a child. I ain't met yet.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you're manipulating me with my own grandchildren.
SPEAKER_04You're gonna start here and it's gonna get look here.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Look here. So when y'all out there homeless on the street, my grandchild has somewhere to stay. Right. So when the court calls because grandparents do have rights.
SPEAKER_02Some of them.
SPEAKER_04When the court call and the child need to be placed somewhere, the child is welcome to come.
SPEAKER_02I will take my grandchild.
SPEAKER_04I can his parents, they can go where they want to go.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, but okay, but here's the thing. I would say, okay, go ahead and go. Bye. That's fine. Because now when you leave, not only are you gonna be responsible for rent and child care. And child care. You're gonna need somebody to watch them. You're gonna be responsible for everything. So you think I'm being unreal, you're only thinking I'm being unreasonable because you're my child, and now you're feeling entitled.
SPEAKER_04And if they're willing to stoop this low before the child is here, imagine how low they'll go once the child is here. No, you've done this is the problem. Yep. They they say the role to good intentions is. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Now you're you guys are trying to do what what you thought was best for your child and and his and his girl. Trying to give him a leg up. Trying to give him a leg up. And see, that's the thing. They they they they took a privilege and turned it into an expectation. And that's their fucking problem. Teach them the real life what the real world is like. Because then don't know, don't nobody really love you but your mama. And that's why dad said, uh, fuck that. Mama said, well, maybe not. No. Don't nobody really love you but your mama.
Can His Fiancée Be a Stay-at-Home Mom?
SPEAKER_02Teach them a lesson. All right. Am I the asshole for telling my fiance that she cannot be a stay-at-home mom in the future?
SPEAKER_03No, let's go.
SPEAKER_02I'm a 34-year-old male, and my fiance is 33, and we're getting married next year, and we are in agreement about having a child within two years. Recently, her and her family have broached the topic of her quitting her job and staying home with the child, at least until our kid gets to school age. I'm against it. I make between 85 and 95K a year, depending on bonuses, and her salary is 53K a year. Financially, we could make it work on my pay alone if it wasn't for her student loans. She has $120,000 in private student loans.
SPEAKER_00God damn.
SPEAKER_02These loans have a payment of $850 a month. There is no option for forbearance like public loans or adjusting the payment for income. This simply does not fit in the budget. My fiance seems to understand this, but her family, her mother in particular, is really pushing for her to be a stay-at-home. I don't want to come across as forcing her to do something she doesn't want to do or be accused of not putting my future child first. But to me, the answer is in black and white on the spreadsheet. Am I the asshole?
SPEAKER_04No, you're not the asshole. But I'm gonna tell you this right now. That childcare will eat that 50,000 up.
SPEAKER_02It's gonna get to a point where you're just gonna say, I'm gonna figure it out and you stay home with the with the baby.
SPEAKER_04If if now if now if y'all got free childcare, that's different. It's different. But if y'all Pay up for child care, you gonna look here. You might as well pick up a second job. Why do you think this one at home?
SPEAKER_02I say, girl, I get girl, you working to work. Not including the gas. Because I I worked like 45 minutes away from home, hour with traffic.
SPEAKER_04And then and then no matter how much food was at home, she was going to lunch. She was going to lunch. I saved a dollar. She relax. By eating a lunch special sometimes. Relax. She had sushi. She had yard house.
SPEAKER_02You came and took me to sushi. But you knew about it. Okay. You went all the time.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. Look, I'm telling you, I'm I'm gonna be honest with you.
unknownSir.
SPEAKER_02And childcare prices are crazy. Crazy. They were uh I mean when Phoenix was first going to daycare, I mean, uh our situation was a little different. No, no, no, we were blessed. Yeah, we were very much blessed.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, we were very let's put it this way. I know smart dude who paid $2,800 a month for two kids.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, we weren't near that. We weren't near that.
SPEAKER_04Now you do the math on that.
SPEAKER_02No, you do you do the math on that. But some places it's like if it's a baby, it can be $2,800 just for the baby.
SPEAKER_04Here's the thing. Here's where they lost us. We were looking at childcare, and they told us that they used to before we found our child care lady. They told us they did they use one wipe. Oh, one wipe for every wipe. For every wipe.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. So if the baby needs to be wiped seven times.
SPEAKER_04I said, Do you know how much these wipes quality? I said, You better fold that motherfucking wipe over.
SPEAKER_02No, she said, we can't do that.
SPEAKER_04And I said, We won't be here.
SPEAKER_02I remember that. She was like, just so you know, we can't like, we can't use the wipe and then like folded it. And she was like, we wipe one time, we get another wipe, we wipe until the baby's clean. I was like, I mean, I can appreciate the hygiene. I can't, but y'all gonna be going through wipes.
SPEAKER_04Well, I'm at home, you just one wipe three times if I just okay, that's disgusting.
SPEAKER_02Um wipes calls. Um, okay, last one. Um, let's see. Am I the asshole for asking my cousin to cover ingredients for the wedding cake that I'm making her as a gift?
SPEAKER_04Yes.
Cousin Wants a Free Wedding Cake
SPEAKER_04Yes.
SPEAKER_02I make as a side thing. It really isn't a business, but I've done maybe like 15 cakes for money over the past two years, and I know exactly what they can cost. In June, my cousin got engaged and asked if I make her wedding cake as a gift to them. I say, yeah, straight right away. In my head, that was a single tier, maybe two, something I could do on a Friday night and drop it off. Last week she sent me a folder of photos. It's four tiers, sugar flowers on every tier, and she wanted it to feed 120 people. Ooh, damn. She's also asked for a separate cutting cake and a dozen mini cupcakes for the tabletop.
SPEAKER_03Wait a minute.
SPEAKER_02I priced the ingredients out, and it comes out to about $180. And that's before the boards, the dowels, and the box. And honestly, before the roughly 20 hours it's gonna take me. So I said that I was still happy to do it as her gift, but that I need her to cover the ingredients. She got quiet and said that she assumed, since it was a gift, um, that she assumed the gift was the whole cake, and that if she'd known that there'd be a bill, she would have just booked with a bakery in June. And if there was still time. My aunt has since called me to say $180 is not a lot of money to give a family member on her wedding day. I'm not asking to be paid for a single hour of my time. So am I being an asshole?
SPEAKER_04No, here's my thing.
SPEAKER_02Didn't you say yes before?
SPEAKER_04I did. I changed my mind. Look here.
SPEAKER_02I changed my mind.
SPEAKER_04Don't charge her for the cake. Overcharge, overcharge her for the cutting cake and the cupcakes. Problem solved.
SPEAKER_02But she wasn't charging her for anything. Oh, no. She said the cake. She wanted a mini cake and cupcakes.
SPEAKER_04But when it comes to the mini cake for her to cut and the cupcakes, overcharge her for those.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_04The pay to cover the cover the ingredients for the cake, and essentially you giving her about $500 to include your labor.
SPEAKER_02Well, because the thing is, is you agreed to make her wedding cake.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, not the extra shit.
SPEAKER_02You text me with a wedding cake, a cupcake, and mini uh cupcakes. Too much shit. So I'm gonna do the cake and I'm gonna cover the cost of the cake. That's how I'm gonna set it up. I'm gonna cover the cost of the cake. But for the other cake and the mini cake, it's gonna be about $180. It's gonna be about $180.
SPEAKER_04So And if you need me to deliver it, it's another $200.
SPEAKER_02But even still, if you put that request in with a bakery, you're still gonna be paying us way over $180. So you're still practically getting it for free if you're if you're covering uh ingredients. That's $700.
SPEAKER_04That's crazy. Yeah, someone who used to deliver to a bakery. That's crazy. I know how much of a cake go. That's crazy. Because you're paying for labor. I want uh some of the prices I heard, I said they got it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, no, not for a cake.
SPEAKER_04I don't.
SPEAKER_02Not for a cake. The most I've ever paid for a cake was her um her birthday cake, her first birthday cake. And it was beautiful. And that it was worth every dime because the the woman made it.
SPEAKER_04Oh, Kinesha fashion, she was doing too much.
SPEAKER_02It was, but it was beautiful. It was a three-tiered custom uh unicorn cake. What? With gold unicorn ear.
SPEAKER_04What one year old needs a three-tier cake?
SPEAKER_02It was beautiful, and it was three actual cakes because she did ask me. She was like, all three tiers doesn't have to be cake. She was like, you can just do like bottom tier cake, and I was like, no, no. And then it's her first birthday cake.
SPEAKER_04I had to buy a side cake for her to mess up during the pictures.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, she did, and she had her side cake to mess up for the pictures. She was so cute in her little unicorn. Oh, it was it was a time. It was a time. Um, but yes, that's what I would say. You agree to make the birthday cake, um the wedding cake for free. I'm gonna do that for you. But you just need to make $180 for the side cake and the cupcake.
SPEAKER_04And another $200 for delivery.
SPEAKER_02Bye, Maurice. Okay, that's a little much. I mean, it's probably not a little much, but I'm just I I need somebody to help me carry all this shit. Yeah, because she's gotta box it all up, too. That's what she said, including boxes and everything.
SPEAKER_04And then I'm then I'm then I don't here's the thing. I don't want to be responsible for transportation. So you're gonna pick it up.
SPEAKER_02I could take that off if you want to pick it up. All
Closing: New Episodes Every Wednesday
SPEAKER_02right, guys. This has been another episode of the Life After I Do podcast. If you're not doing so already, you can follow us at Life After I Do Podcast on all of our social media platforms Life After I Do Podcast, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook.
SPEAKER_04Only pins.
SPEAKER_02Don't forget you can also write into the podcast. We love hearing from you guys, Booskies, at LifeAfterIdo Podcast at gmail.com. You get a new episode every single Wednesday. And so until then, don't forget to tell grandma. To tell a friend.
SPEAKER_04To tell a friend to tell a friend, to tell you to tell Granny.
SPEAKER_02Peace, Booskies. Peace, Booskies.
