Would You Stay or Walk Away?

Would you stay or walk away if your marriage was tested by betrayal, secrecy, emotional distance, debt, family disrespect, or a loss of intimacy? In this episode, Nesha G and Moelethal ask each other the hard relationship questions that most couples hope they never have to answer.

From emotional affairs and secret debt to refusing counseling, comparing your spouse to someone else, quitting a job without a plan, and sharing private marital issues with family, this conversation gets into the gray areas of commitment. Some situations are clear deal breakers, while others depend on honesty, accountability, and whether both people are willing to do the work.

Nesha and Moe also discuss whether compatibility or commitment matters more in a long-term relationship, why commitment requires growth, and how couples change through different seasons of life. Then Our 2 Cents closes the episode with listener dilemmas about divorce threats, physical intimacy mismatches, and a male friend asking someone’s wife to dinner while her husband is out of town.

Transcript

Cold Open: Comparing Spouses to Parents

SPEAKER_03 0:00

We need to talk about that and why you keep comparing me. And if it's something that's like deeply engraved, then go be with that person.

SPEAKER_01 0:07

Because my mother done told you three times how to make the hot water cornbread and you're not doing the right steel. First of all. That's why I'm comparing you. First of all. You're still not making this hot water cornbread. First of all. And I gotta do it my face.

SPEAKER_03 0:16

If you want to be with your mama, I don't want to be with your mama.

SPEAKER_01 0:21

I don't. I want you to make the hot water cornbread.

SPEAKER_03 0:23

I think I think on a very, very deep level, okay, that's that's what y'all be wanting.

SPEAKER_01 0:30

I I just want the hot water cornbread to be right.

Welcome Back to Life After I Do

SPEAKER_03 0:56

How y'all don't? I'm trying, Doctor Now.

SPEAKER_01 1:00

So silly.

SPEAKER_03 1:01

I'm trying. How does that even become the intro?

SPEAKER_01 1:06

Because we both like Dr. Now. And she's the one I remember the most.

SPEAKER_03 1:10

Oh, again. Hey Booskies. Hey Booskies. How y'all doing out there?

SPEAKER_01 1:14

How y'all doing? How y'all feel?

SPEAKER_03 1:16

How you living?

SPEAKER_01 1:18

In living color.

SPEAKER_03 1:20

You can do what you want to do. In living color.

SPEAKER_01 1:25

Now I ain't wanting to gossip. You ain't heard it from me.

SPEAKER_03 1:28

So silly. That was my favorite one. How's it going, Booskies?

SPEAKER_01 1:32

Hated it.

SPEAKER_03 1:34

Two snaps up.

SPEAKER_01 1:36

I love that. Men on film is probably one of the best ones. Probably. Then Homie the Clown. Then Fire Marshall Bill.

SPEAKER_03 1:42

We've had this discussion before. We had.

SPEAKER_01 1:44

Hey Booski, how you doing?

SPEAKER_03 1:46

You look good. Thank you. You did so good.

SPEAKER_01 1:47

You look good now.

SPEAKER_03 1:48

Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 1:49

But the other night in that dress. If y'all saw the picture of my wife in that dress, or y'all saw the show.

SPEAKER_03 1:55

Well, they only saw me from the boobs up, I think.

unknown 1:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:58

I mean the dress look great on you. It looked great on the floor.

SPEAKER_03 2:02

Really?

That Dress Looked Good

SPEAKER_01 2:05

You're so gross.

SPEAKER_03 2:07

They don't want to hear that.

SPEAKER_01 2:08

They know me by now. I know. And if they don't know me by now.

SPEAKER_03 2:12

If you don't know me by now.

SPEAKER_01 2:15

They will never, ever, ever, ever know me.

SPEAKER_03 2:17

You will know. Okay. You're doing too much.

SPEAKER_01 2:20

How is your weed, Booskies? Let's go. Let's get it going. Let's get it cracking.

SPEAKER_03 2:24

Let's get it started. Ha! Let's get it started.

SPEAKER_01 2:28

You can't keep breaking out in songs. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 2:31

Why is that a thing? I feel like that's like a millennial thing, too. You think it's an everybody thing?

SPEAKER_01 2:37

You got that from me.

SPEAKER_03 2:37

I didn't get that from you.

SPEAKER_01 2:39

It all started early one morning.

SPEAKER_03 2:40

Okay. When you were asleep, I received a letter. But there was no addressy. How was your week, baby? It was good. We're on, you know what? We should do that challenge where you're like, uh, I forgot my headphones at work. Don't worry, don't worry. I mean, at home. I don't worry, don't worry, I got you. Then I can sing all the songs I can sing your playlist in your ear while you work out. No. Oh, no. Trying to say I can't see?

SPEAKER_01 3:09

No, you don't know my playlist.

SPEAKER_03 3:11

It's it's nothing but love songs.

SPEAKER_01 3:13

Yeah, but certain love songs.

SPEAKER_03 3:14

Oh, like what? That th.

SPEAKER_01 3:17

No, no. No. See, when when it's leg day, you need like you need like tank and tent. Absolutely not. And you know.

SPEAKER_03 3:26

Absolutely not. You don't.

SPEAKER_01 3:27

You need you need August on there before the entanglement.

SPEAKER_03 3:32

For leg day, you need juvenile. You need big X to plug. You need um you need a little one. For Upper Day, you need uh God's property, Lil Kirk Franklin. Uh well, for you, you probably don't because your upper body is a lot stronger than mine.

SPEAKER_01 3:48

But for my gospel on Upper Day, so you're so you don't crush yourself?

SPEAKER_03 3:52

I be needing Jesus on Upper Day. It's my favorite, it's my favorite days of the week, but I be needing the Lord. I be like, I need him every day. But on upper day, I'll be like, you know what I play on the bench now?

SPEAKER_01 4:05

Stomp.

SPEAKER_03 4:06

More than I can bear.

SPEAKER_01 4:07

Oh Lord. How was your week, baby? How

Nesha’s Week and Her Sister’s Birthday

SPEAKER_01 4:11

was your week?

unknown 4:11

I do.

SPEAKER_03 4:12

I be like, he ain't getting nothing on this bar. More than I can bear.

SPEAKER_01 4:15

It's just the bear. And it's just it's the bar. Just the bar. Just the bar. It's not more than you can bear.

SPEAKER_03 4:20

And it's not more than I can bear. Because Jesus said.

SPEAKER_01 4:23

Lord.

SPEAKER_03 4:25

Exactly. Say it again. Lord. That's it.

SPEAKER_01 4:28

How was your week, mama?

SPEAKER_03 4:30

My week was good.

SPEAKER_01 4:31

Um give us the highlights and the low lights.

SPEAKER_03 4:33

The highlight of my week was celebrating my sister's birthday. Happy birthday. Glitz and glam on Instagram. That's my sister. So my sister had what?

SPEAKER_01 4:44

It is her, it's not my favorite sister on my life.

SPEAKER_03 4:46

Oh my gosh. Okay, bye. He always says that to mess with her. He says it because she is his favorite. So it's kind of like, it's kind of like, you know, when you're in school, like elementary school or primary school, and they tell you, oh, the boy that picks on you, he picks on you because he likes you. It's the same, it's the same psychological concept. Um, but anyway, the highlight was being able to spend another year with my sister for her birthday. Um, seeing her with her annual doll dub too much. Seeing her in her annual spectacular outfits. Um, it was funny because we went to we went to Ruth Chris for her birthday. It's her favorite restaurant. And so we went to Ruth Chris and the we got there before she did, and the uh waiter comes and he's like, happy birthday. And I was like, Oh, it's not, it's not me. I said, but trust me, when the birthday girl walks in, you will know. And he was like, Oh, yes, I'm don't, no introduction needed. Her appearance is gonna say it's her birthday. And he was like, Okay, I'll wait for that. Um, so that was really fun. Um, let's see. So, of course, spending time with family, got to see my mom. That's always good. Um, let me see. Nothing, nothing too, too crazy, you know. Just, you know, me and family. I love being able to see my family, spend time with my family. Okay. Um, I don't think I had a low of the week. Oh, okay. Mm-mm. I mean, except for mentally, like fighting my mental,

Fighting Negative Thoughts in the Gym

SPEAKER_03 6:13

my mental when it comes to being in the gym, like I how I was having a moment today, and I told you I was really trying to fight the negative thoughts. I don't know, those those suckers were being intrusive today. They were they were in there in the workout with me. They were they was in it. And I was like, the devil is alive, and I turned up God's property even louder to drown him out because he was trying me. All right. I was like, that must that must mean I need to do something real spectacular because you trying me. So bye. Uh so yeah, I just you know said a little prayer and then had to get back into the workout.

SPEAKER_01 6:50

My week was good. Oh, I didn't ask you, but great. How was your week? We're gonna just get my week. I'm gonna flow through it. My week was good. Uh

Phoenix Says Don’t Shave the Beard

SPEAKER_01 6:59

my daughter told me don't shave my beard.

SPEAKER_03 7:01

I mean, your wife has said the same thing. I said, damn.

SPEAKER_01 7:04

I said, what if I just cut it low and keep it so no? She's like, no, you need it need to be long right here, dad.

SPEAKER_03 7:09

Because you need to look like a man. Right. See, she's only eight and she understands. It's a thing.

SPEAKER_01 7:15

She said, I don't want you to look like a little boy. I said, I'm not gonna like a little boy, Phoenix. I'm gonna be, I'm still a man.

SPEAKER_03 7:20

She was like, no, she was like, You're gonna look 12 like me. No, you don't look 12, cool.

SPEAKER_01 7:25

No, not at all. She wanted to be 12 so bad. Yeah, so it was good, you know. Um, you know, we just take it as now in the low light.

SPEAKER_03 7:34

Oh, what was the high? You didn't give a high.

SPEAKER_01 7:37

Oh, the highlight was seeing you in the dress. Oh, okay. The low light is when you took your hair down. I said, What did I say here? You said you said, wait, you I walked in and something else and it came out as Seely. I said, I said, how'd you leave as netty and come back and see? Bye.

SPEAKER_00 7:57

Goodbye. You and me.

SPEAKER_03 8:01

Goodbye. Okay. Okay. That's like that's like when I had first sent a picture. Uh, we were, where were we going? Oh, I think we were going to one of the kids' parties at uh Angel's house, and when I had got dressed and stuff in my orange outfit, and I sent it to the group, the gym group, and the girls were like, Miss Nisha. I was like, I don't, I don't look like a bum every day, guys. I mean, just at the gym. But your girl can still clean up a little bit. You know, I don't do a lot, but I can still clean up a little bit. Apparently, it's it's a stark difference that everyone just be like, No, it is.

SPEAKER_01 8:40

It is.

SPEAKER_03 8:42

Really? Okay, you're doing a lot. You're doing a lot.

SPEAKER_01 8:48

My flabber be gasted.

SPEAKER_03 8:50

Your flabber be gasted? That's why they say get you one that can do both. You know, I like to pride myself on being able to do both.

SPEAKER_01 8:59

I know you can do both, you just don't always do both.

SPEAKER_03 9:02

Do the other. I mean, what you want me to walk around like that all day for no reason? I don't see you more than half of the day.

SPEAKER_01 9:09

So I mean, but if I came on you just like that, I might call off.

SPEAKER_03 9:12

You still gonna go to sleep. You're not gonna call off. No, sir. No, sir, you're not.

SPEAKER_01 9:20

You said now I'm making sure.

SPEAKER_03 9:21

Yeah, you're not gonna, you're not gonna call. August is gonna be very busy for us this month. You're not gonna be calling off.

SPEAKER_01 9:27

So, okay. So you basically you pimp me out.

SPEAKER_03 9:29

I'm not pimping you out, August. I am pushing you to be the greatest that you can possibly be.

SPEAKER_01 9:35

You know what? If we can get all 47,000 subscribers on YouTube to send us a dollar, I can take, I can take August off.

SPEAKER_03 9:43

If every if you everyone sent us one dollar, just one.

SPEAKER_01 9:48

Like I can take August off.

SPEAKER_03 9:52

No, we'll post it on we'll post it on Instagram. New challenge, guys.

SPEAKER_01 9:55

One post.

SPEAKER_03 9:56

If your support of one dollar, if every follower can send us one dollar, everything august off. You'll be contributing to the household. What if that happened? What if everybody said?

SPEAKER_00 10:11

I would send the money back.

SPEAKER_03 10:13

No, he wouldn't.

SPEAKER_00 10:14

I would.

SPEAKER_03 10:15

No, he wouldn't.

SPEAKER_00 10:16

I wouldn't. What do we got today?

SPEAKER_03 10:20

No, you would send it back? Don't touch my thigh like that.

SPEAKER_01 10:22

Wait a minute.

SPEAKER_03 10:23

We got stuff to do. We got business to take care of.

SPEAKER_01 10:25

We might have to ball start taping. Y'all this thigh. This right thigh gets together with her left eye.

SPEAKER_02 10:35

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 10:36

And then they start marinating.

SPEAKER_03 10:38

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 10:39

All right.

SPEAKER_03 10:39

Anywho.

SPEAKER_01 10:41

I like my meat marinating.

SPEAKER_03 10:43

Okay. Excuse if this is your first time joining us today. Welcome. Welcome. We what there's there's there's new people that listen every week. So, you know, this may be their first introduction to you. Um welcome. I do have a low light. Oh, what was your low light? Now that you thought about it.

SPEAKER_01 11:03

This message is for uh Netflix and Netflix only.

SPEAKER_03 11:06

Okay, bye. Goodbye.

The Prodigal Son Cliffhanger

SPEAKER_01 11:10

Whoever left prodigal son on that cliffhanger.

SPEAKER_03 11:16

Tell your mother it days. Was it technically a cliffhanger? It was.

SPEAKER_01 11:21

Or could you really, could you like this why I don't watch TV. See, when that's why this is why I watch anime. Because when it when it ends, I can go read it. I ain't gotta wait. I can just go read how it ends. Yeah. Now I don't know what's going on.

SPEAKER_03 11:34

Okay, so now they don't, they may not know, and they're gonna ask. We were watching, well, I was watching, uh I was watching The Prodigal Son on uh Netflix, and it's it I didn't realize it was just two seasons. Because sometimes I just go in blind, right? And I've been like watching it every day. So last night I was like just going through the episodes. He so happened to catch in on one of the episodes, and after the episode ended, he was like, play the next one, play the next one, play the next one. So we ended up finishing the season, and then you know, usually when there's another season, it brings up like you know, start season three, whatever, but it brought up just like like credits for a new show that's like similar. And I said, Oh my gosh, there is no season three. So he was like, Well, when did the show come out? And I'm thinking, okay, well, maybe if it came out like in 2025, maybe 2024, they might be working on a season three. I went back and checked and it said 2021. I said, That was it, babe. He was like, and this is exactly why I don't be watching.

SPEAKER_01 12:33

Well, I don't watch this shit.

SPEAKER_03 12:34

But it was it was good. I think you can you can like conceptualize what ended up happening.

SPEAKER_01 12:39

Well we got today.

SPEAKER_03 12:41

He's upset.

Stay or Walk Away Begins

SPEAKER_03 12:43

Would you stay or walk away?

SPEAKER_01 12:45

Um you know I'm not leaving that ass.

SPEAKER_03 12:47

Oh so I already know the answer to all of them then.

SPEAKER_01 12:49

Uh it'll depend.

SPEAKER_03 12:51

What does it depend on? Let's see. Let's see.

SPEAKER_01 12:53

I mean, you got all these scenarios.

SPEAKER_03 12:55

Let's see.

SPEAKER_01 12:56

Scenarios.

SPEAKER_03 12:57

Let's see. Would you stay or walk away if I binged a show that you've been waiting to watch, but you wanted to watch it?

SPEAKER_01 13:02

Obviously, I would stay because you've done that many times. Many times.

SPEAKER_03 13:10

Okay, so I think the obvious first one has to be, because that's the one I think everybody would be thinking is like if your spouse had an affair, committed, you know. What kind of affair? Um a sexual, an emotional affair.

SPEAKER_01 13:26

Oh, I

Emotional Affairs and Cheating Lines

SPEAKER_01 13:27

can stay for that.

SPEAKER_03 13:28

And insist that it never became physical.

SPEAKER_01 13:32

You can stay. If it never became physical, I could stay.

SPEAKER_03 13:36

But you would have to be trusting the word.

SPEAKER_01 13:39

I would. But once I know that somebody else spent in my cookie jar.

SPEAKER_03 13:42

Okay, so then so then I'm gonna ask you what we've talked about before. Because remember, we had a similar conversation about this, and you told me that you would stay even if I kissed another man, as long as it was no tongue involved, he didn't consider it cheating.

SPEAKER_01 14:01

Wait, wait a minute. Let me clear this up.

SPEAKER_03 14:07

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 14:07

Let me clear this up.

SPEAKER_03 14:08

Go ahead and clear it up. If he kisses you, right, and I just didn't pull away fast enough.

SPEAKER_01 14:15

I'm I might I'm I might let that slide. And you put your now if if if you exchange fluids, it's cheating.

SPEAKER_03 14:24

Okay, so as long as the mouth doesn't open, so if our mouths are closed and we're just holding a pause lip to lip for longer than a millisecond, it is cheating. I just really try to understand your parameters. Okay, I just really want to understand your parameters.

SPEAKER_01 14:41

Keep your lips to yourself.

SPEAKER_03 14:42

Okay, see, that's that's what I'm gonna do.

SPEAKER_01 14:45

That's keep both sets of your lips to yourself. That's my parameters. If you don't want to be out here slanging sausage links, don't you be out here slinging lips. You got more than one sausage link? You don't know what I got. I might have one in the tuck when I'm tired.

SPEAKER_03 15:01

One in the tuck? I wouldn't say it like that. One in the tuck is crazy. You got one in the tuck?

SPEAKER_01 15:11

No, I don't.

SPEAKER_03 15:11

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 15:12

Because you know, sometimes I'm excited and sometimes I'm not excited. Different eight levels. No comment. No, no comment. You experience both.

SPEAKER_02 15:23

Okay, yeah, go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 15:26

Oh, three more?

Secret Debt and Marriage Trust

SPEAKER_01 15:27

Sure. I'm looking I I can't get over this thigh. Um, it's uh would you say would you go if your spouse secretly accumulates 50,000 in debt without telling you?

SPEAKER_03 15:35

As long as he can pay it off.

SPEAKER_01 15:37

Uh-oh. What if I can't pay it off? I'm leaving. Damn. Like that? Like that?

SPEAKER_03 15:44

Like that?

SPEAKER_01 15:46

I have breaking news for you.

SPEAKER_03 15:49

I got breaking news, my boy.

SPEAKER_01 15:51

Well, I guess I guess the house that ain't a secret. You know, we're old, we're still old in the house, so by Jamail.

SPEAKER_03 15:57

No, I mean, I feel like we can we can work through it. And in to in today's, in today's society, 50,000 ain't not. I mean, granted, nobody wants to be $50,000 in debt, but I got a student loan that's more than that. So I'm just saying. Um, let's see. Um, your spouse admits that they no longer feel in love, but still wants to stay married and work on the relationship.

SPEAKER_01 16:21

I'm gonna stay because you you're not gonna feel in love every day. Right. I didn't feel in love yesterday. Really? Put the day before? Okay.

SPEAKER_03 16:32

Put the day before?

SPEAKER_01 16:33

Yes, sir.

SPEAKER_03 16:34

Okay, I can I can get with that. I can get with that. I think as like I've always said, as long as there's a willingness to work on it, or work through it, or work through it, I think, you know. Or work in it. But I mean, that always works too. To just put the work in. To just put in the work. You care what I'm laying down. Okay, you want to pause the show? No, I don't. Go stairs real quick. Your spouse repeatedly chooses work over your marriage for several years.

SPEAKER_01 17:04

I say, and then you know what? God bless blessed me with a pandemic. Okay, and then you could work.

SPEAKER_02 17:15

Bye.

SPEAKER_01 17:15

And you had to stay home, but I was essential. Well, I was out there in those streets.

SPEAKER_03 17:20

Thank God one of us was. Thank God. You know what? I just realized now, ever since we learned that.

SPEAKER_01 17:29

Ever since we learned that you're not essential, you've been home. You essentially been home.

SPEAKER_03 17:35

No, I'm essential. I was just essential in the wrong environment.

SPEAKER_01 17:38

Yeah, yeah, you're essential here.

SPEAKER_03 17:40

Yeah, yeah.

unknown 17:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:41

That's why I make sure that trash is taken out because I want this house clean. Okay, goodbye. I'm gonna take the trash out when I'm gonna go. You go ahead.

SPEAKER_03 17:48

Please do, because I'm looking at uh uh over-the-top trash right now.

SPEAKER_01 17:52

It's not over the top.

SPEAKER_03 17:53

I can see the first three things peeking out the trash can right now. That is you. She don't even eat English muffins or drink. Well, that might be her Starbucks cup, but she don't eat English muffins.

SPEAKER_01 18:03

Yeah, don't, you're not gonna blame me. You discover your spouse has been secretly messaging an ex for months. Are you staying or are you walking away?

SPEAKER_03 18:14

I feel like there's so much nuance in there. Oh, let's let's let's dive into the nuance. If we, if, okay, if we leave it nuanceless. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 18:24

I don't think that's a word, but okay.

SPEAKER_03 18:25

It is today, though. If we leave it nuanceless and we just take it at face value, you messaging your ex is gonna be a no-no.

SPEAKER_01 18:34

Okay. Okay. So it don't matter if the nuance is there or not.

SPEAKER_03 18:40

Let me make it pretty. Okay, because what if what if? No, I'm trying to come up with scenarios in my head that could. I was gonna say, maybe you want to invite her to a birthday party, but she'll need to be at a birthday party.

SPEAKER_01 18:57

Okay, I'm gonna let me I the media depends on what the message entails. Right now, if they just honest, like you just having regular conversation, it's still a no for me, but well, I'm talking about for me. Okay, if they know lines being crossed, okay, it is what it is. Okay. No, maybe y'all, you know, maybe y'all just uh found each other on Facebook and decided to catch. That's cool. It's still inappropriate, but I get it. But now if y'all start making plans, oh my gosh. That peace be still. Peace is made up still.

SPEAKER_03 19:28

That reminds me of the uh Am I the Asshole for you later. Oh, okay. Um, let's see. Uh your spouse develops a gambling addiction, but immediately agrees to seek treatment.

SPEAKER_01 19:40

Uh I'ma stay. Yeah. Because in sickness and health. But now once they winning, because they might hit.

SPEAKER_03 19:45

Wait, what did your mom say yesterday?

SPEAKER_01 19:47

She said, Wait, hold on. She said, she said, I'm so broke, I can't even go gamble the money to get the money to come see you. I said, Mama, that don't make sense.

SPEAKER_03 19:56

She said, I can't. I don't even have the money to go gamble to make the money that I'm gonna do.

SPEAKER_01 20:00

I said, Mama, that don't make sense. That's plans to strike.

SPEAKER_03 20:03

She knows I get it's funny because I get what she said. She likes, if she can just get a little bit to start, she can double it up and then she can have a little bit left in her pocket.

SPEAKER_01 20:13

If I can have if I had 20 to go put in this slot machine.

SPEAKER_03 20:15

To get 60, I could make something. I can make something else.

SPEAKER_01 20:18

Yeah, but that's plans to strike.

SPEAKER_03 20:20

Get it.

SPEAKER_01 20:20

That's plastic. Your spouse refuses counseling even though your marriage is struggling.

Refusing Counseling in a Struggling Marriage

SPEAKER_03 20:27

Oh, then I'll probably eventually have to walk away because I feel like I can see that.

SPEAKER_01 20:31

Eventually or right away. See, that's different now.

SPEAKER_03 20:34

Okay, that depends. Okay, I'm gonna say it depends on how long it's gone on for. Because if we clearly have been having issues, let's say for a duration of like years, right? And there's couples who have like issues for years, right? But again, if you are not willing to put forth every effort, including going to see counseling, even if you don't want to to save our relationship, then you don't want it as bad as I do.

SPEAKER_00 20:58

But I want it.

SPEAKER_03 20:59

So I'm gonna have to deuces. I want it throwing up the deuces.

SPEAKER_00 21:03

I want it though.

SPEAKER_03 21:04

Yeah. Not you. But I'm just saying, because I know that I know there is. I know that there is um, there's some people who don't believe in counseling. There's people who don't believe in therapy. There, you know what I'm saying? Like they think it's my life. I'm the one who's in this place. So I know the most. Yeah, I know I know the most of what's going on in my life, but you don't see things objectively sometimes. So if you are trying to be in cohabitation, in relation, in partnership with someone, and you guys are going through a difficult time, you're not seeing things eye to eye, you're not on the same page, your goals don't align, your individual lives can't come together. And one person suggests maybe it's time that we go talk to somebody who can look at us, you know, objectively and be able to get us back on the same page, or maybe there's miscommunication that's happening where we can't get on the same page and give us some tools and some tricks to help us. And you're refusing that, but then you also don't want to live in misery. Okay, then you can go off and live your life. Cause that's just telling me that you don't give a shit.

SPEAKER_01 22:10

So in the words of my girl Fantasia, if you don't know, free yourself, then don't talk to me.

SPEAKER_03 22:18

Go ahead and free yourself.

SPEAKER_01 22:20

Boom.

SPEAKER_03 22:20

What's the uh what was that on? It wasn't why did I get married? But she was like boom at the table.

SPEAKER_02 22:26

I don't know. I forget which movie it was.

SPEAKER_03 22:28

You said Christina's not here. That wasn't the those two different movies. I know what that's hilarious. Um, your spouse's family consistently disrespects you, and your spouse refuses to defend you.

SPEAKER_01 22:48

I'm not walking away, I'm just cussing everybody out. Oh you ain't gotta defend me because I'm gonna make it where y'all gotta be. I'm gonna defend myself. I'm gonna make it where y'all gotta defend yourself. Because now I have become the attacker. I am now the aggressor in this situation.

SPEAKER_03 23:02

This is what you wanted. What that that's no, that's what you're saying. This is what you this is the version of me you wanted. If I was being nice, apparently y'all want the smoke. You know what I'm saying? Lucky for you, I'm a grill master. I brought it.

SPEAKER_01 23:15

Simma. Bye.

SPEAKER_03 23:17

Simma, simma.

SPEAKER_01 23:19

That's not that's how the song goes.

SPEAKER_03 23:21

Oh, sorry.

SPEAKER_01 23:22

Uh your sauce says they don't want children

Cheating Once and Taking Accountability

SPEAKER_01 23:24

anymore after years of planning for them.

SPEAKER_03 23:26

That's uh if it's because that's a deal breaker, so yeah, that's a walk-away. Yeah, I shouldn't have to do that. That's a deal breaker. I need you.

SPEAKER_01 23:43

You gotta expect these now. Come on.

SPEAKER_03 23:46

Okay. Your spouse cheats once, immediately confesses it, ends the affair, and takes full responsibility. Are you staying or walking away? I'm out. I'm out.

SPEAKER_01 23:59

You do it once, you can do it again. Because if you do it once, then I take you back.

SPEAKER_03 24:05

What type of precedent am I setting? I'm letting you know that I'm accept your bullshit.

SPEAKER_01 24:10

My father in heaven has shown me that I love myself too much to be here in this.

SPEAKER_03 24:15

Because if you fool me once, shame on me. Shame on me. If you fool me twice, can't get fooled again.

SPEAKER_01 24:20

If you fool me twice, that's 20 years for me. Fool me twice. That's 20 years for me.

SPEAKER_03 24:26

Right. Basically, can't no fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice. Can't get fooled again. That's the version I will always use. I'm not gonna say, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna say the other version anymore. It's always that one. Can't get fooled again.

SPEAKER_01 24:39

Your spouse uh constantly criticize you in front of friends and family. Stay or walk away.

SPEAKER_03 24:44

Uh um, okay. I'm I'm gonna say stay right now. Wow. But we're gonna have a serious conversation. And then if that continues and persists, then we're gonna have to start making other arrangements where maybe I need to leave.

SPEAKER_01 24:58

Okay, so what should I leave? Because you constantly criticizing me.

SPEAKER_03 25:01

I have never criticized you in front of our friends. Don't go there. You go in front of these people every week. Oh my God! How do I criticize you? Now you've seen, you've seen, you think I criticize you in the same way um we've seen friends criticize spouses in front of our friends? Oh no. Oh, okay. Because that's what I'm thinking.

SPEAKER_01 25:21

We bought that smoke.

SPEAKER_03 25:21

Because well, but that's what I'm thinking. Because we be we be at it. Okay, but that's what I'm thinking. You and I have banter where we go back and forth. No, I'm not and we dog on each other.

SPEAKER_01 25:30

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_03 25:31

Your feelings get hurt.

SPEAKER_01 25:32

I have banter. You throw knives. You know what I'm saying? I'll be here with nice nice little snowballs, just jokes.

SPEAKER_03 25:39

Nice little snowball?

SPEAKER_01 25:41

Just jokes, and then here you come with your knife said. Oh, really? Shut them down. Not a game.

SPEAKER_03 25:48

No, it's just that you're a little bit more snowball soft than I am.

SPEAKER_01 25:54

You're not gonna call me soft. Now you're finna get beat up.

SPEAKER_03 26:00

But like I said, I don't criticize you if you're gonna be able to do that. Oh, we should play some flip after this.

SPEAKER_01 26:07

And now you're gonna be the one getting beat, not me. Okay. Because you do be beating me.

SPEAKER_03 26:11

I do.

SPEAKER_01 26:11

I'm happy you made it.

SPEAKER_03 26:13

But you're exactly where you want to be.

SPEAKER_01 26:14

I am, I do enjoy it.

SPEAKER_03 26:16

So, um, oh, okay. Your spouse quits their job without discussing it with you and has no backup plan. You walk in or you staying? Sometimes first you walk in or you staying. Just no, like you did me, walking or staying. I'm staying. You quit your job and I stayed. Okay. It says without discussing it. We didn't discuss it. I've been discussing it. Yes, we did. No, we discussed that's a discussion. We discussed it. No, I don't want I didn't want to pressure you. Okay. Anyway, we discussed it without any discussion. I'm not discussing it. I'm gonna stay. Okay. Now now what happens if I start making like five times more than you, Ergo becoming the breadwinner, and I pay like 90% of the household bills, and then I decide to just quit my job.

SPEAKER_01 27:03

Boosie bootsy apron. Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_03 27:10

But yeah, but if I quit, but if I quit without any discussion, how would you feel? If I just came home and was like, I quit the job that pays me a half a million dollars a year today. Oh, well.

SPEAKER_00 27:25

Don't cover me. Don't come for me. Okay. Don't come for me, okay?

SPEAKER_03 27:30

I'm just giving a scenario. Clearly, you don't make 25,000 a year. But I'm just saying, in that scenario, would you still be like, oh, I'm staying?

SPEAKER_01 27:38

Yeah. Because if you made half a million a year, you can you have a vision of the.

SPEAKER_03 27:42

There should be a buffer somewhere to hold a sofa. You'd be surprised.

SPEAKER_01 27:46

Right. You over there, Mr. Cartwright. I don't know why we do all the Tyler Ferry movies today.

SPEAKER_03 27:53

And I don't know why you keep going off on a tangent.

SPEAKER_01 27:58

Your spouse becomes emotionally distant over a year and refuses to explain why. Are you staying or are you walking away?

SPEAKER_03 28:05

Okay, so if you didn't include the, it refuses to say why. And I don't know how long this is gonna go on, and I know that clearly something is going on, but you're not even trying to make an effort to like let me in to help you, or seeming like you don't want to be helped, or I don't know. Um, I might I might give it another year or so, and then that's it. Then we might have something.

SPEAKER_01 28:34

Maybe I'm distant because I can't talk to you because you're always throwing shit in my face.

SPEAKER_03 28:38

Okay, that's not, it's that's not something like that. Huh? Like that's not true.

SPEAKER_01 28:42

That's why I'm emotionally distant because that's why I come to you, you make fun of me.

SPEAKER_03 28:44

First of all, you are not emotionally distant. You've never have been since you were 16. You emotions and distance?

unknown 28:55

No.

SPEAKER_01 28:55

I'm finna. Don't worry.

SPEAKER_02 28:59

It's not. That's because you beat me.

SPEAKER_01 29:02

That's because you beat me. I ain't got no force me to cry. Okay, Damel.

SPEAKER_03 29:08

Okay.

Major Lies Before Marriage

SPEAKER_03 29:09

Um your spouse admits they lied about something major before you guys got married. Are you staying or walking away? Major. So I'ma say major would be something like Made you think about it, didn't I? No, you didn't. I'ma say something major like they had an illegitimate child.

SPEAKER_01 29:31

Oh, I mean, you know, or sometimes there's some sort of topics you just don't know how to broach the subject.

SPEAKER_03 29:36

You should you should have to approach them before you agree to marry somebody else.

SPEAKER_01 29:40

You don't know how to broach the subject, so I can't blame him. Okay, so uh I think I would stay.

SPEAKER_03 29:45

So if I told you before we got married, I actually was dating a guy for like eight years and we technically had two kids together, but I let him have our other two kids and lied to you and said we didn't, I didn't have any children. And now you and I have children, but now he don't want the kids or he wants me to be a part of their lives. So now we gotta take in my other two kids you didn't know about.

SPEAKER_01 30:07

I mean, I love you so much. If they're a part of you, I can accept them.

SPEAKER_03 30:11

Oh. I'm lying my ass off. I was like, cuz I'm gonna just let you know now. I'm gonna let you know now if she was on the other foot.

SPEAKER_00 30:19

I know you wouldn't.

SPEAKER_03 30:20

I'm gonna say, I'm gonna give you the option of how much you think you would like to pay before you. You won't even accept the dog before before we take this to court.

SPEAKER_01 30:29

Your spouse constantly compares you to someone else.

SPEAKER_03 30:32

I mean, I'm staying, but we need to talk about that. And why you keep comparing me? And if it's something that's like deeply ingrained, they go be with that person.

SPEAKER_01 30:41

Because my mother done told you three times how to make the hot water cornbread and you're not doing the right steel. First of all, that's why I'm comparing you. First of all. You're still not making this hot water cornbread. First of all, and I gotta do it my.

SPEAKER_03 30:51

If you want to be with your mama, don't be with your mama.

SPEAKER_01 30:55

I don't. I want you to make the hot water cornbread right.

SPEAKER_03 30:58

I think on a very, very deep level, okay, that's that's what y'all be wanting.

SPEAKER_01 31:04

I I just want the hot water cornbread to be right.

SPEAKER_03 31:06

It is right. Everybody else eats it. But if you constantly compare it to your mom's, I mean she is right. I mean, you know where she is. It's crazy because you call her got the recipe and she's gonna be like, you can go be with her. Well, because I made it exactly how she told me to one time before, and I liked my version the other time.

SPEAKER_00 31:27

That's why. Go ahead, Riwa. I'm about done with you.

SPEAKER_03 31:32

Your spouse no longer wants to be physically intimate and refuses to discuss the issue or to seek help. We're

No Physical Intimacy and Refusing Help

SPEAKER_03 31:39

gonna answer this at the same time and see how, see where we are. On three. On three. All right, you just say walk or stay. Okay, okay. I'm gonna repeat the question really quick. Your spouse no longer wants physical intimacy and refuses to discuss the issue or seek help on three. One, two, three, walk away. Oh, I'm gonna stay. I love that. You love me?

SPEAKER_01 32:03

I love that because you don't know what's going on, right?

SPEAKER_03 32:05

But but the part where it says refuse again, like the other part, the refusal, and again, they may be refusing to talk about it in that moment.

SPEAKER_01 32:13

Sometimes people need time to process.

SPEAKER_03 32:14

Okay, that's the nuantia. We're not adding in the nuancia, we're not adding nuancia in there.

SPEAKER_01 32:22

You making the words is crazy.

SPEAKER_03 32:23

Yeah, the nuancia, I'm gonna agree with you. Okay, but face value.

SPEAKER_01 32:27

Okay, with face value, I'm I'm walking away.

SPEAKER_03 32:29

Okay, because when you say something like that, I'm thinking like, okay, I could drag this out for about 10 more years.

SPEAKER_01 32:35

That's no no no no no no no no no no no no no. You said you're staying. No, no, no, no. You said I'm gonna give you 30 to 90 days.

SPEAKER_03 32:43

30. That's not what it says.

SPEAKER_01 32:46

What'd it say?

SPEAKER_03 32:47

Uh it just says no longer.

SPEAKER_01 32:49

Like that means I'm gonna give you 39 days to fix this issue. 30 to 90 days, and I'm gonna get some on the side.

SPEAKER_03 32:56

Wow, really? Hey, that's that's a really costly uh mistake by you. That's crazy. Yeah, by me, exactly. Um, okay. Your spouse develops a substance abuse problem, but commits to recovery. That's a serious one.

SPEAKER_01 33:11

I'm gonna stay because you're addicted to creatine now. And I'm with you.

SPEAKER_03 33:16

And did you just say I'm addicted to creatine? I am not addicted to creatine. You just double your dosage. For a reason, for a purpose, not just for the hell of it. You're also addicted to alpha evolves. I'm not. I just enjoy them frequently, often. Okay. Not I wouldn't even say frequently, just I enjoy them daily when I get them. No, I don't enjoy them daily, Maurice. Don't don't play me like that.

SPEAKER_01 33:43

You have your abuses.

SPEAKER_03 33:44

Don't don't play me like that. What's today? Today's Monday. Today's Monday.

SPEAKER_01 33:48

Damn, now they know.

unknown 33:50

Oh.

SPEAKER_03 33:54

Well, obviously, we record these before, but it just dawned on me because I forgot the baby has practice, and you said I say you both so I'm gonna go get one when I take her practice.

SPEAKER_01 34:03

Yeah, okay. Your spouse refuses to grow, set goals or contribute to improving the marriage while expecting you to carry the relationship.

SPEAKER_03 34:12

Wait, what was it?

SPEAKER_01 34:13

Your spouse refuses to grow, set goals or contribute to improving the marriage while expecting you to carry the relationship.

SPEAKER_03 34:20

I mean, I'm gonna stay, but I'm gonna stay.

SPEAKER_01 34:27

Go ahead.

SPEAKER_03 34:28

But Donnell, please don't make me reach over there and abuse you on camera. Because you be here beating me when the camera's off. I don't beat you. So go ahead. I aggressively love you. Okay, and I really don't want to have to aggressively love you on camera.

SPEAKER_01 34:45

Aggressively loving you.

SPEAKER_03 34:46

I'm aggressively loving you. It is not abuse. Um, I'm gonna stay because I also believe that, you know, being a present partner is helping your partner. Okay. So, like, you know, maybe maybe you're just like mentally stuck right now. Maybe you're just like uninspired. Maybe there's Why is it me? Maybe there's something chemically going on in your brain that's causing you to be this way. And you why is it me? I didn't say you, I'm just saying as in like a partner. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00 35:24

I love tricky.

SPEAKER_03 35:26

Okay, let's do like two more. Go ahead, read them. Your spouse tells you that they regret marrying you, but says they don't want a divorce.

SPEAKER_01 35:38

I'ma stay because I understand. Because I understand.

SPEAKER_03 35:43

Because you know, sometimes people have first hand experience.

SPEAKER_01 35:46

Sometimes people get married, they switch up on you. But you love them. But they switch up, it's like, man, you wouldn't act like this when you got that paper. You got them papers. Now you now you got them papers, now you acting different. Wow. But I'm gonna stay because I love you. You've been acting different after you got the papers.

SPEAKER_03 36:02

Okay, are you gonna stay because you love them or because like at this point you're just like because I love you.

SPEAKER_02 36:08

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_03 36:09

Why why are you saying it to me? I never told you I regretted marrying you, but don't want a divorce. I said that before we got married. It was a difference, see? And then we worked on it, and then I was like, man, I can't wait to marry you. Not the same thing. It is, it's not the same thing, it is the same thing.

unknown 36:28

Go ahead.

SPEAKER_03 36:29

I did not say that. Go ahead, read one more. No, I've never told you I regretted marrying you.

SPEAKER_01 36:34

I never said you did.

SPEAKER_03 36:35

Okay, but you're trying to you're trying to insinuate that I did. But I always tell you, what do I always tell you? Really? I always tell you marrying you was what? What did I say? The best decision I ever made.

SPEAKER_01 36:50

That day. You say that day. Really, Demel? You said you had nothing better to do that day.

SPEAKER_03 36:56

Why are you trying to make it seem like I don't love you?

SPEAKER_01 36:59

You know why?

SPEAKER_03 37:00

Why? Okay. Will right. You're literally like one of my favorite people on earth. Really? I mean, not right now, in this in this particular moment. Did you? Because you try to you're trying to play my life. No, I don't. I don't. Just me. I don't stab I stab you with love and emotion.

SPEAKER_01 37:22

Somebody said about if I need help, blink twice.

SPEAKER_03 37:27

Okay. I'm trapped, y'all. He's right where he wants to be. I'm trapped. He's right where he wants to be. I'm trapped, y'all. Um, let's see. Your spouse shares your private marital issues with friends or family after you ask them not to. Now, this that's tough because now you've betrayed my trust.

SPEAKER_00 37:49

Yep. There you go.

SPEAKER_03 37:51

Um, and when my trust is betrayed, especially by the one person who I feel like is my like my ace, my A1, day one, the person that literally can hold all my secrets, the person that is like uh the treasure chest of my mental, that's deep. That's really deep. Because then now I can't trust you. And if I felt like you were the only person that I could really go to, aside from the good Lord himself, and now you're off that list. I mean, you might as well be by yourself. Yeah, might as well be by yourself.

SPEAKER_01 38:30

That's I mean I agree. Yeah, it's crazy because if I can't trust you, why you here?

SPEAKER_03 38:35

Right, that's that's wild. Can't be around here betraying people's trust.

SPEAKER_01 38:39

I got better faith than a roofer.

SPEAKER_02 38:43

Okay, Demel. I'm gonna make that one. I was gonna say. Oh, Demel. Uh Demel.

SPEAKER_01 38:52

Wow, that's crazy.

SPEAKER_02 38:54

Ah, Demel.

SPEAKER_01 38:55

Okay, okay, people. Since we're done with that nonsense,

Quick Two Cents: Compatibility or Commitment

SPEAKER_01 39:01

we're gonna hop into our comments. No, we're not. We're gonna hop into our quick two cents. Our quick two cents. I changed the name of it. This is where I ask my wife a my lovely wife a question every week. Since when? We started last week.

SPEAKER_03 39:15

We started he just haphazardly pops things in here.

SPEAKER_01 39:19

I do.

SPEAKER_03 39:19

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 39:20

And uh, y'all seem to like her answer about water and the grass. The grass is greener when you water, whatever she said. I don't pay attention to her. Uh well, I can't pay attention to you while you talk and look at your ass at the same time.

SPEAKER_02 39:32

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 39:32

So I focus on what's important.

SPEAKER_02 39:33

All right.

SPEAKER_01 39:34

That ass.

SPEAKER_02 39:35

What question?

SPEAKER_01 39:35

So the question today is what's more important? Compatibility or commitment?

SPEAKER_03 39:40

And I think this is compatibility or commitment. I feel like we've done a episode about this?

SPEAKER_01 39:44

Yes. But answer the question. Give a damn what you think you feel.

SPEAKER_03 39:49

Um commitment.

SPEAKER_01 39:50

Oh. Okay. Why? Are you gonna you gonna explain?

SPEAKER_03 39:55

Um, because I feel as though in order to get to commitment, there had to be some level of compatibility there prior anyway. So, and then if you made a decision such as marriage based on what attracted you to that person, the qualities you saw in that person that you deemed you all compatible, and you decided to make such a huge decision and that level of commitment to marriage, then as you grow, and even as you know, your personalities change, your perspectives change and and all that, which is is going to happen, but you still made a commitment. So I agree with you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:37

I feel like it's gonna be committed. Commitment matters more because you when you commit to to grow with each other, you're gonna you when you grow together, yeah, through the commitment, yeah, then you should become more compatible because you're growing up.

SPEAKER_03 40:48

Well, because not only that, I think you're still willing to do the work. Right. And that's where the challenge comes in, at right? That's where the challenges, Maurice, you're doing a lot. Again, again, you do it a lot. Um, that's where the challenge comes in, right? Especially as you grow and you get older and when you make such a huge commitment, especially in your younger years, there's still a lot of experience that has to happen individually. There's still a lot of challenges that still come your way. Get out of my face. Um and so things are going to change. Your partner is going to change. That's just like when you have kids, right? And they're like, oh my gosh, she wasn't, she wasn't the same. Of course, she's not the same. You're not the same either, sir. So you gotta rely on the commitment. You the commitment, the discipline, the thought process you had about wanting to spend forever with this person. And granted, there's gonna come situations that are probably, you know, where you're like, hey, that's enough, like adultery or you know, cheating and stuff like that, you know?

SPEAKER_01 41:52

Yeah, I I agree. Because, you know, before before we had kids, she was so much fun. I mean, she was down for anything. Grease. And now she's like, I'm somebody's mother. Yeah, how'd you think you got that way? Because we was having fun before she got here. Now you want to be reserved.

SPEAKER_03 42:10

Somebody come get him.

SPEAKER_01 42:11

You want to tooth that ass up, drop it low.

SPEAKER_03 42:16

I can't. Comments of the week. I probably comments of the week.

SPEAKER_01 42:22

All right, I don't know how many I got. Just bear with me. It

Comment of the Week

SPEAKER_01 42:26

ain't that many. Okay, so the first comment comes from the sh uh the post about the chairs, assigned seats. Where Uncle was assigning sheet seats based off of weight. Oh gosh, because he didn't want them messing up his good cheap front drug, apparently. And so this first comment comes from Instagram, it comes from uh Mickey 1859. Uh she says, Eat air, sir, not my food.

SPEAKER_03 42:52

Bye.

SPEAKER_01 42:53

Because you remember that you remember the lady said that she left and took her food.

SPEAKER_03 42:59

Oh, yeah, she did. She did.

SPEAKER_01 43:00

She said, You're not finna keep there. I brought she brought the chair to be there. He said, she said, you're not gonna disrespect me and think you're gonna keep my food. So I'm gonna leave, I'm gonna take my chair back home with my food and we're gonna have a good time. But she also said she she said she made her a plate and then took her food, which is crazy.

SPEAKER_03 43:15

Okay, just before you go on to the next one, I just wanted to read what my friend had sent me when she came across it. Okay, go ahead. She okay, so this this is from my friend the jewels. Oh my uh she read it. She sent me a screenshot from Google of a standard dining chair weight capacity, which typically ranges between 200 and 250 pounds for basic residential models and um heavier dutier versions for three, she sent me all this for 300 to 400. Then she said, I'm not trying to be petty, but if I had a badass dining table from Ethan Allen and her ass is 400 pounds. She is getting a folding chair, and so God help her.

SPEAKER_01 44:04

Yeah. I mean, thanks.

SPEAKER_03 44:06

She said, sorry, I really gave this one some thought.

SPEAKER_01 44:09

She did. She did.

SPEAKER_03 44:11

It's okay.

SPEAKER_01 44:13

Okay. And the next two comments, they both come from Instagram, and they're about uh they're about to post about the 19-year-old that you know he wanted more intimacy with his girl.

SPEAKER_02 44:22

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 44:22

And they were long distance and whatever, whatever. And the uh the first uh comment comes from uh Go Go Blue. Uh he says, it's somebody else's bro, go hit the gym.

SPEAKER_03 44:34

He said, just just cut your ties with that one and just just go work on yourself. Go hit the weights.

SPEAKER_01 44:41

Get in there and just uh go hit the weights. Improve yourself. Now, this one will this will make me laugh. This last comment, also from Instagram, it comes from one wine underscore 423. My guy said, Pack it up, my guy. She has a full-time plumber on call at home.

SPEAKER_03 44:59

A full-time plumber is crazy.

SPEAKER_01 45:02

You ain't doing it for her. A full-time plumber is crazy. Like I said, you coming and she going.

SPEAKER_03 45:10

No, he's not coming.

SPEAKER_01 45:11

That's the problem. Well, what I'm saying is, when they were when they are intimate, uh-huh, he's coming and she's going. Oh, yeah. So is she tired of just laying there?

SPEAKER_03 45:21

By Maurice.

SPEAKER_01 45:22

Because I don't know, I don't know no woman that's gonna just lay there now. Let's yeah, if he had a lot of money.

SPEAKER_03 45:27

You gotta do what you gotta do. You gotta, but even if he had a lot of money, you still gotta make the starfish enjoyable.

SPEAKER_01 45:34

Well, I mean, I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 45:38

I don't know. I ain't got nothing there.

SPEAKER_01 45:40

I ain't got nothing to tell you.

SPEAKER_03 45:42

I ain't got nothing there.

SPEAKER_01 45:42

I ain't got nothing to tell you.

SPEAKER_03 45:43

All right, guys, let's hop on into R2 sense.

SPEAKER_00 45:45

R2 cents.

SPEAKER_03 45:47

Okay, this one says um advice needed.

SPEAKER_00 45:50

I got

Our 2 Cents Begins

SPEAKER_00 45:51

it.

Husband Opens the Divorce Door

SPEAKER_03 45:53

My husband opened the quote unquote divorce door and I walked through. Okay. Um, my 26-year-old, I'm a 26-year-old female, husband is 27, and then I have had a rocky relationship for a really long time. We got together at 19 and not under so great circumstances, and it caused issues for the first two and a half years of us being together. But now we've been married for four and a half years, and the last year has been hell.

SPEAKER_00 46:20

Damn.

SPEAKER_03 46:20

I've been awful to him. He's been awful to me. I've realized that my anger towards him has been on my own anger at myself, projected at him for what he's put me through. Okay, that's a self-reflection.

SPEAKER_04 46:32

Growth.

SPEAKER_03 46:33

The issues over the last three years. I've been completely taken off the finances and kept in the dark when I've asked about them. We started a joint account, changed banks with the when the military moved us. Um, decisions, financial and not, are not ran by me. He told me the first couple of weeks of me being pregnant three years ago that I was quote unquote right about everything, meaning he cheated on me for the first couple of years sleeping with his ex.

SPEAKER_04 47:00

Damn.

SPEAKER_03 47:00

I had also admitted to hooking up with someone when we broke up for one week.

SPEAKER_04 47:04

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 47:04

I'm sharing all the information so that he's not the only asshole. Okay, I can get that.

SPEAKER_04 47:10

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 47:10

Um, he's ignored me for five days because he was upset over the past and will always ignore me during and after arguments, but wants to talk about it at 1 a.m., of course. He's threatened divorce um at least 12 times since January, threatened to take our son from me if I try to get alimony and some other stuff that I'm forgetting, but there's all the big things. Now, three nights ago, he came into our room at 11 p.m. and told me, I think that you should go back to your home state. And I said, okay. And I'm taking the steps necessary to do so. But now he's begging for me to try, saying he'll put me on the finances because he talked to his mom and she said that he should, said he'll treat me like a partner and prioritize me. In return, he wants a devoted wife. My issue with that is one, he's promised all this before. Two, a devoted wife in his eyes is me being lovey dovey, packing lunches, only attention for him, um, and not um not the other priorities that I also have in my life. I feel as though I'll be putting in more effort than him on a daily basis because his is a set and forget it type of thing, bank account and large decisions. I just don't know what to trust. My brain is telling me that I'll figure it out at home or my heart breaking for making a decision that affects the three people. I don't know if I'm actually willing to work it out, and that hurts me more. I've been done for such a long time, and every time he said divorce, I've gotten one step closer and more numb to the idea. But now that it's my decision to actually leave, and his offer of me moving back home was only an attention grabber, I don't know what to think. Any advice or guidance is appreciated.

SPEAKER_01 48:57

He played chicken too many times and lost. Right. That's all it is.

SPEAKER_03 49:01

Because what do I always say about the D word? What do I always say about the D word? Don't say unless you mean it. Yeah, unless you mean it. Look here. That is not a that's not a tool to argue with.

SPEAKER_01 49:09

Look here. I mean, you have enough data in your in your data set to understand exactly who he is, and you know that this sometimes shit just don't work. Yeah, sometimes it's not gonna work. And um, I'm pretty sure his uh reluctance is that he one, he didn't probably he probably didn't believe that you're gonna go through with it. Two, he know that he ain't finna live the life he's living now. Because especially if you're in the military, it's all on him. Yeah, you finna get all that bag.

SPEAKER_03 49:40

Or it's just the thought of actually going through with it and breaking up your family, and now and then you he do probably care about that.

SPEAKER_01 49:50

They don't care about that shit. They don't care about that, they wouldn't cheat if they cared about that shit.

SPEAKER_03 49:54

And then she said he was cheating for the first uh first few years of that marriage. They only been married four and a half. And she said it was turbulence at two and a half, but he was cheating for the first few. Didn't she say he cheated while she was pregnant? No, he didn't cheat while she was pregnant.

SPEAKER_01 50:10

That's the lowest of the low.

SPEAKER_02 50:11

That's that's wild.

SPEAKER_01 50:13

Cheat while she's pregnant. I mean, I hate why they do it, but it's low. Yeah, y'all. I can't. Y'all crazy when y'all pregnant. I can't.

SPEAKER_02 50:20

I can't.

SPEAKER_01 50:21

It's rough. I can't, but no, um, I I think you should follow your first mind and go back home.

SPEAKER_03 50:26

Yeah. And and maybe, you know, like sometimes time apart. The space between you will make the heart grow fonder.

SPEAKER_01 50:34

No, well, or it gives you a clearer picture.

SPEAKER_03 50:37

Yeah, more perspective.

SPEAKER_01 50:38

Yeah. Because I know well, you know, when I cut HBO off, I'm like, damn, I really wasn't using it, but now I want to watch it.

SPEAKER_03 50:43

Bye Maurice. Okay. How important is physical intimacy? I just have a question.

SPEAKER_01 50:48

Depending on if it's good or not.

SPEAKER_03 50:50

Um, a 33-year-old female, and I need some outside perspective because I've been in circles for days, and I can't tell if I'm about to make a huge mistake in either direction. Okay. My boyfriend, who was 33, is genuinely one of the best people I've ever met. Kind, funny, big heart. We have loads in common and we make each other laugh. I love him, and it took me years to find someone that I feel this way about. So I don't say that lightly. Okay. The issue is physical and sexual connection.

SPEAKER_02 51:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 51:18

And I feel almost embarrassed that it's just that because everything else is so good. But it's a big deal for me. And not only the sex itself, it's the making out, the being wanted, the closeness of it. That's a huge part of how I bond and feel safe with someone. And with him, it runs quite low. Since the beginning, he has made it clear that physical touch is not his primary love language. It's mine. And it was evident early on that light caresses and moments of intimacy don't do very much for him on an emotional level. He

How Important Is Physical Intimacy?

SPEAKER_03 51:52

is an amazing cuddler and I feel so amazing when he holds me, but his drive is lower than mine. He said he doesn't really enjoy making out. He tends to check out partway through. And I quite often feel more like someone he's fond of than someone he actually desires. For what it's worth, I do feel incredibly attracted to him despite all of this. And whenever I've brought it up, he always says that he's very attracted to me as well. And that I'm too much, oh, and that I'm so much more than just a friend, which is what I've accused him of sometimes making me feel like. The fact that he's going through a genuinely awful stretch right now, burnout, low, hates his job, makes me think that that's a part of his low desire and that might have something to do with it, and that it'll lift and he'll be in a better place once he's through it. But even when he's had just started, even when we started dating nine months ago, um, as much as we had great chemistry and high attraction, he was always very clearly lessened to bonding through physical and intimate touch with me. Lately, I've been landing on, I think we should break up, thinking of my frustrations in the long term. And then we have a warm moment and slide back to, but I love him and he's good to me. And maybe I'm throwing away something rare. I'm honestly the most stuck I have ever been. I'm also a bit isolated, moved to cities, hard to make friends here. And I'm really trying not to let fear of being alone be the one thing that keeps me in it. So I guess my questions are from experience, how important is this stuff long term? Has anyone stayed through a physical mix mismatch like this and has it gotten better or left someone they loved over it? And how do you feel now? Am I too young to just accept this? Or am I about to blow up something good over something, over something that I feel I'm being left out of?

SPEAKER_01 53:47

That's a lot. Golly. Um33. So that's how I say um the fact that he's going through a hard time, that might have a lot to do with it. He he you thinking about one thing, he thinking about how you're gonna get his life back on track.

SPEAKER_03 54:01

But remember what he said.

SPEAKER_01 54:03

He's never been that way.

SPEAKER_03 54:04

He said he's he made it clear. She said that he said he made it clear that physical intimacy is not that important.

SPEAKER_01 54:12

Physical touch.

SPEAKER_03 54:13

Well, physical touch, whatever. It's not a high priority thing.

SPEAKER_01 54:16

And to that, I say, how how long have they been together?

SPEAKER_03 54:21

Um I don't think it says if it's new over nine months, because nine months.

SPEAKER_01 54:27

Okay, that's fine. Um, I feel like the more fond, the more fond he becomes of you, the more things he will do. Because I feel like, I don't know. I just feel like uh I do feel like as men that it is our job to even when you know things are out of your comfort zone, you do things for your partner that you know you talk to them in their love language. Yeah, the same way you we want to be talked in our love language, we have to, you know, you I feel like everything has to be reciprocal. So I don't know, I feel like you're in a hard space because you seem like you really like him. And so I I would ask you if these are if the the little if the making out sessions and and the intimate touching and all that stuff, if it matters that much to you when it's something you can't get over, and it's something you're always gonna double back to, then I would say you have to count your losses. But if you feel like this is something you can actually deal with and he's and he's hitting every other box, because remember, you're not gonna find somebody hit every hit every box. But if he's hitting enough boxes, it may be something you you know, how big is this box for you?

SPEAKER_03 55:23

Okay, now flip the flip the sexes.

SPEAKER_01 55:27

Because if this if it if it was the other way around, if you can't deal, if you can't, I would tell him straight to his face. If this if you can't deal with this way, you gotta leave. But if you feel like you can handle it, then you stay. But if you stay, and you if you're gonna accept it, you don't keep bringing it up to her. You can't keep bringing it up to her because you've accepted it.

SPEAKER_03 55:45

Okay. I get I know I'm I'm I get what you're saying. I'm not disagreeing with you. I'm not disagreeing with you. Say whatever you want to say. Um, but I do think that I'm not gonna even say intimacy because I think just sex and intimacy are two different things. They're very different. Um, but you know, they can connect, and when they connect, it's good. It's great. It's good. Um, but I do believe that sex is an important part of a relationship if if you believe in premarital sex. That's what I'll say. If you believe in premarital sex.

SPEAKER_01 56:20

Who don't?

SPEAKER_03 56:20

It's a lot. A lot of people.

SPEAKER_01 56:22

Okay. They're lying to themselves.

SPEAKER_03 56:24

Okay. Um, then that can also be a really important uh part of a relationship. So I think like for me, I would take it back to the kids' conversation. Would you continuously entertain someone who is dead set on telling you that they don't want kids, but you are dead set on wanting a family? And that's why and that's a deal breaker for you. So if that's a deal breaker for you, right? You want to sit there and continuously waste your time with someone who's telling you, girl, I don't want kids, you're not gonna get into this relationship and we're gonna build this uh big, beautiful life. And then you think you're gonna convince me otherwise down the road and then get your heart broken, you're just gonna cut your losses. So if this is somebody who you don't see this, like you see building something with them, but you don't see this aspect of your relationship being where you feel like you can be satisfactory in that area, you know what I'm saying? Then maybe this is something where you need to step away a little bit and get some clarity, some perspective, and possibly find somebody else who you are matched to.

SPEAKER_01 57:26

Someone you find someone you align with more.

SPEAKER_03 57:28

Right, because you're just dating right now, you're not like married to this person, and I'm gonna go to the city.

SPEAKER_01 57:32

So you get to test the goods before you're nine months in, so I would say make a decision soon. Yeah, because if you're 33, you ain't got much time. Okay, bye, Maurice. But them summers gonna Okay, Maurice. Summer's gonna creep up on you fast.

SPEAKER_03 57:46

Okay, am I the asshole or am I overreacting? I'm sorry. Um, my male friend asking my wife to get dinner, knowing I'm out of town. Okay, okay. Some context. I've been friends with we'll call him Bob for a

Male Friend Asks Wife to Dinner

SPEAKER_03 58:04

long time now. Over the years, he's built a friendship with my wife over shared activities and shared interests.

SPEAKER_02 58:11

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 58:12

Some things worth pointing out. He always makes subtle compliments on things like what she's wearing, for example. Always takes her side, no matter what on things we do as a group. Polls, opinions, random things, doesn't matter. And sort of makes me feel like the butt of every joke in a group setting. I understand there's a level of friendly gesturing and teasing in any friendship. That is normal and healthy, but maybe I'm overthinking. Back to the main topic. I recently told him and a bunch of our friends that I'm going out of town on certain days for work. The next day, he called and asked my wife directly if she wants to grab dinner since I'm out of town. He's never asked if I wanted to go out to dinner one-on-one. I feel like this is a pretty big red flag. Am I overreacting? Also, yes, I trust my wife completely. My focus is whether I should trust Bob and his behaviors or his unknown intentions or take action. Don't trust Bob.

SPEAKER_01 59:20

Don't trust Bob. The Fox is already in the in the hen house.

SPEAKER_03 59:24

Yeah, don't trust Bob. We don't we don't trust Bob like that. Yeah. Bob is waiting for you to screw up.

SPEAKER_01 59:30

I would never call none of my friends wise. Like, you know what? Songs on the time, you wanna get some.

SPEAKER_03 59:34

You wanna get some business?

SPEAKER_01 59:35

I would never.

SPEAKER_03 59:39

I know he's out of town. Let me protect you while he's a man. But Bob may not be married.

SPEAKER_01 59:45

Bob not married. Yeah, that's it. But that's inappropriate. But as a man, you know that's inappropriate.

SPEAKER_03 59:48

Yeah, he does.

SPEAKER_01 59:49

Bob's gonna catch these hands.

SPEAKER_03 59:51

No, Bob is doing the little things until he's being told not to.

SPEAKER_01 59:53

The only only way this is okay is if Bob is gay.

SPEAKER_03 59:56

That's that's Bob ain't gay. You can't, but that's the thing. Bob getting these hands on your gay. You can't guarantee that. What if that's what's what if that's a ploy?

SPEAKER_01 1:00:05

It could be. I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:06

But what if that's a ploy? You would feel comfortable, right? And then me and Bob go to dinner and you're not worried because you're like, oh, Bob is getting. And then I tell you, you know what? You know what Gay Bob did? Gay Bob messed around and kissed me.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:19

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:19

Kept his lips pursed together, but he kissed me.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:23

Well, I know you will go out to dinner with him. You have history. He's a freak.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:28

Really? I have history? It was a free meal and I got a free iPod shuffle.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:33

So I took, huh?

SPEAKER_03 1:00:34

What did you expect me to do?

SPEAKER_00 1:00:36

Just a just a whore.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:42

No, I don't think. It was my favorite restaurant at the time.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:45

I don't think you're overreacting.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:46

No, you're not overreacting. Bob need a uh Yeah, you know, you need to say something to Bob.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:52

As the old folks say, Bob need a whole lot of get right.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:55

Yeah. But here's the thing. A whole lot of get right. Here's the thing. People will go as far as you let them. Uh-huh. And because you haven't corrected Bob when he made you the butt of a joke, because you haven't said anything to Bob, the history is there. So, but the thing is, is Bob is doing something a little bit more aggressive, a little bit more aggressive, a little bit more aggressive until he puts your wife in a situation, right? And he, Bob is thinking, your husband hasn't said anything. You and I are close and we're friends, right? So let me go ahead and make my move. Now it's getting more serious because Bob then took it to the next level. Because ain't nobody said nothing to Bob.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:33

And also I'm gonna say this. If you're taking my wife's side every time, you ain't my friend. First of all, you should be like Switzerland. Because, no, if you my friend, you on my side.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:44

Even if I'm wrong, we stand 10 toes down.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:46

Even if I'm wrong, you tell me when she's not around. Hey dog. You know you was fucked up for that, right? I'm looking at you then you face, I appreciate you having my back, Claire. Because I got your back when it's time to come time.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:57

You think I'ma sit there and yeah, I know. You need to you need to say something to Bob, like quick, fast, and in a hurry. And then I'm just wondering if your wife took the free meal.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:08

She did. I mean anything like my wife.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:10

Would you woman love free shit? I was like 19. Well, it don't matter how old you was. I wasn't married. So you're staying in my house. So technic no. So technically, so technically, what they would say is on paper I was single.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:28

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:29

That's what that's what the paper would say. But because my now husband trusts me and I wanted a free meal. Okay. It was teasing. Gosh.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:42

This is the last episode.

Closing: Phoenix Says Hi to the Booskies

SPEAKER_03 1:02:45

This has been another episode of the Life After I Do podcast.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:48

Wait a minute. Hold up. I have an announcement to make. My lovely daughter Phoenix wants the booskies to know that she loves you.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:55

She says hi and she loves you. She did. She was like, tell tell the booskies I said hi. So we gotta tell y'all she said hi and she loved y'all.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:04

We don't, she's gonna be on our butt.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:06

Um, yes. So this has been another episode of the Life After I Do podcast.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:10

Doo-doo-doo.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:11

If you are not doing so already, don't forget to like and follow on all of our social media platforms at Life After I Do Podcast. You can also write into the podcast at LifeAfter I Do Podcast at gmail.com. Don't forget to tell a friend, to tell a friend to tell grandma. Because if granny know, then everybody else will.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:33

And until next time.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:34

Until next week. Peace, booskies. Peace, booskies.