Life After I Do Podcast

Is it Us or The Problem?

• Life After I Do • Season 1 • Episode 125

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What if your partner isn’t the problem—but the pattern is? In this episode of Life After I Do Podcast, we explore how shifting from “me vs you” to “us vs the issue” transforms conflict into coordination. Through real-life stories and practical language swaps, we show how timing, tone, and validation can prevent blowups and build stronger repair.

Listener scenarios involving financial tension, boundary violations, and unspoken expectations reinforce the core lesson: speak early, set clear terms, and protect your peace. If you’re ready to fight smarter—not louder—this episode offers practical tools for healthier conflict and stronger partnership.

Thanks for rocking with us! Don’t forget to follow Life After I Do so you never miss an episode. Got a relationship situation you want us to weigh in on? Hit us at https://linktr.ee/lifeafteridopodcast — we just might talk about it in a future episode.

SPEAKER_00:

Because I when I see that, I'll be like, let her go. She needs some lawn order, some some uh some in the heat of the night.

SPEAKER_02:

You're that way sometimes. Other times you try to double down to think you're gonna be the one to pull me out of of the upset or the anger. And then I just be like, Sometimes I do. Hey. Sometimes I do. Like literally, dude, one more word. I'm liable to disappear.

SPEAKER_00:

I come like, bad, you want some wingstop?

SPEAKER_02:

That's different.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, see? That's different.

SPEAKER_02:

Hey everybody, and welcome back to your weekly double for the Life of Thirty Podcast. You know the drill. Sit back, relax, or like if you're in the car, right? You know, still pay attention to the road. Party on down to the but just sit back, relax, and kick it with us. Just kick it. Jazz kick it. Jazz kid.

SPEAKER_00:

I don't know that song. I should. Really? I I know the words. Are you joking? Or are you being serious? I'm joking. I know the words if I if it's playing, but if for some reason why they. Take it off your shoes and relax your feet.

SPEAKER_02:

Party on down to the SKB just kicking. Just give me a screen. That's because SK was a good group.

SPEAKER_00:

They just went the group because SWB was W-U-M-V-A-S. Come on, everybody know.

SPEAKER_02:

What did SWV stand for? Huh? What did it stand for?

SPEAKER_00:

Sister with voices. Sisters with voices. Come on now. Okay. I know everything about Coco. No, you don't. Except her address.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, it can't be hard to find.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm joking. Well, her fine ass.

SPEAKER_02:

Hey Booski. Hi. How you doing? How you been? I've been better, but you know, I'm trying. What's going on? I'm trying. What's going on? I don't know.

SPEAKER_00:

Tell me.

SPEAKER_02:

Your girl is just like in a little like funk.

SPEAKER_00:

You know what it is? You need to get online and say, how much you weigh? What? Oh, anyway. Anything I do want to can't whip me.

SPEAKER_02:

You can't you can't be my ass. So it don't matter because you can't be my ass.

SPEAKER_00:

You can't whip me.

SPEAKER_02:

You can't whip my ass. Anything I do on it, you can't whip me.

SPEAKER_00:

You can't whip me.

SPEAKER_02:

Um no, but I'm like, I'm cool. I just, I don't know. I've been like a little bit in a funk the last couple of days. I don't know. But you know, I it's funny because um it's also taken me a little longer to finish the book that I'm reading right now. Because it's trash. It's absolutely not, and you will not be disrespectful. Okay. It's black history month. You will not be Black History Month. You will not be disrespectful, especially to black authors. I don't care if you like the book or don't like the book, you won't be disrespectful. I didn't know it was a black author. Um, yes.

SPEAKER_00:

What's the book before they ask me in the comments?

SPEAKER_02:

The book I'm I'm finishing today, actually, is uh Razor Blade Tears by S.A. Cosby. All right. You've been on S.A. Cosby. I know. That's what I'm saying. I came I came straight out of uh All Cinners Bleed to Razor Blade Tears. You got you like that? And he got you like that and then I'm reading um Black Top Wasteland. What's that? Is that by the same guy?

SPEAKER_00:

That's yep. Okay. Those are like As long as it ain't whoever wrote that one book you wrote with Jermaine, they need to stop. Whoever wrote that one need to stop.

SPEAKER_02:

The fact that you only remember it by the character's name is crazy work. The book was crazy work. I feel like, I mean, if you just wanted his brother's son. His brother's son.

SPEAKER_00:

I said, this is some crazy.

SPEAKER_02:

So that that book is called Cutthroat. I think I talked about it last week, actually. I think you asked me about it last week. Um, but yeah, but yeah, I I think um I'm just like, I don't know. I'm just in this mood, I guess. Huh?

SPEAKER_00:

You need bubble time.

SPEAKER_02:

I I had, I mean, I could use some bubble time. Yeah, but I could use a little time away.

SPEAKER_00:

I could use them as souls. The problem with that is your daughter's plot on your downfall. Because all her your bubble time is quickly turned into family time.

SPEAKER_01:

It always turns into family.

SPEAKER_00:

Because she gave me a list of places she wanted for spring break for free race.

SPEAKER_02:

Of course she did.

SPEAKER_00:

A list of places she wanted to go to the street. Of course she did.

SPEAKER_02:

Of course she did.

SPEAKER_00:

She said she thought about Universal, but we did that already. So she wants to go to Disney World because mommy told her that Disney World wasn't. It's in Florida. So she wanted to get on the plane during her spring break.

SPEAKER_02:

To go to Florida.

SPEAKER_00:

Go to Florida.

SPEAKER_02:

So that she can go to Disney World. I said, oh. Because she said it's not the same. She heard she heard on the streets. That it wasn't the same. And the streets meaning her friends. Right. See, that's what I be saying. It's not your kids that you have to worry about all the time. It is them other ones.

SPEAKER_00:

It's them other ones.

SPEAKER_02:

It's the other ones that are the infiltrators. Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

I see other people.

SPEAKER_02:

This whole time this baby has been happy with regular old Disneyland. Now she done got obsessed with cruises in Florida.

SPEAKER_00:

Next thing you know, it's gonna be like, I need to go to Disney Japan.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, well, I I I actually want to go to that one. We could split a skip over Florida and go straight. I think she would love that. She would love that. She doesn't want to go on the plane.

SPEAKER_00:

She just wanna be on a plane like this.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh I mean, do you have any more of those peanuts? But I did I did tell her, I was like, when she was old enough to like understand the experience, like she, you know, we'll make sure that we'll do more trips where it requires maybe a short flight, nothing like too long, just like a short flight.

SPEAKER_00:

And she was like, okay. It's five and a half hours in New York.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, that's a short flight.

SPEAKER_00:

Short flight is two hours or less.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, okay. Well then take her on a flight to Vegas. I don't know. 45 minutes. Okay. But um take her to Houston.

SPEAKER_00:

That's about actually that's about three and a half.

SPEAKER_02:

We can do like a lunch date or like a weekend or something. She'll like, but then I was like, a lot of weekend trips, she'll start getting used to stuff like that. Uh not that there's anything wrong with it, but I know my kid. I know my kid.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, you know, I don't want I don't want it to be a theme, but a theme? A theme, but I just I've just been exhausted.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, maybe that's what it is. Maybe I'm a little exhausted. I don't know.

SPEAKER_00:

The schedule lately has been ridiculous.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, a little cramped, it's been nonstop.

SPEAKER_00:

The baby girl had competition.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, all the prep for that, prep for that, and then just life in general.

SPEAKER_00:

Valentine's Day weekend and all the oh my god, all the events and the meetings and the parties at school, parties at the friends house.

SPEAKER_02:

All the gift bags I had to make. I was like, girl, do we have to make a gift bag for everybody? Because I don't I don't really feel like everybody should get a gift bag. Like, I'm not sure why I'm making gift bags for like school and the parties and the team.

SPEAKER_00:

On top of that, we've had a competition every weekend for the club.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, which was has it, yeah, that didn't happen last year at all.

SPEAKER_00:

So it's like we we had a break. Yeah. We we we motherfucking died.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. And then just then just adulting in general. Right. I think it's just been the adulting. Like my adulting um odometer has just been it's been a little, it's been a little much. Like, I'm gonna take a nap right now. Like, if y'all watching this and it looks like I'm fighting for my life to like keep my eyes open and not get watery and stuff, it's because I'm really fighting a nap. I just want y'all to know. All right. I think y'all deserve to know.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, quick PSA.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Um, to all the new year new me people that are still holding on.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, bye Vaurice, what you're not finna do is get up here and shit on people who are making valid efforts in life. I'm not even gonna let you do that. Because at once upon a time, you were a new year new me person. So I'm not even gonna let you sit up here and shit on these people. No, I'm just gonna be. Yes, you were.

SPEAKER_00:

The gym had just opened, so everybody there was new.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay. No, no. Wager. No, you were a new year, new me person. Okay, you were a new me, new year person before. Everybody gotta start from somewhere. And I'm happy that they hold no.

SPEAKER_00:

I want to say I I commend your efforts. That's not what you were trying to say. I I really do. But I just need you to attend the gym during your times that you're not there, right?

SPEAKER_02:

That's it. You're not asking for much. Just get out of my way. So just get there by 11.

unknown:

11.

SPEAKER_00:

That should give me more factors. Just get there at one. So I ain't, we ain't gotta cross paths.

SPEAKER_02:

Just in case I talk a little bit too much and I start and I like, you know, roll over a little bit.

SPEAKER_00:

And to the young lady that challenged me to a push-up contest yesterday, uh, I had a whole wife, and I was then informed.

SPEAKER_03:

Why?

SPEAKER_00:

I was then informed. I was then informed by all of my wife's friends in the gym because I was in the gym myself because the kid was out of school. I was informed by all her friends that she that they all did, in fact, see the interaction and was looking at the city.

SPEAKER_02:

And they were gonna wait to tell me.

SPEAKER_00:

I said, snitches everywhere.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. I said, they they I mean you can't do it at that gym. Maybe if you go to a different gym.

SPEAKER_00:

They just as bad as these people walking around with these meta glasses working for the FBI.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, you don't know. If you in there pumping iron with glasses on, I don't trust you.

SPEAKER_00:

Not at all.

SPEAKER_02:

Working out with glasses on, and now and you don't have that little uh tie thing around you. I don't trust you. Don't trust you. I don't trust you. I think that's so crazy. You know, I was thinking about that. It's funny because I was thinking about that at competition, and I was looking at all the little girls like competing with their glasses on, and I was like, they don't even have the little ties behind their glasses. And I all I kept thinking was it's like one hard backflip and your glasses are coming off.

SPEAKER_04:

It's a wrap.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

I was like, what if they what if you're sweating and they start to slip and you can't like do the little you know, push up the nose thing? Um but yeah, so I just want to say all the new year, new me people, y'all keep doing y'all thing, okay? Don't don't don't listen to people like him who trying to discourage y'all.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm not trying to discourage you, I want to discuss it.

SPEAKER_02:

Because you being an inconvenience to him. I want you to get them games because he talked to you. You didn't talk to him. He talked it to you. That little that little girl. I was like, I was lost. No, look, when she was talking about um how the boy told her that she had to be his girlfriend, and she was, and the mom was like, What are you talking about? She was like, he talked it to me. I didn't talk it to him.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, well, you better keep his glass over there.

SPEAKER_02:

And he asked me to be his girlfriend. And then what you say? I said yeah, because if I didn't say yeah, he was gonna beat me up.

SPEAKER_00:

Wow. Crazy work.

SPEAKER_02:

I said yeah, because if I didn't say yeah, he was gonna beat me up.

SPEAKER_00:

Crazy work.

SPEAKER_02:

But how was your week, other than that?

SPEAKER_00:

Just tired.

SPEAKER_02:

Motherfucking tired. What was the highlight of your week? Because I know what you're doing. I mean, my well, with you, I gotta like dig it out.

SPEAKER_00:

Like honestly, the highlight of my week was seeing my baby get her spot off.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes, I'm gonna, I'm going. Okay. Proud parent moments, proud parent moments.

SPEAKER_00:

And then the way her face lit up after.

SPEAKER_02:

She was she was so excited. Okay. So, so baby girl, like um, she has been practicing her spot on.

SPEAKER_00:

She wants y'all to she want us to tell y'all to y'all better go follow her.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, she did. I was gonna tell them at the end. But she said, um in warm-up, so you know, they they have modified routines. If you can't achieve a skill, then they have unmodified routines. And so during warmup, if you're able to hit the skill in warm-up, then coach will allow them to compete it. And so uh the last two competitions, even though she had an unmodified routine, she wasn't getting her squat on in the warmup. So every time Coach was like, Okay, then the uneven bar. Yeah, on the uneven bar. So coach was like, well, then you can't compete it because if you can't do it in warm-up on the day of, then chances are you're not gonna be able to do it when you get in front of judges. So on uh Sunday, she was warming up and she did uh the squat on. And then I guess she she had told you first because you were watching warmups, and then he told me, and I was like, What? And she looked at me after I looked at him and she was like, I'm gonna compete my squat on. And I was like, What? He and you told me she's gonna compete her squat on. And when I tell you, I told her like the next morning when we were talking, I said, your daddy and I are so proud of you, but I will tell you, mommy was holding her breath. Right. I said, I was so, I was so nervous for you. And she was like, Mom, I just kept telling myself, don't lean back, don't lean back, don't lean back. All right. She said, Mommy, I kept saying, don't lean back. And it's like, I told her, I was like, I didn't care how the whole routine looked. I just wanted her to nail that squat on. I was like, just don't, like, just don't fall backwards. And when she nailed it, I was like, I said, it doesn't even matter. It doesn't matter what the score is because she nailed her squat on. And then when I saw her score come up, I said, okay. We both were like, fucking clocky. And I told her, I said, Dave, I said, do you realize that's the highest you've ever scored on bars? And she was like, What did I score? And I was like, You scored an 8.95. You almost scored a nine, girl. Almost. And I believe if you would, if your pull-up pullover was a little tighter, you would have had that nine. You would have had that nine.

SPEAKER_00:

Because keep the leg together on that, on that swing.

SPEAKER_02:

I was like, you would have had it. I said, but you did. I said, you did so good. And she was so excited. She was like, I got an 8.95.

SPEAKER_00:

I thought when she does, when she does her pullover, she uses all her momentum. All her body, yeah. Because she doesn't because she does a kick pullover. That means I gotta, I need to have her in the gym do some pull-ups. Okay, bye.

SPEAKER_02:

So I was just, I was, yeah, I'm gonna agree with you on that. That was the highlight of my week, too. I was, I was literally, I can't even, I can't even express it as much as I want to, but in my heart was so full that did watching it.

SPEAKER_00:

Because after she did it, I said, I see some fun in your future tonight. I see some you're going out tonight to the tape.

SPEAKER_02:

She was so excited. I was so excited for her. And then uh me and the other parents, so when it came time for beam, uh, me and the moms, we were like standing up, it was like six of us, right? And it was another girl competing. And she um she did her handstand, and when she came down, she only had like one leg on the beam because she was about to fall. And on Q, all of us said, and then she got it together, and we were like, Who you don't realize it, but you're holding your breath.

SPEAKER_00:

You legit be rooted for him because like the one girl that fell.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, yeah, and then you just feel so bad.

SPEAKER_00:

Because she was mad.

SPEAKER_02:

Did you see how she walked off?

SPEAKER_00:

Like she she did her salute and she stormed off. She stormed off, she was done. She was cussing herself out.

SPEAKER_02:

She was cussing herself out. She was-I'm telling you. When she sat down, I thought she was gonna put a hole in the floor. I said, That baby is upset. But that was just like how her teammate was when she fell, when she had fell, and you could tell it just it just ruined the whole day for her. And then when she got to the floor, um, you know, like when they tried to like smile for the judges and stuff, she was stone faced the whole time. She was just like, because I think she knew after she saw her score that she wasn't gonna get her 36. But it's good. And I was like, You got you got one more competition, baby. You just need you get one more competition. So in case y'all didn't know, they have to score an all-around score of 36 at two different meets in order for them to qualify to move to the next level. So that's like every girl's like mission when they go into competition. They need to score a 36 all the ground. And it's yeah, and it's not that many chances to do it, but you have to do it twice. And it can't, you can't do it at the state competition. So we have one more meet left, and then after that we have state. But if she was to score a 36 at state, it wouldn't even matter because they don't count the state, the state score.

SPEAKER_00:

Um, but yeah, so that was that was I like my week. And then, you know, I mean, my therapist says I look like a zombie.

SPEAKER_02:

You looked like a zombie because I was so tired. You don't look like a zombie to me.

SPEAKER_00:

No, that day I was tired.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, that day.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I was tired.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, baby.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

You said tired and it triggered a yawn.

SPEAKER_00:

Did it? Speaking of yawns.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, I can't wait to hear this segue. Speaking of yawns.

SPEAKER_00:

I had nothing. Today, what were we talking about?

SPEAKER_02:

What the hell? What was that?

SPEAKER_00:

What are we talking about, Lucy?

SPEAKER_02:

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00:

What do you got today, Luiskey?

SPEAKER_02:

Uh, is it you or the problem?

SPEAKER_00:

Um, it's probably me. I probably am the problem.

SPEAKER_02:

Because what happens if you're a two and one? Right. What if the problem is your partner? Right. That's crazy. I sometimes I live my truth. Oh, really? Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

I see how you wanna be. I see how I am. I'm not your friend today. It's okay. You'll be my friend tomorrow. I don't want to be your friend the rest of the week.

SPEAKER_00:

It doesn't matter. So long as you're my friend in about six hours.

SPEAKER_02:

I'm not. You know whose friend I'm gonna be? In your pillow. Sandman's. Okay. Mr.

SPEAKER_00:

Sandman.

SPEAKER_02:

Mr. Sandman. That's who me and Mr. Sandman finna go like that. Um, so yeah, is it um it's you versus the problem?

SPEAKER_00:

It says that the real if if what if the real issue in your marriage isn't money?

SPEAKER_02:

Or communication or intimacy.

SPEAKER_00:

But what if in fact that you're fighting each other instead of fighting the problem? Which is crazy because most of the time she is the problem.

SPEAKER_02:

Whatever. When I am, I I fess up to it.

SPEAKER_00:

Um, me too. You good at that. No, you don't. Okay, calm down. Not too much on me. Okay. Um, I have my sister pull up.

SPEAKER_02:

And do what? They're gonna be on my side. Y'all gonna go shop. So I'm not sure what that was gonna do for you. Um, anyway, so we're gonna be talking about the most powerful mindset shift in relationships, okay? Separating your partner from the problem.

SPEAKER_00:

Right. So, what does that mean?

SPEAKER_02:

So that means looking objectively, right? So, kind of like looking outside ourselves, not like trying to point fingers, not trying to play the blame game. Um, what does that look like for you? Wow. Wow. Not trying to make each not trying to make each other the enemy. Right. Because I feel like that's that's really easy to do, especially when you're upset when y'all are not on the same page. Right. Um, so yeah, basically like trying to attack maybe like the behavior of the situation and not the character of your partner.

SPEAKER_00:

Um and I I feel like a lot of times, you know, this is only an issue because your egos get involved, people get defensive, um, you know, parts of past arguments and disagreements come back, and now you're feeling old emotions again on top of new emotions, and now you're feeling the attack. So now instead of trying to uh resolve it, now I got a counterattack. Let me tell you about your but you know what?

SPEAKER_02:

It's like, okay, think about it. When you're in when you're in a disagreement, right?

SPEAKER_00:

Hold on. Can you not say you know, because when you like that, that's a trigger for me.

SPEAKER_02:

What are you talking about?

SPEAKER_00:

When you say, 'Cause you know what? Because when you say that, like you look cute when you say it.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, bye, Maurice. Um, excuse me. When you're in a disagreement, uh-huh, and it's like y'all not on the same page, like for us, for instance, there I I for me, I feel like I can definitely identify like what the issue is that we're arguing over, but sometimes you're you're it doesn't because it's your response that I start getting that I start getting hooked on, and then and then I just feel like I just turn it on you. So is that is that just losing sight of what the issue is? Like I said. Because in my mind, you start to become the issue.

SPEAKER_00:

Because that's just like I said, that's just like what I said last week. Sometimes I said what I said, because I it had to be said. Whatever. And we're gonna look, it was it's been said now, we can deal with it. How you want, you want to wanna think about it, you want to talk about it, you want to let it rest. Mm-hmm. You know? Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, okay, so I found these to be interesting when they try to give you um uh like cues to help you how to rephrase something. Okay, right? Because, you know, I'm good for a good reframe in the in the words of uh Kiki Palmer. Okay, okay. New perspective, reframe. Um, so things like instead of saying like you're irresponsible with money, right? You can change that to we need a better system for managing our finances.

SPEAKER_00:

Is that is that right? We need a better system for for for our finances.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, is that you telling me that? That's you trying to say that? Yep. Okay. Well, I mean, I'm I'm just saying, if you were to say that to me, that for me would make me feel like, okay, like I could be a team player. Like, what would you like to discuss? I'm not sure how I play a part in it, okay. But let me, I would love to hear you out.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, let me guess that's not your business.

SPEAKER_02:

I would love to hear you out.

SPEAKER_00:

That's not your business.

SPEAKER_02:

Let me hear what you got to say.

SPEAKER_00:

It it is it's baffling to me. It's not baffling, but it's always funny to me when I go, hey babe, we have this much. You be like, whoa.

SPEAKER_02:

This is crazy. Because I ain't spent no money, so I don't know.

SPEAKER_00:

And every time you every time you say I ain't spent no money, you've been spending money.

SPEAKER_02:

I don't know what you're talking about.

SPEAKER_00:

Yo, Apple, your your um, your uh face ID has been active.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, because I because you know why? I think because when I feel as though go ahead. Don't spend a shit. Don't try to correct. I feel as though, uh, I feel like we're going off on a tangent. But I feel as though when I spend, I am also intentional about like trying to get a savings with it. So it's not you're like, yeah, you spend it.

SPEAKER_00:

Babe, I just I you know, it was only like for instance, I own so so this for instance, this is you. I I got it for only$10. It was$15, but I got it for$10. But you apply that to the whatever the dollar amount is. Okay, babe, it was only$15,000, but it was originally$20,000 so I got a good deal. Okay, you applied it to like everything.

SPEAKER_02:

So, like when I went and bought clothes and shoes for her, right? I was now you can't tell me I didn't do my damn thing. Okay, hold on. I got the baby five, listen to you, listen to you, y'all. I got that baby five pairs of shoes, two pairs of pants, uh-huh, uh, and three tops, okay, and a pack of undies for 60 bucks.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, and I didn't that is great. And I didn't mind that because my baby needs clothes.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. But what I'm saying is, is I was intentional when I was picking up each item. Because I was like, I'm not trying to like spend a hundred or two hundred dollars up in here, especially when everything is like on sale.

SPEAKER_00:

But what you failed to tell the people is that you were just supposed to take her to practice.

SPEAKER_02:

I did though. I did that too. I did that too.

SPEAKER_00:

But you made a detour because you felt like shopping.

SPEAKER_02:

Listen, listen. Okay. It don't really count if it's for her. Okay. Because that's your child. All right. And we have to take care of her, right? Okay. That's what I'm saying. Okay. Um, let's see. Uh, another one that I had liked was instead of saying you never listen, I feel like that's a popular phrase amongst us.

SPEAKER_00:

You never listen.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

You tell me all the time. You don't never listen to me.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, I'm not gonna say that no more.

SPEAKER_00:

Lies.

SPEAKER_02:

I'm not gonna say that. Instead, I'm gonna come to you and I'm gonna say I'm gonna say, we're struggling with communication lately. Let's fix it.

SPEAKER_00:

Why you just can't say my name.

SPEAKER_02:

Say my name. But doesn't that feel better to you instead of me like yelling and saying, like, you don't you don't listen? No? That doesn't feel better to you? It should feel better. It should feel better to you in here. I mean it feels more approachable. Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

But I know behind it.

SPEAKER_02:

But I'm gonna be calm when I say it.

SPEAKER_00:

Uh-uh.

SPEAKER_02:

I'm gonna rub your back and your shoulder like this, and I'm gonna say, it seems like we have been struggling in our communication.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay.

SPEAKER_02:

We should fix it. Okay. And then we could sit down and proceed.

SPEAKER_00:

And I'm gonna say, how do you suggest we fix it?

SPEAKER_02:

It's really easy. Uh-huh. You wanna hear it?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, tell me.

SPEAKER_02:

You don't respond.

SPEAKER_00:

I don't respond. I don't respond. I just okay. So we're about so we right, so we right back up top with it. Just listen. Okay.

SPEAKER_02:

You gotta stop talking and open your ears for you to understand.

SPEAKER_00:

Here is a way to focus on the problem and not make your partner problem.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, but first, before you get into that, because I think it's really intro uh really important. Wait a minute. Um, first, why do you think, us included, why do you think a lot of couples struggle with this aspect with this aspect? I've already said that.

SPEAKER_00:

Aside from ego and stuff, I feel like uh uh past energies, you know, people feeling attacked, um, unresolved things because you just you get to the point to where like you we we can no longer communicate because now we're now we just are as it's now we're just tit for tat.

SPEAKER_02:

And now it's just a tablet.

SPEAKER_00:

In the words of Jamie, are you we just argue okay?

SPEAKER_02:

The defensiveness, right? People get defensive, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I can agree with that.

SPEAKER_02:

I don't get defensive. You see what I did there? Oh okay. So what what are come on? We're gonna make this quick for the people.

SPEAKER_00:

You know, I feel like to help, you know, couples and married folks and those who bother with other people. Um really okay, I feel like your friends always lead with lead with um solutions and not allegations. And I think this is important because we if you remove shit, not allegations. If you remove allegations, they don't feel threatened. They don't feel like you're blaming them.

SPEAKER_02:

Like you're just trying to put the problem on them. Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

So now I can say, look here, babe. You know, I think it'd be wise if, you know, we only spend so much per week at Old Navy. Instead of you swinging by old navy three times a week every time you take her to practice. See, that sounds better than me saying, babe, stop going to Old Navy because you're spending too much goddamn money.

SPEAKER_02:

I mean, I feel like I felt it all the same.

SPEAKER_00:

You felt it the same?

SPEAKER_02:

I feel for me, for me personally, it kind of just felt the same.

SPEAKER_00:

Both kind of felt like an attack. All right.

SPEAKER_02:

So maybe you can try a different approach.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, no, that's it.

SPEAKER_02:

Maybe I think you can come up with something a little softer.

SPEAKER_00:

No, I mean, my solution is this.

SPEAKER_02:

I I'm like, like, babe, like this would this would be a good one.

SPEAKER_00:

No, no, no, this is my I'm I'm I'll give you the same solution, babe. This is your budget for old Navy.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, I like that.

SPEAKER_00:

Right? I like that. And when you go over this, I'm talking to you. I like that. Okay, now if you want to raise, you know what you gotta do. Okay, bye. Do something strain. Bye. Do something strain. Goodbye.

SPEAKER_02:

Because then there would be like a separate one, like one for your daughter, one for total.

SPEAKER_00:

Total.

SPEAKER_02:

One for her, one for me.

SPEAKER_00:

Total. Total. Uh the budget is the budget.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, what about like personalizing emotional reactions?

SPEAKER_00:

You should do that. I don't think you should do that.

unknown:

Why are you saying like that?

SPEAKER_00:

I don't think you should do that.

SPEAKER_01:

Why not?

SPEAKER_00:

Because you shouldn't make it personal.

SPEAKER_02:

Because again, if we're fighting the problem, I know, but in the heat of the moment, no one's thinking about that.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I understand that. I'm not saying this is easy to do.

SPEAKER_02:

That's why that's why I thought it was important to talk about, because I feel like like these are things that we lose sight of sometimes too, okay, during our arguments, and then it's only post-argument where we start thinking about like, okay, babe, like I was wrong for that, and we're not supposed to be fighting each other. We're supposed to be fighting the person.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, here's the thing. I don't think I don't think you should personalize it because again, I can't make what you're saying about me be completely about me. Granted, I'm I'm part of the problem that you're having because you're talking to me in that moment about the problem. So I'm a part of the problem. Yeah. But sometimes it may be, it's not necessarily really a problem. You just want to feel like I'm hearing you on what you're saying. You just want me to communicate that I hear you and see you, and I understand your emotion that you're giving towards me and how how whatever said thing makes you feel.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. But I need you to I need you to internalize it to feel it from my perspective.

SPEAKER_00:

Right. You want the validation part. Yeah. Like, yeah, that ain't gonna happen. I'm just playing.

SPEAKER_02:

I can't. Um, another another thing to to help with why are you rubbing my shoulder? Trying to trying to ease you into it. Okay into what? You know what? Okay, bye. Um, don't weaponize vulnerability vulnerabilities.

SPEAKER_00:

Don't do that. Because I that's I feel like because if you keep doing that, I ain't gonna be vulnerable.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, we've talked about that multiple times.

SPEAKER_00:

Because you and the biggest.

SPEAKER_02:

But that goes, but that but that goes both ways. I never said it don't. Yeah. This is just in general, everything in relationship goes both ways. It's just in general. Um, avoiding public disrespect.

SPEAKER_00:

That's crazy because the way you talk to people the other day was crazy.

SPEAKER_02:

When you are having a tiff and then you go out in public.

SPEAKER_00:

What about a taff?

SPEAKER_02:

Bye. When you go out in public or you're around friends and stuff, and y'all not like on good terms, you know? It's perfect example. Okay. That just made me think about it. Because remember when our gym daughter had asked us, she said, uh, do you ever do you guys ever get into arguments before you record?

SPEAKER_01:

We said all the time.

SPEAKER_02:

All the time. She was like, she was like, because every time I see you guys, you're like always happy and stuff. And I was like, yeah, I mean, that part's genuine. Like once we start talking and stuff, because the pod allows us time to like reconnect, talk about like shoot the shit, basically shoot the shit. But before that, we could have just been arguing about my old navy purchase.

SPEAKER_00:

Or we could have just been arguing about like this is your seventh trip to Simply Blended in three days.

SPEAKER_02:

First of all, I haven't been to specifically like that. That was two years ago, but you've been you've gotten better at that. No, no, no.

SPEAKER_00:

That was a two-month problem.

SPEAKER_02:

Now you're gonna go today. But now that you said that, I know I'm gonna stop by Crack Boba. See, and I'm gonna pick me up at Crack Boba. So now that thank you for reminding me. Oh my god. Um, no, but like I like I tell her, like, of course we have disagreements like before we record or before we go out into public. Like, even coming into the gym, you know, she was like, every time you guys come in here, you're always so ubeat and like you guys are getting along and stuff. And I was like, but you don't know that we literally just had a whole life discussion on the way to the damn gym. But also when we get in the gym, this is an environment where we both can like relax, we can take out our stresses, and then slowly but surely right, and then slowly but surely we start to forget about what it is we were even arguing about anyway, you know? I mean, you don't forget about it, but it's like it's it's less than what it was. The emotion behind it is less than what it was because we were able to get past it. So I think that's really important, not like, you know, avoiding public disrespect because I wouldn't walk in there and be like, yeah, you're still a piece of shit. You know, and then people would be like, oh my gosh, like that was really disrespectful because you said you said that in front of me about your husband. That's crazy. I would never say that in front of people. I am disheared. I wouldn't say that to you. Um my head hurts. No, I said in my head. Bye. Shut up. I never said that about you, by the way.

SPEAKER_00:

It's also important to not match emotional intensity. Someone has to remain calm.

SPEAKER_02:

And that's exactly what I try to do because I know, guys, this has been the last episode. Because I know she will turn up. Okay, Campicorn. It's so difficult for you to do sometimes. So I really do my best. Man, you the dance? I really do my best to try to like, you know, like manage the emotional vibe the uh intensity during these disagreements. I do my best.

SPEAKER_00:

Now I think I do a good job of this. I do, I think I do a good job of asking you to help me understand exactly what you mean. Because some people asking, yes. Yes, I asked that. Okay, you know what? See, here we go. Here we go.

SPEAKER_02:

You do. You're great at asking. It's the understanding part.

SPEAKER_00:

Lord, I know I asked for a wife. I asked for a rib.

SPEAKER_02:

I'm just saying, what?

SPEAKER_00:

I think you gave me the wrong rib.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, whatever. Whatever. Don't make me laugh.

SPEAKER_00:

You know I like beef ribs.

SPEAKER_02:

I think you handed me a pork one. My fat. What'd you say?

SPEAKER_00:

I said, Laura, you know I like beef ribs, and you handed me a pork.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, but I I do. I try to understand, I try to understand you and what and what and what hurt you about the situation. Because I I I do, I can, I can have nothing, I don't have an example off the top of my head, but I do understand that sometimes is that it's not really an issue or a problem, is that we just don't have an understanding that that we each other need about what's happening. Like we we might have the same plan, it's just uh the the process of going about the plan may be a little different, and we just aren't understanding each other.

SPEAKER_02:

And then a lot of the times I feel what we discover is that we're quite literally saying the same thing, just in different ways. Okay. And the way you explain it, my ears don't understand it. And the way I explain it, your ears just are closed. I can't help it that I'm a mango and you a plum.

SPEAKER_01:

No, you're a plum.

SPEAKER_02:

I'm a mango.

SPEAKER_01:

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm the mango.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

You're the plum.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. Whatever.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, but yeah, I think the way that you're hearing me, like there's just some mumble jumble, and the way I hear you, there's some mumble jumble. But then when we relax, when we kind of separate for a little bit. Yes. And then we come back together, and then we say it calmly, like, babe, all I was trying to express was A, B, and C. Then in a more calm state, I can be like, oh, okay. That part I get.

SPEAKER_00:

But earlier today, when you thought you was like, when I trying to lay down the hammer. Look here, I said what I said.

SPEAKER_02:

Trying to lay down the hammer?

SPEAKER_00:

I said what I said.

SPEAKER_02:

I can't hear you when you're trying to lay down the hammer. Because I'm not your child. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00:

You're a child of God. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

And you ain't God.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm not. Okay. Still a child.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay. Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

I miss my granny.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, giving you time to process. That's important. It helps.

SPEAKER_00:

Lord, because I when I see that, I'll be like, let her go. She needs some lawn order, some some uh some in the heat of the night.

SPEAKER_02:

You're that way sometimes. Other times you try to double down to think you're gonna be the one to pull me out of the upset or the anger, and then I just be like, Sometimes I do. Hey, sometimes I do, like literally, dude, one more word, I can't do it.

SPEAKER_00:

I come like bad. You want some wing stock?

SPEAKER_02:

That's different.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, see? That's different.

SPEAKER_02:

I can always go for wings. Uh it's not difficult, uh, but that's cheating.

SPEAKER_01:

I don't want to speak to your heart. That's cheating. Oh, that's cheating. It can always go for wings.

SPEAKER_00:

All right. I feel like you have to also own your part of the conditions. Again, I always preach about I preach constantly about accountability. And accountability, the internet would have you thinking accountability looks one way, one accountability looks several different ways. And like I always say, whether you are part of the problem or you cause the problem or you in the problem, you are accountable for some part of the situation. So you have to own your part of whatever's going on. So you you have to take uh you have to take your accountability for your part and then understand, and then take that understanding to say, hey, I may have said this wrong or a phrase this wrong, or I may have been a little aggressive in my tone.

SPEAKER_01:

You are right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

I don't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't go that far, fellas. Don't ever tell them they're right. Don't don't do that. Don't do that. Because they already they they were born feeling that way. So it was weird to tell them.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

You know, but you know, just say, I'm I'm sorry, I see I messed up. How can I now what now going forward? What can I do to prevent this from happening again? Because a key part about taking accountability is trying to prevent the same events from happening.

SPEAKER_02:

And then what happens if they continue to happen over and over again?

SPEAKER_00:

Look here, wrong wouldn't wrong wasn't building today.

SPEAKER_02:

How long did it take to build it?

SPEAKER_00:

I don't know. You know, we gotta do it. I mean, uh only way you can fix it right away is if you purify yourself on Lake Minneton. I've told y'all all february long. Y'all may I get used to it. Shout out to Prince.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, let's see. Um, this is a good one.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, what is it?

SPEAKER_02:

Learn to replace sarcasm with direct communication.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm out.

SPEAKER_02:

Sometimes I'm you know, you know, you know how I sarcasm can feel like an attack.

SPEAKER_00:

Is it? I doubt it.

SPEAKER_02:

Not when I use it.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay.

SPEAKER_02:

Not the way I set up my sarcasm. But I feel like I feel like my sarcasm's educational.

SPEAKER_00:

But I feel like with that, that it also comes with knowing your partner.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Like you know that sometimes you can get away with some stuff. I'll I'll try to like sneak a little joke in there to make you smile to kind of ease the tension type things.

SPEAKER_02:

That just kind of pisses me off. I'm finding a new way to piss you off. Oh okay. But yeah, so sarcasm, I mean, in all seriousness, uh, I feel like I feel like we're just in a like a giggly state, or at least me. Um you'll be giggling later. Sleep. Um, yes, the sarcasm sarcasm replace that with direct communication because all of the I I like to call it side commentary. That's what I call it. Side commentary, because I know I can be good for a side comment instead of directly stating um what I mean or what I want to say. Like, you know, when I walk into the kitchen and, you know, there's only three people that live in this house and there was no dishes in the sink. And I walk into the kitchen, and then now all of a sudden there's three dishes in the sink, and there's only one other person in the house with me at the time. And instead of me saying, Hey, babe, do you mind washing your dishes? I like side commentary and be like, I guess I was the only person that saw that there was an empty sink. So somebody had to fill it, you know, like little comments like that.

SPEAKER_00:

I saw it was empty, and I wanted to give you something to do. Okay. Now, see?

SPEAKER_02:

Now in this, in this, this is what I mean, people. Okay, this is what I mean. He be trying to find new ways to piss me the hell off. New ways every day. He lives for it. He lives for it. Um, let me see. Another one would be speak to the future. Okay, not just the frustration.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, what do you think about that?

SPEAKER_00:

I think the next time we record, I'll try to do a better job of not taking so many jabs at you.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. Really? What do you mean? Huh? What do you mean?

SPEAKER_02:

Say hung again. Pinja. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Um, no, but I mean, yeah. I think it's you gotta, because I think I think speaking to the future led is subconsciously let you know that I'm not going nowhere.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So we got we gotta figure this out. Yeah, and and for next time, for next time.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, we say for next time, I'm gonna try to do better. I'm gonna try to do something a little different. I see that you didn't like my response in this way. I see that me, me communicating with you in this way is not as effective as I hoped it would be. My bad. My bad. Going forward, just like an email, like we would put in the email. Going forward.

SPEAKER_00:

Going forward. I'm a CC.

SPEAKER_02:

Going forward.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm a CC every girl that I'm CC around town.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, okay. So lame. Yeah, but like you say.

SPEAKER_00:

But conflict in general feels safer when there's security at present. So if we're well, if we're arguing, you know that I'm not going nowhere.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And you know that I'm that we're already going back and forth because we both passionately care about the state of our relationship and our marriage.

SPEAKER_02:

Because otherwise, I wouldn't go back and forth. Say it again for the people in the back. This is the this is what I wouldn't sit here and go back and forth. I would just let you argue with yourself and be like, okay, well, when you finally get tired of doing that.

SPEAKER_00:

Let me see you go back.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. Fourth. All right, Danielle. I'm not doing this with you today. Or do you want to rock the boat? No, I don't. Work the middle? I don't.

SPEAKER_02:

I'm halfway through my steps today.

SPEAKER_00:

Halfway?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

I still gotta wait. I was gonna say step in the name of love.

unknown:

Damn.

SPEAKER_02:

God damn it. No.

SPEAKER_00:

Robert.

SPEAKER_02:

Not on here. God damn it. Not on here, you won't.

SPEAKER_00:

God damn. Robert messing up everybody.

SPEAKER_02:

God damn, Robert. Uh come on, let's give him two more steps. Don't you say it. Don't you say it.

SPEAKER_00:

To the left. Okay. Break it down now. Okay, that's fine. One hop this time. One hop this time. Right for two stumps. Okay. Hands what you need. No, stop. Stop.

SPEAKER_02:

Black folks love line dancing. Black folks love to dance. In general. We're gonna try to do that. We love a meeting.

SPEAKER_00:

We're gonna get down.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Get down. Wow. I went James Brown. You went the other direction.

SPEAKER_02:

I went the clips.

SPEAKER_00:

You really did. Wow. That's the intro. That's not even a song. But I know what I'm talking about.

SPEAKER_02:

That's what came to my mind.

SPEAKER_00:

You should always avoid bringing up old wins or sacrifices.

SPEAKER_02:

I mean, but if you if you want to speak to successes. Okay, what do you mean by that?

SPEAKER_00:

Give me a what do you mean by that? Like it does, it does it, it serves me no purpose to say I was right last time. Because we're not dealing with last time. Okay, go ahead. I'm done.

SPEAKER_02:

No, go ahead. I'm saying that's true.

SPEAKER_00:

It serves no purpose. And it's like, and part of that, whether even even if you're still true right in that moment, you you I feel like when you say stuff like that, you're still invalidating what they're feeling. Because it's not that, again, a lot of times is that it's not that you don't that we think each other is wrong. We're just not communicating properly enough, but we're understanding what each other is saying. Okay. You know, because a lot of times, especially in in the daily hustle and bustle of life, the the the the reactions, the the um the responses are quick because we're on the fly. Right. We're moving. Right. So it's not like it's not like you asked me a question and I have time to sit here and ponder and think about it.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And the same thing. And sometimes, I mean, I'm human, you're human. We may not have heard correctly what was asked or what was seen. Or your brain is moving faster. Well, at the time you thought I pushed you and you tried to kill me.

SPEAKER_01:

You did push me.

SPEAKER_00:

I did not.

SPEAKER_01:

It felt like it.

SPEAKER_02:

Wow. It felt like it.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay.

SPEAKER_02:

It really did. I went into the closet, the hangar. So that means there was some force.

SPEAKER_00:

I did not okay. I've never put my hands on you, woman.

SPEAKER_02:

Felt kind of felt like that. I mean, in a way you wouldn't except for that time when you pushed me.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay. All right. All right, I'm done. I'm done.

SPEAKER_01:

Except for that one time when you push it.

SPEAKER_00:

So I mean, just always ask yourself, ask each other whether or not are you fighting each other or are you fighting the issue?

SPEAKER_02:

That's I can tell you right now. Most people are fighting each other.

SPEAKER_00:

Right.

SPEAKER_02:

I can tell I can tell you that right now. I could also speak from personal experience. They y'all are definitely fighting each other, but there's you don't get anywhere. That's how you continue. To get into the loop. That's why the same conversations keep coming up. That's why the same topics that you keep arguing over keep coming up because you're not really resolving the issue. You're too busy trying to play the I'm right game.

SPEAKER_04:

Right.

SPEAKER_02:

That's that's what I've learned. Like every single time something like that happens, and then like I said earlier, when we take our breaks and we go to our separate corners, and then we come back and we discuss it and talk it out like mature adults. That's the one thing I start to realize, you know? It's like you're so busy trying to be right, you know, and you're so busy trying to keep tally, and you're so busy trying to be like, like, look at all the points I just made. Your points can't, they don't measure up to my points because my logic is undeniable. Right. And if love And that can be true. However, do you want to be right?

SPEAKER_00:

I don't want to be right.

SPEAKER_02:

Do you want to be right or do you want to stay married? If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right. I don't know about all that.

unknown:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

Joking.

SPEAKER_02:

But if being right, okay. I'm okay. I'm gonna go ahead and cut this short if you keep breaking out into musicals.

SPEAKER_00:

Also try to focus on saying the we instead of you.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, if that's not a work email, because I can't tell you how many times, yeah. Like you fucking up as a manager, but we are gonna do our best as a district to ensure the success of every location.

SPEAKER_00:

That's what I tell you all the time because you are the manager of the house. So when the inside is selling, I had to say no.

SPEAKER_02:

We okay we have noticed some changes within your location. We need you to address these. Immediately and uh uh let you know that we are we are here to assist in whatever capacity you may need to be successful in your role. Can y'all tell I used to write those types of emails?

SPEAKER_03:

All the time.

SPEAKER_02:

Whatever, whatever it is you need, whatever type of support you need to be successful in your role, please do not hesitate to reach out.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, but gosh, you have to understand that at the end of the day, the real problem, or the real problem most likely is miscommunication, usually 9.5 I stress, yep, from a man's point of view, or sometimes a lady as well, financial pressures, yeah, unmet needs, all the time, trauma, it's always in there, and ego.

SPEAKER_02:

Ego. And when it comes to this one right here, the ego badass, the ego, like ego, communication, and finances. That's what I would say. Those are the top three, those are the like the major stressors.

SPEAKER_00:

It's crazy coming from somebody who ego lifts.

SPEAKER_02:

I don't ego lift.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm just playing calm down.

SPEAKER_02:

I was gonna say because I go ahead and say it.

SPEAKER_00:

Go ahead and say it. Go ahead and write your email. We we need to what?

SPEAKER_02:

We need to what? We're reaching out to you. Okay. About what? Because we have noticed a uh steady decline in your lifting numbers, and we just wanted to reassure you that help is available. Help is available in your big three lists, your squat, your deadlift, and your bench. We are here to assist in any way that we can.

SPEAKER_00:

So I sent this uh okay. So you know the part of uh uh of um Infinity War, not Infinity War, of Endgame, uh Charlie Gives uh Um Winter Soldier, the armor. And so it was that video I sent it to Joseph, our trainer, and it was like um uh me ordering that new arm from Rohana so I can finally uh bench for all pie. I said I'm gonna go ahead and order a uh a left shoulder and a right knee.

SPEAKER_02:

Go ahead. Go ahead. You do that. And when you do that, you order me a left knee. And a right shoulder. And a left shoulder. You go ahead and do that for me, okay? And maybe a right quad and a left glute.

SPEAKER_00:

So if y'all see me in Germany, I'm I'm over there getting that shot.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, it's supposed to regrow muscle, isn't it? I'm over there getting that shot.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. I'm not doing anything like that.

SPEAKER_02:

Because I the image that I have in my head of what like it probably looks like in a lab. I'm not doing that. You trust A C D C more than your FDA. I'm not trusting here. No, I'll pass. Um yeah, I'll pass. All right, guys. Let's go ahead and move on into the comment of the week. Comment of the week comes from Miss Uh TG9176.

SPEAKER_00:

This is my segment.

SPEAKER_02:

I know, I was just reading Who It Came From. Wow. Wow, trying to be a helpful partner won't happen again.

SPEAKER_00:

Thank you. Um, this young lady, see, I we just talked about this. We literally just talked about this.

SPEAKER_02:

What? Me being helpful and you being an asshole. Okay. Bye.

SPEAKER_00:

All right, people. The call of the week comes from, as my wife just there with her beautiful voice, Miss TG9176. And this is from YouTube. Um, and this is in regards to the story last week about the ED. Oh, how they were celibate or the engagement, and she's thinking about cheating on her husband. Should she go out there and get us something on the side?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And I still say yes. Um, but this beautiful soul says, as my elder auntie told me, when those hips stop shifting, then them lips better get to licking.

SPEAKER_02:

Good luck. And she was in her 60s. I cannot.

SPEAKER_00:

She said, if there's a will, there's a way, there's a way. And you know, and she wasn't only with a lot of people in the comments all over uh above on all the platforms saying, like, what's wrong with this tongue?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, and well, what's wrong with anything? Yeah, are we we were talking about it with our other married friends, and literally my friend's husband was like, he was like, if I couldn't like satisfy my wife in that way, he's like, There's literally, I can't think of anything that I wouldn't do or try. Besides, yeah, to ensure that she was satisfied. He was like, I just think that cheating is just not it's not the answer because there's so many different other ways.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, but in this situation, she got trapped. So I think she deserves a little.

SPEAKER_02:

Because he lied. She he started he started off with a lie. I feel like she deserves a little. No. Bye. Goodbye. You know what I mean? Just start off with a lie. Don't start with a lie. You just got one this week? That's it. All right. So let's go ahead and hop on into our two six. Are we doing an update first? Um, oh yeah, we do have an update. I completely forgot.

SPEAKER_00:

This is an update regarding the emotional detached wife.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

And uh her and Andrew, and they conundrum with Andrew and his disrespectful ass sons that need their ass whooped for threatening to hit a woman. So she said these hands is bisexual, and I agree. Her hands should be bisexual. She should have laid that Negro out in the kitchen when you said that bullshit.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, that's a bit much. Are you done? Go ahead.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, so this is an update from the Detached Wife post. Um, she says, Well, we left. I removed myself and my daughters from the toxic environment. My children are amazing. They honor role students, high achievers, and full of promise. What kind of mother or role model would I be if I stayed in such a loveless and unhealthy marriage? I refuse to allow them to grow up believing that this is how a man shows love or that this behavior is what a woman should accept. One of the greatest lessons I can teach them is knowing when to walk away. Once he said if I leave, he would find another woman, give her a bigger ring, a bigger house, the car I once hoped for, and have a son with the name I liked. I said, Please do anyone but me. Okay now. I went to church and placed my marriage at the altar, asking God to guard me safely through this process of leaving. As I stood there, my tears flowed uncontrollably. I felt arms wrap around me. It was my pastor's wife. In that moment, I melted into her arms, crying out to God and repeatedly saying, I am tired of this Lord, and I cannot do this marriage anymore. That was my breaking point and my breakthrough at the same time. Since then, I removed my rings. The moment I took them off, it felt like weights were lifted from my body, ensuring my baby's safety and mental health and keeping God first as I began healing and feeling my process. Um, no, I have not accepted his calls, his text messages, or his emails. In fact, I blocked the family. I blocked him on my girls' phones, saying would uh staying would mean choosing a man over them. Staying would mean teaching them that enduring mistreatment is acceptable. We have seen so many go through this, and we always say, not me, until we are faced with the fight or the flight. And I chose flight. I do not want anything from him. I do not seek revenge, explanations, or material things. The only words I desire to hear are from the court. Your divorce is final. I want to talk, um, I want to walk out of the courtroom with my peace and my children. Nothing more and nothing less. I left with my babies, my faith, my strength, and God. Signed a detached wife. All right now. She said, That's it. She said, I prayed about it. Prayed about it, and I had to go.

SPEAKER_00:

You know what came to my mind? Very hippie.

SPEAKER_02:

Bye. But now, how disrespectful do you have to be to sit up in my face and tell me that you're gonna find somebody else and give her a bigger house, the car I wanted, a son with your last name.

SPEAKER_00:

Number four be the problem.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, because it ain't gonna be me, boo.

SPEAKER_00:

You know what Andrew's problem is? He ain't ran to the right one.

SPEAKER_02:

Andrew is going to be miserable. Oh, yeah, definitely. I know a couple Andrews. Yeah, Andrew is going to be miserable. I know a couple Andrews. Um, okay, so let's hop right on into the next one. All right. Am I the jerk for breaking up with my boyfriend because he wants to buy, he wants me to buy him a car?

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, Lord, okay.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, my mom passed last year and I and it wrecked me. She left me with a small inheritance um to me and my brother, nothing huge, but enough to be meaningful. I told my boyfriend because at the time I thought we were building a future together. First thing out of his mouth was not, are you okay? Not, let's save it, not even that's for your security. It was, we can finally get me a car. Not us a car, not our future. Bitch. But just him a car.

SPEAKER_04:

Okay, nigga.

SPEAKER_02:

I brushed it off at first because grief makes you second guess everything. But then he started sending me listings daily and talking about monthly payments, like my mom's death was a financing plan. When I brought it up, when I brought up maybe using it for a down payment on a place or saving for our wedding, he said a car was more important and that the wedding could wait. That's when it clicked. He saw my mom's loss and my loss as an upgrade for his lifestyle. I told him that that money was the last thing my mom would ever want me to use it for to fund someone else's priorities while our future was an afterthought. He got mad and said that I was being selfish and that couples share everything. So I shared a breakup. Kept the inheritance, put most of it in savings, helped my brother with a small emergency, and started therapy. Turns out the real thing my mom left me was clarity. Am I the jerk for leaving him when he only cared about a car? Hell no. Absolutely not. You didn't know what to do. Hold on, let me give her some goddamn clap.

SPEAKER_00:

God damn.

SPEAKER_02:

You did exactly what you were supposed to do. That was what? That was perfect. That that didn't even need a you didn't even have to write that. Right. You didn't even have to ask the question. You didn't have you were not a jerk. Absolutely not. You did exactly what you were supposed to do. And the fact, the fact that you're gonna sit up here and tell me the wedding can wait, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and put that down payment. That right there was couple share everything. Couple share couple share everything when I have something. But I bet you if you came into an inheritance, you ain't gonna be sharing crap with me.

SPEAKER_00:

She says, like, oh girl, yeah, we do share everything. So these hands is by bisexual.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. She said so, and she said, I did share. I shared a breakup. Where did you find what you're what they be finding these dudes at?

SPEAKER_00:

I don't know.

SPEAKER_02:

I just list let me know so I can when my daughter gets older, I can tell her to stay away from those side streets and that will. Because she don't need to be picking nobody up from there.

SPEAKER_00:

She need to be picking nobody up, period. Bye.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, let me see. Am I an asshole? I told my neighbor that if my kid can't play at her house, her kid can't play at mine.

SPEAKER_00:

Facts.

SPEAKER_02:

Facts. Okay. For some context, our girls are four born five days apart. They live three doors down in a townhouse, townhouse complex. For the last couple of months, and especially the last couple of weeks, my neighbor's daughter has been coming to our house to play with my daughter. No problem. However, when they leave and ours go, and my daughter goes over there, they're always sent back within five minutes. She's a single mom, but her mom, um, but her mom and her family friends come to help with her kids because she works. Uh, they have both told me that my kid isn't allowed over there because the mom doesn't want to clean up the mess. Last night, her kid came over, and again, instead of coming to get her kid on her own, she texted me and said to send her home. This happens more frequently than it should. I told her that while I'm okay with her kid coming to my house, this needs to be an equal loaded share. She said that she wished that I would have spoken to her sooner, which I did try, and that she's a single mom and that she doesn't have any help. My partner and I have been together, yes, but we are pretty much in the same boat. We don't have help either, and our closest relative is 10 um hours away. I told her that if um my kid isn't allowed at her house, then her kid is not allowed at mine. Am I being an asshole? Hell no. Well it's good for the goose. Yeah. Because the same, the same, the same mess that the girls make when they're at my house and I clean up, you can clean up the same mess. Therefore. Therefore, you can put them in a in a small area of the house and give them something to play with.

SPEAKER_00:

We gotta talk about um the fact that when the uh certain women be hating on other women because they got a good man.

SPEAKER_02:

And it's I don't even think it's about that. I just think because she's thinking like I'm a single person and there's an extra person in your house who can help.

SPEAKER_00:

She don't even have a dynamic of their relationship.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. She does, she doesn't. And nine times out of ten, like I say, nine times out of ten, it's still the mom who's taking care of those play dates completely on her own. Oh, yeah. So having another person, having the dad in the house is almost completely irrelevant because I'm still doing all the things that I would do, even if he wasn't here.

SPEAKER_00:

Crazy word.

SPEAKER_02:

Like the play date will still be happening. Gus going to the park, still happening. Me making them snacks, still happening. Me sitting down to play Barbies, still happening. The mess that they're gonna leave and the crumbs they leave on my floor, I'm still cleaning them up. Like, it's not like I get to say, hey, hey, are you gonna come play Barbies? Hey, are you gonna take them to the park? No.

SPEAKER_00:

I feel like you're talking to me right now.

SPEAKER_02:

I'm just saying, I'm speaking from experience. I'm saying, you how many play dates do you do? You don't do a lot of play dates. You did them in the beginning because it was like your friend and they had daughters. You okay, get out of my face. Get out of my face. You don't want to be associable with the face. I've done my time. No, and that's when she was like one. Look, I we had a play date on Saturday. I was there. On Saturday? That was a Valentine's Day party.

SPEAKER_00:

I was there.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

All right. Was I not? Sure.

SPEAKER_02:

Sure.

SPEAKER_00:

You were. He don't want to give me credit.

SPEAKER_02:

I didn't say I wasn't giving you credit. What's today's date?

SPEAKER_00:

That's it.

SPEAKER_02:

What's today's date? Okay. Are you ready for the next one? Um, am I overreacting for being upset that my husband's niece is leaving her daughter here for four to five nights without asking me? Oh, hell no. Okay. Okay. All right. So here's the story. My husband, who's 54 and I'm 45, have two girls together, ages five and six. I also have a son who's 14 that lives with us. We are in a two-bedroom condo, which is a tight squeeze, but we managed to make it work somehow. I stay home with the kids and do everything around the home. My husband really doesn't contribute to the cleaning or managing of the house. Kind of like what I said earlier. He's 54. Um that has nothing to do with anything. My husband has a niece who's 40 that is married with a daughter who's seven, the same age as my kids, and they get along great. We don't see them very often, but when the girls are together, they have a great time. I invited his niece, I'll call her Becky, and her daughter, Mona, to my daughter's birthday back in early December. After the party, they came back to our place and the girls played together nicely. We got on the topic of sleepovers, and Becky mentioned Mona had never had a sleepover. I said to Mona at the time that if she ever wanted a night out, uh, well, I think she meant Becky, that if she ever wanted a night out with her husband, she's more than welcome to leave Mona with us. I was very sincere when I said this and would be happy to have Mona with us for a night. Becky then mentioned she had a wedding coming up at the end of February, and she might really take us up on that offer. I asked at that time if it was during the break that the kids have from school in February, and she said she didn't know. Okay. That was the last we spoke of it. We even spent another evening at Christmas together for hours, and it was never mentioned again at that time. Well, a few weeks ago, my husband sent me a screenshot of flights saying booked. I was absolutely shocked to learn that Becky booked flights out of the state to a wedding without ever mentioning this to me again almost two months later. The flight was also booked for very early morning on a Thursday and returning very late on a Sunday. Meaning, what? Mona is gonna be staying here probably Wednesday night until at least Sunday, possibly Monday morning. Mona is gonna have to share a bed with one of my daughters who are in a bunk bed, and the kids have school that week, which means I will be with Mona two full days alone, which I have no problem with at all, but she didn't even ask me first. I think it's very, uh, I think it's a very long time to leave a kid who has never had a sleepover. But really, my biggest problem is that Becky booked a flight and not even a phone call or a text or anything was said to me. Now the date is approaching for them to leave, and she still has not even called or said anything of any kind of plans to see if I was okay with it. Honestly, my mind is blown. I expressed my disbelief to my husband who told me uh that I said that I would babysit and insisted that we agree to it. We got into a little tiff over it, and I said that uh he should apologize for not even asking that she should apologize for not even asking first. I'm sure he had some sort of conversation with his niece and made it sound like it was okay, but they both know I'm the one who's gonna be cooking every meal, bathing, putting to bed, and looking after the kids after this sweet child every minute. Am I overreacting?

SPEAKER_00:

Um, I'm gonna say slightly. Here's why. You put an invitation out there, but you just have the parameters. So now you know going forward, you need to let some plan now the the niece, she's fine for how she did it. And the fact that she's not talking to you because she knows it would have been some pushback.

SPEAKER_02:

But that's that's the point I think she's making.

SPEAKER_00:

And I get that. I get that. And that's why I say going forward, there needs to be some type of parameter set um to ensure that this doesn't happen again. Because you said the girls get along just fine. The only issue is that you're gonna be there with her by yourself. So I would say um uh have your husband uh take a day.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, I understand where she's coming from. I know you're gonna be able to do that. First of all, first of all, this has happened to us. First of all, I know you do. When she when they talked about it, she in the way that she mentioned it, she said if you and your husband ever want right, and that's usually like a date night, right? Like a Friday night. Me and my husband want to go out. Do you mind watching the kid for a few hours? Perfect. That's exactly the capacity in which she mentioned it because she said the little girl had never been in a sleepover before, okay? Now, you could also say that and then come back like six months later and be like, hey, does the offer still stand where you'd be willing to watch uh Mona? You know, I know we talked about it like last November, but you know, I have something coming up. Would do you mind? You would have to remind somebody. Oh, so communicate, like we talked about. So I'm not right. So I'm not going to because what if I did forget?

SPEAKER_00:

Or what if I had something to do for that?

SPEAKER_02:

What if I had something to do? Yeah, it's because it's been so long. It's been so long. So she she could have at least had the decency to say, hey, remember that wedding I talked to you about back in November that I wanted to go to in February, where the the wedding is coming up. These are the dates that we would need to be gone. Are you guys okay with that?

SPEAKER_00:

The only thing that don't sit right with me with this whole story is the fact that she went ghosts.

SPEAKER_02:

But the you know why she did it. And then I know why she didn't think no, she didn't want to run the risk of them saying no. Right, because she had already fought with the fight. Yes. So that's why she's like, if I just do it and then I just be like, okay, well, remember you already agreed to it, and I've already paid the money, you're gonna feel bad about not taking care of her.

SPEAKER_00:

Right, that's because that's why she said the screenshots of the fights.

SPEAKER_02:

She didn't even call. She didn't even call. And then basically what she did is like, I'll let y'all deal with that. Again, however, the disturbance is in your house, I'll let y'all deal with that.

SPEAKER_00:

Again, I say, like, it I I can go either way on this. Like, I get it, I get it. But then, like, like I always say, there are givers and there are takers.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, but she ruined it for herself, because you know why? Because the next time because next time she does like try to call up and be like, Like, hey, Steve and I want to go out on Thursday. Do you? I absolutely cannot.

SPEAKER_00:

You cannot.

SPEAKER_02:

We're busy.

SPEAKER_00:

Ask your uncle.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. I I can't actually. Ask your uncle. No, don't ask. I'm gonna tell him that too. Because it, like she said, he don't help around the house. I stay home with the kids and take care of everything. Because he will F around and say, Yeah, sure. Mona can come for the weekend. And then you know what that means? He's gonna come to you and be like, hey, babe. Just so you know, Mona's gonna be here Friday to Sunday. So can you make sure?

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, I'm good for that. Hey, babe. Hey, babe. Hey, babe.

SPEAKER_02:

Um she needs 25 cupcakes.

SPEAKER_00:

Look here. You be like, you're like, babe, so-and-so's coming. I said, okay, cool, cool, cool. And if they get here and they're like, oh, I'm gone. I'm like, hey, hold on. Hey, babe.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, she needs something. You might want to, you might want to go ahead and help her out with that plan, pimp.

SPEAKER_00:

What my children.

SPEAKER_02:

So yeah, no, no, she was she was wrong, girl. I don't think you're overreacting. Okay, guys, that is it for today. Thank you for tuning in. Who are you?

SPEAKER_03:

All right, guys. Let me tell you how to do this.

SPEAKER_02:

This has been another episode of the Life After I Do podcast. If you are not doing so already, you already know the drill. You can follow us on all of our social media platforms.

SPEAKER_00:

You know, this is my voice now.

SPEAKER_02:

I'm at Life After I Do Podcast. I don't like you right now.

SPEAKER_00:

Very, very serious. Why so serious, son?

SPEAKER_02:

Let me know when you're done so I can finish the outro.

SPEAKER_00:

My bad, go ahead.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay. So, like I was saying until I was interrupted, this has been another episode of the Life After I Do podcast. If you're not doing so already, you know the drill. You can follow us on all of our social media platforms at Life After I Do Podcasts. That's Instagram, Facebook, TikTok. Um That's it. Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, and YouTube.

SPEAKER_00:

YouTube.

SPEAKER_02:

I was about to say Venmo. You can follow me there too if you like. Actually. You can follow me on Venmo if you like. Follow me on Venmo and PayPal. All of those. Everything but Cash App. I don't use that shit.

SPEAKER_00:

Um but I will open it up.

SPEAKER_02:

Bye. Um, but yes, you get a new episode every Wednesday, and you know the drill, guys. Until then. Hold on, tell me. Tell a friend to tell a friend to tell granny. Everybody will know.

SPEAKER_00:

Everybody know.

SPEAKER_02:

Until then. Peace booskies. Peace booskies.

Head Shot

Kynesha Gill

Host
Head Shot

Morice Gill

Host