Fix Fights Faster

What does a real apology actually sound like—and why do so many of them miss the mark? In this episode of Life After I Do Podcast, we explore why apologizing isn’t about surrendering power, but about strengthening connection. We unpack why validation matters more than intent, how defensiveness blocks repair, and why unresolved conflict quietly turns into resentment.

Using a real-life disagreement and two revealing AITA stories, we break down the most common apology mistakes, gender differences around vulnerability and acknowledgment, and a simple framework for sincere repair that actually rebuilds trust. If you’re stuck in repeat arguments or want your apologies to create emotional safety instead of distance, this episode offers clarity, tools, and a healthier path forward.

Transcript

Cold Open: Vulnerability And Weaponized Apologies

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Every man you will ask will say they've all experienced a situation where they have been vulnerable and their vulnerability has been weaponized against them. So I feel like that is also a driving force why sometimes people will just refuse to apologize, or they'll apologize but not sincerely apologize. They'll say they'll they'll surface apologize.

SPEAKER_01 0:16

Or say, like, oh, I'm sorry you felt that way, or you took it that way.

SPEAKER_00 0:20

They'll apologize in whatever manner is necessary to just get past it and not really address what happened.

Playful Banter And Weekly Wins

SPEAKER_01 0:24

Yeah, which is why it comes up again. Again. Kickback again.

SPEAKER_00 0:57

Relax. And relax. Take a chill pill. Not a chill pill. What is this? 92?

SPEAKER_01 1:02

92.

SPEAKER_00 1:03

92.

SPEAKER_01 1:04

Bye. Take a chill pill. Relax. Hang out with us. Let's hang for a minute. Let's kick it. That's that was not you in the right tone for that song. Let's kick it. Just kicking.

SPEAKER_00 1:17

Hey, Booskies. Hey. How you doing? How how you feeling?

SPEAKER_01 1:21

You look good. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 1:23

You trying to you trying to do some uh naked activities after this?

SPEAKER_01 1:26

Oh my gosh, you're always trying to do naked activities.

SPEAKER_00 1:29

I'm always trying to do naked activities. You want to do after this? Me and you? Sure. All right. Well, let's hurry. Let's hurry this up. Bye. This is gonna be the shortest episode ever.

SPEAKER_01 1:36

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:36

I'm trying to get to that that ass. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:40

Hi, babe. Hey Muskie. How's it going?

SPEAKER_00 1:43

It's going. I had a great week.

SPEAKER_01 1:44

Yeah?

SPEAKER_00 1:45

I had a great week.

SPEAKER_01 1:46

Okay. I want to hear about it. You sure? Yes.

SPEAKER_00 1:48

Okay, here we go.

SPEAKER_01 1:49

Tell me about it. Bye. Here we go. Buckle in, everyone.

SPEAKER_00 1:53

My Dodger signed a closer.

SPEAKER_01 1:55

We finally oh, like a contract.

SPEAKER_00 1:58

A closer pitch picture.

SPEAKER_01 1:59

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 1:59

Another closer picture.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

Okay, sure.

SPEAKER_00 2:01

So we're gonna go back to back to back. Okay. Okay. My Eagles won. Yes. Them bum ass cowboys lost. It can't get no better.

SPEAKER_01 2:10

All is right in the world.

SPEAKER_00 2:11

All is right in the world. I even got good sleep.

SPEAKER_01 2:15

Okay, Mary. All is right in the world. You're being ridiculous. I even got good sleep. All is right in the world. You got good sleep because of that?

SPEAKER_00 2:22

Yes. I said the small finally. It's the small things. The small, take the small victories. Take the oh, and then you, you know, your boy went viral. I'm still viral on uh on TikTok.

SPEAKER_01 2:35

Yeah, you do.

SPEAKER_00 2:36

I mean, you know, uh it's crazy amount of people that are making assumptions about my marriage off of a video that was that's a that's people being sexy. That was uh made for uh shit and jig uh shit uh shit and giggles, but it's social media. I've had a good week. Yeah, you know, I've I'm blowing up. I might have to call Maya to replace you sooner than I thought. Okay. So if Miss Harrington has listened to this, you're making my left ear itch. Babe, I love you. But I told you if Maya or Coco, call me. It's a rap. It's not a rap.

SPEAKER_01 3:11

It's not it's not a rap.

SPEAKER_00 3:13

We're gonna have to figure out a sister wife situation. I can't leave you behind, you know, because you've been so loyal with them. I'm gonna return the favor.

SPEAKER_01 3:20

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 3:21

You know? I gotta return the favor. It gotta be a sister wife situation.

SPEAKER_01 3:26

A sister wife? I don't accept. I could take care of everybody. I don't accept. So now what? You know?

SPEAKER_00 3:31

I don't know. Anyway, I was just joking. I had a great week.

SPEAKER_01 3:34

That's good. That's good.

SPEAKER_00 3:35

My daughter told me she loved me. She told me that she likes it when I'm happy, daddy.

SPEAKER_01 3:39

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 3:39

And that I have to I have to come to her with a certain level of energy.

SPEAKER_01 3:42

She likes when you greet her happily, like when you greeted her when she got out of school, and he was like, and she was like, that's the dad I like.

SPEAKER_00 3:51

That's that's him. That's that's the one I want.

SPEAKER_01 3:53

That's what she said. That's the dad I like. She said, come on. Right. So I mean, it's been good. So when you pick her up today, I'm picking her up today? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:02

Oh, no, I didn't plan on too. That's fine.

SPEAKER_01 4:06

You're playing. I'm I'm I'm great for uh changing plans. So when you pick when you pick her up today, I need you to read her with that energy.

SPEAKER_00 4:14

How was your week?

SPEAKER_01 4:14

My week was good.

SPEAKER_00 4:15

It wasn't as good as mine, but let's tell people about it.

SPEAKER_01 4:17

It wasn't it probably wasn't as good as mine.

SPEAKER_00 4:19

I mean, you kind of went viral because you're on the video. That's all means.

Family Moments, Recitals, And Routine

SPEAKER_01 4:24

I'm gonna let you have your shine. I'm gonna let you have your shine, sir. It's fine. Um, but yeah, I mean, I had a good video. A good video. A good video, huh? Jesus. What kind of good week? Uh-huh. It wasn't, you know, I don't really have too much to report. I mean, you know, same old, same old. I'm on a routine, sounds I got to hang out with my sister.

SPEAKER_00 4:45

Oh my God. Let me tell y'all something.

SPEAKER_01 4:46

That's one of my favorite things.

SPEAKER_00 4:48

These impromptu family visits it wasn't an impromptu visit. These impromptu family visits that that become extended.

SPEAKER_01 4:54

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 4:55

Need to stop.

SPEAKER_01 4:56

No, it doesn't.

SPEAKER_00 4:56

Now we did celebrate our niece's birthday over the weekend.

SPEAKER_01 4:58

Yes, we celebrated my great niece's birthday. Shout out to Tierra.

SPEAKER_00 5:02

Tierra.

SPEAKER_01 5:03

Tiara K. Grigsby, who turned five.

SPEAKER_00 5:06

Right. She calls me.

SPEAKER_01 5:07

Uncle Mo. Uncle Mo. Uncle Mo.

SPEAKER_00 5:09

Uncle Mo, can I have a hug? Uncle Mo, I just I just want some water. I said, you want some what? Water. I said, why are you saying it like that? What? I just say water. I just say water, Uncle Mo. You can get some. This is hilarious.

SPEAKER_01 5:22

Yeah, so we had the birthday party. We had two birthday parties at the same time, at the same place, and we and we were right next to each other, which made it seamless. So we were able to go back between both birthdays. It was the most convenient thing.

SPEAKER_00 5:37

Which was really good for me because you know, one birthday party had terrible cake, and another birthday party had great cupcakes. Okay. So I was able to still get a sneak in a little snacky snack. Yeah. You know?

SPEAKER_01 5:51

Yeah. So I mean, that was good. That was fun. The kids had a great time. Um, Phoenix had her Christmas recital. Oh, yeah. Her gymnastic. Oh, maybe showed up. Oh my gosh, she's so stinking cute. I'm about to be, I'm about to be that parent right now. So if you want to fast forward, go ahead. But I'm about to be that parent right now. My baby was the cutest little elf you probably would have ever seen. And her cute I mean, she's about to bright size. And and her cute uh her leotard and leggings. That was itchy. Yeah, her lee, she said her leotard was itchy, but it was super, super cute. The girls did an amazing job. You know, Phoenix stood out because that's what we were looking at. I mean, because she's my kid. That's what we were looking at. Yeah, she, you know, she's she's my kid. And I'm pretty sure all the parents will probably say like their kids stuck out, you know. But my kid, my kid stuck out, you know. Um but no, it was it was really good. That was probably like the highlight of my week is being able to watch her. And um, before she was like, I'm kind of nervous. She's like, what if I forget my routine? I was like, girl, you ain't gonna forget the routine. Like, relax. It's what was it, a two-minute uh performance?

SPEAKER_00 6:50

And then she'd been rehearsing it for 17, uh, 75 hours a day.

SPEAKER_01 6:54

Right. So I was like, girl, you're not gonna forget it.

SPEAKER_00 6:55

75 hours a I know I know it ain't 75 hours a day, but it seemed like every time I gotta practice my routine. Phoenix.

SPEAKER_01 7:00

She was like helping on practicing like every day at home. So I was like, girl, you are not gonna forget it. She did, so she did really, really, really good. She did really well. Um, I'm you know what? As far as you know how I was sick two weeks ago, I ever since I've been sick, I feel like it's been messing with my recovery.

SPEAKER_00 7:18

It it might, you know, because I've been my sickness for the thickness has has been on me for so long. I don't know when the last time I didn't have a sickness for your thickness. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 7:26

I'm being serious.

SPEAKER_00 7:27

I'm being serious.

SPEAKER_01 7:28

Talking about my week.

SPEAKER_00 7:29

I'm talking about neck.

SPEAKER_01 7:30

Um, as far as like my week for me, okay. That's what I'm saying. Like my recovery has been so far. Yeah, like it's been a little stifling. Now, granted, I know part of that is due to like I was sick. And when I was sick, I was also not eating properly because well, I wasn't eating because I didn't feel good. Yeah, so then I so then that leads to the lack of, yeah. So I I know it's like a snowball triple down, trickle down effect. Triple down. Um, but I'm just trying to slowly but surely get back into it. Like I was just like, okay, that's it. Don't be it's been two weeks. I can't keep, you know what I mean? So like let's get to it. But what really tried to like pushes me to it is because when I get underweight that I normally like can rep out and it feels heavy, that's when I'd be like, get your shit together. This is ridiculous. But then waking up at 3 a.m.

SPEAKER_00 8:25

You should have just gone to the gym.

SPEAKER_01 8:26

When I gotta get up at six, you should have gone to the gym.

SPEAKER_00 8:28

That's what I used to do.

SPEAKER_01 8:30

Before before, before No, because then by the time I get dressed, and because I'm now trying to do something, because I'm not sleep, then I start getting sleepy.

SPEAKER_00 8:38

Before we started going together, if I would wake up at one, you you know, I usually just leave. I said I'm just gonna just go with the workout in. I'm either gonna have a great workout and come home and sleep, or I'm gonna have a shitty workout and come home and sleep. But either way, I'm gonna come home and sleep.

SPEAKER_01 8:49

Yeah. And then plus, like I've been having, you know, the issue with my um my neck, you know, my neck and my trap and stuff.

SPEAKER_00 8:56

So you gotta have an issue with your neck. Um not neck.

SPEAKER_01 9:00

Okay, I'm not doing this with you. Uh no, I'm I refused. I refuse. I refuse. Um, yeah, so the issue with my neck and my trap, but I'm working through it. But other than that. You are you a trap weight? Kinda. 1730. Not that right. Not that tight. Um Nancy? No. Oh, okay. No, I don't oh no. Um, but yeah, other than that, I mean, I had a good, I had a good solid week.

SPEAKER_00 9:35

I mean, you're married to me. It couldn't be that bad. I always brighten up your day.

SPEAKER_01 9:42

Oh, sorry for such the long pause. Um I'm teasing. Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me like that.

Setting The Stage: Why Apologies Matter

SPEAKER_00 9:52

I'm almost hit a button on your ass. What we got today, Booskies?

SPEAKER_01 9:56

Something really important that we actually just experienced about 10 minutes ago.

SPEAKER_00 9:59

Oh my god, what are we talking about?

SPEAKER_01 10:01

Apologizing.

SPEAKER_00 10:02

I'm not doing that no more.

SPEAKER_01 10:03

Apologizing. How important apologizing in your relationship is. It's very important. I think it's it's mid. It's it's the only reason we're actually sitting down having the conversation today. It's because I apologize. It's because it would no, because we both recognize the importance of apologizing. Of apologizing.

SPEAKER_00 10:21

But I also recognize the importance of that ass. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 10:24

Stay focused.

SPEAKER_00 10:26

I am focused.

SPEAKER_01 10:26

Um, yeah, so apologizing and why it's so difficult for people to do. Why do you think it's so difficult because like people to do in relationships?

SPEAKER_00 10:42

Because like I said last week, a lot of people don't like taking accountability for their part of the situation. Because they feel like accountability is accepting blame, and you can be accountable without having anything to blame.

SPEAKER_01 10:54

It's like they think it's defeat.

Accountability vs Blame

SPEAKER_00 10:56

Because a lot of times I feel like personally, a lot of times in relationship, there is no blame. There's you guys and the problem. Okay. So you take accountability for your part of the problem, they take accountability for your problem. Your contribution. Right. You they take a uh uh accountability for their contribution, and then y'all work that shit out and y'all beat the problem. But a lot of times people get so self-centered in the issue that thinking that they're being personally attacked, and they gotta they gotta stand on how they feel.

SPEAKER_01 11:20

Yeah, yeah, and they don't want to feel defeated when it's in its intention is to be repair, my thing not admit defeat.

SPEAKER_00 11:26

My thing is that when you when a lot of times I feel like a lot of times when people get so self-uh stand stand uh stand so firmly on self-uh um righteousness, they they start to lack the empathy of seeing the other person's view.

SPEAKER_01 11:41

Point of view. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:42

Point of view. Because I I now recently I just got to this kind of form this point in my life where now I can see now, or I can see the other side. I understand that how I perceive things, it's not necessarily the way others have perceived what has happened. So I am able to now provide more empathy and more more space, more safety for to be for people to express the way they interpreted what happened. Okay, and not being defensive about it. But I think that's something that everyone needs to work towards because if you're if you're really trying to have a solution to a problem, you can't be defensive. Because if you're defensive, you're not you're not you're not listening to understand, you're listening to respond.

Validation, Trust, And Emotional Safety

SPEAKER_01 12:22

So that's like active listening. Yeah, we've talked about that before. Active listening. That's all you do. Um, so why is apologizing, not just apologizing, I have to say that, not just apologizing, but being sincere about an apology. Because I think that that's two different things. Like people can say, like, oh my bad. That's not an apology.

SPEAKER_00 12:46

I think I think the number one reason why apologizing is important because it it tends to validate the other person's experience. Like I was saying earlier. If I apologize, I acknowledge that you feel some type of way. I'm not, and again, acknowledging that you feel some type of way is not it's not me saying I'm right or wrong.

SPEAKER_01 13:03

Right.

SPEAKER_00 13:03

That's just me saying I can see that I see that you feel this way. Yeah, so that's one of the biggest things. And I also think that goes towards rebuilding the trust. Okay. Because if I if if I'm not, if I never apologize or I don't want to apologize, how can you then then be trust like trust you? Trust me and to be open and be honest. If if if you feel like I'm just gonna uh um uh bash down or double down on my stance.

SPEAKER_01 13:28

So it basically reassures the emotional safety.

SPEAKER_00 13:31

Exactly. It really reassures the emotional safety.

SPEAKER_01 13:33

That's good. I like that. Also, a number one thing. Okay, it helps to break down the building of resentment.

SPEAKER_00 13:43

I mean, I'm gonna resent you one way or another.

SPEAKER_01 13:47

Get it out, Damel. Because I think when there is a lack of accountability and the like comp uh compatibility, not compatibility, um, accountability, uh, compromise, not apologizing, those are great building blocks for building resentment towards each other. So having a sincere apology can kind of help break down the building of resentment that you will eventually have. Yeah, sincere apology apology can break down the resentment that you will build. Like it's not if, it's the resentment you will build.

SPEAKER_00 14:28

Okay, let me give me your take on this. Research consistently shows that couples that repair conflict quickly and with accountability experience higher relationship satisfaction, lower resentment, and greater long-term stability.

SPEAKER_01 14:41

I feel like I agree because case in point, our little situation. I'm gonna use this as an example today.

SPEAKER_00 14:47

You're gonna tell people my business? Don't do that. Tell your business. Don't do that.

A Morning Conflict And A Real Repair

SPEAKER_01 14:51

Um, we had a little incident this morning, right? I had you did. Okay. I had made I had made a comment um to our schedule because, you know, as we talked about last night, we're busy, we've looked in busy. We have a lot going on, and there was something that wasn't put on the schedule, and then I had told you about it, and you got instantly upset. And then but it was your reaction to it that was the issue. Right. The way you reacted to it by getting upset, storming off. I just talked off because I walked away. No, you stormed off. You stormed to the car. You stormed to the car. You know what? Um, my perception, my reality. You right. Getting upset, going to the car, and like me understanding that you were visibly upset, right? But me, I didn't engage because you were already in a state of which no matter what I said, you were already annoyed. You were already upset. I was hurt. And plus, in my end faburgastic. Okay, bye. From my from my own perspective, I I hadn't done nothing wrong. Like of course.

SPEAKER_00 15:58

Like, that's what's one thing.

SPEAKER_01 15:59

I was just letting you know this is what we have going on this week. Even though one of the two you already knew, the other is on the Google calendar, but that's neither here nor there.

SPEAKER_00 16:08

First of all, don't don't dis don't disrespect. We have Apple Cal. We have Apple Calendar. Okay, we're gonna do that.

SPEAKER_01 16:12

Okay, Apple calendar, whichever whichever one it is. It's on the family digital.

SPEAKER_00 16:15

They're not paying us, but it's on the family digital calendar.

SPEAKER_01 16:18

Um, so but me just bringing that forefront to your attention. Don't know what you had on your mind previous, whatever. Oh, in any case, the stresses of life. Right. In any case, that transpired, changed the energy, changed the vibe, but you had time to settle. Reflect. You had time, you had time to reflect, you had time to settle. We went to the gym, we worked it out, we came together.

SPEAKER_02 16:41

Yeah, we did.

SPEAKER_01 16:42

Bye. We came together and through your own admission, not trying to say that I was wrong or saying that you were wrong, but just simply apologizing for your your own behavior, your own reaction.

SPEAKER_00 16:55

I took accountability for my reaction to what you said.

SPEAKER_01 16:57

Right. And even though, like, even though it was still valid because if that's how you felt, oh, it was it was it's definitely valid.

SPEAKER_00 17:04

It's still valid.

SPEAKER_01 17:05

Okay. That's not it's it's still valid. It's still valid. It's still valid, right? And I didn't say anything contract. It was just the way you reacted. Was not necessary wasn't necessary, and that's what you took accountability for.

SPEAKER_00 17:17

That lets me know that I wasn't disrespectful when I reacted.

SPEAKER_01 17:19

No, you didn't. You were just upset and you stormed off.

SPEAKER_00 17:21

Right.

SPEAKER_01 17:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:22

And I but I had to storm off because I didn't want you to hit me because you did storm off.

SPEAKER_01 17:25

I didn't no, I didn't I walked away. Gotcha!

SPEAKER_00 17:27

I walked away. I walked away because you've been known to hit me. I didn't want to be bad.

SPEAKER_01 17:33

Okay, Maurice, you're gonna stop that. You're gonna stop that. No one hits you. You've stabbed me, woman. Maurice, I have never stabbed you.

SPEAKER_00 17:40

Okay. All right. I got the marks to prove it.

Why People Avoid Apologizing

SPEAKER_01 17:42

Okay. Anyway, you took accountability and you were sincere in your apologies for taking accountability for your your behavior and your actions. I pretended to mismarchy. You you accepted it. I accept and I sincerely accepted it. And we were able to move past it. And then it's like things kind of automatically go back to, you know, just everyday, everyday life. Yeah, okay. You know? Mm-hmm. Okay. Stop looking at me like that. What? Um what are some of the most common reasons you think people don't apologize? Like, why wouldn't they apologize? What makes them not want to apologize?

SPEAKER_00 18:20

There's a list of things that reason why people don't want to apologize. Like, one, my first one is they don't want to take accountability.

SPEAKER_01 18:25

Okay, that's a huge one.

SPEAKER_00 18:30

I feel like a lot of times ego and pride get in the way.

SPEAKER_01 18:33

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 18:33

I feel like um shame. Like they put something they're they're ashamed of and they don't want to again. Now you got to, if you apologize for it, you're admitting to it, right? Um, fear of being seen as weak. You know, because a lot of times you don't apologize. We got to apologize. You know what I'm saying? Um, and this is a big one. I've also felt like sometimes the apologies can be weaponized.

SPEAKER_01 18:54

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 18:55

And I feel like when it comes to men, weaponizing apologies. When it comes to men, and how we every man you will ask will say they've all experienced a situation where they have been vulnerable and their vulnerability has been weaponized against them. So I feel like that is also a driving force why sometimes people just refuse to apologize, or they'll apologize but not sincerely apologize, they'll say they'll they'll surface apologize, or say like, oh, I'm sorry you felt that way, or you took it that way. They'll apologize in whatever manner is necessary to just get past it and not really address what happened.

SPEAKER_01 19:27

Yeah, which is why it comes up again again. Right. Um, what about the belief that apologizing means like you've lost somehow? Absolutely. Yeah, I think that's a big sample.

SPEAKER_00 19:39

I I can't say this enough. Apologizing is not a game. It does not mean that you that you were wrong, right? It does not mean that you are right, it just means that you are acknowledging what you did in the moment and how you reacted or what was said or whatever, whatever you're just acknowledging your point and the disagreement. Right. So you're apologizing, you're not apologizing for what you said or what you done, you're apologizing for the outcome. Or how you said or what you done.

SPEAKER_01 20:02

Yeah. Or your behavior in it. Like how earlier it's like your reaction. You apologize for your. I'm not going to apologize for how I felt because how I felt is how I felt. You know what I mean? Right. But I could have handled it differently. I could have communicated that differently to you. I could have shown it through my behavior differently. And that I do apologize for it. Not I apologize that you took it the wrong way that I stormed off. I didn't storm off. I walked. Like, you know, kind of like.

SPEAKER_00 20:33

Shots, people.

SPEAKER_01 20:35

The weaponized thing. I got it. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 20:40

That's why I hit gave you the shots.

SPEAKER_01 20:43

Um, but yeah, so it's like you're you're just you're acknowledging the part that you've played to where we are right now.

Logic, Emotion, And Gendered Assumptions

SPEAKER_00 20:52

Because it and this again, I say this all the time when it comes to any type of relationships, marriage, friendships, partnerships, whatever the case may be, you have to acknowledge your role in whatever has happened, whether you're on the right side or the wrong side. Yeah. You played a part in the in the final outcome. Right. Right. And so there's being right doesn't necessarily mean there that there wasn't something that you could have done differently to have a different outcome.

SPEAKER_01 21:19

Or that you're gonna win a trophy for it.

SPEAKER_00 21:21

Right.

SPEAKER_01 21:21

Like that, and that's the thing I don't get. When they when they talk about some people don't like to apologize because it it feels like they've lost or they had to like succumb to their their opponent. That your partner's not your opponent. We're not in a in a contest, we're not like playing volleyball or something, you know what I mean? So it's not something you win at or something you lose at because we're both trying to win together.

SPEAKER_02 21:48

Right.

SPEAKER_01 21:48

The whole point is to arrive at a solution that puts us both in a position to be like so that the relationship is stronger on the other side. Right, right. And so it's gonna take some compromise, it's gonna take some apologize. Yeah, some apologizing. And you're gonna have to swallow, swallow your pride and swallow your ego and get through that. Why are you looking at me like that? I'm disagreeing. You're disagreeing?

SPEAKER_00 22:14

I'm agreeing. Oh, I was like swallowing part. Let me ask you this. So, what happens when apologies don't happen?

SPEAKER_01 22:23

Resentment has settles in. Okay. Withdrawal settles in.

SPEAKER_00 22:27

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 22:28

Uh, emotional deflection settles in. Okay. Um your partner will stop bringing up concerns.

SPEAKER_02 22:34

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 22:35

Uh, people shut down, silent treatment starts. I mean, the list goes on and on. The list can go on and on.

SPEAKER_00 22:40

It can go on and on.

SPEAKER_01 22:41

Like your partner starts being an asshole. Well, what does it mean to her? Your partner just starts being an asshole.

SPEAKER_00 22:46

So, what does it mean to you to emotionally withdraw?

SPEAKER_01 22:50

Um, for me personally, that just looks like me not sharing, like sharing my vulnerabilities with you. That looks like me not expressing myself. That looks like me not expressing my wants. Um, not expressing.

SPEAKER_00 23:02

I'm happy you can you said that because if you wouldn't weaponize my vulnerability, I would have I would have expressed some more. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 23:08

Um, but yeah, so that looks like just the emotional withdrawal of the relationship. It's like, how was your day? Fine. Everything okay with you? Good. Good.

SPEAKER_00 23:20

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 23:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:21

Lightway, baby.

SPEAKER_01 23:22

Do you need to talk about anything? No. No, good. Gucci. Yeah. And if I because in my mind, it'd be like, yeah, I do need to talk about a lot of shit, but guess who I'm not gonna talk about them with? Yo ass.

SPEAKER_02 23:32

You. Yo ass.

SPEAKER_01 23:34

You and then that's how you build those building blocks for resentment. And then as those building blocks of resentment start to add up, now it's like I can no longer see you as somebody that I'm like in love with, or somebody that I feel safe with, or somebody that you know can like be in my corner. Now you just starting to look like a nigga.

SPEAKER_00 23:55

I don't know. Oh wow.

SPEAKER_01 23:57

I don't know why you gotta be here. I don't know why I gotta be here.

SPEAKER_00 24:00

Okay. You no good to the time and long did it have a long D said it ain't got no display.

SPEAKER_01 24:12

You stupid. Um, okay, so like from a male's perspective, why do you think um men, why men think most women don't apologize? Why do you why do you men some men think women don't apologize or like apologizing?

SPEAKER_00 24:27

I feel like a lot of men feel as if women expect them to apologize first. And to that I would say, I do think that you should apologize first if you were the one in the wrong. But again, a lot of times you need to reflect. Okay. Like earlier, like you said, our story. I had to reflect. I was like, Yeah, you needed time. I came at her sideways a little bit. Yeah. You know. That's why I didn't respond. Let me go ahead and get yourself together.

SPEAKER_01 24:50

Yeah. Let me work, let me work out and work it off.

SPEAKER_00 24:52

Let me, yeah. Tell it what it is.

SPEAKER_01 24:55

I knew you'd feel better once your endorphin started.

Consequences When Apologies Don’t Happen

SPEAKER_00 24:57

Oh my god, okay. Um I also feel like uh, you know, women don't like to necessarily apologize because if they don't they don't want to feel unheard, and they feel like sometimes they feel unheard, and if they apologize, it's it's a little premature because it had like it cuts off, it cuts off the feeling. Again, I feel like a lot of issues is that women just want to be understood. People in general just want to be understood.

SPEAKER_01 25:20

I was gonna say that's a human that's a human thing.

SPEAKER_00 25:23

They want to be seen. So a lot of times I don't think they want to prematurely apologize if they feel like you haven't really heard my part or my side of the story, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_01 25:36

Excuse me.

SPEAKER_00 25:38

Okay, a lot of times I do feel this too. A lot of times I women do do do the role, they feel like a man should already know why they're upset. You shouldn't, you know what you did. No, I don't know what I did. Tell me what I did. No, I don't. Because this has happened to us a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 25:53

I'm gonna have to rebuttal that a little bit. Go ahead, rebuttal. I'm gonna rebuttal that a little bit because here's the thing. Uh-huh. Okay. Talk to me. Use us as an example again. Use us as an example again. The whole thing that transpired this morning, right? If I just went silent on you and just kind of like was short with you the rest of the day, went silent on you, everything, and you knowing what transpired this morning and what our interaction was like following that immediately, you know why I'm being short with you. But it's most situation, like I feel like it's most situations. Like there's not just people just walking around being upset with their partners for shit they made up in their head.

SPEAKER_00 26:33

But babe, there, babe, there has been times where you were upset with me where I had I had no idea why you were upset and I had to ask you. Yeah, you know, and I said, What did I do?

SPEAKER_01 26:40

Yeah, but then when I bring it to your attention, when I say it, then you go, Oh yeah. Because you knew.

SPEAKER_00 26:46

But in the moment I was unaware because I'm just living life, being me. Okay, Maurice. You know what I'm saying? No, I don't. So if I uh again, it happens all the time. I upset you in the moment, I don't understand it. I don't understand it, or I don't realize it. Then I look at you and go, hold on, she mad. What's going on here? And I then I have to ask you, what happened? What did I do?

SPEAKER_01 27:07

And then you tell me, then of course, once you tell me I apologize because Well, no, you you actually think about it and you be like, oh fuck, yeah, I did do that.

SPEAKER_00 27:13

But once you tell me I actually do apologize because I it's never my intention to irritate you.

SPEAKER_01 27:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:18

Or no. I mean, sometimes. I was like, it's literally your life's mission. It's never my intention to hurt you, yeah. Purposely.

SPEAKER_01 27:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:26

Unless you ask one.

SPEAKER_01 27:27

Like calling me a chocolate covered doo-doo ball. First of all, you Or saying that you hope that I slip and fall in the shower.

SPEAKER_00 27:32

Okay, first of all, you know what? You still hold on to those, huh?

SPEAKER_01 27:35

See? Let's see. You still hold on to those.

SPEAKER_00 27:38

I apologize for those things. And you had made me mad. And that was.

SPEAKER_01 27:42

You see? It's because you made me mad. You know. He called me a chocolate covered doo-doo ball.

SPEAKER_00 27:49

Right. A lot of times I think men feel like women don't see their actions as wrong.

SPEAKER_01 27:55

Yeah, I can see that.

SPEAKER_00 27:55

Oh, oh, I I know you can. Oh, I know you can. You know, they they they feel like their actions aren't wrong. They're just misunderstood. Now, granted, you can be misunderstood and still be wrong.

Practical Steps For A Sincere Apology

SPEAKER_01 28:09

Absolutely. Two things can be true at the same time.

SPEAKER_00 28:12

At the same damn time.

SPEAKER_01 28:14

That's that's true.

SPEAKER_00 28:15

So, you know.

SPEAKER_01 28:16

I mean, not for me. I'm just saying for them, for the others.

unknown 28:22

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 28:24

For the others, you know?

SPEAKER_00 28:25

So yeah, so women feel they feel like they're misunderstood and therefore they don't need to apologize because if you just understand them, there would be no need for them to apologize.

SPEAKER_01 28:31

Yeah, no, women, you still have to apologize too. I find myself apologizing to him, and it's sometimes, sometimes it's a little, it's a little difficult.

SPEAKER_00 28:39

No, every time.

SPEAKER_01 28:40

No, it's not.

SPEAKER_00 28:41

Say it with me. I'm sorry. Say it with me.

SPEAKER_01 28:44

I'm not sorry, like as a parson, but I apologize to you.

SPEAKER_00 28:49

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 28:49

I apologize. All right. Okay. It's all fun and jokes, guys.

SPEAKER_02 28:54

Is it? Yeah. I don't feel like that.

SPEAKER_01 28:56

Um, so with men, um women tend to think that men will avoid apologizing for reasons such as feeling weak.

SPEAKER_00 29:10

I can see that.

SPEAKER_01 29:11

Being emasculated.

SPEAKER_00 29:12

Because I said what I said, and you're gonna have to deal with it.

SPEAKER_01 29:14

But see, here's the thing. You can't pick and choose when you want to like show up as like a leader or a boss or ahead of something. You can't pick and choose.

SPEAKER_00 29:23

I show up every day.

SPEAKER_01 29:24

I'm not talking about you in particular, I'm talking about like men in general.

SPEAKER_00 29:29

I'm talking about in particular right now. I pick up every day. Okay, but said what I said.

SPEAKER_01 29:34

But men in general.

SPEAKER_00 29:35

Yes, ma'am.

SPEAKER_01 29:36

In general. So they're different. You can't, yeah. You can't like you can't pick and choose.

SPEAKER_00 29:41

No, no, you got you gotta if you gotta be consistent. If you're gonna be 10 toes down, be 10 toes down.

SPEAKER_01 29:46

Yeah, you gotta be consistent.

SPEAKER_00 29:47

First of all, a woman, a woman shouldn't be with a man that's inconsistent anyway.

SPEAKER_01 29:50

Yeah, well, that's a different topic. Um uh let's see. Um men prioritize logic over emotional states.

SPEAKER_00 30:01

That is true.

SPEAKER_01 30:02

So I was gonna say, I think I think that's a big one too.

SPEAKER_00 30:05

Like this, that is huge.

SPEAKER_01 30:06

I'm not a man, but I would suspect that you not wanting to apologize is because you looked at a situation from a logical standpoint, and because it makes like the sense makes sense, and then you're thinking that it's just the emotional aspect that she's hung up on. In your mind, you have rationalized, I'm not gonna apologize to foolery because that's your emotions, because logic is gonna win here.

SPEAKER_00 30:29

Let me respond to that. So, in in therapy, I had to work on this, and I now understand what your emotional state is not logical to me.

SPEAKER_01 30:42

That don't have nothing to do with anything, it ain't got nothing to do with anything.

SPEAKER_00 30:46

So, in those instances, it's on me as your husband, as your partner, the one who asked me to be here to validate how you're feeling. And again, I say validating how you're feeling doesn't necessarily mean I agree.

SPEAKER_01 30:59

Right.

SPEAKER_00 31:00

Or that it makes sense to you, but I need to validate that so we can get past that. Yeah, and hopefully you can see the logical point that I'm trying to point out. But what's important is that I do validate your emotions, yeah. No matter how crazy or bizarre or how far left they may be, okay.

SPEAKER_01 31:16

All right, okay. Now you're trying to be funny.

Comment Of The Week: Audience Reactions

SPEAKER_00 31:19

Because I mean, a lot of times, a lot of times emotion can, I mean, again, men get emotional too. It ain't it's just is most of the time when men get emotional, it's it's anger, yeah, and that still can cloud judgment and logic. Um, but but you gotta acknowledge that.

SPEAKER_01 31:37

Sometimes men also don't see emotional harm as real damage.

SPEAKER_00 31:42

Oh, it is. But a lot of times men emotional harms stick around.

SPEAKER_01 31:47

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:49

It's it's it's a lot harder to recover.

SPEAKER_01 31:51

That's a mental precedent. So I think that it carries a lot more weight.

SPEAKER_00 31:55

It carries a lot more weight because it then in turns uh leaves that person too shut down. Because one one thing we do as humans is that we don't go out and look for emotional hurt. Okay, we know something's gonna trigger that hurt, we're just gonna avoid that altogether. Right. So yeah, I yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:10

Um, men feel attacked during conflict and go into defense mode. All the time. All the time. Because if you come in here I was like, that's first hand over here.

SPEAKER_00 32:19

Because if you come in, you come in me sideways, we're not talking about the problem.

SPEAKER_01 32:22

We talk about how I'm at war with you, and I must win. Must win at all costs. Um, men feel overwhelmed by emotional conversations.

SPEAKER_00 32:31

Yeah, I can yeah. I don't eat anymore. I used to. I used to just be like, you know what? Can we just can we put this on the shelf?

SPEAKER_01 32:37

Every everything was bitching to you.

SPEAKER_00 32:39

Yeah, can we just put this on the shelf layer? Because you are nagging times a million right now. And I'm just like, nothing you said makes sense. You just in your feelings. It must be that time of the month. You must be going.

SPEAKER_01 32:50

And you know, you know my stickler on that. Yeah, don't you dare chuck my emotions up.

SPEAKER_00 32:55

I said, ooh, your home, your hormones are imbalanced this week. Okay. Because you are crazy.

SPEAKER_01 33:00

And that's the quickest way to get you cut. See? Well, I thought you didn't cut me. That's the quickest way. I thought you didn't cut me. I didn't. I didn't cut you. Okay. I didn't. But I'm just saying that if I had it in me, that would be the quickest way to get you cut. Okay. Um, men avoid vulnerability because it feels unsafe. So that's not that doesn't set up a good precedent for them because taking ownership to apologize.

SPEAKER_00 33:23

Because it's been proven to be unsafe.

SPEAKER_01 33:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 33:25

I wouldn't. A lot of men, I'm saying a lot of men has ask men. Ask them. Ask them. Comment on the video, fellas. A lot of men will say that it has that their voting.

SPEAKER_01 33:37

It hasn't benefited them.

SPEAKER_00 33:38

It hasn't benefited them. As a matter of fact, it's hurts them down the line because a woman would tend to bring shit back up. Yeah. Because a woman will remember what you said 20 years ago at 3 p.m. on a Saturday. By Maurice. But can't remember where she put her car keys spot in my face.

SPEAKER_01 33:54

Um, men fear that apologizing will never be enough, so they just don't do it.

SPEAKER_00 34:00

I can see how some men feel that way. I don't feel that way. I think that that that that has a lot to say about who you who you who your partner is.

SPEAKER_01 34:07

You think so? Or what about just the the type type of man you are?

SPEAKER_00 34:11

It goes both ways. I don't know. It'll go either way. It'd go either way. It'd go either way.

SPEAKER_01 34:18

Um it could be a little bit of both. Men think that just moving on, moving past it is better. Like if you just act like if you act like we didn't just have this big blowout, and I'ma just come in and be like, You hungry? Let's go to your favorite restaurant. Like that's apologizing by avoidance.

SPEAKER_00 34:37

Sometimes it's better to forget it.

SPEAKER_01 34:40

Sometimes Nah, before I eat my shrimp scampi, I'm gonna need an apology.

SPEAKER_00 34:44

Okay, all right.

SPEAKER_01 34:45

Because my shrimp scampi is not even gonna taste as good without an apology, sir.

SPEAKER_02 34:49

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 34:50

I'm gonna need my my apology with my shrimp scampi. Thank you very much. Um, let's see. Men believe uh being wrong undermines their authority or their leadership. I don't see how it does, but if someone Well, I think it kind of goes hand in hand with trying like appearing weak.

SPEAKER_00 35:10

You have to always be right?

SPEAKER_01 35:11

Well, appearing weak. They think that it makes sense. I know, but babe, that's you. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00 35:19

We're talking about the masses, okay, in general. I like to talk about me. Because then I I can say what I know.

SPEAKER_01 35:27

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 35:28

So, you know, men and women but both struggle with apologizing. Obviously. But for different emotional reasons. Okay. Men oftentimes struggle with fear of loss of respect. Yes. Women struggle with fear of loss of validation. Okay. I do feel like women love to be validated. Who doesn't?

SPEAKER_01 35:44

I mean, I wouldn't say I wouldn't even use necessarily validation as much as I would use acknowledgement.

SPEAKER_00 35:50

That's validation.

SPEAKER_01 35:50

Oh, okay. But I like acknowledgement better.

SPEAKER_00 35:53

Synonyms. I like synonyms.

SPEAKER_01 35:55

I like acknowledgement better than validation.

SPEAKER_00 35:59

Oh, you like the term?

SPEAKER_01 36:00

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 36:01

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 36:02

As opposed to validation.

SPEAKER_00 36:04

You know?

SPEAKER_01 36:05

Like I like acknowledgement.

SPEAKER_00 36:07

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 36:08

Yeah. Continue. Sorry. I was just I was just saying.

SPEAKER_00 36:12

I'm done.

SPEAKER_01 36:12

Saying my two cents. Um I got seven. What?

SPEAKER_00 36:17

Nothing.

SPEAKER_01 36:19

Okay. Actionable steps. Um, acknowledging the impact. See? Okay. Acknowledging, because that's what I like acknowledgement. Um, not just the intent. Right? So acknowledging like the situation as a whole, not just what you meant for it to be. Take it. That's not how it meant, that's not how I meant it. Right. But I'm still gonna apologize for the end result of it, not just apologizing what my intention was.

SPEAKER_00 36:47

And also, when you apologize, you should you should take responsibility without minimizing.

SPEAKER_01 36:51

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 36:52

That's a great one. So because that'll piss me off. Don't say I apologize, but if you would have no.

SPEAKER_01 36:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:58

I apologize, but I was no, just say I apologize.

SPEAKER_01 37:01

That's another quick way to get you cut.

SPEAKER_00 37:04

Okay. All right. This is uh I'm gonna just start pressing charges.

SPEAKER_01 37:10

That's another quick way to get you cut.

SPEAKER_00 37:13

Cause what you're not gonna do is try to give me a uh and also I'll say also make sure you're your the apologies have to be uh sincere, right? Yeah, so you have to follow the words with actions, don't apologize and then 10 days later do the exact same thing you just apologized for.

SPEAKER_01 37:29

Well, and in now we've had that conversation amongst ourselves.

SPEAKER_00 37:32

Now, now granted, some things you're working on.

SPEAKER_01 37:35

Right.

SPEAKER_00 37:35

You gotta work on it.

SPEAKER_01 37:36

Okay, get away from me. You know, um get away repeating the same action because sometimes that can feel like okay, so your apology wasn't genuine because you are not you yeah, you just did it again, which means you're not even being active about the thing that pissed me off the first in the first place. But a lot of times I know for us, I'll speak for the changing behavior takes time.

SPEAKER_00 37:59

It takes time. A lot of times for us, I would do things in now apologize for them, but then I would I would uh uh subconsciously do them because I've always done them. Right, that's why I said behavior change takes time. I've done this certain thing for so long that I just naturally done it and now it's a problem. So now I have to retrain myself not to do it.

SPEAKER_01 38:15

Rewire your brain. Right, right. Um I think in all apologizing isn't something that's like about winning or something about losing, it's about growing together. It's about protecting the relationship, growing the relationship, um, ensuring that you're creating an environment to flourish, both of you, right? And like I said before, you can't you can't really have that connection without the compromise, the accountability, and apologizing.

SPEAKER_00 38:45

Right. And let me just say this when you apologize, that don't mean it's over right away. Sometimes you gotta give the other person space to heal and accept. Yeah. You know what I mean? Don't think just because you say I'm sorry, that everything is now back to where it was. Yeah. You still have that grace period in which um in which um, you know, they have to process and go through whatever they had going on to accept the apology. That's what I'm saying. That the the exception of the apology may not always be immediate. Yep.

SPEAKER_01 39:16

I agree.

SPEAKER_00 39:17

You have no choice but to. Oh gosh.

SPEAKER_01 39:21

I'm not doing this anymore.

SPEAKER_00 39:22

Yeah, no. Well, let's hop right on to the comment of the week. Now, look here, people. Y'all, y'all showed out this week, okay?

SPEAKER_01 39:33

You guys are hilarious.

AITA: Secretly Recording A First Date

SPEAKER_00 39:34

I had too many to pick from. I literally was crying, okay. But this first one is in response to what? In response to the one where the wife wanted to open up the marriage marriage, and the husband wasn't, yeah. Then he realized he had motion. Yeah, she realized her husband had some real estate out there, and he pulled something that she wasn't expecting. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, he had to pop his collar.

SPEAKER_01 40:00

Calm down, player. The comment comes from Sean underscore uh 20720.

SPEAKER_00 40:07

That's okay. He says, Lord have mercy. Look at Peter. Bro, discovered he could walk on water after she told him to get out of the boat. Now she's sitting there with the paddles in her hand crying.

SPEAKER_01 40:22

That's hilarious.

SPEAKER_00 40:23

The walk on water part took me out. Now she's sitting there with his motion. He out there with his motion. And he living his best life, and now he don't care about her no more. And now she heartbroken.

SPEAKER_01 40:39

He's like, I can't do it now.

SPEAKER_00 40:41

And now he she's heartbroken because she ain't number one.

SPEAKER_01 40:43

Yeah. Peter was like, I can't do it no more. I just formed a new connection, boo. Sorry.

SPEAKER_00 40:47

The second comment comes from this is I believe this is on uh from YouTube.

SPEAKER_01 40:52

Okay. Nicole Meadows.

SPEAKER_00 40:55

And I don't know what video is, but this is obviously I always pick one about me. And she says, L O L. I'm sorry, she said L L L A L L. I swear I love the way her husband be responding to these questions. He says it with his whole chest. And ma'am, I do. I say it with my whole chest because I this is how I honestly feel. And I again I say a lot of times to the people they be like, oh, his ability's like it be my first time hearing these things. Yeah, it's a genuine reaction for him. It's like I be I'll be just as flabbergasted at y'all. Flabbergasted? Fabric. I'll be appalled.

SPEAKER_01 41:32

Fabric. You said fabricasted.

SPEAKER_00 41:34

And the last one comes from the video about uh O'Gro with her her family was a little intrusive and her mom.

SPEAKER_01 41:40

Oh, yeah, going through her bedroom and stuff, and her mom wanted a key. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:44

And uh um Tasha, Tasha says she locked in the wrong door.

SPEAKER_01 41:48

Hashtag front door. Right. Right. That means they can't come in at all.

SPEAKER_00 41:51

Lock the whole family out.

SPEAKER_01 41:52

Right. Don't have to worry about them coming to your bedroom if they're not in the house in the first place.

SPEAKER_00 41:56

Lock the whole family out.

SPEAKER_01 41:59

Um, all right, let's wrap it on up and head into our two cents.

SPEAKER_00 42:03

Our two cents.

SPEAKER_01 42:04

Um, am I the asshole for quitting a date on the spot?

SPEAKER_00 42:07

Oh, probably not. Let's get into it.

SPEAKER_01 42:09

Okay, I'm a 32 and I was on my first date with a 27-year-old woman. It was dinner at a patio style restaurant, and it was going well. I didn't like that she had put her phone on the table as soon as we arrived, but she wasn't checking on it. So I just said, whatever. The issue was drinks and appetizers arrived, and I moved her phone to give the waitress some space. The recording app was running. All right. And I reacted in shock. Why the f are you recording this? Then I stood up, paid for the meal, and I went home. She's now calling me an asshole and an abuser or abuser over social media. Her main point is that I left her there when he, when we obviously talked about me giving her a ride back home after the date. And also rude as hell for raising my voice and using swear words, which okay, I did, but it was a shocking experience, and I really think it was a natural reaction. But am I the asshole?

SPEAKER_00 43:09

I don't know about this one. Why? Okay, because maybe she was recording for her safety.

SPEAKER_01 43:15

She was in a public place.

SPEAKER_00 43:16

Yeah, I get that.

SPEAKER_01 43:18

Okay, but if if she if she was genuinely recording for her safety, I would have just said, hey, I hope you don't mind, but I'm recording.

SPEAKER_00 43:26

Right. Now just to let you know, because I need to be sick. I will say this. I don't think he's an asshole for leaving, because I would have left too.

SPEAKER_01 43:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 43:33

And he still paid.

SPEAKER_01 43:34

Yeah, he paid for the food and then he left.

SPEAKER_00 43:36

So you can get your Uber home.

SPEAKER_01 43:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 43:37

And I and ma'am, how did he abuse you? Because you had to just spend some money on the Uber?

SPEAKER_01 43:41

Yeah. Well, because he was her ride, and then she had to figure out other things.

SPEAKER_00 43:46

You know what? I mean, me personally. All I know is every time I hear stories like this, I'll be like, man, I'm happy I'm married. Right. Because I did what these single people be going through, Lord knows I don't want to deal with it. Look, it's not worth it. At all.

SPEAKER_01 44:00

It's it's I can't say that.

SPEAKER_00 44:02

What called Thomas say? At all, at all. What does he say? At all.

SPEAKER_01 44:08

Okay. Um, yeah. So me personally, I feel, I mean, my initial instinct is to say you're not the asshole.

SPEAKER_00 44:15

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 44:16

Because I'm trying to also think about it. This is what I'm saying. From a woman's perspective. This is what I'm gonna, I'm I'm not gonna say just from a woman's perspective. I'm just gonna say based off of the information that we have.

SPEAKER_02 44:27

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 44:28

I'm gonna say she was wrong, but this is why.

SPEAKER_02 44:31

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 44:32

How she went about it going on social media and adding extras makes me believe that she was recording so that if he didn't do anything that she expected him to do, she was gonna rag his ass on social media anyway.

SPEAKER_00 44:49

See, now now you said that. Sorry, you're not asshole at all.

SPEAKER_01 44:51

She was gonna rag his ass anyway. Yeah, okay. So, like if if she if he took her to a bad restaurant or if, you know, there was a cap on how much she could order or something he said that just rubbed her the wrong way, by her reacting the way she did, putting extras on it, saying he was abusive, you only been engaging with him for a few minutes before the food even came. So how was he abusive? Right. So if you were willing to put 10s on it, okay now. If you were willing to put 10s on it, she was she was already, I, in my opinion, she already had ill intentions to begin with, which is why she recorded. And I say that because there, I have been seeing a new wave of content of women whose content is ragging on men that had they have either gone on dates. Crazy after getting a free meal? Okay, so that's what I'm saying. I feel me personally, I don't think he was the asshole. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 45:42

Well, the way after you said that, I'm gonna just say this fudger.

SPEAKER_01 45:46

Okay. Okay, now that you said that, I'm gonna go.

SPEAKER_00 45:49

I gotta censor myself now. Okay, fudger. YouTube getting on my ass. Okay, bye. Fudger.

AITA: “Get A Job” And Money Expectations

SPEAKER_01 45:54

Yeah, so okay, last one. Am I the asshole for telling my wife that's why you should get a job? Okay. After she told me, people shop a lot more than she does. Okay. So my wife and I are in our late 30s. We've been married 13 years, and she's been a stay-at-home mom the whole time, um, other than a short period where she did Grubhub a few months.

SPEAKER_02 46:17

Oh, I thought this was mine.

SPEAKER_01 46:18

Um, she made the decision of being a stay-at-home mom because she quote unquote wanted to spend time with the kids and not miss anything. Even though when dating, she said that she wanted to work, and I expressed wanting to have a dual-income household. One child is mine biologically, the eldest is not. They are 14 and 11. Yesterday, my wife went to the mall shopping, and when she came back, she said, quote unquote, you should have seen all those people at the mall with their shopping bags spending 800 plus or more. And here I am only spending$100. I felt poor. I told her, Well, if you feel poor, maybe it's time for you to go get a job. She went silent and walked away. For reference, I make$130,000 a year at my job after taxes. And we live in a local city with modest expenses. I give her$1,000 a month. Hold on now. Just for fun money. Wait a minute. For herself. And she feels that it's not enough anymore. We have a separate fund for gifts. The fun money is purely fun. This trip to the mall was just shopping for herself. I could increase her allowance, but I think it's reasonable. So I just throw the extra money into our savings and investing. She's always saying how we should invest less and spend more, but I disagree. She always shows me her friends on vacation and their wives shopping or what new car their husbands bought them, etc. And I always say the same thing because most of those women work jobs. And she doesn't feel that it's necessary. Um, so I also don't feel that it's apples to apples in comparison. So am I the asshole? Hell no.

SPEAKER_00 48:07

No. First of all, can I get$1,000? Right. Wait a minute. It's a chopper.

SPEAKER_01 48:12

Right. Bop bop bop bop bop. It's a chopper.

SPEAKER_00 48:17

Okay, so here's my thing.

SPEAKER_01 48:18

Now I'm looking at you. I I feel like I feel like I money. I need a cool band or allowance.

SPEAKER_00 48:24

Because at first I thought this was you writing in. Trying to get the people to give me to give you my money. That's what I that's my first thought. Goodbye. That's my situation. Um, you know where your money goes. Your money goes to gymnastics.

SPEAKER_01 48:41

Right. It's a chopper. Blah, blah, blah. It's a chopper.

SPEAKER_00 48:45

That costs. Um, if she only had$100 to spend out of a thousand, where was the other uh$900?

SPEAKER_01 48:52

What is she doing with it in four weeks?

SPEAKER_00 48:55

Because that was money just for her. Now he said that he the money's separated, so he could they got money for the house, money for the separate. Yeah, everything, everything else is covered. Money for the kids separate.

SPEAKER_01 49:03

And he just he just gives her a thousand dollars.

SPEAKER_00 49:06

Okay, and then here's my question too. See, I need more info. Because if he's giving you a thousand, are you gonna she's spending the thousand?

SPEAKER_01 49:13

Are you getting child support for the other kid too?

SPEAKER_00 49:16

Oh because then that would be more than a thousand. I mean, but that would probably go to the kid. So I'm I don't know. I don't think you're an asshole at all.

SPEAKER_01 49:24

So I don't think you're an asshole.

SPEAKER_00 49:25

Me personally, I would decrease it.

SPEAKER_01 49:27

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 49:28

I would, I would put her, I would put her on a merit-based system.

SPEAKER_01 49:31

A merit-based system? She's not a child.

SPEAKER_00 49:35

The way she acting this, I would put her on a merit-based system and then uh allow her to uh in uh earn her her earnings based off her work throughout the month.

SPEAKER_01 49:44

Okay, Marie.

SPEAKER_00 49:45

So like what like so what she does in December will reflect on how much she gets.

SPEAKER_01 49:52

It's subjective only to you.

SPEAKER_00 49:55

Is that enough?

SPEAKER_01 49:56

It's not, it's my money. Use it when you need it. It's not your money though.

SPEAKER_00 50:03

It is, it isn't. It look it looked like he's thinking about the future. He's thinking about you want to be a good one.

SPEAKER_01 50:08

And she was like, I may not even be alive in the future. So let me spend my money. Let me spend my money the way I will. That's what she's saying. Let me spend my money the way I want to spend my money. I guess I'm you don't need to be doing all these imaginary investments.

SPEAKER_00 50:20

I guess I'm just different. I've never been the one with the whole keeper with the Joneses thing.

SPEAKER_01 50:25

Right. As long as I'm happy and comfortable, and I have what I like and what I need. Yeah, it's just right.

SPEAKER_00 50:30

I don't get it. I mean Do we have one more? No, that's it. Yeah, okay.

Closing And Listener CTA

SPEAKER_01 50:38

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