Life After I Do Podcast
Marriage and relationships can be tough. You may feel like you’re the only one struggling but you’re not. Life After I do is a weekly podcast where Morice and Kynesha, a black married millennial couple, share their experiences and advice on everything from kids and family to intimacy and connection. Noting is off limits.
In their 21 years together and 7 years of marriage, Morice and Kynesha have learned a lot about what it takes to make a relationship work. They know the importance of communication, trust and commitment. They also know it’s okay to not have it all figured out.
Join them every Wednesday as they talk about their own journey of “Life After I do”.
Life After I Do Podcast
Be His Peace, Not Chaos
What does it really mean to be your partner’s peace?
In this episode, we challenge the cliché and offer real conversation around emotional safety, tone, leadership through service, and the shared work of building a peaceful home. We also break down common misunderstandings about peace, and give practical tools to help both partners feel heard, safe, and respected—even in hard conversations.
Listener stories include a disappearing co-parent and an episode of quiet neglect that says a lot about presence, trust, and care.
If you’re ready to create a calmer relationship built on mutual understanding, this one’s for you.
Thanks for rocking with us! Don’t forget to follow Life After I Do so you never miss an episode. Got a relationship situation you want us to weigh in on? Hit us at https://linktr.ee/lifeafteridopodcast — we just might talk about it in a future episode.
We've had many conversations about um how uh strongly I speak sometimes.
SPEAKER_09:It's communication without the sass, without the uh pretend bass.
SPEAKER_02:The pretend you call it my bass preteen.
SPEAKER_09:Yes. I'm like, go ahead and turn your trouble back up because the bass ain't moving me. I don't know what you thought that was.
SPEAKER_03:But the bass ain't moving me. I be trying to get my point across.
SPEAKER_08:Yeah, but it don't work.
SPEAKER_03:Okay.
SPEAKER_08:It don't work, big bro.
SPEAKER_04:Because we I do I be having to dial it back sometimes. Like, I've apologized many times, have I not? Yes. About the way, like, there's sometimes there have been instances where we have had disagreements, and I know that I have come out of pocket and I have gone back to apologize to my husband. Not not necessarily apologizing for like how I was feeling and the words that I said, it was how I said it.
SPEAKER_09:Because I'll tell you all the time memory, when you put boy, when you put bass in your voice, as a big thing.
SPEAKER_01:Well, apparently I don't have bass.
SPEAKER_09:You don't. But when you attempt to put bass in your voice, that's a threat.
SPEAKER_04:Let's start it over. Go ahead.
SPEAKER_09:We can go late.
SPEAKER_04:Kick it back again. Run it back.
SPEAKER_09:Well, no, we're not.
SPEAKER_04:Can you run it back?
SPEAKER_09:Oh my God.
SPEAKER_04:Go ahead, run it back.
SPEAKER_09:Okay, here we go, people.
SPEAKER_04:Hey everybody, and welcome back to your weekly dose of the life after I do podcast.
SPEAKER_09:Laid. Bye, Maurice. I'm gonna keep all that too. Okay.
SPEAKER_04:I know you are. Hey, Foskies. Hi. How's your week? Good. I feel like I have Doritos in my mouth still in my teeth. Do you have any Doritos in my teeth?
SPEAKER_09:No, you want something else?
SPEAKER_04:I definitely have Dorito breath, though. So sorry.
SPEAKER_09:I'm gonna apologize to you in advance if I uh No, I'm gonna just send this to your trainer and let them know that you were eating off course.
SPEAKER_04:Um I ate 28 grams. Thank you very much. Okay. Who measures Doritos? That's wild. I measured my Doritos 28 grams for 150 calories. Okay. Put it under my snack.
SPEAKER_05:Under what?
SPEAKER_09:My snack. You are a snack.
SPEAKER_04:Now I'm on snack number three for the day, but that's neither here nor there.
SPEAKER_09:You are a snack. Looking like a whole snack.
SPEAKER_04:We all ain't able.
SPEAKER_09:Got my sugar up. I'm gonna need some insulin.
SPEAKER_04:Okay. You're doing too much.
SPEAKER_06:You always doing too much, and I don't know why. Why am I doing too much? People always say you do too much. You know what? You be doing too much. I love it. I can't help the way I love you. I can't either.
SPEAKER_04:I can't either. I love you though. Bye, Maurice. How's your week?
SPEAKER_09:It's it hasn't been a struggle this week.
SPEAKER_04:Oh my gosh, tell me about it. I want to hear.
SPEAKER_09:We lost to them bum ass cowboys.
SPEAKER_04:You talked all that shit last week.
SPEAKER_09:They let me down.
SPEAKER_04:And it came back to bite you in the ass.
SPEAKER_09:Gibson, you mother, you fumbled that ball. I could have threw my TV out the window. I was so mad at you.
SPEAKER_04:What's crazy is I was getting on board with you. Like I was genuinely upset and I didn't even know why.
SPEAKER_09:And I said, if I see this nigga in public, I got word.
SPEAKER_04:You're not.
SPEAKER_09:I'm not. You're not gonna see it. But I got word from. And then I got sick. Yeah. I'm getting over getting over a cold. Yeah. So I ain't been to the gym or nothing. Crazy work. And this morning your daughter was like, Dad, are you still sick? I was like, I feel a little better. Okay, I'll give you a hug today.
SPEAKER_04:Crazy. You've been trying to get hugs and kisses all week. And we've been like, that's crazy work. Because you over there coughing and sneezing. What makes you think we want to do it?
SPEAKER_09:Crazy because when y'all are sick, y'all be all over me.
SPEAKER_04:That first of all, if I'm sick, everyone tries to avoid, well, not everyone. You. You try to avoid me like that.
SPEAKER_09:I'll try to avoid both of y'all when y'all get sick.
SPEAKER_04:When she or I are sick. If you be a runner, I'll be a track star. When she's sick or I sick, we just we just deal with the consequences. We be cuddled up. Yeah. We don't really care.
SPEAKER_09:I will sleep on the couch. I will sleep in my room. I will hand y'all food through the door.
SPEAKER_04:We be over there sharing spoons.
SPEAKER_09:Crazy work. Crazy. Let me know when you have two days, no symptoms. I'll come back sleep in the bed.
SPEAKER_04:Two days, no symptoms.
SPEAKER_09:Yeah, so I it was, it's it's been it's been a uh it's been a whatever kind of week. But I am excited because I'm about to be fat as hell.
SPEAKER_06:Oh, birthday. Tomorrow.
SPEAKER_09:Y'all hearing this. We're recording on Tuesday. Y'all hearing this on Wednesday. I'm gonna be eat eating on Thursday because I'm I don't give a f about no goddamn meal plan, no, no, no uh calorie restriction.
SPEAKER_04:I'm going in fall out the door.
SPEAKER_09:And it's going out the door uh the second I pick up that uh it's actually going off the door through the weekend because of the leftovers. Right. It's going out the door the second I pick up that the sweet potato pie cheesecake.
SPEAKER_04:Right.
SPEAKER_09:When I look here.
SPEAKER_04:I just I just look forward to the uh dressing touch in my mac and cheese with a little bit of cranberry on side.
SPEAKER_09:Follow the one of the best things I've gotten being.
SPEAKER_04:Okay, you're finna be disrespectful and I'm finna hit you.
SPEAKER_09:Is our is our joint cousin Chelsea?
SPEAKER_04:Our joint cousin? Don't hold my hand, get away from me.
SPEAKER_09:Our joint cousin Chelsea. She's my cousin with with our beautiful little cousin um Kaya.
SPEAKER_04:Goodbye. Our joint cousin. Goodbye. Your cousin in love.
SPEAKER_09:Okay, your cousin. When she makes that that sweet tell the pie cheesecake for me.
SPEAKER_00:Beautiful.
SPEAKER_09:Beautiful. I believe Chelsea.
SPEAKER_04:And I don't have to, I don't think I'm gonna have to worry about there being leftovers because there's gonna be so many people in the house.
SPEAKER_09:Uh that's the one part that's stressing me out. You know I don't like being a lot of people.
SPEAKER_04:So you bet, but you better be able to get your channel. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And then you can before you even before you even talk about it's yours, it is not yours. I'm not buying, I didn't buy this. It is not yours. You didn't.
SPEAKER_09:I did not buy this for the master season. This is my pop.
SPEAKER_04:Yes, you did. Yes, you did. You're not gonna sit here and eat a whole cheesecake. I'm not even gonna let you.
SPEAKER_09:I'm not gonna argue with you about this. How's your week, Booskies?
SPEAKER_04:Uh, my my week was delightful. It doesn't matter.
SPEAKER_09:Let's keep it on.
SPEAKER_04:And this is exactly why the Eagles lost. Because your attitude. Wow. Wow. Just when you thought you just when you thought you had a friend, huh?
SPEAKER_09:Just when I was coming around to women's basketball.
SPEAKER_04:Okay.
unknown:Get the fucking microphone.
SPEAKER_09:Just when I was coming.
SPEAKER_04:Just when I was coming around to women's basketball. Is that supposed to hurt me? That's crazy work. Is that supposed to hurt me?
SPEAKER_09:It was a joke. It was a joke, people.
SPEAKER_04:Goodness gracious. You might enjoy women's basketball.
SPEAKER_09:Yeah, for other reasons. Okay. You're just you're just rude. It's a lot of it is a lot of beautiful women that you're just rude.
SPEAKER_04:Why I can't I can't find a woman. You're rude. I can't find a woman attracted. Anyways, my week was delightful. Skylar. It was good. Do you want to hear about my week or not? Or are you fake caring today? Let me know. Are you fake caring today?
SPEAKER_09:Um, let me see. Start talking, I'll tell you. How are you gonna start off with it?
SPEAKER_04:Can't stand you.
SPEAKER_09:How are you gonna start off with it?
SPEAKER_04:My week started with the bang bang bang. Okay. No, it actually didn't. But it was a good week. I can't complain. Um, I had a pretty decent week. That's good. Um, you know, the kid is off of is out of school, so stressing me out. I don't know why it's stressing you out.
SPEAKER_09:Because she is, she literally has eaten seven pounds of roast beef in two days.
SPEAKER_04:Which is crazy because when I pick her up from school all the time, she always gets in the car with a half-eaten lunch. But then when you at home, you think you're supposed to eat every 10 minutes. Eat her whole. I was like, boo, no, we do activities around here.
SPEAKER_09:No, from last week? I'm gonna show you.
SPEAKER_04:Why? What was in there?
SPEAKER_09:I'm gonna show you what's in there.
SPEAKER_04:I saw the one from the day the day before. I didn't show you what's in there when we should. She left all the all the fruit in there, and I don't know where she got like a uh a peach, um, like ice cream popsicle. And that's what I'd be asking her too. I'll be like, girl, how you be coming home with stuff that I did not put in? And then she'd be like, oh, because I got it from the snack bin. We have had conversations about you going in the snack bin. Stop eating from the snack bin. At this point, I'm gonna have to protest. Like, I know the snack bin is for is good purposes, you know, for all the children, but I'm gonna be like, I think my kid is eating way too many snacks out the snack bin. Y'all gonna have to close the snack bin down or y'all gonna have to regulate it. Because obviously the snack bin ain't regulated. According to Michelle, they're not. Yeah, they're not, it's not regulated, so the kids can just go up there and grab snacks at any given way.
SPEAKER_09:I'm gonna just I'm gonna just show you um everything that's in her uh thing. I don't want to see it. I'm gonna show it. When you see it, you're gonna be mad. Then I don't want to see it. Oh no, you're gonna see it.
SPEAKER_04:Oh no, you're gonna see it.
SPEAKER_09:Because if I had to see it, I gotta see it. Because we have T-set.
SPEAKER_04:You refuse to be upset alone, huh?
SPEAKER_06:We a T-set. That's crazy. You know? You shouldn't want your upset. What is the handle without the sprout? You you shouldn't want your wife upset. That's crazy.
SPEAKER_09:On the contrary, I like when you're upset because it turns me on. That's crazy. What we got today, Booskies.
SPEAKER_04:It's funny that you said that, that you like to see me upset.
SPEAKER_09:Okay. Okay. Not like upset. Like upset. I like I like when you get a little sassy. Uh-huh. So a little too my way. Okay. Like I said, you look so cute when you get mad. I'm like, look at her. Just mad. Wow.
SPEAKER_04:I didn't even finish my week, but if you don't care, I'm sorry. Um I don't really have anything to report though, honestly, because you know, my week was pretty basic, pretty routine.
SPEAKER_09:Well, I figured your weeks were starting getting less and less, you know, full activity because you gotta go back to the workshop soon.
SPEAKER_04:The workshop, Marisa, I'm not a goddamn elf. Shut the hell up. I'm not a goddamn elf.
SPEAKER_09:They say everybody fired too, and I don't gotta report. Santa's gonna need you.
SPEAKER_04:I really don't like you.
SPEAKER_09:Santa's gonna need you, and then you know right before um Valentine's Day, Willie's gonna start calling for you too.
SPEAKER_04:Who the hell is Willie? Willie Walker? Yeah, Mr. Walker. I'm so over you right now. Mr. Walker's.
SPEAKER_06:I'm so over you. I'm so over you.
SPEAKER_04:Anyways, I had a great week. Thanks for asking and not caring. I did care. Yeah, I had a good week. It was consistent. Nothing to report, nothing to report out of the ordinary. Um you didn't tell people how your quads are bigger. My quads are bigger, guys. They are. Yeah. That's pretty cool.
SPEAKER_09:Getting them gains in. Imagine how big they'd be if you actually ate your potion everything.
SPEAKER_04:I feel like my calves might be suffering a little bit. They're not suffering. I don't know if it's just body dysmorphia.
SPEAKER_09:Yeah, it is.
SPEAKER_04:Because I didn't think I suffered from such a thing.
SPEAKER_09:You know what? You're not gonna get into that. What do we got today? I see where this is going, but we're not gonna get into that.
SPEAKER_04:Okay, so we have a lot of new uh booskies to the family. Welcome, booskies. Appreciate it. Um, and thank you guys for utilizing the email as much as you do with your questions and your like submissions. We really appreciate it. So it's a lot, hold on.
SPEAKER_09:It's a lot easier to track them in the email than it is on Instagram. Yes. So we can't, it's too much. Yeah. So if you have submitted something on Instagram, we haven't read it, we probably can't find it.
SPEAKER_04:Bye. Sorry. We probably can't find it. Goodbye. But that's what the email is for. Um, but some of the things that are coming up again is things that we've touched on, you know, previous and in the past.
SPEAKER_09:You ever evolve in circles?
SPEAKER_04:Right. And so with uh the new booskies and the questions, and I understand that some episodes are a little bit down further, you know, than some of the reasons. Okay, bye Maurice. Um, but anyway, we we've been getting questions about this one particular topic, which we've briefly touched on before. Okay, but coming back around is about being your man's peace. What does that mean in a relationship?
SPEAKER_09:I know you don't know about it.
SPEAKER_04:What does I'm going to harm you? I'm going to harm you. See? I'm gonna harm you with love. Yeah, love and violence. I'm gonna harm you with love.
SPEAKER_09:Why is it always the marriage?
SPEAKER_04:Um, but what does that mean from like the male perspective? And what does that mean from the female perspective? Oh Lord. So what does what does what does a man mean when he says he wants peace?
SPEAKER_09:Are you asking me that question?
SPEAKER_04:I'm gonna ask you first. I feel like what does that mean to you?
SPEAKER_09:That depends on the man.
SPEAKER_04:Okay, but okay, but overall. For me in particular, but let's speak in generals for a little bit, okay?
SPEAKER_09:I don't like speaking in general. I like to talk about me. Listen. Because I'm not, I'm I'm not the same as everybody else.
SPEAKER_04:I understand that. But if you're having the conversation amongst like your friends, your married friends, or whatever, you're you know, you and your man group, when you all speak about you want peace, like you want peace in your home, you want peace, I don't know, like as the general understanding, what does a man saying he wants peace indicate? Like is that what does that mean?
SPEAKER_09:I feel like they if they want to be in an in a uh environment where they feel loved and respected, okay, but but above all appreciate it.
SPEAKER_05:Okay, right?
SPEAKER_09:And they want to be around someone that doesn't just necessarily just bring problems, but also helps take the problems off the board.
SPEAKER_04:You mean like helping with solutions?
SPEAKER_09:Solutions, right? Like, so like don't just address me with a problem. Address me with a problem. And if you have a possible solution, if you can make one, that's also great.
SPEAKER_05:Okay.
SPEAKER_09:I'm not saying I'm not that mean me personally, I don't think that's necessarily needed because I think part of my job as a leader is to solve the goddamn problems.
SPEAKER_04:I mean, it's the crown. You said it, not me.
SPEAKER_09:Um, but at the same time, I do feel like um in general, they want and they want they want an environment in in which there's a a sense of ease as far as even during like the difficult conversations, generally, general speaking. Now, I know that there are extremes to this because you got some dudes that are just wilding, and their definition of peace is service certain as a as damn near slavery.
SPEAKER_04:Um talk about it.
SPEAKER_09:Okay, you wild.
SPEAKER_04:Ah, talk about it.
SPEAKER_09:Um, and you have the other side of that where, you know, opposite.
SPEAKER_04:Uh the other side of that is opposite.
SPEAKER_09:But I do, I feel like, I feel like I I lean more towards I'm not, I don't I would say I would lean towards more towards the other opposite side of that, but not too uh out there on the uh scale.
SPEAKER_04:Okay. So do you think that it is a man's responsibility to create the peace that he seeks? Yes. Okay, I do. And especially like in what in the in the relationship, in the household, I do, like in every aspect of life, right?
SPEAKER_09:I do because like I always say, as the leader, I am hereby in control and responsible for the dynamic of every relationship and every outcome and every activity that goes on under my leadership. So I cannot say I'm in charge and then take no accountability for the things that are not going. And like I always said before, and my understanding is if there is something happening that that I don't want to happen or not happening in the fashion or the speed in which I need it to happen, my initial response is that I have not communicated properly to my family.
SPEAKER_05:Or led by example.
SPEAKER_09:Or led by example, what needs to be done.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah.
SPEAKER_09:So I can't just bar that's the thing about a leadership. There's there's there's there's multiple types of leader.
SPEAKER_05:Right, right.
SPEAKER_09:But I feel like the leadership that works, especially in a relationship, is like you said, is a leadership that leads by example. I cannot expect something from you that I am not willing to give myself. Correct. Or showcase. Right. Right. So if I want you to be accountable, you have to hold yourself down. Ding, ding, ding.
SPEAKER_04:So what do you accountable? So what do you what do you think about the statements or phrases that some men make saying, I want a woman to bring peace to my life. I don't want a woman to bring I want her to bring I don't I want her to bring peace. See, I don't know. Because I can tell you what that sounds like to me.
SPEAKER_09:Okay, I don't, I don't, I don't necessarily, I don't necessarily believe a woman can bring can or cannot bring peace. Right? I believe that that woman brings with her the dynamics of of the of the experience of the life that she has had to that moment, right? And this goes back to the conversation we had. You have to instruct her as as as well as she instructs you on how each other needs to be loved and how each other communicates, and how the how you want the structure of the relationship to be. So because if she's used to toxicity, right, and you confront her, that's that's why I'm saying you have to confront her about these things when they happen in the moment.
SPEAKER_04:Hey, hey, we're not doing that over here.
SPEAKER_09:Like, like, like on Black Panther, we don't do that here.
SPEAKER_04:Bye. We don't we don't we don't do that here, we don't do that here.
SPEAKER_09:We don't do that here. So we get we gotta that's so it's again I say this, and a lot of guys don't agree with me, and they always say I'm pandering or I'm gonna pick me, whatever, but you set the tone. Right. So I if if if you um do not set the tone and you don't lay the ground rules and then back up what you say with intention, yeah, then you are to blame. And if you are uh let me say this way, you should not be entertaining a woman that cannot meet your standards. Standards go both ways. As men, you are you should have standards, as women, you should have standards. Right. And you should not involve yourself with anyone that doesn't meet your standards.
unknown:Huh.
SPEAKER_04:Okay. I mean, I I guess I can kind of wrap my head around.
SPEAKER_09:Some of these people's standards, you out here, as they say, you out here shopping for champagne with beer money.
SPEAKER_04:Hey, listen.
unknown:Okay.
SPEAKER_09:You looking for crystal when you sometimes for crystall when you can barely uh afford Mikelos. Some sometimes you out here with with still reserve money.
SPEAKER_06:Okay, bye, Maurice. Goodbye.
SPEAKER_04:Goodbye. Um, okay, so still like when when I hear when I hear the phrase I want a woman to bring peace to my life, from my perspective is what I'm hearing is that you don't know how to create peace for yourself.
SPEAKER_09:Here's my thing on that, right? I hear what you're saying, yeah. But when I hear that, I don't see my thing is this I don't think it's a woman's job to bring peace. Okay. I think as a man, if you bring stability, the peace will come.
SPEAKER_04:Exactly.
SPEAKER_09:Right so you have to show up with your package and put together. Okay, and then the peace will come through the stability. Because if she's not if she's not stressing over the basic necessities of life, yeah. If she's not or in a chaotic situation, if she's not stressing about what you're doing or what you could be doing, or who you could be through. Yeah, if you're doing everything you can, you have the structure where she feels safe, she feels love and she feels respect and she feels needed, naturally peace will come.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_09:So you are the driving force. Usually, look, usually. But you are the driving force behind the peace you see. Right.
SPEAKER_04:So, okay. So that goes back to like when you said earlier about being the leader. My biggest thing is is like I tell you, when I hear a man say, I want to, I want a woman who brings peace to my life, the first thing that goes off for me is do you not know how to create peace for yourself? Right. Because if you're looking for me to come in and just magically just, you know, solve your problem, just solve everything, you know, which here's the thing. I can do that for you, right? I can come in and assist you and assist, not solve that part. Say it again. Assist. I can come in and assist you in your life that could make that could be.
SPEAKER_09:We all need a helpmate.
SPEAKER_04:Right. That could help your life to be a bit easier, right? Or a bit man more manageable or whatever. But like how you said being the leader, right? You leading by example is gonna be really the big key. So you can't be coming into the house and creating chaos and creating uproar, not knowing how to control your emotions, yelling and screaming all the time, getting down on everybody, but then you want me to be peaceful and create a calming home for you. A person and create a calming environment. Right. That's not how that works at all. So if you can't create that for yourself, if you can't be in a state of mind where you can create structure, which also because usually for me, when I feel like there's no peace, it's because there's no structure, there's no foundation. When things feel like it's all over the place, you it's hard to feel calm. It's hard to feel peaceful in that, right? Okay, I was gonna say so. So when you say, like, oh, I want a woman to bring peace to my life, what aspect of your life are you creating that for yourself first? Right. So that I can come in and further assist you in possibly the other areas or assist you in in making what you already know how to do better.
SPEAKER_09:See, here's my thing. When I think about this more, I always also feel like the men, the majority of men that ask for peace are the ones who have not done the work and healing themselves to understand who they are, or don't recognize their own faults, their own faults, yeah, and how they contribute to the chaos in their life. Or even more, don't recognize their own needs. Because I had my therapist ask me, what do you need?
SPEAKER_05:Right.
SPEAKER_09:And I literally I was dumbfounded because I couldn't answer the question.
SPEAKER_04:Right. Like when like when you were asked how how do you feel supported? Yeah, and you got stumped, right?
SPEAKER_09:Because, but again, as men, these are not questions or things that we ponder upon. Yeah, but but these are things that we should ponder on. Yeah, because we as men, we we have to take the mental health journey upon ourselves to discover ourselves and and stand on our morals to understand what what we need. So now here, Maurice at 20 had a different set of had a whole different outlook on life as than Maurice at 39.
SPEAKER_04:Right. And your needs were different too.
SPEAKER_09:I can tell you definitely now what my needs are, what I expect from you.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah.
SPEAKER_09:At 20, I'm like, You're cool. As long as you as long as I'm happy and you busting it open, I guess we can work it out. You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_03:But I guess everything can work out from there.
SPEAKER_09:But at 39, that list is a lot longer than two. There's there's more than two items on the list of what I need. Yeah. Right. But also at 39, I also understand that what I have to be for you. Right. Because, like I was gonna say, is I cannot expect you to pick up on my needs and wants without one, communicating them, and without two, creating an environment to where you're peaceful enough within yourself to see me.
SPEAKER_05:Right.
SPEAKER_09:And not only see your problems.
SPEAKER_05:Right.
SPEAKER_09:Because if you're in an environment where you both are dealing with internal problems or you're dealing with problems each other in the relationship, how can you expect her to see your point of view if she is still fighting her own internal, her own internal fight about the relationship? Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:You know what I mean? Or walking on eggshells because uh afraid of how you're gonna react to something.
SPEAKER_09:So it's like everything, in my opinion, starts with the leader. And as a man, if you have deemed yourself the leader, you have to learn how to navigate the roles in the relationship. Because just because you're a leader, I mean that's your only role. Right. You know, I'm I'm a leader, but I'm also a husband. Right. I'm also a father. And so I have to learn how to be a tailgate, uh, a care a caretaker. I have to learn how to step in and learn our are learn how to do things that I'm not maybe familiar with, right? Or embrace concepts that I wouldn't even think about.
SPEAKER_05:Right.
SPEAKER_09:Right? It's about expanding who I who or what I uh originally thought I could or possibly do or or who I uh was. I have to expand that in order to see the brighter picture because, like I say all the time, there comes times where I don't see things the way you see them because your your background is different, your thought process is different. My thought process is different.
SPEAKER_04:And what I bring to how we solve problems is different.
SPEAKER_09:Right.
SPEAKER_04:So like when the angle is different. And when you have I don't know, listen. Okay, hold on. Wait a minute. I feel as though, and and and I've seen, you know, the video, social media, it is a lot of responsibility to be like the leader, right? Most definitely, right? Because there is there's the other side of that that I have seen where men complain about how it's unfair that, you know, basically I have to put my feelings on the back burner just to ensure that she that she, you know, that she feels good or that she has things or don't. She doesn't have to bring anything to the table. Hold on, she doesn't have to bring anything to the table, but I'm expected to do X, Y, and Z. But not understanding that you taking the leadership role means you taking on probably a lot more to create to create what it is that you are seeking. And instead of just looking at it from the perspective of you're like putting yourself down on the sword and you get nothing out of the deal. And the only thing is just making sure she's comfortable, just making sure she's happy, just making sure. If you are making sure she's happy, she's comfortable, she's calm, she's stable. If she is a team player, she is for you, you're gonna get that back tenfold because that is naturally what's what's inside of us to do. You know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_09:Like unless she's just a piece of shit.
SPEAKER_04:Unless she, unless she yo ah.
SPEAKER_09:Right. Is she your right?
SPEAKER_04:Unless she yo ah. Right. You know what I'm saying? Because as you're saying all of that, and when you know my view about like the whole leadership thing, and it's like, yes, you are the leader. So even when you're having a bad day, that doesn't give you the right to come in and shit on the team because you're having a bad day and talking to the team crazy, but then you expect the team to be there for you emotionally. You expect the team to make you a dinner plate, um, you know, with with a happy face. You expect the team to still want to make you feel good physically at night. That is not how that works. That is not how that works. But if you come in and you can express, like, hey, it's been a rough day.
SPEAKER_00:Rough.
SPEAKER_04:It hasn't been the greatest. You know what? Let me make sure you get something to eat. Let me calm you down for a second. Let's talk about it. You don't feel like talking about it. Okay, let's watch a movie or something. Like, I know what my babe likes. Let me give him a little massage or something. But do you see how the difference like you didn't have you didn't have to sacrifice how you were feeling and just say, you know what, I'm I'm feeling this way and there's nothing there for me. There's no outlet for me because I'm the leader, so I just have to hold it all in. You can still have all that and express how you're feeling and what you need. And in a way that's going to make your partner, your wife, your girlfriend be like, you know what? This is where I can step in. Right. This is where I need to be the other half. This is where I need to meet him. This is what he needs right here in this. And that's gonna come naturally if she's not your op.
SPEAKER_09:Right. I agree. I would agree with everything. I agree with that.
SPEAKER_04:And that's the piece.
SPEAKER_09:I would I agree with everything you just said, but I also say this there you can have an understanding and not agree.
SPEAKER_04:Absolutely.
SPEAKER_09:Absolutely. That is probably one of the biggest things that we uh have achieved in in our marriage, is that we don't agree on a lot of things. Most of the things. But we have an understanding.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah.
SPEAKER_09:And it we don't downplay each other's feelings on whatever sad topic is. Right. But we understand, okay, this is how she feels, right? This is how I feel. Right. This is the understanding that we have, this is what we're going with. Yeah. I may not agree with the understanding, you may not agree with the understanding.
SPEAKER_04:And I'm not gonna agree with the decision that's made, but I'm gonna roll with it because I also have to trust my team captain. Right. And if shit goes to shalou, it's my fault. We're gonna talk about it, but it's gonna be your fault.
SPEAKER_09:Right? And it it and even if I made the decision, it went with the route you wanted to.
SPEAKER_04:Right, and it and it was a shitty decision.
SPEAKER_09:It's still whose fault? My fault. But you know, but we worked through it because part of being the leader is taking accountability for everything that goes on. Yeah, you can't just take accountability for the good, right? Right? Right? You can't say, Oh, well, I paid the mortgage. Okay, good congratulations. Okay, you you went to work and you you provided shelter for your family.
SPEAKER_04:You did what you would do even if you didn't have a family, right? Congratulations.
SPEAKER_09:But but you paid the mortgage, but have you noticed the change in your child this week?
SPEAKER_05:Right.
SPEAKER_09:Have you noticed the change in your wife's demeanor this week?
SPEAKER_05:Right.
SPEAKER_09:Have you noticed that your child is quick to anger anger this week? Have you noticed your wife your child is struggling here? Right. Have you noticed that your wife hasn't been has had hasn't had the same spunk that she normally has, right? Right. So like it leadership is more about just making sure things get done. Yeah, it's about constantly uh uh uh uh looking out at the climate of your household and your relationship and making the necessary adjust uh adjustments to make sure that everyone is functioning at the level they need to function.
SPEAKER_04:And like I said, that's that's a lot. Oh that's like I'm I'm not going to, I don't want to undermine or take away the amount of weight that that places on you know the leader, the man, whatever. But that's not to say that it's still not pressure for the other half, too. And that's why it's it's work it's working together. That's where the partnership comes in at. But when you when you ask to be the leader, because like I always tell you, you asked me. You asked me to be here. I mean, now today, in today's age.
SPEAKER_09:All right. Well, I didn't necessarily ask you.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, you didn't? What did you do?
SPEAKER_09:I was bewitched by that ass. You know what you did. You know what you did. Okay. I was just living my life.
SPEAKER_04:Women peace equals mental rest, emotional safety, soft communication. Talk to me nicely. What's talk to me about soft communication? Because we this has come up in our relationship quite a bit. I mean, we have we have issues. I don't want to say issues, but we've had many conversations about um how uh strongly I speak sometimes.
SPEAKER_09:It's communication without the sass, without the uh pretend bass.
SPEAKER_02:The pretend you call it my bass pretend.
SPEAKER_09:Yes. I'm like, go ahead and turn your trouble back up because the bass ain't moving me. I don't know what you thought that was.
SPEAKER_03:But the bass ain't moving me. You know? I be trying to get my point across.
SPEAKER_08:Yeah, but it don't work.
SPEAKER_03:Okay.
SPEAKER_08:It don't work, big bro.
SPEAKER_04:Because what we I do, I be having to dial it back sometimes. Like, I've apologized many times, have I not? Yes. About the way, like, there's sometimes there have been instances where we have had disagreements, and I know that I have come out of pocket and I have gone back to apologize to my husband. Not not necessarily apologizing for like how I was feeling and the words that I said, it was how I said it.
SPEAKER_09:Because I tell you all the time, memory when you put boy, when you put bass in your voice, as a as a big boy.
SPEAKER_01:Well, apparently I don't have bass.
SPEAKER_09:You don't. But when you attempt to put bass in your voice, that's a threat. That's a threat tone.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_09:But so now I'm not listening to you at all. It's like, are we squaring up?
SPEAKER_04:Okay, because I'm gonna beat your.
SPEAKER_09:Because if you want the smoke, I'm here for it.
SPEAKER_04:You ain't said nothing but a word.
SPEAKER_09:I didn't start it, but I can finish it. I know. Don't, don't, don't let that that uh was it, 385 deadlift fool you. Goodbye. I'm gonna toss your ass to the ground because it's different. Like we say, functional strength is different. Yeah, I know. Because when I get up, when I hop on your ass.
SPEAKER_06:You ain't gonna hop up on me.
SPEAKER_09:Unless you ask for it.
SPEAKER_06:Okay.
SPEAKER_09:Bye.
SPEAKER_04:Um, peace also equals partnership without warfare.
SPEAKER_09:And I think that's the that's the key one.
SPEAKER_04:That's the key one.
SPEAKER_09:They don't we don't want warfare.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah. No, I don't think nobody does that.
SPEAKER_09:We don't want to walk into a constant uh uh war where we're constantly fighting and trying to position our foothold to have an upper hand. See, if you gotta constantly try to have an upper hand with somebody, right? That's your op. You should be with it.
SPEAKER_04:Look, that's your op. That's your opinion. That's your op. Because I also I also am a firm believer that you create the energy and the vibe in your household. Well, you do a bad job. You know what? I'm talking about you.
unknown:Oop.
SPEAKER_04:Look at you. Look at you. And that oop. And I oop. Okay, because you you you the leader, you the team captain.
SPEAKER_09:They know that's captain how much you love you here.
SPEAKER_04:Bye. You the leader, you the team captain, right? When you come, when you come into the home, when you come into the space, uh-huh, just like if if I'm here and it's like it's just me, or if it's just me here, like it's my energy. Whatever energy I'm feeding off, giving off, that's the energy the house is gonna pick up. Same rules apply for you. Okay. When you come in off of a 12, 14-hour shift, whatever energy you're dishing out.
SPEAKER_09:I'm dishing out sleepy energy. I'm dishing out words of the pillow. That's what I'm dishing out.
SPEAKER_04:That that's the energy you're gonna be.
SPEAKER_09:No night will need it.
SPEAKER_04:That's the energy you're gonna get back. When you're in the when you're in the space, that's the energy you're gonna get back. But you know what that just made me think about.
SPEAKER_09:Okay, but don't point at me.
SPEAKER_04:Sorry. You know what that just made me think about? Remember how we were just talking about uh there was that video that I had saw, but then you showed it to me about when she was saying she don't know what it is about when her husband is home. Yeah, nothing, she can't do nothing. But when he's gone, she can clean the house, the kids are settled. And I was telling you, have I not always said that to you? Like when you're home, all structure goes out the door.
SPEAKER_09:I don't know why, because I don't be in the way.
SPEAKER_04:You know what it is? Because I'm here, because you're here. And when you're you when you are like here, if you're not working, you're like relaxing. Oh, when you're relaxing, so when I'm relaxing, you gotta relax, huh? Is that what it is? Subconsciously, my mind is like, well, you don't have to do anything either. Okay.
SPEAKER_02:So I don't.
SPEAKER_09:Okay.
SPEAKER_02:And that is why it just dawns on me. So from the case. Because that's the energy you're giving up.
SPEAKER_09:So what I'm so what I'm hearing is I just need to leave once a day.
SPEAKER_04:You can either leave or you can move around in the house doing things. Okay. And it can inspire everybody else to do things. I wasn't here though.
SPEAKER_09:Oh, see, see, see, so what are 10 points of what women think about.
SPEAKER_04:So, okay, some of some of the main points of how women, when women hear a man saying he wants peace for them, right? Okay, come on. Um, this one is is what I've said before. It means you just don't want me to disagree. That's not true at all. I know, but I'm not saying whether it's true or whether it's not true. That's how you feel. I'm saying that from a female's perspective, when you say, Oh, I just want you to be my peace, because we've had this discussion before about when the whole nagging issue, right? Lord Jesus. When I come to you with a problem or something, or if I come to you and I need to discuss my feelings or something, if you're not in the right headspace, you take it as me nagging. So there was getting listen, listen. All right, Linda. Right, stop it. Um, but that's how I felt. When if I would come because if you're feeling so overwhelmed and I come to you with something else, now it's like another, another, you know, course on the on the dinner plate that you don't necessarily feel like dealing with right now. So now it's just me nagging. Or if it's something that you can't fix or something you can't take care of right now, it's just, it's just me, like it's just me nagging, right? So when we talk about being your piece, it's like, okay, you don't want me to come to you with any issues. You don't want me to disagree with you when you when you have, babe, whether it's true or not, um the perspective. Um, you don't want me to come with you, come to you with issues or new problems to solve. You don't want me to disagree with you because we've talked about, we've had this discussion too about the pushback, where sometimes you will tell me one thing, but then when I start questioning it, you know, like you've said before, sometimes I don't need you to question it. Sometimes I just need you to move. Right. Right, exactly. But not wanting me to disagree. Sometimes it ain't time to disagree.
SPEAKER_09:We can talk about it.
SPEAKER_04:Listen, sometimes it ain't time to disagree. But like I say, but that's what I'm saying. But when but when women do that, some men view that as her being combative. Some women, some men view that as her not listening, her not being a good partner, and that's not peace. And I want a woman who brings me peace.
SPEAKER_09:Let me ask you this to clear this up for the people. How often do I just say, hey, this is what it is? I'm not gonna talk about it.
SPEAKER_04:It's not very often, but it's happened before.
SPEAKER_09:That's it. It's not what?
unknown:Okay.
SPEAKER_09:I don't want people out here thinking I'm just forcing you around.
SPEAKER_04:You and your ego. You've got to check it out the door. Your ego. Um, you want emotional labor without emotional return. Okay. That's not true. So why do you keep saying anything? It's not true. Why good? I'm talking about for me. Um women fear that asking him for comfort uh while he stays emotionally unavailable is like not a thing.
SPEAKER_09:So you should be able to ask him for comfort. I try to be available to you at all.
SPEAKER_04:You should. Um him saying like the whole piece thing, him wanting a relationship to be drama free, but only on his terms.
SPEAKER_09:That's wild.
SPEAKER_04:That's wild, but that is that is absolutely true. You can't I bring drama to you? Not you, I'm not. Oh my gosh, everything is not directed at you. You're not telling me that's what I tell you. Men and their egos.
SPEAKER_09:Um because if your woman is all in an uproar, okay, which is she most of the time woman and art ego, but I don't there's no fork near me, so I'm not gonna um if she's all in an uproar, right?
SPEAKER_04:She's chaotic, she's um emotionally unstable, she's all this and that. Being a woman, that's not bringing peace to his life. Okay, being a woman. But he comes in and he's hooting and hollering, talking about how the world is against him. He's ranting and raving. You just want me to just let you do your thing. Not me personally. I know, but I'm just saying, he just wants to be able to do his thing.
SPEAKER_09:He wants to be able to trauma dump and walk away.
SPEAKER_04:He yeah, he wants to be able to do his thing, and then I'm just supposed to be stone faced, but supportive and strong and shut it up and say nothing with no like no base, with no base, no nothing. Just be there to coddle you square, just to be there and coddle you and just like that's it. That's all you want. But when it's the other way around, you can't deal with that because you're doing too much. All right. Um, let's see. Uh you want uh you want me to regulate my emotions without you having to regulate regulate yours.
SPEAKER_08:That's crazy work.
SPEAKER_04:Okay, it's it's true though. Um, you want a caretaker more than a partner.
SPEAKER_09:Is that about me or are you speaking in general stuff? In general. Okay.
SPEAKER_04:I'm just asking. That for for for me, when I hear that, that's that's one that really sticks out. Oh, you want to do it? You want you want a caretaker, not a partner. You want somebody who's going to almost we've we've said this before. You almost want your mother in your woman. I know you don't.
SPEAKER_09:I do not.
SPEAKER_04:But I'm saying, even if it's subconsciously. Okay. Right? Even if it's subconsciously, that isn't the way that most men would probably like view it or try to describe it, what it is they're asking for. Uh-huh. But that's essentially like what it is. You want me to take you in, like, cuddle you a little bit, a little more cabinet. You know, but not like not like a partner, not like us trying to tackle an issue together, and we got to have some back and forth. Or, you know, no, you know what I'm saying? Because there is a time and a place to- I hear what you're saying.
SPEAKER_09:I don't know what you're saying. I'm done with you. I'm done.
SPEAKER_04:Um, you want positivity 24-7. Okay. Women here, no venting, no processing, no stress allowed. Lord. Again. I wish you would hear this. Again, coming to coming to a man. Nagging. Everything is chucked up to nagging. Not everything. Everything, majority of it, because there's there's there's men out there who, like we said last week, if you are doing what society has deemed your your bare minimums, which is quote unquote providing, there there should be nothing, like you should be available to me in any capacity that I need you to be if your bills are paid. And I don't understand why you're crazy work. And I don't understand why you would be unhappy with anything else.
SPEAKER_09:I don't agree with that, but okay.
SPEAKER_04:I don't agree with that either. I'm just saying. Um, you want your needs met first.
SPEAKER_09:I don't.
SPEAKER_04:Some women think that the request prioritizes male comfort over emotional reciprocity. Um, you want a soft place to land without being one yourself.
SPEAKER_09:Oh, that's a good one. That's good. Hold on. Hold on.
SPEAKER_04:Read it again. Read it again. You want a soft place to land without being one yourself.
SPEAKER_09:That's good. That's T.
SPEAKER_04:I like that one. Tell me about the tell me your thoughts about that. What do you what do you hear when I read that?
SPEAKER_09:You want somewhere where you can feel emotionally safe and get your thoughts off and feel heard, but in return, you don't become that firm. That's what I hear.
SPEAKER_04:You don't showcase that for her. You don't lead by example.
SPEAKER_09:Okay, we're talking about you're talking in general, because I do this for you.
SPEAKER_04:My God.
SPEAKER_09:You're not gonna have these people out here coming for me.
SPEAKER_04:Um, you don't lead by example in that way for you to get it in return. So if you feel like it's something that you're not getting, is it something that you're giving? Right.
unknown:Right.
SPEAKER_09:I don't know.
SPEAKER_04:Inquiring my own.
SPEAKER_09:This made me think about today. This is off topic.
SPEAKER_04:This is off topic.
SPEAKER_09:When when our daughter came to me and she opened up, and she and she was like, I she was like, Dad, I wanted to tell the truth because I didn't want to be in trouble. And then we had we had a little conversation. I said, My baby's open up to me. She feels comfortable, and they made me feel good.
SPEAKER_04:That's good. You knew you didn't bite her head off when she did it. Okay, good.
SPEAKER_09:I didn't succeed. I said, I'm gonna talk to mommy about it, and we'll let you know what's going on what's going down.
SPEAKER_04:Very nice, which is why she came downstairs all calm and told me again. And she was like, mommy, I didn't get better.
SPEAKER_09:She looked at me like, you finna take my head off. I was like, I'm not gonna take your head off. I'm not.
SPEAKER_02:Take your head off. I'm not.
SPEAKER_09:I said because I this is a safe place, and you you did the right thing. And you you told the truth. You told the truth and did the right thing.
SPEAKER_04:But you're still gonna get a consequence.
SPEAKER_09:I'm still in trouble.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, you're still in trouble.
SPEAKER_09:Still in trouble. Okay, now that we got that, women uh notch it out the way. Oh, wow. Crazy. These are 10 points crazy work of what men actually mean. This is based off research when they say be my peace. Okay, I don't I look here, guys. Uh, this is what she gave me the list. I can't verify this what men say. Uh wow, crazy work. Number one says, I want a home that feels like rest, not a battleground. Men want emotional decompression after stressful days. Who doesn't want emotional decompression after a stressful day? Right. Who don't? Right. No one wants to walk into somewhere where they feel like they're constantly at war.
SPEAKER_06:I mean, because I'll just sit in the car for an hour.
SPEAKER_09:You do every time. Oh. Even when we're happy here. You sit in the car for an hour. Like you did today.
SPEAKER_02:I said, I was gonna say, I'd sit in the car for an hour after the gym. I'll I just like my alone time.
SPEAKER_09:I I said, I said, where is she at? And I looked, I looked at my phone, I said, Oh, she's outside. Because people was like, Where's mommy? I said, She's outside.
SPEAKER_04:I was finishing my coffee.
SPEAKER_09:I said, mommy's outside. Just let her be. Let her be. Let her have her moment, Phoenix. Let her be, don't bother her. Just let her be.
SPEAKER_06:After we're done with this, I'm gonna run an errand. I know.
SPEAKER_09:Number number two is I want kindness when you speak to me. The tone matters more to men than people. And this is true.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, I'm gonna I'm gonna have to agree.
SPEAKER_09:I always tell my wife, how you speak to me, yeah, is more important than what you say. Because you could tell me some of the most truthful things about myself.
SPEAKER_04:But you're not gonna hear it if I got Big Barry going.
SPEAKER_09:But if you got your base, my Big Berry base. You got your base on negative three because you can't even get the zero.
SPEAKER_06:You're gonna stop talking about uh I'm coming, I'm coming with the smoke.
SPEAKER_09:All right, you're gonna stop talking about number three says I want my partner to assume good intentions. Men will shut down when constantly accused or criticized. Now, this is true. It is no one likes to be criticized, especially when there's no history of wrongdoing.
SPEAKER_04:What? What?
SPEAKER_09:When there's no history.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, I can't wait to make that one a clip. Some women do the comments. They absolutely do.
SPEAKER_09:And it's not necessarily something that I've done. I've seen it where the trauma of past relationships bleed over into new relationships, and now he's taking the pain from the last relationship. What pain is she taking? The pain in the last relationship that he that the new man got nothing to do with, right? Number four says, I want a safe place opening up without judgment. Okay, now this is true. Because I know that's I feel like it's already hard for men to be vulnerable.
SPEAKER_05:Yes, I agree.
SPEAKER_09:So if a man opens up to you and he feels like you're judging him, yeah, it ain't gonna happen. Close the door. It ain't gonna happen.
SPEAKER_05:Close the door.
SPEAKER_09:It's not happening again. Yeah, it's over. Um I want support, not correction. Men want to be encouraged, not constantly uh improving uh improvement critiques. Now, I don't agree with this. I think it's how you try to critique that matters. Right. Because again, like I said earlier, you see things differently than I do. So you may be bringing to my attention an angle I haven't possibly thought of. Right. It makes sense. And a lot of times I give you credit.
SPEAKER_04:I was like, okay, you smart. But remember, like, because even with our own communication, I had started asking you when you would have a vulnerable moment with me. Is this a situation where you want to playbook? Where you want goodbye. Is this a situation where you want me to like listen and support you in that way? Or are we gonna have dialogue? Like, do you want me to do you want me to give you the preview just go from the outside looking in and how I can help you? In the moment I do you want me to shut up?
SPEAKER_09:And the if I'm venting in the moment, I want you to go along whatever madness I say. So if I say we're going to Philly tonight and we whooping Gibson's ass, I want you gonna say, babe, we want to first fight out.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, I don't think I would do well in jail, is what I'm saying, though. So I don't I mean, I'm gonna probably look out for you, but if the popo show up, I'm I'm probably so you ain't got my back.
SPEAKER_09:I'm probably gonna drive. Number six is I want disagreements without disrespect.
SPEAKER_05:Yes.
SPEAKER_09:Man can handle conflict, they cannot handle contempt.
SPEAKER_05:Now 100%. Yeah, I agree with you. Once I feel disrespected, gloves are off.
SPEAKER_09:I'm talking about everybody.
SPEAKER_04:Even your favorite cousin, huh?
SPEAKER_09:Not my favorite cousin.
SPEAKER_04:Bye. Not my favorite cousin.
SPEAKER_09:Only person to say safe in your family is your cousin and granny. Okay, bye. Everybody else is on the table. Oh, in my in my favorite system law.
SPEAKER_04:Okay, bye, mercy.
SPEAKER_09:Everybody else on the table. Goodbye. All can get it. Okay. Move on, boy. No, no, I said it. Move on. Number seven says, I want someone who regulates her tone, just like I try to regulate my actions.
SPEAKER_06:Key word in that.
SPEAKER_09:Try.
SPEAKER_04:Try.
SPEAKER_09:Try.
SPEAKER_04:As you're trying to regulate action, I will try to regulate tone. And hopefully we'll meet somewhere in the middle. I feel like that goes both ways. It does.
SPEAKER_09:Absolutely does. As a man, how you speak to your woman matters.
SPEAKER_04:Cool. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_09:Because I can't talk to you like I'm talking to some random person outside. You can't. I can't talk to you like I talk to the boys.
SPEAKER_04:I mean you can.
SPEAKER_09:No, okay.
SPEAKER_04:You said ass over there. Well, obviously, we have actually have conversations like that.
SPEAKER_09:Um, you see Butterface? Um.
SPEAKER_02:Shut up, babe.
SPEAKER_09:Emotional tone equals safety signal for men. And I will say that is true. When I feel like when I when I when I perceive your tone as a safe tone where you're not being aggressive towards me, I am more willing to continue the conversation. But when the aggression starts to show up, when big bro, big berry, in the base that's not basing. My negative three. Yeah, I'll be like, yeah, sit your ass down. Don't let me put these hands on you. Oh my gosh. In a good way. Hey. I knew it. Number eight says, I want a partner who brings balance, not chaos. Men associate structure and stability with love. Now, this is true.
SPEAKER_06:But I will say it with love too.
SPEAKER_09:I will say, as a man, you bring the show the structure and the stability. So again, that's on you, player. That ain't on her.
SPEAKER_04:Big pimp.
SPEAKER_09:Um, number nine says, I want love that feels gentle, welcoming, and informing. Masculinity often lacks spaces of softness, except home. And this is true. I mentioned this last week. Yeah. As a man, I have to be on guard and hard. Right. Pause. Everywhere else.
SPEAKER_00:I hope you're not hard everywhere you go. That would be uncomfortable.
SPEAKER_09:What do you see? Boy, what do you see?
SPEAKER_00:Really? Stupid.
SPEAKER_09:So I have to have my defenses at a hundred percent outside of home.
SPEAKER_00:Right.
SPEAKER_09:So when I come home, I want to let them down. I want the shield to be down.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_09:I want to be able to just be and be myself, be relaxed, not have to walk on eggshells, be think about every little thing I said. Because if I say, if I joke this way or say something too aggressive this way, it's taken out of proportion. Now we're gonna start a fight. Nobody wants that.
SPEAKER_04:Nobody wants that. Usually I'll just leave and go run an errand.
SPEAKER_09:Yeah, okay. Please do. Number nine says, oh no, I'm sorry, number 10, the last one. I want a woman who protects my mental health, not drains it. Now amen. Hold on, clock that. Clock that. Um, men rarely verbalize this but feel it strongly. This is true. Okay, I believe that is true. When men say be my peace, it's less about control and more about emotional refuge. And again, I will say if you want an emotional refuge, you have to be that refuge for someone else. So if you want a safe place, you have to be that safe place for someone else. And I do feel like it's each other's responsibility to protect each other's mental health and not drain it. Because if you're constantly fighting and all that, you will you will drain um each other's mental health mentally and I'm trying to drain you physically.
SPEAKER_04:So I mean, you know, like I'm not going there. I'm not going there. I'm trying to drain you physically. Don't touch me. Don't touch you where.
unknown:My gosh.
SPEAKER_04:Um don't touch you where. So no one cares. Conclusion. No one cares. Your mama.
SPEAKER_09:Um, finna be here. I'm gonna follow the tour to her Facebook, I think.
SPEAKER_04:Bye. I think being your man's peace, I think the whole peace topic goes both ways. If you both can bring a sense, a sense of peace to each other, then you can have a bit more balance, right? Because what you bring, you know, what you bring into the relationship with your, you know, your your structure, like all the things to do life, right? And the opposite of that is me basically creating space, creating a home, creating safe space for you. What you do brings me peace. Right. And in return, what you do brings you peace.
SPEAKER_09:Affirms my peace. Right. Because I'm already bringing the peace.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. Right.
SPEAKER_09:For you, right. And you're now affirming my peace. Right. So again, it starts with me.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, so it's start at the job.
SPEAKER_09:Start at the job.
SPEAKER_06:Start at the job.
SPEAKER_09:I'm gonna just read these quick research datas. Um, from very it says multiple sources. We'll see. This first one is from the journey of marriage and family um studies. Um study in the in the journal of marriage and family shows that men report emotional safety and low conflict communication as top predictors of of marital happiness. So men experience higher relationship satisfaction when they feel emotionally supported. Over 70 over 70% of men say they feel, I'm sorry, over 70% of men say they experience more emotional stress at work than women. This increases their desire for relational peace at home. Now, this is true because it is sometimes at work you want to cuss out everybody. Okay. So when I come home, I just want to lay in your titties.
SPEAKER_06:Okay.
SPEAKER_09:We're not. We're not. We're not. It says men are more psychologically sensitive to conflict. According to research from Dr. John uh Gottman shows men have stronger stress responses during arguments and shut down faster. Now, this is true.
SPEAKER_04:I that's only with women.
SPEAKER_09:I haven't been known to shut down, I shut down quick periods. I'm not gonna argue with people. At my big age, I don't argue no more. It is you you take it how you take it.
SPEAKER_06:That's your big age.
SPEAKER_09:At my big age. Number four, it says men report being criticized too much as one of the top three reasons for feeling unhappy in marriage. Communication style.
SPEAKER_04:Just because it's a woman saying it.
SPEAKER_09:Okay, calm down. Communication style impacts men emotional safety deeply. You need to calm down.
unknown:What?
SPEAKER_09:You need to calm down. Being his peace doesn't mean being silent, never expressing emotion, carrying all the emotion work, or agreeing with everything. What it means is being a safe place, not a stressful place. Communicating with warmth instead of harshness, balancing accountability with kindness, being a partner and not an adversary. Yeah. And at the same and the same is true in reverse. Men must also give peace, create selfie, create. I know, create safety and regulate their own emotional impact.
SPEAKER_06:Yes. So I'm not gonna say it because people are gonna be mad at me.
SPEAKER_09:Go ahead and say it.
SPEAKER_02:No, I'm okay.
SPEAKER_06:Say it.
SPEAKER_02:I'm not gonna say it. Don't be scared. I'm not scared. What is that? You scared? No. Yep.
SPEAKER_09:Don't be come on, big bro, with the bass.
SPEAKER_02:Say what the have a negative three bass.
SPEAKER_09:Say what see, look at that. You tried. No, no base. All trouble.
SPEAKER_00:Trouble.
SPEAKER_09:All trouble. Trouble. Not treble. Trouble. I said it purposely.
SPEAKER_04:All right, let's hop right on into the comment of the week. You thought I forgot because I didn't. No, I didn't.
SPEAKER_09:The comment of the week comes from I'ma just uh TMN 5725. And this is um from the post where I was talking about how I asked you about your drink when I was in the chaos of packing lunch and making breakfast.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, when I said you pissed me off?
SPEAKER_09:Yeah, when I pissed you off because I asked you if you do one or two scoops, because there's two different doses on the canned people for people in the comments. I didn't know what doses she wanted.
SPEAKER_04:But you also felt that you also failed to let the day before.
SPEAKER_09:She said, I think if you have a found a man who was willing to ask questions while juggling breakfast and prepping lunches, he's a keeper, and Miss Nisha is wrong. Now that now I picked this personally because she took my side. Because she picked my side and she called you Miss Nisha. Ma'am, how old do you think my wife is?
SPEAKER_03:I appreciate it though. Thank you. And her big age. My big age, whatever. Miss Nisha is crazy. Whatever. Hey, Miss Nisha.
SPEAKER_04:Whatever. What's wrong, Miss Nisha? Don't hate me because you ain't me, girl. I mean, boy.
SPEAKER_09:Oh, okay. Because you ain't me?
SPEAKER_04:Yep.
SPEAKER_09:Oh, wow.
SPEAKER_04:And you didn't get a Mr. Maurice.
SPEAKER_09:Wow. Okay.
SPEAKER_04:I got a Miss Nisha. Thank you. Um, all right. Let's right hop on into Aren't you say? I'm actually getting sleepy, guys. Oh, wow. I need a snack.
SPEAKER_09:Snacky snack. Ah, I'm right here, baby. I think I'm gonna go to Chipotle. Oh, crazy work.
SPEAKER_04:Y'all didn't y'all know this is this is a black household. Ain't no cooking getting done this week because all the cooking that's happening is for Thursday. Um, all right, here we go. This is from a Booski. Hey, Booski. So she says, Am I a jerk for keeping my daughter away from her biological father when his behavior has been so inconsistent, unsafe, and destabilizing? Okay. Or am I just trying to protect her and myself from chaos? All right, let's get into it. I'm writing because I'm struggling with whether I'm doing the right thing. From the outside, it probably looks like I'm keeping my daughter away from her biological father, but I want to explain what led me here. I was married for 10 years before separating from my ex-husband. Although the marriage was extremely difficult and our divorce was high conflict, he has always been a present, attentive, and engaged father to our son. We talk daily, we coordinate schedules, we always manage to co-parent even when it wasn't easy. So I know what functional, even if I'm perfect, co-parenting looks like. Fast forward, about a year and a half after leaving that marriage, I met someone on a dating app. We went months talking on the phone for about four or five hours a day. I felt heard and understood. I hoped this was the person I could build a future with and maybe even have a second child with as well. When we finally met on a lunch date, the chemistry was instant. After the first date started, we started spending time together at my apartment. I have partial paralysis from a spinal cord injury about 20 years ago, so staying in felt comfortable at first. But after two months, I told him that I wanted to go out on actual dates. He acted like I was changing the script on him. He kept promising me he would plan things, but he never followed through. Still, we said, I love you, and talked about marriage and eventually decided together that we wanted to have a baby. Once I was pregnant, his behavior changed. He stood me up at doctor's appointments, including contributing to any co-pays and other hospital costs. He forgot to pick up prenatal vitamins. Whenever I confronted him about not following through, he'd insist it was all a misunderstanding. I planned and paid for every outing. When we went on a weekend getaway, he didn't pay for a single thing. The only time we went out because of him was when he was invited to a function and he brought me with him. Even then, he never brought a bottle of wine or contributed anything in any way except for showing up. There were more red flags. At my baby shower, he was supposed to bring the food. He showed up four hours late with excuses. I had already bought decorations, appetizers, and party favors. Two months before the birth of our child, he moved in with me and my son. He promised he would help pick up, drop off once the baby had arrived. But when the time came, he backed out of everything. I ended up scrambling for childcare instead. He also claimed he couldn't contribute to rent because of quote unquote banking issues, even though his half was only$700. Three weeks postpartum, I told him that he had to pay what he owed or he would have to move out. He moved out and immediately began accusing me. Of things that I didn't do. I was exhausted, recovering, and caring for a newborn. And now I was constantly being blamed and gaslit. Despite all this, I still allowed him to take our daughter a few times a week, but he didn't respect any boundaries. He threw out my pumped breast milk and fed her formula without asking. He lied about where he was taking her. He refused to send pictures or updates when she was with him, and he regularly showed up late for pickup and drop off. The breaking point was Christmas. I let him take her overnight. He completely disappeared. No texts, no calls, no updates, and he didn't bring her back to the next day. I ended up filing a police report and going to his grandmother's house to retrieve my baby. For context, he lives with his grandmother rent-free, despite claiming to be a software engineer making six figures. After that, I told him that he could pursue visitations through the courts or he could visit our daughter while she was with me. I also found a free co-parenting counseling program, which he refused every option. He has never contributed financially, not during the pregnancy, not after the birth, and throughout all of this, he has insulted me, calling me a baby mama, and accused me of trying to keep him from his child, even though he was the one disappearing, lying, and breaking commitments. All I want is stability for my daughter and peace for myself. But now I keep questioning whether I'm the bad guy for finally limiting contact. Thank you for reading.
SPEAKER_09:I don't know. That's the mouth.
SPEAKER_04:Okay.
SPEAKER_09:That's a lot.
SPEAKER_04:I think first things first.
SPEAKER_09:I don't think you're wrong. Um for keeping the baby.
SPEAKER_04:I don't I don't think I don't think you're wrong either.
SPEAKER_09:Because he has already shown that he's not trustworthy, right? But my thing is that there were so many red flags.
SPEAKER_04:Okay, and that's what I was gonna say. In the beginning before the pregnancy, before the pregnancy.
SPEAKER_09:During the pregnancy, yeah, when definitely the baby shower should have been the last straw. Like I get it, you wanted to work out because this is he's the the the father. Yeah. But like he he showed you constant, constant inconsistency.
SPEAKER_04:I mean, the the the the first red flag for me was the going out was him kept promising to do things and make plans and he never followed through. But yet, and still we still had conversations about marriage and conversations about procreation. But why are we having these conversations? And move forward with said procreation. That's what that's what I mean.
SPEAKER_09:Ain't nobody making six figures can't cover$700.
SPEAKER_04:Especially if that's all you're covering. Especially, so I mean, long story short, he planned in your face. Let me start there. He's playing in your face and he's doing it on purpose. And he never and he ne he on the dating app. He never had any real intentions from the beginning.
SPEAKER_08:I agree with that.
SPEAKER_04:He never had any real, I'm gonna say it again, he never had any real intentions from the beginning. And we know that from not wanting to take you out, or even when he did take you out, is because he was invited somewhere, never contributing there, right? Um, never like not contributing or uh following through with the plans like how you said yourself. That was the biggest indicator there. You can't even make a plan and follow through with it or something as simple as a date night. You can't schedule a date night and plan the date night, follow through with said date night, but we talking about marriage and we talking about having a baby. Why? Why are we talking about that? Yeah, we shouldn't have we shouldn't have been having those types of conversations. I'm gonna just set those.
SPEAKER_09:I ain't gonna say this is for you.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, we should have been having those types of conversations. So in a nutshell, I don't think that you're wrong for limiting the interactions that your child is having with him. Now, granted, he he, I mean, if he wants to be a part of the child's life, we can create structures for him to be a part of the child's life. But if you feel like that there at any given point that your child's life could potentially be in danger because he doesn't communicate, he, you know, it disappears with her, takes her without your knowledge. You don't know where you don't know where he's at, you don't know what he's doing, you can't believe anything that he's saying. Therefore, you have every right to try to get some type of legal structure to protect your child from her. It doesn't matter whether it's her biological father or not, we have to protect the child. But if you also want him to be a part of the child's life and he's willing to be a part of the child's life, you can do so, but we're gonna have to do that with safety, safety measures, right? So, like how you said, if if it's that important to him, he knows how to go down to the court and try to fight for visitations or supervised visitations or whatever the case may be. Like I'm all for making sure children know their parents and have a relationship with their parents, but not at the expense of their safety. And what it sounds like to me is that he is just downright playing in your face and seeing how far he can go and seeing how how bad he can piss you the hell off because he don't really care. He didn't care in the beginning, he didn't care during, and he definitely doesn't care now. He had no real intention to start. And he showed that to you. He showed you who he was, he showed you what he could, what he could offer, what he could provide, and it it it was it wasn't anything. So at this point, I don't know if it was just like like the feel goods, you know. That's what it was. It was the feel goods, it was the I'm just gonna say this.
SPEAKER_09:If he went, if he wasn't gonna plan dates, he ain't gonna no courthouse. Because he's not gonna pay for them fees for one.
SPEAKER_04:Well, he got he ain't gonna be on the schedule.
SPEAKER_09:He he he not he's not he's not gonna pay for them fees.
SPEAKER_04:He's not gonna be on the be on the schedule. I can't. Okay. Uh this one is it from another Booskies. Okay. So just wants your once your opinion. Hello, wonderful people. Hello, Booski. Am I the asshole? I've been married for 20 years. My husband uh and I don't spend a lot of time together because he works seven days a week. He is self-employed. We got a show together, a rare occasion, so they were going to see a show or a movie. Um, we got seated in our seats, and right before the show starts, he asked me if I had ever seen the production before. I said yes, many years ago. He has seen it many times because of his line of work. He gets up, he doesn't say where he's going or what he's gonna be doing, but I assume he was going to the restroom, even though we even though we went to the restroom before we sat down to see the show. 40 minutes later, he still had it returned. Now at this time, I get up and leave the theater. I thought about texting or calling him, but why would I have to do that? He's the one that left me sitting there alone. So I go next door to get a coffee. 15 minutes later, he texts me and asks me where I am. I text him back, you left me an hour ago, and I ask him, where are you? He texts me back that he went to the restroom and then he started making some phone calls. I text him back, I can understand that part. However, communication and communicating that to me would have been nice. I'm not the type of person that goes places with people and leave them. At this point, he calls and states that he didn't think that he needed my permission to go to the bathroom. I stated that he was right, but why not tell me what was going on, especially once he decided to start making phone calls? At this point, we just started going back and forth. And at some point, he apologizes. However, I'm done. I thought it was rude. I thought that maybe this one time I could have been important. All that being said, I didn't go back into the show. Now he's in his feelings. Once again, am I the asshole? I need someone else's perspective.
SPEAKER_09:Hell no. Fuck him.
SPEAKER_04:Uh, that's her husband. Cut it out. I don't give a fuck who it is. That's her husband. That's rude. It's very rude. It's very rude. But see, here's the thing. He was taking on the assumption of, you know, I work seven days a week.
SPEAKER_09:Yeah, but here's the thing. Here's the thing. You can work as you can work for as long as you want. You're gonna wake up one day, and all you're gonna have is what you work for and what you love not gonna be around.
SPEAKER_05:Right.
SPEAKER_09:Because you're dedicating your time to what you're working for, and you're not investing in what's gonna hold you up when you can't live no more.
SPEAKER_04:Absolutely.
SPEAKER_09:So, like I said, fuck him.
SPEAKER_04:And not only that, you invited me out like because we don't get a lot of time together, right? You know we don't get a lot of time together. 25 minutes is wild. So me, me thinking like, okay, we're gonna go see a show together, even though, even though it's a show that we've seen, you know, we're gonna go see a show together, at least it gives us time together. Now I'm thinking, oh, you just brought me here to make it seem like you wanted to spend time with me, but then you still ended up choosing work. We could have done that at home.
SPEAKER_09:I think the whole question of have you seen the show before was the precursor. I kind of know what's going on, so they ain't really.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, so I don't, yeah, I don't really need to see it. No, it's still rude as hell.
SPEAKER_09:It is.
SPEAKER_04:It's rude as hell. Yeah, I I yeah, that's that's rude.
SPEAKER_09:That's rude. I said what I said.
SPEAKER_04:Alrighty, Booskies. This has been another episode of the Life After I Do podcast. If you are not doing so already, you already know the drill. And if you don't, go ahead and follow us on all of our social media platforms at Life After I Do Podcast, at Gmail. Oh, sorry, that's the email. You can email us as email us at lifeafter I do podcast at gmail.com and follow us on all of our social media pod uh platforms at life after I do podcasts. I'm hungry, y'all.
SPEAKER_09:Okay, so get me some for you.
SPEAKER_04:Um, YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, Life After I Do Podcast. Don't forget to like and share and subscribe to the channel on YouTube and comment. We love your comments. Keep the emails flowing. We love connecting with you guys. And thank you to all of our new Booskies. Welcome to the family. And until we meet again, you guys have a happy Thanksgiving.
SPEAKER_09:Happy Thanksgiving. Peace, Booskies. Peace, Booskies.
