Life After I Do Podcast
Marriage and relationships can be tough. You may feel like you’re the only one struggling but you’re not. Life After I do is a weekly podcast where Morice and Kynesha, a black married millennial couple, share their experiences and advice on everything from kids and family to intimacy and connection. Noting is off limits.
In their 21 years together and 7 years of marriage, Morice and Kynesha have learned a lot about what it takes to make a relationship work. They know the importance of communication, trust and commitment. They also know it’s okay to not have it all figured out.
Join them every Wednesday as they talk about their own journey of “Life After I do”.
Life After I Do Podcast
Divorcing The Good Guy
You’re doing all the “right” things—but the connection still feels distant. In this episode, we talk about the emotional gap between being a good partner on paper and actually meeting your person where they are—mentally, emotionally, physically.
We explore mismatched love languages, how to build habits that support connection, and why shared leadership matters in every season of marriage.
Plus, we offer real advice on listener dilemmas—from family disrespect to boundary breaches and emotional fatigue.
Thanks for rocking with us! Don’t forget to follow Life After I Do so you never miss an episode. Got a relationship situation you want us to weigh in on? Hit us at https://linktr.ee/lifeafteridopodcast — we just might talk about it in a future episode.
Fact is that there's so many people out there that don't even know who they are, yeah, entering marriage. So now you're entering into a situation where you you need to learn another person all the while not knowing who you are.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, and but uh to add on to that, I think that for me, that takes me into all the transitions of marriage that you go through, right? So entering into your marriage at 20, the the person that you are constantly becoming is constantly changing. Constantly changing, right? Right, we're changing, we're changing now. Big bro. And it's like relationships, especially marriages, long term are going to go through that ebb and that flow, that ebb and that flow, that ebb and that flow, right? Hey everybody, and welcome back to another episode of the laid podcast. A life after I do. I'm just gonna start referring to it as the laid podcast.
SPEAKER_01:So why not laid why laid? Because it's because I'm trying to get laid.
SPEAKER_00:Hey, Buskies.
SPEAKER_03:Hi. Hi guys, welcome back to the Life After I Do podcast.
SPEAKER_01:I remember I remember when we were like coming up with names uh for the pod, and you're like, what about life after I do? And I was like, Oh, that's perfect. Because in my mind, I personally went late. Come on now. You know I like to be late. You know I like to be late. I said that that most men do. I said that worked perfectly. Most men do. Right, who don't? Who don't? What crazy person don't?
SPEAKER_03:I mean, there's and there's also quite a lot of people who don't. They don't want to be laid, laid down to sleep, sure.
SPEAKER_01:Now why'd you eat booskies?
SPEAKER_03:My week was good.
SPEAKER_01:Good. What was good about it, besides me being your husband?
SPEAKER_03:I okay.
SPEAKER_01:Um okay, all right. I see how this is going. I see how this is going.
SPEAKER_03:Uh it was it was good. Um, I survived another week. I feel like I'm saying um a lot. Sorry guys. I survived the week. I am, I am, I feel like I am going through the the the parental transitioning of, you know, like I feel like I'm in the trenches again. Remember how you was in the trenches in the toddler stage? I feel like now I'm in the uh trenches of like like the solid kid stage where we're we're slowly but surely like starting to separate from some of the, you know, six, seven, eight, you know, type of behaviors. And now we're on the we're on the cusp of between the between the eight and ten, where we we're still a kid, but we're also trying to be interested in things that are more than just barbies, you know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_01:So it sounds like she finding a new way to piss you off.
SPEAKER_03:She finding a new way to piss me the hell off. She is really, she is really, really testing me. And I feel like I am being tested, like my patience is being tested, my my understanding is being tested. I am really trying to do the best that I can of um trying to support her emotionally, you know, when she does not know like what she's feeling, how she's feeling, why she's feeling the way she is, when she gets upset, her little outbursts. You know, I'm trying to help her to self-regulate emotionally, but I'm also understanding that that takes me having to, you know, showcase that to her. Right. Right. So for a prime example, the other morning, she was basically trying to throw a fit about um brushing her teeth. So we were having some work done on her bathroom. So she's been using our vanity, our bathroom. And she's basically just been in our space for like a week straight. And um, she already still does this thing where she'll get up in the middle of the night and come and get in the bed with us and like try to sleep with us and stuff, you know? So, you know, she's still very much a kid in that way. She's only eight, but she's really been in our space. And so the plumber came out, he did the work um on her, you know, her bathroom and everything. And we still have a part for her sink to get done. So her sink still has like a little bit of a drip. So it's time for us to get up in the morning. Mind you, I don't know what's going on. We are like having a regression with the morning routine. And I'm like, girl, you've been doing the same thing for like four years, and I just don't understand why we still have to go through every morning taking an extra 30 minutes before you get out of bed, an extra 10 minutes before you wash your face and brush your teeth. But that's neither here nor there. So she goes on this whole rant about how she can't brush her teeth in her bathroom because her sink has a drip. So you had told her, don't worry about the drip. Like it's fine. Like daddy's taking care of it. If there's some water underneath there, you it's not your concern. All you need to be concerned with is getting your ready yourself ready for school. Brush your teeth like you're supposed to, you know. She it like literally was basically throwing a whole fit about how she can't use that sink because she knows that the sink has a drip. And how is she supposed to correctly brush her teeth when she knows the sink has a drip? And I'm like, in my mind, I'm thinking, are she is she fucking for real?
SPEAKER_01:Right. Right.
SPEAKER_03:I'm I'm thinking, are you okay? Are we really gonna start the morning off like this? Like you are throwing a fit about brushing your teeth in your own bathroom that you don't have to share with anybody else, with your own sink that you don't have to share with anybody else. And because we're telling you you cannot use our sink, because you have a sink, but because it has a little bit of a drip that we told you not to be concerned with, your father will take care of it. And so then she storms off, she stumps her feet, and she's like, This is why I be having such a tough morning. I was like, okay. And that's when I was like, literally, these are the conversations I have in my head. I'm like, okay, let me breathe first because I can't allow her temper tantrum and the the like the mental state that she's in right now to get me off my block. Because then if I give her that same energy, it's just gonna keep going back and forth. Bye, Maurice. It's just gonna keep going back and forth, and it's really not gonna help the situation. And you know my rules about the morning time.
SPEAKER_01:You want her to leave at a good moment because you want to have a good day.
SPEAKER_03:Exactly. So Transparence. Yeah, yeah, yes. So she's, you know, she's in a moment, she's in a tizzy, and um, you know, I I come to her and I'm like trying to be calm, I'm trying to be reserved, but also like stern in how I'm speaking to her. So she also understands. Like, I'm not gonna raise my voice, but I'm gonna explain to, you know, I'm trying to explain to her. And I was like, your father told you not to worry about it. All you need to be concerned with is brushing your teeth, washing your face. You choose your attitude, do you not? And she's like, yes. And I said, so you are you're making a conscious decision to have a bad morning if you feel like you're having a bad morning, because nothing has happened to cause you to have a bad morning. I told her, I said, I'm gonna have a great morning because it's my upper day. I'm excited. I woke up, dad made breakfast. Like, I'm trying to like let her know this is where my headspace is, you know? And I was like, and I'm excited to go to the gym. Dad made breakfast. I was like, I'm gonna go to my bathroom and I'm gonna brush my teeth and I'm gonna choose to have a good day because I want to have a good day. I was like, but if you want to have a bad day and you get to choose your attitude, I say, you go ahead and have the day that you choose. And she literally stood there in the hallway, like not saying nothing, holding her toothbrush. And then she just like took a deep breath and then she went on, she brushed her teeth, she washed her face, she got dressed, she came back in the room and she was like, Mom, can I have a hug and a kiss?
SPEAKER_01:She processed.
SPEAKER_03:She did. But that but it it and that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. Like, as a parent, that's where the testing and like me really having to step back and take a breath and knowing when to like spit hot fire and when to take uh, you know, the the road less traveled, I guess you could say. Because easily in that moment, I would have like the way my head was, I was like, if you don't get your ass in that bathroom and brush your damn teeth, you got two minutes or I'm coming in there and I'm brushing them for you, and you're not gonna like how I brush them.
SPEAKER_01:You was gonna talk like you had the role bone and you had them clutched.
SPEAKER_03:But but I know that speaking to her, like in that demeanor in that moment, it wouldn't have helped the situation because she would have given me more pushback, right? Or she just would have still been in a bad mood. Then I would have been in a bad mood. And I'm mostly in a bad mood because she's not doing what I wanted to do. So then now she's feeling more controlled. I'm feeling less controlled. Like it's it's a whole I feel like the psychological portion of parenting, aside from the emotional part, like the psychological part of parenting when you're trying to like parent intentionally can be a lot. And sometimes I'm a parent and I'm a human. And sometimes I just be like, girl, it's just cause I said so.
SPEAKER_01:Say it again.
SPEAKER_03:Like it's quick a week. It's just cause I said so. Right now, it's just cause I said so. But yeah, so that's that's what my week has been consisting of is really trying to, you know, create an environment for this child to grow up and and raise her. Cause she she's amazing. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't trade her for I wouldn't trade her for anything. Like I love her personality. I love her.
SPEAKER_01:Bye Maurice. Like if I said anything.
SPEAKER_03:Oh, bye Maurice. Like, like nothing. I I choose her. Okay.
SPEAKER_01:Okay.
SPEAKER_03:Um, but she's like, you know, she's a kid. And kids are gonna do a child. Yeah, kids are gonna do kid shit.
SPEAKER_01:See the child that it won't stay in the child's place.
SPEAKER_03:So yeah, she does. But we're gonna be okay. I'm you know, I'm gonna be like, I feel like my eyes were looking a little older. And I said, I don't know, you can't stress me out into like appearing old girl, because that's where I draw the line. Right. But other than that, it's what it was a great week. Like I said, I got through the week. All right, gym has been good. Um all right, big bro. You know, that's talk to you nicely, huh? What are you talking about? Talk to you nicely, yeah. Talk to me nicely, I guess. All right, all right, big bro. Yeah, okay. So I can't really complain.
SPEAKER_01:Well, you know, now that you have emotionally dumped on the people.
SPEAKER_03:I listen, that's why the pod is called Life After I Do, because it's every it's all the things that encompass our life after the vows, and being a parent is part of that, you know. Like majority of our of our booskies out there are also parents, and everybody is at a different level of parenting depending on you know the age of your children and everything. So I'm sure there are quite a few out there who will understand exactly what I'm saying. Right. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:I will say my week was cool. Um, I had to be on, you know, why had to walk on eggshells a little bit. Why? Because your temperament this week. Because I've been you were fragile.
SPEAKER_04:Trying.
SPEAKER_03:Y'all don't know. You don't get it.
SPEAKER_04:I thought that was my turn.
SPEAKER_03:Go ahead.
SPEAKER_01:You you've been fragile this week. You anything, any little thing will make you snap. And the thing is, okay.
SPEAKER_03:Don't put too much on it.
SPEAKER_01:No, I'm not. I'm putting the right amount.
SPEAKER_03:Okay. It's your experience.
SPEAKER_01:And the thing is that I know that this ain't even about me.
SPEAKER_03:Like I told you, don't take it personal.
SPEAKER_01:I said, This ain't even about me. I'm just the one in front of her right now. Some of the things you should take it.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Which was crazy.
SPEAKER_03:Some of the things you should take personal, but some of them no.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, I don't take nothing. I don't take nothing you say personal until you get serious. When your face changed, what does it do? Oh, you you know what you do. You know, you know when your face changed. Your whole body language changed. I said, Oh, she's serious. When y'all getting on my damn nerves, it's funny though, because like when you get mad, I'll be wanting to take you serious, but you be so damn cute.
SPEAKER_03:And then that just pisses me the hell off.
SPEAKER_00:Because you little, and the madder you get, the cuter you get. I'll be like, she looked tiny. So tiny.
SPEAKER_04:Wow. So you enjoy pissing me off.
SPEAKER_01:I'll be trying to find new ways to piss you off.
SPEAKER_03:I see now you try to find new ways to piss me the hell off.
SPEAKER_01:Hopefully, I had a good week. Hopefully. Oh. Life is life, and just being hopeful. Just trying, you know, trying to control what I can control. That's it. And going forward.
SPEAKER_04:That's it. What was the highlight of your week? All the new Booskies. Yeah. The family is growing.
SPEAKER_01:And I appreciate that.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, the Booski fam, the Booski tried.
SPEAKER_01:You know, it was one, it was one person tried me this week, and I said, I'm not gonna do it because you know You asking for it. Because you had to talk to me about being nice to people. So somebody has said something unsavory about you.
SPEAKER_03:And my initial um on Instagram.
SPEAKER_01:And my initial response was to get under there under my under my personal page to let them know where he could meet me at.
SPEAKER_03:But he was he was dead on though. Like when he what he was trying to he thought he was insulting me. But I was like, oh, but at least he's spot on. But I think he thought like I would be offended by that. And it's like, no, because it's it's by it's by choice.
SPEAKER_01:But that's cool, though.
SPEAKER_03:That's that's crazy word.
SPEAKER_01:But what we got today, Boosky?
SPEAKER_03:Um, okay, so I don't know if you've been seeing it on your timeline, but it's coming up again.
SPEAKER_01:You know, our timelines are different.
SPEAKER_03:I know. But it's kind of Oh no, I forgot.
SPEAKER_01:I'm sorry, guys. I forgot to say go birds. Oh my god. Go birds. Oh my god. Okay, that just reminds me of-Hold on, I'm not done. Go Birds. We are eight and two. We are number one. We got the we have the number one seed right now. Okay. Okay. And as of right now, it is Tuesday, guys, and them sorry ass cowboys beat the Raiders and they're celebrating like they were. They're so happy. And they they act like they won the Super Bowl. Calm down. You beat you beat the Cardinals.
SPEAKER_03:But according to our friend, they're now five and four instead of they're three, five, and one. Oh.
SPEAKER_01:They so the Cowboys so bad they had to tie a game. They couldn't even lose properly. That's how bad they are. Bye, Maurice. Shh. Go Birds.
SPEAKER_03:They had to tie a game. That's right.
SPEAKER_01:They couldn't even lose properly. That's not it.
SPEAKER_00:Okay. They couldn't take a proper loss.
SPEAKER_03:That just reminds me, I wore my Go Birds uh sweater to the gym today. And literally, four people, like every the four people that commented on my sweater, are you from Philadelphia? As soon as I walked into the gym, very first person, are you are you from Philadelphia? I am not from Philadelphia. Then she asked me, Is your husband from Philly? And I was like, he is not. And she was like, Why are you guys Philadelphia fans? And I was like, I'm a Philadelphia fan by default because I married into it.
SPEAKER_01:But what did I say? They said, Are you from Philadelphia? I said, What's I said, Russell? Was Philadelphia born and raised?
SPEAKER_03:And I was like, no, he's not. On the playground, is where I spent most of my days chilling out, maxing, relaxing, all cool and all, shooting some b ball outside of the school. When a couple of guys, they were up to no good, started making trouble in my neighborhood. I got in one little fight, and my mom got scared. She said, You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air. I whistled for a cab, and when it came near, the lice and plate refreshing had dice in the mirror. It was Oh, I was on a roll.
SPEAKER_01:Rest in peace, Uncle Phil.
SPEAKER_03:Oh, yeah. Damn, why you gotta bring it down like that? It wasn't a flow.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, no.
SPEAKER_03:Y'all didn't know I could rap, huh? Learn something new about me every day.
SPEAKER_01:You can't either.
SPEAKER_03:Um First of all, yes, he can. I'm not even gonna let you, I'm not even gonna let you talk about it. Yes, he did. Anyway. Yes, he did. I'm a Will Smith.
SPEAKER_01:Uh I I am an Eagles fan. I have been since the 90s. Uh-huh. Because I wanted to be Randall Cunningham.
SPEAKER_03:You were just a child.
SPEAKER_01:I wanted to be Randall Cunningham.
SPEAKER_03:Okay. Oh, that's his name. I can never remember the guy's name.
SPEAKER_01:Number 12.
SPEAKER_03:Okay. That's his name. Why everybody was like, uh, Michael Irving.
SPEAKER_01:Man, fuck them cowboys.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, I don't.
SPEAKER_01:Go birds.
SPEAKER_03:All that goes right over my head. But I'm happy you're passionate about it.
SPEAKER_01:What we got today?
SPEAKER_03:Happy you're passionate about it. Um, like I was saying, um the divorcing the good guy. Topic is coming back round. Are you divorcing me? Not yet. You haven't baked long enough.
SPEAKER_01:Um, haven't baked long enough is wild.
SPEAKER_00:What you got me on simma? Is this a slow smoke smoke?
SPEAKER_03:Wild. Your monetary value is not where I need it to be for me to go to retirement yet.
SPEAKER_01:So crazy. Okay. I see the energy we're going today. I see the energy. No, don't touch me. Don't touch me. I love you. No, you don't.
SPEAKER_03:I do. Um, so yes. So there's like videos going around of women talking about um how they divorced the good guy. Okay. Um was he boring? That that's actually one of the top reasons is that um a lot of women felt like they were bored in the relationship. Um but asking what the term good guy like is, like what quantifies a good guy. I think, and like from my perspective, and based on things that I've seen and that I've heard, I think we've talked about this before where we talk about the bar for men and what the expectations are for men. Like, as long as he has a good job, as long as he pays bills, as long as as long as he does like all of the the the day in, day out types of things, it's like he's he's a great guy. Okay. But what if he neglects you emotionally? What if he's not like what?
SPEAKER_00:Emotion.
SPEAKER_03:Oh gosh, here we go. We know that's your favorite word.
unknown:Emotion.
SPEAKER_03:That's your favorite word. Because you you you try to make it seem like it's really not a big deal, but it is a bit it plays a very huge part. Emotion. Okay. I'm not doing this with you today. I don't, I'm not doing, I'm not doing this with you.
SPEAKER_01:It's a uh, you know, being a good being a the good guy is not about being perfect, but about being dependable.
SPEAKER_03:Right.
SPEAKER_01:And nice versus hostility are now.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:No, no, no.
SPEAKER_04:I'm not gonna say it.
SPEAKER_03:So, like, there's one video that has caught some traction, and um, one of the reasons she was giving like five, but one of the main reasons that she gave um about divorcing her husband, who she deemed as a good guy, like he was a she's like overall, he was a good guy, and I always told him that I think you would be the perfect husband for someone else.
SPEAKER_01:Crazy.
SPEAKER_03:And they were married for like seven years. Okay, and one of the things, her number one, her number one thing of reason why she had divorced him is in the whole time that they were married, apparently he never said, I loved you. Okay. Like that's one thing that was never a regular thing in their marriage, him ever telling her that like she's loved or that he loves her. Why are you grinning like that?
SPEAKER_01:Because that irritates me.
SPEAKER_03:Why?
SPEAKER_01:Because I mean that to me, my first my initial thought is that she didn't understand who she married. Maybe he was married, he maybe he grew up in an environment where emotions and and displays of emotion were not done verbally, but he showed her every day in and out by his actions that she well, she went into that too.
SPEAKER_03:So we'll get into that. Um, but yes, okay, I can understand. Here's the thing. I can understand that. I can see where you're coming from with that, but as like we've discussed before, how you were raised, the environment in which you know you grew up in, whether you grew up in a household where mom and dad didn't say I love you, or mom and dad weren't affectionate, or mom and dad didn't show emotional connection or physical touch or anything like that. Because you know that, and then if you get with a partner who tells you that portion of a relationship is important to them, and because you know how I feel, especially when it comes to marriage, usually, I'ma just go out and say it without like any data supporting it, 90% of the time, it is a man asking a woman to marry him. Okay, right? You do not get to use that as an excuse as to why that's not getting done in your relationship. Because we have like when you know better, you do better. So if you keep coming to me and saying, I wasn't raised in a household where emotion was shown. I wasn't raised in a household where I saw my father love on my mother or kiss my mother or tell my mother that she that she was loved and that she was cared for. But you know what? I grew up in a house where my dad paid all the bills. I grew up in the house where my mom, when she went, you know, to the store and she had to swipe her card, her her card never declined. Okay. Yeah. You know what I mean. Cash, whatever. Um, and so then that's how I grew up to show love. That's fine. I get, I can, I can get that. I can get that because we all have like we all have baggage, right? We all have things coming from our childhood. But as an adult, right? With reason and consciousness, and especially for the male side, when you are asking a woman to join you in life, you're taking on the responsibility of also the emotional aspect of that relationship and how that is like how you're gonna service your wife in that area. Because you're gonna expect a lot of things from her. Okay. You're gonna expect a lot of things from her. And I guarantee you, you're not gonna use the ex, like you're not gonna accept the excuse that her saying, oh, well, you know, I didn't grow up in a household where my mother showcased this, or I, because his rebuttal is gonna be, okay, but I'm telling you this is what I need. So it's the same thing. She's telling you it will make me feel loved, like even when you just say it every once in a while. Even if you don't tell me you love me every day, but saying to me like you love me when you leave for work, or sending me a text message if you're not comfortable saying it in front of my face, like, let's work on steps to getting to where we need to be. Because the thing about it is, I can tell you how to love me. If you choose, okay now.
SPEAKER_00:If you choose, don't use my word, use my word.
SPEAKER_03:If you are choosing not to listen to me and how I'm explaining to you at this point in my life how I'm going to receive love and how I feel like I need you to show up for me with your emotions and your communication and the love that I'm telling you I need, okay, that's fine. But I just don't know how long you think I'm gonna hang around to wait for you to come around to be like, you know what I'm saying? And I think when it comes to like the whole good guy concept, um, and I feel like women are to fault for this too, where we expect or like we have set this minimum, like the minimum for men. Like he just has to have a good job, he has to make, you know, at least$150,000 a year, or he has to you know what I mean? It's like I can't stand you. Um, or you know, the provider aspect, right? As long as he's a provider, he doesn't hit me, he doesn't like verbally abuse me, which is all what we we would like, you know. But there's more, there's more to that. I know, stop it. There's more to that. And I think with some men, it's like you can't say that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Why aren't you happy? You don't have to work. Why aren't you happy? Like, you know, the kids are taken care of. Why aren't you? You know what I'm saying? Because there's so many other nuances that are involved. That's that's all I'm saying. I agree. Okay, but most of it.
SPEAKER_01:I but I hear it, but um my thing is I'm big on the communication part. Okay. Because I have to be communicated, and as even if I I I personally feel even if a man does ask you for your hand in marriage, if he's not meeting your standards before marriage, right? Don't go through with the marriage. Right?
SPEAKER_03:Say it again for the people in the back. Because it's a preview.
SPEAKER_01:As I always say, you know, responsibility and accountability is to be had on both sides. It doesn't one side's uh role doesn't necessarily have is way heavier as far as as as accountability than the than the other side. So my first thing would say don't enter into legal marriage with someone who is not giving you at least 80% of the things that you need.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, right?
SPEAKER_01:And and only 20, and that that that 20% you can live without, live without it. Yeah, and pray that you get it, yeah, but you've already accepted that you can live without it. And a lot of times I think of um a lot of I do feel like a lot of men, a lot of fellas, we we are so hardwired to always be hard, to always be stern, to to where from from from from an early age, we are taught that our value comes from what we do.
SPEAKER_03:Yes, I can agree with that.
SPEAKER_01:Not what we say, but what we do.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, well, your word and following through with it, and then yeah, and what you can provide.
SPEAKER_01:So along along this path, it becomes so innate in us and and so ingrained in us that as long as I am a man of my word and I take care of my responsibilities, I am showing my love through my work.
SPEAKER_03:Through your actions, right?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. So a lot of times when we when we run into a partner that needs the more verbal or physical or affirmations or yeah, a lot of times or excitement. Right, a lot of times that that's hard for us to do because it we have it, that's not something we're used to. Yeah. Now, like I always say, if this is your person and you this is the person you have chosen to be with be with, and this is the person you have decided is for you, you should be able to slowly make these changes. Right. Because the person that is for you should be, you should be allowed to be out of your comfort zone with the person that is for you. Right. Right? I think the whole point and the whole process of a marriage working and then actually being able to be sustained long term is the give and take and the learning from each other. The take, the taking over the tug and the the pull and the taking over hearts of each other's personalities. God, God knows. I'm a lot more social be because of you. Right? You got you got a little more thug in you. What? Yeah, you definitely got a lot more petty. So it's like when you're with someone that you have established a serious connection with, you're gonna learn and you're gonna feed off one another.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, I feel like I think you want to be better for that person.
SPEAKER_01:And I feel like a lot of times people join into unions without a full understanding of who they're dealing with. And part of this, in fact, is that there's so many people out there that don't even know who they are, yeah, entering marriage. So now you're entering into a situation where you you need to learn another person all the while not knowing who you are.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, and but uh to add on to that, I think that for me, that takes me into all the transitions of marriage that you go through, right? So entering into your marriage at 20, the the person that you are constantly becoming is constantly changing. Constantly changing, right? We're changing now. Right, we're changing, we're changing now. Big bro, and it's like relationships, especially marriages, long term are going to go through that ebb and that flow, that ebb and that flow, that ebb and that flow, right? And sometimes when you're in like that low point and it keeps going on for an extended period of time, I can see how some women would be like, oh yeah, it's been it's been two years, and I'm just not sure when this part of the relationship is going to do an upswing, and I'm not willing to sacrifice another two years of being severely unhappy.
SPEAKER_01:I've I've I've always felt like it's in those low moments where where love necessarily can't be the driving force.
SPEAKER_03:Correct. It's not enough to sustain, it's where the loyalty comes in.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, it's where the loyalty and the sense of dude. The commitment, the sense of duty, and for a man, and for a man to not cheat, where morals come in.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Right? So because as a man, I understand that every day is not gonna be the best. Yeah, every year of my marriage is not gonna be the best, right? Best year. I understand that we're gonna have our ups, we're gonna have our downs, we're gonna have our disagreements.
SPEAKER_06:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:But in my heart to heart, I believe that at the end of the day, we will come to a resolution. And I feel as if any man with my mindset on marriage will understand that hey, just because we don't see eye to eye doesn't mean that I I get to neglect things because I feel I feel neglected. Right. Right? Because um a leader has to lead even when he doesn't feel appreciated, even when the team is failing.
unknown:Right.
SPEAKER_03:When the when the team ain't performing at its capacity, right, you still gotta manage, you still gotta delegate, you still gotta communicate.
SPEAKER_01:To put it in football terms, you you it it don't matter whether it's the quarterback's fault or not. If you are the captain, you take the blame. Yeah, you know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_03:That is like the coach, right? The coach will always take the blame.
SPEAKER_01:That is that is part of being a provider and being the head of the household is that you have to be willing to fall on fall on the sword even when you didn't put it there.
SPEAKER_06:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And I feel like a lot of people avoid that part of responsibility. Yeah, and that's why I always say, when I always say that regardless of the state of the relationship, it's it's if you're the man, yeah, you're you're in the ship.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. So And that's why, that's why I always go back to the I get a lot of flack for that. No, I get it though. I get a lot of flack for that. But that's why I always say going back to when you ask a woman to marry you, like like I always tell you, right? I always tell you, you asked me to be here. And I agree. Yeah, right? But we're not, but you asked me, you said when Would you mind coming to be with me and follow me for the rest of your life? Does that seem like something that would be feasible for you to do?
SPEAKER_01:And it's like it I don't understand why it's so hard to comprehend that. As the leader, your job is to motivate those with you to move the way you need them to move for everyone to be successful. So a lot of times to be a good leader, you have to be out your comfort zone because the way you're used to communicating may not resonate with the person you're trying to communicate to. Right. So now I have to approach this differently.
SPEAKER_03:So that I can get what I need out of you. Just because there's something I need out of you too, just like you need something out of me.
SPEAKER_01:Just because I understand two plus two is four. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:The way I also understand that one plus one plus one plus one is four.
SPEAKER_01:Exactly. We may be looking at the same page with two different equations. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:I may, I may have one theory, one theory, you have another theory.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. And that is, I think that's one thing that couples don't necessarily understand. That your what you see may not necessarily be what you uh be what your partner sees.
SPEAKER_06:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:So you have to be empathetic in the fact that, hey, especially as a man, hey, maybe I need to approach this from a different angle to get her to see what I see and to get her to move the way I move. And I understand that some men say, well, no, she needs to just do what I say.
SPEAKER_06:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:But as a man, if I come to you and say, hey, if you do this, this, this, and this, you'll get this with no proof.
SPEAKER_00:Right. You're gonna be skeptical. No track record. You're gonna be skeptical. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:So if you if you don't have a proven history of making good decisions and leadership, yeah, of course she might be a little hesitant to just follow your every word.
SPEAKER_03:Right. And then not only that, she will like if it it can lead to resentment. Right. That can lead to resentment. Right. Right on both sides. On both sides. Yes. On both sides.
SPEAKER_01:She's gonna feel like if you would just do what I say, we wouldn't be here. Right. And she's like, well, if you would show me.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. Or if you if you could, if you can supply me with what I'm telling you I need to stay the course, okay, then you know, we can get there. So women often file for divorce because of emotional disconnect. Okay, your favorite word is in there. Okay. That's your favorite word. Emotional disconnect, um, unmet needs, and oftentimes feeling being taken for granted.
SPEAKER_01:You know, I mean a lot of men feel like they're being taken for granted too.
SPEAKER_03:I I can understand that.
SPEAKER_01:A lot.
SPEAKER_03:And that's why I'm not saying I'm one of them. I mean, well, I you know, okay, don't really. Did you just wink? You're such an asshole. Um Casey might want to come say. Okay. Yes, both men and women can both feel like that. Like it's not when we talk, when we talk about like divorcing the whole good guy thing, it's not to say that men are probably not feeling some of the things and the reasons that women are feeling that is causing them to want to file for the divorce, right? So, but when we talk about like unmet needs or emotional disconnect or being taken for granted, like we talked last week on last week's episode about the mental load with, you know, wives and how we statistically take on more mentally and emotionally of the relationship and how that can really weigh us down sometimes, right? And so there was an instance where a woman was talking about how she had really, like she had really put divorce like on the table to cons to consider because she was letting her husband know we have four kids and we both work full time, but I'm still the one that's doing bathtime. I'm still the one that's getting them ready in the morning. I'm still the one that's doing all the homework, I'm still the one, and four kids. One, you know, two of them are like uh uh babies and then toddlers, you know? And so she, you know, he was like, How can I help?
SPEAKER_01:You shouldn't trigger me.
SPEAKER_03:He said, How can he came to her and she was like, you know, what all the men say, which we had talked about too last week, what do you need for me? Yeah, what do I need to do? One of the things one of the things is is I and I and I don't expect you to read like our mind or anything like that, but it would be helpful if I didn't have to ask for you to empty the dishwasher. Right. If I didn't have to ask for you to put a load of laundry in the wash machine, if I didn't have to ask those things, but on the same token, I also want to give credit where credit's due when some husbands do say, okay, what do you need from me? Tell me what you need so that I can help you and make your life easier.
SPEAKER_01:You know, and she was like, I saw, sorry, I saw a lot of people say weapon, weaponizing incompetence.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:But my thing is that it's not that I don't see what you need to be done. Yeah, is right, is because we have such defined roles in what we do, what who's responsible for. Once I pick up on the fact that you're falling behind, I will offer to help.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, you you have offered to help, yeah. And I will or you get out of my way when I don't need your help, but I just need you not to bother me. Right. Like I just like this past weekend. Like this week. Yes, like this weekend.
SPEAKER_01:Like I told, I told, I told our daughter this week, I said, look here, leave your mama alone.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, and I told him, I was like, like, you guys, leave me alone. Just leave her alone.
SPEAKER_01:I said, Don't ask her no questions.
SPEAKER_03:I'm not cooking nothing. I'm not don't ask her for nothing. Nothing. I just want to clean in my own space.
SPEAKER_01:I can understand that. But going back to like, we're going back to the same feeling off often feeling feeling neglected and all that, the lack of cons I that is again, what we always talk about, that is just strictly communication. You have to be willing to have the hard, harsh conversations with your partner.
SPEAKER_03:Okay, now you say that, and I agree. I 100% agree. But when she uh back to the story, because I was gonna say, because we had we've had similar instances where she had told him, the wife, she said, if you could just make sure the dishwasher is emptied by the morning because when I'm getting the kids ready, when I'm getting the kids ready in the morning and I'm trying to feed a baby and chase toddlers and put school clothes on and I'm packing lunches, I need to be able to go straight to the water bottles. I need to be able to go straight to the lunch. You know, so but I can't be searching for things and where's the lid to this? She was like, so you can make sure, like I'm putting them in at night before bed, if you can get up before me and empty them and put everything back where it goes, then I know that when I'm packing lunches, I can just go, you know, to the cabinets and grab everything. He does it, right? And she's like, like most of the time, if I express this is what I need, it gets done for a certain amount of time. Then eventually it starts drifting off again and starts drifting off. So then it becomes one of those things like she's constantly reminding. I'm constantly, and at this point, if I have to keep constantly reminding you of things, then that now still builds on the aspect of my brain that you don't listen to me, that you don't value me, that you don't care about what I'm telling you how I feel. Because if I have to constantly remind you that this is the help that you said you would offer me to make my life easier, to make my life more manageable, so that I can be a better wife to you, a better mother to our kids. And then it only happened three weeks in a row, but I have to keep every three weeks I have to keep reminding you. Okay, well, now you're not listening to me. You don't care about how I feel. You just did it to soothe me in the moment.
SPEAKER_01:I gave you what you needed in the moment.
SPEAKER_03:You gave me what I needed in the moment, but I'm telling you this is a long-term thing.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, so and then my response to that would be again, communication. This, this in my mind, what the conversation that we would need to have to say that was us in our scenario, is to say, hey, babe, going forward, this is what I need.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Don't say I need this, this is what I need for you in the morning.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:I need you to say going forward this morning. Every morning. This is what I need. This is what I need.
SPEAKER_03:This needs to become your habit. Right, right. This needs to become your habit.
SPEAKER_01:So I gotta get up early.
SPEAKER_03:And what I need from you to make it easier for me to help you.
SPEAKER_01:But like I but like I said, we have we sat down and we had a conversation and set very defined roles of who's responsible for what. Yeah. So there is no arguing about what needs to be done because when when we see something, we understand whose job it is to do.
SPEAKER_06:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Right. And I also understand that I can pick up when you're overwhelmed. And and like you said, sometimes I need to just get out your way. Yeah. So that you can turn your podcast on and have Miss Annie Elise in your ear.
SPEAKER_03:Shout out to Annie Elise girl. I would love to be on an episode, by the way. I'm a fan. Okay, Annie.
SPEAKER_01:Just have you know, just have her in your ear while you while you doing your deep cleaning.
SPEAKER_03:Right.
SPEAKER_01:And sometimes you just need to, hey, I need you to cook dinner and clean the kitchen afterwards and pick your daughter up and take. I get it.
SPEAKER_03:Or like the like the other day, I was like, I would really just love to eat out tonight and go to the bookstore. Right. So would you call it Barney's? Barnays and noble's.
SPEAKER_01:That's crazy.
SPEAKER_03:If you could take me for a trip to Barnays and Noblaze and maybe a dinner, like that would be that would be nice.
SPEAKER_01:And mind you guys, we went out to eat without the child. So it was great. Um yeah, but that that that again, it's communication. Yeah. And I I do understand that I feel I do feel like a lot of couples don't want to communicate because maybe the communication process process isn't always pleasant.
SPEAKER_03:Or they're not great at getting their what they're trying to say across. Because, you know, that's without hurting feelings.
SPEAKER_01:Or someone feeling defensive.
SPEAKER_03:Right. Or someone feeling defensive, or like, yeah, it could be that too, but it could also literally be them not knowing how to put it into words. Right. You know what I mean? Like you physically not knowing how to put into words. Right. I agree. So when we say like the good guy, like, yes, he does all these things, like he's great with the kids, or like he's a provider, or he tries to create a space for you. Like, all of that is is great. And that's what we would deem like a good guy. Okay. But do we still have fun together? Do we go out? Can you make me laugh? Am I emotionally connected to you? Am I emotionally connected to you? Get get your iPad stand together, dude. You broke it, bro. No, I didn't. Um, like those, those are, those are things that are still just as equally important. And I can understand from the male perspective about how some men could think, um, you know, we're damned if we do, we're damned if we don't. Girl? If we if we don't have a job, we're a piece of crap. But then if we work all the time and you don't get to spend time with us, we're a piece of crap. Like we can't win for losing. What did Bobby say?
SPEAKER_01:What did Bobby say? What she always complained about me never being home. But when I'm there, I'm broke.
SPEAKER_03:But when I'm there, I'm broke.
SPEAKER_01:She's always complaining about what a girlfriend's got and what she ain't got. And she wants me to go out there and get it for her. But I can't be at two places at one time.
SPEAKER_03:And I can understand how that can be a tough position to be in. Like, I'm I'm not gonna sit here and act like I'm not gonna sit here and act like you, like men don't have their own struggles. Oh, yeah. Yeah, because you absolutely do. Like, and it is a lot of we have a lot of responsibility as women and especially as mothers, but you guys have a great responsibility too. Cause like I always tell you, I'm I'm so grateful that I was born female.
SPEAKER_01:It has really at least three weeks, at least three weeks off the month.
SPEAKER_03:Bye, Maurice. You know, like I would the the pressures that are put on men, like we I have my own pressures to deal with. I'm you know, I'm black, I'm female, like I have my own pressures. I'm not doing this with you. I'm not doing this with you. But to be a like to be a man and this the pressures that society has put on you guys, I mean the pressures y'all put on yourself too. I'm not gonna let's let's not let's not go there. It's a different company topic. Let's move it on. Um, but it's it can it can be a lot.
SPEAKER_01:It no, it is a lot. It's a constant battle, it's a constant battle to straddle the line of being around just enough so that your family knows that you care and love and that you're present and gone and hands on and gone just enough to make sure they can do all the things they want to do. It's a it's a fine line.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And it is hard. I'm sure. Because when your daughter asks you every day, can she go on a Disney cruise? As a play date, but she don't want you to go to work. How are we gonna make this happen?
SPEAKER_03:Baby, that's not how that works.
SPEAKER_01:Daddy gotta go to work to get the money for the Disney cruise.
unknown:Okay.
SPEAKER_03:Oh, she's funny. But okay, so some of the like top reasons that women will divorce the good guy.
SPEAKER_01:Let's go through these quick.
SPEAKER_03:Um, we talked a little bit about the emotional disconnect, emotional, um, the communication breakdown.
SPEAKER_01:Okay.
SPEAKER_03:Another one is lack of intimacy or sexual fulfillment.
SPEAKER_01:Now look here, like we talked about last week. Dissatisfactory. You gotta make sure she's getting it good.
SPEAKER_03:Okay. There was, oh, what was the article? It was there was an article that was published, and it was saying that um like 40 or like 40 or 45% of women over the age of 40 have never experienced an orgasm.
SPEAKER_01:That's crazy. I had my first one before I was a teenager. That's that's TMI.
SPEAKER_03:Um I we we probably should discuss that later because it it also goes back into like with the conversations about how women also will divorce the good guy, about how unfulfilled women are sexually in in marriages. Because I think sometimes, you know, and and we've we've spoken about this personally too, where it wasn't until I feel like I started to mature, like in life, where I was just like, oh no, if that if that didn't work the first time.
SPEAKER_01:Let's do it again. Let's run it back.
SPEAKER_03:We're gonna have to run that back. But I can also see, like, had I not got to that level of comfortability with you, it it it's it's easy for women to just be like, like, that's just I can I just have to accept it is what it is, and like maybe this part of our relationship isn't for me and it's really it's really for him.
SPEAKER_01:But you also had a partner that's was willing to learn.
SPEAKER_03:Right, right.
SPEAKER_01:But and now I have a good idea of what gets you there.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, you do, you do, because I wasn't accepting anything less. But well, now I have the beef. Okay, bye. But I say that because like I said, I could understand if that was something that like continued, I'm I could have understood like women who go through that where they're just in a marriage where they feel sexually unfulfilled by their partner. You can take on the attitude of like, if he if it's if he's someone who is not willing to take the criticism or listen to the feedback, or you know, is a participate part participating partner in the sense of making your pleasure a priority, and you just kind of shut down in that way, and you're just like, you know, this is this is this part of the life is for him anyway. Like, that's what men try to prioritize the most is like sex, not all men. But that's you know, that's a high priority, and it's a high priority in relationship in general. But when we speak about here, yeah, but when we speak about um by Maurice, put your hand down. But when we speak about sexual satisfaction, in in your in your marriage, people tend to really focus that around men. It's not primarily focused around women, it's focused around men. Do you agree? Disagree?
SPEAKER_00:I agree.
SPEAKER_03:Okay. Um, let's see, taking her for granted, mental load. We talked about that growing apart, um, unmet, oh, unmet growth and ambition. Okay. So some women have expressed that they feel limited or unsupported in their goals, especially if their husband doesn't grow with them.
SPEAKER_01:I've seen that both ways. Yes, I've seen I've seen that where he's grown and she's not, and she's growing and he's not. And I think that comes with life too.
SPEAKER_03:That comes with life too, because as we're getting older, we're evolving. Yeah. Right? And the new used to be on the fifth floor. Right. By Maurice. Um, we're evolving. Okay. So I had saw a video that had talked about, excuse me, about how um they said that it takes six years, up to six years, um, postpartum for a woman to really start to get back some of the characteristics that she had prior to childbirth. Like brain chemical-wise, right? It's taking you so long. I'm going to sock you in the face. Cut it out. And it just made me think about kind of like where I am now in my life, right? Getting back into exploring my interests, being like excited about things that are new, like getting back into my hobbies and stuff. And you remember when after I had Phoenix for the longest time, I kept saying, I just don't feel like myself. Like me. Like I it literally is like you can't, you really can't like put it into words. There is just, it's almost like an identity crisis. Where, and I remember posting it on Facebook, and like all my friends were responding, and they were like, girl, like it's perfectly normal. This is part of the postpartum. It's the chemicals in your brain, like it might be a little bit of depression.
SPEAKER_01:It was crazy because you're like, Where did me? And I was like, You're in Macy's, you're in Old Navy. Bye, Maurice. You're in Sephora. Goodbye. Do you see the bags you bring home every day? Goodbye.
SPEAKER_03:You're you're out there. It looks like you found her. So you definitely out there. No, but it's it, it is, it's true. It's like it's an it's like an identity crisis, basically, like I like I want to say. But I say all that to say as we as we're growing and we're going into a different phase of our life where I'm starting to explore, re-explore those aspects about myself, right? I could see how if you have a partner who is not on that same level, like being interested in their hobbies or exploring a new part of their life that you know they're just stagnant in that way, I could see how you would feel like you guys are growing apart. Okay. Because you feel as though I'm trying to do things new or I'm trying to like stay in shape, I'm trying to like hit new goals, I'm trying to be proactive, I'm trying to be intentional. And every time I look at you, you're like stale peanuts.
SPEAKER_01:Damn, stale peanuts is crazy.
SPEAKER_03:But it made me think about five guys, huh? It made me think about um our drip, our gym friend. Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_05:Which one?
SPEAKER_03:Uh, Marlena. Okay. When she was saying about how her her mom and dad are like at odds right now, right? And they've been married for like 30 plus years. But she's like, in the beginning of my parents' marriage, my dad stayed gone so much because he worked like around the clock. He was working, he was working. My mom was home, she was doing her thing. And now he's retired. And so he does what retired people do. He teeed up. He that's exactly it. He rests, he has his lazy boy, he kicks it at home. And her mom went back to school. And she's becoming an accountant. And he's supportive of it. She's outside. And so now she's like, but every time she comes home and she sees my dad not doing anything, it like pisses her off. And he's like, You don't forget, I've been working for I'm retired. I'm retired. And I that's why I said, but they're like I told her, they're in two different stages of their later life now. Yeah, they're gonna figure it out. That's just and that's just how the relationship is. It you know what I mean? Like they're going to figure it out. But right now, she's exploring, she's learning things new. Her brain is being stimulated, she's going back out into the world. The kids are adults, she doesn't have to worry about you guys. She gets to focus on herself. And then he's done all of the all of the work. He's, you know, he's paid the way. You can do all these things. And when you come home, it's like you're probably excited and up here. And he's like, here.
SPEAKER_01:We could have talked about that 20 years ago. We should have had that.
SPEAKER_03:Sorry, babe. I'm just really not that excited for you.
SPEAKER_01:We should have talked about this 20 years ago.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, you know, so I could see how I could see how people feel like they would be growing apart in that way. But it's just a moment in time. You know? Um, lack of commitment to long-term vision. Okay. Okay. Sometimes um he is good, but not fully aligned with her long-term vision for the relationship when it pertains to finances or family or values. Okay. Okay. Um, emotional or verbal neglect. We've talked about that. Okay. Or the power imbalance or resentment in the roles. Despite being the good guy, he may not engage equally in the household or family responsibilities, and the mental and emotional burdens mostly fall on the wife. Okay. Your your favorite words in there, emotion. What? Nothing. Oh, okay. Um, so from the male perspective, some of the things that men here we go.
SPEAKER_01:This this episode is really about the girls. It's we it's about. You know, I'm just here to for the girls. Just I'm here to just try to help us poor men alone.
SPEAKER_03:Oh gosh. Okay. Um don't act like a victim.
SPEAKER_01:It says here are some common things from men's perspectives based on commentary, personal stories, and uh men's media analysis, right? So when they when guys hear, oh, she left a good guy or she divorced a good guy, they think of confusion and hurt. Many men can report that they don't see what they did wrong.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, I can see that.
SPEAKER_01:Uh they were kind, helpful, respectful. So they feel a lot of times they feel blindsided. Like they feel like everything was going good, and now my baby's gone.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, I don't understand where this is coming from. Like Luther said, it's coming from the 50 times I asked you to empty the goddamn dishwasher.
SPEAKER_01:Uh, they also they reported feeling unappreciated. Like I was good to her. I did everything she asked me to.
SPEAKER_03:No, I did what I what I was supposed to do.
SPEAKER_01:Right.
SPEAKER_03:But you didn't do nothing I asked you to do.
SPEAKER_01:They feel frustrated with expectations. Like, assuming that it says good men sometimes are stressed that the expectations placed on them are vague, are uh are constantly shifting. Now that now that I understand I can understand and agree with because depending on the day and the mood, what is is what is required or expected of me changes change, right? A sense of inj uh injustice, you know, simply being left for not being flashy or dominant. You know, some some guys are not the bravado, they're not gonna puff their chest out.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, I don't need you to puff your chest out, but I need to like like I need to feel like that's my man. I need you to be in here and be like, I'm the man. Oh, right. I'm happy and I want to feel that way.
SPEAKER_01:I'm happy you they said that because it's also they also mentioned about resentment over nice equaling weak. I'm not weak because I'm nice. Over what? Over nice equaling weak. Like nice.
SPEAKER_03:Oh, like you're weak because you're nice, right?
SPEAKER_01:Some nice guys believe their kindness is misinterpreted as a lack of backbone and that their emotional generosity is a liability rather than a strength. So I was too kind. See, this is this is by I was too kind. This is what happens when uh the nice guy he gets done wrong and then he turns to a ho.
SPEAKER_03:He turns savage.
SPEAKER_01:Savage. I know a couple.
SPEAKER_03:No, right?
SPEAKER_01:Desire for mutual for mutual growth. Many say that uh they would stay in the marriage. Uh I'm sorry, many say they would they would say if the marriage involved mutual growth, let's grow together, not I provide, you receive. And that's the from the men that felt like their relationships were one-sided.
SPEAKER_06:Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_01:Like I'm out here doing everything, and while you're living the cushy life. You're living what you deem your software. Right. So so soft as Charmin.
SPEAKER_03:Okay. Bye.
SPEAKER_01:And finally, that's what you promised me.
SPEAKER_03:No.
SPEAKER_01:Okay. And finally, we're good over miss over miss signals. A number of men admit they misread or miss relations, uh, relational relational signals. A woman's dissatisfaction. Oh my god.
SPEAKER_00:Hey, I'm struggling with that. You need some hooked on phonics?
SPEAKER_01:I might. A woman's dissatisfaction was expressed through emotional cues that they did not pick up on. And this I understand because I am not really good at picking up on emotional cues. I more so pick up on your body language, and when you when your actions towards me start to change, and I'll be like, okay, what the hell did I do? Then I then get snappy. Right. Then now I gotta do a replay in my head and try to figure it out. And then it's like a whole another equation. But I get them around to it. You know?
SPEAKER_03:Just don't ask me like I think what did you ask me this morning? You asked me something, but it really like it internally, like it irritated the shit out of me. I found a new way to piss it up. Because yes, oh, it was it was my greens. You were asking um if I wanted my greens. Yeah. And you were like, um, do I do one scoop or two? And it was a valid question because you don't know if I do one scoop or two. Because I don't make them. But immediately in my head, you know what I said? Read the bottle, nigga. That's exactly what I said. That is exactly what I said. Oh my gosh. Like when you were like, do one scoop, one scoop or two. And in my head, I was like, read the fucking thing. But it would get quicker for me to ask you because I was doing it so all it burned, it burned my little person inside. That's why I said it was a legit question.
SPEAKER_01:In that moment, not only was I trying to get our drinks together, I was I was packing a lunch and making breakfast and making all at the same time.
SPEAKER_03:And then you still found a way to piss me off in the process.
SPEAKER_01:Crazy work. So you see that, fellas, even when you try to do right, no, you do wrong. So just do wrong. No, even when you do right, you do wrong.
SPEAKER_03:No, that wasn't that wasn't like against you, but in my mind, I was just thinking, because if it wasn't that just it wasn't just that singular instance, it's just like an overall, it can be like an overall theme. And that was just one more like drop in the bucket where you ask things that you can either figure out for yourself, but I know the reason you're asking me for it is because it's a shortcut. Okay. You know what I'm saying? And it's like sometimes shortcuts are okay, but take the long route. Come on, let's um so some of the key takeaways, so we can wrap this up, okay? So some concrete takeaways and reflective questioning, okay? Ask yourself am I emotionally present, not just materially present? Because that's a big one. We we love a good providership, financial providership. We love we the girls love a good financial providership. It makes us warm and cozy. I know. Um but we my man, my man, my man.
SPEAKER_01:Can't stand y'all.
SPEAKER_03:Goodbye. Um, but we also need some emotional presence. We also need some hugs, some kisses, some conference some affirmations. Oh, I'm gonna do that. Okay. Um, have I stopped quote unquote hoarding my spouse after marriage? And I think that's a question that men should really ask because date nights don't stop just because you got me to say yes to you.
SPEAKER_01:I get freakier.
SPEAKER_03:Okay. That's not what happens. Do we um have shared goals and are those being revisited? This I was telling you, what was I telling you today? I was like, we're gonna start doing the um the weekly recap or like the weekly check-in of how we felt, like rating our marriage on a scale of one to five. It was a one this week for snippet. You're so lucky there's not a fork near me. Um violence is our answer. Violence is our answer, people. Um, just to do a check-in, because I think check-ins are really like really important, you know. Like if you scale it on a scale of one, on a scale of one to five, how much did you like being married this week? Okay, you know, like revisiting things, goals, but setting goals, couple goals. Um, let's see. What needs am I not naming or not feel that are being met?
SPEAKER_01:How much time you got?
SPEAKER_03:Send it to me in an email. Um, and how much of my frustration is about unmet emotional connection versus logistics? Okay, we talked a lot about logistics last week. That's an important one. What? Nothing. Because I put my pen in your hand.
SPEAKER_01:Nothing, ma'am. Come save me. I'm blinking slow.
SPEAKER_03:Okay, goodbye.
SPEAKER_01:Have I communicated these needs clearly or assume they should just know? And see, a lot of women just assume we should know.
SPEAKER_03:No, now we should know. If he read letters, okay, but then you vote. Your own words, if you know your partner, right? I know the one I married. If you know your partner, your own words. I know the one I married. I don't know what she involved into. Some things should go without saying.
SPEAKER_01:When I met her, she was still in the cocoon. Now she's a butterfly.
SPEAKER_03:Some things should go without saying.
SPEAKER_01:She was a now she's a butterfly.
SPEAKER_03:She was in a cocoon when I met it. By Maurice. By Maurice, I'm not doing it. Anyway, so the the basis comes down to communicate your unmet needs, guys. Okay, communication is key, like we always say, you're gonna keep hearing it because relationship topics, hello. Communication is always key. Um, if he can be a good guy for somebody else, maybe you can make it work and he can be a good guy for you. And if not, and if divorce is what needs to happen, everybody has to do what they gotta do to make life fit for themselves. This is it's all a journey. Nothing is um pre written out for us. So make it do what it do.
SPEAKER_01:Make it do what it do.
SPEAKER_03:Uh do. Uh do. All right, guys, let's hop right on into the comment of the week. I was gonna say the commentary. No, you wasn't. Yes, it was.
SPEAKER_01:The comment of the week comes from Candy Girl 1908. Now, this comment is on the clip about the mom who said that the um the girlfriend was temporary.
SPEAKER_03:Oh. Right.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah. That was hilarious.
SPEAKER_01:Candy girl said that was hilarious. She said, Mama did the most and that man did the least. Oh well. What's for dinner? Everybody.
SPEAKER_03:Mama did the most and that man did the least. Oh well.
SPEAKER_01:And I said, right. Why are we arguing about this? I can't. Why are we arguing about this? Because she know um mama know damn well she was wrong.
SPEAKER_03:You think she cares?
SPEAKER_01:She don't care.
SPEAKER_03:She's a very ass beaten. You think mama cares?
SPEAKER_01:And the second comedy week comes from the video of where the husband came back early and his wife was cheating and he stole he took the he took the clothes.
SPEAKER_03:Oh, yes, I remember.
SPEAKER_01:Um uh uh this person says that he didn't rob anybody, anyone. He just cleaned his living room, fairly, which is true.
SPEAKER_03:He didn't rob anyone, he just cleaned his living room.
SPEAKER_01:He just walked in the house and say, you know, this stuff don't belong here.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, let me just pick this up because my wife does not like mess. Right.
SPEAKER_01:I'm trying to make sure I'm trying to keep it tidy.
SPEAKER_03:Because I know that woman does not like mess.
SPEAKER_01:I'm trying to keep it tidy. Okay, but we appreciate y'all.
SPEAKER_03:I can't.
SPEAKER_01:Them comments have me. Uh I'll be done.
SPEAKER_03:The comments are hilarious. You guys are hilarious.
SPEAKER_01:I'll be in tears.
SPEAKER_03:Um, okay, let's hop right on into RT cents. RT cents. Um, let's see. Am I the jerk for refusing to pay my boyfriend back for a trip that I didn't go on? Okay, come on. Okay. My boyfriend Alex, who's 30, planned a weekend ski trip with me, female who's 28, and two of his friends. He told me the cost would be around$300 for lodging, food, and lift passes. I said, okay. Two weeks before the trip, I sprained my ankle badly and was put in a brace. I told Alex that I couldn't ski and probably shouldn't travel, and he agreed. Fast forward, the weekend comes and goes. When he gets home, he hands me an itemized spreadsheet and says, Well, I got in here. You can just transfer it to me when you get a chance. I stared at him like, What? I didn't go. I didn't benefit from anything. He said they quote unquote didn't want to lose the reservation, so they kept the bigger cabin instead of downgrading. But here's the kicker. His friend's girlfriend ended up going in my place. So the cabin wasn't missing a person. I told him that I'm not paying for a vacation that I didn't attend. And he said, but I budgeted expecting your share. You're screwing me financially. I said his decision to keep an expensive cabin and invite someone else has nothing to do with me. Now he's sulking and telling his friends that I bailed and stuck him with the bill. Am I the jerk?
SPEAKER_01:Broke boys don't deserve no. I know that's right. This is crazy. I didn't go. I didn't go.
SPEAKER_03:But wait, how did my end? But even though I didn't go, you told me that my cost would be 300. I don't go. And then it somehow doubled. And then and then and then and then somebody else went in my place. Is she paying? Did she pay? Right. No, she didn't because if you replaced her with me accounting for my money, that means she didn't pay anything. So I think you need to send her a request for$680.
SPEAKER_01:You gave this bill to the wrong person.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, I did. I'm gonna go ahead and you know what? Don't even worry about it. I'm gonna send her the request. I'm gonna send her the request and I'm gonna tell her just to go ahead and forward it to you.
SPEAKER_00:This can't be real.
SPEAKER_03:That's hilarious.
SPEAKER_00:This can't be real. Who knows? This cannot be real. She didn't even go on the trip.
SPEAKER_03:Maurice, but he budgeted for that space with that body. But didn't he didn't he want to take her on the trip? Wasn't he taking her on a trip? Yeah, but she sprained her ankle, so she said she couldn't go. So his mind, his way of thinking it.
SPEAKER_01:So what I'm hearing is that he couldn't go on the trip unless she contributed anyway.
SPEAKER_03:But here's the thing: he said we didn't want to lose the reservation.
SPEAKER_01:Do better. Do better. Do better.
SPEAKER_03:So you could have done a reservation. You could have done another reservation minus her.
SPEAKER_01:Why did why didn't you stay home and help take care of her so she couldn't get around? Bye. That wasn't gonna happen to Miss the Ski Trip. Crazy. Crazy word.
SPEAKER_03:Um, here we go. My bridesmaid wore a bright red dress to my all-black wedding as a prank. Okay. Absolutely not. Um, my 25-year-old female uh wedding was just under two weeks ago. And honestly, it was the happiest day of my entire life. But of course, every wedding has that one person who decides the day isn't about the couple at all. For us, that person was one of my bridesmaids, and we'll just call her Olga. Our theme was all black, not mostly black, not black with a pop of color, black, and everyone knew this, wedding party included. On the wedding morning, all my bridesmaids looked gorgeous, elegant, matchy, classy. We were supposed to leave the room together and head to the chapel, but right as we walked out, Olga suddenly claimed she needed to fix her makeup and would meet us there. Fine. No drama yet. We waited in a cute little lounge before the ceremony. Then, five minutes before the entrance, Olga arrives in a bright, tight red dress and not a subtle red. I mean stop sign red. She told the choreographer that I had approved it, which I obviously haven't. When the doors opened and I started walking down the aisle, I was totally locked in on my husband until that flash of red burned into my peripheral vision. There she was, front row, standing out like a fire alarm at a funeral. I held it together for the ceremony because I wasn't, I wasn't gonna let her ruin anything. But the second it ended, I went to her. Before I could even speak, she burst out laughing, laughing so hard she couldn't breathe. Then she said, You should have seen your face. I was so furious. I couldn't get words out. My hands were literally shaking. I quietly told the photographer to keep her out of every single photo and ignore her the rest of the night. Since that day after the wedding, she has been nonstop messaging me paragraphs about how it was just a prank, how I'm taking things too seriously, and how I should relax because it was all in good fun. It's been almost two weeks, and I still have not replied to her. Do I comfort her? Do I block her in the relationship? How do you come back from someone humiliating you on your wedding day and then laughing about it in your face?
SPEAKER_01:There's only one way she comes back from this. She sends you a check for the exact amount of everything that day cost you. That's the only way she comes back.
SPEAKER_00:If she can't send you the check, cut her ass off.
SPEAKER_03:That's hate disguise. Yeah. That is hate disguised as a prank. You don't do no shit like that on my wedding day. I don't find that funny. And if you thought that that was appropriate to do, then clearly, you don't know me as your friend. Here's the thing you don't know me as your friend.
SPEAKER_01:As the groom standing up there, I would have asked her ass to leave.
SPEAKER_03:But he didn't, he probably didn't know.
SPEAKER_01:Babe.
SPEAKER_03:He no she was a prize maid, wasn't she? Yeah, but she probably she could have been a maid of honor or something. He probably thought, like, oh, she wants her to stand out because that's her best friend.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, no.
SPEAKER_03:He babe, he chances are he did not know.
SPEAKER_01:I don't know.
SPEAKER_03:I would have asked. I'm trying to give him an out.
SPEAKER_01:No. I would have asked him, I would have asked her to leave. And ma'am, fuck her. I would but hold on. The line about the fire uh alarm and in and at a funeral.
SPEAKER_03:Uh a red stop red uh clock it.
SPEAKER_01:Bye. That was good. Bye. But no, like I said, the only way I would allow her back in my life if she would refund me every it's not a joke because what you're not gonna do is take a moment that is supposed to mean something greatly to me and then make fun of it.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, because you're lonely because you're lonely, single ass.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, we don't know if she's eating TV dinners, we don't know she's and matching with people on Tinder and not being and they not matching back with your ugly ass.
SPEAKER_03:We don't know.
SPEAKER_01:I don't know. I'm just I'm just being petty. Okay, I can't fuck her.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, that's no, that's hate disguised as a prank. She she that was like jealousy. I'm gonna go as far as to say that was jealousy. That's jealousy because you no one in their right mind is going to take something that's so important to a friend, such as their wedding day. That's not a friend, and and think it's okay. That of all days, that's the day that you want to plan a prank. Of all days, my wedding day is gonna be the day you want to plan a prank. Absolutely not.
SPEAKER_01:I keep telling people social media is not a real place. Come do that prank shit to me in public, you will get hit.
SPEAKER_00:I can't.
SPEAKER_03:Okay, well, let's hit one more. This one is from a fellow Booski. Booskies. Shout out, Booski. Um, it says, Am I the asshole for still wanting to leave? I met my husband 18 years ago. We've been together for 17 years and married for 14 years. From the beginning, my mother-in-law made it clear that she never wanted me, even told her son that it would be over her dead body. When I got pregnant, his parents insisted we got married before I started showing. I agreed against my parents' wishes and they didn't attend the wedding. His parents planned everything, but we paid for it. Life was hard, but we managed. Before marriage, I had my own apartment while he still lived with his parents. And after the wedding, he moved in with me. He had no job, so I worked and supported us. And I even gave him my credit card so he wouldn't have to ask me for money. Ten years later, he was arrested and jailed for three years after becoming physically aggressive with someone. And to be honest, he had been physically aggressive with me many times too. I waited for him to get out, hoping he would change, but nothing did. It started affecting our four boys. He stopped hitting me, but there was no intimacy. Our sex life was almost non-existent, and he spent no time with us at all. He just slept whenever he wasn't working. I got tired and started looking for a way out. I confined in a friend that the steps I was taking. He went through my phone, he found the messages and got upset and saying that he was gonna leave. A week later, he told me that he had been sick for three years with a neurological illness that will get worse, and that only him and his mother knew. He said that he needs me because he can't survive on his own at all. So am I the asshole for still wanting to leave? Not at all. No.
SPEAKER_01:Fuck him and his mama. Let his mama take care of him.
SPEAKER_03:No, since she since she knows him so well. Not since she knows him so well.
SPEAKER_01:Let his ass be a burden to his mama. Look, there's so many red flags here. And I don't want to piss her off, but she wrote in, I'ma just take, I'm gonna give you the real. I don't want to piss her off. First of all, the first red flag is he was sleeping with his mama when you got pregnant by him and then let and married him. That's crazy work.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. He's he's things happen. He's not even stable. Things happen. Then you proceed to have four more children by him.
SPEAKER_01:Three more. Yeah, three, three more. And he goes to jail for and then he was putting a hand. First, look here. I don't know him personally. I don't agree with men putting their hands on women. I feel like if you have the head of woman that feels like you somebody, you just a bitch.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, but he has a neurological disorder.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, okay. Probably from getting his head beat in at the jail for hitting women.
SPEAKER_03:Maybe, but that happened probably right now.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, whatever. You're not an asshole, leave his ass.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, the anytime that there is like abuse, like, you know, I'm all for trying to stick out. I'm all for trying to make your relationship work. I am. I really am.
SPEAKER_00:Crazy coming from you.
SPEAKER_03:Um, but when there is uh physical stuff happening, violence, and you have children, yeah, and you have children and stuff, um, you have to think, you have to think about your own safety and the safety of your kids. So from that alone, whether it's in the past or whatever, from that alone, I'm gonna say, you're not the asshole for wanting to leave. You gotta do what you got to do. And then what what exactly is this neurological disorder that he has that is the name of it? That's supposed to get progressively. What is it, right? And then also, and then also I want to see the medical records because have you been going to the doctor? It's only been three years. So have you been going to the doctor about this? Like, do you have an actual medical diagnosis or is this like a self-diagnosis? And even if we're no longer together, I can still support you from afar just so that you don't feel like you're being completely dumped off. I'm not gonna financially carry you anymore, but I can maybe go to a doctor's appointment with you, maybe help look over your prescriptions for you. I can make sure I can't, I can't service your life anymore because we can't be together in that capacity anymore. That doesn't work for me.
SPEAKER_01:I can make sure your boys know who you are.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, yeah. You and you can, yeah, you as long as they're safe, you can definitely see your children for sure. I can support you, but I don't have to like be with you to do so. But I'm not going to like no longer financially support you either, and you're not gonna get the chance to use it as a like an excuse, you know, or tug on my heart strings. We're not doing that. Nope. So no, you're not the asshole. So do what you gotta do. Do what you gotta do. All right, guys. This has been another episode of the Life After I Do podcast. If you're not doing so already, you already know the routine. You can like, follow, share, comment, do all of the fun things on all of our social media platforms. Follow us at Life After I Do Podcast on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Facebook. We appreciate all the new Booskies that have joined the family. You guys are awesome. We love you down bad. We love you down bad. So continue letting everybody know about your friends, your friend Booskies over here.
SPEAKER_01:And Phoenix wants to say thank you, everybody, for all the love for her vibe check last week.
SPEAKER_03:She she wants to say thank you because she said make sure you follow her. Yeah. Crazy work. She's hilarious. But it's Phoenix Rain2035 on Instagram. You can go ahead and follow her. Crazy. You guys can go ahead and follow my baby. Um, but yes, you get a new episode every Wednesday, guys. And until then, peace, Booskies. Peace Booskies.
