Life After I Do Podcast

10 Year Check Up

• Life After I Do • Season 1 • Episode 106

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After more than a decade together, we asked each other: what’s actually keeping this marriage working?

In this episode, we talk about growing through conflict, redefining intimacy, and finding compatibility through both shared space and personal freedom. We’re honest about disagreements (including the future kid debate) and laugh through the ways we’re still learning.

We also weigh in on two complicated listener stories—one about a messy break during separation, and another about hiding a partner from status-obsessed parents.

This one’s full of honesty, humor, and practical takeaways for any couple looking to make love last long-term.

Thanks for rocking with us! Don’t forget to follow Life After I Do so you never miss an episode. Got a relationship situation you want us to weigh in on? Hit us at https://linktr.ee/lifeafteridopodcast — we just might talk about it in a future episode.

SPEAKER_01:

Honestly, I do think it's 50-50 because there is sometimes where I genuinely do not understand your thought process on something or how you're trying to express yourself. And I really wholeheartedly want to understand what you're feeling and how that's coming off or what you're going through. Like I I really want to just be like stick me in the mud so I don't move, so I can really understand what you're what you're saying and how you're feeling. And then there's other times where I can feel I I really don't because hey everybody and welcome back to another episode of the Lady Podcast. I hope you all are having a wonderful uh week, week, month, day, evening, boy, it was a new month. Um thanks for joining us today. We're gonna be kicking it with us, yeah, Nisha G, Mo Lethal.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm just I'm just I'm just her husband. I'm nobody in particular.

SPEAKER_01:

That man.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm nobody in particular.

SPEAKER_01:

That man.

SPEAKER_00:

In her own words, during labor, him. I'm just him. She told the nurse him, him, him will be here.

SPEAKER_01:

I said, him over there.

SPEAKER_00:

Him, I guess.

SPEAKER_01:

That sucker that put me here.

SPEAKER_00:

Wow.

SPEAKER_01:

Him. That sucker.

SPEAKER_00:

That's crazy work because you were.

SPEAKER_01:

Wow. Just gonna blame it all on the woman, huh?

SPEAKER_00:

I mean, I was having a good time. Wow. And you were like, to came in drunk one night, took advantage of it.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, okay. I hope everyone's enjoying charges. I should have pressed charges. I hope everyone's enjoying their time, whether you're driving in the car, cleaning the house, you know, just walking in the park. Apparently, that's a real thing.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I didn't know that.

SPEAKER_01:

What is it? What was it?

SPEAKER_00:

He said it was like a where you cook meals for people. Ohly pants.

SPEAKER_01:

Only pants. I didn't know that was a real sight.

SPEAKER_00:

It's a real thing.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh. You learn something new. Learn something new every day.

SPEAKER_00:

Crazy work.

SPEAKER_01:

How was your week, babe?

SPEAKER_00:

It was um it was tiring. It was tiring, you know. It's hard being a man.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, is it?

SPEAKER_00:

Let me let me let me recreate that.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. It's hard being a good man.

SPEAKER_00:

It's hard to be a good man.

SPEAKER_01:

Because if I was a deadbeat, life would be on easy street.

SPEAKER_00:

Easy street. Wow, I'm easy. Oh, wow. Well, I guess easy like Sunday morning.

SPEAKER_01:

I guess we should be appreciative that you're not a deadbeat. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

But you know, most importantly, Go Birds. I don't even know. We're recording on Sunday. I don't even know if we're gonna win yet. But it's still Go Birds.

SPEAKER_01:

Because aren't they four and zero? Four though? Four and no. Are they playing? Who are they playing? The Buccaneers?

SPEAKER_00:

We beat the Buccaneers last week.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, that's it.

SPEAKER_00:

Today was Sunday, so by the time they hear that, we're playing the bum ass Broncos. So we should win. Okay. But you know, this team has been up and down.

SPEAKER_01:

Broncos, is that Denver?

SPEAKER_00:

That's Denver.

SPEAKER_01:

Look at you. I know. I know. What can I say? Look at you. I'm a natural sportscaster. I'm like a natural sportscaster now.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, first of all, that's that's not.

SPEAKER_01:

I feel like I could probably apply for a sports journalist job.

SPEAKER_00:

Apparently, Big Tities is my only rep uh never mind.

SPEAKER_01:

Because I feel like I know enough about the game.

SPEAKER_00:

My week was exhausting. You know, changes at work, which irritate me. You know, change irritates me.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, it's crazy work at your big old age. You should be used to it by now. No.

SPEAKER_00:

I've I'm I have I have very much been an old man my whole life. I don't like changes. You're not an old man to my consistency. I like I like to show up and things wild! I like to show up to show up to things go the way I expect them to go every day. That's what I but you know, so when they change, it just irritates me.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So, you know, but you know, hey, I said this week I said long as my check clear.

SPEAKER_01:

How was it? How was your week just personally outside of work? Outside of your identity as an employee.

SPEAKER_00:

How was your week? It was rough being a husband and a father, too. Oh gosh, because my daughter told me every day I ain't shit.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh my gosh, you always say that.

SPEAKER_00:

I wish you stopped saying that.

SPEAKER_01:

But mommy, mommy's like yeah, mommy's like the cream of the crop. I said, Oh, okay. What did she say last night? I was like, uh, what did I say? Uh you had said something like, oh, like you're sexy or beautiful or something. And I was like, no, I'm feeling fat right now. She was like, don't say that. Right. She was like, you're not fat, mommy. You're cute. And I was like, oh, thank you. And then he was like, Am I cute?

SPEAKER_00:

She didn't say nothing. This ain't nothing.

SPEAKER_01:

Silence. She was like, he was like, Oh, so I guess I'm not cute. And she was like, um Yeah. I said, I said, um, I said, uh, daddy is handsome. Uh if you say so. Yeah, yeah, that's right. You're handsome, Dad.

SPEAKER_00:

You know what? It it don't matter. Because they show me every day I ain't shit.

SPEAKER_01:

She was like, uh, yeah, that's it.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm gonna talk about this in therapy too.

SPEAKER_01:

That's right. You're handsome, dad.

SPEAKER_00:

Y'all don't know what it feels like that um she loves you. Stop acting like she needs you like uh y'all don't know what it feels like to feel like you're needed, not wanted. That's how I feel over here.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

A lot of times I feel like I'm needed, I'm not wanted. Like they need me for the financial support I suffer. Okay, good. But I'm not wanting. Like really, but like if I could just stay at work all day, they'd be happy.

SPEAKER_01:

So, like, we literally just had like family day, family game night. We all enjoyed each other's company. We always tell you how much we love you.

SPEAKER_00:

Y'all love spending my money.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, first of all. That's what y'all love. First of all, it's not yours. Um You're right, because it's her. I'm leaving everything to her.

SPEAKER_00:

It's not yours. That's crazy work. I took you off the wheel, you know.

SPEAKER_01:

Boy, please. I would bring you back alive. And then you're not on the wheel.

SPEAKER_00:

Everything goes to her. And then so you better be better.

SPEAKER_01:

I guess I guess it's a good thing that I was at that meeting with the lawyer and I saw exactly where everything is going. And who's the beneficiary of the freaking uh estate? Like crazy word.

SPEAKER_00:

I made a call and make some changes.

SPEAKER_01:

I guess it's a really great thing that you can't make any changes before four years. I was at the meeting too. You sure about that?

SPEAKER_00:

You sure about that?

SPEAKER_01:

You sure about that? I'm positive.

SPEAKER_00:

You sure about that? I'm positive. How was your week, Booskies?

SPEAKER_01:

It was fine.

SPEAKER_00:

We I know this is your best favorite time of the week. Best favors.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, that's not a word.

SPEAKER_00:

Is it today? It is best favorite time of the week. It's not a word.

SPEAKER_01:

It is favorist, favorite.

SPEAKER_00:

It's like favorite with it on the end. Favorists. I can't with you.

SPEAKER_01:

My week was okay.

SPEAKER_00:

That's it. Yeah, it was good. No, you was going through it.

SPEAKER_01:

It was what do you mean I was going through? I can't say it. Um, you gave me a like emotionally?

SPEAKER_00:

You give me a list of things I'm not allowed to talk about.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh my gosh. I do. Why do you persist on telling non-truths?

SPEAKER_00:

I can't say what you were going through. I just didn't say you were going through it.

SPEAKER_01:

Um, no, but uh overall it was a pretty decent week. Really? Yeah. I can't. I mean, I can't. There's no real complaint that I have. Oh, okay. You know, I was feeling a little blue. Blue? A little down. Oh. But it wasn't nothing the gym really couldn't take care of. No, that was because you were around.

SPEAKER_00:

See? See? And I keep telling y'all, I'm not needed. I'm not wanted.

SPEAKER_01:

They literally said that because of what you said, Demand. Oh my gosh, you can't even take a joke. You can't even take a joke. Not goodness. I'm not wanted. I don't need it. Don't let this man convince y'all that don't nobody want him here. Because if he wasn't wanted here, he would not be here.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

And like I say, anybody want to take that shot at her, shoot your shot. Because if you can afford her, if you can afford her, you can have her.

SPEAKER_01:

That's funny because I'm not expensive. I'm not as expensive as I could be.

unknown:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

That's what that's what I like to say. But anyway, my week was fine. I did have a couple of days where I was a little down. I was a little blue, not green or orange, but I was a little blue. If you press that button, I'm gonna pull your what's left of your facial hair, Mr. Moon. Okay. I've been calling him Mr. Moon ever since he cut off his his hair. Like he's uh he still obviously has facial hair, but it's like short. And now he looks like Mr. Moon. Okay. But anywho, yeah, so I had a I had a good week. Week was fine.

SPEAKER_00:

You know what if I had to have your hair get caught under the goddamn bar?

SPEAKER_01:

Get caught under the bar? Yeah, when you when I'm lifting. Oh, the like when you're doing like a um pull-up?

SPEAKER_00:

Uh no, like a bench press, or like when I was uh when I was front squatting and the hair got under the bar and I went and it hurt when I went to reract because I literally pulled my hair.

SPEAKER_01:

Why don't you put a hair clip on it?

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, I'm not doing that. I'm not wild. That isn't wild.

SPEAKER_01:

Why don't you just get a black Bobby pin and just do you a little curl and then pin it and then be I just I I cut it off?

SPEAKER_00:

I just cut it off because I said October's almost here. And every October I I I I I cut everything even and I and I let it, I don't shave again. I don't shave again to January.

SPEAKER_01:

So oh, I mean, I thought that was a great idea.

SPEAKER_00:

I mean I'm not gonna be in there with a man bun on my channel.

SPEAKER_01:

Babe, it doesn't have to be something as dramatic as a man bun. All you have to do is give it one of those little twirls and then flip it up and put the little bobby pin in. And then once your stop looking at me like that. Once your workout is done, take your bobby pin in. And then you might have a cute little cute little one-to twist that you could like try to calm out and bring like a little style or something. You could, you know.

SPEAKER_00:

What do we have today? Because you're about to make me mad already. Come on, girl.

SPEAKER_01:

You're just trying to get to your game.

SPEAKER_00:

I am.

SPEAKER_01:

What do we have today? I'm not done talking about my weed.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, that's fine. All my answers will be shirts, all of my answers will be go birds.

SPEAKER_01:

I'm just teasing. So, um, you know, we're approaching our 10 year.

SPEAKER_00:

Unfortunately.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh. Really? I've been you can leave, nigga. Oh, wow. That we talked about unfortunately.

SPEAKER_00:

I've been abused for nine of them years.

SPEAKER_01:

Really?

SPEAKER_00:

That first year you were loving and caring and that's before I knew better.

SPEAKER_01:

Then you got pregnant and that's before that's before I knew better. That's when my that's when the real hormones had set in, and they was like, look, girl, you've been you've been living in the shadows. And I was like, oh my gosh, I have. I'm teasing.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm just teasing you, baby. I love you. This is gonna be a short episode, y'all. Go ahead. Tell them what we got today. We're approaching 10 years.

SPEAKER_01:

Um uh yeah, so are we still compatible?

SPEAKER_00:

I don't think so.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, wow. I think we are.

SPEAKER_00:

I think I'll stay for the yams.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, here, no, I think this is what I think I'll stay for the yams. I think that we I can't stand the yam. I think that we are still compatible in the areas that matter most.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh okay, like what?

SPEAKER_01:

The yams? Like core values. Yams. I am going to bite your ear off.

SPEAKER_00:

You know, I like it when you get rough. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. I I don't know. I don't I don't know what to tell you. Um, so yeah, so we're we're gonna be approaching our 10 year, which is really crazy because I feel like I feel like that went by really, really it's it don't it doesn't feel like it.

SPEAKER_00:

The thing to me is like we've been together, we've only been married for 10 years. Yeah, we've been together so long. It's like honestly, had I had my way, we'd be celebrating 20 years of marriage.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes, I understand that.

SPEAKER_00:

But you know, you okay.

SPEAKER_01:

We're not talking about the past.

SPEAKER_00:

You were tearing up my heart.

SPEAKER_01:

Tearing up my heart when I'm with you. But when we are apart, I feel it too.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm happy you got the reference. You have to play the song.

SPEAKER_01:

Now I know what I'm gonna listen to. I'm gonna make a playlist of all my junior high school favorites for the gym. Oh my gosh. Okay, yeah. So I want to go through like 10 questions um to just kind of test our compatibility. But it's like, you know, just be open and honest.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm gonna be open and honest. I'll say go verge. I think every single time. Okay. Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

All right. So, okay, the first one.

SPEAKER_00:

Were we both answering these questions? Okay. Do I gotta go first? Because I feel like my answer always dictates yours. That's not true. Okay, good.

SPEAKER_01:

And sometimes it's sometimes that's true, sometimes it's not true. Okay, yeah, I know. Um would you say that our core values still align? So when I talk about core values, I mean as far as like um family, our like like money, spirituality, that kind of thing. Do you think that still aligns? Okay, let's break it line like this. Do you think we still align as it pertains to family?

SPEAKER_00:

Somewhat.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. Tell me yes and tell me the no's.

SPEAKER_00:

I think I oh, you know.

SPEAKER_01:

How do we still align as far as family?

SPEAKER_00:

I think we still feel like we both feel like family is important and we want to have that structure and give her a good example of what family is as far as us and extend the family. Agreed. Um and I feel like we don't align because sometimes I feel like I want more family, and you're like, I'm dead.

SPEAKER_01:

I think our family's good.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

So I think we have family. So I've just accepted the fact that so that's where that's where we agree and disagree on family. I mean, it's not that I'm not necessarily open to extending family.

SPEAKER_00:

I thought about it. I said I don't want to be a 45-year-old with a kindergarten. I'm not doing it. I'm not going to be 45 with a kindergartner.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, never say never.

SPEAKER_00:

No, never. I'm making an appointment.

SPEAKER_01:

Never say never.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm making an appointment.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, it can still happen. Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

And if it do, it ain't mine.

SPEAKER_01:

Really? Wow. You're just gonna throw me out there, huh?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. I mean, this is not now. Granted, you know, I I saw myself with at least five children.

SPEAKER_01:

You couldn't, you couldn't have seen yourself with five kids. We never even discussed having that many kids. So there's that that must have changed like 48 hours ago.

SPEAKER_00:

I should just follow my first mind and trap too early.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh. Do you really think that would happen with me? Yeah, it wouldn't have. Yeah, you wouldn't know. I would have.

SPEAKER_00:

You wouldn't know.

SPEAKER_01:

I would have. Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

How do you wait? Do you think that they uh what do you say? Have they shifted or no?

SPEAKER_01:

I would say I agree with how you said it. Like, I think we both agree that family structure and family closeness is really still important. I think where we differ is I think that that's also important for me. You not so much. Um, but for her, we both agree and align that it's extremely important for her. Um, and then like how you said with adding more to the family, I'm not a hundred percent on board with you all the time. It ain't happening. But I'm not not 100% on board with you, if that makes sense. I kind of, I kind of when people ask me that question. I'm not trying to be a grandfather. When people ask me that question, like, do you want more kids? My my response is always um I'm not preventing it. Um exactly. Like, so if you're not preventing it, you're kind of expecting it to, maybe. I don't know. But it's like if if it were to happen, of course, I would be overjoyed. If it doesn't happen, I feel like I'm also very much okay. So I'm very in the middle when it comes to that.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay. Um do you uh when disagreements happen, do they resolve faster or slower than they did when we first got together?

SPEAKER_01:

Generally, I feel as though they resolve a little faster than they did before. Um I'm just trying to think like I'm trying to think was the last time we had like a disagreement that lasted, like lasted a while. Um, really, I can't stand you. Um but I would say overall they have gotten a bit faster. Okay. They've gotten a bit faster.

SPEAKER_00:

I would agree.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

And mainly because we both have that mindset, we ain't got the time for this. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Like it's just not worth the energy.

SPEAKER_00:

We're gonna make a decision. Yeah. And whether we agree with the decision or not, we're gonna just go with what was decided and we would we'll adjust accordingly if necessary.

SPEAKER_01:

Right, right, right. I agree.

SPEAKER_00:

I think at our big age, we we don't we at our big age, at our big age, we don't have time to be squaw women because we got shit to do.

SPEAKER_01:

And I don't, I think, I think it's just experience too, like experience of each other.

SPEAKER_00:

And I think we would prefer just to be somewhat happy or at least neutral. Yeah, but I have noticed that when I make you mad, you do live heavier. Okay, that's not so I might have to start making you mad before the gym.

SPEAKER_01:

That's not that's not a thing. I just think too, it's it comes from experience of each other and knowing where to just like drop it. You know what I mean? Like, because I know your habits and you know my habits, sometimes when we get into a disagreement. No, you better than you know yourself. Um, when we get into disagreements, and because I know you, I'm just like, I know how this is gonna play out. So I can either just like let it go, or we can just hash it out real quick and then be done with it, or like, you know, whatever my next step is.

SPEAKER_00:

All I know is that when we have a disagreement, I said let her go get her cheat mail and sit behind Michael's. She'll be back here about a couple hours and we'd be all right. Let her go process.

SPEAKER_01:

First of all, I don't, it's not behind Michael's. Whenever, wherever you sit, it's behind Jerome's.

SPEAKER_00:

Whatever, whatever, wherever you go sit. I just hope she locked the door, she's safe.

SPEAKER_01:

I do. I keep the car running, I lock the door, and I turn on a show. And enjoy my sushi to myself. Um, let's see. Um, do you think our definition of intimacy has changed? And what makes us feel closer now than it did before?

SPEAKER_00:

Yes and no.

SPEAKER_01:

I know my definition of intimacy has changed.

SPEAKER_00:

Um because I see I see it all as intimacy is all all encompassing. So uh obviously the Anita Howard time matters. The what? Anita Howard. Okay. I couldn't think of anybody freakier than I need Anita Howard.

SPEAKER_01:

Um Adina Howard, by the way. Adina.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, that's right. Um because I do love when you come to bed with your t-shirt and panties on.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

Um, but I do there are times where I do just want to kind of just lay there and be with you. Like we just just us being like, like us just going to get breakfast together or going to brunch together or doing something without the child.

SPEAKER_01:

Going to get our fruit.

SPEAKER_00:

Right. Oh my god, I miss it. Miss it. We're gonna be there this week for sure. But it's like little things like that. Like, I do look forward to those things. Like, like I was telling you, um, was it last Friday? Last Friday, when you um, when our niece was here and you're watching our niece, I was like, man, this uh this really irritates me. I said, and it has nothing to do with her, it's just that I know that Friday's my time with you. Yeah, and it's like you're impeding on my time.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

I said, now I'm over here beefing with a with a four-year-old. She's impeding on my time with my wife. Goodbye. I said, I love you. But you couldn't come tomorrow.

SPEAKER_01:

After I had my time. You could have had to be today?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Like or at least get here after six, be respectful. Give me halfway.

SPEAKER_01:

Goodbye, be here after six as well.

SPEAKER_00:

So I think that that I think that for that for for me, that part has kind of changed because I think early on it was just like, let's get it. As long as we're doing it. Freak me, man.

SPEAKER_01:

As long as we're doing it, we are in twine.

SPEAKER_00:

As long as my Johnson wet.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. I can't. I really can't stay. As long as it wet. Um so yes, I agree. I feel like for me now, just like the other morning when we were cuddling, um, cuddling in the bed, and you're like holding me, and we were just talking. Like for me, that's that's what that's what fills me up a lot. Like, I love those moments. Bye. Bye. That's what fills me up. Like us laying down, having conversation, or us laughing, having conversation, the the car rides to go get our fruit and or having um like in-depth conversations about what's going on in the world, like those kinds of things.

SPEAKER_00:

Side note. Oh gosh. Side note. We're gonna have to stop picking her up early on Friday. Because I feel like everybody always knows me by name. Bye. Because I walked in, I didn't I didn't get to the paper yet. I I was third in line. She said, Phoenix, I said, yeah. She's like, I'm gonna call her right now. She's like, I'm gonna call her Fear right now. I said, damn. I said, Do we do this all the time?

SPEAKER_01:

Well, you've been doing it for like the past month. So yeah, but I'm not sure what triggered that thought, but okay. Um uh yeah, so uh for me, the intimacy is more of the closeness, the conversation, the uh non-sexual, physical like touch. Okay, so you decided to touch my thigh right now. I can't with you. Um, yeah, so the the non-sexual. I know you do the non-sexual, physical touching, like the hugs, the small kisses that don't like necessarily lead to anything, but it's just like the little long, the little uh short pauses of looking at each other and the kisses, you know, like that stuff.

SPEAKER_00:

I can't stare at you because you'd be like, What's your problem, nigga?

SPEAKER_01:

I said short. I said short pauses.

SPEAKER_00:

Like what?

SPEAKER_01:

Like, calm down, what I said short pauses. Like those things are really intimate for me. Like, that's the things that I enjoy. Okay. And I just feel like it makes Adina Howard time a little better, a little more enjoyable. Like where when we locked in.

SPEAKER_00:

And that's what you're not that mouth noise. Come on, you're about to piss me off. Um so shared interest, do we do we still enjoy doing things together or or have our hobbies grown apart?

SPEAKER_01:

We still enjoy doing things together, like but we do have hobbies everywhere. Well, our hobby but I don't think our hobbies ever really like we're together. We're together. Yeah, it wasn't. You're not gonna sit down and crochet or read a book or like sit in silence.

SPEAKER_00:

I'll read a book. Now look, I'm not gonna crochet.

SPEAKER_01:

You will read. We had family reading night, what was it, like a few weeks ago.

SPEAKER_00:

I will read.

SPEAKER_01:

Um, but like as far as hobbies, like genuine hobbies and stuff, our hobbies never really that much aligned. I do think that the older that we have gotten, um, we have tried to partake in each other's hobbies, like as a form of like, hey, I'm supporting you, but this shit is boring. Wow. Wow. Hey girl, hey, you know? But um, but as far as spending time together, like when we do, when we're able to get like genuine bubble time together, I know for me, I think we're still very much aligned. Like we still can have a good time together, we can still laugh, we can still joke, and that's when I'm reminded, like, that's my friend. Like, that's I love him.

SPEAKER_00:

What? Um, it's a it's a me and my wife are hearing other married couples complaining about their relationship, but we can't relate. We can't relate because we can't we literally best friends.

SPEAKER_01:

I can't can't can't relate. That's not that's not what happens. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Um we got problems. I mean, I wouldn't say problems. They're not big problems.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I was gonna say nothing like nothing like we got span. Yeah, where I'm ready to like I'm sorry, what? Be gone longer than my Michael's trip.

SPEAKER_00:

I enjoy that time. Reset. Yeah, the person who can't handle it is your daughter.

SPEAKER_01:

The person who texts me. Where are you?

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, first of all, I don't have to text you where you are because I have your location, but you never check it.

SPEAKER_01:

You claim I mean sometimes I do. Uh so what do you think?

SPEAKER_00:

Um, I think uh I agree with you. We we never really had hobbies that aligned. We kind of um we I think that's one reason why we've been so successful in in our relationship and in our marriage is because we've always had our own thing. Like like you with your crocheting, me with like my video games and my computer tech stuff. Yeah. So like and like my anime and stuff. So we always had our own, like we would talk about it, but like we never really intertwined them together. Yeah. Um, recently I would say the only hobby we have together is the gym.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_00:

So like the gym is like the one, like and pop the balloon. That's it. Because single lady.

SPEAKER_01:

Single lady.

SPEAKER_00:

So like we just like to mess.

SPEAKER_01:

No, you just like to mess. And I like watching you get excited for the drama. I like two different purposes.

SPEAKER_00:

When you hear if you want to answer questions, like that don't even make no damn sense.

SPEAKER_01:

I saw you see like how he was an independent man. I don't even want to talk about it. Him being an independent man.

SPEAKER_00:

You can't even answer a damn question.

SPEAKER_01:

I said it's independent, we're gonna have to do a topic on that. Independent, the independent man.

SPEAKER_00:

Independent, right? Yeah, so I feel like uh that's part of the reason. Like, and I feel like the the our like we in the gym together, but we're not like together.

SPEAKER_01:

Right. Because we don't even like work out together.

SPEAKER_00:

You got different workouts, yeah. You over there doing your thing, I'm doing my thing.

SPEAKER_01:

Right. But just knowing that we're there and then we together.

SPEAKER_00:

Then we meet up and get up, get up some coffee, come on home.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, yeah. But it's still quality time for us, it is still quality time, and I think I think the whole um not having like similar hobbies, that also gives us time to be like ourselves. Like we love being together. Like, I love spending time with my husband, especially when I can spend time with him. When I can spend time with him, I'm like, okay, like I love that. But I also enjoy doing things that are fulfilling for me, which I know he's not, you know, he's not gonna sit there and be as excited about it. He'll just be like, okay, when can I get out of this? So and I think so, I think us having our separate hobbies. How much longer? Bye. I think us having our separate hobbies allows us to also have that individual time. Yeah. That I still think is important because I can be excited about something, you can be excited about something. And even though you don't share my same interests, when I come to you and I'm talking to you and I'm excited about something, it's like you want to tune in because you like that I'm excited.

SPEAKER_00:

I put my front all the way up. Right. Girl, you know, tell me about it.

SPEAKER_01:

Bye.

SPEAKER_00:

I can't. I can't say it. I can't say it.

SPEAKER_01:

What? Michael said, What on sale?

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, you know, then why don't you give it a hair?

SPEAKER_01:

First of all, I don't even shop at Michael's like that because they prices are ridiculous.

SPEAKER_00:

And that's all you've been to complain about is the price on their fabric. And I've been listening.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, it's not their fabric, they got it from Joann's. And listen, that's a whole nother story. Try to charge me$8 a yard. Um, let me see. Okay. Can we still read each other's moods without words, or do you feel like it takes more effort now?

SPEAKER_00:

I feel like we can. Yeah. We definitely can. Yeah, I agree. It's just sometimes I don't care. I still go in there.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I know. We've had this discussion before where I tell you he just doubles down and he just likes to make it worse.

SPEAKER_00:

I feel like I know she don't feel like this, but it gotta be said. So we're gonna have to, you know, I have to listen to things I don't want to lose.

SPEAKER_01:

It is what it is.

SPEAKER_00:

It is what it is.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I definitely do think that we're uh quicker at reading each other's moves. Yeah. Um, but again, that comes with experience of each other, right? So when I know if it's something I want to bring up to you or something I want to ask you, I'm reading the room. Unlike some people in this relationship. Uh are you done? No, I'll read the room and that'll determine.

SPEAKER_00:

I'll read the room, but if it gotta be said, it gotta be said.

SPEAKER_01:

You mean said or done? Done. Like if I'm not in the mood to play, done.

SPEAKER_00:

Both.

SPEAKER_01:

You're you're gonna double down.

SPEAKER_00:

Both because sometimes I gotta feed myself.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. I gotta take care of me, Lucius.

SPEAKER_00:

I gotta take care of me. I gotta put myself first. Oh, I love you. Do we uh do we fight to win or do or do we fight to understand?

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, so literally, I honestly from from I honestly I do think it's 50-50 because there is some times where I genuinely do not understand your thought process on something or how you're trying to express yourself. And I really wholeheartedly want to understand what you're feeling and how that's coming off, or what you're going through. Like I I really want to just be like stick me in the mud so I don't move, so I can really understand what you're what you're saying and how you're feeling. And then there's other times where I can feel I I really don't because there's there's the other side to that is when I know you in my mind, I can't just say like for certainty, but in my mind, it's just like you're it, it it ain't like two two plus two ain't adding up. And I'm just like, there's no way you're gonna convince me. Yeah, there's there's Times where I'm like, there's no way you're going to convince me that that what you're saying is is true. Like what you're saying, or how you're trying to portray something, or how you're trying to explain something to me, my mind is already set that you're you're feeding me BS right now, and I refuse to let you tell me something that I don't believe to be true. And then that's when I'm like, now I have to double down and like why what's with the pencil? Oh, sorry, it was just there. Um, yes, but I do, I do feel like it's 50-50. I don't feel like we've outgrown the um like disagreement to argument to to just try to understand, even though I was, you know what, I'm I'm gonna take that back. I wouldn't say 50-50. I would say like 60-40, 60-40 that I try to understand. But there is still some of that where it's like, in my mind, it's not a trying to win, but it's just trying to make you see, like, why are you looking at the camera like that? Bye. Just trying to make you see, I guess, like my point of view. And so I'm not really not in it. Yeah, I'm just I'm just trying to give you my perspective, but I would say it's like 60-40. Okay. I don't feel like we've fully outgrown that yet. Okay. Maybe in the next 10 or 15 years.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm gonna stick to my ass with 50-50.

SPEAKER_01:

You go, okay, that's fine. Care to elaborate?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I just don't give a fuck sometime. Sometimes it's like, you know.

SPEAKER_01:

Sometimes it's like what?

SPEAKER_00:

I know I'm right. I don't care what you say.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, that's that's my 40.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. 50.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. I know that I'm right. 50. Um, okay, uh, let's see. So do you still think that we genuinely like each other's company outside of our responsibility? Hold on, before you answer, I want us to answer yes or no at the same time. Okay. So do you still genuinely think that we enjoy each other's companies outside of like being mom and dad, being, you know, like husband and wife? One, two, three.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes.

unknown:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

I would say we enjoy on four more outside of responsibility.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Because when we when I if I had the responsibility, sometimes I'd be like, she fucking up.

SPEAKER_01:

We don't want to talk about scorecards with responsibilities.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm like, I'm like, I don't even ask her that much. She oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01:

You don't ask her that much? Here we go. Hold on. This is for the person who doesn't ask for much, okay? Let me tell you about this man. He comes texting me at 4 16 p.m. Yeah. Say, I want some uh chicken pat Thai. In my mind, I'm like, okay, cool. Like, we can go out and get chicken pat thai. I want you to make it.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

From scratch.

SPEAKER_00:

That shit was fire.

SPEAKER_01:

And I was like, it's four, like 4 16. I was like, well, the Asian market closes at 5. We better get to it. Well, it seems like you should be coming upstairs to get dressed so you can make it before they close. What'd you do? Yeah, what did I do? You made chicken pat high. Yeah, I went, I got up and I went and made chicken pat thai.

SPEAKER_00:

And what I tell you last night, I said, you was a good wife today. I said, I appreciate you.

SPEAKER_01:

But this is coming from the person who don't ask much because I had a completely different menu for dinner. I had meat thawing out, I had everything ready to go. And be and like literally on the drop of a dime, he's like, I want chicken pat thai. And I want you to make it from scratch. And I want you to get up and stop doing what you're doing now to go get it. And what did I do? I got up, I got dressed, and I went down to the market. I got everything I needed to make my husband what he requested. But he don't be asking for much. I'm not saying that was asking for much, but he could have been like, hey, tomorrow. Nah. Tomorrow, I would really love if you could make. But no, he's like, I want it now.

SPEAKER_00:

I needed that that day. I was just strolling and that came across my feed. I said, I said, let me send this to her right now. And then I called her. Look what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_01:

She needs to get on this now.

SPEAKER_00:

I said, this should look fire. I need this right now. I'm hungry.

SPEAKER_01:

But he's not, but he but no one cares about him though, guys. No one cares because I could have easily told him, I'll make that tomorrow because I already have something else going for dinner. But because I wanted my husband to relax yesterday, which I did. He did, uninterrupted.

SPEAKER_00:

I didn't do nothing yesterday. He didn't do anything. I needed it any time. Nothing.

SPEAKER_01:

I made it a point to not bother him, to not ask him to do anything.

SPEAKER_00:

But now I woke up today and she had a list.

SPEAKER_01:

Listen.

SPEAKER_00:

Lord Jesus.

SPEAKER_01:

We all we all can't you can't get like which what you expect? A week off? That's crazy work. That's crazy. I mean, we could do it together, take a week together.

SPEAKER_00:

Nah. It's crazy.

SPEAKER_01:

But anywho, yeah. Okay, so um, you want me to answer? Yeah, go ahead.

SPEAKER_00:

I did answer. Go ahead. Uh I'm gonna just ask the next question. No. I said I do enjoy your outside responsibility. Yeah. Yeah. Because you know why?

SPEAKER_01:

Don't say the yams.

SPEAKER_00:

The yams. Uh number one, uh, we get to just be ourselves, be be and like be carefree.

SPEAKER_01:

Like we get to be Maurice and Kynisha. Yeah, not Maurice and Kinesha, mommy daddy.

SPEAKER_00:

Outside of responsibility means that also entails vacation bay. And we know how I feel about vacation bay. Vacation bay is who I married.

SPEAKER_01:

That's crazy work because she only comes around like twice a year.

SPEAKER_00:

It's crazy work. I don't I don't know how she was there for the wedding and left. Because vacation bait was there. I don't know where she went. She got them paperwork and dipped off.

SPEAKER_01:

She did. She signed them papers.

SPEAKER_00:

That's it. Um, do your visions for the next 10 to 20 years still align? Like retirement, travel, lifestyle, or personal growth? I think they do. We talk about it. What is your vision for retirement?

SPEAKER_01:

To be comfortable with my husband.

SPEAKER_00:

What are you putting on retiring?

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, you're trying to be funny. You're trying, I see what you're doing here. You're trying to be funny. I retire when you retire.

SPEAKER_00:

When am I gonna retire?

SPEAKER_01:

You're gonna retire at well, you're eligible to retire when you're 49, I think. But you're not 44. Yeah, but you're not gonna do that.

SPEAKER_00:

Why? Life's expensive.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, technically, technically, like as far as like career-wise, I'm gonna retire when you retire.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01:

So whenever you retire, that's when I that's when I retire.

SPEAKER_00:

And do you want to travel?

SPEAKER_01:

I do want to do a little bit of traveling. Nothing, nothing major. Like, I honestly And that's where we disagree.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm trying to be out the country.

SPEAKER_01:

No, you're not. I'm gonna be on these. He's not. No, he didn't don't let him fool you because he don't even like traveling like that. Don't even, don't even let him fool you. Don't even let him fool you. I'm gonna have a house in California. No, you listen, guys.

SPEAKER_00:

Look here. I know this man. I'm gonna have a house in California so I can go to my Dodger games, my Lakers games. But I'm also have a house in an apartment in Philly so I can go out there for my Philly games. And then we're gonna spend most of our time abroad.

SPEAKER_01:

No, we're not.

SPEAKER_00:

We're not. No, we're not.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, that's what I'm like. I don't think so. I mean, we may end up in Paris because that's where she says she wants to be. So she told she told she told us that uh we don't have to be sad that she will come home and she will visit, but she for sure feels like she's gonna have to just move to Paris.

SPEAKER_00:

Um, what about lifestyle? Um I just I think we both don't want to do much.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I just want to be able to have like my time. I just I think I think you want to be in the casino. I don't want to be in the casino.

SPEAKER_00:

Not every day.

SPEAKER_01:

Not every day.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_01:

But I I think we both align in the sense that we just want our time. Yeah. Like that's how I envision retirement. I envision retirement where we can just have our time. If we do want to schedule a trip, we schedule a trip and we go.

SPEAKER_00:

You know, like I thought about I saw a thing about retirement the other day, and I said, I I I'm most likely gonna be like Mario when I retire. I'm gonna get up and do a little something every day. Just so you don't wither away? Just so I can say I did something and I'm gonna go come back right now inside, sit down, watch my sports, watch my shows, and eat my food.

SPEAKER_01:

But he also says that like he does that, he he's intentional. It's our neighbor. He's intentional about getting up and doing something every day. Yes, because he said that he feels like the moment he doesn't do that, that's when everything is gonna go down.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm gonna still be in the gym. Yeah. I'm gonna be the old guy in the gym just in there for no reason.

SPEAKER_01:

Trying to give all unwarranted advice?

SPEAKER_00:

I'm gonna be in there for the papas.

SPEAKER_01:

For the papas? Yeah, the fries. Bye. Bye. I count with you. Um do you think we are both still invested in becoming better partners for each other, or do you sometimes feel like we get stuck in our routine?

SPEAKER_00:

I feel like we're both trying to be better.

SPEAKER_01:

I agree.

SPEAKER_00:

The routine gets heavy sometimes.

SPEAKER_01:

The routine is reliable, but the routine can become in mundane.

SPEAKER_00:

Incomplacent.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. So, and I think that's where the individuality, like really trying to stay.

SPEAKER_00:

Do another set, one more rep.

SPEAKER_01:

That's where, that is where go ahead, talk about it. That is where I think still having your independent identity in some things, like your hobbies, uh, really come into play so that you can break up a little bit of the everyday, the mundane, the responsibilities, the things that you know that can make us complacent. Um, but getting back to like who you are and allowing your your person to see that fun, joyous person that they that they married, you know. Like you don't want to constantly look at your partner and be like, dang. Why do I marry you? Like, yeah, like you're not fun no more. You don't even smile. I mean, I kind of feel like that'd be your fault, but um it's fucking Tyler Perry movie all over again. Um, but yeah, so I think that's where still having a little bit of individuality is is healthy, not to the extent where you're just living at as an independent person in a relationship. That's not what I mean. What I mean is not losing yourself to the point where when your partner looks at you, it's just like, okay, like, yeah, you're following the routine. We know what our responsibilities are, but where's you? Because I genuinely like you. Like when I look at you, I genuinely like you. I like seeing you get excited when you uh learn something new with your computer. Why are you looking at me like that? Why are you looking at me like that?

SPEAKER_00:

Because it sounds like a calf, but I'm gonna let you cook.

SPEAKER_01:

That I'm not excited for you?

SPEAKER_00:

Here you go, crazy old Maurice.

SPEAKER_01:

You don't think I get excited for you when you're excited about something?

SPEAKER_00:

It's like beauty and beast all over again. I'm just crazy old Maurice.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, anyways, I genuinely get excited for you when you're excited about something new, or when you've learned something new, or when you tried something new, and like now you feel like it's your favorite thing, and now you need to overconsume yourself with it.

SPEAKER_00:

Um, I can agree with that. I do that for you, but I also get worried because most of the things you get over excited before, now you send me a shopping list of stuff you need to keep continue down that path of excitement.

SPEAKER_01:

To continue down the path?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, this is crazy. Crazy work. That's how we ended up with seven printers.

SPEAKER_01:

First of all, I don't have seven printers.

SPEAKER_00:

How many printers do you have?

SPEAKER_01:

Five. I don't have seven. Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

Um it's my turn to read the question.

SPEAKER_01:

Go ahead. Sorry. See people?

SPEAKER_00:

Do we still make each other laugh the way we used to, or have lives gotten too serious?

SPEAKER_01:

I still I still think we make each other laugh.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm hilarious. I'm you're semi-funny. I'm hilarious. Okay. I make you laugh right at them, I'll laugh right. I get you laughing, I fall right to them draws.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. That's that's I I don't even know what to say.

SPEAKER_00:

What you don't like that?

SPEAKER_01:

I don't even know what to say.

SPEAKER_00:

But it's true, though.

SPEAKER_01:

Sure.

SPEAKER_00:

You basically start laughing, you get right into them draws.

SPEAKER_01:

I'm trying to see why it's like telling me there's an account added to it. Um but yeah, I think I think we still make each other laugh. I mean, I laugh with you. You laugh with me. You laugh at me. I do. Wow. That's messed up. You laugh at me? I don't laugh at you. You do. I don't even make fun of you.

SPEAKER_00:

You my biggest op.

SPEAKER_01:

No, I only make I only retaliate. Okay. You start it, I finish it, okay, and you can't handle it.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

There's a difference. There's a difference. So after 10 years, do you still think we're compatible, baby?

SPEAKER_00:

Barely. It's a struggle.

SPEAKER_01:

Really? Barely.

SPEAKER_00:

We holding on by a thread. I have to contact uh Rebel Stimson every week.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. And what you what do you discuss with Rebel Stilskin?

SPEAKER_00:

And what I'm giving up in return, these years off my life to make this work. It's rough.

SPEAKER_01:

It's rough. It's rough. I'm gonna tell you, like I told you earlier, you can leave, nigga.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

Deuces. What you gonna do? Deuce it.

SPEAKER_00:

What you gonna do?

SPEAKER_01:

What you mean what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna live my life.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, so you got somebody lined up.

unknown:

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00:

That's what I hear.

SPEAKER_01:

No, you shouldn't have heard that. I don't know why you heard that.

SPEAKER_00:

I don't know why you heard that. I do think that this is healthy. I think you should have these conversations ever so often with your partner just to make sure that, you know. Like a temperature check? Yeah, you know, make sure y'all going down the same path. Because sometimes you could be going left, he's going right.

SPEAKER_01:

You know, like, hey, hey, you're why are you so far down the street? Bye to mail. Okay, let's see. Let's go ahead and hop on into the comment of the week. Oh, you want to do that one first?

SPEAKER_00:

Yes, we're gonna do the comment of the week first.

SPEAKER_01:

Let's do the comment of the week. And what which video is this in response to?

SPEAKER_00:

This is in response to the tattoo removal.

SPEAKER_01:

That's oh, okay. You have to update some because some people don't remember.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, so I'll update him. Okay, okay. Pretty much her fiance had a tattoo of his ex wife wife across somewhere on her body. On his chest. On his chest. And she wanted him to get it removed now that they're getting married.

SPEAKER_01:

Before the wedding.

SPEAKER_00:

Before the wedding. And he said, nah, I'm not doing that. That's part of my past, but whatever. So the comment was this is she this person is telling her to go get a temporary tattoo of your ex's name somewhere obvious and see how that goes. What's good for the goose? Dot dot dot. It's good for the gander. And I like the petty. Oh my gosh. As a board member of the petty committee. Oh my gosh. I like the petty.

SPEAKER_01:

That wouldn't, that wouldn't. Oh, you said temporary tattoo. Okay, yeah, temporary tattoo. What's good for the goose? Okay, but it would have to be It's good for the gander. Okay, yeah, you can do a temporary tattoo, but maybe in a spot where he, I guess he never noticed, or are you just gonna do it literally just out of spite?

SPEAKER_00:

No. She said do it somewhere where he was somewhere obvious. Oh I think you should get his name tattooed on your inner thigh.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, that's silly.

SPEAKER_00:

Like right across or right above uh, you know, that area.

SPEAKER_01:

Bye. I think that's ridiculous. That's ridiculous. I can't. Oh the service just dropped. Internet just dropped. Sorry, guys.

SPEAKER_00:

No, no, mine's fine.

SPEAKER_01:

No, mine isn't. Look, you can see that mine isn't.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh wow. Look. Crazy work, people. It wasn't. Crazy work.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, so we're gonna go ahead and hop uh right on into our two cents. Our two cents. Okay. So here we go. Okay, let's get it. Am I the asshole for thinking sex during a break doesn't count as cheating? And now my wife is divorcing me and I'm losing everything. I destroyed my entire life because I couldn't keep it in my pants for three months. My wife asked for a break back in April. We have four kids and she was drowning. I work 60 hours a week building my landscaping business and she homeschools all four of our children. She told me that she needed space to figure out if she still wanted to be in this marriage. I said, fine, and I moved into my brother's place. Two weeks later, I met a girl at a bar. The other woman, she was fun. She laughed at my jokes. She didn't take me, oh, she didn't look at me like I was a chore or another responsibility on a to-do list. We started hooking up, and I told myself it didn't count because my wife and I were on a break. My wife called me in June, said she wanted to work things out and that she missed me and that the kids needed their dad back home. I ended things with the other woman that same day and told her that it was fun, but I was going back to my family. She cried, she screamed, and she called me every name in the book, but I still left. Things were good for a while. My wife and I went to counseling, we had date nights, the kids were happy, and I thought that I had dodged a bullet. Then last month, a card showed up in our mailbox, a bright red envelope. My wife opened it because she always opens the mail. Inside was a card with a half-naked photo of the other woman and a note that said, missing what we had. Call me when you're ready for round two. My wife's face went white. She looked at me and said, What is this? I tried to explain. I told her that we were on a break and that the woman didn't mean anything to me, and that I chose her. She just stood there in silence. And she said, You slept with someone else while I was home with our four kids, trying to keep my head above water. Her voice was so quiet. I asked for space to breathe, not for permission to cheat. We were separated, I said. You said you didn't know if you wanted to be married to me anymore. She said, a break means you don't date other people. It means you give each other space. Not for you to go screw the first woman who smiles at you. She filed for divorce the next week, took the kids to her sister's house, won't let me see them without a lawyer present. My business partner is my wife's brother, and he just informed me that he's buying me out of the market value, which means I'm now losing half of everything I built. The divorce lawyer says, because I committed adultery during our marriage, regardless of a break, I'm now looking at paying 55% of my income in child support and alimony. My family thinks that I'm trash. My mom won't return any of my calls. My dad told me that I made my bed and need to lay in it. My brother kicked me out of his place because his wife is best friends with my wife. I'm living in a motel and eating fast food every night because I don't know how to cook for myself. The other woman keeps texting me saying she, uh saying if it just, if I had just picked her instead, that none of this would be happening, that my wife overreacted, that we could still be together, but I don't want her, and I never did. And she was just there when I was angry and lonely. I threw away 16 years of marriage for three months of feeling wanted by someone new. My kids won't talk to me. My youngest asked her mom why daddy doesn't love us anymore. I'm about to lose my business. I'll be working just to pay my ex-wife for the next decade. And the worst part is I can't even say it wasn't my fault because everyone keeps reminding me that I did have a choice.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm on both sides.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

It took a break. It took a break. But you're still legally married. Yeah, that don't matter. No, actually, it does matter. It matters okay. Well, I'm happy I know where you stand. To me, it doesn't matter. I'm happy I know where you stand because you're still married. And as long as you are married, do you want my answer or not? You seem like you have very strong feelings. That's why. Yeah, go ahead.

SPEAKER_00:

Here's why. Here's why.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, tell me.

SPEAKER_00:

Damn it. Um this is only a bad thing because the wife came back around and said she wanted him. Had she decided not to go back to him, this wouldn't be an issue. So, in other words, while he was out there, while he wanted to be with his wife, she wanted the break. So he wanted to break. So while he was drowning in his sorrows, I'm pretty sure he felt some type of way about it because he probably clearly loved the woman. While he was drowning in his sorrows and found something new, he was supposed to avoid all temptation until she figured out what she wanted. So he was supposed to be in limbo. This is what you're saying. He is supposed to be in limbo while she figured out what she wants. I don't see me personally. Now I felt bad for the guy because he did ruin his whole life. But this is you should have had an understanding. You should have had an understanding with your wife what this break was supposed to entail. But again, I always say you gotta communicate. Because if you came to me and said, hey, we need a break, I was I'm gonna say from what?

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

What do we need a break from? What do you mean? Like if you need space, like are we together? You just need some space? Because if my thing is that if you remove me from my home, I feel like I'm free to do whatever I want.

SPEAKER_01:

My thoughts is I can agree where you talk about um asking for more uh specificity as far as like how as far as like how long the space is, um, but her needing space, she probably he probably asked. And she was probably like, I don't know, like what, you know, like we're we're gonna work through it or whatever. I can I can get on board with that. The thing that I can't get on board with is although I can understand, right? I can understand, like, okay, I'm just supposed to be out here just like lonely or whatever, you're still married. Okay. Okay. And part of marriage, like when we talk about going through the ebbs and flow of marriages, okay, of being married, right? Go ahead, shooter, there there can be times where you want like space, okay? She hold on, she asked for it. The point that you're missing is that whatever we're trying to work out, we are still married. We are married, we are still married, okay? So you still listen, they were still married, and he still had an obligation and responsibility to his household, which I'm sure he still upheld. She had an obligation and responsibility to their household, which she still upheld. But they just weren't physically in the same space. They weren't physically together. But that didn't negate the responsibilities that they had that came from that marriage, right? And they still both stuck to it. We still have an obligation and a commitment to each other until we both can say we no longer want to be committed to each other in the space of being married. Okay. Okay. So if we say, okay, yeah, we're taking some time apart, then yes, both parties need to make that make that know. Okay, if we're taking time apart, does this mean yes? What does that mean? Does this mean that I can possibly entertain someone else? Does this mean that I want to get to know someone? Like, what does that mean, right? If that's not discussed, it is, in my opinion, safe to say and safe to assume I am still legally married, therefore I'm not gonna entertain another man. Even if there is another man that I'm interested in, that's gonna be off limits for me right now until I can close this door. When I can definitively say, like, hey, I no longer want to make this commitment to you, I no longer want to make this commitment to this marriage. I'm I'm like, I'm not in it anymore. Then once we go through that, then I can also be free of heart to go pursue whatever it is that I'm doing, right? Because I don't think he would have been okay if she had been seeing somebody else and still had the kids. Because then he would probably most likely, I'm just speculating here. Oh, but I'm just saying, but it it would have what? It would have hurt off a job. It would why they were separated. Yeah. What? But they were separated by your logic.

SPEAKER_00:

I never I I never said how she felt wasn't valid. I said, I see where I see I see his mind.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, but you but you're saying that he had, but you also are saying he had every right to sleep with someone else. He is still a married man.

SPEAKER_00:

He was a temporary single man.

SPEAKER_01:

How was he a Boris? No, if you're if you're married, you're you're married until you're divorced. So you're telling me these people You're married until you're divorced. So you're telling me you're married until you're divorced. So you that's my stance. So you want to. I don't know if that stance will change later in life. I don't know. But it does not matter. As long as you are married. As long as you are married.

SPEAKER_00:

Hold on, let me. Okay. Hold on, so you so you're telling me these people that be out here separated for years, you don't think they got partners?

SPEAKER_01:

Listen, I'm I'm not negating that yes, they people do these things.

SPEAKER_00:

What I'm saying is the issue to hurt is not what he's done. The issue is what he's done in the amount of time they were married.

SPEAKER_01:

The issue is that they were still married and he technically went outside his marriage, even if even if we were separated. I think the part that you're missing is just that's the only part that I'm putting right in there. Is is is that marriage block. That's the only part. If we decided to live separately, that doesn't mean that people wouldn't, you wouldn't have a girlfriend, or if I wouldn't have a boyfriend, does that mean it's right? No, because we are still married. That's the whole point.

SPEAKER_00:

And again, I say the rules should have been laid out.

SPEAKER_01:

The rules, and I agree with that. There should have been more dialogue, there should have been more conversation. I do not disagree with that. I mean, I'm just saying, I'm just I'm just trying to strip, if I strip it down like the way my brain will do it, if I just strip it down, in my mind, with it just stripped down, not taking into consideration that what it maybe he had a point and maybe he wasn't in the wrong, I'm just stripping it down. The point of the matter is they were still married. Okay, all right. And just like, hold on, per his words, what the lawyer said, it does not matter if you guys were separated, you were still gonna pay her alimony, even though you guys were separated. Hold on, even though you guys were separated because you were still what? You were still married. Hot dog, hot dog, you were still married, so it doesn't matter. You're assuming she wasn't working because she homeschooled?

SPEAKER_00:

Because she homeschooled four.

SPEAKER_01:

She wasn't working, she probably has great scheduling. He was working six hours away. Okay, girl. What's the next scheduling skills might be on point? What's the next one? I don't know because the internet's down for my phone, so it won't give me. Wow. Sorry, guys. I know we normally give you two. Um, oh wait. I think okay. Um, am I the asshole for refusing to introduce my fiance to my parents because they'll judge his career? Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

What do you do?

SPEAKER_01:

I'm a 27-year-old female and I've been with my fiance, who's 29 for three years. He's amazing, kind, supportive, and the most hardworking person that I know. He works as a bartender and genuinely loves it. And he's good at it too. And he has plans to eventually own his own bar. The problem is my parents. They're extremely status obsessed and judgmental. They've always, they've always had a doctor, lawyer, engineer, or a failure mentality. They've made comments in the past about my friends' boyfriends having dead-end jobs and even criticized me for not dating someone more ambitious. Because of that, I've avoided introducing my fiance to them. They keep asking to meet him, but I always make excuses because I know they'll judge him unfairly. I don't want him to feel disrespected or looked down upon, but I also know it's weird that I'm engaged and my parents haven't even met my future husband. My fiance says he doesn't mind and that he's proud of what he does, but I can tell deep down he feels hurt and that I'm hiding him from my family. He told me that if I'm serious about marrying him, I need to stop being ashamed of his career. So now I feel stuck. I love him, but I dread how my parents will react. Am I the asshole for refusing to introduce my fiance to my parents because I know they'll judge his career?

SPEAKER_00:

Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Because in my mind, you refusing to introduce me based off how they react means that you also have some apprehension by what I do.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Yeah. And you're prioritizing their fellowship.

SPEAKER_00:

I I I I wouldn't want to hear that shit either.

SPEAKER_01:

What do you mean? A bartender?

SPEAKER_00:

Get the fuck out of my house.

SPEAKER_01:

Bye.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, okay, but what a-cause I know, Bart, you ain't got no 401k. You ain't got no pension. But here you ain't got no health. Here's the thing.

SPEAKER_01:

Here's the thing, too. I feel like when people have careers like that, um, bartenders, they host, um, makeup artists, DJs, stuff like that, people don't really people don't well because that's why I say people don't really respect it until they feel like you have reached some level like socially, where like if he was a bartender, but he was a celebrity bartender, it wouldn't matter. It would it wouldn't matter. It wouldn't matter to me. It wouldn't, no, but what I'm saying, it wouldn't matter because if he if he got some type of societal, uh, some type of societal success, like let's say, for instance, he was doing parties for celebrities, or like he was making seven figures. And like if he was, if he was at that level, hold on, if he was at that level of bartending where you're like, oh yeah, he's my my boyfriend, he's a bartender, but he's a bartender to those celebrities, or like, you know, he's gonna afford me this type of lifestyle, his parents wouldn't feel, I don't think they would feel as bad of saying, like, oh, my son-in-law is a bartender. They'd be like, oh no, you know, such and such. He's a bartender to the celebrities. Like for me, the saving grace. The status to me, like she said.

SPEAKER_00:

To me, the saving race is that he has the the drive or the ambition to own. Bar.

SPEAKER_02:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

So now he because he wants to be, he wants to be a business owner. Right. And trust me, I know people get drunk all the time. So I mean it's a business. It's gonna be hard to as long as he keeps them doors keep it packed, he's gonna be well off.

SPEAKER_01:

But like she said, her her parents are like status obsessed. Yeah, right. I get it. So it's like, yes, he's a bartender, but that's not the end, that's not the end goal. But I do I do agree with him by you not wanting to introduce him to your parents. Some level of you is is like maybe not ashamed, but kind of agree with your parents on some level because that's also been indoctrinated into your head. You know what I'm saying? Like part of that plays on you because here's the other thing. If he doesn't ever become a business owner and he just becomes a bartender, and now you marry him, and then we're like 10, 15 years or something down the road, and you don't have the life that you thought he was gonna uh be able to afford for you, it's gonna come back to him not being ambitious enough, him not actually going for you're gonna be like, why don't you have you considered going back to school?

SPEAKER_00:

But if he but if it gets to that far, just get the separation and and that in that separation period, find you somebody who You know what?

SPEAKER_01:

Don't don't make me punch you. Don't make me punch you. Get off of me. I can't stand it.

SPEAKER_00:

That's for that separation, and then that in that separation period, find you one that can take that your parents will agree.

SPEAKER_01:

Because it wouldn't be cheating, just lie, you'll be separated, but married, married, yeah. This has been another episode of the Life After I Do podcast. If you're not doing so already, go ahead and join us on all of our social media platforms Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, at Life After I Do Podcast. Don't forget you can also write into the podcast at LifeAfter I Do Podcast at gmail.com. You get a new episode every Wednesday, guys. And we love and thank you all for your continued support. And until next week. Go birds. Go birds and peace booskies. Peace booskies.

People on this episode

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Kynesha Gill

Host
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Morice Gill

Host