Life After I Do Podcast
Marriage and relationships can be tough. You may feel like you’re the only one struggling but you’re not. Life After I do is a weekly podcast where Morice and Kynesha, a black married millennial couple, share their experiences and advice on everything from kids and family to intimacy and connection. Noting is off limits.
In their 21 years together and 7 years of marriage, Morice and Kynesha have learned a lot about what it takes to make a relationship work. They know the importance of communication, trust and commitment. They also know it’s okay to not have it all figured out.
Join them every Wednesday as they talk about their own journey of “Life After I do”.
Life After I Do Podcast
Are You Toxic or Flawed?
Not every relationship issue is toxic—but not everything is just a “rough patch,” either. In this episode, we talk about the line between flaws and real harm, and how to tell the difference.
We share moments from our own relationship where we had to confront things that weren’t working—from communication breakdowns to the postpartum season when we honestly didn’t like each other much. The difference is, we chose growth instead of blame.
We also answer questions from our listeners about blended families and how to handle in-laws who test your patience without wrecking your peace.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Is this normal, or is this toxic?”—this one’s for you.
Thanks for rocking with us! Don’t forget to follow Life After I Do so you never miss an episode. Got a relationship situation you want us to weigh in on? Hit us at https://linktr.ee/lifeafteridopodcast — we just might talk about it in a future episode.
When you constantly tell me that I'm overreacting, or when you try to convince me something that never happened, but I know it did.
Speaker 2:OK.
Speaker 1:Or when you are engaging with me in a in a way that gets me riled up. And then, once I get riled up, now you're trying to calm down, because now that you've seen me get riled up and now you're trying to calm down and try to make it seem like it's not. It's not that big of a deal because you're overreacting, but I say you literally just gaslit me. Hey, everybody, welcome back to another week, another episode of the Life After I Do podcast. Did you guys miss us? Because we missed you Last week was a holiday they missed the do-do-do-do-do.
Speaker 1:Last week was a holiday, even though the episodes drop on Wednesday, we said I still want my holiday off which is funny.
Speaker 2:Because this is funny because this year actually marked two years that we have been doing the podcast I can't believe this was the first time in two years that we actually took a break yeah, where we didn't upload an episode and I was really proud, like when I realized that I was like we've been recording consistently for two years and we have not missed an episode.
Speaker 2:So I was like I think, I think, I think we, we could we could take a day we could take a day, and on top of that I would just yeah, I'm moving time but but but, I,
Speaker 1:guess that's also the perks of like moving time like batch doing some things like and not recording, not uploading everything. Cause you know like we still kept you guys like engaged and stuff on social media.
Speaker 2:You just didn't get a full episode. Yeah, the clips and stuff but people, we do record these episodes once a week, yeah, once a week, yeah, once a week. These are not batched, yeah.
Speaker 1:I was going to say like the clips and stuff. We have loads of those. But as far as like the episodes and stuff, yeah, Once a week. You guys get them as close to real time as possible.
Speaker 2:And the thing about the clips is, if you only watch the clips, you know you ain't seen the episodes.
Speaker 1:Clearly, DeMille, that you know you ain't seen the episode. So Clearly, Demel. That's why it's called a clip. Who's going to teach the children?
Speaker 3:Not you, that's all you, who's going to teach the children?
Speaker 2:Don't come for me, look here, look here.
Speaker 3:Who's going to teach the children? Your husband?
Speaker 2:How was your week, Wilson?
Speaker 1:My week was good.
Speaker 2:Too good, okay, tell him about it.
Speaker 3:Tell him how good it was. I wouldn't say it was too good, but Go ahead.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I had a good week. Can you stop throwing me my leg? You look good.
Speaker 3:Thank you, sorry, thank you. Keep your hands to yourself.
Speaker 1:It's the first rule we learned in kindergarten.
Speaker 2:Okay, keep the energy tonight.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Just right now, this is a professional setting. Okay, we can stop this camera and get it in. No, I had a good week. Yeah, not much to report, I mean.
Speaker 2:Wow, this is the first people. It's literally been two weeks. I thought for sure she'd have a 40-minute monologue recapping the last 13 days.
Speaker 1:I mean I spent time with friends. I spent time with family. Got to see my mom. Got to see my mom, got to see my great niece Spoke to my sister, went to the gym, felt great on some days, felt like shit on others other days.
Speaker 2:But no matter the day, the ass was fat.
Speaker 1:But I still showed up. So let's talk about that. And the ass was fat, I still showed up. And then, due to the holiday, because you know the kid had a three day weekend and this fellow had to go to work I will say that was that was.
Speaker 1:That was a win for me and I had posted about it on Instagram because, because you had to go to work and she was home and she also didn't have practice, I couldn't go to the gym at my regularly scheduled programming. And I didn't get to the gym to like damn near a quarter to eight o'clock, but, or no, I got there like six because I left like a quarter to nine, yeah. So I got there like maybe six o'clock, 615, and did a really late workout, but I was proud of myself.
Speaker 2:I turned around and did another workout less than 10 hours later Turned around and did another one.
Speaker 1:Look at the dedication lesson yes, turn around and did another one, but I had I had said all that to say, because that's the part of the journey that I like, that I'm really trying to work on, because I know previous me I'm not gonna say old me, I'm gonna say previous me would have been like well, I guess today is a great day to take off, because I'm not gonna go to the gym and know six, seven, eight o'clock at night and you know I'm just'm going to just chuck today up to a loss.
Speaker 1:But whether I wanted to go or not, I was like I'm just going to do it just so that I can stay on track for the week and create like the consistency you know what I mean. I might skip work.
Speaker 2:I might skip a therapy session. Bye, maurice, stop it. I might skip one of my kids' events.
Speaker 3:Okay, but I'm not skipping the gym, okay.
Speaker 2:I'm going to be in there, stop it.
Speaker 1:Stop it, I'm going to be in it, no, but so that was like that was a really big win.
Speaker 3:for me personally, that's good.
Speaker 1:That was a big win for me personally and I was really proud of myself for getting that done. And also I was proud of myself for getting it done and I was also really proud of myself for not stopping by my favorite restaurant and picking up eight pieces of egg rolls Because I didn't go to my regular gym. Like my regular location gym, I went to a different one which is literally next door to one of my favorite restaurants that have the best egg rolls, and it was like nine something at night and I was like I really could just go in there and just get eight egg rolls. But I was like I'm not going to do it because I really want to do it.
Speaker 1:But I also don't want to go to sleep with that much grease on my stomach. So was it discipline? Or was it just me not wanting to feel like crap?
Speaker 3:while I was asleep with all that grease on my stomach, I'm giving you the win.
Speaker 1:it anyway, yeah, I, I think it was a win because I, when I tell you, the fight that ensued within my spurt and your what my spurt? Okay, because I saw it and I said oh, grandpa. And then I saw everybody like walking in and out and they all look so happy because, and I was like, they're happy because they're eating, they're happy because they're they're.
Speaker 1:They're satiated with good food, and I could be happy and satiated because my runner's high was coming down. And when my runner's high comes down, that's when the hunger sets in.
Speaker 2:You know what you just triggered me?
Speaker 1:So I was like, oh, I could, but I didn't. Instead I stopped by Food for Less, which?
Speaker 3:is wild. I stopped by.
Speaker 1:Food for Less, which is wild. I stopped by Food for Less and picked up a whole rotisserie chicken. I picked up a whole rotisserie chicken.
Speaker 2:And then, what did I?
Speaker 3:do. What did I?
Speaker 1:do with the rotisserie chicken.
Speaker 2:I said what are you doing? I said what are you eating? I said the way she was eating it.
Speaker 1:I said have you been starving? I bought that rotisserie chicken here in this house. I got some of my jasmine rice and I keep cilantro and onion cut up and I started taking that chicken apart and putting it in a bowl.
Speaker 3:And.
Speaker 1:I dumped some of that rice on there and I dumped some onion and cilantro and just put a little bit of sauce on top and I was like this is going to be the best egg rolls ever.
Speaker 2:For the games.
Speaker 3:For the games.
Speaker 1:And it didn't feel as bad, okay, but yeah, so that was pretty good.
Speaker 2:I mean likely. I have nothing to report.
Speaker 1:Oh, two weeks off and you have nothing to say.
Speaker 2:My weeks are the same. I work, I father I husband. Okay, that's it. I father, I husband. Okay, that's it. I work, I father, I husband. That's it.
Speaker 1:That's that's my I play, I play my position okay, that's what I do oh I did, I did want to mention yep, you said you had.
Speaker 1:I did want to mention because you know I've been talking about this for like the past few days. Okay, listen you know I am, you know, I am because everyone is talking about it, because everyone is just in disbelief. And I'm honestly thinking about just going live and just having a conversation with, like, all my friends and everything, and we can just all discuss it. It's the unknown number, the high school catfish.
Speaker 2:This has nothing to do with the episode.
Speaker 1:It doesn't have anything to do with the episode, but it has everything to do with my week, because I watched it during my week. So we're discussing my week, since he had nothing to report on this week. Bye, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Listen, okay, you really need to watch.
Speaker 3:It was anybody. I mean, I don't even have to ask the question.
Speaker 1:I don't have to even ask the question. Was anybody else just as, like upset surprised, angry, because I posted about it on my stories on Instagram and the immediate messages that came back everybody, we're all feeling like the same level of anger, I mean.
Speaker 2:I didn't even watch it. Just from what you told me, I was like that's the fuck I, I, I probably would have did something, either constantly or not, as a husband.
Speaker 1:Like the husband. He was furious, and rightfully so. But but now everyone's thinking um that the daughter might have been in on it, because everyone's now talking about her reaction and they were like she didn't seem like she had a lot of reaction when the police officer was telling her that it was her mom and she was still allowing her mom to like coddle her and hug her and stuff like that. And I was like the poor child was probably in shock. That's still her mom, that's like her go-to person. You know what I mean. So I still don't think she knew, but that's either here or there.
Speaker 1:But yes, I just want to hear what everybody else has to say, even though I know what everybody else has to say, I just want to hear what everybody else has to say, but I'll let you know and I'll post it on Instagram if I plan on like going live or like. By the time you hear this, it might have happened. That's why you should follow me on social media. But yeah, so nothing to report in your week.
Speaker 2:Nothing to report.
Speaker 1:OK well, along, you know, similar to along the lines of the documentary Unknown Number. You know, a lot of people like to say that she is. What she did was very toxic behavior, which kind of takes me into today's topic. Are we talking about toxic people today? Listen. I feel, like Hold on, hold on, hold on hold on.
Speaker 2:Let me get this out of the way now. Is this one of those episodes where you finna tell me about myself for 45 minutes?
Speaker 1:No, I've never had an episode like that.
Speaker 2:We've had multiple.
Speaker 1:No, we haven't.
Speaker 2:I feel like if you ever.
Speaker 1:I feel like if you feel attacked, that's a you thing, not a me thing.
Speaker 2:Whatever, I don't feel attacked, I know you just said you. I don't have to feel it. I know what my wife Listen. I know what my wife is coming for me.
Speaker 1:And I feel like that has more to do with you and how.
Speaker 2:All right.
Speaker 1:So if you want to say that's toxic, then so we're talking about toxic People or toxic relationships. It's you know.
Speaker 2:here's the thing I just feel like as a survivor of a toxic relationship. Please don't.
Speaker 1:I don't want to be violent today.
Speaker 2:See See as a survivor. I think I have some unique points of view, because dealing with a toxic person who is in rehab, who's in rehab. Partial recovery.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, you know? No, I don't know, but please elaborate. You see, these people don't know, they don't know. They don't know the real me, they don't know the real you, they don't know.
Speaker 2:Pre-covid Nisha G. Pre-covid. Please do tell they don't know what we're doing. When nisha g was out there in them streets and she was a manager there's a whole different nisha g shut up. She thought she was managing everybody I I still do no you don't yes, I do, yes, I do so. I have some experience with some toxic people really okay.
Speaker 1:I mean, you know, if that's how you feel, your feelings are valid, I can't argue with. So I have some experience with some toxic people.
Speaker 3:Really Okay.
Speaker 1:I mean, you know, if that's how you feel, your feelings are valid. I can't argue with that. So, sir, that's your experience.
Speaker 2:Sir, I did have something to say, I just remembered this. Okay, football is back and my Eagles are off to a 1-0 start.
Speaker 1:A winning 0 start.
Speaker 2:A 1-0 start. Oh, it was ugly, but we won. You pulled through.
Speaker 1:You were so terrified of losing to the Cowboys.
Speaker 2:The Cowgirls. You said it right, the Cowgirls. And like I say every year, every year, I will support my team, no matter what. If we go 2-16 or 2 and 14, I'm still happy as long as we beat them, damn Cowboys.
Speaker 3:As long as you don't lose to the Cowboys.
Speaker 2:We can lose to everybody else, just not the Cowboys. Just not them damn Cowboys.
Speaker 1:Okay, so how many times are they going to play the Cowboys? Twice a year. Okay, so we've already played them once.
Speaker 2:Beat them.
Speaker 1:And so when do we play them again?
Speaker 2:In week 12 in Arlington. Okay In the house that.
Speaker 1:Jerry built. Okay, so as long as we beat them then that's a successful season for you.
Speaker 2:We can lose every game between now and week 12. We can lose week 2 through 11. We can take a L. That's terrible.
Speaker 3:As long as we get a W in week 12. That's terrible. That's how.
Speaker 2:I feel Granted. I want the W every week, Right.
Speaker 1:However, however. As long as the L doesn't come from the Cowboys, that's it.
Speaker 2:That's it. That's it, that's it. We can lose to the Jacksonville Jaguars. I don't care oh, I don't even know who that is, as long as they're the Dallas Cowgirls Cowboys.
Speaker 3:Cow sluts so disrespectful anywho yes yeah so that's my way.
Speaker 1:It's all great okay, so back to what we were discussing.
Speaker 2:My bad y'all she do be all attractive, she looking good, and y'all, y'all can't this. Her leg is out and it's distracting me. Oh my gosh, I just want to grab it.
Speaker 1:I feel like I hear toxic a lot a lot. A lot. It's used so much Like any type of discomfort, unhappiness, disagreement, misunderstanding. It's like he's toxic, she's toxic. Like what is it? Are we talking about people who are legitimately like, manipulative or something like that, are legitimately like manipulative or something like that? Or we're talking about people who you just don't necessarily vibe with or whose personalities you don't get along with, or who's not like supporting you in the way, in the capacity that you need to be supported in?
Speaker 2:We can't just call them toxic. The modern definition of a toxic person is a toxic person is someone who consists whose consistent patterns of behaviors are emotionally, mentally or somewhat physically damaging to their partner. Okay, this includes manipulation, control, dishonesty, belittling, lack of accountability that's a big one and emotional unavailability okay, so I can, I can hear that and I can receive that.
Speaker 1:Receive it. Don't hear it.
Speaker 3:Receive it, don't hear it, receive it, because we need to talk about the boys in here that you do DeMille.
Speaker 2:We need to talk about the stuff in here that you do, demille, how you belittle me all the time. Demille, let's talk about it, let's get into it.
Speaker 3:DeMille.
Speaker 2:Talk about your woman, my woman, red Max. I won't rep max, let's talk about it. What? How you belittled me.
Speaker 1:I don't know, Because you came for me. We've had the discussion multiple times. When you, this happens all the time. My husband and I rag on each other Like it's a love language at this point.
Speaker 3:But when?
Speaker 1:he tries to rag on me, or when he tries to come for me, and then I have a comeback His skin is not as thick as mine is and she's sitting here right now.
Speaker 2:people taking a lack of accountability.
Speaker 1:Because you sat there and you tried to make fun of me. And then when I said oh yeah, that's funny coming from somebody who's one rep maxes my warm-up. You got all buggered.
Speaker 2:Take accountability Okay.
Speaker 1:I take accountability.
Speaker 2:See accountability.
Speaker 1:This is why I tell you I have experience dealing with these oh my goodness okay, so anyway you made me lose my train of thought, but um you're welcome, but what I was gonna say was for that what I was gonna say was the things that you mentioned about, like um control.
Speaker 2:Dishonesty, belittling, accountability Okay, All of that.
Speaker 1:So when it comes, to like emotional availability, um, accountability, things like that. Would you really classify that as like being toxic or is that something that could have potentially just been learned behavior that has not been made aware to the person that you could work on? It could be learned toxic behavior.
Speaker 3:Okay, listen it could be learned.
Speaker 1:Okay, I get that, but what I'm saying is it's like in a relationship, right, every single person is not going to be perfect at taking accountability, no, at being emotionally available and emotionally supportive. All right, um, some people could potentially be. Now, when it comes to manipulation, I do believe that there are some people who may be aware that they're being manipulative and some people who may not be aware that the way that they go about things or solving problems or interacting with their partner is manipulative, right, but when brought to their attention, and if you're like, hey, I'm letting you know when you behave this way, when you speak this way, it makes me feel this way. I do feel like this is an area of our relationship we can work on, and then they're willing to work on it. Is that just just them not knowing?
Speaker 1:And then we work on it because in a relationship we're supposed to be working on those things.
Speaker 2:In that instance, that's them not knowing, because they're taking accountability and making adjustments to their behavior. Ok, so are they still considered a toxic person, or just the they were doing. The characteristic was toxic, but they corrected it Okay. Because I think but some people are just toxic people Like you think that they know that they consciously know that what they're doing is toxic.
Speaker 1:Yes, excuse me, is toxic.
Speaker 2:Yes, okay, and I think that's where like when we have the discussion, I want to differentiate. That's what that's where, that's how you said it, what you said that's where, bye.
Speaker 1:That's where I want to see. That's where I want to see, like, the distinction, because I feel I I hear toxic so much and when I hear someone talk about another person being toxic, or, uh, their partner being toxic, I'm just like, first of all, this isn't the first time they've behaved this way. Usually, when you hear it, it sounds like these are traits that they have had for a while, for a very long time but now, yeah, but now that social media has, like, put a word to what you've probably been feeling.
Speaker 2:Now that's what you want to attach it to with everything. That's the effect of social media, right? So every once in a while, a word comes across social media and people just start using it like it's going out of style. You know, toxic, narcissist.
Speaker 1:Oh yes, that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:There's just certain words that people don't know the meaning of these words. They just say them because they want to assume that it just fits what's going on in their life. So I do think that a lot of it is a lot of these words get hyped up, but a lot of this stuff is is true, a lot, a lot of people out here. Just I do think that a lot of people have certain behaviors that are learned and and and have been repeated so often that it's just part of who they are and they don't really, they don't necessarily realize that that behavior is toxic or no one's have brought.
Speaker 1:No one has brought it to their attention in the capacity of a. You may not be aware, but what you're doing is like low-key, abusive. You know what I mean. So that's what I mean. So it's funny how you could say that so how do we separate normal human flaws from actual toxic traits? Is what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:I think you have to take it on a case-by-case basis of what's happening and then kind of dissect what's happening and then address what's happening Right happening, and then address what's happening right, and then I honestly I feel like it's only toxic once the behavior has been brought up and then that person refuses to change?
Speaker 3:yes, or change the way they either talk or communicate, or what they do yeah, to bring the toxicity tour into the relationship okay, I'm happy that you said that, because I think that's where we can properly, probably properly, use the term toxic.
Speaker 1:If I came to you and said like hey, um, the way you like gaslight me and you're like I don't gaslight you, well, I'm letting you, yeah, I'm letting you. If I give you an example of how I feel like you were gaslighting me, okay, right, and you are trying to make a valid effort into trying not to not trying not to like going forward, then I think that was something that you just weren't aware of, like it was a toxic trait that you had when you made those statements. Like when I say, for example, like gaslighting. If I say, um, when you, when you constantly tell me that I'm overreacting, or when you, um, try to convince me something that never happened, but I know it did.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 1:Or when you are engaging with me in a way that gets me riled up and then, once I get riled up, now you're trying to calm down, because now that you've seen me get riled up and now you're trying to calm down and try to make it seem like it's not that big of a deal because you're overreacting. But I say you literally just gaslit me what?
Speaker 2:what I have learned is that your memory is a1 most of the time, but what I have learned is that we can perceive an event two different ways at the same time, all the time. So in my mind. I'm telling you what I saw happening. But you like it. It happened that way, but to me it did.
Speaker 1:Okay, but in any case, when I bring it, to your attention.
Speaker 3:So you be gaslighting me, boy, don't nobody gaslight. You Stop it, see, see.
Speaker 1:Because you like how I just I just literally said the same exact thing back to me. Anyway, if you, if I, bring something like that to your attention and you make a valid effort in being more conscious or being more um, uh, what's the word I'm looking for intentional?
Speaker 1:okay about not trying to make me feel that way. I think that's different. Have I been intentional if in some things, some things, but in a lot of things, you still forget your, your, your, your trainings, that you've learned in therapy and you're still a work in progress. We all are and that's why I say we need to we need to separate the toxicness from the flaws because, we are all flawed, and that's what that's where this whole thing came from.
Speaker 1:How do we separate people who are flawed because we are all flawed, and that's what that's where this whole thing came from? How do we separate people who are flawed because we are all flawed from toxic exactly from actual? Toxic behavior what? Look at me? Oh my gosh, I didn't look at you. I'm well. I'm looking at you because I'm having a conversation with you.
Speaker 3:Look good too. Thank you um this is.
Speaker 1:This is why you can't take anything serious because you're like you're over here having a man moment.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because I'm looking at my wife like, look at this snack I'm trying to eat anyway.
Speaker 1:so, like I said, if you, if you're conscious and intentional intentional about trying to correct how, like, a behavior that I'm telling you could potentially be detrimental to, like, our communication or our interaction or our relationship, that's I feel like that's different, like that's a character flaw that you potentially had, that you may not have been aware of, but because you are trying to become the better version of yourself and I'm the person who has to interact with you, you are taking the accountability of saying like, even if I didn't agree with how she is saying the whole situation happened, it would still help me to help her, to help our relationship, to take a look at it, you know, even if it's from her perspective.
Speaker 2:And honestly, in my opinion, I've just learned I just take accountability for everything. Ok, I've learned that it just've just taken accountability for everything. Okay, I've learned that it just it's better for us. I'm just going to, I'm going to acknowledge what you say, I'm going to acknowledge your feelings, I'm going to hear you out, right, and I'm going to say sometimes I'll say my two cents, sometimes I won't, but I'll be like, okay, and I just try to. I try to, in my mind, replay the event and figure out where I went wrong and what can I do to communicate better so that you don't feel that way. That's what I try to do, so that it's not a big argument, because you know I'm damn near 40. I don't like to argue, no more.
Speaker 1:But that's what I'm saying, the fact that you take the moment, or anybody, not just you. I think that's where, when I say what is the difference between a person who is flawed, like we all are, and a person who is toxic, a person who is flawed who also wants to be a better version of themselves and to be the best version for themselves and for their partner, would take that pause. They would take that pause and, even if they don't necessarily agree with it, it would still be beneficial for them to like, look inward and be like okay. Well, I don't want, just like how. You wouldn't want to be perceived at work as like.
Speaker 1:If you say, for instance, you're going up for a promotion, you want to be, want to be perceived at work as somebody who couldn't perform the duties of the job that you're trying to go for, right. So in your relationship, you wouldn't want to be perceived or viewed as the person who was causing harm, discomfort, unhappiness or whatever in their partner, right? So I think that's where we can start differentiating, if I said it right, um, the the difference between a flawed person and someone who's genuinely toxic, because I think a person who's genuinely toxic, they just be like. It is what it is, my boy. You can either live with it or live. It is what it is. It is what it is my boy, you can either live with it or live without it.
Speaker 3:But the decision is yours.
Speaker 1:Live, laugh, love, or they'll double down and just be like no, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't do that. I didn't say that. You know what I mean. But on the flip side of that.
Speaker 2:It's like from the male's point of view. It's like if you're with someone and she's constantly critiquing everything you do, Uh-huh Like you can do nothing, right, Right.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm, no matter how hard you try, no matter how you try to set it up in a way where it's easy for her or it's done in the way she wants. Because I know women, you guys have this thing Like. I know I not gonna speak for women because I don't want y'all to come for me they're gonna come for you anyway, it doesn't matter. My, I know my wife has there's.
Speaker 2:There's a way I do things and then there's a way my wife I would prefer them to be done and she just assumes that her way is the right way, where that's not always the case. Sometimes there's more than one side to the pickle, what, what do you like what I?
Speaker 1:there's more than one side to the pickle yeah, oh, you know what I mean sure I also know that, that my version of clean is not the same.
Speaker 2:That's not always matched up to her.
Speaker 3:No, it's not that it doesn't always right.
Speaker 2:It never so matches up to my level of clean for me personally when I'm doing something, let's say when I'm cleaning the kitchen, right, Straightening up the kitchen. Okay, see, here we go, here we go In your mind when I'm straightening up the kitchen and it's not living up to your.
Speaker 1:So that constant criticism makes me not want to do it, not want right, and I get that. So I'm like I get that well, but that's why?
Speaker 3:but hold on since I'm not doing it how you want it to be done, then you can do it yourself there, there we have it but okay, but because we also know that have we not set up systems?
Speaker 1:in the house that we that's that, since we know that to be true. Yeah, we have set up systems where we know you just. You're just not cut out for that.
Speaker 3:That's not your testimony and that's okay, and I said the same thing and there's versions of me that I'm just not like.
Speaker 2:It's not my testimony and I'm not gonna do it and I refuse to do it, and he's better at it, so he's gonna do it and I tell people all the time I said I can't speak for your relationship or your marriage, but my marriage we have. We have certain. Well, because when I tell people, no, I don't do this, this or this, why my wife does that, yeah, and my wife doesn't do this, this, this, why?
Speaker 1:because I do that like when my mom comes and she sees the trash, like she's like just walk it to the trash. I'm not going to do that. That is not in my testimony to do. Look here, I will let that trash pile to the ceiling before I take that trash outside.
Speaker 2:We have a system that is working and we will not let anybody influence our system, our ecosystem? Yeah, it works. We are riding the homeostasis.
Speaker 1:Well, I got a text message today from one of my mom's friends because she had mailed Phoenix. I guess she mailed her like a birthday card or something and she's been texting me for like two days. She was like have you got it yet? And I was like I don't know, I don have you got it yet. And I was like I don't know, I don't check the mail. And she's like my mom will be like just go, I'm not gonna do that, and I go to the mailbox once every 14 days. I don't. I think I don't, I'm not going to the mail, I'm not taking out, I just that's how we work around here, okay, so like and it my mom, she's the one she'll be.
Speaker 1:Like that just makes no sense. It doesn't make sense for you, it makes perfect sense for us. He don't clean toilets, I don't take out the trash or check mail or anything else like that. So I don't, it works for us. She don't.
Speaker 1:She don't cook my steak. I'm not gonna cook his steak. I mean I will cook the steak, but he don't want. He don't want me to, because I don't cook the steak. You know, I'm saying I cook the chicken, but we say all that to say it's like yes, from the male perspective, like an aspect of like a toxic person or a toxic female could be someone who's always belittling or someone who's always criticizing. But I think, when you had came to me with that type of notion, that type of feeling, like you always talk about how I'm not doing it right or I'm not doing it to your standards, so it just just it doesn't motivate me to want to do it. So it's like okay, I can get that and I received that, so let's do this, cause it could have just been. It could have just been or you could just do it the way that.
Speaker 2:I just this is a side note I just find it funny that someone who was not allowed to use a dishwasher growing up telling me how to properly load a dishwasher Because I used a dishwasher.
Speaker 1:And it's, oh my gosh, which was wild. Listen, he put those dishes in the side note, side story. No, he cleaned the kitchen one day and I was like, okay, like where is it? He was like I put the dishes, I loaded the dishes in the dishwasher, I opened that dishwasher and I was like like none of these dishes will get washed. You literally just threw shit in the dishwasher.
Speaker 1:No, I don't understand I was like I said, babe, you have to put the plastics on the top rack. The the, the glass and stuff can go on the bottom rack, because otherwise the lids and the plastic bowls will melt. Because he's like well then you can just do it yourself. I was like, but there's a way these are supposed to be done. But yes, I couldn't use a dishwasher when I was younger, but as an adult it's like I'm using dishwasher, vacuum cleaners, all of the things, all of the things.
Speaker 2:So yeah, but I can.
Speaker 1:I can totally, I can totally understand that. But that goes back to like what I said. It could have been a situation where I was, I could have just been like but if it doesn't make sense, makes sense. But that's my common sense, you know what I mean. And I could have just been like why don't you just do it this way, exactly? So instead, we just said to ourselves like, okay, you don't like the way I do this and I don't like the way you do this, so how about, in this instance, you be responsible for this and I can be responsible for that? Are you happy with that? Yes, are you happy with that?
Speaker 2:sure, it's just this and we just moved on it just reminded me of this was maybe like 15 years ago, where I I literally said you.
Speaker 1:Now I said like we cannot use the same computer oh yeah because he doesn't like my organization because the way you say stuff will drive me crazy.
Speaker 2:I don't understand everything. It all makes sense. It's not file it.
Speaker 1:No, you don't yes, I do, and sometimes I just do sub files, like I do little files, little files inside of, like okay anyway, continue it on I mean another, you know talking part or a sign.
Speaker 2:You know it is when you know people try to weaponize affection. Yes, you know, um, yeah, so you withhold intimacy or affection as punishment so you're mad at me. So you think, because you're mad at me, you ain't gonna give up.
Speaker 1:No, oh no, we had that. I think we talked about that one time before the podcast, when we were talking about uh, the silent treatment.
Speaker 1:Honestly, when you mad at me, I don't really want to anyway uh, remember when we talked about silent treatment and you tried to give me silent treatment one time. I know you remember, so don't look at me like that, but we like for me, I was like we're gonna nip that in the bud, like right now. And when we came out of came from our corners, I'll say, when we finally came from our corners, the, what was the first thing I said? I was like you have zero times more. Zero times more to pretend like you don't notice me or to pretend like you're not going to talk to me or give me the silent treatment or give me a hug or give me my forehead kiss in the morning.
Speaker 2:Like you're being passive aggressive.
Speaker 1:That was not passive aggressive, it was being passive aggressive. It was not. It was not, it was not. But yes, really don't call me that it wasn't. Don't call me, shut up, don't call me that.
Speaker 2:I was doing what I know to do.
Speaker 1:Oh, I just closed on my rings, wild Wild, my watch just gave it to me. But yes, weaponized affection, that could be a thing too. But like I said again, I'm gonna repeat myself flawed versus toxic. The flawed bringing it the attention, being intentional, trying to adjust, change, redirect, pivot the behavior for the betterment of self and relationship. Toxic you fucking deal with it, yeah, and and so your feelings were hurt, mission accomplished. Look, your feelings were hurt so what did we?
Speaker 1:learn don't piss me off, and then you can still get forehead kisses no, that's what you learned no, it's not, it's not okay, but like we, we always say, you know real world experience.
Speaker 1:that's why we have these conversations, because we we us like everybody else are not perfect. I was in um, uh, one of my cousin's lives the other night alive as far as like on tiktok and um, we were just talking about like how long you know people have been together and such and such, and she's like how long have you guys been together? And I was like we've been together almost 24 years and like people in the comments were like oh, like, you know that's good and you know great relationship and all this and that and the third, and I'm just like. I'm just like. That does not mean it.
Speaker 1:It did not come with some work? And we're still working.
Speaker 3:We're still learning. At least one of us is Okay. You know I can't stand you.
Speaker 1:At least one of us is, and I don't want to say that in a discouraging way, I don't like saying it or framing it in a way where people are just like, if it takes that much time, energy and effort, then why be in a relationship with somebody takes that much time, energy and effort than like, why be in a relationship with somebody? But I say all that to say that when you make a decision to be in a monogamous relationship, you know, and especially if you're in a long term relationship, a long term marriage, it's not going to go without some bumps in the road, and I think that's what people really need to understand, and especially kind of the generation that's coming up now, the ones who like to throw loosely terms like this that talks oh no, he's toxic. Is he toxic or is he just like undeveloped? Is he like uneducated? Is he?
Speaker 2:lacks life experience or maybe he's just not aware or maybe, or maybe you both are just not communicating properly, right? Maybe you're just not communicating to the point to where you both are being heard the way you want to be heard Exactly and the thing, and the thing is like I always say about this is, when it comes to communication, it's like you have to be open to receive it as much as you're willing to dish it out, exactly Because you if if if you only't, you don't really you don't want to, you don't want to change, you don't want to develop, you don't want to grow, you don't want the situation to be better, right?
Speaker 2:you don't want to be better, you want. You just want him to him or her to what you want right and so that that's why I say every relationship really is a two-way street, and I think what we've done really well is that we through knows trial and tribulations and ups and downs and good times and bad times, and, lord, we have been through a lot of stuff.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:We've been through pretty much everything but infidelity.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Why would?
Speaker 3:both be quiet.
Speaker 2:Because I was trying to say I was giving you time to come free. Okay, Free your conscience.
Speaker 1:And I would do it on the episode Okay.
Speaker 2:That's crazy. It's a safe place.
Speaker 1:All right, yeah, I'm going to confess right now.
Speaker 2:I knew it whore. Well, we've gone through pretty much most of it. We're going to do financial problems, we're going to do communication issues.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're going to do spells. They're not liking each other's stage.
Speaker 2:Oh Lord, communication issues.
Speaker 1:yeah, we're going through not liking each other's stage. We've been there a couple times, a couple times. We've been through that a couple of times, a couple times lord, I mean, I mean most.
Speaker 2:I think the most recent is like maybe three months postpartum. Well, my wife's a postpartum I I couldn't stand her.
Speaker 1:Oh, that was a two-way street.
Speaker 2:I couldn't stand her because she wasn't my wife.
Speaker 1:I was depressed, unbeknownst to myself. That's why it's difficult.
Speaker 2:I knew you had a lot going on so I gave you a lot of grace, but I didn't like coming home to you. I said, oh my God, because it literally got to the point of what is she going to complain about today? Listen I just worked 11 hours.
Speaker 1:You need time that that went through this year and came out the other. I didn't give two shits which went out there and did the only thing that matters is when you cross that threshold of the door. You're here now, so you should have took that 20 minutes in the car to switch the brain gears. Because when you walked in there. I don't give two shits what happened out there.
Speaker 3:But you can come get your baby.
Speaker 1:You can come get your baby.
Speaker 2:It was so. So it's like we've, we've, we've gone through so many things that we've come out. So it's like we've gone through so many things that we've come out, and I think that everything that we've gone through has made us a little bit stronger each time we've gone through something to where now we can recognize, not only in each other but in the relationship term, what it is that we kind of need to get through what we're going through, and a lot of times I mean, it's really as simple as just dating again.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Getting into a space where you guys can just be, not be husband and wife, but just be like friends, be friends, be boyfriend and girlfriend.
Speaker 1:Get to the point. Get excited.
Speaker 2:Get to a place where you're not thinking about the realities of life as far as like bills and all that other crap.
Speaker 1:Get to the point to where you're just two people who like spending time together, experiencing each other, yeah and who like, because we we have moments where, when we go out and we'll sit across from each other at a table and we'll literally be like I still like hanging out with you, like when we get time alone. You know, it's like we'll have this little tension built up where it's like you're getting on my nerves. Like you know, life is life, and then we'll get alone and we get separated and we get somewhere and it's just like okay, I still like, I still like hanging out with you. You know what I mean like I still like spending time with you. I just don't want to get to the point where I look at you and be like I could have went on a solo date. I'm going to just leave, I'm going to just go ahead you go on solo dates all the time.
Speaker 2:Stop the cap. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Stop the cap. Look here, you know what I mean. I'm talking about thinking about a solo date when I'm with you, like when we're on a date. That's what I mean. I go to work.
Speaker 2:After the gym I go to work. My wife has about she'll pick the daughter up and monday through, when monday through wednesday my daughter's at practice, my wife is on a solo date, she is fooling nobody. She is fooling nobody on wednesday. She might be on a solo day before she picked my daughter up because she don't go to the gym.
Speaker 1:She is full, she gets her personal time I go to the gym while she's at practice, because she goes early okay, but what I'm saying is you're gonna get your time. Goodbye anywho, but yeah, so I mean it doesn't come without, like, some bumps in the road is essentially what the whole thing is, but, yes, weaponized affection um another one. I think would be um like financial manipulation or just manipulation in general.
Speaker 2:Oh, like Ogre who the mom, oh, yeah, okay listen.
Speaker 1:Why would you say that? Because you just triggered me again. But that is a perfect example. That's a perfect example of manipulation he's talking about. I guess her name was Kendra Licari, from Unknown Number, a high school catfish. That is classic manipulation. Because she basically was bullying her own child digitally and putting herself in such a hero situation because she would send her these text messages beating her down all day. Then the girl would come running to her looking for affection, looking for comfort, looking for support, know a shoulder to cry on and get some relief. But she was also the one that was causing harm.
Speaker 2:And the relief at the same time.
Speaker 1:And the relief at the same time. That is Ooh, look at that power trip. Now that's toxic.
Speaker 3:Now see, I think that's a perfect example because, how do we?
Speaker 1:distinguish a flawed person between a toxic person.
Speaker 2:But do you see yourself in that?
Speaker 1:You know what? I really don't want to reach over and hit you, but I will stop doing that. Um, but listen, how do we distinguish that of a like? Is she a flawed person or is she a toxic?
Speaker 1:person, literally creating chaos yes, to be, to be the savior. Yes, she's toxic. That's toxic. And I say it's toxic because when you listen to her trying to give a reason to why she did it, she couldn't there. There wasn't like a real reason. Her reason was someone else started it. She picked it up in the pursuit of trying to find out who originally started it. That don't even make sense. Don't make sense, boo. That don't even make sense, not at all so that now, that is that that's an example of toxic thank you for bringing that up because that was good.
Speaker 2:That's what I do. That's what I'm here for. That's what I'm here for. I can't. I'm here to help you you're here to help me I'm just. I'm as the comments say. I'm just a bad commentary, show you right.
Speaker 3:okay, all right, all right, anywho.
Speaker 2:But on the flip side of financial manipulation, it's also financial exportation. Meaning me, are you expecting someone to cover all your expenses? Because of whatever reason you can think of? I think that's toxic. You think that's toxic, you think that's toxic.
Speaker 1:Explain why it's toxic. Tell me why it's toxic. You just to expect it, expect, yes, expect it without reasoning and expecting it without, like, discussion or anything like that. I could see how that could be toxic. Like if you, for instance, if you're just like, if you're a well-off man and I'm a young woman and I start dating you, so you're telling me it's toxic for me to automatically assume that you are now going to cover all my expenses without us even having a conversation or without us, like you know, making a ground to say like, hey, I don't owe you anything, you wouldn't owe me anything. But if we had made a discussion, or if we had a discussion, yeah, we had a situation, we had a yeah, where it's like hey, I'm willing to cover your rent, I cover your expenses because we got a situation and we had a discussion.
Speaker 2:We have an agreement right now, but mostly a situation it could change the child is the situation you're taking care of her emotional and physical needs okay making sure she has everything physically, emotionally yes and I'm taking care of the financial needs of everybody. Okay, because?
Speaker 1:that's the situation, that's the agreement that's the, that's the situation that's the situation, that's the agreement but if you ever wanted to change don't say that, because every time I offer for it to change, you turn it down if you ever wanted to change, if, if you're going to be like babe, you know what? You can stay, go ahead and stay home.
Speaker 2:Not even stay home, babe, just work for you this week, don't work.
Speaker 1:I mean you can if you want to. Life is a choice.
Speaker 2:Don't work. Don't work 60 days a week. Life is a choice.
Speaker 1:But any. Um, yes, I could see how that. I could see how that could be toxic, because if there's like no previous discussion or anything like that, okay, I could, I could see where you're going there.
Speaker 2:It's the expectation without so any contribution from yourself. So, like you just showing up and you expected something because you show up okay, that's what I was gonna say.
Speaker 1:Yes, because I'm trying to figure out, like, how would you frame that? Because I do feel like there are unspoken expectations in relationships, like when people get into relationships. And I don't know if that I guess, because when we talk about like gender roles right, when we get together, when men and women get together, you get into a relationship, there are unspoken or just like you know, not need to be said expectations men would have on women, women have on men. Men have this unspoken expectation that, ok, you know, typically you're going to be the one that does majority of the cooking, because that's just psychologically ingrained into all of us. Right, women could be like, well, you know you're going to take care of the car payments and the insurance and the rent, oh, I am Okay. But that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:Like those are no. No, no, that was a question, bye.
Speaker 1:But those are like unspoken expectations. Do you know what I'm saying? I get you, so is that a toxic thing?
Speaker 2:That's a communication thing, okay, but what's toxic is that, when the communication is not there on one side, okay. When it's just, this is what I expect from you, and if you can't deliver this, then I'm leaving.
Speaker 1:Okay Now, see, okay, now that I might have to slightly disagree with you on that, and let me let me tell you why.
Speaker 1:Because? No, let me tell you why, if you get into a relationship right, because we talk about communication Okay, if we are new in a relationship, or we're going into a relationship and I explain to you hey, like I guess you can, for lack of better verbiage like this is what I would expect, or this is like the level of love that I receive, or that I feel I deserve, or whatever, and you, off the bat, tell me, like no, that's not toxic for me to say, okay, you can have a nice life, I think we'll be great as friends. I'm going to leave because I think it would be toxic for me to continuously stay with you, go back and forth with you trying to change something about you that you're not willing to change, okay, and then it causing more damage than it does, then it doesn't okay. So I don't think walking away from something that doesn't serve you if I'm not saying that I agree with that, okay, but don't serve you to walk away okay, but that's what I'm saying, like, but there's a, there's like levels to it.
Speaker 1:You know everything. It can't be something where it's like like an all or nothing, like when you say if something doesn't serve you, okay, I get to walk away, but no, no I'm talking about.
Speaker 2:I'm talking about, in that, when it's fresh, yes, yeah, right, there's a lot of things right now that don't serve me, right, but but I'm not gonna walk away.
Speaker 3:Gymnastics don't serve me why do I even bother sometimes?
Speaker 1:hobby lobby and michaels hobby lobby does serve you, don't serve me, it does, it does.
Speaker 3:Don't giving me my creative outlet that allows me, allows me to have a more, uh, tolerable attitude to be to be around that don't serve
Speaker 1:me that can help calm and relax me um, but yeah, so I do think, especially coming into like a newer relationship to say what your, like I guess, needs, or expectations are yes, and it's like you can't meet that okay, that's right. Or even if you're like a year in and it's like, hey, I've constantly communicated to you. This is the level of love that I feel I deserve.
Speaker 1:I've constantly communicated Like I've, if the work has been there, I've communicated, I have shown, I have given examples, I have stepped back, I've given room. I have stepped back, I've given room you know what I mean Like I've done what I think that I can do within my capacity to get you to a level of understanding of where I need you to be, just like you're trying to get me to a level of understanding of where you need me to be, to best support you, to best love you, to best be a playing role in your life. But if you haven't done that for me we're still early enough in the relationship that I can say the time we had together was good, but I can't foresee myself taking this any further.
Speaker 3:Did you say you're still young?
Speaker 1:enough. I can't foresee myself taking this any further and living life like this. That's a fair enough what you should do?
Speaker 2:I don't think that should take a year.
Speaker 1:Okay, but what I'm? Saying these should be happy, we should be having what I'm saying is what I'm saying is is that I believe that is not, no, a toxic thing? So when you had said, when you said what you had said about, like yeah, you could that's toxic for a person just to walk away?
Speaker 2:I don't think so okay, what I'm saying is what I what I mean by walk away is that? Oh, but what I mean is that is like when it's expected and they don't want to walk away, they just want you to acquiesce to them. Okay, that's like one-sided yes. Okay, they're like they. They expect this, but like, in our sense, I'm, I'm getting something out of the deal right now. It may not be market value you know you, just you.
Speaker 1:Right Now it may not be market value. You know you, just you can't help yourself.
Speaker 2:It may not be market value, but I'm getting something out of the deal.
Speaker 1:He just can't help himself. He can't help himself. He's going to be all over my ass as soon as we stop recording. As soon as we stop recording, he's going to be all over my ass and I'm leaving. I'm going to go to the gym.
Speaker 3:That's fine.
Speaker 1:I'm leaving. That's fine. Finish your sentence. I forgot what I was saying. See, and this is what happens when you keep playing too much Then you forget your whole train of thought. Oh my God.
Speaker 2:Oh, I'm definitely getting something out of the deal. So it's not, it's not one-sided, but my thing is that I feel like you're gonna the. To me, the toxic part is when you expect something without giving something. Okay, that's what.
Speaker 1:That's what I mean okay, I guess I can see that that's what I mean that's what he. That's what he meant.
Speaker 2:Okay you know what people. This has been the last episode.
Speaker 1:Bye the last episode. I was like she's not right, the last episode.
Speaker 2:Y'all can't see it with this thigh. This thigh got me in a chokehold.
Speaker 3:What thigh my thigh, this thigh right here, oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:Okay, well, that was a good discussion, but yeah, I think I just wanted to. Can we talk about your?
Speaker 3:thigh. No, we're not going to talk about my thigh.
Speaker 1:Let's talk about how good and soft it is. I just wanted to really try to lay out the difference between people who are genuinely toxic and people who are just flawed people. We're all flawed people. So therefore, in my conclusion, we all got a little toxicity Because we all flawed, okay, but it could be just lack of awareness. It could be lack of education. You know what I mean, not lack of education. We're not born with a full download of how to do life and how to be in relation with people. We're not.
Speaker 2:So it's all a learning journey, but at the same time.
Speaker 1:But there are boundaries and limits, right, that's the thing, that is the thing All right guys. So let's go ahead and move right on into our two cents. Okay, let's see. So here we go. Am I the asshole for changing my mind about my wife being a stay-at-home mom, since she changed the terms?
Speaker 2:Let's get into this. I can relate already.
Speaker 1:I'm a 35-year-old male, and I have been with my wife, allie, who's 37, for two years, married for one, and we're expecting our first child together in a few months. I also have two children, an 8-year boy and a six year old girl, from a previous relationship with Alex, who is 32. And we have 50 50 custody. However, alex travels a lot for work so we have the kids more than more than most of the time. So you know he, the kids are basically in his care so that they get child support from Alex. So he receives the child support. He doesn't pay it, he receives it.
Speaker 1:Before he and Allie got married, he had spoke to Allie extensively about what they wanted and what she wanted, and she was adamant about being a stay at home mom. I was up front with her that I was fine with that. We'd be able to afford it, but she would need to be a stay-at-home mom for all of the kids to be able to make it work. And she agreed happily. So, as you can probably predict, she sat me down the other day and told me that she wants, at minimum her first year as a stay-at-home mom, to only be with the baby that they share. She said that after that she can help out more with the other kids but wants to protect her first time motherhood and said it's her number one boundary.
Speaker 1:I told her that would no longer work. Then I couldn't support the family of five on just my salary without help with all the kids. She said that I needed to figure it out and to respect her boundaries, but this simply won't be possible. We have family to help, for sure, but she's saying she doesn't want to be responsible for the older kids at all for the first year. Also, we want at least one more child, and now I'm worried she'll try to extend the year by having another baby. She's incredibly hurt and angry, but I don't think it would be even possible to respect her boundaries. So would I be the asshole for reneging on my promise to let her be a stay-at-home mom?
Speaker 2:I don't know about this.
Speaker 1:But you get what she's saying, right.
Speaker 3:I get what she's saying.
Speaker 1:I get both sides, I totally get both sides.
Speaker 3:But if you go, back to whatever, the original agreement was the agreement was.
Speaker 1:She came to him and said I want to be a stay-at-home mom and she said he said you can be a stay-at-home mom. I can make that happen, but you are when you're a stay-at-home mom.
Speaker 2:You're a stay-at-home mom to all the kids, because right now she's already partially helping raise the older, but I want to know what, like in my mind, eight and six don't really need much. I mean you have an eight-year-old I mean, but what I'm saying is like they're not going to need 24-hour watching care.
Speaker 3:No, they're not going to need 24-hour watching care. They're not going to be as handsome as a newborn.
Speaker 2:So I'm thinking like how much energy and time do you have to put in? And I'm pretty sure the eight can help with the six yes.
Speaker 1:However, there's still six and eight and then having a newborn in the house, so that would be like the newborn is the problem.
Speaker 1:The newborn is the problem because now just imagine if we just had a newborn she's eight and then we also have my great niece who's four. It wouldn't happen. Okay, somebody leaving, okay Me, but that's what I'm saying. I'm leaving, I would be here and, yes, she's eight, she knows how to make like food. She can basically take care of herself. But then there's a four-year-old or a six-year-old also in the house who still needs tending to watch it. You know what I'm saying, so I do get it.
Speaker 1:However, however, you have been married for almost two years. You marry someone who had children. You have been taking care of these children more than 50% of the time because the mother right, the mother pays you and your husband child support.
Speaker 1:Correct, so that means you're probably doing school drop off, you're probably doing school pickup. You're already in mother, in mother mode, and he said that they have family members. That can't help. But her thing is she don't want to take care of his other two kids period, so she's saying she don't even want them in the house, because if they're in the house I still gotta take care of no baby you gotta go to work the, the hit parent, the mother. She travels too much and that's why she's willing to pay him?
Speaker 2:I didn't even think about that, babe. She's willing to.
Speaker 1:She said that she doesn't want to take care of them at all. Hold up. So do you see why he is saying what he's saying? Because, like he said, that wouldn't financially be possible. Because you want to stay home, so I'm going to have to cover the entire household, plus a newborn, plus daycare. Then we got to get somebody to pick them up, drop them off, they got to be somewhere during the day, and then you want me, after having to provide for the whole house financially. So there's no telling what his work schedule looks like. Then what am I supposed to do with my other kids? Do you expect me to ignore them or do you expect me to just take care of them when I get home from work?
Speaker 1:She expects you to take care of them when you get home from work, when you get home from work because she wants, but on the flip, side on the flip side I get where she's saying she wants the experience of being with her baby. But here's the problem.
Speaker 2:There's so many problems with this right, even if he acquiesced to what she wants, when he comes home and only caters to his two oldest children then she's going to feel some type of way that he's not helping with the newborn.
Speaker 1:You know what that goes back to? That goes back to people who have preferences, who don't date people with children. It makes sense, and that's exactly why it makes sense. That's exactly why, because you have to understand that when you start dating a person who has kids, they had a whole previous life he had a whole previous wife before you and I say that and I always say this.
Speaker 2:I have, maybe I think two or three friends have married women with children. I say you are a great man, well be because you you are, you have because that woman comes with her children right, and if you're not willing to accept them, as if?
Speaker 1:they are your children. Comes with his children.
Speaker 2:Yeah, if you're not willing to like change the if they are your children or that man comes with his children, yeah.
Speaker 1:If you're not willing to like change the mindset and be like oh, I have a child now, yeah, and you're willing to like change your schedule, like be there for their schedule, if you're not willing to fully submerge yourself into being in that child's life, and especially if you married their parent.
Speaker 2:But on the flip side what?
Speaker 1:is he supposed to do? Baby, you can't stay home.
Speaker 2:Another part of this is I also feel like the kids might also start feeling left out.
Speaker 1:Maurice, okay, you go from dad remarried. I've been practically living with dad for both years of his marriage, or the one year of his marriage. She's been nice to us, she's been the perfect stepmom. Now, all of a sudden, she gives birth to dad and her child. And now, all of a sudden, we're chopped liver, we're Cinderella.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we're chopped liver, we just don't matter as much we wearing rags and cleaning floors.
Speaker 1:But the thing is, I can also understand what she's saying about, like having that time with just her baby and only focusing on her and her.
Speaker 3:I get it.
Speaker 1:But you chose to date someone who is.
Speaker 2:It's a tough situation, but I'm going to say he's not the asshole, because you had an agreement before, before this.
Speaker 1:Yeah, ok, before um, before this yeah, that's what I'm gonna say um, okay, so let's see. The next one is actually from um no, I didn't take a screenshot, I just go straight to it. Okay, so the next one is from a listener okay, yeah, yes who would like to rename, rename, rename, remain anonymous, and that's fine.
Speaker 1:So, guys, when you write into us and you want us to like read your story, please let us know if you would like to remain anonymous or not. Um, she said she wanted to remain anonymous, so she will remain anonymous, but as you guys start to like email us and write into us, which we really do appreciate, we love that y'all want us to read y'all stories, kudos, just let us know if you want to be anonymous or not. Okay, so this is from an anonymous follower. She said am I the asshole for not wanting to invite my father's wife that I have no relationship with to my baby shower? I'm currently pregnant and I decided to tell my dad that his wife is not invited to my baby shower. I'm currently pregnant and I decided to tell my dad that his wife is not invited to my baby shower.
Speaker 1:My dad has been married to his wife for 20 plus years and we never had a good relationship. Since I was a child, even my father and I have had a rocky relationship, I feel due to his marriage to his wife. Now that I'm older, I just want my father and I have been cordial to a cordial level relationship, especially since this will be the his first grandchild. I informed my father that I don't think it's best for his wife to be present due to us not having a relationship at all. His wife and I even work at the same hospital and we've seen each other a couple of times and neither of us have spoke. I told him that I feel she will keep the same energy at my baby shower and will not speak to me. He informed me that she will and that she will even be cordial. I told him I highly doubt it because of our history His wife has always been hot and cold with me, but mostly cold.
Speaker 1:He told me there might be some uncomfortableness and I informed him that I don't want that energy at my baby shower. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable my father, my mother or myself? My father then said well, you know my wife and your mother had had issues in the past, but my mother saw them both at the grocery store and greeted not just my father but his wife as well, and once again she did not speak. I'm almost 30 years old and I feel that his wife is still holding on to things that happened between them three when I was younger, my father and mom get along with no issues. I just also think it's strange that she will even want to go to my baby shower when she has no relationship with me whatsoever. But am I the asshole? Not at all, I don't think so.
Speaker 2:No, look here you tell that old way, that's still his wife you tell that lady that uh keep her attitude somewhere else but here's the thing it sounds like she jealous of your mama she.
Speaker 1:Okay, I think, let me get it off. I was gonna be nice, I was gonna be nice it's not to me.
Speaker 2:It's not like she, just your mom.
Speaker 1:They've been married over 20 years it sound like.
Speaker 2:I now granted, I don't have the details, I don't know how y'all parent, how your parents split up, but it sound like, since they still cordial because I have a friend oh my gosh, I have a here we go.
Speaker 1:Where uh her her?
Speaker 3:ex-husband were always friendly and she was.
Speaker 2:That's my ex-husband were always friendly and she was like that's my ex-husband. I said that's your husband. Y'all just got paperwork that say y'all ain't together no more. And we know that's your husband. I can't, because when he come calling you, answer that phone.
Speaker 1:Well, that's Anyway. Anyway, they've been married 20 plus years.
Speaker 1:She jealous of your mom, mom I wouldn't say she's jealous of your mama I wouldn't say that she's jealous, but what I will say is that sometimes, when people have not communicated for long periods of time, they are probably in a situation where it just it may be a little bit uncomfortableness because they don't know how you're going to receive if they decide to start trying to be involved, if that makes sense, like maybe she wants to talk to her, maybe she wants to have a relationship with her, but she doesn't know how it's going to be received, because she's been cold to your perception and you've been cold to her perception, so she doesn't know who should break the ice.
Speaker 2:My belief is that she's only Her being cold is who she is, and she's only trying to be warm when her father has said something. And now, since her father probably wants her, but she doesn't have a relationship with her father, she.
Speaker 1:She wants. She hasn't had a relationship with her father, but now she's no what I'm saying is I'm talking about the father's wife.
Speaker 2:Okay, right, the father's wife, the father to come around. Right and she wants her daughter or her son to be a part of his life, and he probably knows that if my daughter got a problem with you, it's going to be a problem with my grandbaby being around, because my daughter ain't going to want my grandbaby around you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because if she doesn't even want to be around you, she ain't going to let my grandchild be around you either.
Speaker 2:So he trying to a baby shower Shoot. I'll cut my own mom off in a second. Okay, Maybe he's not the person to ask.
Speaker 1:Shit.
Speaker 2:Maybe he's not the one to ask. My stance on everything is do what gives you peace. You telling her she cannot be there does not, that's not gonna, I mean, and it's one day. First of all, you're the one that's with child. Your peace matters the most, right.
Speaker 1:Because your peace directly reflects the child's piece.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so if her being there is going to upset you in any way, yeah, then it's probably going to be a no, you need to be 300 miles away.
Speaker 3:Bye, not 300. That's quite a bit, but okay, yeah, I said what I said. Okay, you said what he said. I said what I said okay, you said what he said.
Speaker 2:I want to say some other stuff, but I won't say it okay this has been another episode of Life After I Do podcast.
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