Life After I Do Podcast
Marriage and relationships can be tough. You may feel like you’re the only one struggling but you’re not. Life After I do is a weekly podcast where Morice and Kynesha, a black married millennial couple, share their experiences and advice on everything from kids and family to intimacy and connection. Noting is off limits.
In their 21 years together and 7 years of marriage, Morice and Kynesha have learned a lot about what it takes to make a relationship work. They know the importance of communication, trust and commitment. They also know it’s okay to not have it all figured out.
Join them every Wednesday as they talk about their own journey of “Life After I do”.
Life After I Do Podcast
Marriage Without Mirrors: Why Accountability is Non-Negotiable!
What if the real breakthrough in your relationship doesn’t come from proving your partner wrong—but from holding yourself accountable first?
In this vulnerable and eye-opening episode of Life After I Do, we unpack the true power of accountability in marriage—not as weakness, but as the starting point for deep healing, trust, and reconnection. 💬
✨ “It was me. I messed up.”
These five words can change the entire direction of your relationship. We share real stories from our own marriage, showing how owning your emotional triggers creates space for honest communication, empathy, and growth. This isn’t just talk—it’s lived experience.
🔄 We break down:
- Why the “tit-for-tat” mindset keeps couples stuck
- How to respond when your partner can only give 30%
- The difference between blame and true responsibility
- Why accountability leads to emotional safety—not control
If you've ever felt misunderstood, stuck in cycles of resentment, or like you're carrying more than your fair share—this episode is for you.
It was me I fucked up. The reason why this didn't work out is because I didn't hold up my end of the bargain. The reason why this didn't work out is because I wasn't the best possible person that I could be in the situation. And now that I know I wasn't the best possible person I could be in the situation, this is how I plan on moving forward.
Speaker 1:This is how I plan on being a better person. Hey everybody, and welcome back to another weekly episode of the Life. After I Do podcast. You're here today with me, as always, nisha G, my lovely, plus one who's stretching his vocal cords this lovely evening for you.
Speaker 2:I'm like sexual chocolate, that boy good.
Speaker 1:Really.
Speaker 2:Good and terrible.
Speaker 1:Good and terrible.
Speaker 2:Good and terrible I believe the children are our future. Thank you, treat them well and let them lead the way.
Speaker 1:Thank you, thank you six chocolate, six chocolate. Everybody. I'll be here all week. Bye, hi babe. Hey booskis, how you doing? I'm good, how are you? I'm tired and in love. Yeah, I have to concur with that we've been lifing. We have, we have.
Speaker 2:Look here. I don't know who decided to have us be booked like this, but it's exhausting, it's just life.
Speaker 1:And it's because summer is coming up. So you know, we also intentionally book things for ourselves because we have the little one.
Speaker 2:That's life.
Speaker 1:If it were up to us, we would be in the bed Always. We would go out, do our thing during the day, whatever. Come back home.
Speaker 2:About 5.30. Yeah, and just relax by 5.30,. We'd be in the bed with dinner watching a movie.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, that sounds so amazing. Right Dinner in bed sounds good.
Speaker 2:Right, we leave the nightlife for the young ones.
Speaker 1:We should schedule a dinner date, but at home with takeout.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And it should be from. No, not schmuck. You don't want smack noodles, no, I want Like. When I think of takeout, I immediately think of Bryce and Spice, or my other one. What Of Alessandro Orange Chicken?
Speaker 2:Oh, Grandpa.
Speaker 1:Grandpa, oh my, oh, my gosh, can we do that? Can we like plan that?
Speaker 2:We're going to do it soon because we have to plan it ahead. She's going to be out of school and it's going to be terrible. I know we have.
Speaker 1:I know we have to plan that ahead, so that's what we're going to do, that we're going to plan a date night. I want a date night at home, in bed, with takeout and a fun movie, with our door closed. Just us and cheeks. That that's all I want. Yeah, see, like I feel like I don't get credit enough for taking it easy, here we go, it's the simple things that bring me joy Really.
Speaker 2:OK, how was your week?
Speaker 1:my week was really good. It was good we celebrated grandma v's 89th birthday. That was really fun um. Happy birthday, grandma v happy birthday, grandma happy birthday, grandma.
Speaker 1:I think she enjoyed. I. I love to see that when you're especially like I mean, even now I love being around family, but I think as you get into like your later years, that's really that really just genuinely brings you simple, pure joy, just to be surrounded by your loved ones. She was like I just want to watch y'all that, and that's what. Yeah, that's what she said, that's what she said I'm just looking at y'all like that's and that's, but that brought her joy.
Speaker 2:I'm just looking at folks yeah, but like that's and that's, but that brought her joy.
Speaker 1:I'm just looking at folks yeah, but that brought her joy, like when she was talking about with Auntie Lisa and when they, when she was talking about how they took the kids to Universal Studios and she was on her little cart and stuff, and she said I just had such a good time just watching them have fun, like, think about I'm not there yet, I know, but but that's what I'm saying and that that goes into like the different phases of life. So this just brought up something else for me, because my nephew he's going into his first stage of, like independence.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:So he's going to be leaving for college and stuff, and so we were talking and I was asking him I was like, are you excited? Are you nervous, like what? And he was like honestly, he was like I'm a little nervous and I was like why he was like he was like I'm a little nervous and I was like why?
Speaker 1:And he was like he was like because, like, like, I'm on my own and I was like I know I said the great part about it is is that no one is going to be there to tell you what to do and what your next step should be, and the worst part about it is that no one's there to tell you what to do and what your next step is. Right, I said, but this is one of one of the most exciting parts in your life. Like each stage comes with a new experience.
Speaker 2:You were figuring out who you were in high school. Oh right, you finally get into it now.
Speaker 1:And then in your twenties, like you, you really think that you're so. You're so, like, fast forwarded, that you, you're the one that has been granted the, the, the feeling and know-how of everything. And you know that you, you're the one that has been granted the, the, the feeling and know how of everything, and you know, and you're going off of feelings, which is great. But I was trying to explain to him, like we had that whole conversation about him going off to college, being independent, being responsible, whatever. And then when we went to his graduation dinner, we were just talking about, like, the different stages of life, like your 20s, your 30s, your 40s, and I was telling him, going into my 30s, I was super excited, like I want it to be in my 30s, like so bad. And he was looking at me. He was like what, like why? He was like, why do you want to get older? Like, why is that something? It's something that's something you don't understand until you're older that's literally what I was trying to explain to him.
Speaker 1:I was like, when people try to have these conversations with me, damarié, it's hard for you to understand that, because you haven't been in life long enough to have some real experiences that really shape who you are. I said, everything that's going to go on in your 20s is shaping you, but then it's going to give you, like this, different perspective going into your 30s.
Speaker 2:And then all the shit that's going to happen to you in your 30s is going to give you this different perspective going into your 40s and I guarantee you most of the shit you cared about in your 20s you ain't going to give a damn about in your 30s.
Speaker 1:That's literally what I told him. I said the things that were so important to me that I would die on a hill on in my 20s and how I figured and like how I said what my life would look like, what I was going to accomplish by 28, what I was going to be when I'm 30. I was like it all went out the window. I said, but now, as I'm like approaching my 40s, I was like I feel I'm starting to get that, that feeling that I got at the end of my 20s going to my 30s, going into my 40s.
Speaker 1:And the reason the reason why is because now, going into my 40s, I feel as though I'm able to better put certain things into perspective. I am able to kind of like look at myself and my habits and things that are important to me and I'm starting to let go of versions of me that I thought is what I wanted to be, and being honest with myself and being like boo, that was the idea you had of yourself, and you had that idea because what you thought it would look like and how that would translate to how people thought about you. Does that make sense?
Speaker 2:And now.
Speaker 1:I'm getting to a point where I'm just like you can either take it or leave it, it doesn't really matter. I'm not going to try to shape myself to be something you accept. I'm just like. You can either take it or leave it, it doesn't really matter. I'm not going to try to shape myself to be something you accept. I'm going to shape myself to enjoy whatever time I have left here.
Speaker 2:Let me interject with this. You are also bringing back parts of you.
Speaker 1:That I really enjoyed.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yes, that I really enjoyed. Yeah, because you've been. My baby's been getting it in the gym. She's been getting it in the gym. She's been getting it in. Yeah, right, and that ass is coming back. Goodbye With a bitch. I mean it never left, but now it was getting more shape, yeah, and I'm like but that's what I was trying to really explain to him.
Speaker 1:Like you get to a point and you made me think about that comedian I can't remember the comedian name, but they were talking about as you get older and especially when you start going into your 40s and 50s and 60s, you start your bucket of fuck it. She was like your bucket of fucks, like eventually you run out of them. And she was like and one day you wake up and you look in the bucket and there's no more fucks to give.
Speaker 2:And it's gone.
Speaker 1:And when she was like, and let me tell you how freeing that is when you look at that.
Speaker 2:I'm almost there when you look at that bucket. And ain't no more fucks to give, she said. And that's when life really starts. The. The fact that my actions impact my family, yeah, is really what keeps me in line that's what keeps you grounded because, that's what grounds you. Because if the consequences wouldn't include y'all, my bucket would have been empty, okay.
Speaker 1:You would have just picked up the bucket, emptied it out and then started life. You know what I'm saying? No, you're supposed to like gradually give them out.
Speaker 2:You're supposed to. I gave most mine out in my 20s. They gone now. The stock is low. Limited supply.
Speaker 1:Limited supply.
Speaker 2:Limited supply.
Speaker 1:Well, I mean, there might be some on sale, you could.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:You don't. I have nowhere fucks to give guys.
Speaker 2:Apparently the only thing on sale out here is Audacity, Audacity.
Speaker 1:Audacity is like. It's like 99.99% off Right and people have been buying it in bulk.
Speaker 2:That was it, People have been buying Audacity in bulk. Once again, she always extends her week, so I keep it short.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:Molly's was cool. Okay, tiring Grind. By the time you guys hear this, I am celebrating 200 episodes of my other podcast.
Speaker 1:The Heavyweight Podcast.
Speaker 2:So shout out to my other crew my boy McFly, son McFly, my boy Kevin Wendell, aka Fictitious, and my girl Des the Diva, Congratulations 200 in. I don't know how we do it without choking each other out.
Speaker 1:I don't know how you do it. I don't know. I want to take a moment to shout out my husband no, don't do that. Yep, I'm going to do it. I want to take a moment to shout out my husband, because I don't think y'all really understand the amount of work my husband may be putting into two podcasts. He's a double podcaster. Okay, so he does two podcasts.
Speaker 2:Our podcast. I might be the heavyweight podcast. I might be a triple podcaster.
Speaker 1:Oh gosh, he works out on his schedule continuously, five days a week. I ain't got no free time. He works full time. I'm not talking just 40 hours a week, I'm talking plus plus. Takes care of a family full time, has time to love me, love his kid, and every once in a while he'll every once in a while he'll load the dishwasher as well, right?
Speaker 1:So I don't think every once in a while every once in a while big on the once in a while he will load the dishwasher as well, and that's really big and he's also hold on and he's also, for the past month, being taking care of our meal prep.
Speaker 2:So I'm just just saying. I'm just saying look, I don't need my dms flooded listen, I may be maybe a tad bit spoiled.
Speaker 1:Just a little bit. You are just a little bit speaking of kids.
Speaker 2:I was talking to my own old man in the gym, your old man in the gym, right, because I, because I air to myself say, man, when you want to tell me the secret, I had to look this good at your age, because he's 57. He a swole 57. He was like I got a little, and today he was like I still got a little abs too, and he was like he's. I'm going to tell you the same thing. He said when I was about 24, he said I walked into the gym. He said there's a guy named Charles. He said, man, I got to ask you, what do you do? He said let me tell you something, youngsters, he said just do something every day, every day. He said I don't care if it's you walking or just doing your job, do something every day.
Speaker 2:He said when you get 57, you look like this. I said well, it worked.
Speaker 1:If you're 57, you swole, you swole active. You have to stay moving, like that's what my granny used to say you got, you have to move if you don't move, oh, you setting yourself up and also speaking of kids y'all, yeah boy I got baby fever.
Speaker 2:It's back. It's back with a vengeance.
Speaker 1:It comes in waves, so we just have to wait for this wave to pass. We just have to wait for this wave to leave his body. That's all guys, don't worry. It's all guys, don't worry. It's back on adventure, don't worry I don't know. There's something in the air, because here's the thing, here he goes.
Speaker 2:I look at my daughter and I'm like, oh my God, my baby, not my baby. In my mind I'm like in a couple years she's going to be a goddamn preteen, yeah, and I'm not going to have my baby. I need a baby.
Speaker 1:That's not a reason to have a baby.
Speaker 2:I need a baby.
Speaker 1:Now, if you would have came with a better reason than that, that would have been great.
Speaker 2:I didn't think it would bother me as much. But now I really do want a son. Now, I know it's a 50-50 chance. I was going to say there one. I know it's a 50, but even if it's a girl, I'm gonna just raise her like a boy.
Speaker 1:That's how I figured okay, that's be tough on her. Okay, that I don't. Okay, I have so many different questions. I have so many different questions about that I'm gonna.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna let her like be with you, but not like be with you. Oh, like I'm like no, we've, no, we come on, get this trash absolutely not. Come on, we're gonna we're gonna go, absolutely not.
Speaker 1:You're not gonna have my baby girls out here. Come on, get this trash. Absolutely not Come on.
Speaker 2:We finna go, absolutely not.
Speaker 1:We finna go hit these weights, you're not finna have my baby girls out here empty in trash cans.
Speaker 2:It don't even matter, because you know what I was telling the guy in the gym today. I was like it don't matter. I said because my daughter can't wait till she's 13. Because she's saying when she's 13, she in this gym, she, she in this gym. She said she don't understand why the gym is hating on her. Right, she can't be in here today Because she really wants to go she really wants to go.
Speaker 1:But that's why I told you I think I'm just going to start buying little by little stuff for just the corner of the garage and then that way we can have, you know, like because she really wants to deadlift.
Speaker 2:I am. Yeah, okay, I'm going to hold you accountable. Oh, See what I did there? Yo, I really should be a host because I've been doing the ho. I said the host. Oh, we already have one ho in this house and it's you.
Speaker 1:I was like wait a minute sir.
Speaker 2:You want to be a host so bad.
Speaker 1:Sir.
Speaker 2:Big bro.
Speaker 1:Sir, thank you. Thank you for addressing me as such. Big bro want to be a hoe. I appreciate it. It just does something to my spirit. Hold on, y'all it just does something to my spirit when you approach me by my AKA.
Speaker 2:Look here. So I've been trying to play basketball again, and every time I play- basketball your right knee be like psych basketball again, and every time I play basketball, your right knee be like psych my body.
Speaker 1:Let me know that my age I'm like. Oh my god, that's why you gotta keep doing it. I'm gonna keep doing it, you gotta keep doing it they got it, you know.
Speaker 2:You know, the guy in the gym always does a jump rope uh-huh. I asked him. So I said man, are you a box? He's like no, I don't box. He said he's about to be 40. I ain't trying to get hit, wait.
Speaker 1:That just reminded me, uh, of me and my sister were talking about, because she was telling me about some of the people at her job and about how they were. Two people at her job was like getting into it, two girls, right. And the girl was like, oh, like, meet me outside. And they wanted to fight. And I told her, at our big grown age, I ain't fighting nobody. First of all, I'm not fighting anybody. Second of all, I'm not fighting anybody. Second of all, you touch me, you're going to jail. I'm calling the cops. You are going to jail ma'am. Okay, I am not going to be out here.
Speaker 1:I'm going to defend myself, don't get me wrong, but I'm not going to be out here at this big old, grown age, talking about meet me outside in the parking lot. How about that? Absolutely, not, absolutely.
Speaker 2:Your ass is going to jail what we got today.
Speaker 1:Because my knees hurt right now. I'm sorry. You want to switch? You want to borrow one of mine? You don't really know, I know I was, but I mean, I have one that's better than the other.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I know so you know together what we got today Together. We could have two get out too good.
Speaker 1:We're gonna be talking about accountability nope, I'm out.
Speaker 2:You're so lame.
Speaker 1:Um, yes, but I got accountability accountability in marriage, accountability in your partner, accountability in yourself. I think it's uh, really important. Um, I feel as though what was he? Taking my hand? Wait, because I can hear that, you can hear what. Oh, me touching the really important. I feel as though what Was he?
Speaker 2:taking my hand. Wait, because I can hear that.
Speaker 1:You can hear what? Oh me touching the mic here. Okay, I'll put my hands right here.
Speaker 2:Sorry, I swear y'all she be trying me. I almost cussed, I almost cussed, come on, come on now Before.
Speaker 1:I walk away. Yes, so accountability in your partner, accountability in your marriage and accountability account-a-bittle, accountability In what In self, in self-right.
Speaker 2:Yes, that you don't take. I'm happy we hear that.
Speaker 1:Please elaborate.
Speaker 2:No, go ahead, Keep your intro.
Speaker 1:We gonna get into it. Well, apparently this has been a hot topic for you because you've been on social media making your personal clips about accountability and people not holding themselves accountable because I'm tired of it. Okay. So what? What triggered you?
Speaker 2:because I'm tired of people not taking accountability for their part. Like I say, whether you like the outcome or not, you pay to play the role, so you can't. You can only pass so much blame off, right you play the role right now. You know your part may have not had been in this current day when it comes to relationships, but you play the role in the past that allow the person to be comfortable to do the act the way they act, okay, or for whatever happened to transpire transpire you got to take accountability Right.
Speaker 1:So it's like a self-reflection thing, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm at the age now where I ain't got time to have no secret grudges.
Speaker 1:Yeah, hold have no, look, I'm going to tell you straightforward, like Monty yesterday with that text message she was trying to figure out a nice way to tell people to not come, because it was getting late and we were all about to leave, and so she was like how does this sound? How does this sound? But then, at the heart of it, she was like I'm not gonna do all this, I'm gonna just tell them don't come because y'all leave, that's it.
Speaker 2:She was like I don't have time for this and and I will say, like the one thing, the probably the biggest part of therapy that I've taken away, yeah, is that the accountability had to start with me absolutely so now that I start taking accountability for my actions and what I say. I'm heavy on nigga.
Speaker 1:If I'm doing it, you about to do it too, yeah but I think it also motivates the people that are directly in your circle, right because it kind of forces them to start doing their own self-reflection, do it and to kind of pick you know, you know how they say, you are the people you hang around, right? So if you have somebody who is being self-reflective, somebody who is not ashamed or afraid to say listen, it was me, I fucked up. The reason why this didn't work out is because I didn't hold up my end of the bargain. The reason why this didn't work out is because I wasn't the best possible person that I could be in the situation. And now that I know I wasn't the best possible person I could be in the situation, this is how I plan on moving forward.
Speaker 1:This is how I plan on being a better person. And when you have people who are in your immediate, you know circle and they see that you're setting up the model right, and then you're also letting people know on front street that you also don't tolerate I'm not tolerating, you don't tolerate behavior that's outside of that Right.
Speaker 2:You know what I'm saying and that's another thing why, if I have something to explain, I'm not going to text it to you, right? I'm going to call you, right.
Speaker 1:Because there's not going to be any miscommunication about something being taken out of context or the way it sounded.
Speaker 2:You're not going to read it with your attitude.
Speaker 1:When it wasn't with my attitude.
Speaker 2:And apply it to me, right? So I'm going to go ahead and call you and tell you.
Speaker 1:You're going to hear all the tones in my voice Right, and then you'll be able to make it Right.
Speaker 2:And then assess the situation.
Speaker 1:And then assess the situation.
Speaker 2:And then I've gotten to the point to where, if what I say, whether it piss you off or not, right, say whether it pissed you off or not. Right, I said it. I said it, I'm at peace. Yeah, all I can control is how I'm going to react to your reaction.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, because I don't get to tell you how to feel and I don't get to tell you how you should have taken it. I'm just here to tell you that this is All I can tell.
Speaker 2:you is how I meant it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so you're basically like I'm just acknowledging my emotional needs.
Speaker 2:I'm letting you know I'm gonna let you know, like like today, like today, for instance, earlier I acknowledged what you said. That's not how I meant it.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:I acknowledge it Right. That's how, and then so.
Speaker 1:And then I told you, just so you know, this is how I heard it.
Speaker 1:And I'm and I said, I acknowledged that, yeah, but that's not what I meant, that's not what I meant, right, right, and I think that was. I mean, that was a perfect example. Um, the the. The example was today, when we were getting ready, for you know, to record for the podcast.
Speaker 1:Um, he had came home and I was just now, like you know, getting myself together and he made a statement. He was like I thought he was like, oh man, well, I thought you would be further along than you are now, and so I stopped and I was like I said, now, let me ask you a question. And he was like what I said, what purpose did that statement serve? Because I can tell you how I just internalized that. I can tell you what my ears are like, the undertone of that, when my ears are picking up. And then you proceeded to say, yeah, but that's not what, that's not how I meant it. I was just making a statement of. I just thought that you would be further along and I like I explained to you, but from my perspective, what I'm hearing is what were you doing this whole time?
Speaker 1:So now, what were you doing this whole time? So now that we got you on and that was, and but that's a hold on. But I I say that because when I think about my response and saying that to you in my head, I try to be accountable and I'm like why, what about me? Made me feel like, okay, that's what he was and the thing about it is is like were you time, could you have managed your time better?
Speaker 2:Should you have been further along. No, you didn't.
Speaker 1:Ok, you know what I'm saying, but that's how you took it.
Speaker 1:But that's how I took it. But I took it that way because of something in you, in me, ok, and that's the, that's the whole idea. And point around today's topic, accountability. That's where the accountability comes from, because when he made the statement, immediately, on some level, I felt defensive. I felt like he was trying to throw a sneak attack or he was trying to, like you know, say something without saying it, and so I had to think to myself what, what is it about me, my thinking brain, my thinking heart, about the statement that you made? And you didn't come in with an attitude, you didn't say it, like you know, like, oh well, I guess you're not further along.
Speaker 2:And I thought you, it was nothing like that he literally just made the statement.
Speaker 1:I just thought you'd be further, you know, further along, and immediately my brain was like attack, defend, attack, defend.
Speaker 2:you know, and so I'm just like what was the purpose that the statement served? Because I felt like I was in a safe place. I was talking to my person and I could just relate. I could relate my feeling in the moment. I, just I, I just walked in the house with the assumption that I'd be like, okay, let me hurry up because she'd been on it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because I hadn't sent you the outline and yeah.
Speaker 2:So I was like, okay, let me get to it. And then when I saw what I saw, okay, well, based on prior information that I had, I just thought I was assuming that I would be the one rushing Right, yeah, and that's all I did.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, and that's all right and and that's.
Speaker 1:But that's why it was like, but that's why I I can appreciate that we can still have that type of dialogue, because that could have easily like it could have been a whole argument, it could have been a whole argument, just me replying with what was the purpose of you saying that statement and then him getting an attitude and then me getting an attitude, that he's getting an attitude, because I'm like, oh, so now I can't say how I feel you came in and stated how you it could have went completely left. So I do want to like, I want to acknowledge and appreciate the fact that we have, that we were able to go through that little you know, and like, work it out.
Speaker 2:Say thank you to Dr Williams. My therapist has been working on me, okay, bye. So since we are talking about comedy, you know, give us some talking points from a woman's perspective.
Speaker 1:Okay, so I can't say female.
Speaker 2:You know, y'all don't like saying, but y'all female.
Speaker 1:That's side note, I gotta say. We were walking into Target and he goes if I was somebody you didn't know? And I said, what were you saying Like? And I, and I acknowledged you as oh, this female over here. He was like, would you be offended? And I was like, absolutely. And he was like, why you are a female? I said, but it's the way in which you say it, like, don't you refer to me as like, like, don't, don't do that.
Speaker 1:Like, oh, this female over here, like I'm nothing, like, just this woman so he was like but if I said you know this woman, I was like, absolutely I'd be, I'd be okay with that.
Speaker 2:Okay, because that sounds and then what I say after that that sounds softer than what I said. What'd you say? Not this female walking to target?
Speaker 1:such a butthole? Um, yeah, so when we talk about accountability, first thing that comes to mind is acknowledging your emotional needs. Ok, you have to own your own feelings before you can expect your partner to understand them, ok, so again, the example that we gave earlier about the interaction that you and I had I had to really think about. What was it about myself that made me feel like you were trying to sneak attack me with that statement, you know? And then when I thought about it, that's when I started thinking to myself about my own self-reflection and trying to hold myself accountable.
Speaker 1:About my own self-reflection and trying to hold myself accountable, did I manage my time, you know, as best as I could, between the time that I texted you, like the outline and everything that we were going to do? Did I maximize all what I was trying like? You know what I mean like or was I just scrolling right? Was, uh, as the old people would say, pussyfooting around? Oh, not that pussyfoot. Was I pussyfooting around? And if I had to admit it, you was, I was scrolling, I was on youtube. I had. You know, I'd be moving slow sometimes if you don't put an actual time limit on it for me, so we're moving slow.
Speaker 1:So what are you talking about? No, because I'll be giving her time limits. When I'm on time limits, I get a shit done, but don't, don't come for me. See, now you're coming for me again. Now you're coming for me again. Okay, I gotta talk to the therapist about why I feel so defensive sometimes. You really do, because you be coming for me and I feel like I have to. You need to work on yourself. Shut up. You need to work on yourself, stop okay. So, um, owning how you feel before you can expect your partner to understand. But that goes both ways.
Speaker 2:I feel like all these points go both ways.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Because I understand now that it is not good for me to talk to you when I'm angry.
Speaker 1:Correct, because Nor is it good for me to listen to you when you're angry.
Speaker 2:Because it's not.
Speaker 1:It's going to be some love in there, it's going to be hard for me to fish it out, right.
Speaker 2:And it's going to be hard for me to put the love on top of the anger.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because. And then my defensiveness combined with that, and now you being defensive.
Speaker 2:Now I'm being defensive.
Speaker 1:and now ain't nothing getting solved, and we all know how I behave when I feel like I'm being attacked. Right, Don't make.
Speaker 2:don't make me feel like I'm being attacked because I only, I only know how to cut that's what I said Like a toddler with a pair of scissors.
Speaker 1:I only, and I listen and again, self-reflection, guys. That's why I always say you know how some people say um, a, a woman, a woman's words can break or make a man. I, I fully, I fully believe that. And I and I fully believe that because I know, like I said, sometimes when I feel like I'm being attacked or I feel like you really trying to come for me, I don't have an in-between, you don't, I don't, I don't, I know, I don't savage, I like he said a toddler with scissors who's ready to cut, that's it. I only know, and I'm a piece of paper, I only know how to make you feel worse than what I just perceived. You made me feel and you're not gonna like it, right? You're not, because sometimes he'll look at me like you did not just see and I'm like, okay, I'm sorry, that was maybe a little too much.
Speaker 2:Also a part of that and the flip side of that is is that on my side I have to own the emotional impact that I had on the situation Right.
Speaker 2:So, even if my intention wasn't to be mean or wasn't to hurt you, I have to acknowledge the fact that you were hurting that moment, right. Even if I feel like you shouldn't be, it doesn't. It doesn't change the fact that you are yeah. So I have to acknowledge that because, whether it was intentional or not, I am accountable for that Right Because my actions or my words led to that. And I feel like that's the hard part about accountability. People to get around like well, why am I accountable for how she feels? It's because of how you, because because of how I portrayed it, made me feel this way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you know what you're doing when you say certain things. Sometimes, no, no, most people, most people know the emotion they're trying to inflict when saying things Right, and I mean in a lot of times in relationships.
Speaker 2:You know there's certain topics that you really got to pussyfoot around. Shut up, baby. You can't go full force and just be like blatantly honest or not, you'd be honest, but it's, it's a way you gotta.
Speaker 1:Sometimes you gotta lead with the honey and not the shit so you mean you get what you attract, more bees with honey than you do shit. Yeah, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:Sometimes you got. Sometimes you gotta drizzle the honey and don't just come in with the shit, because you know I'm with the shits, yeah, but sometimes I got to put the shit up, yeah.
Speaker 1:Cause some people want to just shit on you and then walk away and then be like okay, now you deal with it and then when they walk away, there is no accountability because in their mind and I know, because you know this Um, that's how I feel, those are my feelings and that's. That's fine. Your feelings are valid. That doesn't mean you get disrespectful and this is coming from somebody who has had to make many apologies on being disrespectful because there is also a way to argue, like there is a way to have a disagreement, and it doesn't have to be with us name calling or being disrespectful to one another. There is a respectful way that you can have an argument or a disagreement with your partner and also still hold yourself accountable for the part that you played, because it's not just one sided and you can't always come from the perspective of I would be better if you did this, and I think that's what happens with a lot of people.
Speaker 1:They look at what they do and they're like oh you know what? Like, what is it about me that you can complain about? You can't complain about it because I do this, I do that, I do this, I do that and you don't do any of this. And then you have the nerves to complain about me.
Speaker 2:For us. I feel like the biggest change in our dynamic, especially when it comes to accountability, is when I change my thought process from why are you not responding or doing what I need you to do to how can I get you to respond?
Speaker 1:Yeah, but the only controlling factors in. That is you Right. So that's only you.
Speaker 2:I narrowed it down to, like you were saying, I'm not communicating properly enough. I'm not See, I'm putting the blame on me.
Speaker 1:I'm not, I'm not See, I'm putting the blame on me.
Speaker 2:See, I'm trying to be accountable. I'm not communicating properly enough to get you to move or get you to do the things that.
Speaker 1:I need you to do Right.
Speaker 2:And what I learned is that a lot of times, like you know, when you wouldn't do certain things, I just wouldn't say anything, that I would go do myself, right, and that wasn't beneficial or that wasn't helping none of us, because you can't, we.
Speaker 1:The issue can't be addressed if it's not being spoken right, and then if I don't know, that's an issue for you. I'm gonna go about business as usual, right? So if you want to keep putting gas in the car, I will not argue about that, I'm going.
Speaker 1:I am going back to gas in the car I am going to continue to let you put gas in the car and I will ignore. Okay, you know what I'm saying. Like I'm saying sorry, yeah, so, um, that, yes, that's the uh self, that's the self-awareness and self-accountability. Another thing I think was, uh, a lot of people probably don't understand or realize is when you get into the headspace of trying to blame the other person for why you behave a certain way. Something that was always taught to me was the lack that you see in others, right? So, like, if there's something in you that I am not happy about and I feel like it's a lack or a negative, the only reason I'm able to see that is because it's a mirror that's reflected back in me. So, somewhere in my life and it doesn't have to be along the same lines of where I see the lack in you, but somewhere in my life I'm feeling that about myself and that's why I'm able to recognize it in you, right?
Speaker 2:But instead of me thinking about it in that terms in my mind, I'm only thinking well, I would be better and I would do this if you were better, right, right, but that, but, but again. That's why I always say, like I, like a close friend of mine, I told him recently, I said You're, you're going to be so much farther alone where you want to be in life, once you start to realize that the tit for tat really don't work.
Speaker 1:Rather alone where you want to be in life, once you start to realize that the tit for tat really don't work.
Speaker 2:It doesn't work and it just pisses you off, because your tit for tatting and nothing's improving, nothing's being solved and you're just constantly in a revolving phase of I'm not doing this because you're not doing this Because you don't do that, and because you did that, I'm going to do this, and then what's the point At that point? What's the point? You're purposely driving the wedge between you two wider and wider.
Speaker 1:Because you're also not taking into consideration how the other person might be feeling too. Because what happens if you're both feeling the same way? Nothing's going to get done.
Speaker 2:But here's the thing and here's what I realized. This is my personal thought. I feel like a lot of people lack the willingness to take accountability, because they have to be, because it has to be taken first by them.
Speaker 1:Right, oh right. Before you can hold other people accountable, Before you can hold other people accountable.
Speaker 2:Yeah, which means that you have to accept the fact that it's a possibility. Just possibly you're wrong, that you're the problem. You're wrong, you're the problem. Yeah Right.
Speaker 1:And wrong that you're the problem. You're, you're wrong you're the problem?
Speaker 2:yeah right, and that's. That's a hard pill to swallow, that's a hard pill to swallow, especially when you set yourself up here, right?
Speaker 1:right, you set yourself up here as the person who.
Speaker 2:I don't understand what you could complain about, because I'm great I'm perfect, I'm perfect, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing x, I'm doing a, b and c.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I need you to do I'm doing all the things that I expect for you to want me to do right, but that goes back to, but you are assuming that's what I want from you that that goes, that goes back to I don't know how many episodes it goes, where it goes. Um, you have to love people in the way they perceive love. Yeah right, you can't just say, well, I did, this is how I perceive love, so this is what I'm.
Speaker 2:No, but that's not, you know I'm saying I, I bought you flowers on Valentine's Day like I can't love you how I want to be loved, because you'd be mad, bye, because you'd be like you're not feeding to me and I'd be like you're right, I'm feeding to me twice. Bye, goodbye, but I have to be accountable for that.
Speaker 1:The other is avoiding passive aggression. Ok, holding in frustration only grows more bitterness.
Speaker 2:People got to break the silence.
Speaker 1:You got to speak it. Don't bury it. Ok, and remember there is a respectful way to do that. There is a respectful way to come to your partner and say, hey, I'm not feeling fulfilled in this area of our life or of our relationship and I feel like this is what I would need. That kind of takes me to.
Speaker 1:I had heard I think we talked about it a little bit on a previous episode where a therapist was talking about even if you feel like you're not getting everything you need from your relationship, just try, try to focus on your partner. Right, just focus on your partner and focus on their needs and see if that can also inspire them Right To be like OK, well, my partner is meeting A, b and C. Like I said that I wanted more dates, he's taking me out once a week. I said that I wanted more family vacations. He's making sure to be financially sound and plan out something for us every six months. And when you see that effort happening, you automatically I mean at least for me you start having that reflection like, damn well, what have I not done for him? Or what, what? How can I be better for my husband? How can I be better for my partner. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:So maybe just try focusing on your partner's needs, instead of focusing so much on your needs and beating up your other partner for not fulfilling your needs. Focus on their needs. Take the attention off of yourself for a second and find joy in trying to love on your partner and love them in a way that they perceive love, and see if that can inspire them to want to do the same for you, and see if you can get what you need out of your partner the whole time, right? So if he's complaining that you okay well, you don't cook enough. Okay, well, pour pour into her. That makes her feel loved and inspired, and then maybe she'll be like you know what, let me cook for him.
Speaker 2:Like, I'm, I want to, and that's what, and that's what I was going to say too, like it's the Protecting her peace Right, because we always talk about protecting a man's peace, oh gosh, yes, it is a big thing. Yes, but it is a flip side of that Right. You have to create a environment to where she feels safe and loving, or that she can be the peace that you want, like you can't expect her to be peace for you.
Speaker 1:You can't have it, you can't expect her to be pre-packaged peace, but you constantly bringing her hell. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:That don't go together.
Speaker 1:She not gonna come with pre-packaged peace. That's plaids and stripes. Bye, maurice, you're so stupid. That's plaids and stripes, what the hell.
Speaker 2:I gotta stop watching Vampire.
Speaker 1:You do, you really do. He watches it like it just came out.
Speaker 2:It's one of my favorite movies, but you have to, like I understand, like the way I talk to you. The energy I bring through the door affects the energy that was here.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:So if the home is calm and everybody's peaceful and quiet and they kind of do their own thing, and you come up in here with a raft. And I come in here like a tornado. It's not going to look good. I'm disturbing the peace.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. I'm disturbing the peace and we know how I get when the peace is disturbed you get ghosts. I said listen here, what you not going to do. We up in here, cuddled up watching a movie, relaxing, and then here you come, up in here wanting to be loud, got an attitude no, no, sir, I I really do try to leave and go to yogurt land.
Speaker 2:You can have a house to yourself I really do try to not bring work home with me. Yeah, and I've actually gotten to the point now where I don't work, don't even affect me. Yeah, when I clock out, that's that's the most problem um but but but it is a thing that that that you have to be each other's piece.
Speaker 1:You do. But I here's the thing, and this might be a controversial thing, but I me personally I'm speaking for myself because I think that some men would be like, okay, but why can't she initiate or why can't you know? This is the thing. If you are considered I'm gonna put air quotes on it head of household, you are the man, you are the provider you want to be. This is the problem that I have, like what some men?
Speaker 1:You want to be looked at as like you're the person taking care of it all. You're the one shouldering the most weight. You're paying the bills, you're taking care of the family, you pay the mortgage. You, the most weight. You're paying the bills, you're taking care of the family, you pay the mortgage. You, you know. You, you make sure we have food on the table. You're doing all right. You're doing all these things and we are supposed to look to you as like our safety, our security, our protector, our financier. We're supposed to look to you for all of those things, right, but when it comes to the emotional aspect of it, you got to be there too. You just, I'm just supposed to just be so grateful that you earned a paycheck this week and that we still have that. We still have a roof over our head and I'm just supposed to just lay at your feet and give you the world.
Speaker 1:But with also being the provider, you also have to understand that that also comes with making sure you manage the tone of your home. It comes with making sure you manage the energy of your home. All that still starts with you. So when you say like, oh yeah, but you're carrying the load and you're doing all this, you're doing all that. I can't do everything, you've put yourself in a position to want to be the person to take care of everything. And that starts with everything. So the energy of the house. When you come home, if you're not liking the energy of the house, if you feel like you know, like something is, something is off, something is amiss, so things are being ran the way, okay, so how? How are you going to address that? How?
Speaker 2:are you going to address it? Because you're the leader, we're following the leader. There's a difference between duty and responsibility. Right, right Now, if I'm the leader, I'm the leader, I'm in charge here. It is my duty to make sure that there's the resources are here that are required to run the day to day. Right, that's my duty. Now. Whether I go out and get that via working hustling or whatever, right, as long as we're taken care of, that's my duty. Now. Whether I go out and get that via working hustling or whatever, right, as long as we're taken care of, that's my duty. As long as the material, earthly things are taken care of, that's my duty. Right, my responsibility is to make sure that, emotionally and mentally, you're taken care of. Right. So they're separate tasks, right, but they're both as equally as important, and the same falls for the of Right, so there's separate tasks.
Speaker 1:Right, but they're both as equally as important, and the same falls for the women, right? Yeah?
Speaker 2:But it's even more so because, as the leader, as the man, if you're the man and you say you're the leader, and that's how you've positioned yourself, and that's how you've positioned yourself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, these are requirements both of the duty and responsibility, of both your requirements for your role. Yeah, now, if you're only taking care of half of that, you're lacking in your role, right? So you, when she comes to you with issues, you know what I'm saying. You can't be mad at her if you're not fulfilling all of your duty and all of your responsibility. Yeah, yeah, you know what I mean, right, because it is. It is. It is your responsibility, it is. It is I feel like personally I know a lot of men are not going to agree with me, but I do feel, like personally, that it is my responsibility, that my woman feels that she can be soft with me, that she feels that she's safe with me, that she feels she's protected with me, right, and Lord knows, I know you feel that in the sauce whenever we're together. If I don't tell you there's a pothole in front of you, you're going to walk into it.
Speaker 1:Don't push it. I don't know what you. I do have eyes, okay. But I told him yesterday, because we were all having this discussion too at his family's house and I forgot the statement you had made. But I had told him. I said, listen, I'm going to tell you, like I always tell you. If it, I'm gonna tell you, like I always tell you, if it's something I don't feel I need to be concerned with, I'm not going to concern myself with it. If I need to concern myself with it, then I will, but I'm not going to.
Speaker 2:We were talking about in short. In short, she said if I know you got it, why would I?
Speaker 1:worry about it. The point is is that you tell me not to worry.
Speaker 2:I'm not gonna worry about it until I need to worry about it Right.
Speaker 1:I'm not, you have. Listen, like we said, going back to the whole, this is the environment you have created. Right, it's not about me being lazy because I, because if I, if I, need the trap that I have set for myself.
Speaker 1:I need to get something done, I will get it done. If it's something like when you were down from your accident, things still got, still things. The point is that things still got done. You know what I'm saying? Like things that I wasn't normally responsible for I had to take care of because it was my. It was my. My point now to step up because my husband could not. Okay, so it's not a matter of me just like taking the hands off the wheel and just being, but you have created an environment for me where you are safe?
Speaker 1:I don't need to be concerned with certain things and if and until I need to be concerned with them, I will. But if I don't need to, why? Why would I? I'm just what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna just give a rundown of the rest of my points because we're running short on time, okay. So, um, some other key points, right about accountability. I'm going to just list them off and give a quick comment on each one. Being transparent with the finances that's important, because being transparent with the money is allowing her to feel secure and safe, that everything is taken care of financially. You don't want them to be in the dark and then all of a sudden, like the reaction a couple weeks ago, you get the eviction notice on the door.
Speaker 2:Yeah that would be, and now you ain't been working, yeah.
Speaker 1:And we had an experience like that once. And it's not.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:It ain't cool. That was a learning part of our relationship in our early 20s.
Speaker 2:We got through it. But I'm just saying See a little PTSD kicked in for a second. Another point is admitting when you're wrong. Now look here. This is something I do. If I'm wrong, I'm going to say I'm wrong. It took you a while to get there, though.
Speaker 1:It did take me, but now.
Speaker 2:I'm comfortable in it. It's like stretching rubber bands. I'll be like my bad. I stretching rubber bands. I'd be like my bad, I messed up. What are we going from here? Now that I acknowledge that I messed up, we ain't got to talk about it. How?
Speaker 1:are we going to fix it? We still don't need to talk about it though.
Speaker 2:No. But also and also, you got to understand that taking accountability is not weakness, telling that you're a woman or telling your partner that you're telling them how they make you feel or what that's not, that is not being. That's not going to mess. That don't mean you're weak. That's not going to mess with your masculinity. If anything, I feel that makes you more masculine because you're owning. You're owning your emotions and your responsibility.
Speaker 1:And I see that as you being trying to be an effective leader.
Speaker 2:And also, you know, uplifting her in public and private. Now look here, Y'all know.
Speaker 1:You can cool down on that a little bit.
Speaker 2:If y'all know me, big bro here I give big bro her props all the time.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean? That just sounds so stupid. Give big bro her props.
Speaker 2:I give big bro her props all the time and I agree I feel like I need. It has always been my take to love her just as loud in private as I do in the public.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That's always been my take. I don't know if she's always felt that way, but that's always been my stance. I love her just as loud in private as I do in public. Another point is I do try to create space for her voice, even though sometimes it irritates me.
Speaker 1:Again, that's another topic of stretching rubber bands.
Speaker 2:Especially once you do that damn pop Don't do it, don't do it. And I think this point is I think this is very, very, very. This is key consistency over grand gestures, right? So consistency. I can't just sit here and constantly do the same thing and say I'm sorry and then the I'm sorry or my bad is the is is the, is the is the consistency? Yeah, and I try to do something great to fix it up and not go right back, but you don't change the behavior.
Speaker 2:The consistency is that just saying okay, I apologize, going forward because I got.
Speaker 1:I got a ton of time. He's definitely like I said, this is one of those rubber band moments.
Speaker 2:And I'm not excuse me, I'm not perfect, but what I know is that the more I work on it, the more I catch myself in situations and they get better. Yeah, because it's all about creating new habits of communication for us, in particular. For me, it's creating new habits of communication with my wife so that I can express myself properly to her, so that she can receive my message properly, right. And another thing is, I don't point out her flaws, I don't. I don't. I don't know, I do not. We have not often not often, sometimes.
Speaker 2:sometimes I gotta be like you gotta do a little better here, you gotta, you gotta.
Speaker 1:you gotta do a little better here, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta like last month I rated you a nine, this month you were a seven, so we can just work back up to that nine because every, every, every month I tell them look, you got your performance review coming okay, good, dang, gone bye you got your performance review coming up, you go you go, have your performance review coming up too oh, it's great 10 out of 10 we.
Speaker 1:No, I'm fighting for more child support. You get the whole check. I'm fighting for more child support.
Speaker 2:So yeah, it's just, I don't know if you want to run through yours too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I know we went over avoiding passive aggression, owning triggers of past hurts. Ok, the emotion belongs to me, even if he's the one who triggered it. So again back to the example. That was my emotion. I have to be accountable to that. I have to find what's inside of me that makes me feel that way. When he makes statements like that, consistent follow through, I can ask for consistency if I'm inconsistent with my commitments. I can't ask for consistencies if I'm inconsistent with my commitments right, so I can't ask something of him.
Speaker 1:Oh, here he goes, duality, I can't ask something of him that. I'm not showcasing. That's it Myself.
Speaker 2:Right, so stop asking me for money.
Speaker 1:First of all, I don't ask you just take it. I get money deposited. You take it, I get money deposited. You take it Every week. Okay, challenging double standards. I don't get to demand him being vulnerable while punishing him Right. So I'm not going to ask him to be vulnerable and open with me, but then attack him or punish him when he does because I don't agree with what he said.
Speaker 1:And a lot of women do that like you say something to me and I'm asking you to tell me how you feel, but because the way you feel doesn't align with how I think you should be feeling you're preaching now that a lot of women do that, and then when I give him the rebuttal even though in my mind I'm it's coming from a place of I'm trying to get you to change your perspective and you should look at it this way it's coming off as like OK, now you beat me up after you asked me to be open, I'm trying to be open. Yeah, that's a whole nother episode. That's a whole nother episode. Being honest about burnout Accountability includes knowing when you need help.
Speaker 1:So, knowing when I need help, she's going to tell me too. I let him know, like hey, this week.
Speaker 2:I need you to do it this week.
Speaker 1:Listen, I'm working at about 30%.
Speaker 2:Remember that episode.
Speaker 1:I was like I'm only operating at about 30%, so I'm gonna make sure you have your lunch. I'm gonna make sure your dinner is prepped. Outside of that, I don't really have much for you, please don't come in here with no shit please, please, and, and you know, and it's a 50 50 chance if you tap me on my shoulder in the middle of the night, I don't know what you're gonna get, because I already told you I'm only operating at a 30 he's just laying on top of me, he's just business.
Speaker 1:Stop it. Um, uh, no score. Oh Lord, that's a really big one. Okay, marriage, marriage is not 50, 50.
Speaker 2:Most of the time, we have, we have to we have to be.
Speaker 1:It is not like people who this whole 50, 50 thing it is not. It's not realistic. Like I just said just two seconds ago, sometimes I'm only operating at 30 and I'm gonna need him. I'm going to need him to operate at 70. And, yes, he carries a big load, but that's still my partner. Pause Bye, that's still my partner and even with all that he does, if I need help, I'm going to express that I need help.
Speaker 1:When he needs help, he expresses he needs help, even if I it if he if he doesn't have it and I see that he's not trying to be like you know, he's just trying to dump a load if I genuinely see like stop it. If I genuinely see like he ain't got it he, he, he can't, he, he didn't scrape the bottom of the barrel and even if I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel but my barrel is I still got a little bit left in the tank, but he ain ain't got none in the tank. I'm going to just have to. I'm going to have to take one for the team. I'm going to have to take one for the team.
Speaker 1:I'm going to have to let him get himself straight, because I know that when he's at the top of his game, order order comes back demeaning him. Okay. So I mean I'm not. That's really just kind of saying things in plain and simple terms, without throwing daggers at you, so I can tell you what it is I actually need, without making some innuendo. That also is demeaning to you or disrespectful to you. Modeling the standards that I want, setting the standards through my behaviors and not just my words, right.
Speaker 2:That goes both ways.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it goes both ways, but I can't, I can't. I have to be the change that I expect to see. I say it all the time, don't I say it? I have to be the change that I expect to see.
Speaker 2:I say it all the time, don't I say it? I have to be the change that I expect to see. That's it, that's it.
Speaker 1:If I'm not getting something out of you, I need to change the behavior within myself first. What I say at the top of the episode Right?
Speaker 1:You got to start with you. Yeah, it's got to start, it's no, you have to start with yourself. And sometimes those are really tough pills to swallow, because it's hard for us to think of ourselves as like, the issue or the problem, or us contributing to the downfall of a relationship, or us contributing to why something, you know, why something, didn't work out, or why this person is behaving the way that they are, or why my wife or my husband doesn't do the things that I'm asking them to do. And it's very simple, and I gave him a list and you have to be the change that you expect to see within, within your partner. It's just plain and simple. Um, and then, lastly, not using intimacy as a weapon.
Speaker 2:Oh, Lord, I could have another you in a minute.
Speaker 1:Matter of fact, he'll be here in a minute. Um, yeah, he'll be here in a minute. Um yeah, I mean, I feel like that one's pretty much self-explanatory withholding love. Uh, to punish isn't accountability right, that's yeah that's just trying to be controlling, trying to be controlling yeah, so it's like that's.
Speaker 1:That's why I say like earlier, even if I'm only operating at 30. I've already let you know I'm operating at 30, but when you tap me on the shoulder I really don't know what you're gonna get. But but it's a 50-50 chance. It's going to be a 50-50 chance. You might come out on top, you might be successful and if not, I'm just going to climb on you and do my business, shut up. No, you're not. No, you're not. I'm just going to climb on you and do my business.
Speaker 2:No, you're not this, so you're not. Here are some things that accountability will look like for you if you're trying to practice it right. Okay, you gotta, you gotta check in with yourself often. Yeah, you have to reflect. Yeah, I try to reflect on almost every interaction I have with my wife and and and with certain people that tend to especially anything that gets me out of out of my nature, out of character, like, yeah, they were able to, they had that much control over you, anything that gets me out of my nature, out of character.
Speaker 1:Out of character? Yeah, they were able to. They had that much control over you that they got you out of character.
Speaker 2:That's one thing you have to apologize and change. Now we understand that the change is not going to be overnight, but it has to be small changes, small consistent changes over time. Right? Because you can't just keep apologizing and not changing, because in that point you're lying to yourself and you're lying to them, right?
Speaker 1:You're just glossing over the situation.
Speaker 2:And it also helps to have some type of therapy Like I'm a champion for therapy or coaching. Have someone that you can talk to. That will tell you the hard truth.
Speaker 1:And have an unbiased opinion about things.
Speaker 2:All my opinions are biased because I no, I'm just playing.
Speaker 1:Bye.
Speaker 2:But they have to have an unbiased opinion, especially when it's dealing if you're dealing with like with your own personal relationship, whether you're talking to them about your spouse or whatever the case may be right or talking to other married people. Right, please. And then, when it comes to accountability within your relationship, you know, sit down with your partner and see hey, is is what we got going on. Is it working? Is is? Is it working for us? Do a performance.
Speaker 1:Review of the relationship.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And then reevaluate what the new needs are versus the old needs and how we can get to a place where we're both content and friendly and happy.
Speaker 2:And then and then you have to call out each other in a respectful manner. You have to approach them and say, hey, you've been doing this and this is bothering me. Hey, have you ever thought, can I ask you why you're doing this? Because I don't like the way you do this or the way you talk to me, like you have to have these conversations because the issue has to be known for you to move on Right. And the most important thing you can do to have accountability in a relationship and a marriage is you have to honor the agreement and you have to follow through on your promises. You cannot tell your partner or your spouse that you're going to do X, y and Z and you keep doing A, b and C. Yeah, that's not going to work. It's going to just build resentment. It's going to show them that you're not serious about growing or trying to improve the relationship. So if you say, hey, I'm going to take you on more dates.
Speaker 1:Can I never see a date.
Speaker 2:You never see a date In my mind. We had this conversation. My wife said I want to date more and I said okay.
Speaker 1:It was literally, and I said OK, and then it was, it was really just one day a month, but it was more than what we was getting.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Now we just record for dates.
Speaker 1:Or we're going to have a bed, a bed date a takeout, remember, I kind of, and I kind of, I kind of count our gym dates, dates no-transcript, and it may not be the most convenient thing to do, but he did it so that he could prioritize us and some time together, and then we get to go to breakfast and stuff on Fridays. So, it's the little things, it's the little things.
Speaker 2:Before we move on to R2Sense, I'm going to just read this. You guys can take it as a word or not. Not take it as a word. It says accountability is a gift we give ourselves and each other. It says I care enough to grow. Not just for me, but for us, whether you're the wife or the husband, accountability is the bridge that keeps love alive, even when life gets hard. That is a true statement, nice. So that's a word For me. It's a word because it's true. It may not be a word for y'all.
Speaker 1:I like marriage isn't about being right, it's about being real Girl, and that's like literally one of the reasons why we really wanted to like do the podcast, like obviously it gives us time to spend with each other and you know, we like to do the funny stories. We love doing our reactions and stuff like that, and then when we have episodes like this, it's because for so long, so many people think that what they go through they're the only people going, you're not you.
Speaker 1:And then when they see people who have been together for like as long as we have, or longer, and they just like have an assumption, like oh well, that's because it must just be easy for you guys to like because you get along.
Speaker 1:It's not Like we we still go through things. We have gone. We have gone through challenges, you know, with our own insecurities. We've gone through challenges with our finances. We've gone through challenges, you know, just us changing as individuals and we constantly have to kind of reinvent, you know, the relationship in order to want to stay in it. And that's the thing we we still are at a point where we want to stay in it but, it doesn't mean that we're not going to go through challenges.
Speaker 1:It's not going to mean that there's periods in which I'm not, you know, 100% happy in my relationship. My husband's not 100% happy in his relationship. But we're not intended to be 100% satiated all the time, because that's not how you grow.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the only thing that make a relationship last is determination not to leave.
Speaker 1:Right, that's it. Right, and we're both still in the headset. That you still here? Yeah, if you still here, I'm in it. All right, then let's move forward.
Speaker 2:I mean plus the fact I'm not starting over. I mean, so this one don't work out, it ain't gonna be another one.
Speaker 1:I mean, I've heard what the dating pool is like.
Speaker 2:So heard he's a cesspool.
Speaker 1:I guess, i'ma just, i'ma just i'ma stand beside him all right, guys. So good discussion, babe, um, let's go into.
Speaker 2:We might do a series on this, oh goodness yeah, maybe we'll have to start.
Speaker 1:We'll have to start, we'll. We'll work on something for that with you guys. So we'll bring in some other couples too, at different stages of marriage and we'll have that as a discussion. Um, yeah, so let's move right on into our two cents, okay, okay, let's start with this one. Uh, my date asked me to pay for a free meal and I refused. Okay, crazy.
Speaker 1:I went to go meet a guy for first date at a restaurant that he chose. We met in the parking lot and had a medium, medium-sized box with him. When I asked what was inside, he said that it was work-related and that the restaurant owners were clients of his. He was a salesman for something. He disappeared for about 15 minutes while I was being seated at the restaurant. It was a bit awkward to be sitting at a table all alone for the first time for the first 15 minutes while he double booked our date with work. We sat down, we chatted a lot. He wasn't ready to order. For the next 30 minutes we were at the table. I decided to be a good sport about it, even though I had been sitting at the table now for 45 minutes and hadn't ordered anything but water During the chatting he admitted to me he trades goods for meals at the restaurant that we were at.
Speaker 1:If, for example, the goods that he's selling is worth $100 retail, the restaurant will give him a meal that's worth the same. He said that the cost of the goods are much lower than the actual retail price, just as the cost of the restaurant for the meal is lower than what the menu price is. And that made sense. We ate and for a few reasons other than the meal trade, I had decided that we weren't right for one another.
Speaker 1:The following day, when he texted me, I let him know that I didn't feel a spark between us and that I won't be seeing him again. He then texted me that I owed him money for half of the meal. He said it was customary if a woman decides it's a one time thing that she should pay for her half of the meal. I would quote, unquote sort of agree, but in this case he didn't even pay for the meal at all. So I'm not sure. Is he talking to me as if I had an agenda that had gotten a free meal out of him for going on the date before I even met him? But am I the asshole for not paying for a meal that was free and we never received a bill.
Speaker 2:First of all, no, you're not an asshole. The meal wasn't free. He bought it for the meal, so it wasn't free. He did pay something. He just didn't pay in cash. But this is wild to me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he said it's customary that if you basically he said that if you don't agree to go to a second date, you basically went on the first day for a free meal. But he already got the meal in trade technically for free because there was no bill. So he expects you to give him right cash, right, when he didn't even the goods were exchanged for cash. But he wants to profit.
Speaker 2:This is why I always say the first date should be something like quick and easy, like coffee.
Speaker 1:He still probably would have wanted half.
Speaker 2:Go to a bagel shop. He still probably would have wanted half. You're not an asshole. You're not an asshole. I wouldn't give him a dime.
Speaker 1:I just wouldn't respond After he texted that I just wouldn't respond it again.
Speaker 1:That's fine, blocked. You can feel the way you feel. Apparently. I got a free meal and we can all move on with life. You should hit him with one of them. Old calls what the hell that gotta do with the price. Respond with hashtag heliante, what the hell? What the hell? What the heliante? What the heli cyrus? Okay, last one. Um, am I the asshole?
Speaker 1:My husband will invite his family and friends over without telling me until the day of. He then expects me to cook clean, run to the store, prep and cook everything. I finally just decided to leave the house the last time, he told me because I only had four hours to their arrival so he canceled. The thing is his family is constantly judging and talking about each other, so when he says it doesn't matter, they don't care. I know, and he knows that he's full of it. Also, it's not just tidying the house. We are not regularly stocked in food or drinks to have people over. When I got home, I asked what he was planning on having for dinner and he responded I don't know. I guess it's a good thing that they aren't coming over anymore. Now he's sulking, saying that I'm the problem because I can't just go with the flow. I've told him multiple times that I just need a couple of days notice just to get the house in order, but he insists that I am being difficult, uptight and uncooperative.
Speaker 2:He's not taking accountability for his role.
Speaker 1:He's not taking accountability. How much it takes to get things in order to have people at your house that's what he's In his mind. He's thinking first of all, it's my family.
Speaker 2:It's my house.
Speaker 1:Why should it matter?
Speaker 2:It does matter, because your family talks shit, because if mama walking here and his house is dirty, she's going to talk shit about me. She's going to talk shit about me the whole time. Yep, it matters.
Speaker 1:She's going to talk. She's not going to say, son, when is the last time you cleaned these countertops? She going to say my son did marry a lazy woman. Did y'all see them countertops? Because she know, like she said, his family talks shit All the time and shit about each other. So I know, if things are not in order, right. And then some of you might be saying, well, if the house is constantly clean, then that wouldn't be a problem.
Speaker 2:Be at bff, it's like, even if the house is constantly clean. She just said that the house has never stopped, so he expects her to drop everything and go get everything and then cook everything because his family is coming over like it's not, it's not gonna happen.
Speaker 1:If he, if he comes to me and says like oh, um, you know everybody's coming over at two o'clock and it's 10 am, you can go ahead and send a mass text and let them know that we will reschedule for next saturday. Right, we're gonna reschedule for next saturday, because what I'm not about to do is try to hurry up and get to the store, get all this stuff, get here, cook and then, and then there's certain things that you look around the house and you're like oh, like, let me clean that, because that's gonna be the one thing that somebody else notices you know, and yes, it may be something that I clean often, but now I gotta take time out of cooking, prepping, going to the store to sit here and clean that and you're not doing nothing and it's not that she's saying they can't come, she don't want them to come.
Speaker 2:She just said give me a me a heads up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, that's because. Can you let me know?
Speaker 2:a couple of days before.
Speaker 1:That's because they're sitting there talking.
Speaker 2:Because maybe I could do a little. I could do a little this day, a little this day.
Speaker 1:I can do the bathrooms on Monday. I can do the downstairs on Tuesday. I can do this on Wednesday. That's going to be cooked for Saturday and then. Saturday morning boo.
Speaker 2:Here's the thing Come on Ma'am you're not the asshole. No I would just say hey, how about from now on we go to they house?
Speaker 1:Right, why can't we do a same day planned trip to their home? Right, let's do that. Right, let's give them a two hour notice. Right, I can't.
Speaker 2:Well, this has been another episode of the Life After I Do podcast.
Speaker 1:If you're not doing so already, don't forget to like, comment, share all of the things, follow. Tell a friend to tell a friend.
Speaker 2:Tell a friend to tell a friend To tell a friend and then tell a grandma and a mama yes, and the hellionte. What's the hellionte? The hellionte, the hellionte.
Speaker 1:Follow us at Life After. I Do podcast on Instagram, tiktok TikTok, facebook and YouTube. I was about to say Instacart we not on Instacart? You can also oh, flip, you can also write into us at lifeafteridopodcast at gmailcom. You get a new episode every Wednesday, guys, thanks for listening, thanks for rocking with us, until next time. Peace Booskaronis, peace Booskis.
Speaker 2:What the Miley Cyrus.
