Life After I Do Podcast
Marriage and relationships can be tough. You may feel like you’re the only one struggling but you’re not. Life After I do is a weekly podcast where Morice and Kynesha, a black married millennial couple, share their experiences and advice on everything from kids and family to intimacy and connection. Noting is off limits.
In their 21 years together and 7 years of marriage, Morice and Kynesha have learned a lot about what it takes to make a relationship work. They know the importance of communication, trust and commitment. They also know it’s okay to not have it all figured out.
Join them every Wednesday as they talk about their own journey of “Life After I do”.
Life After I Do Podcast
Friendship Foundation
What happens when you wake up and realize… you don’t recognize yourself anymore? Whether it’s the fog of new parenthood, the demands of marriage, or simply life’s relentless routine, that haunting “I miss me” feeling can hit hard—and it’s more common than you think.
This week on Life After I Do, we have an honest, emotional conversation about what it means to lose—and reclaim—your identity in a long-term relationship. From 8 weeks of sleepless nights to the realization that you haven’t done something just for you in months, we unpack how easy it is to fade into the background of your own life.
💬 What We Talk About:
• The “I miss me” moment and how to navigate it
• Why maintaining your individuality strengthens your relationship—not threatens it
• The power of separate hobbies, goals, gym time, and creative outlets
• The difference between building a life with someone vs. becoming someone else to fit that life
• How financial and emotional independence fosters deeper connection
• Why choosing your partner daily matters more than merging into one identity
💡 Key Takeaway:
Modern love isn’t about sacrificing who you are—it’s about growing into your full self with someone, not for someone. The healthiest relationships create space for two whole individuals to thrive—together.
🎧 If you’ve ever felt lost in love, parenthood, or the everyday hustle, this episode is your permission to pause, reflect, and reconnect—with yourself and your partner.
But I remember just overwhelmingly feeling like I miss me, like I it was a legitimate feeling that who I was was so far gone and she was only like eight weeks old or something. But I just remember feeling like damn, like what, what was, what was it like before, before this? You know what I mean and I remember posting that by. I remember posting that and all my friends, like coworkers, friends, everybody was like we know exactly how you feel. Hey, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Life After I Do. You know the drill With Nisha G and Malita PYT Pretty young thing TLC To the loving gas. Hey, booskies. Hey, my ear itch Ooh.
Speaker 2:What that mean.
Speaker 1:Somebody talking about me? Somebody talking about you, somebody talking crap out there in the world. Stop talking crap, you crap talkers.
Speaker 2:If you were trying to threaten him, that ain't going to cut it. I'll tell you right now that didn't do it. Yeah, that didn't do it at all. Why.
Speaker 1:Because that wasn't intimidating enough?
Speaker 2:Not at all.
Speaker 1:Just make sure they address me as big bro.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Just make sure they address me as big bro. Okay, just make sure they address me as big bro.
Speaker 2:So now you want to be a man.
Speaker 1:Just address me as big bro, okay All right, big bro, Bring them groceries in. No I can't do that. No big bro, I can't. No, big bro, I can't do that. I told you Gym strength does not translate to everyday at home strength.
Speaker 2:How you doing. I can't carry laundry.
Speaker 1:I can't carry groceries how you doing. I'm good, I just ate some chicken, so hopefully that will give you a little bit of energy, just like Address me as big bro, please. Thank you All right, big bro. Thank you All right, big bro.
Speaker 2:Thank you all right, big bro. Thank you all right, big bro. Thank you. You want to be a man so bad? No, I don't you wouldn't have no problems yeah, I would okay, all right, big bro thank you.
Speaker 1:How was your week, big bro? I was teasing shut up. I don't like that. No, I don't like that asking. You shall receive okay, um, it was good, my weekend was good. What did I do this weekend? Well, how's your week? Not just, oh, my week, okay, yeah sorry, come on, big bro. Um, my week was good. Lock in. I don't like you. My week was good. What was good about it? I parented. Okay, how are you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I did, Because my daughter is like getting older, she's getting into that eight range and the little personality is like you know, she hit you with the oh girl. No, she hit me with a lot of different things and I'm like girl I need you to roll it back. Baby girl, baby girl, baby girl. Roll it back just a little bit. Where is my toothless four-year-old?
Speaker 2:Gone.
Speaker 1:Because I'm going to need her to spend the block one more time you have a sassy back-talking almost eight-year-old. Oh, my goodness, it's the but why? And then that doesn't make sense. Excuse me. You're seven it, but why? And then that doesn't make sense. Excuse me, hold on, it makes sense. If I tell you it makes sense, hold on, big bro, so you can dish it, but you can't take it, because those are all things you say. That's different.
Speaker 2:But why? Why, maurice? But why? That doesn't make sense, that's different.
Speaker 1:Oh, so when you say it, it it's a problem when she does it.
Speaker 2:Oh.
Speaker 1:Exactly Now that we've got that out of the way.
Speaker 2:You know what her response to that would be? Once upon a time, all of us have been changed.
Speaker 1:No, just like okay, wait a minute. So you know, like when she gets in trouble and she gets a consequence or she gets disciplined or whatever. So like this morning, when you, for whatever reason, I don't know why, it crossed your mind to rest your foot on the table today, and she looks at me and she was like, is dad gonna get a consequence?
Speaker 2:yes, yeah, the consequence is I'm gonna put my foot down because I was like and I was like no, he's not gonna get a consequence.
Speaker 1:And she was like, well, he should get a consequence because he did something he wasn't supposed to first of all literally that's what she told me.
Speaker 1:She was like he should get a consequence because he did something that he wasn't supposed to first of all she was trying to give me back what we gave her last night because we were like telling her like oh, you made a poor decision, so your poor decision has a consequence, and you did something where you knew that you weren't supposed to do Like. You knew you weren't supposed to do it and so when he did it she was like he should get a consequence because he basically knew that he wasn't supposed to put a spit on the table.
Speaker 2:First of all, big bro, daddy, don't get consequences, because daddy sets, sets uh that's not the type I am. That's not the type of parenting.
Speaker 1:I think you want to set your rounds on because look here around here.
Speaker 2:My role is big, big bro, as the provider, and I make sure.
Speaker 1:I make sure everything is running here I get grace. You don't have to follow rules that you enforce, no, I get grace, I get grace.
Speaker 2:It was what my knee was hurting. I had to stretch it out.
Speaker 1:I play basketball On the kitchen table where we put our food. Okay, correction, which is true. I put my foot on the kitchen table when we put our food. Okay, I Correction.
Speaker 2:It's crazy, which is true. I put my foot On the kitchen table Like.
Speaker 1:Hold on. Her and I both were in awe Cause we were like, let me finish.
Speaker 2:Let me finish. Yes, I did put my foot On the kitchen table, but I put it on top Of her project, so it wasn't like Touching the table.
Speaker 1:Okay, it's the table, okay it's your foot on the table. I don't think whether it was on top of a mat or it doesn't matter. It was the kitchen table where my foot is. First of all, we don't eat here.
Speaker 2:First of all, we do eat at the kitchen table like yes, we do once a month all right if you're talking about like us eating together.
Speaker 1:We don't always eat together, but we definitely eat at the kitchen table are you done? No, I'm not done are you done? So we don't. We don't eat at the kitchen table yeah, but we do no, I'm asking yeah, we do nobody eats at the kitchen table. She does because she has to okay, and you eat at the kitchen table but you eat at the kitchen table in the morning when you have breakfast but where I put my foot, nobody eats there okay, now see that shit that you do. That's annoying. Okay, that's annoying.
Speaker 2:See, we started off fire. She was tired. Don't touch me. She was tired, don't touch me. I'm giving her life, don't touch me. What about the rest of your week, wooskies? I'm sorry, the rest of your week, B-Bro.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know, just parenting hard, gymming hard um, yeah, you know, just parenting hard, gymming hard um wifing hard. You're a womaning hard this week too, just yeah womaning hard. It was just like all the things you know. Dealing with that and having to do all of those things when you're not in the best mental state, like really trying to push through when your, your mental and your energy level is operating at a consistent 4.75, is really tough that's wild it's wild.
Speaker 1:I mean you wouldn't know anything about that because, as you stated when you were getting ready for the for work, you know it's nice being a man where I'm constantly riding a straight line hormonally, yeah, mentally I'm not.
Speaker 2:Oh okay, I'm all over the place Okay.
Speaker 1:But yeah so mentally and hormonally, I was bouncing between a 4.75 and a 5.2. Yeah, okay, but All right. But because I'm big bro, big bro, I made it do what it do. Talk your shit and I still pulled out a W for the week. Okay, pulled out a W for the week. Okay, talk your shit, big bro. Still pulled out a W for the week Talk your shit big bro, Because that's what I do. That's what big bro do huh.
Speaker 1:That's what big bro do, okay, okay, ain't got time to complain about it, ain't got time to whine about it. Nobody's going to listen anyway.
Speaker 2:No one's going to care anyway, okay, first of you dig okay, I'm tired, I'm over my rant, sorry people. People care about her and they listen to her and they care who most notably of her is her daughter, because her daughter's like mom. What's wrong?
Speaker 1:she asked me that when you went on the walk because I was laying in bed and I was like, well, I guess I'm not gonna be able to get that nap before we record. And then she came to the door and she was like. She was like Mom, are you OK? And I said no. And she was like are you sad? I said a little bit and she was like are you embarrassed? I said no. She was like are you angry?
Speaker 1:I said no, she was going down the emotions and she was like do you need huggies and kissies? And I was like yes, I do. And she was like okay, and so she came and she hugged me and so, like one of the things I did with her last week, when she said she was sad, I gave her a hug and I was like I was shaking her like this and I was like, just give me all of those negative feelings. I was like mommy's just gonna absorb them all and then I'll get rid of them. And so when she came and gave me a hug, she was shaking me. She was like just give them all to fifi, just give me all that sadness, I'll get rid of it for you, just give it to me, you're so cute.
Speaker 1:Meanwhile, y'all were like dad, take the sadness you're supposed to dispose of it, you're not supposed to like, you're not supposed to absorb it and keep it you're supposed to like take it, and then you're supposed to be like, okay, let me go get rid of it with your dad.
Speaker 2:Okay with your boo carry it with you yeah no, but that was cute.
Speaker 1:And then, like I also think that was just her way of like getting back into my room, because I had kicked her out like three times so I think that was her way of getting back something was done on me.
Speaker 2:I just kind of made me upset okay my week was cool, no what what did you?
Speaker 1:I want to hear it.
Speaker 2:I'll talk about it. Okay, my week was cool, you know a lot of positives. I'm trying to be positive. Gym is going great. Work was fairly smooth this week. I didn't hear any complaining, so Because you were asleep when I got home.
Speaker 1:Which it has been happening all week. Well, that's fine, because you get home late now been happening all week.
Speaker 2:Well, that's fine, because you get home late now. Well, that's how I set it up. Yeah, um, you know, so nothing really negative. I played basketball today for the first time in a long time your ankles. Shout out to my boyfriend my ankle ain't the problem. Oh okay, this knee has no, uh, lateral movement capabilities. Your knee can't do it. My left knee say go right. My right knee say where?
Speaker 1:Oh, that's not. I wouldn't be playing those kind of games. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:I wouldn't be playing those kind of games, so I really couldn't, I couldn't move, like.
Speaker 1:I want to. You couldn't shuck and jive like you used to. I couldn't do it.
Speaker 2:I couldn't do it. You wasn't shoes. That's what. That's what happened you were juking yourself right out my shoes, shout out, shout out to my boy mcfly, he, you know, mr, mr, mr, clutch shot. Look at what. Once that, once that man get going, you can't stop like his shot. You can't stop his shot when he's going. I probably could take him, okay.
Speaker 2:First of all, he's like two feet taller than you, okay it was hey, you know, I have to talk crap it will take all your energy just just just to lift your hand I wouldn't try to block his shots oh, that's. And he blocked my damn shots.
Speaker 1:I wouldn't why would I try to block his shots? He's like 10 feet taller than me. That would be.
Speaker 2:That would be futile and it was, we walked, we were walking out when the guy and uh, we're working out and he and uh, if I was like what do you think he is about 7'2". I looked over I said God, no, that nigga is like 10 feet tall.
Speaker 1:He wasn't 10 feet.
Speaker 2:Maurice, you're so silly, I've never seen anybody this tall in person. Like he looked like he should be starting center for the Los Angeles. I was like, oh my God, that's how tall he was. I said, sir starting center for the los angeles. Like, oh my gosh, that's how tall he was. I said, sir, like you know how? Like, okay, put it this way, he was sitting on the, the flat bench for like for for bench press right. Okay, his knees were at 145 degree angles. That's how tall.
Speaker 1:That's how tall he was okay, he was height goals no, I don't want to be that tall because he dug to get in every door I mean okay that's not bad but, no, it would be bad, because sometimes, like when you're really tall, their feet hang off of the bed, even when their head's all the way at the top he definitely wore a size 27 shoe minimum that's crazy work. Like when I see shoes that are that big, I'm like there's no way anybody's foot can fit in here. That's crazy work. Like when I see shoes that are that big, I'm like there's no way anybody's foot can fit in here. That's crazy. Like those shoes are like this big, I'm fine.
Speaker 2:That's crazy work I'm gonna put it this way I'm 5'10. I felt like his legs were 5'10, by marie you're so silly, just his legs. Like his legs were five to each yes, I felt like if I stood next to him. I look like that picture of Kevin Hartsham next to Shaq, that was funny. That's how tall he is. That was funny. My ear itch, but yeah, it was a good week, you know? Um, yeah, just growth.
Speaker 1:What was some of your successes this week? What was the A highlight? What the hell Did you have to pause it?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I had to think about it.
Speaker 1:Well, a highlight.
Speaker 2:I didn't spaz out. I had a couple of times where I wanted to spaz out, and I didn't mainly at work. You know, Pastor Mike, he gave me through some stuff.
Speaker 1:That's good he's our Pastor, mike.
Speaker 2:He don't even know I talk about him, he don't know who I am, but he been helping me, me. But that's what he wanted his ministry to do, so he's doing what he's supposed to do.
Speaker 1:What was the low light of?
Speaker 2:your week. The highlight of my week was when I realized that I had already hit the number. I need the gross. So I went out to work oh my gosh Friday.
Speaker 1:That's the highlight. And then, what was the low light?
Speaker 2:The low light was Sunday morning when I left you and said I won't see her again Until Thursday.
Speaker 1:Bye, demille. You saw me After that In passing. In passing, yes, hey boo, hey, how you doing Good, that's it. That's it, cause. That's it. What was your highlight? My highlight, um. Maurice. What Are you? That's it. What was your highlight? My highlight, um marise? What are you done? I can't, I don't like you are you done?
Speaker 1:because your highlight should always be me, no matter what, okay, and your my highlight my highlight was when your child support made me hit was yeah, basically when my child support payment hit and I had some more money y'all wild for that trend, i'ma tell my mom of that, I'll be like, oh, my child support just hit. She gonna be like what?
Speaker 1:y'all really wild for that, though, like y'all really wild for that if there's this trend going around and it's like like the stay-at-home moms or they're like in store and they're shopping and they're like, oh, I just my child support just hit and the husbands are like, you mean my paycheck? It's like time for that re-up.
Speaker 2:Because you took full advantage of this week. I did not I only needed a few things. You went out to eat three times on Thursday.
Speaker 1:Listen you know, if somebody would have told me when I was a child, or even a teenager, that once I decided to have a family, that I would spend 80% of my time cooking or trying to figure out what to cook for other people, I probably would have opted out, okay, what cook for other people? I probably would have opted out Okay, I probably would have opted out.
Speaker 2:What we got today.
Speaker 1:No, I wasn't done. I didn't even say what the highlight of my week was. The highlight of my week was hitting a new gym PR. That was the highlight of my week, wow.
Speaker 2:I just thought about something again. What? First of all, I didn't say the first thing, but you talk about ma'am.
Speaker 1:I've been cooking what you've been both cooking. I've been, yeah, I've been both cooking all the okay, yeah, but that's all the protein that's stuff that you and I eat, babe, she don't like eating prep every day and that that's your problem. You keep forgetting that she's seven. We can't expect her to eat prep every day like we do.
Speaker 2:She needs protein we don't mind eating prep.
Speaker 1:She minds eating prep.
Speaker 2:She needs her protein.
Speaker 1:I can only feed her chicken, rice and vegetables for so long before she's like okay, we mix it up, I've had enough. We throw some steak in there, some shrimp. I was mixing it up. I was like I'm gonna make her her favorite, I'm gonna make chicken salad. And then she was like and then what'd she say? What did she say the other day? What'd she say?
Speaker 2:She said, it's when we eat. My stomach hurt. I ate too much already.
Speaker 1:She said when starts to make my stomach hurt. And then she followed that up with I'm not saying your cooking's not good, that's what she told me. I'm not saying your cooking's not good, I'm just saying that I can't eat the same thing too many days, Cause if I eat the same thing too many days, mom, then it makes my stomach hurt. And I was like okay, Cause when you think about it, you know it's kind of like how you were with spaghetti before. You made me stop making spaghetti because you said you didn't like eating it for dinner, Then I would pack it for your lunch and then it was leftovers and you have to come home and eat it again. And what did you say?
Speaker 2:I got tired of eating spaghetti. You got tired of eating spaghetti For five meals in a row Because I don't like spaghetti.
Speaker 1:You got tired of eating it, so that's how your daughter feels, what we got tired of, okay it.
Speaker 2:so that's how your daughter feels okay, it feels the same way.
Speaker 1:Um no, you asked me a question and then you just answered it. Okay, no, I answered it, and then you cut it off with something else. Oh, I forgot you, you don't. You don't want me to be great, anyway, it's cool it's cool.
Speaker 2:Okay, the highlight of her week. It's cool was her gym pr she hit 305 on squats this week, guys, I did not hit.
Speaker 1:Well, that was. It was that one, but that's not the one I was talking about, which one was, but yes, I did hit 305 on my squat. It could be a little cleaner, um, but I was talking about my deadlift, which also could be a little cleaner.
Speaker 2:But yes, I hit 335 on my deadlift and 305 on my squat and I hit 150 on my deadlift this week.
Speaker 1:You didn't deadlift this week I did 150. You did not deadlift.
Speaker 2:Well, you wasn't there, I tried to Maurice.
Speaker 1:why are you fibbing?
Speaker 2:It's less than you. What's the matter? I can't tell you where I'm at, where my PRs are.
Speaker 1:Because you don't deadlift.
Speaker 2:I can't tell you. Okay, babe, what are you?
Speaker 1:deadlifting. Are you talking about your stick-legged deadlift?
Speaker 2:No, my deadlift is 150. I'm not as strong as you. That's why you're a big bro.
Speaker 1:You just be sunny, you should talk to your therapist about you doing this. You really should oh that's all right.
Speaker 2:I'll talk to old Dr Will on Friday.
Speaker 1:You should. I'm going to let her know that, nah, I'm going to be like this thing that he does like this fake support thing and then covers it up Fake support and then he covers it up with like a joke oh, God. I forget what that's called, what the mental terminology for that is. I am your biggest supporter.
Speaker 2:I'll be hyping you up. Go, best friend.
Speaker 1:Ay, that's my best friend, ay.
Speaker 2:What we got best friend.
Speaker 1:Okay, best friend. So If you press it, I'm gonna sock you.
Speaker 2:Y'all see how she treat me.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna sock you.
Speaker 2:Y'all see how she treat me.
Speaker 1:You drive me to eat yogurt, do I? Yes, do it. Do it and I'm gonna pinch you, press it, and I'm gonna pinch, pinch, you, press it and I'm going to pinch you. What was I going to say? I'm not going to say anything, because if you do it, if you- press that button.
Speaker 2:I'm going to pinch you. I'm not going to press it then?
Speaker 1:No, I just wanted to talk about, you know, independency in marriage. Is that a word? It is for me today, independence, independency, today, independence, independence. So independence in marriage.
Speaker 2:I feel like it's kind of like a You're going to start practicing Because I feel like this could take us to another level. This is something you don't know.
Speaker 1:Reese, you wouldn't know what to do with your life if I didn't give it purpose. Okay, we're not going to act like, okay, I give your life purpose. Okay, if you didn't feel like I needed you in any way, it wouldn't be good for your mental, so you can stop. You can stop, okay, because you don't want me around here acting like I don't need no man. Okay, all right, you see how fast I shut it down. You can't even take it. You can't even take it.
Speaker 2:Pause, pause, pause, whoa, pause, pause, wait, wait a minute, what. Wait a minute, what? Okay, so, paul, wait a minute. What? Wait a minute, what? So okay. So we're talking about independence in marriage.
Speaker 1:Modern independence in marriage.
Speaker 2:Okay, okay, I don't know what this means.
Speaker 1:Just like modern independence in today's relationships, like I feel, like there is.
Speaker 2:You're going to have to help me out with this, because I'm surrounded by dependence.
Speaker 1:Okay, really, really Okay, really, really Okay. See, the thing is, as a woman who knows the type of power she holds in her relationship, I try to be very, very cautious of how I utilize such power, because I know, and I think my husband knows, that at any given moment I can break him down to size. Okay, is that?
Speaker 2:a threat.
Speaker 1:At any given moment I can break him down to size.
Speaker 2:Is that a?
Speaker 1:threat. It's not a threat. Okay, are you trying to promise?
Speaker 2:What are you trying to say? Okay, good, look here, don't let this big bro shit go to your head. Okay, okay, because we can't. We ain't even got into the episode and big bro got your ego. Listen, listen, sitting high.
Speaker 1:Listen.
Speaker 2:Yes, big bro.
Speaker 1:You know how, if, if I, if, whenever I feel like threatened or like you coming for me, I always have to shut it down. I try to come. No idea why you gotta go there, sorry, let's talk, okay. Oh my gosh, is that all you think about?
Speaker 2:when you, when I look at you, yes, yes, it's only, it's one or the other, it's that or anger. It's nothing in between. There's nothing in between. There's nothing in between. I don't think that's good, either you might want to talk to your therapist about that. Doctor, she ain't ready for that.
Speaker 1:So you lied because you said every time you look at me, you look at me with such like admiration and love and passion and you're like I'm so grateful to have her in my life. That's not what you just said that you either look at me like you want to smash, or smash me into a wall.
Speaker 2:It's so much admiration and then my brain swells up, and then that blood rushes down to my other head and then the focus transitions. So, yeah, modern independence and marriage. Oh my gosh, help us out. I can't so tell people what this is.
Speaker 1:I think it's something that's also is, it's not something that well, I don't want to say like mindful or whatever, but essentially just like pursuing your own individual hobbies, your own individual growth.
Speaker 2:Being your own self.
Speaker 1:Like basically being your own self, not trying to be so enveloped in one another, but still having a separate and independent identity within a relationship.
Speaker 2:I think that's crucial in general, just for the relationship to last, because, if Lord knows, if you were my only identity, we'd have some trouble around here.
Speaker 1:Because the second you leave I'm like where are you going? That's why I told you to go to therapy.
Speaker 2:Because that was. I'm teasing you People.
Speaker 1:I try to get serious, I'm teasing you.
Speaker 2:She wants the petty version of her husband. So bad.
Speaker 1:Because it's fun, okay. But yeah, I think that's where the biggest differences are in relationships from yesteryear.
Speaker 2:You think that people are prioritizing those things over relationships?
Speaker 1:Well, their independence, absolutely, oh, absolutely. Perspective, that is definitely a thing like valuing and prioritizing self, self-growth, freedom, finances, education, uh, children, absolutely, absolutely. What do you think about? What? About independence and growth?
Speaker 2:I think it's necessary, so you ain't gotta be the only one doing shit.
Speaker 1:What do you mean? From what? From what perspective?
Speaker 2:Because, I'm surrounded by dependents.
Speaker 1:Because I.
Speaker 2:I'm surrounded by dependents. You depend on me, the dog depends on me, but but what? In what aspect?
Speaker 1:do I depend on you? Cause cause, if you're referring to if you're referring to, if you're referring to yes, fight financially and emotionally? Absolutely not okay, absolutely not. Well, excuse, your emotional support is in conjunction with the emotions that I have, that I process, that I deal with.
Speaker 2:I was going to say, so I call it your problem no, you add to my emotional bank.
Speaker 1:I don't depend solely on you for emotional stability is what I'm saying, I guess.
Speaker 2:I guess I don't add no value to your life I literally just add.
Speaker 1:I just literally just said that you add to my emotional bank. That's cool because, like how you said, if you had to solely depend on me, that's cool really, really demille. I'm hurt now, okay. Well, I can't help that and and this, and this is why you can't, this is why you can't fully emotionally depend on one person because people are unstable, I'm just. People are unstable yes and if I had to rely solely on you for just emotionally?
Speaker 2:look here, right I would starve, okay, okay, first of all, that's a. That's a bit much, that's a okay you know, that's sorry, I'm tired oh come on now. I know I have my periods and times where you have your periods.
Speaker 2:This has been. I know that there are times in which I'm solely focusing on my, my turmoil and my trauma and what I'm processing, that I don't see the world of our marriage outside of my own personal struggles, and that I have I am trying to get better at. But I think that's just part of life. Sometimes I get tunnel vision because I'm carrying the, because in my mind, I'm carrying the weight and the potential success or failure of so much on my shoulders that I don't always see outside of myself to see what it is that you're portraying or what it is that you need. I admit that I'm trying to get better, but sometimes life is a journey.
Speaker 2:Sometimes life be life, and I can't always, but you know, at the same time, I think I do the same thing in a different way, whereas I choose not to put certain emotions on you or certain stresses on you, so that I don't add to your daily load. So I think it's kind of like. It's kind of like we both do it to each other in a different way and I think but I do think part of that is about us trying to be both emotionally self-sufficient and independent in that way. Now, I don't think that, when it comes to the definition of what modern independence of marriage is, I don't think that we necessarily hit all of these points Like I don't, I don't. I for one, I'm not autonomous, I need you. Autonomous, I need you.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:I need you, like I could do it. You want me, I could do it, but I don't want to do it. Okay, I need you. You want me, I could do it, but I don't want to do it, right.
Speaker 1:My presence makes it better.
Speaker 2:Right, my presence makes it better. Now the financial freedom part. That's me. That's me.
Speaker 1:That's me.
Speaker 2:And I mean as hard as it is to admit. You know, you are, we 23 years. You are a part of my identity, Absolutely, you are definitely a part of my identity.
Speaker 1:I'm not your identity, no, but I am. Yes, you're a major part of the fabric of your identity.
Speaker 2:Now, my personal growth, my growth journey that I have been on, it's been something I've been doing solely. Yeah, now I give you insight to where I'm feeling or where I'm, where I'm, where my life is heading and where I'm going to make sure that the direction I'm walking still aligns with the direction you want me to walk, or you want to walk or where I would like to go.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, because that's important. That's important, because if you keep, going down the yellow brick road and I want to go down the teal. We're going to have some issues Right.
Speaker 2:So I would say like out of the, with the list being personal growth, identity, autonomy, financial freedom, emotional self-sufficiency. I would say that I am attached to you permanently when it comes to identity and autonomy those two things for sure. Now the other three personal growth, financial freedom and emotional self-sufficiency those are things that I do try to keep in-house and regulate myself, and I do believe that I've done a fairly good time, a fairly good job, and the same can be said for you. I don't really think you don't really come to me with emotional things until it's like on you. And a lot of times when I do pick up on it, I can see the shift in your demeanor and in your character and sometimes, like your shoulders just hang low, I said my baby need a hug.
Speaker 1:My baby need cuddles, I need hugsies and kissies.
Speaker 2:She ain't got to talk about it. She just want me to hold her.
Speaker 1:She just want to hold her, it's just like sometimes like I tell you, sometimes I just need to cry. Let me get a good cry, Like today when you laid on my chest and I just rubbed your head and gave you a kiss and I almost went to sleep. I know, I know I was like you got to walk the dog. That's why let me get up. You got. Look, you have shit to do.
Speaker 1:Because you done put me in your bosom and now I'm sleepy, yeah, but I think here's the thing too. I think that each person in a relationship should have some sense of independence in the relationship, right? Because, like how you said, like for even though we were just joking or whatever me being able to depend on you solely for emotions or emotional support or emotional stability or, you know, like finances, all of which could be kind of dangerous to put not only put all that responsibility and load on one person, right, but now you're also leaving somebody in control of major aspects of your life, right? So I mean, yes, I depend on you financially, but I guess I depend on you financially, but I also do make my own money, do you? I was like, excuse me, sir.
Speaker 2:You make little odds of hearing.
Speaker 1:But the point is.
Speaker 2:the point is that I still you have access to something that you've created, that I've created, so you still have something on the side that's still yours.
Speaker 1:That's still something, yes, so it's like yes, of course, I depend on you to make sure my bills are paid. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:And look here. If you ever want that to change, I will not let my ego stop you. Okay, I will not. I will not let my ego stop you. Okay, I will not. I will not let my ego stop you. If you ever want that to change, okay.
Speaker 1:But when it comes to things like your personal development, your emotional boundaries, identity preservation, stuff like that, it's important for you to have your own thing, and it's important for me to have my own thing, and it's important for me to have my own thing. I love that you have something that is just for you, that I can kind of like peer into or that you can share with me. Right, you know what I'm saying. Like I don't have to be glued to you at the hip now. I do like that aspect of our relationship sometimes where, where we're, you know where we're just kind of like Inter-twingled, inter-twingled, inter-twingled, right. But I also enjoy the fact that You're like hey, I'm going to go hang out with my friends, do you Like? That's great, you should do that. Go hang out with your friends.
Speaker 1:Go have lunch with your friends, go take a day with your boys, Like you should do those things. Look here.
Speaker 2:The part of me that gets excited, and you'd be like, oh, I'm gonna go to my sister's house for a weekend. I would like are you taking your daughter too?
Speaker 1:see, now, that's, that's where we differ. I would like, when you go, you go solo, no. When I go, I always gotta take the kid, no I don't always go solo.
Speaker 2:I take the kid sometime. I don't mind taking the kid, but it's like, but I do, I do like that. I do like that time away. But, like I've said before, by day two I need my wife back. Yeah, I be like, look here. Yeah, either you come home or I'm coming to get you, because you didn't have 48 hours without me. That's enough. Right, I done smelled your pillow, okay. Okay, damel, I done cuddled with your muumuu. Okay, it's time for you to get your ass on.
Speaker 1:The fact that he's not lying, though, is the part that's crazy.
Speaker 2:Look here when my wife leaves for more than a day, I put her muumuu on her pillow and I cuddle with it.
Speaker 2:I don't care, put her mumu on her pillow and I cuddle with it. I literally come back home and my mumu is on my. I'm not ashamed of it. Her mumu has her smell, has her essence and I, that's what I'll be needing at night to sleep. Well, I cuddle with that pillow, that mumu, and be drooling all over. It be knocked out I can't, but like you said, it is. It is important for each uh party, each side, to have their own thing right. So and to pursue different things right.
Speaker 1:Like pursue things beyond, like what your title is, I know for me, when I first became a stay at home mom like I think it was, you know it was under school it was nice In the beginning it felt like a vacation. I was like, okay, I can do this.
Speaker 2:I can do this.
Speaker 1:I can do this, because she wasn't in school.
Speaker 2:It was a lot of naps.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we made our own schedule because I did homeschooling with her. It was cool. I was like I can do this.
Speaker 2:Two or three days in the same pajamas.
Speaker 1:I can do this. And then when things started to pick up, she had a schedule, and then she had school, and then you had work and then there was the house and then there was, uh, the you know, keeping up the house, like running the errands, the bill, like all of that stuff.
Speaker 1:That's when I feel like, that's when I got like knee deep in it and then just being a wife and a mom really just became my personality, and that's when I started to feel like, okay, I don't have an identity for myself anymore. And I remember being out with I forget who it was, I think it was my cousin and we went to a friend's house and her friend's son had asked me. He was like oh, what do you do, kynesha? And I literally I just responded and I was like, oh, I'm a stay-at-home mom, like, just like that. And my cousin was like you do more than just stay at home, like you know, yeah, you're a stay-at-home mom, but you also run a small business. You also you. But because I didn't, I don't think of myself like that, like because, when I decided to stay home, when people ask like what do you do? Like I'm be like, oh, I'm a stay-at-home mom, you know. And then my and my sister was like you don't, but you don't just stay home like you.
Speaker 2:I put it down for my family.
Speaker 1:You, you literally like run two small businesses and you're a podcaster now and you do content Like there's so many other things, but I don't, I don't view those things. You know what I'm saying and but when I, when I sit back and I think about it, I'm like, okay, well, yeah, I do more than just you know am being a stay at home mom or being your wife, and I think that's where trying to regain some of my independence like I had once before, because my independence for me needs to be beyond just providing financially. But I also realized too that a lot of my identity was also wrapped up in like my work brain. Yeah, you know, like my work, I tried to wrap up in my work brain.
Speaker 2:I tried to tell you.
Speaker 1:It was wrapped up in my work brain.
Speaker 2:I tried to tell you.
Speaker 1:But that's the part of my identity that I like for myself, because I always said, like work is for me, because I genuinely enjoyed what I did you know what I'm saying. Crazy. So when, like now, how I'm trying to really get back into carving out things that are just for me, you know, and saying you're trying to know you're doing it. Ok, well, I'm doing it, you know. So it puts me in a different headspace of making sure that I prioritize things.
Speaker 2:But to that point I will say I applaud you for that, because I know how hard it is. Yeah Right, because for me for the longest time I used to always and I still do a little bit now I still struggle with getting like justifying, buying myself something.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:Right, I would always. I always do this thing in my head where I'm like well, yeah, I want that, but do I really need it?
Speaker 1:Because yeah but why are you asking yourself that? Because, because, let me explain my process. Right.
Speaker 2:So I would say that to myself and I'd be like, well, you know, my daughter needs this, this and I got this coming up. Oh well, you know what? I haven't done nothing for my wife for a while, you know, like because't want to do what you do? Yeah, no, zero entrance.
Speaker 1:Nada.
Speaker 2:Okay, we get the point. Nothing, she would be at daycare.
Speaker 1:I'm not doing it Back to Mel. She would be at daycare.
Speaker 2:I'm not doing it right. So I do think that for that point, like carving, so I've learned to like feed myself in different ways, right? So at first it was like committing to the gym and it was like, okay, no, I'm gonna play my video games or I'm gonna do this on Saturday, like, like I remember I used to always have a hard stance of like if I work Sunday, I'm not doing anything Saturday, right, like I don't care what you have planned. Right, this is my last day. I'm going to do what I want to do, and if you have plans that I'm not okay with, well, just understand that. Hey, because my, because my brain used to work, hey, friday is family day. I'm going to spend all day Friday with you guys, so y'all can leave me the hell alone.
Speaker 2:I'm going to do what y'all want to do. I'm going to put my smile on. I'm going to take y'all to these restaurants because, lord knows, my girls like to eat out. They like to order something. Okay.
Speaker 1:We like restaurant food Okay.
Speaker 2:I'm going to do that.
Speaker 1:We like the atmosphere of not being at home.
Speaker 2:I'm going to do that and then I may give you a little time Saturday morning. But come Saturday about noon daddy shuts it down From noon until it's time for me to clock in on Sunday. It's about me and so I used to. That used to be a hard line. I'm not, as it's not as hard line as it used to be, because Our schedules Because of our schedules.
Speaker 2:Not only because our schedules are different and because it just you know, through my therapy and all that I really do appreciate that, finding out that a lot of my happiness comes from being with you. I don't want to give you too much credit, but it comes from being being with you because it does, like you have, like like part of it, like another, like one of the points here, like you have developed a space to where I can be vulnerable with you to a degree. I'm not I can't say I can be fully vulnerable, but I can be vulnerable with you to a degree. And I do also understand that if I need to be an optometrist or be solo or have time to myself, you're willing to give that to me because you understand. So I do feel like we've done a good job of balancing out each other's needs with our own individual personalities, all the while still trying to throw in the work-life balance, also trying to throw in our self-care and, at the same time, being supportive to each other and what we need from each other.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I also think I know that some people think that if you both are kind of like doing your own thing, it can kind of create space and you maybe like grow apart, because what's what's the point if he's going to do his own thing and I'm going to do my own thing? But in my mind I feel like that makes things like stronger. I feel like that brings us together because because we have something to talk about.
Speaker 2:We have something to talk about.
Speaker 1:Right, we have something to talk about. We have something to talk about right, and not only that, it's. It's like, if you are, if there's only one person in the relationship who has their sense of independence and who's like pursuing new goals, who's trying new things, who's on a fitness journey, who's and then if you're not, and you're over there and you're not doing anything, that's just for yourself, of course it's going to feel like distance is growing, because you see your person over there and it looks like they're on this path that doesn't include you at all, because you don't, you haven't created a path for yourself, so now that's going to feel like distance.
Speaker 1:So, that's why I think it's really important that we don't have to grow apart, because my biggest thing is we are individual people who are making a choice to be in a relationship that's all marriage is that's how you're choosing where I'm choosing to stay to I'm.
Speaker 1:I'm choosing to be here, I'm choosing to be making it easy bye, because but just because I'm choosing to be here doesn't mean that I have to sacrifice so much of myself, right, that I'm just unrecognizable to myself. Because I also truly, in my hearts of hearts, believe that the relationship that I'm choosing to be in is also growing me into the person that I desire to be. Oh, ok.
Speaker 2:No, she says something nice about me y'all.
Speaker 1:Oh, because.
Speaker 2:I am allowing her to metamorphosis into the lovely butterfly. She needs to be, and she is going to spread her wings.
Speaker 1:I know that. I know that for me I could. I could be good on my own, okay.
Speaker 2:Hold on now.
Speaker 1:I could I if I needed to be. I could be good on my own. I enjoy my time. Listen here. Most people may not. Some people will only understand this. Only a small group of people understand this. I enjoy me. Me too. I enjoy myself. I enjoy have a problem going to a, to a movie by myself, to go take myself out to a restaurant. I have no problem being in the house by myself. I have no problem being locked in a closet by myself with my Kindle and a cup of tea. It does. It is enjoyable. Okay, I don't have a problem with myself, I will say this, but I love. I love that I get to cohabitate with you.
Speaker 2:I will say this I have that to a degree.
Speaker 1:I know, and that's where we differ.
Speaker 2:After about 36 hours you're over it.
Speaker 1:I need my wife you're over it.
Speaker 2:Where's my person?
Speaker 1:like I, and now and I do I I miss you guys, like everything like that. Like I, I love you guys to death, but I also have never really had a problem. But this tea is good. It's doing it for me. I've never had a problem being in a quiet space by myself. That's never. That's never been a problem.
Speaker 1:Like, but I am am extremely grateful and blessed that I don't have to, like, live that way. You know, um, but that just you know. Just going back to say that I enjoy having my sense of self and I think that's what it is Like. Everybody needs to have their sense of self, um, my sense of self-worth, and what I know that I can do for myself, what I know, that how I can enrich someone else's life through through my knowledge, through, like me, being a friend, through what, through, whatever the case is, you know, like I like having something that is that I have built or something that I know I only I can give. You know what I'm saying, like that sense of independence. I love that you're on your own journey with health and fitness. I'm on my own journey with health and fitness and because we're on our individual journeys, we have things to talk about, because we're both on two completely different paths.
Speaker 2:Completely different paths.
Speaker 1:Completely different paths.
Speaker 2:You trying to move the rock mountain.
Speaker 1:I'm trying to be big bro.
Speaker 2:You trying to move the mountain, I'm just trying to walk up, walk out.
Speaker 1:See Two different, two different, two different things.
Speaker 2:So let me tell me, give me your thoughts about this. This is the statement it says the strength of a modern marriage isn't measured by how intertwined two lives are, but how much freedom each partner feels to grow individually while choosing every day to grow together. Yeah, I think. I think we do a good job of that.
Speaker 1:I think, I think we're on the path of that.
Speaker 2:I do, I do, I really do Because think. I think we're on the path of that, I do think I do, I really do, Because you know, we, we, you know we come together and then we do our thing and then we come back.
Speaker 1:And we come back together, yeah.
Speaker 2:And we talk about it and then sometimes sometimes you know I will you, more so than me, are not necessarily afraid to try and venture out, do more new things, but we are also honest with each other.
Speaker 1:That when we come back and talk about it, like, yeah, I tried it, but that ain't for me Because I'm the, I'm the. I'm the person that, for instance, I came to him and I was like one day I was like, babe, I just want you to know that I would be completely and utterly fine with finding remote jobs, selling our house, all of our stuff, putting it all in an RV, and we go on the road. He was like, yeah, no, that's not, that's not going to happen.
Speaker 1:It's not happening. He's like that's not. And I was like, babe, but what my thing is? I remember how I kept telling you I was like but what if we just do something different? What if we just do something so drastic? We're doing something different now.
Speaker 2:But what if we just do something so different from?
Speaker 1:what our upbringing was and just balls to the walls it. But he's very much the. If it's not going to make sense initially and if we can't plan that all the way out and put it on an Excel spreadsheet and put all the P&Ls on there and then put like, if this shit goes a wire, what's going to be the backup plan? It's not going to happen. And me I'm over here like listen, life is a journey. I know it's probably easier said than done, but I just feel like, as long as we got each other I mean, we're going to make something happen and we got enough family around the world I'm really, I'm really convinced that I don't have to be homeless or hungry.
Speaker 1:So I'm just you know, like part of me is just like balls to the walls, but that's where the balance is.
Speaker 2:You reel me in I really do feel like, and I think you will agree, that independence and marriage can coexist like you can, can be independent of one another and still be a collective at the same time. There's ways to achieve that, that if both parties are on board, it is more than attainable, yeah, more than possibly attainable.
Speaker 1:But you know what this just made me think of it? It just made me think of it. It just made me think of something else. I think it's also important to like, encourage and support your partner in doing something that is, for them, right. Because if you are doing all the things right, like you go to work, you pay the bills, you bills you uh, pay the bills bye. You you have your own hobbies, you go out with your friends and stuff like that, and then I just I'm just, I'm just home and I'm just like not doing anything that's.
Speaker 2:That's too.
Speaker 1:That's too much pressure on me that's what I'm saying, and that's what I'm saying you. You, I would think you would be want to be the person, be, be like babe, do something. Why don't? I don't think the approach should be do something to get a friend.
Speaker 2:I don't think happy during the class.
Speaker 1:Bye, but that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:Like babe, is there something you always wanted to do? Like, did you want to go back to school? Because I think that too. What, really, excuse me, made me think about it. I remember, after having fee and I was going through my postpartum, I had the overwhelming, overwhelming feeling of missing myself. And I remember sitting in the backseat with her, while she was in her car seat and I was posting on Facebook and like I'm looking at her face and I'm like, oh, my baby, like lover, love, love, the whole thing. Sitting in the backseat with my baby. But I remember just overwhelmingly feeling like I miss me. But I remember just overwhelmingly feeling like I miss me, Like I it was a legitimate feeling that who I was was so far gone and she was only like eight weeks old or something. But I just remember feeling like damn, like what, what was? What was it like before, before this? You know what I mean. And I remember posting that by.
Speaker 1:I remember posting that and all my friends, like coworkers, friends, everybody was like we know exactly how you feel, but like it will pass You'll, you'll be OK. Once everything settles in Did it pass Eventually.
Speaker 2:Eventually, eventually, but I'm still working on it seven years later.
Speaker 1:Seven years later, you're still working on it. But that's why I think it's so important, because I mean for both men and women, but I do think especially for women you have to just you have to have a sense of self.
Speaker 2:Right, you know what I mean and I think for us that I'm telling you, I I really do, like in retrospect, I really feel like it was a god's sin that time where you went back to work and I was hurt. I got hurt at work, so I was home and so I had her, and so like I kind of went into dealing with some of what you were dealing with, right, because, like I was, I think she was what four or three or four months when you went back to work Four, four months and like so she wasn't really crawling, she wasn't really moving. So like my first month homeward I was like, oh, this is a breeze, put her in a swing, get her some tummy time.
Speaker 1:Feed her every couple of hours. Get her some tummy time. Get her some tummy time. Feed her a couple every couple hours.
Speaker 2:Get her some tummy time. We taking naps together. It's doing good. And then by month six, when she was crawling, I said I don't know what I'm gonna do with her, cause she won't sit still and then you had the laundry right and the house and then she started stealing my food.
Speaker 2:No matter how much food I gave her, she was stealing my food, cause, no matter how much food I gave her, she was still my food and I was like well, the baby got to eat, so I guess I'm just not meant to eat. Bye.
Speaker 1:The baby got to eat.
Speaker 2:Because she didn't like want nothing. But I do feel like that time gave me like the perspective on like no, it's important that, because now I was starting to feel what you felt, like I need some time.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Like just being here all day doing the same thing over and over and, over and over and over, like let me, let me live. At least I will say this, at least once she got like when she was like one, maybe a little over to one, when I could actually take her out, when I could take her to the park and stuff like that that got a little bit better because it wasn't just always in the in the house.
Speaker 2:but my dude, like you would come home. I'd be like, oh thank, I remember I used to call you. Look here, your schedule said you off at 7. You need to be at this door by 8.15. I don't care that you was with a client, I don't care that you had a meeting.
Speaker 1:I don't really care what was going on. You need to be home, either you here by 8.15, or we on our way to you. I'm going to start.
Speaker 2:You remember I told you that. I said I'm going to just start meeting you at the time you're supposed to clock out with your baby, and then we can just meet back at home because you think I'm playing, because you need to clock out. That's how I felt.
Speaker 1:You know what I'm saying, except she was more a newborn newborn.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you were, and where she, yeah, and guess who still gets up. I got to work, so you know, but I got to work. I'm saying like so I understand that and I do think that we are, we, we are a prime example that open communication, mutual support, scheduling time apart, time together is important. Having our individual things that work together, um works well with us. I, you know, I just feel like that we've done a good job of of balancing out lives to where we can um do this thing Well yeah.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:I agree, I agree. I just don't want you to lose yourself and I just don't want to lose. I'm not Cause I to lose yourself and I just don't want to lose mine. I'm not.
Speaker 2:Cause I'm a ninja.
Speaker 1:I ain't going nowhere, baby Okay. I'm trying to be big bro, okay, big bro.
Speaker 2:Okay, big bro, okay, big bro.
Speaker 1:Listen, guys, the whole point.
Speaker 2:To say all of this Is to say she a big bro.
Speaker 1:Is to say no. The whole point in all of this.
Speaker 2:Is I think she want a little. All of this is to say she big bro. It's to say no. The whole point in all of this is I think she want a little dog, she want a big dog. Bye is.
Speaker 1:I think if everyone had more of the concept of feeling like they don't have to lose themselves and they feel that they have the freedom to be themselves and continue to do things that make them happy in their relationship, that you could have a successful relationship. Your relationship would feel more fulfilling because you're still doing you. But the icing on the cake is that you have someone who is genuinely interested in the things that you're interested in, and even if they're not, they're in your corner.
Speaker 2:It's the support. You should not be trying to grow with someone who isn't your biggest Right.
Speaker 1:Right, so that's like friendship. I think that's what we just described. Friendship Because think about a friendship Right Like you my bestie. Yeah, that's basically what it is. It's a friendship foundation. The friendship foundation. There it is, oh.
Speaker 2:Lord.
Speaker 1:There it is, the friendship foundation.
Speaker 2:And your bestie be getting mad when I call you my bestie, but it is what it is, because I'm closer to you than she'll ever be.
Speaker 1:I know, but I've kind of known her yeah.
Speaker 2:Longer, but I've been in you.
Speaker 1:I think that was unnecessary, but Uh-huh, but it was the truth. Yeah, it was yeah. Yes, it was yeah. All right, guys, let's head on into our two cents. Our two cents. What do we have today?
Speaker 2:I don't know Probably some mess. Some what Some mess. Let's see Some mess. Some what Some mess. Let's see Some mess. We got some mess today.
Speaker 1:It's this one. Let's see what do we have today? Am I the asshole for telling my fiance that I won't help pay the mortgage?
Speaker 2:Yes, I want to hear it.
Speaker 1:You don't even know what the story is, because I need help. It says for some background, I'm a 29 year old female and my fiance, who's 30. We've been together for 10 years. We had a baby back in 2020 and I lost my job. Around the same time, our lease to our apartment was up and my grandma offered for us to move in with her, so we did. We basically had our own little apartment, rent free. That's living a life.
Speaker 1:I had thrown the idea of going to school out there and everyone agreed it was a good idea. My fiance paid for it and my grandma watched the baby while I went to class. I graduated this semester. I did part-time for a couple of semesters. My fiance has been making 90K a year for the past couple of years and 70K when he first moved in. He's saved a good amount of money. We agreed to wait until we got married, until I finished school and we could buy a house together. We've been looking at houses more seriously for the past couple of months and found one we both loved.
Speaker 1:We started talking to a mortgage broker and that's when he dropped the bomb on being him and only him on the mortgage and the deed. He said that I wouldn't have anything to do with it. I didn't say anything in the meeting, but afterwards I told him that I thought we were buying the house together and I'd pay half the mortgage. He said that I would be paying half the mortgage but my name just wouldn't be on it. So I told him that would mean I'd have no right to the house. And he said I know. He said, since he saved the 40% down, that it's only fair that he has all rights to the house.
Speaker 1:In case we decided to end things, I told him that if that's what he wants to do, then I'm not paying the mortgage. I said that this isn't a partnership and if he wants his own place, that's fine, but I'm not paying for it. He called me a bitch, saying that he paid for everything for the past few years, including my schooling. I told him that I stayed home and watched our child so we didn't have to pay for daycare and that ended up saving us tons of money, since I would have been the only only able to work part time. He said he didn't care and that I need to pay for half, since I already agreed to it. So am I the asshole for refusing to pay half the mortgage? No, that's wild.
Speaker 2:I was on the side at the beginning.
Speaker 1:Shut up. I was on the side at the beginning and then.
Speaker 2:When I got the details, that's wild.
Speaker 1:First of all, let me say this no, what's wild is no, what's wild is he actually told her the reason why he wasn't putting her on the house. I understand where he's coming from, but I don't.
Speaker 2:No, I understand where he's coming from, but it's wild. Yeah, it is wild, let me say this One um, apparently you want, you've met, you've had a child with this woman.
Speaker 1:And they're engaged to be married.
Speaker 2:You got to engage to be married, right? Regardless of who's putting the money down once you're married, whether she's on the deed or not, it's communal property, especially if she's been making, helping you make payments, if she can prove that.
Speaker 1:If her money goes towards the household.
Speaker 2:So your logic is already flawed, right? So your logic is already flawed Right now. I understand you not wanting to. You believe you're protecting yourself because you, because he probably feels like look, I've saved the 40 percent down.
Speaker 1:But we lived with my grandmother.
Speaker 2:Right, but he's saying. But he's saying not only did I say that, the 40 percent to put down, I've also carried you in your schooling for the last however many years. Yeah, so that is probably his reason. He's felt like well, this is like in his mind. He's thinking well, the least you could do is just let the house be in my name, absolutely not.
Speaker 1:This is a purchase that we first of all listen here.
Speaker 2:I didn't say I agree with him.
Speaker 1:No, I know, but what I'm saying is is, when we get into this whole thing where people are cohabitating together, they are procreating together. Now we're engaged to be married. I'm always going to be under the assumption that any major steps in our life that we take and we're still together, we're going to be doing it together. So there's not going to be. You're just the one who saved the 40, the 40 percent down payment. Ok, so you proved to me that you can save money, manage money and pay for our household, thank you.
Speaker 1:Now I feel more secure, but what you're not going to do is try to make it seem like what you do is yours and it's all just yours and and pretend like what whatever I did do to contribute for you to get there is nothing. Because you act like that, you were just able to go out there and save your 40% down payment, making your 90 K a year Like you were, like you was out here also paying bills, because you weren't. That was the only. The only way you were able to save that so fluidly is because you we didn't have any major responsibilities outside our child, because my grandmother allowed us to live there rent free, which also means you probably weren't paying nothing but crumbs to be there, which means you should have more than that 40% off.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:My thing is this I feel like I would question his reason for wanting to marry her.
Speaker 1:Oh, it's probably because they had the baby.
Speaker 2:Is it?
Speaker 1:And it's the facade.
Speaker 2:Is it the baby? It's probably the baby. Do you want a wife, or do you want to, or do you want to be a husband?
Speaker 1:Or he probably, or she had, they had the baby Right and now he's feeling like big cheese because he he feeling himself, because he's financially on a good plateau.
Speaker 2:We're on a good platform.
Speaker 1:Exactly, exactly, exactly.
Speaker 2:I married to the wrong family.
Speaker 1:Because things is going to get real when that mortgage hit all the utilities your car, your baby, your wife, and then just daily stuff.
Speaker 2:I don't care, ma'am, you're not the asshole and he's only making 90K Hold on. Let me say something.
Speaker 1:I'm like wait a minute, because he only making 90K, hold, hold on. Let me say something I'm like wait a minute, cause he only making 90k, hold on, cause I see, I see, I see how six figures go. So baby, stop it. So baby, like he's gonna have to, he's gonna have to pipe down a little bit.
Speaker 2:Look here, this is wild, that's crazy work, that's crazy work.
Speaker 1:That's crazy work, that he would say the least the least you could do is. Let me have that and then call her a bitch. I think audacity is like, it's like 99 off, so everyone's buying it, like everyone's everyone's getting audacity because it's so cheap.
Speaker 1:Um, audacity went down so it's like super cheap now. So, like everyone has it, everyone has it and obviously he bought like extra of the audacity. Yeah, okay, crazy work. Um, okay, am I the asshole for telling my mother-in-law that she made her choice when she chose to keep seeing my husband's ex? Okay, I'm a 33-year-old female. My husband, tom, who's 35, have been no contact with most of his family for three years. Within those three years, I've had twin boys, which has made my mother-in-law try to get back in contact with us. There's a lot of history, but here's a brief summary of why Tom and I are no contact at all and resolves around Tom's ex, who we'll call Talia. So I'm an Indian American and Tom is white.
Speaker 1:He comes from a pretty traditional family and grew up in a small town. Talia was mother, was mother-in-law's best friend's daughter, and they were the small town romance everybody envied. However, upon meeting in college, tom and I clicked on a platonic level and, to be honest, I didn't even have feelings for Tom until our four dates in. I guess you could say that he had an emotional affair, but he never did anything physically romantic until he broke up with Talia. Talia, of course, remained in contact with his family since she had been, according to the mother-in-law, the daughter she always wanted. Keep in mind Tom has a sister, but Talia is more of a homemaker, while my sister-in-law, who is an absolute angel, and I have always been more career-focused. Talia had been at every holiday, family gathering and get together since the very start of Tom and I's relationship and at first I paid it no mind. I was silver to Talia because my mother-in-law made it clear Talia mattered to her, despite Talia's blatant distaste and disrespectful attitude towards me. That changed at my wedding. We had two. My parents footed the bill for both.
Speaker 1:The dress code was simple. Aside from the obvious no white slash wedding party colors rule, nobody was supposed to wear red. I am well aware that red means you have slept with the groom but, more importantly, red is a bridal color in my culture. I wore a red langa I think that's how you say it and sari to my Indian wedding, which she wore in eggshell off-white dressed. To keep in mind, white is worn at funerals to represent purity in my culture. That got my aunts and cousins talking, but I still had a blast since I really didn't care.
Speaker 1:I did care when she showed up to my American ceremony in a floor length apple red gown with a slit going straight up her leg. It was a bridesmaid's dress and it violated the dress code. My sister-in-law, along with Tom, went to tell her to change. She did leave after having a hushed argument and came back in a tea-length green gown. I assumed she wanted to see if she could get away with it. Apparently, my aunts saw right through that too, which meant Talia was subjected to stares, whispers and backhanded giggle fits throughout my whole American ceremony. It made Talia feel embarrassed and she cried to my mother-in-law, who went to me and told me to quote unquote keep my kind in line To this. I crossed my arms and told her that maybe Talia should have stayed in her lane, that she knew not to wear red for multiple reasons, but mostly cultural reasons, and it wasn't my fault that my family was shaming her. It isn't my fault that she became the folder for gossip and gaggle of the family. Those were the consequences of her actions. Tom and my sister-in-law backed me up and my mother-in-law left with Talia before the dessert.
Speaker 1:The next day there was a social media post from Talia crying about how she was exiled from her best friend's wedding. Because the bride was so jealous, I made a post back telling her that she wore red, knowing how inappropriate it was, how her best friend is her ex and to not sugarcoat what she had did. I then tagged my mother-in-law in a separate post with screenshots of Talia's post and told her that this was the last straw and that I have been disrespected by Talia from the very beginning of our relationship and that now that I was her daughter-in-law, she needed to keep Talia away from family events and holidays, since she doesn't respect my husband and I. I didn't care if they still went on their weekly shopping sprees and day spas, just keep her away from Christmas and barbecues. Talia removed her post after being publicly called out.
Speaker 1:My mother-in-law was good on this compromise until three years ago, after Talia came to Thanksgiving with a pie and a plastered smile, a Thanksgiving that I was hosting. She said something along the lines of my mother-in-law invited me and I wanted to make sure my mother-in-law could me, and I wanted to make sure my mother-in-law could actually eat something, since I know you tend to cook ethnic food. I slammed the door in her face and went over to my mother-in-law and told her that she could also leave with Talia, who I just slammed the door on. Tom looked at his mom, who had this deer caught in headlights look. She tried to sputter out excuses and my father-in-law tried to defend my mother-in-law but Tom stood firm. He said that he had, that she had lost access to him and any extension of him since they continuously choose Talia. My in-laws left and we haven't spoken since.
Speaker 1:Fast forward to last week. I got a text from an unknown number and it was my mother-in-law. She said she saw a picture of the boys from a mutual friends post and wanted to reconcile. Fast forward to last week, I got a text from an unknown number and it was my mother-in-law. She said she saw a picture of the boys from a mutual friend's post and wanted to reconcile. She said she'd keep Talia away this time and that ever since she got cut off she's been in minimal contact with Talia. Anyway. I told her as much, saying that I saw BS when I smelled it and that she made her choice.
Speaker 1:I told Tom about it and asked if he missed his family, and he just shrugged and said that he didn't care and it's been relieving not to have to deal with his mom and have her around, but I have since received texts from my brother-in-laws and their wives and my father-in-law begging for a second chance. She's always wanted to be a grandmother and I do feel like I'm robbing her of that chance. Her other sons have not had children yet and my sister-in-law also cut her off when we did. But you can't undo a nearly decade of disrespect with wishes and wants, and Talia is still in the picture, so I'm skeptical about how long the promise will last. I feel like I'm being callous, but there are so many stories I can tell about Talia's disregard for Tom's boundaries and mind, and I don't want to welcome a storm into my house by opening up the gates. So am I the asshole for telling my mother-in-law that she made her choice after she kept my husband's ex around? Not at all.
Speaker 2:And shout out to Tom for saying that to his mom.
Speaker 1:She said Tom stood firm, sit your ass down. Tom was like listen here, tom, my type of guy, we're done, I can do something. I played that whole scene in my head at dinner. Tom walked up to his mom and he was like you know what? We're done, you got to go, we're done. You're done with me. Any extension of me. Dad, take her home, you're done. That was it. Get out of my house. That was it, because what you're not going to do, she's not my girlfriend anymore.
Speaker 2:She is my wife. I need you to roll on out. Look here.
Speaker 1:And he already going into a different multicultural. So he knows, tom know he better play his cards, right, tom? Know, he better play his cards right.
Speaker 2:Because Tom is going to end up somewhere on that reservation by himself. As someone Tom know he better play his cards, right, tom going to end up somewhere on that reservation by himself. Bye, as someone who has had to stand up and say look here, this is who I've chosen. You either with it or you ain't. You either with me or against me, but you're going to respect her, and if you can't respect her, you got to go. I stand firmly on that. This is my choice.
Speaker 2:Look, here I'm going to stand behind him on his shoulder like this and be like I don't, I don't know what it is about these, these moms like this that don't understand that once your son has made a choice, regardless of your feelings, you have to honor and respect that choice. Yeah, because if he's made that choice, that woman is in his ear more than you will ever be in his ear. Yeah, and if you keep, poking the bear.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you play stupid games, you win super awards.
Speaker 2:You win super awards. Now you want to be grandma, and then you got to be grandma from afar.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you don't like it, and I think that's the part that they don't really be thinking about. They don't. It's like when your kids go off and get married and they get partners and you try to uh, keep up, keep up the whole. You don't like their partner, that's fine, but just think about like it's it's your, your child and their partner and their kids. So if you don't like my partner, what makes you think you're going to be around here up in these kids face, like I don't want to keep you from your grandchildren, but you also need to be. You need to be an adult and be respectful.
Speaker 2:And my thinking is this If I'm the woman in this situation, if you don't like me, by extension, you can't like my kids.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you don't like my kids Because my kids come from me. Yeah, but she's only thinking about the part of her son. You know what I'm saying?
Speaker 2:Yeah, but they're my kids. Yeah, they're still my children, and what's not going to happen is what I guarantee you I'm not going to allow to happen.
Speaker 1:Is you be talking bad about me in front of my kids?
Speaker 2:You're not going asshole. Yeah, I tell grandma, granny kick rocks, you know what I would do.
Speaker 1:Granny, granny, kick rocks. That's, that's crazy work.
Speaker 2:I sent her. I sent her a Christmas card every year with the boys on it.
Speaker 1:Well, at least she would, at least she can hang up the picture. So she gets to see them, yep, and I will make sure that they're always dressed in their culture. Culture attire.
Speaker 2:And to the brother and to the brother-in-law and to the brother-in-laws, um, um shut up To the brother-in-laws and their wives. Yeah, Shut up. You used to have contact with her. So if y'all want to get together and see the kids, y'all can go over there, Y'all. Mama done fucked up.
Speaker 1:So I get it Well apparently the only one they talk to and that they're cool with is the sister-in-law. No, no, the brothers and the brother's wives were calling her basically to tell her that she was wrong for keeping the kids away from mom, and none of them have kids. Oh, fuck them. The only people that have kids is Tom and his sister-in-law, but the sister-in-law she cut them off too, because she was tired of their BS too, so not only did you get cut off from your son, you got cut off from your daughter too.
Speaker 1:That's work.
Speaker 2:That's crazy. As a man who was clearly married, that's crazy work that, once you get married, the family that you are creating is far more important than the family you come from. So there is no family member alive that I am related to that will ever have the possibility to get in between me and what my family is doing and who my family is. Yeah, so Well, guys. I know, we know that was a long one. She picked it. This has been an episode of Life After I Do, Do, do do, do, do.
Speaker 1:If you're not doing so already. You need to follow us on all of our social media platforms. At Life After I Do. At Life After I Do Podcast, you can also write into the podcast. At Life After I Do Podcast. At gmailcom, you get a new episode every Wednesday.
Speaker 2:Every Wednesday Good and not the show.
Speaker 1:And don't forget to like, comment and share. Don't be one of those weird people that are always looking at our tiktoks and instagram and don't follow. We see you, okay, don't be weird, just follow, love you until next time, peace booskies.
