Life After I Do Podcast
Marriage and relationships can be tough. You may feel like you’re the only one struggling but you’re not. Life After I do is a weekly podcast where Morice and Kynesha, a black married millennial couple, share their experiences and advice on everything from kids and family to intimacy and connection. Noting is off limits.
In their 24 years together and 10 years of marriage, Morice and Kynesha have learned a lot about what it takes to make a relationship work. They know the importance of communication, trust and commitment. They also know it’s okay to not have it all figured out.
Join them every Wednesday as they talk about their own journey of “Life After I do”.
Life After I Do Podcast
The Ego Effect
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
What IS the male ego—and why does it cause so much friction in relationships? In this powerful episode of Life After I Do, Kynesha and Morice dive deep into the psychology behind ego, identity, and connection in love.
With our signature mix of humor and heart, we break down:
🔹 How the male ego often ties to feeling respected, desired, and capable
🔹 Why many women feel pressured to dim their light to make their partner feel secure
🔹 The difference between manipulating your partner’s ego vs. honoring their essence
💬 “Do I have to stroke his ego to keep the peace?”
We explore this tricky question and how the most resilient relationships uplift BOTH partners—without one person having to shrink.
💡 Small gestures, like making a sandwich after a long day or that wild balcony moment on vacation (you’ll want to hear this!), can mean the world when they come from a place of genuine recognition and appreciation.
🔥 In our “Two Cents” segment, we tackle a story that will have you speechless:
A man gets left for an “alpha male,” only for his wife to return when the fantasy crumbles.
💔 Should he take her back?
💥 Is forgiveness strength—or self-sabotage?
The debate gets real, and we don’t hold back.
This episode will challenge how you view your partner's ego—and your own. Whether you're navigating love, rebuilding trust, or just trying to understand each other better, this conversation will leave you with clarity, tools, and laughs.
👥 Join the convo on social @LifeAfterIDoPodcast and let us know:
Where do YOU draw the line between compassion and self-respect?
Thanks for rocking with us! Don’t forget to follow Life After I Do so you never miss an episode. Got a relationship situation you want us to weigh in on? Hit us at https://linktr.ee/lifeafteridopodcast — we just might talk about it in a future episode.
both parties need to be validated.
Episode Introduction and Banter
Speaker 2Yeah, it's about mutual uplifting. Exactly that's what it's healthy ego, the foundation of leadership and love and protection, and that should work for both men and women, for you and your partner. It's not just one or the other but, like I said, I think for, I think for me, from my perspective. The ego thing where I say that it has a bigger role on your side than it does my side is because I can see sometimes the emotional aspect that gets rolled up into ego for men versus women. Hey, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Life After I Do. How y'all find people doing out there today. How y'all doing, how y'all doing, I'm trying Dr Now I'm trying. Leave her alone, I'm trying. I think I have found her on TikTok too. I came across one of her videos on TikTok.
Speaker 1All I know is that.
Speaker 2What was her name?
Speaker 1again, the lie detector has determined she did not try.
Speaker 2She did try, it was hard.
Speaker 1We do not care.
Speaker 2That's not true. Have you ever been 600 pounds?
Speaker 1No, I felt 600 pounds.
Speaker 2Yeah, not the same.
Speaker 1I've been halfway there though.
Speaker 2No, you weren't. Yeah, I was halfway there. Babe, you were never 300 pounds. Okay, you weren't 300 pounds. Stop trying to make something. Your struggle and it wasn't your struggle. The 300 pound gang was not your struggle, okay.
Speaker 1The 280s.
Speaker 2290s was your struggle, but not the 3s.
Speaker 1It never said 300, but it said, it said 290 something it said 298. That's damn near 300. Demille.
Speaker 2The male you ain't never got on no scale. That said 298.
Speaker 1I will show you the record. I will show you the record.
Speaker 2You have to show me because how was your week?
Speaker 1Because I see, I see where this is going. Some of us is feeling better.
Speaker 2What.
Speaker 1Some of us is doing great. Oh, some of us is feeling better what Some of us is doing great. Oh, some of us is doing great.
Speaker 2Talk about it, Bishop. Speak on it. You know what my jewels Speak on it? Tell me, tell me about your week. I want to hear about this. It was a week. It was a week, yeah, okay, tell me about it.
Speaker 1You know, I'm um. You cannot sound so damn somber you know, I've just been a lot of thinking and processing as I approached 39, oh my gosh. You know, thinking about some of the decisions I made and I I probably should have put a little more thought in some things and probably a little less thought in others. Yeah, it's a balance you know it's a part of growing. Yeah, it's just. I'm not going to say that I'm not happy where I'm at. I'm just going to say that I always have a longing for more.
Speaker 2Listen as a human, that's never going to end as a human that's never going to end. Even when you get what you think you want, you still going to be like damn. But I could do it a little bit more, a little bit more. How was your week, though it?
Speaker 1was busy.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1Yeah, a lot of stuff.
Speaker 2So much stuff that you can't even talk about it, right? A lot of stuff.
Speaker 1I mean anniversary. Kid went to state. A lot of money spent, transmission went out.
Speaker 2Life, life was life, life was life.
Speaker 1I went to therapy and didn't even have an appointment. That's how much, that's how tired I've been.
Speaker 2Had to pay for gymnastics camp, and then the transmission went out right diabolical crazy work diabolical crazy work.
Speaker 1You ever had to text your therapist. Hey, we gotta, we got a session today.
Speaker 2Are you trying to? Are you trying to manipulate her into? Because I was like I'm waiting on the books? And she was like you're not on the books today, sir.
Speaker 1She was like you're not on the books today, sir, she was like no, that's next Friday.
Speaker 2I said damn my bad, I wouldn't be upset if we kind of pushed it up.
Speaker 1But I mean because I had already told her. I said, life is lifin'.
Speaker 2Okay, so if you could throw an extra bone, if you got any motivation to send this way.
Speaker 1I take it because I was sending you motivation. Don't be acting like I'm chopped liver over here. First of all, like we discussed earlier, your ratio to ego stroking you will literally shit on me all day oh my gosh, I do not shit on you.
Weekly Updates and Family Life
Speaker 2All day you come for me and then, when I defend myself, you want to act like a wounded puppy okay, see not the same thing. Now I'm a puppy. I just said you were a puppy.
Speaker 1I said you want to act like you're a wounded puppy when I defend myself contrary to popular belief, all I ever do around here is try to make good decisions for my family.
Speaker 2He's so perfect? I'm not perfect, he's so perfect, lord knows. I'm not he, just he. He don't take no l's. He don't do no wrong. I don't take no l's. I took four this week.
Speaker 1He don't do no wrong I took four l's this week. Hold on. Not only that, and then I almost crushed myself with a dumbbell today in the gym well, that was your own fault yeah, no, it was his left shoulder it was acting up.
Speaker 2damn, it's always a left shoulder. Yeah, it's always a left, was his left shoulder. It was acting up? Damn, it's always a left shoulder yeah. It's always a left shoulder, it's my left one too. Yeah, was your right one performing, and then your left one was like hmm, well, here's the thing.
Speaker 1Like I said, it's my left shoulder on pressing movements. Yes, it's my right shoulder on raises. Really, yeah.
Speaker 2Huh, are your elbows flared when you're doing pressing movements?
Speaker 1No, maybe you need to flare them. Maybe you need to be the opposite. Okay, you're not my trainer, so, yeah, I took it on in Do you see what I mean.
Speaker 2I'm trying to be a helpful mate, I'm offering advice, and then what does he do? He turns me down. He gets dismissive Right, so Dismissive right. So what am I supposed to do with that? I'm not being dismissive.
Speaker 1What am I?
Speaker 2supposed to do? I just offered you advice, and what was your response to my advice? You basically said just shut the fuck up. That's not what I said.
Speaker 1That's literally what you said. First of all, she was referencing something she was telling me earlier, right?
Speaker 2So I was offering you I listened to her. Boom, you didn't.
Speaker 1So, anyway, if she knew anything, she would know that, see, see, and this is what I mean. Can I finish my statement?
Speaker 2No, no, you can't finish your statement.
Speaker 1See, this is what I mean.
Speaker 2If she knew anything.
Speaker 1She would have known that I tried the lift flaring my arms before and that was not comfortable.
Speaker 2If that was true, then that could have been his response. His response could have been oh yeah, I actually tried it that way too, and I still get the same Two things can be true at the same time no no, you see what I mean, guys. How was?
Speaker 1your way, do you see?
Speaker 2what I mean. He's being a butthole.
Speaker 1And then when I turn on that same butthole energy, then he wants to run and, like you know, behave like a I really, I really thought this was gonna be a good episode because you can't not hear and I was like, oh, that lip is giving. But I see now that, because you you looking real poetic justice s today. Oh, thank you. You know you got your hat on with your break. I mean, they're not the braids janet had no, they're not the braids.
Speaker 1You got your dark, you got your dark lip, I'll mean they're not the braids that Janet had. No, they're not the braids that Janet, had you got your dark lip. I see where she was going.
Speaker 2Thanks, I actually just ran out of edge control, so I thought Throw the hat on.
Speaker 1Throw the hat on because, because I was going to ask you to keep that on and give me a I Get so Lonely lap dance after this. I get so lonely, it's not going to happen. She say that it's not going to happen. What you won't do, what Another heffa wood.
Speaker 2Oh, really Go find her. Maybe she'll give us both one.
Speaker 1I ain't got the time to look.
Speaker 2It ain't that hard. You have a cell phone, get on Instagram. I'm sure we can find a local hoe.
Speaker 1My cell phone has been busy. Did you hear me? Yeah, I heard you. I'm sure we can find a local home. I mean, if you want Figueroa trees, there's a lot of them.
Speaker 2I know, but I mean there's like right at your fingertips. It's not just.
Speaker 1Figueroa, it's Long Beach Boulevard. Damn, I think I got a problem, huh, because I know where they at.
Speaker 2Wow, tell me what you really be doing on those truck drives.
Speaker 1I know.
Speaker 2Mm-hmm. Why you know all the hot spots? Eh, because it's hilarious. It's not hilarious, it's people trying to live their lives. Babe, that could make more money than only pens Um.
Speaker 1I forgot what I was saying. I know?
Speaker 2Well, you were trying to tell me about your week until you got really disrespectful. Yes, yes, yeah, when I was trying to be a helpful partner and offer advice, but it's been a long week. Okay, what were your victories this week? Let's not harp on such negativity. What were your wins? That's what I want to know. What were your wins?
Speaker 1My win is that, no matter what hit me, I kept walking forward.
Speaker 2That's right, that's great. That's it. You got a piece of cotton on your eyelash that's going to ruin your life in about two seconds. Let me get that for you. What else was your win?
Speaker 2that's it really I can name other wins for you. Go ahead and name them. You got to watch your, your kid, performing her first state competition. That was a win. We started off high. You were there, we started off high. What you're not gonna do is play my baby. You're not gonna play my baby. She had a great. She had a great experience she stumbled a little bit but we did walk away with hardware. She had a great experience. We walked away with hardware, okay, so and what else um what other wins you think I?
Speaker 2got spending time with your family always.
Speaker 1That's a win for y'all, because y'all with me.
Speaker 2Okay, you see what I mean Moving on, moving on. I don't have time. I really do my best to when my husband is in a negative state to not let his negativity brush off on me when I'm trying to just push positivity and put a good foot forward.
Speaker 1Look here, I'm not nothing, but just like push positivity and put a good foot forward.
Speaker 2Look here, okay, I am trying. But he, when he sees the efforts, his brain doubles down.
Speaker 1Look here, I've done nothing, okay but persevere uh-huh and hype you up all week. Every time you send me a video, you in the gym, go, best friend, that's my best friend every time the mail.
Speaker 2I've been hyping you up, but it.
Speaker 1I tell you you look good all the time. Mm-hmm, I try to get you to spread them cheeks all the time. Oh my gosh, I try to provide for you all the time. Oh my gosh.
Defining the Male Ego
Speaker 2Well, good thing, we're talking about your wins and your weak. What are your wins? But if you have nothing else to tell us about a highlight of your week, tell us about your week and it just sounds like your week was just doom and gloom, and it's just like it wasn't doom and gloom, it was life.
Speaker 1It's just like a terrible week to be a man like first of all, I don't know if there's to be a man.
Speaker 2Oh well, a human having a human experience.
Speaker 1Because they're all the same. It's just more bullshit.
Speaker 2Oh, that's a perspective issue.
Speaker 1Some weeks you get more bullshit than others, but there's always some type of bullshit that's a perspective issue. I never said my week was bad. I just said I persevered. Life was lifin'. You know I expect to have that. Yeah, you, you know what I mean. You know certain things came up that derailed my plans of what I wanted to do this week and I just made, I tried to make the best of them.
Speaker 2That's it. You made lemonade out of your lemons.
Speaker 1Did you put sugar in it? I wouldn't say lemonade.
Speaker 2Okay.
Speaker 1What did you make? I had a lemon drink.
Speaker 2I wouldn't say lemonade, lemon drink. So does that mean it had no water or no sugar? It had water, no sugar, or was it made with like equal, a little Splenda. It's Splenda's good. Now, if you were to say equal, or what's the other, what's the pink packet, not Stevia? That's the green packet, what's? Uh, oh my gosh.
Speaker 2Oh gosh, sweet and Low is so terrible. I just don't understand how people can use Sweet and Low. If you use Sweet and Low, I mean God bless you. God bless you because that's some terrible. You know what.
Speaker 1I will say this One thing I realized this week is that what made me kind of feel good is that my daughter believes I'm rich.
Speaker 2I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. She believes.
Speaker 1I said well she. I said obviously Peter says we have it.
Speaker 2So but then when you come up with it, is she wrong?
Speaker 1That's the problem. I keep coming up with it.
Speaker 2Is she wrong? She's not necessarily wrong. If you keep making it happen, then she'd be like happen Then she'd be like she'd be like drops mic.
Speaker 1And that's the thing I gotta stop making it happen.
Speaker 2Oh Well, that affects you too, sir yeah.
Speaker 1I will say I did get a couple good nights of sleep this week.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1You were snoring. I was so mentally exhausted I had nothing else. I couldn't do nothing else.
Speaker 2You had nothing else in the tank.
Speaker 1Huh, that was it, that was it, that was it.
Speaker 2So you might as well just put it all in dreamland. Did you have dreams? Yeah, how often. I mean, I hear that you dream every night, but did you have a dream that you could remember?
Speaker 1No, I did not.
Speaker 2Yeah, I just, I had a dream the other night, well, last last night, yeah, last night, and I was only able to remember the first half of it and I was telling you in the car.
Speaker 2It was a really weird dream and I think it's because, like, we have the car in the shop right now getting fixed, and so I had a dream that we had went and looked at different cars and he and the car dealership salesman guy was telling me to get inside this car, excuse me, just to test drive. And I was like, was like, oh no, I don't want to test drive anything, we just got my car fixed, like I love my car, like we're good, and he was like, just get in it and just see if you like it. And I was like, okay, so, um, it was crazy because we were at a subaru dealership and they had me get into a hummer. So I was a little confused. You were dreaming, yeah and yeah, and the crazy part about it is is like I don't even like those cars Cold work the Hummers. Or like the Supra, I don't even like the cars. So it was really crazy.
Speaker 1Maybe because I had showed you the EV Hummer. I was like that was actually nice.
Speaker 2No, because I don't like those either. But in any case, I got in the car, I started looking around. I was like, oh, it is like kind of spacious in here. I was like, but everything feels so like closed in, you know. And then all of a sudden the car started moving forward and directly in front of the car was my car and I was waiting for the Hummer to stop itself because I was like, oh, maybe this is a demonstration to show me that the brakes will engage if it gets too close to another car or something. So I didn't bother pushing down on the brake.
Speaker 2And then it slams into the front of my car Like they go collision, collide, head to head, and then my car falls back into this hole, like that's it. I can't even say that it was like a ditch in the street, it was quite literally a hole in the earth and my car fell, falls back into this hole in the earth. And then there is a big rig coming down the street and I kept thinking, oh my gosh, this big rig, he has to stop, he has to slow down, because if not he's going to hit the side of my car and then my car is just going to go all the way down into the earth. And then like I'm not going to have a car anymore, and so he's coming down the street and I front half of his truck goes in, my car automatically goes in. And then I just remember thinking like, oh my gosh, my car is inside the earth now you want a new car, so bad no, I listen.
Speaker 2I have told you time and time again I genuinely like my car. My car has been great to me up until this little hiccup that she's had right now. But I'm not gonna get on betty white like that, because betty white has been tried and true okay I, I white is what she calls her car I have.
Speaker 2I sought out betty white a whole year before we bought betty white. Okay, I have one. I've've wanted Betty White and I got Betty White and she's been good to me. So I'm going to, you know, remain true to Betty White until she tells me she is ready to retire and hang it up.
Speaker 1Well, she'll be ready to retire in about 2030.
Speaker 2Bye, but anywho, so yeah. So that was my dream, but with my week, if you care to hear. I mean, I know what it was I had a good week, yes, sunshine and rainbows for you always it's not sunshine and rainbows for me, always jerk face, see. See, I said something good and she called me no, because you're trying to be passive aggressive no, I'm trying to be aggressive.
Speaker 1No, I I'm trying to aggressively do something else.
Speaker 2Anywho, got to see Baby Girl at State. That was really fun, was it? It was fun, it was really fun. It was a little nerve wracking, but it was fun. She walked away with some hardware. We got some good footage. Oh, that was fun. She got to see some of her favorite teammates there because they all had different days and times, so she did get be, was able to see some of her teammates who had um an earlier start, so that was really good. Um, you know. Got to spend time with the family, hit, uh, new prs, okay, so that was really fun shout out to in leslie land on instagram yep in les Leslie.
Speaker 2Lynn for showing up with me all week my fab relative. And for getting my PR on record, for recording my PR Hold on.
Speaker 1How do you always get a camera crew?
Speaker 2I don't always get a camera crew. I had my camera set up too, but she got it at a different angle, so her angle was much better than the angle that I was recording at False, but anywho.
Speaker 2So in case anyone cares to know, I'm going to tell you. Anyway, my PR was I hit 300 on my squat. So there you go, there you go, there you go. I just want you guys to see that it's not me. I just want you to see that it's not me. I just want you to see that it's not me. And then when I get into that same headspace, he can't take it. And then he's going to start, he's going to shut down like a hurt puppy because his feelings are going to get hurt because he's over here trying to come for me. But do you see? Do you see? I try.
Speaker 2I try but a second ago he just told you about how he been hyping me up. But then he turns around and he does this.
Speaker 1Don't have me post the text messages. I will post the text messages you can post whatever you want, okay. I have been hyping you up, okay.
Speaker 2Okay, post what you want.
Speaker 1Go, best friend, that's my best friend yeah. He tries to give it, then takes it back. I throw, I throw jabs, you slide, you cut throats. Well, I only difference but.
Speaker 2But the thing is is after 20 plus years. You should know that. So if you still voluntarily walk into the fire, that has nothing to do with me. Fire, yeah, what?
Speaker 1fire. Yeah, you think you're a fire okay you might be a fuse.
Speaker 2Oh, okay, jamil, I'm going to try to be nice For the fire. I'm going to try to be nice, but he is pushing me.
Speaker 1This is how you told me to behave today. He is pushing.
Speaker 2How did I tell you to behave today?
Speaker 1How exactly, Look guys. Before every recording, she tells me to behave. Today he is pushing. How did I tell you to behave today? How exactly, Look guys. How are you behaving? Before every recording, she tells me how to act.
Speaker 2Oh my gosh, why are you such a favorite teller?
Speaker 1So this is me, this is the energy she told me to bring today, and I don't know why she's acting surprised.
Speaker 2I don't know what is wrong with this man, but my baby it's because he is tired or something. Look here, I'm always tired. I don't, don't try to, don't try to hold my, don't try to hold my hand. You're such a hater too. I can't. I don't hate, I can't you're. You're my biggest supporter and hater at the same time I love it.
Speaker 1Support you. I was literally before we recorded. I was literally on the internet looking at lifting shoes for you what I'm hating on you.
Speaker 2Well, I told you which ones I wanted. No, I don't like those. I guess it's a good thing. It's not for your feet.
Speaker 1I guess it's a good thing. It's my money.
Speaker 2It's not. It's our money, not this one, so I guess I'll just order the ones that I want with my bank account.
Speaker 1Okay, I'm done talking right now.
Stroking His Ego: What Men Need
Speaker 2See, this is exactly what we were talking about earlier. I want some cash. I be trying to be nice to you and stroke your ego a little bit, you never stroke my ego. That is not true. You never stroke my ego, that is not true. I stroke my ego. That is not true. I don't. Name ten times I just did this morning. Tell me In the kitchen.
Speaker 1What'd you say?
Speaker 2When? What did you say? And I had responded oh, you were like, you were taking your vitamins.
Speaker 1That wasn't. Stroking my ego. That was just sexual. He was like, oh, I can take the vitamin D Right now too. I said I was just talking about Eagle.
Speaker 2That was just sexual, he was like, oh, I can take that right now too. I said, oh, that was kind of sexy, but that's not what you said. I appreciate that. That's not what you said. I appreciate it. I do stroke your eagle quite a bit, okay, okay. So I'll say this because I can't. I don't know your experience.
Speaker 1Okay, here we go.
Speaker 2Now she okay, here we go. Now she's gonna make it an individual experience.
Speaker 1Go ahead listen here, go ahead, listen here go ahead and woman's playing it.
Speaker 2I'm not gonna woman's playing anything, I'm just saying, like for me, I think I struck your eagle, like quite often, eagle, your ego eagle. I didn't say eagle, I said ego. Oh see, that's what I mean. Mean, you're constantly coming for me, and then what am I supposed to do with that? Just take it yes, no, no, no, no, no, no, shut up. Oh, that hurt I mean that kind of takes me into today, which is, you know, ego like a man's ego, oh, we're talking about oh, my God E god ego the ego effect.
Speaker 1So, guys, this is clearly another episode where my wife wants to tell me something about myself I don't want to tell you anything about yourself and she uses hold on I was talking and she uses the recording as a safe place for her this is so not true she? True.
Speaker 2This came about because we were in the car and we were watching a video. I think it was a video on TikTok or something like that.
Speaker 1I was driving. I don't know what you're talking about.
Speaker 2We were listening together of a video and the video was basically talking about how men, like certain levels of married married men, will not leave their wives and stuff or whatever, and the things that wives do for them not to leave is like, um, the wives stroke their ego. And I had. And I said and his response was you don't stroke my ego enough. And I said I feel like I do, and he was like you don't. And he was like about you? What did you tell me? 90, I'm 90 percent no, I said you.
Speaker 1You got a 10 80 10 split. You stroke my ego 10 percent of the time. You're nice to me the other 10 percent of the time and then I dog on you and you shit on me for 80% of the time.
Speaker 2I do not shit on him.
Speaker 1So when the camera comes on, this is part of the 10% you try to be nice.
Speaker 2Oh my gosh. So you want these people to believe that I shit on you 80% of the time Do you not, I do not.
Speaker 2Okay. Well, let me ask you this why would you be with someone who shits on you 80% of the time? That's crazy work. I wouldn't, I wouldn't be. I'm gonna tell you now, I'm gonna put it on the record. I'm not gonna stay if I felt like I'm being shitted on 80% of the time. Hey, pussy's good, I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna, I'm just not gonna do it because that's just crazy work. You got some. See, what the mail? What the mail? Yes, I'm not putting that on record. What I'm not gonna edit it out? Yeah, you are. You can't say that you're my wife. What I'm not going to edit it out? Yeah, you are. No, I'm not. Yeah, you are. You can't say that You're my wife. I can, you can't, I can. No, you can't. No, I can't. You can't tell people that.
Speaker 1Yes, I do all the time.
Speaker 2You can't tell people that. Well, they know slow now, you know, they know so how do I shit on you 80 of the time? I want to know because I can't, I can't, I can't correct what I don't understand or what I don't know.
Speaker 1So what do I do? You always make fun of me okay and not in the playful way okay, you're mean what do I?
Speaker 2do? What do I do?
Speaker 1first of all, you talk every time I miss, mispronounce something, you point it out, and then you laugh, but you just did that to me, or did you not realize that? Oh no, I did. I did it because you do it to me. No, no, no.
Speaker 2That's not. That's not a thing. It is a thing.
Speaker 1Okay, what else? That's it ways. Hey, it's not 80 of the time.
Speaker 2this is more like no, you already told the people that you're miserable, so let's go ahead and double down on it I am not miserable you already told. You already told the people that you're miserable I am not miserable, so give us the 80 I'm not why.
Speaker 1Why I?
Speaker 2shit on you I mean we're not.
Speaker 1We're being completely honest. I'm not 80 miserable, nor am I 80 happy, uh, but I'm more happy than miserable. You, you're a good woman. Savannah, I'm gonna stick by you.
Speaker 2And then he wondered why. He wonders why his feelings get hurt because my, because my rebuttals to the shit he tries to say ends up hurting his feelings.
Speaker 1And then what he does is he goes he backtracks and says Babe, you know, I was just joking. I was just joking, but you always go for the jugular. You do, you do, you do Always.
Speaker 2Because you're trying to pay my life.
Speaker 1Let me be honest by all means. I think you were being honest I was very the reason why I stay around. I was very honest about that. Um, I would if I had to be like in the car.
Speaker 2I was joking, obviously don't clean it up, if that's how you truly feel I had to feel like I would say, you probably if you had to put a number on it have you stroked my ego?
Speaker 1yes I'll probably give you a quarter percent, like 25 tops that I stroke your ego okay because you don't understand the way I experience you.
Speaker 2I don't understand the way you experience.
Acts of Service and Mutual Support
Speaker 1You really don't 80% of the time, what I experience you, you are like lost in whatever you're focusing on. Okay, and a lot of times I'm not. I, I personally feel I'm not a thought to you. Okay, until you realize I've been gone for a period of time. But you don't go Okay, like work and stuff, oh okay. Or you realize I'm on my way back home, okay. Or you think, oh well, I do have to feed this nigga Like, let me, let me.
Speaker 2Or when I come to you and say something to you like you don't really, that doesn't really make any sense.
Speaker 1Like you don't really be what I any sense because really be who.
Speaker 2What I'm saying is that you don't really interact with me a lot.
Speaker 1I talk to you and interact with you every single day and then a few times a week I really interact with you, so I'm not sure and those few times a week is what's keeping us strong. This is what you asked for no, it's not what I asked for me to be uh community see, I had an opportunity right there, I didn't take it.
Speaker 2I know you didn't um, but I shit on him 80 of the time.
Speaker 1I mean we shit on each other, but like like I was including the jokingly in there Now seriously.
Speaker 2You just said that non-jokingly was 80% that was a joke. Okay, okay Well, I don't know what's a joke and what's not a joke, so I just take it all serious. Okay Well, so you have to. You have to.
Speaker 1Okay, I'm going to give you a 60, 40 split there.
Speaker 2You're going to give me a 60, 40 split Okay. So, anywho, as far as what a man's ego is, Go ahead, you, a man, tell us. I was going to ask you to explain this, this man's ego. I was going to ask you to explain this man's ego what exactly is the man's ego? So that we can have a better understanding for us women on how to stroke it. First of all, Because apparently you guys want more stroking of the ego.
Speaker 1I don't know one man that's going to turn down stroking.
Speaker 2Not even a gay one.
Speaker 1I'm just saying Everybody want to be stroked.
Speaker 2Okay, I mean.
Speaker 1I'm fine, you sure I'm good, okay, lies. Ego is kind of like self-worth, okay, confidence, okay. Pride, okay, certain levels of masculinity, okay, you know, it's not always about arrogance, it's more about like identity, like how they see themselves. Right, because I felt like you can have an ego and still be humble, okay, you can still be steadfast in yourself and your beliefs, but then also have the understanding that you don't know everything and you can't do everything, but you have the pride and the confidence to know how to get things done, or who to go to to figure out how to get things done.
Speaker 1Okay, I feel like that's like being resourceful Right being to figure out how to get things done. Okay, I feel like that's Like being resourceful Right being resourceful right. Okay, as far as like other things, like when it comes to ego, it's kind of like, I think for me personally it's like you want to feel like Part of your ego wants to feel like you're appreciated in your spaces, right, you want?
Speaker 2to feel. Wanted, not just needed, right.
Speaker 1Wanted right. You want to be respected.
Speaker 1You want your family to view you as capable you know, and you want to not only be viewed as capable but actually be capable, right, right.
Speaker 1So I feel like it's not just. I don't feel like it's always a negative connotation to it, like there are positive sides of ego. But that's why they always say, like you have to know when to let your ego go and when to, because sometimes again I've said this before there are times where I have to let my ego go because I cannot allow my ego to put me in a position that will then jeopardize the standing of my family, right, right. Because if I'm so prideful in the moment and I act out of pride for myself, that action could have a negative impact on my family, on my child, on my wife, on our living situation, right, family, on my child, on my wife, on our living situation, right. So that part like I don't see ego as a thing where it needs to always be so negative. Now, don't get me wrong it can be negative. With that chip on the shoulder, too much dip on your chip you can have too much dip on your chip right.
Speaker 1And an ego can also be something that is very, very fragile, right, and that's when the fragile ego is, when a man is lacking in confidence, for, whatever the reason may be, maybe life's not going the way they want it to go, maybe they're stuck in a victim mentality where they're blaming themselves or they're blaming others for their situation and they're not actively pursuing the improvement of themselves, right? So, I mean, ego can be very, very fatuous if left unchecked. Okay, and I think that's the important thing. It is something that you have to constantly keep in check. Okay, and I think that's the important thing, like you have, that, it is something that you have to constantly keep in check.
Speaker 2Yeah. You know, so you don't get too much dip on your chip.
Speaker 1Yes.
Speaker 2Okay. So, from your perspective as a man, what's the best way that I guess just you know, what's the best way that I guess just you know, you individually can feel like, like me, stroking your ego, what are the things that make you feel good, aside from me trying to affirm you and, you know, giving you praise, showing that you're appreciated, showing that you are wanted, showing that you're appreciated, showing that you are wanted, what are, what are some other ways that women can make men feel more appreciated, or stroke the ego, as they would say, because I, it's very to me, it's very simple for me, okay.
Speaker 2I can't speak for all men Right.
Speaker 1But when you respond to me and my love languages, when you respond to me and the things that I perceive as love and how I want to be loved, which is acts of service, that is stroking my ego because, that is showing me that not only do you see me, you approve of what I'm doing, and it's damn near feels like for lack of better words a reward.
Speaker 1Okay, Right, so when you do things for me, especially without me asking that you, that's important to me, that is kind of stroking my ego. Or when it's late and I'm like, hey, babe, can you do this? And you'll get up and do it, Like that's stroking my ego Right Now, when you say little things like this morning.
Speaker 2What did I say? Oh, about the vitamin D thing.
Speaker 1That's a little bit of stroking the ego Because, like we man men, we want to feel desired, we want to feel like we're not always the aggressor or the pursuer right. You know we sometimes we want to feel wanted as well. That's part of the ego, like because you feel when you, when you, when you have a sense of feeling wanted, you feel more like you matter to someone yeah, you feel more like you matter to someone, yeah Right.
Speaker 1And it makes it a little easier for you to get up and do the tough things and make the tough decisions and the tough calls and go out there and sacrifice, you know, your sleep, your money, your, your, your wellbeing for the, for the betterment of your family. When you feel, when you feel that that um, that wanted on this from your, from that wanted a miss from your, from your partner, when you feel the respect and the love from your family, it makes you want to do more for your family because, at the end of the day, you understand that, yeah, I go out here and bust my behind, but I am appreciated for it mm-hmm.
Speaker 2So it makes it a little easier for you to go out there and get it. Yes, that's why you put those notes in your.
Speaker 1Yeah, used to.
Speaker 2Lunch pail we. After a while you started acting like you just like saw them and threw them away, so I stopped to do it. I never do more, so I don't know.
Speaker 1I used to put little notes in his lunch and I used to be like go get them.
Speaker 2I did throw them away, but it was, at the end of the day, it was at on your desk in the office. You need a room for new notes, I guess, so okay, so when we talk about, like from the female's perspective, I know, listen, I know me. I've said this time and time again. I know what type of tongue I can have at times. I know that I can spit hot fire okay you're not a rapper I know you're no nylon nylon, nylon.
Speaker 2I know that I can spit hot fire okay. I know that I can also speak joy and happiness and love and all of the things right. So from that perspective I, you know, I understand when you talk about pretty much loving you and stroking your ego in the sense of speaking to your love language. I feel like for me that's not too far off from just kind of my every day, because a lot of your love language is acts of service and physical touch.
Speaker 1Do you touch me?
Speaker 2acts of service and physical touch.
Speaker 1Do you touch me? Yes, I do every single day.
Speaker 2You don't. You don't get touched, because I'm touching you right now. I'm touching you right now.
Speaker 1All right, I'm just asking questions, you answer it I don't know.
Speaker 2You're trying to start stuff, because that's what you do.
Speaker 1Look here, you told me to be messy today.
Speaker 2I did not. Oh, my gosh Again, I didn't tell you anything.
Speaker 1I'm just following directions.
Speaker 2I don't know where this man gets the things that comes up in his head, but I get them. They just I don't, I don't know it's, I just go with it half of the time, um so yeah, so, like I said, for us, in particular from my perspective, because I can only speak from my perspective um being of service to you and being of service to our family how? What do you mean? Being of service to you? How?
Speaker 1oh, like what service?
Speaker 2being a listening ear for you, um, taking care of you not just like physically, taking care of you mentally, trying to help you with your mental load, trying to carry the emotional load so that you don't fall under all of this. And then, if you want to talk about, like the physical things that you always tell me that matter a lot to you, too, taking care, taking care of your household.
Speaker 2Well, balconies too, yeah, balconies too, that's, that's a service. You think I want to be bent over on a balcony all the time? Yes, you do, you don't, I don't, I don't. It gets cold. You don't like the view it's cold, okay. So then it gives me a slight anxiety that I'm going to end up on somebody's dark web but my husband enjoys it. My husband likes it okay. So therefore, therefore, I do the thing he likes it.
Speaker 1Therefore, I do the thing how do people think I got you just random balconies?
Speaker 2vacation balconies, but they're great nonetheless, but it's something that, nonetheless, but it's something that my husband enjoys, it's something that he enjoys with me, so, therefore, I oblige.
Speaker 1We don't gotta have a balcony or I'm not booking it Bye. I need to be on at least the 20th floor, or higher.
Speaker 2But yeah, I mean even from like the day-to-day, like maintaining your household, cooking your meals. My house man, this is your house. Well, our house your house.
Speaker 1No, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's our house. And 20 years from now, when the grandkids pull up, they're going to say I'm going to who house? I'm going to grandma's house. In any case, this is your house.
Speaker 2In any case, maintaining our household, taking care of our children, taking care of a child, taking care of you, okay, taking care of me. How I literally, I literally, literally.
Speaker 1We just I just wanted to hear it again no, no, cooking your meals.
Speaker 2I mean, how many, how many times did you? Sporadically, while I, literally I, I had said before we walked into the door, I was like man, I am so tired, I just want to go upstairs and take a nap and go to sleep. He heard all of that and he still persisted to ask me to make him something to eat and to whip up his favorite dessert. And what did I do? What did I do?
Speaker 1Don't, don't, give me any, don't give me a sandwich, Don don't give me a sandwich.
Speaker 2Don't, don't give me any, any shit. What did I do? You made daddy a sandwich, and what could? What could I have done? I could have said you just heard me say that I was tired and I wanted to go upstairs and take a nap.
Speaker 1The only response is make daddy a sandwich.
Speaker 2But because you are my man, you are my husband and I know how little things like that are very important to you I got my ass in the kitchen and I got you what you wanted and I brought it to you while you were sitting there doing absolutely nothing.
Speaker 2So you had more than enough energy and time to come down to the kitchen and get the shit yourself and I still got my happy ass up and I went to the kitchen, got what you needed, whipped up what you wanted and still brought it to you while you were sitting there enjoying enjoying your leisure time. Sir.
Speaker 1But did you do it with a smile?
Speaker 2I always do it with a smile Cause when I came upstairs, what did I say? I say here you go. No, I didn't. I say here you go. No, I didn't. I say here you go, babe. And you said thanks, babe, and I gave you a kiss. What you're not gonna do is play my life. What you're not gonna do is play my life. How many times? Okay, but how many times have you in the past, when you used to get home late, also come and be like, oh, babe, can you do this for me, or you, can you do that for me? While I was in the bed and I was awakened because you walked into the room and I still got my happy ass up out the warm bed after being in REM sleep, came downstairs and did exactly what it is you asked me to do, because those are the things that I know, as your wife, that mean a lot to you. Now, does it irritate me sometimes? Absolutely, but do I still get it done? Absolutely, because it is also my job to take care of you.
Speaker 1Okay, see, I like how you said it's your job to take care of me, because here's my thing those nights where I came home late and asked you to do something, I was out there taking care of you.
Speaker 2Okay and we take care of each other. So when I got here, exactly, you get taken care of right because you went out there and you took care of me, so it's a give and take right. So when you so going back to that 80, so going back to that 80 of how I shit on him, 80 of the time, can we go, but can we go back to that how I shit on him?
Speaker 180 of the time.
Speaker 2I said the real number was like 80, 20, I mean, uh, 60, 40 but I, I shit on him 60, see no this is where this is where we also have debates too, because my husband confutes me expressing what I believe to be truth, sometimes with uh me shitting on him okay, hold on it's.
Speaker 1It's not me shitting on him.
Speaker 2Okay, Hold on, it's. It's not me shitting on you. It's either me expressing a point or me trying to shed light on something in a different, at a different angle or a different perspective, and automatically he says you're shitting on me. No, I do not. Okay, All right, but anywho. Back back to back to the topic.
Speaker 2And that I'm about to wrap this up Back to the topic at hand that, to me, that's how I I guess you know, in effect, stroke your ego right. So, like I do my best not to belittle you, not to downplay you, not to down talk you, you are B, you you are b whether it's amongst uh ourselves behind closed doors but especially in front of people. You better not down talk me in front of nobody. I would. I would never down talk not, not in such a negative, derogatory way.
Speaker 1I would never do that look here I would never do that now I am a kind loving husband yeah, you are but I was raised by sugar-free.
Speaker 2Oh gosh, okay, Demel, mm-hmm.
Speaker 1And Don't let me get to it what is that supposed to mean?
Speaker 2I don't know, I don't even know. Like now I feel like you're getting delusional.
Speaker 1So let me ask you what are some pros and cons of stroking a man's ego?
Speaker 2I think the pros are of stroking a man's ego is giving him the encouragement to continue to do whatever it is he needs to do, Like building his emotional security, building his openness within the relationship, increasing his affection towards his partner. You know like reinforcing the emotional connection within the relationship preventing resentment, all of those could be pros, Pros. Let's see some of the cons. I would say giving you an inflation of self like blowing your head up an entitlement type thing.
Speaker 1That's my problem that I have with you, because, see, when I started bigging you up too much, I was like that's my, that's my problem that I have with you Cause, see, when I started bigging you up too much, I was like, oh shit, now her head can't fit through the door, but I cause you be walking out with your little swag and I'm like, okay, all right, swaggy.
Speaker 2I like it. Yeah, I don't get an inflated head. Yes, you do.
Speaker 1Yes you do.
Speaker 2Okay, so here's the thing. So, going back, like I said, you don't ever get inflated. I think you misinterpret me being confident in something no. In me having a big head.
Speaker 1No.
Speaker 2So what have I had a big head in? Tell me, and tell in me having a big head? No, so what have I? What have I had a big head in? Tell me, and tell me how it differs from me just being confident.
Speaker 1I wanna know. I've been telling you you look good. Yes, you lost a lot of weight. I'm telling you, how strong do you get? I'll be confident. I'll be saying, okay, I see your traps. Yes, I appreciate it. And the more I tell you you be like around here thinking you. Ronnie Coleman, uh junior.
Speaker 2First of all, no one's trying to be Ronnie Coleman. Junior Shouts out to Ronnie Coleman, um. Second of all, I have discovered something. I have discovered a new passion that I truly enjoy.
Speaker 2And I'm proud of you that I truly enjoy, and I'm proud of you and I have been able to achieve things these past few months that I honestly didn't think that I could, and so of course, it gave me like this boost of confidence that like OK, it's still there, girl, like you can still achieve goals, you can still do, you can still do hard things, and so the fact that you're confuting that with like just it's building my confidence to me, having a big head, like that's just crazy work. That's just crazy work.
Speaker 2Like you act like I'm walking around here acting like I'm the strongest woman on earth and I'm really not.
Speaker 1We know that right like.
Speaker 2I looked at the rankings last night and immediately was humbled. I was immediately humbled, humbled.
Speaker 1OK, your head deflated.
Speaker 2No, I didn't deflate I didn't deflate your head. No, I did. My head didn't deflate because I can't take. No, I was never out of reality because I already. I mean the people that I have, you know, my online mentors. I have, you know, my online mentors. They don't know they're my mentors, but my online mentors. I have seen what those women are capable of. So I knew me hitting my, my, my benchmarks, my PRs, my personal records. It was nowhere near to the level at which I am trying to get to.
Speaker 2So, there was. There was no deflating. That had to happen because I already know. I already know what is there, what has been done, and I'm nowhere near it, but to know the fact that I am like at least 50% of the way. Look here it's pretty dope.
Speaker 1I'm almost 40. I'm proud of you, but let's just admit, sometimes you got a little extra dip on your chip okay, I mean ain't nothing wrong with that, that's fine.
Speaker 2I just gotta come and bite it, I'll just take, I'll just whatever. If you feel like I have a little extra dip on my chip, ain't nothing wrong with it. I like guac.
Speaker 1Look here yeah, you do, and sour cream.
Speaker 2I like guac. Look here, I haven't had sour cream in forever.
Speaker 1I know, but you still like it.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1Look here. I'm very proud of you. Thanks, and a lot of times I like to see you walk around here with your confidence. You know I can tell, especially when your body suits start fitting better. Got the girls out at the gym.
Speaker 2What's left of them anyway. Okay, we don't talk about that.
Speaker 1Right, it's a sad situation, it's very sad.
Speaker 2I had a funeral last week. Bye, maurice. Anywho, some of the other cons, I'm very, very proud of you.
Speaker 1Thank you I am proud of you. Thank you, I am proud of you. Appreciate it.
Speaker 2I would say. Another con is with that overinflation of the ego it can become a new challenge to Humble, humble him, or the challenge in trying to give constructive criticism.
Speaker 1But don't you think a lot of this has to do with you knowing your partner?
Speaker 2Yes, and yes, yes, I do. I do agree with that. But I'm just talking about, like we're just talking about, like, the cons of stroking a man's ego. Right, because a man's ego can get big fast and okay, listen, you said it, pause, um, you don't over. Inflating your man's ego can become hard to challenge constructively, right? Okay, because then you get into a headspace where it's like nobody can tell me anything, right?
Speaker 2and because I've hyped you up so much, you start to feel like you start feeling yourself and then if you're, if you're married to someone like me, I'm really I can be, I can be instrumental in humbling but?
Speaker 1but on the flip side of that, if you're over over here Stroking my ego into this, you know it can feel like you're trying to manipulate what I do, like you're trying to put me in a position to do things that I want for my will.
Speaker 2I mean, I feel like that's what each person kind of does and I don't want to say it's a manipulation, it's not a manipulation, but just like say it's a manipulation, it's not a manipulation, but just like how we discussed earlier, it's like a give and take right. Like you, you do things you do. There are certain things that you do to get a uh, a result or reaction from me that you want that benefits. You explain, like like the other day right when you were cleaning up the kitchen, straightening up the house, and I was like and I was like oh, like you right, when you were cleaning up the kitchen, straightening up the house, and I was like, oh, like you know, I like when you got a little bit of domestication in you.
Speaker 2But now that I know you try to do those things because you want to make my load lighter so that you can have me later, is that okay? So is that not like a First of all?
Speaker 1hold on.
Speaker 2I mean, I feel like each party does a little bit of that, and I think that's okay.
Speaker 1Hold on, because that wasn't true that day. That day I was really just trying to be helpful.
Speaker 2Oh, okay.
Speaker 1Because I knew like there's too much going on. We hadn't had time for one another Because this girl been on spring break driving us crazy and you've been running around. I've been running around, we were dealing with life. Like, as we said earlier, life been lifing and I was just trying to help out. I said, okay, my baby ain't did some stuff, like I knew. When I took that chicken out, you probably was like who he think finna cook this chicken? And I was like no, very clear.
Speaker 2I'm not seasoning it either. Side note, just as a side note, because it just brought it up and I just I don't know if anybody else has the same kind of husband, but when I cook I do all the prep myself. I do like all the prep right. So if I took meat out, I'm seasoning my own meat, I'm cutting up all the vegetables, I'm cleaning up as I go, I'm throwing away trash everything. When my husband cooks, for some odd reason or another, he needs me to do half the meal and then he just he's there for the main show like the main event. He always need me to chop something, he always need me to season something and I'd be like, babe, if you don't cook, guess what You're cooking. So when he took that chicken out, I was like okay, thank you, you're good. But I made it very clear I'm not seasoning the chicken. Sir, look here before we wrap this up.
Speaker 1let me say this I used to do all that.
Speaker 2I used to do all that.
Speaker 1But then my wife started, then my wife transitioned to what did I? Stay at home, mom, and then I in the dynamics and the role change, and so sometimes I just be forgetting what that's like, because I'm so used to just being a helpmate, you know, I'm used to just coming in financially you know you sound real dumb. Don't say that you know so no, I mean I come, come in on the weekend. I'll come in and do a little cleaning here or there.
Speaker 2Take the child off her hand for a couple hours or whatever came. You see how you say he's doing me a favor Like he. A babysitter, that is your child, sir.
Speaker 1Shoot. That's rough. When I have time I try to help out, but I have to remember that, no, you got to do the whole process, but sometimes, honestly, like I told her before, sometimes I just want her to get to me. Just come here.
Speaker 2Yeah, not sometimes, though, it's every single time you cook.
Speaker 1Okay, I'm sorry that I like you. I'm sorry.
Speaker 2I don't mind being in the kitchen. I will be in the kitchen, I'll sip on my green juice and converse with you. But if I'm going to be there with you, I don't want to help cook. I don't want to dice, slice, cut, put up, put away season, get down, grab, reach for I don't want to do any of it.
Speaker 1I just want to sit there and be company with you.
Speaker 2You so short, you ain't getting nothing down. Okay, see, and there you go again, and there you go again. So what are there, you?
Speaker 1go again. So what can we do to find balance in the stroke and the ego? How can we find balance?
Speaker 2I think it's important to remember it's a two-way street. That is a two-way street and it's not about necessarily stroking the ego, but it's about honoring your man's essence and presence. Okay, okay.
Speaker 1I think it's clearly where it's the understanding that we are a partnership, we are a team and that we both need to feel like we're both being seen, respected and needed.
Speaker 2Yes, because I also Because.
Speaker 1I let you know very, very clearly I see you, I see you.
Speaker 2Okay, you see me through the lens in which you have chosen to see me.
Speaker 1I see, but do you see me through the lens that I?
Speaker 2need you to see? Yes, I do you. Don you see me through the lens that?
Speaker 1I need you to see.
Speaker 2Yes, I do you don't even know what the lens is. So how do you know? I haven't even told you what the lens is when I got up here.
Speaker 1It's a perfect example, Like you said, when I got up and I started cleaning and cooking for you. I mean in all fairness you, it may just not for me.
Speaker 2Diabolical.
Speaker 1That would have started World War III hey it is what it is, but did you recognize that I cooked breakfast after coming home from the gym multiple days in a row?
Speaker 2Yes, yes. And then you asked me.
Speaker 1And then I asked you what you wanted?
Speaker 2No, you asked me if I enjoyed you making breakfast again, and I said of course.
Speaker 1Like, yes, and then, not only did I cook breakfast, I cleaned the bathroom myself, then I made dinner, right Cause I saw that that was something that was stressing you, that you needed a break from. I pay attention to you Sometimes, yes, all the time. It's just I don't, I don't react all the time, but I'm always paying attention, okay, okay. So I want you to know that I see you, okay, I appreciate that, okay, and it's clear that I respect you because I ain't stepped out.
Speaker 2Wow, that's. That has nothing to do, like I mean yes it's part of it.
Speaker 1It's part of it. Are you giving me permission? That's a you. That's a you thing.
Speaker 2Are you giving me permission? Like I, you would have to put up with.
Speaker 1That's going to be your karma to put up with.
Speaker 2not mine, and as far as not mine, sir.
Speaker 1And as far as needing you I'm very vocal on that Because we can stop recording right now On the table- Okay, that wouldn't happen my child's upstairs.
Speaker 2But I also think it's really important to not lose yourself like as a, really important to not lose yourself like as a woman, to not lose yourself in trying to big up, stroke egos for your man, like that's that I have to.
Speaker 1I have to make that be known because yeah, it should be mutual.
Speaker 2But I do understand, especially being in a marriage, that ego has a little bit more of importance as it pertains to you than it does.
Speaker 1So your ego is not important?
Two Cents: Relationship Dilemmas
Speaker 2Huh, no, my ego is important. My ego is there. Everyone has an ego. But I'm just saying, as far as the dynamics of the relationship goes, um, being in, you know our, our being in a marriage, being in a long term relationship and just my interactions with you, being my husband and a lot of interactions that you know that I've had with men in general a little bit bigger portion in in being, you know something within men, you know the men's circle than it does in the women's circle. Okay, so that's why I just want to say like it's really important as women to not try to lose yourself and trying to big up your boo, like you can big up your boo too, but don't lose yourself in that. Like my identity is not wrapped up in me, you know.
Speaker 2But in a healthy relationship, marriage or whatever both parties need to be validated yeah, it's about mutual uplifting, exactly that's what it's healthy ego, the foundation of leadership and love, um, and protection, and that should work for both men and women, for you and your partner. It's not just one or the other but, like I said, I think for I think for me, from my perspective. The ego thing where I say that it has a bigger role on your side than it does my side, is because I can see sometimes the emotional aspect that gets rolled up into ego. For men, then, versus women, does that make sense? Like the really no, the emotional aspect of it, you know, okay, so that's why that's, that's why that's why I say that, cause I feel like, when it comes to processing things like, for instance, how you said, your week has been right, you, you, and rightfully so. There's nothing wrong with it. But I'm just saying the way that you allow things to affect you, to affect you, how did I kept it pushing all week? Yeah, you kept it, you keep it pushing, but it's not like you can, it's not like you can keep it pushing in a sense where we can't feel it.
Speaker 2If that makes sense, you're keep, you're keeping it pushing, but I'm feeling all of it, I'm absorbing all, all of the energy that that's creating. I'm absorbing all of the energy that, all of what you're perceiving to be negative in your life or what you're perceiving to be a hard time for you. I'm absorbing all of that energy from the traffic making you short tempered, to you having outbursts, to you shutting down, to you going into your hidey hole to try to figure life out. I'm absorbing all of that. So it's not like you're going through it and you're like, ok, yeah, I'm gonna push through it and you're changing your perspective about it.
Speaker 2The things that you are allowing to affect you also affect the way in which you move sometimes, and the person that's absorbing that is me. Okay, so then now for me in my head, when it comes to, like stroking the ego and stuff like that, it's whatever it is I'm dealing with and processing at a time even though it could be the same thing that I'm stressed out about too I now have to, like put mine in a little box, I have to set it aside for a second and I have to focus on making sure that you're going to be okay mentally and emotionally to get through whatever it is that's that's hitting you tough this week. That's what it feels like for me. Could you say that like?
Speaker 1I'm a a threat to hurt myself no, not, I'm not saying that.
Speaker 2I'm just talking about the emotional and mental aspect of it. So that's what I'm saying. Like we both could be. We're both experiencing life happening right, okay, and it's like, yes, even though it's not my responsibility or you know, know, in a technical sense, to figure out how the car is going to get fixed, I see how you're, you're going upstairs and you're doing your calculations and you're like, okay, well, I got it here, I can do it here, and I'm still, I'm still absorbing that, okay, he is getting a little stressed.
Speaker 2It's a little stressful for me too, but I'm going to box mine up, I'm going to put mine to the side and I'm going to try to be here for him as much as I can, emotionally and mentally, and make sure that I'm not trying to cause any additional stress, make sure that I'm trying to make his life a little bit more manageable, a little bit more easier. So, if that means, like cooking your favorite meal, if that means, when you asked me to do something, not questioning you about it, if that means me coming to give you, if that means me coming to give you a hug and giving you a kiss and telling you like babe, it's cool. Like you know, everything always works out. I don't want you sitting here stressing like, whatever it is, that's what I have to do in order to make sure you are good. Do you know what I mean? So, that's that's what I mean by like. Okay, you know, that's where it plays a little bit of a bigger role in the male's life than I think it does the female's life, because it's the the emotional absorption aspect of it. That's a fair assumption, okay, um, but yeah, I mean, long story short, it should work that way for both parties, because that's one of the benefits of being married and one of the benefits of being in a relationship is to have a person Like.
Speaker 2If you feel like you have no one else, you have a person. You have someone you can depend on. You have someone you can be vulnerable with. You have someone who's always going to tell you like hey, you, it didn't happen today, it didn't happen today, you were not. Who's always going to tell you like, hey, you, it didn't happen today, it didn't happen today, you were not on your a game. You, quite frankly, sucked. But there's always tomorrow and if you get tomorrow, you get another chance to try again. But what about your friends? Are they going to stand their ground?
Speaker 1Are they going to be around?
Speaker 2In the end, Shut up babe.
Speaker 1You don't like me.
Speaker 2No, I do love you, but anywho, yeah, so. I'll just you know, I'll try to raise my bar, since it's only um, since I shit on you 80% of the time and I don't strike you evil enough.
Speaker 1I said 60%.
Speaker 2Oh, he gave me an additional 20% back. I'll do better, I'll see.
Speaker 1I appreciate that. I appreciate that.
Speaker 2Or hear me out. I could show you what 60% really looks like. Oh, okay, because I don't think he would like it. But you know, anywho, let's hop right on into our two cents. Our two cents, our two cents. This one's a little bit of a long one, oh my gosh, but I think I really would love to hear what you have to say about it.
Speaker 2Let me sleep, okay. So here we go. Am I the asshole for not taking my ex-wife back after she left me for an alpha male? Nope, okay. I had been with my ex for seven years, married for five. It felt like love at first sight and everything felt so natural when we first met. After about two years of dating, we decided to tie the knot Not soon after we welcomed our baby boy. He was a pandemic baby, so my wife ended up quitting her job while I continued working as a line cook and started doing Uber Eats on the side.
Speaker 2After things went back to normal, my wife told me that she doesn't want to be one of those women who lose their passion after settling down. So she went back to finish law school and take the bar. Of course, I wholeheartedly supported her and we tried to make it work. After she passed the bar, she immediately got hired at a firm downtown through the help of her friend Dumbo. Oh, I guess we don't like the friend. This is where the problem started. From the get go, my wife began making good money, good enough that she told me to quit my job and to stay home and take care of our kid full time, as she won't have time to. I said no. I loved my job. Cooking was my passion and I even worked my way up to full-time fledged chef. My biggest regret in our marriage had to have been her taking me, her talking me into leaving. But I did and I became a stay-at-home dad.
Speaker 2Slowly our marriage life began deteriorating as she started to pull away. She worked long hours and barely spent any time with my son pull away. She worked long hours and barely spent any time with my son and myself. She'd go out drinking to network with her work colleagues on the weekends, sometimes even going out of town At home. She was always just pissy with me. It's like her personality did a complete 180. This wasn't the sweet, nurturing girl I had fell in love with. All those years ago, our intimacy became almost non-existent. After going through therapy, I can now see that I am to blame as well. I should have communicated better and shared how I felt. Luckily, the highlight through this was my son. Seeing him grow and being there for a lot of his firsts made everything feel like it was going to be okay.
Speaker 2One day she finally came up to me and asked for a divorce. I wasn't totally surprised. I felt everything was eventually going to lead up to this, but I still didn't want to give up. I asked if she was sure about this and if that's what she wanted to do, or did she want to try to make it work? I recommended couples counseling or temporary separation. She declined both and told me that she had found someone else. Hearing this shattered me, her changing and us growing apart. I can understand, but never once would I have thought that she would have been the type to even entertain another man. She told me. It's some partner at her firm. Ha ha ha.
Speaker 2When did my life become a Korean rom-com? She told me that he invited her out a couple of times and showed her the quote unquote luxury of life that she deserves. We argued for a bit and she told me that he is twice the man as me. She called me feminine for being a stay at home dad while his wife was working hard and being home while he made the money. What it was your idea? And what about me working two jobs during the pandemic? To her, those were not real jobs. I was just a delivery truck driver and a cook. Wow, she told me. This new guy is an alpha male who knows a woman's needs and how to take care of her. She bragged about how tall and muscular he is, that he has a real job and took her on weekend getaways that she told me were work related. And here's the kicker he's such a man he doesn't want to make things official with her until her and I are separated.
Speaker 2I almost laughed at how delusional that she had become. I asked her what about our son? And she said that I could have him, like he likes me anyway. I think that hurt the most. I couldn't believe that she thought about her own son that way, throwing him away like some object. For the first time I couldn't recognize the person in front of me. I won't lie. I did let the anger get the best of me and set some hurtful things back. I could tell that she was taken back by this, probably because I almost never get angry. She just turned around and left.
Speaker 2After she left, I cried my eyes out for two weeks, hoping that she'd call and come back. I don't know. I didn't love her anymore, but life without her felt so scary. The only thing that kept me going was my son. I knew I couldn't turn to the bottle or go down that dark path. Because of him, I managed to beg for my job back and they rehired me for some weekends only, which was better than nothing.
Speaker 2I spent the next months just putting my head down and working in silence. The divorce proceedings were moving quickly and before I knew it, it was official. The worst part about this was I felt like I had no support system. On social media, everyone was praising her for being this strong, independent woman who broke free of some metaphoric shackle like I was some villain holding her back, and not a single person messaged me on how I was doing, and thank God they didn't, because this is what made me want to go to therapy in the first place, and I haven't looked back since. For all those that are unsure about therapy, I'm telling you it works.
Speaker 2Now, fast forward to this week, I received a phone call from an unknown number and when I picked it up, it was my ex on the other line, bawling her eyes out. She told me she told me how her alpha male boyfriend found someone else and she's too afraid to confront him because he's a partner at her firm. She finally explained her perspective and how everything led up to this point. Basically, my ex has admittedly always been really pretty and a social butterfly. After she had our son and the pandemic hit, she felt very ugly and insecure, even if I told her that she was pretty. So I guess when she got the job, she got the validation that she wanted.
Speaker 2Of course, feeding into the delusion was Dumbo, who recently had divorced her husband and who had recently divorced and poisoned my wife's thoughts with how I'm a failure as a man, how my ex is way prettier than me, how my ex is way prettier than me and she deserves someone to her standards. Apparently, I'm a beta male who rolls over and is stopping her from being free. She said a lot more specific stuff too that I think I'll just keep to myself, but it was definitely an eye-opening conversation. I shouldn't have pushed my ex away to be vulnerable enough to listen to Dumbo, but still, after hearing all of this, I was really just as disappointed, more than anything, that she would be so stupid enough to throw everything that we've built away on a whim through peer pressure.
Speaker 2My ex asked me if we could try again. She told me how much she misses me and how she took me and our son for granted. For example, I always made her lunch in the morning, made sure she was up to date with her pills and so on and so forth. She misses those little things. I admit to telling her that I missed her too, and I know our son does for sure. But she did make every decision herself. And what if things worked out with the other guy? I'm not gonna. I'm not a consolation prize that she can just come running back to. She cried and told me that she wanted me back a week after she had left but was too prideful to call. I firmly told her no and I hung up on her.
Speaker 2Since then my phone has been blowing up off the hook with friends and family telling me that I'm heartless, that my wife was vulnerable and that she was taken advantage of. And instead of picking up the pieces and helping her, I'm leaving her out to fend for herself. That message hurt. I respect her father a lot, so I heard him out. He wants me to come over for a resolution intervention this week and to bring our son. They just want a conversation to hear both sides and see if it really is resolvable. I'm attending, but I'm going to stay firm with my answer. But all of the recent messages have been making me rethink my stance. I just want to make sure that I'm not in the wrong before I attend. Am I the asshole?
Speaker 1Hell, no, no, hell, no. That was long as shit it was. He wrote a thesis. Is he a doctor now? No, I want to say this this is the harsh reality of things. Your ex-wife made herself appear vulnerable in a public space and was easily tricked and manipulated by the other man. He saw her coming to feel, to feel special.
Speaker 1He saw her coming, so she was played. She literally put no effort to try to repair what she had with you and, and even when I went out, she was cheating on you while she was with you. And even when I went out, she was cheating on you while she was with you. She was going.
Speaker 2she said she had already met someone. Yep, You're right.
Speaker 1She already had no respect for you, right, yep? And so she did all this. Like you said, she did all this to herself and in my eyes, you don't, you don't you don't owe her nothing, you don't owe her a conversation.
Speaker 1You don't owe her family a conversation, and what you're saying is like what you're saying about the Facebook post and how. Now people are saying that you're making it hard for her because you won't take her back. That is the harsh reality of a man. It doesn't matter what a woman does. There will be someone out there, or some group of women out there, to try to to try to make it seem like what she's done is not so bad for them to just just miss everything that she put you through, like you just supposed to have the whole situation.
Speaker 1Like you just supposed to have emotions of steel and not have no feelings that she can just take your heart out and step on it and then just come back and pick it up when she wants to. Man, fuck her and fuck them and double. She got exactly what she needed. She got exactly what she deserved.
Speaker 2It's crazy that she left her son and said that you can have him. Like what kind of shit is that? She literally you can have him, he like you anyway. She literally said you can have him.
Speaker 1She gave up her child. What decent person gives up their child for a fantasy? Now, granted, she probably didn't think it was a fantasy at the time, but she, it was a fantasy, but she was that detached from being a mother that she couldn't even fight for her son. No, she got exactly what she deserved, and the only thing I would say to this is that I would have never stayed at home. I would have still worked.
Speaker 2But that's what he. That's where he said he feels like he did mess up.
Speaker 1I would. I would have still worked regardless, because the transitioning to being single would have been a lot easier, right, but I feel like even if he would have stayed uh, even if he wouldn't have stayed home and stayed work, this still would have happened. Because what happened was is that you probably worked while she you worked while she finished school. You probably helped. You probably helped her finish school.
Speaker 2He had to work while she was in school.
Speaker 1Right To to provide, but once, but once she got what she, once she got her law degree and all that stuff. She was oblivious to all the sacrifices you made for her to get to that point.
Speaker 2Well, yeah, because now she sees herself in this light that you don't measure up to. So now, and then you have somebody in her ear talking about you're here and you mean to tell me you're married to somebody who's here and oh, he's a stay-at-home dad. That's a thing.
Speaker 1Yeah, I just. I had a teacher tell me this a long time ago and it always sticks with me and he told me that to always be mindful of the people you pass by climbing up. Oh yeah, Because those same people you just might pass when you fall down. Now this heifer done passed you and now she done fell back down. Now she's crying for you to pick her back up because she's in shambles. I wouldn't give her the light of day.
Speaker 2I wouldn't go to the sit down Hell. No, because, especially if you already know you're going to stand firm on your answer, stand firm on your answer on the phone and be like look, there was at one point I loved you, I loved what we had, look here. But those feelings are no longer there. Boo.
Speaker 1I would tell her mother, her father, her brother, her sister I don't care her aunt's cousins that she's a shitty human being and she deserves everything she got. Not a shitty human being, she's shitty. And if you keep talking to me like that, you're not going to see your nephew or your grandson. Keep playing with me. We don't want to do that. Keep playing with me, keep playing with me. Oh no, oh no, but you're not the asshole, sir no.
Speaker 2I can't say that you are. You're not the asshole, sir. Fuck her and fuck that job too. And don't forget to say F Dumbo, oh no.
Speaker 1No, dumbo played his part Well yeah, he did what he was supposed to do. In this scenario, Dumbo was a liberator For the husband. Yeah, he saved him of years of pain Sometimes saved him of years of years of pain sometimes. Sometimes the loss ain't lost is a blessing right it is, and I know like bars shut up. No, if y'all know the song, y'all know the song um, he and his son have built a life.
Speaker 2Yeah, you don't need her. Yeah, like, literally, like we've built a life that doesn't have you in it. So therefore, we're comfortable, we're good. But if you want to see him, like that's still your son, I'll let you see him, but that's it, like I'm. I'm not for keeping parents away from their children unless it's a safety issue, but if she wants to see him, I'd be like that type of character that's his mom. Still, you can't change who your parents are terrible, terrible character.
Speaker 1Yeah, I suppose you want one more, I mean we got time.
Speaker 2Let's see, let the tape run okay, am I the asshole for telling an elder woman to get the fuck on after holding up the only open line? Earlier today I stopped at a grocery store while out running errands, there was only one cashier open, for whatever reason, so the line was long. The woman who had to be in her 60s or 70 in front of me was talking to the young cashier who was about 18 or 21. She was talking her ear off about her son-in-law her daughter's husband After she had already been rung up with a receipt in hand. Apparently, her sister-in-law is a deadbeat, covert narcissist or something I could tell. The cashier was too nice to cut the woman off and she just kept glancing at me, giving me the look, the. I'm so sorry, look, look. I love making small talk myself, but this conversation had gone over a minute with like six people behind me in the line. I heard a woman behind me quietly under her breath say oh, my goodness, lady, let's go. So clearly I wasn't the only one who was getting irritated.
Speaker 2After about two minutes or so that had passed, I calmly say excuse me, ma'am, I have to be somewhere soon. She looks at me with a cold face, wags her finger and says um, no, you can wait. The finger wagging honestly set me off and I raised my voice saying get the fuck on, lady. You're not the only one in the fucking store, you're holding everyone up. It got pretty quiet after that and the security guard walked over to me and says sir, please calm down. Ma'am, please be aware that you're not the only shopper in line. The lady finally walked off cursing, but I didn't catch what she said.
Speaker 2Now, for some reason, hours later, I'm sitting here at my work desk feeling like a jerk. Did I go too far by raising my voice at an elderly woman? Personally, I just feel like it's rude to not be considerate of other people in line who were shopping. You don't know what kind of schedule someone's on and I feel it's best to not hold the lineup or at least step away If you want to continue a long conversation. Am I the asshole? Yes and no.
Speaker 1I'm 50-50 on this.
Speaker 2Yes, yes and no, you're the asshole for using profane language at an elderly person. We still must respect our elders and we all know that as elderly people get up in age, some of them have the attitude that they they really don't care.
Speaker 1they have a very fucking attitude it's like the meme I can't wait till I retire so I can get up early and make everybody else leave for work.
Speaker 2Exactly because I got, I don't really care, because all I have is time and that's pretty much how she was operating. She was like y'all just gonna have to wait here because, honestly, I think a lot of people just like elderly people don't? Um, they know that some people won't suspect them of being thieves, but there's a lot of elderly people who steal because they're elderly and they seem unassuming. So she was also probably thinking like yeah, she knows that there's a line, but ain't nobody gonna say nothing to me because I'm old, yeah like.
Speaker 1but see, here's the thing, and that's why I say he's not, because you do have those people.
Speaker 2You do have those elderly people, they know it.
Speaker 1You have like hold on. God bless his heart.
Speaker 2They know it.
Speaker 1There is a. There's an elderly black man that goes to the Starbucks I go to and I always try to get in there before he do, because I know if I'm behind him it's over, even though the girls are trying to rush him along. This is his day.
Speaker 2It's his morning routine.
Speaker 1He going to keep going there? He ordered his same drink. They didn't even ask him what he want.
Speaker 2They just start getting ready.
Speaker 1They just start getting ready, Like how they get ours ready. They just be like hey guys, and it's already getting started and he sit there and he'd have a conversation, they'd catch up.
Speaker 2And I'm like sir, Some of us have somewhere to be.
Speaker 1I'm not retired yet I have a job I gotta get to Now. I don't cuss at him because he's black.
Speaker 2Oh wow, I don't cuss at him because he's black.
Speaker 1Who says and low key? He reminds me of my grandfather. So, I actually kind of like talking to him but some days he just look here I don't even know his name some days he just sir, and the thing is, he waved at me every day. He waved at me today how you doing, let me get here for you, let me get in for you. Look, when I see here's the funny part when I pull up and I see that blue equinox, I said damn he's here damn it, he's already here.
Speaker 1Damn it, he's already here. He already beat you to it. My only thing, my only, my only uh, uh fortune is that he moved hella slow. I once seen a snail I'll run him bye, marise.
Speaker 2He's old, stop it. And that's probably his like that's his outing that's his outing, because, like when my granny, when my granny got to, like her late 80s.
Speaker 2Let me say this, that's, she looked forward to her doctor's appointments because her doctor's appointments like when we when we would come down because I would go with my mom to take her to her doctor's appointments and we would make a date of the doctor's appointment. So that's what my granny she looked. I knew she looked forward to it because we always did lunch and then she always wanted to go to Penny's to see if Penny's had curtains on sale or she always needed a new comforter. I'm like, granny, you don't need a new comforter, you just bought a new comforter. But then I started to realize that's my granny's outings. Like that was her thing, like I'm going to go to my doctor's appointment. I know I'm going to see my daughter. I'm going to go to my doctor's appointment. I know I'm going to see my daughter. I'm going to see my granddaughter. We're going to hang out today. We're going to get something to eat. I'm going to go to Penny's.
Speaker 1They have their routines. Let me say this he walks slow, but he don't drive slow.
Speaker 2He don't have to. That's why.
Speaker 1He know how to push the pedal to the metal. He don't drive to me.
Speaker 2I think you could have just said it a little nicer. You could have just said I mean, I know you tried the nice way because she ended up giving you the finger. But you could have just came back maybe with a little bit more assertiveness and maybe put your things up there and then stood right there like okay, can you start ringing me up? Or something.
Speaker 1My thing is also this, the more I think about this. Like you're saying, that probably was the highlight of her day. Oh yeah, and then she got to cut them out as she left and then, and then she was uh, I think she was trying to hook the cashier up with her. She was.
Episode Wrap-Up and Thank You
Speaker 2That's why she was taking so long and that's why he was like seriously dude, like I got some, I got somewhere, I gotta get to work like we gotta go and there's nothing. There's nothing more frustrating.
Speaker 1I remember when, I it was.
Speaker 2I used to go to Starbucks in the morning before work, and now, granted, this very rarely happened to me because I always left for work two hours beforehand, always because I like my time, don't open up, but um, but but on the rare occasion where I had like just enough time to get my coffee and get to work, when I tell you the amount of conversation that happens between a barista and a customer and I'm just like, ok, move it along, like we all have somewhere to be. We're all here hella early, so that must mean we're all on our way to be somewhere.
Speaker 1So can you wrap it?
Speaker 2up wrap it up.
Speaker 1They got mobile order now it's not a problem yeah, until they turn mobile order off. Yeah so you know what I'm gonna say you a little bit of asshole, a little bit, a little bit yeah a little bit.
Speaker 2It was the, it was the cursing. For me it's about it's telling granny to basically fuck off it's about six, it's about-40.
Speaker 1Is what did it for me About 60-40.
Speaker 2Okay, here you go with 60-40 again. Do you just like throwing out 60-40 or 80-20 or 60-40.?
Speaker 1Okay, 55-65. Okay, 55-45. All right guys Didn't even have that time.
Speaker 2Thanks for joining us today. This has been another episode of the Life After I Do podcast. If you're not doing so already, you can follow us on all of our social media platforms At Life After I Do podcast at gmailcom. Life After I Do podcast. Facebook, instagram, tiktok Only Pans. Youtube Only Pans. Again, I really, really, really want to say thank you guys so much for the growth and support and the support we are really. We really appreciate you guys.
Speaker 1You guys are really contributing to this camp fees. We appreciate it.
Speaker 2You guys are really contributing to these camp fees. But, yes, we just want to say really we thank you guys so much for all of the love and the support. Thank you for all the love and support that we're getting on TikTok. Thank you for all of the recognition that you guys have shown us on Instagram. We truly, truly appreciate it. If you guys are having done so already, check us out on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook I mean all of them guys.
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Speaker 2The comments are my favorite. Like the way y'all be running these comments. I live for the comment section, like I live for the comment section in general. When I'm scrolling and watching content and when I see something or I hear something, I immediately go to the comments. So I love the comments y'all are. Y'all are funny as hell and yeah, we just like really love y'all in a real bad way. Okay, so continue to show, show support. Okay, be one of the day ones. Okay, don't be acting like you know, it's like that when, when we at the higher mountains. Okay, don't be acting like you know, it's like that.
Speaker 2Okay, okay, but we love y'all real bad.
Speaker 1Until next time. Until next time, peace booskies, peace booskies.
