Life After I Do Podcast
Marriage and relationships can be tough. You may feel like you’re the only one struggling but you’re not. Life After I do is a weekly podcast where Morice and Kynesha, a black married millennial couple, share their experiences and advice on everything from kids and family to intimacy and connection. Noting is off limits.
In their 21 years together and 7 years of marriage, Morice and Kynesha have learned a lot about what it takes to make a relationship work. They know the importance of communication, trust and commitment. They also know it’s okay to not have it all figured out.
Join them every Wednesday as they talk about their own journey of “Life After I do”.
Life After I Do Podcast
Relationship Burnout
Feeling emotionally drained, easily irritated, and disconnected from your partner? You might be experiencing relationship burnout – and you’re not alone! Studies show 40% of people believe high stress negatively impacts their relationships.
In this episode, we dive deep into "mankeeping" – the hidden emotional labor where one partner (often women) carries the weight of their significant other’s moods and reactions. Ever found yourself walking on eggshells, waiting for the right moment to talk about something important? That’s mankeeping in action, and over time, it creates an exhausting imbalance that wears down your connection.
I always say and my wife knows that I am a lot more agreeable the morning after.
Speaker 2:We can get a lot more out of you If you put it on me you want to do it today?
Speaker 1:Yeah, sure, that's fine.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we can do that, no problem. You can be like babe, whatever you want, it's whatever you want.
Speaker 1:I had this plan, but I can cancel it. You know, you did a great job last night or cancel it you know, you did a great job last night, or you wake up and you'd be like hey, babe, what do you need today?
Speaker 2:What do you want? I'm telling you what do you want.
Speaker 1:And I'd be like I don't know when you put it on me.
Speaker 2:It motivates me to be a better husband hey everybody and welcome back to another episode of life after I do podcasts with nisha gmo lethal. It is wednesday again. If you have made it to another Wednesday, bless you. So excited, so excited, so excited. I heard something on TikTok. It was a creator I forget his name, but he's a pretty big creator on TikTok too and he said he was talking to his friend and he asked his friend like how's your day, or whatever, and his friend was like oh, it's a great day. He was like every day is a great day and he looked at his friend. He was like every day is not a great day and he was like no try missing one.
Speaker 1:And he was like that, just put everything into perspective for me. He said every day is not a great day.
Speaker 2:Try missing one. Don't miss the day. Just miss work. No, just try, no, just miss work.
Speaker 1:Don't miss the day. Yeah, no, but you know what the message was in it.
Speaker 2:I know Like yeah, he was like you can try missing one and see how that works out for you. So I was like, yeah, that's pretty good. So if you made it back here again and you woke up this morning and you're listening to our podcast and you've decided to join us today, you are blessed and today is a great day.
Speaker 1:have the day you deserve well, let me switch places with bill gates, uh hey, booskies, I wouldn't want this, I just want the money hey, booskies hey how's it going it? Going, it's going. How's your week?
Speaker 2:My week is no one really.
Speaker 1:We don't really want like a 15-minute week with crap because you seem to always be long-winded. We need the cliff notes because people come here for the meat and potatoes.
Speaker 2:What's the meat and potatoes? The?
Speaker 1:episode.
Speaker 2:My week is part of the episode.
Speaker 1:No, your week is the appetizer.
Speaker 2:And sometimes it don't be a lot of people like are you trying to say my life isn't interesting? Sometimes that's a low blow coming from somebody like you first of all, I don't want an interesting life, uh you don't.
Speaker 1:No, that's sad I like that is sad routine um, that don't mean it can't be interesting. I mean I have you. It's always interesting. I'm just saying we want the cliff notes because you know, you know I've been told you like to ramble and by I told myself that wow, I just feel like.
Speaker 2:I just feel like you're just a hater of me, that's all you're my biggest supporter, but you're also my biggest hater I like to keep me on my toes like I have to keep you humble yeah, like okay. So, for instance, the way you spoke to me last night in the gym although I can understand you were being motivating and you were like trying to push me no, I had to talk to get to, like you know, to really push through my set, I get it.
Speaker 2:But so you know, I had some, some heads turned like oh, I had to talk to you.
Speaker 1:He's laying in on her I had to because you were saying that you acting like a little weak b first of all, I was not acting like a week and I said what you're not gonna do in this house.
Speaker 2:When you carry this last name, you're gonna push and I did push we don't, we don't quit I didn't quit, so I didn't tell you's what I had to tell you so anyway tell the people what I said. I was on the leg extension machine and I was doing my leg extensions. What was it?
Speaker 1:170 or something like that, whatever he was sandbagging it he says I was sandbagging it.
Speaker 2:But whatever, I don't even think he can do 170 in leg extensions.
Speaker 1:I can. I did 12 today.
Speaker 2:Okay, we're gonna put that to a. I don't even think he can do 170 in leg extensions. I can. I did 12 today. Okay, we're going to put that to a video, because last time we had this conversation and I told you that I was leg extending 170, like full sets, you were like get back to the story.
Speaker 1:Anyway, I was doing my leg extensions.
Speaker 2:My husband was like my filling coach last night. So last night I had a squat day, so everything that surrounded my squats. So he was like my filling coach, my motivator, last night. And after my first or second set on doing the leg extensions, he was like I think you I forgot what you were doing, whether you were checking the weight or something like that. But he's like listen, if you're going to fucking do this, then you're going to do this and we're not going to bitch out and we're not.
Speaker 2:And I was just like sir, I literally just did the entire set, like I finished all three sets completely, but he wasn't saying anything, like you know, like a coming at me. It was just kind of like a motivating, like keep going, you got this, like do it, you know, and I get where he was coming from. That's why I was like okay, like you know, it's cool, but some people and then plus, we had headphones on and I don't think we realized how loudly we speak when we have headphones on.
Speaker 1:But I had some heads turn like ooh, like he digging into her and I was like it ain't even made the decision to be a power lifter and you're not going to bitch out now.
Speaker 2:You're going to push this goddamn weight. It wasn't even that much weight, it was 170 pounds.
Speaker 1:That's why I was acting like it wasn't even that much weight, and that's why I was looking at you like why are you acting like this heavy? Why are you acting like this heavy? Well, because it's just a cable.
Speaker 2:Also. Also, you were trying to like pick at me too, because you're like, but my form wasn't bad.
Speaker 1:Your squat form was perfect. Your squat was really good. Thank you Now, when it comes to those leg extensions, I fixed it.
Speaker 2:Okay, I'm going to take a video for my trainer. I'm not going to be there.
Speaker 1:And I'm going to take it from the trainer.
Speaker 2:Okay, and I'm going to send it. My coach there, I'm going to take it from the trainer, I'm going to send it to my coach and I'm going to send it to him and see what he says Now, if he, says the complete opposite of what you say, which is usually what happens.
Speaker 1:Okay, look here.
Speaker 2:You going to listen to your husband or you going to listen to another man?
Speaker 1:When you got off the leg, did you feel your quads?
Speaker 2:Were they burning?
Speaker 1:I always feel my qu okay, anyway, my week was uh, yeah, yeah. I don't even think we ever got to my week so excited, yeah, so go ahead finish your week.
Speaker 2:Go ahead. Nothing exciting. Cliff note version there was nothing exciting, are you done? Go ahead, go ahead. Your behavior is right in line with today's topic okay go ahead. You're pushing me, okay, pushing me guys. Okay, push another button, I'm gonna pinch you. Push another button, go ahead, I dare you push it. Finish your week. Anywho, my week was good, that's good.
Speaker 1:I enjoyed my week what was good about it?
Speaker 2:I made it through.
Speaker 1:The fact that I wasn't here. That's what was really good about it. Get to the real. Get to what's real.
Speaker 2:Your week was good. You want these sister-in-law to be about you.
Speaker 1:so bad your week was good because I wasn't here, but I was out there making money for you. At that damn job missing you. I, at that damn job missing you.
Speaker 2:I don't make this money for me. It's funny because you and your daughter come home and say the same thing. What? Did we say she was like. She came home, she was like Mommy. I was like, yes, baby, she was like I just missed you so much today. Okay, and I said, I said you did. I said about me. I said what do you miss about me? I just miss your cuddles and I needed kisses. And then you come home, you're like I just missed you and I'm like I miss my family too.
Speaker 2:No, you didn't miss us.
Speaker 1:Y'all see this. This woman is over here complaining about being loved, not complaining about being loved.
Speaker 2:I'm okay, that's what she's gonna. Anywho, I'm not complaining. I love that my family loves me because I absolutely adore and love and obsess with my family. Questionable.
Speaker 1:Anyway, my week was cool. Back at the damn job. It hasn't been too bad. I do miss my wife. I miss all the time I got to spend with her. I miss my daughter some bit, a little bit. I miss her a little bit. She'd be getting on my nerves with her behavior. But outside, of that.
Speaker 2:He's a typical kid. She doesn't do anything out of the ordinary but outside of that he allows his emotions first of all this is my week.
Speaker 1:Outside of that, it's been it's been a pretty good it's. Outside of that, it's been a pretty good week. Um, I'm dropping these weights.
Speaker 2:You know I'm back literally dropping them on the floor. Are you done? I'm not, because you messed with me, so I'm going to mess with you.
Speaker 1:I am now officially under my pre-baby weight.
Speaker 2:Good job.
Speaker 1:And I never got a push gift. You won't. Why I never got a push gift? You won't.
Speaker 2:Why would you get a push gift? What have you pushed?
Speaker 1:I had to push through the situation. You don't know how hard you were gripping my hand. Demille, please shut up. I'm pretty sure you dislocated three fingers.
Speaker 2:Please shut up. First of all, that was seven years ago. I had to go downstairs and and get my fingers. That was seven years ago. Okay. So anyway, like I said, I wish I had a whole kid.
Speaker 1:Anyway, you know great week. You know I'm making great progress with my weight loss. I'm down over 60 pounds now. Good job, congratulations, I got about 15 to go, but now I'm thinking I might actually go like another 25 so I could bulk and then cut again, cause I'm trying to look like that doesn't make sense. I'm trying to. You gotta, you gotta bolt, I gotta gain the weight to cut. It don't matter, it don't matter, I'm just trying to. I'm trying to look like a, I'm trying to get a certain look now.
Speaker 2:Like I'm now that I'm close to chasing an aesthetic.
Speaker 1:So the weight now is about. It's starting to be about the look.
Speaker 2:Okay, so Should be about your health. It's about the look, but, yes, the look as well.
Speaker 1:And the way my wife been talking about me. I'm going to have to. I do not talk about you. Yeah, you said I ain't got no ass, so I got to start doing something.
Speaker 2:Okay, but you've never had an ass, even when you were 60 pounds heavier.
Speaker 1:I'm not.
Speaker 2:You don't have calves or ass. It's fine you know what?
Speaker 1:Okay, what we got today. No, what we're done. What is the problem? She's done nothing, but take shots at me all day, all day, she told me, my calves is little, my legs is little.
Speaker 2:I did not say anything that neither one of us have discussed or we know to be true or factual.
Speaker 1:Are you done?
Speaker 2:No, I'm not Okay. I Are you done? No, I'm not Okay. I love my husband and his small shins and calves. Okay, okay, okay. And the?
Speaker 1:way his, the way his quad, the way his quads are starting to form around around his kneecaps.
Speaker 2:It's, it's making it better. It looks good. You come for me every day, all day.
Speaker 1:I'm just happy that I'm no longer a B cup. I could probably fit an A cup down. Actually, I think I can go brawless. I think I can go brawless now when have you ever worn a bra? I'm just saying, my titties are shrinking oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I can go brawless now. When have you?
Speaker 1:ever worn a bra. I'm just saying my titties are shrinking. Oh my gosh. Yeah, I can't Dang. I mean, pretty soon I'm not going to be able to call myself a big boy.
Speaker 2:It's been a part of your identity for so long.
Speaker 1:I mean, I can still say I'm a big boy. In other words, see, this is what I'm talking about, what we got today, because I'm because. Because what we got today, I'm about to relate to go ahead.
Speaker 2:Oh, before we hop into that, I wanted to, um, I was gonna ask you, like you know, current events, like anything that's happening, current event wise with you that you like to share, like anything newsworthy looking for lawyers what are you looking for a lawyer for?
Speaker 1:see, see how much I'm gonna lose if I leave not much because I'm not welcome here you're not gonna lose much I'm not welcome here. Just half, you can have it half in the house. That's it yeah, actually I can sleep in my car. Hey, I can shower at work better you than me.
Speaker 2:I can shower at work in the gym. That's it. I can sleep in my car. Hey, I can shower at work. Better you than me. I can shower at work in the gym Better you than me.
Speaker 1:According to our friend Jennifer, it's not that bad. The showers in the gym are not that bad.
Speaker 2:At least it's not like old school, like 80s open shower.
Speaker 1:If it was, I'd just be in there day out.
Speaker 2:Wouldn't bother me. Have you ever been to a men's locker room like I played sports, like you just are you. You guys have individual showers though in your locker room, right?
Speaker 1:yeah, well in high school. Just one big ass shower.
Speaker 2:You just out there, dig out yeah, you want your balls to be clean. Yeah, no, you're gonna look at it or not? No, I've been in the stalls where you have to buy like your own little curtain, but it's like the not the full curtain that goes all the way up, it's just like the half curtain. I did that when I was. I did that two weeks day.
Speaker 1:Oh, we got today.
Speaker 2:So today we're going to be talking about relationship burnout.
Speaker 1:I'm spent.
Speaker 2:Right, right Same.
Speaker 1:I'm spent.
Speaker 2:Same Relationship burnout? Ok, have Relationship burnout. Okay, have you experienced relationship burnout? I'm currently experiencing it. If so, dial the number at the bottom of your screen, ain't?
Speaker 1:no number going to be there. I don't know why you said that I'm not putting no number.
Speaker 2:I just feel like saying it.
Speaker 1:I'm going to put your phone number up there.
Speaker 2:Boy, you better not put my damn number up on the interwebs. That's going to be terrible for you. No, it's not. Yeah, it is. You don't answer the phone anyway. It's not about me answering the phone, it's the safety and well-being of your family.
Speaker 1:Oh, you get a new number, but apparently you don't care If I got you a new phone with a new number. That would throw your whole life off.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, don't do that. Don't do that. That's. That's like using the password that they recommend for you. That would throw your whole life off. No, because you know what already through sorry side. No, guys, we're gonna get into it, but you know what already throws me off the fact that you set my phone to um automatically send any calls that are not part of my contact to voicemail yeah so like my sister's friend had called me because she wanted to uh leave a message.
Speaker 1:Oh, you can't, yeah, so and so she had.
Speaker 2:She ended up texting me and she was like girl, every time I'm calling is going straight to voicemail and I was like I could have sworn. I had your number saved but it wasn't saved. So every call that I get it goes straight. If you're not in my contacts, it goes straight to voicemail I don't know how you set that up, but you did.
Speaker 1:You're welcome because that's how I live my life. It is it is suffering.
Speaker 2:You better leave a message because the only people that's getting through are the people I know, and if you're not a person, I know that it must not be important.
Speaker 1:You see how I do it. If you, if you have my number and you're supposed to have it, you're saved. Okay, if you're not supposed to have it. You're not saved, which means I ain't going to get the call anyway, but let's get into it.
Speaker 2:I think that's a lot, babe. I think I might have you.
Speaker 1:I think I might have you change that, okay, anyway, I'm not um. So relationship burnout this is what this episode is about. Um, as you guys can see, we've had burnout in this in this marriage multiple times. Um, we typically, we typically, you know, what do you do?
Speaker 2:what do?
Speaker 1:we do. We go reset. We typically, you know, shut up. Y'all see how I do it. She know that I have a speech impediment and she make fun of me all the time, make fun of this. She know that I have a speech impediment and she make fun of me all the time, make fun of this man. She know that sometimes it's hard for me to say.
Speaker 1:This is how we love on each other. She know that sometimes it's hard for me to say things with a certain P and S. It's fine. It's fine it took me you been trying to get sympathy points so bad and it took me over 30 years to say steak instead of snake, so don't come for me. You could have kept that to yourself. See, see how you been playing. She supposed to love me. Y'all see this, I love him.
Speaker 1:Okay, this is going to be a short episode. Let's go, go ahead, come on, it might be because I got the giggles oh. Lord.
Speaker 2:Okay, so relationship burnout. All right guys. What is relationship burnout? I'm sure if you've been in a long-term relationship it kind of goes without explaining, for you know what I mean. But for those who may have not been in a long-term relationship, long enough for your partner to just be draining the life out of you sometimes it's emotional.
Speaker 1:In a bad way.
Speaker 2:It's emotional exhaustion.
Speaker 1:Draining the life out of you in a bad way, not a good way.
Speaker 2:And feeling drained.
Speaker 1:But if they drain the life out of you in a good way.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, increased irritability or resentment toward your partner oh okay. Feeling disconnected or indifferent toward your partner Okay. Or avoiding intimacy or quality time okay quick question have you ever avoided quality time with?
Speaker 1:me, yes, yes same.
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah, I'm thinking about it today. You're not, I am, you're not I might just leave no, you won't leave you with your child no, you won't, because if you leave me with her, then her and I I will just leave, and then that would defeat your whole Anyway.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes. And so the studies indicate that 40 percent of individuals believe that high stress levels adversely affect their relationships with their their relationships and 34 percent feel like it impacts their partnerships their relationships and 34% feel like it impacts their their partnerships. So meaning, 34% of people believe that the high stress is what leads to the relationship burnout.
Speaker 2:I think that I think that directly relates to the things in your individual life. So usually it's things like work, um, kids, it could be. Kids could be money. It could be uh, it could be kids could be money. It could be your social status, it could be just how you're feeling about yourself in general and you allow that to affect you so much that you bring it into the relationship and it's like all that negative energy that you're not processing all the negative emotion and then you're bringing it into the relationship.
Speaker 1:And for a lot of people it's pushing off onto their partner.
Speaker 2:I'm happy you said that.
Speaker 1:I'm happy. I said that too, because I was going somewhere with it but let me cut you off, okay, because they people should state that emotion, emotional labor disparity as a reason for burnout, right, and so I actually wanted to get your opinion on something, because the concept of mankeeping right this is what they call it, the concept of mankeeping. Right mankeeping, and this is what they say it is. I ain't never heard of this.
Speaker 2:I've never heard of that either. Please enlighten me.
Speaker 1:But they say mankeeping is where women show the emotional burdens of their male partners and it adds to their mental load, potentially leading to burnout and resentment.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:So do you believe that you're over here, mankeeping?
Speaker 2:I don't think I mankeep from that by that definition. I don't think that I mankeep like on a continuous clock, a continuous basis, but I do mankeep.
Speaker 1:Okay. Are you able to mankeep on a continuous clock at a continuous basis?
Speaker 2:You know what?
Speaker 1:I'm just trying to see how much I could dump, dump over here you dump quite a bit, but for me about 20 listen here, but for me, hold on what so do you think that you is that valid? Do you think that's part from a woman's point of view? You think that's why they're they're just they're being emotionally overloaded?
Speaker 2:it could be that they're being emotionally over, but I'm speaking from, like, the aspect of, for instance, knowing your mood, right. So I know if I need to come to you with something, but I'm already gauging your mood. It's not going to be the opportune time for me to come to you with it, because I don't want to have to deal with your reaction. The emotional reaction you're going to have to what I'm coming to you with and therefore now I'm finding myself like that's a part of me managing your emotions, because I know at this point I'm trying to keep him stable. Or when you're happy, at this point I'm trying to keep him happy, you don't mean off the cliff, huh.
Speaker 2:Well, it's not just about that, it's that I just don't want to deal with it because obviously I'm already dealing with something right. So, to come to you with something else, and I know that it's going to alter your, your attitude, further, and that's going to be something else that, emotionally I have to navigate through, emotionally have to. You know, uh, work, work with. I'm just it's cut the tape just cut the tape.
Speaker 2:Okay, just just cut the tape. You know it, just cut the tape. You know it's like I'm looking at you and I'm looking at the people. You know what I'm saying. Yeah, it's like managing your emotions. I don't. I don't think that you are aware of how much. It sounds weird and maybe I'm not explaining it the right way, but I don't think you understand how much I try to.
Speaker 2:Not necessarily maybe manage is not the appropriate word manage your emotions, but I guess, like, consider your emotions, if that makes sense you don't think I consider you okay, but see you what you just did there I was, but here's the thing but do you see what you just? Did there. I'm talking to you from my perspective and immediately you interjected yourself as me, like saying you don't do something.
Speaker 1:Hold on, let me tell you why I did that.
Speaker 2:Because when. I heard that my spidey sense said hold up. No, you felt attacked. We did an episode on this before, guys.
Speaker 1:My spidey sense said hold up now, because I feel like that's that's a two-way street it is a two-way street, but I'm just telling you from my perspective. I will admit that you probably do a lot more than I do, because sometimes, especially if I'm in a, if I'm in a mood, well, because you're always in a mood okay, that's the thing, you're all okay.
Speaker 2:For example, prime example, guys, I I can see when my husband's attitude is altered, right, I can see when his emotional's attitude is altered right, I can see when his emotional state is altered, excuse me.
Speaker 2:So he says, when I had told him I was like okay, now you're getting frustrated and you're getting an attitude. He's like I don't have an attitude. I keep telling you I don't have an attitude. Okay, what are you feeling right now? I'm just annoyed. That's an emotion. The emotion don't have an attitude. Okay, what are you feeling right now? I'm just annoyed. That's an emotion. The emotion is altering your attitude.
Speaker 1:Therefore, I'm telling you, you have an attitude.
Speaker 2:It was not, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to pick up on it Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to pick up on it.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to argue with you in front of these people. We're not I'm going to keep the facade of a happy, healthy marriage and I don't want people not the facade Jesus. I don't want people to see your true colors and how I am you guys should see, if you're listening, I'm double blinking.
Speaker 2:I was just going to say are you double blinking for help?
Speaker 1:oh my gosh, how I need help here, because I'm being held wait how you going to double blink and then ask for help.
Speaker 2:Hold on.
Speaker 1:So double blink wants to help, I know I know another, another I think for us, I think another form of burnout or cause of burnout, I think for us personally was major and I think this is where our burnout kind of happened or kind of recurrently happened in our relationship. What? And it's the work-induced relationship strain. Okay, so, basically Explain it's the burnout from work that can spill over into your personal life, right.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Leading to irritability, detachment, reduced libido and just kind of overall strain, right. So reduce libido and just kind of overall strain, right. So like when, when work is stressing you out, because we went through this a lot, cause like when you were out there in the job market. Say it like that Okay.
Speaker 1:When I was, when I was in the job market when you were out there in the working field, when you're out there in them work streets and you was working and you were, you know, you had your little manager hat on and you was, I was very tunneled vision. You were very, very tunneled vision. But then when things was going awry at work and then how you would come home and work and then like your life became like 85% work and then so then it was like the stress from that. You were always irritable about work. So when you came home I had to listen to about work for an hour, right, and then you, you were a lot of times you were completely detached to my needs.
Speaker 1:Okay, what I wanted, okay, right, and we're not gonna talk about the libido because all you want to do is cuss bitches out. You weren't. Even that doesn't have anything to do. You were. So they were. You were just like you know what you were. So good, work would take so much out of you that when you got home all you wanted to do was sleep, yeah, but I didn't. But then when you got up, all you would do was work.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So, it was very tunnel vision.
Speaker 1:Work with your life.
Speaker 2:It wasn't my life, but it took up a large portion of my life, but it was. But I mean you knew, but you knew.
Speaker 1:But what I'm saying is that that was a situation in which I had to you had burnout. We had burnout and I knew that the only way I could get you out of this rut is I had to take you. I had to go.
Speaker 2:You had to save me, babe.
Speaker 1:I had to go spend time with Vacation Bay.
Speaker 2:You love Vacation Bay.
Speaker 1:That's who I married.
Speaker 2:He's still referring to me. You guys, Just FYI.
Speaker 1:I married Vacation Bay Work Kynesha. I wanted to divorce her. Vacation Bay was what kept us together.
Speaker 2:Okay. Okay, so that time Taking me out of my element.
Speaker 1:Became very, very crucial Right, and that's something I had to be mindful of, because the stress of work, the stress of being a new mom, the stress of you know doing a lot. You know you were doing a lot.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I just wasn't on that list where I wanted to be.
Speaker 2:You were on the list I wasn't where I wanted to be. Okay, that's better put.
Speaker 1:That's what I said had you not been defensive and listened to me the first time. I wasn't where I wanted to be Right.
Speaker 1:So there's a lot like you said. So, like I was saying, there's other cause, there's a lot of causes that cause a relationship burnout. Yes, I feel like work is one of those. Routine and monotony, right, lack of communication, that's always a big one. I feel like we did have a period where I was not communicating to you enough or properly, and that's something that I had learned and that was something I learned to do myself and I had to take accountability for that.
Speaker 1:I said, Lord Jesus, I can't be mad at the woman if I ain't telling her.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Because I was just like the more you can keep to yourself, the better.
Speaker 1:You know what?
Speaker 2:That's the cycle we were in and that was the cycle and for me personally.
Speaker 1:I think my number one cause of burnout is the overcommitment. I think oftentimes I overcommit and under deliver and then when I get into it I'm like damn, I don't want to do all this.
Speaker 2:And what do I always tell you? Don't overcommit. I always tell him the one thing you cannot do. I'm not even going to say just me, I'm going to say for women in general I'm going to go ahead and speak for women in general.
Speaker 1:Please don't.
Speaker 2:One of the worst things you can do as a partner, especially as a man, is overcommit and underdeliver.
Speaker 1:I always put it down.
Speaker 2:When it comes to your wife, always put it down Point blank and period.
Speaker 1:Look here.
Speaker 2:Don't tell me all of the things. Don't tell me, oh, I'm planning this, I'm doing this.
Speaker 1:And that's why I just stopped telling you everything and you don't deliver. That's why.
Speaker 2:That's why it is the worst.
Speaker 1:Okay, and that's like okay, we're doing it today, I'm letting her today.
Speaker 2:now, that way, I can't, I can't mess it up I'm gonna let her know today because I know like I'm already on track to get it done today see my personality people is.
Speaker 1:I might have a really good tuesday and I'm like man. I'm right you be feeling it I'm riding a high and I'm like, hey, babe, on friday or saturday we doing this, this, this, this did this, and then I have a really bad thursday and'm like man.
Speaker 2:F, Friday and Saturday. I don't want to do that Diabolical. That Thursday affects the weekend.
Speaker 1:That's why I'm saying like you know, my vibe has to be consistent, for me to keep going, even when it gets like like you said, like you said before, like if something angers me and I can't get over it, I'm not fun to be around because I'm going to harp on what angered me and then now you're leaving me to manage that because you ain't got to manage it. You're choosing to manage it.
Speaker 2:No, but I have to because, especially, we have a child. So when you are in that headspace and you have your attitude going on, she can come over and be as innocent as possible or tell you that she wants to spend time with you, tell you that she misses you, or whatever, and you're snappy.
Speaker 1:And then when you get hold on, and then when you get, when you get snappy, or when I can see the irritation.
Speaker 2:Not like snappy, like you yelling at her but, I can see like the irritation and clean that up.
Speaker 2:I can see the irritation that you're having because maybe you just want to have a moment to yourself, or maybe because yeah, or anything like that. Now it's like I have to come in with the softer angle and be like babe, okay, how about you and mommy do something, because you know daddy's a little tired and you know, then I'm kind of catering to you like babe, you good, you need anything like that's the, that's the emotionally like the emotional handling, that's the, that's where that comes from. That can be emotional, but that can be emotionally fatiguing.
Speaker 2:Oh, okay, so that's that's a part of relationship, and I do it because I love you, but it's also that's the man keeping that's the man keeping. That's the man keeping right. So you know.
Speaker 1:But it is important to address the stressors, both absolutely, both externally, and internal stressors you have to address now. I will say shout out to my therapist, dr williams.
Speaker 2:Y'all shout out to dr williams y'all can't, y'all can't have her um. She has other clients um. She doesn't really like them.
Speaker 1:Um, she has helped me, or guided me through this process of addressing my internal things. Right, because for me the internal things greatly affect the external thing Absolutely. So I have to. I've learned to process my thoughts and emotions internally first. Like, honestly, this week at work was a good test, because there was a couple of times where I just wanted to go off on people, but I was like you said, three, two, one, one, two three, no, no. In my mind, I said bitch, and then I just walked away.
Speaker 2:With a long one Bitch.
Speaker 1:You said that, though you said that, I looked her right in the eye and in my mind I said right, so that you have to address these things, and that's part of communicating, because sometimes you got to communicate with yourself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely, sometimes you got it and you used to call me crazy for talking to myself.
Speaker 1:You talk to yourself out loud. That's the crazy part. You're talking to yourself out loud, Shut up baby, you talk to yourself out loud.
Speaker 2:Now, that's different.
Speaker 1:You're having a full-on conversation, like you're talking to two different people.
Speaker 2:But I don't answer my own questions.
Speaker 1:Like you were talking to Dennis and Victoria at the same time.
Speaker 2:Okay, they probably didn't even catch that. They probably didn't even catch that, but let me ask you this.
Speaker 1:So what are some ways to prevent and overcome burnout? Some ways to prevent and overcome burnout.
Speaker 2:Well, like we always say, I mean it's a relationship, marriage. Podcast communication Okay, Communication's always going to be.
Speaker 1:But what about? I want to talk to you.
Speaker 2:Then you need to take some time, talk to your therapist, get yourself straight and then come talk to me, okay, because you can't avoid communication. If you're going to try to avoid communication in your relationship, please break up.
Speaker 1:Okay, look here, I was just joking.
Speaker 2:That's odd. I love talking to you. That's odd. Unless y'all can be on the same page, that both of y'all just don't like to talk and y'all have a quiet relationship.
Speaker 1:Sometimes you tell me to shut up.
Speaker 2:That's interesting.
Speaker 1:No, we're not gonna have a quiet relationship.
Speaker 2:I got some shit to say. We should test it for like 24 hours.
Speaker 1:We can have a silent moment. We're not going to have a silent relationship.
Speaker 2:We should have like a silent 24 hours.
Speaker 1:No, we're not doing that. Another way to prevent and overcome burnout, like I was mentioning earlier, is to reconnect intentionally. Now this is where I shine, because I want to reconnect. You know you want to have the date nights. You want to break the routine. You want to go out. You know you want to have the. You want to have the date nights. You want to break the routine. You want to go out and do something fun together.
Speaker 2:We talked about that a little bit last week too, about the routine and how routines can be a little bit mundane.
Speaker 1:You got to break it up every now and then, guys, you got to go out there, you got to go out there and court.
Speaker 2:Right, somebody on the stroll and he just pulled up. Okay, first of all, don't do that.
Speaker 1:Don't do that. What Real quick Don't do that Because if I, if I pull up and I'm gonna ask you how much to win an argument.
Speaker 2:I love their video. I can't remember their name, but that video is priceless. How much to win an argument? A hundred bucks, all right, get in so.
Speaker 1:I love it. It is important, yeah, because you have to experience each other out of the normal experience. Okay, you know what I'm saying, outside of mom and dad, outside of your roles you play in the house, just to go outside and just have the conversation and do the things you would do before the burdens of life was on top of you. Yeah, you know what.
Speaker 2:I'm saying, but I think to the self-care boundaries Okay, right, right okay like my gym so that's what I was gonna say.
Speaker 2:So okay, for instance I'll use this as an example the gym right, we both we both have prioritized the gym, the gym right and it's like, even though we have things that we have to do together, like like as husband and wife or as parents, and we got to get certain things done, we both have set a boundary that, regardless of what you're going through, what you say, I still have to get this done for myself. I'm going to the gym you know what I mean Like when you need to take your walks. It's like, hey, can we manage to where you get back at one o'clock so I can try to take my walk by two o'clock. And then I'm like okay, let me try to make sure I get to the gym on time for myself so that you can have your turn right.
Speaker 1:I always say I said I don't want to walk in the dark, but I will right, like, like I did, I didn't want to work out at 9 pm last night, but I did. That was your fault.
Speaker 2:You had a job well, I worked yesterday and, oh gosh, I forgot, that's what I forgot to say in how my day went earlier today. But it's neither here nor there. Um, but yes, but I the. The point is is that that was a priority and I know that I, I think I it's safe to say prior to us making this a priority. It when it being late, and especially if it was like a night you had to work or something you probably would have been like, can, like, can you come home or can you just do it tomorrow?
Speaker 1:because we have regardless.
Speaker 2:I mean now yes, that's what I'm saying, but I'm talking about, like prior, you probably been like it's late and I don't want you out there late and you don't need to be. You know what I mean. But now it's that we both have set that as like a boundary. You know what I mean. Like, just so you know. But regardless, I'm gonna do this for me, because this is where I am right now and this is what I've said as a priority.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna say this, but I I do attempt to go in times where it doesn't really necessarily affect you, so like I'll get up early, even when I'm off to go to the gym, so that it doesn't really affect what we have going on for the week. Well, that's just you carving out the time, though, for yourself, and that's the whole point, the self-care, because I think a lot of people are like it's diabolical that you're getting up at four o'clock to go to the gym. Well, it's important to me.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And, honestly, like I enjoy it. It's one of my happy place until I look across the room and I see the same lady on the goddamn adductor machine for 20 minutes looking at her damn phone.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's frustrating, but um, so yeah, the self-care boundaries, uh, balancing your togetherness while balancing your individual, your personal space, your personal space, and we've we've talked about that before Like it is so important for you to have an individual kind of personality, even if you're in a marriage like listen, I love my husband, I love this man. We'll go to the ends of the earth for this man, but I also enjoy my time to myself she enjoys, I enjoy a nice cup of hot tea on the couch.
Speaker 1:Say the real. She enjoys a nice bowl, a nice acai bowl, and parked at the back of Michael's when she can't be bothered.
Speaker 2:First of all, I park in the back of Jerome's, not Michael's.
Speaker 1:Like a common streetwalker.
Speaker 2:I park in the back of Jerome's where they make the deliveries, and it's under a tree where I'm still seen. But I also have time to sit there and watch my movie and eat my acai bowl. Okay.
Speaker 1:These are the things I like to do by myself, okay, so self-care and boundaries are are important, and we've done a good job at establishing those in our marriage. Another thing is you is to try to seek new experiences, right Again, getting out of the routine. Try to do something new, either by yourself or even with your partner. Try to have new experiences, because even if you do something new without your partner now, you come back to them with something else to talk about. And then here's the thing we have a new subject matter.
Speaker 2:I get excited when I literally do, and I'm not just saying this for like word candy. I get excited when you have experienced something that has made you excited and when you come back to me and you're talking about it and you're like, babe, oh my gosh, like the like the other day, I know when, like when you came to me and you're like, oh, you've been ATV writing before, but it's been a while. So I know, like you going ATV writing with your friend, and then the stories that I'll hear when you come back and I'm just like like that brings me joy, but I don't want you to do the ATV riding, but it brings me joy to see the excitement.
Speaker 1:I made a couple of bins.
Speaker 2:What.
Speaker 1:I made the bin.
Speaker 2:Okay, but it just makes me excited when you're having new experiences or you've done something that you haven't done in a long time and you come back to me with such excitement to tell me about it. I get excited too, because I enjoy seeing you light up, I enjoy seeing your smile, I enjoy seeing you in a happy type of attitude.
Speaker 1:You know what I'm saying, so I think that's really important I can I can reciprocate that like, but to you like, you don't really go out there and do new things.
Speaker 1:I don't know you, but but what you do is you go, you go to your same I do the things that make me happy you go to your same spot and you're like babe, I was in sephora today and I've been, I've been really wanting to try this, I've been really wanting to try and they just and they just happen to have my or you'd be like, I walked in, babe, they only had one left. So you know I had to get it.
Speaker 2:I had to get it.
Speaker 1:It was meant to be.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I'd be like she really excited about whatever this one item is. I remember that one time you got excited I think it was for like you wanted to try out like this lip balm or something it. But it was for like you wanted to try out like this lip balm or something it's a lip balm.
Speaker 1:I don't know what it is, I don't know all the technical stuff, but you have been looking for it for so long. When you finally found it, you were so excited and then you were like, well, and then you tried it and you actually liked it.
Speaker 2:And you're like well, I got to use this apparently because I don't know if I'm going to be coming back in stock. So once you make your first purchase, and then that's when you get into the headspace of why I should just buy three, you see, I bought four Greek yogurts last time.
Speaker 2:I'm playing with these people buying all of them yogurts he went to Target and he was like they only have four left, so I bought them all. I'm not playing these games. I don't know when they're going to restock. I'm not playing these games with these people. I bought them all, so we have like a refrigerator full of yogurt. I'm not playing with these people Because you just never know, because how fast we go.
Speaker 1:I would go do it right. And finally, I mean, if you tried all these things and nothing seemed to work, then you know, charla, maybe a little counseling, a little therapy might help you. I don't think we've ever got to the part where we need a therapy.
Speaker 2:I think, I think therapy. Here's the thing. I think therapy is also good for maintenance.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Explain, I think, elaborate, I think it's always it could be a good idea to have an objective opinion or an objective say about um something you may an unbiased opinion about something.
Speaker 2:it may not even be something major in your relationship, but if it's like, maybe, a disagreement that you guys continuously have over and over, okay right, and it's like it's something you just you can't get past, it's not like a deal breaker, it's not got you guys in a bad mood all the time, but it's something that you constantly keep coming back to, I would say it's not such a bad idea to go to therapy and get you know an unbiased point of view about how to look at a certain situation. Because, again, going back to communication, nine times out of 10, it's the way something's being communicated and the way something's being understood.
Speaker 2:Nine times out of 10, it's the way something's being communicated and it's the way something's being understood and having somebody on the outside being able to pull that out of both and say this is what's happening, this is what they mean. This is what, yeah, and this is the experience the other person's happening having. And then you know, this is what I'm telling you guys as a professional.
Speaker 1:This is how we can work through something like this because it's not as big as you guys make it seem to me. There's just a breakdown somewhere and it's. We're going to build it back together, okay, I mean I, I agree to some point, okay.
Speaker 2:What's the point in which you don't agree? I mean it can't.
Speaker 1:It's very expensive for maintenance. I mean I'm not going to have sessions. We ain't got nothing going on, you know, but it's very expensive for. I will say that one-on-one therapy we're going to just go on to see a therapist for yourself. Yes, it's very, very beneficial If you're being honest with yourself in your therapy.
Speaker 2:I was going.
Speaker 1:I was just about to say that in there, trying to make yourself look good trying to make yourself look good, so you can be like, so you can have somebody just back on your side, so you can have somebody just back up what you feel, then no, if you're not going to therapy to take accountability, then you're really just wasting your time.
Speaker 2:I mean, and if you have a good therapist, they will know the difference.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but some people just want the check. That's true, because I would Wow, maurice, you're right. She is wrong for you, wrong for you Pay me all my money.
Speaker 2:Pay the receptionist on your way out.
Speaker 1:Thank you.
Speaker 2:Actually you were supposed to pay her on your way in. We don't take. Look, we don't do partial payments anymore.
Speaker 1:We don't do payment plans and we don't take insurance.
Speaker 2:This will be a cash-only session today, as soon as they walk into my office, just your friendly reminder that this is a cash-only session today. I can write you a receipt if you need, but I will need cash and I do not have change. Don't forget to throw that in.
Speaker 1:So let's recap. What are some? What are the? They're going to take away five things, three to five things. What we say, what do you want them to take away?
Speaker 2:I would say break up the routine.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:I would say find a better way to communicate, if you're not already doing so, and I would say have a lot of sex.
Speaker 1:I triple on that last one.
Speaker 2:You also will be surprised how many issues you can get past very quickly, just by having some intimate moments, some physical intimate moments, some genuine physical down and okay, I'm getting a little.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're getting out there. Um, I always say and my wife knows that I am a lot more agreeable the morning after you put it get a lot more out of you if you put it on me you want to do it today? Yeah, sure, that's fine.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we can do that, no problem, you'd be like babe, whatever you want, it's whatever you want.
Speaker 1:I had this plan, but I can cancel it.
Speaker 2:You know, you, you did a great job or you wake up and you be like hey, babe, what do you need today? What do you need today? What do you want? I'm telling you, what do you?
Speaker 1:want and I'll be like hmm, I don't know when you put it on me it motivates me to be a better husband.
Speaker 2:You'd be surprised. You know the physical intimacy bringing each other together. I'm not saying it's just going to blanket or mask whatever the issue could be, but as far as like what we're talking about today, as far as like the burnout and stuff because we know what starts to suffer and what starts getting left behind is the intimacy right. When all these attitudes is flying and people ain't feeling each other and you emotionally overloaded and all that, the last thing you want to do is be coddled up with somebody or have somebody rubbing and touching on you. But I'm telling you, if you can go ahead and get past that little hump right and we can just be like you know what, let's just come together for this. It'll even make the conversations a little bit easier to bear about what it is that's bothering and then sometimes it's just a little aggression is needed to get out the aggression.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean. Oh my gosh. Okay, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:I don't, I don't, I don't know.
Speaker 1:Sometimes you gotta, just you know yeah, sometimes you just gotta what? Yeah, you know, I don't never I ain't, we ain't never had a problem. A couple backstrokes couldn't fix. I.
Speaker 2:I'm not, I don't, I don't really have, I don't really have anything to say about that actually, so you ain't gotta say it, it's already been said, okay, it's already been said.
Speaker 2:Alright, good discussion, babe, it was cool, it was good actually. So you ain't gotta say it's already been said. Okay, it's already been said. All right, good discussion, babe, it was cool, it was good, it was cool. All right, guys, heading on into our next segment of our two cents, our two cents. Okay, this is what I've got for you today, babe.
Speaker 2:Am I the asshole for leaving my date at the bar after she insulted my kids? Okay, about a month ago, I met a girl We'll call her Hope At this gaming group, hope or Ho Hope, oh, wow, hope. At this gaming group I attend. Okay, we're just in the talking stage now, but I like her a lot.
Speaker 2:Something to know about me is that I am divorced and I have two daughters, five and three, and I split custody with my ex-wife. I have the kids every other weekend and on Wednesdays and Thursdays. I guess Hope didn't know that I had kids, though she 100% knew that I was divorced. She and me were going to a pub, trivia last Sunday and I just dropped the girls off at my ex's place. I said something about it while we were ordering drinks and hope acted offended. She said that she didn't like kids and she didn't want kids and never wanted to hear or see my kids.
Speaker 2:That's okay with me, not everybody likes kids. But then she started getting very vulgar and calling them things like crotch goblings and sex fruits and stuff like that. I nicely told her to stop or that I would leave, but she just kept going on and on and on. I told her that I was ready to go and I canceled my drink and I went home. We haven't talked since and it's been almost a week. Am I the asshole for leaving hope at the pub when she called my kids crotch goblings? Not at all, not at all, not at all.
Speaker 1:She she crossed the line that you wasn't willing to let her cross, and you did the right thing. You didn't. You didn't cuss her out, you didn't call out her name, you didn't. You didn't, uh, advance a aggressive situation in any way, shape or form you. You simply just removed yourself from the conversation yeah now I will say this I as a, as a, as a parent, I I do call children many things, but I have that right because I'm a parent oh, is that what it is if you're not a parent, you can't say things like f them kids crotch gobbling cross gobbling sex fruit that's the one that threw me off Sex Fruit.
Speaker 2:Well, you know, I've never heard that.
Speaker 1:You know all of our baristas at Starbucks know our child as the Gremlin. Oh, yes, because I call her the Gremlin. Yeah, yeah, she's at home with the Gremlin, you know, because she's sweet until she gets her hair wet and she's cute.
Speaker 2:That's why I call her the gremlin she's sweet until she that girl do not like getting their hair done, so until she and when her hair get wet. And when her hair get wet, it's over that's why I call you.
Speaker 1:Never, you just picked up. That's why I call her the gremlin, so I can say these things I have child yeah because I say it in a joking matter right, obviously I love my child. Right, but for her to be this disgusted First of all, sir, you should have when she said that she didn't want kids and she didn't want to see your kids or like kids.
Speaker 2:why are we entertaining her?
Speaker 1:At this point you should know that she's not for you, because you're not.
Speaker 2:The relationship's going nowhere Because if you're willing to abandon your kids for this brawl.
Speaker 2:You're just as bad as she is. Well, he's not because he left. He left, but I think okay. So she knew that he was divorced. I would think the next question would be do you have kids? Right? Like she should have known that he had kids prior to the date, right? Or he should have mentioned that he had kids prior to the date, especially when she 100 knew that he was already divorced. Right, chances are that there's some children involved, right? But I do not think that you're the asshole for basically leaving Hope out there on Hope Street.
Speaker 1:Hope better Hope she got some luck.
Speaker 2:Because I would any person that speaks that way about children, whether they have children or not. I wouldn't want them around my children at all.
Speaker 1:Let me ask you this Do you think Hope is salty?
Speaker 2:because she can't want kids? The point is, is that the way she speaks about children, it's not right. It's not right. It makes me uneasy, and especially when you are a parent and you have someone speaking like that about kids, or speaking that way about your children, it's like red flag red flag Like you will never be around them, but she's already made it clear that she don't want to hear them, she don't want to be around them she ain't trying to do drop off like nothing.
Speaker 2:Hope said listen, I got kids, I ain't trying to drop off, listen. She said them kids, them kids.
Speaker 1:You got over there, keep them kids over but she also struck me as a type of person where she probably feels this way, but if she had a kid she'd be due to 180. You know, you know some people do that people do. Oh, I thought you like it, yeah, but my kid is different. No, it's not. It's just like well, like your little ball of snot.
Speaker 2:It's not different like people who say um, just because I have kids, don't be, don't mistake that for me liking. I don't, I don't like kids, I like my kid there. That's what people say.
Speaker 1:I like my there's a small group of kids that I like. I'm not gonna list their names because I don't want nobody to be hurt, but I do have a list I don't want to hurt.
Speaker 2:No feelings I don't want to hurt no feelings.
Speaker 1:I don't want to hurt no feelings, but there is a list, mm-hmm, and I mean, if I'm being honest with y'all, sometimes my kid get her name taken off, oh gosh. Okay, I'm just keeping up because this list is revolving.
Speaker 2:So you can come on, you can go off, you can come on, you can go off, but if I take you off more than twice, then you're on probation.
Speaker 1:Now you got to go to Now.
Speaker 2:I just got to reconsider. Even knowing you, you're on probation.
Speaker 1:Now I got to go to the review board. Now I got to talk to your parents to see what they're doing at home, Because sometimes it ain't the kids' fault, it's the parents' fault, and you know so by Maurice.
Speaker 2:Okay, all right, guys. This has been another episode of the Life After I Do podcast. Don't forget to like and follow us on our social media platforms and Instagram, facebook, youtube.
Speaker 1:TikTok, we do not have an OnlyPans.
Speaker 2:You can also write into the podcast at lifeafteridopodcast at gmailcom. We would love to hear from you guys and if you have not already joined the party, that is the comment section on TikTok.
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Speaker 2:You're missing it Because our comments it'd be a straight party up in there, okay. So head on over to TikTok, head on over to YouTube, head on over to Insta and Facebook. Give us a follow and share, guys.
Speaker 1:We appreciate the love on TikTok. We appreciate the love. Can y'all show us some love on YouTube and Instagram as well? Tiktok be lit though we appreciate y'all.
Speaker 2:We appreciate you guys and, as you know, every Wednesday it's going to be a new episode, so we will check in with you guys next week.
Speaker 1:Until next time go birds.
Speaker 2:Peace booskies, Go birds.
