Life After I Do Podcast
Marriage and relationships can be tough. You may feel like you’re the only one struggling but you’re not. Life After I do is a weekly podcast where Morice and Kynesha, a black married millennial couple, share their experiences and advice on everything from kids and family to intimacy and connection. Noting is off limits.
In their 21 years together and 7 years of marriage, Morice and Kynesha have learned a lot about what it takes to make a relationship work. They know the importance of communication, trust and commitment. They also know it’s okay to not have it all figured out.
Join them every Wednesday as they talk about their own journey of “Life After I do”.
Life After I Do Podcast
Rings, Riches & Regrets
This episode dives into the pitfalls of marrying for aesthetics, exploring how materialism overshadows genuine emotional connections. Through personal stories and insightful analysis, the hosts challenge societal norms that equate love with lavish weddings and extravagant rings. Tune in to rethink the foundation of your relationships and prioritize emotional intelligence over superficiality.
I need you to explain to me why you deserve a $30,000 ring, and her only response was because I deserve it. Hey, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of A Life After I Do the Podcast. How's everyone this wonderful Wednesday? I'm sorry, are you expecting?
Speaker 2:them to answer.
Speaker 1:I like to think that they answer in my head.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Whatever, hope everyone is having a lovely Wednesday morning, afternoon, night. Whenever you're listening to this, I hope it's started off to be a great day. I hope it's sunshine and rainbows sunshine, rainbows, unicorns All of the above. I just hope that you have a great day. I'll get you a puppy.
Speaker 2:I want to get a puppy.
Speaker 1:Hey, babe, hey.
Speaker 2:Booskies, how's it going. Meh.
Speaker 1:Why is it meh, meh, nah, I don't feel no way. I feel, uh. How was your week that's?
Speaker 2:indifferent. Okay, talk about it. I want you to talk about your week first. Why?
Speaker 1:because you just go first okay, I mean, I had a pretty decent week, that's great um, I hope everybody had a great valentine's day. I had a good valentine's day that's great I loved my flowers. My husband got me some really nice flowers. They were beautiful, favorite color.
Speaker 2:They got two more days than they did.
Speaker 1:Let's hope not. I put the plant food in there, not the plant food, the flower food stuff in there.
Speaker 2:How many times have you changed the water?
Speaker 1:Twice.
Speaker 2:Have you cut the ends?
Speaker 1:yes, okay they might have a, they might have a higher chance of survival this time. I mean, you know, I I don't have a strong track record of keeping flowers alive. You don't have no record.
Speaker 2:So I mean I do have a record I think your longest stint of letting flowers live was 46 hours.
Speaker 1:Okay, now you just want to. Actually, no, you're just trying to play in my face.
Speaker 2:This might be your longest.
Speaker 1:You're just trying to play in my face.
Speaker 2:It's been almost four days and you're going strong with these ones. So this is I am impressed. You should be, I am impressed.
Speaker 1:You should be. I mean, don't expect them to be here probably another week. Expect them to be here probably another week. I don't, I didn't expect to be here just long. I mean I like to say that I'm I've stepped my game up. I'm doing a little better, um, but anyway, yeah, so I had a good valentine's day. I hope everybody else out there had a great valentine's day. Um, valentine's day isn't like it's not. It's not one of those holidays that I get like super, super giddy about. I don't know, I've never been like super huge on.
Speaker 1:No, you do, but I've never been. I've never been like you know, like oh my gosh, valentine's Day and making this big hoopla Like I. You know you notice me and recognize me all throughout the year, but Valentine's Day I do like the extra little oomph, which is nice, but it's primarily extra little oomph which is nice, but it's primarily extra little oomph, but it's primarily for the kid. Now, because I just think it's really important for you to set that bar.
Speaker 1:Set that bar high for her. Yeah, she was really excited, though, like seeing her excitement when you were like oh, I got you something and she was looking like what For me? And I'm like Phoenix. I got you something and she was looking like what for me, and I'm like Phoenix. It's been like this every year. Relax, like stop trying to make it seem like you didn't get a Valentine's and give last year, calm down.
Speaker 2:She didn't eat yesterday.
Speaker 1:But anyway, yeah. So I had a good week there. Um, just been busy with the typical stuff, you know, the kid keeping up with her schedule, going to the gym. That's been working out really good. My show my elbow is starting to feel a little bit better. In case you guys didn't know, I had a little bit of like, I guess, tennis elbow, but it's getting a little better. I mean, I'm still not able to fully extend my arm all the way out when it's like in front of me, but you know, I don't really notice it as much when I'm lifting weights and I it could be because I'm trying to ignore it too, because I'm like Mind over matter.
Speaker 2:Push, push, push, push. Mind over matter.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and then when I'm done with my workout, I'll be like, oh gosh, my elbow's about to fall off.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm, okay so, but yeah, I had a pretty good week I was yours.
Speaker 1:This week showed me a lot of things. Oh my gosh, why, what, what, what did it show you?
Speaker 2:Everyone in this house.
Speaker 1:Uh-huh.
Speaker 2:On Valentine's Day got something.
Speaker 1:Uh-huh. By me, uh-huh I didn't get nothing. Okay.
Speaker 2:No one thought about me.
Speaker 1:That's not true. What do you always say? What do I say? Never to get you anything. That's not what I say.
Speaker 2:That's what you always say I accept all gifts.
Speaker 1:Okay, Next Valentine's Day. We are going to make it the best Valentine's Day ever.
Speaker 2:You're going to forget about this after we finish recording. No, so my weekend was just a long weekend.
Speaker 1:Okay, I need you to snap out of it. I need you to snap out of it. I'm telling you my week Cut it out. Cut it out Because he was not even behaving this way before. Now, all of a sudden, the cameras are rolling and the lights is on. Now he trying to be all melancholy. Stop it. Stop it, it was me, stop it.
Speaker 2:It was me.
Speaker 1:I gotta let the people know how I feel about my week. Okay, but don't switch up how you feel when we start recording.
Speaker 2:You know, the one thing I would say I did, I got. I went to one of my favorite restaurants with some friends on Valentine's Day, so I treated myself, so I got myself something, but my family didn't give me anything. Diabolical.
Speaker 1:My family didn't give me anything Diabolical, so you got yourself some dinner, yes, or did we go on a double date?
Speaker 2:I got myself a dinner with some friends. I'd like to thank my good friend Julie and Eric for their company.
Speaker 1:Just F me huh.
Speaker 2:On Valentine's Day, my wife didn't care she ate. She was there, she just didn't care about me. I'd like to thank my good friends for trying to salvage my Valentine's Day. Oh, for trying to salvage your Valentine'sine's day.
Speaker 1:For trying to salvage your valentine's day, my wife made sure that's so funny because you were like talking about how you're having so much fun and that you were so excited to be out with me and that we were just gonna like enjoy the evening and you were so hyper and I was putting on a brave face, to make sure to make sure that you enjoyed your day.
Speaker 2:Since you don't want to make it about me, I'm not doing this with you today. So I'm not doing this with you today.
Speaker 1:You know I don't want to do this, so that was, that was most of my week.
Speaker 2:On a positive tip, you know um, I've gotten a little stronger, pushing a little more heavier weight a little bit, a little bit. See, this is the more heavier weight. A little bit A little bit.
Speaker 1:See, this is the attitude you bring out of me. See what I'm saying. This is it.
Speaker 2:And yeah, I mean I just look forward to. Oh, actually, I did have a great week.
Speaker 1:Hold on, you see how that. You see the switch up.
Speaker 2:I thought about it. He was trying to like keep it like I thought about it.
Speaker 1:He was trying to keep it like I thought about it, and now he's like oh, I did have a good week. I'm telling y'all that he be putting on. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something.
Speaker 2:Obviously, I just thought about something that made me very happy. So my Valentine's Day was terrible, because my wife didn't think about me at all.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, but my week was great.
Speaker 2:So, about around last Thursday I get a call from my tax guy. Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:Bye, maurice.
Speaker 2:Shout out to Robert, if you don't need a tax guy, call me. I got a good tax guy and he calls me and he's like hey, Maurice, I got some numbers for you, do you want to know? And I said, look here, robert, I got enough bad news in my life. Oh my gosh, if I owe them, just send the paperwork. I'll see the amount when I sign the paper for you to file. If I don't owe them, then tell me the good news. And I got good news we don't owe this year, we don't owe, so that's a good news.
Speaker 1:We don't owe that. Actually, that was good news for me too, but I wasn't about you.
Speaker 2:I realize now, as your punishment for leaving me out of that time of day, you will not be seeing any of my tax money. What Y'all know she will not be seeing any A dime of our tax money Of my tax money, because all that tax money is coming from the hours I worked.
Speaker 1:The hours that we worked. The hours that we worked together, y' that we worked, we worked together.
Speaker 2:Y'all might see I might post a picture or two. When my taxes come in me and my daughter will be acting different. We'd be a little bougie.
Speaker 1:There will be signs. Take her to Chick-fil-A.
Speaker 2:We're going to go to Louis Vuitton and say let me talk to Louis.
Speaker 1:It's not a person. We came here to talk to Louis. Oh gosh, it's never a dull moment with you. That's so funny.
Speaker 2:That was actually that was really great, Really great. That was good. And then a good friend of mine told me how much he was getting and I said I need three more kids.
Speaker 1:No, absolutely not.
Speaker 2:So my plan is to work on that later. I'm going to just try to shoot for triplets, oh, okay.
Speaker 1:And then you know, yeah, until they change it and be like, oh no, if they were all born on the same day, then you can only Shit. Could you imagine Shit? Could you imagine Like what if somebody had five kids, right, but they can only Count as one?
Speaker 2:Diabolical.
Speaker 1:Because it was one pregnancy that produced five children. So in the eyes of the law're like oh no, sorry, that's one.
Speaker 2:I think it's wild that I've been able to make. I don't know how much I make, but I've been able to make the same amount working less in the last two years that's numbers for you, that's numbers how am I working less, making the same?
Speaker 1:yeah, it's numbers for you.
Speaker 2:Shout out to Big Brown because my raise is coming up soon.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:It's going to be nice for me and my daughter.
Speaker 1:I'm not worried about you. I'm not worried about you at all.
Speaker 2:My daughter and I we are going to live a great life.
Speaker 1:Oh are you, yes, Interesting. We're just trying to see whether or we are going to live a great life. Oh, are you yes?
Speaker 2:Interesting. We're just trying to see whether or not we're going to include her mother.
Speaker 1:I mean, you don't have to make an effort to include me because I'm like, I'm so a part of it that you don't have to include me. I'm like there, it's like right there.
Speaker 2:We like the separation of church and state. Okay, smo and fee, and then there's just guy.
Speaker 1:This is, you know, marriage is like like 80%, just like you and your spouse Talking shit, just talking shit.
Speaker 2:No, you can get them triplets though. Okay, no, you gotta take that up with the good lord sir you either gotta let her be a big sister or get her a cat listen here.
Speaker 1:Okay, the whole topic of the, the cat topic that's been happening within our household since december, it it needs to stop. Okay, it needs to stop. Okay, it needs to stop, because I feel as though you guys are trying to break me down and you feel like if you just chip at me just a little bit each day that I'm just going to give in and just give the kid a cat.
Speaker 2:But my daughter on the way to the park. Yesterday, when we were walking to the park, she said Dad, I just wish I had a cat.
Speaker 1:Okay. So what's funny? I think I had told you when I was watching her from practice the other night. Well, like a week ago, two weeks ago, there was this gray and white cat that, just like, was walking past the gym and I looked at it for a second and I was like I mean I could just swoop you up and take you to the vet and make sure you're not sick or something, and then give her the cat.
Speaker 1:But you know, I was like but then I would have to touch it, then it would have to be in my car and it's a cat. And I was like ugh, like immediately. I was like ugh, it's a cat.
Speaker 2:We over time because your week took too long.
Speaker 1:My week took too long. You started off in a depressive state and then had something that you remembered, and now it's like because I was sad Friday no one, oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:No one cared about me but Eric and Julie no one.
Speaker 1:That's funny because I made reservations. That's diabolical.
Speaker 2:My phone.
Speaker 1:That's diabolical. No, I did not. It's diabolical that I made reservations to what I know to be his favorite restaurant and called him and told him that I made reservations for his favorite restaurant that we always end up having to wait for. So I was like, oh, I know exactly what my husband's going to want to eat tonight. I know exactly what would put a smile on his face I'm going to make reservations for his favorite restaurant. And then you sit up here and say that I didn't care about you on Valentine's Day, that I didn't think of you on Valentine's Day. The cat is people.
Speaker 2:Wild people. This is the last I'm going to say about this. Don't believe her height. My wife wanted the orange chicken from this place and that's why she made the reservation.
Speaker 1:I made the reservation. Is it or is it not one of your favorite restaurants?
Speaker 2:It's my favorite place to get egg rolls.
Speaker 1:Is it or is it not, one of your favorite? Well, we got the label. No, uh-uh, I'm not movinging you. Yep, is it or is it not?
Speaker 2:They have great egg rolls and great guozi. I'm going to pull your beard, you wouldn't be the first time.
Speaker 1:You like the restaurant I do like the restaurant.
Speaker 2:You have made the claim that it is your favorite.
Speaker 1:You have made the claim. It's not my favorite restaurant.
Speaker 2:It's my favorite place. It's my favorite local place to get egg rolls in.
Speaker 1:Guadalupe.
Speaker 2:It ain't.
Speaker 1:Dwayne's Life with you is interesting.
Speaker 2:It ain't Dwayne's, it ain't Bungalow.
Speaker 1:I don't even think the Bungalow is even in business anymore.
Speaker 2:Yes, it is, I looked it up.
Speaker 1:When did you look it up? A couple weeks ago. Why are you going to lie? I'm not lying. I just saw your lie face. I'm not lying.
Speaker 2:Someone has an anniversary coming up.
Speaker 1:Okay, but.
Speaker 2:And I'm actually planning something for you, but I shouldn't, because obviously I wouldn't thought about. But you know, I digress what we got today, booskies, what we got today.
Speaker 1:Something I should have done. Married for aesthetics, because you call me ugly.
Speaker 2:Because I'm out, I'm done, okay, wow oh no, no.
Speaker 1:Today I wanted to talk to you and just kind of shoot the shit about. You know people who marry for aesthetics and materialism. Some pros and cons to marrying for aesthetics and materialism go ahead oh my gosh, I'm teasing you he was tasting me for those of you who got that reference rip bernie yeah. Rest in peace, Bernie Mac. But yeah, so people who marry for aesthetics and materialism.
Speaker 1:So, I had came across this another clip and they were discussing how, you know, women are asking for big rings and expensive rings, and he had a female who said that her ring needed to be a minimum of 30 K, and he was like what makes you think you deserve a ring that's worth $30,000? And you want to be like? Her claim is that she wants a 1% man and she wants a wedding ring or an engagement ring that's at least a minimum 30 K. So she want to walk around here with a model three basically. And so he was like I'm a. He was like I just looked at her because that's what a man who's in the 1% would do, which is just look at you and I need you to explain to me why you deserve 30, a $30,000 ring. And her only response was because I deserve it.
Speaker 1:And that's probably that's a lot of people's mentality. It is a lot of people's mentality. So I was just thinking cause of course you know me and the rabbit holes so if you stay on something too long, that's exactly what social media will do. It just shows you more of it. So then I went down the rabbit hole about the vast majority videos that I kept finding about people talking that they don't want the marriage if they can't get pretty much the aesthetic, like the wedding day, the dress, the ring, and I was just thinking, like people are not really out here considering trying to spend even a half of a lifetime with somebody if things don't look good or if they can't get the material effect out of it. What do you think about that?
Speaker 2:I think people are naive.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:And you can. You can look well put together or you won't. That don't mean you're not dealing with turmoil and depression and a whole slew of things on the inside. Looks don't equal how you feel or the reality in which you're living in Right, because you can have every worldly possession you want and be miserable.
Speaker 1:That is true. That is true, but not only that. What happens if? Because the only thing I can think about is what happens if someone sells you the facade right, or even if they don't sell you the facade. What if things start off where you're living the lavish life, you had the lavish wedding, you've got the big ring, you do the vacations, everything looks good. You marry someone, a 1% man or a man who's at the top of his game financially, then what happens when he loses it all?
Speaker 2:9 times out of 10.
Speaker 1:She's probably going to leave because she wasn't winning for the right reason to start with yeah, that's true, but do you think that she would have to look at me like that?
Speaker 2:no, I just thought about, uh, I just thought about julie oh uh, but do you think that hold? On because she's gonna hear that I thought about what she said. You can't see a wall in the picture oh, no, no, that wasn't it.
Speaker 1:That was an inside, an inside joke with a few of our um, one of our best friend married couples, um, but yeah, so I it. But it just made me think about, okay, I, I think. I think what I can't wrap my head around, okay, right, is considering going through something as heavy and as legal as a marriage, on the foundation that this person provides you with things Right with things right, and then, once the things are not there, it's just like you're not there like if that, if that's a mutual agreement.
Speaker 1:If it's an understanding, I think that's different. Like don't get me wrong, right? I think that's different. If it's like a mutual understanding, the mutual understanding is you take care of me and the other mutual understanding is you look good and do what I need for you to do. Like if that's the terms in agreement of your relationship, by all means, who am I who? Who am I to judge?
Speaker 1:You know what I'm saying, but I just think that it sets this type of like foundation, especially for the younger, that these things outweigh people's mental health, people's character. You know what I'm saying. Like for them to see things like that, because they see like, oh, she got the pretty big ring, oh, they take vacations, oh, he has money, and then it's like it's easy to love, it's easy to love someone or you know what I mean, you know what I'm saying. It's easy to have the love feelings and the love chemicals in your brain when everything appears to be smooth sailing, or if you are on, you know, aka easy street or things you have, all of the things that make you happy.
Speaker 2:But then again, like I said, it's like a lot of times that's just a facade. That's just a facade, it's. They want to appear one way and, like I said, they could be going through turmoil. Yeah, constantly, because he's with her for her looks, she's with him for what he provides. But on a more, on a, on a deeper level, on a spiritual level, they don't mesh Right, you know so. They they're never in agreeance on anything.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know and I, and the thing is, you can get married for those, for those reasons. But if you're talking about being married in a sense of sustainability, the connection or the compatibility has to start from within. It's not necessarily on a material or well.
Speaker 2:I mean aesthetics is there because you have to be visually pleasing to one another to even engage in the conversation with one another. Yeah, you do. But as far as the material things like that, material things are something for me personally I would say is it's, it's on the bottom of the list because I care more about who my partner is on the inside, like I wouldn't be able to go out and do the things I do, work the hours I work, if I felt like he wasn't deserving of my efforts. You know what I'm saying and I know me in particular. I'm just not the guy. I'm not going to just do something Cause you look pretty Like I don't, because I mean it's kind of harsh to say but I, there's plenty of uh, there's uh plenty fish in the pond and I'd rather go find the fish I'm compatible with and and and bust my ass for her than just for you because you think you at the top of the other chain because, because you, because you think, because you can use the bait just as quick, right?
Speaker 2:so that's just, that's just my mentality.
Speaker 2:I don't think, um and I and I and I really would hope and think that people would understand that you have to have some kind of connection, and but I understand that there's people out here who are, um, from a woman's point of view, just looking for stability, and they will.
Speaker 2:They will, uh, acquiesce or settle for things or for men that they necessarily wouldn't see themselves with or don't have really connection with, because he provides stability and they're okay with that. And that's where their level of concern stops. They're not looking for anything. They will forego the deep connection, the deep bond, the deep love, the deep mutual respect. If he, he's able to provide them with a good, stable life in which they can be the stay-at-home mother, they can drive the newest thing, they can have the latest clothes or whatever the case may be, if he provides her with that level of status in life, they're more than willing to play that role for their own stability. Especially, I feel like, especially when it's in a situation to where they come from, a situation to where they necessarily are not used to having things and now they're saying, oh okay, I can, I can, I can maintain this level of dress up to make my life easier.
Speaker 1:I mean, and I and I and I can understand that and I can get that, and that's also like I think it would be dismissive to say that that doesn't play a part, even with women who don't just marry, for you know aesthetics or you know money or whatever stability is is like it's right there. You know what I mean. Like you, of course, you want to marry for stability, for life stability, financial stability. There is nothing wrong with that. I think what I'm saying is is what they were saying in the clip that I was gathering is, that being just the only reason, the only reason right Cause I'm not saying like I'm not saying stability isn't something you shouldn't look for right right, but again I'll take us for example.
Speaker 2:Right it's, we were not. We were in no way shape or form stable for most of the relationship right right. We were day to day, check by check, week by week. We got through this week but we were working towards stability, right. And then when we achieve that, now that we have achieved stability, and we reflect on what we went through in our past, our trials, our earlier years, our trials, our tribulations and our growth, and how we stood by each other and stood for each other.
Speaker 2:I think we have a mutual respect and a mutual loyalty to each other because we are literally in a phase in life where we were able to be with each other through all phases of life. Yeah Right, like I always tell you, like you held me down when I had nothing Right, so you deserve everything when I obtain, except for my tax money. You observe everything when I attain it right, so like I would not be where I am in life now without you I am not blind or oblivious to that that the strength that you gave me, the strength that you stood by me, the support that you gave me, put me in this position to evolve and become into the role I play as your husband. I'm aware of that. So in my eyes, it doesn't really matter. It doesn't really matter going forward, what may be pleasing or easy on the eyes of me, I feel like in my eyes, you have earned my loyalty throughout, no matter what. There is no other option for me.
Speaker 1:There's no BBL big enough.
Speaker 2:I don't like BBLs anyway.
Speaker 2:There's no woman that could come in and take your place in a position where she could ever even have your position Right, because your position that can only be filled by you.
Speaker 2:Because the level of trust and the level of support that I get from you and that I have for you I cannot personally provide this, to personally provide this to anyone else because you're the only woman that I trust with all my being Like I, I, like I, I can.
Speaker 2:I have full, full, I have full faith and confidence in you that when I leave here, if I leave home, if I go do anything, that the version of you, that you, that I was around when I was here, is the same version that's going to be here when I got back and the same version that's going to maintain you throughout your day, no matter where you go. I know that you're not going to deviate from who you are based on, who's around you. I know that the version of Kinesha I get is the version of Kinesha everyone gets, and I think that that part is really crucial to the longevity and the stability of our own, of our own marriage, because we are at a place where the stability and the comfort in each other can outweigh any, any level of temptation, like even when you, even when things are rocky or maybe we have some troubles, it's still nothing else out there. That's more appealing to me than you.
Speaker 1:Now I can't speak for you. Yeah, I know Hefty. Oh my gosh, Really that was a low blow, yeah you like them low? No.
Speaker 2:You like them? Shorts low.
Speaker 1:He's referring to. You know, we give people nicknames at the gym and there's this one guy at the gym and I have given him the nickname Hefty because he a big boy. You know, he a big boy, but he be walking around with like nine inch seam shorts, you know, and he a big boy, but yeah, hey, yeah, okay, be walking around with like nine inch seam shorts. You know I need a big boy, but yeah, same, yeah, okay, okay. So I had found an interesting, um, an interesting uh data point. It says couples who marry at age 20 are 50 percent more likely to divorce than those who wait till 25 or 28, which is apparently seems to be the most stable age to get married at, which is 28, for longevity. So I thought that was really interesting because when I was doing my scrolling, more so the videos that were popping up were the young 20 something oh yeah, of course who were showcasing the one without live experience yeah, that, that's what it is yes that's what it is.
Speaker 1:so, but that's why I was also saying, that's why I think that type of exposure for young people to see that's where they kind of get Like the values of marriage, like the important aspects of marriage, get mixed up, because this is what they're seeing. They're seeing all of the, the funds out, the fun stuff. They're seeing all the fun stuff.
Speaker 2:I just feel like another big problem is that people are out here taking relationship and marriage advice from people who are not in successful relationships or marriage.
Speaker 1:Okay, well, but I mean, what, what? What deems a successful relationship? Cause I kind of know where you're going with this too, because that's like a really big thing too, with the whole relationship, um, the whole relationship space, marriage space and the advice space, um, what, what would you categorize as a successful relationship? What constitutes a successful relationship?
Speaker 2:It's. It's two people who are emotionally intelligent enough to understand that we can have our feelings and we can still come to a resolution, and that I'm not going to act a certain way because I feel a certain way towards you. You're not going to act a certain way because you feel a certain way towards me. We're going to be adults in the situation. And also a successful relationship is a relationship that has been through the fire and they both walked out together intact. On the other side, A lot of people have been married in divorce multiple times but that's still experience.
Speaker 2:No it's experience, but it's not success. Okay, it's not success. I can, I can go out there right now and start a tech company and fell and fell on Tuesday. I still have experience with only a tech company. That'll be. I'm good at it. So that don't mean I'm good at it. So I, personally, I see any divorce as a failed relationship. Yes, you have experience.
Speaker 2:Yes, you may have learned what you like, what you don't like what you can tolerate and you may have a better insight of who you are and what you need in a partner going forward Right, but that situation is still. For me personally, it's still a failed relationship. It's still a failed marriage. Because you could not work out your problems inside the marriage, so you had to dissolve it, and once you dissolved it, it was a failure.
Speaker 1:But what if it's things out of your control?
Speaker 2:As of what I can't think of an example, but I'm just saying but I'm just saying here's my thing If something's out of your control, you can say like cheating, right. But even then I would say in some cases, when it comes to cheating, it's not completely out of your control, because I subscribe to the notion of you have a role in everything, okay, right. So what led to the cheating of you have a role in everything, okay, right. So what led to the cheating occurred? Did you, were you, were you not in touch? Were you not keeping? Were you not keeping in touch? Were you not having those intimate conversations? Were you not continuing?
Speaker 1:Are you talking about for both parties? For both parties?
Speaker 2:Okay, were you not continuing to date each other? Were you not considering to have those quality time with each other, or did you drift apart? Now, if you sat there and allowed yourself to drift apart and now someone else came appealing to your partner and they went and cheated, or you went and cheated, you still failed, because the drifting apart is what shouldn't have happened. Right, the cheating is just the outcome of the drifting apart.
Speaker 1:Okay. So would they still be considered successful if the cheating happened and they stayed together? Is that still considered successful? Because what it sounds like is that you're saying the longevity is what constitutes a successful relationship. It's not just longevity.
Speaker 2:It's the trials right. Trial by fire. That's what I'm saying so, if the cheating, if the cheating happened and they stayed together.
Speaker 2:And they worked it out, it's still. It's still a blemish on the record right, because there was like but you rectify like, you rectify the situation, like if you rebuilt trust and what caused to, what led to the cheating, has been addressed and now you're now filling that void in that person so that person's not looking outside. Then I would say, yes, that was a successful conflict resolution path you took there, but the cheating is still a blemish. But I would say the cheating is now. It was a stepping stone, a stepping stone right, and it's going to tarnish the person who cheated more than the person who got cheated on, but it's still. It's still a stepping stone in the marriage.
Speaker 1:Okay, but working through it, getting to the other side of it, that is a success.
Speaker 2:Yes, that is a success.
Speaker 1:Okay, so are you, but I'm not.
Speaker 2:I'm not saying about their cheating, nobody, I'm not saying, I'm not endorsing cheating.
Speaker 1:No, I didn't say you weren't. I'm not saying that I know you're not endorsing cheating.
Speaker 2:I'm not saying that, but what I'm saying is that they had a problem.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Regardless of the problem. It ain't got to be something as big as cheating it could be a financial problem right, the cards were put on the table, a discussion was had and then work was done. Okay, to mediate and be on common ground. Okay, that's a success.
Speaker 1:Okay, I guess I can. I can write with that for now, cause I feel like there's. I feel like there's more. I could go in to that, but I feel like that would also lead us off on the tangent. But anywho. So from the male perspective and the female perspective of marrying for aesthetics, marrying for materialism, obviously have different aspects to them. What are some of the aspects or perspectives of marrying for aesthetics or materialism for men?
Speaker 2:for men. I don't necessarily think it's materialistic, I think it's more aesthetic right, okay, yeah, I can agree with that I feel like all men want to have that one, a lady, on their arm. The other men look at Uh-huh Right, they want to know that they bagged a 10.
Speaker 1:Okay, you know what I'm saying. They want to know that they walking around with a die Right.
Speaker 2:They want to have someone. That is, when they walk in with that other person, like they're looked at, like she's drawing attention Okay, you know, I do think I think that's one thing that men want drawing attention. Okay, you know, I do think I think I think that's one thing that men want they, they want to, they want to have a, um, a partner that kind of like elevates them visually. You know what I'm saying. Now, some, some men also want a partner that elevates they, they meet them financially, which you know I'm, that's what you want. Yeah, that's cool too. Yeah, Right, but I do think that the visual aspect of it is really what drives the visual aspect, the sexual aspect.
Speaker 1:I can't say sexual aspect because I don't know. I'm I'm pretty sure if they're a one percenter. I don't know, I just that's, that's gonna be I mean if they're maybe they're one percent, that that would be like really high, because he understands that his pocket is really high on her list. So the way she looks and how she performs is going to be very high in his book.
Speaker 2:I would assume I'm not a man, so I don't know. I associate the hotter a woman is, the more likely she starfishes.
Speaker 1:Not if she wants to keep the bag. Not, if she wants to keep the bag, she can't be starfishing it. I think it's a mentality thing. Okay, you have the woman that think that they the prize. Okay, we're not going to get into that conversation because you already know how I feel about that. But okay, don't look at me like that, but all right. So okay, I'll say what I'm saying. We're going to have to. We're going to have to dive, dive into that.
Speaker 2:We're going to have to dive into that, into what um the whole, the whole prize conversation. But yeah, like, they, they, they, they want a partner. That kind of like elevates the societal standards of beauty, right, okay, no man wants to be with a woman and like, and when other guys hear like, oh, that's your girl, damn Right I didn't give her a shit, damn. No, nobody, nobody wants that.
Speaker 1:Okay, um, I think I. I think that also plays a part. From the female perspective Looks obviously plays a part.
Speaker 2:Can I?
Speaker 1:say this too what?
Speaker 2:I feel like sometimes people, like a lot of men, focus on um, like power to rising, like physical attraction. Okay, I think that's part of the like them looking for ecstatic.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Over the long-term compatibility right.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But I also say if you're going to just solely pick a mate off of physical attraction, see what her mama look like.
Speaker 1:To see how she going to look down the line. But what does she take more after her daddy? See what her dad look like and her grandmama check them all the whole point is I need to see the family tree.
Speaker 2:I need some family.
Speaker 1:I need some family photos I need to see mother, father, grandmother, aunties, auntie, yeah, aunties, because you don't know who she's, you don't know who she's after. Um, yeah, the physical attraction, obviously, I think that's that's high on both male and female. Um, women is the security and the stability, for obvious reasons. Um, I think, for especially the younger girls, like I said, the media, the culture. They want to be able to be on social media, be on tiktok, be on instagram, show off what boo look like, show off the the ring, what he got, yeah, what boo got me?
Speaker 1:um having the influence of making them appear like they've won in life. You know what I mean. Like life. Life is secured for me already. I didn't secure the boo, I didn't secure the ring, I didn't secure the bag, I didn't I'm finna secure this house, like you know, I have one at life. So the whole culture aspect of it, the whole social media, the influence of it, all um the materialistic value, obviously, because that's like the main one. They want the orientations of prioritizing the financial aspects over the emotional stability, just like you said, because I mean, what would be, what would be the point like if I'm not stable, if you and you know we equate, you know we equate stability with money because it's like, okay, but what?
Speaker 1:what's his mental health Like? What's his, what's his physical health? Like, cause, I don't think. Listen here, I'm not taking shots at you. I'm not taking shots at you. I'm saying when, when women refer to stability nine times out of ten, we ain't talking about nothing but money.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I don't think a lot of women care about their health, but they should.
Speaker 1:If he has to work for the money, and physically work for the money, you really should care about his his health as long as he got enough put up so that when he gone he she could still live she not looking that far, she not looking that far into it?
Speaker 1:was she, was she planning wrong? You look at you, played yourself. Look at you, you played yourself, worry about the wrongs, plagiarism. So yeah, but I think, I think, all in all, we social media in general, a lot of different platforms, really need to get back to the, the I, the, the original ideas of you know, marriage, not just the glam of everything.
Speaker 2:No, but see no one's posting their lowlights and I get that Very few are posting their lowlights. I don't know the dude's name, but the dude used to come on and say roll with me. He posted his lowlights and what he went through and I applauded him for that.
Speaker 1:Because it's not an easy thing to do.
Speaker 2:It's not easy, especially to admit you're wrong to a mass of people. And then the influx of comments and-.
Speaker 1:Ridicule judgment.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's not an easy thing to do, but I said through my whole time, following the young man or the gentleman, I said this is probably the most authentic he's ever been Right, right, transparent, right. Because not only is he taking accountability, he's showing the receipts, you know, and he's owning up to what. And in my mind I was like you didn't really have to do this because your partner wasn't on here airing you out. You literally chose to air yourself out, right, and I think that's like. I think that now, granted, what he did was he went against a lot of shit. He said.
Speaker 1:Right, but he owned up to it. But, he owned up to it, right, he owned up to it.
Speaker 2:And I think those types of videos and just so y'all.
Speaker 1:Those types of videos. I applaud.
Speaker 2:Because it's not easy, I champion.
Speaker 1:Right. Yeah, I'm sure it's not easy, but especially when you have a large following and then you have people, because what tends to happen is people start looking to your relationship like that's it, like you guys have figured it out. You Like, that's it, like you guys have figured it out, you have the perfect relationship, your marriage is like A1. You know what I'm saying, and so you have to be really careful about that too.
Speaker 2:Because you don't want to set this false facade that you found the cheat code or you have it all figured out when you don't have it all figured out. And that's why, when people say things like that about us, I said we're not perfect by any means. We argue all the time. By any means, we fight a lot, not all the time. No, we don't fight a lot.
Speaker 1:I mean Right, I feel like we dig at each other A lot. That's what helps keep us strong.
Speaker 2:What I always say is that we're just at the two kids that decided not to give up on one another.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And we just held that true to each other. That's far in life?
Speaker 1:Huh, I said, that's far in life.
Speaker 2:Oh, I guess she, unless she changes her mind. But this is what we have done and it's like we have. We've had to grow into the position we are now. Lord knows I have. I was not all this. I was not all this. I was not always this mature. I was not okay, I'm done diabolical, and this is what she's the digs that listen, she keep a shovel on listen.
Speaker 1:This is how we stay connected. If we didn't dig at each other, if he didn't take shots at me every day, how would I know he loves me?
Speaker 2:because I paid you. How would I know?
Speaker 1:I paid you like bill well, but that's also because you like to use lights as well no, I don't need the lights, I need the internet it doesn't matter, you benefit from it, you, you benefit from it.
Speaker 1:So that's why I always tell them, like, just pretend, like you know, if this was just your place by yourself, I'm just, I'm just, you know, here just taking advantage of what you're already gonna pay anyway. You would have to pay all of these things if you were on your own anyway no, me and my daughter wouldn't need this much space.
Speaker 2:We could live in a two, two bedroom. That's wild. No, you're right, we need a three bedroom because she didn't play room.
Speaker 1:That's wild well, I can't with you Anywho, but yes, yes, I agree with you. I think, going back to the video that you had mentioned, those videos are really important and I do wish that we saw more of those types of transparency videos, especially as it relates to relationships and marriages, so that the younger generation could see, but not in such a negative way that it deters them wanting to be in a serious relationship. You know what I'm saying, because then, of course, you know you'll get to the other end of extreme. Well, why would I want to be with somebody, or one person, or why would I want to be married?
Speaker 2:I saw something today. It was, it was was, it was Kurt Franklin, and I laughed because I was short of years there. But he was saying, like your whole life you've never been monogamous, but now you've chosen to get married and this is the one time you want to practice Monogamy, the first time, right? And he was saying, like how can you go into something when you had no experience, right? So he basically, you know, and I kind of agree Like if you couldn't hold down and be tied to one person for for a long period of time before you got married, right, you think you really ready for marriage?
Speaker 1:too. Yes, I get that part. But when you say how can you go into a marriage without having the experience of practicing monogamy there's a lot. You go into a marriage not having experience in. You know what I'm saying. But I think that part is major. That is kind of a bigger part, Especially when your norm is to be with multiple people Trying to cut that off cold turkey.
Speaker 2:So-and-so. Made you mad on Monday, so you and somebody else is bad on Tuesday.
Speaker 1:Oh, wow, there's people out there like that, I know, and that's wild. Holes in different areas, that's wild. I'm going to leave it right there. I'm not even going to say anything. Holes in different areas I'm going to leave it right there. What? No, I'm going to just leave it right there. What? I'm going to leave it right there. Okay, are you sure? Yeah, I'm sure. Guys, listen For all of the younger folk out there. Relationships can be a beautiful thing. Marriage can be a beautiful thing.
Speaker 2:Marriage is a beautiful thing.
Speaker 1:Yes, don't get so sidetracked with the appearance and aesthetics of things, scrolling down your timeline seeing the pretty dresses and the rings yes, all that stuff is fun. I'm not saying don't have a great wedding, don't get involved and have fun and do all the things. But don't let that become so much of a focus that you lose sight of what marriage can bring and what you're doing it for, like what marriage is for and what you're doing it for.
Speaker 2:You also got to understand that a house ain't going to stand too long if the foundation ain't strong.
Speaker 1:This is true.
Speaker 2:Preach Bishop Okay Julie.
Speaker 1:Shout out to Julie. You're my favorite person, right now Preach Bishop, just really quick. So my friend just started going to a predominantly African-American church. She loves it, I love her, and so she loves it, I love her and she loves it. I was telling her a story the other day.
Speaker 2:She was like preach Bishop.
Speaker 1:I was like what? I was like oh, you're in it, now You're in it. Shout out to Julie we love you. All right guys. So we're going to head right on into R, into our two cents. I feel like I should make that a sound, and then you can just play it like our two cents, our two cents okay, you ready, the damn thing, you ready.
Speaker 1:No, but that's am I the asshole for refusing to be a prisoner to motherhood after my divorce? Okay, I recently separated from my ex-husband after years of feeling like I was disappearing. I was a wife, I was a mom, but me I didn't know who that existed anymore. My entire life revolved around my marriage and our three kids 13, 5, and 2. I love my children more than anything and I have them majority of the time. When they're with me, I give them everything homework, bedtime stories, family outings, etc. And for the first time in years, I actually feel present instead of trapped in the dark hole of exhaustion and self-hate. But on the rare days or week that they're with their dad, I finally have a moment to breathe.
Speaker 1:I've been using that time to do the things that I never got to do when I was married, like hiking in the mountains, camping under the stars, going to concerts, making friends, playing my games and watching my movies, figuring out who I am outside of just being a mom or a wife. And now my ex is losing his mind over it. He says that I'm quote unquote abandoning our kids and being selfish. He's running around telling our mutual friends and family that I care more about having an adventure than being a mother Apparently because I go on overnight camping trips.
Speaker 1:I'm irresponsible. What does he expect me to do? Sit in an empty house, stare at the walls and wait for my kids to come back home? For context, during our marriage he had plenty of hobbies. He had late night gaming sessions, concerts, night out with friends and even planned a Vegas trip with his coworkers. He never once got questioned whether he was quote unquote abandoning his family. But now that I'm doing something for myself, suddenly I'm the villain. I feel like I'm being a good mom by taking care of my mental health and showing my kids that life does not end when things get hard. But his words are starting to get to me. So am I the asshole for finally choosing me for once?
Speaker 2:I have a lot of questions. I can't give up. What's the question? I need to know where you stay at home, mom. Okay, that's number one. Why? Because that's going to. Then I can understand how she feels around it. Because he's probably thinking I was taking care of everything. All you do is take care of the kids. I was providing everything. It could be that kind of situation. So I need to. Were you a stay-at-home mom, was he providing everything?
Speaker 1:Now, I'm not.
Speaker 2:Now of course you do, because you're a woman. Now I can understand it and I can relate to losing yourself in the family dynamic. I think we had an episode about this and I can relate to not knowing who you are outside of the roles you have been assigned or taking on inside the family dynamic. That I can understand and that is a hard thing to do because you do get into certain times where you feel like you are, for lack of better words, you're abandoning your responsibilities when you try to do something for yourself. I know what that feels like, because I feel that way sometimes. Right, I feel like so that I can understand you, not knowing who you are.
Speaker 2:Right, I personally don't see any issue of you doing what you want with your time. When he has his kids, I have no problem with that whatsoever. I don't see how you're not a divorce to motherhood. For that case You're just, again, you're on your time. He's on his father time. You're in your time to be you. I don't really see an issue here for, say, while he feels this way, maybe he just maybe he's controlling I don't know, I don't know maybe he just don't want to see her live her best life now that he's no longer in it.
Speaker 1:That could be that, which is why I thought that was like crazy that it does. It doesn't matter whether she was a stay-at-home mom or not.
Speaker 2:That's completely irrelevant, but I feel like there's context out of here. Okay, and this is one of those things where I would like to hear inside.
Speaker 1:Well, she did put some editing to answer some questions. She said my ex knows what I do because his sisters and his daughters are stalking my Instagram. My Instagram is private. I post on it for my Scottish family who likes seeing me go places, and I blocked my ex and his entire family. My ex was slash is abusive and I wasn't allowed to do anything. I couldn't go to the store without him. He tried to go to the gym with me to keep an eye on me. He kept my credit cards in his wallet for his use only If I needed anything, such as clothes, shampoo, undergarments he told me that I was wasting his money.
Speaker 1:That's enough.
Speaker 2:Okay, so, like you said, the control thing. So now I have a clearer picture.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:You are finally outside of a dynamic where he cannot control your life Exactly. And now he's in his feelings.
Speaker 1:Exactly so again. I say Because she's living her best life with him, not in it. So again.
Speaker 2:I say you're not an asshole.
Speaker 1:Right. So now, because she is.
Speaker 2:Of course I need the context.
Speaker 1:Doing all of the things that she wanted to do, that she wants to do that are fulfilling to her. Now he has to spin it that because she's enjoying herself, she's having a good time when she doesn't have the kids, you're being an irresponsible mother.
Speaker 2:I have a great time when I ain't got the kids.
Speaker 1:What you tell me. The other day you said you'd be milking it. I said do you baby. He texted me. He was like you'd really be milking it.
Speaker 2:Here's the thing about when you'd be milking it. I don't mind, I know you don't. The problem is her. I have to deal with where's mommy. I miss him. I said look here, phoenix, your mama's out there doing she doing?
Speaker 1:she on mommy time. I'm on mommy time. Let her live her life. I'm on mommy time.
Speaker 2:I was at the gym for three and a half hours the other day Three Stop it, so we might not be on this podcast much longer.
Speaker 1:We might not be around much longer.
Speaker 2:Might be a failure.
Speaker 1:No, I was at the gym for three and a half hours. I went and got me coffee, I went and bought new makeup. I just walked around the hobby store. You was out there. I mean, I was doing my thing, I was enjoying my time.
Speaker 2:I'm going to tell was enjoying my time. I'm gonna tell you something that I'm gonna tell you something. I'm gonna tell you something you probably don't know, oh gosh. So what I have to do now is, when she goes, where is my mom's at the gym? Are you, can you call her? So I have to show you her your location to show them at the gym?
Speaker 1:yes, but what happens if I've already left?
Speaker 2:I I try to close it quickly Because she be, because she be on some like where is my mother.
Speaker 1:And then when I do finally like call, or when you've had enough of her beating you down about where I am, he'll call or like put her on FaceTime and then she'll be in there. She'll be like Mom where? Like mom, where are you? And I'd be like Phoenix I've literally only been gone a few hours Like we are together every single day, girl, I love it, but I just need a minute.
Speaker 2:In her mind. I need a minute In her mind. You have a finite amount of time.
Speaker 1:Right, because when I came home from the gym today, the first thing she said I was like oh, I'm going to go upstairs and I'm going to shower. She. The first thing she said I was like oh, I'm going to go upstairs and I'm a shower. She sat right in front of the bathroom and she said I just want to be next to you. I said that's fine, maybe, but if you could just not watch? Me shower, that'd be great If you could not watch me shower that'd be great.
Speaker 1:But yeah. So I just think. I just think that he is upset Because he can't control her like he's used to controlling her. So now, just like an abuser, he has to spit it to make it seem like she's doing something wrong. You ain't doing nothing wrong. You're never doing anything wrong. If you need a minute to take care of yourself, okay, you haven't abandoned your children. Your children are with their father. They're with their other parent. It's not like you're dropping them off at a friend's house so you can go lay under the stars overnight.
Speaker 1:Or lay up with some man, or lay up with some man, right? So no Girl boy, please. No, You're fine. You're fine, Do you boo-boo? Enjoy your starry nights, your concerts and everything else. Okay, man.
Speaker 2:Man you your concerts and everything else.
Speaker 1:Okay, oh, man man, you say what? Man man, goodness, women, all right, anywho, this has been another episode of life after I do podcast. If you're not doing so already I know you know to run down go ahead and head over to Tik TOK, instagram, facebook, youtube and give us a follow. Only pants, ready. I know you know to run down, go ahead and head over to tiktok, instagram, facebook, youtube and give us a follow. Only pants. Like share, tell your friends, tell a friend to tell a friend who will probably tell a friend about the podcast. Okay, because I keep telling y'all, like, when I'm international, don't, don't be coming over here, acting like like you know me, like don't be coming over here, acting like you know we was cool and stuff like that, because I'm international and stuff. Now you know what I'm saying, so you might as well get on early. You know what I'm saying. Get on early and build with us is what I'm trying to say.
Speaker 2:She the same OG.
Speaker 1:Same OG, all right, but you get a new episode every Wednesday, so don't forget to tune in. And on Mondays, so don't forget to tune in. And until next time, peace booskies. Peace, booskies Peace booskies, Peace booskies.
