Life After I Do Podcast
Marriage and relationships can be tough. You may feel like you’re the only one struggling but you’re not. Life After I do is a weekly podcast where Morice and Kynesha, a black married millennial couple, share their experiences and advice on everything from kids and family to intimacy and connection. Noting is off limits.
In their 21 years together and 7 years of marriage, Morice and Kynesha have learned a lot about what it takes to make a relationship work. They know the importance of communication, trust and commitment. They also know it’s okay to not have it all figured out.
Join them every Wednesday as they talk about their own journey of “Life After I do”.
Life After I Do Podcast
Love & Respect
Navigating love and respect in relationships can be tricky, but it’s possible! In this episode, we explore emotional cycles, the power of validation, and intentional actions to strengthen bonds. Learn strategies for tough conversations, addressing intimacy issues, and fostering open communication. Let’s build relationships where love and respect thrive!
But a lot of times I feel like guys feel like I'm not going to just validate anything, because that's because, even if it's wrong, even if you believe she's wrong, her feelings are right. Because they're her feelings, yeah, right. And the thing is is like we always say, feelings versus facts. You can feel however you want Two plus two is still four, yeah. You can say it's six to you blue in the face, yeah, and OK, babe, you believe two plus two is six. I respect that. And OK, babe, you believe two plus two is six. I respect that. That's your feelings. I don't see it that way. And now this is one of those times where we're just at an impasse yeah.
Speaker 2:So we just want to talk about why two plus two isn't six. Hey, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of life after I do podcast.
Speaker 1:I am here with you today.
Speaker 2:We'll wait. I'm your host today, Nisha G. Hosted with the mostest, and I'm here with my sexy.
Speaker 1:We got to change your name to host with the shelf.
Speaker 2:Sexy husband with the triceps.
Speaker 1:Stop trying to sleep with me.
Speaker 2:My hubby tricep game is coming through, so we're going to refer to him as hubby tricep. So I'm joined here today with the one and the only hubby tricep.
Speaker 1:How you doing. My name is Molly.
Speaker 2:How you doing hubby tricep.
Speaker 1:Look here people, my wife be creeping on me in the gym.
Speaker 2:What's wrong with that? I don't see nothing wrong. Wife be creeping on me in the gym. What's wrong with that? I just know wrong with it.
Speaker 1:Just, you just didn't know. I've been getting footage. Yeah, apparently people, she has been secretly recording me working out for her own pleasure, so she and then she come home and I don't know what she do with the footage I had.
Speaker 2:I I can imagine what she's doing, because I know what I was doing pull-ups and I just had my phone like this, and I was like, yep, that'll do it, ain't got to worry about me, ain't got to worry about me, that'll do it.
Speaker 1:Hey Booskies. Hi I would ask you how your week was, but I kind of want to go first.
Speaker 2:Well, I can only imagine why you want to go first. How was your week? Go birds bird gang bird game. Bird game, bird game my, my philadelphia eagles.
Speaker 1:You know rain, sleet arsenal. The eagles train to go have won the 2024, the 2025 no, no, the game's played in 25, but it's the 2024 season. Okay the 2024 Super Bowl nice which is all I want. See, I'm bad, I'm two for two. They didn't just win. Oh, we, let's. We whooped their ass hold on.
Speaker 2:They did not just win. That was, that was an embarrassment, that was a blowout we whooped them.
Speaker 1:We whooped them pretty bad.
Speaker 2:That was like, and.
Speaker 1:I am now two for two in this sports season. My Dodgers delivered for me. Okay, my Eagles had delivered for me.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:And this message right here is to LeBron James I have been very hypercritical of you in your career, especially before you were with the Lakers. I kind of eased up off you once you join the Lakers, because that is my organization. If you could just let me get my triple crown, if you could just pull out a W this one this year.
Speaker 2:LeBron and just win the championship. For me, that's all you ask. I will never.
Speaker 1:I will never say another bad word about you ever in your basketball. First of all, let me say this I do say bad things about LeBron, but I say bad things about lebron and and basketball okay I'm. I am on record multiple times saying that I am a. I am a lebron off the court fan. I love, I love the images he portrays as a father and as a husband and as a black man. I love that lebron. I'm not a big fan of lebron the basketball player I.
Speaker 1:I mean, it goes without saying, I am a Kobe fan. Y'all can do with that what you want, but yeah, but my week is great.
Speaker 2:I know he's been riding a high.
Speaker 1:Especially because the thing is, I never really say nothing because for two reasons. One, my team has let me down a lot, so I know what it's like to be there and lose, or almost be there and lose, or thinking for sure, you bought the win and then still lose, and it don't happen. Right, so I don't really say nothing until that's why people were texting me and all I ever kept saying was the job's not done.
Speaker 2:The job's not done. Even when we were at the Super Bowl party and it was like 24, I think it was like 24-0 and everybody was like, oh, this is what it's going to look like for the rest of the game, and he's like it's not over. Like it's not over, because, yeah, it's 24 points, but we don't know what that second half is going to bring. And that's what, like, the Chief fans that were around there came first of all. We first got there. They walked in with such confidence.
Speaker 2:They had their, their uh, chief shirts on and they were like ready, like hair dyed red, everything. They were like like, yes, we're gonna do this. And then, as we start to see how the game was progressing, one of the one of the ladies at the house she took her sweater. She was like it makes me want to just cover up my shirt. Go back and go back into hiding chief's kingdom I was like don't worry, you are in a judgment-free zone.
Speaker 1:Like, don't even worry, I only know one legit cheese fan and when I say she is legit a cheese fan, she was Chiefs fan when they was dog shit.
Speaker 2:You talking about Mel?
Speaker 1:Yes, my friend Mel Big Mel.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:She has been from day one. She don't care. That's the only person. When we lost to the Chiefs two years ago, she was the only person I texted. I said congratulations because you, the only real Chiefs fan, I know All these wrestlers. Chiefs die hard. I'm not sending no congratulatory text to no bandwagoners, right, it's just a lot of people say that I'm the only Eagles fan they know that's been rocking with Eagles for. And again, I'm not that Eagles fan that I'm not going to talk crap about your team.
Speaker 2:Unless they're the Cowboys.
Speaker 1:I hate the Cowboys.
Speaker 2:I was like that's not true. You talk crap about the Cowboys all the time.
Speaker 1:I do little jabs. Okay, the Cowboys are the only team that I hate. Are you strongly disliked? No, I hate them. It's not a dislike. I hate the Cowboys. And I say at the beginning of every football season as long as we are two and 14, I'm happy, as long as we beat the Cowboys twice, we can lose to everybody else.
Speaker 2:Really, babe, we can be two and 14 as long as we didn't lose to the Cowboys.
Speaker 1:We can lose to everybody else. Just please don't lose to the Cowboys. That's the only game that I'm like.
Speaker 2:Please, don't, I will, for your sake. I pray they don't ever lose to the Cowboys.
Speaker 1:Oh, we lost a lot to the Cowboys.
Speaker 2:Oh, have you Not recently a lot, but in the past a lot? Okay.
Speaker 1:Most of the time it still wasn't enough for the Cowboys though Most of the time we split the games but, yeah, so I'm really excited that you got your eagles and then so not only that my baby yeah, that was my week my little, I'm gonna start calling her Simone Jr.
Speaker 2:I wouldn't take it that far.
Speaker 1:I wouldn't go that far. I'm gonna call her now. She don't say Simone, I'm gonna call her Simone cause she calls her Simone Biles.
Speaker 2:She be like mom. I'm gonna be just like Simone Biles.
Speaker 1:I was like okay, girl, baby, her'm going to be just like Simone.
Speaker 2:Biles. I was like okay girl, maybe her name is Simone. She was like I know Simone. You'd be like no Phoenix, it's Simone. Yeah, I know Simone.
Speaker 1:That is her favorite person in the world.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's who she looks up to.
Speaker 1:Shout out to Simone Biles yeah, she's probably like but yeah, my baby she showed out, then my eagle showed out. I mean I'm having a as a sports fan, I'm having a good year now.
Speaker 2:If lebron could just do this oh my gosh, I'm not gonna ask luca I'm not gonna really ask luca, but, lebron, I know you 40.
Speaker 1:If you could just a little more magic for one more year and just give me that triple ground, my perfect, if I could. Like I said, if the Blakers win this year, I might retire from being a sports fan, because I have achieved perfection. All of my teams have won. In the course of like nine months, all of my teams would have won.
Speaker 2:Well, I hope that goes, would have won. Oh Well, I hope that goes well for you. I really do. But yeah, so, like my week, like how you said at the end of your week, the highlight of my week was watching Baby Girl do her second competition. She attended the AGA Long Beach Invitational. The title was Diamonds Are Girls Best Friend. Yeah, it was. Uh, the title was Diamonds Are Girls Best Friend. I thought that was super cute. But she did the AGA Long Beach Invitational gymnastics and it's one of the biggest invitationals that she'll have to this year and it went so good.
Speaker 2:Like she, to see her light up compared to her first like compared to how the season started, right? If you guys remember, like we were, we had the whole meltdown because she didn't place how she thought she would place. She only walked away with one medal for an overall and this competition she walked away with four medals she placed in beam. It should have been honestly and you know we could just be those parents, but we are those parents.
Speaker 1:We're not wrong in this case.
Speaker 2:He didn't realize he was that parent until this competition, right, but she, she meddled in um vault, beam, floor and all around. So that was really really good and it's crazy because she leveled up as far as score wise in all categories except for Volt, this competition.
Speaker 1:And then she ends up no, she did better in Volt this year.
Speaker 2:No, that's the only one. She did it because that's the one that she placed in, so her scores have gone up compared to her last performance. She increased in all her scores except for Volt, and then she turns around and places in Volt, and then she moved up and places in.
Speaker 1:Volt yeah.
Speaker 2:And then she moved up all around like six spots.
Speaker 1:I think. But the thing about Volt was I felt like the judges were like hypercritical of everybody.
Speaker 2:Oh, of course, because it was a huge invitational, Like you saw how many girls there was.
Speaker 1:But at the same time, what I noticed later on in the event they got lax no it wasn't the same judges. There wasn't the same judges on every event. It was no, it wasn't.
Speaker 2:I watched because I watched, because I know I watched it till I was there because I know, karen, I don't know her name, but I call her goodbye and I'm pretty sure it was her that took points from my baby. My baby was vertical now he sounds like his daughter did was my first competition points for me, my baby was vertical.
Speaker 1:It was flawless.
Speaker 2:I saw the video and I roll it. And I roll it like her performances, her meets, I roll them back in slow motion just so that I could see her form, because I'm like, okay, we're going to break this down with coach too, because I need to see, like usually I can see, this is where you got deducted points. Like you know you, you weren't um 45 degree, angle or whatever, but some of the points.
Speaker 1:It just don't make sense and then don't get me started on the floor points because, I do think I do think she should have scored higher in floor.
Speaker 2:But the thing is too is I also went back and I looked at the middle part of her routine, when she does like her round off to the back handspring and those the baby's legs was completely bent. I mean you can't, I couldn't fight that one. I said, girl, it looked like you didn't know how to point a toe are you a you a parent?
Speaker 1:are you a judge?
Speaker 2:I'm both, because I like to keep it real with her, because when she comes to me and she asks me these questions, that's why I record it and we go over it together and I play it in slow motion so I can be like, see, okay go birds.
Speaker 1:You know what I'm saying Go birds.
Speaker 2:But yeah, the excitement that she experienced, the joy that she experienced, my heart was so full.
Speaker 1:No, my thing is not her coach being surprised.
Speaker 2:Shut up, not her coach, being surprised in surprise she go. I'm not sure. Shut up that her coach being surprised.
Speaker 1:I know that she don't always take things seriously, but I felt like that day she was serious about it.
Speaker 2:Well, I think it's now because she knows what to expect and she knows that when she goes into these types of situations now, and especially each time she goes into them, she's seeing it on a larger and larger scale and she knows that. Okay, I'm up. I'm up against people who like they do they do this.
Speaker 2:You know what I'm saying, because, like her on the other half, like she had a teammate who you know she's, I I still think she did great, but she didn't have, like you know, the the best of outcomes. And she was talking about, how you know, because she was a little nervous. Like there was a lot of girls, a lot of them older, you know, and I honestly wasn't expecting to see as many older girls at that level as well.
Speaker 2:It was a lot of older girls at that level and I was like, okay, did I miss something? Did they add a subcategory? Because I'm like she, she's about 14. My she, she's about 14, my kid is seven. Why are they? Why are they in the same box? But like I just need to know what's going on. But, um, yeah, but it was fun, it was, it was really good. I think I was just it. It was good for me because I know she.
Speaker 1:I felt proud, because she was proud of herself she was proud of herself the only thing I didn't like about that day is the fact that she knew that we were like happy for and we were pouring into her and she tried to take that shit, oh she milked it.
Speaker 2:She milked it. Can we get ice cream? Yes. Can we go to eat? Yes. And then when I do the line, she was like can we?
Speaker 1:go to the mall? I said no, absolutely not. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I said girl, you really trying it.
Speaker 1:I said ma'am.
Speaker 2:No, what you need to go to the mall for, and she don't want to do nothing but go to Claire's, that's it. That's the only store she want to go to is Claire's, so she can pick out more makeup and stuff, that's all she want to do no in Claire's.
Speaker 1:Even when we take her clothes shopping, she'll be like okay that's nice.
Speaker 2:Where's Claire's?
Speaker 1:Can we get to Claire's?
Speaker 2:But you know what I just thought about. I was like Claire's for her. Must feel like Sephora for me.
Speaker 1:It must be. I don't have that store anymore.
Speaker 2:What.
Speaker 1:I can't wait to get there.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It's not the hat store, no. It used to be the hat store.
Speaker 1:Then it was Best Buy, then it was Home Depot.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I do like Home Depot. I can lie, I can't with you, yeah. So I mean, but those, you know, that was a pretty good week. I can't complain Now. We, now we just gotta like keep, you know, get into it. Now she's going into her, her. I'm tired now I just need a break. I just need a break. I just need a long break. And I was like, okay, well, we're gonna get. No, I just need a long break from school right?
Speaker 1:no you.
Speaker 2:What you need is to go through and they're gonna have right, um, so yeah, so let's go ahead and hop into today's topic we got today booski ronies excuse me, so today we're going to be talking about love and respect. We're not going to be talking about my shelf. We're going to be talking about love and respect and about how, apparently, men view respect as love and women and women give respect when they feel loved. So it's kind of like.
Speaker 1:You better respect me at all times.
Speaker 2:It's kind of like a cycle.
Speaker 1:You better respect me at all times.
Speaker 2:When women don't feel love, it's hard to give the respect, and when men don't get the respect, they don't feel the love. So how do we meet in the middle?
Speaker 1:You better respect me at all times. I don't care if you feel loved or not.
Speaker 2:Oh, I'm pretty sure that's not how that works. But I'm pretty sure that's not.
Speaker 1:And the words of the great Birdman Put some respect on my name.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:All right, I don't know if Birdman is great.
Speaker 2:So anyway, yeah. So I mean I know, like from my perspective typically, more generally, like I feel love when I feel like I have my sense of security. There is like trust there. You know what I mean. Like that's how I perceive love. What brought this up for me was our little spat the other night.
Speaker 1:What spat.
Speaker 2:When I had asked for my lip gloss.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:So let me, just let me paint the background. You ain't got to tell them everything.
Speaker 1:Lip gloss, oh yeah. So let me, just let me paint the background.
Speaker 2:You ain't gotta tell them everything I do. Listen, real, real, real.
Speaker 1:They think our marriage is perfect.
Speaker 2:Real, no, they don't. Real relationship, real marriage discussions. Okay, so we were. We were laying in bed.
Speaker 1:Canoodling.
Speaker 2:And canoodling and he wanted to like cuddle and you know, be all playful and stuff. And so I have a nighttime like routine. Ok, like I have my skincare routine, I have like my hair routine I have, I have my things that I do. And I had gotten in the bed and I had forgotten after I did my skincare routine, I had forgot to do my lip treatment. And so I was like, oh, I just need my oil. The, uh, my vanity is on his side of the bed. And I was just like, hey, I need my, my oil for my lips, because you know, I like to go to bed shining like a shining like a nickel.
Speaker 2:And so he was doing something on the tv. He was like, I'll do it, just give me a second. And I was like, oh, I'll get it. And so I, you know, I proceeded to almost get out the bed. He was like, babe, I'm gonna get it for you. And I was like, okay, so he finishes finding his channel. And so I'm thinking, once he's done finding his channel, like he said, I'm gonna get it for you. He didn't turn the other way to get the lip oil right. So he comes back over to me and he's like trying to be playful and cuddle and stuff, and I was like can I?
Speaker 2:and I was like I was like, can I, can I, can you give me my, my lip oil and stuff first, because I didn't want to like fall asleep and not have anything on my lips before I went to bed, because I like to make sure everything's on, because in case I fall asleep and so he's like I'm going to get it in a minute, I'm going to get it in a minute. And I was like, can you get it now?
Speaker 1:And he was like'm not like, I'm not like, in a playful mood.
Speaker 2:I wasn't mad, I was just annoyed because you said that you would get it after you were done trying to find the channel you were looking for, and you did it. And now you want to come over and you want to do like what you want to do, which is, you know, be playful and cuddle, and I get it, I get it. But I, I was just saying if you would follow through what you said you were gonna do first, then I could be in a better mood to do that. But like, can I just get my lip oil? That's all I wanted. So he, he's like, forget it. He reaches over, he gets the lip oil, he gives it to me and then he gives me the cold shoulder, like night was wrong that he turns over. He's like I'm going to bed, gives me the remote, gives me my lip oil.
Speaker 2:He was like good night, I'm going to bed and turns his back on me and I was like are you shitting me right now? First of all, hold on first of all hold on I sleep with my back to you every night okay, but you already listen, I prefer to lay on that side I know that, but you but you already know because we've talked, we we've already had the discussion, which is why you know here we go but so of course that made me feel some type of way.
Speaker 2:So I was like I was quite angry. To be honest, I was quite angry and I was like, seriously, and he's like what, I'm going to bed. And I was like, okay, so like you're just gonna act, like like you're not gonna be all playful and stuff anymore, like now you have an attitude because I asked because I asked you to do like to do what you said you were gonna do.
Speaker 2:Like you. You're the one who was like okay, give me a minute, like let me finish doing this and then I'll get it for you. And then you didn't do what you said you were gonna do, and then now the whole energy changed. Sowho, that's how.
Speaker 1:I know you didn't listen to what I said.
Speaker 2:So, anywho, the next day, like you know, we come together, we're kind of talking it out and I explained to you that I didn't feel like I had told him I felt like abandoned, I was angry, I felt abandoned, I didn't feel loved and he was, like you know, like pretty much like what are you talking about, right? And so that's how this whole thing kind of came up. You know, like you feeling more respected when you're having like those intimate times, that love, and you know all your playfulness and stuff like that and then me giving that, when I feel loved, when I feel taken care of, when I feel secured and stuff like that, and when those two paths don't meet. It's like a vicious cycle because, had we not discussed it or talked about it the next day and just went about our business, it's like more of that would have continued or could have continued.
Speaker 1:I didn't feel disrespected and I told you. I told you what it was. I told you it was the look. The look on your face shut everything down for me. I said okay, well, I'm done Like you. Like you was cutting through me with laser eyes.
Speaker 2:I had laser eyes.
Speaker 1:That look of just sheer madness and anger on your face.
Speaker 2:It was not that deep.
Speaker 1:It was, and your eyes pierced through me. I said, oh, I'm done Like this is not the energy I want to uh, be next to.
Speaker 2:I'm done, I'm going to bed so so that's what, that's, what kind of like got me thinking and I was just like um it, it in these little instances, like I think that's where the intentionality comes from, because if we didn't have the discussion about what you perceived happened in that moment, what I perceived happened in that moment, then we didn't act like adults.
Speaker 2:Well, that's what I'm saying, Like had we not tried to like talk it out, see where it came from, and like making you aware, because I know for me there's been plenty of times where I wouldn't even make you aware of how something like that made me feel I just probably will lash out, continue to lash out, like you don't lash out, you do subtle little things like what you're trying to say.
Speaker 2:I'm petty patty, yes, I mean, I have. I have tendencies. You do subtle little things. I have tendencies, um, but so so like just breaking it down in categories for like as far as love with security and connection, right. So women perceive love as emotional security, trust and deep connection, and without love, respect, may feel forced or insecure or, yeah, or insincere. Sorry, and I and I, I think about that and I think about how that relates to me or how that could relate to our relationship, and that's like as far as recent events, that was one of the most recent events where I was kind of like you didn't get what you wanted, because this is how I was feeling. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:Why are you looking at me like that?
Speaker 2:I'm just looking what, keep going. Why are you looking at me like that? I'm just looking what. Why are you looking at me like that?
Speaker 1:I'm just looking. Oh gosh, apparently looks, don't matter, you just said no, I just say looks didn't matter.
Speaker 2:I just know, I just didn't know. That's how you would have described the look that I gave you. Because that's not what I was aiming for.
Speaker 1:That's what you delivered.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, emotional intimacy over status. Women value emotional vulnerability and open communication over external displays of success and status. I think that goes without saying. Respect is earned through action. I think that's a big one. Women feel respect grows from consistent love, consistent effort and a mutual understanding, rather than being an automatic given Okay, kind of like how you said earlier, where you're going to respect me regardless.
Speaker 1:You're going to respect me regardless. Are things going to switch up? You're going to respect me regardless? Are we like Kendrick said? We're going to squabble a lot? You're not. Not, kendrick cut it out. Um, I never said I would never. I can never be the goat right I'm teasing uh, fear of being controlled or money and writers, I could be drink oh my god, why I'm just saying why, let people know where I stand.
Speaker 2:Why Fear of being controlled or dismissed? If respect is emphasized, without love, women may feel controlled or unheard rather than valued. I know we've had many discussions about that you feel controlled.
Speaker 1:No, I was going to say I said I know you don't feel controlled.
Speaker 2:It says respect is emphasized. If respect is emphasized without love, right? Because you know we've had discussions, many discussions about when I tell you when I don't feel heard sometimes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so you're just not saying nothing.
Speaker 2:Really, really. Ok, damel, I'm not doing this with you today. I'm not doing this with you today. I'm not doing this with you today. Don't smile at me. Um, when love is present, respect flows naturally, does it?
Speaker 1:yeah, it does. I wasn't respected that night um women who feel cherished listened to.
Speaker 2:Let me highlight that part because I feel like a lot of men need to listen to that part I listen when women feel listened to. How are?
Speaker 1:you not listening to? I told you no, I'm, I'm just saying now that now I'm just speaking like on a general surface in general, because you know, I know that can be hard, not me directly that can be a hard task for the male species sometimes.
Speaker 2:Okay, um so women who feel cherished, listened to and emotionally secure often find it easier to show respect to their partner. Okay, now, do you believe that? I? I absolutely believe that.
Speaker 1:I absolutely believe that it should be true it should be true, I believe it who feel cherished. But then again, you know, men can help how you feel.
Speaker 2:I don't know if I entirely agree with that, but OK, sometimes you guys are emotionally unstable. Ok, we're not going to do that, we're not going to. We're not going to do that Sometimes.
Speaker 1:Ok but here's the thing Go ahead. Sometimes you know they turn into Homelander and they just want to rip your heart out. Okay, Because they have a little unease or displeasure in the moment, Uh-huh. And it's worth your soul.
Speaker 2:If you are the most stable of the species between man and woman and women.
Speaker 1:I never said we were.
Speaker 2:And women are more emotionally unstable.
Speaker 1:Okay, I didn't say we're stable, I said we're more logical. There's a lot of men, or not, who are unstable.
Speaker 2:Okay, so are you doing? Say Drake oh my gosh, you have to stop. You have to stop what he's unstable. How is he unstable? You don't even know that, man. I know enough. You don't even know that man Continue. I know enough, you don't even know that. Continue. I'm sorry, you don't even know that, man. Um, but yeah, so I just, I just feel like it is. It is a cycle and without intentionality, without communication and communicate, you're really getting on my nerves today the big words communication and intentionality.
Speaker 2:now I can't even say intentionality, now I can't even say it. Intentionality, it can be. It can be like a cycle that can lead down a really, really dark road.
Speaker 1:Okay, yeah.
Speaker 2:Do you agree or disagree?
Speaker 1:I agree because, essentially, you guys are not on the same page, and when you're not on the same page, a plethora of obstacles and challenges will arise.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because we're on the same mission, but we're on a different mission at the same time. Yeah, we're not seeing the playing field the same?
Speaker 2:So yes, I agree with that. Yeah, so what about from the male's perspective?
Speaker 1:We don't know what y'all be talking about, what I don't know From the male's perspective. You know, males often perceive respect as a primary expression of love.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:So like. Your respect is how you show us love Right, right. Why is that so important? Your respect is how you show us love Right, right.
Speaker 2:Why is that so important?
Speaker 1:Um, because respect is affirming.
Speaker 2:Okay, you know so it makes?
Speaker 1:it makes, uh, it makes us feel love when we're respected and pretty much like you're confirming um affirming our decision, our choices and our decisions and our role in the relationship, like we're doing what we're supposed to and we're operating at a level that is acceptable to the family unit.
Speaker 2:For the relationship Right yeah.
Speaker 1:Right, right, and a lot of men prefer actions over words. So, like, yeah, you can only tell me so much, right. Like, let's say, let's just be getting personal. Oh my gosh, you know uh so much, right. Like, let's say, since we getting personal, you know, uh, the love of my life, she told me I don't know what was that five days ago that she would have thumbnails for me. And it's five days and she's yet to produce any thumbnails. Um, so you know and this is not the first time this has happened- Right.
Speaker 1:You know, the last time, uh, your y'all, y'all girl, nisha g, was supposed to deliver something. She didn't and I went ahead, did to myself, and that's fair she didn't even thank me.
Speaker 2:That now, that's not true. You said that's not true. You said don't do that. You said good job, babe, for finishing that and I said thanks no you just say thanks for doing my job okay, I didn't finish it with thanks for doing my job, but I said thanks, yes, but also let me thanks for doing my job, babe also I.
Speaker 1:You know, when men feel disrespected, they feel like they're unloved yeah, and especially when the disrespect is, uh, um, unintentional, right, like, basically like, because for me, like when it's unintentional, that means like she's just, you're just going around, uh, subconsciously disrespecting because you're not intentionally, so it's yeah now.
Speaker 1:It's ingrained in the way you behave or interact with me and a lot of times I'd be like, look, I ain't trying to turn up on you, but you know. But you're not gonna, you're not gonna just sit here and be emotionally withdraw, withdraw from my feelings, because you know we're supposed to be in tune with each other.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, same team, same team, so you're not going to keep rejecting me. Not me. Do you know who? I am Not me. You know who?
Speaker 1:I am, I'm big dog over here, oh gosh.
Speaker 2:OK.
Speaker 1:You know what I'm saying? Yes, I do. You know, I'm number one. I get the big piece of chicken always, baby, you hear what I'm saying always, you know what I'm saying. And then also, like men, they view love, obviously, view respect as love, and um, they want that to be um in uh, it's an in public and private right, but I do believe that public for men is probably more is more um important because, um, we don't want it to feel like um. I do think that there is a certain level of um of uh appearance or expectation, um, when it comes to other people, right, like, like, if we're out in public and and you, you yelling at me, you going back and forth for me and people look at my, oh, now, if she, it's just like if she's willing to do that in front of us.
Speaker 2:I can only imagine what happens behind.
Speaker 1:It's just like when you went it's just like when you out out, when you see a kid misbehaving, like, if that kid feels good, if he comfortable doing this here now he probably cussing around at home know what I'm saying. So it's kind of like, it's kind of like, um, it's kind of like that, like that, um, that balance of things, right Like.
Speaker 2:So I do feel like the public being respected in public is, is a lot more, and I feel like being respected in public also leads to it being, you know, respected in private, because I respected in private, because I'm right, you know, I'm saying and I agree, I agree with you on that one too, because and I say that only because, uh, firsthand watching, watching people we know disrespect their partner publicly, it is for one it's, it's weird it is.
Speaker 2:It's so uncomfortable and it's so uncomfortable, like we have been in those situations where we have seen our friends and other associates that we have who are married and either the wife is being hella disrespectful and talking out of pocket or the husband is being hella disrespectful or talking out of pocket like about or to their significant other, and we just was like, oh, couldn't be me, like under no circumstances. So I, I do, I do. I mean, would you say that I disrespect you in public, because I I make it a valid effort not to try not to only when you're really upset okay you might say something a little out of pocket.
Speaker 1:Never nothing really major. Okay, you might get a little out of pocket and that's why I might just look at you because I'm like if I respond it's gonna be worse like it'll be like poking right and like. And then when people see you get out of pocket and I remain cool and I get the brownie points exactly so that's why yeah, so it's like then when we get in the car, I'll be like hold up.
Speaker 2:I mean, I didn't listen here. I, I do my best, I do my best, like, but as far as just blatantly downright being disrespectful, oh my gosh, I often really don't play with me. Don't play with me, don't play with me. I, um, I really what you, what, what? No, go ahead. Oh, I was, I was gonna say that I do respect you so 92 percent of the time marie, stop it, stop it. Shout out to the black woman see what I did there no, I didn't. Oh my god no I thought she was.
Speaker 1:I thought she was in tune with the culture. But I will say that a man that feels respected and feels love is more likely to reciprocate that to their partner and more likely to be more emotional, more affectionate and interact with them in a more loving way and try to be more like respectable and more like caring towards them.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Because I do feel like men are for the most part, most men are very reciprocal when it comes to things, and it makes it a lot easier for me to be soft, to be loving, to be caring, when I feel like I'm receiving that same energy Right.
Speaker 2:But when I'm not, and that's the part that.
Speaker 1:I look at you.
Speaker 2:That's the part that I really want to kind of touch on, because I think it becomes one of those things where if let's say, for instance, if a husband is feeling like he's not getting the respect that he deserves for all that he does, but then the wife is feeling like she's not loved and cared for and she's not secure who, who will be in no one, saying anything, right, so it just continuously perpetuates. He continues to feel disrespected, right, right, because now he's like she don't feel.
Speaker 1:She feel unheard and not seen.
Speaker 2:Exactly, and that's her form of not feeling loved and not feeling secure, right? So how do we get past that when that cycle is happening? Because it does happen.
Speaker 1:But see, I think in situations like that, a conversation has to be had and someone has to have the be brave enough to approach the subject, because I, like I, do feel a lot of times that it's not that whatever the problem is can't be solved, it's, it's it's. The problem is not being addressed.
Speaker 1:Right, right and we're looking at each other as the problem instead of looking at the problem because the problem because I will say this a lot of times, we've had, we've had these conversations a lot of times and like I'm feeling a type of way, you're feeling a type of way, and then when we talk about what's going on, we're like, well, damn okay we're actually upset about the same thing.
Speaker 1:We're mad about the same thing, we're just perceiving it, we're just perceiving it differently, and then that goes on. But I think that also comes along to say we've had, we've done a good job and we've done the work of having a lot of non-judgmental conversations with each other, no matter how hard it gets. Yeah, because sometimes you be saying stuff and I'll be like I gotta take it. I just gotta take it.
Speaker 2:I be seeing how you be like. Sometimes you be saying stuff and I think I'm having gentle gloves on Sometimes you be saying stuff and I can feel the heat in my body.
Speaker 1:And I have gentle gloves on and I be like, calm down. She trying to be cool. I'm trying, Even though she hitting every nerve she done. Hit every nerve on your spine, but we and now and now. Now she up to the neck and you like if she hit the next one we don't know.
Speaker 2:But but have we not had the conversation about why you feel that way when we have certain discussions? We've had the that conversation, but we're not talking about that now, I know. But I'm just saying like I think when you do it more often, like as far as trying to have the uncomfortable conversation, as far as trying to say like look, this is, you did this and it made me feel this way. I feel like you start getting used to it and then more and more of the ego starts to diminish.
Speaker 1:When I say used to it, you get used to it in a good way, because I know that when we're having those conversations, I'm not doing it to beat you down, even though what you're saying is upsetting me. Right, I know that you're not saying it out of malice.
Speaker 2:I know that you're saying it because that's generally how you feel.
Speaker 1:And so then I have to ask myself why am I mad at how she feels? Yep, right, that's it. And why is her feelings making my feelings feel this way? And then, a lot of times you be talking and I'll be mad, because you know who wants to be judged or feel like they being talked to or talk at. But then when I walk away and say anything about like god damn, shit, here we go. Now I gotta go in there, talk to her and tell her she was right, and that's the one thing I don't like doing is telling her she's right that's the one thing I don't like doing.
Speaker 1:I'd rather go buy her a car than tell her she's right that's a little much no, it's the damn truth. That's a bit much, but I go in there be like, well, swallow my pride. Yeah, babe, you're right, I'm sorry, I apologize, you know, and I and I appreciate that and I and I tell her, I'll tell you all the time.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry, I apologize and I appreciate that.
Speaker 1:And I tell her, I tell you all the time I'm going to try to work on it Now give me some time because Rome wasn't built in a day, it was destroyed in a day. But it wasn't built. It actually was.
Speaker 2:It actually was destroyed over time, but that's why I always say too it's like you have to do your own work of bringing yourself aware to it because, like when it happens, there's been times where you'll say like, oh, I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm really going to work on, I'm going to try to be aware of it and then you do it and I just look at you, yeah and I'll be like okay, remember what you said about sometimes.
Speaker 1:But but hold on, you do that sometimes too, I'm sure, but sometimes I catch myself tell something I don't. And even when I don't catch myself, and then after the fact, like I'll say something like fuck, I fucked up, man, but then I'll apologize in the moment. I'm sorry I didn't catch it this time, but I'm going to do better to try to catch it next time.
Speaker 2:But that's progress. It's progress, it's happening, it still happened but the response to it is quicker. So therefore, it's, that's progress, you know.
Speaker 1:But yeah, totally agree and a lot of times it's just, it's not that I'm not trying to be mindful, it's just that, like when you're having conversations or you're going through moments, especially when you're heated, and you feel the way you feel and you can't. You haven't got, you haven't reached the level of clarity yet where you can come outside of how you feel, yeah, it's like. No, I'm gonna say what I feel, right well, because you're still holding.
Speaker 2:You're still holding your emotions as priority, right and and I think, what's just a normal human thing to do, exactly. But I think that's where, like, one piece of advice I had received from a therapist once was, if you focused on my needs and I focused on your needs, then we should, we should get somewhere right, because if you already know what I'm, if I tell you what my needs are to help me to feel loved, secured, to help me, you know, be in the, the love state, and then I know all the things that help you to be in the protection, the giving, the providing, the love state. If we focused on that, then I don't have to focus so much on my emotional priority, because I'm already feeling that it's being met, because I'm wanting to focus on yours and I'm wanting to make sure that yours is taken care of. Like that becomes my priority, and it only becomes my priority because mine is being taken care of. Like that becomes my priority and it only becomes my priority because mine is being taken care of. Like my mind is not settled on.
Speaker 2:Well, you don't feel this and you don't feel that. Obviously, I'm feeling it and that's what's making me want to make your emotions a priority, and I think that's where the biggest piece of the biggest piece of all this is. Is that we have to like who's going to be the first one to say like okay, this is. Is that we have to like who's going to be the first one to say like okay, this is ridiculous. Let's sit down and have this conversation. You know what I mean. I'm not feeling like I'm getting what I need. You don't feel like you're getting what you need, but we can't keep going about well, because what ends up happening is she's what she's saying is I'm not gonna.
Speaker 2:I'm not gonna do this for him, because he doesn't even do this for me, and then you're on the other end saying you know what she don't?
Speaker 1:even respect me. Yeah, so I'm not gonna do anything like she expect me to do this.
Speaker 1:She don't even respect me and to that point I out, to that, first of all, I want to say shout out to the lip, because the lip look good. Um, to that point I will say that we I have been. I'm not gonna say going to say we because I don't know, I can't. I have been in that situation. I was like man, I feel like, well, she's not doing this for me, so I ain't doing this, so I'm not going to do this.
Speaker 2:She's not doing that, so I'm not going to do this.
Speaker 1:And then I realized that when I do that, that's counterproductive, because now what I've done is like he was supposed to. Well, I'm not going to do that, I'm not going to do that.
Speaker 2:So now we're both sitting around here mad at each other because we're playing tit for tat, trying to one up each other, when all we're doing is creating a bigger hole. And that's what it is. You create a bigger hole, you consistently get in the cycle, and then it's just like keeping score. Now, at this point, you're keeping score.
Speaker 1:I'm not cooking for his ass right, because he didn't do x, y and z I'm not buying her shit for valentine's day.
Speaker 2:She don't deserve it because, but I'm not, but, I'm not, but I'm not, I'm not, I'm not that's no, that's fine. I buy myself something and I say thanks, babe I know that's. That's how we do gifts nowadays. I'd be like babe, oh my gosh you shouldn't have.
Speaker 1:It's just what I wanted. It's just what I wanted, isn't she?
Speaker 2:cute, oh my gosh, so cute. But yeah, so that's what I'm saying. The big piece of it is how do you get out of the cycle Like where? Because it has to start somewhere and it's always, always, always like this is a relationship and marriage podcast guys, it's always going to start with communication.
Speaker 1:And somebody has to be the bigger person. But, granted, I understand that being the bigger person is not enough, because if let's say, for instance, you're being a bigger person and you're coming to me to talk about it so we can resolve this, you're being the bigger person and you're coming to me to talk about it so we can resolve this If I'm not being receptive to the conversation, it's not going to no matter.
Speaker 1:It doesn't matter how big a person you're going to be. If I'm not receptive, nothing's going to get solved. So it's like you have to get to a point or find that that area in your, in your marriage or in your relationship to where you guys can have a area or a space to where there's no judgment, right. Because if you have a history or you have a culture where you feel like, oh, they're just trying to have something to hold over me, I don't think that's really a good thing to have, because now you're always kind of like questioning motives in the back of your head.
Speaker 1:Or like hold things against them you know like I'm not saying like playful things, but I'm saying like serious things against them, right? You know like I'm not saying like playful things, but I'm saying like serious things, right? So it's like you. You still have to have an environment and a culture inside your marriage or your relationship to where you can have these conversations and and come and get to a resolution. And then also you have to understand that sometimes you have to understand that not having a resolution is fine, because sometimes you're not you're just not going to have one.
Speaker 2:You're not.
Speaker 1:You're just not going to agree on everything and then at that point you have to understand on both sides that it is what it is Now. Is this going to be something that we get hung up on we get hung.
Speaker 2:Are we going?
Speaker 1:to let this define this? Are we going to just accept it is what it is and move on Right, move on Right and, but now?
Speaker 1:but if you accept that it is what, it is from that point on, we now can't go back and reference how the other person made you feel in this, because we already said that on this we're in an impasse, yeah, so this, this can't be a talking point, um, in any conversation going forward, because there was no resolution, right. So if there's no resolution, technically we never agreed on what was right, what was wrong. You have your view, I have my view, so we can't, this can't be used in any conversation going forward, and I think that's. I think that's something that people have a hard time processing, because I feel like a people a lot of times just want to be on the right side of the discussion, right, they want to. Well, they feel that they're right. Again, they want to feel validated in their feelings. Right, and you can be validated. That'll mean I have to agree, because a lot of times I validate what you, how you feel.
Speaker 1:all the time I don't necessarily agree, yeah, but I can. I validate you because, ok, try to make sure that I can either convey myself better or possibly see what you see.
Speaker 2:The perspective that you have on the situation. Yeah, but that's also taking accountability, right, because I think when you're having these conversations, like you said before, about how you would get feel like you're being attacked, when I'm trying to explain to you how I'm feeling, but you're feeling attacked, yeah, it's so easy to for you to rebuttal and be like, oh well, I behave this way because you did this right. Or you know the, the famous one when someone's telling you how they feel like, oh, you pissed me off, you upset me, or you made me feel unloved, or you made me feel you know, and it's no, no, I did it. How did, how did I do that? No, no, I didn't. No, that's just in your head.
Speaker 1:And that's the thing. So one thing I've learned and I want to say this to all the guys out there One thing I learned is that validation does not mean you agree or that they won or that they won. Validation just means that you accept how they feel or what they think in the moment and you have empathy for it. It's not you demeaning yourself, it's not you taking the foot off your stance, it's not you all of a sudden saying, oh she's right, so I guess I'll just Forget about my feelings.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's none of that. Validation is just saying, oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of that. Validation is just saying, oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of that, I wasn't aware. That's how you felt. I wasn't aware that how you see it, I apologize. I apologize if you felt like I contributed to this feeling that wasn't my intention that was not my intention. I say that to you all the time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that was not my intention. That was not my intention.
Speaker 1:Right, and what I do at this point I don't try to explain in certain some cases. In some cases I just don't say anything. I was like, okay, right, depending on what it is. But most of the times I try to, I say, well, this is what I meant. Now, cause what I hear is when I say something and she feels some way about it that I that wasn't intended for me, what I hear is that I did not convey what I needed to say properly.
Speaker 2:You, didn't say it in a way that I could receive it.
Speaker 1:She didn't receive it the way I wanted her to receive it, so to me, I view it as a lesson.
Speaker 2:That approach didn't work. Right, that didn't work.
Speaker 1:So now I got to take a different angle. It's not always about her being combative with me or me being combative with her. It's combative with her. It's like, okay, how she's basically telling me that in this instance of communication, this is how I was perceived, right? So now let me, let me take this, let me dissect this, excuse me, let me take this, let me dissect this, dissect this and figure out how I can convey myself to her in a way where I am perceived in the light I want to be perceived and with the meaning I mean, so that there is no doubt about what I mean and what I'm saying but a lot of times I feel like guys feel like I'm not going to just validate anything, because that's because, even if it's wrong, even if you believe she's wrong, her feelings are right.
Speaker 1:Because they're her feelings, yeah, right. And the thing is is like we always say, feelings versus facts. You can feel however you want Two plus two is still four. Yeah. You can say it's six till you're blue in the face. Yeah and okay, babe, you believe two plus two is six. I respect that. That's your feelings. I don't see it that way. And now this is one of those times where we're just at an impasse. So we just want to talk about why two plus two isn't six. You know what I'm saying. But I think that is the approach that I think us, as men, have to have. You can validate without taking your foot off your stance.
Speaker 2:Without diminishing how you feel.
Speaker 1:It's not you succumbing to her view or her reality, it's just you acknowledging that her reality, that she is in, is there. And so from that point, maybe you need to try to communicate differently. And it's no different from when you're a teacher, right? You cannot teach the same kid the same way, yeah, right. So as a man, you have to understand Each kid the same way. You can't, right, so as a man, you have to understand.
Speaker 1:Ok, maybe my communication methods that I have is not compatible with my partner. Yeah, so let me try to figure out how I can convey what I mean without ruffling her feathers, or to a point to where she can at least comprehend and feel some of what I'm feeling or what I'm trying to convey. And that is where it is like you have to be mature enough as a man to understand that you are not perfect. And just because you, just because you have, because who doesn't feel right in their stance, right, just because you feel right in the moment doesn't mean it and again, I'm not gonna say it doesn't mean that you're not right, it just it just means that you're not conveying it in the right manner.
Speaker 2:Or it doesn't mean that you get to dismiss everything else that's happening or anything that she said, because you feel like you're right, because her feelings about it still matter, because two plus two is four.
Speaker 1:Right, but she thinks it's six and it's all right. Some people went to public school, some people went to private school. Let her feel the way she feels.
Speaker 2:I'm not doing this with him today.
Speaker 1:I with him today. I'm just not gonna do it. Some people weren't part of stem. Let her feel the way she feels. Some people weren't in the magnet program, but they wasn't, so some people don't know what to stand for, so so so you let them feel the way they feel and you validate their feelings.
Speaker 1:That does not again, it does not mean you that you agree. It does not mean that they uh that that you uh have to disagree with it. It just means that you agree. It does not mean that they uh that that that you um have to disagree with it. It just means that you recognize and acknowledge her feelings. It doesn't mean she can be wrong. You're not. We're not saying she's right. We're just saying that I recognize how you feel and there's nothing wrong with that, because just recognizing how someone feels Sometimes that's all it is.
Speaker 2:That's a that's enough.
Speaker 1:That's enough to actually have a conversation.
Speaker 2:Go a little further, yeah, and now you can explain yourself in detail you know what a good example of that is and it's not even in relationship. When you're at um like say, for instance, you go to like a restaurant or a coffee shop and there's like a really long line and there's only two people working right, and then, and then you know the, the employees, they will shut down because they start feeling the energy of all the people who are getting annoyed and upset, hurry up, you know.
Speaker 2:But the minute one of them calls the line and says thank you everyone for your patience. We're working as fast as we can. We got everyone going like we're going to give you a free sample, just for, like you know, for waiting and we are so sorry about the way, just saying like we are so sorry about the way, but we do appreciate you guys. We are moving as fast as we can. Instantly, instantly. Customers are like okay, because they were acknowledged.
Speaker 1:They were acknowledged. You're going to have that one person. Well, you're going to make me late.
Speaker 2:We'll go somewhere else, right, but that's, that's the thing. And I, like someone who had a retail background, worked every single time without fail, because people want to be seen, people want to be heard. That's pretty much it, and especially women in relationships. Again, if I'm not seen, if I'm not heard, if I don't feel secure, love don't live here, no more. Love don't live here, no more, she don't. She moved down the street. So it's, it takes a fool to learn, okay, love, love, love. And she, just, she moved, she moved Right. So that's why, when we talk about, like the cycle, part of the cycle, you got to break the cycle. You got to break the cycle Because it becomes, it will become the cycle, that's it, that's it.
Speaker 2:Resolving the issue is understanding each other's core needs, right, breaking the negative cycle. So that's through the communication. That means taking accountability, not getting defensive. Um, being able to show up for your partner, show up for yourself, show up for your marriage, uh, having communication strategies.
Speaker 1:Now I like, now I like that part, I like the. The express, uh, expressing needs without accusing. Yeah, Because when you, when you add the accused in there, right that's a whole different energy. Everyone shuts down, though. That's the energy.
Speaker 2:That's the thing.
Speaker 1:Because I know for me, when you accuse me of something you know, you only get two responses. I'm either going to shut down and say, okay, I'm not talking about it there, you feel the way, you feel right, or I'm coming with all the smoke. I don't put up the trailer smoker behind me.
Speaker 2:Bye, I got. I got 2000 oxtails. That's how he feels. If he feels like someone's calling him a liar.
Speaker 1:Oh, I got the smoke Cause. I, I, I look here, I keep receipts. I can't, I keep receipts, I keep receipts and I will Google you to death.
Speaker 2:So communication strategies. Going back to what you talked about with maybe the communication, the way that you communicate with your partner, the way you communicate with your woman, doesn't work for her, how she perceives it or her communication type. So I think it's important talking about your communication types. I know I believe we did an episode about like communication types too.
Speaker 1:I think that's something that's really really really important Because, again, like we always say, it's not what you said, it's how you said it. It's how you say it, so let me ask you this what sounds better to you? You never loved me anyway. Or would you perceive me saying I just don't feel loved?
Speaker 2:I just don't feel loved, because if you come to me and say you never loved me, anyway, instantly.
Speaker 1:I feel insulted Because I'm attacking you, yes, and it feels like an attack Because I'm telling you what you're not doing yeah, and that's why I feel insulted. But when I remove you from the equation and say you know what, I'm just not feeling loved, right?
Speaker 2:now. Now for me, my ears hear is like I'm empathy.
Speaker 1:I need you to love me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I hear empathy and I'm just like okay, so what? What is it about my actions that I'm not conveying? That's making my partner feel as if you keep covering that shelf. I have to wear pants in the gym, maurice, because if I showed up without pants, they would ask me to leave.
Speaker 1:I guess you're right, but at home, just, I have a child. Just keep that mobile on then, okay, because the way it sit there.
Speaker 2:So communication strategies Drape off. Okay, after that is small intentional actions. Small intentional actions go a long way.
Speaker 1:It's the little things that's going to keep you together.
Speaker 2:That's it Appreciation Again listening, affirming words, in your case, physical affection.
Speaker 1:You are smart.
Speaker 2:You is kind Shut up, shut up, reese, I'm going to stay in line. And then commitment to mutual growth. You know what I think it?
Speaker 1:is. Here's the thing. Hold on, hold on, hold on now. We both had a thought. Hold on now. Now, when you say mutual growth, that one to me is kind of tricky that's that's.
Speaker 2:That brings me to what I was going to say, though okay, go ahead and say it I think that's where couples goal planning comes in, because that's what an impasse is. Yes, I think that's what it is because, believe it or not, I do believe couples need to set goals you podding today, huh. You guys have to set goals. Not the kind of goals where y'all trying to decide where to go to vacation. Not those type of goals, no, but realistic, like reality, everyday goals Like how can?
Speaker 1:we get these kids out of here exactly at 18?.
Speaker 2:Bye Maurice. But but like you know how, how can I be a better listener, like that's?
Speaker 1:a goal.
Speaker 2:That's something that you're going to actively work towards. How can me and my partner actively spend more time together, More like you know, intimate?
Speaker 1:time that's non-sexual. I got a list of things. Oh gosh.
Speaker 2:That's not a list of things.
Speaker 1:Jesus, I do. I think here's a couple of things that you should try to goal. No, it's just me.
Speaker 2:It's just me Some of the things he had on our journal, that's all.
Speaker 1:I agree, like what you said non-sexual intimate intimate time.
Speaker 1:I think that's important where, where you guys are just together, you're in an intimate situation, intimate setting, doing things that's non-sexual, where you're just. You're just enjoying each other's company, company of one another. Right, and I think another thing is is like what? Sometimes I wake up and just say what can I do today to make her life easy? It's not and it doesn't. It doesn't matter how I feel about whatever the task is, I can suffer through it one day. Yeah, just so that way, because I feel like when I do that, you can verify it. I feel like when I do that, not only do I, not only by making your life easy, you're now you're looking at me as like, ok, he does see what I do, and then now that opens up another level of appreciation from you as to what I'm doing right and it inspires me to want to reciprocate that right.
Speaker 1:So, um, so that's another thing. Like ask yourself, what can I do to me? And then here's my other thing is like I also say what can I do today to surprise her in a good way. It is not necessarily doing something for you that you would normally do for yourself, but like what can I do that when I show up, it's completely will catch her off guard now, whether that be like um, like the times I bring you flowers or the time I'll go and, um, I'll get you something that's your favorite thing, or whatever, like how can I, how can I, um, how can I spark something in her like oh dang, my baby was really thinking. Like just just the thought of having her thinking, my baby was thinking about me today.
Speaker 2:He thought about me today.
Speaker 1:You know, it wasn't just business as usual. He thought about me. And then the other thing is what I try to do is I say how can I make myself better so that I am more appealing? Right, because I think that's another area of marriage and relationship people don't think about. Yeah, appealing. Right, because I think that's another area of marriage and relationship people don't think about. Yeah, you attracted them. Yeah, you guys got together. Yeah, but again, like with the mutual growth, how can I grow to make myself more desirable as a husband, as a father, as a father, but as as as a husband, as a boyfriend, right, yeah, how can I, as a partner, how can I make myself more desirable? How can I step up and do the things where she looks at me like, damn, that's my baby.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Ok, I see me taking video of you in the gym.
Speaker 1:OK, pervert, pervert, but I'm just saying it's like like, yeah, the planning, the goal planning, but you have to be on the same page, right?
Speaker 2:But you won't know that until you go plan to yeah Right, right, you got a goal plan.
Speaker 1:And you cannot be dismissive of each other.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:That, that, that, that is not communicating.
Speaker 2:Nope, don't just let it go. Don't sweep it under the rug, cause that rug will get dirty.
Speaker 1:And you and you have to. You have to like, um, you have to practice having the hard conversations. Right Now, I'm going to say this and I'm going to stop talking. One of the shows I used to watch all the time and love which she hates is how I Met your Mother. Right, I love that show for a minimum reason, right? But the one thing I loved about that show was Marshall and Lily, who was the couple on there.
Speaker 1:They had a rule where, no matter how heated the argument got, they could pause. They would just pause the argument and then we're going to discuss it, we're going to talk about it, and when it gets heated, we're going to pause. And now we're going to walk away, we're going to act like we're not even arguing, we're going to act like nothing's happening. And now, once we both calm down, we're going to unpause and talk to her. And I think that's crucial in marriage, because you have to practice and and and uh. Practice having the uncomfortable conversations. And when you get to a level, to where you see red and now you're just strictly defensive and you, you don't, you don't care what they're saying, yeah, All right, pause timeout.
Speaker 1:Yeah, cause now you're losing sight of what we're going through anyway, because I'm getting to the point, to where now I'm just protecting me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I don't care what you say.
Speaker 1:Yeah because now the boxing gloves are on, so now to time out.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Let's take a break, yeah, and we've done that. We don't say pause, but we've done that. We just say, okay, look, let's.
Speaker 2:Before I say something that you can. Feelings are hurt sometimes.
Speaker 1:Brutal Like her eyes. Let's just put this on the shelf and come back to this later, because right now, feelings are too high, emotions are going crazy and we're not hearing each other. We're just talking. We're just talking. So that's something you really have to try to master and that's really what's going to help you um be in these long, long goodbye long repeated but this is.
Speaker 2:This goes back to hold on repeat.
Speaker 1:It reruns constantly same channel tv one on all day.
Speaker 2:Okay, goodbye, goodbye, but I'll just finish with this. All of this, all the discussion, the cycles, the arguing, all of that and trying to work through them, trying to get a resolve, trying to grow together, all that is part of. When people say marriage is hard work, it's hard, that's what the work is. So when, like when, people talk about, you know, marriage, marriage is work, it's not necessarily in a negative light or in a negative sense. They mean like trying to coexist with someone that you deeply care for, that you deeply love, and still trying to have an identity in that relationship and ensure that not only are your mental and physical things are taken care of, but their mental and physical things are taken care of, and the work that it takes for you both to get through that and work through that and be mindful of that is the work of relationship, that is the work of marriage.
Speaker 2:Okay, okay, alrighty, that was good, good, good little discussion, babe. Um, so we're now, we're gonna move into our two. This is a little bit of a long one, babe, is it? But I would really love to get your perspective, even though I already know what your answer is gonna be. I know what your answer is going to be. I know what your answer is going to be because I know this guy but I want to hear.
Speaker 2:Okay, ready, am I the asshole for getting it elsewhere, since my wife didn't want to have sex anymore. Basically, my wife has decided unilaterally that we are done having sex. She found out that she cannot have kids due to a choice that she made before we met.
Speaker 2:And kids apparently are the only reason that she was willing to even have sex. I love my wife and I enjoy being intimate with her, but it was making our marriage and untenable after two years of this. So I posted for advice. I got a lot of great support and suggestions about how to talk to my wife and I tried all of it. I started going for counseling for myself as well, but no matter how I approached her about our situation, she would not try and see it from my point of view. Every discussion would end with her crying and screaming in my face that I am trying to emotionally manipulate her.
Speaker 2:I then wrote her a letter outlining my feelings and asking her to come with me to counseling and to seek it for herself independently, perhaps to even go see a doctor. I was kind and loving in the letter. The last thing I wanted to do was to set her off. I worked on my wording with the counselor to make sure that I wasn't saying anything aggressive that could be misrepresented. She read the letter. She then scrolled across it with a red Sharpie that said go get it elsewhere because you are not getting it from me. End quote. Then she walked out. I sat there for about an hour doing nothing. Then I told myself that that was what I was going to go do.
Speaker 1:Get it elsewhere.
Speaker 2:We're both fairly successful in our jobs. I'm not super attractive but I am fit and a good talker. It took a while but I met someone. Wow. We started out as friends but it became physical. I made sure she knew that I was married but she was not interested in the relationship. So I guess it's a safe option for the both of us.
Speaker 2:My wife found out because I didn't try and hide it. She was crying when I got home one night. When I came in, she asked if I was going to leave her. I said no. She asked if I was cheating on her and I said that I was just getting sex elsewhere. She said that was cheating and I didn't agree. I asked her what she wanted to do. She said that I had to stop. I asked her if we were going to start having sex. She said that I was an irrational asshole if I thought that she would have sex with me after I cheated.
Speaker 2:I went to my desk and pulled out a photocopy of the letter that I had wrote her and her answer on it. I went to have a shower and go to my room to go to sleep. When I woke up she was sitting on the couch waiting to talk. She said that she reread the letter and that she realized she had not realized something that she had not before. She assumed it was just a letter that was me begging for sex. She said that she would go for counseling alone and with me, and all I had to do was stop having sex elsewhere.
Speaker 2:I said that I would be willing to pause my friendship until we saw a counselor and that if I saw progress in our relationship then I would break it off. She said she wouldn't agree to the counseling without me leaving the other woman. It almost turned into a fight so I just went for my run. Before I left, I asked her what would compel her to go to counseling if I stopped having sex elsewhere. When I got back, she still didn't have an answer for me. She couldn't even say that our relationship was worth saving. I don't want a divorce, but I am willing to leave her over this. I am a 28-year-old male. I am not going to go the rest of my life without sex and she refuses to see my side. Any advice?
Speaker 1:Tooth, that ass up, mommy, get it low. Oh sir, for me this is a deal breaker. Let me tell you right now.
Speaker 2:That's what I already know, your answer.
Speaker 1:If you came with me tomorrow and I would ask you the same question. So am I free to get it elsewhere, or do you?
Speaker 2:want to discuss arrangements right like how do you want, how do you want to do this, how would you like to do the next lifetime and I would also say that since you don't want, I'm willing to give it to you.
Speaker 1:You just might give it to me. That that'll mean you can go get it elsewhere. Oh wait a minute because I'm willing. You're forcing me to go elsewhere, so you, you stay here, so you stay right here with your no sex habit.
Speaker 2:You stay here and be celibate and I'm gonna go here, out here, give me a concubine. That'll just be, that'll just be an aspect of our relationship that we just don't come together on. And if you're willing to, if you're, you're already willing to relinquish it, knowing that when you agreed to marry me, that that would be a part of the marriage You're not keeping your mouth.
Speaker 2:That would be a part of the marriage, and now you have taken that off of the table and I don't want to dismantle my marriage. Then we need to find a situation that works for the both of us. And right now I mean it's kind of working because my needs are being met and I'm still here with you, like you know we still going to be together, like I'm still taking care of my thing here's, here's, here's, here's here's. I mean, it ain't going to last that long.
Speaker 1:Here's what I feel, I felt like she was perfectly fine, because I felt like when she I don't think that she misread the letter at all. I think this is something she said after the fact because I don't think she really thought he would go out there and get somebody else. I don't think she read it. I think because she wrote across it in sharpie after he gave it to her. I think she did so. Um, but now that there's another person in the picture, she don't like that. She don't like that at all.
Speaker 2:She didn't mean it. When she said go get it elsewhere, she didn't mean it was like a figure of speech.
Speaker 1:She didn't mean it, but he took it literally, that's the thing, men we take things literally don't, don't don't sit here and say something you don't mean, because if you say, hey, if you find somebody that's wanting to give you some ass, well it wouldn't be, it wouldn't.
Speaker 2:It wouldn't be where. He wouldn't believe her because he's she. He believes the fact that she's already told him that since we can't have kids, I'm not having, and that is something she has held true. So when she wrote, go Get it Elsewhere, it's not hard for him to believe you meant that too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so he wouldn't got it. But now that he wouldn't got it, that was an issue, because now she felt like she got competition. But I guarantee no, I think it's one of those things where she just feels like he's mine. But here's the thing she has to understand she has to know that if they were to divorce, she would have to be single because there's no other relationship she's going to get into with a straight heterosexual man.
Speaker 2:That's not true. I disagree with that. I disagree with that. She's going to find a straight man. I don't want to. Babe, you'd be surprised. I mean probably more women, but you, I mean probably more women. But you'd be surprised how uninterested some men and women are, this interested they are in sex.
Speaker 1:Well, let me tell you something.
Speaker 2:I know you ain't one of them.
Speaker 1:Let me tell you something.
Speaker 2:Really, you're going to turn to the side and he can't see your face. Let me tell you something you go ahead and try that shit if you want to.
Speaker 1:Right, right. It ain't going to go the way you think it is.
Speaker 2:Well see.
Speaker 1:Because if you write on a piece of paper, go get it somewhere else. I'm going to say you sure.
Speaker 2:I'm only going to say are you sure?
Speaker 1:once, one time, and I'm going to have that on video Because if you try, so when you go to court. She said it was cool because she didn't want to put out. So she said I can go get it somewhere else.
Speaker 2:And that's what I did.
Speaker 1:And that's exactly what I did.
Speaker 2:And I see Stacey three times a week Would be Stacey.
Speaker 1:I don't like the name.
Speaker 2:I'm sure she could change it for you, nah, but yeah, you know. The other thing that I think about, though, is why. Why about, though? Is why why why? Because I think that's. I think there's a bigger and more serious issue there. Here you go explaining shit it's not women's planning but I think she should have went to council the first time, I think there's a bigger, uh, bigger issue there as to her view about um physical intimacy, and that needs to be explored, uh-oh.
Speaker 1:You know, and I so you're saying, something may have happened in her past, possibly to turn her off from.
Speaker 2:And the only reason why she, like he said, the only reason why she was interested in doing it anyway, was for kids.
Speaker 1:So basically she was just on, and here's the thing saying that that also means that once she got her babies damn, she was also gonna say she done, I'm done. But see now that you said that, that I couldn't go out because the empathy in me, but like I feel for her well, yeah, because there's a trauma there that would.
Speaker 2:That would change my mindset there's a trauma there yeah, that would change my mindset situation there's a trauma there and that's someone that you genuinely love. Now, don't get me wrong. I have to give me a robot. Don't get. Don't get me wrong. Like you know, that's. That's a. That's a moment that should be shared between the two of you.
Speaker 2:But, like you and most men, I'm not going to want, I'm not going to enjoy it with my wife if I know that this is something that she like it's not that. She's not even interested. She absolutely does not want to do this, and I know she doesn't want to do it. If you're not into it, I'm better off with my hair, exactly. So that's why I said that there's something bigger at play here.
Speaker 2:We don't know what the history was, and then he said that they can't have kids due to something that she did when she was younger. That has obviously affected her now in her adult life. We don't know what that is and we don't know the whatever that was that happened. There was a trauma that happened prior to that, or there was a trauma that caused that, and so now there's a whole psychological thing around it and it could be that she's like you know, like I'm not even worth it anymore, like you know what I mean there could be something serious, because I think that that has to be something serious. If you have a fully capable, healthy adult who has zero interests especially they're 28, he's 28. So I'm going to assume she's about the same age that has zero interest in having a sexual relationship with their partner and they're in a marriage, then we have to explore that, we have to talk about that and then also, was that not discussed prior to marriage?
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Because then that's a whole nother level of you know what I mean, and I can understand that from his perspective too, because it's like you never mentioned any of this before, that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:You lied to me and now you're not even honoring me Well we don't know that. Well, you didn't disclose. Yeah, so I mean, I think there's a lot which is the same as lying.
Speaker 2:There's a lot behind that, but I do appreciate how I appreciate you saying like okay now I would need to reevaluate that, because I didn't think about.
Speaker 1:I do have empathy, yeah, and I'm on that. You know, like, like in our instance, like if something was to happen to you and like medically.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Not not mentally.
Speaker 2:Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow.
Speaker 1:I would be understanding, right, um and I and I wouldn't for now, granted, granted, I'm gonna go do something. I'm not with somebody else, but I'm gonna take care of yourself or whatever give me some toys or something make it happen.
Speaker 2:You know what I'm saying, but I'm gonna get it one way or another. You've made that clear. You've made that clear.
Speaker 1:Don't say it don't say it, I don't want to get flagged.
Speaker 2:I don't want to get flagged, but yeah, so I would. I would just say take, take everything into consideration, sir um, but you're not wrong for how you feel either but take everything into consideration, because it does sound like you love her. Like you said, you don't want a divorce, and if this is just one aspect of your marriage that you guys aren't coming together on, you know, okay, so be it, but I I don't marriage that you guys aren't coming together on.
Speaker 2:You know, okay, so be it, but I I don't believe that you can continue to have a sexual relationship with somebody and it not turn into something more, whether she's looking for a relationship or not, and you're just using it for a good time.
Speaker 1:He wasn't that attractive, so maybe she just won't.
Speaker 2:But like he said, he let her know it from that he is married. He let her know the situation and she told him and she told him that she's not looking for a relationship. But that doesn't. That's not sustainable in long term. Somebody's going to get feelings and chances are it's going to be the woman.
Speaker 1:Can I?
Speaker 2:say one thing before we got out of here what Evil is good and ass is good? Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:And get yourself your piece of evil ass woo.
Speaker 2:Vampire in Brooklyn, in case you guys didn't know the reference to the movie. Anyway, this has been another episode of the Life After I Do podcast. If you're not doing so already, don't forget to follow us on all of our social media platforms Facebook, YouTube, Instagram. You know all of them. I was going to say Instacart. Are we on Instacart? Are we on? No tiktok?
Speaker 2:uh, don't forget to like and share the videos when you guys see the videos and the clips and the reels. We love engaging with you guys. Um, y'all be on fire over there on tiktok and them comments, them comments. Keep me rolling. Y'all keep me busy over there. So I enjoy that. You can also write into the podcast at lifeafteridopodcasts at gmailcom and you get a new episode every Wednesday and until then, go get your piece of your ass.
Speaker 1:Peace booskies.
