Life After I Do Podcast
Marriage and relationships can be tough. You may feel like you’re the only one struggling but you’re not. Life After I do is a weekly podcast where Morice and Kynesha, a black married millennial couple, share their experiences and advice on everything from kids and family to intimacy and connection. Noting is off limits.
In their 21 years together and 7 years of marriage, Morice and Kynesha have learned a lot about what it takes to make a relationship work. They know the importance of communication, trust and commitment. They also know it’s okay to not have it all figured out.
Join them every Wednesday as they talk about their own journey of “Life After I do”.
Life After I Do Podcast
Our 2 Cents Vol. 13
This volume of Our 2 Cents, we dive deep into the complexities of modern relationships, exploring how mental health, personal growth, and communication shape our connections. From setting boundaries to fostering honesty, we unpack the challenges of love with relatable anecdotes and real-life dilemmas. Join us as we reflect on listener-submitted scenarios, discuss the importance of empathy, and share personal updates from our week. Whether you're navigating a new relationship or strengthening an existing one, this episode offers thoughtful insights to help you grow while maintaining your identity. Tune in for an honest, heartfelt conversation about love, life, and everything in between.
Ramone. Like I said, ramone has some hits. What you're?
Speaker 2:not gonna do is be disrespectful to the first love of my life. That's what we're not.
Speaker 1:I was waiting for that reaction. Let's mother f***ing go.
Speaker 2:I was waiting for that reaction. Hey, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of life after I do. I am your host that you'll be kicking it with for the next 45 minutes to an hour, and I go by the name of Nisha G Nisha mother Also known as Hi Nisha, nisha and I'm here today with Kai to the Nisha the. That's not Hi.
Speaker 1:Nisha.
Speaker 2:What's your name, babe? Who are you? I'm?
Speaker 1:your motherfucking husband, mm-hmm. Or as my daughter says, mom, that's your husband.
Speaker 2:She does she be like mom. That's your husband, molito Molito.
Speaker 1:Otherwise known as Mo Dad.
Speaker 2:Babe.
Speaker 1:Babe.
Speaker 2:The male. Mm-hmm, really, maurice wise, no, as mo dad, babe, babe, the male. Really, maurice, you have all the akas. Yes, I do. Hey, bosky, hi, how you feeling? Um, I feel you look beautiful.
Speaker 1:Thank you let me just say you look beautiful thank you you know, purple is my favorite color do and you're trying to do something to me today. Oh Now, look here. You got my loins burning.
Speaker 2:Oh.
Speaker 1:In a good way. Not your loins, in the words of Phoenix, not your loins In a good way I'm not talking about in an STD way In a good way.
Speaker 2:Like I got fire in. I got this passion down there for you right now, because I, you and that color is making me well. You're creeping me out with your old man talk. So that's not, it's doing the opposite for me. I'm happy that you're turned on, because I am not.
Speaker 1:I said I'm gonna give me a wig and start doing my uncle. You know, uncle perm from tiktok but oh god, I'm gonna be doing my pair, at least because he be taking me. I can't. I cannot you want your water to be obeyed.
Speaker 2:You know what you gotta do no, no, I'm gonna just have to go without water. I'm gonna go to my neighbors and ask if I can bum a 24 pack of water off of her, because if I gotta do all that, like and here's the thing, this is what's funny, these are the thoughts that I have sometimes. I used to think, like, okay, you know, like sex workers, right.
Speaker 2:Like if you're a true sex worker, right, you like each man is like a client you know, and I would sometimes, when I was like out in public, if I saw a man that was just like not attractive or like had really nasty, dirty fingernails, dirty jeans, and I would think like, oh, he would be a client, oh, I couldn't like how was your week?
Speaker 1:how was your week? Could you wow? I used to think about stuff like how was, how was your week? Let's talk about your week.
Speaker 2:Let's let's go my week was good um except I have a bum elbow and it's like it's making me feel I'm not weak. I'm sorry what I have.
Speaker 1:My my elbow probably hurts because I was trying to show you up so I don't know why you're trying to show me up I'm teasing babe.
Speaker 2:No, I don't know. I think I um, I don't know, I think I tweaked it a little bit. Like you know, when I had my wrist, I made an adjustment when I already had the weight in my hand, and that was a terrible decision Because you were trying to be like me.
Speaker 1:I wasn't trying to be like you. You see me do that sometimes.
Speaker 2:Actually, that's not what it was. What it was is that it wasn't sitting on the out part of my hand when I had picked up pound weight and that wasn't the smartest idea. But now I do feel like, once my elbow feels better because I got new wrist wraps, it's game over.
Speaker 2:It's game over. But then I also just realized that, to be a part of the 600 pound club, straps and stuff are not allowed. So I can't wear straps for that, which is fine, but I'm talking about for my regular weightlifting sessions. Like I feel like it's going to work.
Speaker 1:I really thought you were going to come in here and be like, have good energy and high energy about your crafting you've been doing, because you back oh, I am.
Speaker 2:I'm back in my crafting bag.
Speaker 1:You knee deep, you all the way in it. I, finally, I wouldn't say you knee deep, but you, you up to your neck in it now.
Speaker 2:Bye. I have had a sewing machine for about a year now and it's been sitting at my craft table.
Speaker 1:Hold on, she's had a new sewing machine.
Speaker 2:A new sewing machine?
Speaker 1:Yes, I have one in the garage.
Speaker 2:She's had a sewing machine in the garage for decades. Well, that's neither here nor there, and I feel like a little bit of judgment and I don't need the judgment is what I'm trying to say. But anywho, um, I was like, oh, I really want to open my. You know, it was open, it was just sitting there, but I was like I really want to knock the dust off of it and you know, use it and I really wanted to teach phoenix how to use it, because she has asked before about learning how to sew and I do embroider.
Speaker 2:So, in case you guys don't know, I do custom apparel, um, so I do embroidery yourself on my platform. No, guys don't know, I do custom apparel, um, so I do embroidery.
Speaker 1:Why are you trying to plug yourself on my platform?
Speaker 2:No, I'm goodbye, uh, but I do all of that stuff. So, any who? I wanted to get back into my sewing and I was really important because I wanted to teach Phoenix how to sew. So, um, we've been practicing making these makeup bags and you know it's been going really well, it's. You know, I enjoy crafting. Yeah, it's good, it's good, it's going good, it's going good. And so then I know one of my friends. She was like, oh, she was like you really like crafting, you like creating stuff and stuff like that. And I was like, yeah, I was like, funny enough, I actually have a degree in it too. She's like what? I was like, yeah, I actually do, that's what you went to school for.
Speaker 2:That's actually what I went to school for, so I was like I actually have a whole still paying on it.
Speaker 1:So not the still paying on. It Took me out.
Speaker 2:So if you need anything made, just let me know. Still paying on it.
Speaker 1:Still paying on it, I'm going to just keep it short because you took a lot of time.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:My week was great. I feel like I'm making great progress. I am Like I said, 2025 is a year I am, maurice is working on Maurice and I love it. I see a lot of my faults. I'm trying to be better. My main priority is being a better father.
Speaker 2:And having a better perspective.
Speaker 1:Right, this child is pushing me to my limit daily, but I will say she looks. She looks so adorable today in her old lady outfit. Oh my gosh, she was so cute, she was so you know what I watched.
Speaker 2:So I was. I was checking to see if the door sorry, I was checking to see if the door was locked and so I started watching the video from this morning when she ran back in to get her sweater and she's like running and she's got this wig on and she's at the front door. And I was going to post her and be like who is this woman?
Speaker 1:at my door. Matter of fact, I'm going to go download it from the website. But yeah, so I mean I've had a great week. My only downside which I'm trying to remain positive to, that the scale is not moving it is moving. But I'm going to just sum it up to I got more muscle. Now you do. I will say that today in the gym I was like, damn, I look kind of strong. I got some good footage of you.
Speaker 1:I said OK. I said I was kind of feeling it was a little vain. I was kind of feeling myself.
Speaker 2:I took some video of him and I was like okay, so I'm feeling myself, and you know I'm excited.
Speaker 1:I'm very looking forward to a lot of things coming up, but I'm just trying to work on myself and I'm happy with the progress. So that's it. My week has been great.
Speaker 2:I'm proud of you.
Speaker 1:My week. It's been great. My wife is as beautiful as ever. Let me tell y'all my wife. She even worked on her glutes and hammies, oh my gosh. And that shelf is shelving.
Speaker 2:Okay, Thanks honey Go ahead put a whole dinner up there. Groceries, I will say working out together.
Speaker 1:Makes you push harder.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:I'm going to push.
Speaker 2:I'm going to push hard anyway, I'm going to show up, anyway. My elbow is quite literally inflamed, but do you think that stopped me from doing pull-ups today? Because it did it. It did it, though. Did you think it stopped me from doing rows Because it did it? Now? Can I barely move it now? Yes, I can barely. Does it hurt?
Speaker 1:to extend my arm. It absolutely does. I did it, but I shouldn't, I shouldn't have done it. But you know that mean, oh, you lift weights. What did you? What did you do when you got hurt? Kept lifting.
Speaker 2:I kept fucking legend yeah, at the end it a fucking legend. You got hurt. What did you do? I kept lifting. That's exactly it. You saw me struggle on that left arm row and on your bicep girl but I, but I still did it, I did, I still did it. So what we got today, booskies so it is a hour, two scenes episode. You know, every beginning part of the month.
Speaker 1:It's about to get messy.
Speaker 2:I don't know if it's going to get messy.
Speaker 1:I'm going to be messy. I'm going to make everything messy.
Speaker 2:I mean, we have this segment because my husband likes drama guys.
Speaker 1:Look it no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He really should. I like other people's drama.
Speaker 2:Yes, like drama okay, but he likes.
Speaker 1:He likes other people's drama, so I don't even know what to say about that aspect of his personality what else am I going to be able to use all these black sayings I have built up in me, vibrant? What else I'm gonna say? Couldn't be me. You better than me.
Speaker 2:Player what was that video somebody did on tiktok and it was like uh, black insults when you don't even know that they're insults. I didn't give it all. Couldn't be me, you better than me, but you, to each his own right, that's my favorite.
Speaker 1:To each his own my favorite black insult is bless your heart if it uh was good for you if you like it.
Speaker 2:I love if you like it, I love it if it's good for you it's good for you. I love, I love for you. I love that for you. I love that for you. That's my other favorite one. I love that for you.
Speaker 1:One of my favorites is bless your heart.
Speaker 2:Yeah, bless your heart.
Speaker 1:That is so disrespectful.
Speaker 2:I remember when we had feet I was like if somebody look at my baby and be like bless her heart, I'll be like cute, she is cute. We fighting on sight. Okay, because she is cute.
Speaker 1:Hairline missing and all that's your baby. She's cute.
Speaker 2:Bless her heart. No, you can't say bless your heart to my baby. We fighting, we're going to fight. I swear I will fight. Tell my baby bless your heart. Is that your?
Speaker 1:baby.
Speaker 2:Bless her heart. Bless her heart. Shout out to Bruce, bruce. Bless her heart.
Speaker 1:I will say that babies do they look like potatoes for the first three weeks first of all, my child did not look like a potato. I said, most babies look like potatoes because they ain't got no real features.
Speaker 2:They just there because they fresh out the oven you gotta let, like everything mold and like you know how you gotta let. You gotta let the air hit them.
Speaker 1:You know how you I don't let the air hit it. Same thing with the baby.
Speaker 2:You gotta let it cool down for a little bit so really you shouldn't be letting people see the baby for at least like a month maybe Rihanna owns something.
Speaker 1:Goodbye oh, hold on real quick. Unrelated shout out to Rihanna she looks great not personally Fenty, because these Fenty outfits I'm gonna buy my wife. So there's ass in the ass.
Speaker 2:Yes, sir yeah, because I told him this morning about the there's like this cherry, red, blossom two piece workout set and then there's a body suit and I was like I'm just putting you on notice. That's about to be in cart. Let me just say this that's going to cart right now.
Speaker 1:We need to get started. But I'm going to say this I am one of them. I'm one of these. My wife will attest to this. I am one of the black men that when I say I like black women, I mean I like black women, and when I see a black woman in any bright color, I'll be like look at that sunshine over there.
Speaker 2:He'll be like babe babe look at that did you see? Did you see that two piece? She had them because that was cute. I like that what's that?
Speaker 1:who am I? I like that you know the bright colors against a black woman's skin, and I don't care what shade of black you are.
Speaker 2:I mean we can wear any color.
Speaker 1:But when you got, that bright when y'all, when black women get in a spring bag, oh my gosh, which I can't wait. That's where my spring is my favorite season, because not only do I get sundresses, I get bright, colorful clothes I'll be like. Look at this here the toes. Look at god look at god.
Speaker 2:Look at god. He did this just for me. Look at god. He made, he made me a man.
Speaker 1:For this reason, right here, don't let me see you out in public as a black woman in a yellow sundress no, no, not a yellow sundress. A yellow sundress rocking a pineapple or a fro Shit Y'all. Excuse my husband, please Shit this man. Look at that goddess over there, I can't with you.
Speaker 2:I can't.
Speaker 1:I'll go ahead and read the first one.
Speaker 2:And then I'll be waiting for my nine-inch short scene.
Speaker 1:I'm. I can't Go ahead and read the first one and then I'd be waiting for my nine inch short seam.
Speaker 2:I'm not doing that, go ahead. He refuses to wear shorts for me.
Speaker 1:No, I wear shorts. She want me to wear booty shorts. Nine inch seams are not booty shorts, no you want me to wear seven inch seam shorts Because you?
Speaker 2:have the thighs to do it. I don't you have the thighs to do it. I don't you have the legs to do it. Okay, what's the first one?
Speaker 1:okay, don't, don't run don't run over me. Don't run over me, don't do that I was just talking about how I really appreciate I'm on black wings.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, let's see, let's go ahead and hop into. Okay, this one. It's not a lot of drama, it's actually like asking real advice. It's a real, real thing.
Speaker 1:Okay, let's go.
Speaker 2:Am I the asshole for divorcing my depressed wife because her depression and depression induced spending are dragging me down? Depression induced spending yes, okay. At what point do I leave my wife because of her depression and her depression induced spending? That's dragging me down. When my wife and I met, I was an MBA program and she was finishing up her certification process to become a nurse anesthesiologist. I was drawn to the drive and optimistic view of the world. We were both young adults who saw the world as an endless source of opportunity. We discussed having kids when we were more established in our career. After graduation, we both went to work. I got a job consulting, making 200K a year with a signing bonus, and have continued to grow in my career. My wife was cruising it, crushing it at her dream hospital, making 150K before overtime. We were happy, traveling and enjoying ourselves. We eventually bought our dream home and we're truly living our dreams.
Speaker 2:Until about three years ago, my wife had a mental breakdown at home between shifts at the hospital. She was eventually hospitalized for a few weeks After she came home, we agreed that she would take six months off to recover and that I would take care of us Immediately. She started spending an average of two to 3,000 every week, traveling with her friends and weekend trips. She stopped helping around the house and was constantly out of the house. I completely supported this for six months. She said it was part of her healing process and I understood entirely through sickness and in health. Then the agreed six months passed and I asked if she was ready to return to work, at least part-time. This caused her to shut down so I backed off. Then a year passed passed and I revisited again. Another breakdown ensued. I asked if she was ready to consider starting a family and just being a homemaker instead of going back to work. We were in a great financial position and didn't need her money. She agreed and for the last year we have been trying to have a baby. We've even done fertility testing and been giving a. You are both healthy, so keep trying. Last week from the doctor Last week, I was driving her car and I dropped my phone, so I pulled over to grab it from underneath the driver's seat and to my surprise, I found birth control pills.
Speaker 2:I was shocked and turned around on my way from work to confront her. She broke down and called me an abuser for trying to force kids onto her. She's never told me that she didn't want kids and I would absolutely never push her. She then started blaming me for the breakdown. She said it's my fault. She can't work.
Speaker 2:I then brought up how I have handled 95% of the cooking and cleaning for the past three years because I was just trying to support her and allow her to heal while she traveled and racked up a $10,000 credit card bill every single month for me to pay off. She has shut down and refuses to talk to me. I've been sleeping at our vacation house because she says it's detrimental to her mental health to share a space with me. As her abuser, I can't shake the feeling that I have been lied to and taken advantage of now for years. I want a divorce but at the same time, if she is genuinely sick, I don't want to abandon her. Am I the asshole for even considering leaving my sick wife? I can't shake the feeling that I'm selfish for even considering this.
Speaker 1:Not at all, and let me tell you why. Let me tell you why I feel this way. Please, if she sees you as her abuser, I would make myself scared, so that she don't feel like she's being abused he did.
Speaker 2:He's sleeping at the vacation.
Speaker 1:No, no no, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna make myself completely scared. So I mean if, if, if you can't be in my presence, because that triggers you, my presence comes with my money. So now my money is gone too and you are able-bodied, you're able to work, because my thing is, if you're.
Speaker 1:I don't see this as I mean hold on, I might be a little judgy here I don't see this as the type of depression that I label as depression, because you're not. I see depression as as as, like you, isolating, you don't want to, and you don't want to do certain things. Because you can't do certain things. If you're able to rack up 10 K a month and travel and go on girls trips and all that, I don't see you being that, that that much depressed when you can't work, and then to sit here and agree to have children with me because you just want to stay, so you can stay home and then take birth control. So the whole time we're not getting pregnant because of you.
Speaker 1:It sounds like you just want me to take care of you and that's not what we signed up for. So I would go ahead and say, well, obviously this is not working for us, because it's not working for me because, as the man I have, I have my. I have to put my happiness and, to some degree, as a priority. I've given you the last three years to get to, to work on yourself and prepare yourself, and you've done nothing but postpone things, going back to the way they were before. So no, I don't, I don't feel sad or I wouldn't feel, I wouldn't feel any happy way about the divorce, because I've tried, I've tried, I've done my part. That's all I'm saying.
Speaker 2:Thoughts Okay, first off.
Speaker 1:Okay, here we go. Anytime my wife say first off, she got this shit depression presents itself in different ways to different people.
Speaker 2:Okay, people can very much be depressive, spending that is a thing, just like people can overeat but still put on a happy face and go to work. Same same rules can apply. So I don't agree with you there. Um, I think depression looks different for everybody because everybody wears a different face. Everybody presents depression completely different. Um, so I, I, I don't, I don't agree you there.
Speaker 2:I do think that he is kind of maybe stuck in a between a rock and a hard place because, like he said he, on one hand he kind of feels like, okay, he could have it, feels like he's being taken for, but on the other hand it's like, but if she is genuinely sick, how can I abandon her? Because, like he said in the in the um, one of the sentences or the paragraphs when I was reading, for sickness and in health, right. So if this is one of those situations where it's sickness and in health and because it's not showing up, where it doesn't benefit you at this period in the relationship, then him saying like that's why I feel a little guilty, it's only been three years, and I don't say only three years, like that's not an extended amount of time. That is an extended amount of time, but that's the thing about relationships and that's the thing about it's not just relationships, but marriages, more more. You know, specifically is you. You can, and we'll have periods of time where things don't work in your favor or you feel like you're giving more than you're getting and because you're going through that period, it's like, ok, so should I just throw in the towel because I don't know when this is going to end. So you have to make a decision.
Speaker 2:Like, I understand what you're saying about him having to prioritize his happiness and his, his, his life as well, because he's in the relationship. Also, I, I get that and I do agree with that. But, like again, I said, you know, for me, this is for me, it's only been three years, okay, but I do feel like he's between a rock and a hard place. The other thing is, I do think it is really selfish of her to lead him on in a way where we are trying to start a family and you are leading me on saying like, okay, yeah, I'm in this with you, we're gonna start a family, and you are leading me on saying like, okay, yeah, I'm in this with you, we're going to start a family, but then you're behind my back taking birth control pills. And then he also mentioned that they were doing fertility treatments. That that's expensive.
Speaker 1:No, they got tested, they got, they did, they wouldn't, they wouldn't got, they wouldn't have their fertility.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, dishonest what I get from reading this, with him explaining it. I do think that if she just would have came to him and simply said, hey, I don't want to go back to work, I don't think me going back to work is beneficial to my mental health right now, but I also am not 100% ready to start a family. If we can come to some type of agreement, for maybe I can just be here for like another year, another two years, and then we can revisit, or maybe we can actually to some type of agreement, for maybe I can just be here for like another year, another two years, and then we can revisit, or maybe we can actually start working on the family, that's different because, like he said, we don't need her income.
Speaker 1:He's already said they got a vacation home.
Speaker 2:They have a vacation home, but, like he said, we don't need her income.
Speaker 2:And the only reason why it sounded like he prompted to start the family anyway is because he's saying, well, if you're not going to work and you're going to be at home anyway, then this would be a perfect time for us to, like, start a family, you know, and if that's not something she wanted to do, then she could have been vocal about that too.
Speaker 2:If he's been taking care of everything for the past three years and she's not cooking, she's not cleaning, she's not going to work and all she's doing is racking up credit card bills and, you know, live in the good life if that's helping her mentally, then that's a conversation that needed to be had, because maybe he wouldn't have said okay, I don't support the $3,000 every week, but if you can cut it down to 1500 or something, and maybe we do a girl's trip every six months, or whatever the case may be, whatever the case may be, we don't know all of the dynamics, but I say all that to say that I do feel like it was. It was a little bit unfair to him, um, but again, we also don't know, and we can't speak to, what depression looks like for like for her.
Speaker 1:okay, you know what I'm saying and, and I will say, everything you said is valid and it could very much well be true, but when, when you're as you're reading, when she had the nervous breakdown in between shifts at home, whatever that may happen, right, they agreed that it would be six months. The six months came. They talked about the subject. She pushed back. He said cool no problem.
Speaker 2:She broke down and he decided to back off.
Speaker 1:She broke down. He backed off. They had the conversation again in a year. She broke down, he backed off. Right, this is a repeating pattern, right? So now it's a year, so now it's been three years, or now it's been two years, and she said, hey, well, well, if you don't want to work, how about we have a family? Then she agrees to that.
Speaker 2:I know, that's what I just said. I know, I know you said it.
Speaker 1:And then, behind his back, she's taking birth control.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's not fair to him Right.
Speaker 1:So the behind the back taking birth control is dishonest.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:I agree. So I'm not going to sit here and hold this man to sickness and health when she's not love, honoring and respecting, because she's being dishonest. So she's the she's the one breaking the vows because he was trying to uphold the vows by being there for in her time of need and but she's not upholding hers. So, like I said, I would not be, I would, I would, I would not, uh, hold it against him if he filed and went through a divorce because he he attempted.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I didn't say I would hold it against him if he filed and went through a divorce because he he attempted. Yeah, I didn't say I would hold it against him, I'm just saying I'm. I'm talking to the fact where he said that he still feels guilty. That he feels guilty for having the thought because in his like, how he's saying in his mind if she is truly, genuinely sick, I don't want to abandon her and I get that.
Speaker 1:But here's the other thing, here's the other thing, here's the other thing. This to me sounds like one of those things where something needs to be done sooner rather than later.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Agreed Before it turns into resentment.
Speaker 2:Yes, agreed, right. So make it. Make the split now, while it can be somewhat civil, before you get to the point where you just don't care because now you feel like she's wasted so much of your time. Yeah, I mean, I think we also. I think we're also negating why the breakdown happened in the first place.
Speaker 2:He never said that, exactly like no one just has a mental breakdown out of nowhere, especially when the way he set it up he was like she was making 150, I was making 200, we got a vacation home, we traveling, like if life was so good. What happened? What happened? There's something else we don't know about. There's something else, because the picture he painted in the beginning is like you know what I mean. If that was the case y'all making $350K a year and traveling, you ain't got no kids, you got multiple homes it would sound like you're living the good life. So what was the breakdown? What's the issue? What was the issue? What was happening in the brain? Like you know what I mean. Or there's more information that we don't know about. There's a lot other things to consider that was not said before. You know, he painted a pretty picture, came on there and was like need advice. Don't know if I should leave my wife, you know? Yeah, and that might be playing a part as to why he also feels guilty.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay. Well, sir, you wouldn't be the asshole. That's my answer. No, I say no. My wife probably says maybe, but I say no, I say no.
Speaker 2:I didn't say maybe I didn't say maybe, but okay, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:I do. I know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:I do.
Speaker 1:I know what you're saying, like I always say lines have to be drawn, boundaries have to be set, limits have to be displayed.
Speaker 2:Okay, this one, ok, ready. So my husband doesn't understand that. I am tired, you ain't doing enough. I'm a stay at home mom with a full time work, from home job, and I have a nine month old baby boy.
Speaker 1:Oh, she's super tired.
Speaker 2:My husband doesn't understand why I need a break, which usually happens when I take a shower. I find it difficult to relax when I can hear the baby crying. It's not that the baby specifically prefers me. My husband has bonded with him as well. All I ask is that when I take a shower, that he engages with the baby so that I can have a moment of peace without the background noise of the crying. When I try to take a break, my husband often stays on his phone while the baby cries nonstop in the background.
Speaker 2:My husband runs his own business, which takes a maximum of four hours out of his day and not including weekends. The rest of his time is spent watching sports, placing bets and late night hangouts with his friends. My job is also pointless as he easily covers all of our household bills, but considered me to be quote unquote lazy If I don't go to work. I am so tired. I have not had a full night's sleep since I was three months pregnant. How do I get him to understand and respect the fact that I am tired?
Speaker 2:You, not because you don't understand it, because he, he says that he considers her to be lazy if she doesn't work.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I heard that part two, which is ridiculous. Um, this is what you need to do he gonna tell you this is what you need to do. Leave his ass there by himself with that baby for a full day.
Speaker 2:Just leave just leave, because if you say anything to him, he's gonna yeah, he's gonna ask you yeah, just say, hey, I gotta get some out the car.
Speaker 1:Go to the car and just leave. Go to the car, oh my gosh no because leave your phone at home because I, because I guarantee you, after three hours of actually having to attend to it to a nine month old, he will understand the amount of work it takes right now. And the other thing is he I don't understand how you can't see that if you're putting in 40 hours and raising the nine month old at the same time and he only working four hours a day.
Speaker 2:So essentially, essentially, he got he got the rest of the day to himself. He got.
Speaker 1:He got 16 hours free a day.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:While you over here and he can't yeah.
Speaker 2:And, like she said, he makes more than enough money to carry them. She said my job is pointless. So basically she's only working to satisfy the notion that he doesn't think that she needs to just be at home all day with the baby, Cause the other hours that the baby don't need her she could be working, and I mean, this is popular.
Speaker 1:I would me personally, I would question this manhood. Oh, I would, because I don't understand a man that would want his woman to be that stress, and to understand that you sit here and you carry my child. For nine months you're taking care of my child and I do believe that, as a man, it is my, it's part of my duty to make your life easier. If I make more than enough so you don't have to work, why am I forcing you to work? So you're not lazy?
Speaker 2:because well, if that's his, here's the thing. If that's his reasoning, then that's diabolical. It's diabolical if, if it's something to where they can save towards retirement or like the check that she's bringing in, is beneficial right, because there is benefits to having two working people.
Speaker 1:But I get like we know that. But I guarantee you he's expecting her to take care of the child, work that eight hours a day, still cook, still absolutely clean, absolutely do all that, absolutely while he sits around because he felt because here's the thing, and I don't understand why men this. But men see, men see their paycheck as a get out of jail free card, while I'm paying for it. So what do I have to do? Because there's going to. There's going to.
Speaker 1:There is going to come a time in your life where your money means nothing. Yeah, there are instances, there are, there are situations and there's occurrences where money will not fix your problems. Yeah, and it doesn't matter how much you make, it doesn't matter how well off you assume to be, when it comes to matters of the heart and the emotional matters, your money will not be able to fill the void or heal a pain or replace love loss. And that's one thing I feel like a lot of men don't understand until it happens to them. We get so and I understand how we get there, because we get so wrapped up in building, building, growing and trying to achieve a certain level of success and a certain level of status quo, and when we get there we feel proud of ourself and that becomes part of our identity because we worked hard to get there, right.
Speaker 1:But I feel like what's lost in the sauce of getting there is the fact that, at the end of the day, none of this shit means nothing, because if war broke out tomorrow, it wouldn't matter. If we got invaded tomorrow, it wouldn't matter. If they drop a nuclear bomb tomorrow, it wouldn't matter. What would matter would be the connection to the people you do your closest to and to the people you are closest to. And I guarantee you that if you were to misplace yourself from his life, he would feel that. Of course, whether he showed it or not, he would feel it in some kind of way and he would most likely be jaded towards the next woman he ever approached. But it's just, it's a wild situation and I don't, ma'am, you're not crazy. And, like I said, leave that motherfucker with the baby, because I can from personal experience when we had Phoenix and you went back to work and then I got hurt, right.
Speaker 1:So I was home with her and I was home with her all the time and she was with three months, three like from like. From the time she was three months to right before she turned one. I was with my baby all day, every day. So I have an understanding that this shit is not easy. Now it was cool at first, but when she turned about five to a month, like five to a half months, and she started moving and she wasn't taking no naps, no more, and I had to sit here and play and sing and then that child can eat bye damiel, goodbye it was rough.
Speaker 2:That child can eat. She can eat now. She used to come home even on the kid menu no more come home.
Speaker 1:I'm like girl, take your baby. Matter of fact, shower with her because I'm done. My shift is over because I used to call her. Hey, you supposed to be off at six. It is 7, 30. Where the hell are you? Come get your child.
Speaker 2:I'm enjoying a meal by myself.
Speaker 1:She was brutal. How was that brutal, cold hearted?
Speaker 2:I got to take care of me, Lucius Cold hearted.
Speaker 1:I got to take care of me. She was cold hearted. But, like I said, I don't know what you're going to say. Just leave the house, leave it with the baby. Maybe they understand.
Speaker 2:All right, experience is the best teacher. Am I the asshole for slapping my boyfriend?
Speaker 2:Probably not my boyfriend admitted to not remembering whether he groped one of my friends on a night out. My friend was crying and begging me to believe her and after pressuring him to tell me the truth, he said he couldn't remember if he touched her or not. And then he laughed in my face. I have never once hit him before, but what he said absolutely disgusted me and it broke me Up. Until this point. He has been the sweetest boyfriend ever, and to have the idea of him shattered in moments broke my heart. It was like a reflex when I hit him. What upsets me even more is that when I have tried to speak to him about what happened, he keeps acting like it's not a big deal. My boyfriend and his dad are treating me like I'm insane for being upset about what he did to my friend and keeps telling me it was just a drunken mistake on his part. My friends have told me that I was in the right for hitting him and that he deserved it, but I still feel guilty. Am I the asshole?
Speaker 1:Um, I'm gonna say yes, cause one, you don't have to put your hands on people.
Speaker 2:Right, I was going to say keep your hands to yourself.
Speaker 1:Two, they're acting like it's not a big deal because it's not a big deal to them. You gotta understand something that's that's important to you, don't mean it's important to everybody else. So it's not important to them, especially because now they're saying it was in a drunk, a drunken phase, right.
Speaker 2:So he may not, he may have not remembered, because I know people when they know, but he remembers, obviously because him and his dad are saying why are you blaming him for something he did while he was drunk? So he, he knows that he did it okay, and then he shrugged. He shrugged his shoulders and laughed in her face.
Speaker 1:Look here, the point of the matter is that if you feel a way about it and he don't feel a way about it, this is one of those things where you have to decide whether or not, what you're going to do.
Speaker 2:What you're going to do.
Speaker 1:Whether you're going to let this shape the relationship or break the relationship. Yeah, you got to make that. Oh, I put that on my shirt. You got to make that, oh, I put that on the shirt. Uh, you gotta make. You gotta make that decision. Um, I don't think I. I don't think necessarily that you are an asshole for for your emotions, but I don't feel like there's any place to put put your hands on anybody right in a violent way, because had he retaliated, I would have said, well, you deserved it.
Speaker 2:Because you hit him first, yeah so I I agree with that. Don't put your hands on people like, even if you upset, you keep your hands and keep your hands to yourself unless you're doing it get your hand off my thigh. Keep your hands to yourself. You don't hit people, okay? We learned that in kindergarten unless they ask for it now if they touch you or they hit you, you light off on the ass, that's. That's the kindergarten playground rules.
Speaker 1:Stand on business.
Speaker 2:Okay, but other than that, no, don't put your hands on him. Two, I think he very much knew what he was doing, and he used being drunk as an excuse, and it's probably something he's always wanted to do when he looked at your friend. So there's that he might make your friend look better than you, right, and then? So with that, if the image of him is now shaken and broken in your mind, just go, I mean, if you ain't got no real ties to each other just go, let's see, we can probably squeeze in one more.
Speaker 2:Oh, ok, ok let's see. Am I the asshole for refusing to go on a family trip after my sister called me the family failure?
Speaker 1:Damn, ok, hold on.
Speaker 2:So I've always had a bit of a rocky relationship with my older sister. She's always been the quote unquote golden child in our family. Straight A's. Great job married with kids you get the idea. Meanwhile I took a different path. I struggled through college, I jumped in between jobs and I'm currently working a retail job while I'm trying to figure out my career path Not perfect, but I'm doing my best.
Speaker 2:Last week we had a family dinner where my parents announced that they wanted to take the whole family on a vacation to celebrate their anniversary. It sounded nice until my sister started joking about how she hopes I can afford to take the time off. She then followed it up by saying it's okay, we all know you're the family failure, but at least you're fun to hang around. Everyone laughed. I awkwardly smiled, but inside I was done. This isn't the first time she's made comments like that, but it hit differently this time.
Speaker 2:After the dinner I told my parents that I wasn't comfortable going on the trip. They tried to brush it off as my sister just joking, but I told them that I'm tired of being disrespected. Now my whole family is upset with me. My sister texted me saying I'm being dramatic and that I'm ruining the trip for everyone. My parents said that they understand that I'm hurt, but that I should come anyway and to not let my sister get under my skin. I really don't want to go, but now I feel guilty for upsetting everyone. Am I the asshole for saying no to going on the trip?
Speaker 1:Not at all, not at all, not at all, not at all, not at all. And I will say this real quick One I probably would go for the benefit of my parents. Because it's something that they wanted to do, because it's something that they want Right, and I will also say this I kind of get the feeling that your sister is just jealous of you because she probably feels like she's had to be perfect.
Speaker 2:She's had to be on the straight and narrow.
Speaker 1:She's had to be yeah she had, she's had to be perfect in every sense of the word, her whole life.
Speaker 2:So there was no room for her to be herself, so there's no room for her to actually right.
Speaker 1:You said like for her to actually display the person that she actually is. And now, since you have taken a different road and you've you've basically been loved the same way. She's been loved Cause it seemed like your parents love all their kids equally. You've been loved in the same manner in which she's been loved from you guys as parents and you've been able to have your, your robot bumps and your roadblocks and still be invited and still. You know what I'm saying. That probably got to her a little bit, because I, I people, need to understand that there is, there is a sacrifice that comes with the, the image of perfection, oh, absolutely, and I and I guarantee you that there is probably some hate, there's probably some resilience, some resentment, resentment.
Speaker 2:But she probably ain't even happy in her real life, Right she's?
Speaker 1:probably not really happy, though she probably goes home every day. She can't stand her husband can't stand her kid, goddamn kids on her goddamn nerves, and she and she want to run away. But she can't run away because she's forced to maintain this image of perfection and it's driving her crazy. So live your life. I don't think you're a asshole, but I would go, go and your sister just a bitch.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because she's also the older sister. So you know the pressure. The pressure for her was you need to set a good example for your young, your younger siblings. So there's a pressure of being the firstborn.
Speaker 2:There's a pressure. You know what I mean. There's a different version of your parents that you get being a firstborn. So I'm pretty sure the pressures that she got from her parents the firstborn, her sister she didn't get those same pressures, which is why she probably took a different path. Right, because she didn't have to do all of the things that her older sister did. The older sister was the first child, the older sister is the we got to get this shit right the first time kid. So you know what I mean and I think that's where like that makes sense to me.
Speaker 2:I had heard something about it was a child therapist talking about why it's important to have multiple children in the house, because when you have multiple children in the house, it's right. They, amongst themselves, they figure out where they fall. Yeah Right, they figure out what their personality type is Like. If this person is type A, I can't occupy that space because that my sister already holds that space. Or if you know there's a mess up, I can't occupy that space because my brother is already occupying that space.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean. So I think you know. And then, as somebody who only has one child, I'm constantly thinking about the way she's behaving the way she's doing things Like because I want to make sure that she has, you know, be on a certain path, right, but by the time you get to child two and three, after raising child one, you quickly realize, like the girl you're going to end up doing what you want to do anyway, regardless of what I say, and a lot of times a lot of times, a lot of times, a lot of times, a lot of situations.
Speaker 1:What it is is the firstborn is in the mud.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the firstborn, because it's their first time and it's the parents' first time being different.
Speaker 1:The parents are still leveling up in their life. They're not to a certain level of success, but by the time you get the child number two, three and four, and now you're a little more secure.
Speaker 2:You got a system, you got some money Right. It's a lot different. You're able right.
Speaker 1:So that's like I said, because I got to tell my mom all the time.
Speaker 2:I tell even my father my experience is not the same as my siblings.
Speaker 1:It's not going to be the same as my older siblings or my younger siblings.
Speaker 2:Because you got different parents and that's what parents don't understand.
Speaker 1:There was different versions of you by the time you got to me for for every number of children you have, there's a, there's a different version of you.
Speaker 2:There are yeah, there was a different version that's why the older siblings are always.
Speaker 2:That's why older siblings are upset with younger siblings sometimes because they feel like the younger siblings are spoiled. They got to do what they wanted to do, but mom and dad was constantly on my ass about stuff. But it's okay for her to just be a screw up. It's OK for her to struggle and flunk through college. If I bought a C home, you guys were down my damn neck Right. That's because they ain't got the energy after you, girl. They didn't put so much fear in you.
Speaker 1:That fear take up a lot of energy, and that's why, when we call our siblings, we go girl, let me tell you about your mama let me tell you about your daddy because your mama is tripping right it ain't, because at this moment in time I'm upset. She's not my mama, she's your mama.
Speaker 2:This is your mama because she tripping your mama is tripping. So yeah, I I will say you're not the asshole. I agree with you, babe, go on the trip, enjoy it, enjoy your parents, because you don't know what could happen tomorrow. And what if this is the last family vacation. Right, everybody gets to where everybody is together.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And this is the one thing that your parents wanted was to have all of their children for their anniversary as a resemblance of their life.
Speaker 1:Here's the thing there may be an announcement on the vacation. You never know, they might trying to get y'all somewhere, uh, where y'all can't really act out.
Speaker 2:Bye, babe, I'm just saying where y'all can't really act out. Yeah, I can't. All right, guys, this has been another episode of the life after I do podcast. If you're not doing so already, you already know the drill. You can follow us on all of our social media platforms, that's facebook, instagram, tiktok, youtube. You can also write into the podcast um atafteridopodcastgmailcom. Please go ahead, feel free. Don't forget to comment, don't forget to share, don't forget to like and do all of the things, guys.
Speaker 1:All the things.
Speaker 2:You get a new episode every Wednesday. We're available on all digital streaming platforms. You get a new um hour two cents every Monday, so don't forget to head over to YouTube to follow us on YouTube. We are still going strong on Tik TOK guys, but we do need your help in showing us some love on Instagram and YouTube. Okay, so don't forget about us over there. I know some of y'all are are on Instagram and YouTube as well.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:So over there, I know some of y'all are are on instagram and youtube as well, okay, so, uh, don't forget to like and share and follow and do all of the social media things okay, but until the end, we'll see you next week. Peace booskies.
