Life After I Do Podcast
Marriage and relationships can be tough. You may feel like you’re the only one struggling but you’re not. Life After I do is a weekly podcast where Morice and Kynesha, a black married millennial couple, share their experiences and advice on everything from kids and family to intimacy and connection. Noting is off limits.
In their 21 years together and 7 years of marriage, Morice and Kynesha have learned a lot about what it takes to make a relationship work. They know the importance of communication, trust and commitment. They also know it’s okay to not have it all figured out.
Join them every Wednesday as they talk about their own journey of “Life After I do”.
Life After I Do Podcast
Privacy
In this episode, we dive into the delicate balance between trust and privacy in relationships, especially in the age of smartphones. How much privacy should partners have? When does curiosity turn into snooping? And how do past experiences shape our ability to trust?
I think my biggest thing would be if I have not given you a reason to not trust me, or if I have not given you a reason to have to dig into my life, even though we spend like how she said we were spending every single day together.
Speaker 1:You were talking to my mama, you bringing me food, so for her perspective, she's like I should be able to have access to your phone. But my thing is is, if I haven't given you a reason to not trust me, your lack of trust for me is coming from somewhere else that has nothing to do with me and therefore I don't feel that I have to be obligated. Hey, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Life. After I Do AKA the Laid Podcast, I'm here today with you, your host Hostess with the mostest, hostess with the mostest B Hostess with the mostest.
Speaker 3:Nice woman hostess.
Speaker 1:I'm here with this guy to my right.
Speaker 3:I'm her husband.
Speaker 1:My husband.
Speaker 3:That's it Unnamed. Unnamed, just her husband Just the guy footing the bill.
Speaker 1:That's it, that's it.
Speaker 3:I'm just as I like to say around here, I'm just the wallet, okay, well, y'all love me. Y'all love me on Tuesdays, though.
Speaker 1:On Tuesdays. Yeah, why what's Tuesdays?
Speaker 3:I don't know, I just y'all. Really, I feel love on Tuesdays. Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:Tuesdays and payday.
Speaker 3:That's when I feel the most love. Goodbye.
Speaker 1:Anywho, how are you, babe I, how are you babe? I'm here, babe.
Speaker 3:You know, I'm just here doing my pod tizzle rizzle.
Speaker 1:Oh well, I was going to tell the people how excited I was that I got new shoe insoles, but apparently my husband don't want to hear about how comfortable my feet are right now under the table and my crocs.
Speaker 3:Tell the people about your insoles. Tell them, go ahead and tell them. Tell the people People want the people about your insults. Tell people, tell them, go ahead, tell them. Tell the people they want people want to know about your, your feet, the people.
Speaker 1:this is an important issue this is listen, listen, okay, this is a part of getting older. We know you, okay? No, I'm not old. I'm older than I was before. But this is also a part of you know being 30 great being 30.
Speaker 1:Great, you know you listen. When it comes to your, your feet, your knees and your back as you get older, those are things that you have to really like, be mindful of, take care of. That's why it's important for you to you know stay moving. Stay moving, guys, because them back, knees and feet Any one of them three get out of whack and it's. You know it's not a good party, but anywho, the podiatrist said that it's a good idea to have insoles.
Speaker 1:The podiatrist said that it was a good idea to have insoles in all your shoes, and she said even your crocs so I followed doctor's orders.
Speaker 3:I think she was just trying to sell us products she probably was.
Speaker 1:But I mean, you know I'm your pusher. I went and got some insoles for my crocs and I was like you know what it's actually working out, because my feet are warmer. I got a little arch support in there, a little cushion from a heel map your feet are warmer thanks, thanks.
Speaker 3:So they're like they're warm because you don't believe in color and cover or the heater when it's okay, listen, here you and I are.
Speaker 1:We are the. For some reason, we are the opposite when it comes to being hot and cold. You would think I'm the one that's always cold and he's the one that's hot, and I'm the one turning on the heater and he's the one that's hot and I'm the one turning on the heater and he's the one who wants it cool. But it's not that at all. This man has been shivering like a little baby chihuahua for the past week.
Speaker 3:First of all, put some respect to my name. Don't call me no chihuahua.
Speaker 2:I didn't call you a chihuahua.
Speaker 3:I am done, I am, I am Okay. You've been, I am, I am Okay, okay here we go. Okay.
Speaker 2:We came home from the gym today.
Speaker 3:No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I see, I see where this is going. What? And if you won't smoke?
Speaker 1:I am not saying anything.
Speaker 3:I'm going to start the fire. Okay, that's all.
Speaker 1:I'm saying Well, we came home from the gym, we showered and everything.
Speaker 3:We was like let's watch a movie, let's lay down and cuddle we sitting there cuddling and he he's like I am freezing, are you not cold?
Speaker 1:no, I'm not cold. It was cold today. I literally can feel when my house is above 73, when my house goes above 73, I'd be like, oh no, did you turn the heater on? Like I came up the other night and as soon as I came upstairs I I said this house is above 73.
Speaker 3:It was toasty.
Speaker 1:I was like why is it so hot upstairs? I said Maurice, please tell me you don't have that heater on. He was like I sure do Look here and under the covers and still has a fan going.
Speaker 3:My fan has not been on in months.
Speaker 1:Your fan has been on? No, it has not it's okay.
Speaker 3:Now you just lying. Just lie to people. I'm done. I have no rebuttal.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh. Anyway he's been. He's been super cold lately.
Speaker 3:Yes, it's been cold outside but I don't feel like it's been really.
Speaker 1:I don't feel like it's been really cold. It has been.
Speaker 3:Today was a high of 50.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 3:Which in in we in California. So 50 degrees in California is like negative, negative 10 in New York.
Speaker 1:Okay, it's cold babe, I'm not denying the fact that it was a little chilly, but inside the house it hasn't been that cold Anytime in California. You got to cover your toes. It's too cold and people still don't do that. That's the California way. Anywho, how was your week, babe? Tell me about your week. I'm always so interested for the people who are not visually watching us.
Speaker 3:They could. They didn't see that hand gesture, so how?
Speaker 1:was your week. It was mid. Why? Why was it mid? I don't know. Actually I don't even remember it.
Speaker 3:I don't even remember it. I think, uh, it was just me, you know, I'm just trying to wrap my head around what's to come what's to come life going back to normal. Oh, back to our normal routine back to our regularly scheduled programming back to our regularly scheduled programming, which is what you're looking forward to anyway, because you just all you want to do is get rid of me. So I mean you're happy about that. So, but how was your week, booskies? My week was okay it doesn't matter, because you won't smoke.
Speaker 1:Why? Because I said you were shivering like a baby chihuahua. I didn't call you a chihuahua, babe Okay. Cheetah Pat, okay, but I didn't call you a chihuahua. You did, you didn't call you a chihuahua.
Speaker 3:You've been cold, okay I I apologize that I made the reference.
Speaker 1:A lot of animals get cold, this is true, but the first one that came to mind and that I thought about because I thought about our late great we love you forever uh jumpers, ulysses gill, and when he used to get cold, he used to shiver. That was our uh reindeer chihuahua that we had for like 17 years, and when he would get cold.
Speaker 1:He also had negative body fat he did not have negative body fat. He was a little chunksters before he got sick. He got, he was a little chunky, he started gaining some weight before he got sick and then, when he got sick, he started losing his weight. Okay, but, yeah, but he used to shiver when he was cold and he was a chihuahua.
Speaker 3:I see you playing online this week, so oh goodness gracious what we got today.
Speaker 1:So today we're going to be talking about privacy, Privacy matters within a relationship you ain't got no privacy in marriage. More importantly, more specifically, cellular devices.
Speaker 3:You ain't got no privacy in marriage.
Speaker 1:Even with a cellular device, they gonna be in your shit, no matter what. Do you not think that? Okay, hold on, let's play the clip and then I'll talk to you about what you think. Okay.
Speaker 3:Okay, let's play the clip.
Speaker 2:That's a big topic too, like going through phones.
Speaker 3:I don't go through phones.
Speaker 2:I think it's an invasion of privacy. I think it's an invasion of privacy.
Speaker 3:I feel like I'm not proud of it either, but I'm very proud.
Speaker 1:I feel like I'm very proud of this crew. Girl we got to see we ain't know we going to need these flags for you girl. We're proud of you now. I love you. Sorry, baby, sorry, baby, listen listen, listen, let me tell you right In the beginning of us.
Speaker 2:It was very new. We damn near spent every single day with each other, like every day. So it was to the point where, like I know he might as well love me at this point Like he always picking me up every day, he bringing me food, he doing this, he doing that, he bring me on dates. You like me for real. So if I go through your phone, what are?
Speaker 3:we doing, Because you're not going to be in my face buying me food, taking me here, taking me to your crib, coming to my house, talking to my mom. If you want to talk to somebody else, we can stop right here and we can go Okay.
Speaker 1:So what are your thoughts about the phone? First, I want to know do you think it's an invasion of privacy for your partner to have access to your phone in a way where they're snooping?
Speaker 3:I mean my daughter got access to my phone, she'd be all. She'd be all through my phone.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but like in general, I mean me personally.
Speaker 3:I don't have nothing to hide, so I don't really care Right. And you don't find nothing there but some funny TikToks and a lot of videos in the gym.
Speaker 1:Some funny TikToks. A lot, of, a lot of videos in the gym, some funny TikTok. That's it okay so, okay, so let's break it down a little bit. So what would be some reasons that you think would be justified? Of going through going through someone's phone to me there's.
Speaker 3:No, I don't. I personally believe that there's no justifiable reason because I do feel like it is an invasion of invasion of privacy, right. There's no justifiable reason because I think, do feel like it is an invasion of privacy, right. There's no justifiable reason because I think if you're, if you're going through someone's phone to try to find something, to try to find dirt, that is, are the cause you, you've already reached a point to where you are. You either think or you're assuming that they're partaking in an activity that they shouldn't partake in and you're going to find evidence to clear your conscience. Either one way or the other.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 3:Because the thing is, I felt like when people go through phones, when they they don't say nothing, when they don't find nothing.
Speaker 1:Correct. They only say only say something when they find something Correct, Right.
Speaker 3:So it's like to me it is an invasion of privacy and it is. It is you uh you showing a lack of trust in your partner. Cause I feel like if you feel like you have to go through the phone, then the trust is already shaky as it is, because if you can't take their word for it now, it's kind of also kind of hard for me to like say, because in my relationship and our dynamic we have each other's passcodes and stuff. So it's not like you know, like you literally made a whole target order on my phone the night and then paid for it with my Apple Pay, correct? I don't know how you got my face, but you- I didn't have to use your face.
Speaker 1:I know the code.
Speaker 3:Okay, anyway, but that's what I'm saying, like, like you, literally, but like, but like. Again, I understand that I've been told and I understand that I'm probably the minority of men who don't care because I don't have anything to hide right because I gotta like always say everyone knows I'm married and I don't, I don't cross boundaries right and you okay, so you don't have anything to hide.
Speaker 1:But there will be some people who say they don't have anything to hide either. But just the mere fact of someone going through something as personal as their cell phone, it doesn't have to be, it doesn't have to be me being dishonest. I just feel like that's a boundary. Not saying me, I'm just saying from discussions that we've had amongst friends, they feel as though that still it's something personal like that. That's mine, it's my phone, to do with it what I will, and that's still a personal boundary. And even though I'm not hiding anything, I still don't think that gives you the right to go through my phone.
Speaker 3:And to some degree to some degree I agree with that. I do think that your phone is yours. It is a place where you probably Some people keep their diary on their phone.
Speaker 1:You write things.
Speaker 3:You keep things memos, memos. You might even have like notes of certain things that you don't want other people to see you might have. There might be health things in there you don't want other people to see. Yep, there might be. There might be secrets uh, good secrets, like uh, where you're planning a trip or you're planning to buy a gift from your person. You don't want them to be.
Speaker 1:Access that part or vulnerabilities of others. Right, that's in your phone.
Speaker 3:Like people who, that don't matter to me, because I tell people I be a t-set we know that.
Speaker 3:But I'm just saying I'm not speaking about you, I'm speaking about others in general, like, yeah, you know yeah, again, like I agree because like I I have, I have, you know, some intimate details about um friends and and family members and and co and I'm not co-workers but friends and family members that I would not share with anybody else. But if you went through my text messages you would find it. You would find it because they're my text message. But I also felt like if you're snooping through my phone, let me just say you you're not going to read the text messages back and forth between me and my siblings. You're going to try to figure out the names. You don't know.
Speaker 1:Like who is Marissa?
Speaker 3:She's my supervisor.
Speaker 1:She's also your barista at Starbucks.
Speaker 3:One of them, but I don't have the barista's number. I know I ain't got the barista's supervisor number, but it's like that's the conversation you're most likely going to go through.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:But I also feel like I mean, if I was going to snoop, I wouldn't even go through text messages. I'm going through DMs. That's where you Social media. That's where you go Social media.
Speaker 3:It's going through DMs and to be honest, and the glove compartment in the car wow, I don't know what that is, but okay, I mean, I know what a glove compartment is, but I don't know what do you keep in there? But I'm like, when it comes to social media DMs, if you have the log and you can do that from a computer, you don't need the phone for that.
Speaker 1:That is true you don't need that connected to all of their devices, as long as there's a device at the house.
Speaker 3:Right, Like again, like again. That's perfect example. My iPad is connected to my phone so you can read my text.
Speaker 1:Whatever's happening at work. You see, I'm going to see on the iPad anyway.
Speaker 3:So it's not like again, again, but I understand that our marriages are it's not like other marriages and that we were pretty much an open book.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but, yeah, but I I'm just talking about, like, in the grand scheme of things, because, like, as you know, we've had this discussion amongst our couple friends and there's some people who feel very strongly about like phones being off limit.
Speaker 3:yeah, like it's, it's a major, a breach of privacy but I also feel like I've also, and I can understand that it's it's a security thing right for one of the parties involved, and if that's something that the other person it's, it's a security thing right For one of the parties involved, and if that's something that the other person is willing to accept, there's nothing wrong with that Right. But I I can also see it as being a um, uh. But the people that that want it to be private I also see their point of view as well Like no point of view as well.
Speaker 3:Like, no, this is like if I'm sharing all my life with you, right, let me have, let me have this one thing. Let me have this to myself, and especially because, also because it's also like I also feel like, if there's something awry, like there will be changes in personality dynamics, right, or behavior, or behavior or or, all of a sudden, time management is different. Yeah, you know, I'm saying like there will'm saying there will be signs, there will be signs, right. But I understand that people, I feel like people who want that access have been done wrong in the past and they're bringing the baggage from the previous situation into the new relationship.
Speaker 1:Like the insecurity of what happened prior.
Speaker 3:Right and a lot of times, a lot of times as the new relationship, like the insecurity of what happened prior Right, and a lot of times, a lot of times, as the new person, you accept that to a degree and you don't put much of a hard line on the pushback as you probably normally would, because you understand that. You know it is kind of my. It's not necessarily my responsibility to like, fix or feed into their insecurities. Understand that, you know it is kind of my. It's not necessarily my responsibility to um, like, fix or feed into their insecurities, but it is my kind of like my job as their new partner to kind of like put them a little bit at ease. So some people will like acquiesce to that of showing them the phone or giving them the password.
Speaker 3:But I do feel like from what my understanding of most of successful relationships, I know like there is no, you don't have my passcode, you can't go through my phone type deal Like everything's pretty much an open book and I can see how if you have a person in a relationship that doesn't want to share their phone, like if you, someone calls my phone, you answer it and like I have an issue with that, or someone calls your phone Like it and like I have an issue with that. Or someone calls you and I'm like that can be a red flag, like why are you so upset that I answer your phone? You know what I'm saying like why is Pizza Hut calling you at 930 at night?
Speaker 3:because they got good pepperoni yeah, exactly, and that's the issue I'm trying to solve, because they got good pepperoni. What did you do that about? And that's the issue I'm trying to solve. You know what I mean. So I mean, but it is, I do. But I me personally, I do find phones to be a private place. Yeah, I do find.
Speaker 1:I mean, okay, yes, I agree, I agree both ways that it could be a bit of an evasion of privacy and that it could be, you know, the whole open book aspect. But I mean for me personally some other reasons that I think would be not, I'm not saying like just a great idea, but maybe reason to go through a phone like someone's phone. Your partner's phone is like safety and security, Okay, Okay.
Speaker 3:Here we go See what safety and security do you need. What safety and security, um, okay, what? Okay, here we go see what safety and security do you need. What safety and security are you gonna find going through my phone.
Speaker 1:You never know, I don't. It depends on what the situation is that I have to do to keep you safe, well paint paint me a picture.
Speaker 3:Paint me a picture because here in my mind, I really want to know what you're thinking. Because because my medical card looks like your medical card, matter of fact, your medical card, what if I don't?
Speaker 1:have my medical card with me and I know yours is on your phone, so by me knowing your passcode, like god forbid, say something comes up and they're like, oh my gosh, does he have a medical card? Because, even though we're trying to save his life, we also want to get paid. And I have your phone and I'm like, oh my goodness, yes, I know exactly how to get to his medical card. Let me put his pin in. Let me go through and find his medical card.
Speaker 3:That's not even it, because you could tell them my social security number and what company.
Speaker 1:Listen, listen.
Speaker 3:That just seemed like safety and security. That just seemed like that. Is you like trying to woman's plane a situation? Because I don't really feel like safety and security. No, okay, um, let's see financial purposes that I can see right if you, if you don't have access, if you don't have access to something you can get through the phone that I can see that would be.
Speaker 1:That would be a night. I mean, that would be a reason to be able to go through your partner's phone no, no, you're not going through the phone, you're going to the app well, you're going. Yeah, you can go through the app. You can go to the apple wallet, you can um go through the zelle, the cash app.
Speaker 3:So now you're trying to see what. So now you're trying to see what the transaction looks like what other reason what I mean? Again yes, of course, and that's snooping okay, is that?
Speaker 1:is that snooping?
Speaker 3:Yes, but if.
Speaker 1:I'm trying to figure out when the money has gone to, and you can't give me A good recap.
Speaker 3:You're snooping.
Speaker 1:Okay, but if you gave me permission, it's not snooping.
Speaker 3:I mean I don't care, okay, but that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:We're talking about us, okay, okay, but In the grand scheme of things, with others, would that be? Yes, that's snooping, even if you're trying to get.
Speaker 3:Because my thing is is that you wouldn't even be looking at these lists of transactions when some kind of doubt Right yeah, exactly. So you're snooping.
Speaker 1:So I.
Speaker 3:So what it sounds like you're saying there's a lack of trust there, yes, trust and dishonesty. Yes.
Speaker 1:So when trust and dishonesty is playing a part, of course that's going to put the pressure on the partner who wants to snoop, to be like, hand over that phone. I want to see what's going on and then the person who is using the, I think, as an evasion of privacy, as the reasoning as to why they don't want to hand over the phone only makes the situation worse did you just try to hold in a yawn. I didn't, because I did the face that you made trying to hold in a yawn right now just let the yawn out.
Speaker 1:I can't do that, just let the um I don't know.
Speaker 3:I just feel like these are. This whole situation is something that needs to. It's like for me it's one of those conversations that need to be had early on to kind of have ground rules and, like things, set expectations, set and parameters, set of what is okay within the dynamic of your relationship. And I cause I feel, I just feel like for me personally, I feel like if there's snooping involved, it's coming from dishonesty, it's coming from lack of trust, it's coming from the person who doing the snooping has a doubt.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:And I just feel like, in those situations, when the person who snoops, when they like, like, like I said earlier, when they don't find anything, they don't say anything, they don't say they snooped their phone, right? So it's like the person who's being, who's having their, their loyalty called into question, it's a lose, lose for them, right.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:It's. Either it's either they find something and they try to exaggerate it into being something that it's not, or they find something that's damaging and it ruins, or they find nothing and it seems like there's no, really there's no upside to the other person, because if you have convinced yourself that they're hiding something in their phone or they're hiding something in their computer or they're hiding something in their car, you're not going to just look one time.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:You're going to try to figure out what the hell could they be putting it?
Speaker 1:Yeah, what else is going?
Speaker 3:on.
Speaker 1:But, like I, like you said, they're established parameters but also communication. They're established parameters, but also communication. So I think my biggest thing would be if I have not given you a reason to not trust me, or if I have not given you a reason to have to dig into my life, even though we spend like how she said, we were spending every single day together.
Speaker 1:You were talking to my mama, you bringing me food, so for her perspective, she's like I should be able to have access to your phone. But my thing is is, if I haven't given you a reason to not trust me, your lack of trust for me is coming from somewhere else that has nothing to do with me and therefore I don't feel that I have to be obligated. To allow you to. The phone is just the first step. Yeah, because, because if I start letting you have the phone under the premise of making you feel at ease because you don't trust me, that just means that's just the first step. Right, it's going to spill over into other things. Even if I'm having just a regular conversation with somebody or if I'm talking to a co-worker too long, that little piece of insecurity that already caused you to have distrust in me to want to go through my phone. Now you can start questioning me about why I talked to my coworker for 30 minutes. Then you start asking why? Why? You know what I mean.
Speaker 3:And what you and what you said. That is the key part. It's the insecurity in the other person.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Right and you find and I know people in situations like this I'm not doing anything wrong. They think they think I have the possibility, I have the possibility to, or I might be right, but but at the same time, there's nothing I can say or do to put them at ease, right, right, so it's always something in the back of their head of well, I need, I need to see his, his phone, I need to, I need, I need to know where he's at. I need his location, I need you know what I'm saying Like and it's like at what point do I give up all of my privacy to make you feel better, right? At what point do I have to be under your eye 24 seven? If me being under your eye is the only way you're going to feel comfortable being in a relationship with me, then this is not a relationship.
Speaker 1:You're the warden and I'm the prisoner, right, right, I mean.
Speaker 1:And like you said before about putting your partner at ease, stop rubbing my thigh about putting your partner at ease, okay, yes, I don't think that we should start, um, like, the whole premise of you wanting to go through my phone.
Speaker 1:I'm not talking about us, I'm just talking about in general. But the whole premise beginning premise of you wanting to go through my phone is simply because you want to ensure that I'm on the straight and narrow, that I'm not doing anything that I have no business doing. If I communicated and said, hey, I haven't given you a reason to not trust me, where is it coming from? Okay, but the same token, if I'm trying to put you at ease and I acquiesce to this request and I say, look, I'm going to do this one time, I'm going to give you my phone and you can have my phone for 20 minutes, do what you will with my phone, go through, go through everything, but at the end of the 20 minutes, if you don't find anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or causes uh, cause my character into um question or anything like that, I think it's only fair that, if me not wanting you to go through my phone again is a request that you don't make again.
Speaker 3:But see, my thing is, I hear what you're saying, but I feel like two things. One, they're going to go through the phone when you're not, when you don't think they're going to go through the phone.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they just want like access when they want it when they want it yes, like on the spot.
Speaker 3:Because they're going to tell themselves well, of course they want to go through it right now, because they've already removed everything. So of course right.
Speaker 1:They want to be able to select a random time. Ok, select a random time. It's a random time at your will.
Speaker 3:But a random time that you don't know about.
Speaker 1:OK, but I have to be able to give you my phone.
Speaker 3:But then here's the fine line If I do this now, this is nine times out of 10, this is going to be something that I'm going to have to repeatedly do.
Speaker 1:But that's what I'm saying. That's where the communication portion comes in at.
Speaker 3:Right. But baby, you got to understand people will make deals in the moment. Oh, I know.
Speaker 1:And renegotiate down the line I know.
Speaker 3:So they'll say whatever they need to say in that moment To get what they want To try to get that peace of mind that they're looking for yeah, right, yeah. And what I think happens most of the time is when they go through a phone and they don't find something that makes it worse, worse, because now they're like what are you hiding? Because now it's like what are you hiding? Because I know I'm not crazy. Because now they're looking at it like I know what I'm feeling. Oh Lord, you better not say it.
Speaker 1:Women's intuition, women's intuition. Get the hell out of here.
Speaker 3:Women's intuition.
Speaker 1:Listen intuition is a real thing.
Speaker 3:Let's start there. I didn't say it wasn't, it's just a lot of times that's what a lot of women use it would as the excuse as the excuse. Y'all got a lot of intuition, but y'all don't know when.
Speaker 1:Y'all car only yes, we do no y'all don't yeah it's not our responsibility, why am I?
Speaker 3:gonna look at the gas hand.
Speaker 1:So it's like I feel like that was a shot at you.
Speaker 3:It was I told you you wanted to smoke um there's no reason to look at the gas hand.
Speaker 3:Again. But it's like this is something that's. This is like one of those things where, as a man, you have to. You're going to have, it's a fine line, like, but you're going to have to put your foot down, like either this is something you're comfortable with or you're not. Now I'm the type of man I don't care, because I have nothing to hide Right now. I'm the type of man I don't care because I have nothing to hide right, like, and if I wanted to hide it, you wouldn't know how to find it. I wouldn't know how to find it anyway. You know what I'm saying, because who's this?
Speaker 1:he's more tech.
Speaker 3:He's more tech savvy than I am far more tech savvy than I am, because, who's to say, I don't have another phone right.
Speaker 1:This is true with a whole other number right on a different carrier or a bank account, like I mean, how long? How long was it before you knew I had another bank account?
Speaker 3:yeah, you're wrong. You're wrong. That's. That's cheating financially.
Speaker 3:We'll have to do an episode about that that's we'll do an episode about that, but but yeah, but like I was saying, it's a fine line and it's like, as your partner, I need I line and it's like, as your partner, I need I. I personally feel like it is my responsibility to put your uh, esteem, uh, as a priority to some, to some degree. But when it gets to the point to where now I'm now jumping through hoops, yeah, where it's like a thing right to reassure you now.
Speaker 3:This is too much burden on me now. Now I feel like, well, if I have to constantly do this to prove to you that I am who I say I am, it's exhausting. You must think I ain't shit.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Because now your actions are starting to reflect on my character. Because, now you're basically without saying. You're accusing me of X, y and Z, with no proof of X, y and Z, me of X, y and Z, with no proof of X, y and Z. And now you're constantly looking for avenues to find evidence or little tidbits to then justify the theories that you have created in your mind. Yeah, and now I'm going through turmoil and hell to try to make you feel like at peace.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but you've probably been moving different in the house. Okay, you know, that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I went to bed at 8.02 because it's most men I know, most of my friends, right? I'm going to say my friends, it's, it's, it's baffling to me, and I'm not saying it's not possible, right, because anybody, when you people, make time for what they want to do. So I'm not saying that, I'm not saying that right, but when I look at the work schedules that we have, it's like it's damn near impossible for us to have time to entertain anything. It's it's damn near impossible.
Speaker 1:Except when you're over the road. How often?
Speaker 3:do I go over the?
Speaker 1:road. It doesn't matter, no, I'm just saying you're, you used your profession.
Speaker 3:No, I said no, I said my friends.
Speaker 1:I didn't say my friends, I didn't say my friends, I know, no, I'm just saying, you're like with your schedule.
Speaker 3:So it's like and when you're working, because most of my friends work 10 to 12 hour days. So when you're working 10 to 12 hour days and then you're still being an active father, yeah, and you're still going to events, you're still showing up for your kids, how much time do you think I have left to entertain somebody Now?
Speaker 1:of course. Apparently you think I'm picking up randoms at state line. No, I'm just saying that, like how you said, people make.
Speaker 3:Which, which, which, if you know, I hope you wouldn't pick up no rando at state line.
Speaker 3:Which no, I ain't got time for that either, cause I got to keep it moving, cause I'm trying to get off the clock but it's just like I do feel like some of this insecurity that that partner has, because I don't want to say women, because I understand some of the insecurity is just it's just founded on no basis, it's just them being inside of their own head and because, like I said, and I think most of it is driven by past relationships, past trauma, past events that's happened to them and they kind of said to themselves this will not happen to me again.
Speaker 3:This will never happen to me again. And now you're bringing this negative energy into your current situation because you don't want to be hurt again, which is understandable. But there is a better way to achieve that. Like that. That's where the communication should happen. You should say hey, you know what. This happened to me in the past and they were. They were very secretive, they're very private. It would be, it would. It would. I would appreciate it if you would have a little more transparency with me, if you would show me things when I ask if I have my concerns that's what I'm saying, that's what the communication, that communication, I'd like here that that is is more warranted than the snooping or the um um accusing right accusing.
Speaker 3:Right, he's in the bathroom, let me go to her phone. She's in the shower, let me go to her phone. She's in the shower, let me go to her phone. That kind of thing. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, but because I feel like I don't feel like I'm sorry, I feel like snooping never ends well. Really I don't feel like it. Yes, I don't feel like I am a believer of you going to find whatever you're looking for.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, absolutely. And even if you don't, your brain is really good, it's going to justify it. Your brain's really good at putting your own self at ease. And even just a comment you see, or a message that you see that could be platonic, your brain is going to turn it around and be like, uh, I read that undertone different.
Speaker 3:Like hold on, there was a. There was. There was a certain time a couple years ago, when you said you said something to me along the lines of you and so-and-so getting real friendly online who I'm not gonna say no names, oh, but this is what you said to me. What did I say? You said you guys getting real friendly, uh, with with the comments right now. Mind you, I have a very strict policy. I have a very strict. What's your strict policy? Online policy I do not. I will comment on someone's post yeah, but you won't like direct message them.
Speaker 3:I won't direct message them. I won't I. I don't care if you're, if I'm not related to you in any way and you are a woman. I do not like your posts.
Speaker 1:I'll comment on it you've liked other women's posts, friends like who Ashley and birthday posts and stuff like that.
Speaker 3:Stuff like that yeah, friends from high school but like if it's just like a random selfie because they was filming themselves that day, I go right and it's a random person.
Speaker 1:No, or just people.
Speaker 3:You know people, I know I go right by that right now, if you're a random person, I don't know, I'm not liking nothing unless it's like a guy's video and it's funny, then yeah. But like I'm talking about when it comes to women or people so have you never liked other females posts? Have I ever liked them?
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, you have.
Speaker 3:No, what I'm saying is I don't like them, and if I accidentally do, hit the button.
Speaker 1:Accidentally. Who accidentally hits the like button?
Speaker 3:Because sometimes I go through that I just start hitting like on my friends' videos, right, and if I accidentally do, I go back and take it back.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry, maurice, stop. Stop it, I'm being dead serious, I go back and take it back.
Speaker 3:I'll show you, I'll take it back, I'll show you. I'll show you, I'll show you, especially because I've had to, when I went through my whole about a couple years ago, when I went through my whole like transition of trying to like readjust my uh Instagram.
Speaker 1:Oh, your timeline and stuff. Yes, I remember that.
Speaker 3:And I stopped liking everything and all like particular things.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:That that like stayed with me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it cleaned up your whole so like I'll watch something.
Speaker 3:I won't like it. I something. Why is it so much time? But even if you watch it, like giving it the watch time, the algorithm will pick that up. That's the thing. I don't watch all of it, I only watch certain ones, only watch some of this right, so you try to limit your ass watching.
Speaker 2:So it doesn't just fill up your timeline because I'm a man I like, obviously yes.
Speaker 3:I'm going to look at it.
Speaker 1:I expect you to. I'm going to look at it.
Speaker 3:I tell you I'm going to look at it.
Speaker 2:We were at the gym. We look at it together.
Speaker 1:We look at it together.
Speaker 3:We're at the gym, I'm going to look.
Speaker 1:If I see it, I'm going to look. You see it too. I was like, babe, her Titties is out when Right. I don't know why you told me that you can't tell me there's titties in the gym and I'm not going to look Because I'm searching. That's why I told you I'm searching for them now.
Speaker 3:My radar is up.
Speaker 1:Where are they at?
Speaker 3:Where are they at? I said I was trying. I was too focused on the workout If I let some titties go by.
Speaker 1:Well, I need to dial it back, goodbye.
Speaker 3:I need to dial it back.
Speaker 1:Goodbye, you just got off track.
Speaker 3:Because sometimes I look over at Joe Chase and I'm like, ooh, that's it.
Speaker 1:That's why I do it. That's it right there.
Speaker 3:That's why I do it.
Speaker 1:That's why I do it so silly, but yeah.
Speaker 3:But it is, it is Like again, but this is a conversation we've had right, Right and and I think that's where it starts the conversation.
Speaker 1:Just have the conversation.
Speaker 3:So my thing is like I basically said all that to say this my thing is that we've had the conversation, so I try to Act accordingly online, so that you don't feel like I'm either being inappropriate or showing someone too much of attention. And if you do I have, I'm always vocal, usually about that and I also make sure that you, um, like, you feel like that I'm actually respecting. You know our, our union and your feelings, right, because um I don't know what you do on your black accounts.
Speaker 3:I don't have burner accounts. I barely got time for the council. We got um, but it's like um you. You said that and then you know he threw me. He threw me all the way off.
Speaker 3:Oh my god you said all that to say that it was a conversation we had, and so I I I do things part of and I take this, I take that stance and I do things because, like I said earlier, it is, it is part of my responsibility to help you be secure in yourself, right, because, although I can't be the driving force, right, I can reaffirm your security, righture, right, and that's why I conduct myself the way I do. This is why I, like I said, I will my wife, people to death, because I let it be known that you are here and you are around and we are very much still together, we are very much still happy, we are very much going strong.
Speaker 3:Right, and even if we ain't, you ain't going to, I ain't got time Because if something happened over here, you won't know, until it's done, I'm going to be single.
Speaker 3:I'm not doing that shit again. I will never get married again. Wow, never. It's kind of harsh. No, that should be a beautiful thing, because that means you're the only woman that will ever have my heart. Oh, I mean, you gonna crush it before you left. But you're gonna crush it, but, but you're the one to have it all right, so yeah, so uh, okay overall, yes or no.
Speaker 1:Is going through your partner's phone an invasion of privacy?
Speaker 3:I think it is okay I think you're doing the most.
Speaker 1:Well, let's head on right on into our two cents. I think with this story somebody should have went through somebody's phone, because they would have found some things.
Speaker 3:All right.
Speaker 1:Okay, ready, all right. So this is from an anonymous person. Obviously I'm torn. I've been sleeping with my husband's father for nine years now.
Speaker 3:I'm torn, I've been sleeping with my husband's father for nine years now. I love my husband, but I see why I love Wait.
Speaker 1:For nine years. Yes, she's been sleeping with her father-in-law for nine years.
Speaker 3:Okay, ready, that must be his stepdaddy. This is a wild Okay.
Speaker 1:I'm torn. I've been sleeping with my husband's father for nine years now. I love my husband, but I see why I love him, because I love his dad more. We have a seven-year-old son together and I have recently found out that our son is his dad's. Wow, I told his dad and now his dad wants us to come clean about our relationship. I don't know what to do. His dad and I got engaged on Christmas but agreed not to say anything until the end of my son's school year because we plan on moving from Alabama to Yonkers, new York. He says that the people there are more chill and will understand our situations. Any advice?
Speaker 3:I don't think this is real.
Speaker 1:Okay, whether it's real or not.
Speaker 3:I don't think this is real Okay whether it's real or not, I don't Advice.
Speaker 1:She a hoe Hoe, she a hoe I want to know how long they've been married and if this.
Speaker 3:Israel, you got this man raising his brother. Yeah, like how.
Speaker 1:Okay, think about how that could possibly feel how Okay, think about how that could possibly feel. Think about how that could possibly feel.
Speaker 3:I might kill you.
Speaker 1:That your son, who you play catch with you pay for him to play travel ball. You raised him for the past seven years.
Speaker 3:And he looks just like you, and he looks just like you. Look at your daddy.
Speaker 1:He looks just like y'all. And then what about the comments that you made? Like damn, you got your pop-pop's eyes.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you really do.
Speaker 1:You really do. You got your pop-pop's eyes and then come to find out that your son is actually your brother.
Speaker 3:I just think this is a situation where once karma get her ass. If this is real, once karma get on her ass, it's going gonna be rough, but if she's been sleeping with, the father, the father for nine years. I would really like to know how long they have been married where grandma at, cause they have a seven year old where grandma at apparently grandma's not around, because she ain't mentioned nothing about his mama this is wild.
Speaker 3:This is first of all. This is foul. This is first of all this is foul On so many levels. This is why. This is why so many people believe what Sugar Free say.
Speaker 1:What does Sugar Free say, babe, enlighten us. What did he say, enlighten us? I'm not, but yeah, I would really like to know how long she's been married to her husband. If she's been sleeping with her father-in-law for nine years, well, if he, I guess.
Speaker 3:If it's her father-in-law, I'm gonna assume at least the beginning of if the boy is seven yeah, so we can assume that they she probably sleep with him the whole time right, so when she met, so we could just say when she met his daddy, she probably she probably had a. She probably got a father-son king or did she meet him first? This ain't the best man situation. Oh no, that wasn't the best man. What was that? The brothers? This ain't the brothers situation.
Speaker 1:Oh, I mean, we don't know what type of situation it is. It's a foul one, it's very foul, but I mean, so what would be your advice? Anyway, she, he wants to tell his son that his son, that his grandson is actually his son, and that his wife is actually his fiance.
Speaker 3:I think the only thing to do is to tell him the hard truth, and just to tell the truth. If this is real which I still don't believe this is real.
Speaker 1:If this is real, you have to tell him the truth tell him the the truth, right, yeah, because I mean seven years is a long time. Yeah, seven years is a long time. So I would agree you have to come clean and then, when you do, get as much distance as possible. I mean they're going to be moving to Yonkers. Apparently, yonkers is more accepting. I know nothing about Yonkers, new York.
Speaker 3:But they more accepting. I know nothing about Yonkers, new York, but they're moving from Alabama. Look here. All I know is, once the truth comes, if this is real, again you gotta keep referencing that If it is real. Once the truth comes out, this family will never be the same. Oh no, I highly doubt that your husband and his so-called father will ever have any type of relationship. Ever, Ever You're're, definitely you're a homewrecker dang.
Speaker 1:You built a home and wrecked it yourself. That's wild.
Speaker 3:That's a whole new talent, and when his dad is 60 and and and scribbled up move your hand out of your face, sorry when his dad is 60 and shriveled up. You're going to ruin Somebody else's home.
Speaker 1:That's tough.
Speaker 3:You might sleep with your son's father-in-law too. The way you go, guess you open for the public. Let's hope not.
Speaker 1:She open for the public Some people are for the streets. They are, but let's hope that by the time Her son is an adult, that she ain't doing stuff like that.
Speaker 3:It ain't a dush out there strong enough to keep her clean.
Speaker 1:Alright, guys, this has been another episode of the Laid Podcast. If you're not doing so already, you can follow us on all of our social media platforms.
Speaker 1:Life After I Do Podcast on TikTok, youtube, instagram. And don't forget to like, follow and share our Facebook page, the Life After I Do podcast. You can also write into the podcast at lifeafteridopodcast at gmailcom. You get a new episode every single Wednesday. Y'all know the drill. And new Hour, 2 Cents every Monday. So head on over to YouTube and give us a follow, give us a like, share. Do all of the things be social on social media, okay, and then until next week, guys, you know we will see you then peace booskies.
