Life After I Do Podcast
Marriage and relationships can be tough. You may feel like you’re the only one struggling but you’re not. Life After I do is a weekly podcast where Morice and Kynesha, a black married millennial couple, share their experiences and advice on everything from kids and family to intimacy and connection. Noting is off limits.
In their 21 years together and 7 years of marriage, Morice and Kynesha have learned a lot about what it takes to make a relationship work. They know the importance of communication, trust and commitment. They also know it’s okay to not have it all figured out.
Join them every Wednesday as they talk about their own journey of “Life After I do”.
Life After I Do Podcast
Discomfort
In this episode, we explore personal growth and self-awareness, tackling anxiety and embracing self-accountability. We discuss the challenges of setting family boundaries, the humor in flipping parental rules, and the importance of respecting personal choices while maintaining open communication. Join us for a heartfelt, laughter-filled conversation on family, marriage, and navigating the path to personal development.
We have to, as a people, we have to stop avoiding the discomfort.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You have to embrace the hard times just as well as you embrace the good times.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:Because when you embrace the hard times I know this sounds cliche, but when you embrace the hard times it makes the good times that much better.
Speaker 2:It does, and that's very cliche. It's very cliche, but it's also true. It's also true. It's also true. Hey, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Life After I Do Podcast with me, nisha G, and my husband, the one and the only, molito Molito.
Speaker 1:Molito.
Speaker 2:Molito Hola como estas.
Speaker 1:We're not doing that, oh I was trying to practice my.
Speaker 2:Spanish but whatever, I'm good. How are you? I'm good.
Speaker 1:My knees hurt.
Speaker 2:My knee hurts too.
Speaker 1:Just my knee not my knees, no, my knees hurt, I'm old.
Speaker 2:You're not old, you're 38. You're right, I'm seasoned.
Speaker 1:Nope, you're 38. I'm seasoned, you're right, I'm seasoned.
Speaker 2:Nope, you're 38.
Speaker 1:I'm seasoned.
Speaker 2:You're 38. I'm 30 great.
Speaker 1:People don't know how old I am. They think I'm 26.
Speaker 2:No one thinks you're 26. I promise no one thinks you're 26. You can look at me like that, all you like Diabolical. No one thinks you're 26.
Speaker 1:Diabolical hey Booskies. Hi how was your week, even though I know.
Speaker 2:How was it then? It was alright, you were dead. My week was good. It was good you were dead, it was good. I feel like I got a little bit.
Speaker 1:I see you back on here with this new lip again. You keep trying to test me. What do you mean? You think I won't do something to you on camera?
Speaker 2:I don't even know how to respond to that. No, are you referring to my lipstick?
Speaker 1:You're always trying to show up looking better than you did the week before. Oh wow, Thinking you won't be assaulted on public camera, oh wow.
Speaker 2:Well, I mean, I'm happy that you think I look better each week.
Speaker 1:Don't think that I won't cut the tape.
Speaker 2:Cut the tape. That was you today at the gym. Cut the tape.
Speaker 1:Cut the tape. I was tired. Cut the tape.
Speaker 2:Cut the tape Cut the tape.
Speaker 1:You, you look good though.
Speaker 2:Thank you. I'm actually getting a little bit of a head and neck pain right now.
Speaker 1:That's the 30 great.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's the 30 great.
Speaker 3:Coming through.
Speaker 2:It's like all right here Is it?
Speaker 1:It's all right where. Where is it at Right here? Okay, it's right here. It's where. Where is it? It's right here.
Speaker 2:Okay, but my week was good. Um cool, it was cool, it was good, I hit all my marks did you yeah, that huh, what marks were those? Making sure I went to the gym when I needed to and that was it.
Speaker 1:The bar was low.
Speaker 2:The bar was pretty low, so I mean the hey, actually it wasn't that low because I ended up having to go late on monday and when I tell you, I had every reason to turn back around. When I saw that it was a club eos up in there, I was like I could have easily been. Like you know what? I'm just gonna come back and then I just probably wouldn't have gone back.
Speaker 2:But then I was like you know what, listen, I never really wait that long, even when it's busy, I never really wait that long for a piece of equipment.
Speaker 1:So that's because you're being there with your titties out.
Speaker 2:No, just I wore them out for you today and you didn't say anything. I wore your favorite outfit today. Oh I, and you didn't say anything. I wore your favorite outfit today.
Speaker 1:Oh, I noticed, and you didn't say anything. Oh, I said a lot of things to myself.
Speaker 2:Oh Well, you should have told me because I was like man, I could have wore my olive green outfit today if he wasn't going to notice me. Olive juice. My olive green, one Olive juice. But I mean, if you're saying you noticed me today, then I mean, who could notice Dressed up fast in the gym? I wasn't dressed fast.
Speaker 1:I mean now that we know that your brother-in-law wouldn't approve.
Speaker 2:Why? Why wouldn't he approve? Did he say that? No, because our interactions oh, apparently my brother-in-law don't like too much PDA in the gym. I mean, I can understand him the way he was describing that couple, though I mean, come on, y'all don't be doing too much in the gym, don't be really trying to like create the facade of couples goals in the gym. Ain't no need to be rubbing all on each other and making out in between sessions and you ain ain't got to do all that Sometimes you got to get the A little smooch, maybe a little grab here and there.
Speaker 2:Like that's pretty much it. But you ain't got to be massaging shoulders while you doing a set.
Speaker 1:That's just the foreplay for the cardio after.
Speaker 2:Oh no, you can do that at home. Hater-ay, that's not hater-ay, that's annoying. Haterade, that's not haterade, that's annoying. But okay, like today, like how I gave you a very, very small, cute kiss. It was very demure, it was very respectful of those around us no, you were trying to mark territory I was not. There was nobody in there.
Speaker 1:There was nobody in there my week was cool, man I'm. I'm just realizing more each day that I ain't shit around here oh well, I'm not, that's odd I'm nobody's favorite you're my favorite lies.
Speaker 2:I'm ranked third on the total board well, that's because you make it very clear that you're not interested in much of anything that goes on around here, even when I participate y'all. Okay that you're not interested in much of anything that goes on around here, even when I participate y'all okay, because you're not really participating, because you want to, you're just like okay, like when you do prime example story time last night.
Speaker 2:You're gonna shit on me I'm not shitting on you, I'm just letting you know. I told your daughter I said daddy can read to you tonight, and you know what her response was. I'm good she was like no, he doesn't want to I never.
Speaker 1:That's literally what she said.
Speaker 2:She was like he doesn't want to I never said and I said you don't know that. I said ask him she's, and then she, and then she proceeds to say he's gonna say he has to lay down look here.
Speaker 1:She don't like when I was. She don't like when I read stories, because I get through the story maurice, I've listened to you do story time.
Speaker 2:You literally go in there Like you don't try to like work her up. You don't be like, okay, good night, babe, tuck her in, then sit down, take your time, take your time with the story. You go in there and you be like get in the bed, turn off the light and then you start reading the book and you read through it in like 30 seconds and then you just walk away and expect her to just be like alright, guess.
Speaker 1:I'm going to sleep. First of all, if her bedtime stories were more interesting, maybe I would put a little more effort into it. Boring ass stories.
Speaker 2:She has a gazillion billion books.
Speaker 1:And they all Disney books and they boring.
Speaker 2:They're not all Disney books. We were reading Harry Potter.
Speaker 1:Boring.
Speaker 2:Really, you like the movie. The books are more detailed, so how do you not like the books?
Speaker 1:I like looking at things.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, I like the dragon. Ergo why he feels like he's third on the totem pole. Guys, he does it to himself. No, I just realized that.
Speaker 1:I'm only good around here for when y'all need me to do something.
Speaker 2:That's not true.
Speaker 1:It is, it is Okay.
Speaker 2:Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, because that's not how we feel. We like always tell you we love you, appreciate you. She's always like running up to you, giving you hugs and kisses, telling you daddy ain't love me.
Speaker 1:That's cause I do it to her. That's cool, though. You know, the life of a man is a oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:You and your, me and my. What Nothing.
Speaker 1:Say it.
Speaker 2:I'm not going to say it. Say it no. Is that all with your week?
Speaker 1:I'm not going to let y'all get me down. You know what I'm saying?
Speaker 2:We, don't have to Apparently. You do enough of that for yourself.
Speaker 1:I am the best thing that happened to you guys ever.
Speaker 2:You know what? I'm not going to disagree with that.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:And I would also. I would also like to say vice versa.
Speaker 1:Okay, I feel like we, we have, we've done, we've done what together, Together, together, you know.
Speaker 2:And then we created our third will Okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's one thing. She is, that's one thing. She is a third will, yes, you?
Speaker 2:that's one thing. She is a third wheel. Yes, you got that part. You got extremely right. I was like we are not a thruple ma'am she believed there is daddy and I. This vendor is you.
Speaker 1:We are not a thruple yeah, so I mean, my week was uh mid, mid, I mean I'm losing weight, so I'm happy.
Speaker 2:Okay, that's good.
Speaker 1:So okay, losing weight. I I'm getting stronger, that's all I care about.
Speaker 2:Okay, Now what would have made your week top tier If?
Speaker 1:I won a lotto.
Speaker 2:Aside from that, Damel.
Speaker 1:Oh, if you won a lotto.
Speaker 1:And if I say, aside from that, if my brother or sister won the lotto, if somebody close to you won the lotto if somebody close to me that I know would break me off now what if it's like a high school friend? That ain't happening. I wouldn't ask for nothing. I wouldn't even ask for nothing what we got today. We're not, finna, do all this cause you now. My week was not bad, I'm, you know. I wouldn't even ask man what we got today, we're not going to do all this.
Speaker 1:Because you now, my week was not bad. Okay, I'm, you know, getting over my little sickness or whatever, but outside of that, you know, it is what it is.
Speaker 2:I'm happy that you're feeling better Now. If we could just get rid of this little cough.
Speaker 1:It is what it is. I'm only coughing because you're in my area, because what You're in my area, man, we're in your area. Yeah, man, you messing with my mold man.
Speaker 2:Okay, so I have a video reaction for you today.
Speaker 1:Why you do me like that, do you like what? Why you do like that, man Cut it out. Come on man Stop. Come on man Stop. I got something going on over here, man this is not.
Speaker 2:What was that movie I? Appreciate it what was the name of the movie?
Speaker 1:uh.
Speaker 2:Hustle and Flow. Hustle and Flow.
Speaker 1:I got something going on over here man now I want to watch it.
Speaker 2:Keep it down keep it down.
Speaker 1:Just for a spell, just for a spell just for a spell.
Speaker 2:Just for a spell, just for a spell, man.
Speaker 1:Just for a spell man.
Speaker 2:And then didn't he give him some weed or something?
Speaker 1:You know me, I never disrespect you or anything you got going on, man.
Speaker 2:And he gave him like some weed or something like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm tired of pimping these simple assholes.
Speaker 2:I don't think that was the line, babe. That was one of the lines in there, the simple yeah, you call them simple.
Speaker 1:I think you call them simple-minded.
Speaker 2:Okay, because I was going to say what's the difference between a simple hoe.
Speaker 1:I don't care. This is off-topic as hell.
Speaker 2:We haven't started the topic, so I think you're right.
Speaker 1:I don't know how we got here, but Terrence Howard's best role will forever be the best man.
Speaker 2:You were going to say that why. Especially the part where he was playing the guitar. I don't remember that part. I got to rewatch it.
Speaker 1:That will forever be.
Speaker 2:What happened during?
Speaker 1:the guitar scene, you know, when he was playing the guitar and took the guitar and got the ladies all hot and bothered. Oh yes, okay, I'm talking about the first movie, you don't?
Speaker 2:even play the card. Took a car, got the ladies all hot and bothered, oh oh, yes. Okay, I'm talking about the first movie, I'm talking about the second one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but that that would be forever be his best role the best man, the best man.
Speaker 2:I feel like I can re-watch those movies, except for the best man holiday but my best part about best man is when Taye got his ass kicked oh yeah, that was. That was kind of sad, though why was that your best part? Because he deserved it yeah, he deserved it, but it was still kind of sad he deserved it. He broke bro code is that what happens when you break bro code?
Speaker 1:you get your ass whooped.
Speaker 2:Oh, broke the code I guess I'll never know. I'm not a bro. I guess we'll never know, we'll never know, we'll never know okay um, but this reaction here is for you um, so you're not gonna react?
Speaker 1:I gotta, I'm reacting by myself I mean I thought I thought this was an open dialogue, but I really just wanted to I thought this was a marriage podcast. Now you hear oh, and this must be one of my episodes when you, you bought the point on your anger at me. Oh my gosh, I have literally never done that.
Speaker 2:You normally get one of my episodes where you bought the point on your anger at me.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, I have literally never done that. You normally get one of these off every four to seven episodes.
Speaker 2:If I knew you were in this headspace today, I would have chose a different day, because I don't know what's going on.
Speaker 1:Look here. I have been busy all day. I've been on the move constantly all day. Okay, All I ask of you is just to respect my time.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, you know what Get out of here Get out of here, just play the clip.
Speaker 1:All right, here we go Ready, because you know I get silly when I get done.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I know, come on All right man.
Speaker 3:I think a lot of men, me included. When I first started marriage I thought I could separate the two. I could be two different men. When I'm outside, I can move a certain way, then I come home and then I move a certain way, but I keep them separate from my business, from my social life, from all of that. And then I think that I thought I could juggle, I thought I could balance it. When, in reality, what happens outside or what happens in that business or what happens from your social life bleeds into the marriage, it's not something for me to just okay, I'm gonna throw some money at it and I'm gonna oversee it. Here and there you are a key part of that happening. That needs to become your new identity, like you have to find value in it. Going back to what we said, like as a man, like a lot of times we've been programmed to find value in pulling women. But I think once you become the man you need to be, your value changes.
Speaker 1:Now I got Hmm.
Speaker 2:Okay, so everything you do as a man bleeds into your marriage? Yeah, yeah, you agree. Yeah, I agree as well oh god, tell me why no, I was just saying because when I heard it I know that I've seen you try to keep your hats in different compartments, like you have your work hat right and you think that when you are off of work that's not hold on first of all where you going where am I going?
Speaker 1:that you? You ain't explaining it right. I still have my hats. Okay, you tell me, go on I have all my hats, I know, but I'm married with every hat I put on.
Speaker 2:I know that.
Speaker 1:So work. Maurice is married.
Speaker 2:Obviously.
Speaker 1:Podcast Maurice is clearly married. Obviously, father Maurice is married.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:You know what I'm saying? Yes, Husband Maurice is. He's married because he's a husband.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I am married with every head I put on Understandable. I have embraced this and I think I agree with what he's saying. But it didn't take me long to figure this out because I feel like, for me personally, marriage is something that I've always wanted, so I was ready from the start to assimilate into this lifestyle. Okay, because I will my anybody who know me knows I will my wife your ass to death oh my, gosh like a newlywed my wife like a newlywed.
Speaker 1:My wife got that cup oh, my wife like that color too. No, my wife don't. That's for them. I think my wife watched that show. You know what? Let me ask my wife bye. You know, my wife was saying something about that the other day. You know what you know. Now look here, my wife got something similar like oh my gosh you will my wife your ass to death.
Speaker 2:I get that, but I think so from my understanding, like what he was trying to say and what I was saying from my perspective.
Speaker 1:Go ahead.
Speaker 2:I've seen where, when you go to work, for instance, example, right, and you try to turn off the work, to come home, to now be husband, father, right. But the dealings, but the dealings that you had at work still spill over, because it has affected you somehow.
Speaker 2:So, so, for instance, um, if you've had a bad day at work, there's been plenty of times where you've come home and I will say how was your day at work, babe? And your response would be I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it, it's work, Right.
Speaker 1:But say something to cheer me up but.
Speaker 2:I can clearly see that your attitude is affected. Therefore, if you're thinking you left the problem at work, but you, now you've come home, you still brought it home, you still brought it to me. You still brought it to our relationship.
Speaker 1:Okay, right because it's part of me okay, but that's but my thing is, I changed the head of the door because I don't want it to completely infect you yeah, but it already does no, not, not completely it does, because if you're, if your attitude is altered which nine times out of ten it is my husband is one of those people.
Speaker 2:If he is annoyed, upset, bothered, anything, I'm going to tell you, even if he doesn't tell you, you will know. No, I'm going to tell you, and it's not going to be one of those things where you think that you can just close it off and then come home and be happy-go-lucky. You wear it on your face, you wear it in the way you move. So it's not like you can compartmentalize. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. Compartmentalize, right. My face can't hide it, right.
Speaker 1:So, from my understanding, and I know that, no matter how much, I try to not let that hinder me, but I also am mindful to not let that affect how I react to things, because of what I, what I attempt to do I was going to say a valid effort. What I, what I attempt to do is to not let that affect my responses and my interaction with you guys.
Speaker 1:You try I try, and a lot of times when I say it's not good, let's talk about something else, then you know you do your typical woman thing. Where you want to, you know you something else, then you know you do your typical woman thing where you want to.
Speaker 2:you know, you got to keep nudging at it. I don't keep nudging, I know. No, no, I don't keep nudging. But here's the thing, though. Hold on, I'm talking.
Speaker 1:You keep picking at it like a scab.
Speaker 2:No, I don't, let's see if you can see what's going on. No, I don't, but if you're, but here's the thing. If your attitude is altered and it's changing the interaction you're having with me and you still want to interact with me, then I think we probably need to discuss it Because, again, going back to like I said, like how you say you make a valid effort, right, but the result is not always what you think is happening.
Speaker 1:thing is, in those moments you can change my whole mental and I try to and but you try I try, but there is a way where you can for sure okay, maurice maurice, take them titties out because I'm trying to see them.
Speaker 1:You, if I see titties, I'm not thinking about what just happened, because I'm thinking about them. Titties, you know what I'm saying? My goodness, I'm just saying you got the playbook on your chest. That's all I'm saying, but I don't. But what he was talking about is I think he was trying to say that he was trying to move. He was. He wasn't talking about bringing home your. You're also talking about bringing home the stress of me working or stress from me dealing with y'all's life. I think what he was mentioning is that a lot of people try to move differently in different circles. Where I don't move differently, I move.
Speaker 2:Okay, I can understand that I move the same Right In all your circles.
Speaker 1:Me. Being a husband and a father is a part of who I am, no matter who I am around. Correct there is no version of Maurice that acts like he's not married and doesn't have a child at home.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:I carry you guys with me, and not only in my heart but in my personality, wherever I go.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:So that's why I say, for that part, I understand, because this is the lifestyle that I wanted. This is the lifestyle that I look forward to. Growing up, I wanted to be a husband, I wanted to be a father, I wanted to carry the load of a family right. So that part I do agree with what he was saying. I do feel like most people try to wear different hats and try to juggle things and be certain people in certain environments. I do agree with that and I do think that it takes time for you to learn that.
Speaker 1:No, you have to, you have to carry, especially when you're a husband, when you're a father. You have to carry that with you at all times, because you, being a husband and a father, should dictate your decisions in a major way, because no matter what you do or what you decide, it's going to have some impact on your family unit. So you have to have that mentality about yourself when you're moving, because, because your character you know your character is something that you can adjust on the fly. Your character is who you are, no matter what Right. Your character is you, it's your personality, it's your beliefs, it's your morals all in one, and I feel like once you accept that, you'll start to move the same way in every circle, because you are who you are.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, okay, I feel that I can get with that G, can you? I think I can get with that.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:I think that's copacetic.
Speaker 1:Not copacetic.
Speaker 2:I think that's copacetic. Well answered. I have another reaction for you, though. Why me, why you not reacting nothing? I mean, I react to open dialogue you ain't see this.
Speaker 1:I'm so tired of carrying the weight on this podcast. I'm so tired of caring.
Speaker 2:Oh, my gosh really.
Speaker 4:Oh my god, anyway, here we go so what I believe is the most toxic trait today is wanting to be felt, heard and seen Right. And it's not because we don't deserve to be understood, but because this relentless need for what it is, which is external validation, I just feel like it's eroding our sense of resilience. They should not just feel like it's eroding our sense of resilience Every time something feels uncomfortable is labeled as a threat to our mental health. Not every uncomfortable moment is trauma and not every difficult situation is harmful to your nervous system. Our inability to distinguish between genuine threats and opportunities for growth is what was actually dysregulating us, if you ask me the overuse of terms like mental health and nervous system regulation. It's created a culture where discomfort is demonized and we're losing the ability to thrive. In some cases, some people are just losing the ability to just cope. This is why I speak so much about capacity, because it's rooted in developing us as adults to be able to handle the modern day world as it is, not as we wish it to be.
Speaker 1:She was speaking facts.
Speaker 2:Okay, so she was speaking facts Right. So for me I feel like it's a little twofold. I do agree.
Speaker 1:You got a lot to say about this.
Speaker 2:I don't have a lot to say. I'm just saying. I do agree to some extent that the more we talk about and use terms such as trauma or stress, Narcissist. Or narcissism, things like that.
Speaker 1:Gaslighting.
Speaker 2:Gaslighting. Yes, People start using it as like a blanket excuse for a multitude of things Right.
Speaker 1:For they fucked up behavior.
Speaker 2:That Right or to justify somebody else's behavior. Not to say that those things couldn't apply, because they very much can, but I do think people use them as like blanket terms to cover a multitude of things.
Speaker 1:Do you think that people try to force them to apply so they can feel like they're validated in their feelings?
Speaker 2:Yes, to some extent. But here's the thing I also feel as though people who can't communicate what it is they're feeling or experiencing and they hear these terms or hear about another person's behavior as someone who gaslights or someone who's a narcissist, then they also have a term to apply to something that they've experienced or they've heard.
Speaker 2:They just didn't know how to communicate that Right. So I don't. I don't want to say that all of it is just a bunch of malarkey malarkey. I don't want to say that all of it is a bunch of malarkey because I don't want to be dismissive of people's. You know traumas and issues and stuff like that, but I do think that it is spoken about so much and in such a blanketed way that we now use it as an excuse excuse me as to why we can't cope or work through things, or when something gets hard, we have to automatically relate it back to our childhood, or we automatically have to relate it back to a situation where we automatically have to relate it back to a situation where somebody gaslit us or it's sometimes, you know, like there has to be a tie to it.
Speaker 2:Sometimes you're just having a bad period in your life and it is directly related to the choices that you have made. What's who you preaching now? Goodbye, and and a lot of people will say, well, your decision making skills. That can also be tied back to your childhood. Ok, all of it can be tied back to your childhood. But as adults and the more you gain awareness, it is your responsibility to be aware of those things and to try to renavigate your life. We can't just throw blanket terminologies over everything and call it trauma, or call it a stress trigger, or you, you know you're gaslighting me, or anything like that.
Speaker 1:That's all I'm saying you said that you didn't want to be what to people's feelings insensitive.
Speaker 2:No, what was?
Speaker 1:that I think started with a d I don't know dismissive. Yes, I am dismissive, I am now I am dismissive yes, whatever the world were us, I am dismissive. Dismissive of people because I feel like. I feel like we are now in a day and age, in a culture, where, like she was saying once, someone is uncomfortable, they're looking for reasons to validate why they're uncomfortable. Right, instead of instead of looking inward yeah, asking them what about this situation?
Speaker 2:is making me uncomfortable, and and then trying to address it.
Speaker 1:I feel like we live in a time and where everyone is trying to point the finger everywhere, but inside, Okay.
Speaker 2:And everyone is gaslighting me, everyone is manipulating me, everyone is not being sensitive to my needs or my feelings or what I'm going through and not to say that that's not happening, because, let's be very clear, it does happen, it does happen, it does happen, it does happen. Not dismissing that.
Speaker 1:It does happen, and it could be happening to some degree, right, but at the core of that, why are you allowing external factors to contribute so much to?
Speaker 2:your internal belief.
Speaker 1:So you have to ask yourself why am I deciding to let this affect me? Right? And I think a lot of times, when people really answer that question, it's because they don't want to deal with the discomfort of dealing with their own demons.
Speaker 2:Right, which is, which is essentially learning to cope, and that's what she was saying, like I said we're we're pretty much.
Speaker 2:we're pretty much we're not exercising the skills that we need to learn how to cope in situations where we feel like we're either being attacked or we feel like someone is, you know, not on our side or against us, or whatever the situation may be, we're so quick to throw a blanket terminology or term on top of it to justify what's happening that it's causing us not to develop the muscle of knowing how to cope with it. So, like you said, if you're in a situation that is, you know, uncomfortable, what about the situation is making you uncomfortable? You can identify what about the situation is making you uncomfortable. Now, what type of skills or whatever, what else can we do for ourselves to get past that or to work through it? Not necessarily get past it, Like you know, because there's people who have real anxieties, like and I and.
Speaker 2:I've always told you, I never really my, I have a, my my sister suffers from anxiety and she would have, she would have, panic attacks, right. And we never understood, like for the life of me, I never understood how like a panic attack worked or how an anxiety attack worked, until it happened to me. And when it happened to me, I was like oh no, this is real. Like it's real, you know. But I didn't. I never experienced that. But it wasn't until I experienced it where it's like oh no, like that's a real thing, feeling like I'm about to fall off of a cliff every second of the day, that's a real thing. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:But at the same time I I was like okay, well, I need to like figure out this, figure out why yeah mitigate this somehow and figure out why this is happening to me, and figuring out why it's just all of a sudden happening to me now. I never experienced anxiety. I never experienced panic attacks or anything like that. I don't have a fear of public speaking. I don't have a fear of being in large groups. I don't like. None of that stuff ever happened to me, you know, and it's like I've always prided myself on being the person who can be outspoken and not afraid to say the things that I need to say. And then it's like, then I experienced something like anxiety and I was like Ooh, ooh, ooh, oh, hold on, wait a minute.
Speaker 1:Wait a minute. Wait a minute, hold up.
Speaker 2:You know, but immediately for me personally, I was how do I mitigate this? What, what about the situation like caused me to feel this way, and then let's start finding ways for me to essentially cope with it.
Speaker 1:I look here. I agree with what you say, right, and I don't want people to think I'm insensitive to people's situations because I am, but you are insensitive. I mean. I mean that I'm not, I'm not. I'm sorry, I'm not. I'm not insensitive to your situation. What I become insensitive to is when you're using your situation as a crutch.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and you're looking for the outside validation.
Speaker 1:You're looking for outside validation. You're looking for someone to throw wood on your pitifier. Yeah, that I'm not a fan of, because I feel like, at the end of the day, you need to take the steps to work through your problem. Yeah, right, and I saw this clip. I don't know if it was like a same lady or maybe a different lady it was. She was a therapist, right, and she basically said my thought my job as a therapist should be is to give you the tools right to navigate your life.
Speaker 1:This should not require me to see you for the rest of your life right right so, but I do think that you have people who, even when they take the step to go to therapy right now, they just they, they swap out one crutch for another oh yeah yeah like.
Speaker 2:You start going to therapy now. You're addicted to therapy now. You can't function without therapy.
Speaker 1:It's like an addict right. They replace one addiction with the other right, yeah. And so, especially you know you have some therapists out there that will just feed into you what you want, so that you are a repeat customer right.
Speaker 2:Because not every Well, that's terrible, right.
Speaker 1:Well, it's true, because not every therapist has the mindset I'm going to work Like I'm trying to help you.
Speaker 2:Help you right yeah.
Speaker 1:So, and I feel like it's a lot easier for people to get trapped in that because what doesn't sound good about somebody validating everything you're saying and telling you you're not crazy, you're not wrong, even a situation where, when you look at it objectively, you know that you may have been wrong and you may have. You may have possibly could have handled it different, right.
Speaker 2:So this is your brain. Is going to try to justify your brain.
Speaker 1:And that's the thing your brain is always going to try to justify your, your, your actions. Always going to try to justify your actions and I always see it as a red flag is that when you have someone who constantly blames the world or someone else for their problems or for why things are happening to them, to me that's a person that lacks taking self-accountability Right, because, like I always say, regardless of whether the outcome is good or bad, you influence that outcome in some way. Yeah, so you have to take responsibility for your role.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I do believe we live in a society now in which people are not comfortable with accepting accountability, yeah Right, and they would rather embrace the discomfort and then apply a label to that to justify why they shouldn't be discomfort, because now someone else is triggering me.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:You're gaslighting, right, you're not, you're not being sensitive to my needs or my feelings, right, right. And a lot of times, like we say, especially in relationships, a lot of times like we say, especially in relationships, right, a lot of times, especially in I was going to say this a lot of times, especially in relationships, right, how you feel is valid to you.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But that does not mean that that's not what's actually going on.
Speaker 2:It doesn't mean that that's fact.
Speaker 1:It doesn't mean that you're because your feelings are not law. Your feelings are what you are perceiving. Yeah, what you perceiving, yeah what you're and what you could be internalizing, right, but that doesn't mean that's a that's a fact. It's a fact that doesn't mean that that's what's actually going on? Yeah, right, and if you can't, uh, come outside of yourself and ask yourself the tough questions of is it possible that I am mentally skewing this situation so that I'm the victim, or, though, so that I'm the one in the in the?
Speaker 2:I'm the one being wrong.
Speaker 1:Yeah, wrong being wrong. Yeah, if you can't get out of that, you're always going to be in this in this cycle state of being a victim. This, this cycle of always feeling like everyone's against you, no one understands you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, why does everyone supports you?
Speaker 1:you would start to grow and understand that it's in those moments of discomfort yeah, that once you embrace them and you break it down, that you actually start to grow.
Speaker 2:And you learn things about yourself. And here's the thing it's like it's it's so much easier said than done. Right? Because putting all of what you just said into practice I always think about during like a heated argument. Oh, it's hard Like a super heated argument because in a heated argument or a disagreement, I know I'm right, like I know I'm not saying I'm completely right, but I'm saying the points that I'm trying to make, I know they make sense At that time.
Speaker 2:They coincide, they align Right. And when we're in that heated disagreement and your response isn't aligning to what I have told myself is the truth, it is hard sometimes, I know, to be like okay, I know, I live with you, I know, let me reassess the situation to see if we can get down to the nitty-gritty.
Speaker 1:Okay, I will say this I will say this I do believe the toot our horn here the what the toot our horn? Oh, okay I do believe that we've done a good job of establishing the fact of we may spew our words at each other, but then we break.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And then we both kind of dwell.
Speaker 2:We have our attitudes separately.
Speaker 1:Separately. We both kind of dwell on what happened and then we come back and then we get clarification and justification and then we actually work it out.
Speaker 2:Yes, and that took a lot of time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it took took a lot of growth and it doesn't happen all the time oh no, it don't, because sometimes she just flat out wrong no, no, yeah, y'all already.
Speaker 2:How saw how he showcased himself as um, as a victim, earlier. Are you talking about the third place? Third place, nobody needs me around here nobody that's his perception no, I don't, I didn't.
Speaker 1:I didn't say they didn't love me. I said they didn't, they don't need me. I'm just saying they love me, just saying y'all.
Speaker 2:But I don't, I don't, they don't love me we don't love you what for the reasons I want them to love what you, what you want us to love you for we love you unconditionally.
Speaker 1:We're talking about the reaction oh my gosh so what I've learned now I'm gonna talk about personally. Now, what I've learned is that, especially over this last eight, nine months, or whatever the case may be of me actually doing the work on myself, I've learned In your therapy bag.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I've learned that it's in my discomfort that I experience me the most. And once I experience me, I can now then see how my words and actions are being received, because now I'm actually seeing in myself what I'm doing, I'm hearing what I'm saying, because I'm being reflective on my actions and my words and I go damn well, I did say that kind of rough.
Speaker 2:That does shut up.
Speaker 1:That does sound like. That does sound like that it could be taken this way, right.
Speaker 2:I've been send it for free.
Speaker 1:He went and paid for it for, oh my, god, you always want credit for, said you didn't do anyway. Um, but in in, in this time, in this journey, and me, me learning to regulate my emotions, me learning to express to you, hey, babe, babe, I'm overwhelmed, babe, I'm angry.
Speaker 1:I will say I'm proud of you for that, babe, like right now ain't the time, because you're not going to get the version of me that you're expecting. Yeah, like that growth that I've received or that I've received over this time, I feel like has been the best part of our marriage, because I feel like we are now communicating on levels in which we've never communicated before and which has made things a lot better for us and it's allowed me to shift my mentality and my direction in a positive way, not only for me, but but for our marriage, for my fatherhood journey. Everything has been, it has been, has been a positive, but I say all that to say once again, as I like, like you said, it's the discomfort that people have a problem with, and well, nobody wants to be no one Right.
Speaker 1:No, no one wants to be uncomfortable and, as I have learned, as therapy has taught me, is the discomfort that really lets you see, once you sit in it and really evaluate what's going on. It really lets you see who you are and what role you have in the discomfort. Right, and that's your growth, right, that's where the growth is, Because a lot of times I had to be honest with myself and say I am my biggest enemy. I am the one holding myself back. I am letting my emotions take control when they shouldn't.
Speaker 2:Your thoughts rule.
Speaker 1:I am not being open and honest with my wife on a level of, with my levels of communication, to actually explain to her in detail how I'm feeling and what's going on so she knows that my actions are. She's not. You know. You're not guessing why I'm saying these things or guessing why I'm doing these things. You know exactly where my headspace is at and I feel like, once people get you know, start that journey, because I do, I agree and I agree, and I am one of those people who believe that everyone heals on their own time.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But once you're strong enough to start the healing process, you will be better for it. So I would just tell people that the discomfort is actually going to make you a better person. That's where the growth is, and it's like it's no different from in the gym. When you go to the gym and you work out, you're going to be sore the next day.
Speaker 2:Or you're going to be. You're uncomfortable when you first start going. You're uncomfortable. You're uncomfortable. It's a new environment, there's people who are already in shape and you're like trying to get there For the longest time. Because you brought up the gym for the longest time. I always wore like just regular big t-shirts right and I know, like for me I'll be, I'll be in there in my bra now I'll be like yeah, titties be out everywhere you gonna.
Speaker 2:You gonna get these rolls and boobs okay, because I'm comfortable in it and I still look cute.
Speaker 1:So but yeah the growth is in the discomfort the growth is in the discomfort and we have to, as a people, we have to stop avoiding the discomfort yeah you have to, you have to. You have to embrace the hard times just as well as you embrace the good time yep because when you embrace the hard times, I know this sounds cliche, but when you embrace the good time, yep. Because when you embrace the hard times, I know this sounds cliche, but when you embrace the hard times, it makes the good times that much better.
Speaker 2:It does, and that's very cliche. It's very cliche, but it's also.
Speaker 1:It's also true, it's also true, but 2020, the second half of 2024, my was in a therapy bag pretty deep. I've been growing people. He's been growing people. He's been growing and getting smaller at the same time. Stop hating, stop hating. How am I hating? My wife said she's gonna leave me off. I got too small and she mad that I won't wear five inch uh, five inch inseam shorts.
Speaker 2:I said you could do eight inch inseams that's I'm. Just wear some shorts.
Speaker 1:I wear shorts 13 inches.
Speaker 2:I just want to see you in some daddy shorts. It's not too much to ask.
Speaker 1:I'm done.
Speaker 2:Good discussion, babe, Good discussion. She wild y'all. I don't know how, but okay, she wild yeah man. All right guys.
Speaker 1:So we're going to be moving.
Speaker 2:Be comfortable in the discomfort. Yeah, and stop slapping trauma labels on everything.
Speaker 1:And be who you are, no matter where you are.
Speaker 2:I'm going to put that on the shirt.
Speaker 1:I want my royalties.
Speaker 2:All right, guys, let's head over into our two cents.
Speaker 1:Our two cents whack okay, you ready?
Speaker 2:no, but let's get it all right. Am I the asshole for telling my mom she can't share a room or a bed with her boyfriend in my home? Not at all. This was my type of story.
Speaker 2:When I, a 27-year-old female, was in college, I met my boyfriend and we moved in together, sharing a place with some friends, after dating for a year. I was 19 when we met and 20 when we moved in together. We decided from that point onward to take turns spending Christmas with our families, but the first year we were supposed to see mine, my mom made it clear my boyfriend could not stay and we weren't sharing a room or a bed in her house. My dad argued in favor of letting it happen, since I was an adult and living with him already, but my mom said no, she hated that I wouldn't stay at their house and then instead we then instead booked an Airbnb. She said that I should respect the rules of her house and I told her I was was, but that I didn't want my boy. I didn't want to tell my boyfriend and for him to be alone on the holidays, and especially when his family had welcomed us together so happily. After that, I made it clear that there would be no coming to visit like that if I couldn't sleep with my boyfriend. My mom said it wasn't like we were married, so she had every right to rule that way.
Speaker 2:Two years ago my dad died and for 11 months my mom has been in a relationship with her boyfriend. They don't live together exactly, but according to my brother he was there most of the nights while my brother was also there. My mom and brother aren't really talking now. My brother could hear my mom and her boyfriend in the bed and he hated it so much that he moved out. He's also 22 and had wanted to, but it gave him a push to do so. My mom was furious and demanded to know why he was leaving out of nowhere and she freaked when my brother told her that he was tired of hearing them. It started my mom off on him not being happy for her that she found someone again after my dad died.
Speaker 2:My mom seems to be missing my brother being around and she told me that she misses having her kids around her. So she wanted to visit for a week or so soon. She wanted to bring her boyfriend along and I told her that she cannot share a room or a bed with him in my home. I told her I do not want to hear that. She got mad at me and said that she's a grown woman and that she should be allowed her freedoms. I told her she was all right denying it to me and I wasn't even planning to have sex in her house, but it sounded like she didn't care if we were, if we hear. It sounds like she did it, that she doesn't care if we hear or not and I'm not dealing with it. I also told her that I wasn't going to reward her with sharing with her boyfriend when she had been so strict with me about it. My mom accused me of acting like a petty child. Am I the asshole?
Speaker 1:It ain't fun when the rabbit got the gun. Are you petty Hell? Yes.
Speaker 2:Really.
Speaker 1:Yes, she is no, because she's.
Speaker 2:She's purposely doing that, yeah, yeah am I for it yes, I am yes because, because I know the mom made the comment also somewhere when you have your own place, you can make your own rules.
Speaker 1:It comes a time in every child's life, and I know my, our daughters are going to be the same way oh, you can't wait it comes a time where there are certain phrases you can't wait to tell you back to your parents my goddamn lights off. Close my refrigerator. Either you're gonna be in or you're gonna be out, close my door you you running up my light bill, you using up all my hot water. How much food you gonna eat? I know you ain't still hungry.
Speaker 2:I said that one to my mom. You can't possibly still be hungry. Who done drunk?
Speaker 1:all my juice. There are a list of phrases. As kids, you cannot wait.
Speaker 2:Even if you don't upheld them, you still can't wait to say it, and somebody tell mama that when you were 19, you grown Right.
Speaker 1:You was 20 at the time when you tried to bring your boyfriend. You was grown then.
Speaker 2:That's what she was saying. I was an adult.
Speaker 1:So if you're grown, go cancel out her. Grown because it wasn't a factor when you try to bring your boyfriend on.
Speaker 2:But, mom, is like I'm 50 something, it don't matter, you were 20. Go break your-. You were still a child.
Speaker 1:Go break your hip at the holiday inn. Don't do it here. I don't want to hear you.
Speaker 2:But I also think that's kind of crazy that she would even ask can her boyfriend come though? Diabolical like he would probably be like nah, babe, we're not gonna stay at your daughter's house, we're just gonna go get a room look here. You said, you want because that would be diabolical for you to be up in your child's house getting it on like that I plan on doing it that's no, you don't mean you know, no, I don't.
Speaker 1:No, I don't I'm gonna drug you, no, I don't. Um, mama said she want to spend time with her kids, so I don't see why the boyfriend got to come anyway. So are you trying to get some friends? But they don't live together.
Speaker 2:But the brother said it's basically like they have been living together Because he's there every night.
Speaker 1:Every night Because the brother had to go.
Speaker 2:He said listen, because I can't keep listening to this.
Speaker 1:I can't do it. I can't do it.
Speaker 2:I'm a 22 year old man. I'm not finna sit here listening to my mama back, get blown out every night I was gonna say old boy was breaking mama off that's so disturbing listening to your parents oh, mama was in there getting dug out. That's how you get scarred.
Speaker 1:Nobody wants to hear that, nobody wants to hear that you went through that. Huh, oh, it's okay, babe, now you can scar your daughter, I'm still scarred you still scarred.
Speaker 2:I'm still scarred. How could you do that to me, mom? You knew I wasn't asleep it don't.
Speaker 1:It don't even affect me.
Speaker 2:I mean, I get it, you get it they won't get off too they can do it when they're alone.
Speaker 1:Anyone who has experienced an orgasm understands.
Speaker 2:That you can wait till you're alone the mission to get back to the orgasm.
Speaker 1:We're on a mission.
Speaker 4:We're on a mission, oh gosh.
Speaker 1:But ma'am you petty.
Speaker 2:So is she the asshole?
Speaker 1:I don't think she's the asshole, but I think she's being she is petty, petty petty, but I am for it. I'm here for it.
Speaker 2:I'm here for it too, I'm here for all of it.
Speaker 1:Look here. Look, tell mama to get her an Airbnb and that she can come over for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Speaker 2:Oh gosh.
Speaker 1:But tell her that. Tell her that her and her boyfriend can't even be in the same room by themselves uh, uh, now you doing too much you gotta start implementing all the rules they try to force on us. No, leave that door open, that's wild and make sure that don't turn that TV too loud, cause what you in there doing.
Speaker 2:I have had to say that a couple of times. When my mom has stayed the night, I'm like can you turn that TV down? Why is that TV so loud? What, she stayed the night here. The TV be loud. I text her and be like ma'am, that TV is way too loud.
Speaker 1:I need you to turn it down. It's not that the TV is loud, it's that our bedroom is right over the living room that the TV is loud is that our bedroom is right over the living room and then our it's the bass and the speaker.
Speaker 2:I don't know what it is. I know it'd be loud when I hear do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
Speaker 1:It's the bass and the speaker.
Speaker 2:And that's my favorite theme song.
Speaker 1:Anyway, Look what's her name.
Speaker 2:Did she say her name? No, she didn say her name. But you are my hero, oh my gosh. But yeah, you are, you kind of the asshole.
Speaker 4:No, you're not. No, you're not. No, she not your mama will understand.
Speaker 1:No, look here. Every house got their own set of rules, and if your mama can't abide by your rules, she don't need to be in your house. I said it.
Speaker 2:This has been another episode.
Speaker 1:I tell my mom the same thing Look here, if you can't abide by the rules, you got to go.
Speaker 2:This has been another episode. You got to and I tell her mama too, of Life After I Do podcast.
Speaker 1:If you can't listen to the rules, you got to go. If you're not listen to the rules, you got to go. Facebook Instagram.
Speaker 2:TikTok Okay. Youtube, you get a new episode every Wednesday. You can also write into the podcast at lifeafteridopodcastgmailcom. Don't forget to like, share, repost. All of the fun stuff, guys.
Speaker 1:And if you go to the gym with my wife, you'll see her titties every day oh my gosh, you know. I don't know what to say. You said titties out, roll out no, I didn't.
Speaker 2:That's what you said. Until next week, guys. Peace booskies, peace booskies. You're gonna follow these damn rules though.
