Life After I Do Podcast
Marriage and relationships can be tough. You may feel like you’re the only one struggling but you’re not. Life After I do is a weekly podcast where Morice and Kynesha, a black married millennial couple, share their experiences and advice on everything from kids and family to intimacy and connection. Noting is off limits.
In their 21 years together and 7 years of marriage, Morice and Kynesha have learned a lot about what it takes to make a relationship work. They know the importance of communication, trust and commitment. They also know it’s okay to not have it all figured out.
Join them every Wednesday as they talk about their own journey of “Life After I do”.
Life After I Do Podcast
Soulmates
This episode unpacks the mythology of soulmates and delves into the realities of building meaningful relationships. We discuss how understanding yourself and being complete as an individual is crucial before seeking a partner. Discover the power of friendships, the impact of societal expectations, and the role of open communication in resolving conflicts and fostering connection. Join us as we challenge traditional ideas and offer insights for creating fulfilling, authentic relationships.
people who have great relationships like that are really great connections. It's the, it's the friendship foundation that starts. I, I, I see that as like a a trending thing Couples who had a solid friendship and were like just cool as hell that transitioned into something more serious. I see that they have more of like that connection, that longevity. It's like you look at them and you're like it looks fun. Yeah, it looks fun to be to be in a relationship like that they like they get each other.
Speaker 1:yes, hey everybody, and welcome back to another episode, another week of Life After I Do Podcast With me, your host, hostess for the mostess, ho for the most. That's rude. You, my ho. I'm Nisha G. I'm Kynesha.
Speaker 2:My ho. And I'm here with Marie's dad, You're here with her ho.
Speaker 1:Malito, I'm here with him. That's all right. I'm here with him today.
Speaker 2:We hoes. All right, I'm here with him today.
Speaker 1:We hoes to each other. That's fine.
Speaker 2:Okay, it came with the tea set.
Speaker 1:Right, we are a tea set, guys, don't forget.
Speaker 2:Don't forget.
Speaker 1:Hey babe, hey Booski, Another week, yeah, another week. How you doing, I'm doing better.
Speaker 2:Because, I ain't sick, you're going to be acting different, huh. Because I ain't sick, no more, and I'm going to be acting different.
Speaker 1:I ain't sick, no more.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:I have been sick since last Thursday. It took me out.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:It was a little, took me out, I was mad that I was sick.
Speaker 2:I was disappointed. I couldn't go to the gym, I couldn't get my steps in.
Speaker 1:Honestly, you were technically only sick like two days Two and a half days, two and a half days, yeah, it was enough to apparently cause dehydration.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was dehydrated.
Speaker 1:But yeah, I'm happy you're feeling better. So now that you're feeling better, my sinuses are back on their kick again, so but I'm happy you're feeling great.
Speaker 2:Your sinuses spit hot fire. Yeah, I feel great.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I feel really good too.
Speaker 2:Back in Virginia these last couple of days. You know I'm down some weight. I'm acting different.
Speaker 1:He's been flirting with his new waistline. I'm down some weight, I'm acting different.
Speaker 2:He's been flirting with his new waistline. Don't don't be, I ain't been flirting like that they don't think I'm out here flirting with people. I ain't been flirting like that.
Speaker 1:I'm just saying we was at the gas station.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh my God.
Speaker 1:We were at the gas station guys and he was sitting there trying to assist another woman with how to pump her gas and when I mentioned it to him, when he got in the car I was like oh, look at you flirting with your new waistline. He was like she just needed a little help. And it wasn't just her, they were a couple.
Speaker 2:Her and her husband and I was talking to them and I was like, okay, is there a reason why?
Speaker 1:he don't know how to pump gas.
Speaker 2:First of all, I was talking to the couple.
Speaker 1:It was their first time getting gas digitally digitally on their phone they're just putting the card in. Yeah, they should have figured that out before they pulled up to the pub.
Speaker 2:I was talking to you. Act like I was talking to her. I was talking to the couple.
Speaker 1:I didn't see a guy. I'm just taking his word for it.
Speaker 2:I didn't see a guy, so but outside of, outside of this is coming from the person who walked across the gym to talk to us first of all, I did not walk across the gym to talk to him.
Speaker 1:I did not. I did not. He was mouthing something to me I couldn't hear him.
Speaker 2:I didn't know that he was mouthing to you.
Speaker 1:I couldn't hear what he was saying. He could have been telling me the building was on fire and he wanted to warn me, and only me. How was I supposed to know?
Speaker 2:Okay, well, what we got today, because I ain't got the patience for this bullshit that you bought the sprout right now I'm just saying he's gonna tell only you you don't?
Speaker 1:he was probably trying listen, he was probably trying to warn only me, because I'm the only one in the gym he likes look here rihanna okay um, I'm not calling you rihanna, I'm talking to oh, I know you're not calling me rihanna, I'm talking to the actual oh.
Speaker 2:I know you're not calling me Rihanna. I'm talking to the actual Rihanna. Okay, we will be purchasing no more of your products.
Speaker 1:Why my Fenty workout outfits?
Speaker 2:You will not be buying any more of these.
Speaker 1:Apparently he thinks it draws a little too much attention when I work out in my Fenty.
Speaker 2:She want to be at home.
Speaker 1:What Got her whole vagina out in the gym? Oh my gosh, that is not true. I wear I wear a sports bra and leggings like everybody else. Do you? Yes, I do.
Speaker 2:Now I can't, I can't help.
Speaker 1:I can't help the way these lines are cut on these pants Okay, I can't help where they chose to place the seams on these pants nowadays Okay, I can't help that.
Speaker 2:Anyway, I can't. The highlight of my week would have been Saturday, if she wouldn't act such a damn fool afterwards.
Speaker 1:Saturday you mean Sunday Sunday. Sunday Sunday. But you have to give her a little fool afterwards.
Speaker 2:Saturday you mean Sunday, sunday, sunday.
Speaker 1:Sunday, but you have to give her a little leeway. So this past Sunday baby girl had her first gymnastics competition ever.
Speaker 1:In the middle of the goddamn playoffs, her first, her first like real competition, statewide, invitational and she didn't. She really didn't know what to expect, even though we've had conversations for a year as to what to expect. Now, before doing actual like invitational and meets, they always do mock meets at their gym, right? So she's used to competition where it's at the gym. It's with the gymnast that she sees, you know, four times a week, like that's what she's used to.
Speaker 2:I think in her mind she go I know I'm better than these people.
Speaker 1:Well not only that, because amongst you know the people that she's been quote-unquote competing with at these mock competitions at her gym she's always like first or second or you know, like she's always on the podium. So I think when we transitioned into actually going to competition she's thinking to herself like, oh, I've always come in like first or second, so you know.
Speaker 2:but she has realized like it's a.
Speaker 1:It's a different ball game. There was five different states there, I believe, like rhode island, arizona. It was us, um, connecticut and somebody else, but there was five different states that came. So she was competing against girls from obviously different states within the same level that she is. But even though they're in the same level, everyone's skill level is still different. So we get to awards and she ranked 13th. She ranked 13th in her age group. Yes, she ranked 13th in her age group. In her age group. Yes, she ranked 13th in her age group. But that was still out of like 50.
Speaker 2:That was like six to eight.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but it's still like 50-something girls or 40-something girls. And she ranked 13th and so she still got, you know, she still got a medal and she still got recognized and she still got to go up on the podium, but of course you couldn't go to the first, second, third, fourth or fifth, like little booth thing, you know. So she gets up on stage, we're taking pictures, we're yelling, we're screaming, everything's great. She has this look on her face like okay, like you know trying to.
Speaker 1:I can tell she wasn't super happy, but I wasn't expecting what happened next. So after we were done and I go to look for her, her face is like completely like drawn down and I'm like what's going on? As soon as I said what's going on, this child just burst into tears. I mean, she was going through it. You couldn't calm her down. She was like non-consolable. She was like when she said the judges stole points from me. But she said the judges stole points from me and I was like they really did it, although I will say that beam routine, I feel like they shorted my baby and I also feel like they did short her on her bars, but that's neither here nor there and on her vault.
Speaker 1:No, her vault actually was really good. I'm not going to lie.
Speaker 2:Her vault was really good. I watched it and I'm not trying to be that parent. I'm not trying to be that parent. I'm not trying to be that parent.
Speaker 1:I'm not trying to be that parent. Actually, I'm going to agree with you Even over the beam. Her vault was good.
Speaker 2:Because at some point I was talking to. What's her name? Shoshana. Shoshana's mom, I was talking to her dad and I was like bro, what are they looking for? Because I don't see like it's, it's you don't see where the deductions are coming from. I don't see where the deductions are coming from. Yeah, I don't see how. How, um? Someone who did damn near the same score yeah I'm like how are they just? Are they blind?
Speaker 1:no, no, and at some point I was like I don't want to be that parent, but you feel like you're turning into that but I'm gonna go talk to the judge is my damn self it's so funny because when things like that happen, I went over the video because of course you know we, I took video and stuff because we're gonna talk to coach and everything about this to see where I can see me personally, I can see where some of the detectives came from. But for her vote, her vote was actually like really good aside from her bars, but like even when we were going on the video, I was showing her like balance check, your legs weren't together, like I can see where she lost some points, but anyway, she was a little inconsolable. She was saying that the judges stole points from her. She was upset that she got a medal that was for the 13th place and you know she just she couldn't bridge together how much work and effort she put in and where that placed her, you know.
Speaker 1:So after we went through the whole debacle trying to calm her down, we went out to dinner with her, some of her teammates, and she kind of calmed down a little bit and then we had a conversation and um, um, you know I was just letting her know this is going to be one of those things either you're going to step up or you're going to bow out, but it's your choice. Like, what are you going to do? Even though I know in my, in the back of my mind, I'm like I'm not going to let you quit, but you know, what would you, you like to do? And so her response was she tells me I'm going to work harder, mom, I'm going to work harder because Simone, simone, works hard. That's what she calls Simone Biles, simone.
Speaker 1:So she was like Simone works hard, I'm going to work harder. And I was like perfect, perfect. I just told her. I said, baby, if it's something you really want, just aim to be a little better each time. You don't have to get it perfect. And I was like in 13th place out of all those girls. Babe, that is really good for your first time?
Speaker 2:Yeah, because a lot of them.
Speaker 1:I was like you did amazing. So we got through that and she's okay now and she wore her. They give all the girls like a souvenir leotard to show like which invitational they went to. So she was really excited to wear that to practice and she was like I want to wear it to practice so I was like okay.
Speaker 2:Good for her. So how was your week?
Speaker 1:My week was good, aside from your dehydration incident. Oh my God, you pass out one time. What Pass out one time and people never let you forget it, especially when you do it in the middle of the damn restaurant.
Speaker 2:For the folks watching and listening. I got severely dehydrated to the point to where he passed out in the middle of the restaurant. I stood up and my blood pressure changed so rapidly that I lost consciousness that he fell out in the middle of the restaurant.
Speaker 1:He moved tables and chairs and I couldn't catch him before he was laid out in the middle of the restaurant with his eyes rolling to the back of his head and me slamming on a table, yelling and screaming at the top of my lungs for someone to call 911. Because I did not understand what was happening to my husband at that moment.
Speaker 2:I just remember taking a couple of steps and like, yeah, this is it.
Speaker 1:I'm tired, I'm going down, I'm going down. This is it.
Speaker 2:I just going down. Yeah, I'm going down, I'm going down and this is it. I just remember that. And then, like because I had been, I was like I'm dehydrated Because I've been dehydrated before. I know, because I get lightheaded, I get whoopies. I just need to. But I know when I'm dehydrated I need to sit my ass down somewhere.
Speaker 1:I don't need to go home, yeah, so it was like I'm gonna just do what I gotta do, but anywho, um, aside from spending all of friday night into saturday morning, at the emergency room because you wanted to go, not because I wanted to go um, like I said, spending night, friday night into saturday morning at the emergency room.
Speaker 1:Aside from that, if we just kind of box that up and then put the lid on it and move it to the side, I had a relatively decent week. It was good. I did all my gym sessions.
Speaker 2:What we got today.
Speaker 1:Really.
Speaker 2:She's been rubbing the fact that she got to go to the gym when I couldn't.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, you missed the gym like two days no four days that she got to go to the gym when I couldn't. Oh my gosh, you missed the gym like two days.
Speaker 2:No, four days. You don't go to the gym on those other two days. I go to the gym on Saturday.
Speaker 1:The mail, yeah, I didn't get to walk on. Sunday Okay, well, I did walk, but it worked in his favor because I tried to tell him, like I keep telling him, you also have to and through that, rest and recover. He lost like another three or four pounds.
Speaker 2:I was sick, I wasn't eating, it doesn't matter, I was eating watermelon.
Speaker 1:Take the win Hydration, hydration.
Speaker 2:That was hydration, what we got today, wilson.
Speaker 1:Hydration.
Speaker 2:Because, you draining my energy.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:And not in the way I want you to. What the way I want you to Right.
Speaker 1:Almost. So Anyway. Anyway, since you are my person, Am I. Yeah, you are my person and some would say my soulmate. I know you said that I am your soulmate. I wanted to talk about the myths or the realities of soulmates, like is it a real thing and how that plays a part in relationship dating and marriage Okay. Right.
Speaker 2:So it sounds like I'm not your soulmate and you want to go look for them. That's what it sounds like.
Speaker 1:No, that's not it.
Speaker 2:That's exactly what it sounds like no, that's not it.
Speaker 1:That's exactly what it sounds like to me. That's not you are. You're my person. You're my soulmate.
Speaker 2:Being your person, you're soulmate to different things.
Speaker 1:I just said, you were my both. Okay, we'll see, I guess. I guess only life will tell. Yeah, I guess so. Anywho, soulmate train, oh my gosh, anyway. Okay, listen. So the concept of soulmates date back to greek mythology, particularly plateau's symposium, where humans were once whole beings split into two by the gods. Ever since, we've supposedly have been searching for our other half.
Speaker 2:Oh, is that why we say other half? That's why we say other half.
Speaker 1:Okay, so the issues, though, that that could play in trying to find your other half, or the belief that your other half is essentially saying that we're not created as whole beings Right. So while it's romantic, the idea continuously perpetuates the notions that we are incomplete without a partner and in modern marriage it creates the pressure to find someone quote unquote who's perfect. That can lead to dissatisfaction in the real relationships and often efforts that are compromised.
Speaker 2:So you're saying that human beings are all whole beings. We're not whole food.
Speaker 1:OK so, but that that got me to think we're not whole foods, all whole beings, we're not whole food. Okay so, but that.
Speaker 2:that got me to thinking we're not whole foods, we're not whole grains.
Speaker 1:That got me to thinking like, okay, do you think that we are born whole, like if you? Because if you, if you believe in the concept of a soulmate right, and if what we? What we now know about how that was deemed a thing, a whole, being split into two by the mythological gods. That would leave us searching for our other half. So it would be their belief that you are now incomplete, or you are half of who you truly are, until you find the other person to make you whole.
Speaker 2:I believe that. I believe that we are um whole in our part. What do you mean Like, like as a person, as a man, that we are whole in our part. What do you mean Like, as a person, as a man I'm a whole, I'm a whole right Are you talking about in a physical sense? In a physical sense, right? Well, yes, I'm a whole right.
Speaker 2:Now, I do believe that everyone strives for a connection, regardless of what that connection looks like to them. Somebody, everybody, everybody wants to have some type of connections and a special connection. Right, so I do. I think that portion of it the longing for a partnership, the longing for companionship, that portion of it is not whole, but I think that as a, as individually, we're whole, and then we, we, um, we're like, it's like, it's like, uh, the best way I can say it is like this Ying and yang, right, right, right, ying is a thing, yang is a thing, so, a whole yang is a whole yang, a whole yang is a whole yang. But when you come together and you have that perfect combination, then now you're perfect and then the union is perfect. The union is what makes the couple person perfect, right? So I think that, like I'm whole, you're whole, and then we come together, we're a whole union that can become perfect if we're the right union.
Speaker 1:Okay, so, but then that goes back for me, anyway is okay. This is the way I'm trying to think of it. There is a human inclination to not want to be alone, Like we weren't born to be alone right.
Speaker 1:So that desire to want to have someone or be with someone doesn't that kind of feed into the notion of the whole soulmate thing? Because the fact that you have a desire and a yearning to have a partner or to be with someone feels like if you don't have that partner and you don't have the desire to be with someone, then you may be whole, but you have the desire to want someone and when you do have someone, that makes you feel more whole, and that's why I say that, that the, the, the wanting the connection, right, that's similar to what you're saying.
Speaker 2:the desire, right, everyone wants a connection with someone special, right, that's the desire, and that someone special, you very much well interpret that as that person being your soulmate. If the connection is strong enough, right, okay. But what I'm saying is you also have people who are content without finding that soulmate, because they don't either believe that that person exists or because they've been through so many doors that wasn't, that didn't lead to that, that they've given up.
Speaker 1:But that doesn't take away the desire necessarily. They can tell themselves that, but that's not humanly how we're wired.
Speaker 2:But they're satiated to a degree.
Speaker 1:Okay, that's fair you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:That's fair. So when I say I do believe that it's the whole, I look at it as the one plus one equals one equation. Right, I'm a whole, you're a whole, but together we are also a whole. Okay, right, and we're just different parts of that hole. Right, because we've been together so long. Right, people look at us as a hole, right, like because they don't see you without asking about me, they don't see me without asking about you. Right, but we still have our own lives, our own paths that we've taken. We're a whole apart, but we're just a better whole together.
Speaker 1:Like I'm a force on my own.
Speaker 2:Okay, Neal.
Speaker 1:That wasn't Neal, that was fabulous, I think. Are you talking about Neal Hussein the Hook? Yes, okay, yeah, I was like that was a fabulous track, but yeah, okay. So now my next question for you is how do you think that plays a part in relationships or people getting to the point of marriage? Because I think that starts to put a pressure on finding the one, but the minute some type of like trial or you know, some like not aggression, but if it's not as smooth sailing, then they feel like they've chosen the wrong person. So then how do you, how do you, navigate through that?
Speaker 2:I think that depends on each person, because if you're a person, I feel as if you're a person who is out here searching for the one and you're casting a wide net and you're, and you're, you know, taking a look down each alley or each opportunity comes across and you're finding little things that may not sit right with you or are things that you don't feel that are compatible with you. I feel like, especially if you have this clock in your head, I feel like the pressure to just say, oh, you're my one, without the proper vetting right Can lead to I do believe that that can lead to disaster, because I think at that point, your, your, your focus is is, is focus, is hindering your pursuit right, because I also subscribe to the notion that the ones for you will enter your life when it's time for them to enter your life right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I feel like, no matter how much you long for that soulmate or that person or your connection, I feel like that person will enter your life once you're ready for that person. Now, that may mean you may have to work on yourself, or that may mean you may meet that person and that person not where you thought they would be. So because I also do believe that people give up on relationships too soon because, like you said, it's gotten a little hard. There's been some conflict Right.
Speaker 2:There's been some conflict Right, there's been some rocky situations and now they don't have the strength to persevere through that Right. And then in hindsight because you hear it all the time in hindsight they go man, man, actually, what felt bad at the moment actually wasn't really that bad Right. It only felt bad because it was happening to me. And in hindsight, what was happening then is nothing compared to what's happening now.
Speaker 1:Right, because I also think that the whole concept of the soulmate thing people have this idea that they're going to meet somebody who's going to be responsible for filling all of their needs, and that's not true. And that's not true, that's not true. So then it kind of it creates, like this detachment in the brain you know what I'm saying Because you're not going to find one person that's going to fulfill all your needs. And then I think it takes away from the the the hard truth that someone being your person, it still takes work, it's going to take compromise.
Speaker 2:I think the caveat that people overlook a lot of times is that your soulmate is going to be a person that wants to show up day in and day out and be there for you, If it feels good or not. That wants to show up day in and day out and be there for you, regardless of what if it feels good or not or if it feels good or not, and and what in regards of what that looks like.
Speaker 2:right, your soulmate is going to be someone who was going to instantaneously want to make your life easier in any way possible Right now. That's not to say that you can't use that to the point to where now they feel like they're being used.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:If you're not again, if you're not pouring back into them, right, but to that point, if they're your soulmate, you should want to pour back into them. Yeah, right, and because that feeling of like goosebumps or butterflies that's, it's going to go away.
Speaker 1:The chemistry. So that's what I wanted to.
Speaker 2:That's it's going to go away, the chemistry.
Speaker 1:So that's what I wanted to, that's what I want to say, like sorry, I wasn't cutting you off, I was agreeing with you. But the chemistry portion a lot of people think, because they have that initial chemistry and it has that magical feeling, and you got the, your dopamine levels are flying off, you've got an orphans going everywhere, it's like, oh no, I've met Mr Right or I met you know, I met the one, she's the one. And then if there's a physical exchange and that's also amazing then you also start thinking, nope, the chemistry is there, like everything aligns, but you may not even align on basis that are going to be the foundation of your relationship, to sustain the relationship.
Speaker 2:And see, I don't subscribe to that. Everything's going to align because I feel like your soulmate, your person is somewhat there to challenge you, right, so you can grow, but challenge you in a good way. I'm not talking about you. Guys are going to be butting heads on everything.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But they're going to be there so that they can open up your line to a different line of thought, yeah, a different line of reasoning. So they try to paint the picture in a different way, so that you can see what's behind the scene that may happen or that may impact your decision.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:I don't think that a soulmate is someone that's going to show up and then just agree, because if you meet someone that like, like, if you meet somebody, oh, just just just put us in, for, like, this girl is perfect, like we, we we're on the same page, we agree about everything and there's no conflict. No, nothing, right the minute conflict comes in the minute conflict comes in, or the minute that you're not providing her what she wants or she's not providing you with what you think you need.
Speaker 2:And now you guys have your first tough decision or tough conversation, and now you're looking across the table like who the F are you? Yeah, because this is not who I was introduced to, right? And that's why I think a lot of times we try to put titles and tags on things way too early.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Right, yeah, a lot of times I believe like, like in our, in our case, because, like a lot of, a lot of things with us grew organically, because, yes, we were young and yes, we had very little responsibility and the endorphins would fly high.
Speaker 1:They're flying high right.
Speaker 2:And we had little to no responsibility. So it was a lot easier to come together and be a melting pot of ideas, of conversation having this conversation right, and people say that to me, but I also. What I say back to them is that, yes, we had the time to cultivate a relationship to me, but I also. What I say back to them is that, yes, we had the time to cultivate a relationship, but what made the cultivation easier is that those conversations showed us that we wanted the same things.
Speaker 1:Yeah. And then, when the tough times got there, we really had to make a decision. Yeah, you had to make a decision. Like I always say, things have not. Things haven't always been smooth sailing between us. They ain't smooth sailing now. Right, I don't like you. Things haven't always been smooth sailing. No, they're not. But that's where it's. That's where I always say, like you make a decision. Right, you make a decision. Because you could have made the decision to say you know what, I don't want to take you through this, so I'm just going to cut you loose. And I could have made the decision to say you know what? I don't, I don't want to take you through this, so I'm just going to cut you loose. And I could have made the decision and been like you know what, I love you, I love you so much. But I've got to go a different route and I've got to do something different, right? But that's why I always say you find, out who was for you and what is meant for?
Speaker 2:you when you're going through the rough times and you can let that define you, when you're going through the hard times, when things not hunky dory, when things are not all smiles, when sacrifices have to be made and the word no has to be used a lot.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And boundaries have to be drawn and how people, how you respond to that. Yeah, that will show you if that's your personal knowledge.
Speaker 1:Yeah to that that will show you if that's your personal knocks. Yeah, and I think what kind of what? The decision to stay and to be in this until the wheels fall off? For me is the compatibility of our shared values, right, which?
Speaker 1:have changed, which have changed a little bit, but at its core, we still agree on the fundamental things about our lives.
Speaker 1:You know what I'm saying and I think that's where people can lose sight of yes, your partner is going to change.
Speaker 1:Yes, you may look at them one day and be like, damn, I don't think this is my soulmate, I don't think this is my person, because their ideas may have changed or how they view the world may have changed a little bit, but if, at the core, their fundamental foundations, things that are really truly important to you, like your family structure, how you guys are deciding to live your life, how life is managed and organized, like the spirituality, faith, all of that, if the fundamental foundational things are still something that's important to you and that person still has those things, then I think it's worth trying to navigate and work through to get to the other side of whatever's feeling uncomfortable right now, because just because it's your soulmate doesn't mean that things is going to be smooth sailing all the time.
Speaker 1:It doesn't mean that things are going to feel good all the time. And I think, because everyone has this idea of the, the soulmate, and you know chemistry and finding the person and you being my person, that everything should just align, and it shouldn't be. It should be easy. Like loving them should be easy. That's what it is they feel like loving that person should be easy. If we were meant to be together, I shouldn't have to go through hoops and hurdles.
Speaker 2:To that I will say loving them should be easy. 95% of the time.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean, because you're going to have your differences, yeah, and you're going to look across at your partner and say what are you talking about? What are you doing? I'm not doing this, I'm not okay with this, right, and a lot of times that's when you ask yourself how much do I love this person to tolerate what's going on, right? Or? Or or can I, can we, is this something we could talk about and maybe have an understanding? Right? But there are there's, there's going to be those times yeah, it's, it's, it's going to happen where you're going to look across and say I don't know who you are right now, yeah, but I need you to bring the other person back.
Speaker 1:And that's I feel like that's normal. Though that is normal. That's a normal part of growing. It is Because're you're getting older. You're it's like a computer. There's more information being downloaded into your brain. There's new things that you come across and new interests. There's new groups of people you start to hang out with. The more different people you hang out with, you also become influenced by the things that they're influenced by, and that's the other thing.
Speaker 2:I will say that I am happy that we got together in the time in which we did. Oh yeah, I always say that I feel like the climate today being able to look at someone's social media and then come up with a reality about that person when you don't know anything about that person.
Speaker 1:On their day-to-day lives.
Speaker 2:Because some people really believe that everything someone posts on social media is the facts of their life right. So I do feel like nowadays there are more things to weed through to kind of understand what's reality and what's the play. You know what I'm saying. What's the falsehood here? What's the doing it for the gram, so to speak, right. So to that point I say, yeah, it may be harder in this age, because back when we got together there was nothing but a phone line and seeing you.
Speaker 1:And text messages. We had texting.
Speaker 2:The very beginning of text messaging.
Speaker 1:Calm down. Listen, I had a flip phone.
Speaker 2:We had more AIM than Dexter.
Speaker 1:Okay, oh my gosh, I used to love.
Speaker 2:AIM, but we actually had to sit down and have conversations before we could formulate real solid opinions about each other. Yeah, and I feel like today you can formulate opinions about each other.
Speaker 1:Just by social media.
Speaker 2:Just without even talking to you, I can formulate oh other, just by social media, just without even talking to you I can formulate oh oh, she posts like this.
Speaker 1:Oh no, I don't like.
Speaker 2:You know what I'm saying like and then now? So now you have a whole nother level and category of of um factors that come into play when choosing a partner yeah because now you have to, you, you're really, you have to, you're really, you have to. You're competing with a a much broader group of people because of the connectivity of the world now, yeah, that's true. So that kind of takes me to my next question for you before I had to compete with like people in a maybe a 50 square mile radius, that's now it's like okay, okay.
Speaker 1:So that that makes me beg the question are soulmates created?
Speaker 2:or are they found? I think it's a combination of both. Okay, because I believe in love at first sight, because I experienced love at first sight, so I believe in that right. But I also believe that soulmates can be found because I do feel like our good friends. I'll say her name is whatever. Our good friends came in Amanda, right? Yeah, I feel like as quirky as they both are.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:They mesh really well. They found each other. They mesh, yeah. And now I know, I know that you know what we see and what exists may be different, yeah. But they.
Speaker 1:They have a great connection.
Speaker 2:They have a great connection, yeah, and I think they have a great foundation in which, even when they come across the tits and the tats, they figure it out and they compromise with each other, right. So when I see people like that, I go, okay, yeah, it's possible to meet your person later on in life. Right, it's possible that it's possible that what you, you know cause, what you look for, is going to change, right, and that's why I was like, like I was saying earlier, sometimes you're just not ready for your person. You have to experience something, because I do believe that, when it comes to soulmates, we are learning from each other. So we're going to have our two different sets of experiences going forward once we have our connection.
Speaker 1:I think I would say a little bit of both too, but I feel like more so made. But I do. I do think when, like how you mentioned, kevin and Amanda yeah, I think a lot of people who have great relationships like that are really great connections it's the friendship foundation that starts. I see that as like a trending thing Couples who had a solid friendship and were like just cool as hell that transitioned into something more serious. I see that they have more of like that connection, that longevity. It's like you look at them and you're like it looks fun.
Speaker 1:It looks fun to be in a relationship like that Like they get each other.
Speaker 1:Like they get each other. Yes, like that. Just you can look at them and be like y'all, look like y'all have a lot of fun in life. You know what I mean and, like you said, we don't know what goes on behind closed doors, but from what we can see when we hang out with them, I know how I feel when I'm around them. Yeah, and I think that says a lot when you feel good being around another couple. You know what I'm saying and I feel good when I'm around them, like when we hang out.
Speaker 2:I'm like, yes, it's just like our other friends Julie and Eric, right. Love them Right, love them, right, love them. Julie talk a lot of shit and I love it Right, but I know, but he bounces off of that Right. But I know when she comes to the show like oh, she going to war for him, she going to war, Like and he's going to war, he's going to war for her, yeah, and so it's like but when you see couples like that, you go oh they get each other and they work.
Speaker 2:Yeah, right, and so that's what I'm saying. Like a lot of times these things are discovered early, these things are discovered later. Yeah, but I always feel like once you discover that, you're going to discover that when you're ready.
Speaker 1:Right. But that's why I also say I do think soulmates are made Right. Yeah, I do, soulmates are made right. Yeah, I do think they're made too because off of the shit, just I mean just off of the shared experiences that we have and we've gone through in a relationship, all of those, those valleys that we experience, and when we come out on the other side, it's almost like we've been strapped up with additional armor and it's almost like a, a badge of uh, honor that we get to have for ourselves and look at ourselves and be like, yeah, we did that.
Speaker 1:And so it makes you feel like you don't want nobody to try to come in and get in between that. You know what I'm saying. So it makes you feel more proud, it makes you feel a little bit more valued in your relationship, and I think that's what the part of making the soulmate is, because, come hell or high water, I know you're going to be here, I'm here, and if anybody tries to do anything to hurt, harm anything towards you, you getting it like you You're, I'm standing ten toes down, right, you know what I'm saying. Like you can't, you can't come over here and you can't do this. Like I'm not. I'm going to be, I'm a shield, right, I'm a shield, you know what I'm saying. Like you can't, you can't come over here and you can't do this. Like I'm not, I'm gonna be I'm his shield, right, I'm his shield, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:So I think during those times, that's where the soulmate is made. Yeah, okay, I mean, that can be. Two things can be true at once. Like I said, I'm trying to finish my sentence now you try to.
Speaker 2:You try to cut mine off. You try to cut mine off.
Speaker 1:Let's try to finish mine off. I'm still trying to finish my sentence. So, yeah, that's why I wanted to ask you about that, because I was just thinking like people will say, oh yeah, but you found your soulmate. It's different. But I mean, it's not like I just picked you off of the street or like met you at school one day and was like, oh yeah, you know what Life with him is going to be great and easy People got to understand.
Speaker 2:I put a lot of work in to get you. Oh my gosh, here we go. I put a lot of work in, here we go.
Speaker 1:A lot of conversations, a lot of wearing you down Because I saw it, you couldn't see it, I couldn't see it in the beginning, you couldn't see it. Always said he saw it, I saw. And I always tell him I didn't. So now I don't know if I've been brainwashed or you wouldn't you can leave right now, because now I need to start re-evaluating something not brainwashed.
Speaker 2:There go the door. But I know I wasn't brainwashed.
Speaker 1:There goes the door. I know I wasn't brainwashed, but you were not brainwashed.
Speaker 2:Again there goes the door. But, like I was saying, I put the work in. Yeah, right, yeah, I cultivated a friendship. You did Right, we both did Right. I was, as the kids nowadays say, I was gladly friend-zoned Okay, because I had a mission.
Speaker 1:So you played the long game.
Speaker 2:I had a mission. Did I win? You won.
Speaker 1:I got you, so am I the prize you were.
Speaker 2:Now that I got you, you're kind of like that old man on the shelf. You know what I mean. I take it down and shine it up a little bit. Every now and again I shine it a little bit and put it back and I sit back and look at it like man that's it I did that let me.
Speaker 1:Let me go ahead and walk away and see again in six months yeah to me.
Speaker 2:I'm not doing this with you and I walk by every morning and say hello, shut up.
Speaker 1:You just reminded me I need to call my daddy. Stop, hello Say, let me call my daddy. I ain't talked to my daddy in like a week.
Speaker 2:But I mean, look here, you're not going to be able to manufacture a soulmate out of just your sheer will. I don't want people thinking that, but I think in life everything comes down to you have to be willing to do the work.
Speaker 1:Yeah, now you sound like Inyala, no matter.
Speaker 2:She's speaking facts. You got to be willing to do the work, and the work starts on working within yourself. Yeah, because it's quite possible. It's quite possible that your soulmate has passed you because you were not ready for them, because you were in a space where you were looking for one set of values that you thought were important, and now you realize that you're wrong, and now you know what I'm saying. Yeah, so because I do believe that, like you were saying, like the soulmate you know can be cultivated. Yeah, Made.
Speaker 2:Right. So I feel like you know it's a possibility that there has been times where soulmate seeds, so to speak, have passed you. Soulmates, yeah, that person could have passed you. Okay. So Everybody I feel like everyone kind of knows, because anyone who has who has ever said that's the one I let get away or that's the one I should have married that's the one I should have, yeah. They kind of knew At the time.
Speaker 1:At the time, yeah, they kind of knew at the time, at the time yeah, but they, but they probably weren't ready, they weren't ready within themselves.
Speaker 2:They hadn't done the work within themselves, so don't mess with anything.
Speaker 1:Okay, so one more question before we wrap this up and go on to our two cents Do you think that you can have multiple soulmates in your lifetime, like if you're married already and then you feel like you came across your soulmate Me personally, no, okay, I just had to ask because I feel, like some people are going to be like but what if you have more than one soulmate? I mean, some people may yeah.
Speaker 2:I think you have some people out here whose light shines so bright that it requires you to absorb.
Speaker 1:Okay, maurice, I don't know what that was. Well, we're going to go ahead and end it there and hop right into our two cents, our two cents. You know, exactly what I meant. I know All right. Okay, here we go. Am I the asshole for being uncomfortable with my husband's new friend?
Speaker 2:We'll see.
Speaker 1:Okay, context A few months ago, my husband, jay, became friends with this girl. We'll call her S. He hangs out with her a decent amount of time, once a week to every other week ish, which is decent given our work schedules. I've never met her, nor have I been invited to. It's been mentioned that she wants to meet me, however, plans were never made and I'm not invited. When he goes to see her he says he's also hanging out with her boyfriend, but, again, I've never met these people.
Speaker 1:A few things that really rubbed me the wrong way, though. He's been doing a lot for her and gave her our space heater, which I had no problem with him being helpful or kind, but it seems that he tries to solve any problem whenever she has an issue. I asked about donating the Nintendo Switch that we literally never use and has sat in a drawer for years to a child in need, and he said no because he told us she could quote unquote, maybe borrow it sometimes and he can't go back on his word, and that she could quote unquote, borrow it whenever. However, he promised an incredibly close friend of mine that she could for sure have our xbox as a christmas gift, and now he's going back on that and asking me to donate it instead. Also, every single time we've gotten into a fight since he's met her, he stormed out of the house and runs to her place. He doesn't return home for hours and does not contact me at all while he's gone. I only know where he is because I have an iPhone, so I track his location. After making a huge deal about spending Christmas with me, he spent less than two hours with me and went to a party with her that I wasn't invited to and was gone all afternoon and all night.
Speaker 1:I spoke to him about all of these points and said I was uncomfortable that he swore nothing. But he swore nothing was going on, but apparently turned right around and told her what we had talked about and he said it was because she's quote unquote. Of course I told her she's my friend, hmm. A. This makes him more sus, like you got stories to straighten out. B. Now it's going to be weird with me and her if I ever meet her. Not that I want to or even be in a relationship with her, even as a female friend, and he has other female friends who I adore and does none of this ish with them. So this is not just me hating on other women or anything. That's dumb. Am I crazy for being uncomfortable, especially considering he doesn't tell me what they talk about? He doesn't tell me immediately, he doesn't tell me what they talk about immediately, but he turns around and tells her private conversations that we've had. Last thing I found out today that she's single. Apparently. She's dumped her boyfriend last night. Guess who came to that idea first.
Speaker 2:How many red flags are you going to ignore?
Speaker 1:Okay, first of all, here's the thing I'm not done.
Speaker 2:Okay, go ahead. I'm not done. Go ahead. Do you know how dumb you sound?
Speaker 1:That he runs off to her.
Speaker 2:No man has a single woman friend who all he wants to be with is friends. If he's not bringing his girlfriend or wife around, how dumb can you be? And then, when you get upset, you're allowing him to go over to her house and vent.
Speaker 1:No, you know that he's leaving and going to her house after every argument, you guys are arguing and then he going right over there and getting some head and doing it. And doing it.
Speaker 2:Doing it. He sound like a teenager and doing it, and doing it, she S is handing out big purr. I don't, I don't, that's it.
Speaker 1:What other reason no man S is handing out big purr? I don't, that's it. What other reason no man Esther's handing out big purr?
Speaker 2:I don't know, no man that has an argument with their woman and then flees to another woman's house, unless they're gonna talk about what just happened and then engage in some type of.
Speaker 1:But not only does he flee to her house, he also ignores her for hours. Yes, and she allows it. So I think that's diabolical. First of all that listen. I have married friends who have told me that their husbands or wives have blocked them. I think that's diabolical. Look here you ain't you got one time to play that game with me? Block it's diabolical. Look here, you ain't got one time to play that game with me.
Speaker 2:Block me if you want to Block me if you want to and if you turn your location off you won't live here no more.
Speaker 1:I promise we will drag this out. Okay, Everything I do in life I take to the Olympic level.
Speaker 2:Ma'am, he's sleeping with her.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he is Sorry, sorry, not sorry, because you already know that.
Speaker 2:And if he ain't sleeping with her, he close, he close.
Speaker 1:He close Sorry not sorry, because you already knew that.
Speaker 2:And while you've been trying to be patient and loving, she's been making room for herself.
Speaker 1:Yep.
Speaker 2:I'm pretty sure he's going to start paying a light bill next.
Speaker 1:I'm quite sure that he's already paying something for her.
Speaker 2:It ain't tricking, if you got it.
Speaker 1:He's already paying for something and she already know. Okay, now I got him, I got him on a hook. Sorry boo, so sorry, but not sorry, because I think you already know that I don't think you're being an asshole at all.
Speaker 2:I think you're being too generous.
Speaker 1:Way too generous, way too generous it's like you know, when you when you got dogs and the dogs go around, they mark their territory oh wow, you go mark some territory, but you might be a little too late well, guys, this has been another episode of Life After I Do if you're not doing so already, you know the drill like share, comment on all social media platforms Instagram, facebook, tiktokok, youtube, all of the above and I'm happy some of y'all got my message last week about y'all being fake. Right, because because I I noticed that some, some of the some of the fake ones just started following the podcast and um I love y'all I love y'all.
Speaker 1:You know, I'm just teasing you but I love y'all no I'm teasing.
Speaker 1:I love you, though, but I'm just saying like, come on now. We on 365 and you. You ain't followed on all platforms yet, but that's neither here nor there. The fact that you did is all that matters. So you're a real one now and I love you. Welcome to the fam. Hope you're listening to this episode this week, but yes, so if you are not doing so already, for those who are listening, you can like, follow, share and comment on all social media platforms. Guys. You can also write into the podcast at lifeafteridopodcast at gmailcom. You get a new episode every single wednesday. You get a i2 r2 cents every monday and most mondays, most mondays. And until then, guys, peace, booskies.
