Life After I Do Podcast
Marriage and relationships can be tough. You may feel like you’re the only one struggling but you’re not. Life After I do is a weekly podcast where Morice and Kynesha, a black married millennial couple, share their experiences and advice on everything from kids and family to intimacy and connection. Noting is off limits.
In their 21 years together and 7 years of marriage, Morice and Kynesha have learned a lot about what it takes to make a relationship work. They know the importance of communication, trust and commitment. They also know it’s okay to not have it all figured out.
Join them every Wednesday as they talk about their own journey of “Life After I do”.
Life After I Do Podcast
Attachment Types
Join us as we dive into the emotional landscape of relationships, exploring how childhood attachment styles—secure, anxious, or avoidant—shape our interactions today. Through open conversations, we emphasize the power of empathy, communication, and self-awareness in overcoming conflicts and celebrating growth together. Let’s build healthier, stronger relationships!
if I tell you like hey, like I just need to separate for a second, or like you know, this is this, is this is it for me, this is my last draw, it's kind of like okay, is this it? Or you know, like are we going to be able to talk about this? Or you act like I say like is is it like we breaking up? It's been one time. Listen, okay, let's see. Hey everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Life After I Do Podcast.
Speaker 2:I'm your host, kynesha, and I'm here with my husband. We got back together since last episode. I'm still her husband. She wrecked the father problem, molito.
Speaker 1:Hello, hello, I can't with you. Hey Booskies, hi babe, how you doing, I'm good.
Speaker 2:How are you? I'm MF Tide oh.
Speaker 1:Move Tide, tide, you Tide, tide, not even tired Tide, just Tide, mf, tide, mf, tide. Hope everybody had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I know we had a wonderful Thanksgiving. How was your Thanksgiving, babe?
Speaker 2:It was blessed. It was blessed. Yes, it was delicious.
Speaker 1:My brother-in-law and my husband threw down in the kitchen.
Speaker 2:These modern-day women are so lazy.
Speaker 1:Good darn bye, good darn bye, good darn bye. My dad was like, wow, time sure have changed. I was like I said the men will be preparing our meal. You can't trust these women. They can't cook. Okay, goodbye. Anyways, everything was good, everything was great. Everything was it was my bill threw down on that mac and cheese and them greens shots out to the bearded barista. In case y'all didn't know, that's my brother-in-law. Follow him on instagram and and TikTok and TikTok.
Speaker 2:Yes, my brother-in-law, the bearded barista, threw down. All I'm going to say is that when you got that dressing with the mac and cheese, oh you did really good on the dressing babe. The dressing was so good With a little bit of that yams all together.
Speaker 1:And everybody kind of touch a little bit, touch the soul, they touch a little bit, it just heals you and you get that bite. That got a little bit of everybody on there, it was just healing.
Speaker 2:It was healing.
Speaker 1:It was good With them. Cornish hens.
Speaker 2:I gained six pounds.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:Y'all know I've been on my weight journey and I told my trainer I said look, weight loss journey.
Speaker 1:Yeah, my weight loss journey. I told my trainer look, I'm eating. I think he expected you to. I said I don't care. I said I don't.
Speaker 2:I think everyone expects I'm not tracking, I'm not tracking calories, I said, whatever I gain, I'll lose again.
Speaker 1:But we still went to the gym oh yeah, I, I got to visit new locations. Right Hold on.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and on my location, count your days Bye, because you have been slacking in many areas and I need to speak to the general manager. I don't want to talk to the man, I want to talk to the general manager, I want to talk. Matter of fact, give me let me talk to the district manager Bye Cause, Because I felt like we should be in the same district as the, as the gyms in Vegas. Probably the same district Southwest District Because the gyms in Vegas had different equipment.
Speaker 1:Yeah, different massage chairs. But I think when they open gyms they pull different equipment from different places and they buy equipment from different places. I know, like with the dumbbells and stuff, those are consistent with the the tag on them, but I think that's for aesthetic purposes and then whatever brands they decide to use, you know, and then also it's probably the demographic.
Speaker 2:They have machines um, whether it be a freeway or cable machines or whatever the machines were relatively the same.
Speaker 1:The thing that was different for me were the bikes, treadmills and the recovery center. They had different machines. Oh and the same. The thing that was different for me were the bikes, treadmills and the recovery center. They had different machines.
Speaker 2:Oh, and the child care center. Well, we wouldn't take our child anyway.
Speaker 1:I know, but still.
Speaker 2:I mean she don't want to go, but we wouldn't take her.
Speaker 1:I mean, if they had it set up like how they had it in Vegas, where you can see it on your phone, you can see the screen on the outside of the gym and then plus it's like all glass.
Speaker 2:There's only one person in there and there was a kid there, but it was like three kids.
Speaker 1:So it was fine. It wasn't a ton of children. My problem, because I think most parents will feel the same they're not going to take their kid to the daycare at the gym.
Speaker 2:I don't have a problem Because adults they know the problem is the other kids. Oh, no, yes, other kids.
Speaker 1:I mean, you know, my thing is, I always said that Phoenix really couldn't go to too many places and be with other people outside of us until she was able to communicate and communicate her experience. Communicate, you know, if something happened, an incident, whatever. So we I mean we don't do sleepovers in general, but even when she has like play dates and stuff like that, it's like I really wanted to wait until she could communicate a little bit better, to where she can explain to me something in her own words and be confident in you know, recollecting a situation or an event or something. You know what I mean and she don't shut up.
Speaker 2:So she got that from her mama.
Speaker 1:She's at that age where she will recollect everything and she wants to tell me a story. She'll make up a story.
Speaker 2:She's going to tell your business.
Speaker 1:So everything she's going to tell their business.
Speaker 2:If it's business to be told, she's going to tell your business. So everything she's going to tell their business.
Speaker 1:If there's business to be told, she's going to tell it. Like last night, before bed I had asked her how school was and stuff. Because I was like, oh, you didn't tell me how your day was when I picked you up today and she was like oh no, I didn't. And I was like no, so she told me how her day was and then I said, um, I was like oh uh, who did you play with today? Because I always ask her who she plays with, like at school. Because I just recently found out that apparently there's a little girl that um gives her attitude. And when I seen her on the picture that Phoenix had took, that the teacher had sent, phoenix was like oh, I don't like her.
Speaker 1:and I was like she meant it and I was like, see, this is why I have to ask questions. So I was was like, who did you play with today? And she told me who she played with and I was like, oh, what did you guys play on the playground? And she was like we played Descendants, that show, oh Lord, and so apparently all of them. Well, it's a movie. Apparently all of them have seen it and it's like their favorite movie. So they were all different characters and she was telling me how she had to try to become friends with one of the other girls and I, I mean, I don't, they didn't have in full, elaborate place. Oh my gosh, was she describes to me what they'd be playing?
Speaker 2:Imaginary Imagination.
Speaker 1:How are y'all? And then, and then the top of the slide was the castle, and all this in 15 minutes, yeah, and you couldn't come into the castle if you didn't have, like, the coins for the queen. And I'm like what y'all just not out there playing kickball? Nobody's like playing. And she does play tetherball because she always tells me how good she is at tetherball.
Speaker 2:What I didn't tell you today is how she threw shade at me today oh, she's a shade thrower, so she is. We picked up the day, you know, our best friend Mila was out there, uh-huh.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I was like hey Mila, hey Phoenix. And then her face was like I don't know, mila, one day we'll be able to have a play date.
Speaker 1:Because they tired of asking.
Speaker 2:Because they tired of asking I was, like it wasn't that long ago, we took you guys to the jungle gym like y'all literally just had a play date a couple months ago that was so long ago to them.
Speaker 1:That was a year ago, in the words of Phoenix, anything that's over, like a week or two. That was last year. I said you have no sense of how time works, do you? When I tell her like okay, phoenix, we're going to have, I'll be in your room to read to you in 15 minutes. Oh, my gosh, that's going to take four hours. It's not Cause I told you 15 minutes. No concept of time, no concept of time Whatsoever. That concept of time whatsoever. That's a girlfriend. But, um, yeah, thanksgiving was delicious. Yeah, thanksgiving was great. Um, spending time with family. Got to spend time with my niece and my nephew um.
Speaker 1:My sister-in-law, my brother-in-law um yeah, so it was. It was good. Obviously, the food was top-notch delectable, but we just, really just just hung out, and that's what was the best part we did go out on.
Speaker 2:Black Friday and instantly regret it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we went out, we saw and we came home. It was a line to get into the parking lot at Macy's I said y'all in here buying this stuff? Like this stuff is $10 and $15. Like I don't under, I really don't understand. And $10 and $15. Like I don't under, I really don't understand. And when I was looking at some of the sales I was like some of this stuff isn't on sale. Excuse me, most of this stuff you could have gotten cheaper throughout the year.
Speaker 2:I looked at a lot of stuff and I said this is not a sale price?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think it's just the propaganda and hype around it. Some companies do have good sales.
Speaker 2:I will say that, but for the most part.
Speaker 1:I'm pretty sure the prices are probably lower throughout the year on certain other events than it is on Black Friday.
Speaker 2:This has been my best Black Friday in years in the amount of money I spent Bye. This year on Black Friday I spent exactly $31.57.
Speaker 1:Because that was the amount it cost to buy the coffee for us to's how much For us to sip on. To walk around, to walk around the mall, I bought four coffees. Oh, no, no that's not true, because we got Zayn's birthday gift.
Speaker 2:That don't count. Oh, okay, that's a birthday gift. I bought four coffees and two hot chocolates. No, no, no, no, no, no, I didn't. My was $31. Now I'm thinking about it.
Speaker 1:And mine wasn't even a coffee. I didn't get a coffee, I got a tea. Count your motherfucking days, but it was really good. I got a. It wasn't $31. Good, I got an iced lavender decaf latte with oat milk.
Speaker 2:It wasn't decaf.
Speaker 1:It wasn't. You didn't have them put decaf in there. I was playing, look, then the hypochondria was gonna start in. I knew my heart was spacing it's been.
Speaker 2:It's been seven days since then.
Speaker 1:You're fine seven whole days. Oh no, but yes, an iced decaf lavender latte with oat milk. It was really good, really good. I'm like does Starbucks have lavender? I don't think they do, but now I got it. Oh, you know who might have lavender? The little mom and pop coffee shop.
Speaker 2:But overall it was a good Thanksgiving.
Speaker 1:It was a good Thanksgiving, it was relaxing A good couple of days away.
Speaker 2:Now the drive home.
Speaker 1:Oh my goodness, now you know what traffic is. Well, for those of you who have been in Sunday traffic coming back this way from Las Vegas, I know that's what I'm saying. You already know what that traffic is like, so imagine that times seven, and that's what the traffic was like coming home on a saturday a three saturday after black friday, seven hours to get home on a three and a half hour drive yes, a three and a half hour trip took and we only stopped twice that is correct and we weren't, we didn't like make like long stops they were they were pit stops.
Speaker 1:My was so hungry. She was so hungry. I'm gonna starve. I'm gonna starve. That's her new thing. If you don't get her food right away, I'm gonna starve and I tell her oh my goodness you can live for seven days without food.
Speaker 2:You'll be fine.
Speaker 1:I said Phoenix, you're not going to starve, I am. I'm gonna starve right here, this back seat. I'm going to starve, right here, this back seat. I'm going to starve.
Speaker 2:She's like she's going to wither away.
Speaker 1:I mean, like Phoenix, everything has such just like a sense of urgency, except for the things that should have a sense of urgency, because when it's time to go somewhere, la-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da that child, love her to death. What?
Speaker 2:We're going gonna be late. Yeah, she's been lolly dollying for the last 30 minutes basically, basically.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, I really hope you all had a great Thanksgiving. I hope you got to reconnect with family wow, maurice, that's rude. Okay, I care. Guys, she cares, I don't. I care, because you should have at least been with a little bit of family. If you couldn't be with family, I mean you know things happen, some people still had to work family. If you couldn't be with family, I mean you know things happen, some people still had to work on.
Speaker 2:Thanksgiving Be with the one you want.
Speaker 1:I don't know what's wrong with me. I've given up trying, like trying to figure out what the issue is. At this point, I'm just on cruise control because you know the commitment's. At this point, I'm just on cruise control because you know the commitment's been made yeah, the commitment's been made.
Speaker 2:Just on cruise control. 22 years ago we said we locked in, just, but you've been switching up. Okay, you ready to help me do it? What we got today? Booskies, no one cares. Your little chocolate don't help what.
Speaker 1:Why are you teasing me? You're looking good though.
Speaker 2:Thank you, hey y'all. Let me tell you my wife been losing weight. Oh gosh, Her weight's getting a little smaller and that ass is ass, is assing, and her shelf Put a whole bottle of water back there on that shelf. Now she walk around here with her muumuu, you got a little more bounce in it. Ooh, I can't with you Now.
Speaker 1:he thinks I've been trying to get cute for the gym. And I've just been my regular self. The thing is? The thing is, is what you notice like the gym fit? I wore today he bought me this Fenty gym outfit. What was it? Two years ago, a year?
Speaker 2:ago, maybe two years. It was like two years ago when you were like two years ago when you were going with your trainer and all that, and I was trying to be supportive.
Speaker 1:Yes and um, you and you know, I mean, I looked good in it before but it wasn't really all that comfortable because I feel as though those types of gym clothes are intended for a certain type of aesthetic and not necessarily the wearability to really get in and do some work. But anywho, my body has changed, my body shape has changed a little bit now. So, like he was saying, you know, my butt is looking a little, she looking a little juicier these days. Always had butt, never had issues with butt and thighs, but she looking a little more, you know, appealing these days. And I have lost more than a few inches around the waist area, so the ratios are starting to look a little better. And the top, which I I never really cared for wearing because you know I'm so busty, um, but obviously when you start to lose body fat, breasts are fat, so they start getting a little smaller. I'm gonna inject that with botox. So now my boobs have actually kind of gone down and gotten a little smaller and that he don't like that.
Speaker 1:But when I put the top on now, the top fits a lot better. So the overall aesthetic of the gym outfit looks, looks better like it. Just, you know like I was feeling myself when I got dressed this morning. I was like this is really cute. And so now he's like why are you trying to get cute and sexy for the gym? I'm really not. It's the same outfit, it just fits a little better.
Speaker 2:That's all you're looking forward to. That's cool what we got today buskies.
Speaker 1:You're ridiculous. Um, today we're going to be talking about attachment styles like like attached to like attachment yeah, like what your attachment style is to your partner.
Speaker 2:I think that's that thing you send with an email.
Speaker 1:No, your attachment style Basically like how you deal with conflict, how your possible childhood trauma has shown up in your adult life and how you interact and engage with your partner, your significant other and what your attachment style is to your partner, how you handle conflict. You know things like that.
Speaker 2:I feel like this is going to be one of my episodes where you just want to tell me about myself.
Speaker 1:No, I'm not going to tell you anything. I want you to like recognize what you think your attachment style is so okay. So there is four different types of attachments. I'm going to go through them really quick, okay go ahead and then we'll talk about them. So different relationship attachment styles.
Speaker 2:Do we need Jeopardy music?
Speaker 1:No. First one is the secure attachment. Okay, individuals feel comfortable with intimacy and closeness while maintaining independence. They trust others, they manage conflict effectively and have healthy emotional regulation. Okay, okay, that's secure attachment. Anxious or preoccupied attachments are individuals who are often overly concerned with their relationships, seeking constant reassurance and fearing abandonment. They may appear clingy or overly dependent.
Speaker 2:Well, that ain't me, okay, no, that one ain't me.
Speaker 1:Okay. The third one is avoidant or dismissive attachment. That's me. Individuals value independence and self-reliance, often avoiding intimacy and emotional closeness. They may struggle to express emotions and downplay the importance of relationships.
Speaker 2:That's not me.
Speaker 1:Do you think that's me?
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:You don't think that's me. No, you don't think that's me.
Speaker 2:Okay, you're needy.
Speaker 1:Four fearful, avoidant or disorganized attachment. Individuals desire closeness but simultaneously fear it, leading to contradictory behaviors. They may have difficulty trusting others and regulating emotions.
Speaker 2:I think I'm a combination of one and four.
Speaker 1:So you think you're a combination of secure attachment and fearful avoidant? Yes, why Explain? Explain, mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:Explain Because, like I like-.
Speaker 1:Oh, I want you to sorry, I don't want to cut you off, but I want you to break it down. So, with secure attachment, what makes you okay? So a cure. Attachment again was an individual who feels comfortable with intimacy and closeness while maintaining independence. They trust others, manage conflict effectively and have healthy emotional regulation. I said combination, don't come at me.
Speaker 2:No, you coming for me. You coming for me right now.
Speaker 1:I'm not coming for you at all. I'm not coming for you at all.
Speaker 2:I'm very comfortable with intimacy when it comes to you, uh-huh, okay, and I'm very affectionate. But at the same time I get in my bag where I'm just like I'm good, I'm cool, but I'm very affectionate. But at the same time I get in my bag where I'm just like I'm good, I'm cool. But then I get in my bag where I'm overly, overly. You know, I can manage some conflict effectively when I catch my mood and my mentality, when I catch it. You can hear me fine, when I catch my mood and my mentality and I can process. I've done that better, mainly more so with others, not with you, because it's just you. Just, if there was a book on how to press Maurice's buttons in the proper order to trigger him, you wrote it.
Speaker 2:You wrote it and you do a great job with that, so sometimes I can effectively manage.
Speaker 1:I don't think that it didn't say sometimes it didn't say in here.
Speaker 2:Sometimes manage conflict effectively. That's why I said I'm a big conversation.
Speaker 1:I'm done, I'm done, go ahead. I'm done, go ahead, I'm done, go ahead. Okay, what about the other one? What were we reading again? The other one was fearful, avoidant or disorganized attachment. Okay, individuals desire closeness but simultaneously fear it, leading to contradictory behaviors. They may have difficulty trusting others and regulating emotions.
Speaker 2:Sometimes I do. They may have difficulty trusting others and regulating emotions. Sometimes I do. That's me too. Yeah, sometimes I can't. I can't process my emotions fast enough to deal with them.
Speaker 2:This is gonna get you um, I can't, and oftentimes it's like, especially when I become overwhelmed with emotion, it's hard for me to pinpoint what's going on and a lot of times I just get I just don't deal with it. So then I just kind of retract, like regress, right, and just kind of like okay, let me just just leave me alone, like just let me be, let me be a little bit.
Speaker 2:I know you want to avoid it but, I don't, because I suffer from you fear it or fear the loss of it. Both, because I feel I suffer from a little bit of imposter syndrome where I feel like I'm not, I'm not enough sometimes or I fear that I don't deserve you or that I haven't done enough to for things to be reciprocal, okay.
Speaker 1:For me, you all of them? No, I'm just playing, I think, for me I would say I'm probably more avoidant. So, to refresh your memory, avoidant or dismissive, those are individuals who value independence and self-reliance, often avoiding intimacy and emotional closeness. They may struggle to express emotions and downplay the importance of relationships.
Speaker 2:You don't downplay nothing in this relationship. You don't struggle to show no emotions around here. You said don't show emotions, you don't downplay nothing in this relationship, you don't show no emotions around here. You said I don't show emotions, you don't struggle to show them.
Speaker 1:Okay, so I guess for me, when I read that, I think about it also in terms of how it relates with you and how I can be, especially during an argument or a disagreement.
Speaker 2:It's an argument, I'm not talking about during times of argument.
Speaker 1:Well, that that that's, that's what I'm, that's what I kind of like think about in reference to you know, for for me personally, like, if we're having a disagreement, how does that show up for me? If we're not on the same page or something, what are my initial reactions? Okay, okay. So that's why I was saying avoid it, because I feel as though sometimes I can express some of that description in those moments, in those given moments.
Speaker 2:I feel like we probably all have a little bit of each description. We just lean heavily towards others, mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:So what would you say from your interactions with me? How would you describe my attachment? Like which attachment do you think I would fall under from your experience of me and my behavioral traits?
Speaker 2:Honestly, I would say you're probably a little bit of the first one.
Speaker 1:The first one, secure, yes.
Speaker 2:More so than the other ones to me. I don't think really the other ones you really have fairly remember. I remember so bad.
Speaker 1:The first one is secure, secure. The second one is anxious you're not anxious number three is avoidant and number four is fearful, avoidant. I don't think you're fearful, avoidant or avoidant okay, so you think I'm number one. Secure I think you're more secure, so you think that I feel more comfortable with intimacy and closeness and in maintaining my independence. I do agree with that part, trusting others.
Speaker 1:You're very trustworthy, Managing conflict effectively and have a healthy emotional regulation. Yeah, that's you. Okay, I mean I don't disagree with you, know some of that you can't, because you fit in there.
Speaker 1:Okay, goodbye. So when we're talking about the emotional or the relationship attachment, from what I have gathered, a lot of this comes from what has stemmed in our childhood and what it looked like in our childhood. It doesn't everything. That's why therapy always starts with the childhood. So if you're saying that, you see me more as secure attachment, according to behavioral therapists, they say the parental behavior behind that are that caregivers were consistently responsive, attentive and nurturing, meeting all of the child's needs in a predictable manner. The impact that it would have had on the child is that the child develops trust and a sense of security, believing the world is safe and relationships are dependable.
Speaker 2:And I think you have that to some degree.
Speaker 1:To some degree? What degree?
Speaker 2:With your mother.
Speaker 1:No, I mean. I mean like, in what aspect of this do you think that I have?
Speaker 2:Because you grew up. You grew up well. You grew up in a household where you always had the things you needed. You may not always had everything you wanted but you always had everything you needed, right.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And even when there was things you wanted, there were, ways were made for you to get them. And then I show up and just made it better. And now you're spoiled. No comment. Now you're spoiled, I'm not spoiled. You're very spoiled.
Speaker 1:I'm not spoiled, but in the sense of the dependability, and then you saying that I'm spoiled, excuse me, I depend on people's actions and sometimes their words. So if you tell me something is going to get done, I'm going to depend on that, I'm going to expect that.
Speaker 2:That's why there's so many times, I'm not going to do anything.
Speaker 1:Right, and that's why I always preach to you do not over, over over.
Speaker 2:I don't agree to nothing.
Speaker 1:Right, because I would hate, hate, for you to tell me something and then deliver less it's I, my brain, my brain gets all like Cattywampus. What Cattywampus? Yeah, it gets all, especially when it's from people that I have deemed to be dependable in my life. When it's from people that I have deemed to be dependable in my life, if it's like an acquaintance or something like that, I don't think you know, I'll take it with a grain of salt, like, if you're like, oh no, I'll be back Friday to pick it up, I'm like, oh, all right, yeah, like whatever. But if you tell me like, oh yeah, we're going to go do this on Friday morning at 10 o'clock, friday morning, at 10 o'clock, at 930.
Speaker 2:Ready to go?
Speaker 1:I expect it, and then, if it doesn't happen, I'm just like, here we go, hear the claw, like I only know how to.
Speaker 2:Well, we were supposed to. You said I don't know what happened, because we had a plan, maurice, and here you come changing the plan. Because we had a plan, maurice, and here you come changing the plan.
Speaker 1:Here you come, prime example Earlier today. Right, we're not talking about me today. No, he don't want me to bring that one out, because we made a plan First of all, last week he had came up with this schedule when we needed to sit down, take care of our business, record, do all of those things. Ok, we were supposed to take care of all this yesterday. Then he comes and last night he was like you know what, we're just going to go ahead and do it tomorrow. I'm like, ok, great, we're going to do it after the gym. I'm like, ok, great, we go, we work out, we don't have time Sitting in the car. Like you know what, we'll just go ahead and we'll do it, we'll record and stuff tonight. Okay, perfect, that's great.
Speaker 1:I go home, I get a shower I'm thinking I got a little downtime to kind of relax. My foot was hurting. He pops his head in from his office and he's like hey, get ready, we're going to record in 30 minutes. No, no, we're not, because you've already said that we're going to record tonight. You don't get to just come back and say, hey, we're doing this now.
Speaker 2:It's hard to try to maximize a day because you know with the gym, you know we could be there an hour, we could be there three hours. We never know. It's whatever we feel on that day. We never know.
Speaker 1:It depends on how great the games are on the day. So I was like you know what?
Speaker 2:We got extra.
Speaker 1:We got about two and a half hours before we got to go get her and this is the perfect time to get it in. Yeah, but my mind was already prepared for.
Speaker 2:So which one of these do you think I am?
Speaker 1:My experience of you, I say that you're anxious and preoccupied, that one is an individual that are often overly concerned with relationships, seeking constant reassurance and fearing abandonment. They may appear clingy or overly dependent.
Speaker 2:I don't think I'm overly dependent of you.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:I can't be clingy.
Speaker 1:No, I can't be. I can't be, you are.
Speaker 2:I can't be clingy.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Right, I don't think you're going to abandon me, but you know.
Speaker 1:I don't Okay. Do you not think that I and I don't need reassurance?
Speaker 2:That's not true. I like reassurance, but I don't need it. You don't give it often.
Speaker 1:So that's really. You're constantly seeking not, I don't want to say seeking, I don't want to say seeking approval't want to say seeking approval. Give me three, but always kind of making sure that I'm either in agreeance, or that I see what you, what you've done, or that I'm reassuring to you what the act, the course of action that you've decided to take. You do that quite often.
Speaker 1:Demar, tell me, quite tell me and during disagreements, give me three examples During disagreements for me, my experience of you you take on this kind of like tone or just this vibe about yourself. Where you're. If I tell you like hey, like I just need to separate for a second, or like you know, this is this, is this is it. For me, this is my last draw, it's kind of like okay, is this it? Or you know, like are we going to be able to talk about this? Or you act like I'll say like.
Speaker 2:is it like we breaking up? You have one time.
Speaker 1:Listen, okay, see, but he doesn't do it. But he doesn't do it. That happened one time in high school. It happened more than once In high school. It happened more than once and it wasn't Okay once in high school. It's happened in adulthood.
Speaker 2:You know what, If you want to be free, be free. Fly, little birdie, fly. Fly, little birdie fly.
Speaker 1:Really, is that really how you feel? Because that's, that's not what you say behind closed doors.
Speaker 2:I don't want, so don't front for the people look here, I don't want you to leave don't front for the people but if you don't want to be here, I'm not going to keep you here, but I'm just saying my experience of you.
Speaker 1:If I had to place you in an attachment style, that's the style that I would place you in one of the styles I would place you in an attachment style. That's the style that I would place you in, one of the styles I would place you in. I wouldn't say that's the only style, because obviously you do fit.
Speaker 2:Like I said at the top of the episode, y'all.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:This is something she wanted to pile on me. I'm going to let her pile on me. She like that? Go ahead, I'm not piling on you. What other styles would you put me in? Go ahead, let's deep dive into how you diagnosed me today.
Speaker 1:I didn't diagnose you with anything, I'm just saying my experience of you, my experience of you is preoccupied or anxious attachment. And then I would probably say a little bit of one as well, secure, secure. A little bit of one as well, secure, secure, uh-huh, a little bit of one. What else? Probably just those two. You said you would categorize yourself as one of four. So, and I say I would categorize you as one and two because you capping, because I'm capping on what? Okay, no, tell me, explain, you can't just be like because you're capping.
Speaker 2:and then leave it alone. I don't have a fear of abandonment with you.
Speaker 1:What do you have? A fear of abandonment? Then I've been abandoned.
Speaker 2:I was abandoned as a kid, so I feel like I do have that. That's part of my therapy actually, okay.
Speaker 1:Right, I know, right, I know, but I don't have that with you.
Speaker 2:That's what I'm saying. If you want to leave, you can leave. That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:Like I'm not holding you here, like if you can find better which you probably can go get them that comment, what, which you probably can, I've been telling people for years I'm the one holding you back, you the one got the degrees, since you got your degrees and you know every good thing.
Speaker 2:Look here, man. I am just a man who was broken as a boy and trying to find his way back to the top, and I understand that. I've held you back in many periods of our lives and that's why I say I know I've held you back. You probably be a lot further along in life without me.
Speaker 1:I think I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be in life and I think that for, I mean, majority of people, you're exactly where you're supposed to be, you're exactly where you are.
Speaker 2:I don't know if you're supposed to be here.
Speaker 1:I ain't supposed to be here. If I wasn't supposed to be here, then I wouldn't be here I mean, if you would have left, probably would have been better. Like what.
Speaker 2:I don't know, could have married you a white man. Okay, I've been driving around in your Sequoia.
Speaker 1:I don't even know why I bother with you sometimes. I don't even know why I bother with you sometimes. I don't even know why I bother with you sometimes Because I can never get a serious moment out of him anyway.
Speaker 2:I'm being serious right now. I can never get a serious moment out of him, if you want to leave.
Speaker 1:There go the dough Really.
Speaker 2:There go the dough.
Speaker 1:Okay, so as far as conflict, during conflict and interaction which do you avoid?
Speaker 2:I try to avoid conflict. I don't like conflict.
Speaker 1:Okay, nobody likes conflict. I don't like conflict, but how do you think you handle?
Speaker 2:it. Hold on. Let me say this Because I'm looking at all this through relationship eyes.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Right. So when it comes to conflict, I try to avoid conflict with you. I don't like when we argue. I don't like when we're tittin and tattin.
Speaker 1:Mm, hmm.
Speaker 2:Go ahead. So I try to avoid that Right and I try to delay that as much as possible or try to find ways to smooth things over as quick as possible. I don't like conflict Now outside of our marriage and our relationship dynamic. If you bring me, I'm not out here looking for smoke, but I'm not running from smoke. So if you bring it, I'm going to match the energy.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Do you think that's conducive? Do you think that's a response, a trigger?
Speaker 2:It is a trigger, it is a response. A trigger, it is a trigger, it is a response.
Speaker 1:Because, because, how do things get to a calm ground if you're matching the same energy?
Speaker 2:Oh, once they know they can't play with me, then they back up.
Speaker 1:So you mean like outside of us yeah, I'm not talking about us, okay.
Speaker 2:When it comes to us. I try to always remove myself when I'm at the tip of my anger, because that is generally when I say and do things I'm going to regret because I'm operating out of a space of hurt and self-preservation right, okay. So when we're dealing with conflict with us, I try to kind of calm down and then come back, go back and then get to a point where we can have an open, honest conversation and I can actually receive what you're saying. Okay, right, or I'm not talking to you with my shields up. I need to be able to receive, and I would like to think that you do the same and we have very good, constructive conversations that lead to solutions.
Speaker 2:Sometimes, Sometimes we disagree that we're not going to agree.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's what I was just going to say. I was going to say sometimes we can't come to a resolution Right, and we just have to just let it be what it's going to be, because you're not going to see it my way, I'm not going to see it Right, and we just have to just let it be what it's gonna be, because you're not gonna see it my way, I'm not gonna see it your way, even though it's correct like 98% of the time. But I mean, he always has to come back and be like you know what, babe, you was right, damn she was right Damn, you was right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so when it comes to In my late 30s.
Speaker 2:I've said you're right a lot, oh you know, and I can tell if I start listening to you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'll wait for that.
Speaker 2:Sometimes, when you talk, it just sounds like a mouse.
Speaker 1:With the avoid it.
Speaker 2:You said that's what you kind of deal with a little bit when it's in conflict with me, because you don't want to say something out of anger. I just don't want to deal with the conflict.
Speaker 1:I just avoid it right. So the parental behavior behind that is that caregivers were a source of fear or harm. So I'm black, possibly through abuse, neglect or trauma I got beat. Alternative caregivers exhibited erratic behavior due to their own unresolved issues.
Speaker 2:I don't know if it's erratic, but I got beat the impact on the child is that the child experienced a conflict between seeking comfort and avoiding harm.
Speaker 1:That's me Leading to confusion and fear in relationships.
Speaker 2:I wasn't confused.
Speaker 1:Leading to confusion and fear in relationships.
Speaker 2:I wasn't confused, leading to confusion and fear in relationships. Oh relationships, I'm not scared of you. I'll fight you.
Speaker 1:Because all of this pretty much talks about the basis of the formative years and how we're shaped and how that shows up as adults when we're in relation with other adults in an intimate setting. Right, I mean at the end of the day it doesn't matter what the relationship is.
Speaker 2:It's just two people doing the best they can, trying to make it work, to try to make it work and heal the inner child inside of them. That's really all it is. And when you understand that, that's the part.
Speaker 1:That's what I was going to say, not everybody understands.
Speaker 2:When you start to understand that, you start to develop the space and the mindset and the ability to give your partner more grace, because you understand that while they're bringing a problem to you or they're bringing conflict to you, there's also inner conflict that they're reacting to, that something has triggered them and it's triggered a childhood response from them.
Speaker 1:It's an emotional response.
Speaker 2:Right, because a lot of people have not and will not do the work to heal the child, but the thing is, they're always in a protection mode.
Speaker 1:But people. I think what it is is that people don't understand or recognize that there is a part of them quote unquote the inner child that needs to be healed. Right when we become adults, it's the struggles that we have. It's hard to think about why we have these struggles. Right, if you have a struggle with drugs, or if you have a struggle with eating, if you have a struggle with drinking, if you have a struggle with being a people pleaser, all of that stems from somewhere, which is why, when you start counseling or therapy, the first thing they talk about are the formative years. They talk about the ages between like five and seven, seven and nine, because those are the years that shaped you as who you like, the building blocks that you're going to build on as you become a young adult and as you become an adult.
Speaker 1:Right when you're in the space of being a child, all you're going off of are the things that you have around you, like the adults in your life, the caregivers in your life, the mentors you have in your life. You're seeing how these people operate. You're seeing how they interact with other people. You're seeing how they talk to other people, and then that's how they start to form, like you know, in a child's mind. It's like, okay, if I behave this way, this is the result that I get If I talk this way. This is the result I get If I do this.
Speaker 1:Then you know, dad doesn't like this. So then that causes me to try to retract. Or I'm not gonna cry as much because I know that every time I do it upsets him, or I'm not gonna, you know, not perform, because when I do, then this is the reaction that I get from my parents. All of that is shaping your brain and it's shaping it in a way in how you react to people in the world around you. So when you get into a relationship and it's like you don't understand why you have a partner who is combative, or you don't have. You have a partner who just instantly is defensive, or they feel they've done nothing wrong, or they have narcissistic tendencies. It's like all of that stems from somewhere. Yeah, and it usually started with how you were shaped and developed in your early childhood days.
Speaker 2:Okay, yes, I agree, but everyone needs to recognize that, recognize and understand that.
Speaker 1:And want to be able to fix and heal that. I can have instances where if I'm, if I'm really upset, or you've done something that really just I just don't agree with, or you've pissed me off or something, I instantly get into the mode of I'm just going to take it on myself and I'm going to show them how it's done. You know, like, where does that? When did that start Really? When did when did you try to be funny right now? When did when did You're trying to be funny right now? When did that start? But it Cause you Vietalina smoker. Good, you know what? I'm not trying to learn how to barbecue. You ain't let it grill. But I know that that stems from somewhere. Right, I know, I know that that comes from something. When I feel like I'm not stable, if I'm not secure or something, then in my mind it's like I have to take it into my own hands. I have to take it into my own hands and I just have to do that.
Speaker 2:How has that worked for?
Speaker 1:you. In most instances, it's worked quite fine. When yes, In most instances it's worked quite fine, it didn't feel heavy. Can you stop touching my leg? It didn't feel heavy. You're my wife.
Speaker 2:I don't want you to touch my leg.
Speaker 1:Remember how you didn't want me to touch you last time. Don't touch me, thank you.
Speaker 2:I'm done.
Speaker 1:I have nothing else to say this is bad. So you know, I think it's important to recognize where your defense mechanisms come from when you're in relationship with your partner, the way you are with your partner. I think it's important to kind of recognize where all those little characteristics about yourself, where it comes from, and usually eight times out of 10, I'm not saying nine, nine, nine times out of 10, eight times out of 10, um, through talk, therapy and things like that, when you start, when they start pushing on those pressure points and you start going back.
Speaker 2:Things start to click.
Speaker 1:It's the craziest thing Start to click. It's the craziest thing Things start to click and then you start putting two and two together and you're like, damn, that's why I behave this way, because when I was a kid, my mom used to do this and it made me feel this way. Because when I was a kid, my mom used to do this and it made me feel this way. And I recognize that emotion when I'm with my partner and I get the same exact emotion and it comes from because my mama used to do that shit to me.
Speaker 2:At the core, at our core, we are nothing but children, using the same defense mechanisms that we develop as kids in our adult life. Right, that's why.
Speaker 1:I always say the tragedy of childhood is just growing up. Yeah, and when you think about it, we're all actually just, we're still just little children, just in older bodies. Right, that's all it is. Heavier bodies, older, heavier, whatever. And now we're expected to just know the ways of life.
Speaker 2:Well, and bring other life into the world. It's like. It's like the comedian said when you're 18, you're adult.
Speaker 1:Just they just put you out there they just throw you out there like you know no life experience, no, nothing. But you're considered to be an adult and you're supposed to. That's why I always find it funny, in hindsight too, um, when, for instance, you know you want them to choose a career path at 18. Which is wild, and they have no life experience. They haven't been out in the world to experience anything, to really know the things that they want to do or like. Now, yes, don't get me wrong, you do have some kids who are like no, I'm adamant, I know I want to be a doctor. I know I'm adamant, I know I want to be a doctor, I know I'm adamant, I want to be a lawyer, blah, blah, blah. But I also went to college with a lot of people who changed their majors three years in because they soon realized what I did. They soon realized this is not what I want.
Speaker 2:Like, wait a minute, because you have you have different motives and different things that drive you at 18. That may not drive you at 21. Yeah, that may not drive you at 25.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Well, you're also still coming off of the environment that you've been in, which is the expectations of other people, which is your parents. There's a little bit of like trying to please the parents. There's a little, you know, there's a little bit of trying to please the parents.
Speaker 1:There's a little bit of everything like that, but you haven't had the chance to really get out there and see what it is you like what it is you don't like. Do you even like people? There's a reason why you spent all your time in your room Because you don't really like people like that.
Speaker 2:I like about six people.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean really like people like that. I like about six people, so you know what I mean. Like what career path?
Speaker 2:can I take where I can avoid people. Right that, and that's exactly why that work from home is so popular because people don't even want to engage. I don't have to deal with sharing our bob at the water really fountain really at the water fountain?
Speaker 1:no one. Who's drinking at the? What listen, listen, unless you playing at the park or something, and even then that's a stretch. Who's drinking at the water fountain? Only the children will say the water at home.
Speaker 2:I ain't gotta deal with none of these people. I'm working in from inside my home and it's safe. That's the one thing I said I liked about my remember, even when I told you when I, when I first started my job, where I am now, I said the one thing I said I liked about my remember. I told you when I first started my job, where I am now. I said the one thing I like about it is that I don't have to deal with no body.
Speaker 1:You don't have to deal with a lot of people. Yeah, See, and I'm the opposite. I'm the opposite. I enjoy dealing with people. I enjoy talking to the public. I enjoy connection. I enjoy learning something new about somebody. I enjoy learning something new about somebody. I enjoy conversation. That's just me. And him on the other hand, he's like nah, like, if you say more than 10 words to me, it's going to be a hard no, no, you can say more than 10 words, but the first 10 words got to draw me in.
Speaker 2:It got to be something.
Speaker 1:This is not an Instagram reel.
Speaker 2:The first 10 seconds, if you ain't got me in a hook yell out you gotta engage a conversation that I'm interested in or I'm like, okay yeah, that's cool, but if it's work, don't talk to me, send a message, I'll reply when I feel like it.
Speaker 1:Bye see, and I think I feel like I'm the opposite at home, though, yeah, you don't want to be bothered, I don't want to be I think I gave away, like all my you did all my uh chattering when I'm out in the world I've been saying that for years and then I come home and I'm like, okay, guys, guys I used to pick this woman up from work or go take her to lunch or whatever, and I would see how she would interact and I'd be like I don't even get 10%.
Speaker 1:That is not true.
Speaker 2:I don't get 10% of this. This person right here who her co-workers knew. I don't know this person yeah, she do. The person and her friends no, I don't know who this person is. Of course you do. No, I don't know who this person is. Of course you do. No, I don't. Yeah, you do. I get direct answers.
Speaker 1:She ain't saying more than what she got to say you feel like I handle you like an employee or something. Right, you do, but you just said that I was really nice.
Speaker 2:You handle me like I'm your employee and you about to give me a bad evaluation. My performance review was not at the par.
Speaker 1:I always gave cheerful, even if you got a poor evaluation. It was still cheerful Because I wanted you to walk away feeling inspired to go get it.
Speaker 2:To be better, I feel, inspired to leave you alone.
Speaker 1:Well, sometimes that is the goal. Like what was it today, when you walked into the room and I gave you a look and you threw your hands up and you're like and I'm leaving, I'm gone, I'm not putting, I'm not gonna put up with this, I was like I just I just want to focus on what I'm focusing on right now, I don't. Yeah, I appreciate you keep the energy.
Speaker 1:Just don't want to focus on that right now, um, but yeah, so in all, that's why I was like I think this would be interesting to get your perspective about the attachment styles.
Speaker 2:You just want to tell me about myself.
Speaker 1:I didn't say anything about you. I don't understand where you're getting this from. What did I say about you? What did I say about you? Tell me what did I say. I always say that you're amazing, I love you, you're a hard worker.
Speaker 2:Cap Big blue.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Anywho Capity cap.
Speaker 1:I'm done with you. I'm done with you. I'm just going to go right on into our two cents.
Speaker 2:Our two cents.
Speaker 1:Our two cents Trash. Okay, here we go. So am I the asshole for telling my wife she owes me an apology for these last seven years of marriage. I'm 32 and my wife is 32. We dated in high school and got married seven years ago.
Speaker 1:My wife has always been a scatterbrain. Before marriage she was always misplacing things and leaving everything half finished. She was chronically late, had clutter all over the living space and would get bursts of frustration about the mess, which would lead to hyperactivity and to not really doing anything conducive towards a solution. I love her anyway, but at times it was tiring. I saw past this because I knew she was the woman that I wanted to marry and we got married when we were 25. Unfortunately, a lot of the problems that she had seemingly accelerated after marriage. We purchased a larger house because she's obsessed with quote unquote storage space, but this has essentially meant two bedrooms are no go zones for me. They're simply full of her clutter. Once they were full, she started leaving things in my office which I would have to move to not trip over.
Speaker 1:I tried to convince her for years to get diagnosed with ADHD and to start treatment, but she had a really negative view of ADHD. She viewed it similarly to how she views schizophrenia and psychosis. Not that there's anything wrong with these conditions, but she believes that there is. A couple of months ago she had a girl's night out and she came home telling me that she might have ADHD. I mean, I had been telling her that for years until she decided that she would have a meltdown every time I brought up the ADHD conversation. I first figured it was because she was 30 minutes late and it caused an issue with her friend. But no, she described her frustrations to her friends and one of them told her that she might have ADHD.
Speaker 1:A bit of a side note, but when I said it it was the worst insult imaginable to her. But when I said it, it was the worst insult imaginable to her. When her friend says it, it was a helpful commentary. Well, my wife finally got herself diagnosed. The day before yesterday she came home from the doctors talking about how it explained everything. I responded that I felt that I was old in apology. She was initially confused, but I reported that if she had actually addressed this when I asked her all those years, I wouldn't have had to live with the constant stress of the chronic tiredness, clutter, emotional outbursts and so on. She responded by shrieking at me and now she's refusing to even say a word. I feel like I have may taken it too far, but were my words toward her justified?
Speaker 2:Your words were justified because you've been telling her for a while, but she did the typical relationship thing where words sound different.
Speaker 1:When you hear them from other people. When you hear them from other people, you do it all the time. Okay, calm down.
Speaker 2:Amber's talking about you. It's just sometimes the things. Sometimes bad news is just bad news. It's just easier to digest from someone you're not emotionally involved in. Right so to to that part I would say maybe you do deserve an apology. Will she give it to you? Probably not. I say take the win, at least. Now she's diagnosed.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and getting help Right, take the win and if you love this woman, you cherish your time in the past seven years, or since high school. Whatever the case may be, it hasn't been a waste because you've been enjoying somewhat of life. When it started off, I thought she would just be a really bad hoarder.
Speaker 1:It was everything across the board. But my thing is, why does it have to be that? I told you so? Like, I get the frustration. He's been trying to say this for years. Like, babe, I really think you should get checked out for ADHD, because you know all this isn't normal, you know. And then she hears it from somebody else.
Speaker 1:I personally know how frustrating it is for your partner to come to you with something you've already said to them and then they come to you like it's a new idea, they've heard um, so I get that part. But she went to the doctor, she got diagnosed, she's getting help, things are making sense for her. Hopefully they're on a path where things will get better, instead of saying, oh yeah, you owe me an apology, you know, keep it in your head or something I don't know. But maybe just you know, babe, I'm so happy that you finally got the help, I'm so happy that we're on a road to recovery.
Speaker 1:I'm so you know, like, how can I help you in this recovery? What is it that I can do to aid in the recovery? It doesn't necessarily have to be I told you so, because that's basically what he's saying. Like, I told you so, like, if you would just listen, right, but you didn't listen to me, but you wouldn't get the response that you were expecting, which I kind of feel like you would expect to probably not get that response. And now you started a whole disagreement and argument in your house.
Speaker 1:that's not even necessary it wasn't necessary to you okay, whatever, the whole point is that he wanted his wife to get help, right, right, wasn't that the point he want? Because he her getting help also makes his life better right you dropped my phone um her. Getting help also makes his life better, so therefore he might get those two extra bedrooms back, he might get a tidier home, he might get a wife that's less tired.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean I was kind of hoping there were some kids in there to kind of justify the clutter it is.
Speaker 1:No, it was part of her ADHD. That's what he was saying. That's what he's saying. Over the past seven years, he's pretty much clocked it. I don't think he's an asshole.
Speaker 2:No, I don't think he's an asshole. No, I don't think he's an asshole at all. Um, I don't. But I also don't think you necessarily need an apology.
Speaker 1:No, so it was literally. Him asking for the apology is quite literally saying I told you, so I mean you're good and I want you, I want you to validate. You're good at that.
Speaker 2:I want you to validate but you always have to validate each other's feelings well, but in this case, huh.
Speaker 1:so there are situations where that's why I said I don't disagree with him, or like I get what he's saying.
Speaker 2:So should she validate his feelings by apologizing?
Speaker 1:That's not validating his feelings. Maybe for him it is that's not validating his feelings. But whatever, if you're not doing so already, you already know what I'm going to say, because this has been another episode of Life After I Do podcast, so you can follow, like, share, comment, all of the above on all of our social media platforms.
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Speaker 1:Look at God. Won't he do it, won't he do it, won't he will. So new episodes drop every Wednesday. You get reaction videos on Mondays.
Speaker 2:Mondays.
Speaker 1:And until then, guys, Peace booskies. We love y'all Peace.
