Life After I Do Podcast
Marriage and relationships can be tough. You may feel like you’re the only one struggling but you’re not. Life After I do is a weekly podcast where Morice and Kynesha, a black married millennial couple, share their experiences and advice on everything from kids and family to intimacy and connection. Noting is off limits.
In their 21 years together and 7 years of marriage, Morice and Kynesha have learned a lot about what it takes to make a relationship work. They know the importance of communication, trust and commitment. They also know it’s okay to not have it all figured out.
Join them every Wednesday as they talk about their own journey of “Life After I do”.
Life After I Do Podcast
Our 2 Cents Vol. 11
In this installment of Our 2 Cents, we dive into the complexities of financial responsibility in marriage, inspired by a fiery "Am I the Asshole" scenario about balancing sabbaticals and financial burdens. Alongside this serious exploration, we discuss weight changes in relationships, emphasizing compassion and communication. Lightening the mood, we tackle the chaos of family dinner dynamics with humor and relatable banter. Join us for a perfect blend of laughs, insights, and heartfelt dialogue about life, love, and family.
The one thing you don't want to do is try to shame her.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because that's not going to, because when you shame her.
Speaker 1:She's just going to?
Speaker 2:She's not going to move, she's just going to close herself off. Yeah, she's not going to move. I love everything you said. That's nail on the head. Hey, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Life After I Do. I'm your host, nisha G, and I'm here with my co-host.
Speaker 1:Your former husband oh, and I, oh, molito.
Speaker 2:Hey Busky, hi former husband.
Speaker 1:Former husband.
Speaker 2:Why Tell the people why you will now be referred to as my former husband? Because you want to be the man around here. Oh my gosh, I don't want to be the man around here. Oh my gosh, I don't want to be the man around here.
Speaker 1:I don't want to be in a.
Speaker 2:The same sex relationship. Right Bye DeMille, You're so ridiculous. So he's saying that because, like we have mentioned, we both have been in the gym, right Uh-huh? And I think I have said this before that you know, last year I was with a trainer and I was working on my power lifting, because I like power lifting.
Speaker 1:So I like to lift.
Speaker 2:She's not going to be strong I like to lift a lot of weight okay, or as much weight as I can lift, and so my husband and I have recently been back in the gym and you've been doing amazeballs.
Speaker 1:I've been going harder than you.
Speaker 2:Yes, I wouldn't say that, but you've been doing really, really well. No, you probably have been going harder than me, I'll admit, but you've been doing really good. You've been doing good, thank you, but you've been doing really really good and you're looking amazing. But anyway, he says the whole he. You know, I'm trying to take over being the man because we did our in bodies.
Speaker 2:For those of you who don't know what an in body is. It's one of those little like machines. It's a full body scan where they, like measure your muscle mass, your fat, your visceral fat, your all your matrix, all your skeletal matrix, so it breaks it down with your water and everything in your weight right and your fat mass. And so our results came back. And it came back that I have 100. Well, okay, 99.4. Sorry, let me be exact, I'm 99.4. What is it Percent? Do they break it down?
Speaker 1:It's like a percent for mass. No, yeah, 99.4 pounds.
Speaker 2:Yes, of skeletal muscle mass. Yes, I'm 99.4. Which?
Speaker 1:is crazy because you're short.
Speaker 2:I'm 99.4 skeletal muscle mass, so for my age and my height I carry quite a bit of muscle. My numbers were high too, and his numbers. His numbers were high too. He was in the 90s 94.6. 94.
Speaker 1:So if she wanted to be the man that day, oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:So he tells me this morning Kynesha, you cannot be stronger than me. I refuse to let you be stronger than me, I refuse. I don't even want to be a power lifter, but in all fairness, I don't even want to be a power lifter, but now I got to be.
Speaker 1:Oh gosh.
Speaker 2:Okay, that's ridiculous, maurice. Now.
Speaker 1:I got to be.
Speaker 2:You're not even interested in the sport I'm not but you're not going to be stronger than me Now I got you.
Speaker 1:But when the guy did it, he.
Speaker 2:I don't think he was expecting it.
Speaker 1:I'm doing straight strength training. I'm not trying to cut weights no more.
Speaker 2:I'm about to go the opposite direction, though I'm not trying to lose another pound.
Speaker 1:I'm trying to do nothing but gain muscle. I'm about to double my carb intake. I'm about to double my protein intake.
Speaker 2:I'm about to double my calorie intake.
Speaker 1:I'm about to consume food to feed your muscles like I'm training for Mr Olympia. I can't and.
Speaker 2:Like I'm training for Mr Olympia?
Speaker 1:I can't. And now I'm going to push hard.
Speaker 2:In all fairness, though, in all fairness, though, I'm just playing, I'm not doing that.
Speaker 1:I think, another contributing factor to that also is it's because you have a uterus that's more muscle.
Speaker 2:That's not. That has nothing.
Speaker 1:You have more. You know, you have extra organs that require muscle. Here we go. That I don't have, okay, you know, because there's no muscle. And you know my uh, my, my uh my strotum sack.
Speaker 2:There's no muscle there, you know it's just, it's just wasted space.
Speaker 1:That's probably just got fat around it, okay, I mean? And obviously your uterus is larger than my member, so oh my, you know so whatever you have to do to ease your mind because then you got plus your fallopian tubes.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:Those are probably muscle too.
Speaker 2:So, bruce, that's literally not how that works. I don't know. That's literally not how that works.
Speaker 1:I don't know how it works, I just know I'll be in there.
Speaker 2:Right, but you're doing great and you have a good amount of muscle. But he was really surprised when he printed my stuff out.
Speaker 1:I'm still stronger, it don't matter, you are.
Speaker 2:You are.
Speaker 1:You are, I will always be stronger than you. You will always be stronger than me, and the day that you're stronger than me, I'm just going to shoot you.
Speaker 2:Wow, I'm happy I got that recorded though. Yeah, record it. I'm happy that's on tape.
Speaker 1:You're going to start getting random injuries, so you can is.
Speaker 2:You know, the tongue is a powerful, a powerful thing. So if you could not put that out there, because my wrists are already hurting.
Speaker 1:I was just thinking right now, so I don't have to say that, because between your wrists and your heels you can take yourself.
Speaker 2:I will say okay. So today at the gym, I, when I went to the gym today, like let's get into our weeks, when I went to the gym today I was waiting for the. What is it? Is it that the row? Is that the row, the one where we sit down? Yeah, that's probably it. Okay, the row machine. And so this guy was sitting there and he probably did like four sets and he had a 45 plate and a 25 plate Lightweight.
Speaker 2:And so he was going, but, like you could see, like on his face, you know, and that's where I start at. So, like when he was done with his sets, I hurried up and went over and I was just like, okay, it's already set up, the only thing I had to do was adjust the seat. But he started, he went to the weight rack, like right in front of me, like right in front of me but a little off to the right, and so I didn't take the weights off and so he, I could see him. He looked back and I'm like looking forward so I can see him out of like my peripheral, and he turns around and he looks, cause he's trying to see like if I'm gonna take the weight off, and I'm like I'm not gonna take the weight off. So I warmed up, basically like with what he had on there, and so then I can see him. He's going over there.
Speaker 2:He's like you know, doing his whatever with the weight bitch, and so then, um, going towards my last sets, I was like. I was like I pretty sure that when I work out with you, I do the 245 plates. So I was like, okay, let me go ahead. And so I looked at my tracker and I was like, sure enough, my tracker says that it was 245 plates. So I took the 25 plate off and I put 245 plates on each side on there and I went to go into it.
Speaker 2:And then I caught him at the corner of my eye and he was looking at me like this bitch and I refused to be him so at first I was I had, I thought I was like should I just do one more set because I wanted to see if I could do the two plates and add like the 25, like just you know, just to see, even with good form even, even if I could, just if I could just like crank out just one or two, you know.
Speaker 2:But I was like I don't want to overdo it because I still had lat raises to do and I didn't want to be tired from my lat raises or no.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I didn't want to, you know be tired for that and I was going to tell you. See, I was going to tell you, press my dumbbells. And when I picked up the 40s, there was a guy behind me and he looked at me like I'm sorry. I picked up the 70s and he looked at me like like what the heck?
Speaker 1:Because I had already did like the 65s for 12. I was like, let me try to go up. And he's like he said, and I was like, bro, just do your 45s over there, right, don't mind, don't mind me, like I'm proud of you, even with the, even with the hammers, like I did and the guy that was standing next to me had the 40s and he was, like you know, getting it.
Speaker 1:He was like trying to hold it and I picked up the 45s and I was like like trying to get it, but but sometimes, like I'm not finna, get into all fitness stuff.
Speaker 2:No, I'm just saying, I know, I know like for me sometimes too, even when I'm like going lighter so that I can do more reps.
Speaker 1:Yeah for intensity.
Speaker 2:Yeah for intensity.
Speaker 1:So I mean, I'm not trying to compare myself, but I'm just saying Honestly, you go lighter for intensity and for like for form.
Speaker 2:Well, not necessarily intensity, but yeah.
Speaker 1:For form, for muscle growth. But I mean, my thing is like trying to make sure my form is good, as good as possible.
Speaker 2:It doesn't matter how. Wow, really, really, we're not going to talk about somebody with bad form. I, I have been telling you your form has been off for how long, and then when you ask your, your trainer, your, your guy you're working with, and then you sent him video and he gives you the exact same feedback that I gave you I'm not saying I'm not saying that my form is like perfect and I'm not saying like you know, but I can I can see when you was, when you were struggling, and I was like hey, babe, that's not a controlled oh, I didn't even get to tell my week because you're too busy talking.
Speaker 1:Trying to talk about me either.
Speaker 2:you're the one who started with saying I was the man. Yeah, you want to be Okay. How was your week, Damel?
Speaker 1:My week was great. Oh my gosh, I was in the gym on Friday. I was getting it.
Speaker 2:He just said he wasn't going to talk about the gym, and then he went right back. I was listening to him saying.
Speaker 1:Then a text message Uh-huh, and I looked down on my phone and I said K-Dot done, dropped again, oh my gosh. And from that point on I've been yelling mustard.
Speaker 2:Yes, he's been so annoying. He's been so annoying. That's my boy. He just randomly walks around the house and yells mustard. So annoying. Turn the TV off mustard.
Speaker 1:Turn the tv off. Turn the tv off, but you know what's?
Speaker 2:funny shout out the k-dot that album was they updated? My workout playlist and one of the new songs, yes, is on my workout playlist and I was like I guess it's time to give it a give it a listen. Did, uh, did anything else ever happen with the whole Lil Wayne response, though for him, and in what context? Because I haven't listened to it, but in what context did he mention Wayne? Okay, was it like a shot?
Speaker 1:or was it like I'm gonna summarize this, because this is not what our podcast is about?
Speaker 2:okay, but we're recapping right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're recapping right. So, anyway, what happened was um. As you know, kendrick got the Super Bowl. Okay, the Super Bowl is in Louisiana. This year, it's in New Orleans.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Right. So it was outraged. People were saying Wayne should have got the Super Bowl, yada yada, yada, yada.
Speaker 2:Oh, because he's from Right.
Speaker 1:Wayne did make a statement. He appreciated the love and all that Right, whatever.
Speaker 2:Before, Before Kendrick said something Before Kendrick right.
Speaker 1:Okay, people are saying that Kendrick dissed Wayne because Kendrick responded to the whole thing. Kendrick said something along the lines of I used to bump the car to three growing up, something, something I forgot. Everything he said but it ends up with I guess I let little Wayne down, or no, something like that. I guess I let Wayne down, something like that, right. And then he goes on to say that pretty much out of all the people in the industry, the only person that congratulated him for getting the Super Bowl was Nas. So people were saying that the whole line of I guess I let Wayne down was him taking a shot at Wayne. And then Wayne was like what the fuck did I do?
Speaker 2:Right, I read his tweet. I read his tweet Right. I read his tweet.
Speaker 1:When it was like, and then somebody put up your tweet pretty much complaining about not getting the Super Bowl.
Speaker 2:Yeah. You know, so it is. I mean, based on how you're saying it, it doesn't sound like he was taking a shot at him. He wasn't. He didn't take a shot at nobody.
Speaker 1:He didn't take a shot at anybody, but he said the energy is f everybody. This man said I will cut my granny off if she don't see it my way.
Speaker 2:That's the energy, that's my energy, all 2025 he has set my granny off if she don't see it my way.
Speaker 1:He said everybody can get cut off, everybody. And he said, he said, he said. And then he responded to Cole by saying there may be more blood Because you know Cole had a line to him about. You know, my boys went back and forth and I got blood on me and so Kendra said there may be more blood. And then Drake over here, acting like he's not bothered where he's clearly bothered because he's balding.
Speaker 2:By Maurice. He's bothered. He's clearly bothered because he's balding.
Speaker 1:He's balding? No, I don't think so and to announce a tour that starts the same day as the Super Bowl, and then you're going to name the tour. I Need a Max Win Wow, Diabolical. Tell me you stress without telling me you stressed out. I can't.
Speaker 2:I'll have to listen to it. I haven't really listened to it.
Speaker 1:He ain't been bringing in money like he used to. He's still getting paid, don't think that he isn't, but here's the thing. All this stuff is so that they can get paid.
Speaker 2:This keeps y'all entertained and it keeps them paid.
Speaker 1:Look here, drake has not been able to put out music the way he normally puts out music.
Speaker 2:Oh goodness, drake know how to put on music, oh, goodness, drake, he ain't struggling though he ain't struggling, but he hurting, I don't think so.
Speaker 1:He got. He got. Drake is signed to a lot of people. He got a lot of bills to pay I still don't think he's hurting um.
Speaker 2:So, as you know, the beginning of the month this is the end of the month. Happy thanksgiving everybody thanksgiving to everybody. Yeah, I mean it's going.
Speaker 1:You guys only heard this day before. Thanks, yeah. By the time you hear this, I will be preparing to put myself in a food coma, because I only do it twice a year.
Speaker 2:I can't, but yeah, so you know it's one of our favorite episodes.
Speaker 1:What is that?
Speaker 2:It's an hour, two cents Hour, two cents Hour, two cents Hour, our two cents, our two cents, our two cents. Okay, don't have me to get, get to singing and get a whole record deal if you do, I'll get paid. Don't. Don't do that if you get a record deal, if you get a record deal you can be pregnant the month after you sign it wow then.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna take the kids and get my ward, okay goodbye, anywho.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so it is a hour two cents episode, so you know, let the entertainment begin begin are they now?
Speaker 1:I haven't heard any of these today no, you haven't these.
Speaker 2:You got something. Let me see, you got what you eat oh no, my beard has been tracking everything your beard traps everything it likes to hold on to things for later. You got it, especially like the protein shakes anyway, so I haven't heard anything.
Speaker 1:These will all be blind reactions by me, which most of my reactions are blind and uh some of them, some of them are blind.
Speaker 2:to me too, sometimes it's just like the, the header kind of gets me, and then I'll be like, okay, yeah, okay, so you ready, let's hop into our two cents All right, here we go.
Speaker 2:Am I the asshole for telling my wife that I will not cover her expenses if she quits her job? Not at all. I'm 36 and I've been married to my wife, who's 34, for five years, and we have a three-year-old son together. My wife finished med school and residency program and she has been a neurology specialist for four years. I have a management job that pays well, but my wife gets paid about 30% more than I do. Despite the pay gap, almost all of our son's expenses are covered by me and the bills are split evenly.
Speaker 2:Recently, my wife came up to me and talked about how she feels like she spent most of her adult life working on her career and has always been stressed by the workload that she now has, and she feels like she should get the fruits of her labor. Therefore, she wants to stop working for five years and spend her savings traveling, hiking, partying and buying herself expensive things, etc. I asked her if she has enough in savings to cover her half of the bills and she said she doesn't intend to cover any bills and will use her savings on herself. So she's basically asking me to cover all of our bills and our son's expenses while she spends her money on entertainment. I told her that if she did that, that I would be left with zero savings every month and basically living from paycheck to paycheck. She says she sees no problem in that and that I can work overtime if I need to.
Speaker 2:I was shocked by her answer. It made me question if she ever cared about me. She basically has no problem making me struggle while she uses her money for entertainment. So I told her that whether she stops working or not, it is her decision. But I will not cover her half of the bills. I won't burn myself covering the expenses of someone with a high paying job while she entertains herself, because I believe that that is extremely unfair towards me. I reminded her that I have been covering all of our son's expenses and half the bills despite the pay gap. So I have already been saving less. And now she wants to drain my savings and have me burn myself up so that she can entertain herself. Absolutely not. Now she is angry and ranting about how I don't appreciate her and the hard work she has been doing all her life. So Am I the asshole?
Speaker 2:no, she's selfish, oh, she's being very selfish I think her approach to it is very selfish. I feel like I can understand what she's trying to, what she's trying to say, but yes, I'm gonna have to. I know the approach is very selfish I get what she's saying.
Speaker 1:She what she's saying is that she's devoted the the greater part of her adult life to pursuing to be a doctor, which most doctors do.
Speaker 2:But you also knew what was ahead of you before you signed up for it.
Speaker 1:And now she's probably gotten to the point to where she feels like she didn't experience enough life in her 20s because she was so focused on her studies.
Speaker 2:And now here we are, going into our 40s.
Speaker 1:But now here you are, you're 34 with a three-year-old and you want to abandon your family to travel and do fun things. That's very irresponsible. Now let's flip that. Let's say, if he came to you and he said, hey, you know what, I want to stop working and just you know, I want to tour the country, go to.
Speaker 2:Europe have fun and your paychecks can cover everything and I want you to pay everything. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Had. You want him to be sympathetic to you, to your needs, when you're not being sympathetic to the family needs? And this is the issue that I have with this. I feel like she's not. While while she's part of the family unit, she's not for the family unit. In this instance, it's very selfish because she's. If she's willing to let you, if she's willing to let you go into debt and to stress yourself out, burn yourself out so that she can obtain a level of happiness, it's not worth it. She's willing to. If she's willing to sacrifice, she's willing to sacrifice her happy, I'm sorry. She's willing to sacrifice her family to attain what she thinks will make her happy. And she's not the one. And and in my opinion, when she goes out there and does that, she's gonna miss what she had at home yeah, I think maybe it possibly could be something like she's a what a neural specialist or something.
Speaker 2:she possibly just needs a damn break, like she probably just needs to really just take a sabbatical or something you know what I mean and just take some time off and step back and gain some perspective and breathe. And that doesn't have to require you spending up all your savings, abandoning your family, going off on hikes or anything like that.
Speaker 1:But I also think a couple of months is different from five years.
Speaker 2:But that's what, that's what I'm saying, no-transcript. Maybe she could just take a sabbatical for a year, or maybe she can take it for like six months or something like that, but just enough to step back and have a break, because in her profession, like like he said that she said she's been focused on her career practically since she graduated high school she's been while she was in high school.
Speaker 2:Right, she's been, that's been her path. So it's like she probably didn't do your typical college things because she had to study. She couldn't have a job because she was pre-med, like when you're when you're pre, up to my knowledge, when you're um a law student or a medical student.
Speaker 2:You can't even have a job because your focus needs to be your studies. You know what I mean. So now here we are. We're at 34. We have a husband, we have a home, we have a child, there's bills, and my life has just become. All I did was everything I needed to do to get the career. Now I have the career and I spend most of my time there, spend a little bit of the time at home with the husband and the kid and the house, and then the bills, and then we probably don't even take family vacation. It's just like I just need a break, but I do hold on. I wasn't done, but I think it's.
Speaker 2:I think her approach. Did she just sign me? I think her approach. I think her approach is probably what was a little offsetting. Now, for her to really say that she just wants to blow her money on, like making herself feel happy and leaving him and the kid, I do think that's absolutely absurd.
Speaker 2:However, if she is trying to say I'm stressed out which he mentioned that, she did say I'm stressed out. I just need a little break, I need a little more room to breathe. Can we come up with a game plan to where the bills can get taken care of. I can take a little bit out of my savings for myself and I can go off, and I can do this If I take a year off from work. Can we carve out some time where we can take like a week long or two week long vacation? Or I just need to take a week off like by myself and go do the things that I need to do to re-energize me and focus on me and then come right on back. But it doesn't have to be something as drastic as you basically saying F the household and I'm going to take me and all my money and go spend it.
Speaker 1:Like. I said like I said, a couple of months is different from five years.
Speaker 2:And that's what? Yes, I understand that.
Speaker 1:I think if she would have packaged it like we're talking about last episode, packaging it the way you said it, right and she would have said hey, can I just have a couple months to myself, Right? Yeah, Because she probably has enough saved up to kind of still contribute to her bills and still be by herself to recharge herself.
Speaker 2:To do something for herself, because I do feel like everyone needs to be recharged.
Speaker 1:Shout out to my therapist Everyone To do something for herself, because I do feel like everyone needs to be recharged, shout out to my therapist. Everyone needs to be recharged, yeah, so I feel like that is important. Yeah, but the way she's going about it is very selfish Because, to your point, while she was in med school, he was there paying for everything. Most likely Feeding you Housing you, I mean most likely.
Speaker 2:Most likely Okay, they've been together Because she might have had parents Right, but he was there.
Speaker 1:Right, but he was there, yeah, so you didn't go through that alone, right, right, so you, this is a decision that you shouldn't be able to make on yourself, and this also, this is a decision that's going to greatly my passion.
Speaker 1:My passion is I want to be a bigger painter whatever, and you make 30% more than I do, so you make more than I do, so you're making you make more than I do so I can take this pay cut and we can still have a pretty good life and I can have my passion. Yeah, you wouldn't be willing to do that because now that's been more to hit your husband with a situation to dump all of your agreed upon responsibility on him, and he's just supposed to be okay with that. Yeah, that's entitlement.
Speaker 2:Without having an actual conversation.
Speaker 1:That's entitlement and that's selfishness.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:She's the asshole.
Speaker 2:Okay, agreed, all right, here we go. Am I the asshole for continuing to wear makeup and dress in my normal style around a friend who thinks her husband has a crush on me?
Speaker 1:No, you're not an asshole for that, that's her problem.
Speaker 2:That's her problem. My 29-year-old female friend 31. I'm 29. Friend's 31. She's told me that her husband, who's 35, has a crush on me and has recently told her that he fantasizes over me. This already makes me feel very awkward, but now she has asked if I can stop wearing makeup and wear more baggy clothes around him.
Speaker 1:Oh, she ain't got no titties.
Speaker 2:We want Bye. We went out for dinner last night at a reasonably expensive restaurant with a few others seven of us in total and she texted me that when I got home, saying she was angry at me for quote unquote looking hot after she asked me not to wear any makeup. She's my friend and I want to do the right thing, but there's nothing I could wear that is baggy. That would have suited the restaurant that we were in, which was a Michelin star restaurant. My style is very conservative and I was wearing a very average dress with heels. I've written out several responses, ranging from an apology to being quite rude, but wanted to sense check my thoughts here before I go back to her. I don't want to make life difficult for her, but what she's asking for for me feels unreasonable. Am I the asshole?
Speaker 1:You're not the asshole. You are not responsible for her self-confidence, and if she has a problem with the way her husband is ogling you, she should. She should address that with her husband, or maybe she shouldn't bring her husband around you. You live your life, you stay beautiful, you stay sexy, you wear them heels and you you keep them things out okay, so there was like um a little edit to it.
Speaker 2:She had said that, uh, the husband had commented on one of her posts and also liked one of her pictures?
Speaker 1:one of her pictures. Okay, again, again. All you can do at this point is that you can. You can either block her. You can block her husband and be nice, or she can have this conversation with her husband, because her problem is not with you, right? Her problem is with her husband.
Speaker 2:And it's making her feel insecure, right? So if her husband.
Speaker 1:she needs to address the issue with her husband. If her husband is fantasizing about you, it's affecting her self-esteem Right. So now she's looking at you like you the problem like you're the problem and you're not the problem to try to make herself feel better because she I wish somebody would ask me to come in. It's like can you make yourself look good?
Speaker 2:Can you make yourself smaller, because you're a little too big and people like it. So if you can, just make yourself a little smaller in the room. But can we talk about how apparently her husband has told her that he fantasizes about her friend? That's wild to me. First off, why?
Speaker 1:would you?
Speaker 2:even say anything like that. I would never, never. Why would you say anything If?
Speaker 1:we're around friends or something.
Speaker 2:I would never. Never. Why would you say anything if we're around friends or something? I would never. And we have a friend who is attracted to another friend's husband, like first of all, why would you tell your wife that you attracted to her friend right I'm so confused. That's the part.
Speaker 2:That's the part that befuddles me well, maybe they, maybe they have, maybe they have um transparency in there, oh okay, okay, I mean hey, listen, I'm all for transparency, I'm all for being honest but if you are going to come to me and say, hey, I think one of your friends is attractive, that's different, because then you double down and said you double down and said I also fantasize about her.
Speaker 1:okay, okay, look here Okay.
Speaker 2:Look here, okay, listen, hold on.
Speaker 1:As a man, I think it's okay for you to acknowledge that another woman is attractive.
Speaker 2:It's beautiful.
Speaker 1:Yes, that's okay. But to sit here and tell your wife to her face that you fantasize about another woman, that's wild.
Speaker 2:That's valuable.
Speaker 1:That's wildly disrespectful.
Speaker 2:It's wildly disrespectful, it's very and I can't help but to think any person, man or woman, to say that to your partner. You're doing that with the intent to hurt them. You're doing that with the intent to make them feel insecure about themselves.
Speaker 1:Here's the thing here. I thought about this what if the lady who wrote that she's she's obviously attractive and good looking, right, the friend might be a little chubby. She might have two, three kids. It got some baby weight on her.
Speaker 2:It's about the one that's married to the husband who told her that he's attracted.
Speaker 1:So she might. So she probably dealing with. She's dealing with some stuff. She might be dealing with some stuff self-esteem issues but he just put another brick right on top of it. And he's making it worse.
Speaker 2:But he's doing it on purpose. He asked me.
Speaker 1:Because oftentimes, you know, men say things and they think that if I say this, she's going to take it this way and it's going to get her to change something. And that's not the, you know he probably mentioned.
Speaker 2:Like oh, like she. She looks really nice, she takes care of herself, she's always well-d dressed and it's like here you are a stay-at-home mom of three. You're running around and every time I come home you're just never put together.
Speaker 1:All I get is messy buns. All I get is messy buns and crewnecks, legs and sweats.
Speaker 2:It's crewnecks. Thank you very much. See, look at that underlying shot you just took of me. I didn't like that. I said sweats.
Speaker 1:I didn't talking about you.
Speaker 2:Nah, the way you looked at me was the way you looked at me, Okay.
Speaker 1:I'm done with this one.
Speaker 2:Okay, moving on to the next one, this one, I think you you might have heard, not attracted to wife anything, anything he ain't attracted in any way, shape or form.
Speaker 2:Me and my wife are both 38 years old and we've been together 18 years and have a 10 year old son. She's a great mother to our son and an OK housewife. When I met her she was around five, seven and about one hundred and fifty pounds. Over the course of our relationship, her body has changed drastically. She has put on a lot of weight, and I'm not talking 20 or 30 pounds. She's probably tipping the scale at 300. She's been checked by doctors and has no health issues that would affect her weight gain.
Speaker 2:I've always been somewhat fit and kept up on my appearance. I walk, I bike, regular workouts three times a week. I've asked her to join me hundreds of times and only get the same answer. I can't. What's the point? She shows no interest at all and I'm really starting to be worried about her long-term health. I have stuck with her through it all, but it's gotten to a point where I'm no longer attracted to her. She shows no signs of wanting to lose weight or get healthy. I'm actually considering leaving her. I feel awful about it, but I need physical and sexual attraction in my life. I guess what it comes down to is just my son and that's why I stay.
Speaker 1:You told this woman that you would love, honors and cherish her, and sickness and health bear to wait.
Speaker 2:I mean you're not wrong.
Speaker 1:You shouldn't leave her here's because, like I, we always say people, people are going to evolve and they're going to change and here's the thing your son is 10. Right, you already said 10 10 you don't under. You don't know what type of pregnancy she had. She may not have been, she may have had postpartum.
Speaker 2:You don't know what that was Never taken, care of, never taken care of.
Speaker 1:You don't know what that Do. You know what the pregnancy did to her physically or mentally. Right, so she should. She could have mental blocks that she just don't see. She just don't see. And also it could be that maybe the way that you're engaging with her and asking her to get fit is counterproductive to what you're trying to see.
Speaker 2:Like he's not being encouraging, he's being judgy.
Speaker 1:Right, and so here's the thing it's like maybe, maybe, you don't ask her to go to the gym, don't ask her to walk, you just just start planning things that are going to require her to be physical. So plan you know, take her to a winery tour.
Speaker 1:Right you know what I'm saying. There's things. There's things that take it to a music part You're going to have to walk around music part. Take her to things where she's going to have to be active Right, and not only that. Talk to her and see how she's doing mentally.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Right, you're focusing too much. I feel like you're focusing too much on the physical. Well, I can understand that you may not be attracted to her, because she's not. She doesn't have the appearance of what she had when you guys met, when you fell in love with her.
Speaker 2:I understand that.
Speaker 1:But you should also understand that over time those things change and there may be, there may become a time in your life where you're not the quote unquote fit person. You see, you see yourself to be Right. So I don't think her weight gain should be a reason why you leave. I think you need to sit down with her, have a open, honest conversation, express your concerns and maybe approach the situation differently. Make, make make the getting back in shape. Health uh fun. Make it healthy. Find. Find the healthy alternatives in like food that still tastes good. Like there's other ways to go about it. The one thing you don't want to do is try to shame her because when you shame her, she's just going to, she's just going to close herself off.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she's not going to move. I love everything you said. That's nail on the head. Nail on the head, I think, especially when it comes to losing weight. We just had this conversation and this is in no way, shape or form, an excuse at all, but we just had the conversation about the differences between men and women and losing weight and how weight fluctuates for women and how men fluctuate your hormones is crazy, I mean wild diabolical.
Speaker 1:As a man. If you just research what a woman's body goes through, and just the in the form of home hormonal changes, you'll give them credit.
Speaker 2:I'm just saying I'm just saying it's. It's a lot like you know, and I appreciate for him doing his own digging and not just continuously taking my word for it, cause he really didn't believe him when I believe me, when I told him I was like I legit really get like one good week out of the month, like one to two, maybe two good weeks out of the month, and then the other two weeks diabolical. Um so he's looking at it from the approach well, I can get up and I can work out three days a week, I can hike I can bike, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:For him it's just like it's. It's a no-brainer. I've been doing this for years, but if that's also hasn't been her norm, she's not just gonna get up all of a sudden and start biking and hiking and working out three days a week I didn't even think about that baby.
Speaker 2:She wasn't in the gym when y'all met, when y'all met like, okay, you met her and she was 150 pounds. But what if she was just naturally at that size during that time? That was just her natural size at that time. That doesn't mean she was working to maintain 150 pounds. She just so happened to be 150 pounds when you met her.
Speaker 2:But she's never had an active lifestyle and we all know the older we get, things start slowing down. Everything like the same things that you used to eat react totally different to your body than it did when you were in your 20s, to compare when you're in your 30s and in your 40s, and so on and so forth. So there's that. The other thing you had mentioned is, like, you know, the kid and the postpartum and things. One thing that I really hate when I hear people say like, oh, you know, she didn't lose weight, or I'm still carrying around the same weight from after when I gave birth, but, but your kid is 10. Ok, but if there was medical issues that were not addressed at that time, they could still have lingering effects. Now I know he said that she doesn't have any health concerns or health problems right now, physically. Physically, that he could probably.
Speaker 1:That's why I said mentally.
Speaker 2:But, like you mentioned with the postpartum, we don't know what the longterm effects of that was. We don't, we don't. We don't have all of the information right now. With all that being said, oh sorry, with all that being said, I do, however, think that you also do have a responsibility to be attractive for your partner, for your partner right now I'm not saying now if he's saying that she's like 300, but when he met her she was 150.
Speaker 2:150 may not be her, her, her healthy weight, body type at 38, you know, like maybe her being 180 or hell I don't know, 200, we don't know what her body type is or whatever she requires or whatever you know, but 150 may not be what would be healthy for her.
Speaker 1:Right now, it may not be sustainable it may not be sustainable.
Speaker 2:150 at at um 38 is not gonna look the same like it did when you met her. How long did he say they were together? Like 10 years or something like that. It's not gonna look the same. It's not gonna be the same, right um, are you?
Speaker 2:it sounds like he's just mainly focused just on the weight yeah I know he mentioned that he's concerned with her long-term health, but it's he's really just concerned with the way the weight looks on her and he's not attracted. And I, I do want to say I don't want to say I don't want, I don't want to sound mean, but if he's not attracted to her, he's not necessarily wrong for feeling like he's not.
Speaker 2:He's not wrong for feeling like he's not attracted to her if that's not the body that he's attracted to, right, um, but I do think, if it is something that is impacting the marriage, that she also has to start addressing it in some way, shape or form, right like whether, even even if you're just showing good faith to go on a walk with him you know what I'm saying like if you don't have no intentions of getting back down to 150 and his biggest concern is that you're not even trying, I'll go on a walk with you twice a week, yeah you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:here's another thing I was thinking um. Again, like you're saying, like he said, that she's been looked at Right and there's no.
Speaker 2:Significant health issues.
Speaker 1:But my thing is that you don't have a baseline, right. You don't have a baseline to what her numbers were prior to the weight, so you can't really, you just know the weight change, right. We don't know what the factors are. Like I said and it could be you could be over here being the most fit and shaped person.
Speaker 2:But that don't mean you're healthy.
Speaker 1:Not only that don't mean you're healthy. It also means that you may not be aware of how you're interacting with your wife. You may not be aware of the damage or the conflict you're causing within her by your choice of words, by your demeanor.
Speaker 2:Because she knows, like she knows that you don't like the way she looks. But you're thinking that because she knows that you don't like the way she looks. And then when you say things like you don't even try, like just go for a walk, take a hike or something like that, you think it would have the effect on someone to say you know what I'm going to get in the gym. But it literally does the opposite.
Speaker 1:Like I just said about the last one, A lot of times as men, you say things expecting your woman to move a certain way and it does not go the way you want it to go right. And to me that is just a clear indication that you don't know your woman, Because if you knew your woman, you would know what to say to get her in a way to move the way you need her to move. So you need to actually sit down and have a heart to heart with your wife about how she's doing. Don't mention the weight.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Don't mention. Don't mention the level of attraction. Check and see how she's doing. Yeah, just ask her if she's okay, right, right.
Speaker 2:And then you can talk about your concerns.
Speaker 1:And then you can bring up your concerns. But I also want to say this Like I said earlier, you stood across from her and said you love, honors and cherish the death you do as part In sickness and in health Right. So now, if you're telling me that you want to walk away because physically, because with your eye, she's not what you want to see, I would then question you and ask you where did the love go?
Speaker 2:No, I would question I would question and ask what was the marriage based on? What's?
Speaker 1:the foundation. Was there ever love there? Or were you just enticed by her looks because she fit the mold of what you thought your woman should look like?
Speaker 2:Well, he also mentioned that she was an okay housewife, so maybe he's not happy with that either.
Speaker 1:Right, that could be a problem as well. Again, that's another issue that you bring to her, because, again, all of this could stem from how she's feeling internally.
Speaker 2:And maybe she needs to go somewhere where she could talk to someone, and it'd be safe.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I agree I agree.
Speaker 2:I think it's all in the approach. Yeah, because it's not what you say, that's how you say it. Literally is how you say it. You could say anything, you could be talking to a person and and just dogging them in front of their face, but if you do it with a smile and a soft delivery, and if you look here, if you're talking to a person and just dogging them in front of their face, but if you do it with a smile and a soft delivery, and if you look here, if you're talking to a person in their face and you want to talk shit about them, just use words with three or four syllables Okay, they're going to lose it.
Speaker 2:They're going to lose it.
Speaker 1:They're not going to be able to keep up.
Speaker 2:Okay, this says advice needed. Okay, am I the asshole for refusing to host thanksgiving after my sister handed out a quote-unquote family code of conduct contract? This happened recently and I'm still baffled wait, hold on do they say what nationality? No, not yet, because this is. This is levels of funny. It says for context, I've hosted thanksgiving for my family every year since I moved into my house five years ago. I've always. It's always a little messy and chaotic, but that's part of the charm, right?
Speaker 1:It's a house. You live there.
Speaker 2:This year my sister decided she wanted to quote unquote help bring some order to the gathering. At first I thought she just meant coordinating who would bring what dishes or helping with cleanup. Instead, she showed up at my house last week with printed copies of what she called a family code of conduct contract. She handed these out and insisted everyone read and sign them before attending Thanksgiving. She handed these out and insisted everyone read and sign them before attending Thanksgiving. Some of the highlights include a rule against overlapping conversations at the dinner table with suggestions for taking turns like a respectful debate club. Another one is a ban on political and controversial topics, with her as the final arbitrary of what was to be heeded. Another is a dress code of smart casual, because holiday photos should reflect well on the family. And another is a signed seating that she claimed was based on optimal personality compatibility.
Speaker 2:She was completely serious when I laughed and said you can't be serious. She accused me of not taking her efforts to improve family dynamics seriously. I told her I wasn't going to enforce a code of conduct at my house and that if she wanted to micromanage Thanksgiving that she could host it herself. Doubled down, saying I was being ungrateful and stubborn, I canceled hosting, and now the family is mad at me. My mom thinks I should have just humored her for the day, while my brother is refusing to go anywhere unless no one tries to draft a holiday constitution. I'm torn. Was I wrong for standing my ground, or should I have let her ruin the day and run the day to keep the peace?
Speaker 1:I have no serious answer.
Speaker 2:But she was serious. Okay, it's the overlapping conversation for me.
Speaker 1:I need you to do me a favor. I need you to read all the clauses in order, and then let me respond between each clause. Okay, here we go, okay, go ahead.
Speaker 2:So her first rule of order was a rule against quote-unquote overlapping conversations at the dinner table with suggestions for taking turns like a respectful debate club.
Speaker 1:Y'all gonna stop talking over me when I'm at this table, because I have something to say and y'all not hearing what I gotta say. That's what that mean. Y'all, finna, stop talking over me.
Speaker 2:Next one I say that's what that mean, y'all finna stop talking over me. Next one, I think next one okay a ban on political or controversial topics, with her as the final arbiter of what was to be heated.
Speaker 1:I know that we all do. I know that we don't all agree on the same things, but I know what's right, y'all don't. So what I say it is is what it is, and we are not gonna argue no further about this next one a dress code of smart casual, because holiday photos should reflect well on the family I'm tired of these kids showing up in pajamas and crocs, messing them up in my holiday pictures and I can't post nothing on facebook or instagram, because your house is messy in the back, and then nobody showed up in proper clothing to take a damn family photo.
Speaker 2:So we got some people who took it serious and dressed up the other half wearing pajamas, and then y'all didn't even bother vacuuming the damn carpet before we got here. That's what she was upset about. And then the other one is assigned seating that she claims is based on optimal personality compatibility.
Speaker 1:Y'all know damn well I don't like Steven.
Speaker 2:Stop sitting his ass down here by me because I don't want to talk to him, and you know that Uncle So-and-So and Boyd can't sit next to each other. Uncle So-and-So and Boyd. Yes, uncle So-and-So and Boyd is wild, not Boyd, not Boyd, not Boyd, not her trying to dictate, though. Tell me your type A without telling me your type A.
Speaker 1:Because she wanted complete control.
Speaker 2:She wanted it to be orderly. And here's the thing Everything that she mentioned on there.
Speaker 1:Do you like it.
Speaker 2:It's giving karen, it's giving karen, because listen the only thing I can think of listen at the table right when we're all sitting down, we're all having uh but most people sit next to what they want to sit next to anyway.
Speaker 2:That's true too. The only thing I would say is that it doesn't necessarily get on my nerves, but kind of does get on my nerves is when everyone's having multiple conversations at once and we're all at the dinner table. But that's also a part of the fun about having Everything is loud, like when your family came down it was your family, my mom and them came down Our house was.
Speaker 1:My family's not loud Boy. Please we talk at a respectable level.
Speaker 2:Okay, the house was chaotic, like when you're. It was great. It was great, like when your mom and my mom were in there making breakfast. It's a different conversation in every room, in every single room. We were all talking and it's just like when we sat down to eat breakfast, it was a table full of food and a whole bunch of people and everybody was talking and it was loud.
Speaker 1:We could have fell out of elementary school.
Speaker 2:Right, but that was what was fun. It was fun because we were all together.
Speaker 1:We were laughing, we were having a good time.
Speaker 2:Order. I need order. But maybe she said that because we don't know what type of family she got. Maybe she got a family that get hype. Maybe she got a family you know, that's why she was like the political conversations. We not finna do that because that's just gonna ruin family dinner. So I'm gonna be the person that's in charge and I'm gonna let y'all know what's appropriate to speak about at the dinner table and what's inappropriate to speak about at the dinner table.
Speaker 1:That's wild.
Speaker 2:Okay, this is Thanksgiving, all right, but she's not giving, she's giving. She gave them a cold conduct contract.
Speaker 1:It's giving Karen.
Speaker 2:It's giving that she cares deeply for her family it's giving.
Speaker 1:let me talk to the manager.
Speaker 2:She cares deeply.
Speaker 1:It's giving. I'm going to call the authorities.
Speaker 2:You're not going to talk about my friend. You're not going to talk about my friend. She just wanted a little bit of order. That's it. Are we going to really get on her for wanting a little bit of order? Yes, we are. She just wanted order in the court. Order at the dinner table.
Speaker 1:That's it. She's not Judge Mathis or Judy Shut it. She's not Judge.
Speaker 2:Mathis or Judy, shut up, she's not Judge Mathis or Judy, but I'm with old girl, though, if you got all these stipulations, then you host it at your house. You host it, yeah, because that is kind of wild coming into somebody else's house and making that claim, and it's clear, to me at least, that the family don't want to go to her house.
Speaker 1:That's why the mom mad that she canceled, and the brother's talking about I ain't going nowhere.
Speaker 2:Where there's a contract that has to be signed. No, he said constitution. He said I ain't doing it, bro, I can find somewhere else to eat turkey. I don't care nothing about your bylaws or try laws or whatever you want to call them. He said we're not doing that. We're not doing that, we're not doing that, it's not for me. My boy, we're not going to do that. My boy boy, we're not going to do that.
Speaker 1:Shout out to my Eagles. I know that was random.
Speaker 2:But yeah, that was a good one. That was a good one.
Speaker 1:That was crazy.
Speaker 2:That was. I mean I can still understand where she's coming from. Don't get me wrong, I can understand where she's coming from. Yeah, you got Karen Tennessee.
Speaker 1:I don't have Karen Tennessee, stop saying that, or should I say Ken?
Speaker 2:now there's somebody out there whose name is.
Speaker 1:Karen Tennessee, or should I say Ken Ken? Yeah, because you're a good man.
Speaker 2:Okay, we're back to this again.
Speaker 1:There's a lot of people out there named Karen that don't like. Well, it's fine it, but it's fine. It's a lot of Shaniquas out here don't know like being assumed that they're ghetto because they're named Shaniqua either so you. Karen's gonna live with it yeah, right, shaniqua it's a lot. It's a lot of Felicias. It's tired. It's tired too, but they're gonna live with it. Felicia's diabolical bye, felicia diabolical, the Karens and the Kins.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:The Sambo's, okay, the Uncle Tom's.
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Speaker 2:OnlyPans when it comes around Life After I Do podcast. Don't forget guys. You can write into us at lifeafteridopodcast at gmailcom if you are looking for a little bit of advice, you want our opinion on something, or just to send us a message to say hi, or anything. Follow us on all of our digital streaming platforms. Until next time, but until next time Peace, booskis, booskis Peace.
