Living With A Nagging Partner!

Ever felt like your partner’s feedback comes off as criticism? This episode explores relationship communication and the role of therapy in personal growth. We discuss the emotional and financial challenges we’ve faced, highlighting mental health awareness and the importance of celebrating small victories. Our conversation delves into family dynamics, balancing responsibilities, and setting boundaries, emphasizing the importance of empathy, clear communication, and collaboration in building stronger personal and familial relationships. 

Transcript

Undermining Communication and Resentment

Speaker 1 0:00

Criticism also leads to undermining communication.

Speaker 2 0:05

And that's what you do. Yeah, let's talk about it. Undermine communication Undermine communication.

Speaker 1 0:13

And it also creates resentment, right? Because when someone is constantly feeling criticized, then the resentment can settle in. It's okay, talk your shit Right. Bye, mauriceise, cut it out. Hey, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Life After I Do. I'm your host, nisha G, and I'm here with my husband today on this lovely day. Don't mind my hands, I'm ashy today. Guys, I didn't lotion after my shower today, so I'm going to just kind of like cover them up like this. I lotioned before, okay, it's just when I showered after the gym. Why are you looking at me like that? Do I have something on my teeth? You got a little.

Speaker 2 1:15

you got a little lipstick on your lipstick on my.

Speaker 1 1:17

You got it. You got it okay, because I I can always tell when you're like staring at something in my face. Hey hi, how are you? Doing I'm good. How's your day? Good. How's your week? Decent.

Speaker 2 1:33

It was mid Mid it was mid. Yeah, why? Because you're dead.

Speaker 1 1:38

No, I'm not dead yet. I'm dead again. I'll be dead next week. I don't want to say it like that, because you know the universe don't know the difference. Right, I might be going through some emotional things next week.

Speaker 3 1:55

Yeah no but.

Speaker 1 1:57

I'm okay. I had a good workout this morning, so that started the day off, right you, you, oh.

Speaker 2 2:06

You went in and pretended I had.

Speaker 1 2:07

I never pretend, get your life, get your life went in and pretended to be weak, okay listen here. Don't, don't. Let's not get on how you be feeling some type of way when we work out together okay, hold on let's, let's not do that let?

Speaker 2 2:21

First of all, let me tell you something.

Speaker 1 2:23

Let's not act like you weren't struggling on doing 100 on calves today. First of all, I wasn't struggling. Oh, you were having a muscle spasm. Is that why I had a cramp? You had a cramp, okay.

Speaker 2 2:42

I can get it up.

Speaker 1 2:51

I can get it up, I can get it up, I can get it up, I can get it. You wouldn't let me add any more weight to it, though, because I was. You was like, you was like oh no, no, no, and I was like let go of the bar. Like you were holding on to the bar, I was like you need to let go of the bar, so we can so that we can see that your calves are pushing all 100 pounds it was.

Speaker 2 3:03

Let me tell me, tell you something.

Speaker 1 3:04

No, it wasn't, you were pulling back on the bar.

Speaker 2 3:07

Let me tell you something.

Speaker 1 3:08

What Tell me?

Speaker 2 3:09

Them dad lifts, took me out.

Speaker 1 3:10

Oh, is that what it was? I saw you over there. I was like really the green plates, you need all red plates, bro. I had red plates on there. You had a red plate. Okay, now you're trying to out me. Wow, no, you did good, babe. I saw you over there getting it. I saw you in between my sets.

Speaker 2 3:32

Well, I mean, first of all, it was my first day doing them, so I didn't want to go super heavy.

Speaker 1 3:36

Oh, I thought you had changed it already last week. No, it was my first day doing them, so I didn't want to go super heavy.

Speaker 2 3:45

I wanted to see where my but I can get two plates up. Okay, easy, little money. Easy, yeah, cause I did 650 on the leg press today.

Speaker 3 3:48

So I can easily get that?

Speaker 1 3:50

Huh, yeah, what? Why are you looking at me like that?

Speaker 2 3:52

My, my, my week was better than hers, okay.

Speaker 1 3:55

Your week is always better than mine. My week was better than hers because I am default parent.

Speaker 2 4:00

I'm not the default parent. I've been consistently going to the gym.

Speaker 1 4:08

You have and I'm very on a serious note, I'm very proud of you.

Speaker 2 4:09

I've been going five to six days a week.

Speaker 1 4:11

I'm very proud of you, an hour and 20 minutes each time. And I've been seeing your gains and I am down I am down a total of like 22 pounds.

Speaker 2 4:19

High five, babe, I'm not giving you a high five.

Speaker 1 4:21

I'm genuinely being genuine about your success 22 times. I'm in my slim, I'm in my I'm trying to like be supportive and then you just call me weak on the deadlift. I did not call you weak I gotta keep doing.

Speaker 2 4:38

I like them. Deadlift my lower back. I'm trying to get my lower back stronger okay, but yeah, but my week was I hope you're not using your, your, just your back to lift.

Speaker 1 4:45

No, but it.

Speaker 2 4:46

It strengthens your lower back.

Speaker 1 4:47

It helps you.

Speaker 2 4:47

But my week was cool. Um had a good therapy session this week. That's good, therapy is going well, mm-hmm Um look at you getting mind and body.

Speaker 1 5:00

I'm just I'm just connecting, trying to connect mind and body. I like it.

Speaker 2 5:03

I used to say I just want to be a better husband and father. Now I'm just trying to be a better me. High five, babe. I'm not high fiving you.

Speaker 1 5:10

Why? Because you were mean to me earlier. I was not mean to you. Oh my gosh, call me weak. I didn't call you weak, so now I'm just trying to be a better me.

Speaker 2 5:20

See, even though mentally I have a lot of dark clouds over me mentally and financially because of our situation or whatever, I do see that a break in the storm.

Speaker 1 5:38

I like that.

Speaker 2 5:39

Yeah.

Speaker 1 5:41

I F's with that.

Assumptions in Relationships

Speaker 2 5:43

I got something you can F. What we got today, boos, we got today, since your week is mid yeah, my week was mid. I mean it was good, don't get me wrong hold on people when we get these cute ass gymnastics pictures back. We normally don't post our child on the podcast page, but y'all can get that picture. She did a floor pose, so I was like no, she did it.

Speaker 1 6:04

She did a floor pose. So I was like it'll be cute, she did a floor. She just did like the simple. I thought she was gonna go for something like a leg raise, like when she did her dance photos. She was like I want leg raise like everything for her gym. She was just like they were like what kind of pose do you wanna do the floor?

Speaker 1 6:21

and she just laid on the floor and like put her hands in her, in her um I put her face in her hands and just pointed her toes we get those back, we kill yeah, but and it's they're so cute because when we, when I was getting her dressed, she was like mom, I want a big bun, yeah, yeah. She was like I want a big bun like you. And I was like you want a big bun. And she was like, yeah, I want, I want a big bun. And I was like, okay, so I did her a big bun and then, with her, little side right now thank you with her little side curly cues no, because I got things to do.

Speaker 2 6:52

I really need to clean up my vanity.

Speaker 1 6:54

Come back disheveled I need to go clean up my vanity, but yeah, so anyway.

Speaker 2 6:58

Yeah, she was, she looks, she looked really so stinging cute she did, which I try to tell her because she has the same syndrome that her mother has, where when you feed into their looks, their heads get bigger and bigger.

Speaker 1 7:08

That's not true.

Speaker 2 7:09

And the last thing I need is two females around here that can't walk upstairs because their equilibrium was off, because they had barely fit on their shoulders anyway, um, you know, she's like friends with all like the upper level girls and stuff.

Speaker 1 7:23

So we were sitting there and all the upper levels were doing their pictures first and, like all the girls who she's like, you know who, who know know her, when she came in, everybody's like oh my gosh, phoenix, phoenix. And then some of the girls are standing in line and they turn around and they look and they were like pointing and I'm looking at them and I didn't know if they were like looking at me or if they were looking at Phoenix or something behind me. And then they all came over and they were like Phoenix, you look so cute. And the other girl, she was like your makeup is so cute. She was like look at your blush. And I was like I told Phoenix, I was like, see, I told you you could see your blush. Because I did like a really kind of like nudie kind of blush.

Speaker 2 7:58

You said that because before you, before we left, she was like dad, can you see my? Can you see my makeup? Can you see it?

Speaker 1 8:02

I said yes because she was like you can't see it and I was like baby, I promise you, I was like less is more as that. You, you can see your blush and all I did was just a little bit of blush and then I did a little bit of brow gel and not to toot my baby's horn, but I'm gonna toot it. My baby has naturally bomb eyebrows, like her eyebrows look like she gets them done.

Speaker 1 8:24

And I know that I yeah, I was going to say that comes from you. Um cause, even Jasmine, my best friend, when she came down and, like Phoenix, still had like her, it was like a laminated look that I did on her and she was like girl, look at your brows. I was like right, I was like my baby was naturally fleeky.

Speaker 2 8:40

Let's take a moment. Let's take a moment to appreciate the fact what she was like. Just let's take a moment. Let's take a moment to appreciate the fact what she was like. Just don't do my eye, Just don't do my eyelashes, oh yeah.

Speaker 1 8:47

She doesn't do eyelashes anymore, like she had to wear eyelashes for dance and she is. She's 100 percent not sold on eyelashes and I was like feel like what's wrong with the eyelashes? She was like I don't like them because she feels like they make her eyes heavy. And she also says she doesn't like taking them off, because when I take them off I put the oil remover on them and so it makes her eyes glossy and she's like I. She was like I don't want. I don't want the lash things, mom.

Speaker 1 9:12

Yes, I was like baby, I wasn't gonna put lashes on you. You only wear lashes for dance, that's it. But yeah, so she did really good, so we're proud of her. Um, yes, so let's go ahead and hop into today's topic Another reaction video. So I'm going to play that for you. We're going to go right on and do it.

Speaker 3 9:30

If we are in relationship, can we please stop assuming? Your partner has a need, your partner has a concern. We are so used to perceiving when they bring up an issue as if they are complaining it's perception. We jump to conclusions, we don't pause long enough, we don't breathe and say, hey, tell me more. We automatically assume that your partner is criticizing you. And maybe this stems from your childhood, because all you heard from your caregiver is you're not doing this right and clean your room, and you don't do that right. And now your lady's voice sounds like your mother. Your man's voice sounds like your father. If we are in relationship, can we start to give each other the benefit of the doubt? Can we please stop assuming if we are?

Speaker 1 10:21

So that one that clip spoke to my soul a little bit.

Speaker 2 10:27

Okay, you're down here hitting below the belt today, huh.

Speaker 1 10:29

Not hitting below the belt at all. That's the last thing I would like to do. I will admit.

Speaker 2 10:34

I am guilty of that.

Speaker 1 10:36

I have said to you time and time again how many times? Time and time again. Before, time, after time, I have said before, before I went quiet and gave them, gave them the silent, that every time I would come to you with a concern, or come to you with something that you know I think we need to talk about, or whatever the case is, you always made it seem as though I was, in your words, bitching about something or complaining about something.

Speaker 2 11:07

Maybe it's still your delivery.

Speaker 1 11:09

It doesn't matter. Maybe it's your delivery. I don't think it's me. Maybe it's delivery, no, maybe it's DiGiorno.

Speaker 2 11:15

I don't think. It's my perception.

Speaker 1 11:18

No, but it actually because your perception is your reality.

Speaker 2 11:21

So you perceive me coming to you as me complaining I think it's more of how you're delivering the message.

Speaker 1 11:29

It doesn't matter how I deliver it. You still could Prime example, and I don't even know if I've used this example before, but I'm going to use it again. Prime example we had a gardening service right, so we have a landscape company that does.

Speaker 1 11:43

Yeah, uh-huh, we had, we had um before. We got the people we have now. We previously had a landscape company that, would, you know, come every once a week and they would take care of the lawn that. They do the front yard, they do the backyard. Okay, my husband goes into this era. He went into his like handyman and like, uh, lawn man era where he was like you know what, I'm not going to keep paying these people $200 a month. I can cut my own grass, I can pick up my own dog poop, I can. He can do all of this himself. Okay, mind you, the man was working like 40, 50 hours a week. He wanted to hold on.

Speaker 1 12:22

So he wanted to take over mowing the lawn and taking care of the backyard in the front yard, which I was okay with. One of the reasons I I, in my opinion, I feel like you wanted to do that because it gave you a reason and excuse for you to go to Lowe's and buy a bunch of crap that you did.

Speaker 1 12:43

So, anyway, he went to Lowe's, I didn't say nothing, Dropped his little bag at Lowe's, got everything he needed. He kept up with it for a while. He would get up, he would do the lawn, he would go out pick up after the dogs do the backyard, and he did this for a little while. Okay, he did this for a little while. Now we have had previous discussions before that about the backyard not being kept up. Okay, cause the outside of the house and handy stuff was his responsibility. So, long story short, he got off of taking care of, he got off track taking care of the landscaping and taking care of the backyard.

Speaker 1 13:20

Okay, so the backyard was getting a little messy, it was getting a little overgrown, dog poop wasn't being picked up and I was getting upset because I was at home with our toddler child and I was like part of our day is her being outside and going outside in the backyard, and one of the reasons why we even bought a home was so that she could be in her own yard and play.

Speaker 1 13:41

So I distinctively remember, before even calling you to have the conversation with you, I said let me see what my approach is going to be, because I know, if I came at you and been like she couldn't even go outside and play because it was too much dog poop back there and the weeds are overgrown. And you haven't you. You just would have like not listened to me at all and you know what I'm talking about. That's why you got this look on your face, because you know exactly this is exactly how it went. I called him, I talked to him all throughout the day when he's at work, called him see how he was doing, how's his day going. He was in a good mood. He had good temperament.

Speaker 2 14:18

I was like okay.

Speaker 1 14:19

I was like okay, sounds good. Like, okay, sounds good. So then I was just letting him know. I was like, hey, babe, this is what I said to him. I was like I think maybe we should reconsider hiring the landscapers back or the gardeners back, and his response was I know, kynesha, I know that I need to get out there and mow the lawn. You literally blew up at me because you perceived that I was calling to simply just get on you about not taking care of the lawn.

Communication and Defensiveness in Relationships

Speaker 1 14:50

And I was just trying to. That's why I suggested maybe we should reconsider getting the gardeners back to take care of it, because you were working a lot of hours and I even said to you I was like, babe, you work so much, I know you be tired, you have other things. He asked that's also when you had got into your woodworking and I was like, babe, you work so much, I know you be tired, you have other things you. He asked that's also when you had got into your woodworking and I was like it's also taking away from you doing the woodworking. Because he had just made us a front bench and I was like you, you're having so much fun with your woodworking and stuff, why not we just put it back in the budget for the gardeners to come back out, and then that would free up the time that you use to do your, your woodworking and stuff, like I even I, I put a whole cute little skirt.

Speaker 1 15:27

I packaged it really well, but what did I get? What did I get? I know, I know, kinesha, oh my gosh. Every time it's something it's the delivery.

Speaker 2 15:36

Literally, you're like, every time it's something, it's something. This was like three, four years ago. Okay, I have come a long way.

Speaker 1 15:44

Give me my credit okay, you want me to give you a more recent yeah, a recent example or something.

Speaker 2 15:49

Yeah, what's more recent?

Speaker 1 15:50

more recent example. Okay, um, we were in the room and you had told me, oh, about switching to which money to go put in which bank account. I think I gave this example before too oh, that was like a year ago, okay.

Speaker 2 16:08

I'm asking for something in the last couple of months. I've gotten better. I don't, but I will say this he is talking about me.

Speaker 1 16:18

This is something he is talking about me.

Speaker 2 16:20

This is something that I've really had to learn.

Speaker 1 16:23

Work at you mean Work at, and mean Work at and continue to work at.

Speaker 2 16:27

To not be so sensitive when she starts talking to me, because you got to understand, my wife has a history of being harsh when she needs to.

Speaker 1 16:35

It's not harsh, it's direct Harsh. No, and I say that.

Speaker 2 16:39

Baby, I'm direct, you're harsh. No, I'm direct, your words cut.

Speaker 1 16:43

My words do not cut. It's like. It's like it's just because they're coming from me. So, they seem harsh.

Speaker 2 16:49

It's like I don't take that. It's like you tell me all the time. I could end you right now with a couple of words, Cause you know you know, cause your words are harsh, maybe, but like it's not.

Speaker 1 17:05

but when?

Speaker 2 17:05

I say that it's not like a threat, it's like you know that I could just like put a few words together and you will be done, because when you say you're like you better, you better. Stop before I end it well, because sometimes you don't know when to stop anyway, and then, as a man, I gotta I got some stuff to say too, I know.

Speaker 1 17:19

But then you also kind of backpedal a little bit because you don't want to feel the sting.

Speaker 2 17:23

I don don't want to be in a fight with my wife.

Speaker 1 17:25

Right, I don't want to be in a fight with you either.

Speaker 2 17:28

But, like I was saying before, I was interrupted by this harsh woman. He's talking about me and I can't even get no guidance on this fellas because I'm still learning. It is very, very hard and a lot of times what my wife don't know. I then become hard on myself in retrospect because we will have these conversations, and then in retrospect when I think about what was said after it was said, I'm like man, she wouldn't. I was doing too much.

Speaker 1 17:58

Yeah, she came in here, real calm, cool, collected, yep, and then what ends up? Usually, sometimes, what ends up happening is, if he responds to me that way, then it it kind of triggers my response and it depends on the mood I'm in that day. I'm either going to give it back to you she's going to be harsh or I'm just going to walk away. You know what I mean. I try to hold my composure, but then at the end of the day I'd be like oh well, I guess this is what we're doing today and I got some negativity built up anyway, so I might as well put it somewhere.

Speaker 2 18:30

And, in conjunction to what he was talking about, I've also had to learn that when she comes to me with something like this, that she's not nagging at me and also this is not the time for me to address my concerns with her. Yeah, just so I can feel like, because a lot of times I'm like you.

Speaker 1 18:48

Know what. We've had that episode before A lot of times. I'm like you know what?

Speaker 2 18:51

we've had that episode before, yep, a lot of times. I'm like you know what. Well, I ain't the only one messing up around here. Let me tell you what you ain't doing. And that's really nothing, that's not.

Speaker 1 18:58

And then I get upset because I'm like there you go, that's not there you go deflected again right, there you go deflecting again.

Speaker 2 19:05

All right, look, I'm not gonna sit here and talk about bad about myself for 20, 30 minutes it's not about talking bad about yourself.

Speaker 1 19:10

I'm just saying like in general. But what he was saying is true, it's true, but it is. It's a very hard thing to do, right and why do you think it's a hard thing to do? Because I know he mentioned something about childhood.

Speaker 2 19:23

Well, for, for for one, yeah, childhood I was. Only. The only time I ever got yelled at in childhood was when I was doing something wrong, and that's the only time I what they're going to yell at you for doing something right. Right, when I did something wrong or when I wasn't meeting the standard.

Speaker 1 19:37

That's when I got yelled at right.

Speaker 2 19:39

So I guess it does kind of trigger that response and maybe I should talk about this in therapy. Now Think about it.

Speaker 1 19:45

Maybe I should bring this up to my therapist.

Speaker 2 19:48

Because immediately, sometimes, when you come to me and like You're defensive, I'm defensive, I'm defensive, off rip, because I did like the I got, like we're talking about the last week the energy, I said, okay, here we go with the energy, like I I can see in your face energy though I can see in your face, in your body language, that you're trying to be nice and sincere, but but your words be hard I'm sure I'm trying and then your work.

Speaker 2 20:12

Not only are your words harsh, they're abrasive to my soul okay and then I have to, then I, and then, and then it's not even where I'm not.

Speaker 1 20:20

I'm not, I'm listening to you, but while I'm listening to you, I'm trying to protect myself at the same time yes, because you're getting defensive, because, like I've told you before, what I'm trying to say to you doesn't align with how you see yourself.

Speaker 2 20:32

And that's where the conflict comes from what the what the yard it did.

Speaker 1 20:36

I knew I was messing up, I was tired but you didn't want me to bring you know, it's kind of like I think about it in this way when someone brings to your attention something you already know about yourself it annoys you because you don't want somebody else. Yeah, you don't want somebody else talking about it.

Speaker 2 20:51

That's exactly what it was, because I already know that's exactly what it was.

Speaker 1 20:53

I already know and it just makes you annoyed that you're bringing it to me.

Speaker 2 20:58

I already knew that I was slipping on the yard Right. I already knew that she couldn't go out there and play because of the condition of the yard Right. I don't need you to bring that to me, okay.

Speaker 1 21:06

It get you know what could solve that Hold on.

Speaker 2 21:09

Like I've told you before, it may be six hours, six days, that's not acceptable.

Speaker 1 21:13

Or six months, but that's not acceptable. Maybe even six years, it's not acceptable. A man going to do what he say, he going to do no when I get around to it no, and that's exactly why, when we have certain conversations like that, I need specifics. If you say you're going to get it done, okay, tell me what date that's going to get done.

Speaker 2 21:32

You literally just told me a couple of weeks ago to not overcommit, so I stopped committing.

Speaker 1 21:38

No, no, no. I said do not overcommit and under deliver. That's what I said.

Speaker 2 21:44

That's why, okay, but what I'm saying is anything I deliver? No, it doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 21:50

Even if you come up with something that you commit to, it doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 21:53

I'll bring something to you that I'm essentially gonna expect a commitment from say it again I'm gonna expect a commitment from the first part of what you said that I will bring something to you.

Speaker 1 22:03

Yeah, and I'll expect a commitment from it.

Speaker 2 22:06

Why are you bringing these to me? You know I got enough to deal with.

Speaker 1 22:08

Goodbye, goodbye, good dang gone bye.

Speaker 2 22:13

These are my wife's favorite episodes, the episodes where she gets to lay in on her. I'm not laying in on you.

Speaker 1 22:18

I'm just hey, this is a real conversation. We are a real married couple. These are the real things that we go through and I know we're not the only people that do.

Speaker 2 22:26

It's like I said, I can't even give the fellas no pointers because I don't.

Speaker 1 22:29

I a lot of times. You can't, you can't shoot your, your men, no bail.

Speaker 2 22:33

No, I can't, because what? What I've been doing is that a lot of times I just let her talk and I just, I just I've learned sometimes to just just swallow my tongue.

Speaker 1 22:43

Sometimes I just because then what you will try to do? The other the other. You is trying to over explain why something hasn't gotten done or why you haven't gotten to like I don't I don't yeah you because you're because you're coming from a place of trying to defend yourself because you're feeling attacked okay, but here's the thing but we need to discuss why you're feeling attacked, but I'm trying to explain instead of attacking you.

Speaker 2 23:08

That's growth. That's growth. Give me credit for the growth.

Speaker 1 23:12

That's what I'm, that's all I'm asking for but this has a note in your phone to talk with your therapist about. Give me the give me.

Speaker 2 23:17

I'm gonna do the same give me credit for the growth yeah right and and I can answer your question I can answer your question. Sometimes I feel like I'm being attacked, because when you bring that to me, when I bring what, whatever, it is Right In my mind, my initial response is that what I'm doing is not enough. I need to do more.

Speaker 1 23:43

You're feeling inadequate, right, okay?

Speaker 2 23:46

And when I feel that way, knowing what I do and what I provide, it makes me a little pissed off.

Speaker 1 23:52

It puts your fences up Right, but that could be outside the realm of what I do and what I provide. It makes me a little pissed off. You put your fences up Right, but that could be outside the realm of what you do, Because I'm like ain't nothing over here running.

Speaker 2 24:00

If I don't go to work, give me some slack, give me some grace. You get plenty of grace. I didn't ask all that.

Speaker 1 24:08

You just said give me some grace.

Speaker 2 24:11

I didn't ask you to tell the people what you gave me, okay. Okay, what I'll. What I'll be saying is, like, sometimes I'll be like I just need you to cut me some slack. Give me some grace this week I'm tired. I ain't got it. I ain't got it some days. I ain't got it in me some days. The best you got. I'm around here a little just lumping along.

Speaker 1 24:29

And you can express that I have. I have days I've had multiple days in a row where I was Days, yeah, where I was a lump. Don't push it, don't get hit. Send my months. I don't condone violence, but don't get hit, send my months Goodbye, and you need to express that if that's what you need. I've had moments where you'll be like, oh, what's for dinner? I don't know you're. You're gonna have to figure that out because I have zero intentions on cooking. I have zero intentions on doing anything outside of what I'm doing today, but you have to communicate that, right but that's the difference.

Speaker 2 25:06

But like going back to what he's like it, it is something. Receiving the message without feeling attack is something you really have to work it and it is. It is hard. It is a hard thing because as a man, it's like your bravado, your machismo kicks in by itself, not your machismo, it, it just kicks in because at some point it's like first of all it's like in your head.

Speaker 1 25:33

You said, and first of all, I'm like who you talking to like this like what you okay, what you're not gonna do is set up this whole scenario like I come at you sideways, I'm not saying, I don't I'm not saying you come at me sideways, I'm just like who you talking to, like this, and why are you like?

Speaker 2 25:48

because sometimes, when you passionate about it and you ain't had time to master your plan.

Speaker 1 25:54

Or like pretty it up, pretty it up.

Speaker 2 25:55

You come in aggressive Okay.

Speaker 1 25:58

So, but I try to be calm. I'm always I am. I do try to be calm.

Speaker 2 26:03

I'm trying to show you what you got to understand. Your calmness is your aggressiveness, because you're always calm when you're aggressive. You need to learn yourself. You have never, ever. The only time you've been mad at me and there's energy behind it is when we're literally going back and forth in a discussion. Now we're raising our voice to talk over one another. 90% of the time you're mad at me. It's okay, maurice.

Speaker 1 26:28

All right.

Speaker 2 26:28

It's nice.

Speaker 1 26:29

So you're trying to say I'm passive, aggressive.

Speaker 2 26:33

It's nice, so you're trying to say I'm passive, aggressive. It's nice, it's calm, it's packaged, very, very pretty and it's direct and and looking at you. Okay, I'm gonna show you no, I'm, I never say I can show you, but I'm gonna show you and I can show you, but I can tell you that's in your wheelhouse baby. You say that listen, here you're, you're going to learn today.

Speaker 1 26:50

Listen here my directness. Okay, here we go.

Speaker 2 26:56

Your sandpaper reasoning. My directness that rubs against my soul.

Speaker 1 27:02

Listen.

Speaker 2 27:03

To irritate me. I don't know how, and when I come back at you.

Speaker 1 27:07

I don't know how to like sugarcoat things Like I. When I when I need to say something or I need to convey something to someone, I get to the point. I just say, like I get, I try to say I try to say like not just towards you, but just you know anything? Anybody Look you fucking up, but I say it in, in, in a, in a loving way, you know, I say it. I say it. I say it like hey. So I try to sandwich you. You know what I mean.

Speaker 1 27:37

Like hey you've done really great this week.

Speaker 2 27:40

So hold on Time out, time out, time out, time out.

Speaker 1 27:44

I see your efforts, however, time out, time out, time out. Shut up, time out, cut the the tape so what you're telling me?

Speaker 2 27:55

I gotta eat my julie hands. So what you're telling? What you're telling me, did you, you think?

Speaker 1 28:04

did I package it up? Did you package it up? I do? No, you don't okay. I don't okay. The example that I gave first, you, you admit it. You're like, yeah, you did that one time it wasn't that one time. Now, why are you gonna? Why are you gonna sit here and play me like that, in light of people I'm not playing? Why?

Speaker 3 28:21

are you trying to make it seem like I don't I?

Speaker 1 28:22

don't try to be intentional before I communicate with you. Now, if I'm, if I'm downright upset, or we had a previous spat or something, and there's something else I need to say, you gonna get it how it comes out you're like a pack of wild dogs yeah, you're and I, and that's why I always tell you, I literally always tell you. I am aware that my mouth can be a weapon.

Speaker 2 28:42

Oh, no, no, no, not that it can be, that it is I?

Speaker 1 28:47

I'm aware that my mouth can be a weapon and. And the only time I feel like I lash out like that is because I'm hurt, when I'm hurt and when I'm angry.

Speaker 1 28:58

I just want you to like, I want you to feel how hurt and angry I am. I want you to know how, like the stinging emotion that I'm feeling in that moment. I need you to feel that, and so the only way to convey that sometimes is through words. But I've never done that like like full force, like that with you, because I really, I really honestly do feel like I don't know if you would survive it.

Speaker 2 29:20

I don't think you understand, like I don't know how you try that.

Speaker 1 29:23

Like you said, you're calm uh-huh, you said, I was calm too you are calm, right but you have a passive, aggressive calm.

Speaker 2 29:29

But it's aggressive because literally you have your hands balled up in fist.

Speaker 1 29:36

Oh, my gosh, maurice. I do not. Okay, maurice, when have I balled my fist up at you? It's right here. No, I'm balling my fist like this because my hands are ashy.

Speaker 2 29:51

And when you're upset you're like our other friend, angel you go for the throat.

Speaker 1 30:02

No, I don't you do.

Speaker 2 30:04

That's not my intention and right above it and if I was to ever drown you in the level of verbal abuse that you?

Speaker 1 30:16

Wait a minute.

Speaker 2 30:18

Are you?

Speaker 1 30:18

trying to say that I verbally assault you.

Speaker 2 30:20

The level of verbal abuse that you Choose your words wisely. And sometimes, when you're upset, choose your words wisely, I would be a no good dude.

Speaker 1 30:31

I have never verbally abused you. I promise you I haven't.

Speaker 2 30:34

See, you ain't did it as bad as you want to I don't want to verbally abuse you. We all know you're a lady killer.

Speaker 1 30:44

I don't want to verbally abuse you. I think then one time you tell me you gonna be out there with them, birds of paradise but I won't be in the paradise, maurice, I literally have never said that I need you to cut it out, but anywho, when he talks about also criticizing, criticizing, so all you do about me is criticize me all day. There's that martyr attitude Again, the woman I love, there's that. My husband is like the biggest victim in our relationship I am not a victim don't do that shit I don't know, I did not play you just.

Speaker 1 31:25

You just said that you were verbally abused by your wife. I said when you mad, you just said that I verbally abused you. Yeah, when you hot-headed you do you come in full speed.

Speaker 2 31:35

Must I remind people how many times you attempted to stab me?

Speaker 1 31:37

Reese. Oh my gosh, you have got to stop Telling the truth. You have got to stop you. Lucky, I love you.

Speaker 2 31:45

I should have pressed charges the first time.

Speaker 1 31:48

Oh my gosh, no one tried to stab you, really, really, no one tried to stab you.

Speaker 2 31:53

No one pushed you or called you the B word in your mind In that fabricated story you made up in your mind.

Speaker 1 32:02

No, I didn't think it up in my mind. I was just trying to differentiate if you had called me the B word or not. And then I determined that you didn't.

Speaker 2 32:11

Your potential response to that was violence.

Speaker 1 32:17

No, it wasn't violence. Actually, I was trying to have a conversation with you and you were being like that was a conversation.

Speaker 2 32:26

It was a conversation.

Speaker 1 32:27

Okay, Anywho, back to the video. Anywho back to the video. How detrimental to a relationship do you think criticizing your partner is?

Speaker 2 32:41

It's very detrimental.

Speaker 1 32:44

Very.

Speaker 2 32:48

In what ways it can create. It's going to create a negative environment. It's going to make, um, your partner be unsure of what to do or how to act in certain situations or are certain moments, because they don't want, they don't want to be criticized for their decision in the moment, for their, for their way of going about things, for the way they you know what I'm saying. Like. So, like, if, if you're with someone and they're constantly criticizing you about, oh you, you're not doing this, right, you're not doing that right, right, you, you, you're going to start the second guess your decisions.

Speaker 3 33:25

Right.

Speaker 2 33:26

And then it might get to the point to where you just stop making decisions altogether and you just go. What do you want me to do?

Speaker 1 33:32

Yeah.

Speaker 2 33:32

So that way, whatever I do, it's on you because this is how you wanted it to be done. So I mean it is detrimental, because if you get to that point, then the person who was actually making decisions is now feels like you know. Well, if I got to tell you what to do, like you, my child.

Criticism, Constructive Feedback, and Relationships

Speaker 1 33:47

Yeah, you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 33:49

It's got to be a healthy balance, right? Why should I say that.

Speaker 1 33:56

But I think also there needs to be an understanding of difference, of what is criticism and what is maybe constructive feedback. Okay, do you understand what I mean?

Speaker 2 34:06

I never had no constructive feedback.

Speaker 1 34:15

I cannot, cann, cannot with you, I cannot with you, I can't. You've never had constructive feedback. I've had a lot of criticism see this and this goes back to the beginning of the clip about having a partner whose concerns come off as complaints. See, anything that I say is a criticism or a complaint.

Speaker 2 34:43

No, not me.

Speaker 1 34:46

You just said you've never had constructive feedback. So that means, even when I've tried to give you constructive feedback've only titled it as criticism. You, those were your words maybe those were your words maybe you're not packaging. No, we already established that I know how to properly package, so no, maybe you're not packaging no and distributing the message no and here comes the lack of accountability.

Speaker 2 35:13

Here we go. So now it's me.

Speaker 1 35:14

Here we go. So it's me here we go. So I'm just playing y'all, explain it away.

Speaker 2 35:18

I'm just playing, explain it away. I'm just playing y'all. I don't mean nothing, I'm saying Explain it away. I know I'm dead wrong in this. She got me dead to rights and I'm working on it.

Speaker 1 35:27

That's all you you got. I'm working on it. I'm working on it. The Lord is working on me it's just that you know.

Speaker 2 35:33

Y'all tune in and listen to what we gotta say, and I ain't got much to say cause I'm wrong in this. I can't defend myself because I ain't worth defending okay, bye, I think, with criticism.

Speaker 1 35:46

Criticism also leads to um second undermining communication undermining communication, and that's what you do.

Speaker 2 35:53

Yeah, let's talk about it Undermine communication.

Speaker 1 35:58

Undermine communication and it also creates resentment. Right, because when someone is constantly feeling criticized, then the resentment can settle in. It's okay, talk your shit Bye, maurice, cut it out. So undermining communication and resentment are two things you do not want to happen.

Speaker 2 36:22

No, I mean that's bad for a relationship, especially if you're trying to make it work and last a good while.

Speaker 1 36:28

Right while right. So then I like I say, I go back to asking how do you determine the difference? Between what between criticism and constructive?

Speaker 2 36:44

I think you can only really determine the difference after the fact, right? Because once your defenses are down, once your defenses are down and once you can actually see what the motive behind the words were, so, basically, once you've had a moment to step back and pretty much analyze the interaction, right, it's something it's like. It's like sometimes, like how you don't realize people are dissing you until you do, you walk away and then you'd be like you play it back like that.

Speaker 2 37:11

You know, yeah, it's kind of like that. It's kind of like it's. You're not going to always be quick of wit to catch it in the moment. You know what I mean.

Speaker 3 37:20

Yeah.

Speaker 2 37:21

So sometimes in retrospect, when you think back on the conversation you go oh, okay, or you go that mother? Yeah, it's going to go one or two ways.

Speaker 1 37:29

So what do you think you should do if, say, for example, your wife was trying to come to you with constructive criticism, and not just my wife.

Speaker 1 37:39

Just a wife in general, we're going to generalize, okay, please do you know if you had a wife who was coming to you with constructive criticism, right? Or trying to come to you in a problem solving manner oh, problem solving, Right. So if there is a disconnect in parenting, for example Okay Right, you guys are not on the same page in parenting and your wife comes to you and she's like hey, I wanted to talk to you about our parenting styles and how we want to move forward in disciplining our child, or disciplining the children, and would like give me some of your ideas, because the interaction that I saw that you had with the kids the other day I don't think was beneficial not only to your parenting but also to the children.

Speaker 1 38:21

So, I want to get on the same page with what we're going to do, moving forward on how to properly discipline the kids and for both of us.

Speaker 2 38:28

And that was packaged well.

Speaker 1 38:30

Oh wow, oh wow. The way you packaged that right there, maurice. That's quite literally how I package most things. That is quite literally how I package most things. You know, for me, when I try to have conversations with him, what I think about is work setting. That's what I be thinking about. I be thinking about work setting, you know, because I need to convey a point and I need to convey a concern without losing you, without without you feeling like you lost me 10 minutes ago bye.

Speaker 1 39:03

Without a feeling like somebody has like sorry what? Without you feeling like somebody has a hammer and beating you down? You know nobody saw that, but she's not abusive I'm not abusive, she just hit me oh my gosh, cut it out, gosh guys help me okay, but yeah, so I think that that that right there. What would be your response?

Speaker 2 39:29

to what you just said. Just said uh huh. I would say that first I would ask you what's the issue with my parenting, that you have my parenting? Okay okay, and then if I didn't agree that it was an issue, I probably I probably. I just didn't agree with what you said altogether I probably would give you a little pushback, but in my current therapeutic state, uh-huh, I would ask you what do you propose going forward?

Speaker 2 40:00

right right right and then that would be a healthy interaction, and if I don't agree with what you propose, I'm gonna say, yeah, you can. You can try that, but I'm gonna do things my way. You can try that, but I'm going to do things my way, you can try that you know what I mean. You know what I mean, son no.

Speaker 1 40:17

You know what?

Speaker 2 40:18

I mean kid, no, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 40:20

No, no.

Speaker 2 40:21

No, I'm sorry y'all, I ain't been serious this whole time.

Speaker 1 40:23

My wife's not good today, I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 40:25

At all.

Speaker 1 40:37

I'm no but um.

Speaker 2 40:38

No to the balcony or no to stop the criticism can also create a cycle of negativity. I think, oh, most definitely right, most definitely. Well, criticism, if not received properly, it it can only be received as negative. So of course it's going to be a bunch of negativity and and which would, like you said before, it was going to really lead to resentment and spitefulness and other adjectives I can't think of right now. It's going to lead to all those and trust and vulnerability right. All of it's intertwined all that, all of it is.

Speaker 1 41:04

I mean, it's just like again going back to parenting it's just like when you criticize your child, right when they they say that you, your words, can become your child's um, your child's. Like you can become your child's own worst critic, like your voice becomes their critic, or something like that. So that's why, you know, sometimes I, if I feel like I've raised my voice too much, or like if I am constantly repeating myself and now I'm starting to get upset, I try to check those emotions because I don't want how you said, every time you got yelled at was because it was something you weren't doing Right. So if you were a kid who constantly weren't doing the things you were supposed, to be doing.

Speaker 1 41:43

Guess what your day to day was like Constantly being yelled at, constant negativity, and that's why I randomly yell.

Speaker 2 41:51

Sometimes I just yell her name, don't want nothing, so she never know. I keep her on her toes. Sometimes I yell. I'm like I just want a hug. Yeah, what are you doing? I? Can't with you Missed you today.

Speaker 1 42:04

Yep Missed you today.

Speaker 2 42:06

Never know. She never keep her toes.

Speaker 1 42:08

I can't yeah, but in a nutshell, in a nutshell, in a nutshell, I do. I'm a firm believer that your perception is your reality, and when you have a partner that's coming to you with a valid concern and your constant perception is that they criticize you or that they always complain, then I think that's something that you need to dig a little deeper on and see what's going on within yourself, because every concern or every time your partner needs to talk to you, you can't always have defenses up.

Speaker 1 42:42

And you can't always be like, oh you just want to, you just bitch it or you just complain it, or every time you come to me, it's something. Maybe you need to listen. Sometimes you have to take the time to heal the child in you it's very, it's very true, and I like how most of the things that you don't even know that you need to deal with come up later in your adult years. Right, it comes up later in your adult years.

Speaker 2 43:05

I've said multiple times before that your partner can be a reflection because the more I talk to this therapist, the more I realize I messed up.

Speaker 1 43:14

You said, oh man, I said my child wasn't that bad.

Speaker 2 43:17

And then next, thing, you know, I'm crying. You're like oh man, I fucked up. Why am I crying?

Speaker 1 43:23

That's how you were. What was it last week, the week before last, why am I crying, he? I was like, how was therapy, babe, babe, I just cried the whole time. That's what happens, babe. You're breaking it all down. You're like, think of it as a brick wall and you're just acting away at that brick wall. I was in there legit crying, I know you were.

Speaker 2 43:43

I know I was red and everything.

Speaker 1 43:46

Were you surprised.

Speaker 2 43:47

I couldn't even eat afterwards. I cried so much. I felt like I had to go to sleep.

Speaker 1 43:51

Were you surprised? Yeah, because I didn't know that lady. I didn't know that lady, but she's getting, she's getting to some roots of things that and things that get brought to your attention, that you were literally not even aware of right you were not even aware of that it's like it's there and you're looking right over and you're looking right over it.

Speaker 1 44:12

and isn't it amazing how you find out how much stuff you compartmentalize, because your brain is always trying to protect you so when you get into therapy. For those of you who have never gone to therapy, when you do get into therapy, that's always like why, I would tell you. That's why they start with tell me about your childhood.

Speaker 2 44:29

I will say this before we move on. I'm going to toot your horn a little bit. Both my therapist and my primary doctor love my wife. My therapist literally told me well, at least you picked a good wife. And I said you don't know. Baby D.

Speaker 1 44:50

Bye, do not refer to me as Baby D. You don't know Baby D like that. Bye, you don't even know Baby D like that. You don't know Baby D. You don't know Baby D. I said she cool, but that's still Baby D.

Speaker 2 45:02

But I got mind control over you though.

Speaker 1 45:04

All right.

Speaker 2 45:06

You be like. You be like chill out, I'll chill when you leave. When you leave, I'll be wilding again.

Speaker 1 45:10

I'll be wilding again, babe. Goodbye. All right, guys, let's go ahead and move into one of my favorite segments, our two cents. Okay, babe, you ready?

Speaker 2 45:26

Nope, let's go.

Speaker 1 45:28

Am I the asshole for telling my wife that the house we're going to build won't have five extra rooms for her mom, her three brothers and her cousin?

Speaker 2 45:37

Oh hell.

Speaker 1 45:37

No, You're an asshole for this shit we're looking at house plans to submit to the town hall for approval for an acre we own out in Minnesota Four bedrooms, one for my wife and me and each of our two children, and an extra room as a playroom or a game room. Where's my family staying? That's what his wife said. She already promised them that they would be able to move in with us and she now is furious. That quote unquote. You only care about yourself, which is what she told her husband. Then she proceeds to say what about me? I told her that I didn't agree to that from the start. Now she's looking to sell land from under me. To prove a point, I guess Information.

Speaker 1 46:14

The land is owned jointly by my wife and myself. It was purchased using the life insurance payout that we got from the death of one of our one-year-old girl in 2021. Between then and now, I got a manufacturing job with a federal government contractor. Her family has no stake or right to our land. I got a call from the town's register about the ownership change increase for the land.

Speaker 1 46:40

We actually own two parcels and I offered to sell one parcel to her siblings for market value, but she declined. The house will be paid for by me and I told her that if her family wants, I could do an ADU, but they will also still have to pay market value for their rent, which will come out to about $900 each. She still declined. My current course of action is to transfer the ownership of the land into a trust, with my kids as the primary owners, with expressed instructions that only direct descendants of me may build or live on the property. I like that, I'm for it. I like that, I'm for it. Once you lock it up in that trust, it's a done deal, that's a done deal.

Speaker 2 47:19

I like that. It's wild to me that she thinks that he's entitled to take care of her parents, not her parents, just her mom her and her three brothers and cousins, her mom, her three, and I don't know where the cousin comes.

Speaker 1 47:33

I married you, I mean, but when you marry her, you do marry into her family but. But we started our own family right, and so your family takes precedent.

Speaker 2 47:42

Yes, your mother your cousin and your three brothers, yeah, are not my responsibility yeah and the last thing I'm gonna do is take care of three grown-ass men well, we don't know if they're grown.

Speaker 1 47:54

It just says three brothers. They might be teenagers, they still might be young.

Speaker 2 47:58

I don't care how old they are, they can work.

Speaker 1 48:00

But what he was saying, like how he said before, he said I didn't agree to that. We agreed that we were going to build a house on land that we got with the money that we got from the life insurance policy of their one-year-old. She took it upon herself and went to her mother and told her mother, three brothers and cousin that we will build enough bedrooms that everybody could live with us. Yeah, he said I didn't agree to that. So I'm not sure I'm not sure where the disconnect comes from you.

Speaker 1 48:28

You went and made a decision. You made an individual decision based on something that needed another approval.

Speaker 2 48:36

Not you trying to put a separate parcel of land in somebody else's name and take it up from under me?

Speaker 1 48:44

Not you trying to create divide in our marriage for your mom and brother and cousin Right?

Speaker 2 48:51

No, I'd go out there and bury the family dog, so it'd be a demon of the funeral Cemetery. Cemetery oh my yeah, how many then? You can't build nothing over here.

Speaker 1 49:03

It's a pet cemetery.

Speaker 2 49:04

Pet cemetery. I'm not sure if that's how that works. Head shot for the year.

Speaker 1 49:07

You better walk around like really deaf, but I'm not sure if that's how that works. I don't know. No matter.

Speaker 2 49:13

Well, bury your one year old daughter there.

Speaker 1 49:15

I'm sorry for your loss, though yeah, that's sad, that is really sad. But yeah, I, I don't, I agree like she can't, she can't do that no, that's what she filed for that yeah, I mean, if you didn't even already have a conversation with your husband about potentially housing your mom, your three brothers, and your mom is one thing right I can get if mom can't get around, dad's no longer around.

Speaker 2 49:36

If mom is at that stage in life and mom needs help, right, and your brothers are adults them boys.

Speaker 1 49:42

But what? That's what I'm saying, but we don't know. We don't know the ages. The bro, the boys, could be 10, 11 and 12.

Speaker 2 49:48

For all we know that's different I don't give a damn if they was two, four and six.

Speaker 1 49:54

Okay, but what I'm saying is that we're assuming that they're grown adults.

Speaker 2 49:58

They have to be If she got three kids.

Speaker 1 50:01

That don't mean nothing, babe. That don't mean nothing. All right, you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 50:06

You're not the asshole, sir.

Speaker 1 50:07

Yeah, I don't think you're the asshole.

Speaker 2 50:09

Actually do what you got to do, what you got to do.

Speaker 1 50:11

You're taking care of your family. You're trying to protect your family. You're trying to set something up for your kids. Do you boo? I got?

Speaker 2 50:17

it. Tell her you will build the other rooms, as long as, uh, they will. How house and home her sister Wives? What yeah?

Speaker 1 50:35

She want more people there might be put to his benefit. Okay, if you're not doing so already? If you're not doing so already, you can go ahead and follow us on all of our social media platforms only pans only pans tiktok, instagram, facebook, youtube. You can also write into us at life after I do podcast. At gmailcom you can can send us a DM on whatever listening platform you choose, you get a new episode every.

Speaker 2 51:00

Wednesday guys.

Speaker 1 51:01

Every Wednesday, so don't miss out. All right, and until we meet again.

Speaker 2 51:06

Peace booskies, peace booskies.