Life After I Do Podcast
Marriage and relationships can be tough. You may feel like you’re the only one struggling but you’re not. Life After I do is a weekly podcast where Morice and Kynesha, a black married millennial couple, share their experiences and advice on everything from kids and family to intimacy and connection. Noting is off limits.
In their 21 years together and 7 years of marriage, Morice and Kynesha have learned a lot about what it takes to make a relationship work. They know the importance of communication, trust and commitment. They also know it’s okay to not have it all figured out.
Join them every Wednesday as they talk about their own journey of “Life After I do”.
Life After I Do Podcast
Trust Issues
Balancing financial duties and family roles is essential to a strong relationship. We delve into the impact of long work hours, the importance of follow-through, and how unmet expectations can harm respect. Discover stories of empathy, mutual support, and trusting karma to handle life’s injustices. From managing private conversations to dealing with infidelity, we explore the art of navigating household dynamics, self-care, and forgiveness—avoiding the paths that lead to divorce.
we as men have to understand and recognize that our actions accompany I'm sorry that our words accompany with our actions are really what's important that if you say something, your actions better back it up so that you can stay on that pedestal or that stand on that mantle or whatever it is your partner has you on. Stay in a positive light in their eyes, because if you're constantly promising something and then backtracking and you become unreliable, then eventually they're going to stop asking you for things because they're not going to another episode of life after I do.
Speaker 2:I'm your host, nisha d, and I'm here with my husband, my husband.
Speaker 1:My husband Molito.
Speaker 2:Molito hey boo, hi babe.
Speaker 1:I only have one thing to say to you right now, from beginning to end 365 days of the year. Your glasses are fogging up. Are you hot?
Speaker 2:I'm hot. You got me hot and bothered All I want to do is have a night with you. Just keep on loving you. That's not the part I was singing, oh my gosh hey Bozkis Hi. Welcome home. Thanks, I was gone for two days you had me out here single for two days.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, I had to fight him off with a stick who was them?
Speaker 2:them in the gym, who nipples? Ain't nobody checking with me? You had to fight nipples off in the gym. Nipples was covered this week her favorite shirt must be dirty. It must have been a laundry day. It must have been a laundry day. Yeah, it must be.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it must have been a laundry day.
Speaker 2:It must have been a laundry day. Yeah, like you know, when you go to the gym and like you start seeing the regulars, you know you start giving them nicknames. We've given one of the young ladies there a nickname. She ain't young. She looks like she's probably in her early to mid 30s. That's young, um, we've. We've dubbed her as nipples because, because, her.
Speaker 1:Everything show but the nipples her shirts, can't?
Speaker 2:I mean her bralettes. She doesn't even wear a sports bra. Her bralette cannot get any lower. I mean, the fellas ain't mad about it no, it's not, and it's actually quite entertaining. Entertaining to watch how everybody be trying to focus on their reps and stuff and then she comes over there with her 10 pounders, and we're on people's day. She comes over there with her 10 pounders and she makes her scrunchie face.
Speaker 1:Okay, we're not Okay. Enough about nipples. How was your week, Booskis?
Speaker 2:Oh, my week was good your week.
Speaker 1:That was it. Well, my week was pretty good. Um, besides the fact that you know, we messed up the video last week, so we had no video, that made me mad, and then so you got an audio, but for those of you who watch us, you didn't get no visual um, and then the other part is I was lonely for the last two and a half days.
Speaker 2:Oh my goodness, I was gone for two days.
Speaker 1:Two and a half Lonely it was okay. I am so lonely, You're so dramatic.
Speaker 2:I had nobody To call my own.
Speaker 1:I felt I said, now I understand what Phoenix be saying.
Speaker 2:What when I'm gone?
Speaker 1:I said I ain't got nobody to sleep with me.
Speaker 2:I'm in this big house by myself. That's what she said last night when she was trying to convince me to get in my bed. She was like Mom, you have somebody to cuddle with, I don't have anybody in my bed, look here.
Speaker 1:It's Like I always tell you when y'all leave and I get the house to myself the first day. Day and a half is really nice. I get to go do things without being bothered.
Speaker 2:Right, that's what I'll be trying to tell you. Like, how are you not living your best life?
Speaker 1:I get to nap randomly, nobody's bothering me.
Speaker 2:I get to watch whatever without people complaining about cutting the volume down Right, but then by the end of the day you'd be like After about 36 to 40 hours, I'd be like I need my family back Right.
Speaker 1:It's too quiet around here, Ain't nobody stumping?
Speaker 2:No attitudes being thrown. No attitude being thrown. No law and order being played.
Speaker 1:I don't hear no gym mats getting beat up. My life is just not in sync. Life is just not in sync. Your life is not in sync. I was able to sit down and play Call of Duty unbothered.
Speaker 2:I said what is this? Nobody came into your room bothering you. Nobody asked me for batteries, Nobody asked you a million questions. Nobody said what you want to eat. Nobody said what you want to eat. It was really a. It was giving you. Don't think you want to be single?
Speaker 1:It was giving I could be single two days a week, but then I need my wife back. Oh, okay, so I'm not saying like you can be single two days a week, but like you can't be with nobody, see, see, I'm not saying go out there and be with somebody those two days, I'm just saying like I'm just saying you can leave, you just leave. And I'll leave you just leave.
Speaker 2:I did. I left for two days and you complained about two days.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I really missed you at night though.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, Let me tell you I had to tell my mom that I was like Mom. Okay, so first of all, for the people listening, I went and spent two days at my sister's house this past weekend because my sister has moved to Colorado, so my mother and I went up to her house up north.
Speaker 2:Well, she's moved out of the state. So we went up north to, you know, spend time with her before she made a trip, because she's just making a trip. She didn't like move there, she was just making a trip to Colorado and so everything is fine, like, of course I love. You know, both of my nephews are there, my great niece is there, my mom, my sister. We went out for like a family dinner. Can't tell you when's the last time that happened, but it was like super fun um, the second night, yeah, both of the boys went, like it was.
Speaker 2:It was literally just like old times, like when they were kids, and we were just all together and I was just like I'm loving it. And I really do think they were feeling the same way too, because my youngest nephew his name is Demarie and he was like I get off of work at three, like I went and visited him at work the day before and when I walked in he was like oh auntie, like he was really surprised. So I think they were kind of feeling and having like a family there too.
Speaker 2:And feeling having like a family there too, and so um, so. But when it came down to the nighttime, like when me and phoenix was ready to wind down, her too she was the same way. Like when we was ready to wind down, it was like if we weren't so far away from home we'd be home we would be so y'all didn't miss me, y'all just missed y'all bed we missed everything. We missed you our beds, the home like our routine.
Speaker 1:You've heard it here, you know like everything you heard it here first.
Speaker 2:I am not shit to my, okay, goodbye, you are and it's funny because it took me back to when I was younger, that one time that my mom let me stay the night around the corner at my friend's house, and my mom said the same thing, she was like that's exactly why you couldn't stay the night at anybody's house either, because, like for one, she wasn't feeling it, she was like but for two. The one time you did, when it was time to go to bed, you called and was like well, the fun is over.
Speaker 1:So and I feel that's exactly the way.
Speaker 2:Phoenix would be at that damn if we let her go to sleep over, she'd be like well, are we done? Playing are we done? Because if it's let her go to sleepover, she'd be like well, are we done? Playing Are we done? Because if it's time to go to sleep, then I'm going to go ahead and call my mom and dad.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to sleep here because, I don't know.
Speaker 2:Because it is not being in your routine and not being in your bed at night is just it hit different. It hit different and I've been to some really nice hotels and even that does not compare.
Speaker 1:I don't know. That does not compare to my bed. Let me say something that Hyatt.
Speaker 2:It still didn't, that Hyatt Still didn't compare to my bed.
Speaker 1:Next to SeaWorld in San Diego.
Speaker 2:Really.
Speaker 1:That was like eight years ago. It was a long time we stayed there. That bed was probably my favorite vacation.
Speaker 2:Still doesn't compare to my bed Now the one in the Hilton in New York got to do better.
Speaker 1:It still didn't compare to my bed, the one in Manhattan. I thought it'd be a little more comfortable.
Speaker 2:No, I mean, nothing beats the comfort of having my eight pillows behind me 16. And having my pillows behind me, having my favorite blanket like my favorite pillow for my leg, and you know, nothing beats it.
Speaker 1:You miss your massager the most. My massager, my heating pad on my back, y'all see, it is literally a performance for her to get ready to sleep.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this talks crap. So I have have like let me see.
Speaker 1:What is it?
Speaker 2:one, two, three, four, five six, seven, so I have seven pillows. Um, then I have my heating pad for my back if my back is, like you know, acting up and then I have my shoulder thing I put on for my massager, and then I put on my eye mask and then I have my little elevator thing for my legs. I have all that on the side of my bed and he'd be looking at me like when he comes in the room and he sees me all set up, you're like this is ridiculous, but it's comfortable but I also know I gotta catch you before, before you set up, if I want to get lucky.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you do, because once I set my pillows up, once my eye mask is going, once I got the heating pad and the shoulder massager going and my legs is elevated. It's not going to happen Once that heating pad is at full power. I'm out of time. Yep, yep.
Speaker 1:Because she's not going to let the heat off her back.
Speaker 2:Nope, I'm out of time. Yep, yep, because she's not going to let the heat off her back. Nope, I'm not going to do it. What we got today, not going to.
Speaker 1:What we got today.
Speaker 2:What we got today. That's a reaction, that's a reaction video. So you know, I feel like it's your. I don't want to say typical, but you know the things that constantly come up in marriage and the way he kind of simplified it Money, power and sex Bye the way he kind of simplified it in. Here is. I just want to have the conversation.
Speaker 1:Okay, let's have it, let's hear it, all right.
Speaker 3:So I'm going to give you the three reasons why wives lose respect for their husbands the most, at least the ones that I see most commonly with my patients. Ok, number one is what you might, as a husband, think of as avoiding responsibility because you're busy and tired. For a woman it comes off as lazy. So while they're kind of maintaining the household, you come home. It looks like you don't want to help. That looks like laziness and that's very hard for women to kind of deal with when they've been home all day working. Number two emotional neglect. If you don't know how to empathize with your wife, if you're always trying to solve her problems and not actually understand emotionally where she's at, that's going to lose respect. And the number one reason that wives lose respect for their husbands is a lack of follow through. So husbands will say, yes, you're right, I'll change, and then nothing changes. That will lose respect more than anything, and it's the hardest one to come back from.
Speaker 2:Oh wow, what are your thoughts About my glasses back off for?
Speaker 1:this one, and you know here, here's the thing with this.
Speaker 2:I, because we also do one, and you know here and here's the thing with this, I because we also do have, you know, some fathers who were, like the roles were reversed. You know what I mean, like if you have stay-at-home fathers, or if you have the father who's the default parent about a situation when they both work um because I'll be damned if I come in this. It didn't sound like it I was at the working 13 hours.
Speaker 1:I need you to do something around here.
Speaker 2:Well see, and here's the thing, and I thought about that too. So the way I think about that for, like myself, and I've talked to you about this before too is, like, on the weekends, oh yeah, yeah you know what I?
Speaker 2:mean like on the weekends is I mean during the week, there is a whole schedule that happens. You know what I mean. You go to work, I'm here, she's at school. That gives me time to do what I need to do here. Whatever you know, like I always tell you um before you've been home, like this extended period of time, you never knew what went on during the day at home you never knew what went on during the day so when you came home at night, it was like my only end game was to how the house would be and how the house would look when you came home.
Speaker 2:I created the illusion for you.
Speaker 3:You really did.
Speaker 1:You really did. That is what your household is like Now that the curtain has been peeled back Right, and I see the truth. Because let me tell y'all something Hold on, baby, hold on, hold on. Let me tell y'all something out there, if you don't know, I've been off work for a while, for whatever reasons, but while I was working, my wife had me believe she had me spoiled, because I would come home every day to a meal, a clean house and a freshly showered wife, and I loved it. Now that I have been home, I understand.
Speaker 2:Things are way different.
Speaker 1:That, that meal, that shower and that clean home all took place 40 to 50 minutes.
Speaker 2:Before I got home Before I got home Now you know why.
Speaker 2:Also, I used to hate when you would like just pop up and I'd be like, seriously, dude, you have to tell me when you're coming home, you tell me when you're clocking out. Because here's the thing, like, okay, now we're getting kind of like off subject. But the thing is is I started to drive myself crazy, trying to especially when she was little and required a lot more attention trying to keep the house. Trying to like keep everything in order and keep the house how it was. When you came home, like during the day, like I was literally walking behind her and trying to clean things up. Every time we messed up the dishes, like and it was just, it was just too much.
Speaker 2:So I was just like we just don't live. Like it's a house, it's supposed to be lived in. Okay, it gets messy. Like she's fine, I'm okay, we're having fun together. Like I'm interacting with her, we will go to the park, like my thing was. If the whole purpose of me being here was to take care of her, that's what I'm going to do, like she wasn't growing up in filth or anything like that. You know what I'm saying? No, I know, but I'm just saying so once I kind of like figured out my routine.
Speaker 2:My thing was like, okay, I'm gonna just do night cleaning, like I'm not going to stress myself all through the day because my only my end of the bargain was okay, if my end of the bargain was okay, if I'm gonna go like you said, if I'm gonna go to work, like I don't think it's asking too much that the house is taken care of, she's taken care of blah blah. So I was just like, okay, as long as he come home to a clean house, his kid is taken care of like I don't look a hot mess and he can eat. I mean, I've done, I've done my bargain, I didn't complain much. I know you didn't complain much, I know you didn't complain much.
Speaker 2:So, but, um, but anyway, like kind of going back to what he was saying, um, with husbands who appear to be lazy, with, like our situation on the weekend, when you were working all day during the week, that's when I would be like, okay, dude, like you don't get to completely be hands off, and I think that's kind of where some people take, take the whole. You know, if you're at home and I work and kind of thing, or even if it's both parents working, it's automatically like, just because you go out and you work and you provide for your family, you think you can be hands off with majority of everything. Or you use the excuse like, ok, well, when I try, the kids don't take to me like they take to you, ok it's no, no, no, no no.
Speaker 2:You don't get an out, so I'm not giving you out, here we go.
Speaker 1:But you know, you know me, I got it, I got to shoot my fellas, bail OK.
Speaker 2:But you know me, I got to shoot my fellas a bell. Okay, go ahead. You know Go ahead Sometimes, go ahead. You finna try to explain it.
Speaker 1:Us as men, uh-huh, we just don't want to be in the way.
Speaker 2:Okay, don't start that, because he says that he's only saying that because this was a recent topic in our household and he and I just got into a tiff. Okay, a little tussle if you say and. So now he's about to try to explain what he tried to explain to me the other day about. I just didn't want to be in your way bullshit.
Speaker 1:Sometimes we got the way because you know a lot of it's like. It's like the other doctor has said. I forgot her name A lot of times. Even when we do the action, whatever it may be, we then, instead of getting praised for completing the action, we get criticized because we didn't do it to your standard.
Speaker 2:OK, so I want, I want to, I want to talk about something really.
Speaker 1:OK, now you know you can interject something.
Speaker 2:No, I'm just saying because this whole and I only say this because we just had a recent discussion with another couple friend of ours, um, couples, you know a couple and um you, both you and him yeah, we're not mentioned about this, this praise and what us wives were trying to explain to you guys is okay. He like he said you know, when I take out the trash, I expect to be rewarded. It's your trash, okay, here you live in the house, you contributed to the trash and just like how you say we don't get rewarded, we get but the thing is it's like?
Speaker 1:rewarded was probably not the best word.
Speaker 2:But you used it.
Speaker 1:The word.
Speaker 2:I didn't use it.
Speaker 1:He used it. No, the proper word would be more. So, the recognition, the acknowledgement, okay, that we, that not only did we go out and provide today, we came in and we helped in the area, especially in our dynamic, which I'm really not supposed to help him because of our agreement, but so I I can't okay, go ahead, finish, no, so so. So if I, if I go to work and then I come home and I cook, I'm not, that's not part of the agreement. Agreement is if I'm working, you're cooking okay, that's that's fine.
Speaker 1:So so, and by acknowledgement, what I'm saying is, all I need is just a quick, simple I appreciate you, babe, or thanks for cooking, babe, which a lot of times you do, right, but recently, since I've been off, yeah, now you expect me to do things.
Speaker 2:Cause you're, cause you're in the house, right, because you're here every day with me, but I'm still carrying the financial load 100%.
Speaker 2:Okay, whether I'm here or not, okay, but you still help. So that's why I stay out the way, okay, no, no, that's not how that works. I stay in my office. No, that's not how that works. Now I will say I will give you credit. I will give you credit that you have. You have because of the last discussion that we had that I had with you about what's at your hand, about because you're here, right, you can be in more involved in the house, like you can be more and you have been, so that's why the line at cleaning.
Speaker 2:I really don't like cleaning, maurice. I don't think nobody really genuinely likes cleaning. But you also don't like to live, maurice. I don't think nobody really genuinely likes cleaning, but you also don't like to live in filth, and you also don't want to model being filthy and dirty to your kid, because then you're going to complain about her being filthy and dirty.
Speaker 1:But I don't think I'm lazy because I'll straighten up. I'm just not going to deep clean.
Speaker 2:I agree with that. I agree with that. I'll straighten up You'll wash the dishes but you won't clean the kitchen, like I'll straighten up and it'd be right.
Speaker 1:It's like the pregame for your deep clean.
Speaker 2:You'll straighten up your room, but you won't dust.
Speaker 1:So like. So like when you get in there you ain't got to do as much as you would have done in there and laid the groundwork. So it's like. It's like they use a baseball reference, shout out to the Dodgers they're just one of my Dodgers. They use a reference. You know I lead off, right, I'm lead off batter, and then like then you bat four, you clean up, so I lead off, I go in there, I take care of the minor stuff, and then you come in there and just hit them.
Speaker 2:Reese, please don't make me hit you. I don't condone violence. Please don't make me hit you, I don't condone violence.
Speaker 1:Going back to the video. Going back to the video, I would say that I can see how that can be a thing, because I do. I know a lot of men who their view on things is if I'm paying the bills, I shouldn't have to do anything else, right, right, and I don't subscribe to that. I do think that paying the bills like we talk about this often right, this is really irritating me. We talk about this often that financial provision is just part of provision, right, it's not where it starts or where it ends, right, especially when children are involved, right. So, being active, helping with the children, that's going to include doing things that you know, lord knows that, things that I don't want to do, but I still do them because I'm a part of the family, I'm a part of the union.
Speaker 1:That's the part and I have to sometimes. Like we said, sometimes my role is adjusted on the fly based off the needs of the family Right. So I can see how laziness be a trigger because if you have someone like if I'm going to work right money before, you said, when the friday you had no problem. We're not doing nothing with you friday right, I didn't expect you to.
Speaker 1:You were working 14 16 hour days but but if on saturday and sunday I'm sitting on the couch all day while you, while you're doing laundry and you're taking kids to practice and grocery shop and all that and and you look over, then I can see how you view me as lazy, because I always say is like the weird thing about the dynamic that we have now what you, being a stay at home mom, is that neither one of us really get the day off.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 1:Right, we just get a day off from certain, certain roles Right. So on my weekend I'm no longer an employee, but now I'm an employee at home. Now I have to come in to kind of ease up off you so that you can have some time to yourself. Yeah, Because just how I want time to myself, you want time to yourself.
Speaker 2:And then we got to find time together as a family.
Speaker 1:Right. That's why I, like I always tell people the way it works for us is that my first day off is family day. This is the time where I'm going to spend time with you, I'm going to spend time with her. We're going to, we're going to do a bonding something together something. We're going to do something together, whether it's go out to eat, go to a movie, go whatever take her somewhere whatever it is, that's family day.
Speaker 1:The day before I go back to work, the morning of the day, I'll do family stuff, yeah, but midday it's me, it's just you, yeah and we and that and that works, you know.
Speaker 2:But I think, when he's referring, when he's talking about this, I think there are some well, there's not doing shit there are some men who who literally just think if I'm taking the financial load off of you, you should do everything you can take everything else. And the thing is is, if you have someone, if you have a man who is out there busting his butt to provide for an entire household financially, for me personally, as as your wife and as your woman, I had no problem being at home, like you know, doing what I need to do at home. Yeah, your couple elections just show me. Did you have no problem being here? Bye, I had no problem doing that. Now, granted, yes, it gets. It gets tiring right.
Speaker 2:And I think like how right, and so does going to work. But I think, like how you said, was there's moments where you also recognize that, even though I worked 16 hours today, but, she comes. But you come home and it's a weekday and you can see that she's not asleep yet and I'm having a tough time putting her down. You're still a father, you're still a husband, you're still a father, and even on those it may not happen every single day, but for you to just turn.
Speaker 2:but when it happens, you also have to recognize that you are still someone's father and someone's husband and even though you went out there and worked 16 hours and you've been gone since the crack of dawn, if your wife still needs to say like hey, like tap in, or if you see that she's struggling, you cannot sit there and just be like well, I work 16 hours a day and I'm tired as hell, so I'm finna go to sleep.
Speaker 1:This is how I look at it. First of all, let me just say this the three things he lists to me, they're all intertwined yeah, they're all for sure.
Speaker 1:But the way I look at it is as a man me myself. I'm not gonna speak for all men, me myself. I look at it as is, depending on the space I'm in. I wear a different hat right and just because I clocked all clocked out right. So at work I'm I'm, I'm, I'm provider Mo, I am earning the living Right. Then I walked through this door and now I'm husband and father. Right, I'm not husband and father in my role while working. While those are still part of my identity, they're not in the forefront of my identity.
Speaker 2:It's not what you're focused on right now.
Speaker 1:So when I come into the home, I have to switch my brain. Now I'm husband and father, and now I have to look and say well, I just gave my employer my devotion for however long. Now it's time for me to pour into my family if my family needs me and that's the mindset I have. That's why I understand that when I come home some days I'm going to have to do some things, that I'm tired, everybody's tired, even the child is tired, because Lord knows her schedule is rigorous. When I come home some days.
Speaker 3:I'm going to have to do some things that I did.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm tired, everybody's tired, even even the child is tired because, lord knows, her schedule is rigorous too. So it's just something that I've learned, that this is just the way of life. It's not that I don't feel like, you know, when I come home and do something like, oh my God, here she goes, she just, she just wants to be on my nerves, to be on my nerves. Because I also understand that, like going into the second thing, the emotional thing, right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was just about to say that. I also know that sometimes when I come home I can look at you and say she is emotionally done, yeah, and when I see your face I go, okay, now I have to get up and carry this part of the relationship. So I'll tell you hey, babe, just call me now I got it, I'll deal with her. Yeah, because when you start yelling and you get short with her, she has been on your nerves for a long time. And then when you start getting overwhelmed, that's not good for nobody in the house. Yeah, because I'm going to just say it the house don't run right if you're not here.
Speaker 1:I'm just saying I you know, because I don't know where she is at.
Speaker 2:Obviously, don't get me started. Don't get me started.
Speaker 1:So that's part of me being in tune with your emotion and being able to pick up on how you're feeling emotionally Right now. The part he spoke to about not trying to fix all your problems for men that's hard, because we're problem fixers, but I think that's why, for us, the whole rule we have of am I responding or am I listening, so that way I know, because if I'm responding, if you want me to respond what you're trying to tell me, I'm going to try to fix what's going on. If you just want me to listen, I'm going to just let you get it off, walk away, and then I'm going to respond to it a couple days later.
Speaker 1:And we've talked about that so, but that seems to work to us right.
Speaker 2:But we asked that we have that open dialogue and it doesn't always work.
Speaker 1:Okay, most of the time. Yeah, but sometimes I know like, okay, is this a conversation where I just need to hold you and that you get it out, yeah, or do I need to sit back and let you cuss me out because everybody else made you mad?
Speaker 2:Or just like let me unload Right, but also, when I do unload, I'm not expecting for the solution, I'm just expecting for you to see my perspective and just to support my side.
Speaker 1:And I understand that, and a lot of times us as men, the logical thinking works against us because we are not attuned to our woman's emotions, because we're not putting in the effort to be.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and you're probably also thinking that it would just be quicker if I can just do it and get it done.
Speaker 1:Let me just because, because the default answer is, let me solve the problem.
Speaker 2:So we can just be done with it. So it's not a problem, yeah, and then she won't feel this way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but a lot of times. What I've learned is that, a lot of times solved, I just want to complain about it, okay, and go back to it your family, and then go back to it. Okay, you know, that's what I say, right? And then tying it to the other part, which I agree 100%, the no follow through. Oh nothing worse the no follow through. This is where you lose all trust.
Speaker 2:Like he said, respect, trust, respect, all that all of it goes down the drain now, what do I always tell you? I just told this to you the other day. I don't listen to you. You say so much I can't I?
Speaker 2:said. I said never, what never, never overestimate what you're going to get done and under deliver. Right, I can't, I, I, I, my brain cannot take it, my brain cannot take it. Like, and I tried to say it so nicely to you when we were in the car because I could see the look on your face and I knew how heated I was getting and I was like do not overestimate, don't tell me you're going to do something and under deliver and I was trying to explain that sometimes things are said at a certain time and then the, the variables change in the equation and so the outcome.
Speaker 2:I know you're trying to explain it away.
Speaker 1:So then, the outcome is not what I projected it to be, because now there's other factors right, but nonetheless it's still my bad.
Speaker 2:This is why I stopped making promises when it comes I don't care what it is when it comes to house projects, when it comes to scheduling trips, when, like I I told him I was like you can't, you can't do that, like if you really want me to give you the side eye and you really want to be around here not knowing where my attitude and everything comes from where it come from go, go ahead and and overestimate what you can, can deliver and we don't have a big problem marriage in general.
Speaker 1:Why are you talking about?
Speaker 2:well, I'm just talking about that is marriage in general. We're married.
Speaker 1:Talking about me. Oh my gosh, I feel like I'm out here just Real relationship and marriage discussions. You're out here acting like I'm just not following through with nothing.
Speaker 2:No, I didn't say that.
Speaker 1:No, I didn't say that If your follow through was a problem, when you give a man a house project, it may not be done in six hours, six days, six years, six decades, but it's going to get done when we have time. No. When we have time, because, like I said before, it's not that we don't want to do it, it's just when life hits us and we, a lot of times we just forget, or it's just it's no longer a priority.
Speaker 2:I love how you try to keep saying we, but this is literally the explanation you gave me about you with the flower bed.
Speaker 1:When I said we, I'm talking about men.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I know, but you're referring to you, but disguising it as a we as men, because we're talking about the damn flower bed in the front of the house.
Speaker 1:A lot of times you know 50% of a project is better than none. Okay.
Speaker 2:What about 20% of a project?
Speaker 1:That far above 50% done. All it needs is soil.
Speaker 2:All it needs is to be put together.
Speaker 1:It's soil. This isn't about me. Is to be put together? It's soil, it's not about me.
Speaker 2:This is about marriages. It's about marriages, you're right.
Speaker 1:So I can understand how the no follow through consistently can be yeah. Because it builds up a lack of trust, Absolutely Because you. A woman has to be able to feel as if she can count on.
Speaker 2:Count on you.
Speaker 1:And if she feels like she can't count on you because every time she's coming to you for something and you're promising something and not following through yeah, you're now showing her a pattern of unreliability which is not security and if you're not right, if you're not reliable you're, you can't then uh confirm with her that she's secure in her position, or even whatever the finance, whatever the case may be Right.
Speaker 1:So a lot of times I don't. We as men have to understand and recognize that our actions accompany I'm sorry that our words accompany with our actions are really what's important that if you say something, your actions better back it up so that you can stay on that pedestal or that stand on that mantle or whatever it is your partner has you on. Stay in a positive light in their eyes, Because if you're constantly promising something and then backtracking and you become unreliable, then they're going to eventually they're going to stop asking you for things because they're not going to trust that you can complete or do things or go out and get it for themselves, and then that's going to leave you feeling some type of way, because their attitude will definitely change.
Speaker 2:And when their attitude changes, then it's like why are you being mean to me?
Speaker 1:But, like I said to my fellows out there, when you're working 60 hours a week, you don't want to be doing half this shit.
Speaker 2:Listen, I can understand that.
Speaker 1:But that's why I say do not overcommit and underdeliver.
Speaker 2:Only commit to what you can physically and know what you can do. If you're a person who works 60 hours a week. If you're a husband who works 60 hours a week but you've promised a two-story treehouse to your kids I would never do that, but you work 60 hours a week. If your husband who works 60 hours a week but you've promised a two-story uh treehouse to your kids, I would never do that but you work 60 hours a week.
Speaker 1:Be realistic because I'm not gonna take it down with coding for bff what?
Speaker 2:how do you say bffr? I don't know. Be for real. Like, when are you gonna have the time to build a two-story treehouse? You work 60 hours a week. So don't don't don't over like, overestimate what you can deliver. Be reasonable if all you can do is like a little tent hut, that that's all. That's all I can commit to right now whatever you can commit to can I say something? Yes fellas.
Speaker 2:we gotta stop saying we gonna get things done on vacation, that's like saying I'm going to pay you back when I get my taxes.
Speaker 1:Because the truth of the matter is is the second we go on vacation. We don't want to do shit. Because you want to be on vacation. So it makes the tasks, it makes the honey-do lists, it makes the old weekend projects that much more daunting. If it's not something you're into Now, like if you're into carpentry or whatever the case may be, yeah, you're looking forward to that. But if it's something, you're not looking forward to it because you have the option of relaxing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you are going to choose to relax. You're going to choose to relax, especially if you work.
Speaker 1:And then when you do that, she's going to look at you as if you're not following through. And, ladies, stop trying to spend all of our vacation time doing what you want to do. Give us some days to ourselves.
Speaker 2:I do agree with that, but not more than 40 hours. Okay.
Speaker 1:Because then I'm going to have a problem.
Speaker 2:Goodbye. I do agree with that. I do think everybody this goes back to what we've talked about before Everybody needs time to themselves, like. Everybody needs like a little period of time, a little period.
Speaker 1:Shut up Lachana.
Speaker 2:Everybody does need a little time to themselves to recharge, to be in their own presence, like the conversation we were having with our other couple of friends and another mom, and when I was telling them that I go off and I get lunch by myself and I go and I park somewhere and I have. I have a favorite parking lot I like to go to. It's safe, it's not Michael's, it's not. No, it's not. It's not Michael's, it's a. It's a parking lot where no one is there.
Speaker 2:Why would I be in a parking lot where there's full of people? No, anyway, um, I have a favorite spot that I like to go to and I'll go and grab lunch, or I'll go and grab myself a smoothie or something and I'll sit there and I'll turn on a show, or I'll bring my journal or my iPad with me and I'll either sit in that parking lot and I'll journal, or I'll sit in that parking lot and I'll look at a movie or something, but it literally is just time to myself, like, or if you know she's down for a nap and you know you're in the room, I'll be in the room by myself where I like to go to the closet. That's one of my other favorite places, but just so that I can have time with Kynesha, I need that time with myself, and some of the other moms are like you don't feel guilty, I don't know, like having your family at home and you're no, I don't, I don't know, I don't.
Speaker 1:Because I to, in order for me to try to show up for you guys, I have to, I have to pour into me somehow like you said, everybody needs a chance to recharge.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's it, and it's just I. And here's the thing I enjoy my company you're pretty cool I and I enjoy me. I enjoy me. I enjoy being like. I remember the first time I went to a movie by myself. I literally, literally took myself on a date, I took myself to dinner and I went to a movie and I had the best time, because I agree with that the best time.
Speaker 1:I agree with that because when I take myself out, I have the best conversation.
Speaker 2:You have the best conversation, the best time, because I am really funny. Okay, if you're literally.
Speaker 1:That's not. I am a great conversationalist.
Speaker 2:Okay, I don't. We might need to get you checked out, or have you see someone else? Are you answering your own questions?
Speaker 1:Of course, I have the best answers.
Speaker 2:Oh no, you don't answer your own questions it's not a good sign.
Speaker 1:Okay, this has been another episode I love you.
Speaker 2:I'm teasing, but yeah. But like you were saying, with the whole follow-through, I think he was dead on and making that number one. He was definitely dead on and making that number one. He was definitely dead on in making that number one. But the no follow through goes both ways, absolutely, totally agree, totally agree.
Speaker 1:I would say this list works for men too, except for the second one.
Speaker 2:Like we don't really have to be oh, the emotional.
Speaker 1:Right, as long as you beating our knees, you ain't got to really meet us emotional. We'll figure that out Because we, a lot of times men don't know how to process it. A lot of times men don't know how to process their emotions in a good way, right?
Speaker 2:So we're just going to ignore them.
Speaker 1:Outside of anger. But for men like yeah, if you tell me you're going to do something, I expect you to do it as well, especially if you're like hey Me.
Speaker 2:I mean meet me in the bedroom.
Speaker 1:You hit me up and say, hey, babe, I'm gonna do a little freak thing.
Speaker 2:I'm expecting that, but then I put my eye mask on like that train going around. I wake up and say what's good, my boy what's good, my boy, when you ignored your husband last night and he wake up now, he one of your homies you obviously just my homie you done.
Speaker 1:Sent me all these spicy texts all day, you, I called you talking spicy. Now I come on, you act like you. You, you tired, your head hurt, you sleep. Nah, no, drink this water. You had to follow through. Here goes some. Here goes some advil. Because now I got all this pent up in me to let out I worked 16 hours and I waited to get home. They work these 16 minutes 16 minutes. Yeah, that's it. I got to use a foreplay.
Speaker 2:That's still a long time.
Speaker 1:Well, 160, 1600 minutes seconds.
Speaker 2:Bye baby.
Speaker 1:How long that is. Somebody do a math, put in the comments 1600 seconds.
Speaker 2:I don't know. That just took me on a detour because I can't remember what it was I was watching, but they were talking about how when people talk about they can be intimate and stuff for hours and hours at a time and it's like somebody popped in and was like who's having sex for an hour? No one's doing that, especially if you got kids who. Who's having sex for an hour?
Speaker 1:no one's doing, especially if you got kids? No one's having sex for an hour, if you got, if you got. If you have kids and you get a solid like 10 to your just y'all too, you can do a lot of 10 you can do a lot.
Speaker 2:I mean, 10 minutes is a long time, a lot. 10 minutes is a long time a lot.
Speaker 1:I know because you know I wrestled in wrestling rounds of three minutes and it was like the longest three minutes of your life.
Speaker 2:If you, if you don't think a minute is a long time, a minute is a long time, get on a rope at the gym, yeah, or plank, yeah three minutes plank, or or sprint at full speed for three for one minute for one minute. Yeah, you never know. Like when I had you on that rope, you was looking at me like it's a minute up. 60 seconds is a long time when you're sitting there on that rope.
Speaker 1:I feel like my heart's about to blow up, right All right, let's move on into our two cents, our two cents. Our two cents, our two cents.
Speaker 2:I'm going to do it like this Our two cents. Okay, ready. You out All right. Am I the asshole for posting screen recordings of my husband talking to his mistress, who's also married?
Speaker 1:Hold, on Wait what Hold on Posting screen recordings Screen recordings of my husband talking. Like they were.
Speaker 2:FaceTiming, talking to his mistress, who's also married.
Speaker 1:They were like.
Speaker 2:FaceTiming, just like their messages and stuff.
Speaker 1:Oh, like, okay, she took a screen recording Like screenshots. Okay, oh, she gone.
Speaker 2:I've been married to my husband for almost five years. During this time he has put me through hell oh damn, Finding out about him cheating and being an addict. What kind of addict? Probably drugs, None of which I signed up for. I've been faithful and true to him. He's been horribly abusive to me financially, emotionally and mentally. I forgave him for his infidelity about a year ago. I know he's cheated on me more. I just don't have proof. But the girl that he's cheated with is a girl he's had something to do with for most of his adult life. She cheats on him with her husband and obviously he does the same to me. I told him that I want a divorce a couple of months ago. We're still living together but are looking to get divorced. I'm logged into his TikTok account and he doesn't know it. It was set up using my email.
Speaker 1:Be petty, and you do it well, I don't think you'd be an asshole, okay, but you'd be petty and I like it so would you do it.
Speaker 2:The second part was she said what do you do? I say post them, so you would just put a drama. I would post them too. I would post them look at you start the fire. I would post them only because he has everyone.
Speaker 1:You start the fire.
Speaker 2:I got the lives with but I would post it only because I I know people like that that have other people fooled. You know, like, if I didn't know the ins and outs and you around here and everyone thinks like you're just, you're just as sweet as american pie and you do no wrong, and so if you guys were to get divorced, it's gonna be like, oh my gosh, what happened? Like he was such a good guy like you know what I mean. It's like nah boo.
Speaker 1:This is what he been doing behind closed doors also I wanna say that I love when couples do this on Facebook and I get their read, cause it's like you're reading the fight and and I hate that and I'd be like I actually hate that, because they write like they talk and then it doesn't make sense. But then I'm looking for updates constantly that's because you just like drama. I like. I don't like drama in my life. I like looking at that's terrible.
Speaker 2:That's terrible, but man, I don't think.
Speaker 1:I don't think you're, I don't think you would be an asshole at all. You've said that you've been married five years. He's been repeatedly cheating on you. He so-called If he really loves this woman as much. I mean, I don't understand what's taking so long to get the divorce.
Speaker 2:Apparently. There's some hoops and hurdles some people have to go through to get a divorce. It's not as easy apparently to dissolve. You want to test it and see yeah, but I'm not going to go back if we do oh damn, I didn't think about that. Yeah, think about it.
Speaker 1:So we should be living like.
Speaker 2:Bye. Anywho, I think you know what sticks out for me about that is how many times we hear and read about um people in marriages developing, uh, addictions. Oh yeah, that, that, that part for me, is what really sticks out, because a lot of the behavior could also stem from him developing an addiction true right true. So it's like what has happened and what right has transpired that?
Speaker 1:because this could be a response to trauma, some type of trauma, trauma, trauma with the addiction, like that part right there is a little frightening for me.
Speaker 2:Dang baby, you shot a bill. I didn't hear that you had a bill. You shooting a bill? Okay, I'm not trying, that's not what I'm trying to do. You shooting a bill, I'm not trying to do that. He going through something I still very much understand where you're coming from and still divorce you.
Speaker 1:Let me talk about my mom, what she's saying beloved.
Speaker 2:Okay, we're not doing this, okay.
Speaker 1:Homie may be going through something that he don't feel comfortable about talking to you, and this is his trauma response. Now I'm not saying what he doing is right.
Speaker 2:Okay, now cut it out. Now cut it out.
Speaker 1:He may Cut it out, just need some help to see how his wrongdoing, cut it out.
Speaker 2:I'm not doing this with you today. I'm not.
Speaker 1:No, post them though. Post them, yeah, and when you post them, can you you know?
Speaker 2:I'm thinking about it more and more. Maybe I wouldn't post it. Why? For me personally, that's just not who I am when I really think about it why? Like. Sometimes I want to be that person why?
Speaker 1:why are you?
Speaker 2:I do.
Speaker 1:I do sometimes are you scared of what they might say about you?
Speaker 2:oh no no, I'm just saying like me as a person, like part of me wants to be, like I want to be, that get back at you person sometimes. Well, let me show you my. But I just don't think that I have it in me, because part of me always feels like by me doing nothing, your karma is gonna be worse your karma is gonna be worse and I don't I don't need to push it along like add to that.
Speaker 1:Oh, I don't need to add to that I'm happy you feel that way, because I'm personal.
Speaker 2:But not only that. Not only that, my lack of reaction or revenge also makes it worse for the person who wronged me. Oh wow, because you doing something back to them or getting revenge is something that they expect. When you do nothing, they're not expecting that.
Speaker 3:Right, so then they're constantly.
Speaker 2:they have no choice but to sit with the decisions that they've made and how they've wronged you, and that feels worse.
Speaker 1:Because a lot of times people want you to do something back, so they justify, justify what they're doing.
Speaker 2:It's going to justify their actions and I and me personally, I enjoy like I told you when we had the conversation about the whole cheating thing the whole adultery. Like if I ever caught you cheating or something part of me would just be like the whole adultery. Like if I ever caught you cheating or something part of me would just be like, okay, and I know, by me not reacting or me not, you know, trying to get my revenge, or yelling, screaming, hooping and hollering at you, it's going to eat you up and I'll get satisfaction knowing that you're miserable.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's where my satisfaction comes like I'm not working by your game plan it still would, because I also know you. But in this situation, it really sucks being a good guy they really do finish last sometimes this has been another episode. Ladies, I might be singing soon. I love you if any ladies out there looking for a man that works 12 hours a day, you haven't worked 12 hours a day.
Speaker 2:You haven't worked 12 hours a day in the past two months.
Speaker 1:When I go back. Uh-oh If you're looking for a man that works. When I go back Averages about 12 hours a day, I'm a decent earner.
Speaker 2:No more. 16s.
Speaker 1:No more 16s. I can't do that.
Speaker 2:I can't do it.
Speaker 1:I can't do it got a tape, I'm done you got the tape them 16s hit different got the tape them 14 and 16s hit different oh, I'm sure you'd be mad.
Speaker 2:I can only recall two instances in my life where I stayed at work one for 14 hours and one for 16 hours and I said you won't get me again, you won't get me twice.
Speaker 1:when you do 16s, you lose track of what day it is, and then I think if you're doing them consistently, then you just you just, you just be irritated for no reason.
Speaker 2:No, you're. You're irritated for a reason. It's called lack of sleep, improper diet, having to be somewhere you don't want to be for hours at a time there's a whole host of reasons.
Speaker 1:Well, Savannah, if you're listening, I'm a good man.
Speaker 2:Are you going to be good to her broke, though I ain't going to be broke. When you leave up out of here, you will be no, I'm not Okay. I got a plan for be broke. When you leave up out of here, you will be. No, I'm not Okay.
Speaker 1:I got a plan for the plan.
Speaker 2:I hope so, because, savannah, I'm just letting you know.
Speaker 1:Call my good buddy Dexter Morgan.
Speaker 2:Just saying Savannah, you can have him, but you won't have him the way I do, but you can have him, he's a good man, savannah, you can have him, but you won't have him the way I do, but you can have him, he's a good man, savannah, he's a good man. That feels nice. Babe, your gym sessions are paying off.
Speaker 1:I'm rubbing his arms, by the way, for those who are listening. This has been another episode of Life, after I Do.
Speaker 2:Do, do, do, do, do. Did we just switch the talk?
Speaker 1:Yeah, because you're doing the most your arm feels good if you're not already, you can follow us on all social media. We're on Facebook, instagram, tiktok, youtube and OnlyPans, if there was one make sure you like comment, subscribe, share, share repost, tell a friend.
Speaker 2:I guess that's scary.
Speaker 1:Yeah, tell a friend, tell a friend, to tell a friend. Like always, there's new episodes every.
Speaker 2:Wednesday.
Speaker 1:And until next time, peace booskies.
Speaker 2:Peace booskies.
