Life After I Do Podcast
Marriage and relationships can be tough. You may feel like you’re the only one struggling but you’re not. Life After I do is a weekly podcast where Morice and Kynesha, a black married millennial couple, share their experiences and advice on everything from kids and family to intimacy and connection. Noting is off limits.
In their 21 years together and 7 years of marriage, Morice and Kynesha have learned a lot about what it takes to make a relationship work. They know the importance of communication, trust and commitment. They also know it’s okay to not have it all figured out.
Join them every Wednesday as they talk about their own journey of “Life After I do”.
Life After I Do Podcast
Thriving Without Ties
Ever questioned the real difference between single and married life? Join us as we challenge societal norms around happiness, marriage, and gender roles, debunking myths about the one-size-fits-all path. We dive into the emotional dynamics of relationships, societal pressures on women, and the unique joys of different life choices—kids or no kids, marriage or staying single. Explore love, commitment, and self-discovery as we celebrate the freedom to carve out your own journey to fulfillment and lasting happiness.
When you're in a marriage, in a functioning marriage, in a functioning relationship that functions properly, both parties are going to lose themselves somewhat, because that's what the give and take comes up, because if I'm pouring into the relationship and my wife is pouring into the relationship, we're not 100% of who we were.
Speaker 2:Right, because we're trying to create a one Right.
Speaker 1:Right, so we all lose part of ourselves hey everybody and welcome back to another episode of Life.
Speaker 2:After I Do, I am your host, the hostess with the mostess, nisha D. Thank you, thank you, please, please. Hold your applause, please, but I am joined here today with this spectacular human being. Okay, I'm putting too much on it. Well, let's go. Oh, my gosh, really. Hold the applause. Thank you Hold the applause. Hold the applause.
Speaker 1:Thank you.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, oh, my ears are a little itchy. Yeah, you should wash you.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, oh my ears a little itchy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, should wash them I, I do wash my ears.
Speaker 1:Listen here, listen here you started it. You said today that we should start this thing what where?
Speaker 2:we, you started it okay. So today we were in target and, um, he was like we went there for a protein shake because he's out of protein shakes. So after we worked out, we went to Target so he could pick up a single protein shake. And so we walk in and they keep them right there at the front of the store and so he picks up one that's room temperature and as we're going to check out, he sees one or there was one or two left in the fridge.
Speaker 1:It was like one or two, but they never have. The 42 grams in the fridge was like one, two, but they never have the 42 grams in the.
Speaker 2:So the one that he drinks, they found he found in the fridge and it was literally like the last two on the shelf and so he goes. Oh man, they did this just for me and I was like they did it I told him on me. I said I said we should go through the rest of the day, and every time each one of us says something like happy or positive, we should say the opposite, the opposite thing so you brought this on yourself yeah, so that's what we've been kind of.
Speaker 1:Anyway, hey, booskies, that's what we've been kind of doing today hi how's your day or your week, or whatever you want to call it?
Speaker 2:uh, my day, right now, my day started off. It started off mid, started off real mid and, and as of right now, it's still very me. No, I, it's because, it's because I'm, I'm, I am a little tired. Um, I'm hungry, I'm dead, I'm dead again. I can run circles around this bitch. Um, no, I'm, I'm a little like, I'm a little tired. I'm feeling not overwhelmed, I just feel like I know how I want to spend my energy, and because I can't exactly spend my energy how I want it to today now, it creates a little bit of, I guess, anxiety for lack of a better verbiage.
Speaker 2:And then on top of that, I have the hunger like the hunger hormone right now is like hunger hormone.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's like the hormone monsters from big miles. I didn't, I didn't see, sure.
Speaker 2:Sure, that's a real thing, though the hunger, okay, maybe not, but yeah, like the, the snack and hunger one today.
Speaker 1:Well, I will say I was very proud of you for pushing through the workout. Thank you, thank you, even though you were acting like a weak I was not.
Speaker 2:And I even told because Phoenix was like how was your workout today? I was like Fi, let me tell you. I said mommy really had to pull it out the mud today. And she was like what? And I said I had to push through Fee. I said I really had to push through because mommy did not feel like working out today.
Speaker 1:I said, but I did feel better after I worked out yeah, I know, like when we got to the point where you're like I'm not, I'm not doing the tire, I said yeah okay, you don't got to. But I said but I'm finna, go out here and still do it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I said, because what I said, what you not going to do, is throw me off track no, I wasn't trying to throw you off track, it's just that I was just like I didn't really I don't know, I just really wasn't feeling it. And then I think what it was, too, is when I'm in that mood of where I'm really trying to dig deep, to push myself to do something. I need to do it and get through it. We have had these discussions since we've been working out together, you be pausing, sometimes too long for me, or resting too long for me, and then, when you had to go find the dumbbells for me today, I was like where did he go? To Timbuktu?
Speaker 1:But I realized that all the dumbbells were like, or the kettlebells were all over the place today, and so you're like you wanted a 45 pound kettlebell and I went searching for it. So I got grief for searching for what you wanted.
Speaker 2:No, you didn't get grief. I'm just saying, like, when I'm in the headspace that I was in today, I'm trying to push through.
Speaker 3:I'm trying not to make excuses, but it's like even with the warm up.
Speaker 2:Right With the warm up, you always ask me you're like oh my gosh, you're done with your warm-up. It don't take that long to do to do five reps for a warm-up, other warm-up.
Speaker 1:It does take you a long time I'm like stop it.
Speaker 2:I'm just like, like when we did the bench presses, we do, we do the three, what is it? Three set warm up and it's 5-5-3. Yeah, and I always do my warm up with my lowest weight.
Speaker 1:But it's like you have no pauses between your warm ups.
Speaker 2:I do have a pause, but I don't have a break. A 22 second pause. I don't have a break. You have a whole break. I wait 30 seconds. It'd be feeling hella long. Anyway, I say that to say, when I'm trying to like push through, it's important for me to like get through it, like I'm not trying to rush through it, but I'm also not trying to make it longer than it needs to be. Like I need to get this workout in and stick to the commitment and then I need to bounce yeah, bounce to the commitment. And then I need to, I need to bounce bounce with me, bounce with me. Okay, yeah, but other than that, I'm really, I'm really actually, um, happy that I went and then I stuck, you know because when we woke up this morning, you said if you wasn't here, I would be.
Speaker 2:I would go drop her off at school and come back home and I said that's how I know you weren't committed last time. Sure would, sure would, because that's how I felt. That's how I felt this morning.
Speaker 1:Your level of commitment was not where I needed you to be really, really don't play me like that, but it's cool, though.
Speaker 2:Don't play me like that, but, um, anywho, yeah, so I'm happy that I I did do that and it was also nice having a few hours to myself today in the house, like the house was quiet. Yeah, I sat at my desk. I ate my breakfast. I was like, oh, and then your mom had commented on my breakfast because I posted it and she was like, um, she was like what is that? And I told her what it was and she was like that doesn't look good. And I was like but it actually is. I was like it's just my mama coming for you right.
Speaker 2:I was like it's just egg whites, spinach with like chopped up beef and tomatoes, and she was like OK, how was your day or week, babe? Um, I don't know. You've been doing really good, though I do, I want to say I do want to say I'm proud of you.
Speaker 1:Well, I ain't got nothing else to do.
Speaker 2:Well, I mean, but it's helping right Mentally.
Speaker 1:It is helping me mentally. Yeah, and you know, I never really got into what happened to me or whatever, but it is like the one thing I look forward to, because I had had a conversation many times with my buddy Andy about this. It's like the gym is the one place where you don't think about the outside problems.
Speaker 2:You're just thinking about what you're doing so that that 50 to an hour and a half.
Speaker 1:I spend in the gym pretty much two days a week now, like it does help me not, but then again it's like it's I'm not focusing on it, so it helps that way, but then I at the same time it's not really helping me because I'm not dealing with it, and I think I started dealing with it a little bit this week and like coming to terms with some things.
Speaker 1:So I mean, the week was like, yeah, you know, and you know, my weight loss kind of slowed down a little bit, so I was mad about that, but you know, but I get it, I probably get it.
Speaker 2:I was like but you're gaining muscle like I can feel it. Yeah, calm down yeah, I'm gonna have handlebars soon.
Speaker 1:Calm down, okay, and I was a little disappointed when I was a little disappointed when I didn't hit that 225 but oh, on the bench press.
Speaker 2:You're almost there though I'm in like.
Speaker 1:I'm in like 210 right now.
Speaker 2:You're almost there, so he's trying he's trying to get to two plates of 45 on each side for the bench press. I'm working up to 45 on each side. He said that he needs to hurry up and get to those two plates. He said before I get to the one plate because he does not want me that close.
Speaker 1:He doesn't want me to be that close to him in bench pressing I gotta be double strong.
Speaker 2:What Double strong. Want me to be that close to him and bench pressing? I gotta be double strong. What Double strong? I have to be double strong.
Speaker 1:So from now, on when it's anything upper body, I'm doing twice the weight you do.
Speaker 2:Because you feel like that's where you should be able to get me. I have to, oh, I have to. Is that the mentality you?
Speaker 1:have going in. That's the mentality.
Speaker 2:Okay, that's the mentality you have going.
Speaker 1:Okay, so now I need to switch my mentality so if you pick up 50s, I'm picking up hundreds.
Speaker 2:I don't care if I'm struggling, I don't care were you proud of me when I picked up that 100 dumbbell and did some squats with it. You remember when we were, when we were doing oh you carried it for two feet.
Speaker 1:Did one spot that you're done?
Speaker 2:I didn't do one squat, I did three squats. Don't lay my life, but yes, I did I was like I had I'm done cut the tape. I told him we were. We were doing. What were we doing um?
Speaker 1:we're doing incline dumbbell press oh yes, incline dumbbell press.
Speaker 2:And I saw the 100 pound dumbbells and I was just like I said I just want to like, I just want to pick it up. And he was like pick it up. He was like pick it up what you gonna do with it. And I was like I wonder if I could do some squats with it. And so I picked it up and I was like, okay, like it up, what you going to do with it. And I was like I wonder if I could do some squats with it. And so I picked it up and I was like, okay, like it's heavy, you know. And then I did three squats and I was like cut the tape.
Speaker 2:Cut the tape I was like. But my squats would be on point if I started using that 100-pound dumbbell.
Speaker 1:I will say this I do feel like me and my daughter has come to somewhat of understanding this week.
Speaker 2:Oh, you do, Please elaborate.
Speaker 1:Because I missed it. We've had a couple of conversations without you around.
Speaker 2:Oh, okay, that's why I missed it. Okay, you should have times with her, that's good.
Speaker 1:We had some understandings.
Speaker 2:What did you guys come to an understanding I've been working on talking more peacefully to her.
Speaker 1:Because, that little person steps on every nerve I have. I said I don't know if your mama gave you the blueprint. No no it's just, it's your it's your.
Speaker 2:You control how you react. So so it has more to do with you and your inner than anything.
Speaker 1:This is my week.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, go. I'm just saying.
Speaker 1:So I made progress there.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I've made some progress in the gym, I've made some progress mentally, so I mean, and I'm also, I'm finally just accepting things as they are, and I think that's what's helping me a lot.
Speaker 2:Trying not to fight against it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm just like whatever. If this wave hits, as long as my family got a roof and food, I ain't worried about it.
Speaker 2:You said que sera sera? Yeah, what will be?
Speaker 1:will be Hakuna Matata.
Speaker 2:No worries, I got worries.
Speaker 1:I'm lying.
Speaker 2:When you said Hakuna Matata, it means no worries. Here's what was said Hakuna Matata.
Speaker 1:So it's been a decent week, I guess.
Speaker 2:You're working through it, yeah, yeah, and I'm proud of you because I can see it. Yeah, I'm really, really proud of you. That's the man that I know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because I'm letting you down. I want you back. You need to leave me now.
Speaker 2:Wait, what did you tell me today?
Speaker 1:No, that chance was in like uh, 2007, between 2007 we were talking about something and I was like uh, I said uh like better options and I said something about how you stuck around when you when you shouldn't have oh yeah and I was like, especially like 2007 you, I mean, if you would have left, I would understood, like I get it like no hard feelings.
Speaker 2:I wish you well. I'll stay holding you back yeah, because, well, we were talking about, um, it was a comment from your one of your black men marriage groups, and it was, oh, it was the one where he was like how do you handle a wife who doesn't?
Speaker 1:um, I don't think that was what we were talking about. It wasn't that one. No, we were not talking about that Okay.
Speaker 2:I forgot, yeah. But yeah, that one was funny though. So, yeah, you had a good week, that's good.
Speaker 1:It was me, but it was good it was improving. It was me.
Speaker 2:It's getting better, it's getting better. So you're making progress. Yeah, I'm coming slowly but surely proud of you, babe, okay look at you using your shovel digging? You get it. Shovel digging yourself, yeah, okay, but it's not, it's more like one of them, sand shovels it's what one of them sand shovels you use to make sand cancels because the shovel is so small so you're only able to make small dents. It's like the ones you give the babies at the beach. It's plastic too, so it's also bending, so you're not able to scoop.
Speaker 1:As long as it don't break.
Speaker 2:It might. If it's plastic and you're scooping sand, it might break. Let me know if it does, because I can't be around for that.
Speaker 1:What we got today a reaction.
Speaker 2:I just want to get your opinion. It's your opinion on something, um, I mean I think I think we have had like these types of conversations, you know, with friends of ours and stuff. But it was just interesting when I came across this video and I was like I don't know how true that is, but I mean I've heard it before, so ready, let's get it. Here we go.
Speaker 3:Facts are that women who do not have children and are not married live longer than women who are married with children. They earn more money, they are healthier, they are less likely to die of suicide, less likely to report themselves depressed and anxious, and more sexually satisfied than women who are married with children. So the opposite is true of men, that married men do not outperform single men, and the reason for that is that women pour their lives into their partners, and so they literally exchange literal years of their life by pouring into their partner, uplifting their partner, who will then thrive and succeed and prosper, and the woman will wilt in the giving Cut the tape.
Speaker 2:I'm done, cut the tape. Like when I first heard it, I said okay, this isn't the first time I've heard this concept or whatever.
Speaker 1:Y'all don't want to be with us. It's so bad.
Speaker 2:No, so bad. First of all, don't throw me in the group because I'm not trying to be single.
Speaker 1:Going out there to a job that a man created for him.
Speaker 2:Oh, he's going to take this approach. I don't think that's wise.
Speaker 1:I don't think that's wise, navigating through an economy that a man created, buying goods that a man made. Oh, talk about how we holding y'all back.
Speaker 2:No one said anything about y'all holding us back and all the things that, all the things that you just said. There are some women at home providing a whole life for that man to go out there and create those products, start those businesses and do it uninhibited but still get the benefits of having a family, and I think that's what she was trying to say. That's the point she was trying to make.
Speaker 1:I just think women don't want to do nothing.
Speaker 2:Maurice, stop, I told you not. I told you not when we started.
Speaker 1:Not what.
Speaker 2:To Shanann.
Speaker 1:I told you to let me Shanann one time. I'm going to Shanann again.
Speaker 2:I'm going to shenan again. I'm shenan again. He just says random things.
Speaker 1:Well.
Speaker 2:I got to say things for the shock value. Well, don't say things for the shock value, because I'm really trying to ask you what your real perspective about this is. I don't think that applies to our situation.
Speaker 1:Okay, well, we're not just talking about us, we're talking about the Hold on Now. You just remind me we were talking about this earlier yeah, okay when I said you should have left an upset, when I was holding you back and I'm sorry because we were talking about, but I don't think now, I don't think that applies, I think that I do think in general in general, I I'm talking about us okay I do think that earlier on you poured a lot into us because of what I was going through mentally right.
Speaker 1:And my mental state of losing my parents and losing my aunt, and losing the people close to me, and then trying to navigate grief while still becoming a young man Right.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Right. So, while trying to do multiple things at once and not having the energy, the motivation, the wherewithal to even take a step forward, because I had more stuff internally pushing me back than motivating me to walk forward Right, so at that time in our life you did pour more Right dumped into the relationship where I went full feet running trying to provide you everything. Um, I could, I possibly could try to make up for the years of your life that I wasted, which I still kind of do now.
Speaker 2:Well, I don't think you wasted them, but I do. Well, I mean, I did have a choice you know like, and I made the choice, but, more more importantly, how many years off my life do you think that was just a ballpark probably two tops two, tops probably two.
Speaker 1:You wasn't that stressed probably two tops we just were not living. We were not living in a great space.
Speaker 2:Two tops we just were not living we were not living in a great space two tops we had everything we needed to survive. We just weren't living at our best but I think when she talks about okay, this is how I'm trying to like put, it into perspective.
Speaker 2:I want you to read these numbers off, because I don't think this is real well, okay, so a quick search of um single women living longer, because she had mentioned that they also live longer. It says that married females are still living the longest, with a gap to singles of three and a half to five and a half years like I said, because that men die first okay, uh, the largest gaps are between married or cohabitating widowed and widowed females.
Speaker 2:Okay, and that's from cambridge university press and assessment, okay so after the man has died but okay, I think about, if you, if you kind of compartmentalize it a little bit, right, if you take someone who is married, so has has a husband, has a home, has children, has children with extracurricular activities, let's just say she also works, right, so she's a working mom, working wife and takes care of the home and everything Right, and she is the default parent. So she's primarily dealing with all the things in the home for the most part, okay. Okay, not to say dad doesn't do anything, but predominantly she takes care of like mostly household chores, getting children to and from practices and things like that. And dad, he works and then he also contributes to like chores and things like that. So I think when she's talking about single women who are happier, if you compare a single woman to a married woman who has children and a single woman who doesn't have children, yeah, it might seem like the single woman is living a happier life.
Speaker 2:She ain't got the responsibility of children but she doesn't have the responsibility of children and she doesn't have the same scope of responsibilities as a married person does. But that doesn't negate the fact that a married person can't be happy, and I don't think that she's saying that, but she's just saying I'm happy. Oh, this is me, I'm happy write this down.
Speaker 1:I don't know what the somebody marked this bye, listen.
Speaker 2:I think, too, when we talk about because this is another thing and this is going to be coming up in a series that we're going to be doing guys about the whole quote unquote happy and being happy in marriage, happiness is, in my opinion, happiness is also, like your perspective, it has a lot to do with your day to day, with your perspective your day to day. Nobody, nobody should be getting married with just the intention of because I want to be happy.
Speaker 2:That is literally not how that works I do subscribe to the whole notion that my happiness, you're not responsible for my happiness not completely, no, you don't think you're responsible for it at all okay, but you, you do have a responsibility to yourself as far as, like your happiness, attaining your goals, and like there's still individual responsibilities that you have, even as a married individual. You know what I'm saying. But when she talks about how single women live longer, they make more money, they do this OK. So if we talk about them making more money, if we compare that to a married old mom.
Speaker 1:They only make more money if they're driven.
Speaker 2:Yeah, right that to a married old mom they only make more money if they're driven.
Speaker 1:Yeah, right, that's, but that's what I'm saying. Single working, uh, being a waitress at a diner getting by, right, be content with that right, but that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:Like even when I was doing the quick research I was just saying, I found I found both sides being proven. Does that make sense?
Speaker 3:Like I found articles that said validity yes.
Speaker 2:Validity to both. But I think when she was saying it and she was making it sound as though like this is just definitive I mean, you have to take into consideration the population that was surveyed and you know there's a whole host of things that come into consideration surveyed and you know there's a whole host of things that come into consideration. But when I was thinking about it in my mind, I was just saying comparing a married person to somebody who's single, and then they also did the. I found a research article where they did singles, but broken down into different categories because they're single people who cohabitate with the opposite sex. Yeah, so they basically, like quote unquote, live as they're married. So are they still reaping the same benefits?
Speaker 1:Probably Because they can walk out at any time.
Speaker 2:They can tie it down Right, so Sounds like a good plan. Goodbye To just cohabitate.
Speaker 1:No, I need um, I can't go have to, I need, I need definitions and relationships. I need, I need to have defined roles and defined purposes. Oh, so I can know how I can, so I know so I know how to move okay okay, that's just me personally that's just my personal stance, um, but yeah.
Speaker 2:So when she's saying essentially, it sounds like to me, even though, whether she was spitting statistical facts that she researched or participated in, it sounds like she was um, propagandizing not getting married, like trying to enforce, like this is I don't need a man.
Speaker 1:I don't need a man movie coming back.
Speaker 2:Right, right and it's, it's, yes, it's giving very I don't need a man, and I do, and I do understand like I've. I'm on social media too, and I partake in some of the I say with air quotes, reality I don't even remember.
Speaker 1:Then they hire movers. Then they hire a plumber, an electrician. Who all happened to? Who all happened to?
Speaker 2:Capacity babe. They're talking about like as far as being with a man marrying a man, because I think it also goes back to that conversation that we had before about if marriage is beneficial for women and when you kind of break down the scope of the roles for women in a marriage and the roles for men in a marriage, even if you don't abide by traditional roles or traditional concepts, usually women take on more in the relationship in the day to day, the mental load. Whose fault is that, babe? We're not trying to find faults where. I'm just saying I'm just saying let's talk about everything. Okay, but you're going to make me lose my train of thought.
Speaker 2:No I don't want you to shut up, I'm just saying you're going to make me lose my train of thought, but the women tend to take on more of more of that load. Right, so that would make sense.
Speaker 1:The women take on more of what load.
Speaker 2:The mental load, the day-to-day task, things like that. So essentially she was saying that women pour so much into men to give them the allowance to do all the things that they need to do that essentially there's nothing left for you and you deplete so much energy that you die sooner and that you wilt away, Like how she said, literally and the same can be said for men, for good men, for for the men that sits there and stresses day to day on how to provide and put their family in the best situation.
Speaker 1:Saying can be said for the man that goes out there and works 60 hours a week so that his family doesn't want for anything right, but that's what she's saying the same can be said for the man that literally loses himself in his family, doesn't want for anything, right, but that's what she's saying. The same can be said for the man that literally loses himself in his family in provision, mm, hmm, and he in provision becomes his whole identity. The same can be said, men, we lose ourself way more than we talk about.
Speaker 1:Ok, I thought you were going to say something else, Well go ahead and when we try to regain ourself, once we realize that we are losing ourselves. We don't even know what we look like anymore. We don't even know what we're into anymore.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:We don't even know what we're fond of.
Speaker 2:That works for men and women.
Speaker 1:So that's what I'm saying. That's why conversations like this, I feel, a lot of times are asinine, because the rules and the facts can be portrayed this way on both sides of the aisle Right and when you're in a marriage, you know, in a functioning marriage, in a functioning relationship that functions properly, both, both parties are going to lose their self somewhat, because that's what what they give and take comes up, because if I'm pouring into the relationship and my wife is pouring into the relationship, we're not 100% of who we were.
Speaker 2:Right, because we're trying to create a one Right.
Speaker 1:So we all lose part of ourselves, and that's what I'm saying. This is really giving.
Speaker 2:That's not necessarily a bad thing.
Speaker 1:I'm not saying it's a bad thing. But, this is giving that I don't need a man and thing. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but this is giving the I don't need a man and it's like you don't have to lose yourself, the best part of yourself, in a marriage, in a relationship. Right, If anything, your marriage and your relationship should bring out the parts of you that you didn't know, that you enjoyed.
Speaker 2:That's exactly what I was going to say, or parts about you that you didn't know, because I do believe that being in a relationship is like a mirror, right. So when I say that for me, when I say that I see certain things in you that I can recognize because they're in me, or you will show me something that doesn't necessarily align with who or what I am, but it also makes me think of well, maybe I can look at how I'm doing this a different way. You see what I mean. So it's like, if it kind of goes back to what was I think it was last week on the reaction video, where he had a wife who was excessively late all the time, right, so it's like that part of him can recognize that his wife has a poor time management issue because he does, because he doesn't have that.
Speaker 2:Do you see what I'm saying? And it's like, uh, it's like you bounce, you kind of like bounce off of that. But as far as being in like long-term committed relationships or being in a marriage, I do agree with what you say. Like, yes, you, you do begin to lose a little bit of part of yourself, but I don't think of it. I don't think of it in a space of just losing yourself. It's almost like you're. You may be losing some aspects, but gaining other aspects about yourself, in conjunction with your partner especially when you've been with someone for a extended period of time.
Speaker 1:Right, you become you become like a part of that person. Right, because you pick up their habits. They pick up your habits. Oh gosh, right you become. You become like a part of that person. Right, because you pick up their habits.
Speaker 2:They pick up your habits.
Speaker 1:Oh gosh, yes, that part you know, and then, and then it's not that, it's not that you wouldn't necessarily have come across these habits without them, but you for you to pick up the habits. It means you find some enjoyment in the habit, so it's in some way, shape or form. It could be an improvement, it could be detrimental.
Speaker 2:It could be a bad habit. It could be a bad habit, yeah.
Speaker 1:But either way you were drawn to that.
Speaker 1:So it's not necessarily a bad thing by default. It could also be something in which it's something that you didn't realize, that you enjoyed or considered before, enjoyed or are considered before because you have to understand that you know in, in co-mingling, there is the possibilities to discover things that you would never have thought about and there's the possibility to, um, do certain things or procedures in certain orders or in certain uh, in certain factions that you would never had considered before, because you just weren't showing these things Right.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:It's almost like you guys are getting together and you're becoming a like a mini think tank. Right, because I'm, I'm bringing in my life and my experiences and my upbringing, and you're doing that the same thing on your side, and then we're creating it at the same time, and then we're creating, and then we're then, and then we're creating the example of what part of our children's yeah, what their blueprint will be.
Speaker 1:So it's like it's not always a negative thing, and I do think that a lot of times people try to focus on the negative parts of things. But I do also feel like at the end of the day, you can be single all you want, but when it's 7 pm Friday and you're by yourself, bye.
Speaker 2:And you sit there and you land up in that bed. Bye Demel. 7 pm Friday. I know I'm going to be at 7 pm, 95 degrees.
Speaker 1:I know I'm going to be at 7 pm Friday.
Speaker 2:I ain't gonna be lonely? That's not. I can tell you where I'm not gonna be by myself by myself.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna be saying babe, cue it up okay, so okay.
Speaker 2:when she talked about um single women who didn't have children live a a happier, healthier life, it says here um mothers are genuinely are generally happier with their lives than non-mothers, and that's from the Institute for Family Studies.
Speaker 1:Here's my thought on this. It's very hard for me to believe that a woman without children lives a happier life. That's not hard for me to believe. It's hard for me to believe. It's hard for me to believe. That here's why I believe that women without children tend to regret that later in life, later in life okay.
Speaker 2:So that's why I was saying I it's not hard for me to believe, because I'm thinking like, especially in the earlier years, yeah, but that that's.
Speaker 1:That's like selling your soul to the devil. But then when it's time to pay the bill, oh shit, yeah, I gotta pay the bill. So I believe that women with children, do you know?
Speaker 1:they live a more stressful life because children, children will stress you out yeah so I would say, the one without without children they're less, less stress, because children are stressful yeah but when it comes to the final days, and you get to watch your children grow up, especially if you've raised them or they want to be around yeah, and you get to watch your children grow up especially if you've raised them or they want to be around. Yeah, and you see your grandchildren and you see, you see the generations what you've created. And what's going to, because the whole part about having children is that when you're gone, there's something still here of you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it can continue Right Like a legacy when you're single is your cat or your daughter and you give all your money to your niece or your nephew.
Speaker 2:But the thing is is that some people's children become their nieces and nephews. Well, that's true, yeah, so I mean there is more than one way to.
Speaker 1:But at the same time, I think they lean into that. Me personally, I believe that it comes a point in time in every woman's life where she would have liked to at least had a child. That's my, that's my personal. I mean, I'm not a woman. I may be wrong.
Speaker 2:Cause I was like that was my first thing. I was like oh, he's speaking like he, like he but I, but I do believe also.
Speaker 1:I believe that's, for I do believe that there's a small percentage of men who don't want kids, but they don't. They don't want kids for selfish reasons, right.
Speaker 2:Right, I do think like what? What would be a selfish reason for not wanting to? Just want to be?
Speaker 1:selfish. They want everything to be about them.
Speaker 2:But here's the thing I think when it comes to the whole like selfish talk, um, you can. You can be selfish, I think, in a period of time in your life where it should be about you, so that you can learn about yourself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so you can learn about yourself, so you can go through some things, so you can get some experience, so you can see what type of people you like to align yourself with and things like that. So, yes, I do think everyone should have like I don't like to say selfish, but a self-fo, self-fo, a self-full.
Speaker 1:Semantics.
Speaker 2:Yes, a self-full period in their life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's what your early 20s are for.
Speaker 2:Okay, I mean nowadays it's going into the 30s because women are having children later in life.
Speaker 1:Your early 20s is for you to go out there and experience everything you think you want to experience, mm-hmm. And then that's when you make your decision.
Speaker 2:Well, I think I missed a lot. Well, go ahead, you wouldn't be a hoe, so bad.
Speaker 1:So I mean, but then again it's just like I understand that there are some women who can't have, who are it's damn near impossible, or very, very hard for them to conceive.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but we're not talking about those women. We're talking about women who are intentionally that's what I want to say.
Speaker 1:I'm not talking about those women. I'm talking about the women who are literally saying no, I do not want to have children.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I think they can happen.
Speaker 2:You think they can happen. I think it's one of those things you have to look at what group of women we are talking to, because, how you say, maybe it's women in their 20s and stuff. I would expect to hear that from someone who's probably in their 20s, maybe like in their early 30s, but I think somebody who's in their mid 40s maybe no, it's not too late, but they, I think they definitely no, it's not too late, but they it's not too late, look here, but they definitely I think they definitely mean it by the time they're in their mid 40s let me say this if you in your mid 30s, uh or sorry, early 40s, mid 40s.
Speaker 1:Don't waste your time with kids that's not a waste.
Speaker 2:What are you talking about? They?
Speaker 1:the early years of chill.
Speaker 2:They just they take so much but see, I think the thing is too, when we talk about how women are having children later. It's because they wanted to do all the things that they wanted to do. They wanted to get themselves in order and of course, that takes time. So you have women who started having more children. More children were being born in, you know, women's 30s, mid 30s, going up to the 40s, like we have. They're celebrities who gave birth in their 50s.
Speaker 1:They got so they got staff taking care of that kid okay, but it doesn't matter what I'm.
Speaker 2:The point that I'm saying is that women have children later it's very common for mentor, for women to have children later.
Speaker 1:I know they're capable, I just said I don't recommend it.
Speaker 2:okay, well, but well, but you're not a woman. I'm not. I was born with male genitals, nungs.
Speaker 1:We're not doing that, we're not doing that and I'm done.
Speaker 2:My daughter refers to abs as nungs and I don't know why, but she calls abs like your abdomen nungs. I don't know why, but she calls abs like your abdomen nungs. I'm done, uh yeah, but I mean overall, I don't necessarily agree with her. Um, like I said, when you do like a google search, you will find supporting facts for both that women who are married are happier, women who are unmarried are happier, women who with children are happier, women with non-children are happier, like. But I think the scope that she was trying to talk from in reference to single women being happier, healthier, living longer, making more money and all that stuff, it's like how can you really compare that? Of course, if you have none of the responsibilities of being in a marriage, yeah, it's going to feel a little lighter, not to say that they don't stress at all, but your load is going to feel a little lighter. You know how much lighter my load would feel if I didn't have to take care of my kid and it was just us.
Speaker 1:But I also feel like people try to equate freedom to happiness.
Speaker 2:What do you mean Like freedom of?
Speaker 1:time.
Speaker 2:I mean well, time is, you can't get that back?
Speaker 1:So, like you were just saying, like if we didn't have to care for our daughter, that would free up a lot of our time, yeah, and a lot of our resources. Yeah, a lot of our resources.
Speaker 2:Oh, I know.
Speaker 1:Right. So A lot of our resources, oh, I know Right.
Speaker 2:So yeah, in that aspect yeah, it's better we might be, it would feel better. It would feel better because we would have more resources.
Speaker 1:Because we could selfishly do more things for ourselves.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, we could live that dink life.
Speaker 1:But I'm at the age now where I get the majority of my enjoyment watching that little girl smile Right. And that's what I was gonna say, and watching you smile yeah because at this point in my life, I feel like I've done. I've done most of the things I wanted to do. You have, yeah, most of what. You know what my bare minimal standard was. I've done most of those things.
Speaker 2:There's things there's still things that I want to do like personally, yeah, okay, because I was like I'm trying to think I'm, I started rolodex in your life. I was like what is he doing?
Speaker 1:I guess I ain't done nothing. No, this has been another episode.
Speaker 2:No, I'm just thinking about like personal things that you would have wanted to do, Like I know. I know one of your biggest things was like the motorcycle, so you did that. I knew you always wanted to start a family. Got that. You got married Like what. Got that you got married Like what. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:So that's what I was just thinking.
Speaker 2:I was thinking, trying to think outside of those things.
Speaker 1:My checklist for life was very short.
Speaker 2:Obviously, Obviously.
Speaker 1:You made that very clear when we first started dating it was have a successful career, have a family and enjoy my life to the best of my abilities.
Speaker 2:And that's all you can do and just be grateful for what you have. Yeah, gratitude do and just be grateful for what you have. Yeah, gratitude is the best attitude. In case y'all didn't know, I'm gonna make that a sweater. Gratitude is the best attitude. I'll make that I don't know what's going on there uh I think my wife is hungry I don't think know that I am.
Speaker 1:Don't don't think know that I am because she started off this episode talking about she's angry don't don't think, like before the episode even started, we're off on a tangent.
Speaker 2:Now we're gonna wrap it up. Um, he was. He was like trying to play with me and stuff and like trying to get me to laugh, and I was like I'm really not trying to be rude, but I'm hungry. I'm hungry and I really I really just need to get focused. So I don't want to be mean to you, so if you can, just you could just stop all right, guys. So let's go ahead and um hop into our two cents good discussion, babe. Okay, I love you, you're awesome I've been told that before.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and hop into our two cents. Let's see what we've got today. Let's see what we got. Okay, guys, let's see this. One says how do I make it clear to my husband that I don't want to share my bonus, even if I'm a stay at home wife?
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Okay, I don't understand.
Speaker 1:You got a bonus. You stay at home, wife. Well, go ahead.
Speaker 2:Okay, I think she's going to explain. Husband and I were in a traditional relationship. After we got married, I became a stay at home wife who took care of his parents in their seventies and eighties with poor health. We planned to have two kids. He's a blue collar worker. The business isn't doing well and he's asked me to help out to keep up with the payments on the house, which have a 6% mortgage. God, damn.
Speaker 2:So that's how she was a stay at home. She was a stay at home wife. I got it and then he asked her to go back to work. Now I barely make above minimum wage as a receptionist, slash office administrator. I work 30 hours a week but I still have to take care of his parents and I do the majority of the chores. My husband works 60 hours a week. He makes more than I do, but I still think it's unfair. He says we can't afford anything and we live very frugally. I'm frustrated and upset. He won't budge about our spending or consider getting a new job. He was the one who wanted a house and a car and now I have to work to the bone for something that I didn't even want.
Speaker 2:I got a small bonus of $300 because my boss said that I was doing a very good job at work. Husband told me to deposit it into our shared bank account, but I don't want to. I wanna spend at least some of the bonus money on myself. I need new clothes for the winter and I like some skincare and makeup, since I'm starting to run out. He says that those are not necessities. I'm sick and tired of doing everything and having the one nice thing rewarded to me, taking away too. We were annoyed at each other, but he won't budge. How do I make it clear that I don't want to share my small bonus, since I never get to do anything, even when I've earned it?
Speaker 1:I have more questions than answers.
Speaker 2:What's the question?
Speaker 1:I have questions.
Speaker 2:Okay, what are some of the questions you would ask these?
Speaker 1:parents ain't got no type of income. No, no retirement saved up. No, nothing, I don't.
Speaker 2:I don't know, they don't get Medi-Cal Social Security.
Speaker 1:Nothing, I don't know. They don't get nothing.
Speaker 2:Well, baby I don't know, she's just what it sounds like to me is he probably got the house and the car so they had room for his parents who are sick.
Speaker 1:I mean he's trying to be a good son. He is, but he's putting a lot on his wife. I mean he's being a good son and not a not so great husband.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:That is a lot to put on your wife.
Speaker 2:Well, and that's a lot for him to take on as well, Like let's not forget that he works 60 hours a week. He has two dying parents and an unhappy wife. The man is stressed too do you not have any brothers or sisters, baby? We don't.
Speaker 1:We don't know, but just based on what she said, okay, so based off of what she said, baby spend that $300 spend it rack it up go down there to Tom Ford and buy you one concealer bye, maurice.
Speaker 2:I don't recommend that.
Speaker 1:That's ridiculous, now that's ridiculous or you go down to Mac and get you four or five products now here's the thing I don't condone lying.
Speaker 2:I don't.
Speaker 1:Well, she will.
Speaker 2:But what I would say is knowing your husband, knowing your financial situation, so this could go two ways right. You do understand how tight you guys are on money.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 2:Right, okay, you've already said that your husband works 60 hours a week, okay you work 30 hours a week. You take care of most of the chores right you also take care of his parents full-time, so I can I can. I can understand that she's doing a lot. She's doing a lot, so what she is saying I don't think is unreasonable. Um, so what I would do if this were me.
Speaker 1:You wouldn't have told me about that. That's what you would have did. You wouldn't have told me about it, you would have just spent it.
Speaker 2:I know what you don't know. I know my wife, who will hurt you. I don't understand why I get to say anything. Okay, here's my thing. I either wouldn't Hold on. I wasn't understand why I didn't say anything.
Speaker 1:Okay, here's my thing so.
Speaker 2:I either wouldn't hold on, I wasn't done, I wasn't. I probably depending listen, depending on because I know our finances right. Like, let's say, if a bill wasn't paid and I did make an extra $300, I'm obviously gonna make sure our bills are paid right. If you've paid up the bills and we just don't have any money in the savings or there's just not enough in the checking or whatever, I would have maybe at least put a hundred dollars in the shared bank account, kept the 200, got myself something nice, got my new skincare, they're like because obviously he doesn't think those things are necessities but To him, but to him Because he's like girl, you don't need no face cream and she's like.
Speaker 2:But those are the little things that I have for me.
Speaker 1:Look, let me tell you something he's failing Because even I know is that sometimes you have to give an inch to keep them in.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you gotta give them something Because. I remember when you tried to give me grief about my face wash. You got to.
Speaker 1:Sometimes you have to let them win so they can continue to put up with your shit.
Speaker 2:Bye.
Speaker 1:And I'm pretty sure he's thinking well, she's only working 30.
Speaker 2:I'm working 60.
Speaker 1:But then she's working another 80 by taking care of your goddamn parents and she takes care of the house.
Speaker 2:I said she's tired, look here. If all she want is a little bit of eye cream, look here and a winter sweater, sir.
Speaker 1:If she had asked, if she had asked one of the groups on Facebook, they would have just told her to cheat.
Speaker 2:Shut up. That's the running joke in your husband's groups.
Speaker 1:Because at this point, what is she working so hard for? She?
Speaker 2:ain't got no kids, you ain't got no gifts on you down, and she said they planned to have two kids, plan to leave bye. No, but seriously, I would have either a not told him about it and I listen here. Like I said, I don't condone lying, but if you already know how your husband is and he you know that if you, whatever you get in there, he's gonna be like just put it in the bank account, then I either wouldn't, I wouldn't have told him about it, or I would have at least split it and kept some for myself and put the rest in our shared bank account.
Speaker 2:But above all, I would make sure that the bills are paid up for that month. Like I'm not for me personally, I'm not gonna go spend uh fifty dollars on my face wash when I know the phone bill's not paid because that we went through that before when he's. He was like how much, how much you pay what does?
Speaker 2:it do big? Like does it? It was not that big. I bought the big one. Like does it bring back your baby face bye. He was like ma'am, how much is your face? What does? What's in this product that makes?
Speaker 2:it worth inflation what up, um. But yeah, I definitely would have made sure, like if there was any like bills or anything that were, if all your bills were paid up for the month and you got that bonus, you could have put half in the bank account, kept half for yourself or not told him about it. That's just what I would say. But if you still had bills that were open, like you need to make a credit card payment or you need to pay a light bill or something like that, it sucks. It sucks. But above all, my bills got to get paid Because I can't be out here cute but homeless.
Speaker 1:That's cute. What you said was cute. Spend that money. Spend that money.
Speaker 2:Look, go ahead, go and get your money, girl Go, I'm hopeful Go, get your nails done, get your feet done. It's necessary.
Speaker 1:That's about too fitty right there, and then get you a nice lunch.
Speaker 2:You can't keep pouring from an empty cup, that's true, you Nice lunch. You can't keep pouring from an empty cup, that's true, you can't like and that's why, when I hear, when I hear people say, like what her husband said, like, oh, those aren't necessities to him to him.
Speaker 2:But if that's what we'll just give her a little bit something for herself so that she has enough energy and emotion to pour it to you and her in-laws then she, then that's necessary, sir. So you're right, it's absolutely necessary. And, more importantly, I would think that even through him understanding their finances right I mean, I don't compare anything, but I'm just thinking about even when we were going through our time, you still found moments where you could, where you were just like let's go do this, or like you go and you and you go and you buy yourself something. Like obviously I knew that we couldn't afford it at the time, but you still made a way to be like okay, you know what, there's an extra there's an extra 50.
Speaker 2:I don't know what you want to do. Maybe you want to go get your nails or something done.
Speaker 1:Go ahead and do that and that made me feel really good hold up if we bring back the days when nails didn't get done for $50, because those days are long gone they're so far behind if you get. If you get the manic and the panty, that's too much.
Speaker 2:But if you get, if you get't. If I get a jail manicure and just a basic this has been another pedicure. I can get out of there with like 85.
Speaker 1:Now I'm getting sad because we talking about how much it costs.
Speaker 2:This has been another episode of but yeah, boo, that's what I would have said keep a little for yourself or not told him at all. I'm with you, babe.
Speaker 1:I would have told him I would have came on with bags.
Speaker 2:No, but see, that's how you not do it. It has to be like a surprise. Remember when you opened my trunk and you saw those bags in my trunk?
Speaker 1:But that was your money.
Speaker 2:It was, but you were like what the hell yeah? You was wallowing, though I literally would throw stuff and just throw it in the back, just like I'll come back and get it later. I just didn't it never worked in the back. I'm just like I'll come back and get it later.
Speaker 1:I just didn't, I just didn't need you all up in my business. Never wear it. You used to go shopping for lunch.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I did.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's the problem.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that was bad, but I got out of that situation. I'm in recovery now.
Speaker 1:I'm in recovery now, because you don't work now.
Speaker 2:I'm in recovery. Okay, so this has been another episode of life after I do podcast. If you're not doing so already, I highly highly encourage you to follow us on all of our social media platforms. You can find us at life after I do podcast on Instagram, tiktok, youtube, facebook, onlypans OnlyPans, please. We highly recommend it, you like. You follow, you share, tell a friend to tell a friend Only pans, please. We highly recommend it, you like?
Speaker 1:You follow, you share, you comment, tell a friend to tell a friend.
Speaker 2:Tell a friend to tell a friend and if you are really trying to engage, go ahead and email us at lifeafteridopodcast at gmailcom. We would look forward to a message from you. Like I said, you get a new episode every Wednesday, Every Wednesday.
Speaker 1:Until then, guys peace booskies, peace booskies.
