Triggered Desire

Relationships go beyond romance—they demand navigating desire, intimacy, and understanding. In this video, we delve into maintaining sexual desire in long-term relationships, exploring spontaneous versus responsive desire, and the power of non-sexual intimacy. From the impact of quirks like chronic lateness to the importance of love languages, we unpack how communication, accountability, and “maintenance sessions” keep the spark alive. Join us for a candid look at the ups and downs of modern relationships! 

Transcript

Spontaneous Moments and Lack of Sleep

Speaker 1 0:00

Like if I, if he's in his office and he is playing his game and I'm having a spontaneous moment, or I'm just like you know what? I really need you to meet me in our bedroom and he hits me with the OK, babe, I'll be right there, I'll go in there, I'll give it about five minutes and then I'll be like well, sensation has passed.

Speaker 2 0:25

I know, when you walk to my office door you're like when you come to bed you're like let me go. That's you saying come get it.

Speaker 1 0:32

You better get it while the getting is good. You better come get this While these biscuits is hot.

Speaker 2 0:38

Not.

Speaker 1 0:39

the biscuits is hot hey everybody and welcome back to another episode of Life After I Do. I am your host, Nisha G, and I am here with my husband.

Speaker 2 1:11

The one, the only.

Speaker 1 1:13

Drum roll please.

Speaker 2 1:16

Please stop Molito.

Speaker 1 1:18

Woo, hey, booskies, hi, how are you? I am, I don't know are, you, are you mid I'm. I'm probably somewhere are you, I'm probably somewhere below man a little, not all the way down, but just a step above down, but two steps below me.

Speaker 2 1:43

Like I'm not depressed.

Speaker 1 1:47

But, you're depression's cousin.

Speaker 2 1:49

But I ain't neutral. You know what I mean. I'm somewhere between there.

Speaker 1 1:53

I'm hovering Okay.

Speaker 2 1:54

And, honestly, I just feel like it's the lack of sleep I've been getting, like I feel like I haven't had a good night to rest.

Speaker 1 2:00

I mean you've been getting the American Standard hours of sleep like five to six hours.

Speaker 2 2:05

No, I need a good nine.

Speaker 1 2:08

If only that sounds good.

Speaker 2 2:10

And I would have got it last week if your daughter wouldn't have woke me up.

Speaker 1 2:15

You keep blaming your poor sleep on her, and I just can't co-sign that.

Speaker 2 2:20

That's because you're not the one getting kicked in the middle of the night.

Speaker 1 2:22

I absolutely do get kicked and I get pushed to the edge of the bed, but I think I'm just used to it.

Speaker 2 2:29

So I'm not. I'll be ready to fight.

Speaker 1 2:32

I mean, maybe I just get the satisfaction of watching her sleep so peacefully and snore in my ear. And then put me in a chokehold while I'm on the edge of the bed.

Speaker 2 2:40

And then have the audacity every morning to ask me how'd you sleep? Terrible.

Speaker 1 2:47

I slept terrible Meanwhile. She can't get up because she had such a great night's sleep. I'm just going to stretch. I'm just going to stretch and I'll be like. You've got to stop climbing in our bed at 3 am.

Speaker 2 2:57

When I woke her up today for her to go to practice, she said that was a long nap.

Speaker 1 3:11

That was good. I said it must be nice, okay. So before, when we came home, she's like mom, can I have a snack? And I was like, yeah, you can have a snack. And then she was like um, can I put a leotard on so I can practice? And I was like no, you need to take a nap before practice. And she's like I don't need a nap. I don't need a nap. I said okay. So I told her. I said look, I'll make a deal with you. If you lay down for 20 minutes and you don't fall asleep, I won't make you take a nap. I said, but if you lay down for 20 minutes and you end up falling asleep, I'm gonna let you sleep and I'll wake you up before practice and she was like.

Speaker 1 3:39

Okay, she was like, but I'm not sleepy. I was like okay she fell for as soon as her head hit the pillow she was tired when she walked out. She was tired Mouth dropped, open Eyes was just fluttering.

Speaker 2 3:50

She was in a ram sleep. She drew all over the couch. I said, I said you close your mouth.

Speaker 1 3:57

Slobbering all over my couch. I was like I peeked in the living room and I was like not sleepy, my ass.

Speaker 2 4:05

Not the not sleepy my ass.

Speaker 1 4:06

Not sleepy. I knew she was sleepy as soon as we got to the second light after I picked her up from school. You know she was asleep in the back seat.

Speaker 2 4:13

I'm really feeling this whole earth tone neutral. Look, you got going on.

Speaker 1 4:18

Thank you.

Speaker 2 4:18

It's just something I threw together. It's working for me.

Speaker 1 4:22

I didn't want to look like a complete bum. It's working for me I didn't want to look like a complete bum, but it's working for me.

Speaker 2 4:27

I appreciate that, thank you.

Speaker 1 4:28

I think I should let the listeners have a new concealer on, so I'm wondering if that's what's doing I need to let the listeners know that this morning in the gym that ass was awesome, oh my gosh.

Speaker 2 4:36

So look at that, look at my baby ass all this morning.

Speaker 1 4:40

We went to the gym this morning and I'm back into wearing my shorts. And I feel like every time we go to the gym, I feel as though my shorts might be getting shorter and shorter, and I'm not opposed to it. So when I went to the gym today.

Speaker 2 4:54

As long as your lips ain't hanging out, I'm okay with it.

Speaker 1 4:56

When we went to the gym today I got real short on my shorts and he was like, oh my gosh, your ass is assing that ass is assing and I said oh okay, I said, well, watch out. Maybe in a couple of weeks I'm gonna wear the little shorts that come right underneath my booty cheeks I'm gonna put that on the shirt, so that ass is assing okay, and then you gave the lady in target a show, right?

Speaker 1 5:19

he walks up behind me and he's like smacking me hard on my butt and she had turned the corner right when he did it. And she's like smacking me hard on my butt and she had turned the corner right when he did it and she's like I didn't see anything.

Speaker 2 5:28

I didn't see anything y'all go ahead with y'all black love she was like love on your wife. I didn't see nothing I said one for you to see. Goodbye, stay in your lane.

Speaker 1 5:38

How was your week, babe?

Speaker 2 5:39

I just told you man.

Speaker 1 5:41

Okay, babe, I need a little bit more than that.

Speaker 2 5:44

It was below men.

Speaker 1 5:45

Why? Why do you think that is?

Speaker 2 5:48

I mean, the highlight of my week is that I got this Sunday off because my team has been stressing me out, so I didn't have to deal with that this week because we had a bye.

Speaker 1 5:58

I don't know what that is. Oh, that just means you guys didn't have to play.

Speaker 2 6:01

It was a PTO week. Okay means you guys didn't have to play.

Speaker 1 6:07

It was a pto week, okay so I didn't pay time off.

Speaker 2 6:08

I mean, they got paid, I didn't, so I'd have to deal with that.

Speaker 1 6:09

But other than that, you know, maybe that's why you're feeling this way, because you didn't get to see your team play no, I ain't, because they've been pissing me off so they raised my blood pressure I thought I'd try I mean.

Speaker 2 6:20

I mean the. I mean the highlight of my weeks have been being with me, been to the gym, been to the gym.

Speaker 1 6:29

That's not what he says when we're alone together.

Speaker 2 6:32

No, I mean, I have loved our little mini breakfast dates that we.

Speaker 1 6:37

We had a good breakfast date this morning.

Speaker 2 6:39

And it was cheap.

Speaker 1 6:40

It was so cheap, but it was good.

Speaker 2 6:42

I said look here.

Speaker 1 6:43

All right now, international House of Pancakes. I said look here, all right now, international House of Pancakes. I said all right now, come through, come through. I said has it either? Okay, hold on.

Speaker 2 6:52

I said does that?

Speaker 1 6:53

check say $30?. Let's put it into perspective. Is it that the food was good or it's because we have not been to IHOP in ages and it was more affordable than the spot we normally?

Speaker 2 7:06

go to. I think the food was mid Uh-huh but then the check made it good.

Speaker 1 7:10

Right, but they have better decaf coffee than our traditional spot that we normally go to.

Speaker 2 7:17

Yeah, they did. They had better coffee and better sausage.

Speaker 1 7:20

Nah, that sausage was salty. Mine wasn't, this it was, you just liked it. You probably mistaken it, for, like I don't, know how was your week, boo my week was it don't matter really it don't matter. Really it don't matter. Oh my gosh, you're so mean how was your week? My week was good. It was okay on a scale of 1 to 10, I give it a solid seven. Well, that's good.

Speaker 2 7:46

Yeah, like I, mean, we did oh, we did uh, we did uh have the uh um the pleasure to um be on another podcast this week yes, well, I had the pleasure to be on another podcast this week.

Speaker 1 7:58

You're on. You're on that podcast every week, so yeah, so, um, I did get a chance to join my husband on his other podcast. In case you guys didn't know, he is one fourth, right one fourth, of the heavyweight podcast. Um, be sure to download and listen on mondays. Um, yes, so I did get a chance to join the heavyweight podcast.

Speaker 2 8:22

But there's a special episode coming out Thursday of you.

Speaker 1 8:25

Yes, des the Diva.

Speaker 2 8:27

Talking about your journey with you know Having angel babies. Lady stuff yeah.

Speaker 1 8:34

Lady stuff. Yeah, so I joined Des, the Diva of the heavyweight podcast for Miscarriage Month, so the month of October is Miscarriage Month, for those of you who did not know. And her and I did a little sit down to talk about our journeys with miscarriage and fertility and the importance of support for women who experience miscarriages, and our angel babies and her beautiful nonprofit. So that was really good. I really enjoyed myself. It was a great conversation. So you guys be sure to tune in this Thursday. Yeah, this Thursday.

Speaker 2 9:14

This Thursday, be sure to tune in by the time you guys hit the day. If you guys listen to us on Wednesday, the next day, the next day, yes, and that's going to be on the Heavyweight podcast.

Speaker 1 9:22

So, yeah, the next day, yes, and that's going to be on the Heavyweight podcast. So that was a really beautiful experience. I really felt special that she was, that she shared her story with me and that I got to talk about something that I don't talk about as much anymore, and I think it also brought up a lot of emotions that I've kind of just Piled on, no, that I've kind of buried. Yeah, piled on, yeah, I don't want to say piled on, but just kind of like buried.

Speaker 2 9:51

Under a pile.

Speaker 1 9:54

I compartmentalize, Silly, I compartmentalize. So yeah, that was a beautiful experience, that's good. So I got to do that and I got to hang out with a friend, reconnect with a friend that was really good too, my friend Leslie got to hang out with her, to my favorite. And what else did I do?

Speaker 2 10:16

Oh, I'm going to have a friend date without me.

Speaker 1 10:18

I've been going to the gym with you, which has been really exciting, and I'm really, I'm really excited that I'm working my way back up in weights to where I was last year on my lower half, so my upper body is not weak, never kind of weak never, but um, I did so last year. I was hitting the gym really hard, I had a personal trainer. And why are you laughing?

Speaker 2 10:45

We're hitting it really hard.

Speaker 1 10:47

Oh my gosh. So last year I was hitting the gym and I was working out with a personal trainer and, for those of you who don't know, I enjoy power lifting. So I didn't necessarily get a trainer to like to like slim down or anything like that, but I got a trainer to help me increase in weight and power lifting and also to help with like she was helping me with my nutrition and everything, because you know it goes hand in hand. But anywho, um, I had got all the way up to a total combined of 16 plates, uh, 45 pounds that I was on the leg press that I was able to do.

Speaker 1 11:25

Eight plates per side and. I was light work, but he couldn't do it and he only did one rep on seven plates on each side and he struggled. Okay, when I tell you them knees was on their way out, them knees was on their way out.

Speaker 2 11:43

So don't let him gash y'all up. You're not what you're not gonna do. Has had knee surgery maurice, stop it don't use that as an excuse.

Speaker 1 11:52

Anyways, that's back to me because I thought we were talking about my week about to cut you short but anywho, um yeah, so I was doing eight plates each side, eight plates of 45 on each side last year and I was able to do three reps of that last year. And so I was really excited, really stoked, and then I fell off. It's hard to admit.

Speaker 2 12:15

Wagging off the wheel.

Speaker 1 12:16

Fell off, and then now we're getting back into it. And obviously I lost some muscle mass during that time. But I got back up to 10 plates today and I did six reps with 10, 45 pound plates. So I mean, you know it's not, it's not the 16, but it was 10, but I'm working my way up to it. And then I did two5 plates on my calf raises that could have been.

Speaker 1 12:49

You could easily did I don't know 15 pounds on that I probably could have, but I didn't want to just like overshoot just yet. But now that I know that I'm feeling comfortable and I could do the 10 reps with the, what is that?

Speaker 2 13:01

90 pounds.

Speaker 1 13:02

Flip a 200 pound tire uh, yes, and you can and I was flipping a 200 pound tire. So I mean, you know, like I'm, I'm not a weak sauce. I'm not as strong as I would like to be right now, but I am not weak sauce. I would like to think that I'm not weak sauce okay you think I'm weak sauce sometimes? Okay, well, today I, today I was probably a little weak sauce Sometimes, okay, well, today I was probably a little weak sauce Because you did.

Speaker 1 13:25

After I'm dead, I'm alive. I can run circles around here. I'm dead again. But you know, for all you women out there, as our bodies prepare for all that, it has to take on it starts to affect our energy.

Speaker 2 13:40

It's hard for us men too. You didn't have a cold. You didn't have a cold. Oh, you didn't have a cold, it was internal whatever.

Speaker 1 13:49

So yeah, so, um, I'll get. I'll keep you guys apprised of when I get back, when I get back to my 16 uh plates of 45 um plates, but right now I am proud of myself that I was able to do six reps with um 10 45 pound plates.

Speaker 2 14:08

We should have you um, we should record you and post a video every week oh, of my progress.

Speaker 1 14:13

I'm on the leg press working my way back up, because what is the 16 plates? Is that like? It's like 720 pounds?

Speaker 2 14:19

I'm not doing the math right now I'm tired.

Speaker 1 14:21

I think it's like 720 pounds.

Speaker 2 14:23

I want to say 45 whatever it is, this week's off. Yeah, it's like. It's like. Yeah, I think it's like 720 pounds. I want to say 45, whatever it is this week's off.

Speaker 1 14:26

Yeah, it's like, it's like.

Speaker 2 14:27

Yeah, I think that's like 720 pounds or something, or I might be overshooting if you were spotting that, I'd be impressed I can get my squat up there.

Speaker 1 14:38

Actually, I think my next goal for squat is what's my next goal for squat?

Speaker 2 14:43

I don't know. I think the last time 225.

Speaker 1 14:46

No, my last squat, like when I was like working on my squats, I think my last squat was like one, I want to say 160. Okay, maybe I don't know, I'll have to check it out. I know it's heavier than what he can do. Um, that's all that really matters. But shots, where's the little? Because I'm throwing shots at him, thank you, but anyway. Um, enough about our weeks, let's go ahead and hop into today's topic, because I can see that my husband is on one today.

Speaker 1 15:16

I'm not, I'm not on one, you and them little ass arms over there complaining oh, my goodness, you see how he feel like he has to get me back His, his ego be getting real hurt, like he be getting hurt sometimes and it's okay, cause I I just remembered that you said you were in a mid mind space, that's cool, so I got you.

Speaker 2 15:38

You don't care about me, I do.

Speaker 1 15:38

Let me see, you got something in your beard right here. Leave it there.

Speaker 2 15:41

Okay, whatever it there, okay, whatever it is, it's God made it be there Okay. Are you ready?

Navigating Desire and Intimacy in Marriage

Speaker 1 15:47

So we have a video. You know me, excuse me. I was surfing the interwebs Always and I came across this clip In the book, and I do read a book quite often. Thank you very much. I'm probably the most avid reader in the house aside from our seven-year-old.

Speaker 2 16:02

I read a lot of articles about nonsense.

Speaker 1 16:05

Okay, um, anyway. I was surfing the interwebs and I came across this clip and this clip resonated with me especially as a married individual oh and so I'm gonna play it for you. Are we married according to the state of nevada, nevada we are, so I'm not married in California. Yeah, you are. You're married in all 50 states. Okay.

Speaker 2 16:29

Not Puerto.

Speaker 1 16:29

Rico Okay.

Speaker 3 16:37

Here we go. For women particularly, it should be considered normal to never feel like sex out of the blue with your long-term partner. So when we ask women how often do you feel like sex with your partner, they say either never, or maybe once or twice a month. This is spontaneous desire. But we're asking the question about only one type of desire. Responsive desire is desire that emerges out of us beginning sexual activity or having what we call sexual stimuli in front of us a passionate kiss, a flirtation, being naked together, a text that suggests something that we might do later on. The later versions of sex research tell us that actually, desire emerges out of being sexual, so it comes from doing something to trigger it. But if your understanding of desire is that you should wait until you feel like it, there's a large proportion of people in long-term relationships that are just never feeling like it and never doing anything about it. What we need to do instead is be aware that our desire can be triggered and find ways to trigger it.

Speaker 1 17:49

Pull the trigger, huh.

Speaker 2 17:51

Load a whistle.

Speaker 1 17:52

Okay, too much, too much whistle. Okay, too much too much, way too much, way too much. Um, so it it made me pause and, like, listen to the clip because cut it out. It made me pause and listen to the clip because we have kind of had this conversation before, like with our other married friends where, for instance, when we were at the Rod's house what was it like two weeks ago? And we were talking about like the maintenance like what we call like maintenance sessions.

Speaker 2 18:30

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 18:32

And I feel like the maintenance sessions, yeah, yeah, and I feel like, um, the maintenance sessions come in like that, and what I mean by maintenance sessions is during when you're engaging in sexual activity with your spouse where there hasn't been any triggers like she talked about. And essentially, when she talks about triggers, it's like for me that's another word for like foreplay right so when there hasn't been too much foreplay, and I don't mean just like foreplay in the bed when we're already like the.

Speaker 2 19:00

You know what I mean. I mean, yeah, like the touching, the kissing the other, the other, non-sexual intimate time yes, yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 1 19:07

So, uh, maintenance sessions are basically like the out of the blue sessions, right, like I'm not going to feel just like why is maintenance out of the? Blue. Huh, why is maintenance out of the blue? Well, it's never.

Speaker 2 19:18

It's not really out of the blue. Oh, you mean the non-spontaneous.

Speaker 1 19:21

Yeah, it's just kind of like okay, I know that we're going on four or five days. You get crabby about day six seven. I get crabby about day three seven. So even though, even though there's not necessarily any foreplay happening right now, I also understand that let me just go ahead and engage with you real quick.

Speaker 2 19:38

What do you and what do you say?

Speaker 1 19:39

what I can starfish and you literally said that last night oh my gosh, I said that to you like that was like the first time I've ever said that. Yes, it was, that was like the first time. But no, it was not. But it's the truth, because it's like I was tired, like I wasn't, I wasn't in the mood, like there was. I honestly well, no, you could have foreplayed me. I probably got in the mood, but you, you didn't. It was just kind of like you know, like you want to get this in and I'm like look, this is what I got to offer you for somebody who's not in the mood. I can offer you starfish. This is going to got to offer you for somebody who's not in the mood, I can offer you starfish. This is going to be a maintenance session, because this was not like there's no buildup happening for me, there is just, I wasn't mad Cause I do it to you, right, so um, but when she when she said that I was just like it's.

Speaker 1 20:26

It's so true, because when we talk about um about when people say, when you get married, sex decreases.

Speaker 1 20:37

There's a whole. There's a lot of, a lot of reasons. Yeah, that's for a lot of reasons, but especially for women and we've talked about this before where women don't view sex, or sex is not the same for women as it is for men. And when she was saying that it should be normal for women to not basically spontaneously feel like having sex, I was just like huh, that kind of goes back to some of the conversations that we've had.

Speaker 3 21:00

You just be looking for an hour, huh.

Speaker 1 21:03

I wasn't looking for an hour Now. That's not to say that it doesn't happen.

Speaker 2 21:08

That, what don't happen.

Speaker 1 21:09

That's like spontaneously, oh it happens, oh it happens, like it definitely happens. But I do think that it is more so for men than it is for women, because I'm ready right now exactly? And what did I tell you?

Speaker 2 21:22

I was in the tape what did I tell you?

Speaker 1 21:24

I was in the mood for earlier, after I cooked dinner carbs.

Speaker 1 21:28

After I cooked dinner, I said I could do what go watch the movie I said I could make me a bowl of food and go get in the movie. And he was on a completely different time because he's just like we could also get it in. And I was like, oh, I'm going to tell you now, this bowl of pasta in the movie sounds better. It's just different. But then I do have times where I'm just like you look like a steak and I'm ready to eat. Really, what am I some? Beef stick Sometimes.

Speaker 2 22:02

Wow.

Speaker 3 22:04

Sometimes I am married.

Speaker 2 22:06

Don't over me.

Speaker 1 22:07

You like it.

Speaker 2 22:08

And get your foot off my foot.

Speaker 1 22:09

No, I like rubbing my foot on your foot, but anyway, give me your thoughts about the video. What'd you think?

Speaker 2 22:16

I think she was telling the truth, but I feel like, um, I can relate to the times where, um, you know where you were, like hey, what's up? And I'm like I kind of want to sleep, you know, and um, then I hit you with them. I can, I can layer whatever you need.

Speaker 2 22:36

If you rub me first, okay, you know, but but um, so there has been times where, like, you've like kick-started it and then like, okay, like one, then I, once I get into it, I was like okay, now, now I got the energy to reciprocate right, right, right.

Speaker 1 22:50

Now I got okay, now I can engage.

Speaker 2 22:54

Especially when I see you putting in effort. I said hold up.

Speaker 1 22:59

Let me. Let me see what this is about to do, but I think I might got a little something reserved. Bye, you're so silly, but I think it's very true. When we talk about women's responses and leading up to sex and you have made the comment before which really irritated me. Okay, but you made the comment before where you're like it's too much work to like sometimes it is well, like we have. We have had this discussion before and I remember one time he made a comment. He was like it's too much work to like get you there, like like today, I just don't, I just don't have it in me, like can we just get to the point, can we get to the end point? And although I can understand those moments, it's like but things aren't like that for me, it's like you have to in so many words, you have to gas me up.

Speaker 1 23:56

It don't take me long to get going it doesn't take you long to get going, and that's what I'm saying. Like how you just said, right now we could cut the tape and you're you will be two, uh, two wiggles in a shake because I've been ready, that's because I've been ready all day.

Intimate Gestures and Signals

Speaker 2 24:13

That's like. When we came home from the gym, he was like no, I was like, why not before you get in the shower?

Speaker 1 24:20

I was like I'm not not today. Not today because I didn't feel like smelling funk. It would have been yours no it would have been a siskabob or whatever oh my god, it would have been a siskabob, but whatever, what, oh my god that's?

Speaker 2 24:37

you are not finding the right word, so please stop, you're not finding the right words sometimes like what I've noticed is like if I have not laid, like for you, the foundation needs to be laid all day long.

Speaker 1 24:52

That's it For me. It starts in the morning.

Speaker 2 24:56

I literally have to talk your love language all day. And then it'd be like he's not wrong. And then sometimes I'm like this shit is exhausting, I ain't got time for this. Like I got shit to do.

Speaker 1 25:09

I can't love on you all day. Why you can? You have you do most of the time, but sometimes I ain't got it.

Speaker 2 25:17

Sometimes you just don't have it in you. Sometimes I need a wham bam. Thank you, ma'am.

Speaker 1 25:21

And you do get a wham bam, thank you ma'am. But on the flip side of that, have you or have you not complained about the wham bam? Thank you ma'am, because you at least fake that you went to it.

Speaker 2 25:31

I do. No, you don't. I can tell, I can tell, I can tell, I don't know what you want from me, I can tell you be in there, stiff leg.

Speaker 1 25:42

Don't learn to be a fibber teller, damel. Don't learn to be a fibber teller. Okay, I took drama in high school. I'm a great actress no emotion. I'm a great actress.

Speaker 2 25:51

Nope, nope, no volume.

Speaker 1 25:52

Okay, okay, back to the subject. Okay.

Speaker 2 25:55

That's the subject. I'm talking about the subject.

Speaker 1 25:58

But yeah. So anyway, for me personally yes.

Speaker 2 26:02

Sorry, I understand that your brain is different from mine, right, and it's just like.

Speaker 1 26:07

And my body response is different than yours and it takes a little bit more. My body response takes a little bit.

Speaker 2 26:11

I know right now, if I wanted to get you tomorrow, if I got up at five and came downstairs and clean half the house and then and then, and then had food ready for you.

Speaker 1 26:27

Not just any food, but my favorite food.

Speaker 2 26:30

The second we drop her off at school. You'd be like come upstairs. I'd be like I got, I got some for you, but I gotta put in two and a half hours.

Speaker 1 26:41

Okay, so is it not worth it though?

Speaker 2 26:43

sometimes it's not I can't stand you but literally I understand I'm going to have to set the tone early, so I'm going to have to do the things you like. Cut it with you. Watch the show Act interested.

Speaker 1 27:03

Oh my God, look at what they're doing babe, and you think you do a better acting job than I do? Because I promise you you don't.

Speaker 2 27:09

Sometimes, I do.

Speaker 1 27:10

I promise you, you don't.

Speaker 2 27:11

You know, you don't. Sometimes I do, I promise you, you don't, you know. And then, like you know, I'm at, you know, rub your back, rub on your feet, massage your furs. You know, make me feel like you care.

Speaker 1 27:20

Yeah, yeah For me.

Speaker 2 27:24

And then if I get a fresh shave and fresh line, I'm going to go out the shower at the right time.

Speaker 1 27:28

That does it for me.

Speaker 2 27:30

You get the right angle that does it for me.

Speaker 1 27:32

Then I come up, next I like I like peek around at the vanity and I see you and I'm like oh and then I like, if I can you know if I can use the, the my tricep at the right ankle?

Speaker 2 27:45

you'd be juicy mouthed.

Speaker 1 27:46

It gives, it gets me every time, every time, Every time Every time it gets me. Every time, every time, yeah, but I think for me and like. I've always told you it is the non-sexual intimate moments or the non-sexual intimate gestures that get me there. So when people talk about, like the emotional stimuli, the mental stimuli.

Speaker 2 28:08

That's what I have to do to trigger you.

Speaker 1 28:09

That's kind of. And here's the thing. Sometimes you could be doing that without me even recognizing what's happening, right? So it's like you're constantly arousing me through the day so that when you get home we get to the bedroom. It's kind of like, subconsciously, my mind is already prepped and then I know if I prepped you good enough you know, I just thought about. Maybe that's my spank bank. I know if I prepped you good enough. You know what I just thought about. Maybe that's my spank bank.

Speaker 2 28:35

I know if I prepped you good enough by what you put on when you got out the shower oh my gosh.

Speaker 1 28:40

I don't know why, but that just made me think about today when I went out shopping me and Leslie went out shopping and I found some really cute pieces. I was prepping a little bit goodbye, I was prepping a little bit. Good damn bye. Prepped a little bit today you know.

Speaker 2 28:55

But I can tell by what I said. Okay, she went to bed, not tonight.

Speaker 1 29:02

I didn't do good enough tonight. Wait a minute. That just reminded me of when I watched the Did you?

Speaker 2 29:05

step out comfortable.

Speaker 1 29:06

Uh-huh, it's not happening.

Speaker 2 29:08

Go to bed, sir.

Speaker 1 29:08

Okay, what's what's my, what is my comfortable you're comfortable. Yeah like if you, if, if, what, what do I wear? That communicates to you.

Speaker 2 29:17

It is not happening tonight when you have on your regular shorts those red and blue ones, my red and blue, those red shorts, oh, my superwoman shorts, the ones that are like you got them nine years old. Ain't nothing happening tonight. It's a wrap it's a wrap.

Speaker 1 29:32

You just turn over and go to sleep.

Speaker 2 29:34

If you got on your older Moomoo.

Speaker 1 29:37

Which one?

Speaker 2 29:37

The pink one.

Speaker 1 29:39

Okay.

Speaker 2 29:40

That one's like, that's like a 60-40.

Speaker 1 29:42

Yeah.

Speaker 2 29:43

A 60-40.

Speaker 1 29:43

Yeah, because that means I have nothing going on under there.

Speaker 2 29:46

If you got on your newer Moomoo. I'm at a 90%, I'm at a 90%, I'm at a 90%, and if I have, on anything like Lacey or something that you bought me.

Speaker 3 29:56

It's go time.

Speaker 1 29:57

Yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 30:02

I look up there and be like ain't denying. Might as well go ahead and cut my PlayStation off.

Speaker 1 30:11

Not the red and blue shorts.

Speaker 2 30:18

Oh yeah, that's usually that, that. Or if you come to bed and and them, goddamn gray thermals, I'll say it's right, oh yeah, that's nothing's happening. If I come to bed, my gray um my little my, my long pants ones the long yeah, no, because that means I just want to relax you know, oh and for sure, and also if you come to bed with panties on.

Speaker 1 30:32

Oh it ain't happening. She got panties on. You think I don't be paying attention? Cut the tape.

Speaker 2 30:41

You do. You don't think I don't be paying attention, but I be paying attention.

Speaker 1 30:43

I'm like oh, it ain't happening.

Speaker 2 30:45

But you know what, now that I'm thinking about it, I'm like and then also sometimes I'll be like, oh look, she wants something to eat. So now I'll be like, let me linger, see how aggressive she going to be. But you know, and you'll be like babe when you coming to bed.

Speaker 1 31:04

But you also know how my brain works. If you wait too long, are you going to bed? I'm telling you like if I, if he's in his office and he is playing his game, and I'm having a spontaneous moment, or I'm just like you know what, I really need you to meet me in our bedroom and he hits me with the OK, babe, I'll be right there, I'll go in there, I'll give it about five minutes and then I'll be like well, sensation has passed I know when, when, when you walk to my office door, you're like when you come to bed like let me go that's that's, that's, that's you saying you better, you better, you better get it.

Speaker 1 31:44

While the getting is good, you better come get this. Why these biscuits is hot?

Speaker 2 31:49

not the biscuits is hot, not the biscuits is hot, not the biscuits is hot.

Speaker 1 31:54

Why these biscuits is hot? You better come get them, because they go cold real fast.

Speaker 2 32:03

But there's also times where I'm like like you're talking about the maintenance time, where I'm like, hey, babe, let's real quick. You be like, okay, it need to be real quick. Maintenance Straight to the point.

Speaker 1 32:11

And it'd be real quick Maintenance Straight to the point. That's what you call maintenance. Okay.

Speaker 2 32:16

Doesn't mean I love you any less. We even do no kissing, nothing to happen.

Speaker 1 32:19

Doesn't mean I love you any less. Straight to the main act, that's it and then act like nothing happened. Nothing happened Literally. We'll act like nothing happened, back to life and that's it. It's just like you needed a little, pick me up like a little instead of having coffee. Yeah, that's it. You just get a little pick me up.

Speaker 2 32:34

Sometimes it's my jizz.

Speaker 1 32:35

Yeah, and then you'll go back to your office and start playing video games and I'll go back to my desk.

Speaker 2 32:43

I'm going to pause this tape right now.

Speaker 1 32:44

We're not going to pause the tape right now, babe, we're not going to pause the tape. I can't with you, but yeah. So what would be your advice to non-sexual intimate moments that men can do to pursue their women? That's easy.

Speaker 2 33:05

What you just have to understand what your woman is into.

Speaker 1 33:09

Right.

Consequences of Chronic Lateness

Speaker 2 33:10

And how she likes to be loved. And if you partake in the things she's into and love her in the way she wanted to be loved, she's gonna be wide open. Yeah, if you have a caring woman who likes to reciprocate, if you have a what a caring woman who likes to reciprocate okay, and if you don't? If we don't, then you know you shouldn't be with her. You can keep trying. But yeah, I know like if I do the things that rub your brain, the right way, because that's what's most important.

Speaker 1 33:40

Yeah, and not necessarily something that you think will work, but something that you know that I like and that I would be responsive to. It's just like in the bedroom, like you wouldn't do anything that you don't think I would be responsive to.

Speaker 2 33:54

Okay, I can't with you yeah, but you have you, you have to love the brain when it comes.

Speaker 1 34:03

Yeah, that's why it starts, that's why I always say like oh, she was mine.

Speaker 2 34:06

After you know, that's why, that's where that, because that's that's how works. Like if you can get into the into their heads, the water father, come on.

Speaker 1 34:19

You and your your analogies. I don't know, I'm not sure what.

Speaker 2 34:26

What's the problem? I'm just saying it all starts up top.

Speaker 1 34:33

Yeah.

Speaker 2 34:37

Everything's up top In the head. Yes, the head's up. Top the head's up top.

Speaker 1 34:45

The sea is up top, okay, babe.

Speaker 2 34:48

And if you go inside the G's up top, okay, I'm not doing this, everything's up top.

Speaker 1 34:50

I'm not doing this with him. If you're too low, this is what happens. The G's up top Okay.

Speaker 2 34:52

I'm not doing this. Everything's up top.

Speaker 1 34:53

I'm not doing this with him.

Speaker 2 34:55

If you're too low.

Speaker 1 34:56

This is what happens when he's too tired.

Speaker 2 34:58

If you're too low, you're not putting on a good show.

Speaker 1 34:59

I think we record it too late.

Speaker 2 35:01

If you're too low, you're not putting on a good show. He gets this way if we record too late in the day. If you're too low, you're not putting on a good show okay, um, so yeah headshot for the year.

Speaker 1 35:18

You better walk around like that fun okay, we're gonna, we're gonna go straight into our two cents because he's not gonna stop guys, he's not gonna stop. Okay, so you ready for this one to love us all? Right, and I love them both the same. Okay, are you ready or not, or?

Speaker 1 35:39

no I couldn't help that one, either or no. Do you want to make a sexy or no? Okay, come on, I'm ready. You don't want to play? All right, this one says it's another. Am I the asshole? Okay, am I the asshole for letting my chronically late wife miss an event she was looking forward to, by not rushing her because I wanted her to face the consequences?

Speaker 2 36:07

Not at all, sir. This is my type of petty. Let's go.

Speaker 1 36:11

My wife, who's 32, and I, 31, have been together for five years. I'm fed up with my wife's chronic lateness to many things. It's really annoying and gets on my nerves. To her it seems like no big deal because I always manage to rush her by telling her the time of the event is 45 minutes earlier. She's never noticed earlier because she's too caught up with herself, constantly taking photos. That's the reason she's always late. She has a decent following on Instagram and is looking to grow as a content creator.

Speaker 1 36:43

I find it really silly how she turns everything we do into a photo session and at this point I've stopped agreeing to take photos with her altogether. We've had several conversations about this. I've stopped agreeing to take photos with her altogether. He's my hero. We've had several conversations about this. I've told her that it's mentally exhausting for me to always have to stay on top of making sure we both get ready according to plan, but she never really does anything to address it.

Speaker 1 37:05

This time I wanted her to experience the consequences of her own actions. This month alone, we've been embarrassingly late to two events, and this time was the first she realized I hadn't been honest about the timing because I used to give her an ETA 40 minutes earlier. A week ago, I told her that I wouldn't be doing that anymore and that I expected her to act like an adult and to be more responsible. It was her birthday this weekend and I got her tickets to an event featuring several performers, including her favorite artists in the first act. This time, as I already told her before, I didn't give her the extra 40 minute buffer. I expected her to remember our conversation and store that information in her head to plan accordingly. Instead, she did her whole influencer routine decorating our room, setting up studio lights, dressing up and taking photos the whole time. I knew she was missing out on her favorite artists because she didn't take me seriously. It was so ironic that I didn't even feel like reminding her. I'm done with the mental burden of always rushing and planning.

Speaker 1 38:11

We arrived and she realized what had happened. She got upset and started crying, asking how could I do this to her on her birthday? She said it seemed like I was liking the rise that it got from her and asked why I couldn't set my ego aside for one day. I told her this was. I told her this was on her. I'd already made it clear that I wasn't going to rush her anymore and she should have listened and the first time and expected me to follow through. Unlike her, she said the whole point of the event was to see the performers of the artists who she loved that she missed. She was incredibly upset and kept crying on and off during the event.

Speaker 1 38:48

The ride home was awkward. I was in the downstairs restroom when she texted me saying that I wasn't welcomed in our bedroom that night. I ignored her message and went in while she was still changing. She looked like she wanted to kill me and I simply told her that her saying I'm not welcome was irrelevant, because it's my room too. If she's uncomfortable, she could take the couch Facts. She ended up leaving to go to her mom's, and now I'm considering, considering whether I was the couch Facts. She ended up leaving to go to her mom's, and now I'm considering whether I was the asshole. You wasn't, you was not.

Speaker 2 39:19

Okay, you was not and go ahead go ahead and shoot her some bail, because it was her birthday.

Speaker 1 39:23

I'm not going to shoot her.

Speaker 2 39:23

bail this is what I'm going to say. I ain't going to say nothing.

Speaker 1 39:27

Go ahead, I'm going for. He wasn't the asshole for trying to create a scenario for her to see the consequences of her tardiness right. I think it was an asshole move to do it on a special event like her birthday that wasn't the first time what are you talking about? Wasn't the first time he?

Speaker 2 39:52

said that they had already been late to two events prior, because he stopped warning her.

Speaker 1 39:58

I know, but it was her birthday, it don't matter.

Speaker 2 40:01

Look. Okay, you're right, it don't matter, lessons have to be taught, okay but she's not a child either, so don't say it like.

Speaker 1 40:10

but lessons have to be taught. Look here. But I also understand what he's saying too. He's like be an adult and utilize time management.

Speaker 2 40:17

Look here If it was that important to you you would have made time for it.

Speaker 1 40:20

You would have made time for it. Yes.

Speaker 2 40:22

Because obviously and look here, I understand, because in our dynamic I'm always the one like hey- no, you always say, you always ask, you always ask me. Hey, babe how much time right, but I am always aware of what time, what I'm saying and I'm not aggressively late to events no, you're not aggressively late, but we're never there when I want to arrive because, I am an early person.

Speaker 1 40:45

I get there early. I never had a problem getting to work on time, so that's because that was your time to yourself.

Speaker 2 40:50

You would leave three hours early until you got time to yourself.

Speaker 1 40:52

All I'm saying is if it's an important event, I've never but what I'm saying is is um, I like to get there early.

Speaker 2 40:59

You like to push the limit because you feel like, oh, we got plenty of time, and I'm like I'd rather have the cushion in case something happens on the road, so I can understand where. And he's not an asshole, because he he said look, if this is important to you, you're going to make it happen. I did my part by buying you the tickets. It's not my part. It's not my part to constantly remind you what time it is, when I'm pretty sure you got your phone in your hand because you can set a timer.

Speaker 1 41:24

Babe, I'm going to, I am going to have to agree because you can set a timer. I know, like for me, if I have somewhere to be, the first thing I start thinking about is okay. Like, for instance, when I travel for a job, the first thing I consider is how far I'm going to be traveling, right, so if it takes me an hour to get there, I need to have at least two hours.

Speaker 2 41:43

So I can you gotta have that wiggle room.

Speaker 1 41:44

You gotta have the wiggle room, right?

Speaker 2 41:45

you should treat your events the same way and you should.

Speaker 1 41:47

You really should, because you got the time that you know it's gonna take you to to set up.

Speaker 1 41:51

Yeah, you know, and you're trying to vlog and document everything. So you know, if it takes you 30 minutes to set up, carve out an hour to set up so you're not rushing. If you know it's going to take you an hour and a half to get dressed, carve out two hours and 15 minutes, or two and a half hours to get dressed. If you know that the car ride over there is 45 minutes, carve out an hour and 15 minutes. Set a timer like set a timer. I have been known to set timers because what I, what I do sometimes is I watch tv while I get ready.

Speaker 1 42:20

I watch tv while I get ready or I have my ipad going while I'm getting ready or I'm facetiming somebody while I'm sitting there trying to do my makeup, and then if I'm talking that I'm moving slower. So I do have to agree that he is not the asshole. At first I was just like, yeah, it was an asshole move to make, proving your point, you know, with her birthday, especially considering you paid for the tickets. But at the, at the baseline of everything, his biggest complaint is that he no longer wants to carry the mental burden of being her stopwatch.

Speaker 2 42:54

He set his standard. She didn't meet his standard and then she got mad at him for not assisting her to meet his standard. He's not an asshole, and if she don't care enough for you to do this small thing, which just be on time, which every human being should be, you ain't an asshole. Make her up.

Speaker 1 43:21

Yeah, I might have to agree with that.

Speaker 2 43:23

She was wrong.

Speaker 1 43:25

Might have to agree, I mean, but I can also even though, she may have been wrong. I can still empathize with not being able to see her artists.

Speaker 2 43:35

When she come home from her mama house, look at her and say I'm getting tired of your shit.

Speaker 1 43:41

Really Erica, why do I?

Speaker 2 43:43

You ain't never on time for nothing.

Speaker 1 43:46

No, let's not do that, guys. This has been another episode of Life After I Do. If you are not doing so already, you already know the drill follow us on all social media platforms youtube, tiktok, facebook instagram you can also listen to us on all digital streaming platforms at life after I do podcast. Don't forget. You can write to us at life After I do podcasts at gmailcom. You get a new episode every Wednesday, so until then, peace Booskies, peace, booskies, bye.