Life After I Do Podcast
Marriage and relationships can be tough. You may feel like you’re the only one struggling but you’re not. Life After I do is a weekly podcast where Morice and Kynesha, a black married millennial couple, share their experiences and advice on everything from kids and family to intimacy and connection. Noting is off limits.
In their 21 years together and 7 years of marriage, Morice and Kynesha have learned a lot about what it takes to make a relationship work. They know the importance of communication, trust and commitment. They also know it’s okay to not have it all figured out.
Join them every Wednesday as they talk about their own journey of “Life After I do”.
Life After I Do Podcast
Foundation
On this week's episode, we explore the key traits women often seek in men and how these qualities contributed to the longevity of our relationship. Through personal stories from our teenage years, we highlight the importance of kindness, intelligence, and being a good provider. We also discuss why relationships fail when these traits are neglected. Finally, we examine modern dating, focusing on emotional safety and growth, and wrap up with a listener dilemma in our "Our Two Cents" segment, offering both humor and heartfelt advice.
You are and you were really smart. You did great in school. You always made great marks in school, like there was no Marks, what?
Speaker 2:do you mean?
Speaker 1:This is the fifth, I know. I was just thinking that, stop distracting me. But you, yes. So you were great in school. You made good marks in school. I didn't have to worry about whether you were going to graduate or not. I didn't have to worry about you hanging out with like a rough crowd or anything like that, and that also signaled to me your potential. Hey everybody and welcome back to another episode of Life After I Do. I'm your host, nisha G, and I'm here with my husband Any day now 45, 47.
Speaker 2:Molito.
Speaker 1:Hi babe, hey Boskis, How's it going? I'm good. How are you doing? I'm.
Speaker 2:Gucci, first of all, you're not young.
Speaker 1:Wow, You're not young. We don't talk about these young kids okay, wow, I don't even think they say that anymore.
Speaker 2:We don't talk about.
Speaker 1:We like these young kids okay wow, I don't even think they say that anymore.
Speaker 2:I don't know, I don't know what the young kids say they say stuff like riz.
Speaker 1:I was just gonna say that and mid and mid well, I think I use mid a couple of times, so I'm not in, not, I'm like not entirely not put on, I guess. Do they still say put on, put on? They put you on the set. You're going to join the gang. You know what I mean. I'm not totally like out of the loop.
Speaker 2:You're on your set, Trevor.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't think they say that anymore either. Yeah, but how's it going?
Speaker 2:It is going, it is, I agree it is going, I agree, it is going, I agree. How was your week Active?
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Active. I was in the gym, yep In the gym, but the gym was not in me.
Speaker 1:Be up in the gym just working on my fitness.
Speaker 2:I was in the gym but the gym was not in me.
Speaker 1:I mean you were looking good. You were looking good. I was looking at you when you were doing your sets after I finished mine.
Speaker 2:No, I'm fat, it's cool, don't work on it.
Speaker 1:You're working on it. My whole thing now is 40 and fit, fit and 40. You are such a copycat I just don't even understand.
Speaker 2:Because you inspire me, babe.
Speaker 1:Okay, don't you inspire me.
Speaker 2:What can I say? You're very inspirational, okay. So, 40 and 50. First of all, I'm a lot closer to 40 than you are, okay.
Speaker 1:Okay, not that much closer, but yes, you will be close. You will turn 40 before I will.
Speaker 2:So, and let's be honest, I have a lot more work to do than you do. And let's be honest, I have a lot more work to do than you do. I mean, you're naturally beautiful. I have to work for mine and I can't afford to lose you.
Speaker 1:I don't want you to leave me. You are laying it on thick.
Speaker 2:I don't want you to leave me, you know. Goodbye you are laying it on thick. I got to get my chubby dad body.
Speaker 1:Your what.
Speaker 2:My chubby dad body.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, be like like I need, to be like overweight bmi, not like super, super obese bmi overweight by by I don't even know what that means, but okay, yeah, anywho, aside from the gym, I'm working on my summer body for summer, for summer 2028 for summer 2028 legs out, chest out all summer 2028 no clothes on bikini bottoms.
Speaker 2:The day I see clothes on no clothes, thong bikini Bottoms.
Speaker 1:The day I see you out in public in a thong bikini. The day I see you gather enough confidence to go out into God's beautiful world in a thong bikini Just the bottom, no shirt Abs out.
Speaker 2:I mean I Just the bottom, no shirt, okay.
Speaker 1:Abs out. Okay, I mean I support the decision If you can muster up the confidence to be out in public in a thong bikini with no top on. I support it.
Speaker 2:Like LL said, I'm going to just let another ice cream run in my chest. Oh, maybe not go that far. You know what I'm saying? How was your week? Whiskey.
Speaker 1:My week was okay, just okay. Yeah, it was okay.
Speaker 2:Just okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, why?
Speaker 2:You got two new cups this week.
Speaker 1:Oh well, yeah, I did get two new cups this week.
Speaker 3:That you didn't need.
Speaker 1:I got. One of them was a gift, which was really great, and it came from the Philippines. So shout out to my cousin Sherry.
Speaker 2:First of all, that's my cousin. Again, I need to double down. Listen here. I need to double down on the when I married you she became my cousin. I need to double down that I have put way more.
Speaker 1:Okay, I don't want to go through this conversation again, so I need you to cut it out.
Speaker 2:The family that you inherited from me I need you been a blessing to you Goodbye, goodbye. I just want to see some of that reciprocated, okay, anyway, back to what I was saying when I was talking about my week and I didn't interrupt his week.
Speaker 1:My week was great and, yes, I got a new cup from overseas, thanks to my cousin Sherry, my cousin. Thank you, cousin Sherry, for bringing me back a limited edition 26th anniversary Philippine Starbucks Studded Cup. It's beautiful and I can't wait to make a bow for it.
Speaker 2:Once again, my family's just the best lacking.
Speaker 1:I can't wait to make a bow for a bow topper. Okay, and now it's with the rest of my cups to collect dust. In no man's land. It's not in no man's land.
Speaker 2:It's in no man's land.
Speaker 1:It's with the rest of its brothers and sisters getting ready to collect some dust. So, yes, but she's there so that I can look at her because she's all nice and pretty, but yeah, so I had a pretty decent week.
Speaker 3:We've been in the gym all this week, so that's been really fun spending time together.
Speaker 2:I am. I did drop a little weight you know you dropped a little weight too.
Speaker 1:Yep, so that was nice.
Speaker 2:You won't tell me how much though, but I know you dropped a little weight.
Speaker 1:I did. It's in my tracker let me see it.
Speaker 2:Let me see it. See what I don't. When they come to wait with you, it's like top secret.
Speaker 1:It's not top secret.
Speaker 2:It's like level five clearance? No, it's not.
Speaker 1:You don't never tell me like I literally invited you to be my friend on Fitness Pal.
Speaker 2:That's because we be eating the same thing, so you don't have to put every episode, every meal in.
Speaker 1:That was not, so I can just send it to you. It just makes it so.
Speaker 2:It's so easier to send it to you. It ain't like I can track you from.
Speaker 1:Oh, I mean. Well, my Apple Watch sends you a message when I complete workouts and stuff.
Speaker 2:I will say this we got a new scale today and I set it up and it completely disrespected me.
Speaker 1:No, it didn't, it didn't.
Speaker 2:Although.
Speaker 1:I just don't understand how they do all the little breakdowns that they claim to do. But that's neither here nor there. The numbers were wild. Yeah, I just think some of that is a little is a little frou-frou, but who am I?
Speaker 2:You know, who am I? I'm not an engineer. I know I'm a big guy.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm, I'm a big guy yeah, you're not like big, but I ain't that big?
Speaker 2:you're not big.
Speaker 1:they disrespecting me they're like, sir, all we did was wait. The number, the number we didn't even talk about.
Speaker 2:We had back to school night this week. Oh my gosh yes, we had back to school night and she was more excited cause she thought back to school night was recess number three or something, cause she was like all the kids did get your ass over here all the kids was like okay, well, it sounds.
Speaker 1:Sounds like y'all got something to discuss, like all y'all parents and team. Y'all got something to discuss. We're going to go ahead and we're going to go to recess outside. So y'all do what y'all got to do. Call us if you need us. That's pretty much what the kids were on, but yeah, we had back to school night. That was really. That was really fun.
Speaker 2:It made me sad, though, reading her little book where she talks about a dog.
Speaker 1:So Phoenix has been asking for a new dog. We lost both of our dogs. We lost one dog last August and we lost one dog this year in January and we've had them, obviously, since she's been born. So she's grown up with dogs yeah, since before then, but so she's grown up with dogs and recently she's been asking for another dog and so she keeps coming to us and she's like can I get a dog please? Can we get another dog? I want to be a family of five again. We're just a family of three and I was like girlfriend, we were a family of three before, we were a family of three with two dogs. But when we went back to school night they had created these little folders and the kids talk about their best friend and they talk about the pets they have and stuff. And what did she write for hers in her pet section?
Speaker 2:She said I had two dogs, bailey and Jumpers, but they're both in heaven.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but they're both in heaven and I was like it kind of got my mom's heart. It got me right there.
Speaker 2:I ain't going to lie, when I read it it kind of got me a little bit.
Speaker 1:I was like I was ready to go try to adopt a puppy that night.
Speaker 2:I wasn't.
Speaker 1:I was like, oh man, and I'm trying to explain to her, like Phoenix, having a dog is a lot of work and responsibility. And she's just like, well, yeah, be here taking care of it, walking it, cleaning up after it, yep, going through puppyhood with it. Oh Margaret, puppyhood is the worst. I don't have any shoes left for a dog to destroy. I don't have another couch for a dog to eat. I don't have a rug for a dog to piss on. I don't have no floors that need to be ruined by dog piss. I don't or the dog hair or the dog hair. Now, mind you like, as they got older, we didn't have to deal with those things much.
Speaker 1:I'm just talking about, especially like when jumpers was little and he was going to his puppy stage eating shoes and eating couches and pissing on the floor and refused to go outside. I don't don't. I don't have time for that right now, not in my life. So yeah.
Speaker 2:But yeah, overall it was a really good week, right? I mean, my daughter just keep confirming to me this week that I ain't shit, so Everything's mommy's the best.
Speaker 1:It's because I'm the default parent it's cool it's cool. It doesn't mean that you're any less. I'm just the default parent and you've been here. I'm not doing this, I'm not doing this with y'all You've been home for like the past week and so she's seeing a lot more of you, but she still really relies on me because you're normally at work.
Speaker 2:I'm not doing this, no more.
Speaker 1:I'm not giving this. His feelings get so hurt.
Speaker 2:I'm not giving this child no more energy?
Speaker 1:Like he picks her up from school. She loves when he picks her up from school by the way. But he picks her up from school and she's like, hey, dad, and then immediately after that she goes where's mom?
Speaker 2:No, she don't even say hey, dad, she go where's mom Is mom in the car. Where's mom? When I came home the other day she was like where's mommy? Mommy's with a friend. She's been gone forever. I said you just got home.
Speaker 1:You just got home, you just walked in the house and you're already talking about I've been gone forever. That's what's cool. And then she called me. Yeah, she did, but it's cool, though Maybe she loves you no. She did. She was like. I love both of you.
Speaker 2:No this is making me mad. What do we got today? Oh gosh, I'm off this. I'm off this.
Speaker 1:You're so terrible.
Speaker 2:What do we got today?
Speaker 1:You're so terrible. So we've got a video and I want to hear your reaction. I'm always you ready, let's get into this.
Speaker 3:Women are attracted, generally speaking, the research shows, to men based on three reasons. The third is kindness. They don't want someone who's going to be a good person. They're impressed by men who are good to their parents and kind and go out of their way to help people, and there's no reciprocal expectation. The second is intelligence, because the smarter you are, the more likely you are to make good decisions and protect your family's offspring. And, by the way, the fastest way to communicate intelligence is humor. I've always said if you can make a woman laugh, you can kiss her. The most important thing, though, to women and people don't like to admit this is the man's ability to signal future resources. It's not even he has to be rich now, but he has to have his act together such that he looks like he will be a decent provider.
Speaker 1:Women are Anything about that?
Speaker 2:I mean. Based on that, I think you told poorly.
Speaker 1:Goodbye, goodbye. No, I came across that clip and I chose that clip because it got me to thinking about when we first started dating Right and remember how I always say I know.
Speaker 2:But remember how I always say I wasn't black enough. My god, I wasn't like the other black boys.
Speaker 1:That's what you said you weren't like the other boys. I never said black boys. I don't ever remember saying black boys, but whatever but I I do distinctively, distinctively, remember that one of the things that attracted me to you is because you were not like the other boys, like you weren't trying to not, you weren't trying to like run the street, you weren't trying to like get into trouble. You were a good student. You respected your parents what oh?
Speaker 1:you went to the whole and I was a square. I mean, you weren't a perfect square, but yes, you were. Wow, but I just I just found it. I just found it interesting that the qualities that he talked about, what women seek out for men is something that was on my mind even at 15. Right, Because you were because you were nice, you were kind Right. Because you were nice, you were kind Right.
Speaker 2:I loved the fact, I expected something in return. Ha ha ha, don't get it twisted.
Speaker 1:I I don't know what's wrong with you. I don't know, I'm not sure. Um, no, but seriously, um, you were, you are, and you were really smart. Um, you did great in school. You always made great marks in school. Like there was no marks, there was the fifth. I know I was just thinking that, stop distracting me but you, yes. So you were great in school. You made good marks in school. I didn't have to worry about whether you were going to graduate or not. I didn't have to worry about you hanging out with, like a rough crowd or anything like that, and that also signaled to me your potential, signaled to me your potential. So when I'm thinking in terms of like boyfriend, like for me, I'm like, okay, I can talk to him, he likes hanging out with me, he doesn't like pressure me into anything.
Speaker 1:He runs with a good crowd, he comes from a good, respectable home, he respects his parents. I mean, as a teenager, as a teenager, like that's a win-win. And then when you got a job, when you got a job, you was already like trying to take care of me with your little job and I was like okay, I brought you a couple things here and there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was like wait. Wait, you been spending my money all my life. Yeah, why you been spending my money all my life?
Speaker 1:yeah but it's just. It's true because as we got older, you still maintained those qualities, even through, like our difficult times, and I knew as we got older, as in like young adults, those were key indicators for me that you would be a good husband. So you're saying that you would be a good partner. It's like. It's like the. It was the foundation.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:That's what I was going to say it's like, yeah, it's like that was genuinely who you were. You weren't. You weren't trying to show me that you could take care of me, just to get me and trap me. That was genuinely how you were. You weren't trying to just tell me anything or tell me any kind of joke or perceive to be a certain way, just to rope me in. And then you switched it up. That's genuinely how you've always been. You've always been the type of friend and partner to want to make me laugh, of friend and partner to want to make me laugh, to want to educate yourself, to want to provide for me, not just financially. Those are things that you have always had, that you've been consistent, Kind, being kind to me, and even when you don't agree if I say you hurt my feelings and you really don't understand how my feelings could have been hurt by something you said or something you did, you still will express that as like. I do apologize. I don't exactly understand where you're coming from, but it was never my intention to make you feel this way, Like you. At least take it there. Do you know what I'm saying?
Speaker 1:So when he was talking about that, it just got me to thinking about people who are dating and what type of fundamental or foundational characteristics that they're looking for in a partner. Right, Because those are really big indicators kindness, intelligence, provider. So how do we get so far left when we start talking about people who don't do those things? Were they doing those things before? Were they those type of men and women before, or men before? If those are key indicators that women look for, Were you asking me a question.
Speaker 2:I was just, I wasn't going to say anything because you were like bigging me up.
Speaker 1:I wasn't going to say nothing because you were bigging me up. I mean, like I always say, I was just to say nothing because you were bigging me up. I mean, like I always say I was just talking in Hold on. Like I always say that is to not say you are without faults, please put it right here. But I'm saying at your foundational core, you are genuinely kind.
Speaker 1:You are genuinely intelligent. I'm not kind. You are genuinely kind. You are genuinely intelligent. You are genuine. You are kind about that kind. I forget he has to act tough when we're on here. Oh my bad, what's wrong?
Speaker 2:thank you for those kinds words. Um, I always say I am who I am from day one. I don't switch up. I am who I am. If you know me, you don't have to be truthful. If my behavior towards you shifts, it's because something causes a shift and I deal with you accordingly. But to answer your question, I feel like in today's society and in modern times and this dating app era, everyone brings their as my friend Des likes to say their interview person.
Speaker 1:Of course, to their relationship. Of course yeah.
Speaker 2:And a lot of times you know I've said this before people show up with ill intentions on one side and they have become pretty good actors, to the point to where you cannot pinpoint that they're acting, that they're playing a role to achieve a certain goal, and they'll play that role until they achieve that goal, like they'll mislead people. And I do believe that vetting people is something that must be done extensively because it's going to take for the average person it's going to be hard to maintain a ruse for a long period of time.
Speaker 1:Right Right Right To maintain your interview person.
Speaker 2:So you, you have, you have to kind of slowly let guards down and slowly get to see. But you know we always say like, especially in like relationships, like you don't really know a person until you stay with them.
Speaker 1:Stay with them or have an argument with them.
Speaker 2:Right. And then you get to see, and I also feel like a lot of times in this day and age, people just, they just avoid red flags, they just act like yeah, like they see them, yeah, they associate that with being like a one-off or you know, he was just out of character or something we can work on Sometimes that out of character, could just be them showing their true character, because they couldn't
Speaker 2:suppress it Exactly, and it's a hard world to navigate. And I say all that just to say I'm happy I'm not single, but I do understand, like I can see his point, why women would look for men with those characters, because I think those basically what I got in a nutshell is that they're looking for a compassionate, caring person that's going to be good to them when life isn't good to them. Right, a compassionate, caring person that's going to be good to them when life isn't good to them.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Right. They're looking for someone to stand by them and someone they can stand on when need be, someone that can carry them when they can't carry themselves.
Speaker 1:And who can maintain themselves even through the ups and the downs.
Speaker 2:Right, but I also see that it's a lot of people out here that you know. It's a lot of people out here that you know are out here trying to be in relationships and they're coming off of bad relationships and they haven't healed properly. Or you have people getting into a relationship with ill intentions or they're in relationships because they need to be in a relationship. They need the support. You know what I'm saying, right? And they're not. It's a lot of people. It's a lot of people out here not working on themselves, and I think that's probably part of the reason where it seems like to me I can't say for sure, because I have not been single in a very long time- you haven't been single as an adult.
Speaker 2:Ever, yeah, but from what I see it seems like it's a lot of people out here, you know, putting up fronts, being very guarded, because the world is just a jaded world and you cannot trust someone, even if you believe they have good intentions, because I've had conversations with friends and coworkers and things like that. And then when I talk to them I'm like this is like if I I've had conversations with people and they and they, they just start telling me things of opposite sex. I was like if I was single and you were telling me this, you literally just gave me everything I needed to know to play you. Like if I, if that was that guy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but then that's them also kind of being vulnerable, right, right, right.
Speaker 2:But then, but then that's the flip side of that. The flip side of that is, I kind of think of, like well, man, like she's just comfortable to to tell me these things, she must, she must see me as a pretty good friend, because, because they don't mean.
Speaker 1:And that's a good, like fundamental thing. Right, and looking for a partner, somebody you can be friends with, someone who has easy conversation, like if, if talk to you, especially speaking from the emotional aspect of being a woman. If I were out and I were single and there was a man that I was talking to and our conversation just goes with ease, right, I can talk to him. I don't feel judged by him, I feel safe in his presence. He makes me laugh, he can see the world through different lenses, right off the bat. It's like like one foot's already in the door. One foot's already in the door, because how many other men have I come into contact with and didn't even have any of those things checked off?
Speaker 1:Like maybe he looked good but his conversation is trash, or maybe he had great conversation but he doesn't have any type of worldview, like you know, all of those things play a part. But I think what he was basically trying to say is like the foundation of a man who's kind, the foundation of a man who's intelligent, the foundation of a man who you know can basically provide for a woman or for a family or shows great potential and I don't mean potential in. You can see that he has the wheels to do it. I'm talking about potential in pursuing, getting to the level at which he will be able to provide for you or provide for a family. I'm not going off of you know what. He is really smart and he's got the potential, but he never actually worked towards getting to the place where he can be a provider.
Speaker 2:But I think the key point about potential is that they've shown you that they're capable of.
Speaker 1:I disagree, not always, because here's the thing I think some, some, some, some women I can't speak for all Some women will look at men who do have great potential. Like you have some men who are great communicators. You have some men who can, who can tell to, can tell somebody how to start a whole business, right, but why you can't start one for yourself if that's what you want to do, right. So it's that I'm talking about that type of potential. Like you can see that he's really strong in different areas where it could potentially change his life or that of his family.
Speaker 2:But then again you say that and I've like potential will only get you so far if you don't have the confidence behind that to do the work.
Speaker 1:Right, that's, but that's why I'm saying, that's why potential can also be tricky behind that, to do the work, right, but that's why I'm saying, that's why potential can also be tricky. Yes, right, because you want, you do want your, your man, just like your man wants his woman to have potential, or just like you know you can. You can see your partner's potential. I think it's your perspective about what your partner's potential is and then what their their perspective about what it is they're actually trying to do. Right, because you can see the potential in your partner all you want to. But if your partner doesn't see it in themselves, or if that's not the mark that they're trying to aim towards, then what good does the potential that you see in them do for you?
Speaker 2:And that just sparked something else. Like you can see the potential. But if they're dealing with something, you know what I'm saying, because a lot of times I would say this is especially for us. We have gone through times in our relationship and in our marriage where we had got to the point where you where you had you were you was some way more healed than I was, so you were operating at a different level.
Speaker 1:Healed or oblivious, whichever, I don't, I don't. I wouldn't use the word healed when you were functioning you were functioning, I was just functioning.
Speaker 2:You were functioning at way higher levels than I was and but even through those times you still saw potential in me and you didn't hold that against me.
Speaker 1:I get and you understood that I had you know, heavy weight on my, on my shoulders and, and, and that my mental stability wasn't as stable as it should be. Yeah, but that's because you had already shown me it wasn't you do. You know what I mean? It wasn't like I was still hanging on Like he's he's going to get it together, he's going to get it together. You had already shown me, through your actions and holding your words, that this is what you were going to do and what you said you were going to do. You did. And then, when you fell on a time where you couldn't it's not like I was just out here, like he has so much potential but he's sitting here like being mopey. It wasn't like that. It was like you were going through something and I knew who you. I knew who you were, I knew who you are. You know what I'm saying. So I knew the potential was there, because the potential had already been shown. Oh, I can see that. Not that I could always see the potential, but you never rose.
Speaker 2:What he said. I can see what he said being true, especially when it comes to selection. What I'm selecting. It's just that sometimes I don't know if you know we as men always portray those things purposely. You know what I mean.
Speaker 3:What do you mean? I don't understand.
Speaker 2:Because I don't. You know, many people have told me I'm kind. I don't see myself as kind. You know. I see myself as a decent human being. I don't really wish ill towards no one. I have a select few that I do, Mm-hmm, you know, and they know who they are.
Speaker 1:When you say sorry to cut you off, when you say you don't see yourself as kind, I don't know how else to ask. But like what do you mean? You don't?
Speaker 2:see yourself as kind, because here's my thing.
Speaker 1:Like okay, for instance, if you see somebody, if you see a kid out on the street and he has a sign, or he's hungry and you have $2, are you giving him the $2? That's just being a decent human being, okay, but that's also being kind. That's just being a decent human being Okay, but that's also being kind. That's also being kind.
Speaker 2:I feel as if I can be kind to my friends and my loved ones.
Speaker 3:And strangers.
Speaker 2:But I don't feel like I'm necessarily kind to you, our daughter. I feel like that's just me playing my position as husband and father and protector. I am supposed to be a figure of gentleness. I'm not supposed to be a refugee guy. So I portray or I engage in activities that will seem to be kind. I don't think I'm kind. Of course I'm kind.
Speaker 1:I think you mean, like you don't think about it. Yeah, I don't think about it, but then that also goes back to my point.
Speaker 1:You don't think about it because it's inherently within you. So you're trying to make me soft? No, no, I'm not trying to make you soft, I'm trying to get you to see. That's literally one of the things that attracted me to you. It isn't something that you work at, it's something that is already a part of your character. It's already a part of your personality, so you don't have to think about it. You don't have to say, damn, am I so? You don't have to think about it. You don't have to say, damn, am I kind today? You don't have to say, okay, let me be nice to my daughter, let me be nice to my wife.
Speaker 2:Okay, let me not seem like an asshole outside in public. I hate to cut you off, but sometimes I have to say, let me be kind to Phoenix.
Speaker 1:Okay, because she be hurting your feelings.
Speaker 2:Always.
Speaker 1:But you know what I? It's not something that you physically have to be aware of all the time. Okay, because that is who you inherently are Okay, I understand that. You don't have to go out of your way to try to learn about politics or worldly things to try to impress me. That's what you naturally do anyway, because you want to be informed, because you want to have information. Those are things you inherently do.
Speaker 2:Well, those things I inherently do and inherently do were things that I was shown and taught and were done for me growing up.
Speaker 1:That was the. That was because that was what was modeled to you.
Speaker 2:So you know, like I say a lot of times, people as adults, all we do is reciprocate what we were shown, and this is part of life. I was shown and you know I was raised to be a good person. I mean to be a good person to an extent. Don't let people use you, don't let people step over you.
Speaker 2:Right, right. But to be a good person and I was raised by people who would give you the shirt off their back if they could, so I mean that was instilled in me and my friends know, like, if I have something or if I can do something for you, I'm going to do it with the kindness of my heart. I'm not expecting any Anything in return In return. In return, I mean a thank you would be nice.
Speaker 1:I mean a thank you, would be nice.
Speaker 2:A thank you would be nice, but I'm not expecting anything in return, and it's not something where you have to—and I'm not the type of person to do something for you, and I'm going to constantly remind you that I did something. Right Because whatever I did for you, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. That's between me and you, and it came from your heart.
Speaker 2:Right. So I guess in that instance I understand and I can see how that— it's inherently you. I can see how that can be a characteristic that women will look for, so that I can understand. And I can understand the third part you said about being able to obtain future resources, Because I feel like foresight is something that is important.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And I think that goes both ways, because part of your personality is that you're able to see things coming that I don't see. Or I may see things unfolding one way. You see things unfolding a separate way, and you give me insight, and I give you insight that we can kind of predict or kind of go forward to where— Like the yin and the yang- yeah the kind of weather, the storm, peacefully, I guess you can say, going forward with what's happening.
Speaker 2:So I can see how that's being crucial and when selecting on both sides. You know in intelligence, to me that's on both sides because I don't want to have to if I had to be concerned about you hurting yourself or not getting something done all the time, or you always need to be.
Speaker 1:There Is that part of intelligence, though.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think it is, because intelligence, to be intelligent, you have to be self-sufficient. You have to understand that. Hey, I can't put my hand here because the fire is on. That's intelligence. You know what I'm saying? That's not high-functioning intelligence, but you are. But that is what is intelligence. And, like I said, well, you know, I've said it many times, you are the one here with the degrees, I'm the one bringing you down.
Speaker 1:You have an honorary degree.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know. I don't know who gave it to me I gave it to you okay, but I'm the one bringing you down I gave it to you.
Speaker 1:You don't got the plaque.
Speaker 2:I don't so actually I don't.
Speaker 1:I, I just have the little, the little thing, because I never went back and got that actually that's bad on you, it is really terrible.
Speaker 2:but so so it's these things. And every man wants a woman that's kind and loving, because we don't we don't I mean, we're not going to admit it but we do want a woman that's kind and loving and thoughtful and nurturing, because we don't while we don't necessarily want to be mothered, we want the possibility to be nurtured.
Speaker 1:Well, of course, but I think, I think, if, if you're trying to flip it, you will come up, obviously, um, women tend to be more kind and agreeable by nature. So not all I know. I didn't say all I said you said women. Okay, most women most't say all you said women Okay. Most women, most Some Okay.
Speaker 2:Some women.
Speaker 1:Whatever, some most tend to be more agreeable and more kind by nature, because that's inherently in us as well. There's other things that factor into that. You know your childhood, where you grew up, how you grew up, your family dynamic all that gets affected, but yeah, and your mentality. But inherently we tend to be more soft, more kind, more agreeable. Men don't always tend to be that way, and then you also have to take into the account the messaging that we're receiving in childhood is a lot different too.
Speaker 1:So when you find a man who is kind, a man who is intelligent, a man who can be a provider, it's like, out of those three things, the one thing I think that's preached the most is the provider part, the provision part.
Speaker 1:Oh, most definitely Okay, so that's what I'm saying. And then with girls it's like oh, most definitely okay, so that's why I'm saying. And then with with girls, it's like, oh, don't do that, that's not ladylike, or don't say that, that's not what you know what I'm saying. So you're gonna get more kindness looking if you're looking for that in a woman, as opposed to a woman looking for kindness in a man, right, because you guys get different messaging than we, than we get yes, ok. So that's why I'm saying, when you find a person, or if you're dating somebody and you are trying to find someone, you are looking for things like someone who is genuinely kind, right, I don't want to have to go out with you, right? I don't want to have to go out with you, like, let's say, for instance, we go to a party and you mean mugging people or you don't know how to have just like a cordial conversation amongst people either you don't know or people that you dislike. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But? But I need you to have the intelligence, or the mental intelligence, the emotional intelligence, to be able to still support me in that moment, being amongst my peers, whether you want to be there or not. That needs to be something that's inherited. That's like your intelligence, that's you just being a kind you could say a kind human, like you like to say a kind human. Those are things that are really important, and so what that made me think about was the idea. What was her name? What was her name? Oh, dr Bryant. And she was talking about like the fairy tale idea.
Speaker 1:I don't want to, let's say, like 70, 80% of their needs, right, and everything else they can work with. It's not like a deal breaker, right? If she can't cook, I can cook or I can help, I can teach her how to cook and then we'll go from there. But she's meeting like 70% of my needs. Women will get an idea of what they want their man to be. Then they'll date a man who doesn't necessarily fit that idea, but they will try to force him into that identity, and then that's where some of the discord and the divorce comes in right, right.
Speaker 1:So it just it for me.
Speaker 2:That's what it may be I think a large part of that. I've always said this I feel women do. They accept things and they say I can accept this and fix this. And then, when they can't, fix this, we're fixers. And then when we can't fix this, when you guys can't fix this, now he's the problem. No, he's not the problem. He's the same man he was when you chose him.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but you had this idea of either a life or you had this idea of the type of man he could be, because you thought this is what he was capable of doing. But he didn't necessarily show you the things that were really important to you on a consistent basis before you agreed to either be with him long-term or, before you agreed to marry him.
Speaker 1:And that's what I'm saying. It's like how you said earlier people will see the red flags and then they would just go around them or they see things and they say, like how you said, um, I can, I can work with it.
Speaker 2:It's not that bad, right, it's not that bad. It's not that bad right now, before we get married.
Speaker 1:He grabbed you know. He strong held me with all my shoulders. You like that though it's not that bad. He didn't hit me. But then you marry him, then he hauls off and socks you in your eye, and then people are like but was he showing aggression?
Speaker 2:I don't control, I know that saying.
Speaker 1:But that's the point I'm making. But then you, you ignore that, right, you ignore that. And then you go in further into the relationship and he doesn't necessarily meet the fundamental things that you were looking for and then now he's showing a completely different side of himself. You see what I mean? So I mean, that's why I'm just saying like essentially, in a nutshell, it's the foundational things that are essentially like deal breakers for you. But in regards to how he put it in the clip, those are like the fundamental things that most women will look for in a man, even if you're not conscious that those are the things that you're looking for.
Speaker 2:I think those are inherent things that women would look for, but I think a lot of times people don't know what their deal breakers are.
Speaker 1:Until they're in a situation. Until they're in a situation, I agree, and they don't understand what they're looking for until they get into a situation where they don't want to be it. I can agree with that so sometimes you got to have experience.
Speaker 2:I can agree with that. You gotta have experience.
Speaker 1:I can agree with that.
Speaker 2:To understand what you're actually looking for.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because I've always gone by. You know what you, you know what you want by knowing what you don't want.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know what you want by knowing what you don't want.
Speaker 2:You can put that on a shirt.
Speaker 1:Probably not, probably not, okay, but yeah probably not, but yeah, I'm good. I'm gonna keep saying let me go something. What? Nothing? Don't be disgusting. You almost did, but yeah. So I think, like I said before, it made me think about when we first started, because I don't think I was thinking about that Like it wasn't a checklist, right, I just knew what I didn't want, right. Like I knew what I didn't want, it, what didn't want, which showed me what I did want.
Speaker 1:So when he, when he was breaking it down with the kindness, intelligence and provider, I was like, even at 15, even at 15, I was awake. And here's the thing At 15, I didn't have any experiences, where I was with a boy who was unkind.
Speaker 2:I was going off of things that I saw relationships that I saw amongst family members.
Speaker 1:I was going off what I saw too. I was stop. I was going off the relationships that were in front of me or that were modeled in front of me, or the you know that were immediately.
Speaker 2:That's a whole nother podcast right there, because we talk about all the time how you model the relationships.
Speaker 1:You were shown and you don't really you really In some way or form In?
Speaker 2:some way, shape or form, you have similar relationships to what you are shown, unless you actually do the work yourself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, when you're aware.
Speaker 2:So, again, I was shown a lasting relationship. So that's what I always wanted. I always thought it was cool that I lived with someone where they had been together so long they had this whole life together, right. And I lived with someone where they had been together so long they had this whole life together, Right. And so it was like to me it was really a really cool thing that I'm with my forever person that I can count on to be with no matter what I'm going through. Yeah, you know, and now I understand, especially now, like every day wasn't good. There was rough patches, there were rough times, but the fact that they stuck, they stuck with each other they raised family.
Speaker 2:You know they raised a family, they were. They raised, you know, six kids, all that it's like. That's the point, like at the end, at the end of the day, no matter what we went through, we still had each other. And that's what I wanted.
Speaker 1:Mine was kind of like the opposite, right. So I guess the immediate relationships in my face growing up we have to start at home. So that would be my mother and my father's relationship. Obviously, I didn't grow up with my dad in the home all the time. My mother was a single mother, right. So looking at their dynamic and looking at his behavior and looking at her behavior and how, in my mind as a child, like they couldn't come together, I knew that's not, that's not what I wanted, right. And I know, and I know a lot of people will say well, that's not what most people want. And things happen. Obviously things happen. We don't know what our future holds either. You know what I'm saying. Bye, we don't know what our future holds either, of course.
Speaker 2:Deaf. What an F To deaf. Do us part Deaf?
Speaker 1:That is the plan. That is the plan. To deaf Deaf Okay, like I say that is the plan. To death Death Okay, like I say that is the plan, but no one knows what the future holds. But it is not Stop. But I'm just saying, like growing up I knew, like I said again, I knew what I wanted. Because I knew what I didn't want, alright, that's it. Alright now, and unintentionally, those characteristics that he said most women look for in men, without me even knowing you wanted them.
Speaker 1:I wanted those, and that's what I was looking for.
Speaker 2:I mean the more you talk, even in an adolescent the more you talk, the more I just realize you were birthed for me.
Speaker 1:I can't with you, I can't. I love you. All right, guys, we're just going to go ahead and hop right into the next segment of the podcast, and that is called Our Two Sins. Yay, yay, okay. So this is a blind one for you. Okay, okay, here we go.
Speaker 2:They all blind.
Speaker 1:Not all of them. Am I the asshole for not serving my brother-in-law before the children, causing a huge family fight?
Speaker 2:Absolutely not. Get his ass out of there.
Speaker 1:There's a little context needed here, so I'm just going to start with that. I'm the oldest of seven, with ages ranging from 18 to 31. Six of us have partners slash married. Four of us have a combined 13 children aging between two months and 12 years old. Our father is still alive, but our mother passed away a year ago.
Speaker 1:We're a pretty traditional family in which the women all stay home to tend to the home and the men go out to work, while we have a family ranch where most of us live on the property and we all pitch in. We also have weekly family dinners at my dad's house. I do have to say, because I know someone will bring it up no, we are not Mormon. Now that that's out the way. I have a new brother-in-law, dan. Dan and my sister just recently came back from their honeymoon and have started coming to the family dinners, dan being the great family man that he is refused to come to any of them before marriage. I'm not 100% sure why, and I never really cared to know. I can't really say that I ever liked him, but he had never done anything to cause it.
Speaker 1:So our last family dinner we don't pull all the food on the table. We have multiple tables, so instead we fix everyone's plate in the kitchen and everyone comes and grabs it as it's fixed. As such, we always fix the kids' plates first. The first time Dan saw this, he seemed kind of put off by it, but didn't say anything.
Speaker 1:The second time it happened, he spoke up and voiced his frustrations, saying that the men slave away in the heat all day so they should be served first, and that they were all very hungry. My dad asked him why would a grown man need to eat before his family got fed first? This quickly spiraled into an argument after emotions ran high. At one point I finally yelled for everyone to just shut up and sit down before telling Dan that until he was the one serving the food, the kids would eat first, and if I had it my way, he would be served last at every family event. Again, the dinner ended pretty quickly after that, but now I'm starting to wonder if I should have just fixed his damn plate to end the argument.
Speaker 2:No, Look here. I have a lot of things to say here.
Speaker 1:Okay, I have a lot of things to say here.
Speaker 2:First, of, all if the family tradition has always been the kids eat first.
Speaker 1:kids eat first and you're the newcomer, you're new dan sit your ass down you're new dan sit your ass relax, sit your ass relax.
Speaker 2:Um so one. First of all, you're not an asshole for not fixing his plate because for he's new and he's your brother-in-law. He's not your, he's not your husband, so you ain't. You're not entitled to dan in no way, shape or form. You're not an asshole.
Speaker 3:Dan, in no way, shape or form. You're not an asshole, right.
Speaker 2:And if that's the way things are done Now, I can understand Dan's point of view Correct, because I come from a household where dad was fed first, uh-huh.
Speaker 1:And got the big piece of chicken Right.
Speaker 2:But that's cultural.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:This seems like this is a cultural difference.
Speaker 1:Well, she said, they all live a very traditional lifestyle. So even in a traditional lifestyle, usually men are taken care of first. But by the response of her dad this was their family tradition, this was their family.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the kids eat first, so you need to shut up, Dan, and get in line.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Right Now, in my house, I normally eat first Because, obviously, obviously, we have enough food for everybody to eat. There's only three of us, right? But had it ever been a situation where there's not enough food for everyone to eat, yes, the kids would eat first, correct. But when you're in a situation where everybody's going to eat, I do think that it's a respect thing that the head of the house eats first. That's just a sign of respect.
Speaker 1:Well then that would be dad, because they're eating at dad's house, Right?
Speaker 2:and that scenario. I'm talking about our scenario, oh, but in the scenario that we're talking about here, dad shut your ass up. If dad is fine with it, dad might want his grandkids to eat first.
Speaker 1:Anyway, he don't like you. Well, obviously dad. Obviously dad had like a sense, because dad said something that dad was like. What makes you think as a man, yeah, you're gonna eat before your children because dad is saying the whole point, the point of you working outside the point of what we do is to provide and eat, so let's make sure they eat first. They eat first, which I can understand.
Speaker 2:Which also I get it, because a lot of times when you have, they said 12 kids, so it's probably about 20 people 20, 25 people in the house.
Speaker 1:It's 13 children between them.
Speaker 2:So you probably got 20, 25 people in the house. You probably do want to get the kids situated first, so you guys can actually enjoy your food, so you guys can be right.
Speaker 1:That's another thing.
Speaker 2:So Dan, just shut your ass up. Yeah, you're not an asshole. Dan needs to learn his place, and if Dan don't want to go by the rules, he can get his house at his house.
Speaker 1:Or hear me out if it's that big of a deal, dan could ask his wife to make his plate first. Yeah, that's true, dan has a whole wife. A whole wife, a whole wife. Is she a whole dog? Bye, dan got a whole wife. So if it's that big of a deal, that's a conversation you can have with your wife and be like Look, I know this is Y'all family tradition when y'all feed the children first, but I've been outside Working for 16 hours straight and when dinner's time, when dinner is coming up and dinner is ready, I need my plate first because I'm hungry, babe, right? So if you can get me my plate first, I would greatly appreciate it and let your sisters feed the rest of the family.
Speaker 2:But not only that, like I've been in situations where, like dinner was ready, I don't want to eat. Feed the baby Right Like. So what if?
Speaker 1:you don't want to eat Dan from? Okay, I know, especially, like you say, in our court, in our culture, um, typically, like women will serve men, right. So I remember being in a situation where and we weren't married we this, we weren't married and I was we have been together some time we have been together some time, but I was asked to make other men's plates.
Speaker 1:Okay, you know the situation I'm talking about, but I was asked oh, can you make At one of my events? No One of your family events? Yes, can you make his plate? First of all, I don't know this man that is your friend and I'm not going to be making plates for men just because I'm a woman, while all the men sit in the living room and drink and smoke and you think it's my responsibility.
Speaker 2:I wasn't drinking or smoking.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because you see me like with the other women. So y'all just think but no, what a woman, what a woman, right, and I politely declined. I said no, no, I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that you can ask. You can ask my mom if you like. Yeah, you can do it, but I'm I'm not gonna do it because I don't have to serve, I don't have to serve again.
Speaker 2:It is, it is a traditional family thing, it is I mean I get. It is a traditional family thing I mean, I get it when the woman served the man.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I get it. A lot of things could be traditional, but we are not going to pick and choose. Yeah.
Speaker 2:But you're going to serve me though.
Speaker 1:But however your household is ran, that would be like, okay, I normally serve you, right. But then if we have somebody else come over and we're all in the kitchen and you're sitting right there and I'm like, okay, I normally serve you, right. But then if we have somebody else come over and we're all in the kitchen and you're sitting right there and I'm like, oh, go ahead, make his plate first, because he needs to eat first.
Speaker 2:I'm not going to expect somebody else to have to make your plate so you can eat first, but that's what hasn't happened completely like that, but there's been times where you were doing something and your sister handed me a plate.
Speaker 1:She handed you a plate. She put a little something on her too, but did I ask her to make your plate? I didn't ask her to make your plate because you're not her husband, but when we're in the kitchen and we're cooking together.
Speaker 2:But I'm her best brother-in-law.
Speaker 1:You're, you're her only brother-in-law. That's why I'm the best she. She just did it. She was just like, okay, here, here's your plate. But I didn't say, hey, make Maurice's plate for me. That's not her responsibility. And she could very much tell me I'm not making your husband a plate. I ain't married to him.
Speaker 2:Goodbye.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so long story, short girl. You ain't no asshole, Na-da-da. You ain't no asshole, mm-mm. And if Dan got a problem with it, dan got a whole wife. He'd been married two months.
Speaker 2:Listen here, Dan Danny boy.
Speaker 1:Shut up. Hey, listen here Dan.
Speaker 2:Danny boy, sit your ass down.
Speaker 1:So yeah, not the asshole. That was yeah, not the asshole. Well, guys, this has been another episode of Life After I Do If you're not doing so already, you already know the drill. Follow us on all of our social media platforms Instagram, facebook.
Speaker 2:TikTok.
Speaker 1:We do not have an OnlyPants YouTube you get a new episode every Wednesday Listen to us on all the platforms or wherever you get your Stop, wherever you listen to your podcast, you can also write into the podcast at lifeafteridopodcasts, at gmailcom and wherever you're listening to it, whether it's Spotify or Apple, you can also send us a text message.
Speaker 2:Every.
Speaker 1:Wednesday you get a new episode, guys, so until then, peace Booskies, peace booskies.
