Life After I Do Podcast
Marriage and relationships can be tough. You may feel like you’re the only one struggling but you’re not. Life After I do is a weekly podcast where Morice and Kynesha, a black married millennial couple, share their experiences and advice on everything from kids and family to intimacy and connection. Noting is off limits.
In their 21 years together and 7 years of marriage, Morice and Kynesha have learned a lot about what it takes to make a relationship work. They know the importance of communication, trust and commitment. They also know it’s okay to not have it all figured out.
Join them every Wednesday as they talk about their own journey of “Life After I do”.
Life After I Do Podcast
Reliable Leadership
On this week's episode, we explore the intricacies of leadership within marriage. We share our perspectives on what it means to be a strong leader while valuing your partner’s feelings and opinions. We'll also discuss the importance of knowing when and how to delegate responsibilities. Join LAID as we delve into the challenges and nuances of leadership in relationships.
You are more willing to go by what I say because you have faith and trust in me that I am making the best decision for us. For the situation Right, because I have a history of doing good and doing right by you.
Speaker 3:Hey everybody and welcome back to another episode of Life After I Do. I'm your host, nisha G, and I'm here with my lovely, sexy husband.
Speaker 1:The one.
Speaker 3:The only, the only, my little Woo, you're wild.
Speaker 1:Yes, you are wild. For that, you are wild.
Speaker 3:I've always wanted to press that. We've had the button for a while, I know, but I just never pressed it. I just wanted to press it. Okay, how?
Speaker 1:are you, but when I press them gunshots, you don't like that.
Speaker 3:No, because you see the, you go, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. How's it going, babe? It's going. Booskies, how's your day? It's going? Come here, you got something in your beard.
Speaker 1:Is it you?
Speaker 3:No.
Speaker 1:What's your? It's breakfast. Yeah, jamil.
Speaker 3:We're not doing that this morning. We're not doing that this morning. How's your morning going? It's going.
Speaker 1:I'm just a little befluttered.
Speaker 3:Bewildered. Are you trying to use the word that I said I was going to use? No, what?
Speaker 1:I'm just a little befluttered Because I don't understand how.
Speaker 3:Befiddled. I said I was going to use it. I was going to say befiddled, that's going to be my new word.
Speaker 1:I am befiddled with the way the world is going today Because I don't understand how we literally just went to go pick a body wash and deodorant. I knew you were going to say that and I think we got her a belt. It was a two-pack, A two-pack belt, but we got mostly hygiene products and body wash lotion and stuff, and we got vitamins. Pack of vitamins. And the lady had the nerve to look me in my face and say your total this morning is 174.
Speaker 3:So we go to Target. We dropped the baby off at school today and he was like, oh well, we might as well go get all of the hygiene stuff, you know, while we're out. And I was like, okay, so we got body wash, I know while we're out, and I was like okay, so we got body wash, I got my deodorant and stuff he got deodorant, we got razors um got phoenix a deodorant.
Speaker 1:All I got was body wash, face wash and deodorant okay, you got body wash, face wash, deodorant.
Speaker 3:I got my deodorants. I got uh, razors. I got um nair for my eyebrows. I got her deodorant. We got her body wash and then we got what else did we get? Oh, we bought a $25 juicer Because I want to try this juicer out, but it was $25. So it wasn't even like a big high-end juicer, but she had the audacity. Oh, we got Phoenix's vitamins, so he puts everything on the conveyor conveyor belt it was like and he's like he.
Speaker 3:It was, he he goes, this is probably a hundred dollars, like that. He was like this is probably a hundred dollars, right here, and I looked at him and I was like, oh no, baby, that's gonna be more than a hundred dollars. I could tell you it was gonna be more than a hundred dollars simply based on the deodorants and the freaking vitamins. Just one pack of her vitamins is $22. Just one pack.
Speaker 3:And it only has like the little two packs in there. Her DHA is $22. And the body wash itself was like almost $16. So I knew it was going to be more than $100.
Speaker 1:What I figured out today people is that I will be living the rest of my life stinky.
Speaker 3:We can start making our own deodorant.
Speaker 1:You know what it is. I'm going to just have to take the cancer. Bye.
Speaker 3:No, goodbye, goodbye. She had the audacity, the audacity, baby, the audacity.
Speaker 1:You act like she's the one who set the prices at Target. She looked me in my eye and said, sir, your total today is $174.
Speaker 3:And he legit looked at her like she's the one who went out there and set the prices this morning. He looked at her like, and she was looking at him like are you going to pay it or are you? Not You're more than welcome to put the shit back, sir.
Speaker 1:When I looked at her. I was just looking at her because my inside verse said Still not her fault.
Speaker 3:She did not put those prices up there today. She did not put those prices up there. I see why people stealing. But see, and it's also that and that's what also drives the prices to go up more too. Well, I'm going to be stealing too. No, you're not.
Speaker 1:I know I'm going to wait until the body wash is under half and then I'm going to take it back to her and say I had an allergic reaction. I had a reaction.
Speaker 3:But you know what's terrible. People do that and I'm going to join the group. That's not.
Speaker 1:That's like that's a thing In 2024, you got to have a job a side hustle and then you got to have a side scam. I also want to say this is a side note I also want to say that you're looking very beautiful, thank you honey and your lips look very classy, very demure.
Speaker 3:Very mindful, very cutesy. I can't believe you did that. I can't believe you did that. I can't believe you said that. But thank you very very, very, very, very, very, very very very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very very today.
Speaker 1:If it ain't Demira, it ain't me.
Speaker 3:It ain't you Very, yeah, but don't be befiddled around here. How was your week, babe? My week was okay. My week was okay, just you know.
Speaker 1:Nothing exciting.
Speaker 3:Nothing too exciting, just the same old, same old. Being a mom Doing mom-ish. Gonna make me a shirt that says that Doing mom-ish yeah.
Speaker 1:That's it. Were you doing it great or just?
Speaker 3:average this week. I know you know what Yesterday I feel like I did a great job Yesterday. Yeah, yesterday, what I had to go through with homework.
Speaker 1:Oh, with homework.
Speaker 3:Yesterday. What'd you try? Excuse the hell out of me, I was going to say yesterday?
Speaker 1:yesterday we was in advance of 130, so what did you do so great? Sir the whole house was on. Chill, sir. The entire house was on.
Speaker 3:The entire house was like my mom called her and she was like she was like fee. Oh no, when your sister was talking to her and she was like fee, um, what to her? And she was like Fee, what are you doing? And she was like, oh, nothing, just hanging out with my family. We're doing nothing Hanging out with my family. Yeah, but then when it was time to get up and do something, yeah, she didn't like that.
Speaker 1:I was like listen, girl, you did your mom thing, because I was about to come out and just start kicking people with banisters Bye Sometimes. Sometimes you know violence isn't the way, but sometimes violence can get the point across.
Speaker 3:You sound like my friend's oldest daughter with their little daughter. She was like, if you just whoop her one good time, mom, I promise you it'll get her right. You just need to just let go of that pride and get that baby one good pop, good popping. See the way my soul is set up, the way my soul is. I love them.
Speaker 1:I really like them I don't like many people, but I like them yes.
Speaker 3:So it was good, like yeah, everything was good. We had a chill, relaxed labor day weekend.
Speaker 1:I hope you guys had a fabulous labor day weekend I hope you didn't work on labor day, because that defeats the purpose.
Speaker 3:Well, some people like the time and a half, but yeah, we had a good Labor Day weekend. Spent two days in Palm Springs. It was very hot, very hot, very hot.
Speaker 1:It was like it was not classy.
Speaker 3:It was not Demeria it was not Demeria. It was not Demeria Because the heat was not Demeria, but we had. It was not Demiria Because the heat was not Demiria, but we had great company. We got to hang out with friends for two days.
Speaker 1:We were good friends.
Speaker 3:Uh-huh, the kids got to play. We were in the pool from like on Saturday. We were in the pool pretty much from early midday to in the night.
Speaker 1:You triggered me why? Because I still have an issue with my good buddy Anthony.
Speaker 3:Why.
Speaker 1:Trying to count calories oh my God While drinking alcohol.
Speaker 3:It does not go hand in hand, sir, shout out to my boy, anthony, he was-. Consistency is key, and when you reach your goal, we are going to have a party. Okay, it's going to be the biggest bash ever.
Speaker 1:I kind of feel like I should try to set him up for sabotage.
Speaker 3:That's not being a good friend. That's a hater. That's what friends do. It's a hater.
Speaker 1:It's a good friend to do, no, it's a hater. It's a hater move.
Speaker 3:Anyway, palm Springs was fun. Kid enjoyed herself, yeah, so I can't really complain she enjoyed herself too much she really did enjoy herself and I was happy to see her enjoy herself you enjoyed yourself too, I saw you. I saw you enjoying yourself well yeah, because the first day he didn't swim, but the second day, I mean, he really had no choice. It was either that or be baked chicken in the sun he really had no choice but to get into the pool, because otherwise he would literally be baking like he's in an oven.
Speaker 1:I would have been in the car asleep.
Speaker 3:You wouldn't have been in the car either, because the car would have cut off after like 30 minutes and you're not going to sit there and waste gas.
Speaker 1:I would have been in somebody's room. It was too hot, so yeah, it was not classy.
Speaker 3:But yeah, so everything was fun, Everything was great. I hope you guys enjoyed your weekend. I hope you guys had a great weekend. I personally don't care what.
Speaker 1:I don't care. You don't care what, if they enjoyed it or not. Oh my gosh, you're such an asshole. I mean, if they had a good time, that's great, but I don't care because I didn't dictate it.
Speaker 3:Oh my gosh. Okay, babe, let's go ahead.
Speaker 1:I mean, don't get me wrong, I love the listeners and I appreciate the support.
Speaker 3:You just don't care what they did for their weekend, huh, I mean as long as they didn't hurt nobody.
Speaker 1:As long as no one got hurt, as long as they're happy.
Speaker 3:Just as long as I'm with you. Oh sorry. Who's singing that song we're going to get? Right into it Because I feel like you're going to try to hurt my feelings and I'm not here for it.
Speaker 1:We can't hurt, we can't be touched.
Speaker 3:Why do you think you're coming off the cuff with stuff? You're not, you're not, you're not Okay.
Speaker 1:I thought of my cuffs a long time ago. Oh my gosh.
Speaker 3:Okay, we're going to hop right into the reaction that I have for you today. Okay, so let's get into this.
Speaker 1:So we're reacting to a video today.
Speaker 3:Yeah, let's get into this.
Speaker 1:Is it about marriage?
Speaker 3:Is it about what? Marriage? Obviously, everything involves marriage and relationships. Is it about Are you confused? Obviously, everything involves marriage and relationships.
Speaker 1:Is it about?
Speaker 3:Are you confused as to what the podcast is about?
Speaker 1:No, I'm just wondering Is it about balcony activities? Mm-mm, okay.
Speaker 3:No, but I do want to get your reaction to something, and I also want to hear what you have to say. Okay, so ready.
Speaker 1:That's probably something wild.
Speaker 2:Typically, a wife's response to her husband is a direct reflection of his leadership. It's a direct reflection of how he is loving her and honoring her and truly stewarding his marriage.
Speaker 1:Okay, I agree. What do you think about that? I agree with what he said why do you agree?
Speaker 3:Because you think about that. I would agree with what he said. Why do you agree?
Speaker 1:because you have to explain.
Speaker 3:You want me to do it that you're not even saying the word right, so you really probably shouldn't even say it. You know what I meant, though.
Speaker 1:I agree, because you have to have a certain level of build up confidence that she has in you, right, that you've done the work and you've made good decisions. And you not only made good decisions. You have set a good example of being mindful. Not only mindful in your decision making, but also mindful in the encompassing everyone's feelings and outcomes in the decisions that you make. What do you mean Like? What I mean by that is making decisions in which it has a positive impact on most of the household, or both on you two, right? Pretty much making decisions even if it's going to be an L for you but it's a win for her.
Speaker 3:A win for her or for the situation.
Speaker 1:For the situation right. Okay, so for that right and typically you know in my experience you are more willing to go by what I say because you have faith and trust in me that I am making the best decision for us For the situation Right. Because I have a and trust in me that I am making the best decision for us, for the situation Right, because I have a history of doing good and doing right by you, right?
Speaker 1:I have a history of pouring love and honor and loyalty into my relationship, so you expect those things to be encompassed in my decision that I'm not making decisions solely based on what's good for me, but I'm making decisions on what's good for the collective of the household, right? And that's what I mean by, because sometimes I make decisions that hurt me, but it's better for the house. It hurt me. Right.
Speaker 1:But it's better for you and my child, who is my biggest op. You know what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying. So, and over the course of our time together these you know two and a half decades going on that we've been together I have a certain amount of equity built up in faith and trust in you that I'm going to do the right thing, because I believe a good portion of our time spent together, I have made the best decision, even when the decision was the best decision at that time. It may not have been the best decision in the long run, but it worked out in the time and maybe it came back later.
Speaker 3:It was like a short-term solution.
Speaker 1:Right, but I feel like you are more responsive of me and more catering towards me and listen to me more, because you see how I have committed myself for the improvement of us as a unit and not just myself as a, as a singular entity.
Speaker 3:Now I want to ask your. I want to ask you this because I know for myself personally, like, yes, everything that you said is true and I do trust you and I do trust your decision-making. Um, everything that you said is true and I do trust you and I do trust your decision making, um, what do you think is happening when you have a couple where the woman's response to his leadership isn't like she's not taking it, like she's not keen to it, or she are, or she constantly has to question it? And I only say that because, from my personal experience, depending on what the situation is, there has been times where I know that I have given you, like not necessarily a pushback, but I've questioned, like you will tell me yeah, like you will tell me, yeah, like you will tell me, okay, this is the plan and this is what we're gonna do, and my intuition would be like, okay, hear your plan, I hear where you're going with this, but hear me out, you know.
Speaker 3:And then it creates more of a dialogue.
Speaker 1:But I'm fine with that, because you see things differently than I do, right? So sometimes you're interjecting data. I didn't. I didn't foresee right.
Speaker 3:So what would be your response to a woman where it's like that constantly? Or, if you like, how he says, if a woman's response is directly related to his leadership and you constantly have a woman who's constantly questioning you, who's constantly giving you pushback, who's constantly not on board with the direction you're trying to take? You know the family or the direction you're trying to take the relationship. What would you say?
Speaker 1:The first thing I would say is that she probably has an issue in your failed leadership because, to this point in your relationship, she probably perceives your leadership to be one that has not have been successful, and that nine times out of 10, I believe, when a woman is in that state, it's because the man has said things, mentioned things and has not followed through.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think it's more in the action.
Speaker 1:It's more right.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So you have proven to be unreliable.
Speaker 3:Right, correct.
Speaker 1:That's the point that's needed. Then she's going to question, because a part of her has to be concerned for herself and for her.
Speaker 3:To make sure that she's safe.
Speaker 1:Make sure she's safe, Make sure the children are safe. And if you have a track record of not following through, not making the best decisions, not going down the right path, then yeah, then you're going to be questioned and I know a lot of times as men, we don't like to be questioned but then you also have to understand the situation that you're in. If you have this track record, as a man you know you have this track record and the only way that you can really overcome something like that is by then reversing the scales and actually following through and actually making good decisions. You can't just have a one-off where, well, this came right, yeah, this one was right, but the 100 before that was wrong. So we can't negate the 100 before that just because number 101.
Speaker 3:You got one win Because the 101 was right right.
Speaker 1:So when you have a situation where I feel like the leadership, there's been conflict between the leadership, it's because your leadership has not been up to par. Leadership is because your leadership has not been up to par. And I also feel like a lot of people, especially men, don't understand the complete grasp of leadership. Right Leadership is not just giving directions. Right Leadership is also knowing when you need to be directed.
Speaker 3:Right, that's what I was going to ask you next, Because you can't always, I mean to me you don't have all the answers. You don't have all the answers, so to me.
Speaker 1:I think I me particularly I do a good job of trying to come to you and see what your opinion is, especially in areas where I know that you are far superior than I am. It's like this is not. This is not my realm. I don't know anything here. So I'm not going to go in here and make a blind decision and hope it works out. So I'm going to ask you, I'm going to do research, I'm going to look up things, and so that's part of being a leader. Being a leader, you have to know where you fall short and where the strengths of everybody is, because being a leader is not about making decisions, but being a leader is about pulling all the resources- and utilizing them to your best benefit and utilizing, pulling all the resources and utilizing them to your best benefit and utilizing them and making a think, a think tank decision, that that best helps everyone.
Speaker 1:Right, that's the part of leadership, but then also, when it comes to leadership in marriage, it's also about following through. It's about showing up day in and day out with great and not good intentions, but great intentions for the family. It's about um providing to the best of your ability and even if you're not, even if you can't provide a hundred percent today, you're working towards a situation to where you can be that. So you have to constantly be working towards being a symbol of leadership and grow your I won't say not say grow your reach, but grow your responsibility, because if the leadership role carries the most amount of responsibility, because everyone is looking towards you, yeah, I think, because you're like the point person.
Speaker 1:So even if you're delegating these tasks, you know in which leaders do you're still responsible for knowing a little bit about each task because you, as a leader, you have to check in.
Speaker 3:Yeah, because you're still responsible for the overall outcome. As a leader, you have to check in yeah, you know what I'm saying Because you're still responsible for the overall outcome, so you can delegate all you want to.
Speaker 1:Right. So I can say, hey, make sure, so-and-so, whatever gets done, right, and I can walk away. But I still, as a leader, I still need to double back a couple of days and say hey, you know what I'm saying, because, at the end of the day, if something falls short, even if I delegated it to you, it's still on me because I'm a leader and a lot of times I feel people want the mantle of leadership, without the responsibility of leadership.
Speaker 1:And it's the same thing as being a provider. You want the mantle without the responsibility. And I always said and when it comes to being a provider, when it comes to being a leader, there are so many different avenues and areas in which people don't talk about. Being a provider is not just financial. Being a leader is not just making decisions Right.
Speaker 3:There's other caveats, all those little nuances on the day-to-day and everyday life that go into it.
Speaker 1:There's other things that are really more important than making the final decision or putting the money on the table.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 1:Because you have to. In both instances, in both roles. You have to provide an environment where everyone can be nourished and that's the only way you can have the ecosystem inside your home, inside your marriage, that can actually be fruitful.
Speaker 3:Right, can actually be fruitful Right. So what do you think about like? Okay? So you mentioned, having being a leader is also being a good delegator and also knowing when it's a situation that you're not necessarily strong in to lead. I will say what about really strong-willed women who are, quote-unquote, natural leaders, and what I mean by that? I mean women who like to take charge, women who like to be the decision makers, women who have done best being decision makers, especially if you go from being single and you managing every aspect of your life and if you have children right, you're the provider, the protector, the leader, everything, the shot caller. Then you get into a relationship and you get married and now you're in a situation where you have years and decades of you being the person in charge, you making the decisions, you're the one who's the point person, a relationship with somebody and either coexist in that or try to relinquish the reins a little bit, to depend somewhat on someone.
Speaker 1:To that I would say that it's my personal belief that, no matter how strong will the woman is, when she meets her counterpart, she'll fall back.
Speaker 3:She want to let that shit go. She'll fall back.
Speaker 1:She want to let it go you can't wait to say that she wanna let it go, if you want.
Speaker 3:If you want this suitcase, sir, you can have it, you know.
Speaker 1:I believe that is a situation to once she's comfortable enough with the, with the counterpart and feels secured and taken care of, and yeah, and I think also, I feel like in those structures, because I believe we have that structure in those structures it's more of a benefit to the man Because I know, for me personally, I can say hey, when I'm slipping, I know I have someone who can pick me up and get me back to the situation Right. So if I ever get into a situation to where I'm just making all the wrong decisions Right, and I have I know I have someone in my corner and say, hey we're going to put the brakes on this a little bit, let's, let's you'll say, let's approach this from a different angle.
Speaker 1:Right, and you'll bring me back in, because oftentimes you know, I'm a man like every other man and I go through the fields of my machismo and I am and your ego, my ego.
Speaker 3:And your pride.
Speaker 1:And I'm thinking that, hey-.
Speaker 3:Don't forget the pride.
Speaker 1:And the pride and I'm thinking hey, I'm pouring all of my thoughts because you know I am by nature a overthinker. I overthink even after the decision has been made. Yeah, I'm still thinking. So I know that oftentimes I'm my own worst enemy, because I've thought about something a hundred ways to Sunday and I've made a decision, and now I can find out something after the decision is made and now?
Speaker 3:I'm questioning every thought process, or I come in and I interject something.
Speaker 1:And now I'm questioning every thought process, right. But I have faith in your decision making and a lot of times is why I think I am pretty good at bouncing things off of you and I try to explain my stance and then you input, and then it has me twirling and thinking and a lot of times there's been situations to where I've been so hyped up about things and just so stressed that I can't see something. And then you will mention something to me and it kind of calms me down and grounds me to the point to where now I can make a better decision Because I'm now in a state of I don't want to say peace, but I'm in a better state mentally.
Speaker 3:Yeah, because it's when you're going through that process. It's about breaking, breaking that chain of thought for a second right. So it's like if you're overthinking something, if you're really stressed out about a decision, like the first thing I always say is like, babe, we going to be okay, like everything is going to be fine. You have to understand that you will get through it, you will get over, we will get over the hump. So I think for me, when I try to come in and I balance that, like when you're in your office and you're stressing out and you're like going over stuff and you're like, okay, how's this going to fit, how's this going to work, I'm like first let's step back from the computer, because computer's stressing us out, and just know that we are going to be okay, let's talk about something else, let's do something else for this short period of time. But I have a firm belief like, just like everything in our past, like you're going to get through it. We're just not on the other side of it yet. But I know for sure there is an other side. You know what I'm saying. So I think that also helps when I'm navigating or trying to come up with a solution about something I do know.
Speaker 3:One thing I know for certain is that there's another side to it. We're just like we're literally in the process and it's the process itself that can stress you out. But if you know and you go into something, like, okay, there's another side to this, I know that there's. On the other side of this, everything is like cool, we're smooth sailing, we just got to find the solution process through the process right now. And then that's where I can come in and be like, hey, have you thought about doing this? Or hey, maybe we can do this. And then it kind where I can come in and be like, hey, have you thought about doing this? Or hey, maybe we can do this.
Speaker 1:And then it kind of brings you back down and it's like okay, I know one thing you do particularly well and I don't like giving you flowers because your head gets too big.
Speaker 3:Wow, you heard it from the horse's mouth.
Speaker 1:Well, I got to be a horse, donkey. I don't like you. That was a strike reference I don't like you love.
Speaker 3:You don't like you one day.
Speaker 1:You one thing you do really well is that you walk in you say okay, babe, what can we control now? Yeah, that's it like well, don't, don't worry about what could happen what. What can we can do to control what the problems are today?
Speaker 3:Because if we start thinking about all the possibility like this could happen if we don't do this or this. Listen, things are going to happen regardless, so let's just control the controllables people.
Speaker 1:But for someone like me who was an overthinker, and I get it and I need a plan for the plan and a backup plan for the plan. Plan plan.
Speaker 3:I get it.
Speaker 1:And two more backup plans, in case those plans don't go, I know and then I need contingencies plans for if any leg falls off the train I know, or a wheel or whatever.
Speaker 3:And you know what they say. When you make a plan, god laughs.
Speaker 1:Well, he's been laughing at me a lot.
Speaker 3:He has been on a roll.
Speaker 3:But it's just it's, it's in me, it's who I am, to have a plan, right contingency, and I like, and I like a plan too, and I think that's one of the reasons, like I, I love you, you know, because you always do make a plan. However, sometimes you have to make a plan solely based on the tools you have at hand, the tools that you can tangibly use, that you tangibly have or that you could work out or, you know, work around. That's where the planning can come. You know, come in, you can make a plan. Your planning and my planning are oh, they're so different.
Speaker 3:They are so different.
Speaker 1:Mine is. Mine is based in reason.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 1:And factual. Here we go.
Speaker 3:Here we go, here we go. Mm-hmm, it's based Factual facts. It's based in reason and facts.
Speaker 1:My planet doesn't have any Until your ego and pride. My planet doesn't have any intuition, any woman's vision. I know None of that. I know my plans are based on what's in front of me.
Speaker 3:And how blessed you are that I have come into your life. How blessed you are.
Speaker 1:You did not come into my life. You found me. Yeah, no, I interjected myself into yours.
Speaker 3:Now you bulldozed your way into mine.
Speaker 1:I saw it, I liked you, I liked you.
Speaker 3:And I watched you. We could do this the easy way, but we could do this the hard way and I'm just happy you chose the easy way. Did I, though you did, did I, you did. It wasn't easy, it was easy. You were easy Damn by the mail.
Speaker 1:I mean, you wasn't loosey goosey.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 1:Maybe loosey ducky.
Speaker 3:Anyway, back got ran off on a tangent.
Speaker 1:Maybe loosey moosey, not loosey goosey. You don't want to go on a tangent? I didn't get on a tangent.
Speaker 3:I'm just saying my wife, you know and I understand that I am blessed has done you just say it like you believe, dude, I do believe it.
Speaker 1:She does a good job of grounding me when situations get me outside of my character, when it comes to making decisions and leadership, and you have done a great job of being my voice of reason. Now to go back to what you asked me, I do feel like these women who have you know, been powerful women, they've made moves, they've moved up the ladder, they've made great lives for themselves. I do feel like once they find someone they trust, they will ease back off that. But I also feel like if they ever get in a situation to where their partner's leadership is not up to their standards, they will stand up and rise to the occasion and do the job.
Speaker 3:Of course.
Speaker 1:Because that's where the whole I can do bad by myself mentality comes from right mentality comes from right. So it is important as a man, as a leader, to ensure that you are in the right headspace, to ensure that you are making the proper decisions for the collective and not just yourself, and because part of that is adding to the security that she feels, not only for herself but for the household and for the situation, for the relationship and marriage in general.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But I don't feel as if she would just like bulldoze over you if you're making the proper decision.
Speaker 3:I mean she would bulldoze over you if you're the type of man that can be bulldozed over, true, true bulldoze over you if you're the type of man that can be bulldozed over.
Speaker 1:True, true, and also I feel like, and also I and also I know with women like that, it's not that they're not willing to let you make a decision, they just want you need to prove that you can be a good decision maker and that you should be somebody that I can follow.
Speaker 1:But they, but they also want to give you their input. You have to have a space in which they can give you their input so that there's a dialogue. Some people want to feel like they were included in the decision. A lot of times I'm going to be honest with you. A lot of times we have conversations and I hear you out and I'm like, yeah, I hear you, but we're doing this.
Speaker 3:I heard what you said and now that you got that off your chest, we're not going to implement that. We're still doing this.
Speaker 1:But there are times where I hear what you say and I'm like you know that makes way more sense. It makes more sense what I have planned, this is what we're going to go with, and that's another part of being a leader. Being a leader is to understand that sometimes I don't have all the answers.
Speaker 1:No, you don't have all the answers no and sometimes my answer is not the best answer because someone has a better insight into the problem or the situation, right? So a lot of times, being a leader, the best part and the hardest part about being a leader is understanding when and how to just fall back. Sometimes you have to fall back and let the decision be made by somebody who is more qualified to make a decision, and just because you're not qualified to make that decision doesn't mean you're a leader. It means that this is a part of leadership in which you have to dictate and distribute the responsibility to someone who was better suited to make a decision based on the factors that are in play.
Speaker 3:Very well said, babe. Very well said High five.
Speaker 1:I'm not giving you a high five, okay, this left me hanging. I did, it's fine. I'll leave you hanging above the table, but I got you below okay, I'm not doing that with you either.
Speaker 3:I'm not, I'm not, I'm not doing this with you either. Okay, well said, babe, good discussion, thanks, good discussion, thanks. So we're gonna go ahead and move along right into one of Okay, well said, babe, good discussion Thanks Good discussion.
Speaker 1:Thanks, so we're going to go ahead and move along right into one of my favorite segments, which is what Our two-star Okay. You got five cents or four. I got four cents, all right, have you read this one, or is this blinding you?
Speaker 3:Oh no, I read this one.
Speaker 1:Is it good?
Speaker 3:I read this one. Is it good I read this one? I mean, it got me a little upset so I want to hear Okay. So here we go. Ex-husband opened a credit card in my name after we got divorced. I owe $4,000 and he's threatening to fight for more child support if I turn him in. Okay, oh, damn. Okay.
Speaker 3:I filed for divorce from my ex-husband almost two years ago and we came to an agreement for property, spousal maintenance and child support pretty quickly. He's never been able to really hold down a job very well and last I knew he was working at a restaurant. I got the house, along with a lot of our debt, in the divorce and I'm planning on moving closer to work about 30 miles away. Moving closer to work about 30 miles away. When I went to get pre-approved for a new mortgage, I learned that my credit score was 605. When the last I knew about it a year ago, it was 800. When I looked further into it, there was a credit card on my account which was opened. The last time my ex messaged me asking for more spousal maintenance. Those payments ended in October, finally, but he agreed to take a decently less child support long term for more spousal maintenance. Now, when I looked into it, it appears he opened a Chase credit card in April which is over the credit limit and three months past due. It has his address and the account has his phone number on it. He obviously has my social security number from when we were married.
Speaker 3:I called Chase and they at first said that this was a civil issue and that I'd have to work it out in court. When I asked for them to give it to me in writing, they refused. I messaged my ex on Saturday and he called me instead and he told me that he needed the card for more expenses, since I wouldn't give him more spousal maintenance, even though we had already agreed to everything during the divorce process. He said if I went to the police he'd take me back to court for more child support which I would be on the hook for for more than a decade. It's $4,000 now or so, according to some real quick calculations, $ 30,000 over the past 12 years. I'm leaning towards turning him in, but from what I gather, the criminal case would have no bearing on the child support which he would have a decent chance of winning. I'm sort of stuck here. What should I do you turn his ass in. Turn his ass in, because you Turn his ass in. First of all, he committed fraud. He used your social security number.
Speaker 1:Hold on, babe. I'm sitting here thinking like you got the answer to your problem, because if you turn him in, you got to take the kids because he in jail, you committed fraud, boo, so you turn him in, you get that $4,000 off of you. Then you say to your child now you got to be a mom. Goodbye I don't know if you want to do that or not but you gotta be a mom, you know what I'm saying, because he going to jail for fraud yeah, but she said.
Speaker 3:She said he's always had an issue holding a job down, she was on the hook for their debt, she had to pay him spousal maintenance and pays him child support. And this cat turned around and said that he went and opened the credit card because she refused to give him more money to maintain his lifestyle. So I'm just going to go out on a limb and say that homeboy not even working and he's trying to survive off of child support and spousal maintenance.
Speaker 1:True, it sounds like he tried to Kevin Featherline her.
Speaker 3:Kevin Featherline how.
Speaker 1:You know how he got the kids from Brittany and he was set up for life.
Speaker 3:That is not the same thing and there was a lot behind the scenes that was happening Like she was being done real dirty.
Speaker 1:Okay, she was, but Kevin Featherline to his dads out here, he's a hero.
Speaker 3:Okay, bye, Maurice. He's not a hero. He really is not.
Speaker 1:Okay to you.
Speaker 3:Okay, but I'm not doing this with you what I would say ma'am, sir, ma'am sir, ma'am, ma'am, sir, uh, take his ass to court. Turn turns out, sue. No, sue him. Yeah, yeah, take him to court, sue him. And, based on when the credit card application was filed, I would also get um something from chase saying did you, were you under the impression I was the person that? Was applying for this credit because.
Speaker 1:I was not.
Speaker 3:Here's the thing. And we were already divorced when he applied for this credit card.
Speaker 1:You're thinking it's just fraud. There's also perjury in there.
Speaker 3:Because he signed a document. He had to sign her name.
Speaker 1:Yes, so he's going to get time. Yes, and when he gets the time, you don't have to pay for that card, nor do you have to pay this child support, but you're going to have them kids.
Speaker 3:So the thing is she said ex-husband and she said she filed for divorce, but she didn't necessarily mean that it was final. So we're just assuming that it was final. If she's paying child support it has to be final.
Speaker 1:Oh, you're right.
Speaker 3:She's paying spousal maintenance Spousal support. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Call it what you want to call it. She's paying alimony. Yeah, call it what you want to call it, it's alimony.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You know so.
Speaker 3:And then if she can get him saying that in a text message.
Speaker 1:Well that's why he called her he's smart.
Speaker 3:And that's caught on to that, because she said she messaged him and he said I'm not going to incriminate myself because you can use this in court, but she can also record the calling.
Speaker 1:That's illegal In most cases.
Speaker 3:Yeah, to record people without their knowledge.
Speaker 1:Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 3:It's illegal. But the whole here's the whole thing. The whole thing is he applied for the credit card, he used the credit card.
Speaker 1:Okay, so now this is. It was only $4,000.
Speaker 3:So now I'm wondering, did he? But it's over the limit and it's three months past due he didn't even pay it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he used it and didn't pay it. It's over the limit because they keep hitting him with interest.
Speaker 3:And then we don't know what type of credit card it was. It could be there. It could be an annual fee on it. So I'm wondering did he get the credit card and then call and make himself an authorized user? Because if they issued the credit card, the credit card should be. It should have her name on it, and when you go to use the credit card they ask for ID. So was he just saying like?
Speaker 1:oh, it's my wife's card.
Speaker 3:When he got the credit card he probably added that day and got a card with his name on it that day. Okay, so then you could go back. Hold on, you could go back, right, and if there's no charges on her card, that has her name on it. I never used the card, only the authorized user used the card.
Speaker 1:You've never seen me use the card in person. There's a possibility.
Speaker 3:He could have used it online.
Speaker 1:Online online, but then you could track ip address and all that yeah, oh yeah, take it, sue him, take him to court.
Speaker 3:I mean for me, just the fact that you got the credit card after you guys were, uh, divorced and the fact that if you look, if she had an 800, that means she has a great history of paying her bills and paying her bills on time. Right, so you can look at all of my other credit activity, all my other credit cards. You mean to tell me that this is the and this is a $4,000 limit. It's not even a high limit. So, assuming that she has other credit cards, you mean to tell me all my other credit cards are in the green, but this is the one credit card I chose not to pay for three months. Right, make it make sense. Way, make it make sense. It doesn it.
Speaker 3:Sue him. Sue him, get your cheering. Stop paying him, not your cheering. Stop paying him and move on. Move on, rebecca, move on. I don't know if that's her name. She just feels Rebecca is in my spirit. For her, it's not my spirit. Just move on Rebecca. Move on Becky. Okay, not Becky, just move on Sue him and move on Not.
Speaker 3:Becky. All right, guys, this has been another episode of Life After I Do. If you're not doing so already, you already know what to do. You can go check us out on all of our social media platforms. All of them, all the usual suspects Facebook, instagram, tiktok, youtube. I don't know why, but MySpace just popped in my head. We do not have a MySpace. I was just about to say it, though.
Speaker 1:Who has a MySpace?
Speaker 3:When I said Facebook, it literally popped in my head it's time to trade her in for a newer model.
Speaker 3:All of the usual suspects. Guys, follow us on all of our platforms, don't forget. You can also write into us at lifeafteridopodcasts at gmailcom, and you can also send us a text. Guys, wherever you listen to your podcast, shoot us a text. If there's any videos that you want to get our advice on, if you have any questions you want to ask the pod that you want us to answer, let me just say this Look, shoot us a message.
Speaker 1:You guys, you want to ask the pod that you want us to answer. Let me just say this look, shoot us a message. You better, you guys, you guys have a better uh shot of emailing us than dming us because we're not going to respond to these dms.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, I was gonna say that, yeah, because we had quite a few dms. We don't, we? We? Don't trust people, so you yeah, if you, if you want to send a video or anything like that, it would be best to, like you know, send, send it an email. But in any case, we still are looking at the messages. Okay, guys not responding. Not to all of them, we don't respond to all of them, but yes, and don't forget, you get a new episode every single Wednesday, so tune in, like and share.
Speaker 1:Tell everybody before you say um, before Everybody, before you say before we say peace, I want to say what?
Speaker 3:do you want to say?
Speaker 1:I know what you did, mama. What my mother? I'm not going to say her government name.
Speaker 3:Okay, but I know what you did. He knows what you did, mom.
Speaker 1:I know what you did, okay, and, yes, I'm talking about you again. Okay, on another episode. All right. So episode All right. So listen to this, and I'm still going to talk about you, and I might talk about you next week, because you don't like when people talk about you. Okay, so do something that don't get you talked about and you will be talked about follow us on all of our social media platforms, guys.
Speaker 3:Message like share all of the above.
Speaker 1:Don't forget the OnlyPans and until next time.
Speaker 3:Peace Booskies Peace.
