Life After I Do Podcast
Marriage and relationships can be tough. You may feel like you’re the only one struggling but you’re not. Life After I do is a weekly podcast where Morice and Kynesha, a black married millennial couple, share their experiences and advice on everything from kids and family to intimacy and connection. Noting is off limits.
In their 21 years together and 7 years of marriage, Morice and Kynesha have learned a lot about what it takes to make a relationship work. They know the importance of communication, trust and commitment. They also know it’s okay to not have it all figured out.
Join them every Wednesday as they talk about their own journey of “Life After I do”.
Life After I Do Podcast
The Right Amount
Physical intimacy can be a complex and delicate part of any relationship. What happens when the pressures of daily life interfere with our desires? We candidly talk about our own experiences, including a failed challenge to increase intimacy, and explore the different ways men and women approach physical connection. Understanding each other's needs and finding a balance is key, and we emphasize how crucial mutual understanding is to maintaining a satisfying relationship. Through our personal anecdotes, we highlight the efforts required to keep the spark alive, even when life gets in the way.
My answer to the question is like. I think it depends, because I know for me I go through times where, like I need it daily, like I need it daily, but then once you give it to me daily, by like day four. I'm like by like day four, I'm like.
Speaker 3:By day three, you lose, you losing steam.
Speaker 1:You're like.
Speaker 3:I'm good, I'm good.
Speaker 1:I'm good, I'm good, I'm good by day three, you losing steam you like. I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, my back hurt.
Speaker 3:Hey everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Life After I Do. I'm your host, nisha Jean. I'm here with my husband today Mon. Leto, that's when I take my water break.
Speaker 1:I thought you liked. When I sang to you I do Sometimes you.
Speaker 3:just I don't know how long the song is going to be.
Speaker 1:Forever. My lady. I thought you were going to say I'm holding you closer. I don't like this voice change. I feel like I'm channeling, like my inner Cher. Oh my bad.
Speaker 3:Oh Lord Forgot to turn the phone off, but I feel like I'm channeling, like my inner Cher.
Speaker 1:Oh, my bad, oh Lord.
Speaker 3:Forgot to turn the phone off, but I feel like I'm like challenging, like my inner Cher.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Don't I kind of sound like Cher?
Speaker 1:Not at all.
Speaker 3:Okay, that's fine.
Speaker 1:Hey.
Speaker 3:Booskies? What about Tony Braxton?
Speaker 1:Possibly Okay. How's your week, Booskies? How you doing today?
Speaker 3:I'm good. How are you?
Speaker 1:Are you high like the price of this food out here?
Speaker 3:I don't even want to talk about the price of food. I just think it's ridiculous that the same egg whites that I have been buying For 27 years. Yeah, used to be $6.48 for a box which came with six cartons in it and I did grocery shopping today and it is now $10.98.
Speaker 1:Inflation.
Speaker 3:I just find it a little ridiculous, just a little bit.
Speaker 1:I just don't understand. I saw a clip today. It was Ronald Reagan and he said Wait what? You saw, a clip of Ronald Reagan, ronald.
Speaker 3:Reagan and he said Wait what. You saw, a clip of Ronald Reagan, yeah.
Speaker 1:I was going through my TikTok. Oh, okay, and he said it's not that the people of America are living too well that's causing inflation. He says it's because the government's living too well.
Speaker 3:Oh, is that what it is?
Speaker 1:Yeah, but my tax is too high.
Speaker 3:Oh. I agree, I don't know, I don't know what it is. I just know that things that used to be really cheap are not even really cheap. Things that were just kind of like all right, you know, that's not a bad price, are now like I know you for a long time.
Speaker 1:I remember when you used to get a double cheeseburger for a dollar.
Speaker 3:Oh, the McDonald's double cheeseburger, and on Sundays they're a quarter. I remember that whole debacle you used to be able to Remember. They did the whole the large sweet tea for a dollar. They did that for a while because they did that period to get people hooked and then when they went back to the regular price, people were like it was so good that.
Speaker 1:Now we need it.
Speaker 3:Now we need it. So yeah, but how was your week?
Speaker 1:My week was relaxing. Yeah yeah, I chose to stay in the bubble this week. Cuddle up next to my booskies and get her off her game.
Speaker 3:Yeah, totally here's the thing, Like okay, when you're home, I do love when you're home.
Speaker 2:I do love us spending time and everything it felt like it.
Speaker 3:Because you have to understand that when you guys are not in the house, that's my time to get my things done. That's my time to like straighten up. You know we had your mom last week. So, I haven't had a chance to reset the house. Your mom totally knew what I was talking about because she was like. She was like you feel like you can't really clean your house because there's too many people in it, and I was like absolutely.
Speaker 3:Like she understood where I was coming from. I was just like I haven't had a chance to reset the house. Laundry needed to be done, grocery shopping needed to be done, but I did my laundry. I helped her out. I appreciate you doing your laundry, but I'm just saying like you were in the house for the whole week, so I really I do appreciate that we took the time out and we worked on her room together. Right, that was fun.
Speaker 3:And we watching you struggle just a little bit with that desk. I figured it out. I figured out what you did figure it out.
Speaker 1:but um this bond, this new closeness bond you have with my mother, goodbye.
Speaker 3:You know what? My mother told me, what, and I know, and she listens to this and I told her a win is a win.
Speaker 1:And I'm going to tell her. I hope she listens and loves me more than she ain't shit, goodbye, don't hate, you're such a hater.
Speaker 3:Because, You're such a hater.
Speaker 1:Because the more she loves you too, obviously. You. The more I live around you, the more I realize that these people think I ain't shit. My daughter think I ain't shit. My family think I ain't shit.
Speaker 3:That's literally not true.
Speaker 1:Because the people they call me we're Phoenix, we're Nisha, what about me?
Speaker 3:Nigga, they got phones.
Speaker 1:Oh, Phoenix got no phone.
Speaker 3:They say hi to you.
Speaker 1:In passing. Anyway, my week was-.
Speaker 3:As like a courtesy.
Speaker 1:Yes, passing. Anyway, my week was as like a courtesy. Yes, my week was a week of bubble time I got to watch.
Speaker 3:We watched the new series together, which Look here you got one more season to show me something, with no answers.
Speaker 1:I was talking to my sister today and I said look here.
Speaker 3:Well, you have to tell the people what show it is.
Speaker 1:We're talking about the show From on.
Speaker 3:Amazon Prime.
Speaker 1:I told my sister today. I said if nothing don't happen by episode six of season three, I'm out.
Speaker 3:Oh damn, I mean, that's a lot.
Speaker 1:Episode six yeah, I'm going to give them six more episodes.
Speaker 3:Okay, I mean, that's literally half the season. If you get six episodes into anything, you may as well finish it. It doesn't even matter what's going on at that point, you just finish it off the strength. I'm gonna give it a name. You know what show I wish they put another season of, and I was like obsessed with it because it started off good. No, it started off good, then it went like plateaued, but then it ended so good in her eyes.
Speaker 3:Never heard of it, I know, but if you watch it it was so good. But there's not another season and I'm just like left in a cliffhanger.
Speaker 1:But yeah, from, we were left on a good cliffhanger though at the end of season two we might start a different podcast, just so we can talk about the shows we watch.
Speaker 3:Well, you mean the shows I watch.
Speaker 1:because you don't watch shows with me that often I'm going to watch him with you so we can talk about him. But anyway, my week was good because I got to spend time with my baby. Even though I tried to rest a lot, you wouldn't let me do most of it because you was like you home. You going to be active in this house.
Speaker 3:Well, because you were here and it's like you wanted to cuddle every five seconds, right, and I'm like, okay, so this is what we're going to do. I will compromise. I will cuddle with you for a half a day, we will get some sknoodles in, and then you have to be productive. I told you With me.
Speaker 1:I don't want to be productive, I want to be under you. We can be productive next week. This week we recharge.
Speaker 3:We really couldn't, because I knew when I hadn't done the grocery shopping. And when my kid got up in the morning and she was like Mom, do you have time to cook today? And I was like, not today, babe. She was like, oh well, can I get a plain bagel from Starbucks? I was like you absolutely can?
Speaker 1:Did you buy her bagels today?
Speaker 3:Huh, I did not buy her bagels today, because she really don't need to eat a bagel every morning.
Speaker 1:She thinks you do no it's fine. It's fine. No, it's fine, she'll go back to her cooked breakfasts next week. My week was really good, really good.
Speaker 3:I'm happy you enjoyed your week.
Speaker 1:Now I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself for what I have to do. Work and my other ventures.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, I had a good week. It honestly was a good week.
Speaker 1:It's going to continue to be a good week. There's only one thing bad about the week what? You know what?
Speaker 3:I don't oh my gosh, cut it out that kind of. I think that's a great segue into what we're going to be talking about today. That's a great segue into what we're going to be talking about today. So I have a video ultimate blocker I have a video for you.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 3:And it's a question as well. Okay, so you ready? All right, here we go, let's do it.
Speaker 2:How much sex is enough? Sex Like, honestly, like we don't talk about these things. There's so much of our day-to-day life that we're constantly feeling like we're not doing well, based on nothing. Like I don't think I'm doing that well Compared to what I'm not good looking enough. Compared to what A photoshopped image of a person on steroids? Yeah, you're right, you don't look like a photoshopped person on steroids. You're not supposed to Like. Women are going into doctor's offices saying make me look like this and showing the doctor something that's been photoshopped. That person doesn't look like that. Like how would you know you're not having enough sex? How much sex are people having?
Speaker 3:I always find. I always find that to be curious.
Speaker 1:Do you?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I do actually.
Speaker 1:The question, or or the whole, the whole clip um the question really my, my answer to the question is like, I think it depends, because I I know for me I go through times where, like I need it daily, like I need it daily, but then, once you give it to me daily, by like day four, I'm like, by like day four, I'm like.
Speaker 3:By day three, you lose, you losing steam.
Speaker 1:You're like I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good. My back hurt.
Speaker 3:I'm good, my back hurts, my back hurts. So really it's your mind, like in your mind, you think you want it every single day, and then when you try, well, sometimes here's the thing I do, want it every day. Right, okay.
Speaker 1:I don't want to have to participate every time.
Speaker 3:Okay, see? No, no, absolutely not. I want the end result without the work, without the work. That's not. I want the end result without the work, without the work.
Speaker 1:that's not Sometimes yeah.
Speaker 3:Sometimes Just not going to happen though.
Speaker 1:Sometimes you know, sometimes I just need to.
Speaker 3:Sometimes, you just need to just starfish it yeah, Just be like listen here. Make me feel nice.
Speaker 1:Hit you with the. You know what I mean.
Speaker 3:No, but I wanted to ask your opinion about it because even when, like talking to friends of mine and things like that, everybody is on like a different. It's a different level, it's a different pattern, and I think it's safe to say that we can all agree that physical intimacy in a relationship is important, and especially in a marriage, something I had heard when I was looking at another video.
Speaker 3:he was like you know, men don't get married to not have sex, right? So? But I just wanted to gauge, like, your opinion about it, because I think when you have people and I'm saying this from conversations that I've had recently is you have people who go like a week or two weeks or sometimes a month, but then you kind of get back on track.
Speaker 1:I like that reaction. They went two years yeah.
Speaker 3:This is rough, but yeah, you know what I'm saying. But then kind of get back into the swing of things.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like I can say this I know that for me, what I've noticed is that when my, when I'm not at one or at peace with myself, I'm not thinking about that, okay. So like when I'm going through a time where, like I'm, I'm stressing and I'm struggling about things, I'm not that's the furthest thing from my mind, right, but then, like, I'll have like glimpses of it in those modes where you'll like walk by me or I'll look at you.
Speaker 3:I'm like, oh okay, now I could distract myself. Now you know what?
Speaker 1:I'm saying but it's like I'm not like I go through I think you can attest to this Like I go through my spells where I'm not like actively pursuing you, because I'm just so consumed with whatever's stressing me or whatever's worrying me, yeah, that I'm not really thinking about that in the moment, or I'm only thinking about that when I can't get that, because for me I don't know if it's just. I think this goes off for all men, for most.
Speaker 3:For most men Can't speak for all.
Speaker 1:For most men.
Speaker 3:I'll be at work.
Speaker 1:I'll be like if she pulled up right now it's going down.
Speaker 3:It's going down, see, and for me I'm like the opposite. For me, if I'm at work or if I'm engaged in something, I'm not, thinking about that?
Speaker 3:I'm not thinking about that at all, and I think it's really funny and really interesting how men and women kind of I guess, kind of view sex on a daily basis, because you and I have had conversations before and I've asked you questions like is sex something that you think about all the time? Is there some form of? Is sex something that you think about all the time, like, is there some form of like physical intimacy or sexual act that's constantly playing in your mind, it's not all the time.
Speaker 1:My answer to you is always the same it's not all the time, but like I could be doing something and I get a glimpse, or I see something that I can correlate to that, and then it pops in my head, but it doesn't always linger.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 1:Sometimes, now, now, when it lingers, that's when I'm on you like hey, hey, we gotta get this out, we gotta get this monkey, I need you, I need you, we gotta get me in my bedroom I gotta get this monkey off my back. Goodbye, so I can go back to living my life okay because I do go through times where that's all I'm thinking about yeah, and it's like look I'm not gonna to be happy until I get this out.
Speaker 3:Okay. So what would you say for yourself? Okay, we'll do this independently for me and then for you. For yourself, do you feel like in your relationship that you get enough?
Speaker 1:Yes and no. Okay, because I also know and this is how I know we've been together forever my worst weeks are always the weeks when you're unavailable.
Speaker 3:Oh, okay.
Speaker 1:That'd be the weeks I'd be like I'd be down to tear ass of this week.
Speaker 3:And it's just probably because you know you don't have access to me. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And then when you come off, I feel like when you come off, then you be on me and I'd be like that was last week pimp.
Speaker 3:I'm really not feeling you, though, like I had to thug it out, I had to thug it out with my hands last week.
Speaker 1:You better go charge that rose.
Speaker 3:Wow, wow, damel. I have no comment for that. I have no comment for that. I have no comment for that. But yeah, so you're just ridiculous. He likes to say a lot of things with shock value, just FYI, in case you haven't noticed that about him yet. He does like to say a lot of things with shock value.
Speaker 1:The one thing about me is I'm not going to be backed up.
Speaker 3:But, like he said, he was saying how do you know that you're having enough or not having enough, like? What are you measuring it to Like for you? How do you measure if we are being intimate enough?
Speaker 1:I think part of it has to do with our interactions, because I feel like when it's been a while since we've been intimate, well, I feel like we kind of both are a little on edge.
Speaker 3:Yeah, until we— Like we kind of get in sync with like hey, haven't seen you, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:So I feel like—but I feel like it's hard—I think it's hard to really quantify what's enough.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 1:Because I feel like once you do things—like if we're around here, like you said earlier, we tried the everyday right and the everyday didn't work for me. Yeah, I was going to say the everyday did not work for you.
Speaker 3:It did not In case y'all didn't know, just a quick, brief backstory. He and I had set up a challenge just for ourselves. Just, you know, getting closer. We always talk about reinventing the relationship. We always talk about you know, getting closer. We always talk about reinventing the relationship. We always talk about, you know, setting new goals and stuff for each other.
Speaker 3:So I came up with the idea that we are going to make a valid effort to make sure our kid was put to bed on time, to make sure we meet each other, you know, at the same time each night in our bedroom, so that we could get better at carving out time for ourselves. This was during a time where you were working like a lot and we weren't seeing a lot of each other and things were starting to kind of get off balance. So I came up with the idea that we are going to be committed to a time in which we carved out for each other at the end of the evening when he came home from work. So make sure everything is taken care of at home. She's already put to bed, she's asleep when you come home, you shower and we will have two solid hours before it's our bedtime and during those two hours. We also are going to make a commitment to be there for each other physically. He tapped out after day three.
Speaker 1:After day three I was like we can just watch TV, I, you just watch TV.
Speaker 3:I was. You know. What's funny is I was like getting kind of excited. I was like okay, like it gave me something to look forward to.
Speaker 1:You know what it was.
Speaker 3:And then, day three you were just like.
Speaker 1:Like I'm actually really good. Yeah, I'm actually really good. You know what it was.
Speaker 3:I think part of Four more days. Dude, you had four more days.
Speaker 1:For me, part of it was I was just so mentally exhausted from work that I couldn't give you everything I got. Oh, I really couldn't Like. If you wanted me to starfish, I could get you that every night.
Speaker 3:No, the mail.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:That doesn't even sound right coming from a mail.
Speaker 1:It don't, but I could have laid there Still right on.
Speaker 3:Bye.
Speaker 1:I could have laid there. No, but I was like I know that's not what you, but it literally by day three. I was just so mentally tired from trying to be present at work, present at home, present being a father. I was like, look here we can just cuddle and watch TV Right, like we ain't gotta.
Speaker 3:But I like that you said that too, because we, to me that way, I feel like that was a perfect example of what I try to express to you during the times where I'm just like I'm real kind of overwhelmed, I'm like tapped out, like I don't want to, actually don't want to be touched because she's been touching on me all day, yeah, I was overstimulated. So in those moments, like when you had said that I'm like okay, now imagine that on a little bit of a regular basis.
Speaker 1:I get that, but I also feel like I've never really been one to pressure you. No you haven't Unless it's like seriously like hey, it's bad, it's bad, it's bad.
Speaker 3:It's bad, it's seriously like, hey, it's bad, it's bad, it's bad, it's bad, it's bad. Okay, but I also wanted to ask you a question and your thoughts about do you think that the responsibility of the couple's sex life or physical intimacy life is more the female responsibility or the male responsibility? And I know you're probably going to say both, because I would say both, but I don't think society views it that way.
Speaker 1:For me personally, I would say both, but I would say that the responsibility is more skewed towards being the woman's responsibility.
Speaker 3:Why do you think that is? And?
Speaker 1:I'm going to speak for me personally, right? Because for me personally, it's like I have a—in my situation. I feel like I go out every day and I'm needed for everything else, right?
Speaker 2:I'm needed at work.
Speaker 1:I'm needed to do things around the house. I'm needed for all else, right, I'm needed at work. I'm needed to do things around the house. I'm needed for all my other ventures, right? So I'm needed. So when I come home, I want to feel wanted by you, right? I don't want to feel like I'm pursuing you all the time Now, mind you. You know, I don't mind pursuing.
Speaker 3:I was going to say, yeah, you, I'll chase that thing. I can't you hear me?
Speaker 1:now I can't, but it's just. He's not lying, by the way, but for me it's like I really do appreciate being pursued.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I know. Because it's something that I don't I guess as well. You know I being out in the world Because I'm not accustomed to being pursued often right.
Speaker 1:That's why I always say a compliment means a lot to a man, because we don't get a lot of compliments, so when we receive one, that one compliment will go a long way.
Speaker 3:Right, like the girl laughing at your jokes at the grocery store. It kind of goes along with that. We were just having a conversation.
Speaker 1:Sure's, it kind of goes along. She was just having a, we were having a conversation. Sure, you know, sorry, go ahead.
Speaker 3:Proceed.
Speaker 1:At least she don't.
Speaker 3:But I get it.
Speaker 1:At least she's not messing up my order. Goodbye, go ahead. Yeah, so when I come home, it's like I don't mind pursuing you all the time. Yeah, but sometimes when I come home and I'm exhausted, if you pursue me, that gives me like a boost of not only energy but confidence.
Speaker 3:Yeah, because it's like oh, she wants me, she wants me.
Speaker 1:It's like you're not coming to me because you need me to do something. You're coming to me because you want me, right, and then that for me, that's the turn on.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:The wanting me.
Speaker 3:Right, I can get that. I think what kind of sparked that was, because I was listening to another clip. I think it was on Instagram or TikTok, and it was essentially about how sex is made to be the woman's responsibility. There's always this notion that you have to please him, you have to make sure that he's sexually satisfied, and a lot of the time a woman's satisfaction is lost in the shambles because the focus is to make sure you're feeling good and to make sure your man is taken care of, but no one really talks about is the woman.
Speaker 1:Well, I talk about that, I know you do Because I do feel like I was like we've had some pretty in-depth conversations around the topic of sex. For me personally. It's just as important for me that you are relieved.
Speaker 3:Yeah, as me, right Satisfied. You can say satisfied, satisfied. That sounds terrible.
Speaker 1:Relieved. Yes, sounds terrible. Yes, yes, yes, as me, um, but I will also say that you've made me this train, sorry train of thought. Oh, that's what I'm saying. I will also say that when you put it on me.
Speaker 1:Okay, look here here he goes if you put it on me. The next morning I got the energy to go out there and build you a house. You hear me, whatever, you know. You know what it put it on me. The next morning I got the energy to go out there and build you a house. You hear me, whatever, you know what it's like when I wake up like babe, you want some, you want me to go get you something, you want to go eat something.
Speaker 3:He be like babe, I'm going to go to Starbucks, you want some?
Speaker 1:Starbucks what you need. I'm going to go get your oil change I.
Speaker 3:Did you see that? Sorry side note Did you see that clip that I had sent you when he was talking to their ring camera to his wife? And he was like, hey, babe, I'm going to go get that power washer so I can power wash your house, because I know that's what you want me to do, but hey, in return you think you can do something for me?
Speaker 1:I want some titties, right? I would just say it is very, very true for me in particular when I get it good, you finna get the best treatment the next day, oh, wow. Goodbye, I should be getting treated nice all the time you do get treated nice all the time, but you get like empress treatment the next day. Can't do no wrong.
Speaker 3:Okay, you know what I'm saying, especially when it comes with that. Good sleep too. Goodbye, oh Lord, goodbye. But yeah, I just thought it was really interesting. That's why I wanted to get your opinion about it, because talking with friends, like other friends of mine, you know some people are like oh we once a week, twice a week, then you'll have another friend who reacts to that and it's like twice a week, how are you surviving?
Speaker 1:and then it's like twice a week isn't. Everybody has different drives, and that's what I was gonna say. I think it depends on the couple. Everybody has lifestyles, life and when you have, when you have kids, it's how many opportunities do you have between work? Because sometimes you're trying to stay up to put the kids to sleep so you can have time together, and then one of us tap out Because we're trying to, we're exhausted as well. So it's like the schedule really does dictate a lot of that, because I do feel like on when she has her late practices and you're walking in at 9.30. So my mind is like, okay, she's walking in at 9.30 and then she got to deal with her, so that's 10 o'clock, then she's going to take a shower, so that's 10.20. So I mean we ain't going to be. Yeah, I'm just going to go to bed. Yeah, that's how I think about it, but not including all of the other things.
Speaker 1:11 o'clock and I got to be up at five.
Speaker 3:I'm just going to go, and we've all been up since six yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm just going to go to bed. Yeah, at this point we're going to we're going to.
Speaker 3:We're going to aim for for the weekend tomorrow. We're going to see you.
Speaker 1:We got Thursday, Friday, Saturday. We're good. Most opportune that's is a Monday or Wednesday in there.
Speaker 3:I can't. So. The other thing I wanted to ask you, and I know you and I have had talks about the question I'm going to ask you now and I know that you, I remember what your answer was before.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 3:But I want to see has it changed now?
Speaker 1:Probably not.
Speaker 3:Your thoughts and feelings about scheduling it.
Speaker 1:I'm not. I'm not a big scheduler because I feel like it takes the for me. Okay, I, you know I'm, I am kind of like the sappy emotional guy right so kind of okay, yeah, whatever my husband's very sensitive I love that. So for me I'd rather have a spot because, like, if you schedule it, it's like it feels more like a chore it feels like another task I have to do.
Speaker 3:Okay. So yes, I can understand that. And then that also makes me think about when we did the experiment and you tapped out on day three, Because it was scheduled.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it was kind of like scheduled. But the other side of that is when life starts to happen and you look up and you're like, oh, it's been a week. Or you look up and you're like, oh, it's been a week. Or you look up and it's like, oh, it's been like five days. Do you not think scheduling it? Can there still can be spontaneity into scheduling it? Because no, because I think just scheduling the time together.
Speaker 1:You know, I had friends, I have friends who told me that you know they schedule theirs and it works for them right, and I just felt like when you schedule it, it's, it's rushed and it's not really. Yeah, it's not. I feel like it's not organic. It's not organic and um it just, it just seems to um, always, I don't know, every time I feel like rescheduled it doesn't, it doesn't it takes away, it takes something away. Yeah, it doesn't feel the same I me personally.
Speaker 3:Now I'm not going to tell you how to feel. I think that could be more of you putting like something into your head about it, because even the times where we've had to kind of like schedule it, I feel like the interaction was still good, because I look at it as scheduling.
Speaker 2:The time I don't look at it as just scheduling like I guess what the time is for I'm desperate, but it's like if it's on the calendar.
Speaker 3:it's like I'm carving out 3 pm to 5 pm and that's the time I get to spend with my husband. Because, even when you tapped out at day three, we still had an intimate moment, we still got to cuddle, we still talked Like for moment. We still got to cuddle, we still talk like. For me that's still intimacy, even though the actual like intercourse portion didn't happen. Us having a intimate conversation, us being cuddled together, us doing all of those things, all of those things together, that was still intimate for me, you know what.
Speaker 3:I mean, so I don't have a problem with the scheduling. I just don't like it no no it's not your thing not my thing, not my jish not your jish not my jish but do you think that it could be a helpful tool for people who are like on a more rigorous schedule, or I?
Speaker 1:mean need to like prioritize because you're you're prioritizing your relationship like I said before, like I have friends who do, and it's because they they literally have opposite work schedules exactly so it makes sense.
Speaker 1:It makes sense, it makes sense right, and that's why they also take they also take their days off seriously, because it's like you know, like, like how we do, like fridays our day, to where we spend the most time together, because you know, we've been doing our weekly thing, so like. So friday and saturday is where the days we try to really spend, I mean friday in particular. Yeah, we, we, we carve out time for each other, right?
Speaker 3:Same idea. So, like on Fridays, we have a whole schedule right. Like Fridays, we drop her off at school together, we go to the gym or we go to breakfast.
Speaker 1:We come back home we record.
Speaker 3:So it's like it's the same idea, like you have to schedule it Like for instance, if we decided to throw that in there on Friday we could say okay this is what we're gonna do.
Speaker 1:It would be weird to me it would not.
Speaker 3:Be you mean to tell me you would turn me down. I have before no, you would if we carved out having our time together before like recording or something, and you gonna turn me down.
Speaker 1:I don't know.
Speaker 3:I don't think, I don't think that you would.
Speaker 1:I don't know, I just know that, like for me, I guess for me it's a matter of the heart, right? That's why I always say like I've never felt like I was the type of guy who could just sleep with a bunch of women, because it is a matter of the heart.
Speaker 1:Like I have to be somewhat connected to you, so I feel like at some point it needs to be organic for me to really be into it. Okay, you know what I'm saying Now. Granted, like, don't get me wrong, like when we, when the quickie comes around, a good quickie is good A good maintenance session. It's good, but that's only going to hold me for a while. I need a good organic session where we're going to have time, and you know I've tried my damnness this year per se to give a vacation bae.
Speaker 3:Oh no, Vacation. Bae is only on vacation. You know I know, you've tried, but it's not, it's a mental thing. You know, I know you've tried, but it's not, it's, it's, it's a mental thing.
Speaker 3:He's referring to he's referring to like my alter ego when we're on vacation and we call her Vacation Bay and he likes Vacation Bay. But I have explained to him many, many times that Vacation Bay only comes out for vacation because it is a mindset. Vacation Bay is not worried about what's going around or going on in the house. Vacation Bay doesn't have to worry about somebody knocking at the door once things start getting started. Vacation Bay don't have to worry about hearing Mommy, mommy. It's a very different mentality. Vacation Bay unfortunately does not visit at home.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean. I've tried to have things scheduled where we had time together and not had. I've had sitters fall through and all that kind of stuff.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:So it's like I've tried Great and just haven't been successful this year, but I'm hoping that eventually I will be successful.
Speaker 3:You will be successful. I'm confident.
Speaker 1:I still have a couple more months left. It's just that. The scheduling for me is just. It doesn't really work well, Okay.
Speaker 3:You just don't like the way. It doesn't sit well with you, okay.
Speaker 1:Because I, just I prefer organic experience.
Speaker 3:Okay, that's fair.
Speaker 1:I mean, I'm not a robot.
Speaker 3:That's fair. I know you're not a robot. I know you're not a robot, DeBell.
Speaker 1:But to address the other part of the clip, I agree with what you're saying. I do think a lot of people have unrealistic expectations of their looks and what they should look like based off of society now, and I do feel like people don't understand that people are out here with these, with ozempic and tummy tucks and steroids he was using that as like an example to say you know, how do you know you're having or not having enough sex when you have people who are out here measuring themselves to people who are artificially?
Speaker 1:like done up to that part. I was just going to say that you have to find your true value within yourself.
Speaker 3:Right and no, and there is no one right answer. Like for two days a week could be perfect for one couple and one day a week could be perfect for one couple.
Speaker 1:Sometimes two days, two times a month, could be good for one couple.
Speaker 3:It could be good for a couple. So it really just depends. It depends on the couple and as long as you guys have come to an agreement on what your sex life looks like and that it's healthy for you guys, then that's all that matters.
Speaker 1:If I had a job that kept me away from home three weeks out of the month, I would expect seven days straight when I come home.
Speaker 3:Yes, if you didn't tap out at three days. Absolutely, okay, absolutely. I'm never going to let that down, just FYI, it's fine, I'm never gonna let that down, just FYI. I'm not gonna do that, but if you would like to try again, I am open, okay you wanna start tomorrow, monday. I like to start at the top of the week, or Sunday because some people consider Sunday to be, the top of the week.
Speaker 3:I love you, babe. Okay, let's go ahead and move this along. We're gonna move right on into our two cents. I love you, babe. Okay, let's go ahead and move this along. We're going to move right on into our two sits, okay. So this is one I have for you today, babe.
Speaker 3:Am I the asshole for telling my fiance my mom is more important in my life? Oh, wow, I, a male who's 27, and I've been with my fiance for six years. We got engaged six months ago and our wedding is planned for next year. We've always had a strong relationship, but one issue keeps coming up my mom. I was raised by my mom alone after my dad left when I was a kid. It's always been just us two and because of that, we've become really close. My mom gave up a lot to make sure I had a good life and I feel like I owe her everything. I talk to her every day and I visit her often.
Speaker 3:My fiance has always been understanding about my relationship with my mom, but recently she's been feeling like she's not as important to me. She told me she feels like she's constantly competing for my attention and it's starting to cause tension between us. A few days ago, we had a huge argument. She said that she was the one getting married. She wants to feel like she's the most important person in my life.
Speaker 3:I told her that, while I love her deeply and want to build a life with her, my mom will always hold a special place because of everything she has done for me. I said quote my mom is more important in my life. She has always been there for me and I can't and I won't push her aside. My fiance was really upset by this and hasn't spoken to me since. She feels like she's being asked to settle for second place, which isn't what she expected when she agreed to marry me. I've tried to explain that loving my mom doesn't mean I don't love her or that I won't prioritize our relationship, but she doesn't seem to think that way. Now I'm wondering if I was wrong to say what I did. I didn't mean to hurt her, but I also feel like I need to be honest about where my priorities are. Am I the asshole for telling my fiance that my mom is more important in my life?
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 3:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:You are Absolutely, and this, this is. He's just the product of a single mother household.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because he here's the thing the whole point of marriage is that you start your own family, Right, and to start something new you have to let go, yeah, Some part of the. You have to let go of some of your past right. So I'm not saying that you neglect your mother altogether.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 1:But your fiancee, who will be your wife, who will then be the mother of your child.
Speaker 3:She wants to know that she's number one.
Speaker 1:She needs to be number one and it's a difficult conversation, because I understand that your mom has always been there for you and you have a tremendous amount of gratitude for your mother. But this is something. This is part of growing up, this is part of maturing.
Speaker 3:And that was part of her parenting.
Speaker 1:Right. At some point you have to leave the nest to start your own family, to build your own nest, and you're not the way you're approaching it, you're not mentally leaving the nest and you're holding on to your mother. Now making your wife or, I'm sorry, your fiancé number one doesn't mean that you're going to neglect your mother. It doesn't mean that your mother is not important.
Speaker 3:Or vice versa.
Speaker 1:It just means that you're at a stage in your life where your wife comes first, because this is the person you have chose to build your family with and to life with. So don't look at it as you putting your wife above your mother. Look at it as you're putting your family Right. You're a family that you created from your body. You're putting that above your mother, but you're not eliminating your mother.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 1:She just doesn't come first, when your family comes first.
Speaker 3:Right and your mom should not want to.
Speaker 3:Like you as her son. She should be the one also telling you that is going to be your wife. Yeah, she comes number one, like you and I. There literally will never be anything in this life that will break the bond that you and I have. It's not possible. You will always be my son. I will always be your mother, but this is the person you have chosen. You went out into the world and you chose this woman and you asked this woman to marry you. You have asked her to follow you. You have asked her to intertwine her life with you. Therefore, she is priority when she becomes your missus and that's the conversation I think the mom should also be having with him and then that's something that she can also but that's it.
Speaker 1:But that's the exact conversation I have with my mom.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I let her know, like, this is who I've chosen Right, and so whether you, whether you like her or not, Right. It doesn't matter, because this is who I've chosen, right? So you either get on bus or you get off.
Speaker 3:Yeah. So I do agree that he was the asshole for essentially saying to his soon-to-be wife that my mother will always be more important to you. And maybe it was just the lack of verbiage, because maybe he didn't. Because even at the end, where he's like, I also want her to know, or I need to be honest about where my priorities are. He's also still saying it like you are a priority, are you know? He's also still saying it like you are a priority, but she's trying to express to you that when I become your wife, I need to know and feel that I am the priority.
Speaker 3:If your mom and I were standing side by side and you had to pull one to the front first, the person you pulled to the front first should not be your mom. It needs to be me. And if it's not going to be me, then guess what? Good luck finding somebody else. Good luck finding somebody else because I can see where this is going, and nor would I even want to date a man whose mother has that much say-so or control in his life where he feels so indebted to her, because his mother is going to know everything about your relationship.
Speaker 3:Exactly he feels so like. When he keeps referring to the fact that she's done so much for me, you make it seem like it was you asking her to do all of those things. She was your mother. It was her responsibility to ensure that you had a safe environment to grow up in. It wasn't intended to be transactional.
Speaker 1:I always get a lot of grief when I talk about this with other people, because I always feel like, at the end of the day, I always feel like we owe our parents gratitude, but outside of that, nothing else, because they they brought us here, so we were their responsibility, right.
Speaker 3:So them raising us was just them doing what doing what they're supposed to do, what they took on their responsibility and I'm forever grateful, and to be in a position to care for your parents and to take care of your parents is an absolute blessing.
Speaker 3:But you want to be able to take care of your parents and you want to be able to care for your parents, but your parents also know and understand that once especially, you have your own life and especially once you're married, I want you to have the best and fullest life there possibly can be, and nothing will ever take away our relationship, because I will always be your mother, no matter what you can go to Timbuktu, it's not going to change the fact that I'm always going to be your mother. Like do you know what I mean? So yes, sir, unfortunately you were the asshole for saying that to your fiance and I really hope that you guys can sit down, even with your mom, and have a conversation and you come to the realization that mom is a priority.
Speaker 3:But your wife is number one. Okay, all right, so until next time. New episodes every Wednesday, if you're not doing so already. You already know the drill guys. Follow us on all of our social media platforms. At Life After I Do Podcast, you can also write in to us at LifeAfterIDoPodcast at gmailcom. Don't forget that. You can text us wherever you're listening to your podcast.
Speaker 1:Wait, wait, wait. You forgot about OnlyPans.
Speaker 3:Goodbye OnlyPans. But yes, you can text us, you can email us. Don't forget to follow us on Instagram, follow us on TikTok and Facebook and YouTube and all of the above. New episodes drop every single Wednesday. And until then, guys, peace booskies, peace booskies. Outro Music.
