Life After I Do Podcast
Marriage and relationships can be tough. You may feel like you’re the only one struggling but you’re not. Life After I do is a weekly podcast where Morice and Kynesha, a black married millennial couple, share their experiences and advice on everything from kids and family to intimacy and connection. Noting is off limits.
In their 21 years together and 7 years of marriage, Morice and Kynesha have learned a lot about what it takes to make a relationship work. They know the importance of communication, trust and commitment. They also know it’s okay to not have it all figured out.
Join them every Wednesday as they talk about their own journey of “Life After I do”.
Life After I Do Podcast
Effort
When your partner evolves unexpectedly, it can be a challenge. In this episode, we share funny and heartfelt stories about navigating changes in long-term relationships. We dive into balancing love, chores, and happiness, discussing trust, forgiveness, and even treating marriage like an NBA contract—all with humor and practical advice.
I would ask myself what is it about his change that is causing me to react this way? Right, Is it something where I feel like he's going to be harmful to himself? Or is it something where maybe I'm being selfish because I don't want the change and I just want to keep him in this little box and I want you to always just be this way because it's what I like? But at the end of the day, your happiness also matters to me.
Speaker 3:You know what I'm saying and that's what I was going to say.
Speaker 1:So I think what it is is like you have to ask yourself like what is it about my partner that's changing? That is giving me such a discourse with it, right? Hey everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Life After I Do. I'm your host, Nisha G G, and I'm here with my husband today. Well, I said that, like I'm here with somebody else, on most days it's always him. But I'm here with my husband when he stops singing, so this is my water or coffee break time.
Speaker 3:It's your boy Molito, or, as my lovely daughter says, molito hey babe, hey, boskis, how you doing, I'm good.
Speaker 1:Or, as my lovely daughter says, molito hey babe, hey, boskis, how you doing, I'm good yeah, I'm refreshed, I'm good we've had a good couple of days we're not recording.
Speaker 3:Late at night, late at night, kiss me in the morning.
Speaker 1:Late at night, oh, that's not where I was going with that. That's not we were not on the same page yeah, that's.
Speaker 3:that's all right, that's okay. Sometimes it all yin and yang.
Speaker 1:Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. What commercial is that?
Speaker 3:Plants or a commercial.
Speaker 1:Was it no for real, because I actually I asked you that question and then I quickly forgot.
Speaker 3:How you doing Booskies.
Speaker 1:I'm missing three nails that I broke yesterday. So if you guys see me trying to like cover my hands, it's because my nails are looking extremely non-demure. Non-cutesy. They are not demure, they are not cutesy, that's because you was momming yesterday.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so I'm like and then the same nails broke, Like my two my two center fingers broke and my thumb. Now it's all on the internet now.
Speaker 1:Well, look, I'm not ashamed, I'm just saying.
Speaker 3:You're out in here doing shit.
Speaker 1:It's just like you know, people like to pick apart, like the little things. They either like the little things or they pick apart the little things, apart the little things. But I'm up here today with missing fingernails. Okay, I'm getting it taken care of.
Speaker 3:Don't come for me, because no one sit for you, I don't care about, okay, and if you complain and you don't, like it that much, then you know what you can do.
Speaker 1:You, you can get them done for me the only thing you should matter.
Speaker 3:to matter should be mine, because I'm the one paying your, your bills. And it's not, it's, they're not giving, they're just not.
Speaker 1:No, you did not, they're not giving.
Speaker 3:They're just not, they're not.
Speaker 1:Your shape up is not giving.
Speaker 3:Oh, that's cool.
Speaker 1:It's just not.
Speaker 3:Now she being petty because I was petty.
Speaker 1:Well, as they know, I'm petty Betty.
Speaker 3:I thought you was petty Patty.
Speaker 1:Petty Patty, petty Betty. I'm all the petty petties.
Speaker 3:No, I'm not.
Speaker 1:I should stop saying that, because people are going to think that I am.
Speaker 3:No, because you are.
Speaker 1:No, because I do have tendencies and I shouldn't lie about who.
Speaker 3:I am.
Speaker 1:Exactly what she said. She is Anywho. How was your week, babe?
Speaker 3:I week babe. I mean, their name is Decepticons.
Speaker 1:We shouldn't trust them. It's in the name. It is in the name.
Speaker 3:That was the best part of the movie.
Speaker 1:Their names are Decepticons.
Speaker 3:My week was okay. It was okay.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 3:It was okay. Since the last time we recorded, we went back to Disney twice.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And we had a ball this time, yeah, and she enjoyed herself, I enjoyed now she's a disney kid and now I'm a disney dad. I know I've been converted. I know I felt like I was. I was at some type of now I feel like it's a cult I went to like some type of cult meeting and I I left, I went, I came home with a pamphlet and converted the whole family bye, goodbye I'm like disney got me in the hook.
Speaker 1:I said oh we coming back here? Yeah, so now we're considering season passes.
Speaker 3:No, look here we're considering. There's no considering, it's done.
Speaker 1:No, we're considering.
Speaker 3:The second that queue opens up. I'm in line.
Speaker 1:We're considering.
Speaker 3:I'm in line. The second want to you ain't got to get me and my baby, although I will say I, I am, I do like disney now don't get me wrong.
Speaker 1:Um, I think it's really important to take kids when they're children. I mean, granted, you had a great experience, I also had a great experience, but looking at it from her perspective, you know what I mean. Like now that that's in almost like a ingrained in her as part of like fun and stuff and she asked for it. Now it's like that's where I get it.
Speaker 3:As you grow up. I think the last time I had went to Disney I was maybe what? 20.
Speaker 1:No, the last time you went to Disney was 17. Cause you took me for my first time to Disney and we ended up leaving early.
Speaker 2:Cause it was for your brother and sister's what Ninth?
Speaker 1:or 10th, and we did not have a great time. I didn't enjoy that I did not enjoy that. I was like can we go home?
Speaker 3:But Disney as a dad.
Speaker 1:But I wish I had that body going to Disney now.
Speaker 3:I just wish I had them heels. I wish I had them heels and them feet I had back then. Oh yeah. But you know Disney now, it was great, I had a great time, especially I had a really good time especially california.
Speaker 1:Adventure, california okay california adventure is my favorite and, like I told you, I would consider the the passes just to go to california adventure. I do like disneyland, but I do think I mean obviously it's geared more towards the children uh, but california, you say that, oh okay, the disneyland park. The disneyland park, that's for me yeah, no, disney california adventure is my favorite. Like california adventure for me is that would be fun for like how my friends just like go to downtown.
Speaker 1:You know, go to disney, I wouldn't mind, just like going at three o'clock or something and going to dca, like that because that's a thing for me. On the dca, well, because my friend got me calling the dca. Her husband said the same thing when her and I were talking about it and he was like DCA, what's that? And she was like Disney California Adventure. He was like oh, we fancy, now we're creating acronyms.
Speaker 3:Right, I would say California Adventure. I love. I got a chance to see Deadpool.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I guess that's just the thing, since the movie is out.
Speaker 1:That was my favorite. Oh, I didn't get to see Thor, so I was mad about that, yeah, but Avengers is my favorite and I will admit, even though— Hold on.
Speaker 3:let me say this real quick I don't know who they got playing Loki.
Speaker 1:Oh, he did a good job, but he looked just like the— he did. I said this guy. You might want to be a double or something, and I really hope that they are paid well because they never break character. Yeah, and I've heard that's a thing Like they're not supposed to, because they never break character.
Speaker 3:Well, because I did get in an argument yesterday with a stormtrooper. No, you didn't, I did.
Speaker 1:What when you took Phoenix?
Speaker 3:over there to take a picture. Why Did you?
Speaker 1:take the pictures with them.
Speaker 3:We didn't take the pictures because they're a moving patrol, oh so, and we couldn't get people off the way. But we had a little back and forth about who was in charge.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 3:And I told myself. I'm not going to take no lift for somebody who can't shoot straight, because stormtroopers don't hit nothing. Okay, anywho.
Speaker 1:The ride though.
Speaker 3:Which ride?
Speaker 1:Star Wars.
Speaker 3:The smuggler's run.
Speaker 1:Made me nauseous, that's because you're getting old. Yeah, these inner ears of mine, these inner ears are taking me out.
Speaker 3:I don't understand how you're not. You're the one driving. Our two pilots were killing us, me and Phoenix were killing it.
Speaker 1:What are you talking about?
Speaker 3:No, you were killing us.
Speaker 1:Well, that's your daughter, because she was moving back and forth like this, but anywho, yeah.
Speaker 3:We had a great time. Disney was really fun. We're not going to recap the whole day, but it was great.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was great, it was really good, it was great. And my baby brought all the roller of her.
Speaker 3:The only one that she was really kind of hesitant about was the matador because or matahorn yeah because she had to, yeah because she had to be by herself, because she had to be by like her.
Speaker 1:She wasn't by herself, but she had to be by herself. She couldn't sit next to anyone, so she was like she goes, mom, am I gonna be okay? And I was like, yeah, she was like, are you sure? I was like I'm positive, phoenix, like I'm confident you're gonna to be okay.
Speaker 3:I wasn't okay.
Speaker 1:Why.
Speaker 3:Because I had heard Dad earlier say that he don't want to ride it because it makes his back hurt.
Speaker 1:Oh, yes, I heard him. I said now I understand, because Dad was going yeah, because those jerks, because his child was like oh yeah, are you going to go on? He said no, baby, I can't do that ride. She was like why? He was like because it makes my back hurt. I said not you turning down the ride. He said I don't feel like dealing with them. Damn back pains tomorrow.
Speaker 3:That's when I realized I was like oh my gosh, I'm a part of the parody club now and people got to understand that this is the last thing I'm going to say about Disney, because they ain't paying us. People got to understand that.
Speaker 1:Disney. What people don't talk about is the fitness you get when you go there too, because you're gonna walk about 8 000 miles, so you're gonna get your steps in. Yep, don't look at me like some of us, don't look at me like that. Okay, really quick. He's looking at me like that because we went. Like he said, we've been to disney three times, right, we've gone every single week.
Speaker 1:This last week, when we went, I told him I was like I'm getting a scooter. I was like I'm getting a scooter and he was like you don't need a scooter. And I was like I do need a scooter because my heels for her. And he was like you don't. He was like Kynesha, please don't get a scooter. And I was like I'm not going to wake up and the back of my right heel hurting, so I don't know what to tell you. You, but it's really rich coming from someone who had to take three breaks because you were talking about your feet was hurting and you were exhausted because I had to carry I was like let's keep going because I got my scooter, so I'm good like my feet didn't hurt today at all.
Speaker 3:My feet was exhausted because I had to carry everything. I had to be the navigator what we had, a basket.
Speaker 1:You put your backpack in the basket of my scooter. What did you carry, sir?
Speaker 3:I had to be the navigator, I had to carry the good looks in the family okay, now you see, you see, how you do you see how he do.
Speaker 1:He taught and he talked all that crap. And then, when we were standing, in line quick.
Speaker 3:I said I wasn't gonna say anything else but shout out to the gumbo at tiana's place oh, did you like it?
Speaker 1:it was actually really good I actually liked my shrimp and grits too but don't try to deter me from what I was saying.
Speaker 1:He, he was complaining, he was like, um, he goes. Oh, I just want to sit down. And I purposely ignored the comment because part of me was going to be like babe, do you want to, like, sit in the chair? Just really, you know, really quick, take a load off. Because me and andy watched a whole family take turns in a scooter because everybody's back and feet were hurting when he said his, his, back or his feet was hurting. I was like. He was like oh, I just really need to sit down.
Speaker 3:My feet are killing me I was just like that's because yesterday when we went, yesterday that was the busiest day we had went yeah, because there was no reason to have it on the last two weeks all the lines were long, so it was like I was on my feet more than the first two visits no, I don't think you were I was yeah, but shout out to like the fact too, like if you could take the cart.
Speaker 1:We went. What was? What was the ride? We got to go straight to the madhorn.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the madhorn, that was pretty cool. But yeah, I was tell I was like I'm not gonna be dealing with my heel spur hurting because of all the. The traffic was a little bit more intense than it was in the previous two weeks so I was like you can call me what you want to, you can say what you want to about me. I'm going to be on my scooter, but yeah, so all in all it was a really good visit. We had a great Disney trip.
Speaker 3:Anytime my baby's smiling, I'm having a good time. I'm talking about my daughter, not my wife, cause sometimes she smiles, she being, she being a menace when she's just smiling, but when my daughter smiles.
Speaker 2:It's a good time.
Speaker 1:Okay, I love her to death, so yeah, but we're excited to get back to it today. We're excited that we got another one. Yeah, get back to recording today Another one, because I've missed you and you know like this is time that we get to be together uninterrupted, y'all should be happy that we're here recording, because we almost watched From all day.
Speaker 3:Oh my gosh, because we in it.
Speaker 1:We're only two episodes in, but it was so hard. I was like we could probably squeeze out another episode. And he was like we really do need to record. I was like, you right, like when you're right, you're right, you know and I'm going to get my egg rolls later. So yeah, so I was just like you know you gotta keep grinding. If it's something you want, you gotta keep going.
Speaker 3:So thank you for not falling into my trick of watching one more episode oh yeah, she tried to seduce me guys.
Speaker 1:I'm kind of proud of you that you fought me off because I pulled out some tricks he tried to seduce me and he was like get your ass up.
Speaker 3:We gotta do it.
Speaker 1:I was like I said are you turning me down really? I? Am he turned me down like I was being honest. I was a little offended, that's fine a little offended. So don't be like. I told him when he turned me down. I said don't be like. I told him when he turned me down, I said don't be trying to pursue me tonight.
Speaker 2:Don't try to pursue me tonight.
Speaker 1:I do not reject you, please stop lying to the people? I do not. You rejected me because you were like. You thought that I was using it as a ploy to not record.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you were.
Speaker 1:I wasn't.
Speaker 3:All the way. If we would have went through, I wouldn't have been asleep and we wouldn't be recording.
Speaker 1:okay, okay okay, so let's, let's hop into it, and you do reject me because I was talking sweet nothing's in your ear. You were not talking sweet. You were saying disgusting things in my ear. They were not sweet, they were downright disgusting, and you were doing it on purpose did it make you feel special no, it made me feel disgusted but I was no. No, it wasn't sweet it was disgusting, so disgusting that I can't even repeat it on air I thought it was sweet it wasn't okay, so we're gonna get back into it.
Speaker 1:So we have a video today a video a video, so I want to hear your reaction.
Speaker 3:We're gonna react to a lot of it today.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:All right, here we go.
Speaker 2:The divorce because they rather change partners than change themselves. The single phase I think it's perfection versus construction. I think that's what's really hurting, especially millennials and Gen Z, is we're looking at perfection and finished products versus works in progress. I agree with that. You're going to need a lot of grace. You can have exactly who God wants for you and you're still going to need grace. You need to be a good forgiver.
Speaker 2:If you are a bad forgiver, marriage is going to be hard for you. If you keep records of wrong, marriage is going to be hard for you If you can know the dirt about somebody. One of the hardest parts of marriage, I think, is they know all of your flaws and they're correcting you right now. You know all of theirs, but you're wrong and they're right. I know everything toxic about you, ryan, and you know everything toxic about me and I'm calling you out right now and I can't say girl, but you did this, you're right, babe. Not much maturity that takes. And some people divorce because they rather change partners than change themselves what do you think?
Speaker 3:I think he's he'll spend a lot of facts right agreed a lot of great, a lot of facts.
Speaker 3:I think these people, um, my mind, my, my uh standpoint on that is that I don't think that you perfected life until your life is almost over, because things are ever changing. So you can have a good head on your shoulders and a good way to go about things, but nothing is really perfected because of the constant change and the constant variables, because through each stage in life we change we change mentally, we change physically, women, especially women with your hormones, y'all constantly changing.
Speaker 2:Good point you know.
Speaker 3:So it's not. It's not. I don't think no one's a complete package when you first meet them.
Speaker 1:I don't think no one. Yeah, I agree, I don't think no one's a complete package.
Speaker 3:I think that it's more so along, we're compatible and committed, right, so we're compatible, and then we're committed, and we're committed to maintaining this and growing this into something that can be perfect.
Speaker 1:You know that we're perfect for us.
Speaker 3:Yeah Right, we're working towards that perfection for each other and it's going to, like you said, it's going to take. It's going to take a lot of maturity, because I think the biggest thing I've had to learn, and something I still struggle with, is a lot of times I have to take myself out of the equation and do what's best for the collective, because a lot of times I do believe that it's the selfish acts that hinder growth, that it's the selfish acts that hinder growth. So you have to put your wants and needs aside for what's better for the collective and I think that, again, me personally, I feel like that's what's important in being a good man, being a good father, being a good father, being a good provider. You have to sacrifice your necessary personal wants for what's best for the family unit.
Speaker 3:You know what I'm saying. Like you have to understand that it's Tuesday to you, but it's your childhood, it's their childhood. It's like you have to understand that, yeah, you just work 12 hours a day, but your wife needs part of you, your daughter needs part of you. And it's like you have to expend yourself to the point to where you have to be in a position where you're mentally prepared to give more than you receive. So you have to go into everything with an open hand and not close fists.
Speaker 1:Right, and I think the part that I liked the most, what he he said, is that you have to be a good forgiver. Yes, you have to be a person that gives grace. I think, when you say sacrificing yourself, or sacrificing your wants and your needs for the greater good, yes, I do think that is true. I think both parties experience that, but I do, I do think that it's not something that, um, like how can I put this? I don't think it's something that has like, that has to be a constant. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1:because you're well, no, you have to like I think you know I hate the word like trying to find the balance, because I honestly believe that there's not like a real thing of balance, but trying to find, maybe, um a good median to be comfortable with, because I do think that your wants and needs are important, because your, your joy, not just your happiness, but your joy is important so that you can be a defective partner to your children and an effective partner for your, your spouse.
Speaker 3:I agree and I would say for me personally, I just that's something I had to learn to do. And I would say for me personally, I just that's something I had to learn to do. And every now and again I just I go against all logic and just do something for myself that makes me happy, like most recently, I would probably say, was buying NCAA football. Like it makes me so happy. I can't.
Speaker 3:But you know but it's doing little things like that, like sometimes I have to, sometimes I have to. You know, this is probably a gift and a flaw. I feel like I have to reward myself for continuing to do the things I do because it's like sometimes, like, yeah, I get a level of gratification seeing the house run properly, seeing the smiles on your guys's face, seeing you guys happy with the day-to-day but sometimes it's like, well, I need to do something for me. Yeah, you know, like so that I'm not, so that I'm included in the happiness, you know.
Speaker 1:That's why I always try to make a point, to say like you shouldn't feel guilty for doing something for yourself, right? Like I always tell you that, even with myself, like I'm not going to feel guilty for doing something for myself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's true, because I shouldn't have to, but it's because I try to practice that, right? Yeah, because life is also meant to be enjoyed. Life is not meant to be stressed out all the time. It's not meant to be anxious all the time. It's not meant to feel like you're, like why am I living? Like I honestly believe that it's not meant to be that way.
Speaker 1:And even when I do have my moments where I'm kind of in that dark hole and I'm in that pit, I try to have my anchor so that I can remind myself like this is not, this is not all of life, it's just a part of life, right?
Speaker 1:And so I'm not going to feel guilty for either doing something that's going to help my mental, or doing something that's going to help my physical, or even if that's, you know, as something as useless as buying something material.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to feel guilty for trying to take care of myself in any way that I see is beneficial for me.
Speaker 1:But going back to what he was saying about people rather divorced than to change themselves and talking about how, when your partner comes to you and is pretty much telling you A, b and C about things that you aren't doing and you want to become essentially retaliatory and tell them that they're not doing A, b and C either, which I know we touched on a few weeks back about being able to take the criticism that your partner is giving you or the feedback that your partner is giving you and not trying to get defensive and rebuttal with all of the things that they're not doing.
Speaker 1:And I do think, like how he said, that takes a certain level of maturity and it that takes a certain level of maturity and it does take a certain level of maturity and it does take work, which is where the patience, the grace and the forgiveness comes in right, because sometimes it is hard to hear when your partner is telling you something where you lack, sometimes all the time. Okay, yeah, it's hard to hear, but people I do agree with what he said when he says people would rather divorce than to change themselves.
Speaker 3:So I think it's hard for people to grasp that sometimes you're the problem.
Speaker 1:Right or that. Not necessarily that you're the problem, but you're not doing everything that you the picture perfectness you have of yourself.
Speaker 3:Or sometimes you're the catalyst for the problem.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:Or sometimes it's is you're getting this reaction or this activity from your partner because of the things that you've placed, that you set in place and because of how you've been moving. Sometimes you are excuse me, sometimes you are the reason for the outcome, and that takes a level of maturity, because sometimes you, even me personally sometimes I have to step back and say okay, if this is the outcome I want, how do I address my wife or my family?
Speaker 1:Like what's the best approach?
Speaker 3:What's the best approach, because I can't just come in here and say, yeah, we're doing this, I don't care, you know what I'm saying. I can't just come in here and say, yeah, we're doing this, I don't care what you, you know what I'm saying. I can't approach it that way.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Sometimes you have to come in and have a game plan and lay down the roadmap and lead them there. Now, granted, if it's something that I feel, that's like, you know, considering your safety, then, yeah, I'll come in with the full force of the foot being put down and this is what it is. But even that I understand in that, like I'm going to get pushback, I'm going to get pushback. So I think part of being not even a husband, but just part of being a leader is you have to understand and how to communicate and how to get your people to effectively respond to what you need them to do, right? So I understand that I can't use certain, like certain words will trigger you. Yeah, certain words will trigger our daughter, right, certain, even certain phrases, right, right. So I have to be careful how I personally maneuver around certain things to achieve it, and for me, that takes a lot of maturity, especially because I come from an era where, as the figure of authority, you just do what I say Like there's no explanation.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:And I don't have to explain.
Speaker 1:It's just because I said so.
Speaker 3:Right, you know what I'm saying. So that to me is hard. And also, on the flip side of that, when you come to me with your grievances to sit there, it does take a lot to sit there and not.
Speaker 1:Get a little defensive. Get defensive or offended.
Speaker 3:Not feel attacked and not want to look at you and say well, since we're on the subject of what people ain't doing.
Speaker 1:Since we're talking about what people don't do around here.
Speaker 3:Let me let my lips off right now.
Speaker 1:Because I didn't know you had something in your back pocket.
Speaker 3:But what I have learned is that when you come to me with your grievances, that really is just a time for me to listen, because you're coming to me because it's gotten to a point and this is how I think about it You're coming to me with your agreements because it's gotten to a point where it's affecting you too negatively and now something must be done right. So in that instance, I try to listen and I try to be mindful of what you're saying and I also try to be mindful of okay, even if I have grievances with her.
Speaker 3:I'm not to that point yet, so this is not the time to bring it up, because a lot of times, for us in particular, what I've noticed is that by fixing your grievances, it's— Somehow fixes yours it fixes mine Right Somehow you get what you need out of it too, so it just it becomes a level of where we just were not communicating effectively enough in the, in the, in the, in the, I guess, on the topic or the situation or whatever the case may be, Because a lot of times, like we said before, our day-to-day is just so hectic and a lot of times we're just passing strangers.
Speaker 1:Well, yeah, because we have a schedule and we have a routine and you get lost in the schedule and you get lost in the routine. And then you look up and you're like okay, well, he hasn't been doing A, b and C. And I've only noticed that because I'm feeling this way, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Like he hasn't made the initiative to schedule a date night, or he hasn't made the initiative to finish the projects that he said he was going to finish, and now it's like that's starting to get to me, so now I have to bring it up to you. Um, I I was curious as to when he said that he thinks it's mainly an issue with millennials and gen z's right.
Speaker 3:Well see, they can tell me I'm a millennial, but I don't I I identify as a boomer okay, you're not a boomer though.
Speaker 1:In a world where you can identify as what you like. You're still not a boomer. I like doing old people stuff, but I think it's really curious that this has been like a thing amongst our generations. Like a thing amongst our generations Like, what do you think has really changed from when our grandparents or our parents were going through marriages and having I can tell you exactly what changed Having 40,? 50 and 60 years worth of marriage. And then now it's just like people saying married a hot, hot two second Okay.
Speaker 3:I shouldn't have Right, you really shouldn't have Um Two second. Okay, I shouldn't have Right, you really shouldn't have. I think what the issue is is that not necessarily us, but I would say the people born around us, like I would say 97, 98 and after right. They were raised in the era of instant gratification, because the internet was in full stream, so everything became the people born in Born, born born right. Because you know, we had. No, we had. We lived before the internet. The internet got introduced to us.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because YouTube started in 2005 and I graduated in 2005, so okay, you ain't gotta age yourself. I don't care, I'm 37.
Speaker 3:I'm proud to be 37. So we were. We were kind of like. We were kind of like raised we were. We were later on in life when the internet got into full screen and the, the myspace and the black planet, and I'm now aging myself.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Then the you know then the Facebook and stuff right. So we were, we were kind of like age, we were, we were kind of like adults and we got and the internet got better, like the internet was a thing for us in high't what it was now. Yeah, we now live in into the day where the kids, like I said, the kids that born in the late 90s, early 2000s, by the time they hit middle school, everything was at the, at the, at their fingertips.
Speaker 1:Yeah that makes sense, and then we were coming into it later. So then now we were being introduced to new ideas and sharing ideas quicker and you started seeing at a faster rate, like I don't have to have a traditional relationship like my parents did or my grandparents did, I don't have to live like this or I don't have to put up with what I think is a stressful relationship and that, and I think that affect everything as a whole, because even like, even like um, think about it.
Speaker 3:Like we grew up where we had to go to blockbuster Hollywood video, right? Like we grew up where we had to go to Blockbuster, hollywood Video or Redbox Gosh To get a movie Right.
Speaker 1:So you, actually you had to leave your home or remember when you can get the see the DVDs from Netflix delivered. That's correct.
Speaker 3:Right, so and then. But now it's a day where it's like, oh, once it's on.
Speaker 1:As long as you have a phone.
Speaker 3:Once it's on streaming, you just click a button, it's there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know.
Speaker 3:So it's like it's a lot of these people nowadays. They've grown up, so like think about like people who were born, excuse me, like people who were born like 2010, 2015. You know what I'm saying? The people who are now like the teenagers. Now right.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And the people born in 2005,. Right, they're so used to everything being instant.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:To where it's like it's in their habits. Right, they don't they? They? They never had to go through school without a calculator in their pocket. You know what I'm saying? They never had to worry.
Speaker 1:What was it that T that T6,000.
Speaker 3:Right. They never had to go to the library and check out research books and actually read.
Speaker 3:You know, read through pages of books to so it's like it's, it's a it's and also it's a day where everyone's connected. So now you can, you can be in Timbuktu and know what's going on in whatever city yeah right, and you can have you know, you know quote-unquote associates or whatever friends online and you communicate, you can communicate with anybody in an instant. So I think that's part of it, and so, and people also don't understand or fail to realize that the internet is not a real place.
Speaker 1:But for them it almost is, because that's the environment that they've grown up in. So I think pretty much what you're saying is it's changed our habits Over time. It's changed our habits and I think where the millennials get caught up in that is like you said. We got onto it a little bit later in life and we started getting into it during our pretty much during our dating years, right? So then, when you started getting all of these dating apps, that started popping up because remember we were, we were in chat rooms, we were doing things like that but now we can scroll because now we can meet people quicker.
Speaker 3:Like you know what I'm saying because before you you pretty much ended up dating someone you either went to school with or someone that was in the same city as you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like most of our friends, everyone either married the person they were dating in high school but now.
Speaker 3:But now you can, you can, you know, you can be in. Well, you can be in la and be dating somebody in culver, yeah, and in high school. Because you guys are connected, because now, whatever the case may be, yeah.
Speaker 3:Or now you've graduated, you go to USC, but you're talking to somebody at LSU and you got. You know what I'm saying. So now it's like the net is so much wider now, right, right, and so they. And then this, all this whole facade online of people thinking that, oh, he's perfect or she's perfect, no one's, no one's perfect.
Speaker 1:Well, that's because they've been able to create a facade Right. So, and then I think it also has a lot to do with people. The Internet has allowed people to share their ideas and share things that they've thought about that they probably didn't think they would get an opportunity to say or say out loud. And I think, when it comes to relationships because everyone has like a platform and you can sit behind your keyboard and you don't necessarily have to be in a room full of people saying your ideas out loud it's easier for you to sit behind the keyboard and make suggestions or say like you don't have to be in a monogamous relationship, or this is a new way of dating, or who wants to be in a relationship? If you're just, if you're not happy, if you're not happy, that's a, that's an easy way to say. You can get out, and there's billions of people on these apps that I can go find and I can be in a new relationship in a hot second.
Speaker 3:But that's one thing that needs to be taught. You're not going to be happy every day, Right, You're not going to be happy and any relationship that's going to last you're going to have. It's going to be ups and downs.
Speaker 1:Well, you have to grow.
Speaker 3:You're going to go through times of turmoil, yeah, and I'm not saying just like things like infidelity. I'm saying like you're literally going to just be developing to different people over time, because you may meet someone and they're for you in that moment Right, but then you evolve into something else and they no longer fit your plan.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:That's a real thing in life.
Speaker 1:That's why I always feel like, before you go on, sorry to cut you off. So now, for me, that makes me question how do you navigate when people are married? And, as we've always said, people are constantly changing right, and I do. I'm a firm believer that people are in your life for a season sometimes. Sometimes, people are only in your life to teach you a lesson, or there for a season.
Speaker 2:But when you're married?
Speaker 1:but when you're, what Goodbye? But when you're married and you're going through that transitional period where you have someone who, at first you're like, oh my gosh, I could spend the rest of my life with this person, like all of the qualities that attracted me to you, I'm just like, yep, this is it. He checks this, he checks this, he checks this, and then, as we're doing life, it's like those core values are still there, but the things that originally drew me in are starting to veer in a different direction. So for you I'm sure you experienced the same thing with me Some of the things that you probably found attractive in me or that drew you in, I've started to kind of steer Goodbye.
Speaker 1:I've started to steer a little bit off that path. So what do you do when you either feel like your partner is growing in a direction that you don't like or that you feel like you can't get on page with? Because it's kind of going back to what he said People would rather divorce than to change themselves.
Speaker 3:I would say that you have to understand that things can be different in the same time. Right, I would say that you have to understand that things can be different in the same time. Right, just because they go down a path, that doesn't necessarily mean that we still can't be together. Right, because now you've taken on a certain interest or whatever that I'm not necessarily interested in. Right, because I also think that it's important for each person to have their thing. Right, Right, right, right, right, because the thing is is like you don't necessarily have to be interested in all of you know your partner's interests, but you have to be attentive when they talk about it.
Speaker 3:Okay, you know what I'm saying. So it's like. It's like, for instance, like you have many things I don't really care about, many Thanks, babe, many right. But I you have many things I don't really care about, many thanks, babe, many right. But I will sit here and listen to you talk about them and I'll see right. But that all but in a long, in a long term relationship.
Speaker 3:That helps, because now that gives us something to converse about yeah because when you've been together for as long as we have, it's like you know my childhood stories, you know all my funny stories. It's like, and you know great things are not happening to me every day, so I can't come home and tell you a great story, you know, because you know my life, for the most part at work, is pretty mundane, so it's like I can't sit here and tell you all this yada, yada, yada, right.
Speaker 1:So it's like, if I have interests, if I have my interests, you have your interests, and then we can talk about each other's colors of interest.
Speaker 3:Now, if you start, to maybe take a path in which I don't necessarily agree with. Agree with because the way it's going to affect the family, or like a personality change, well see what? And again, like that's something you have to address personally, because I don't necessarily think that like a personality change or like a change in habits is necessarily a a bad thing. I would I would more so say like maybe they just got to a point where now they're comfortable doing this like they always had it in them.
Speaker 3:There's right, because I always feel like once you've been with someone for a long period of time, whatever drew you to that person is still there right like a like at its core right yeah, so then it's up to you to weigh, to weigh the options of is this worth me hanging on to Right Right, because me personally, I don't see anything that you could do to make me walk away. Like any like personality change that would make me walk away. I would just chop it up to all. Oh, that's just Kinesha.
Speaker 1:Yeah, or that's just like you evolving as a person, right, because we are always evolving as a person and the things that interest me now, or my thought process on a lot of things, will change as I age, as I get older.
Speaker 3:And again, as long as it's not hindering the household, I will not have a problem with it.
Speaker 1:I think for me. I think what I would say to myself if I see you going through a change that is kind of putting me off a little bit. I would ask myself what is it about his change that is causing me to react this way, right? That is causing me to react this way, right? Is it something where I feel like he's going to be harmful to himself? Or is it something where maybe, I'm being selfish? Yeah, because I don't want the change and I just want to keep him in this little box and I want you to always just be this way because it's what I like. But at the end of the day, your happiness also matters to me.
Speaker 3:You know what I'm saying and that's what I was going to say.
Speaker 1:So I think what it is is like you have to ask yourself, like what is it about my partner that's changing, that is giving me such a discourse with it, right, then you look at yourself and then you kind of work through it that way.
Speaker 3:You also got to be careful too, because don't go out here If your partner is making a change and you make an ultimatum and he chooses that change over you.
Speaker 1:Well, don't do that, I don't. I think people need to be real mindful of ultimatums like ultimatums like you got to be real mindful about that. You know what I'm saying, but yeah, so I think why did you have to talk like that? You got to be real, real, real, real. What was that about, I don't know. But going back to what he said, people will always do, I feel like, subconsciously, because you know how your trainer would always say your brain will always default to what's easiest for you Because your brain does not want to cause you pain, confusion or anything like that.
Speaker 1:not want to cause you pain, confusion or anything like that. So when you get into relationships and things are not going as planned or as you think they should be, your first default is to just be like this isn't for me.
Speaker 1:And I think another thing that people also need to be comfortable in is the monotony of things. I think it's like the boredom part of marriage and relationship that gets people, because every single day is not going to be fun and exciting. When you get into that loop where, like how we were talking about earlier, this schedule, it becomes monotonous, it becomes like it's just a schedule. We become roommates, we have those periods where things are like up and down. Then we get back on the flow and it's like, okay, like don't forget, let's reel this back in. We need our date nights, we need our bubble time, and then we go back into the schedule, the monotony of things, that. So when people are like, but are you happy? I don't have to be, I don't have to be over overall. If you ask me, like, do you like being married overall? Yes, for me, 10 out of 10 would are you?
Speaker 1:happy I am. I am happy overall, but am I happy every single day? I'm not, hell, no, I'm not happy every day is there periods where we go through where we're not on the same page, and it could be that random tuesday or thursday somebody be like are you happy? And I'd be like no, but that don't change the fact that I'm still married people.
Speaker 3:I feel like that changes nothing people often oftentimes they, they can, they confuse happiness with love, because you can be madly deeply in love with someone to be miserable yeah and you have to understand that.
Speaker 3:I think, for me personally, love is what drives me to keep me, you know, founded, yeah, in in the times of unhappiness, because I understand that if I'm unhappy, it's only, it's only going to be for a season, right, it's only going to be for a short period of time, and most of the times when I'm unhappy, it's just because we're just disconnected. We're not, and that's due to the schedule, that's due to the every day.
Speaker 3:Because the like we said a couple of times ago, like people don't, people don't often talk about the shift in the relationship dynamic once the children are involved and how much time you lose with your partner once the children and I think, like I said, I say all the time, children are the problem.
Speaker 1:Goodbye they're not Goodbye.
Speaker 3:You're living your life. You're happy he's all one day.
Speaker 1:You're out there, you're living your life, you're club hopping, then boom.
Speaker 3:You're not even club hopping. You're out there, time with the person of your dreams, the one you love, and everything is great. It's nothing but giggles and smiles and great sex because you got time. And then somebody has the dumb idea let's have a baby, Goodbye. Let's have a baby and that person was you.
Speaker 1:It was me, okay, but you know what that just got me to thinking too. It was me, okay, but you know what that just got me to thinking too. Like before there's kids involved, it's easy to be able to focus on each other right, yes. That portion of life. It's easy for us to have great sex because it's uninterrupted. We're both like head over heels. It's something you look forward to. It's like I don't have to worry about-.
Speaker 3:Can't wait to clock out.
Speaker 1:Right, right, it's something you look forward to. It's like I don't have to worry about going to do this, that and the third, or it's like a date night, or you guys are laying in bed and it's like, oh, let's go out and let's go get something to eat, that's easy.
Speaker 3:Before kids. Every night is date night.
Speaker 1:Okay, but that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:That's easy, but then, as kids are introduced, kids will bring out of you and showcase things in you that you weren't even aware of with yourself. So now you're going into a space where things about yourself are now being exposed. Your habits are being exposed, how you carry yourself is being exposed, your emotional state is being exposed. You could be a person where you thought you had all this under control. You could be a person where you're like I did good in life. I got a great job, I got a great home, I have a great relationship. Me and my husband are on the same page. Everything is good, right, and I kind of feel like that's how things were like with us. Everything was great, like finances were great, we were stable, everything was fine. So then you get like this feeling like the only thing that's missing, that we haven't experienced together is being parents, so like let's do it. Then you interject a baby. Then that's when I feel like.
Speaker 1:I feel like that's when love really has like like love not necessarily gets tested, because when I, when I say like love, I feel like love is also effort. Right, so you went from this.
Speaker 1:You went from this situation where it was effortless. It was effortless. We went to work, we came home, we went out, we did a little bit of traveling. That was effortless because it was just us, right, we didn't have to consider anybody else. It was effortless. Now we have a child and it's like our attentions, our focuses, our energy, our love, like our mental status everything is trying to be poured into a child. Because now we're over consumed with making sure that they're being raised in a good environment, making sure they eat healthy, making sure they're around great kids, making sure they go to a great school, making you know all of these things, and then you start to lose focus of what was effortless for us in the beginning.
Speaker 3:So then you start to feel like, oh, they're not making time for me no, it's fine right, it's, it's.
Speaker 1:We're not making time for each other, and that's where I say, like that's, love is effort. You know what I mean and it's the reason why I can get through the monotony, the monotonous times, or I can get through the times where I'm not as happy, is because I still am willing to put in the effort. And I think when people have moments when they're unhappy in their relationship and unhappy in their marriage, it's going to happen.
Speaker 3:It's going to happen.
Speaker 1:It's going to happen, it's perfect. I feel like it's perfectly normal, but I also do believe that you also have a responsibility to your happiness, because you have a responsibility to your person. You have a responsibility to your child, but you have a responsibility to yourself.
Speaker 3:Even when you're mad.
Speaker 1:Even when you're mad. So if things are not good between us and I'm just not happy, okay, let me break this down. What's really going on? Because my brain is already telling me a story. Your brain's already telling you a story. We're not on the same page. The interactions we're starting to have. You get an attitude. I get an attitude because you got an attitude. I'm snappy because I can have a snappy comeback, and then it just irritates you and then things just keep going right. So then it's like step back. What's going on with me? Okay, I'm not happy, I'm not feeling joy right now. What do I need to do to get myself straight so that my interactions with you could also be better? Because it's not just a matter of you making me happy. If I solely relied on you making me happy, I would.
Speaker 2:I wouldn't be, but that's the thing I wouldn't be happy.
Speaker 3:I can't I, you're human, I can't be the source of your happiness. No, and then still, and then still, carry my emotional load.
Speaker 1:Right, but you're always human.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean. At the end of the day, you are someone I do trust, you are someone I do love dearly, but at the end of the day, you are still human and you will fail me at something, not in just a bad sense, but you will fail me at some point because you are human and because you do have your own human emotions that you are going through. So we also have a duty and responsibility to ourselves and our own happiness. And when I can get myself straight that also puts me in a better headspace to come to you so that I can get us back on a good page or engage you in a way where you can put your defenses down and you can come into the conversation and we can actually talk about it, and then we can start working towards it and making a plan to getting ourselves back on track, because sometimes it feels like a little bit of a roller coaster. You know, because we've had those. We'll have a great, good, vulnerable conversation and then we're like, quote unquote, back in love.
Speaker 1:I never fall in love, and then you know what I mean. And then we go through the stage again where it's the schedule. Every day is the same. Okay, I get your lunch ready, feed you guys breakfast. Get her lunch ready, get her to school. You go to work. I come home, I clean, I run errands, I do the things I got to do for myself. I go pick her up, I take her to practice. You come home, you eat dinner, we don't talk, and then it goes in a loop. And then both of us realize, oh damn, yeah, yeah, I'm married. Let's get back to that, you know. So it's perfectly normal. But I just think that you have to give each other grace, like he said, you have to be able to listen to each other and really take the advice and the feedback that your partner gives you, because you don't experience you. You know what I'm saying, you know how.
Speaker 2:I always say that to you.
Speaker 1:I have always said to him you don't experience you. You know what I'm saying, you know how. I always say that to you. I have always said to him you don't experience you, so you don't know how you can be or how your temper is in certain situations. You don't experience you. You don't walk around with a double you and feeding off of your energy, right? So when I come to you and I'm telling you, hey, the way you reacted, that was a little. Telling you, hey, the way you reacted, that was a little over the top, or the way you reacted came off very angry or something like that, and it's like, no, I wasn't being that way, you don't know, because you weren't on the receiving end of that. So when your partner is coming to you and giving their grievances, it's really important, as hard as it is like you said earlier, it is, it's hard, it is hard.
Speaker 2:It's hard.
Speaker 1:It's one of the hardest things, and especially when it comes to something like either your behavior or your physical appearance. It's hard, but you have to trust and know that if this is a person who loves you and a person who is in love with you and you trust, lean and depend on your love and this person, then what they're telling you can only be coming from a place of concern and love. You know what I mean. Like if this is someone who I have said that I trust you enough to allow you to be the leader in our relationship and that I have made a conscious decision to bear children with you and I have made a conscious decision to entangle myself with you I know you're going to laugh at entanglement, entangle myself with you financially Like I made that decision. I was conscious when I made those decisions to wrap my life and intertwine my life with you.
Speaker 1:So when you come to me and you say, hey, babe, like you really starting to concern me with such and such, or you know you really starting to concern me with you, know, whatever the case is, my first instinct is to be like I know you fucking lying. You know what I mean. But if I have trusted myself so much in your care and I have entrusted you with my feelings. I've entrusted you with my mental, my everything, my child, everything that is. If I've entrusted you with that, why can't I trust that what you're telling me is? It's truthful and it's coming from a place that you care right. You know, even if it's something like physical, you don't like that, that would be hard to hear, but it's like you're still my partner I don't like the way you're telling those Goodbye.
Speaker 3:It would be hard to hear, but it's still. It would help me to hear too, because you're in this relationship too and I want you to benefit from our marriage, just like I want to benefit from our marriage.
Speaker 1:I feel like your partner should be the one person who can check you and you not feel some way. Right, right, right. That should be the one criticism you accept yeah, that sounds good in theory, but this is also. This is also a person, like you know. If I came to you and told you like oh, you, being bald is not attractive to me, that would give me herpes, don't worry, baby what you want a gumby, you want braids.
Speaker 3:If you want dreads, what yous.
Speaker 1:What you want. But that would be a little hard to hear, right? Because now your brain is going to start telling you all different kinds of stuff.
Speaker 3:Your brain is going to start being like you, just kidding me about something I can't control.
Speaker 1:Right, but then your brain is also going to be like so all those times she told me like I look good or whatever, she wasn't really thinking I look.
Speaker 3:Every time that, every time we're intimate now and she rubs my head, I'm thinking she wish she was rubbing hair, like you know it's, it's the truth, but to the point of the video, I do think that I do think that people, instead of doing the work, they just they get out because it's your brain is going to default to what's easiest right, and then, because you're going through a pit or you're going through an extended period of time, because these periods can last.
Speaker 2:Oh. I know, oh yeah, more than seven days. Yes, we know.
Speaker 1:They can. You know what? I am not talking about a menstruation. I can't. These periods of unhappiness or monotony can last, right, or monotony can last right. So you can start feeling as though I can't get off of me. You can start feeling as though like it's never going to end. So this must be the end. Right, this must be the end. I can't, with you, stop. You can start feeling like this must be the end because we haven't been on the same page in months, or we haven't had sex in months.
Speaker 1:Now, listen, that was just that's what I said. Listen, what did I do? Listen, I might give you eight days goodbye, but I just say that to say that it can be normal. It may not be normal for real extended periods of time. You might need to try some intervention type deals, but it can be normal, and don't let something that is intended to be temporary be permanent is all I'm saying.
Speaker 2:Put in the effort.
Speaker 1:If you love someone, love is effort. Put in the effort. If you love someone, love is effort, put in the effort. If you are married, that is a commitment. Okay, love is commitment. Love is effort. Love is grace, love is forgiveness.
Speaker 3:Let me ask you this somebody said that marriage should be like like NBA contracts we should choose really not to renew them after.
Speaker 1:I heard that. I heard that.
Speaker 3:So do you want to? You want to use a player option or?
Speaker 1:Do it? Should I see if I can trade?
Speaker 3:Yeah, see if you got something better out there.
Speaker 1:No, not today, Not, not, not today, not right now. I honestly wouldn't. I feel like for me, I wouldn't know how to date right now, cause I've never cause, I never had to really like outside of you. We dated, obviously.
Speaker 1:But what I'm saying is is like during my dating years, my earlier dating years, like my earlier 20s if we weren't date, if we weren't like married or together and I had to date, I'm sure at some point I would be able to get on board. But I honestly feel like I don't know how to go about dating.
Speaker 3:Look, here I'm going to just tell you this From what I've heard from my single friends.
Speaker 1:it ain't for me, it's the pits.
Speaker 3:I know.
Speaker 1:I know, that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 3:What I've heard.
Speaker 1:Word on the saying what I've heard, word on the street.
Speaker 3:I would just be in the gym word on the street.
Speaker 1:Is we gonna have to tough it out? Word on the street is.
Speaker 3:We don't have to tough it out. If you wanna leave, you can leave. I'm just just so you know, if you leave I'm gonna be by myself okay, you gonna be. I'm gonna be by myself. You ain't got to worry about nobody being Phoenix.
Speaker 1:You ain't got to worry about me.
Speaker 3:What you doing? Me and dad were just eating ice cream watching TV. Bye, bye babe who was over there, just me and dad.
Speaker 1:What is that statistic we heard this morning? It says 60% of married men their wives. They consider their wives to be their best friends. But 30% of women consider their husbands to be their best friends. But 30% of women consider their husbands to be their best friends. And it's because women cultivate and create more relationships than men do. And when men get married. It's just like your wife.
Speaker 3:That's it. It's a common thing. Most men have two to three really good friends that they could call on right really good friends that they could call on. Right, and you know, if you have siblings I have a lot of siblings I could call on but like, yeah, you are my best friend, look here if you tell me my wife knows.
Speaker 1:Okay, Goodbye. If you're telling me my wife knows.
Speaker 3:My wife knows.
Speaker 1:So just know that every secret you tell me my wife no. If you tell me about my wife, no goodbye. If you tell me goodbye, my wife, no, yes. But I like the point is is I just want to say love is effort. I feel like that's what's hanging on with me right now. All right love, love is effort and here's the thing. We don't know what the future holds, right like a loop, goodbye. We don't know what the future holds no one has all the answers.
Speaker 1:I'm not saying that you know you got. You got to do what's right for you. At the end of the day you have. This is your life, is your chance, that's it. So you have to do what you feel in your heart of hearts is best for you to do. And if that is you and your partner having a discussion and saying, hey, like I don't think, I want to put the effort in anymore, then do what you got to do. But if you want to continue to put in the effort, do what you got to do.
Speaker 3:Do what you got to do. Do what you got to do.
Speaker 2:You ain't got to make the voice change.
Speaker 3:You do it most you don't like when I say that what if I talk like this? You'd be single. You wouldn't date me for something like this. No, you sound like you got something in your throat.
Speaker 1:I can't, I can't, oh, I can't, okay, all right, anyway, all right guys. So let's just hop right on into our two cents.
Speaker 3:You be so excited for these.
Speaker 1:Who me so excited, so excited. Okay, let's see if I can read this one, because you know the people write the way they talk.
Speaker 3:And it'd be bad.
Speaker 1:And it'd be tough. You'd be struggling through it, struggle, struggle.
Speaker 3:Struggle read Struggle Okay be struggling through it, struggle, struggle bus.
Speaker 1:Struggle, read Struggle. Okay, but here we go. Am I the asshole for telling my husband that I will divorce him tomorrow because he doesn't clean anymore? Okay, I'm at my wits end. Everything changed after marriage and I couldn't tell you why. Our biggest problem is cleaning. My husband used to clean up after himself, but after marriage he just completely stopped with no warning. We were dating for three years, engaged for one and now freshly married. We're 28 and 29.
Speaker 1:After we got married, my husband stopped cleaning. He wouldn't pick up after himself, he wouldn't do his agreed upon chores and suddenly became a slob. It was like he's been intentionally dirtying things up. I stopped doing all my housework out of the protest a month into our marriage and I now live in complete and utter filth. I'm rarely home due to the mess. I part time live with my sister at this point and he doesn't even care. I come home only to sleep at night and sometimes I don't even come home at all. It's like we aren't even married anymore and it's draining my mental health to the point where I've had multiple breakdowns this month. I'm completely over it. I wanted to get married, but this is not the man I married. I would much rather be home where I belong, but I'm not a maid.
Speaker 1:The mess is as follows Wet floors or wet food in the sink from throwing his plate in there, finished or not. Bugs, garbage litter everywhere, puddles of mystery substances. The trash is never taken out. All his dirty laundry is dirty Clothes, unfolded, crumbs galore takeout everywhere. Since he won't cook dishes piled to the sky. I can guarantee you there's more, but I can't describe it right now. It's like he's a toddler. It's exactly like mommy isn't cleaning up, so he's tornadoing through the house and not caring. Before he would scrape his plate, rinse it and leave it. He would take the trash out and take the cans to the curb. He'd sweep, vacuum and occasionally do laundry and he would never, ever eat in the bed. And now he does all that.
Speaker 1:A few hours ago I told him that if he doesn't clean up tonight then I'm divorcing him tomorrow. I said if I don't see some progress on the house, then we're over. He told me that I'm being an asshole for no reason and that cleaning is no longer his job. I nearly pooped a fucking blood vessel. Excuse me, was it pooped or popped? It's popped. Sorry, I nearly popped a fucking blood vessel. We didn't decide on that. He's telling me that I'm throwing everything away over pride and that all new marriages go through this transition. Bull fucking shit.
Speaker 1:He told his mom she called me not too long ago and told me that I needed to calm down and reconcile. I really love my mother-in-law and she's one of the most level-headed people I know. Hence the reason I'm writing this post. She's making me wonder if divorce is too far, because it's only a mess, but it's mess. She told me that we can reach a compromise, need to take a break and talk about it, but I truthfully don't want to. She reminded me of our good times and that life won't always be this way as it is now, but I'm feeling incredibly skeptical. I cannot stand filth and I can't live like this either, from him. Am I the asshole?
Speaker 3:I'm going to say yes.
Speaker 1:That she's the asshole I'm going to say yes.
Speaker 3:Oh, do tell. I'm only going to say yes, because your problem can be fixed by a service. You just pay a maid service, fix the problem. Now, what took me out is that he said he's married and it's not his job anymore. It's not his job. So it sounds like he had a conversation that you wasn't there for. It sounds like he had a game plan in his head that he never let you in on, that you were not aware of. He said I got a wife now.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's literally what he said. He said I have a wife now and that's not my responsibility, nor am I. I'm not like I don't see what the big deal is. Clean up the mess.
Speaker 3:So I would say that right now you would be an asshole, because it's like you've only been married a month, or a couple. It wasn't that long you guys have been married. Right, I understand you guys have been together four years, but the marriage hasn't been that long. So I would say that maybe have conversations, seek some counseling. Let him get an outside view, because a lot of times men are stubborn and we only see shit when our partner—we only see what our partner means when we hear it from someone who's not our partner. That is a man thing, okay, and there's no, I'm saying, and um, I don't understand why he's so goddamn dirty, but I'm still, especially when he wasn't that way before I'm still.
Speaker 3:What took me out was unknown substance. What, what?
Speaker 1:what, who knows? You know, things just start to mesh together when there's like dirt and mess and all that stuff.
Speaker 3:So to me, clearly, it's a conversation that needs to be had. I don't necessarily believe that divorce should be right away, but if this is something that he's not willing to rectify, in which he should. If he loves you the way he says, he should be able to rectify this problem. But if not, then yeah, I would say didn't divorce him, but to divorce after Divorce him, but to give an ultimatum and a divorce and say, yeah, you're kind of an asshole. You're kind of, because I wouldn't have waited, like I wouldn't have waited a month, a couple months. I would have told him day one hey, what you doing with this, right, right here. So you allowed the behavior to go on so long.
Speaker 3:Well, she's like trying to protest by not cleaning it Right, it didn't help, right, you should have had that conversation.
Speaker 1:Okay. So first I would say real yeah, I agree, hold on.
Speaker 3:Before you start I want people know. Reiterate.
Speaker 1:Reiterate.
Speaker 3:Yes, that word. I don't do that around here.
Speaker 1:Goodbye. You do if I ask you. You do if I ask you.
Speaker 3:I don't have a chore chart.
Speaker 1:You do if I ask you and you take. I noticed that you only take initiative, really Like if you're here with her and you see that something needs to be done'll you'll take initiative if I'm like gone or out or something like that. But you're not. You're not like downright cleaning houses and they're cleaning the house and, uh, sweeping mopping floors. No, you're not doing. You don't do any of that, and that I mean here's the thing, that's, that's fine, because that's you know what we've kind of settled into now. Okay, but but that wasn't our life always, you know.
Speaker 2:Going forward it will be.
Speaker 1:And, just like before, you know when I get back into that working game.
Speaker 3:You're not.
Speaker 1:I am when I get back into that working game. That won't be our life either.
Speaker 3:I'm going to get you fired at every job you go to. Bye.
Speaker 1:That won't be our life either. But anyway, back to our two cents. I agree I would have had to have a conversation. And by him making that statement, because clearly they had a conversation, because he made that statement to her when he made that statement. I would make it very clear. So are you telling me, so that I can understand this you're telling me that now that we are married, you think and feel that all house cleaning and chores is my responsibility? And if his response is yes, my response would be no.
Speaker 1:Or my response would be that's not, that's, I'm not OK with that. So now we need to come up with a game plan on how we're going to make a compromise, because I didn't get married just so that I could be your maid. I don't mind cleaning, and that's the thing I'm sure she doesn't mind Like. Of course, if there's dishes in the sink, she'll stop by. But if you turned out to be a complete slob and you're purposely doing this because you think now you're finally in the situation where you're like I'm excited because I literally can just do whatever the hell I want to around here and she's just going to walk behind me and clean it up, that's not going to happen. So we need to come on the same page and figure out how we're going to fix this, because I'm telling you now, this is not going to be an enjoyable relationship for the both of us. If you think this is what's going to happen, I got the perfect compromise.
Speaker 1:What's the compromise?
Speaker 3:She hires a maid.
Speaker 1:Okay, what if that's not in the budget?
Speaker 3:Listen, listen, listen. Okay, she hires a maid to keep the house clean and he pays all the bills and if he complains about it, then you just start cleaning up after yourself. Yeah, I like that so she uses her check to pay the maid and he paid for it.
Speaker 1:He take care of it yeah, I would definitely take that route too, because if you, if you rebuttal me and say I don't feel like I should have to clean up the house because I'm a married man, then I could say you know what I've already said my piece. You're not willing to come to a compromise. Bet I will take care of it, don't you worry. And when you see the maid coming in, the housekeeper, our male housekeeper, oh okay, our male housekeeper coming in cleaning the house.
Speaker 3:Half naked.
Speaker 1:No. Coming in and cleaning the house, and don't you come to question me how are we paying for this? You mean how you paying for this. I don't know how you paying for this, but you should figure out how you paying for it.
Speaker 3:Well, he said cash or ass, and I don't have no cash on me, so Bye, maurice, memories.
Speaker 1:But yeah, I. But I do think that I do think that it is something that can be discussed and that can be resolved. But the other part of that is he, he like hoodwinked her. Yeah, you know what I mean. Because think about it this way I had an old boss once before.
Speaker 1:Excuse me, I had an old boss once before who her husband was going to annul their marriage because she was not honest about the amount of debt she was in. And so when they got married and he got the gist and the real about how much debt she was in, he presented her with an annulment and he was like absolutely not, Like you did not disclose that to me and they had financial conversations. So I'm not sure what type of conversation around finances were had, but she was married and then was about to be an old because her husband was like no, Naboo.
Speaker 1:Naboo Naboo. You thought you was going to get some coins over here. No, no, no, these are still my coins.
Speaker 3:Mine, mine, mine Mine.
Speaker 1:But think about it in that way right. It's almost like the same idea, it's just that his is with cleaning, yeah, hers was just with money. You can't be out here tricking people like that, and then, when they marry you, you be like oh yeah, guess what I'm?
Speaker 3:a slob and I can't manage money. No, I'm a slob now, I wasn't before.
Speaker 1:Yeah right, I've showed you I'm capable. Right. And if they were living together, she was just like okay, life is going to be like this once we're married. He's not going to change next week, Look here. But this cat got married and changed the following Friday. Sometimes that marriage license change people. And I don't know why. Really, really, you changed Baffles me.
Speaker 3:The next time Befuddles me Okay.
Speaker 1:This isn't an episode of, but yeah, so I would say conversation compromise. If not, I agree with you, babe H, hire a maid and he can deal with the fallout of that, but it needs to be a male maid, not a female. Okay, because we don't want any other problems, because then we don't know how far this behavior of his goes. We don't know. The female may just have the maid there when you at work?
Speaker 1:no, we don't I'm not gonna I'm not gonna make it seem like I cleaned the house for him behind his back. I want him to see that there is another man in your house cleaning it washing your drawers right and seeing your shit stains right. Anywho, this has been another episode of life after I do. If you are not doing so already, you know what you can do, what you need to do.
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