Battle with the Inlaws

Navigating the intricate dance with in-laws can feel like stepping into a minefield, but it's a journey Moe and I are all too familiar with. We recount the early days of apprehensive first meetings, misinterpreted intentions, and the eventual blossoming of respect and affection. In this candid conversation, we don't just scratch the surface; we crack open the complexities of integrating a partner into family celebrations and how the delicate act of balancing parental impressions can leave a lasting mark. 

Transcript

Family Support After a Loss

Speaker 1 0:00

I thought she was just like kind of joking, you know. But then she was getting loud and I was sitting down and she was standing up and I was like, okay, like you coming off a little bit too strong, like you're going to need to pipe down because you're yelling at me, and so she started getting closer to me and then she was just like yelling at me and all I remember from that is just like me standing up and then her like shoving me back down, and then it was just chaos after that. Hey, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Life After I Do. I'm your host, nisha Jean. I'm here with my husband, mo Lethal.

Speaker 2 0:54

Mo Lethal how you been, babe Mo Lethal, how you been. I'm good babe, how you doing.

Speaker 1 1:00

I'm not doing great.

Speaker 2 1:04

How you doing I not doing great, how you doing you I know, uh, I know, I think I have food poisoning well, on top of that, you know, I know yesterday was rough for you yes, yesterday was honestly, it was rough on me too. It was um, it was a lot to deal with yeah, we had a death in the family yesterday.

Speaker 1 1:22

Um, I was actually getting ready for the day to go visit a loved one in the hospital. And as I'm getting ready to go visit a loved one in the hospital, I get a phone call. I get a phone call that another family member passed away. Another family member passed away and I had family at my grandmother's house and cousins at my grandmother's house, and everyone's like you got to get here, you got to get here and I'm like OK, now I have to redirect my focus, you know, because I was already in the mental headspace of going to visit a family member and then to get the unexpected news that an uncle had passed away. Um, rest in peace to my uncle, ralph, I love you. Um, so that was a little. Uh, yesterday was a lot. Yeah, yesterday was just. Yesterday was pretty heavy.

Speaker 1 2:21

Um, but I am grateful that, like I have family you know what I mean Like I am grateful that, like I have family, you know what I mean Like I'm grateful that the family was able to come together Under the circumstances, like and I feel like this happens quite often and it happens, you know, all the time where it seems like one of those things. The only time we get to see each other sometimes is when something like this happens, right. The only time we get to see each other sometimes is when something like this happens Right. But nonetheless, everybody kind of came together and you know we, at the end of the day, we're family. So, yes, yesterday was heavy, but we also went to one of my favorite places. When we're in the city, when we're in LA, I like to go to Louisiana.

Speaker 1 3:05

You like to go to the hood when we're in LA, I like to go to Louisiana, you like to go to the hood Cajun chicken, yes, and get my fish and my chicken. And I got my fish and my chicken yesterday and I have been sick ever since. I have not felt good ever since.

Speaker 2 3:19

I don't think it was the chicken, that was the last thing that I ate, though. Well, I'm fine.

Speaker 1 3:24

And here's the thing I started feeling it last night on the way home and the last thing that I ate was the, the chicken, the chicken and the fish. And as soon as we pulled into the driveway, you know how you start feeling like that. Um, it's almost like that indigestion kind of feeling, where you kind of feel like your food is just sitting on top of your stomach but you can taste, taste it Like it's the taste of the food that you just ate. So it was the food that I ate, because it tasted just like the food the last thing that I ate.

Stomach Issues and Family Dynamics

Speaker 1 3:50

And so when I came home I was like, oh no, like I don't want to have an upset stomach so late at night because you know we weren't going to bed till like a quarter to 10. So we had up in the refrigerator because phoenix just had an upset stomach not too long ago.

Speaker 2 4:12

Are you about to say black people, black people, my people, listen, listen, listen, listen. I knew you were about to say it, I know it listen, listen, listen, listen.

Speaker 1 4:15

I love my people.

Speaker 2 4:16

I know it probably doesn't even do it but seven up sprite and ginger ale is not medicine it's medicine.

Speaker 1 4:22

It does not fix your stomach issues. I think it's so psychologically ingrained that you know how you can tell yourself something and your brain believes it. I think that's how it is now.

Speaker 2 4:34

You might as well have got some castor oil.

Speaker 1 4:36

Well, in any case, you know, and which is crazy, because when you drink, like carbonated drinks and stuff, it neutralizes the stomach acid. So it really I don't think, I really don't think that it does what it's supposed to do. Because you don't want to neutralize your stomach acids right, Because your stomach is already acidic.

Speaker 2 4:54

Well, maybe if it's too acidic and you the carbonation, maybe it brings it out of normal.

Speaker 1 4:58

I don't know. We'll have to ask somebody or Google it. Google it I mean asher ancestors um, but in any there's the ones who got me drinking seven up right, that's what I'm saying but in any case, um, yeah, because phoenix just had like an upset stomach on wednesday so we had some little mini seven ups left um and I gave and you know, she don't drink soda like we don't, we don't like let her drink soda we don't really buy and we don't buy soda like that, but I had bought like the little.

Speaker 1 5:22

That's why I only bought the little mini six pack and I was like she goes. She was like I can drink some soda and I was like it's gonna help with your tummy. So of course she's been trying to ride that out like ever since, like oh, my stomach hurts can I get? Can I get some she? Said she would have said, she said seven oh, she said seven, oh, she said green bottle she.

Speaker 1 5:41

She would have had some pepto biz on messing with me but anyway, I drank the mini seven up before bed and it did. It did alleviate, like the feeling I was having so I was able to at least go to bed and not feel like, oh damn, like I'm gonna get hit with heartburn like a baby um.

Speaker 2 5:56

You usually do um I mean, I haven't driven all day yeah it was, it was, it was.

Speaker 1 6:02

Yeah, cause we drove from. We drove to LA. Look here look here. I wasn't going to what.

Speaker 2 6:07

Don't say we Cause we didn't drive Okay.

Speaker 1 6:12

As a family, we were together. You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 6:14

I really be in my bag of like I'm gonna go ahead and like play.

Speaker 1 6:21

I'm going to be in the backseat, Okay, but I drove like not yesterday, not yesterday, but I'm talking about remember when you went on this whole kick of like when I'm home, I don't want to drive, did I or did I not drive?

Speaker 2 6:35

And then you quickly got tired of it.

Speaker 1 6:36

No, that's not what happened. I didn't get tired of it. We went to go somewhere one day and you were on your I need to be a gentleman kick and you were like okay, let me open the door for my family and I'm not gonna turn it down. And you got in the driver's seat. Did you want me to say like oh, no, babe. Like yeah, you said you wanted me to drive, like yes, I want you to take initiative.

Speaker 2 6:54

You, you knew that I need you to take initiative okay that's exactly what anytime.

Speaker 1 6:59

I take initiative and I'll be like, babe, I'll drive you like it's all right, babe, I got it. I got it. Okay, babe, I'll drive. You'll be like it's all right, babe, I got it. I got it. Okay, you just said it.

Speaker 2 7:06

I'm not doing this, but you're supposed to fight me for it. I'm not going to fight you.

Speaker 1 7:08

I'm not going to fight you to drive.

Speaker 2 7:09

That's what I need. I'm not going to fight you to drive.

Speaker 1 7:18

It's not going to happen it if you want me to take the control, you wouldn't put up a resistance. That's not that you just like you. You're saying take control, but why? Would you put up a resistance.

Speaker 2 7:30

Hold up what king just willingly gives up the throne.

Speaker 1 7:33

The one who doesn't want to take his responsibilities, nah, the one who says I'm tired of carrying the throne and don't mind somebody else taking over. They won't put up a resistance.

Speaker 2 7:42

Nah, if you're taking over, they won't put up a resistance. No, I got to protect my kingdom at all costs.

Speaker 1 7:44

So then, protect your kingdom and don't complain about it.

Speaker 2 7:47

I'm not complaining.

Speaker 1 7:49

I can't with you Anywho. So, yeah, so I've been kind of like feeling not the best since last night and I had to work this morning too. I had a makeup to do this morning and let me tell you it was the most uncomfortable makeup to do this morning. And let me tell you it was the most uncomfortable, like my stomach hurting and just feeling weak and trying to like engage and and luckily it was one of my, my regulars, and I love her. She's like I love her, absolutely love her. She's she's an amazing woman, um.

Speaker 1 8:22

So I'm like that's what made, that's what made it easier, because it's always like I'm hanging out with my sister when her and I get together.

Speaker 2 8:29

Oh, exactly, so I knew it what you be over there chatting, Kathy.

Speaker 1 8:34

Oh, absolutely, that's my sis, absolutely. Oh, are you talking about why it take us so long?

Speaker 2 8:40

Seven hour makeup job.

Speaker 1 8:42

Because we just be talking.

Speaker 2 8:43

Y'all hanging out, we just be talking.

Speaker 1 8:44

y'all hanging out, we just be talking like I had went to Starbucks this morning. She went to Crumble, she got cookies, like everything we just be.

Speaker 2 8:51

I know damn well, adrienne didn't eat no damn cookies she did well.

Speaker 1 8:55

She ate like a half of one, but yeah, and she got one for fee.

Speaker 2 8:59

I still don't believe it yeah.

Speaker 1 9:00

So you know, it's a really good time when I'm with her, with one of my regulars. So shout out to Adrienne I love you girl. But other than that, and other than you know, the day that I had yesterday, the week wasn't so bad. I mean, aside from Phoenix coming home from school and saying that she had an upset stomach, and it always freaks me out, you know how I am Maybe that's what it is, what, maybe?

Speaker 2 9:23

whatever she has you got, that means I got it next.

Speaker 1 9:26

But she didn't have like. Well, I don't know if she did have anything. Whatever it was, it was only 24 hours. So I pick her up from school. I'm going to be at work letting it out. I pick her up from school and she just kind your stomach angry, and so I always try to like, put it to the test and she goes um, mom can I have some ice cream?

Speaker 2 9:49

You gotta test everybody.

Speaker 1 9:51

And I was. I was like I said, yeah, you want some ice cream? She was like, yeah, so I, we stopped by the back seat and she took the smallest bite of the ice cream and then just sat it in the cup holder and leaned over, like her head on her hand, and I looked at her and I was like, yeah, she don't feel good, because whenever she like turns down like things like that, you know she don't feel good. And so she came home and she was like mom, can you just tuck me in? And I was like yeah, I'll tuck you in, because she had practice in like the next few hours. So I was like just go ahead and take your your nap before practice.

Speaker 1 10:26

She takes her nap. It's like 10, it's like 20 minutes. She wakes up 20 minutes before it's time to get dressed and she goes upstairs. She gets dressed. No, this was before she got dressed. She gets up and she was looking at me and you know she gives you like that stare and I was like what's wrong. And she was like what's wrong and she was like my stomach hurts. And I was like, okay, next thing, you know she jets up off the couch and goes straight to the bathroom and you just hear everything in the background and I was like, oh my gosh. So then I come into the bathroom and I was like what's going on? And she does that like and sitting on the toilet, she just lets it all out, just vomits everywhere, vomits everywhere.

Speaker 1 11:04

Just vomits everywhere and me me being mom and trying to get to the trash can as soon as I could couldn't make it to the trash can, so I was just like just let it out and I will get it, Because at first I caught it with my hands and then that wasn't working. But when I throw up, I'm not catching your vomit with my hands. And then that wasn't working. But when I throw up, I'm not catching your vomit with my hands.

Speaker 2 11:27

You want me to get me a trash. Can you be like, clean it up?

Speaker 1 11:29

Really, that is not true. When you are sick, first of all, when you're sick, it's worse. You could have the slightest, the smallest cold and you think it's just like, oh my gosh, like babe, I can't, I just can't function.

Speaker 2 11:44

As someone who doesn't get sick often.

Speaker 1 11:47

Right.

Speaker 2 11:49

And that's why it worries me when you guys get sick, when I get sick, it's like World War III. Because it's bad, because if this virus was strong enough to attack my immune system, it's got to be the real deal.

Speaker 1 12:00

Bye, maurice. It's got to be the real deal. It came with soldiers, hey. No, babe, hey. But that's why I'm always on such high alert when they don't feel good, because, like you know, I don't even have a piece of wood. But we don't get sick regularly. Oh yeah, dude's right in front of me, we don't get sick regularly, thank God, to do this right in front of me. We don't get sick regularly, thank god. Um, and so, like when somebody doesn't feel good in the house, I'm always, like, on high alert.

Speaker 1 12:29

and when it's me who don't feel good, I'm I, you know me. I start going through the steps of like my day the day before, because in my mind I picked it up somewhere and now I'm trying to figure out where the hell I could have picked up whatever it is that's causing me to have a sore throat or anything. And it could be. It could be, you know, be like damn. I went to the grocery store yesterday and I didn't wipe down the damn basket that old lady coughed.

Speaker 1 12:50

That old lady coughed behind me standing in line and I knew it. Her damn particles got on the back of my neck, like that's how my brain works, and he thinks I'm so ridiculous. He always be like babe, seriously, it is not that damn serious.

Speaker 2 13:06

Kynesha Babe. You remember when you called me at work, what? And you was like babe, this damn lady, she's in Stater Brothers coughing, coughing, no mask, and I think I walked right through it. Listen, I did. You was like my throat felt a little weird, I can listen. I did.

Speaker 1 13:22

You was like you was like my my throat Instantly because her saliva particles were still left in the air. I listen the way my brain be working Like I'm telling you all for that.

Speaker 1 13:40

The way my brain be working, like you saw how it was with Phoenix yesterday when we had stopped by the gas station to get the candy. I was like seriously dude, cause she had a the candy. I was like seriously dude Because she had a straw. And I was like Phoenix, please, mommy's brain cannot take it. Please do not touch that straw and then put it in your mouth.

Speaker 2 13:52

No, no.

Speaker 1 13:53

My issue with her yesterday. I can't Touching the ground because she wants to flip everywhere and I'm like, baby, you're flipping, You're like your knee is on the ground.

Speaker 2 14:02

Let me tell y'all this. Let me tell you this Our kid, our child, is a suburban child. Okay, okay, she don't know hood black people at all.

Speaker 1 14:15

Like seeing a Hold on. I have to say it, don't say it. I have to, don't say it, I have to.

Speaker 2 14:20

So when we're down and we're visiting the family and we I mean we in the hood we ain't in nice areas, right, she be out there thinking she's safe like she at home. My child literally just took off running in the middle of the street. I said, ma'am.

Speaker 1 14:32

You cannot do that. This is not a cul-de-sac.

Speaker 2 14:35

This is not home.

Speaker 1 14:35

People run this stop sign. They have been running this stop sign since I was your age.

Speaker 2 14:39

You cannot be out here thinking that you back home in the suburbs.

Speaker 1 14:44

Yeah, but that's how she be behaving Like okay, like it's a street, like mom says it's fine, baby. No, you live in a cul-de-sac, it's different. We got signs out there that say children at play.

Speaker 2 14:55

There's no signs out here. My child has no sense of danger.

Speaker 1 14:58

And I don't know thing or a bad thing.

Speaker 2 15:00

It's a bad thing.

Speaker 1 15:01

I feel like it's a good thing in the sense that it's a bad thing that you know, maybe we've created an environment for her.

Speaker 2 15:06

It's a bad thing.

Speaker 1 15:06

But then again it's just like I don't need her to be out in the world to be oblivious.

Speaker 2 15:10

She can't identify the threat.

Speaker 1 15:12

Well, no, because we've you heard her yesterday.

Speaker 2 15:15

I'm practicing stranger danger.

In-Law Relationship Dynamics and Boundaries

Speaker 1 15:17

Yes, we've been trying to practice, because I'd be looking at her like, okay, I think the angle that I need to take with her are the people who may not look like dangerous you know what I'm saying Like friends, parents and things like that. Because we were at gym one day this was probably like a year ago and she had went and got in the car with her friend and I said, phoenix, that is an absolute no. Like she was like, oh, we were just sitting in the car and I was like Phoenix, you cannot get in other people's cars without me knowing, because me and the mom were just standing there talking and she was parked behind. I was staring at her, so the car was behind her and the car door was open and the girls would usually run up and down the thing and then we got lost in conversation.

Speaker 1 16:03

Lost in the sauce and the girls ended up in the car. They were just like looking at the iPad and stuff and I was just like okay, yeah, but no.

Speaker 2 16:11

Like you can't just get in people's cars. Side note, so what I've noticed from afar. I don't really go into these practices, but these gym moms and these dance moms, they just like high school cliques Thick Some of them. They got their circles and these moms don't like these moms. These moms are trash and this mom is like.

Speaker 1 16:35

I can only imagine what it's like with the cheer moms.

Speaker 2 16:38

Because I've heard some things with the cheer moms.

Speaker 1 16:41

But I mean, it's just like a different environment. You know what I've come to the conclusion. It's just one being a woman well, no, not only that, because I think back to when I was like a high school athlete and the conversations I used to hear you think back that far when do you spend?

Speaker 1 17:03

I really don't feel good enough when the years spent to um get hostile because, like, part of me wants to be hostile, but then the other half is like no, just you know, I don't have the energy but anyway he's a good man. Good man, Savannah.

Speaker 1 17:19

He's a good man, savannah, but anyway, yeah, like how my mom and them used to talk about us, I mean, but they would talk about us in front of our face, like they didn't really care, and it was almost kind of like you know, well, my daughter put up these numbers today and you know she got these many assists and it's always like I don't want to say a competition, it's not a comp. Well, I don't know, it might have been with them, but it's just like one of those things when it's a competitive space, especially for your children.

Speaker 1 17:48

I just think that everyone wants to make sure that their child has a chance, like their child. You know they want to make sure that their child is seen too. Okay, right, I'm not going to hurt you. Okay, I, you know they want to make sure that their child is seen too. Okay, right, I'm not going to hurt you. Okay, I mean, think about it this way. Think about it this way because you've done it before. You see her side by side with another athlete right, oh yeah, I can bear all the time.

Speaker 1 18:08

Right, you're looking at them skill-wise. Yes, now let's say there's like a solo or something right and who you can clearly see has more skill than the other child.

Speaker 2 18:19

In my mind what are you going to do? You're just going to let that go.

Speaker 1 18:22

I'm going to say something.

Speaker 2 18:25

You're going to say something, because that's exactly what the moms do In my mind. I also realize either her mom paid somebody a little extra or she did a little something strange.

Speaker 1 18:32

That's not. That's not, that's what they be doing, maurice. You really think, well, okay. Maurice, you really think, well, okay, I can't say I was just about to say you really think moms is out here sleeping with coaches.

Speaker 2 18:44

Yep.

Speaker 1 18:44

But then I just remember the conversation that I had with another mom about because her daughter does dance and her son does soccer, and she was telling me about one of the moms who was sleeping with a soccer coach and it's friends with him and his wife and I bet you her kid got all the plans Right. And I was like dang, yeah, yeah, it does happen, you're right. Oh, I know. Yeah, it does happen. The power of a vagina is strong. Okay, we're not going to.

Speaker 2 19:13

Especially good vagina, right? I mean, it kept me for 20 plus years. Oh, what we got today, babe. What we got today babe, I can't win with you If I sit here and listen. I'm not interacting enough and you be like when I start talking, you be like you off the wheel. I can't win with you.

Speaker 1 19:38

No, I love you for who you are.

Speaker 2 19:40

You're amazing.

Speaker 1 19:40

I'm just here to be quiet, no, no, you're amazing and I love you this is the only woman on planet to get mad when you get quiet. No, I don't get mad when you get quiet. I just love you and I think you're amazing okay, keep telling yourself.

Speaker 2 19:51

That's what she tell her, so she don't cut me and cuss me out what we got today babe um, okay.

Speaker 1 19:56

So, like we said before, I had a rough day yesterday and your mom called me today and she calls me quite often. Your mom and I talk quite often over the phone.

Speaker 2 20:09

That's not how I ever talked to her.

Speaker 1 20:11

And it's great that she said that that's good for us, because there was a time where your mother and I didn't get along Right, where your mother and I didn't get along Right. So her calling me today just to like check on me and to see if I need anything really got me to thinking about the challenges.

Speaker 2 20:26

You should have told her to Hold on, hold on. She asked you if you needed anything.

Speaker 1 20:30

Yeah, she always does.

Speaker 2 20:31

And you didn't tell her that you needed to come out here and cook some food.

Speaker 1 20:35

Bye. But it just got me to thinking about, like especially earlier in our relationship, the dynamic between like in-laws and like what do you do when you don't get along with your in-laws right, or your parents don't like your spouse, and how difficult that can be sometimes and the position that it could put you in and how that really can impact like your relationship Right. So, yeah, it just got me thinking, like I was like wow, like our relationship has grown so much.

Speaker 2 21:08

But I feel like over the past decade, I feel like your relationship with my mom took a turn when I put my foot down and I explained to her the position yes, that you wasn't going anywhere. Yeah, it got better then. And then when you got pregnant, then she was like oh, I want to see my granddaughter.

Speaker 1 21:23

And she has said but she has said that.

Speaker 1 21:25

So you know, I think it's.

Speaker 1 21:27

I don't think it's abnormal because, especially now me being a parent when Phoenix gets to the age where she's going to be dating or have interest in people or things start getting serious, like have interest in people or things start getting serious, like I feel as though it's going to be natural for me to have an opinion about the person that she dates.

Speaker 1 21:45

But it's also really important for me not to put her in a position where she feels like she has to choose. And I think, with your mom, what I really loved is that she came to that conclusion. You know what I mean. Like she has told me that many times, because you're not the only one of her children who had that conversation with her, you know. Like your sister had that conversation with her. Like she basically told me one day she was like I had to realize that it's not my decision who you guys choose as spouses and to trust that you guys have chosen the best spouse for yourself and over the years, like she says, I love each and every one of the men and women that my children chose to marry.

Speaker 2 22:24

I mean, let's be honest, she didn't make good choices. I mean, she can't judge her.

Speaker 1 22:28

Bye, but and like, and going back to what you said, when you, you know, you had to have that conversation with her about basically setting the boundary and the ground rule, and that was before we were married. So it wasn't even something like where you're trying to defend me as your wife. We were not even married at the time and you still had to have that conversation with your mom, you know. But, like she has said in her own words, she came to the realization that, basically, you guys didn't need to be parented anymore, you know, and that if she wanted to be a part of your lives and if she wanted to be a part of her grandchildren's lives, she was gonna need to let go of some things. You know, and, um, I remember so history, little history he, his mom, and I, like I tried my hardest to be like the nice hardest I did, I did like, even when I met your grandparents.

Speaker 1 23:22

I was like so nervous to meet your grandparents because I was like I was like what are they gonna think of me? And then I remember you telling me your grandmother didn't like when girls wore pants. Yeah, she didn't, and I was just like look here. I only have so many skirts like I can wear a skirt.

Speaker 2 23:35

Look, look here.

Speaker 1 23:36

I'm going to be in the same skirt every time.

Speaker 2 23:38

I meet this woman. Look here, baby Ruth.

Speaker 1 23:41

She didn't play.

Speaker 2 23:42

Baby Ruth was sanctified.

Speaker 1 23:44

And it had to be the long skirt. Like it wasn't, like, no, it had to be below the knees.

Speaker 2 23:48

Don't be showing too much or cover the ankles. Don't be showing too much shin.

Speaker 1 23:51

Yeah, yes, yes. And it's so funny because the memory that just came came back to me was when Lottie used to wear those long denim skirts that came to like the middle of her shin, and with tennis shoes and and, and. So when I first met his grandmother I was just like, oh my gosh. And he, he had told me he was like, my grandmother doesn't believe like women should be wearing pants, like just so, you know, she does not like when girls wear pants. And I was like, okay, what the hell am I supposed to do with that information?

Speaker 2 24:18

I just told you. I was just trying to let you know that there may be a comment about these pants. She don't like them, but I love the way you look in them.

Speaker 1 24:27

So I remember having to go to my closet and find this jean skirt and I was like, okay, I guess I'm going to just wear my jean skirt with my little thick socks and my tennis shoes.

Speaker 2 24:39

And make sure that your cleavage is covered. Yeah, I had to make sure my shirt most of your arm was covered yeah, I wore a three-quarter length shirt and made sure I didn't have nothing yeah, I said, oh my goodness.

Meeting Mom

Speaker 1 24:51

So like that was already nerve-wracking, and so I was already in the position of, like, trying to impress your grandparents. I didn't want to come off too fast, I didn't want to come out you fast, I didn't want to come off. You know what I mean. And so then when I met your mom, it was kind of like the same thing, like I think I relaxed a little bit more but I wanted to just be kind of like, I wanted to impress her, but I just wanted to be like cool and relaxed and laid back. You know, and I remember the first time I had met her, she gave she was like hi, like she told me was like hi, like she told me hi.

Speaker 1 25:25

But when she told me hi, she kind of like looked at me up and down and I remember I think, oh, it was when we had went to the park, remember she was I forgot where she was living, but we drove your grandfather's truck down there and that's when I wore the pink jacket with the pink shirt and my belly was hanging out and I had the hip hugger jeans on with the pink bandana, and I took a picture with your sister.

Speaker 1 25:38

Remember that, we have the picture of it with me and lati no, I'm just picturing the outfit, yeah so and I remember because, um, we had went to the park, it was like during the summer and stuff, so I was like it should be fine, like my whole stomach wasn't out, but my stomach was cute and I don't know just like that like it was cute. But I just remember, like when I was meeting her and she looked at me and she gave me this look like like who the hell do you think you are like you?

Speaker 2 26:02

know, and I thought I was cute that day.

Speaker 1 26:04

You should say I'm her bye, and so our relationship kind of was like that the whole time and it came to a boiling point one day where we were all at her house it was me, you, your sister years later this was, yeah, years later, because we didn't have to have a lot of interaction together because we lived in the desert and she lived down the hill, so it wasn't too much interaction.

Speaker 1 26:26

It wasn't until we became adults and when we moved out on our own and then she ended up moving around the corner from us, Like she was like like what, five minutes away from us, she ended up moving around the corner. So we started having a lot more interaction and so it came to a boiling point one day where everybody was at her house. She had all the kids over. It was you and your siblings, me. We were all having a good time and you know she had been drinking and you know the whole nine. Everybody was having a good time, though we were in the living room and I remember it was something to the effect of like me saying you could do it yourself, or something like that.

Speaker 1 27:06

I think it was something you asked me to get you or something like that, and I was just like uh-huh, like get it yourself or something, and your mom didn't like it. She didn't like it and she was just like why should he have to get it himself and like all this other stuff? So I thought she was just like kind of joking, you know. But then she was getting loud and I was sitting down and she was standing up and I was like, okay, like you coming off a little bit too strong, Like you're going to need to bite down because you're yelling at me, and so she started getting closer to me and then she was just like yelling at me and all I remember from that is just like me standing up and then her like shoving me back down, and then it was just chaos after that, and I had to get in between you.

Speaker 1 27:47

And you had to get in between us and it was really chaos.

Speaker 2 27:49

And I had to take you home.

Speaker 1 27:51

And she. I remember her yelling about how you shouldn't bring me back over there, and she kept her. Her number one slogan was that I was a gold digger, and she kept her number one slogan was that I was a gold digger.

Speaker 2 28:01

Like she was convinced. I mean, you're a stay-at-home mom. Was she wrong she?

Speaker 1 28:04

was convinced.

Speaker 2 28:05

You stay-at-home mom. Goodbye, was she wrong?

Speaker 1 28:07

She was convinced that I was with Maurice for what he had and I kept telling her your son doesn't have crap. I was like why you got to hurt my feelings though. I was why you gotta hurt my feelings, though I was, because she kept every time. She would always be like she would always be like you, she just with you for what you can do for her, like what he can do for me. Are you kidding me? Like we're quite literally living off student grants? Like what do you mean? What?

Speaker 2 28:32

he can do for me.

Speaker 1 28:32

First of all, I had a job okay, you had a job, but we still had grants.

Speaker 2 28:36

Like I was like what he can do for me, but why you gotta hurt my feelings.

Speaker 1 28:39

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, baby.

Speaker 2 28:41

I'm just saying your.

Speaker 1 28:42

Your mom tried to make it seem like you just came, you go from straight from straight money you go dig and so, um, then she had hit me with. She hit me with, um, you're just with him for the like, your potential, like she's saying that, okay, yeah, I may not be with you for what you have now, but I'm with you for the possibility of what you're going to become. And so to me, and I was like, okay, and that makes quite a bit of sense.

Speaker 2 29:10

Like why would I be with?

Speaker 1 29:11

somebody who didn't look like they was having any direction in life.

Speaker 2 29:13

You know, at that point I was, you know I was going to school, you were going to school.

Speaker 1 29:18

Like you were doing really great, like you were on the career path.

Speaker 2 29:21

That was before my life got flipped upside down. And so, when she had said that I like to take a minute and just sit right there.

Speaker 1 29:26

When she said that I was like you sound asinine. Because that's yes. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't look like they're pursuing anything in life, like that doesn't make sense, and we didn't talk. I remember you got in between us, you were yelling at your mom and then your mom got upset because you were defending me.

Speaker 2 29:45

My mom got upset, my sisters got upset your sisters got upset.

Speaker 1 29:49

Everybody was so upset and I'm sitting there in the car fuming, crying. You're sitting there yelling and trying to defend me and your mom is going back and forth, your sister is holding her back. It was just like it was very chaotic. It was very traumatizing I mean?

Speaker 2 30:04

I mean, you need to give me credit.

Speaker 1 30:05

I've always had your back, oh absolutely we can't say the same okay, don't don't go there anyway. Um, so, yeah, so then that happened, and then, um, so we didn't speak. For what was it? A few months I don't know.

Speaker 2 30:19

I mean, I still went around, okay, yeah, it was a few months.

Speaker 1 30:20

I don't know. I mean, I still went around, okay, yeah, it was like a few months. And then I remember sitting in the car and she called you one day and you added on speaker and she was saying how much she loved you and how she apologized and she felt like she was wrong and she was trying to explain to you how she, like, was feeling. Basically, you know, and now that I'm a mother, like I can totally understand that and I feel as though if I had a son, I could understand that, like that need to kind of want to hold on to your son like as long as possible and like when there's a new woman in his life, it's kind of like you're being pushed to the side. Like I feel like I would understand that if I was a boy mom.

Navigating Family Dynamics and Relationships

Speaker 2 31:02

I get it now because, like I heard like this thing that said it was like like the difference between boys and girls is like when your son goes off and gets married and have kids, you understand that those kids are going to be with the mom's side of the family. I guess, like it's just like the default that you spend most time with the mother's side of the family. It's just like the default that you spend most time with the mother side of the family. I was like, well, that is kind of true, but for us it's because we ain't really got many options, but that's the only reason why we do it. Bye, but I can see for that. But I came around all the time, yeah, because that's when they were all still living in California. So we hung out, I saw them quite a bit and then, you know, everybody started leaving.

Speaker 1 31:42

Everybody got the hell out of Dodge, but as a parent now, I can only imagine what I'm going to go through.

Speaker 2 31:52

We Gucci Because she's going to hang out with us. Our kind of family.

Speaker 1 31:56

We Gucci? Oh, because when she gets married, well I mean, but you say that now, but you don't know what type of man that she might marry he's going to be a good one, because I'm going to beat his ass into one goodbye, deville. I'll do the time but I feel like I could understand that. But anywho, she was basically pouring her heart out and trying to have a real honest conversation I don't remember none of this.

Speaker 1 32:22

I remember we were in the car, we were in the Cavalier. God, women don't forget nothing. I remember it like it was yesterday and she had apologized to you. She told you how much she loved you and you were telling her you're going to have to respect my decisions and I love her and she's not going anywhere anytime soon and if you want to be a part of my life, then you're gonna have to accept her because she's a part of my life. And she was like oh no, absolutely, I completely agree, and, if I'm being honest, like I think she's a really good girl.

Speaker 1 32:50

You know, I was just trying to get over some things myself you bet, like that's what she was saying, and so then, um, she had asked if I was around and I was like I'm here, and she had apologized to me and told me like how sorry she was and you know what that was, where that was coming from, and things like that. And when I tell you like I love my mother-in-law.

Speaker 2 33:13

I kind of like in hindsight, I kind of feel like my sister had to talk with her you do I feel like. I mean, she might have, but I mean your mom and I have talked about that in our beginnings. I feel like my face says something probably we've we've talked about.

Speaker 1 33:26

We've talked about it before, like when she had came down. You know, when she makes her annual trip and she always tells me she always tells me she'd be like nisha, I did not like you, like we. We literally laugh and joke about it now and she would be like oh, I didn't like you. She was like I couldn't stand you and I was like and I know, like I know, and she's like now, I wouldn't trade you for any, I wouldn't trade you for anybody I mean, I got some people on the list.

Navigating Family Dynamics and in-Laws

Speaker 1 33:53

I trade you for okay, okay, but anyway, I I just it's my experience of that and having to navigate that was a little difficult because for me what was the most difficult part, the most difficult part for me was watching you have that conversation with your mom, because I felt as though and you know this is me just projecting but I felt as though that you felt that you were being put in the middle, like you wanted to have a relationship with your mom because at that point, like your mom's life was like on an upswing, she was getting herself together, you were trying to build that relationship with your mom and then this happened. So I feel like that kind of put you a little bit in the middle.

Speaker 2 34:36

No, no, I mean it, it in the middle. No, I mean it didn't. I mean it did put me in the middle, but I didn't feel. No type of way. I think as men we compartmentalize like it's my mother. I'm still in a relationship with her. Yeah, it's just gonna it was changed. It's just gonna change how I move. Like I just like I wouldn't bring you around, I just like, hey, I'm going to my mom, I'll see you about later right, but see, it's like.

Speaker 1 34:53

that's the part for me when I would be at home would be like it shouldn't be like this, like you shouldn't have to be like, oh yeah, I'm hanging out with my mom on Saturday, as opposed to just like, hey, you want to do lunch with my mom on Saturday? You know what I mean.

Speaker 2 35:06

Somebody had a show up and be there in Domino's.

Speaker 1 35:09

So I can't with you, but anywho, navigating that could be a little difficult, because you want to be able to get along with your in-laws Do you.

Speaker 2 35:21

Yeah, you do, because it's family, I will say this. I will say this it's family, I will say this. I feel like my relationship with your dad early on was very hostile.

Speaker 1 35:32

Yeah, I don't think my dad liked you.

Speaker 2 35:33

He didn't like me at all Like to flip the script.

Speaker 1 35:35

It was the other way. For me it was my dad, because for the longest time this is why my dad did not like Maurice okay, I stole her. He had this idea that Maurice basically had me moving out in the middle of the night, and I don't know where he got that impression, but that was his impression.

Speaker 2 35:56

So when I had he the night and I don't know where he got that impression, but that was his impression.

Speaker 1 35:58

so when I graduated five and I took risk right. So what happened was is prom night. Um, it was first. It was prom night, because I think I stayed the night at your house prom, was it prom night? Yes, I stayed the night. I went home with you prom night and, um, then graduation came. My dad I think what he was doing was confuting the two memories and like merged it into one. So prom night I went home and I stayed the night with Maurice. Like you know, my mom let me stay the night and he lived down the hill. So graduation obviously was shortly thereafter and I graduated on a Thursday and I moved out Tuesday morning.

Speaker 1 36:38

Ok, because we had been talking about like we had this whole conversation a whole year prior, when I was a junior in high school and we had the conversation with my mom about what our plans were. We wanted to live together. I told my mom like I wanted to move out, like I was going to be going to school. Like we know, it wasn't, like I was just like, oh, I'm 18 and I'm out of here. This was a whole making in the year, you know, and my dad was not a part of any of those types of conversations, right, and my dad didn't live with us. Like I haven't had my dad in the home since I was probably Phoenix's age, so about six or seven. So it's not like at the time my dad and I were really close and it's not like he really knew or what was going on in my life. Like he didn't know about, like the ins and outs of me dating and how long I had been with Maurice or what type of boy.

Speaker 1 37:24

Maurice was None of that Right and he had only met Maurice maybe twice. He had only met you like twice. So when prom night happened and I went and I stayed the night with you, then, like that following month when I graduated high school, I graduated on that Thursday and then I moved out, that following Tuesday morning, I think what happened is is he put those two events together and was like, yeah, you moved out like prom night, and I was like I did not, though, like Maurice lived completely down the hill. There was no way I would have been able to get to school, so I did not.

Relationships Evolve Over Time

Speaker 1 38:02

But anywho, he thought it was like a level of disrespect that you didn't talk to him about it, like so he thought I don't know where he was right, that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying like it's not like he was really around, like that, you know. So he just felt some type of way and thought it was like really disrespectful. And I told my mom like how could, how could my mom let me just move out with, with this nigga? That's what he said. How could my mom just let me move out with this nigga, and and um, and he was just like really feeling some type of way about it. So for the longest time, even when he was engaged with Maurice, it was kind of like just being polite, it was like passive, aggressive behavior, wouldn't you say? It didn't bother me at all. I know it didn't bother you, but it was definitely a little bit of passive aggressive behavior In the back of my mind.

Speaker 2 38:53

if he ever got out of the pocket, I was going to say I'm sticking it to your daughter every night.

Speaker 1 38:56

Bye, maurice DeMille, I was going to win the argument, no matter what. No matter what I was going to win, but as time progressed, double-cheeked up on a Tuesday, I think what really helped the relationships between our in-laws it's time. What's me, it was time, it was me, it was time, it was me, it was time. It's almost like our relationship for them had to mature from like this puppy love thing to like a full.

Speaker 2 39:31

Because at a certain point a relationship At a certain time they were like, well damn, they've been together 10, 12 years, right, I guess they, right, I guess they serious about it, you know.

Speaker 1 39:39

And then, when we got married, it was like oh okay, well, like we've just been waiting for that when we got married, everybody's like about time right.

Speaker 1 39:46

Everybody was like, uh, okay, so I mean we've kind of waited long enough, but I think that's what it was. It's like we had been together what three years three years before, like high school, because we were 10, 11, 12. So three years, right, and it's like OK, you know, like she had a boyfriend during high school. Ok, that's like puppy love. Ok, now she thinks she want to move out because, you know, she thinks she grown, whatever, and you know, I remember that conversation with my mom.

Speaker 1 40:12

She was like you can come back home anytime you want If things don't work out.

Speaker 2 40:16

She didn't mean that, Sharon.

Speaker 1 40:18

Right.

Speaker 2 40:19

She didn't mean that at all.

Speaker 1 40:20

If your parents tell you you can come back home, give it a year, try to come back home after a year. I mean, they're going to probably let you back in, but they're going to be like so what happened?

Speaker 2 40:33

Because I'm using your room.

Speaker 1 40:34

We took a little bit off we just took a little bit off for the kitchen. You be like where? Uh, what happened to my room? Oh, you know what? I bought some gym equipment and uh, that I ain't used, since I bought you go see, I can come back home anytime, but you're, like you, legit are. You took away my room.

Speaker 2 40:52

Right Facts.

Speaker 1 40:54

And then now we got to have the adult conversations about. You know, sometimes in life things don't work out as planned, but you got to, you got to replan and you got yeah.

Speaker 2 41:04

Oh yeah, but what happened to me just coming back home, like I was saying, like now my relationship with my father-in-law is great.

Speaker 1 41:08

Oh my gosh, you two talked for hours yesterday.

Speaker 2 41:12

OG right there.

Speaker 1 41:14

Yeah, I love your relationship with my dad now, I love your dad's mannerism. And I love the fact that, like my dad has like gotten older now. So like when we had went over to his house this was like last month and he's like I feel like he's growing into like that typical old black man where technology eludes him on some things.

Speaker 2 41:33

So when we got to the house, no, it's every time we go to the house. He got a question.

Speaker 1 41:36

Every single time we go to the house he's asking Maurice, like how the hell you hook such and such up, or how do I connect this account to this account? And then Maurice is always like okay, well, we got to do this, we got to do that. And I was like he sounds like the typical, like getting older man and technology is just not his friend and if you change one little thing he's not going to know. He's not. He's he's one update, one app update, away from not knowing how to work.

Speaker 2 42:06

Well, you know, like I said, your dad is the embodiment of everything I find amusing about old black man the mannerisms the sayings Well, hell.

Speaker 1 42:15

How you talk the the hello no, my favorite aspect about him, now that he's like older, is his political side oh yeah oh man, his political side he gets heated I was like.

Speaker 2 42:29

But the thing is you like, when your dad calling you here, you hear hello, hey, are you didn't go? Hey, how you doing. But like. And you hear you hear hello, hey, or did he go? Hey, how you doing. But like, when you hear, when you sit, when you hear him say hello, you'd be like what the hell? Cause? Like, I don't picture like, cause your dad is like six, three.

Navigating Relationships With in-Laws

Speaker 1 42:43

Yeah, my dad has always been a very big picture. Your dad hello. I'd be like, hey, daddy, how you doing? I'm good daddy, I'm good daddy. But, like I say, our relationships with our in-laws got better because of time, and I also think our relationships with our parents got better because of time as well, right? So like the relationship with the relationship that I have now with my dad is like I love the relationship that I have now with my dad, but that took time.

Speaker 1 43:22

I take credit for that no, you shouldn't, though I do, but you shouldn't it's okay, but you shouldn't I always tell you call your dad no well, it had nothing to do with about calling my dad. It had everything to do with me relinquishing relinquishing the the pain, the hurt and the blame that I had that was aimed toward him, and realizing that we can't go backwards like I'll never, be nine again. I'll never be seven again.

Speaker 2 43:46

I'll never be 10 again right and I can either choose to have a relationship and build a foundation with my father now and build on that and that be our story, or I can keep holding the past against him but, like I used to always tell you to do that because, like I told you, like well, my relationship with my father, like I didn't really have a relationship with my father until I was 16 and it was me driving to see my father yeah it wasn't my father coming to see me, not all.

Speaker 2 44:13

It was me establishing that relationship yeah, and relationship, yeah, and that's why I used to always say just call him, Because I could see in you like the same void I had in me, Like I wanted to know, I wanted to be, have contact with my father, and so that's why I always say call your father, Just like say hi.

Speaker 1 44:28

Just call him, and I wanted him to, especially considering that she's between him and my mom. She's the only girl, you know what I mean. She's the only female grandchild that they have. So I feel like that's also like a really special relationship to have and that was really important. And I I do think that once I did get pregnant, that's when he kind of came around more too, like where he would take the initiative. And you see now, like my dad calls me probably like twice a week. If I'm not calling him, my dad will call me probably about twice a week, like I know what he's working on right now I know what's going on in his life right now.

Speaker 2 45:04

We're gonna get a call on tuesday. Get an update on this truck right.

Speaker 1 45:08

But like I know, I know his day-to-day activities, I know what's going on in his life I, I know the people in his life right now. He knows what's going on in my life, he knows what I do Like and when I was a child that did not happen. You know what I mean. Like I played basketball from the fourth grade to the twelfth grade and never, he never came to one basketball game or basketball practice Like prom graduation, all those big milestones. Like you know, he wasn't there for those milestones and not because he couldn't be, he was at your graduation, he was at my high school graduation. That's one that matters. But I'm talking about like my junior high school and I distinctively remember why he didn't come to my junior high graduation, because that hurt me for a little bit, because he was like basically saying like it wasn't like a real graduation. He was like I'll be there for the high school graduation and then for my college graduation.

Speaker 2 46:02

he didn't come to my college graduation because he said he got there and he couldn't find a park. I mean it was at Staples Center. Stop it, it was. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it.

Speaker 1 46:08

Because I've relinquished that it was?

Speaker 2 46:12

It was at Staples.

Speaker 1 46:13

Center, but did you find a park? Yeah, you found a park. Oh, I had to. Okay, yeah, okay.

Speaker 2 46:20

I had to because your mama was riding with me.

Speaker 1 46:22

Yeah, but you found a park. But anywho, I think it can just be one of those things that can be difficult to navigate and if you are in a situation where you don't get along with your in-laws, my advice would be to, for one, give it time. Just give it a little bit of time. Don't try to force anything. Give it all the time, yeah, but don't try to force anything. Still, take initiative and then just let it fall back into their court. You know, like, take the initiative, especially if there's children involved. Like you can take the initiative and say, hey, we're going to have a family day on Saturday. I would love if you wanted to see, if you wanted to come and hang out with us at the zoo, and if their hostility towards you outweighs the fact that they get to spend time with their grandkids.

Speaker 2 47:08

That's their fault. Let me ask you this, because you know, because you know how I don't really call your mom at all. Right, because you know, me and your mom, we it's, it's, it's, it's fun, it's weird, we're working through it and but it's like, do you ever tell her, like marise told me, to call you because?

Speaker 1 47:23

I would ever tell her because I'm sorry, I'm like I talked to my mom every day though, but I'm like but I'm like ask your mom if she want to do this.

Speaker 2 47:29

Do you ever say oh yes, you yes. I do, so you be giving me credit. Absolutely, you ain't got to. I absolutely do, you don't have to.

Speaker 1 47:36

Because I think I think now, right now, like the relationship with you and my mom is like I know how you are right and I know how my mom is what the hell does that mean?

Navigating Relationships and Parenting Perspectives

Speaker 1 47:46

I just know how your demeanor can be. Like you sometimes like, but sometimes it's like. You also like to show that you care, but from a distance does that make sense? So, like how you say you never call my mom, like I'll call your mom and be like, hey, like, but you won't do that. You will say it through me and be like, um like, for instance, last weekend when we heard, weekend before last, when we were gonna go to the zoo and you're like, call your mom and see if she wants to go with us. You know like you'll say it like that, but the point, the fact that you're even thinking about inviting her because you know that it would be important for her and because you also know that she loves hanging out with her grandchild, and like it's also a double bonus because you know your daughter loves hanging out with her grandparents, she loves her grandparents and I love that for her.

Speaker 1 48:36

Because I didn't get like I only had my, my two grandmothers, but I wasn't very close to my dad's mom. I was more close to my mom's mom, but I never got to meet any like either of my grandfathers. So, yeah, I have, I have no, when it comes to grandfathers, couldn't tell you. Um. So I love that for her, like I. I love that her grandparents can show up for her and that she talks to them and that she knows their names, like I love that for her. You know what I mean. So that's why I say sometimes the saying is true like things get better with time, hold on.

Speaker 2 49:12

You said that, and I was thinking about yesterday when she said I don't want to stay with Papa.

Speaker 1 49:17

Oh, cause he said you want to stay the summer with me. And she, he was like I'll teach you some good life skills. And what did he say? We'll get up in the morning and work on the truck, and then she said no.

Speaker 1 49:28

Papa, he was like. He said. He said you'll get some good work in, she said. When he said that she was like, she said you can come to my house, yeah, yeah Cause, she said at my house, we don't, we don't work on trucks, we don't, we don't do any of this work, that you see no, no, she don't do nothing. That's what she's saying. Like if you come to my house, we just going to have fun, like Papa, we just going to have fun.

Speaker 2 49:57

Like that's it she said nope, I don't want to stay with you, papa, no can't do that.

Speaker 1 50:01

She's like I can come visit but, I, can't stay.

Speaker 2 50:05

Savage.

Speaker 1 50:05

She said when I get sleepy, it's time to go home, it's time to go and I don't think you're gonna give me cuddles, so, but yeah, I think it's just one of those things that it just takes time. You have to give it time. Don't stop taking the initiative. Give you know some space and really have those conversations with your spouse and check in with your spouse, because it can be a difficult like position for them and even though you're married and you know your spouse comes first, what's what's funny? What's funny?

Speaker 2 50:39

you said, you what you said. It could be a difficult position and in my head I said oh my gosh in my head. I said no, diddy I don't know why you are the way you are, but it's fine. Let me tell you also if you could be in my head for an hour.

Speaker 1 50:59

I don't think you would want to be.

Speaker 2 51:01

It is nonstop laughter and inappropriate jokes.

Speaker 1 51:05

I'm happy that your inner thoughts are laughter and happy jokes.

Speaker 2 51:10

Inappropriate jokes.

Speaker 1 51:11

Mine isn't. Do you know what my inner dialogue is?

Speaker 2 51:13

Oh, and then that's half of it. The other half is all nasty stuff.

Speaker 1 51:17

Oh gosh, you know what my inner dialogue is? Huh.

Speaker 2 51:20

Worry.

Speaker 1 51:24

Worry. That's it Wondering what viruses are on the surface.

Speaker 2 51:29

Wondering what string of COVID you just walked through and if you got the antibodies for it already. That's what you're.

Speaker 1 51:39

Y'all think he's joking. He's really not joking. Like I be in here Like what was it? I had us on a. What was the regimen I had us on with the black cumin seed oil, the carrot juice?

Speaker 2 51:53

My wife can see the molecular model of the particles in front of her because I know that they're there, like just sitting here right now like imagine like that's three carbons in an atom, right there imagine like three, like billion, like billion of little particles just hitting.

Speaker 1 52:14

They're hitting us right now like they're all in our face. We're inhaling them. Every time I cough it's like released into the air, like anytime somebody farts the gas is out there like what's your daughter fart? We doomed we have been inhaling so much, so much guys, okay, so much. I don't even know how we got off track this is completely off track yeah, we're done with the track. She said she farted.

Speaker 2 52:44

I was just thinking about the other day, cause you know how your daughter don't close no doors. I was thinking about the other day when she was on the toilet and I walked by and she was straining so bad, and then she had the one tear when she was on the toilet and I walked by and she was straining Aww, my baby.

Speaker 1 52:57

And then she had the one tear. Did she have her step, her poop step under her feet? Yeah, she was there and she said I'm just pooping Dad. I said I see, don't make fun of my baby. Just make sure she had her poop step underneath her. Keep her knees bent. Don't do fun of my baby. Just make sure she had her poop step underneath her. Keep her knees bent. Don't do that to my baby. You help her out what's going through. You help her out. Don't be doing my baby like that.

Speaker 2 53:26

And like any dad, I said you wouldn't be like that if you drink water.

Speaker 1 53:29

She does. She drinks plenty of water.

Speaker 2 53:32

I'm trying to tell her no juice at all.

Speaker 1 53:35

Oh no, plenty of water. I'm trying to tell her no juice at all.

Speaker 2 53:37

Oh no, she can have apple juice every now and then, but that's what be getting her in trouble, that apple juice grace to the worst, yeah, uh, but yeah.

Speaker 1 53:42

so, like I said just time, check in with your partner and just take the initiative and go from there. And if it's one of those situations where, like y, y'all just don't get along, it is what it is Like get along for the grandchildren though the Bible says a man will leave his family and cling to his wife. This is true.

Speaker 2 54:06

This is true. That's what I did, and I love you for it. I didn't let her go.

Speaker 1 54:10

I love you, I love that for you. I love when people say that now. So I feel like I say I love that for you.

Speaker 2 54:19

You just remind me of somebody else If I tell you who you want to see in the war let me take a guess.

Speaker 1 54:27

I love that for you. I don't know, I'll tell you. Okay, all right, let's get into our two cents.

Muslim Couple Discuss Stay-at-Home Role

Speaker 2 54:36

I got four cents today.

Speaker 1 54:37

Okay, this one, let's see it's a little lengthy, but hear me out. Okay, it says am I the a-hole for threatening my wife with a divorce after she quit her job to be a trad wife? What the hell?

Speaker 2 54:50

is a trad wife.

Speaker 1 54:51

A traditional wife. Do we have to shorten everything? Yeah, it's the world we live in. Okay, so am I the a-hole for threatening my wife with a divorce after she quit her job to be a trad wife A?

Speaker 2 55:04

stay-at-home mom.

Speaker 1 55:05

Yes, basically I don't even know where to begin with this. Uh, me and my wife have two kids together, 11 and 9. Me and my wife have been together for 12 years and married for eight years. Around a year ago I noticed my wife increasingly sending me these trad wife or traditional housewife tiktoks. I have nothing against the type of relationship, but I don't think it makes sense for our current family situation. I do earn quite a bit more than my wife and enough to sustain our family on my own, but I don't see the need to do so.

Speaker 1 55:33

I work 80% and my wife 50%, and besides Wednesdays, where the both of us are working either, one of us is always home for the kids. I could work 100% and let my wife be a stay-at-home mom again. Both of my kids are attending school and in their mind or in my mind, there is no need for my wife to be a stay-at-home mom 24-7. She got increasingly pushy about it over the past two months and again I just kept on telling her that there wasn't a need for her to be at home. And if we decided to go down that route, what would she be doing during the hours that my kids attended school? I know damn well our house doesn't need to be cleaned for six hours a day. She would constantly try to butter me up with you, would have dinner ready for you when you get home and the house would be clean and something about unlimited attention time together, again, in the nicest way possible. I would remind her that our kids weren't toddlers and our current work-life schedule allowed us to function properly just fine. We got into a pretty heated argument two weeks ago about it and my wife completely stopped having sex with me to, quote-unquote show me what I would be missing out on. She's basically treating me like a roommate. I just thought she would get over it and this pass and that this would be a phase, but God, was I wrong.

Speaker 1 56:53

I came home from work yesterday and saw a bunch of presents on the dining table. At first I thought the presents were for me, since my birthday is in a week, but then I saw the labels that were addressed to my wife. I read one of the letters attached to the presents. The last sentence on it was literally, quote it was a pleasure working alongside you and I wish you all the best. Moving forward, I thought it was a prank. A few minutes later, my wife just casually strolled into the living room, acting like nothing was wrong. I guess she saw that I was mad and had a mad expression and had the audacity to tell me quote you'll get over it. And I just lost it. I left without saying another word and went to my parents' house.

Speaker 1 57:37

I feel absolutely disrespected. Why the hell would my wife think it was okay to just quit her job without telling me and just expect me to be fine with it? My wife has been bombarding me with texts and calls demanding to know where I am and that the kids miss me. I just told her to go find a lawyer and that I was done with her and then proceeded to block her on everything. My son just sent me a voicemail crying and asking why I was divorcing his mom and if I was leaving the family, and I guess that kind of broke my heart. I haven't responded and honestly don't know what to say.

Speaker 1 58:08

My mother-in-law also has been demanding that I return home and apologize to my wife. My parents also seem to be siding with my wife, since they are also traditional Muslims and are stay-at-home moms. I feel like I feel like I'm wrong for immediately jumping to divorce without hearing her out and besides this whole job drama, I love my wife too much for this to be the end of our otherwise perfect marriage, but on the other hand, I feel like I've lost complete trust in her. Should I just swallow my pride and let my wife be a stay-at-home wife from now on, or should I follow through on the divorce? How should I navigate this situation?

Speaker 2 58:42

So they're Muslim. That's an important caveat.

Speaker 1 58:47

Well, yeah, so it sounds like his mom. Yeah, she said my parents are also siding with my wife, since they are also traditional Muslims.

Speaker 2 58:56

Because in their culture yeah. If the husband can do it then that's the culture.

Speaker 1 59:03

You go ahead first.

Speaker 2 59:04

What are your thoughts? Here's my thoughts. Here's my thoughts. Here's my thoughts. These modern, my thoughts. Here's my thoughts. These modern women don't want to be modern, no more.

Speaker 1 59:14

I knew you were about to go down that we just had this conversation at breakfast yesterday or the day before yesterday. We just had no yesterday, yesterday. Yes, we just had this conversation at breakfast yesterday. I thought you wanted me to go. No, go ahead, go ahead. Conversation at breakfast yesterday. I thought you wanted me to go now, go ahead, go ahead, because I just know where you're going with this and I feel like I'm gonna scrunch up my face.

Speaker 2 59:33

So she's. She's tired of working point blank period that's it because she doesn't need to be home for the children, like you said, they're not in 11, they don't they. They're not under mom, they're not. They're doing whatever they is they. They entertain them throughout the day in in school and they, you know I'm saying yeah and he didn't mention actually, he was nothing like that. Yeah, so it's like she's just to the point to where, like well, like she's like well, we will be fine if.

Speaker 1 59:58

If why can't I stay home if it's okay financially?

Marital Disagreement on Financial Independence

Speaker 2 1:00:01

but here and this is what I disagree, this is what I disagree I feel like when it comes to decisions like this, both, both parties have to agree and then to turn around and withhold sex. Now, if he was go out there and got some cash from somebody else because, hey, fill in the blanks, why are you taking the blanks out? You, you feel some type of way right and I that's why I always say I, always. I do always feel like when, when a woman denies sexual access to herself because she's in an attitude, because she's not getting her way, that is extremely unfair. It is, I agree, because, as a man, there's nothing that I can take away from you to the same effect, right, there's nothing I can take away from you to the same effect. It's like I'm not going to stop providing for you. You, you're not gonna stop paying my bills I'm not, because that would affect you too right, I'm not.

Speaker 2 1:00:52

I'm not gonna stop buying food. Yeah, I'm not gonna stop going to work honey.

Speaker 1 1:00:56

But you can stop like buying me things that aren't necessity. It don't matter, you're gonna go buy yourself. So again, like I say, I mean, but if you okay, just like how that could be a form of like neglect or, you know, cutting, cutting your wife off financially, like, yeah, you could still provide groceries, you can still take care of the house, but there's like if you have control of the accounts, you could take away my financial access.

Speaker 2 1:01:22

I don't want to get too off topic, but I always feel like when, when, when, when sex is withdrawn, I feel like you're creating a wedge there that don't need to be there.

Speaker 2 1:01:31

Yeah, I agree, right, I agree, anyway but it's like to, and my initial reaction is I would have had the same reaction as he had. I would have said this heifer was bold enough. She just said I'm going to just do it and you're going to live with it. And as a man, that is a threat, that is perceived as a threat. We've had a conversation and you told me I'm going to have to just live with it, Like I have to just bow down to you. That's a threat. So violence must be met with violence. That is man code. We're not discussing this. So he left, and now he left now. And now what's she doing? Now, I'm pretty sure she probably said some things to the kids, and that's why her son sent that email. And now she's stretched down. She's gone from trying to convince him to drastic actions to now trying to guilt him to accept her actions. Right, and that's where I don't agree and that's why I'm all in for this soft guy era Drizzle, drizzle.

Speaker 1 1:02:32

Okay, first of all, let's not ever use that term. Drizzle, drizzle, soft guy era.

Speaker 2 1:02:36

Let's not ever use that term Drizzle, drizzle we just had that conversation yesterday, drizzle drizzle.

Speaker 1 1:02:41

Let's not ever use that phrase.

Speaker 2 1:02:43

Soft guy era.

Speaker 1 1:02:44

I think, personally for me, I think where she messed up is the delivery. I think that's where she messed up sending the tick tocks Right, Because if it was something that she genuinely wanted to do like if it's something I genuinely want and I genuinely wanted to do, I can just come to you and be like, hey, I don't, I'm not going to sit here and try to lie and be like, oh, our kids need me to be home, because you and I both know that's not true. But the truth of the matter is is that I think that you know, since we would still be okay financially, I don't want to work anymore, and these are the reasons why I don't want to work anymore.

Speaker 2 1:03:21

That's good, take that to work.

Speaker 1 1:03:22

Okay, no, but I'm just saying I think that the approach also had a lot to do with it. Now, I'm not saying that he probably still wouldn't feel the same way, because he was clearly very adamant about the fact that he doesn't see the point or the benefit. But like you have said, pods, before, your protection also covers, like my, mental and emotional right.

Speaker 2 1:03:47

This ain't a mental thing. No, just rock with me for a no, listen just rock with me for a second.

Speaker 1 1:03:50

Just rock with me for a second. We don't know, listen. We don't know all the ins and outs, we just know what he said right, but what if it's one of those I'm gonna rock with you?

Speaker 2 1:03:59

let me rebuttal what if?

Speaker 1 1:04:00

what if? It's one of those things where she's just like she's just tired, she's like mentally exhausted and mentally tired, she doesn't want to work anymore and they can afford it. He's gonna go to work anyway, and even if he could still provide at 80 percent, what him working 80 percent like?

Speaker 2 1:04:16

and this is what men have been saying forever what a privilege it is to be a woman and be tired of working I don't disagree with you.

Speaker 1 1:04:25

What a privilege. I don't disagree with you. Get tired, but here don't disagree. I can't get tired, but here's the thing you can't get tired, you can get tired but society society has different standards for you being tired than it does for women and that doesn't say that doesn't mean to say that it's fair, because nobody said it was fair.

Speaker 2 1:04:42

It's not fair, so here it not fair.

Speaker 1 1:04:44

And then here's the thing If I could provide you with a less stressful life, like I do my very best to unload as much stress off of you as possible, If I could go out there right now and replace your income 100% and plus more, and we can flip-flop and you can be home full-time. I would do it in a heartbeat Drizzle, drizzle.

Speaker 2 1:05:05

I would do it in a heartbeat drizzle drizzle I would do it in a heartbeat, like no questions asked I think my I gotta get my beard done twice a week that's fine, whatever, whatever you need, like I will carry that. That's, that's not that's not the problem however.

Speaker 1 1:05:19

However, I'm just saying, you know, because this is all you know, just opinions and stuff. What I'm just saying is the society just has different standards for men and women, obviously, right. So it's not unheard of for a woman to come to her husband and be like, hey, like I, just I don't, I don't want to work, like, if there's really no reason for me to work here's, here's, then I don't feel like I should have to work here's. That's probably where she's coming from. Here's another angle, angle where there's disrespect. That's not what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 1:05:47

I'm just saying. That's probably what she's saying. Here's another angle of disrespect. You've married me, you've placed me as your leader to give you direction, and now you've purposely rejected my direction because I said this is not a good look, this is not something that's necessary, because there's no reason for you to have I don't disagree with you. So you've gone against me.

Speaker 1 1:06:14

Right, that was disrespectful. I agree, that's a disrespect.

Speaker 2 1:06:18

So now, as a man, if you can go against me in this, Right, I've lost all control. What else are? You willing to, that's fair.

Speaker 2 1:06:26

So now I can't trust you, that's fair. And if I can't trust you to listen to me, then I cannot protect you, because I can't trust the fact that you're going to do what I tell you to do and be in the position I tell you to be in in case danger comes. Right Right. And then maybe he had the mentality of hey, if I'm working and you're working, then maybe we can get to a point to where we can both retire sooner and then live out this life together. Let's hustle together and then retire soon. Maybe that was his mindset.

Speaker 1 1:06:54

But I think all that needs to be verbalized, but him just simply saying it doesn't make sense because we have older kids. And what are you going to do with your time for six hours out of the day.

Speaker 2 1:07:02

But also, babe, we don't know what was verbalized, because they exactly they said they've had many heated conversations exactly and all in.

Speaker 1 1:07:08

And she was a stay-at-home wife before right when the kids were smaller. So his only argument. If we're just going off of what we're saying here don't need to be. His only argument is saying what are you going to do for six hours out of the day? Because you're not going to clean for six hours out of the day. So so what are you?

Speaker 2 1:07:25

going to do for six hours out of the day, but he's just talking about.

Speaker 1 1:07:28

He's just talking about the time that the kids are going to be at school because, how he said that, the way their work schedules work, now there's always somebody there to pick up the kids or to be with the kids, right, with the exception of, like Wednesday or something like that.

Speaker 1 1:07:41

But he's saying that they're both off on Wednesday, but he's saying that our schedule works so perfectly right now that it doesn't hinder you from working. It doesn't hinder me from working and I don't see why you need to drop your job just to sit at home and absolutely do nothing, like I'm not saying nothing. But he's like you're not going to clean for six hours. We have older kids so it's not like you're cleaning up after toddlers.

Speaker 2 1:08:04

I can tell you exactly what she's going to do.

Speaker 1 1:08:07

She's going to live her life.

Speaker 2 1:08:10

She's going to watch TikToks and she's going to look around the house.

Speaker 1 1:08:11

She's going to go to lunch. She's going to redecorate.

Speaker 2 1:08:14

She's going to work on herself Every day. She's going to have, she's going to do things that she thinks about doing Every day. She's going to be spending it fast, as fast as it comes in.

Speaker 1 1:08:31

I think where I think what they could have done to like, if I feel as though, if the if that was our situation, I would propose like.

Speaker 1 1:08:41

I would propose that maybe we try it for six months, right, like, maybe I just do it for six months.

Speaker 1 1:08:45

Right, like, maybe I just do it for six months because maybe it's one of those things, because how he said, that she would always send him the TikToks. You know how you are when you see something that you've been scrolling on and it's constantly being shown to you. So now you're just like, oh, I want to try that, I want to do that, and then you get into it and you're like this isn't what I thought, or she won't like having so much free time on her hands, or whatever the case may be, you know, or maybe she'll like it, and then you guys can revisit it in six months. But I think where the problem comes down to is also just like cutting things off when you're not making me feel like it's up for discussion, because it kind of seems like that's his, that was his angle. His angle was like it's not up for discussion because I don't see the point in it. And, and because I don't see the point in it, it can't happen.

Speaker 2 1:09:28

I would divorce her, but no, you wouldn't. Yeah, I would. Now I'm thinking about it and the more I think about it. Just do it, cut your ties. That's terrible. Just cut your ties. And then, if she can live off the alimony child support, then she'd be home. He's still going it don't matter, until she remarried. If you're not doing so already, you can follow us on all social media platforms, don't cut it off.

Speaker 1 1:09:51

No, don't cut me off, think about it. I wasn't cutting you off, I thought you were done. Think about it. Okay, I was thinking about it.

Speaker 2 1:09:56

Because, the more I think about it, it is a level of disrespect that I will not tolerate.

Speaker 1 1:10:01

It is I don't with you. I think that was disrespectful to just go ahead and just be like, okay, deal with it. And to say deal with it.

Respect in Relationships

Speaker 2 1:10:11

If she were told to deal with it, I would look at her face and say who the f*** are you talking to? The deal with it, queen. Like he said, get you a lawyer, you're going to pay for it, it don't matter. It don't matter Because at this point, all us up some lawyers babe. Because you're still going to pay for it At this point I'm going to free my goddamn conscience of you. That's what I'm going to do. Oh, Because you're.

Speaker 1 1:10:36

But he said outside of that, he had a perfect marriage.

Speaker 2 1:10:40

Because the more I thought about it, the more this shit triggered me. I can't stand a disrespectful ass woman. I can't stand a disrespectful child, because that's why I was raised. I do not tolerate disrespect. And the more I think about it, yeah, leave her ass. You know what I'm going to say? Something petty I'm going to say nothing petty. You know, go find happiness elsewhere. Drizzle, drizzle.

Speaker 1 1:11:05

This has been another episode of Life After I Do Podcast. If you're not doing so already, you can follow us on all our social media platforms Facebook page, life After I Do Podcast, tiktok, instagram and YouTube.

Speaker 2 1:11:18

TikTok for two more weeks.

Speaker 1 1:11:20

Is that true?

Speaker 2 1:11:21

I keep saying it.

Speaker 1 1:11:22

Oh, I'm like, I don't think it's true. But yeah, tiktok, instagram and YouTube, life After I Do podcast. You can also write in to us at lifeafteridopodcasts at gmailcom. And remember you get a new episode every Wednesday and until then, Don't disrespect nobody. Don't be disrespectful. Respect your spouses and take the initiative with your in-laws. Peace.

Speaker 2 1:11:45

Peace, Peace.