Let's get real about the dance of communication in relationships—it's not always the tango you expect it to be. We peel back the layers of conversations between partners, revealing the subtle yet impactful cues of tone and body language. It's all about the transformative power of words and the art of uplifting each other, even when the going gets tough.
Let's get real about the dance of communication in relationships—it's not always the tango you expect it to be. We peel back the layers of conversations between partners, revealing the subtle yet impactful cues of tone and body language. It's all about the transformative power of words and the art of uplifting each other, even when the going gets tough.
I don't understand. I hate when you do that you be trying to make it seem like you be trying to make it seem like the thing is is you have this presumption that I can't do certain things, and so therefore I won't do certain things, or that I don't know, or that I'm not aware. You're like you won't know what to turn off.
Speaker 2:You won't know.
Speaker 1:How do you know you don't hey everyone and welcome back to another episode of Life After I Do.
Speaker 3:I'm your host, nisha G, and I'm here with my husband, maurice, also known as Molito, so freaking, dramatic.
Speaker 1:Forever, my lady. It's like a dream. Oh, you know what? What's up? I meant to tell you that Drew Hill is going to be in, I believe, Temecula. That's good for them and I want to go again.
Speaker 3:I'm not going to take you nowhere, so you can yell another man's name in front of me.
Speaker 1:I need to go back to see Jazz.
Speaker 3:You groupie.
Speaker 1:I need to go back to see Jazz, you groupie, I need to go see Jazz.
Speaker 3:Y'all. Let me tell y'all something. My wife was yelling for jazz so hard.
Speaker 1:I said, I'm right here, I'm right here. I was like, oh my gosh, it's jazz.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 1:Everybody was always hooked on Cisco.
Speaker 3:It was never Cisco, for me, it was always jazz. So then I had to be petty, and when Coco, I was like Coco, oh my God.
Speaker 1:We went to a. What was the concert name?
Speaker 3:Oh my God, it don't even matter what the name was.
Speaker 1:I forgot what the name of the concert was but, Jodeci was headlining and this was what was it? The beginning of this year or last year. It. Well, we went to the concert and it was the Jodeci tour thing. But Drew Hill was with them, and so was SWV. Hold on, hold on.
Speaker 3:It was S-double-U-V-S-double. Oh my Cocoa looks still good.
Speaker 1:Oh, that chocolate woman. But anywho, it came on my timeline when I was scrolling through Facebook and it said that Drew Hill was going to be performing. I believe it was in Temecula you ain't going Facebook and it said that Drew Hill was going to be performing, I believe it was in Temecula.
Speaker 3:You ain't going Pechanga? Yeah, I believe it was Pechanga you not going Anywho.
Speaker 1:as soon as I seen it I was like I'm in it, like lit.
Speaker 3:I gots to see my little jazz. You not going, you not going.
Speaker 1:Why You're not going to hurt my feelings again. Did that really hurt your feelings?
Speaker 3:You were screaming for another man next to me.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, but does it count?
Speaker 3:It does count.
Speaker 1:He's a performer. He's an entertainer. I was entertained. He has a penis. He performed for me.
Speaker 3:He has a penis, that's all that matters.
Speaker 1:That's not a thing. It absolutely is. How was?
Speaker 3:your week babe.
Speaker 1:My week was okay. Why I mean it was just okay. It was, you know, yes, it was okay, but my, like your daughter is just growing up. That's what. I'm checking it up to. And she's going through like these little. I see these little personality changes starting to emerge.
Speaker 2:You don't like them.
Speaker 1:And I'm not the biggest fan of them, and I'm just trying to navigate, like my parenting patience and my parenting, you know, trying to develop my parenting skills to find different ways of engaging with her instead of just being, like you know, wanting to grab her by the neck Sometimes sometimes, sometimes you got to Sparta, kick these kids.
Speaker 1:No, I would never. This is Sparta, no, but you know, she's just, she's starting to just like be more aware of things around her. Her little personality traits are starting to come through and I do love seeing it and it's great, and it's not great at times, that's all.
Speaker 3:Like we said before, it's hard for us to see our childhood in her childhood, because she's being allowed to be a kid. Yeah, but aside from that, it's just, but she's getting to experience something. A kid, yeah, but I mean, aside from that, it's just, but she's getting to experience something that we have not experienced Because we had to grow up faster.
Speaker 1:Is that what you want to check it up to?
Speaker 3:Yeah, she's a kid, she gets to be a kid. Yeah, you know that's so like her maturity curve is not the same shape as ours, because's not being forced to do it.
Speaker 1:And I think that's kind of what part of me has to constantly remind myself that her brain is still developing. You know what I mean? She is still developing. Things are still coming at her 100 miles per hour. She's still trying to navigate and evaluate things. A lot of the things that happen she doesn't have words for. So that's why we try to talk as much as we can, but you know that's what our conversations have been like, just like her maturity with certain things and.
Speaker 3:I try to do my best to not. I'm going to have to stop you right now what You're looking good.
Speaker 1:Oh, thank you, babe. It's been a while since you've been gone Bye.
Speaker 3:And that's too long.
Speaker 1:I feel like in certain I think it's just also too in certain situations, when I see her amongst other different types of kids, her maturity changes, and then when she's with another set of kids, you know what I mean.
Speaker 3:So I think that's just her filtering. She like camouflages herself into the pack.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's like trying to filter, filter her way through. So I mean it's all normal. I feel like we do it as adults. We definitely do it as adults.
Speaker 3:I think she's just trying to figure out who she is.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean that's cool. Yeah, you know she's got. She's got a lot going on.
Speaker 3:The only thing we know for sure about this girl is that she loves dance and she loves gymnastics. Those are solid.
Speaker 1:I'm starting to just kind of lump that into. She just likes to perform, Maybe, and that's why I'm just like well, every day is not a performance. That's what I try to like, girlfriend. Every day is not a performance. Girlfriend. But yeah, other than that, my week, my week was good. Got to spending some time with my sister, my great niece. That's always good.
Speaker 3:I be missing my sister and them 90s R&B just hit different.
Speaker 1:I be missing my sister. Are you asking me about my week or are you sitting there having a jam session to yourself?
Speaker 3:because I'm looking at you and I'm thinking about all the songs that I can sing to you right now. I appreciate it.
Speaker 1:Thanks, babe because I haven't been. I'm trying to have you balcony. Okay, how was your week? I'm not doing this with you today. I'm not even doing this with you today. My week was cool.
Speaker 3:You know what I mean. Like I just went out here and did what I'm supposed to do as a husband and a father. I provided protection and security, and that's what I did. You know, I just I played my position.
Speaker 1:Did you feel like a man when you came in from the lawn?
Speaker 3:with 20? Yeah, I was like man I'm out here doing I ain't did yard. Look here. Let me tell y'all something.
Speaker 1:He came in the house after doing a little bit of yard work. Talking about I'm proud of myself, I was having fun.
Speaker 3:I'm being a man. Let me tell y'all something. Those were his exact words. I'm being a man, I haven't done any yard work in probably like two years, because no, it hasn't been two years. No, it's been like two years because, yeah, trust me, doesn't feel like that long, I didn't know. I didn't know yard work since that front grass got put in, so that's not true.
Speaker 1:You used to mow the lawn until I got on you when you started getting lazy about the lawn when I put the sod down.
Speaker 3:We got to, I think I cut the, I think I cut the sod maybe once or twice, and then I got a gardener and he's been our gardener ever since. So, anyway, it's been a while since I had to do anything. But then I I hit my gardener. I was like, hey, I want to put a sprinkler right here, you know, because our grass seems to die at a certain location every summer.
Speaker 1:And what's funny about it is OK, just really quick, because it made me think about it. Excuse me, the area that our grass dies in right, we had our driveway widened right, so the area where the grass would die in, I was like, oh, we're going to take that part of the grass up anyway because we're going to widen the driveway.
Speaker 1:So we took up like a huge chunk of our front yard and laid cement down to widen the driveway. And then we put new grass down and everything looked great. It was beautiful. The grass was even beautiful and green. Slowly but surely the same exact spot the grass started dying again. It's one spot in the yard, same exact spot, the grass started dying again, just that way.
Speaker 3:It's one spot in the yard. We just honestly, we learned that it's the reflection. It's the reflection of the sun off the concrete that's making that grass hotter, so it needs to be watered more. And then the reflection from the ones, but anyway, I digress. So I had called the gardener and I was like, hey, how much would you charge me to put the sprinkler right here? You know, I'm like I'm not trying to do no work, I'm just not. And he gave me that price and I was like I'll do it myself, em.
Speaker 1:Bye, I'll do it myself.
Speaker 3:Em, I got everything I need for it, because before we laid the side down, I capped all the sprinklers. I dug, dug them all up. I'm I, you know. I moved the ones where I put them where I thought they'd be best. Yeah, I know. So I'm like I already know about that whole process.
Speaker 1:I remember about capital sprinklers no, when you were like taking some sprinklers out and putting because we didn't need that many, and I was like what I was like if there was 35 sprinklers. Just leave the 35 sprinklers we had.
Speaker 3:We had 27 sprinklers in our front yard from the last owner and I felt like I said this is ridiculous felt like we should have left, so I. I got the 27 down to um 10 and now there'll be 11, and all I did was I just put in. I put in 25 foot sprinkler, so they each sprinkler shoots 25 feet.
Speaker 3:So I don't have covers the entire yard, so like yeah, so like when the the corner is pretty much covered, the whole side of yard, and then we have like a little patch that's like not part of the main patch, so that area has two sprinklers. That covers all of that. And then I have a half like a 180s at certain points. But anyway, I was like man I ain't did this in so long I'm finishing but you know. But I was out there being a man.
Speaker 1:He was like babe, I'm being a man.
Speaker 3:Because I was telling her today I was like I got to get on this to-do list because it's getting longer and longer.
Speaker 1:And it goes back to 2022.
Speaker 3:You didn't have to say all that.
Speaker 1:I did. I think the people needed context.
Speaker 3:You know what? When a husband says he's going to do something, he's going to do it. You know what, when a husband says he's going to do something he's going to do it. He may not be when you need him, but you're going to do it Like.
Speaker 1:I'm still going to put some towel racks up in the bathroom from four years ago. It's on my list. We renovated that vanity space at the beginning of the pandemic. It was our first little house project after being in our home for like two and a half, three years. We redid the entire uh vanity, like you know, area of the bathroom like, took things out, built new things, like the whole little reno looks amazing, love it. We bought these handles and every day and every weekend he was like no, I'm gonna put them up, I'm gonna put where you want them. And he would keep asking me where you? I'm going to put them up, I'm going to put them where you want them and he would keep asking me where you want them.
Speaker 3:I'm going to put them up today, Today. I'm going to put them up today I don't even think I want them anymore.
Speaker 1:That's the problem. Wow, that's just like okay. So we bought lights. There's legit like $1,500. Worth of lights in the box. I look at them and I say I don't even like the style of the light anymore.
Speaker 3:They still going up.
Speaker 1:And I'm pretty sure we could return them.
Speaker 3:Like I'm 100% sure. I mean we can try today.
Speaker 1:I'm 100% sure, and like, pick out new lights and maybe that'll, oh, maybe that'll re-motivate us to be like let's get these lights up.
Speaker 3:We can try today, but we don't know what they're going to give us.
Speaker 1:No, they'll give us what we paid for because we'll have proof of purchase. It doesn't matter, you have proof of purchase. Just find the card that you put it on and it'll show up.
Speaker 3:Anyway, the lights have not been put up because—. We didn't realize it was a task because of our ceilings yeah, because we have like we have pretty high ceilings, and every time I call it he was like, he was like for one light so, but what happened was okay.
Speaker 1:So I this is something I didn't know either we, um we had our ceilings redone, we got the entire house repainted like resurfaced um textures and everything. But when they did that to the house, that was the time we should have had the lights installed, because they already had the lights down the lights down. But they all, they had the what's the thing? They have to build the bridge they had to build the walk across the stilt or whatever. Anyway, the contraption that they had to build in our house to be able to get to our ceilings and to redo the walls and stuff like that.
Speaker 1:When that was built, that's when we should have had the lights. Because now that we've done all of the work on the inside and then, after that was done, now we're saying, OK, we want new lights and the bulk of the cost is coming from them. Having to build whatever it is the little contraption.
Speaker 3:The scaffolding. Yeah, that they have to do to get up there and then redo everything take everything down, because in my defense I put up everything I could do on like a regular 12-foot ladder I installed myself, like I installed the ceiling fans.
Speaker 1:Yeah, all that stuff looks great, yeah, but it's just like it's the modern, like we've brought everything up to date, like the painting's up to date, the resurfacing's up to date, yard's up to date, everything is up to date. There is legit two lights in my house.
Speaker 3:That's up to date.
Speaker 1:That is up to date. No, that's not up to date. Oh yeah, there's two lights, only two lights that are not up to date it's like you walk in and you're like, oh okay, this is nice, up to date, it's modern. And then you're like, oh, this is, this is a little character you know how people call old stuff character. This is so, this is. I like the little character that you guys mixed in with the modern but honestly like no we just never got around to it right honestly it'll be fine, yeah, I was gonna say, now that I'm thinking about it and talking about it, we should just go ahead and get it done.
Speaker 1:I feel like that we're both being kind of like being cheap.
Speaker 3:I'm looking for a handyman bye.
Speaker 1:No, because I also want it done like properly. I want it done right, let's get a handyman okay, anyway, yeah, but yeah, so that was your week. Oh no, you Um, but yeah, so that was your week. Oh no, you said you wanted to finish the thing I do have.
Speaker 3:I also haven't finished putting all the new outlets in the house either. Which ones haven't you finished? Like cause we cause the cause. We had the house painted right, so all the original outlets were that, those cream color outlets. So I I've been slowly but surely changing all the outlets to white outlets.
Speaker 1:Yeah, which ones didn't you change?
Speaker 3:I haven't done anything past the dining room, so the kitchen's not changed, the formal's not changed.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, the kitchen, and yeah, the kitchen and formal's. Oh, this one's changed.
Speaker 3:No, everything in this room that we're recording has changed. Oh yeah, that one's changed yeah and everything where we eat at has changed.
Speaker 1:Just everything Basically.
Speaker 3:No, because we still have that wood, one by the stairs.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, that's right, but that one doesn't really bother me because it matches the staircase.
Speaker 3:It bothers me so much.
Speaker 1:But it only bothers you because of the paint, like because of the color of the house, it bothers me so much. But it doesn't bother me too much because it matches the floors in the staircase, so it doesn't bother me, but I also be around here changing things while hitting switches.
Speaker 3:I just let the power run.
Speaker 1:Yeah, see, and that's exactly why I'd be like I would rather just pay the dime and call somebody out who's going to be safe.
Speaker 3:You know why?
Speaker 1:Because I don't want to walk.
Speaker 3:Because she ain't going to go out there and cut it off for me. Who me yeah?
Speaker 1:I will, if you ask me to. You ain't going, it seem like you be trying to make it seem like the thing is is you have this? Presumption that I can't do certain things, and so, therefore, I won't do certain things, or that I don't know, or that I'm not aware. You're like, you won't know what to turn off. I just you won't know? How do you know? You don't know what I know look here.
Speaker 3:All I know is, as long as I don't touch the exposed wire, I'm not gonna get shocked that's probably. That's probably not a true statement and I just don't want to touch the exposed wire.
Speaker 1:That's probably not a true statement. It is, and I'm going to have to consult an electrician.
Speaker 3:You can do all you want, but I'm not paying for that. I can do it myself. What we got today, babe, we're going to talk about 15 minutes about other stuff.
Speaker 1:I feel as though now this is kind of like right on point, because yeah, because you always be trying to downplay my, my greatness I'm never trying to downplay my greatness in this home I'm never trying to downplay your. I try to speak life and truth into you do you make it difficult at times.
Speaker 3:Are we lying today?
Speaker 1:absolutely, but nonetheless, it is a valid effort on my part. Um, we're going to start today's episode with a clip, are we? Because I really wanted to discuss this and I really wanted to get your feedback on it, because, you know, Is it a woman talking?
Speaker 3:Because it's probably two shits.
Speaker 1:Oh hush. Okay, you ready Whenever you're ready. Okay, Let me make sure the volume's up so you can actually hear. Not too long, okay.
Speaker 2:What would you say to women that maybe they see stuff that they want developed in their husband, but it's like it's not our job to correct them. It's God's job. Yeah, how do they handle that? Okay, so there's a king and a fool in every person, and the one you speak to is the one you will see emerge, oh, wow.
Speaker 2:So if I'm feeling like, oh, he's such a fool, he's so ignorant and he doesn't pray and he's not a spiritual leader and he doesn't care about Jesus like me which is all pride, what I just all said right there so now we're looking at him as a fool in our eyes, we see him as lesser than, and then we go address it. You're in trouble. You're absolutely in trouble. All you're doing is actually feeding all their fears, because they have fears just like we do, all their insecurities, just like we have insecurities. We're feeding all of that. So what the Lord told me was because I'm quick to act, that's just how I made that he says do not address him until you see him the way I see him this advice what are your thoughts about that?
Speaker 3:because I I really my well, my first question was how does god see me? Because that's that's that's gonna determine how you address me. First thought. But what she? I, I agree what she's saying. I'm a lot of times, and how you communicate will get you a more, uh, effective response or answer or quicker development than to come off like like like for us in general. Right, if you come across as nagging to me, I'm not going to move.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but we've we've had this discussion before.
Speaker 3:I'm not going to move.
Speaker 1:Because sometimes, sometimes, I can come to you in genuine concern or genuine suggestion and you just automatically have a defensive wall up in genuine concern or genuine suggestion and you just automatically have a defensive wall up and you take it as me nagging Because your face. How is it my face? What does that mean?
Speaker 3:That's not even Baby. I have been with you 20 plus years. Okay, you may be speaking calm, but your body language is not reflecting your voice.
Speaker 1:What does my body language say? Like right now, I'm like loose and I'm relaxed. Right now I'm trying to have a conversation with you.
Speaker 3:I'm talking about. In those instances in which you're talking about your body language, say you better be panting. I'm saying because I need you to correct this now.
Speaker 1:Well, no, it's not necessarily Okay. So there's some truth to that extent where I want you to hear me, but I also want you to understand that it's coming from a genuine place, it's not coming from a place of nagging. And so, for me, when I feel like I'm making the valid effort to come to you and to be genuine and to be mindful of the words that I speak to you, to be mindful of my tone with you, and you still are not taking it seriously or you're still not taking it into, account.
Speaker 3:It's not that I don't take it seriously.
Speaker 1:Then that kind of that stirs something within me where I'm just like OK, even when making a valid effort, you're still confuting, like my anger and my calmness together.
Speaker 3:OK, ok, let me. Let me. Let me address what you just said, right, so I can't speak for all men, but for me personally. This is what I do when you come to me with a concern or a complaint, I put it in the priority list, right, like now. It may not go to the top, it may go to spot five or six, but it's on the list, right. And then that's just how I process things. I am one of those guys where I do better when I'm singly focused.
Speaker 1:I can understand that that's right.
Speaker 3:So if you're coming to me about a complaint or about something you want me to do or change, if I don't necessarily see that as something that is more important as far as now, this is like relating to like tasks right, I'm not talking about behavior but if it's not like more important than the tasks I have working on at that moment, or because, like a lot of times, like you may ask me to do something, but what you want me to do is like it's not time-sensitive, but I'm already like trying to do something that is time-sensitive.
Speaker 1:Right, and you're going through your list. Right and you're going through your list Right.
Speaker 3:So that gets kicked down. That's why the to-do list is so goddamn long, because it's like well, this is something I want to do. I don't necessarily have to do. The things I have to do get done in the time. They have to be done right.
Speaker 3:But when it comes to behavior, I do try to address the behavior things out the gate, I try to be more mindful of them. But, again, behavior changes are something that you have to practice recognizing over the course of time. That's not something that I can just change immediately. That's something where I'm going to have to be outside myself in a moment to recognize oh, this is what she's talking about here. So slow down, right.
Speaker 3:So it's not that I don't listen to you, that are take you seriously. It's just that a lot of times I just I put in order and you know, a priority order of what needs to be done, based off what's going on in the moment, and a lot of times I can tell like which are body language. Sometimes things are like, really, really important to you, but they're just not that important to me, right, right. So then in that decision and that and those decisions I make the decision of, okay, well, do I just do it so she can be okay and then go back to whatever I'm doing. Or do I just say, okay, I'll take care of it. And so a lot of times I just say, okay, I'll take care of it and I may not take care of something it's normally done, like in at least 48 hours, right.
Speaker 1:And that's something that I can depend on.
Speaker 3:So it's like, if I say I'll take care of it, like I may not take care of it in that moment, but it's going to be, it's going to be, at the very least, addressed within 48 hours. Yeah, it's just like. Ok, so it's like I hear you.
Speaker 1:And now granted, I will say I have gotten better with hearing you because a lot of times when you come to me with the body language, and I'm like okay here we go. No, and I and I understand that. That's why. That's why when I when I saw the clip it, it resonated with me because I know that how, especially early on, how our like we never had terrible communication, but I'm speaking for me personally. I know how I could come across when engaging with you.
Speaker 2:I'm happy you said that.
Speaker 1:I don't want to necessarily say get you to move or get you to do what I want you to do, but it's more so like I guess, for a failure of better verbiage to get you to do what I need you to do or do what I want you to do. I can understand and I can see now that my approach has not always been the best and as we've matured and we've gotten older and, like you know, got a little bit more life experience and me wanting to take the initiative to understand that you know like what a relationship is and how I want to be in relationship with you, my communication also needed to get better and me also recognizing and knowing that I didn't come from a situation where I had an ideal model or a role model of how men and women communicate or how to speak to your husband or how your husband should speak to you. But I did start to recognize that sometimes the way I would come off, it would instantly put you in a bad mood or it would instantly like make your face turn up. And so before you know like even before this you know, obviously the clip, because this was prior to TikTok and all that it's something that I literally recognized in myself and was like, ok, if this is the result that you're trying to get him to do, then it starts with the approach.
Speaker 1:Right, it starts. It starts with the approach. So how you approach it is going to really determine the outcome most of the time. So that's why I try to say I do try to be intentional. Just like, for example small example, but an example when you started to become overwhelmed with doing the yard work right Prior to us coming together making a plan and getting the yard work done.
Speaker 1:I was on the phone with you. She wanted to go outside and play. The backyard was not to my standard, right, and like I've said before, I love our backyard. She loves our backyard and that should be a place that she can go all the time. Oh, that's beautiful man and the backyard was just not to the standard that it should have been, and in that moment I could feel how annoyed and angry I was, and I was directly annoyed and angry with you because your responsibility was the outside.
Speaker 1:I quite literally took a moment, calmed down and before I called you I asked you how your day was. We chatted up a little bit. My energy was good. I made sure to check my energy and I simply said hey, babe, I can see that you become overwhelmed with the yard because you've been working so much. Take the stress off of yourself. Let me try to find us a gardener and we'll just rework it back into the budget. Like it didn't come off.
Speaker 1:I was very mindful of not trying to be like coming at you with such negative energy and saying because originally, if I would have picked up the phone when I was feeling the way I was feeling when I went and looked at the backyard, I would've been like seriously, dude, like you said, you were going to take care of the yard. The yard is a mess. She can't, like I can. I know how I can get one size, so when I get on a roll, I know how I can get right. I was just like. It resonated so much with me because it is so truthful and it doesn't just apply with husbands and wives and speaking life into your husband, it also with your children, like speaking life into your children. And I, what do I always say? What you think about you, bring about. You speak your words to be your reality right your your.
Speaker 1:Your words become your reality. So if you're constantly harping negativity onto somebody because you're engaging with them, because of your own pride, you're only going to get more of the thing that you want them to correct.
Speaker 3:Right, and I was funny. You said that because I was thinking about a couple of days ago, like I came home and the night you had made me the turkey burger, mm came home and I was like here we go again. Like you know what, I want to be buying lunch. Gina cooked dinner today because her sister's here and now this is throwing everything off track and I said I'm not gonna know, my clothes are not done yet and I'm in my head. I'm like I walked in the house. I was in. I walked in the house, I looked around. I was immediately irritated. Did I mention that to you? I didn't say that to you at all. I was like, and on top of that, I was like all these people in my house and I'm trying to get some cut bye, it's a mail.
Speaker 3:I said I've been wanting my wife all week. Goodbye. I said they gotta go. I almost started handing out eviction notices around here. Goodbye, including your child. Goodbye because she was. She was blocking the most no, but but hold on.
Speaker 3:Oh sorry, go ahead but like, like I said, like in that instance I was like, okay, I'm not gonna. Like I kind of calmed down and then when you come up there, hey, babe, just want you know I need this, for can you at least give me this for the morning. And like you went through and you fall and you got it, but like again, well, I was doing. No, I was already yeah, in the process of doing it, so that's why I was like what do you mean?
Speaker 1:it wasn't right.
Speaker 3:I was literally in the process of doing it when I walked in, but okay but you know the time I get home, most of the time right, but like I've, I've, I've. Personally, I've matured. Matured to that point to where I could effectively communicate with you, and earlier, when you said, we always had good communication.
Speaker 1:I was, like I said, decent.
Speaker 3:Oh, decent, I said I didn't agree with that because early on I was not good at communicating with you at all.
Speaker 1:I meant, like you know, fairly good, not great, fairly good, but it was enough to get our points across. Were the points coming across with sincerity and love at all times no.
Speaker 3:No.
Speaker 1:But were the words being said?
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 1:Yes. So that's why I said fairly good, to the extent that we weren't holding on to things and blowing up at each other, but we also weren't in a space where we could have a heated disagreement but then also still go out to dinner and enjoy each other's company. A heated disagreement, but then also still go out to dinner and enjoy each other's company I think that's huge, because a lot of times people will get in a disagreement or an argument and it's like go your separate ways.
Speaker 1:We can get in a disagreement. It doesn't always happen that way, but we can get in a disagreement or an argument and then right back be like okay, you want to watch a movie and cuddle.
Speaker 3:So for me, what I can say is my communication got better in how I talked to you and deal with you once you got pregnant, and it's because when you were pregnant, my whole model was like I don't want to stress her. So I literally was like I'm not going to tell her bad news, I'm not going to argue with her, whatever she wants.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but that wasn't protecting me, you're just trying to protect your kid, right?
Speaker 3:but that's where it started. It was not about you, it was, it was about my child growing inside of you. So, but that's what I'm saying. That's where I started to, uh, communicate more effectively once you became pregnant, because before that it was like, well, I guess we're gonna just be in here throwing smoke, because we just gonna, I'm gonna say what I gotta say, you gonna say what you gotta say, and it, however it turns out, we might be mad at each other for a couple days, but we'll, we'll come back around. We'll come back around. I'll ask you if you wanna go get some food, and you gonna say yeah, and we gonna be back at 100.
Speaker 3:But to the point of the clip, she's a hundred percent right, you need to speak. Um, this, this is like again, what they say about, like speaking life into someone, right? She's basically saying, like you need to address all things in a manner in which you're speaking in life into the person, to motivate them so that you can achieve the outcome that you really want. So you got to put yourself in the position to where, um, you're uplifting them, even in times where there may be, you know, disconnection or lack of something. Yeah, you know what I mean, because you want them to be able to.
Speaker 1:You want them to be able to see what you see in them, but you want them to see it for themselves, right, right. So I know there has been times where I have expressed to you your potential in certain areas of your life, like when you, when you say things like you, would always say, man, if I could go back to being 20, I would do this.
Speaker 3:I would be different.
Speaker 1:I would, I would do this different and I would look at you and be like you're not that far removed from 20.
Speaker 3:I am you still have?
Speaker 1:you still have a lot, of, a lot of life. You know, to the knowledge that we have, which is not much, but just generally speaking, like you know the saying, you have your whole life ahead of you, but you have now and you have more resources than you did at 20 and you have more life experience than you did at 20, so really, and I also have more responsibility. You also have more responsibilities. That is correct that I responsibilities.
Speaker 3:That is correct, that I cannot.
Speaker 1:But in the same token, the way I see it, is the time. There's not going to be a better time than now to pursue and do those things that you think you are no longer able to do because of your age, because it would have been better to do in your 20s. But think about all the things you didn't have in your 20s. Right, but the thing you did have was ambition, listen, but the thing you did have was like the inspiration you had the ambition, the things like that.
Speaker 1:But now, yes, Well, not, but I'm just saying that, like if you're thinking about that now and how you think things would have been different had you taken a different route in your 20s.
Speaker 3:I think things would have been different. I just uh, if I actually was like on twitch while I was gaming but in any case, whatever it is, it's just I go for me.
Speaker 1:It's just like the thing with new year's resolutions, right? Yeah it's like whatever you think you can wait to the new year to do, you can do it now, right?
Speaker 1:there is there you can do it right now, like you don't have to wait until January 1st to start a new regimen. You don't have to wait till January 1st to, you know, start. Like that I'm always like. But if you would just either put yourself out there, take the little bit of risk or just, you know, just go for it. You never know what this could be.
Speaker 3:And it's like I tell you, it's hard to take a risk when I it's hard, I completely understand. I am responsible.
Speaker 1:I completely understand For the family. I understand.
Speaker 3:I can't, I will't, I will not take risks that would lead.
Speaker 1:I understand, but you're, but you're also, like I always say, you're also not in it by yourself. You're not in it by yourself, like you know what I'm saying, but I that's. That's why, like, I really wanted to just like touch base with you when I heard this clip, because I think it's so true and I think it's something.
Speaker 3:Well, you need to speak more life into me.
Speaker 1:Really, you can't take anything serious. You can't take anything serious.
Speaker 3:Y'all see how she was laughing. That's how I got her pants on. You can't take anything serious and I don't know you love it.
Speaker 1:I don't know what to do with you, um, but it it is the truth and I just like, just like with our child I do. I do try to be mindful with how I'm speaking with you, because men and women are very different, Right, especially when communication is involved, because just because you say something don't mean that's how I heard it and vice versa Right.
Speaker 1:Because I could say something super sweet and I think I'm being, you know, loving and I think I'm being soft and I think I'm being soft and I think I'm being gentle, and your ears did not hear any of that.
Speaker 3:I don't know.
Speaker 1:Your ears did not hear any of that, but I think it's also something that just takes practice, it takes time, it takes awareness and, like, if it's something that, like we're working at, I think, the judgment portion of it also has to be taken out. You know what I mean.
Speaker 3:And the grace portion. Well, I think judgment period in relationships should be taken out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but it's hard. I know it's hard. Yeah, because we're human, because we're human Right.
Speaker 3:I mean, I'm an Android, so what iPhone it was?
Speaker 1:hard yeah, because we're human, because we're human Right.
Speaker 3:I mean, I'm an Android, so what an iPhone.
Speaker 1:This has been another episode of Because I, because I don't, I just don't know what to do with these sometimes.
Speaker 3:You know, people say they're Martians. I wouldn't want to be, I'd be like. I want to be like. What do you call people from Jupiter? Jupiterians, that's what I would be a Jupiterian, Because I got the rings.
Speaker 1:Because you got what.
Speaker 3:The rings.
Speaker 1:Because you got the rings. Okay, babe. I don't even know what that means. I don't, you'll get it. You lost me on that one, you'll get it. You lost me on that one.
Speaker 3:I swear, my wife is smart.
Speaker 1:Are you talking about for the planet? Because the planet, the rings. That's what I thought you were talking about Wait.
Speaker 3:Saturn has rings.
Speaker 1:That's what I thought you were talking about, but I couldn't be for certain. Yeah, so what do you think about that?
Speaker 3:I think it was.
Speaker 1:I think I think you need to speak life into me more and I will speak more life into you we'll make a valid effort I don't know about valid we'll make a valid effort we'll make a commendable effort we'll make a commendable effort to speak life to continue to speak life into each other, one another and our child and try to set plant seeds and grow them. I don't know about that. Okay, All right, let's hop into our two cents. Okay, so let's see Our two cents. Listen to this one babe.
Speaker 1:Okay, wife has asked to open the marriage and I asked for a divorce. I'm wondering if I've jumped the gun or have been reasonable here. We've been married for 12 years now. Things have always been great, without any particular up or down. My wife has always been kind, sweet and a gentle woman. Up until this I thought the world of her and then she went and broached the talk about opening our marriage. What if we consider opening up the marriage? Because all her friends did it? And it's 2024.
Speaker 1:I didn't get angry or anything like that, I just listened and offered my counters. I asked her if her friends are influencing her into something like this and she said no. I asked if she already had someone in mind and she said no. I asked her to give me some time to think about it and she agreed, stating we don't have to do it. If I didn't want to or if I wasn't up to it, I shouldn't have. But in the days after I checked her phone and her laptop, nothing suspicious or that suggests she was cheating already Last week I told her that I had thought about it and in my opinion she can date anyone she wants, because now I want a divorce.
Speaker 1:Cue the sobbing, the begging and the. If I knew this would happen, I wouldn't have even asked. She refuses to move out, and so do I, so I choose to sleep in the guest room. She's taken sick leave from her work and every time I'm home she keeps begging to talk to me and to go back to our bedroom with her. I believe that her friends actually tried to influence her and she didn't do anything at all, but this unraveled my perception of her. Was I too fast to mention divorce? Yes, yes.
Speaker 3:I agree yeah, you, you were um. I agree and I do believe that she's been influenced of course um because everybody is, if we're on social media and I can also see how this could be like devastating to him, like especially like if you really love your wife, and it's like it's almost, it's almost. It's like it's like she's telling him by asking this question you're not enough for me.
Speaker 1:You think so?
Speaker 3:Yes, this is my take. This is my take. Okay, I know I know the comments may be different, whatever, but it's almost like this is what. This is probably how he received it, because when you're pouring your all because it seemed like they didn't have issues, right? Yeah Well, he didn't say they had any issues, right?
Speaker 3:Um, and like she doesn't have any complaints, and now, like, obviously she regretted and I I do think that it was strictly influenced from her friends, because, you know, her friends are probably telling her all these great stories of how they're having these great times with these other partners or whatever, and he's just not that type of man. You know what I'm saying? Like he's the, I mean he's, I mean like I mean like I'm not, I don't, I will never agree to share my wife with anyone, right? Like she's my wife, right, I'm her husband. I'm not going to share myself with anyone else, right?
Speaker 3:So it's like, and that see that that very question be hurt, be hurtful, be hurtful. But I do think, like I don't think that divorce should be the main answer. I think I would probably have a conversation, I would continue to have conversations and get to the bottom of this. I don't see an issue with him sleeping in separate rooms, because if that's how he feels like he needs the space, yeah, because you know that that's how he feels like you have to honor, you have to respect that. But yeah, I don't. I don't think divorce should.
Speaker 1:I'm not saying that it won't lead to divorce, I'm just saying I don't think that should be the first thing right, I mean I, I I agree with that. I also think that she might have brought it up too because she's been on social media. Everyone likes likes to throw out it's 2024. Like, these are things we're not dealing with. These are the things we can do that are socially acceptable. And on some level, she was probably thinking if this is something that I have thought about, this might have been something he has thought about Then she should have phrased it.
Speaker 3:This is why phrasing things, the phrasing of things, matter. If that was her line of thinking, she should have said hey, babe, have you ever thought about right yeah? And then say, no, I'm not thinking about it, I'm just trying to see if you're satisfied in our current arrangement, right, right. That's why the wording and how you answer things matter and how you approach it.
Speaker 1:I absolutely agree. But, yes, I do think that you're jumping the gun to asking for a divorce. I can understand when you say that your perception of her has been a little diminished, but again, like you said, I think that warrants for more of a conversation. Yes, where is it coming from? If your friends aren't influencing this? Where did this idea come from? Is what I'm saying Like? And what about me?
Speaker 3:gave you the impression that I would even consider it and they said you've been married 12 years, right, so it's like we've been together this time. Have I ever indicated to you that this is the kind of lifestyle?
Speaker 1:I want yes, or given you any type of idea.
Speaker 3:So like do you really know me at all?
Speaker 1:Yeah, that too. But yeah, I definitely think you're jumping the gun with the divorce. I think it warrants for a conversation. If you feel like the need to not sleep in your marital bed for a time, then okay, so be it.
Speaker 3:I used to do that. I did that for different reasons.
Speaker 1:But you need to have a conversation, like you owe it that much at least a conversation.
Speaker 3:Okay, and like my homey future said, all these hoes for the streets, okay.
Speaker 1:Next one.
Speaker 3:Stick to the strip.
Speaker 1:Next one. Am I the asshole or the a-hole? Am I the a-hole for marrying my ex-wife's boss? That's some savage shit. My ex-wife and I that's some savage shit. My ex-wife and I were married for a decade. We have two kids together.
Speaker 1:I only met her boss face-to-face once before my divorce. Afterwards I met her in a club. My buddy and I were trying to game women for some one-night stands and she was there with some friends. I decided to talk to them and we kind of hit it off. She talks to them and we kind of hit it off. She's a very sweet woman and has been very supportive to my ex-wife.
Speaker 1:My ex-wife has been playing victim a lot and she is surprised that I'm not in the oh her boss and she's surprised that I'm not the man with horns that my ex-wife had told her about. We've been dating for the past two years and we plan to marry this year. I finally talked to my ex-wife about moving in my fiance and introducing her to our kids. My wife has been crying and refusing to let my kids meet her. I told her that it's not her choice anymore. She wants me to break up and marry another woman. She has even sent me photographs and text messages of her friends who are single. I have enforced the only call if emergency rule in our relationship because I don't like the drama Advice. You started the drama.
Speaker 3:You are the drama. You can't sit here and say I don't like the drama, but you're dealing with our boss. Come on now.
Speaker 1:I mean okay.
Speaker 3:He the drama.
Speaker 1:Now hear me out.
Speaker 3:I'm not saying he wrong.
Speaker 1:Okay, I was going to say but just hear me out, because I think it's. I think it's one of those conversations too, Like if your friend and their partner were to break up. Would it be wrong of you to date their partner? Yes, their ex-partner?
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 1:Okay. Some people will say, that's not the same, because it's like friends.
Speaker 3:No, that's guy code. That's guy code, okay. No, I get that. I'm not saying I disagree.
Speaker 1:I do get that. So in this instance, where it's like my, it's my boss. So if it's my boss, you and I break up, you don't see anything wrong with you dating my boss Me? Yeah, no At all.
Speaker 3:At all.
Speaker 1:Why.
Speaker 3:Because she's not your friend, she's your boss.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but what if we're friends outside of work?
Speaker 3:Then that's different.
Speaker 1:Like because I've always been friends with my bosses.
Speaker 3:Well then that's like if you guys were close, then that's different.
Speaker 1:Okay, but what if we were close to my standards, but not close as for?
Speaker 3:your standards, then that's, it's different.
Speaker 1:Okay. It's different so how are you so? What's your standard of being close? To somebody to come, but then, but then like.
Speaker 3:But then like I like, like I told you earlier, like I got, I kind of felt like the the boss was already like looking at him right and just like waiting for her chance I think I think the perception that the boss had drew for um, that the ex-wife drew for the boss, like, of course, she was probably been painting her ex-husband in the worst light.
Speaker 1:Then the boss meets the ex-husband and has a completely different experience with him. Like he said, I'm not the man with the horns that my ex-wife made me out to be, and now it's because there's such a stark difference between the two, you know, between the two. Now she's even more attracted to him, right, and now it's just like can't help how things played out.
Speaker 1:Like this was just a really nice man that I met at a club once, that I met once before, who so happened to be my subordinate's ex-husband, and I have no loyalty to like to you because you know, you're know, you're just my subordinate. So long story short, you don't think it's wrong? I know I don't, okay. I mean I think I'm with you on that, to be honest.
Speaker 3:To me it's like if it was like it's wrong, if it was like her best friend or like a close friend, like if it was somebody she hung out with on a regular. Yeah, that's like, like you, you pushing the line right, and at the same time, the wife been going to work this, because this is what a lot of women do they'll talk to anybody that will listen, and so she's been going to work talking to her boss.
Speaker 3:Giving her boss the game plan? Yeah, giving her. Giving her everything, the yeah, giving her everything she needs, the play-by-play Everything she needs.
Speaker 1:That's why you got to be careful who you talk to out here, you got to keep your relationship private.
Speaker 3:You out here trying to, you know, talk about your problems to everybody. You're giving somebody the playbook.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I got to be careful. Who y'all talk to? Everybody is not your friend. Guess what's in the playbook? Everyone is not. Let me get closer to the mic.
Speaker 3:Everyone is not your friend, and if you tell me your problems, I'm going to tell my wife, because I tell her everything.
Speaker 1:Bye.
Speaker 3:Marie, I'm going to tell my wife. I'm going to tell my wife. If I know, my wife know. And don't get it twisted. If she know, I know Because she's going to tell me too.
Speaker 1:I don't tell him nothing, okay. Y'all believe that if y'all want to, but rest assured the secret stops here. It's like you can tell me I'm not going to tell anybody but my wife.
Speaker 3:But after that.
Speaker 1:And you know she's good. Look, she good Cause, she, good Cause she good, nobody else will know. Nobody else will know she ain't going to say nothing, cause she good.
Speaker 3:Now if you was over there speaking life into your husband.
Speaker 1:Bye. Okay, this has been another episode of Life After I Do Podcast. I'm your host, nisha G, here with my co-host, my amazing husband. He's a good man, savannah. If you're not doing so already, you can follow us on our social media platforms on Facebook.
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