With a sprinkle of humor and a dash of reality, we candidly tackle topics like the infamous seven-year itch and the art of understanding love languages. We open up about the personal growth it takes to align with your partner's changing needs and how stepping into others shoes for a day was as eye-opening as it was exhausting.
With a sprinkle of humor and a dash of reality, we candidly tackle topics like the infamous seven-year itch and the art of understanding love languages. We open up about the personal growth it takes to align with your partner's changing needs and how stepping into others shoes for a day was as eye-opening as it was exhausting.
You can't talk your problems away. You have to like. You can sit here and tell me everything you don't like about me, right? Nothing's going to change unless I change.
Speaker 2:Right, hey everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Life After I. Do A podcast about real marriage topics, conversations and relationships.
Speaker 1:And that. Thing.
Speaker 2:I am your host, nisha G, and I'm here with my husband of eight years today. Molito, mol, molito. Happy anniversary, babe.
Speaker 1:Happy anniversary.
Speaker 2:Oh, okay, so now, okay, so you want to wait Till the camera starts rolling To try to like Be all, like downplaying your Happy anniversary, baby?
Speaker 1:Friend, where have you been?
Speaker 2:Nobody knows me like you do. That's my boo. Yes, today is our eight-year wedding anniversary. But we've been together two decades I feel like there should have been like a round of applause. You should have played like a round of applause.
Speaker 1:Oh, I think I got you. Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Speaker 2:Yes, thank you, thank you. Oh wow, you didn't have to like, like, go off on somebody.
Speaker 1:Giddy gunshots.
Speaker 2:Yes, nobody knows me so happy eight year anniversary Happy anniversary, babe.
Speaker 1:I mean, it's like to me it's going to sound weird saying this, but it's a wedding anniversary. It's not a big deal to me because we've been together 22 years.
Speaker 2:I mean that doesn't mean it's not a big deal though I mean it's just another notch in the belt.
Speaker 1:I mean I count, you say eight. I say we're going on 22. We got 22 years of struggle yeah, but it has not been 22 years of struggle, I mean not every year hasn't been struggle, but we've only been on paper for eight, but we've been committed we've been committed like socially, socially committed, committed for the past we've been common law since 04.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, that's not true, and I don't even think common law exists anymore in California, and when it did, to my understanding, it was like 10 years. So then that would have made us common law in 12. In 12, yeah, 2012,. If that was still a thing.
Speaker 1:But you count them 10 years. It don't matter, I've been holding you down since 2002. Okay, since.
Speaker 2:October 1st of 2002.
Speaker 1:Funny story and you've been leaning against me.
Speaker 2:Funny thing really and I think we've talked about this before we had actually started dating a little bit before.
Speaker 1:We're not doing that now.
Speaker 2:We had started dating a little bit before we're not doing that now. We had started dating a little bit before we don't count middle school years no, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about, like, the date. Like the 10-01-02. It was like off by like a couple of dates but I was just like, no, we're gonna stick to 10-01 because I wanted to keep this late, but it was really okay and you didn't remember to keep this late, but it was really okay and you didn't remember anyway, but it's actually plus two days.
Speaker 1:So it's 10.03? No oh it was in September yes, so it's plus two days we can't have no Virgo relationship. I'm gonna act like I didn't hear nothing we've talked about that before whatever.
Speaker 2:10-0-1-0-2 yeah, that's for the past 20 years. 10-0-1-0-2 22 this year yeah, the the year and the month is. That's perfect. The year is definitely like the year, so, but yeah, so have you been feeling like? Did you wake up like thinking like, oh my gosh, I'm eight years in?
Speaker 1:I woke up this morning Just hoping my daughter had a better day. Facts I just wake up every day and say I hope she's not on some BS this morning. That is my morning Every morning. I just hope Phoenix is not on.
Speaker 2:You just don't know what version you're going to get. Sometimes you just don't know. But she did. So it's so funny, because the other night you were like, excuse me, kind of getting over a little something, guys. But the other night you were like, oh, you slept in your bed all night and she was like, yep, I sure did, dad and I looked at both of you and I was like, really, so who was that that came and woke me up on my bedside at 1am, like, and then what she does is she comes in now and she comes in to drink my nighttime water.
Speaker 2:I do give her nighttime water, but she finishes it. So, like she finishes it before she goes to bed, she'd be dry, um. So she gets up in the middle of the night and then all I hear is my, my cup like rattling because it has, like the ice in it oh, so she didn't wake you up, she was just drinking water no, she woke me up, she drank the water and then she always taps me like this, because I always tell her not to wake you up.
Speaker 2:So she tries not to like make noise. So she just taps me until until, like, I start slowly coming up out of my sleep Like and it's not like a tap where she's like she'll tap and be like oh, damn, okay, mom, is like sleep, let me. Let me let go ahead and go. She wakes me up for me to tell her to go get back in her bed and then she goes.
Speaker 2:I love you mom and I'm like you woke me up for that, like last night I stayed up, you guys. She went to bed at 8 32 last night. Right after that you went to sleep. So, of course, naturally, I was up till midnight. So I'm in the bed and it's like 12, like 1210 or something like that, and now I'm finna like actually start winding down. So I like plug in my iPad, plug in my cell phone, I'm turning off my uh um nightstand light.
Speaker 2:Soon, as I turned that light off, all I hear is little feet making their way to our bedroom. She walks in, she's scratching your head and you know when she's like in that at um sleep, where she's like sleep, but she's not sleep, like she's kind of like in that daze. So I could see it on her eyes and I was like she's low-key, like sleepwalking a little bit. But she comes in, she's scratching her head, she comes over to my nightstand like clockwork, she drinks my nighttime water and then she already sees me and then she goes as she's scratching her head and she's like mom, and I was like what, phoenix? I need to tell you something. I was like what phoenix? I said phoenix, don't get back in the bed. I. I was like I love you, I love you. And she just walks back home, gets back in the bed, but she's making progress.
Speaker 2:She has done like this past. What has it been like three?
Speaker 1:weeks. This is week three.
Speaker 2:Like three weeks she has done phenomenal, like when I tell you she kicked you out the other night.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:She asked for him to do uh reading and I'll never read to her again. That's why I told her this feeling.
Speaker 1:That's why I told her no last night oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:Okay, so you go in, and right now we're reading harry potter and the goblet of fire, I think it is or whatever? Yes so she reads, she reads to you, and then you go to read to her, and what does she say?
Speaker 1:She says I'm like I'm like four pages in by this now. And she's like dad, mom reads like two or three pages, four at most. I'm like okay, well, you're not asleep, I'm on page four or five right now. So then I proceed to read like two more pages and she's like that's enough. Good night, dad.
Speaker 2:I said she was like you're dismissed.
Speaker 1:That's enough.
Speaker 2:That's enough, dad, you're doing too much.
Speaker 1:So that's why last night, when she was like dad, can you read to me? I said absolutely not.
Speaker 2:And you know how many pages I read.
Speaker 1:Two.
Speaker 2:I read like two and a half pages and when I looked up she was cold out.
Speaker 1:Every time I looked at her like she was asleep, she'd open her eyes and I kept reading, but at the same time I just said you know, my voice is not as smoothing.
Speaker 2:No, but you know what it is too Okay. So like when you see her kind of like doing that dozy off thing, you can stop right then, because I used to read to her, and only until she fell asleep. But then as soon as I stopped, like the silence would wake her up. But if she's in that in-between state where she really can't even hold her eyes open, but she knows that you're still there, but like, and you want to keep reading till she actually goes to sleep, stop reading, turn the lights off, don't say anything unless she calls you back, and she'll eventually just be like I'm just gonna give up because I'm so tired I can't even keep my eyes open.
Speaker 1:so she just like, eventually just, and then she's out last time I gave up, I chose to protect me and my feelings, because my child hurts my feelings I was just gonna say you let her hurt your feelings, so she hurts my feelings.
Speaker 2:So bad all the time and I can understand it, Like when she says things like oh, daddy, I love you, and then she came over to me and said mom, I love you more. Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:I said then go to Disneyland.
Speaker 2:Bye, she's obsessed with you.
Speaker 1:It don't matter, it don't matter, she's obsessed with you. I can go out right now buy her something, hand it to her. She's like oh, when did mommy get this for me?
Speaker 2:Oh well, that was kind of like yesterday when we got she needed a new lunch pail and a new water bottle, so we stopped and we got her a lunch pail and a water bottle. And as soon as we got in the car, she got in the car and she was like oh my gosh, mom, it's so cute. Where did you get it? Thanks, mom, you're the best. I was like thanks you know, I got I wasn't gonna pass up that you know what I got, dad?
Speaker 2:you got something to eat she's like you got something for me see I'm hungry, you got no respect you got something for me, see, but she goes to you for nourishment she goes to me.
Speaker 1:she comes to you for nourishment, she comes to me for things that cost money.
Speaker 2:Bye. Whose fault is that?
Speaker 1:Her mother's? No, it's yours, because her mother comes to me for things that cost money.
Speaker 2:That is absolutely your fault. How was your week, though, babe? That was about Phoenix. How was your week? You individually?
Speaker 1:Uneventfulful, I mean just mentally fighting myself mentally every day what do you find yourself mentally about?
Speaker 2:about not being a deadbeat is the temptation to be a deadbeat that that strong?
Speaker 1:it's strong, it's strong is it? Cause I was like man I can live out my car, I get at least two of my paychecks, I for sure eat good. I can shower at the gym Like if I just detach myself from all this burden.
Speaker 2:If you just go get some milk, huh.
Speaker 1:That's it. Never come back.
Speaker 2:Babe, I'll be right back, Dang, that's a whole, nother level. You can't serve me if you can't find me oh, babe, you'll still be collecting a paycheck, will I? Yeah, you will, you just said so. You just said, oh, I could live off two of my paychecks, like yeah, you do you really think they will let you keep collecting your paychecks? I would Okay, you'll still collect them. They'll just be deducted.
Speaker 1:Under my new name.
Speaker 2:That's not how that works. That's not how that works.
Speaker 1:I'm going to get rid of my slave name.
Speaker 2:Okay, bye. Anyway, I do want to say that we did start the day off really good. On our anniversary day we got up. That's not what we did. My gosh, why are you? You're being weird, anyway, got up this morning. Got up this morning. It actually wasn't a bad morning with the little today. She didn't do terrible, she was really good today.
Speaker 1:She didn't do great either.
Speaker 2:No, but she didn't do terrible. We were able to get our workout in together. Anytime we're able to work out together, I mean, it's my favorite. I don't know how you feel about it Workout. Damel, please stop that. We went to the gym.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we did, we worked out.
Speaker 2:No, we went to the gym. Don gym, don't, don't do that. We didn't, we didn't. We went to the actual gym. We did an actual workout, like actual workout with gym equipment. Okay, I hate when, when you do that, you're trying to like insinuate something else, what that's not what happened we have a child okay, I'm just saying, but that's not what we are both. Why are you this way? We are both approaching. Why are you this way?
Speaker 1:40 they know what grown folks do why are you this way? What if I wasn't?
Speaker 2:you wouldn't know who I was anyways, we had a really great workout did we did we though you're so annoying sometimes, this is what we're gonna get into today, guys. So Did we, though You're so annoying sometimes. This is what we're going to get into today, guys. So, ed, you know.
Speaker 1:Hold on, I take it, your week was good.
Speaker 2:My week was good.
Speaker 1:That's good.
Speaker 2:My week was good. I had we hung out with friends.
Speaker 1:That was fun, that's a lot of notes you got over here I just like to reference.
Speaker 2:We hung out with friends and, you know, did the usual with the schedule. That's about the weekend.
Speaker 1:I don't want to say no about the weekend.
Speaker 2:I thought you would say something about the weekend, but it's cool. Well, let me finish. Like we hung out with friends, we went through the usual with the little. We were able to have our anniversary dinner at one of our favorite restaurants.
Speaker 1:Got that lobster bisque.
Speaker 2:Yes, if you guys are ever in the downtown Riverside area, go to the Mission Inn and visit Dwayne's Seafood and Steakhouse inside the Mission Inn in downtown Riverside.
Speaker 1:Make sure your checkbook open.
Speaker 2:So so good. They have some of the best lobster bisque. It's so bomb.
Speaker 1:Oh, and the the crab cakes are fire too, when they have.
Speaker 2:Yeah when they have them, that's, I don't even want to talk about it, um, but what did we try for the first time?
Speaker 1:the tenderloin you're gonna stop poking me with this sorry, the tenderloin tips yes is that what it was. Yeah, the tenderloin tips were really good I mean, I ain't had nothing that was bad there, personally right same.
Speaker 2:I can, I can, I can attest to that same, but yeah, so we had a really really nice um anniversary dinner. Shout out to my mom for taking care of her half shot goodbye and yeah.
Speaker 2:Then we had, like, we spent time together the next day. We had a great brunch together, just quality time. I feel like now, as we are getting older, especially like in our marriage, how we view quality time together is a little bit more different. Like us, getting time alone in any capacity is rare, so I feel like it holds more weight and value and it's something we really genuinely look forward to.
Speaker 1:Let me tell y'all something, people All I ever really want is to be alone with my wife, yeah same. Without no distractions, no kid, no problems, like just me and my wife living our life, yeah same that's it that's same but I just felt like it doesn't even before. I just I just got. I just have a new saying what I. I'm sorry Telling you, phones off, clothes off, but they will put in work.
Speaker 2:Why are you this way? Why are you this way? Which phones off clothes with your toes all in the camera. That's fine, I'm at home. But yeah, I just feel like I know before, like we would always try to like, plan and like make sure we go here and go there and spend a weekend here, and although that's really nice and we even tried to make plans to get away this past weekend but timing was not good- Somebody's scared.
Speaker 2:But even when we are able to have like a little quote unquote staycation with each other, if it's just us, it's just enough. Hey, I got a new saying.
Speaker 1:What is it?
Speaker 2:If it's just us, it's just enough. And that thing, oh my gosh. Ok, I'm going to put that on the shirt.
Speaker 1:You know we've been pretty lucky. This is the first year where Easter has fallen on our anniversary weekend. Yeah, and kind of ruined it.
Speaker 2:Bye Kind of ruin it it inflated all the prices everywhere. Oh gosh, I can't.
Speaker 1:Cause we should have took a flight.
Speaker 2:But yeah, but you know, like I'm just really happy that we have made it to year eight and I'm really grateful to have made it to year eight.
Speaker 1:Cause you're seven it didn't.
Speaker 2:It didn't come without its ups and downs, it didn't come without some some bruises on the knees. But you know, like I'm I'm really grateful that like we're here, like, and it went so fast. That's the thing about it. It like went super, super duper fast, fast, so kind of like in the honor of our eight year marriage. I wanted to talk to you a little bit about what is called the seven year itch. Since we've gotten over the seven year, we're now into the eight year. Yeah, basically, um, so I know that you weren't all that familiar with what the seven year itch was.
Speaker 1:Because I don't be paying attention to these terms. Y'all wouldn't be making up.
Speaker 2:But but OK, well, just FYI is something that started in the 1950s. It's not anything that's really new.
Speaker 1:It's like a real I bet it was made by a woman.
Speaker 2:Anywho it comes from. So the seven year itch. It was initially popularized during the 1950s, right, and it comes from the concept of because couples were, um unable to live together prior to marriage, all of the things that you know. Relationships go through the ups and downs getting familiar with the person, getting to know a person's habits, and everything would happen in the marriage, because the first time you would technically be with your husband or be with your wife was once you guys were married and that's when you would start living together, unlike today where people cohabitate together regardless if they're married or not.
Speaker 2:So you're able to kind of see a lot of those habits and traits and things of each other, but during that time that wasn't a thing. So what they were, what they were starting to realize, is that all of the ups and downs that marriages would go through by the time couples would get to like year seven that was like the, the height of where the most issues were like coming to a head like the boiling point of like marriage was like year seven. So some of the symptoms they said of the seven year itch are a lack of physical and emotional intimacy, poor communication, increased conflicts like arguing and hurtful words and criticism of each spouse, keeping secrets from your spouse double check not spending or any meaningful time together.
Speaker 1:Triple check.
Speaker 2:And taking one another for granted and feeling unappreciated.
Speaker 1:All the time.
Speaker 2:Right. So really shit, really Stop Stop all the time. But when you break it down to some of those reasons, you can see why some people, especially over the course of seven years being in cohabitation with a person before you start living with someone even whatever disagreements you have, they're still not what a disagreement looks like in a marriage because, especially if you both can go your separate ways, your, your lives are not intertwined in the same way or in the same capacity, as opposed to being married and being in the same household and like doing day to day with each other, right. So I just thought it was really interesting because then it started making me reflect on our own marriage and like how we had this conversation at dinner the other night when we were just kind of like reflecting on the times that we've had together and how our relationship started and how things were in the beginning.
Speaker 1:The evolution.
Speaker 2:Right and the evolution of our marriage.
Speaker 1:So things were in the beginning the evolution and the right and the evolution of our marriage. So much better than beginning.
Speaker 2:Of course endorphins are firing off. It's like everything is kind of heightened. It's new.
Speaker 1:I think the excitement, the what. Nobody's calling you mom.
Speaker 2:Nobody's calling you mom, um, but the newness and the excitement is what kind of like hooks and baits you and then, once you get further and further and further and further along, like all the shiny pretty things, start to kind of dull down a little bit and then you start stripping yourself of not stripping.
Speaker 1:Why are you like this?
Speaker 2:you know what I mean start stripping on the pole no, not that type of stripping, but anyway. You start being stripped down in a way where your vulnerabilities come out, like your shortcomings are a little bit more visible to your partner. You know what I mean. And then you gotta get to a point where you, I feel like you start evaluating and reevaluating your, your own self in your own life, to see like if this person is worth going through all of these changes yeah you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:So I just kind of wanted to talk a little bit about like the symptoms of the seven year itch and get like your perspective.
Speaker 1:Well, I mean, when you were reading that list off, I was like this all to me sounds like it just sounds like a lack of non-judgmental conversations.
Speaker 2:What do you?
Speaker 1:mean if you're able to have conversations and express yourself and your concerns without without there being any judgment involved or without there and what your partner actively listening to you, you know and not passively listening to you. I feel like a lot of those things wouldn't happen if you just have the hard conversations, cause a lot of times things go unsaid in that that's when you allow things to fester and that's when things like that get to the issue, to where you don't get over the seven-year hump. I just feel like all that, when you list that whole list off with the seven-year itch, what that entails. It just seems like lack of communication was the key to that.
Speaker 2:Okay, so for instance, when we talk about a lack of physical or emotional intimacy, right?
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:So how do you get through, like, let's say, for instance, you're being vulnerable, you're being honest, you're having the hard conversation and you have expressed what your needs are, right, okay, you just said that it sounds like there's just like a lack of conversation. What if the conversation has been had but no change has been happening?
Speaker 1:well, again I say the conversation is just a start.
Speaker 2:Okay, there has to be actions after the conversation right there has to be effort right, I know, I know you can't talk your problems away.
Speaker 2:You have to like you can sit here and tell me everything you don't like about me right that nothing's going to change unless I change right and I and I know for us when you know don't say for us, say for you, don't speak for me, please well, I'm talking about us as as a couple and I'm in within it, so I'm just gonna say us, um, when we have gone through and experienced um lack of, like, emotional or physical intimacy, we've had those conversations right.
Speaker 2:He's had conversations with me about where he feels like there's a lack of physical, or I've had a conversation with him about the lack of emotional and mine was like the spending time, us having better conversations, not just you, you know, on the fly conversations, but like real deep thought conversations, because that was one of the things that attracted to me, attracted me to um you in the first place, was the type of conversations that we could have and I always felt like you didn't give me grace, because it's like after 20 years, how many more deep conversations could we have?
Speaker 2:I feel like you know, know you know so much about me no, because let's deep dive into why I chose this color underwear because you are still growing as a human being and you are still like changing and coming into and living up to the the type of man that you want to be and those changes is what I'm interested in knowing the behind the scenes of those changes.
Speaker 2:I'm interested in knowing about your thought process on the new journeys that you're taking for yourself in life. I'm interested to know about I'm going to tell you. I know you do tell me.
Speaker 2:I'm going to tell you, you know, I'll tell you everything you know what I mean, but I think it's it's important to I don't tell you everything. You know what I mean, but I think it's important to have those conversations, like you said, the hard conversations, because that's how we move forward and that's how we're able to take care of the relationship Right, because you want to get the best out of your marriage, just like you want to bring the best into your marriage. Or the best of that day.
Speaker 2:I'm going to make a shirt that says why are you want to bring the best into your marriage or the best of that day? I'm going to make a shirt, this is where you like this but yeah, so I mean you want, you want to be able to bring your best self into your marriage and you want to be able to get the best out of your marriage. Right, and that comes with having the tough conversations. That comes with, um, not trying to be better just for yourself, but also for your partner. Right, and trying to focus on your partner and not just yourself.
Speaker 2:And that was a conversation that we had had before, too, about if you focused on like, if you, if you took a portion of what your focused on, like, if you, if you took a portion of what your, your partner was, um, feels like they were missing from the relationship and you focused on trying to please your partner and your partner focused on trying to please you. There's not usually a lot of room left for there to be this feeling of like. I don't feel like I'm getting what I need. Yeah, right, but on the same token, it's. I feel like it's the consistency too.
Speaker 1:Let me say this, this point I know as men it's it's very hard to continue to do something when you feel like it's not being reciprocated. And I used to always ponder this like cause I've tried everything. I was like, okay, well, I'm just not going to do it. But when I would stop doing the things that I would do, that I would want her to reciprocate and then make her do the things. It's just neither one of us were doing it Right. And then if I go have the conversation I can say well, like well, no, because I stopped doing it. I can't say, well, I need you to do this the way I do this for you, but now I've stopped. So it took me years to understand that all I can control like really understand this it's. It's a very simple concept. Concept all I can control is what I do, and if I put my best foot forward in all that I do, then I can mention to her where I feel she's lacking or where I feel like she needs to meet me at. And now I have the work that I've put in and the efforts that I place every day as backup to my words, because now what I'm saying is not some hypothetical thing that I used to do or that I would do if she would do this. What I'm saying is that now I'm saying I do this for you. I do X, y and Z. I need you to do A, b and C so that I can feel appreciated doing X, y and Z.
Speaker 1:And I think, as a man, it took me a while to understand that, because we used to go through these patches where I would just stop doing certain things, like, well, I mean, I'm not getting what I want, why would she get what she wanted? That was literally my mentality, and so I had to literally learn to have these hard conversations. And then a lot of times I noticed like, okay, when I brought it to her attention, you know, things would change, because she, logically, she'd be like, okay, well, he's right, cause he is doing X, y and Z, it wouldn't, wouldn't hurt for me to do A, b and C. And I think that's something that a lot of men don't really think about, cause I know as man, it's kind of like, well, if I'm not gonna benefit from it, I'm just gonna stop, but you can't take, I don't think you can take that approach when it comes to, um, your marriage yeah, um, I, I want to touch on also, like I said, no, just wait I want to touch on um oh, touch about stop it.
Speaker 2:Stop it. I want to touch on something you were talking about too, about, like, um, how you were doing the things and you, you felt like I wouldn't be doing the things or you thought that would make me want to do the things. One of the things that we have talked about and continue to talk about is, um, loving each other, how each other perceives love. Right, what I had noticed, what he was doing.
Speaker 1:That's another concept.
Speaker 2:Yes, what I had noticed, what he was doing and especially when he brought it, like when he brought his concerns to my attention is he was trying to love me the way he perceived love. He was trying to love me the way he perceived love and for me it's like but that that's like. You know, that's not, that's not a thing for me. You know what I'm saying. That's how, that's how you view, that's how you view love. So you were doing all of the things that you want it done for you or to you, in the expectation that that would encourage me to do those things right a lot of time.
Speaker 1:It's not. It's not.
Speaker 2:They didn't those things didn't translate to me the way that they would translate to you, they didn't line up yeah, they didn't line up because that that wasn't my perception of love, that's not how I feel love. So every time you did certain things, it was like, oh okay, that was nice, just yeah, that's. You did certain things.
Speaker 1:It was like oh okay that was nice.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's, that's quite literally how it was. Then his feelings would get hurt because he didn't get the reaction out of me that he was expecting to get, and it's like because this is something that would put a smile on your face if I were doing these things. So when he started bringing his concerns to me, that's when it like a light bulb clicked in my head and I'm like, okay, you're trying to love me, the way you perceive love, and the reason why, like it was just like a light bulb moment is because the same, the same um, like conversations and self-talk that you're having with yourself about how you feel, like you're not getting this, that and the third from the relationship. Guess what I'm over here doing?
Speaker 1:The same.
Speaker 2:The exact same thing, doing the exact same thing.
Speaker 1:Stop asking questions. You got to answer too.
Speaker 2:Because we were both doing the same thing. But I think where the growth comes in at is for one, we were able to have the conversation. For two, we're continuing to have those conversations because it's not something that we've just talked about and it's like okay, I'm gonna fix that, you don't, you don't like this when you get home, I'm not going to do that. And then we move on because the more we grow, our needs continue to change. The things that we hold valuable continue to change. So we have to keep having those conversations. What made me happy five years ago doesn't make me happy. What made you happy five years ago.
Speaker 2:You know me, just like things that made me happy five years ago are not the same things that probably made me happy today.
Speaker 1:It's like Monday. I woke up Monday and said I'm going to be helpful to my wife today. This is my whole like Monday I woke up. I woke up Monday. I said I'm going to be helpful to my wife today. This is my whole goal. Monday, I said I'm on vacation. My goal today is to be helpful.
Speaker 2:So I know what I like.
Speaker 1:And so I'm going to do things for her and with her that she would normally do by herself. So I did. I ran errands with her. God knows I hate running errands. I went to the grocery store. I put groceries up. I cooked all the meals that day. I prepared our child's lunch. I made breakfast for everybody Well, except for myself. I made. You know, I made. I just did the things that she would normally have to do had I be going to work. I just said, okay, today she's going to be a day to work. Lord, I watched so many. I said Lord, I said how many dishes they going to use.
Speaker 2:By dinner time.
Speaker 1:I said, this is why she feel this way? Because after I cooked dinner I said y'all these dishes on y'all.
Speaker 2:He was like do you mind he goes, do you mind taking care of the kitchen? I said I absolutely do not, Because what you're not going to do is be helpful the whole day, and then, when it starts to get tough, you're going to be like oh, can I tap you in? No, that defeats the purpose of you being helpful today. And I told her this is exactly what I'm talking about. I'm not. I said no, I'm not.
Speaker 1:And I told her. I said, well, these dishes are going to be here for you in the morning because I'm tired.
Speaker 2:You were tired store.
Speaker 1:I was.
Speaker 2:We went to pick our daughter up and I fell asleep in the parking lot and I took a video of him when he was putting the groceries in the back and I was like when your husband is on vacation, so you don't have to do any of these things, I see you liked it.
Speaker 1:I hated it.
Speaker 2:You got up in that morning. You went and worked out, went and ran errands, did the grocery shopping, got the kid from school, had to go over the kid's stuff from school.
Speaker 1:I took a shower last night. I laid in bed and I said I would just rather go to work.
Speaker 2:That's what you always say. I would just rather go to work.
Speaker 1:I would rather just go to work. And mind you sitting here saying all of this with an actual pile of laundry that's actually to my left, that I still need to fold.
Speaker 2:It'll get done when it gets done. See, that's what he's Now. You see how I feel sometimes. Now you see how I feel sometimes and I'm just like, at some points I'm just like you know what it's going to be there tomorrow.
Speaker 1:But these are. All this Go back to the topic. All this comes from conversations we previously had.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I understand that my wife comes to me. Sometimes she's like I. Sometimes I just need help doing the things that I just need a break.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and my biggest thing was the initiative.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Because I didn't ask him to do any of those things.
Speaker 1:So I just I made a to say you know what? I'm going to give her Monday off.
Speaker 2:Now I'm going to give her Monday off Tuesday through Saturday.
Speaker 1:I don't know. She might have to be on full duty. I might give her Wednesday off. She works retail, so her schedule she don't get two days off in a row. We'll probably throw another day off somewhere To make it like it's a retail schedule. So we will probably throw another day off somewhere, you know we'll talk about it.
Speaker 2:Oh, to make it like it's a retail scandal, yeah, We'll throw another day off somewhere. Could you at least get two days off?
Speaker 1:Right, so we'll throw you know.
Speaker 2:Okay, so you know we got to separate them. Goodbye, but you know, these past four years, Hold on.
Speaker 1:I will say this real quick what Well, I don't know if she realized or appreciated what I did, because I, literally I planned out dinner for the whole week yesterday.
Speaker 2:Oh, I did appreciate that because I didn't have to think about it.
Speaker 1:That's like one of the biggest veins of my existence is trying to figure out what to do with you guys, and again from the conversations that we've been having, I know that that is the bane of your existence. Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:So I would just If somebody would have told me, like 20 years ago, that you are going to like have to figure out what to eat and feed a family like five, six days a week, I would have been like, nah, I would have been like nah and I kept it on on theme.
Speaker 1:So you know, you know stir fry on Monday, which was really good we're gonna have a taco bowls tonight.
Speaker 2:Cause it's taco, cause we record on Tuesday, cause you guys don't know, cause it's taco Tuesday, and then tomorrow I'm making some ribs yeah throwing the smoker on Thursday will most likely be a roast, and Friday I take Phoenix, take phoenix, the pho yeah, I know what's funny is, uh, every time, like when you cook like me phoenix, I know she loves when you cook because it's gonna be very like meat heavy when you cook.
Speaker 2:It's like very manly meals, like we always have like like very man I call them manly meals when you cook and I'll be like, oh okay, this is good, and if it's something that I don't want, I'll just like I'll go and eat and come home and just pretend like I'm not hungry.
Speaker 1:She would, but if I don't eat her food, I'm the I'm the worst husband ever.
Speaker 2:But, anywho, all this came from having those conversations. Um, all this came from having those conversations, the uncomfortable conversations, because, like, let's face it, nobody wants to be made feel like they're not doing something right. Like if when you come to me and you say like I feel like you don't support me and I feel like you're never on my side or you always want to have something negative to say or you always want to have something negative to say, it's hard to hear that because, for me, I do try to be intentional with my interactions with certain things with my husband, and so when you come to me and you're saying like in my head, you're telling me this is what you're lacking, right, and that can be hard to hear sometimes, but because my marriage really does matter to me and you are one of the most important people in my life, I can take, like, put my ego on the back burner a little bit and hear you from where you're coming from, right, whether whether or not.
Speaker 2:I know it's hard for you.
Speaker 1:I'm so proud of you I'm so proud of you. Y'all listen, listen here.
Speaker 2:When I said in the beginning, it doesn't come without any bumps or bruises. It's difficult to have a conversation with a man sometimes and where he feels like he's being attacked or you're telling him he's lacking somewhere.
Speaker 1:Especially as much as I do for this family. What I be doing for this family, you see, you see I go out there and break my back and deal with these people all the time for this family, but nonetheless are they in here telling me how they taking naps who's taking naps?
Speaker 2:you always say that, but who's taking naps?
Speaker 1:y'all be. I'll be taking naps, you in phoenix, okay, y'all be in here snoring okay, that's what he thinks we do.
Speaker 2:But after his day yesterday, what time did you have to take a nap yesterday?
Speaker 1:that's one day.
Speaker 2:Okay, I'm just saying you still got six days left in the week just saying um but I expect, I expect you to work two out of the seven but anywho, um, it's like having those conversations, like it can be tough to have your significant other tell you about something they feel like you're lacking or something they feel like they're not getting from the relationship. But put your ego to the side, try to hear what they're trying to say and try to implement the change and be consistent. That's the biggest thing. Like consistency is the thing, because, like I said before, we've had the conversations and then we have to go back and have the conversation again because sometimes you have to readdress things because time makes things a little less important.
Speaker 2:Yes, or that you start getting relaxed, again. So that happens.
Speaker 1:You also got to understand that you don't have as much time as you think.
Speaker 2:This is true as well, but yeah, so I feel like that also involves that's communicating right, keeping secrets from your partner all the time what, what secrets if I tell you, it wouldn't be a secret but okay. So I think they're referring to keeping secrets, like probably keeping secrets that you think could be harmful or detrimental to the relationship okay okay, are those the type of secrets that you would?
Speaker 1:I keep all secrets that would bring me grief you keep all secrets.
Speaker 2:That would bring you grief yes I don't keep any secrets lies so I mean it's nice to know that my husband just over here is like living a whole separate life, I guess I'm not.
Speaker 1:I ain't got time, I barely got time with life I want so many secrets.
Speaker 2:You guys heard it. He just said it himself he keeps so many secrets I keep so many. I don't keep secrets I don't keep any secrets. There's.
Speaker 1:I know things that only myself know.
Speaker 2:There's nothing that um. You know that. I that only I know that you don't.
Speaker 1:I know. So if I tell you I got it, I got a secret right now. If I tell you right now you're gonna go upstairs and throw something away. I'm gonna go upstairs and throw something away.
Speaker 2:Okay, are you away? Okay, are you okay? We're not talking about. I'm talking about like, like actual secrets, not thoughts that you have. No, are you talking about like thoughts where you like think of something you were like. I really hate when she wears that and I really wish she like no, is that what you mean about secrets okay?
Speaker 1:I know something that you don't know and you're not gonna know okay.
Speaker 2:Well, I guess that's that's what makes it a secret, okay? So let me ask you this then do you do you feel like it's necessary to keep certain secrets to protect your partner?
Speaker 1:you're like your partner's feelings, yes okay to protect feelings not protect the feelings to protect feelings, not to hide wrongdoing.
Speaker 2:Okay, okay, then in that case I have to agree. Yes, that's why I wanted to get that clear, because I'm like I don't have any secrets, but if we're talking, about I haven't done anything wrong.
Speaker 1:If we're talking about things that will help to protect your partner's emotional well-being or mental well-being, then yes, I have those secrets, the only secrets I have that were like where I've done you wrong, it's when I like I eat your stuff when you don't know why I did it.
Speaker 2:Or you just lie about it, mm-hmm yeah.
Speaker 1:Pass it off to the next one.
Speaker 2:Mine is just like watching shows.
Speaker 1:Oh, we know that You're a bitro Netflix cheater.
Speaker 2:You're a Netflix whore. That's why I don't do it no more. That's because you take way too long.
Speaker 1:Because I have to be in the mood for the show. No, I don't want to hear it.
Speaker 2:Because when I use that excuse for things it doesn't work. So I don't want to hear it and it ain't my fault.
Speaker 1:these shows start off good and crash.
Speaker 2:Okay, so not spending much or meaningful time together.
Speaker 1:That's. That's. That's because of them, damn kids. No, look, no, that's because of them, damn kids. The problem is, you get them, damn kids, and you love.
Speaker 2:Why do they have to be damn kids?
Speaker 1:because they in the way okay, you get them damn kids, and you love them, but. But they consume all of your time and energy. I think you have to be purposeful. Purposeful about planning and having time with your spouse without them. Damn kids. The kids is what ruins. They ruin marriages If you let them buy.
Speaker 2:I was just going to say I think it was Michelle Obama who had made that comment when she was like kids ruin everything.
Speaker 1:They do she was like we love they do she was like we love them.
Speaker 2:She was like it doesn't mean we don't love them. She was like but kids ruin everything.
Speaker 1:And I was like I mean to some extent right and I think it's just to the whole extent no that's why I make sure to tell my child all the time that's your mother, but that's my wife he does, he really, he really that's my wife and then she always goes back and she's like, yeah, but she's my mom. And that's my wife and I got her. As much as I love you, child, I have your mom's side Because she's my wife.
Speaker 2:She'd be looking at him like, okay, you can miss me with the BS, because that's my mom's side, and then she'll ignore him and she'll be like mom and then she lays it on.
Speaker 2:But anywho, yes, what I've noticed with us and we both noticed, when we start getting like, when we really start getting on each other's nerves, when we start like bickering a little bit more, when the communication breaks down, when we're having these different dialogues in our heads and it's just kind of like one of those things like okay, what do you want? Those type, when we start getting that way with each other.
Speaker 1:I feel that way every day.
Speaker 2:Stop it. Nine times out of ten, nine times out of ten, it's because we have not spent any quality time together.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.
Speaker 2:It's because we haven't spent what we call bubble time, Like we haven't had one-on-one time where it's just for us to reconnect. Like how you were saying this morning, and we get to a point where we stop having those moments where we remember why we still wanted to be together and why we still actually like each other, why we still love each other. You know, like when we get in our bubble time, we both will have a moment and look at each other and be like.
Speaker 1:I like this motherfucker. They got to still like you.
Speaker 2:Like you're still really cool and you're my bestie and I forgot for a second, but now that we're back on the same page, and then, two weeks later, me and you irritating us a lot.
Speaker 1:A later. It's just like if you don't go somewhere, you don't get like. Why are you calling me like you've called me three times today from work, why are you? I'm gonna stop calling you all together because you never answer the phone. It's not true. I always answer the phone.
Speaker 2:It's so disrespectful, it's not it's not what's disrespectful what's disrespectful is that you don't have two words to say to me during breakfast and then, as soon as you leave the house, you want to blow my phone up when I'm trying to sit at the desk, because I remembered. No, don't get a memory when you leave.
Speaker 1:Here's the thing about my wife, right. If I call her and she don't answer, I'm just supposed to accept the fact that her phone was dead or she was busy.
Speaker 2:You know I'm usually working.
Speaker 1:Okay. If she calls me and I don't answer, don't answer that phone I I better be dead, or in a hospital or on my way to a hospital bye, goodbye because she know, and here's the thing neither one of us really charges our phone.
Speaker 2:We don't really charge our phone and I have an iphone 12, so mine don't hold a charge to save its life anymore.
Speaker 1:And I mean my phone badge is pretty good. I normally I really only really charge my phone when I'm at work, and that's just because I'll be playing music to my phone and it be going through the studio.
Speaker 2:Well, I try to keep mine connected on the laptop, like when I'm working, but it's like she has such a double standard when it comes to this phone.
Speaker 2:I don't, I don't. I don't Because, for one, I do answer the phone when you call. Let's start there. The only time I may miss his call is like I'll leave my phone on my desk and if I'm like doing laundry or something I'm like up and down the, or if I'm doing something around the house, my phone is not on my hip. Like I don't keep my phone on my hip when I'm doing stuff inside the house all the time.
Speaker 1:You know how many times I've heard.
Speaker 2:But you, your phone is always right there. And then not only that, you like you be driving trucks and I be seeing, like, what be happening on the road with those trucks and stuff sometimes. So I'm like when you don't answer the phone, I'm like why?
Speaker 1:isn't he answering the phone? Y'all got to understand. Y'all got to understand. After the third call now she's leaving voice messages and they're not nice voice messages.
Speaker 2:No, no. First I do leave a nice one, because I want to make sure that you're okay and I'll be like, okay, like you're going to need to call me back Pick up this damn phone I need to make sure that you're like, you're okay and that everything is fine.
Speaker 1:And then, just in case I didn't get the voice messages, now the text messages start coming.
Speaker 2:And it's just a friendly reminder.
Speaker 1:And all I have called you in all caps.
Speaker 2:And you have not returned my phone call. Anything could happen.
Speaker 1:And then I call back and it'd be the dumbest question. No no but I love it. Why are?
Speaker 2:you trying to like reverse it, because that's literally you like no, I do not, you will call me. And you will call me like when I, when I finally see the phone and I see that I have like two missed calls from you, and then when I call you back and I'm like what's going on, babe, what you doing, sexy, that's it that's nothing, babe. What's going on? Did you need anything?
Speaker 1:I need to hear your voice. No, I didn't need anything, I needed to hear your voice. I was missing you in a moment, but see how she.
Speaker 2:Okay, but see, but you see how you the same rules don't apply.
Speaker 1:It shouldn't, because, since I'm the man you answer the phone when I call, okay, you pick that phone up. I need to make sure that you and my daughter are okay. Okay, while I'm out there getting it, I got to make sure y'all okay.
Speaker 2:Okay, another symptom of the seven-year itch is taking one another for granted.
Speaker 1:Oh, you do that all the time too.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, that is. I think that's a pretty big one too, yep through the day-to-day, day-to-day life.
Speaker 2:It is so easy to get caught up in everything that's around you all the obligations that you have, everything that you do that you lose sight of, like not only you can lose sight of yourself and losing sight of yourself and losing sight of your partner because you're allowing the, the woes of the world to get to you and weigh you down that you can start losing gratitude for your partner, and you can start losing gratitude Just in general. You can lose gratitude for the life that you're living right, even if things are not ideal for you right now. There is gratitude in being able to wake up and try again today. There is gratitude in being able to say that you still have a partner who is willing to work at your marriage with you. Like I know for me, I'm I'm extremely grateful, I'm extremely grateful for you. I I tell him all the time like I love you. You are the love of my life. Like I love you, do you?
Speaker 2:that's nice I can't with you you, you are. You truly are and I am grateful for. I am grateful for even our bad times, because I genuinely believe that without our, our struggles, our tough times, the things you went through personally, we wouldn't be where we are today. You wouldn't be the man that you are today, and there was a point in our relationship where I felt like I had I held some resentment towards you.
Speaker 1:No, you know, you didn't have to feel, you did.
Speaker 2:I did towards you because and I've said this before where I just felt as though, like you were trying to sell me something that wasn't real, Does that make sense? And then it made me feel some type of way about myself because I'm like, okay, well, I'm the one who chose to stay. You know what I mean. But looking back on it, and when I kind of take inventory of my own life and my own choices, and when I take inventory of our relationship and our marriage, I now know and understand and genuinely, with a whole heart, appreciate all of those changes that we went through together and individually and the things that you went through, because I know that without those things I don't get this version of you. Do you know what I mean? So that makes me super grateful and I'm extremely grateful to be like no, you just just to even know you.
Speaker 1:And I always, I always say I've never said this to you personally, but I always say to myself it's like my dealings with just loss is something that you have not experienced, right, right. And I always say to myself like once you experience the loss on my level, then you'll understand me and then we'll probably be closer.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because you'll get it, and then we'll probably be closer because you'll get it, because it's hard to understand something you have not been through. Right. So that's why I always say to myself once you experience I mean granted, I don't want you to experience that anytime soon because it's not easy, but once you do experience it, you'll, you'll understand. You'll understand why I was the way I was during that time period in our life.
Speaker 2:Right. But I'm just like even thinking back then, um, or like now it's even then like it was tough, it was, it was, it was a struggle. But even when I did like entertain the thought of like maybe this isn't going to work, Like when you were slowly coming out of it, um, part of me was still like but I really couldn't see myself not being with you. Like there's not a version of myself that I see where you're not there, Not even in seven years. There is, it's just, it's literally like I've known that for so long.
Speaker 1:I've known that for so long.
Speaker 2:But like for so long. But like, especially now there's not a version of me where you're not there like it's hard for me to even think past that. It's hard for me to be like no, don't give me.
Speaker 1:Don't give me too much rope goodbye, but I'm serious.
Speaker 2:It's like you have been one of the most constants in my life, of my life, for the past two decades right, you've been my only constant Right. So part of my identity is it includes you Like. My identity includes you Like as much as you know I don't know Therapists, don't come at me, but part of my identity includes you. So it's like.
Speaker 1:Well, I mean it's understandable, because we've been grouped together as an item for so long.
Speaker 2:And especially through major growing periods in our life. So, you know what I mean. So it's like when I, when I say that I would not rather do life with anybody else Like I, mean that, like this man, this is, this is my man.
Speaker 1:If you think about my man, if you think about it, if you think about it, we this is probably our, our second time getting over the seven year right, but I mean the fact that, do you?
Speaker 2:ever think about the fact that when things really got good for us, she popped up by the mail, what you're not gonna make it seem like it's my baby, just like, let's not forget. Hold on, just for the record. For the record, okay. I love my child with every fiber of my being. Who don't love her? My husband wanted children.
Speaker 1:Oh, you don't want her, huh.
Speaker 2:No, I'm not saying that Nope.
Speaker 1:I did want her, I'm going to play this back for her.
Speaker 2:I did want her. Mommy didn't want me. Oh no, I'm such a bad daughter, oh stop. I did want her, okay, but I also. There was also a part of me that kind of felt like maybe we would be okay if we didn't have kids, maybe. But I did know that I did. I didn't want to have kids, but I just knew I wanted kids. You know later, so that's why I was like I was very adamant that we wouldn't start the children thing to our 30s.
Speaker 2:But thank you, but it's really funny that you try to that you try to make it seem like she just came in and just, I mean, she did come in and rock the boat, but you were the one who was like super adamant, especially after we got married. He was like okay, so all bets are off and you should, you should be good now, right, because we's married now and papa wants a cub I wanted five you absolutely did not.
Speaker 2:You absolutely did not. If you wanted five kids, there's no way I would have waited to my 30s and started having children you've never discussed wanting five kids.
Speaker 1:I did. I think I tried to get you pregnant at 26 to male. That's not true, and you was like nah, I'm not ready. You said we gotta wait till we're married. We're about 26. You said you still have life to live you guys.
Speaker 2:There's one thing that I also have begun to notice, and I'm just like accepting, is the older our marriage gets, the older we get. We are getting further and further away from the same recollection of events.
Speaker 1:We have the truth over here.
Speaker 2:We could, we, we. He has all. He always has a completely different story of how a situation that's because we see it from different heights?
Speaker 1:I don't know.
Speaker 2:I don't know, but when we talk about a situation that's because we see it from different heights. I don't know. I don't know. But when we talk about a situation that's happened that was a short joke, well, I know, babe when we talk about a situation that's happened, like if he, if he, comes to me and he'll be like I don't like the way you spoke to me at dinner in front of company or something, though when he starts to describe whatever the transgression is that I've committed to him, I'm like okay, well, that absolutely didn't. It didn't happen that way. Let me just tell you who said this first, and then who said this, and then I had said that's no different, and then that's no different from how the whole asshole at dance.
Speaker 2:You were an asshole. I dance, though, see to each his own, to each his own, To each his own, but you know.
Speaker 1:I love him. Y'all see the growth there.
Speaker 2:But I love him and I'm going to stick beside him.
Speaker 1:I'm a good man, Savannah.
Speaker 2:I love him and I'm going to stick beside him.
Speaker 1:I'm a good man, Savannah.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, I didn't even go into my other pillars, but you into my other pillars. But I think that was pretty good.
Speaker 1:I'm a good man.
Speaker 2:Savannah, you are a good man.
Speaker 1:Maybe we can do a home part two.
Speaker 2:Maybe We'll see. I don't know yet, but yeah, maybe We'll see. All in all, it'll be like a broken record. Keep having the hard conversations. Loss of physical and emotional intimacy is something I think is going to be a constant up and down. That's what you can. You can depend on the constant being things changing. Right, yes, being things changing right, you can constantly depend on things always changing yeah, you're right cause you gotta have duality. I thought you would like that. I loved it. That was a vampire and brooklyn reference.
Speaker 1:That's one of my favorite movies for those of you who in Brooklyn reference that's one of my favorite movies.
Speaker 2:For those who didn't know, that's one of his favorite movies.
Speaker 1:You gotta have duality now see, I said I wasn't gonna do it. I've done it, the last like four or five episodes.
Speaker 2:I've done it.
Speaker 1:I've made a Vampire in Brooklyn reference. Now I'll do on strong and here you go what trying to get me a piece of your ass oh what oh my gosh all right.
Speaker 2:now we're gonna hop right into one of my favorite segments, and that is reactions, also known as our two sins.
Speaker 1:So Wow, what that was so corny.
Speaker 2:Okay, I got one for you, babe. My wife had an emotional affair with her coworker for one month. Is this grounds for a divorce?
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:So my wife confessed to me yesterday that she's been having an emotional affair with her co-worker for a month, but she put a stop to it because she was overridden with guilt. She said it's never gotten physical or that she had physical feelings toward him and acted out irrationally by exchanging numbers last month. They've had a few lunch dates and have been texting frequently, but my wife put a stop to it yesterday. Oh, your ears perked up on that one Dates Now. I was extremely heartbroken. I would normally be skeptical that her affair did not spill over to a physical affair, but my wife swore on her dead friend that it's never spilled over to a physical affair.
Speaker 2:My wife rarely, if ever, swears on her dead friend and I really don't believe her character is so crass that she would lie when swearing on a dead person, so I believed in her that it was just an emotional affair. She's taking every step required to show me that she is remorseful. She has pretty much given me complete access to everything. Is this grounds for divorce? My wife and I have been married for over 10 years and we have two boys.
Speaker 2:I don't love my wife anymore, but maybe years down the road I can, if my wife puts in constant effort to show that she still loves me damn now see that in part kind of took me out, because I feel like he started off with like okay, she had an emotional affair, but then he kind of like, ended it with I. I don't even love her, no more.
Speaker 1:Let me ask you this. Let me you want me to answer honestly, or you want me to get in my petty bag, Cause I'm, I'm ready, I'm ready for both.
Speaker 2:Get me honest.
Speaker 1:Honestly I feel like, if you believe her, that it was just dates, nothing, nothing physical. Um, that's wild that you would go on a date right married because I was on board with her, like not doing anything wrong until the dates came around.
Speaker 2:Because now but they were lunch dates, so they both have to go to lunch anyway, so they just went to lunch together. So is that still technically a date?
Speaker 1:yes, because you could. Y'all could have ate lunch in in the courtyard at the job right, but they ate lunch together, so that's still a date. No okay, she's here. He just happened to walk over and eat lunch at the same table. Okay, when they go somewhere and sit down to eat lunch together, they plan that okay, that's planned fair enough.
Speaker 1:So once I figured, once you, once you said that I was like I don't know if I, it'd be a little hard, harder for me to forgive her, because you know my wife, she loved to go on lunch dates, but they were always with other co-workers and they always that's why I was trying to get clarification, because I'll go out for lunch in a heartbeat. Right, but it wasn't to that degree. She wasn't with no men involved, that I know of Unless.
Speaker 2:it was a group.
Speaker 1:Right, see, yeah Group setting is different. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Because I do the same thing, I'm not.
Speaker 1:I'm not gonna go sit down and eat with a woman if it's just me and another woman now, or two women, right, if there's a group of us, there's two women, he would go yeah, there's two, it's fine, it's just not. No, it's not, it is. It's just as long as it's not a one-on-one thing. Um, so to that point I'll say yeah, but then when you say you don't love her anymore, I'm like hmm, Right Like that like.
Speaker 1:That kind of that does kind of throw me. But at the same time I understand that you know, love is an emotion. Emotions change and you might not love her because you felt like you've been done wrong and you feel hurt. You actually might. You might just be hurt saying this woman gave you two children. So I'm pretty sure that I would tell you reasonable me would tell you I don't think anything has been done dramatically enough to break up the home, so I would tell you to stay with her, stick it out and, you know, continue to be with her.
Speaker 2:Now petty response.
Speaker 1:I would go get a DNA test from the boys first oh my gosh that's first one, right, and since we around here having lunch dates, go, have you a couple of lunch dates and let her know it's just lunch we're talking about but see, that's kind of unfair because she was feeling guilty.
Speaker 2:So she came to him and she divulged to him everything that she had been doing that she had been texting.
Speaker 1:They've been talking.
Speaker 1:They've been going on lunch date. Let me say this hold on. Let me say this also I forgot to say this in my reasonable response also you need to look at yourself to see why your wife was driven to do that, because obviously she wouldn't have done that if she wasn't lacking in some area. So you're allowing your wife to lack in some area, and whether you feel like it's not fair life is not fair and that you are still somewhat entitled to her feelings as part of being her protector and provider. So I can understand. Maybe the dynamic is you guys have, like you said, you had two. You had two, uh, two boys.
Speaker 1:Maybe the dynamic is you know, you guys are both, um, not spending a lot. You guys both are both working. You're not spending a lot of time together neglecting the little things, and that's probably why she felt that way. But it is also, um, your job as her husband to provide for her, both physically and emotionally. So you were probably lacking. That that's another. That's another hard thing to accept to hear that you were lacking and providing your wife with everything she needs, but that does not justify her actions. Still, that's the reasonable response. Sorry, go ahead.
Speaker 2:And I think with emotional affairs, like when there's been how many emotional affairs have you had? I haven't had any emotional affairs cap how are you gonna tell me okay then? How many have I had? Babe go ahead okay with with women Goodbye, goodbye If you, if you're just listening and you're not watching us like on YouTube.
Speaker 1:He just held up five, so just saying you have one a couple months ago with jazz.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, you're going to have to let that go.
Speaker 1:Never.
Speaker 2:You're going to. You're really going to have to let that give your answer. Okay, no, I give your answer. Okay, no, I was just gonna say that.
Speaker 2:Um, when it comes to emotional affairs, I know that that can be really difficult for men you know firsthand you know that can be really difficult for men um because that's the door if he got you emotionally yeah, because emotional mind, you know, like once, once, once somebody gets in our head, once someone starts making us feel a certain way, once you start showing us like like the possibilities through conversation and intellect and stuff like that, like that is just be all down their leg. That is just when I tell you like to have a conversation like a a conversation of value, a conversation of intellect, a conversation of laughter. A conversation of value, a conversation of intellect, a conversation of laughter, a conversation of like highs and lows.
Speaker 1:That is the chef's kiss Stop talking about your kids to your wife. Talk about something else.
Speaker 2:That is like one of the biggest things, because that also takes time, because that means we are also spending time together. I see you getting excited just talking about it because you know, going back earlier in the in the conversation, that this is exactly what we have discussed. When I had came to you and I had told you like I don't feel like I'm being mentally stimulated in this relationship.
Speaker 2:I don't feel like we're having like in-depth conversations, I don't feel like I'm being turned on mentally, you know like I'm gonna start texting you we can't keep getting so caught up in the day-to-day because these things happen and when you think that like, oh you know, not talking to your wife is not important, okay, but then she going off and having emotional affairs with a man who has time to talk to her you have to, you have to.
Speaker 1:here's the thing, don't? I feel like a lot of times we, as people, we get so caught up in duty. Right, I'm the husband. This is my duty. My duty is to you know, provide, take care of the family. You gotta, you gotta.
Speaker 1:And I've done that and that's what I'm doing my and nurture and raise and render the kids all that stuff Right. But a lot of times you have to understand that that's just part of your responsibility, the duty part. Like you still have to, you still have, you do still have to date your partner. You have to make, you have to maintain that relationship you had with her before all the other outside influences.
Speaker 2:And that goes both ways, because we are still human beings, we are still individuals, like, at the end of the day. Yes, I'm a mom and I'm, and I'm this and I'm that, but I'm also just a woman like oh, don't forget goodbye. Goodbye, because I was only able to do five plates today in the gym. You're so mean. Um, anyway, but yeah, like at the end of the day, it's like I'm still, I'm still a woman and I'm still your woman.
Speaker 1:Hear me war.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean Prior to us having kids and more responsibility and things like that. When we talk about how the relationship had started.
Speaker 2:It's because we were having fun how the relationship had started. It's because we were having fun. It's because we didn't have a lot of responsibility. It's because we had enough free space in our minds to entertain each other and to engage with each other and we wanted to spend time with each other and the feelings that we were giving each other was it was that giddy little feeling, that little spark of excitement. It's like you can still have those things, but you have to work at those things.
Speaker 1:That's like learning something new together. I mean, we can have a whole episode about that.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:How the dynamic will change.
Speaker 2:Yes, the dynamics in your relationship will totally shift Constantly.
Speaker 2:And they do it all the time. That's why we say having those hard conversations are never going to stop. Always feeling like you're not getting something from your relationship at any given moment is never going to stop. But what can't stop is you communicating. That can't stop. What can't stop is you putting forth your best efforts for your partner and showing up for your partner and showing up for yourself.
Speaker 2:That's what can't stop, right, showing up for yourself, that's what can't stop, right. And even when you're struggling to do that like for me personally, like we just had this conversation last night when I was, you know, being having a vulnerable moment and, um, you know we were having some engaging conversation with our child and the talks of responsibility and stuff, and as she's getting older and you sensed something was off with me, right, and you're like what's wrong? And I was like I'm having like a real bad moment of mom guilt right now, because what I started to, what I had said to you, was I feel like maybe she's not showing up because I'm not showing up, like I'm not showing up as my best self sometimes and I'm a firm believer in she picks up what she sees right, and maybe she doesn't necessarily know what showing up for yourself means that's kind of.
Speaker 1:But you know, she see daddy go to work five days a week and she ain't working.
Speaker 2:For me it was just like that's how my brain works. You know what I mean. So I have the same moments when it's you Like, when I see something is either off with you or I feel like we're just not on the same moments. When, when it's you like, when I see something is either off with you or I feel like we're just not on the same page and it's like, have I not been showing up for you? Have I not been showing up for myself? Like what? What are the things? You know what I'm saying. So that's why it's something that's always going to be constant. It's always something that you're going to have to work towards and just make it. Don't look at it from a negative perspective. It's like like a mental workout, a physical workout. It's the same idea. That's the, you know, that's what I mean. But back to this, the emotional affair thing. I think I would be more worried of an emotional affair than a physical affair.
Speaker 1:No, no, I mean no.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:You don't think so.
Speaker 1:It depends on the level until which it got.
Speaker 2:What does that mean?
Speaker 1:That was so like you don't know, there's levels to this shit.
Speaker 2:Okay, so the level that they got to where she was Right.
Speaker 1:So like she saw that it was progressing. It was progressing, but it was still at a surface level and she stopped it before it progressed even any further.
Speaker 2:Right, Because that's what I was. Really taken away from it.
Speaker 1:I was like she already knows that it was getting to a point where it was like If it got to the point where he was sending good morning texts.
Speaker 2:How do you know he didn't send, they were texting.
Speaker 1:That's when they too involved.
Speaker 2:I can't, I can't.
Speaker 1:I can't remember last time I sent a woman a good morning text.
Speaker 2:You sent me good morning texts.
Speaker 1:You don't count, I sleep with you. Oh my God, why would I send you a good morning text? I'm next to you.
Speaker 2:I know, but you still send me good morning.
Speaker 1:Texts sound good because I don't remember doing this.
Speaker 2:Because you call me 50 million times a day when you're at work and you text me 50 million times a day when you're at work In 2024, I will stop calling you. No, you're not, I am You're not, because then I'm going to call you.
Speaker 1:And I won't answer.
Speaker 2:This has been another episode of Life After I Do. If you're not doing so already, you can follow us on all social media platforms um you can follow us at life after I do podcast two more months on tiktok on youtube, on youtube, instagram and uh tiktok, as well as follow and like our facebook page. Life after I do podcast with uh kai, nisha g on instagram and molito the grouch oh no, it's just Molito now, oh. Molito.
Speaker 1:I haven't been grouchy.
Speaker 2:He hasn't been grouchy. That's really good. So if you would like to, you can also write in to us at lifeafteridopodcast at gmailcom If you have any questions for us. Until then, you get a new episode every Wednesday guys, Wednesday guys. So we will check in with you then. Peace.