Join us for a candid exploration of partnership, provision, and perseverance. Our conversation traverses the societal expectations that often weigh down on modern marriages, from financial roles to gender dynamics, and the necessity for alignment in a relationship's goals and realities. We unwrap these topics with humor, honesty, and a touch of vulnerability, aiming to offer you perspectives that resonate and strategies that empower. So, whether you're in the driver's seat or riding shotgun in the journey of life, tune in for an episode that promises to connect, enlighten, and entertain.
Join us for a candid exploration of partnership, provision, and perseverance. Our conversation traverses the societal expectations that often weigh down on modern marriages, from financial roles to gender dynamics, and the necessity for alignment in a relationship's goals and realities. We unwrap these topics with humor, honesty, and a touch of vulnerability, aiming to offer you perspectives that resonate and strategies that empower. So, whether you're in the driver's seat or riding shotgun in the journey of life, tune in for an episode that promises to connect, enlighten, and entertain.
At the time I didn't think I could fathom a time where you actually would not be working. So I always just try to always had the mindset of I'm going to put myself personally in a position to where, if need be, I can carry us and anything you bring. That just adds more value to our life as a whole.
Speaker 2:Yeah, hey, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Life After I Do. I am your host, nisha G, and I'm here with my lovely husband.
Speaker 1:Your husband, my little.
Speaker 3:My little.
Speaker 2:Hello, hello baby. How's it going baby?
Speaker 1:Good to you, baby.
Speaker 2:Why are you being weird?
Speaker 1:What are you talking about?
Speaker 2:Is that what we're doing?
Speaker 1:That's how I normally sound.
Speaker 2:Okay, how was your week?
Speaker 1:It's not funny when you do it. Why not? Why be your own person, dude? Why?
Speaker 2:Why can't I do it?
Speaker 1:My week was good. Baby. How was your week? You told me off guard it was a week Well.
Speaker 2:I mean, but you said it was good so that's what I mean I realize that every week on my life was good. This is true, better than most, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:I have a adorable little girl that drives me crazy and I have a wife that was wife in this week. What was different? Oh, you know what was different.
Speaker 2:You're not referring to sexual activity.
Speaker 1:It says who.
Speaker 2:Goodbye, goodbye, elaborate on your week.
Speaker 1:It was good. Nothing eventful happened. It was calm. It was steady. How was work?
Speaker 2:Work was work.
Speaker 1:It's always that we spent three days together. We had some good times. It's always good when we had time just to be out with the family, even though we're not in the same team. We're not in the same team. We're not in the same team. We're not in the same team. We're not in the same team. We're not in the same team. We are not in the same team. We go back and forth and forth and we just go back and forth.
Speaker 2:We think about the family, even though you like soaked up my weekend, but it was cool. Okay, you always complain about getting time together.
Speaker 1:Then, when you get time together, you complain about it taking too much of your time.
Speaker 2:I just want one day like at least half today where I could just do nothing. You get that all the time. No, I don't. Every time we go like I'm the one driving. Okay, that's not true, that's not. I'm not even going to sit in there and let you get it, or I'll offer to drive.
Speaker 1:How was your week, babe?
Speaker 2:Uh-uh, no, no, you drive all the time, babe.
Speaker 1:I drive 98.4% of the time. I need the numbers. Oh, I will tell you about. My week was so good because the tax guy called we don't owe.
Speaker 2:Oh right, thank God, thank God for Jesus. Thank God, was it last year? We ordered the year before that the year before. The year before that. Oh my gosh, I remember I had my friend with me. My shout-out to my friend, Leslie in Leslie Land on Instagram, if you're looking for a realtor and you're here in California.
Speaker 1:A fab realtor.
Speaker 2:A fabulous realtor. She, her and I. She went with me to the bank and I was like, oh, I got to stop by the bank and I was like I got to pull the money out for the taxes. And she was like the taxes. And I was like, girl, yes, I was like we owe, I was like I got to go get all my damn money out the bank to pay the IRS. And she looked at me. She was like you going to pay him?
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:I was like yes.
Speaker 1:We going to pay him because we like to keep on living the way we live him.
Speaker 2:I was like I'm going to go. I don't want to Trust me. It was the hardest withdrawal of my life. Draw I ever had to do Of my life? I was like are you sure they said in the thousands, or was it?
Speaker 1:like a thousand. No, it was thousands. It wasn't hundreds, it was thousands.
Speaker 2:The toughest withdrawal of my life.
Speaker 1:It was thousands, it was not hundreds, it was thousands.
Speaker 2:But yeah, that's why I'm grateful.
Speaker 1:That's why the week was good. Yeah, I'm grateful it just clicked. I said because I got good news.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Shout out to my.
Speaker 1:CPA Robert Su Chan Shout out.
Speaker 2:If you're in the market for a CPA, I guess.
Speaker 1:Robert Su Chan.
Speaker 2:Su Chan.
Speaker 1:Su Chan and Associates.
Speaker 2:And Associates.
Speaker 1:Check them out.
Speaker 2:What else happened with your week? That's it.
Speaker 1:That was a highlight of my week. When he called me, he was like I got some numbers to talk about him and I was like, all right, robert, let's talk about him. Shit, what is it going to be? And you know I'm already expecting the words. And he was like well, actually we're going to get us there. Let me go ahead and call off tomorrow.
Speaker 2:Bye, good day, bye, he's all day. I'm not going to work on Thursday. That looks like. And why are you not going to work on?
Speaker 1:Because we've been blessed by the IRS.
Speaker 2:Bye. Silly, so silly. See, this is how I know we can't win the lottery. This is exactly how I know we can't win the lottery. Why are you saying that? Because you're going to be acting super different. We were to win like $100 million back on the spot, you would be, oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:OK, here's the thing.
Speaker 2:You would act so different.
Speaker 1:Here's the thing If we win $100 million, I know for a fact that it's going to be a couple weeks before we get that money. So I know that I have to work for at least the next three weeks. So I'm going to work three more weeks, but after that third week, oh.
Speaker 2:I'm a hell of an actor. I'm ghosting. We used to play the hypotheticals like the what ifs, and I used to always say if we won like $100 million, or even if we won like $50 million in the lottery or whatever, and we got to walk away with that amount of money, he would always say I would still work. I would still work for the benefits, I would work part time for the benefits.
Speaker 3:And I was like you are capping, See hold on, hold on.
Speaker 1:See. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Back then I was capping, but now I have enough years in for early retirement where I keep my medical.
Speaker 2:That's all I just want to pay medical so. I'm out, so now you're not holding on to that lie.
Speaker 1:I'm out. It wasn't a lie back then. I would have wanted to work like one day a week, keep the medical going.
Speaker 2:If you had won $100 million.
Speaker 1:We still need medical.
Speaker 2:We would be able to pay for it.
Speaker 1:One event could bankrupt us. Medical bills are expensive.
Speaker 2:I know medical bills are expensive. Ok, anyhoo.
Speaker 1:Your week boo.
Speaker 2:My week was actually really great. The highlight of my week was I already know what you're going for there.
Speaker 1:Already know.
Speaker 2:That's my baby, y'all, that's my baby, ok, so every time y'all tune in, every week, I don't want to hear no complaints about Xiaoli talking about her damn daughter, because this is my life. Ok, this is my life. So, anyhoo, the highlight of my week was what was it? Being able to finally tell baby girl that she got to invite the team.
Speaker 2:Most of you should know by now, our daughter does dance and gymnastics, and so she just got her first official invite for a competitive gymnastics team. We're for her gym, so she got invited to the bronze team, which is like the first level competition.
Speaker 1:It's just a way for them to give them my money.
Speaker 2:So yeah, so she was really excited. So I had spoken to the coach and everything Phoenix kind of had known, I guess, because the coaches had been talking to them, because this past couple of months she's been going through evaluations. So she's been going through evaluations to see if she would get an invite to team or not, and so she's been telling me. She was like mom, I'm going to go to bronze, I'm going to go to bronze. And I was like, ok, babe, they haven't said anything, I haven't heard anything. And then I started hearing things from other parents and some of the other parents were telling me, oh yeah, like their daughter didn't make it or they had to go back to rec. And so I was like, well, how are you guys finding out? Like no one has spoken to me yet and I guess they were kind of waiting to tell. I guess the kids that got invited to team.
Speaker 2:And so I had spoke with her coach at the end of practice last week and she was like, oh yeah, she's on the list for an invite to team and they should be getting communications out to you guys by March and blah, blah, blah. And so I went to the front desk to speak to one of the team coaches she's the team coach for the level teams and stuff, so pretty much like the juniors and seniors and all that and she was like yeah, I have her on my list, she's official, she's on the team and I was like hi, baby. So I got a video recording of her and I was like Phoenix, guess what. And she was like what and I was like you made the team and she's like I did. So that was like the highlight of my week.
Speaker 1:The point is, she asked like she was surprised, like she didn't already know.
Speaker 2:Well, she didn't officially know, Like she didn't officially know, that was the point, and so she was really excited.
Speaker 1:So to see her excited made me excited, anyway so we need you all to like, comment, share, share this video, because my daughter is taking up every ounce of we done canceled all vacations for the year.
Speaker 2:I know we haven't yet.
Speaker 1:There will be no birthday. There will be no adult birthday parties. We will no longer get anything for anniversary. Bye, all of our extra cash will be spent on gymnastics. Yeah, we appreciate the support.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so the only, the only other thing was like I had to break it to her that she wouldn't be able to do competitive dance.
Speaker 1:Thank God.
Speaker 2:Because the like if the schedule is kind of conflicted. So she was a little upset about that and of course we had like a whole crying session and I was like you can still. Yeah, she was like, but I love dance and I was like, well, you'll maybe still be able to do like a couple of classes.
Speaker 1:Oh, do you see my face? Oh, it looked just like her.
Speaker 2:Recreationally, like you know, like she does. But but I, you know, I asked her stop making fun of my baby. I had asked her. I was like stop, I asked her if you know which one she wanted to do. I was like you can choose. Like, even if you don't choose to do gymnastics, I want to do both we can do dance.
Speaker 2:I was like, but it needs to be your choice, because I don't want to like, just like you know, push her in one way or another, because I can genuinely see the love she has for dance, she loves dance. And it's starting to be one of those things where I can see it, like in her body. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Like it's starting to become, because she'd be jyrating them hips, oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:Ever since that child learned a body roll and a leg wrap, she ain't stopped. Her feet do not stay on the ground. If she's not doing a bag band, she's doing a split. If she ain't doing a split, she's doing a leg hold. If she ain't do I mean those feet. She don't have both feet on the ground all the time.
Speaker 1:Dance on the ground.
Speaker 2:So that was my highlight. But you know what I have to tell you about this? Tell me about it, boo Listen here, and it's going on like wildfire too on TikTok. What are?
Speaker 1:we talking about? Oh god.
Speaker 2:Tyler Perry's new movie Mia Copa.
Speaker 1:What is that about?
Speaker 2:Listen here. I love Tyler.
Speaker 1:I don't even know what it's about.
Speaker 2:I love Kelly Rowland. Let me just start off by saying Hold on, hold on, hold on hold on getting hair in movies and all that.
Speaker 1:Hold on. You had Tommy Kelly was in it. Now I'm in tree.
Speaker 2:As soon as you turn on Netflix, it's the first thing that comes up. Obviously, he ain't a true fan cause he ain't keeping up, so but, like I said, I mean the only thing that's a beautiful chocolate one. The only thing that kept me really entertained, like I was talking to my sister about it today and I was like, really the only thing that kept me engaged was what's his name? Trivante, I think it's Trivante.
Speaker 1:Oh really.
Speaker 2:I hope I'm not murdering his name. I probably am. But that's one of the things, that's one of the interests that kept me interested in the movie. The man huh, oh my gosh, you look good, you looking good.
Speaker 1:He ain't even seen it. I know, I know he ain't even seen it.
Speaker 2:No, Kelly's skin was like glowing.
Speaker 1:When has she not been glowing? And her hair like it's beautiful and everything I've been watching Kelly glow for over 20 years, but anywho, back in the movie.
Speaker 2:I don't know if at first I thought it was me, until I started reading the comments and the reviews that I've been seeing on social media. There was just a lot of things that did not make sense. That's most appropriate, like the storyline itself. I was like after I finished watching it I said now what was the point? And all that.
Speaker 1:Just wait to the director's cut.
Speaker 2:I was just left befuddled. I was left befuddled.
Speaker 1:Behooved.
Speaker 2:Behooved it, behooved me. Behooved that. There was a scene where she ran maybe a block, maybe two blocks, but then the car ride that she took back to the house she was running from was like 20 minutes. It behooved me.
Speaker 1:I don't know what short question it took.
Speaker 2:Listen here. It behooved me and if you haven't seen it, sorry, spoiler alert, everyone's pretty much seen it by now. I haven't, but you don't really watch movies like that. But anywho, there's a scene where okay, I'm just gonna say it like I said, spoiler alert and when I saw it it almost made me turn it off.
Speaker 2:So there's a scene where he this is, after he has told her that he finds her attractive, he gets upset because she is attracted to him, but she won't tell him that she's attracted to him, right. And so he starts throwing a fit, like men do, and he has this girl come over and she walks up and she's butthole naked and she was like, oh hi. And she introduces herself and he was like, oh, it's fine, she's not staying. And then he walks over to next to the bed and then she just starts to him and Kelly is standing there and he's looking at her making eye contact while this woman is doing this. So Kelly gets upset, she walks off, she pretends like, well, she's gonna leave.
Speaker 2:She gets in her car, Her PI texts her some videos that would indicate that her husband was having an affair. So of course this enraged her. She got upset, so she goes back upstairs, and when she gets back upstairs now he and the girl are actually engaging in intercourse, right? And so Kelly walks up there and watching them as they are doing this, and then she gets off of him. And then he gets up and him and Kelly start kissing, and then he drives from one loft to another loft, which looks like the exact loft they were just in, and then they make love.
Speaker 1:That sounds like a Derek Jackson situation.
Speaker 2:It's like okay, so we just gonna have Kelly come in behind home check after she was just riding his hips, like well, that's what we doing. Like you literally just saw him with this woman, raw dog, and now you fit. I said I can't.
Speaker 1:That's a Derek Jackson situation.
Speaker 2:This is too much, for me too much.
Speaker 2:And then, despite that, I think for me too, because of how the trailer and everything was set up, I was expecting to go on an emotional roller coaster. Right, you know how much I love movies. Going to the movies is my thing. I love watching movies, I like thrillers, I like action, I like movies. So, as the storyline is going, I'm waiting for that moment where I'm like, oh okay, this is gonna be good, or like a twist or a turn that's gonna surprise me. I felt like it was a little predictable, I felt like I knew what was coming next. And because I kept feeling like I knew what was coming next, I never got like that high. I never went up.
Speaker 1:I felt that way about movies for the last 10 years.
Speaker 2:That's why I don't really watch them and I don't understand, because I feel like it should have, it should have given me, nothing surprises me. It should have given me a lot.
Speaker 1:It wasn't giving.
Speaker 2:It was a little disappointing.
Speaker 1:Okay, but what were we giving today?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so.
Speaker 1:You know our whole rant.
Speaker 2:Sorry, sorry. Well, you know, this is my turn Week, but any who.
Speaker 1:That was your day, not your week.
Speaker 2:Bye, Any who. I wanted to get into the topic that we're gonna be talking about today, which is about I really let my wife know.
Speaker 2:Which is about men like being providers. So I wanted to get into this. I wanted to get into this because I feel like there is so much pressure on both sides both men and women and I feel like sometimes it's it can be unnecessary pressures, and I think what society likes to do is interject very traditional aspects about marriage and relationship and trying to apply them to modern day without making the adjustments, and then we're all putting unnecessary pressures on each other and then we're all like judging each other and judging men for not doing this and then judging women for doing this and vice versa and everything. But this particular clip had stood out to me because of him saying basically, like if you're not doing this, essentially you should not be dating or you don't deserve to date. So I wanted to get your perspective about it and just kind of like have a little bit of a dialogue about it, because I thought it was really thought it was really interesting.
Speaker 1:A dialogue or a monologue, Just one clip. I'll be honest y'all.
Speaker 2:Just one clip. I have a lot of laundry to get done.
Speaker 3:So what if you couldn't provide? Then I'm not ready to be in a relationship with a woman. In fact, that's how it used to be in the old days you have to make enough money to be able to support a woman, or you really shouldn't be in a relationship with a woman if you cannot support her. I believe that because, again, the same guys that will argue against what I'm saying right now because I know a lot of guys get upset about my viewpoint on this they complain about single mothers and women raising weak men. In order for a woman to be there to raise her kids, a man has to be able to provide enough for the entire family so that she doesn't have to work. There's nothing wrong with women working, and women can do a great job. It's more beneficial for a family if there's one sole provider. That's not possible in modern society today. Everything is too expensive, in which case it's like well then, maybe you're not ready to start a family, maybe you're not ready to get married. You're not a man.
Speaker 2:I'm never ready.
Speaker 1:All right.
Speaker 2:So what are your thoughts? Well, no, what are your thoughts? I want to get your point of view. I think he may keep I want to get. Yeah, so go ahead, go ahead.
Speaker 1:Okay, I don't. Now, I'm uncertain. You want me to talk or not? Stop it. I think he made some valid points. Okay, to the degree that I can only Now, let me preference this by saying I can only speak for myself.
Speaker 1:These are my beliefs and they may not be popular, but I do believe that, as a man, it is your responsibility to provide, like I've said many times before, on more levels than one, and I also don't think it's. I also don't think that you're less than a man if you're not providing 100%. I'm not fond of the Of the 50-50 conversation. I'm not too fond of that because I feel like a relationship is never gonna be 50-50. One person's always gonna do more than another and in the financial sense, being a man, being a provider, you have to ensure security. Financial security is also physical security for your partner. So I do think that a lot of times, a lot of men jump into things and they're not necessarily ready to be fathers, but it doesn't discount the fact, or discount the ones, rather, that our face would fatherhood, our marriage or whatever the case may be, and then they step up to the plate. I also believe that some of the blame lies on women for chasing certain guys, but in the aspect in which he's talking, I do feel like as a man, you should not step to the plate today or to involve yourself with a woman unless you can take care of her basic necessities. Now, I'm not saying provide her a extravagant lifestyle, but as long as you, if you guys, are married and under one roof, if you could maintain that, what your gesture income or singly, or at least some baseline level of living? I do think that should be the minimum requirement. Now, if she goes out when she works in addition to what you have, that's beneficial to the unit. But I don't necessarily believe that you should rely 100% on your spouse or your wife per se. This is just my views right Now, because even the way we have it set up right now right, it's like I don't necessarily rely on any income you make, because I always say your money is your money. But at the same time I'm not going to, if given the opportunity, put that income to good use right. And I also understand that there's been times in our relationship, especially early on, where we could not have this dynamic, because there was time where you made more money. But even when you made more money.
Speaker 1:My whole goal, my whole vision was to get to a place for where I was the ethno factor, breadwinner you know what I'm saying and where I could take care of you 100% if need be, because I also knew the kind of partner I had. I knew that you were not going to work unless the situation caught for it. And even then I knew that you setting your career to the side would be something you'd take seriously. It had to be for a serious purpose. But I also never could fathom at the time I didn't think I could fathom a time where you actually would not be working. So I always just tried to, always had the mindset of I'm going to put myself personally in a position to where, if need be, I can carry us and anything you bring. That just adds more value to our life as a whole.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, I like what you said. I think the thing is now when we look at so. For instance, I know I had read there was a study that was done and it said the average household income in California for two, like basically working parents, is like a little over $100,000. And then if it's a single, like a single parent, it's like subtracted by like 40,000, I think it is. And given with how things are set up financially in the world today and given the amount of debt that, like consumer debt, the percentage of consumer debt that has risen since the pandemic, it's not so easy to say that a man can provide financially 100%.
Speaker 2:Like it doesn't necessarily make sense considering.
Speaker 1:He's given a minute at the end of this video and that's what I didn't agree to Like. If you understand the climate and the times that we're in now, then you should know that it's not possible or logical for a lot of men to be, in fact, 100% providers. The climate and the job market and the cost of living now is ridiculous. So now you have to. That's why I'm always say like the term provider. It's so broad that it doesn't necessarily mean one thing or the other. It encompasses a lot of things.
Speaker 2:But women primarily are referring to.
Speaker 1:Finance right, but I also think you have I'm gonna generalize this and say I also think you have the masses that understand for the most part, it's gonna take two to grow. It's gonna take two incomes to grow, and those of us that are fortunate to not need two incomes, we're just blessed to be in that situation. Right, it's not to say that we had a head start, it's just that we made some decisions.
Speaker 2:Or that it's not difficult at times.
Speaker 1:It's just that we've made some decisions to that worked out in our favor, Like for us, for instance, right. I think we both normally know that we'd be financially further ahead if you were working right Because of the income you could bring in, because of your education.
Speaker 2:The income that I had.
Speaker 1:Right because your education, all this stuff right and I think we understand that when we put our two incomes together, that it does. It would elevate our standard of living because we would be able to afford a lot more things with the introduction of your income, but at the same time we place a lot of value on the standard of bringing of our off child. So it's kind of like-.
Speaker 2:Our off child. I mean of our offspring. You're trying to say our child and then we'll bring it to spring, right?
Speaker 1:off child Of our offspring right. So it's kind of like we weigh the pros and cons of the situation and we decide that it's better just for you to be around in her life.
Speaker 2:Especially, just like now.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Because we've even had the conversation. We were having the conversation about me going back to work, because part of me wants to go back to work and I feel like if I kind of get back in there, like maybe part time or even if I can do something remote, but a lot of that is still revolving around what she needs and, yes, it would be nice to have the additional income. But I wanted to go back to what he was saying when he said that if, essentially, if a man cannot see himself providing for a woman 100%, like even today even though he said he understands what the climate is like today then he shouldn't pretty much be involving himself with the woman. Another thing that I have heard that could be taken multiple ways.
Speaker 2:Explain.
Speaker 1:Because as men a lot of times we know that you know when you meet a woman the extent of what you would go out and do for her Right. So I can't speak for me because obviously I've been with the same woman forever.
Speaker 1:But if you were getting back out in the day in pool, I wouldn't know the certain type of woman that I would be looking for, and it would take a woman to check these boxes in order for me to provide her with the same life I'll provide you, in order for me to go out there and literally hold her up while she lives her life as softly as possible.
Speaker 1:But at the same time, I do think that a lot of men view chicks as what they call jump balls. Like this is just something where I'm gonna get off and I'm gonna pass along, and a lot of times is that I don't necessarily agree with, because I feel like that's you wasting. Not only are you wasting your own time, but you're wasting the young lady's time. And so, as a man, you know, like you know, after having a couple of conversations, you have a general idea of what it would be like with the young lady or whatnot, right? So in that instance, I would say that a man would know off bat, right. Any woman that you would not lay down your life for are Mary. You know that you're not going to care for her or even try to provide her for her. To that extent, you know, it's just like how the ones that you may date some, but you only marry a few. So it's like it's that mentality.
Speaker 2:So okay. So when we talk about provision, like I said, most of the time women are referring to finance, right? I don't necessarily like, don't get me wrong, I don't necessarily disagree with what he's saying. I do think that if in the position a man should be financially responsible to his woman, okay.
Speaker 2:To his family, To his family, to his one, what well? I mean, even if you didn't have kids, like you were still financially responsible to me without before we had children, and I took her. Okay, exactly, so that's what I'm saying. The other side to that, which is what I heard today and what I'm starting to hear a lot, is even if a man comes in and takes 50% off your plate, financially, that's still 50% you don't have to be accounted to. So 50% should be better than none. So basically trying to say there should be nothing wrong with a man and a woman going 50, 50.
Speaker 1:Because, at the end of the day, even if you guys are going 50, 50, he's still providing 50% ease, right?
Speaker 2:Right financially.
Speaker 1:Financially, ease Financially Now, and that's what I'm saying, that's why I always say providing is more than financial Cause. Maybe, maybe you guys have to go 50, 50 on the bills because of the climate and the level of education, the jobs you have, so maybe you have to go 50, 50 on the bills, but then at the same time he's also taken care of 100% of all the quote unquote manly duties.
Speaker 2:But seeing, that's where things get messed up. That's where things get messed up.
Speaker 1:What.
Speaker 2:Because when we talk about going 50-50 on finances, right, it's 50-50 on finances, but in most cases it's still 100% of domestic duties on the woman.
Speaker 1:But then again that. But see, that's not to me, that's not partnership If you're 50-50.
Speaker 2:You 50-50 across the board.
Speaker 1:You're 50-50 across. Well, you're not gonna be 50-50 across the board.
Speaker 2:You know what I'm saying you know what I mean.
Speaker 1:But like, for instance, like you know, when we were, when we started off, when we were young cause we've been at this high school a fresh out of high school, living together right, I did most of the cooking. I was raised to cook, I knew how to cook, I knew how to cook, all right, right. So it's like, and even though I did most of the cooking, I still helped around the house.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Right, the only thing I wouldn't clean would be a bathroom, but everything else was up for me to clean, and you made it a point that I was cleaning these other things as much as you were. Right, right, but at the same time I was still the one putting the gas in your car, I was still the one getting your old changes. I would get your tires rotated. I still took on, like the quote, unquote, manly things.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I still did all those things and I still did most of the cooking right and I did some of the housework. So, but at the same time you were at that time, I believe you, it wasn't necessarily completely 50-50, because you were making it a little more than I was, so you were covering it a little more bills right. And as we both progressed and our situations changed and we got to the point where now, well, when we got to the point where we were pretty much equal, we're eating out, so cooking would. It wasn't really a thing.
Speaker 2:Which is the answer we're trying to break in the car because we don't live a dink life.
Speaker 1:Right, but at the same time I was still doing my part in the house, right, and I'm still doing my part with the cars. So it's like when I say providing like we talked about last week providing for me it's more than financial. I have to care about your wellbeing, both physically and mentally, right. So I have to provide for you in all of these areas, not just financially. And I think a lot of times when women say they're looking for someone to provide, they're not looking for a, they're not looking for someone to provide just a basic lifestyle, they're looking for someone to provide a certain type of lifestyle. And I think that's where the hangup gets, because I feel like a lot of people want to live above their means and they get into situations and now they're looking for people to maintain them a lifestyle for them that they could not maintain by themselves.
Speaker 2:And I agree with that. That just reminded me of a pot that I was listening to today that pretty much referenced that. It's like you can have a man like, let's just say, for instance, you can have a man who can provide 100% right, like you said earlier, but basic needs. Because I'm providing 100%, I can cover our bills, I can cover our mortgage, I can make sure you have groceries in the house.
Speaker 1:But I can't pay for the trips.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I can't pay for you to take a new trip with your girlfriend every other weekend. We can't afford to be making $1,200 car note.
Speaker 1:We're not doing it for our vendors?
Speaker 2:You know, because you want to drive a car that's acceptable in society and to make you appear like you live this certain lifestyle, because you're a kept woman who lives a soft life.
Speaker 1:So that's why I said the problem isn't provision, the problem is the level of provision that they require Because, like right now, I provide 100%. We could easily well, we wouldn't save any money, but we could easily go live out of a two bedroom apartment and have just Be balling. No, we wouldn't be balling, oh see see.
Speaker 1:We would not be balling, but we could downsize to something like that and I maintain everything and we not have the space right, but it wouldn't be deemed the same level of provision as what you have now, because now you have your own home, you have your own garage, your own yard, there's barriers and there's property lines involved and we're not sharing a wall, because once you stop sharing walls, you don't want to share a wall again. That's just what it is. Yes, you have.
Speaker 2:I don't remember having a bed.
Speaker 1:I'm not gonna go through detail with that, but that's what I'm saying. It's the level of the provision. Right, and I think that's where people get caught up in is that people want to have these standards, and it's okay to have standards, but are you meeting these standards by yourself? Don't live in a roach-infested apartment.
Speaker 2:By yourself.
Speaker 1:By yourself, but then expect someone to put you in a five bedroom house.
Speaker 2:Okay, now hold on. Now. That just makes me think Because you know me, though that I've given it here If I'm living in a roach-infested apartment because that's all I can afford myself. And then you come along and you're more established and you are more financially progressed in life, and things like that. Why does that now like, why should I not want what your income can provide?
Speaker 1:If your income but there's nothing wrong with wanting it.
Speaker 2:The problem is expecting Okay, but-. The issues with expectations, but also if we're dating right, if we're dating, if recording we get engaged, which is gonna lead to marriage, why shouldn't I expect for my living arrangements to change?
Speaker 1:Okay, but I'm saying that there are people out there that have this expectation from jump.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:I'm not talking about the ones where-.
Speaker 2:We're already invested.
Speaker 1:We're invested and we have time together. Because if we're invested and we have time together, I want you out of there too. Because, I'm not trying to be sleeping with a roach-infested apartment. Because, everything I want in your house. I gotta leave there. I'm walking home naked.
Speaker 2:Okay, you can't bring the roach eggs back home.
Speaker 1:I'm not, they be like why you always show up to my house in a swimsuit? Because this all-.
Speaker 2:A swimsuit, maurice, a swimsuit Really.
Speaker 1:Swimsuit and walk meter and crocs. I'm not, and I got the house for the booty zone.
Speaker 2:I can't, I think with I'm just so I'm just so tired of hearing if he can't come into my life and take care of everything, then I don't need him. Okay, here's the thing. Yes, you might have to start off doing 50-50. Or the idea of 50-50. Or you paying on some bills or whatever. But work together to get to a point where one of you can potentially provide 100%. And if that is the goal to have the man provide 100% then let's work to get to a point where you can provide for us 100%. What I do feel like, I see, is, especially with a little bit of the younger generation, there's like this arrogance of men, kind of wanting to be on the same level as women when it comes to things like that.
Speaker 2:Okay, I'm just calling it like I see it, that's how.
Speaker 1:I You're on a certain level. How?
Speaker 2:Even like the finances. There are men that I have seen and that I have heard, obviously through social media, the things we watch, the things that we're consuming, where they don't feel like being 100% financial provider is fair, essentially Like why do-.
Speaker 1:I don't know people like that.
Speaker 2:Like why do I have to? Why should I have to share 100% of what I've accumulated in life financially and you don't wanna do nothing Because it's like-.
Speaker 1:But I think that's a product of society and that's a product of men, are well aware of what happens in divorce and men are well aware that we are the bigger targets and we are when you get to a point to where, if there's kids involved and there's marriage involved, we understand that we are taking all of the risk.
Speaker 2:You took a risk when you asked her to marry.
Speaker 1:Okay, we understand that, hold on, we understand that, right. So that's why I can. In that instance, I can see why people will say, well, no, we're gonna go 50-50, because in that way I have a baseline, that where it's always been 50-50.
Speaker 2:Word, you've worked, yeah.
Speaker 1:So it's just in case. Because, like I said, men we think we always think in just in case. We have a plan Like a man, I don't care what you say when a man meets another man, we size each other up. That's just, that's what we do. Rather it could be no violent intent, but it's like I'm gonna size you up just in case I gotta fight you, just in case something go down, right. So we think we're always preparing for the future of what could happen, right. So the mentality of I'm gonna keep you here, working 50-50, we're gonna go, you're gonna work, I'm gonna work, we're gonna go on and we're gonna do this. Just add in the third we do that as a form, in my opinion, as a form of protection of ourself, because, as men, we understand from a very early age no one is coming to save us.
Speaker 1:We have to put safeguards in place for ourselves because, at the end of the day, we understand no one really cares about what we have, what we're going through, or what we need yeah yeah, so in that instance I understand, and to that I always say that I never had that issue or had that thought with you, because I've always lived in the conviction that I picked the right one.
Speaker 2:Dang. What if I've been playing you this whole time and I've just been on the?
Speaker 1:phone game. I'm gonna be like your daddy and everybody after you gonna get hurt. What I'm saying is I got one bridge and if you burn it I'm not rebuilding.
Speaker 2:What bridge. You got one card and that's it. Once that card's been played, go.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna be a man whore for the rest of your life. Well I know I wouldn't be a man whore, cuz I'm not like that.
Speaker 2:Not even your personality like. I don't even see you being a one-night stand type.
Speaker 1:I mean I'm doing, I gotta do.
Speaker 2:Sorry getting off topic, but what you? I'm married, of course not if you weren't married, jerk face.
Speaker 1:I mean the pinnacle situation.
Speaker 2:No, I would be if.
Speaker 1:I would have me. If I, if I for fact would never see you again, I wouldn't care.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but like that's a stranger understand.
Speaker 1:You don't understand the power of alcohol.
Speaker 2:Well, I haven't had alcohol in four years.
Speaker 1:When you sometimes, when you feel, alright, you just want to get it off, you Walk away.
Speaker 2:I don't know. I think it'd be the flirt I like. I feel like if I were single it would be like the chasing and a flirting for me.
Speaker 1:I honestly I'd be like I. I have to have something in common with you, or at least some chemistry, to go that way. That's just how I'm built. I'm not. I'm not one of those guys that can run through.
Speaker 2:I've never been that way I would just be chasing that giddy feeling that you get what someone's like flirting with you and you know they like you like. That's my thing, that's my dish, that's why you always flirt.
Speaker 1:So like yeah, but you know, if something was happening us, I'd probably be single for a while, or I'd only get out with an older woman. I she got to be at least 10 years older than me. I'm dead serious. You think I'm playing? At least, I don't want no young girls. My back ain't for that.
Speaker 2:Cuz you know, I know such thing as 38 years if some have some happen us.
Speaker 1:if some happen us, I'm looking for a a, a, a nice late 40s recently would or divert divorce young lady, that's where she can help my in me, majors, they who can help my in nothing. Her kid, her kid's, gotta be grown.
Speaker 2:My dude, you only two years away from 40 late 40s.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I'm 30, I'm about to be 30, so I'm looking for somebody. 48 for you.
Speaker 2:So she could very much for you, for the teenagers.
Speaker 1:She and I know grown kids, only I.
Speaker 2:Don't know, I got. I got a soft track, yeah you did, you did.
Speaker 1:Sorry you did. Okay, yeah well just a little for the record. Let the record stay.
Speaker 2:Well, you got a soft track last week, so Lucky, I love you yeah but any who, like I, was saying I, I do feel like, especially now when it comes to the whole conversation about the whole 50-50 thing, I feel like some yeah, it was the flows some men are and I and I guess, if I try to put, if I tried to put myself into mind, instead of like being a man and the societal pressures that come with being Like, quote-unquote, the leader, the provider, Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:I can understand the, the weight. You know what I'm saying. Like that would be just like what if, all of a sudden, I now had to somehow provide for our entire.
Speaker 1:But it's not, it's not, it's not. On that, I think a lot of men because I get this way sometimes I feel like a lot of men we just get irritated with y'all women because it's like cuz, y'all, y'all, y'all want to scream equality, quality, quality, but hold on, hold, on, hold on. I Need you take care of me, though, but you want to be equal. That's not how it works, you, you want to be equal. So we say, okay, go ahead and give me your half of the light bill, give me your half of the mortgage. Oh, not like that, though, not like that, though. No, but that's not it. See, that that's the thing. Once you start, one thing, you have to be all inclusive.
Speaker 2:But see y'all want to check eight and eat it.
Speaker 1:Hold on, hold on ma'am, we live in a world yes, I did. We live in a world where we, you have to be all inclusive, you have to be inclusive. So by you wanting to be equal, you know, if you say you're a modern woman, I expect half.
Speaker 2:This is a medic and I want half.
Speaker 1:Okay, I.
Speaker 2:Love you.
Speaker 1:Workers do, so come my check. I can't better get my check or you can be on the street.
Speaker 2:All right, it's leaving your car. We're gonna go straight into, we're gonna go to our car, can you?
Speaker 1:want to be a modern woman.
Speaker 2:I don't refer to myself as a modern woman. I refer to myself as a updated version of the system. Woman.
Speaker 1:What Updated version of the system woman? What the hell is a system woman?
Speaker 2:I don't know the system.
Speaker 1:Okay, I will say some voltage.
Speaker 2:Okay, we're gonna go straight into our two cents. Okay, so I have one for you today.
Speaker 1:Oh.
Speaker 2:All right, let's see. Oh this one says I'm becoming more aware of what my husband cannot do for me in the future. How do I move forward?
Speaker 1:Okay okay.
Speaker 2:So I've been married to my husband for two years. We met back in November. In 2021, we bet yeah. In November 2021, we hit it off instantly. The time together was never ending. Our sex life was great. I finally found someone I clicked with and didn't have to take care of him because he held his own. Shortly after getting married, the sex we were having went from once to twice a week to once a month. Our Conversations were single-sided conversations and the company felt like a friendship.
Speaker 2:Now, in the future, after we've had multiple conversations about it me writing letters to him One of our friends stepping in for advice, having conversations with my therapist about how I can do better and be better and be a better partner for him, and how to approach these hard conversations I truly feel like I have done everything. I have asked him to join me in therapy and it is a sensitive subject for him and always gets cut short or he promises but he never follows through. I feel like I'm putting in the work to better myself mentally for me and us and our future kids. I just feel stuck, I don't feel appreciated and, to be honest, I am so checked out of this marriage I'm not sure how I can reframe from thinking to continue on. So I guess my question is what more can I do to save this marriage? How do I know when enough is enough? Just to be clear and sum it up, I don't just think we are on the same page anymore.
Speaker 1:I heard a whole bunch of eyes. That's all I need to know. I heard a whole bunch of eyes. I don't do, I don't feel so I don't this okay, that this is. I, I, I, and it's been two Years. The honeymoon phase is dying off.
Speaker 2:Yeah, life is cut your the ice coming down life is happening.
Speaker 1:Yeah he's probably stressing over something and he's not seeing. He's probably looking towards the future to make the future better, then dealing with the present a lot, a lot, of, a lot of these things be the job. Really don't understand how men think.
Speaker 2:Well, I don't think only that.
Speaker 1:I don't understand how.
Speaker 2:I think when we're talking about just like marriage this is what you know, what I get from it when you're in a marriage, particularly okay, um, there are multiple times within a marriage when you guys are not on the same page and For one of you or both of you, it could feel like Darn it damn. Like is this, like, is this it? You know what I mean. Like is this, is this that thing that's gonna do it like? I think is this time for us to like separate. Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm and you, if you have one person, like we would say that it takes two to tangle sometimes it's not going to be two of you to get where you need to get, to get back to where you need to get to. I believe that at some, some points in marriage that you're going to have to carry the entire thing to get, try to get back to a place, to where you guys can be on the same page or at least in the same book, where you're reading somewhere in the same book. You know what I mean, because you don't want to make any hasty decisions, right?
Speaker 1:Oh, you don't.
Speaker 2:And if you've made a commitment to this person, you've also made a commitment to not give up so easy. And if we're only two or three years in and the only thing that you're saying is your, your pinpoints of pain is the sex has decreased. Conversations feel one-sided.
Speaker 1:And I mean we can do a whole episode on that. But you say the sex has decreased. But have you changed Like, are you initiating or are you waiting for him to initiate? Are you, are you doing the things that get him going, or are, are, are, are, are, are. Is he just not showing any interest at all, like, or is he so focused on something else, or are when he initiates? It's not the way you want to. You want him to initiate, so you, so you throw off. Or he's initiating at times where you're not in the mood.
Speaker 2:There's so like what's going on with him?
Speaker 1:There's so many unknown things in this post. That's why I said that all I heard was a bunch of eyes. And then, when I heard the two years, it's like it's so the honeymoon phase is over and now the work starts. And now, since the work has started, you want to leave, and this is why I say a lot of marriages and a divorce, because people don't want to do the work. It's been two years and everything was great. Now life has hit and you don't want to do the work.
Speaker 2:But I think it's almost like that attitude of like you feeling like you've been living in like a fool's paradise, because how does things go from being amazing and I feel like we just clicked on so many levels. Life happens Now, now like we're barely intimate, we're not talking as much, you don't want to go to therapy. I'm doing this all I'm like, I'm trying to mentally like mentally strengthen myself so that I can have enough mental and emotional capacity to carry the both of us, but you're also not putting in effort.
Speaker 1:Life happens and I can say in our 22, 22 years together, it's like we've gone through stages of good and bad mostly bad and it's the only thing that's kept us together this long is the determination not to give up on one another. Right, and this is there as she's at a part in her marriage where she has to do the work and hold on. Hold on, please. And the whole concept of therapy. It's not easy for men to go to therapy because we're taught not to. We're taught from an early age not to talk about our feelings. So for him to go to a total stranger and divulge his feelings, that's something that's going to be very hard for him to overcome and I personally feel like you're not asking him the right questions in the right context, in the right tone.
Speaker 2:Just to even see, like a check in with him, like where is he mentally Right, like where is his headspace, because these could be pain points for you, but these are not necessarily pain points for him, because we receive information completely differently, completely different, completely differently. So it could also be that you've expressed these as your pain points, but because he can't understand how these could be pain points for you, it's hard for him to process it, and maybe he's trying to process it and maybe is not, you know, processing it in a way that also looks like he's trying to be helpful and be in this to rectify the situation with you.
Speaker 1:I just feel like it's. We live in a day and age now where people just think everything's so interchangeable and they're like, oh, this part of my life is not working, I'll just replace it with this. So my marriage is not working now, so I'll get rid of this one and I'll go out and find the next one that makes me happy temporarily, or this job's not doing. You know what I'm saying? It's just like people don't want to do the work, and a lot of times doing the work starts with self Like yeah, you're going to therapy.
Speaker 2:And that's what she's doing.
Speaker 1:You're going to therapy Like are you asking or talking about the right things in therapy? Right, are you trying to consider what he's going through? Are you trying to consider the things from his eyes? Because I personally, from personal experience, I can say, and I know for a fact, that my marriage got better when I start to see things through her eyes, or at least attempted to see the things through her eyes. But once you take yourself off the situation, then you might actually be able to see what is going on. But you just can't just give up after two years because you're not getting sex as frequently and you're not having as good of a time as you had before you're married. Of course you're having a great time before you married because the commitment was new and it was paper thin, there was nothing to lose.
Speaker 1:You could walk away at any moment. But now that your lives are intertwined together, now the work starts. So you have to do the work. This is the part of marriage we always say you have to do the work. You have to get to the underlying problem, get to the issue Now. If you do the work, get to the issue and it's something that cannot be maintained or fixed or amended or whatever the case may be, then you entertain the thought of walking away. But two years in, just because you're having one grievance, you want to be. If that's going to be your mindset, you might as well walk away, because every day is not going to be sunny and most of them are going to be rainy.
Speaker 2:Better get a good umbrella.
Speaker 1:Ella Ella.
Speaker 2:I love you. All right, guys, that was great babe. Oh, here we go. I told you stop doing it. I don't like it. This has been another episode of Life After I Do Podcast. If you are not doing so already, you can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok and YouTube at Life After I Do Podcast. You can also write into us at LifeAfterIDoPodcastGmailcom If you have any questions. If there's questions you want us to answer, you can totally email us, and you can be anonymous, If you choose. You get a new episode every Wednesday, guys. Until then, it's going to be peace out for now.
Speaker 1:Love them and leave them.