Why Did I Get Married? Part 1

Hold onto your vows - we're challenging the age-old debate on whether marriage is a good deal for women. Tune in for a fiery exchange dissecting if the institution is more than just a title and what it has to offer to both partners. By sharing our personal experiences, we paint a picture of marriage that's less about one-size-fits-all narratives and more about growth, happiness, and facing life's hurdles hand in hand.

Transcript

Preparing for Daddy Daughter Dance

Speaker 1 0:00

That's not something that everyone gets to experience, because I've also heard the whole debate about Anything that you can get within a marriage. You can outsource right. I've heard that whole debate too. I can get somebody to clean my house. I can get somebody to have my kids and all that. And all that is true all that is true.

Speaker 2 0:19

You can't, you can't buy the connection.

Speaker 1 0:21

You're not. What is it?

Speaker 2 0:22

you can't buy the connection.

Speaker 1 0:23

You can't buy the connection and at our base, core, as human beings, we all crave connection. Hey everybody, and welcome back to another episode of life after I do. I'm your host, nisha Jean. I'm here with my husband. Well leto, how's everyone doing there, malito, hey Malito.

Speaker 2 1:02

Hey.

Speaker 1 1:04

How's it going? It's going right. I feel like we're just kind of coasting. We kind of coasted through the week, at least I did.

Speaker 2 1:13

My week was actually pretty good.

Speaker 1 1:14

Oh, that's good, that's good.

Speaker 2 1:16

I was home before seven o'clock every day.

Speaker 1 1:18

Mm-hmm, that you were and and your daughter appreciates that. Now she says, like she was, like mom, is dad gonna be early or late? And I'd be like I guess early, because I guess she considers late late.

Speaker 2 1:38

Late means yeah, I come home when she sleep.

Speaker 1 1:41

So yeah, that was pretty nice, but how else? How else was your week? Babe was trying. You just said it was a good week. Now it's trying. Yeah, it was trying. Okay, sometimes good explain Sometimes. Sometimes test are good, okay, detail.

Speaker 2 1:58

I wrote what the punches I made it work for me detail. There was changes that work oh.

Speaker 1 2:05

Like what I didn't hear about those you heard about them.

Speaker 1 2:08

I did it because every time I ask you how your day was, you always say Terrible. So much so that our six-year-old, when you asked her how was school yesterday, what did she say? She's a terrible. She was like terrible. And so he was like terrible because she's never said that before and he's like terrible. Why was it terrible? When she's like oh, come on, you know, daddy, and I'm like that's because that's how she hears you talk about your day, like every day for the last 24 hours.

Speaker 2 2:37

All I really hear from her is day-dart dance.

Speaker 1 2:40

Yes.

Speaker 2 2:40

I get to be Princess Yara.

Speaker 1 2:41

Yes, she has daddy, daddy, daughter dance and she's really excited about that. I want to pick her up some tights yesterday. So she it's a, the theme is Princess theme and she wanted to be Princess Tiana. So we got her Princess Tiana dress. We got her little wand, her little scepter, her crown and she's got like the long evening gloves. She's got like a little stole that she's gonna put on and I thought the dress would be longer, but the dress comes to like the middle of her calf and she picked out open-toe shoes and it's like 50 degrees outside so I'm like I'm not sure how this is gonna look, because she's got open-toe shoes.

Speaker 2 3:22

The dress comes to her calf, she's definitely gonna be putting tights on her. She's gonna look great.

Speaker 1 3:27

Yeah, I just feel like it might be one of those photos that when she's like 16 or 18 and we look back at it and she's gonna be like mom what is happening in this picture?

Speaker 2 3:37

and we gonna say this is what you want.

Speaker 1 3:42

That's what we gonna say. We're gonna be like, boo, this was you baby, baby girl.

Speaker 2 3:47

This is you girl.

Speaker 1 3:48

This is what you picked out. You wanted to be Tiana, and this is what you picked out.

Speaker 2 3:52

You like. You literally went on Amazon. You picked out all your stuff. She did.

Speaker 1 3:57

So I'm just thinking about like her hair, because the tiara that we bought it was a child's tiara but when it came in it's like legit the size for maybe a teenage girl. It looks like a. My friend said it looks like a Keen Sienna tiara because it's like it's like a tiara tiara, like a crown. It's crown basically, and it's a little heavy and it's got like those heavy-duty hair clips and stuff with it. So I Don't know. I know she's really excited and that's all she's been talking about all week. It's like daddy daughter dance. If there's one date she's kept up with for the weekday, she's like February 9th, it's it's.

Speaker 2 4:35

February night. I know we were recording Friday, so anyway yeah. She woke up this morning. She's like that, today's the dance. I said I know, phoenix, you won't let you won't let me forget, you have not let me forget. We finna go in this school.

Speaker 1 4:51

She never stays like last year, you think. You guys stayed for like an hour and a half and then she was over it once we saw we're gonna go in this school.

Speaker 2 4:57

She finna drink this sugar to you punch and eat these cookies and cupcakes. She gonna shake a leg for about 10 minutes and, like dad, I'm ready to go. I'm already prepared cuz.

Speaker 1 5:07

Last year she was so pumped and I think it's also because she didn't know what to expect. You know, like it was her first dance, everything was really new. Dad bought her home a rose and like Properly asked her to the dance. Like it was like a whole little thing. We did the whole thing last year, and so she Don't know that just sure. Yes, you are. I know and so she was like really excited and so she didn't know what to expect.

Speaker 2 5:31

And then once it's like once she saw what everything entailed, she was like Okay, she dance like two or three songs with her friend and she was like that.

Speaker 1 5:40

She was like that was fun.

Speaker 2 5:42

So you want to go? She's like, yeah, let's go she was like yeah, that was fun. I think I did take her dinner afterwards. I don't know, I don't remember that?

Speaker 1 5:49

I don't remember, probably not, but yeah, so but there's that, so I've spent most of my week, just kind of like Trying to prepare for that, and then you know, doing the other weekly, the other weekly do diligence, yeah, but that's it. I mean I had a pretty uneventful week outside of my regular norm.

Speaker 2 6:14

Really good. So you complained about your mouth all day, oh.

Speaker 1 6:17

Well, because I had to get dental work done and I'm convinced that he, like I don't know, like I think my tooth is shorter.

Speaker 2 6:27

Mmm.

Speaker 1 6:28

Like it's weird, like when I brushed my teeth and you know how you can run your tongue across your teeth, I read my tongue across my teeth in the back and I feel like I feel like my tooth is like shorter. I feel like he took some of my tooth.

Speaker 3 6:43

And.

Speaker 1 6:43

I can't. I can't be for certain, but when I feel the other tooth on the other side, it feels taller Than the other tooth on my left side and I don't remember feeling like I had a short tooth on my left side prior going into the dentist office. But when you get so darn numb you don't know what the hell they're doing in there.

Speaker 2 7:05

I'm gonna get you to take for me. Huh, I take for me a tape?

Speaker 1 7:11

What type of tape?

Speaker 2 7:12

just we do randomly talking about stuff. Why cuz it puts me to sleep. I'm so used to hearing your voice. I think I've conditioned myself to only pay attention, like when you serious, when you start talking.

Speaker 1 7:31

I said, oh, so, okay, I'll be listening. No, you clearly don't. You literally just said I've been conditioned to fall asleep when you talk. I'll be listening.

Speaker 2 7:46

I just be like oh.

Speaker 1 7:48

See, now it'll be a problem. If I start talking to somebody else who wants to listen, who enjoys my voice, who wants to hear me talk, Then he gonna be talking about oh, you think that's appropriate?

Speaker 2 8:01

Do you think that's appropriate?

Speaker 1 8:02

I will think it's appropriate if, when I talk to you, all you do is fall asleep.

Speaker 2 8:06

Does that transfer to other areas in the relationship?

Speaker 1 8:09

Like what If you start falling asleep? If you start falling asleep Now, here, now, listen here.

Speaker 2 8:21

Because you were talking and I was listening and I was like I don't really care about this. I was like I said oh, I said this thing is important.

Speaker 1 8:35

I feel like this is a perfect segue into what we're talking about. I swear, hold up.

Speaker 3 8:45

Especially in the first part of the clip that y'all are gonna hear.

Speaker 1 8:48

You're gonna be like, after hearing the crap he just said, when she says what she says, just listen. You're gonna be like, yes, this is us women. We do put up with a lot. What do you put up with? I just said when it's important, I listen. You don't. I do. Okay, listen to what you said before. You said I think I have conditioned, meaning that you have made a valid effort within yourself and your own mental. I think your words. I think I've conditioned myself to fall asleep when you talk.

Speaker 2 9:24

Okay, listen, no, hold on. No, no, no, let me clarify. No, there is no clarification. You said what she said. There is Because, to the people out there watching and listening, I've been with my wife 22 years- she's going on 22 years. My wife is a talker. Even when we was kids she would talk, talk, talk, talk. In 22 years I have heard every story.

Speaker 1 9:49

You haven't.

Speaker 2 9:51

Every childhood story, Every high school story I'm a part of, I've heard the college stories by now. From coming home, it's like at this point we don't have much new material to talk about. We talk about our child and things of excitement that happened that day. A lot of times when you start talking about stuff that you know here she's talking about law and order, she's talking about this, who killed who? On whatever she's listened to this week, I'm like no, this is not going to hold my attention. I have to really try, but Hold on, Hold on. But when we're having a conversation, a serious conversation, I'm listening to you. I'm not falling asleep then. But when you just talking because you're chatting Catholic mode, I'm like, oh okay.

Speaker 1 10:47

I show interest when you sit there and you talk to me about your anime comic of 200 chapters. Hold on. Hold, on Hold on Hold on you finish. Hush it, hush it. Why you gotta hush it, hush it? Yes, hush it.

Speaker 2 11:05

You want to fight on episode Hush it.

Speaker 1 11:06

Because I let you finish, okay, so.

Speaker 2 11:09

Did you?

Speaker 1 11:09

know, yeah, I did, I didn't say anything.

Speaker 2 11:12

I let you finish Because when I tell you my story, I have.

Speaker 1 11:13

I let you finish, I have inflections In a nutshell. In a nutshell, in a nutshell, I got to get deep into the mic. In a nutshell, you all just heard my husband say that he has zero interest. He has zero interest in anything that I have to say that's not true. Listen to me. He you just heard him say he has zero interest in anything that I have to say. That is not what he deems important. Or entertaining, or we're not having an important conversation it was entertaining Right.

Speaker 1 11:44

So anytime that I am speaking, as we already have learned previously, he has conditioned himself to fall asleep when listening to me. So, even though his eyes are open, he's basically just admitted that he's checked out. So the next time I pitch a fit about when I feel like he's not listening to me and then he becomes combative about how he is listening to me. You just heard that he said he basically doesn't listen. Listen to you. You're not listening to me.

Speaker 2 12:17

I'm saying, when we're having discussions, I'm listening. Okay, we're having a discussion. Now. What I'm saying is no, you were telling the people about your week. I knew about your week. You were telling people about my week.

Communication Issues in a Relationship

Speaker 1 12:27

I knew that. No, about my week I did. You had no idea what went on with you last week I asked you about your day out, every day. You absolutely do not, maurice.

Speaker 2 12:34

I don't say how was your day?

Speaker 1 12:35

No, maurice, I ask you about your day, every single day, and every day. You say oh, it was work, or you say, oh, it was terrible.

Speaker 2 12:43

I walk in like you can say hey, babe, how was your day?

Speaker 1 12:45

No, maurice, you walk in you give me a kiss and you say hey babe. And I say hey babe, how was your day?

Speaker 2 12:50

You're not going to cap. You're not going to cap me, you capped. I asked you about your day. Okay, I even called you throughout the day. I'm like what you doing, what's going?

Speaker 3 13:00

on.

Speaker 2 13:00

That is true, but we're talking about but I'll call you throughout the day and say how's your day going. So I asked you about your. I don't. Yeah, you do you, finna cap? I wasn't capping anything, okay. So by the time I get home at night, I genuinely know what happened already. That's why I do it. I get the stories off the way before I get home so when I get home I can do what I want to do.

Speaker 1 13:24

That is a plan. Don't act like you can sit here and have a bubble all you want. I just want for the record I just want this for the record that you said that you give two shits about what I'm talking, about what I'm speaking. I just want that for the record.

Speaker 2 13:45

That's not true all the time.

Speaker 1 13:46

I just want that for the record.

Speaker 2 13:47

That's not true all the time. So, that's not true all the time. So let's be honest, your storytelling skills are a little lackluster. Oh, I mean, when I tell you my stories, there's intrigue. No, there isn't. There's action, there's inflection in my voice. You know what I'm saying. I'm giving you a whole performance. You talk in the same tone and I be like she is. You're mentally drowning yourself out because it's like but I'll be trying to listen, though. I'll be trying. It's not my fault that your voice is smoothing. I've been listening to you.

Speaker 1 14:27

I'm like, oh my God, but you think that I want to sit here and be? Do you honestly think this? Let me inform you of Excuse my language, but let me inform you of the type of shit my husband will call to talk to me about, since he gives me such intriguing and lustrous conversation. He calls and tells me about the shit he took, because you only know and what his shit was like. You do the same thing.

Speaker 2 15:00

No, no, marys, I don't purposely call you to start a conversation with my bowel movements. Starbucks is working today. Listen here.

Speaker 1 15:09

But he gives me such intriguing conversation. Hold on, hold on. And then you follow that up so eloquently with the current chapter of anime that you're on it's going down and how Zuzukaike, what, whoever the character is, yeah, whoever the character is at that time. You follow up a shit conversation with Zuzukaike and how he's the father of the ghost son, who's a warrior, who everybody is after but nobody can get because he knows his.

Speaker 2 15:43

I don't even know what you're talking about. Exactly, exactly. You got your story all mixed up. That's exactly how.

Speaker 1 15:48

I feel when you're speaking about those things, you know what people?

Speaker 2 15:50

But People. You've heard it here. I will no longer do this.

Speaker 1 15:54

This is the difference between you and I. Now once, do I ever make you feel like you cannot call and talk to me about your shit, or about your anime, or about what's going on at work, about anything else I just want you to know, since we're putting everything out on a front sheet. I do not give a damn.

Speaker 2 16:10

About my anime.

Speaker 1 16:10

I do not give a damn about the storyline of your anime. I do not give a damn about your shit that you took at work. I do not give a damn about the drama that's happening at work, okay, okay. But I wanted to create a space for you to feel comfortable to have those discussions with me, because I genuinely want to know what's going on with you, not necessarily caring about what you're reading, but I do care to know that you're reading, just going down, but you know what now that?

Speaker 1 16:38

everything is on front street. Everything is on front street. I don't care, okay, I'm going to I don't care, okay, so keep it to yourself. I'm still going to tell you no, I'm not going to listen. It's fine, and you know what I'm going to say.

Speaker 2 16:51

I'm a whistle.

Speaker 1 16:52

This is an angry response to what I said it is, I'm a whistle, so next time you call me she capping y'all Next time you call me and you be like bae.

Speaker 2 17:00

It's going down, bae, it's going down. I just dropped a deuce.

Speaker 1 17:06

I'm going to be like-.

Speaker 2 17:07

Hold on, okay, so hold on. Let's keep it a bing when I call Stop saying let's keep it a bing, that's my dude. He got me rolling. When I call and I take something like that, you're like me too. Me I just Come on Because.

Speaker 1 17:23

I try to make See there's a difference between you and I.

Speaker 2 17:25

Oh, now you match the energies now.

Speaker 1 17:26

I'm trying to create a welcoming space for you to speak to me.

Speaker 2 17:32

Have I ever stopped you from speaking?

Speaker 1 17:35

One of the most common things and responses that you can do is like oh, me too, I've experienced this too. Right, and if it's something that you've genuinely experienced, it's a genuine response. Yes, I've experienced this too, bae.

Speaker 3 17:51

Okay.

Speaker 2 17:53

See, we started off this while.

Speaker 1 17:57

You while it? No, you started it. Who are you talking about? You started it. You are me. You started it. You absolutely started it. Bae, I'm not saying every time you talk to me, marise, when you said you cannot take back.

Speaker 2 18:14

I'm not trying to take it back, but you weren't talking to me. You was recapping your week to the people and I'm listening to it and I'm like man, your voice is really soothing. Don't try to clean it up. Bae, I've heard your voice for so long.

Speaker 1 18:27

Listen here. You don't ever have to worry about me speaking to you again. I will only speak to you if absolutely necessary. You do not have to worry.

Speaker 2 18:36

You're not going to sit here and cat for these people.

Speaker 1 18:37

You do not have to worry about me again. So when you think that I'm walking around the house with an attitude and you're like why aren't you talking, I'm going to say why talk? No one listens.

Speaker 2 18:46

It's not the same. Why talk All I do?

Speaker 1 18:49

is put people to sleep.

Speaker 2 18:50

Oh my God, apparently not, because you were at the Phoenix for three hours last night and she did not fall asleep.

Speaker 1 18:54

So she did fall asleep. I was enjoying the chapter, so I kept going. She had been fell asleep, I was enjoying the chapter. We're on book number four of Harry Potter, the Goblet of Fire.

Speaker 2 19:06

How did we get?

Speaker 1 19:06

here and I was enjoying reading chapter three, so I finished it even past the time she was asleep.

Speaker 2 19:12

I can't be honest with you.

Speaker 1 19:13

You just took it like no, I mean, I'm happy that you were honest with me, because now you don't have to sit through the torture of listening to me it's not torture Okay. Well, now you don't have to sit there and wait until you fall asleep.

Speaker 2 19:26

I didn't say you were torturing me. I just said that sometimes.

Speaker 1 19:30

No, you said pretty much all the time Not all the time.

Speaker 2 19:33

I just said all the time.

Speaker 1 19:35

You said every time you talk, that's okay. Should we run the tape back?

Speaker 2 19:38

We ain't got to run it back. We're good, we ain't got to run it back. Oh, okay, what I'm saying, you guys can rewind it if you like.

Speaker 1 19:46

What I meant to say is sometimes when you're talking, when you're not talking to me. Perfect example. Wait now, you didn't add it. Yeah, hold on when you're not talking to me. That's not what you said to Mel.

Speaker 2 19:55

Perfect example, right? What was that last week? Whatever? Today, when I came home, you know if you didn't have to play that, when you're sitting here talking to your friend I don't want to put names out there when you're sitting here talking to your friend and I have my head in your lap, you was talking. I was literally like. I was like this is comfortable, and then you were all like I was falling asleep to you talking.

Speaker 1 20:14

You also had just come home from work, so you were tired. I'm always tired. You should get that checked out, because that's not normal. You know, this is a fact you always sorry babe, I can always say, babe, you can't, you can't clean it up what you said. You've already said.

Speaker 2 20:27

I'm not trying to say no but I can't unhear it. Your voice was supposed to be asleep.

Speaker 1 20:32

No, that's not what you said. You said every time you talk, babe you said every time you talk unless we're talking about something serious. Yeah, okay, so until I have something serious to discuss with you, I will no longer be speaking to you.

Speaker 2 20:47

Okay, that's fine.

Speaker 1 20:49

So I can help you out that way. I don't want you to be sitting there and talking about me in your head.

Speaker 2 20:54

I never say that.

Speaker 1 20:58

I don't. I never say that. Oh no, you no. This is what you probably say.

Speaker 2 21:02

Oh, this is good this is gonna put me right to sleep.

Speaker 3 21:06

Yes, keep talking, I've been like, I've been like mm. Okay.

Speaker 2 21:11

And then, every now and then you say something like oh what? And in my mind, like I'm listening, I may not be actively listening.

Speaker 1 21:20

No, you are actively listening. You're not empathetic listening, Okay right.

Speaker 2 21:23

So I'm actually listening in a moment so I can repeat to you what you said, and when I feel like, and when my brain like, hey, what she said was just important, then I run it back and I was oh yeah.

Speaker 1 21:32

But see now, what if my brain is telling me that everything I'm speaking to you about is important, but your brain is only picking and choosing what's important?

Speaker 2 21:39

Well, babe, that's the thing, that's where miscommunication comes in, guys. But that's part of the dynamic. Everything that's important to you is not important to me, and likewise, everything that's important to me is not important to you. That's just human nature. Just because it's important to me don't mean it's important to you, and vice versa.

Speaker 1 21:55

See it should be important to you. If it's important to me, though, because if it's- important. That's not how it works I know, but if it's important to you, it's important to me. I don't give a damn about I guess I just care more.

Speaker 2 22:03

I don't give a damn about Stanley Cubs. I'm gonna give a damn about Starbucks Cubs.

Speaker 1 22:07

Okay, but those aren't important. Those are things that I like. I'm just talking about those are part of a hobby Like those I'm talking about-.

Speaker 2 22:13

I'm talking about things in I'm talking about when we're talking about things in general, I'm not talking about certain things I'm talking about in general, I'm not Like I said, if you're talking to me about something that's important, that means it's serious and I'm listening. But when you're talking about Stanley Cubs, Starbucks Cubs, anything related to with crafting now, when you start giving me a T, I'm listening. I'm like what?

Speaker 1 22:36

She said what? Yeah, that's because you're full of drama. That's why.

Speaker 2 22:43

So the person that's spilling the drama, she's spilling the tea. I'm cleaning it up.

Speaker 1 22:49

What? Let's get into it.

Speaker 2 22:53

We don't want it to hold tanner.

Speaker 1 22:55

Oh my gosh, I can't. So, you know, I feel like this just kind of takes me into just the topic that we were gonna talk about, which is why get married? Why, because we love each other. That was like an example of like, if you're single, you don't really have to worry about these things. You know what I mean? Like if I was single, if I was dating him, like I do date him because he's my husband, but if I was dating him outside of being married, yeah, oh, wow, yeah, ok, I date you, I date you, you date me, do you?

Speaker 2 23:34

I take you out about your gifts. Oh, OK.

Speaker 1 23:36

You date me because.

Speaker 2 23:37

I call you, I send you text messages.

Speaker 1 23:38

I just feel like that whole thing about not listening to me is taking me to different avenues and stuff, because now I'm like, oh yeah, ok, yeah, you've been making a valid effort to date me more Because I listen to you, ok, but do you? But you shouldn't have, I shouldn't have to say like, oh, date me more, you should want to date me more, and if you don't want to date me more, then that makes me think like you just don't really want to date me.

Speaker 2 24:03

You don't experience you the way I experience you.

Speaker 1 24:08

Absolutely, that is absolutely true, and I tell you that all the time as well.

Speaker 2 24:11

So, if you experience, you the way I experience you.

Speaker 1 24:15

I would want to be around you, around me. Sometimes you would want to date yourself either. No, I love myself. I always like being around myself.

Speaker 2 24:22

I like being around myself too.

Speaker 1 24:23

I'm from my own, that's why you get annoyed when I go off and do things on my own?

Speaker 2 24:27

No, I don't. Yeah, you do, just tell me that you're leaving.

Speaker 1 24:29

I don't have to tell you I'm leaving, though.

Speaker 2 24:31

You're a married woman. I didn't know where you're going.

Speaker 1 24:33

Oh, that got serious real quick. Because, you're a married woman.

Speaker 2 24:37

Because if I walked out this door right now, I would say you get mad, let's talk to mother. You know what I'm out to leave. You get so mad, let me cut my location off and leave this house. You going to start texting me and if I don't respond.

Speaker 1 24:53

You shouldn't do what I do and leave the phone here.

Speaker 2 24:55

Oh, on purpose, huh. And then, if I don't respond, you going to say well, stay at that bitch. I'll say that.

Speaker 1 25:00

No, I wouldn't say stay at that bitch, I would just say, wherever you were, like I'm pretty sure you could stay there overnight, like if you were gone long enough, you, piece of shit, don't care for these people.

Speaker 2 25:13

Let's get into it.

Speaker 1 25:14

Let's just get into it.

Speaker 2 25:16

Because it's going to be a long.

Speaker 1 25:17

I'm sorry it was going to be a long episode because my wife See, now you've created a time restraint, so now we got to like speed through this.

Speaker 2 25:24

No, we don't.

Speaker 1 25:26

Anywho. So I came across a clip and I actually listened to the entire interview. It's like a two and a half hour interview, so the clip is also a little bit longer, but I just want to talk about just not just the gist of what she was saying, but a portion of what she was saying in regards to marriage. This came from I believe it's called the Hardly Initiated Podcast, and there was a debate on basically whether marriage is essential or not and does marriage benefit women. So just roll the clip, we'll play a little bit of the clip and we'll talk about it.

Speaker 3 26:08

When I hear long marriages, a lot of these women have put up with so much just to say that they stayed married. At the end, what? What does anybody really gain outside of a title? And for the? Specifically for the woman, because it's the women who are having the complaints and it is the women who need to be full and whole to be able to do what the nature of the feminine is to do, which is to nurture and sustain life. If you take the life away from a woman and you deplete her, there's only so much she can give after that and typically when a male has gotten everything that he wants out of her, he might not end the marriage. He might not end the marriage which is mainly a lot of the times why the divorces are on women to actually initiate and go through but he might not end the marriage. He may go get his needs met from other places and sustain that marriage while she's in a relationship by herself. Now the time might be ticking and ticking and ticking.

Speaker 1 27:25

Okay, so what are your thoughts about that?

Speaker 2 27:30

I ain't got anything to say no sir, no sir. I ain't got nothing to say because you don't like what I say.

Speaker 1 27:40

No, babe, I want to know, like, what's the point if you're?

Speaker 2 27:43

not this whole notion that you know no hold on.

Speaker 1 27:47

Before you start, just sorry, sorry to cut you off. I'm going to say before you start, remember you're looking at a snippet of a three hour conversation.

Speaker 2 27:56

Well, this implied notion that men use up and then, instead of leaving, they go get their needs met elsewhere. I don't think why there may be some truth to that. I don't think all men do that and I think my problem I have with a lot of these you know, battle the sexes clips and podcasts is that they try to generalize everyone into certain categories to fit their narrative. Now, if that was the case, you know when you turn, when your shoulder pop. I should have went down and got the paperwork, because apparently I don't use up all your youth when they're just shoulder popping. I should have just said, hey, you know, that's it. You know and, to be honest with you, you know what do we gain from.

Speaker 2 28:49

Marriage is like when you marry the right person and you have two people that are willing to work. You gain a lot. You gain a lifetime of growth, of struggle, of happiness, of overcoming, but you experience. It's about the experiences that you earn or go through with that said person. Right, you continue to evolve and grow and love each other more and more throughout, throughout the years, but you both have to be in it and let's not, let's not say that anybody who who interested into any type of marriage or our long term relationship. Both sides are benefiting for an in some degree. Right, that's the whole point of it. Mostly, you're there's a benefit for you, there's a benefit for me. So let's not say like, oh, just because one person got what they wanted or what they're after faster than the other, it doesn't mean that one person is as good or bad because of that. I think the whole point of marriage and again this is about you know, when we talk about doing the work the whole point of marriage is to be with someone that understands you and loves you to the, to the core, to your core. And if you chose poorly, then yeah, I can see you going through these kind of things where, as soon as things get tough, as soon as things are not going a certain way for one of the one, one or another that you know, they look for ways out or they go out and they try to fulfill those voids or hold somewhere else. I can see that if you're not together for the, for the right choice.

Speaker 2 30:15

But in our situation, since I can really only speak for me, there has been many times in our marriage where I felt like I was not getting what I needed or what I deserve. That did not. That did not make me step out and go obtain these things from my outside source. That made me come to you and say, hey, this is this is what I feel. I'm lacking Gauze regards. Regardless of whether you agreed or not, I'm telling you, I'm putting this information in in front of you. So I don't like clips like this and things like this, because I feel like it's in a very general term and I feel like a lot of people try to speak for the masses when you can only really speak on your situation and your experience your personal experience right Because, just like you know, just like whatever grandma say, like grandma had her experience with grandpa, grandpa had his experience with grandma.

Speaker 2 31:06

You know what I'm saying? Like we've heard stories of where grandma wouldn't probably was the one that went wrong and grandpa just was just doing what was right. Like so it's like I don't want to hear people generalize marriage to a degree like this, when you can only speak on you know what you have experienced, because I don't think that you know, you can go, you can have all the data, you can have all the polls. It still matters to what are the biases of the people taking these, these, these toll of these polls? Are they interviewing people that have been married 20, 30 years successfully and gone through bad times and then recoup and got back on good terms? Are they interviewing people who's been married two, three times and every time things go sideways or go south, they jump out of one marriage and head to another because they feel like they need to be pair, bonded with somebody. That's why I don't like, I don't. I don't like clips like this, because it's the generalization of stuff. It's like no, I think these, I think clips like this teach people the wrong thing, because us, as humans, we all look for connections right, and marriage to me it's, it's, it's a connection, it's one of the strongest connections you're going to have outside of your children, right Outside of your children and your mother, because those are the cause. Like you can you, you cause, you're always going to have a connection to your mother. The connection to your father may not be as strong, depending on the circumstances of your upbringing, but you're always going to have a connection to your mother, regardless whether she was in your life or not, because she is your mother, you came from her and you're going to always have a connection with your children. And I think marriage to me marriage is the third one. If you marry the right person and you are in love and you're and you're actually actively working for on both sides to maintain that, that connection is worth the title of marriage, the title of husband, the title of wife, and that's another thing.

Speaker 2 32:56

People don't take these titles seriously. We live in a day and an age where everything is just glorified to be put on my pedestal. Oh, I'm a wife, I'm a husband, I do this. It doesn't matter, the title does not matter if you're not putting in the work behind the title, like don't go out here and obtain titles just to say I'm this because a lot of people go out here and do this. There's nothing that you can't go out here. You can be a self-proclaimed anything, but what are you doing to? What are you doing? Or what have you done to actually earn that title? I can say I'm the baddest person on the block.

Speaker 1 33:33

Who have you fought?

Speaker 2 33:34

Whoever right? Who have I bested? You know what I'm saying. So when I hear things like this and it's in a general sense it's like, yeah, in a general sense, when you look, especially when you look at marriage legally, from a man's perspective, it doesn't make sense at all. It doesn't make sense at all. The risk is here. You know what I'm saying. But I think there are people who get married because of societal pressures and they don't necessarily are married for the proper reasons. But on the flip side, I feel like we were married for the proper reasons, I mean, we lasted this long, which we should be, hopefully and so I just feel like these generalizations ¡who have you? Okay? These generalizations, I feel like they hurt the marriage culture, especially black marriage.

Speaker 1 34:31

I can agree with that. So in the interview her angle was basically from the perspective of marriage. Doesn't what you're trying to act like you's going to sleep, I can't. I'm not doing this with you today. Her perspective was that marriage does not benefit women in particular. Okay, from her research and her own personal experience, which she, if you listen to the interview, she never really spoke of her personal experience until she was asked about it. And the reason why she didn't want to put in her personal experience because she didn't want that to look like a confliction with what she was trying to say or put in her personal experience or people using her personal experience as her fuel to what she was trying to say. But essentially she was saying that marriage does not benefit women. Men and women are so different that marriage as a whole doesn't benefit really either party, but mainly women.

Speaker 1 35:40

And when she spoke in the beginning of the clip, when she talked about what she found was, marriage is mostly about women being able to put up with things and essentially men continuously defaulting to their base self. So when a man is dissatisfied, when your needs are not being met, when you aren't getting essentially your way, you're going to default to whatever your human nature is to do, which is to essentially self-soothe and to get all of your needs met and get the things that you want. And when she talked about he's not going to initiate the divorce, it's almost like the whole idea of having your cake and eating it too. You know what I'm saying? It's like, no, you're not going to end the divorce or you're not going to ask for a divorce, because what you have at home is stable. You're not willing to give up your family. You're not willing to give up the disability that your wife does provide you.

Speaker 1 36:36

However, there's aspects of your marriage and your life that you're not completely satisfied with, and if you can just get that portion taken care of, everything else will be fine. It's almost like a compartmentalized thought process. Right, it's like everything at home is fine. I have a roof over my head. I have a great wife who takes care of home and our children. She's buried our children. My children are great. Everything is great. It's just this one little aspect of my life. If I can just get this taken care of, that'll be the icing on the cake. But why do I need to disrupt my entire life to take care of this one aspect, and that's what she talks about.

Speaker 2 37:12

I'm not going to leave the age to get this 20.

Speaker 1 37:14

Hold on. But okay, and I understand what you're saying when you're referring to the fact that her generalizing things, but she also does break down a lot of statistics as well, and one of the top two reasons of divorce is financial instability and cheating adultery Of people. We know men and women cheat, but of men who step outside their marriage to chase that 20 when they clearly have 80 at home. She goes into the whole study about also why men and women should not live together, which I found very, very interesting. Yeah, I mean, it was honestly it was a really great interview to listen to, because the opposite side of that that was being discussed is what the original purpose of marriage was from a biblical perspective, and what the role of a man is and what the role of a husband is and what the role of a wife is and what the role of a woman is. So he gave it more from a biblical perspective and she's giving it more from a scientific you know, statistic base and worldview perspective.

Speaker 1 38:28

So, going back to what are the benefits of marriage or is it even worth it? Like how she said, marriage doesn't benefit women. So I think about what benefits for me personally because, like you said, you can only speak to your own personal experience. For me, when I think about the benefits of marriage for myself, I think about the emotional support, right? So creating a bond, creating a bond with you Okay, I thought I'm a listener Listen.

Vulnerability and Connection in Marriage

Speaker 1 39:03

Listen, listen. I didn't say just listening, I said emotional support. Anyway, don't get me off, don't get me off track, I can't stand you the emotional support, right. So when I am having a vulnerable moment or when there is something that I do need to say or get off my chest, that I know that I wouldn't just run and randomly tell anybody, or even tell like my best friend or anything like that. I do know that if I need it to come to you and have a completely like naked, vulnerable moment, I know that I can do that.

Speaker 1 39:40

Do you know what I mean? Like I know that I can shed who I am to the world and I can get in front of you, bear in awe and just say what it is I need to say, and you not look at me, you not look at me in the whatever. The fear that I have in my head that you will see me like. It changed the perspective that you have about me, right, because you know who I am deep down inside. So that's not something that everyone gets to experience. Because I've also heard the whole debate about anything that you can get within a marriage you can outsource, right, I've heard that whole debate too. I can get somebody to clean my house.

Speaker 1 40:20

I can get somebody to have my kids and all that is true.

Speaker 2 40:23

All that is true. You're not going to get, you're not. You can't buy the connection.

Speaker 1 40:29

You can't buy the connection. And at our base core as human beings, we all crave connection. It's one of the main reasons when you're born, that's why you get an hour of skin to skin with your mother, because there there is something that's within us, the energy that's within us. We have to connect. It's like drinking water. We don't survive without drinking water. You don't survive without real human connection. That is a real thing. You do not get mentally strong without real human connection. You do not become more emotionally stable and progressive without human connection.

Speaker 1 41:07

So if in for that reason, yes, you could have a connection with somebody outside of being married. But, like I said, how vulnerable really are you being with the person that you know in your mind? There is nothing you can do or say that will push them away when you're having a vulnerable moment, right. And I just feel like not everybody can do that. Not everybody can do that, and even even some married people can't do it. Let's be honest there too, right, but when I think about one of the perks of benefits that for me personally, that I get in my marriage, that's one of them, that's a big one for me. What would you say was one of your benefits or did you fall asleep already?

Speaker 2 41:51

That, thing, what Huh that thing?

Speaker 1 41:56

That thing.

Speaker 2 41:58

That's my benefit.

Speaker 1 41:59

To mail.

Speaker 2 42:01

Yes, I did.

Speaker 1 42:03

Beings. I'm being serious. Yes, I guess that could be a benefit. I mean, if you want to tie that back into emotional support because you can get it anywhere, it ain't the same. Say it again for the people.

Speaker 2 42:21

I ain't saying it's the best, it ain't the same. I don't know what I benefit, honestly. Really, I don't know what I benefit from being married. No, because I feel like.

Speaker 1 42:35

You listed some earlier, but I mean go ahead.

Speaker 2 42:38

I mean, like here's the thing when I look, you know, 22 years, right, all the years we were dating like I don't feel, like I've.

Speaker 2 42:48

The only thing that's really changed since we've, you know, switched over from to husband and wife, it is to me, honestly, is we have a child, like that's only thing, that that changed. So I don't think that, you know, I feel like, you know, even though we didn't have official titles, we kind of operated. We've kind of been operating, as you know, married for most of the 22 years that we've been together. So I would say where I benefit now is that I, you know the things that you do for the family, not necessarily for me, but you know how you care for our daughter, how you take care of the house Though I've been from things like that and I also benefit from having knowing that I have someone that I can be vulnerable with at times and that I can, you know, come to you and you know sensitive moments and express myself to you and have you listen and sometimes not judge, Even though I can tell you're judging me sometimes through your eyes. You're like this more you know, but that will be my benefits.

Speaker 2 43:55

Again, like I say, like I don't. Another benefit I guess the biggest benefit I guess I can say is peace of mind that you give me. Like I don't, I'm not, I'm never thinking that you know there's something that could happen or something that could occur or go, or that we could go through that would drive us apart. I feel like, even when we are at each other's throats, it's still me and you against the world, like no matter what internal issues we may be dealing with at that time, when it's when time comes for us to unify, we're going to unify Now if we made unify and go right back to beefing because we need to resolve this. But we, I do think that we do a great job of being a single unit when it comes to just us. I'm not. I'm not not with the child, because sometimes she, she, makes us look bad, but just us.

Marriage, Gender Roles, and Communication

Speaker 1 44:50

Not should be making us look bad. Okay, so just really quick fun fact. Did you know that men who are married tend to live longer, healthier lives than compared to unmarried men?

Speaker 2 45:01

Not, black men though.

Speaker 1 45:04

Did you know that?

Speaker 2 45:06

You still going to outlive me, so what? I'm a diet 72 instead of 71.

Speaker 1 45:12

But why? Why would you think? Why would you think that would be true? Some sort of peace that your partner provides for you. Is it more of like the balance of life? Because here's the thing, this is what people will say you could still do all of those things on your own. Like I've told you before, too right, if I wasn't here, you would still feed yourself. If I wasn't here, you would still, I would hope, would I? Would I feed myself?

Speaker 2 45:41

Or would I go buy something.

Speaker 1 45:43

That's still feeding yourself.

Speaker 2 45:44

But I wouldn't get these quality meals. You know how I get my lazy streaks?

Speaker 1 45:48

You would still feed yourself, you would still clean your clothes, you would still go to work, you would still clean your apartment or clean your house.

Speaker 2 46:01

I've brought doing that.

Speaker 1 46:03

You would still do all of those things, right. But the fact that you are in a relationship, in a marriage, you don't necessarily have to take on those things alone, right, Just like.

Speaker 1 46:20

I mean, let's just say, like finances, right, we'll use for the example, like when I was working, that's also a benefit to your life. Is having two incomes, just like that would be a benefit to my life? Right, that wouldn't necessarily I miss those days. You know what I'm saying. I miss those days, you know what I'm saying. Like they're almost around the corner. So, but that's a benefit to you, right, that's a benefit to me as well.

Speaker 2 46:50

No, that's a benefit to us.

Speaker 1 46:51

That's okay.

Speaker 2 46:52

But what I'm saying is that we both benefit from that. We both benefit If you were a single male and you had to pay all that, all that, you.

Speaker 1 46:58

You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 46:59

But let's be real, let's keep it on it. Keep it to be. If I was a single male right now, when my income right now I'd be okay, I'd be. You know, when I cut out these dance fees and these gymnastics fees and these Starbucks cups Goodbye Cause I wouldn't be taking no Chan Fancy trips. I could feed myself $100 a week, Probably less than that. I could be some great Northern beans ham hogs or some turkey necks. Oh, my God that sounds so good right now.

Speaker 1 47:33

But see, since you're with me, I ain't got no other. I often do. You eat ham hogs.

Speaker 2 47:37

No, cause, you can't cook them.

Speaker 1 47:41

No, it's cause you're not gonna cook them in my house either. That's why, and Ergo I'm saving you a little bit. So there's your extra year.

Speaker 2 47:52

Right there.

Speaker 1 47:54

There's see, you have a sounding voice at home. So I'm sure that aids in it. You have a sounding voice.

Speaker 2 48:01

I have a wife that let's take down. Rabbit whole-seekers, beers seas.

Speaker 1 48:05

Anyway, but when she? Well, I think the thing too that really stuck out to me is when she talked about how marriage is just women putting up with a bunch of crap for a long time.

Speaker 2 48:20

I don't agree with that.

Speaker 1 48:21

Why don't you agree with?

Speaker 2 48:22

that Because I put up with your crap.

Speaker 1 48:24

I think we both put up with each other's crap Exactly we both. But I mean and then I could be biased because I'm a woman, but I am gonna go out on a limb and say that I put up with more crap than you. No, yeah.

Speaker 2 48:35

I'm gonna say it no, it's not that you put up with more crap with me, it's just that you're more vocal about the crap you put over A lot of times us as men, and I'm speaking for all men.

Speaker 1 48:48

Oh, you can't generalize, I'm gonna generalize this. You can't generalize this.

Speaker 2 48:51

I'm gonna generalize this because I noticed to be fact. We will overlook the small things and just say it is what it is.

Speaker 1 48:58

And just go buy it.

Speaker 2 48:59

And just go buy it and we'll just deal with it because it's not worth the effort to correct or confront it because it's so minute, right, so we deal with the same amount of mess. It's just that when I feel personally, when it comes to the women dealing with our mess, everything's more impactful because you guys interpret it as different. As a man, we prioritize what's important, what's not, and if it's not really gonna affect the day to day, we can let it slide.

Speaker 1 49:29

I don't think that's what it is. I think what it is is that we also know that we have to handle your ego, because, yes, you absolutely do have an ego, and I'm gonna generalize and say that most men enough, if not all of them, have an ego. So, the things that we there's just like how you said, there's things, there's things that you guys don't discuss and you prioritize it in your mind. We also have to do the same thing, because I also have to be aware that, whatever it is that I have with you or against you, I have to be mindful of your ego, because I also know that your ego cannot handle a lot. Are you saying I'm fragile? Let me say it for the people in the back who didn't hear. Okay, you're trying to say I'm fragile.

Speaker 3 50:11

Let me hear it, let me say it for the people.

Speaker 1 50:12

I didn't say you were fragile.

Speaker 3 50:13

Wow, that's crazy.

Speaker 1 50:14

I just know because, knowing you, I know that your ego cannot handle certain things Like what Give me an? Example, I'm gone. It's in the moment. So, like I said, In the moment.

Speaker 2 50:26

What do you mean?

Speaker 1 50:28

Listen, listen to what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 50:31

Oh, so you talking about hitting below the belt and argument no.

Speaker 1 50:34

I'm not talking about hitting below the belt, but what you just said, that as a man, you guys prioritize what is deemed important to bring to the forefront, right? So you say to yourself you know what, I can deal with this, I can live with that, I'm gonna get over it and move fast it because it's not big enough. Right? I'm saying, yes, women do the exact same thing. Right, we also do it on a level where we have to protect your ego, because there could be conversations and that need to be had.

Speaker 2 51:05

Okay, so to me that sounds like no different from a man protecting his woman's feelings. Okay, it's the same thing. There's certain things that I probably should say to you that I will not say because I know it will hurt you.

Speaker 1 51:18

Okay.

Speaker 2 51:20

And I don't address it because I know it will hurt you.

Speaker 1 51:21

Okay, well, there's like I said.

Speaker 2 51:24

So it goes both ways.

Speaker 1 51:25

Okay, so it goes both ways. Okay, but you talk about dealing with the feelings. We're talking about dealing with the ego. Well, you're you can still say something to me and I'll process it, and then I could probably be like you know what? Okay, I can see that from his perspective, and then we can have a discussion about it. Once your ego is bruised, there's not really much left there, because now you have a bruised ego and you can't see past your ego what it is I'm trying to express to you.

Speaker 2 51:55

I don't agree with that.

Speaker 1 51:57

That's why I like to have these discussions. We can agree to disagree. I'm talking about.

Speaker 2 52:01

for me personally, Okay, I'm not talking about man and this is. I don't agree with that.

Speaker 1 52:05

Okay, well, and this is why I like to have these discussions, I feel like we do a great job of communicating when there's issues. We do absolutely. And that's because we're intentional about it. That's because we're intentional about it.

Speaker 2 52:17

I don't think that you could bring an issue to me that would do with my ego.

Speaker 1 52:20

But I also know, because I know you, I have to be mindful.

Speaker 2 52:25

Stop touching me.

Speaker 1 52:27

I have to be mindful how I bring information to you Likewise, because I know your ego will get the best of you. Prime example what did he say? Because he doesn't want to see. This is exactly what I mean. You don't want to hear it anymore. So now your first response is to say wrap it up. Wrap it up, I'm dead.

Speaker 2 52:54

Like that one, that one, Bobby, not want to hear it. It's just we agree or disagree. We don't agree. There's not enough to discuss or wrap it up. See people, this is the secret of 22 years Y'all. I've had her laughing this whole time.

Speaker 1 53:15

Is that what it is?

Speaker 2 53:16

Yep, but please believe that's not listening to things. She's going to let this linger for at least three, four months.

Speaker 1 53:23

I mean, it's not something to let linger, it's just in my mind, she's going to bring it up every time. I have taken a mental note.

Speaker 2 53:29

She's going to bring it up every time.

Speaker 1 53:30

I've taken a mental note, and the mental note is don't talk to your husband if it's not important, because he's asleep.

Speaker 2 53:41

Maybe if it's about you, it's important.

Speaker 1 53:43

No, you're not going to be able to clean it up. You can keep trying all you want to.

Speaker 2 53:48

I'll fix later on.

Speaker 1 53:49

You can keep trying all you want to.

Speaker 2 53:52

I know how to set you straight.

Speaker 1 53:54

Yeah, I feel like we need to go into a part two, because there's a lot more that I wanted to dig in.

Speaker 2 53:58

We can always go into a part two.

Speaker 1 54:00

Yeah, we'll probably go into a part two because there's a lot more that I want to dig in. I want to get really underneath the surface with this one. And get your point of view on a lot of things, because I really want to talk a little bit more about some of the topics from that clip.

Speaker 2 54:18

Ok, something that let's give our two cents about something, and then we'll do part two.

Speaker 1 54:22

next week We'll probably have to do a part two.

Speaker 2 54:25

No, we will do part two people.

Speaker 1 54:28

All right. So, moving on into our two cents, let's see what we have.

Speaker 2 54:33

Something hilarious, is it messy?

Speaker 1 54:36

I don't know, because my husband is. He likes drama. It says. I accidentally read a text of my partner and it's not great.

Speaker 2 54:46

OK, you get fired, or something.

Speaker 1 54:48

It says I went through my wife's phone to look up a recipe.

Speaker 2 54:51

Hold on hold on, hold on, hold on. Why are you going through your phone?

Speaker 1 54:54

Listen. He went through his wife's phone to look up a recipe Capp. After unlocking it, the Messenger app opened Capp and it was about divorce. Capp, I shouldn't have violated her space. I wasn't trying to, my phone was dead and I was trying to make dinner, but still I violated her space, especially as I scrolled. I get, I got through it. Please be gentle as in.

Speaker 1 55:17

I'm in a dark place right now. My relationship has been very strained lately and we had a big fight about two nights ago where I needed some short term reassurance in our marriage before making a huge career decision but ended up going through an internal checklist of every insecurity I had in our relationship. It was awful of me to do that. Today I grabbed her phone while making dinner and saw she had texted a recently divorced coworker about a job offer I just received. The text that I saw went as follows the wife's friend you definitely don't want to move right now for custody reasons, but let's chat about it tomorrow at lunch. And the wife responded sounds good, he says.

Speaker 1 56:00

I panicked when I saw custody. So I scrolled up and saw this my wife His name got a job offer three states over, but we might be heading towards divorce, not sure what to do career wise. The wife's friend said yeah, I totally understand, sadly, the wife. I hate that I'm in this situation. I've tried to avoid it for two years but I think it's inevitable at this point.

Speaker 1 56:25

This friend came up in conversation an hour later as my wife was exploring career moves to mesh with mine and my wife denied wanting to talk to her about divorce at all. I don't know what to do. Our relationship is coming out of a bad place, but we have made amazing progress and are doing pretty good. So I thought I've never had my wife lie to me before. So this is earth chattering to me, as much as about the notion that she feels divorce is inevitable. Does this mean we're headed for divorce or she is just in a helpless moment? We just had a big win for us, but this fight might have set us back mentally. Please help. What's your thoughts, champ?

Speaker 2 57:07

Champ. You ain't never called me champ in your life. No, no, no student. First of all, sir, you're going to wrong.

Speaker 1 57:18

He was in all fairness. He was looking for a recipe.

Speaker 2 57:21

Yeah, yeah, you believe that story? I don't.

Speaker 1 57:23

Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 57:24

I believe, it. When you follow flies, you're going to find shit.

Speaker 1 57:32

What elderly person told you that?

Speaker 2 57:36

When you follow the flies, eventually you're going into some shit.

Speaker 1 57:40

Okay so.

Speaker 2 57:41

So so here's the thing as you say, you know you guys have argument, you have not been the best and you know that's that's I mean it's it's reasonable to believe that she's she's feels similar and she's thought about this, but maybe she's not. Maybe she's having internal dialogue with herself about not necessarily thinking that that is the correct answer, that maybe you guys can work with this, and she may possibly be being coached by this coworker you know, misery Loves Company.

Speaker 1 58:17

Coached.

Speaker 2 58:18

Yeah, because Misery Loves Company, you know. So I would say, sir, that I don't think your wife lied to you, because that conversation she had with her friends was that between her and her friends. And just because that, just because those are the words she said to her friend, does not mean that those words are true. She could just be trying to gauge the situation, have outside information and actually formulate her thoughts. She may be trying to pull the information from various sources. So I don't. I think I think you're putting more strain and stress on the situation and relationship than than what needs to be and any insecurities you have it's not up to your wife to secure you. You know. You know insecurity. You got to fix that within yourself. That's why they called it. It's, it's you know, it's called insecurity.

Speaker 2 59:11

So you got to fix yourself and maybe if you would actually sit down and have an honest conversation about the state of your marriage and figure out what the issues are and and what could be fixed, and maybe you guys have come to a you know, a rational, adult decision about what going forward. Because just because something appears to be a great career move, if the move is not good for the family, is it really a good move?

Speaker 1 59:41

Or like if your marriage can't really handle that right now. I get that First off. I do think that he was just picking up her phone to find a recipe. I do not think that.

Speaker 2 59:55

I'm happy. I'm happy. You believe that.

Speaker 1 59:57

I don't think that he was purposely going through her phone, and that's the world that I'm going to live in. Second of all, for a recipe he wanted to cook dinner. That's what he said.

Speaker 2 1:00:09

Like they didn't have a tablet in the house.

Speaker 1 1:00:10

They probably did it. Not everybody does, Okay, Although I was thinking well, where was his phone?

Speaker 2 1:00:17

But that's he said he had a charger, his phone was dead.

Speaker 1 1:00:20

Did he? I don't remember.

Speaker 2 1:00:21

Convenient Okay.

Speaker 1 1:00:24

Anyway, conveniently, his wife's phone to look for a recipe, and that's what I'm sticking to.

Speaker 2 1:00:27

any who happened to open up?

Speaker 1 1:00:30

And when the messenger when the messenger opened up, yes, he admitted to violating her privacy because he started reading, he started scrolling. I think that, yes, you definitely need to have a conversation with her to really gauge, to see where she is and how serious on the spectrum that she's considering divorce, especially if divorce is something that you don't want, if this is something that you both can agree to work on, like if she wants to work on the marriage to move it forward, I say absolutely, do all that you can to save your marriage, right, but it's going to take. It's going to take two people to do that. Like, yes, you can have one person, like doing all that they can to essentially save the marriage, but I mean eventually it's going to it's going to take two to tangle. It took two people to get married.

Speaker 1 1:01:26

There you go, the whole thing with the move. I know you mentioned that it's a big win. I'm assuming it's a big win because it's probably a really big promotion which also is going to come with a more financial gain. But I mean that's also you moving. I think you said three states over.

Speaker 2 1:01:45

That's a lot it depends on where the states are.

Speaker 1 1:01:49

I mean to move in general. But even when you figure that you're moving three states over, especially if there's children involved, you're still going to be removing yourself and your family out of your comfort, something that you've been in the place that you've been in for quite some time. So that already presents its own challenges. You know what I'm saying. So I would just say I think there really needs to be a hard conversation about if divorce is really something that's on the table. And if it is, if she's feeling like divorce is her only outlet because she is having a moment where she doesn't see how you guys can reconcile, then that's a conversation that needs to be had.

Speaker 1 1:02:35

Either she reassured you in the marriage maybe there needs to be some more reassurance from you to her to put her back into a state of like okay, maybe everything is not as terrible as I've made it in my head. Maybe we can get back to a place where we both can get back on level ground and we can work through this. But all that's going to come through conversation, and I would also say that don't throw in the towel until you've exhausted every avenue. Till you've exhausted every avenue. Therapy maybe possibly talking to close married couples that you both know, that you both can confide in getting a different perspective. But don't throw in the towel just because it's like one person mentions divorce and it's like, okay, we're going to divorce. Exhaust all avenues first.

Speaker 1 1:03:29

So baby or should be the last stop.

Speaker 2 1:03:33

She's saying fight for your marriage if that's what you want.

Speaker 1 1:03:35

If that's what, if that's what you want, if it's a if it's the keyword, if if with a big I. If with a big I, not a little I.

Speaker 2 1:03:48

Okay.

Speaker 1 1:03:49

Okay.

Speaker 2 1:03:50

Small F.

Speaker 1 1:03:52

No if with a big I and a big F. Yes if Okay. So yeah. So that's today's episode. Oh, I also wanted to say thank you all for 500 downloads. I know it may not seem like a lot to you know other people, but we just reached one of our first milestones of 500 downloads. You guys are awesome. Thank you very much, very excited about that. And then we just got our other first milestone of 5000 views. So that was really exciting.

Speaker 2 1:04:31

So thank you guys, it is more people watching than listening.

Speaker 1 1:04:35

It is what.

Speaker 2 1:04:35

There's more people, it's like. It's like triple amount of people. Most people watch us now listen to us.

Speaker 1 1:04:39

Oh yeah, well, that's cool. Um, I mean either or get the constant however you want it, girl, get the constant however you want it, don't matter, we'll keep those YouTube shorts coming.

Speaker 2 1:04:52

Don't do that, don't do that, don't do that, no more, no more. That just made me want to walk away. I said, oh my.

Speaker 1 1:05:02

God. Anyway, we you know what I thought about. Anyway, thank you guys for 5000 views and 500 downloads no, we got no, we already over time.

Speaker 2 1:05:09

It don't matter. You know what I thought about when you did that. What Brianna Taylor in a damn movie Byring, byring. God, I wanted to slap.

Speaker 1 1:05:22

Shut up, but yeah. So thanks guys. 500 downloads, 5000 views. We really appreciate it. Thank you for coming along on this journey, tell a friend and tell a friend.

Speaker 1 1:05:33

Tell a friend to tell a friend about the life after I do podcast. I was about to say the other podcast, about life after I do podcast. Um, you know you get a new episode every Wednesday, so don't forget about that, if you're not doing so already. Don't forget to like, follow and share on social media platforms. You can find us at life after I do podcast on our Facebook page on um, what is it? Instagram, uh, take talk and YouTube new episodes every Wednesday. If you want to reach out to us, if you have a topic in mind or if you just want to ask a question, you can reach out to us at um, life after I do podcast at gmailcom. And until next week, guys peace, peace, peace, peace.