Echoes of Childhood

Join us for a candid journey through the highs and lows of family life, addressing topics like managing household amidst ambitions, navigating past expectations, and finding self-worth. Our empathetic exploration concludes with insights on mending broken trust and discovering the path forward with dignity. Through laughter and tears, our journey mirrors the richness of life.

Transcript

Catch Up

Speaker 1 0:00

when a parent sets an expectation and they say like, okay, this is the expectation, you need to perform in school or bring good grades in whatever extracurricular activity you decide to do, you make sure you excel that in that. And as long as your child is not you're not getting phone calls from the school, you're not, you know what I'm saying? Like, as long as you appear quote unquote, appear to be meeting those expectations, there is really not much more as a parent would be trying to delve deeper into their child's life, whether it be emotionally or, you know, mentally or anything like that, Because on all fronts everything appears to be good. Hey, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Life After I Do. I'm your host, Nisha G, and I'm here with my husband, Mo.

Speaker 2 1:08

Leto.

Speaker 1 1:08

How's everybody out? There I hope, everybody is still having a good new year's. I hope you're still working on those goals that you set for January 1st Me personally.

Speaker 1 1:18

I think New Year's resolutions are in a sense, because I feel like whatever you can wait to the first of the year to do, you can do at any time. But I also do understand, like the psychological concept behind, like having a clean slate, like New Year, full 12 month calendar year of achieving a goal, like I get all that. But I also think that it's one of those things that you could be using as an excuse sometimes because whatever you want to get done, that you are like the new year, I'm going to do this, you can do that at any time. But anyway, I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer, but it could be because of the week that I've had. How was your week?

Speaker 2 2:04

So we talked about your week, I mean.

Speaker 1 2:06

I feel like we kind of experience the same kind of week.

Speaker 2 2:10

No, I mean, it's been a week. Yeah, it's been. Oh go ahead.

Speaker 1 2:14

Oh, go ahead. I didn't know you were going. You just said it's been a week.

Speaker 2 2:17

I mean, it's been an emotional week all around for me. It's not been a good mental week for me at all. So that's all I'm gonna say. Yeah, let me just hear.

Speaker 1 2:31

Same over here. So we had to, like, make a really, really big decision and it was a really hard decision. We had a Chihuahua, a reindeer Chihuahua, jumpers. Ulysses Gill, who would have been with us this year, would have made 17 years. We had our dog and you know he's he got up there in age and we had to make a hard decision about, you know, making sure he can just be comfortable towards the end of his life, and made the decision to go ahead and lay him to rest.

Speaker 1 3:17

I said I wasn't gonna cry. I've already been crying, like even before all this happened, before we even took him to the hospital and spoke to the doctor and all this other stuff. I've just been like I've been having it rough, just look at him and seeing his steady decline and see him not be himself, like his name is jumpers for a reason you know what I mean and to not have seen him even jump in a long time, or even like attempted to like jump or jump or be in high spirits or anything like that, and his hearing went and then his vision went and you know, like his sense was a little off and then he started having like little seizures and stuff.

Speaker 1 4:07

So then his balance and orientation was bad and we've just been trying to like make him as comfortable as possible. And then he had a little fall and that just was kind of like the last bit of it when he fell, and so it's been kind of difficult and trying to explain that to a six-year-old, like I think she has a pretty good concept about what death is, you know. So that morning, before we left, you know, I had her, you know, have her goodbyes with him, have her moment with him, and she was like, oh, are you, are you guys still taking him to the doctors? And I was like, yeah, we have to take him to the doctors to see what the doctor says, and blah, blah, blah. But you know, I just let her know that he may or may not be here when you get back from school. So let's just, you know, get our last minute loves in, you know.

Speaker 1 5:03

And when we took him to the doctor and she did the examination and everything and because of his age and the steady decline and she's like you know, it's possibly that he has brain cancer and she's like the amount of care that it's going to take if he has brain cancer is going to be extensive and it's not going to be any type of life where he's going to just be enjoying life. It's just going to be a series of like tests and therapy and things like that. And he had already lost his hind legs. So, yeah, it was rough and it's it's weird waking up in the morning and not hearing the dogs, because you know we lost a dog last year too. So it's, it's, it's a new, it's like a new sense in the house. It's really weird because we've had dogs.

Speaker 2 5:59

And I'm gonna say this, like I kind of felt a little bit guilty this morning because I was like I kind of wish I had a dog. Yeah like I was like this is not, like it's weird because, like I think I told you, like today's is the first day we woke up and we had no dog, like we've always, like for the last 17 years, we've had a dog and so we always woke up, you know, to a dog or, you know, maybe been woken up by a dog.

Speaker 1 6:23

Right, Like the embarking, like get out of here and let us out.

Speaker 2 6:27

Like we're trying to let you know that if you don't let us out soon, we got to be in this house. So it's like it was. It was real, it was weird, it was kind of it was a well, wasn't kind of sad it was very sad this morning and, like I said, I've been, I've been.

Speaker 2 6:42

I know yesterday hit you hard and hit me hard as well, but I had like been preparing for this since like two weeks ago like when I saw how he was doing and I was like, yeah, I have to like wrap my mind around this because I could tell like it's not going to be much longer, because how he was doing and just like, just like his, his, you know his drive, he didn't want to eat, he didn't, he really just want to sleep, he just anytime a dog just wants to sleep it's like, yeah, it's something, something's going on.

Speaker 1 7:11

So yeah, and when I came downstairs this morning, like his bed downstairs, like he had bed upstairs in our room and because for some reason when he got older in life he started loving going up and down the stairs. I don't know if that was just like his form of exercise or like what, but when we first bought our house, how you jumped Maybe I don't know, but when we first bought our house, we could not get those dogs upstairs either. One of them, like neither, wanted to walk upstairs, we would carry them they would get so nervous and so scared and come right back down.

Heartbreaking Loss and Homework Success

Speaker 1 7:48

But then, like in his last, in his last leg of life, we couldn't keep him off the stairs and I'm like buddy, you're not strong enough to keep going up and down these stairs and you're going to fall. And sure enough he ended up falling off the stairs and I'm like dude. But I was just thinking this morning, like when I came downstairs so he has a bed upstairs, he has a bed downstairs and the bed downstairs is in the second living room. So when you come downstairs there's like you come around the corner and then you have a clear shot. They have there's like a clear shot shot into the second living room and that's where his bed usually is. So as soon as I turn that corner in the morning, I'm used to like looking to my right just to make sure he's like in his bed. And when I looked to the right there was he wasn't in the bed and nor was his bed there, because we moved his bed and stuff yesterday but I still haven't picked up his food and water. Like the food is still in there and I'm sure I'm going to have to pick it up soon because I don't want it to cause like bugs or anything, but like I couldn't bring myself to pick up his food and water, because then for me it's like okay, like that's official, like that's official, like there's not a dog here. More importantly, he's not here. You know what I mean. And then, as as annoying as his little tapping used to be, like hearing him just like what he would walk just back and forth, back and forth back, and all you hear is like the little taps from his nails. And we used to be like jumpers, sit down, like go lay down in your bed or do you want to go outside? Like, but I wanted to hear nothing more than to hear those little taps Go across the floor this morning. But yeah, so pretty tough week, but you know, we're just gonna have to kind of readjust.

Speaker 1 9:35

It was heartbreaking hearing my child cry about it yesterday when she came home from school and she like finally realized, you know, after being home like an hour or so, she was like wait a minute. She was like where's Jumper's? Like his bed is not there, where is Jumper's? And I had to let her know. You know, like unfortunately, jumper's passed away today and she just started crying. She was like what? No, no, not Jumper's. And she just starts falling into tears and she's like I have no more pets, I have zero pets. That was my favorite pet mom. He was my favorite dog and she was just crying and crying and crying. And so when I was talking to my dad, my dad was like well, think about it Like she's only known life with dogs because she's grown up with dogs, and I was like I didn't even think about it that way, like she's used to having a dog like literally her whole life, because she's only six and he was almost 17. So she's literally used to being surrounded with dogs and Bailey was what? 12?

Speaker 2 10:40

So she's used to having dogs around her you know, and in her defense, when she first started crawling and walking, bailey would just knock her over. Yeah, so Bailey was always-.

Speaker 1 10:52

But that was still experienced with her.

Speaker 2 10:53

Because you know Bailey was the bigger dog.

Speaker 1 10:54

Yeah.

Speaker 2 10:55

And so she couldn't like push Bailey off the way. But the fact that jumpers was smaller and she could handle him, she like gravitated more towards jumpers. Like okay, cause he's not. She looked at jumpers like he's not trying to knock me over.

Speaker 1 11:04

He's not a threat. So he's not a threat.

Speaker 2 11:07

So we used to always have to tell Bailey Bailey, go, calm down, You're around Phoenix calm down. You're gonna knock her over.

Speaker 1 11:14

And I mean she didn't mean.

Speaker 2 11:15

she didn't mean anything. She was just a goofy dog, a sloppy goofy dog. That's just who she was. Oh, we loved her yeah. So, let's get into it.

Speaker 1 11:23

So yeah, so that was our week. On a brighter note, as a follow up to last week's episode, this week went much smoother. Oh, with the homework, with the homework and the kid, I mean, we this. I was like, yes, we are back on track, this is what I needed. I guess she just needed an adjustment period. That's what I'm gonna check it up to. She needed an adjustment period Cause this week, going into this week, I was like listen here, what we're not gonna do is have another week like we did last week. She was like yes, mom. I was like, okay. So day one, when we had to do our studying and do homework, I was like let's get your homework out so we can read over your homework and see what we're doing. Today, all I got was a yes, mom. I said chef's kiss.

Speaker 2 12:14

You're welcome.

Speaker 1 12:16

Okay, all right, so, yeah. So that was really. That was really fun. I can't take credit for that. I mean, I think I should be able to take credit for that.

Speaker 2 12:27

Like I feel like I, because dad laid down the law last week.

Speaker 1 12:30

Is that what you think did it? That's what happened. Put my foot down. I mean, I'm not gonna take that from you.

Speaker 2 12:36

Let's get into it.

Speaker 1 12:37

I'm not gonna take that from you.

Speaker 2 12:39

You wasted my time.

Speaker 1 12:39

You know this is part of her upbringing.

Speaker 2 12:41

Don't waste my time. I got something I wanna do later.

Upbringing's Effect on Parenting and Relationships

Speaker 1 12:44

Anyway, okay, no, you don't. Oh, chipotle, that's right, you want to go to Chipotle after this and something else Chipotle, okay. So yeah, like speaking of kids, children, children this kind of takes me somewhat into what I kind of wanted to talk about today Just thinking about us as individuals and us as parents and how our upbringing has, like, affected our life and how we interact together as husband and wife and also how we parent our child right, the aspect of us interacting together and our childhood and how it's affected us individually, how we handle conflict resolution, our attitudes, just things like that. So first I wanted to talk a little bit about your upbringing. Oh, tell me about it. No, you tell me about it. Tell me about it, babe. I was raised very young.

Speaker 1 13:52

You didn't have a traditional upbringing, so what's the tradition about it?

Speaker 2 13:56

It's just, I was raised by my grandparents in a very religious house, very stern, very much. You do what I tell you and you don't do what I do, type thing. But at the same time, I will say that I was given grace to make my own decisions because I knew what the standard was and I knew what the rules were. And it's like they're going to give you opportunities to either behave or misbehave, but you had to learn that you're going to deal with the consequence of it. So I was. When I think about it in a technical sense, I was raised to understand consequences because it wasn't like it wasn't like I had. There was rules, but the rules were more loosely implied. So like, for instance, like I always said, I didn't have a bad time. The rule was you have to be up at this time. So you can step as late as you want to stay up, but if you don't get up when you're posing it up now, we're going to give you a bad time because you're not being responsible enough. Right? I wasn't, you know I was.

Speaker 2 15:00

It was very, it was made very aware. This is the expectations of school, this is the expectations of your character and I can recall a lot of times where I got in trouble, not because what I did, but because I lied about what I did. Like when I broke the kitchen window I was playing baseball, I hit the ball, ball broke the window and I was like, oh, it wasn't me, no one damn well was me and I got in trouble and I was. It was informing me. He's like now you're about to get a consequence which was a ass whooping back then, not because you broke the window but because you lied about breaking the window. So a lot of my lessons when I think about on my childhood it was basically building character and not necessarily correcting behavior, because I wasn't necessarily a bad child, you know. I was just a child that you know. I was sheltered to some degree because I was just so involved in, you know, the religious part of my upbringing.

Speaker 1 15:54

So yeah, do you think-?

Speaker 2 15:56

You're the one that didn't get whipped enough.

Speaker 1 15:57

Do you think that being raised by because I feel like we've touched on this a little bit just like you and I on our own do you think being raised by your grandparents gave you a little bit more or you had a little bit more leniency? I know you mentioned grace, but as a preteen and a teenager and I dated you as a preteen and teenager From Full teenager, okay, but as like during those years, from my perspective right, it's my perspective but I'm asking you like, do you think there was a lot more leniency with your upbringing? As far, like I said, I know you said you were allowed grace. Was that grace or was that leniency? Because you were raised by your grandparents, who may not have had as much energy as Trust me, trust and believe your parent to-.

Speaker 2 16:58

Trust and believe. It doesn't matter how old LT was, he would on you. Trust and believe, Like I said, I wasn't a child that was getting in trouble. I wasn't a problem child. I was a good student. And so it wasn't that I was. They were lenient. It was just that it was it wasn't a lot you met the expectation.

Speaker 2 17:21

It wasn't. A lot of situations that came arrived where they would have to correct me, right, right, and I can. I think the last time I got in major trouble I was maybe like 13. And I think that was when, I just remember, I was 13. I don't even remember what I did, I just remember like that was the ass whooping. I was like, okay, I'm talking to these ass whoopings, I'm gonna just do what they want me to do, cause I don't want to be chestised anymore. So I think once I hit 13, I didn't really get too much recommend because I knew what was required of me.

Speaker 2 17:57

So, it wasn't like I was out here just wilding out. I had a pretty busy schedule. I had school, I had sports and I had a job Like cause the second I started driving. I got a job Like a good month. So deep, so am I. I put myself in a situation where I didn't have a lot of opportunities to get into trouble, do you?

Speaker 1 18:20

think that they were more like hands off, then I mean, because here's the thing I feel like now that I'm a parent, as long as my kid appears to be doing what they're supposed to be doing and nothing is coming back to me that it's like negative or that they're not supposed to be doing, there's not a lot for me to look into, right? So, like, for me personally, as a teenager, I saw the relationship that my mother had with my sister, right, my sister was the very independent, rebellious one. She was the rebellious one. So seeing that dynamic made me, or put me, in a position where I had to be the opposite of that, right. So, in order for me to do the things that I wanted to do, I knew in my head, consciously, if I just do the things that she's expecting of me, which is to perform in school, you know, excel at my extracurricular, there was not, there wasn't much more I could. Yeah, there wasn't. I didn't give her a reason to. Really, I didn't give her a reason.

Speaker 1 19:25

I just put that together. You're a demoria. I didn't give her listen, I didn't give her a reason to really delve deep or like have to look deep into other things that I was doing. I just put that together. But it's the truth. You and your nephew oh my God.

Speaker 2 19:40

That means your sister is the oldest cause. All she did was get in trouble.

Speaker 1 19:44

She is the oldest and well, between us, she's the oldest.

Speaker 2 19:48

But she's the reflection of her oldest child, and then you're the reflection of her youngest. Wow, y'all wow.

Speaker 1 19:54

But do you see what I mean? I still do Like you because, okay, if your parent tells you this is the expectation, right? So my mom used to always say as long as you graduate high school and don't bring me any babies. That was literally like a conversation like graduate high school without any babies and like what you do beyond that is-.

Speaker 2 20:13

Do you think that was her just saying be better to me? Huh, you think that was her saying does it do better than I did? Who your mom? When she said just graduate high school, I mean possibly.

Speaker 1 20:21

I mean, as parents, we want our kids to do better than we did or have more than we did. So it wouldn't be beyond me for her to think that. But what I'm saying is like when a parent sets an expectation and they say like, okay, this is the expectation, you need to perform in school or bring good grades in whatever extracurricular activity you decide to do, you make sure you excel in that. And as long as your child is not, you're not getting phone calls from the school. You know what I'm saying. Like as long as you appear quote unquote appear to be meeting those expectations, there is really not much more. As a parent would be trying to delve deeper into their child's life, whether it be emotionally or mentally or anything like that, because on all fronts everything appears to be good. You're doing good in school. That's always a key indicator. You're not walking around here with an attitude. You're going to practice like you're supposed to be. So what else do I need to be?

Speaker 2 21:20

involved in. So to answer your question, I was raised with a very like hands-off approach and when I think about the dynamic of my upbringing I have to say that my aunt was a big portion of it too, because she was like the third, like she would step in when my grandparents didn't have the energy or just couldn't deal with it. Like she would step in and she'd be like the third, like a door-to-door figure, and but when I look at everything, it's like I was dropped like, especially with my grandfather. He wouldn't sit you down and have like a direct conversation with you. He would drop little gyms at you like randomly and you would just pick it up. You just have to like listen.

Speaker 1 22:00

It's like the things that you hear later in life.

Speaker 2 22:02

So it's like he wouldn't be stern and correcting you, he would just see you on the path. I'm like, hey, you might want to think about this, yeah Right. And then my grandmother was the same way, like, come on, like you know not to do this. My aunt, like she would just fly out and tell you like this is what happens, if this what it would be. So when I do look at my upbringing, it was very, it was very hands-off. It was more like we're going to give you, we're going to give you the blueprint and then just see what you do with it, and if you stray off the path too far, then we're going to. Then that's when we step in and we will you in with the discipline or whatever baby.

Speaker 1 22:36

Because I know, like and you've heard this before, and I'm not even just saying for me that you got a lot of people would say you were spoiled. No, I was spoiled, right, okay. So now you admit it, I was Because I was the best, okay, no. But see, that's what I'm saying. Do you think you were spoiled more? So, because you were being raised by them, but you weren't their child, you were their grandchild. So they got to Put it this way. This is how I look at it Treat you like a grandchild.

Speaker 2 23:03

This is how I look at it. I look at it is. I was for lack of better words. I was one of my grandmother's favorites. Right it? Just it is what it is.

Speaker 1 23:13

You just go saying it is what it is. He's just ripping the band-aid off, guys.

Speaker 2 23:17

So whatever families listen to this, it is what it is, it is what it is Right, like this is known right, and I got I mean I got a lot of hate and jealousy from the family for that reason, right. So not only was I one of her favorites, they also raised me in the golden years of their life, like in retirement of their life.

Speaker 1 23:38

So they were.

Speaker 2 23:38

That's what I mean they got. I was raised in the time of their lives where they weren't necessarily struggling. You know, raising kids and all that Like so.

Speaker 1 23:46

They didn't have to work.

Speaker 2 23:48

They didn't have to. I didn't have to go through the struggles that my aunts and my uncle did, because they were already through that, because by the time I was born, all their children are grown.

Speaker 1 23:58

Yeah, and it's just that they were kids.

Speaker 2 24:00

Right Now they were going with kids and some of their children's kids were grown.

Speaker 1 24:05

Yeah.

Speaker 2 24:06

You know. So I got, I got, I was raised in the era to where it was less stressful on them and then, like as like, in the fact that I didn't really bring them any issues or any problems, made it even easier. So, yeah, the fact that I was a good student, the fact that I was always doing the right thing and I did everything they asked of me, it made it a lot easier for them.

Speaker 1 24:26

To say yes.

Speaker 2 24:27

To say yes to things when I asked more, because it wasn't like I was out here just taking advantage of them or anything like that. But I will definitely like like I always say my, my grandmother, especially my grandmother, but my grandparents, they wore a safety net for me. Yes, and it was something that of like a culture shock, like I always say, once my grandmother had passed and my grandfather had passed and now I got like now I'm out here on my own and now I'm really figuring it out. But when, during my upbringing, it was like, yeah, they were.

Speaker 2 24:55

I had a favorable upbringing, even even through the small stints of my life where I stayed with my mother, my grandmother, my grandparents always helped me and even then, like I would always say I don't want to be here, I would tell my mom I don't want to. I want to go to back to my grandma's parents house, right? So I think I was like seven or eight when they officially adopted me. So from like that point on, I stayed with them. But or maybe my mom had been like nine or 10, but I was definitely like I was definitely catered to more than you know, than their children. But in my mind I see it as like they had more opportunity to spoil me than they did. Their own children and I had, I guess I had aunties that that really disliked me for that Like cause they, they compared my upbringing to theirs and they were, I mean, what just kind of? They were jealous. Just let's call them reals.

Speaker 1 25:43

They were reals it was kind of understandable, like I think. You know, on the opposite end of that, like with with me, my sister and I are like four and a half years apart, right, and so as we got older and I got into the teenage years, as my mother's life progressed and changed, you know, obviously my sister experienced a different mother than I experienced, right, even though we were raised in the same household. Her experience with my mom was not the same experience that I got with my mom and I remember, especially coming in my to my teenage years, there was a lot of friction about things that I got or things that I got to do that my sister kind of perceived as unfair because she didn't get to do when she was 15 or when she was 16. And it's like but it's hard to hear that at you know 19 or you know 20, that it's like mom is in a different, she's in a different space. Now you know what I mean. It's almost like when you have multiple kids and it's like your firstborn is the one that grows up with you and goes through the struggles with you, and when you're trying to put yourself through school to get a career, and when you guys didn't have money. And then now the little ones they come along and now from the older child's perspective, it looks like they just have it so easy, right, they ain't doing nothing and everything. They want you, just you, Johnny, on the spot right there. Oh yeah, you want to drive at 15, guess what? Let's get you a car. I didn't get a car at 15, you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 27:07

So there was like a little bit of that friction, I think over an hour household a little bit, because for my background, I was raised by a single parent, right, and I think that comes with challenges in and of itself. But in the house I was the baby, I was the youngest child in the house, and I feel like as I got older, I got more into the second half of my mom's life, where she had a great career, where there was a little bit of money, where we could do more things. You know what I'm saying. I was able to do the sports that I wanted to do and things like that. That may not have been there when my sister was my age at the time, right.

Speaker 1 27:50

But as far as dynamics and one of the reasons why I wanted to have this discussion is because I also think the households that we were raised in and the how we were raised have, I mean it, shaped us? It had like there's not, like I think it has shaped us to the type of people we are, the characteristics that we have, how we handle disagreement, how we handle parenting and things of that, such. And what made me think about it and really wanting to have the discussion is because I think about how my brain gets when I'm upset with you or the things yeah, or how I start to internalize in the self-conversation that I have when we're not on the greatest terms, and that's when I get the most like.

Speaker 1 28:46

I get this energy of like I don't need that, like I can do this on my own, like if he wants to be that way. That's what makes me think, that's what brings, that's why I wanted to talk about it. And then when I think about certain behaviors that you showcase, it immediately makes me think about your childhood, because you are not the only child, but you grew up in a situation and in an environment where you were pretty much treated like you were the only child and I've known you like most of my life. So, from the outside, looking in and seeing the things that you were privet to, it made me developed, like, like, make me conscious. It makes me conscious about things in your childhood that weren't necessarily in other people's childhood and how that has shaped you as a man and how that shaped you as a teenager and how those things constantly still show up, whether you're thinking about it or not. I can see it right.

Balancing Personal Needs in a Relationship

Speaker 1 29:48

And then I think about myself and I think, okay, well, that's where some of that clash comes in at and that's why I think it's important to have conversations like this, because it's so easy for us to forget how our childhood has shaped the people we are and when we get into relationships, how that constantly shows up like me being raised by a single mother and but being in a traditional marriage, right, and how that shows up for me when there's friction in my marriage or when there's disagreement between us and you. Being raised in a household where things were, for the most part, like traditional and like yet traditional and a little bit more smooth selling, and you being the only child and not having to compete for the things that you needed or the things that you wanted, and things like that. And how that looks as you, how that looks on you as an adult being in a relationship with somebody like me. So that's why I just really wanted to talk about that. So my question.

Speaker 2 30:48

Oh, go ahead. I would say this like this week, like when you asked me you're like what's your problem with me right this week, and I told you I don't wanna talk about it. And when I said that when I go off the phone with you and I was like that was my grandfather, that was my grandfather, me right there, because he was always a man of few words. And it's like, even if I have an issue with you, I'm gonna do what I have to do. I'm still gonna hold up my responsibilities. And that was just a headspace. I'm in Like, yeah, I have an issue with you and I mean I still haven't told you what my issues are. I have an issue with you, but that's not gonna stop me from showing up then and now and doing my husband duties Right. So, like that part of my childhood, like I said, like he would drop gyms, like I had the childhood where, as you know, the prominent male figure in my life, he showed me how to be a man. He didn't necessarily tell me this is what required of you A man. He showed me like this is. He showed me how to be a good, upstanding man and a lot of his traits that I still have today they come from.

Speaker 2 31:55

It's like it's not about what I say, it's about what I do, because what you do is important. Like I can tell you anything you know, but if I'm not following through with the actions of what I'm telling you, then it doesn't matter. So, like this week, and I was just like you know what. I understand that I've progressed and I've probably been a little better with conveying my feelings to you in the last couple of years, but this week I was like it was just so much, like I told you, I was like I just got, so I got so much stress on me. I don't wanna talk about nothing, because I'm gonna get into a point to where, because I was kind of still there. I'm still at a point to where, if I start talking, I'm gonna be so emotional about it that I'm not gonna be rational. So I don't wanna talk about it. Let's just do what needs to be done and we'll get through it.

Speaker 1 32:38

But I wanna ask you, like, okay, when I had called you and I was like what's your problem with me? And you're like I don't wanna talk about it, what was my response to you? Okay, right, right, like I'm not gonna press so like for me and I feel like that's where that independent thing comes from, because for me it's like I'm also not gonna keep, I'm not gonna keep begging, I'm not gonna egg on, I'm really not that wife Like, if you tell me not right now, I'm leaving you alone. If you tell me like I don't wanna talk about it, okay, I'm moving along.

Speaker 1 33:15

Because instantly in my mind I get this attitude like I'm not gonna beg you for nothing, I'm not gonna beg you for your time, I'm not gonna beg you for your attention, I'm gonna go do my own thing. But that's what I'm saying. Like I get. That's why I wanted to talk about it because I get real independent real quick. Like I get real independent. Like you don't wanna talk to me, guess what, you don't gotta talk to me, I'm gonna do my own thing. But see, what happens with you is, when I give you that type of energy for too long, then you start to be like okay, enough is enough.

Speaker 2 33:51

Because you're my wife.

Speaker 1 33:53

Right, enough is enough.

Speaker 2 33:54

I need you to be my wife.

Speaker 1 33:55

I personally with myself and I feel like I feel like you know same, like I've done quite a bit of work where I'm trying to be conscious about these things, which is again why I wanna have this conversation today, because this was something else that I am conscious and aware that I do and I want to work on. It is I also need to be more in the position of like, okay, giving you your time, giving you your space, and then kind of revisiting where the atmosphere is still like welcoming and we can sit down and talk this out, the both of us and however that needs to come out.

Speaker 2 34:31

Cause I would just say, if I would have said how I was feeling the moment, it was not welcoming and it would have been argument.

Speaker 1 34:37

Okay, but what do I always say? It doesn't negate the fact that those are your feelings and your feelings are what Valid, because why? They're my feelings Exactly, and that never changes. I always tell him that.

Speaker 2 34:49

But at the same time I recognize and I understood that my feelings was gonna ruff with your feelings and you weren't gonna like what you're just gonna hear Okay, but that's fine. It was that situation to where, if you ain't got that nice and say don't say that at all, just say nothing at all.

Speaker 1 35:00

That's why I didn't say anything at all, and that's fine, and that's why I also just be like it's me okay.

Speaker 2 35:05

And that's why I tell people I'm good, I'm good. 23 years every day, ain't sweet.

Speaker 1 35:09

No, like it hasn't been 23, it's 22.

Speaker 2 35:12

Whatever it is 23.

Speaker 1 35:14

He always put an extra one on it, oh, it is 22, 22.

Speaker 1 35:19

But that's what I'm saying. So how do you think? Because I'll say, like, from my perspective, I think sometimes, knowing your type of upbringing and the tendencies that you have, you have tendencies that I love and I adore and respect, and then there are tendencies that you have that I'm just like man, like I really wish I would have saw that sooner. But sometimes you can have this tendency to.

Speaker 1 35:53

I don't wanna say like it's not like entitlement, because you're not entitled like at all, but it's almost like you're going through and what's happening with you right now is the only thing that matters and you can't see past that. And I think that also has a lot to do with like, I guess like only child syndrome, because I see it with my child she's an only child and it's like when things are happening, or when things are happening to you guys, like you feel like something has happened to you. You can't really see past that. And I'm not gonna say that it's probably just with only children, but I see a lot of it with only children that you can't really see past. Whatever it is that you're experiencing right now and that your experience and whatever you're having right now takes up so much space and takes up so much room that there's not enough room for anything and anybody else.

Speaker 2 36:54

It's not that I can't see past my own experience or what my own feelings. It's just that I don't want to.

Speaker 1 36:59

Okay.

Speaker 2 37:00

Right.

Speaker 2 37:01

So in the moment I probably see what's happening in the background, but the level of importance is not that important to me, because I'm trying to deal with what I'm dealing with Right, because what I'm dealing with is affecting me to the point to where, hey, I gotta find some balance or get some control with this inner dialogue or these inner emotions, because it's gonna make me snap.

Speaker 2 37:23

So I have. It's one of those moments where I have to focus internally on myself so that I can project or be the optimum version of myself, taking care of the rest of the problems. Like a lot of times, it's not that I'm so full of myself or entitled to myself, it's just that I understand that with anything I do, it starts with me. So if I'm not in the right headspace, I'm not gonna be able to fulfill any of the duties to my full potential, because I'm dealing with my own internal dialogue or problems at the time. So it's not me being full of myself, it's me trying to calm myself and get myself back into a headspace in which now I can now be productive in more ways than one.

Speaker 1 38:06

And I feel like for me, I'm the complete opposite. I want to. I'm taking care of everybody else and making sure everybody else is like good and I'm neglecting myself. So if you're not in a good headspace or she not in a good headspace, I'm gonna completely like. I'm gonna neglect me being down. I'm gonna neglect me not having a good day. I'm gonna neglect me being a ball of emotions and like feeling like crap and everything that's happening. I'm gonna neglect all that about myself just so that I can be the strong partner for you. I'm not gonna tell you that, hey, like I've been depressed for the past four days because I can see that you're depressed, so now I have to leave me on the back burner so I can make sure you're okay, so that you have what you need to do all the things that you gotta do that to provide, to be a father and to be a husband. Do all that. When she's having a meltdown and she's doing all the things that she's requiring the attention and she needs the emotional regulation again, it doesn't matter if I'm in a hole in my mind and I've suckin' down to the black hole in the deep space I have to put. I've put me on the back burner and I take care of everybody else.

Speaker 1 39:24

And I think back again, like I said, tying this back to how we were raised. I was raised with a single parent, right, so she didn't have the additional help. She didn't have the second partner to come in and step in when things were getting out of hand or out of her control. She had to put herself on the back burner to make sure we had what we needed. She had to put aside how she felt to make sure the bills got paid, to make sure there was groceries in the house, to make sure we got to and from where we had to go to, to make sure we had to go to doctor's appointments. She had to do all of the things and then, if there was time left or when she got a moment to herself, that's when she could pay attention to herself and her mental health and her health and things like that. That's how. That's how I like.

Speaker 1 40:11

I'm the opposite of that. You take it inward, because you have that opportunity and you've been raised in an environment where you could sit there and have the mental evaluation and take the time to be with yourself so that you can self-regulate and just look inward to try to get yourself right and then go back out into the world and then do all of the things, because you know that your attitude and how you're feeling affects everything else around you. So you have to go inward.

Speaker 1 40:39

Me, on the other hand, it's the opposite. I have to go outward and if there's time left, or if you know, if there's enough care left, then I can put that into myself. So that's where the imbalance comes in, at right. And then when we, when we look at certain things and different dynamics, then it's like that could cause friction between us, because you're operating on one level, I'm operating on one level and I'm having a whole dialogue in my head about you, You're having a whole dialogue in your head about me. And the next thing, you know, we have an attitude with each other. We're not getting along or we're not talking.

Speaker 2 41:17

I try not to get you attitude, but it's like.

Speaker 1 41:19

But think about what you just said.

Speaker 2 41:21

Listen to what I'm saying. I try not to get you attitude, but I understand like when I get into that head space I'm very short on my responses. Like I don't, I'm not going to put a lot of energy in anything outside of dealing with what I'm dealing with, even and that's just not like the dialogue between us, that's like even anything I do throughout the day, whether it be going to the gym or going to work, it's going to be very minimal, whatever it takes to get the job done, and I'm not going to go above and beyond. I'm not going to try to do anything outside of the norm until I can justify or quantify what's actually going on inside of me and figure out a way to move forward.

Speaker 2 41:58

Now, that's not to say that, because a lot of times something like this will happen and it's not an issue with you, and when I'll tell you that you won't believe me, it's like no, there's nothing wrong with you, it's just me right now. It just so happened that this last time you were part of the issue, but it wasn't just you being part of the issue. It was dealing with the situation with the dog and dealing with a situation at work, and it was just like it was like all these things compounding on top of each other and I was like, well, I'm just getting hit from every direction right now and I can't see a light or a road out, and I'm just trying to figure out all these problems that are being laid in front of me at the same time.

Understanding and Navigating Relationship Patterns

Speaker 1 42:39

And that's understandable, and that's understandable and that's why I try to support you or even just try to create a space for you to unload or talk or anything like that. But your recoil for when life is like compounding you, like that, is to go inward, and I know that about you. Right, it's the isolate, yeah, it's to go inward. And even though I know that about you, part of me still feels like that's a problem with you. It's not that I have a problem with it, because it's a pattern and that's what I always tell you. You operate on a pattern. I've gotten familiar with your pattern. Once you're not feeling that pressure anymore, I know what type of husband I'm gonna get, right. And then, once something else comes up and it starts pressing, pressing, pressing on that button, I know what type of husband I'm gonna get. So, being your wife, knowing your pattern, I try to be the wife that you need for that moment, for that cycle that we're in right now. He's in a cycle where he's like going into self, he's isolating himself, he's being short, he doesn't wanna talk. Okay, let me just let him know that I am here, like if you wanna talk about it, if you don't wanna talk about it. If you wanna just hug, if you wanna hug for 10 minutes, we can hug for 10 minutes. Like. If you wanna try to like schedule a date night so we can get out, like that usually helps too. Like us going to the gym, you know what I mean. That always does like a good trick because we get to work out together, we're having fun, we're being playful. That gets you out. You know what I'm saying. But knowing your pattern helps me to try to service you as my husband in the best way possible.

Speaker 1 44:35

But like, just think about like, how I just said, I'm the opposite of that, right. So when you're going inward and you're shutting off and you're isolating, you're not gonna be able to do that. I have to pick up everything else that's around, right. So that doesn't leave room for me to. I can't isolate. I can't say like, oh, you know what I need to get me right so that I can be of better service to you guys. I have to make sure that you straight and she straight, because I see how you handle stress, I know how you handle stress right. And it's like, in my opinion, sometimes I don't get that same, I don't get the same opportunity to isolate. I can't just go in.

Speaker 2 45:24

But that's because you're taking care of the child.

Speaker 1 45:25

And well, even outside the child, like you think it's just the child, but it's not just the child, it's you too. And that's where I talk about the mental and the emotional. It's a lot, because when you are isolating and when you are inward and everything like that, I can't just leave you alone. Like, if I just leave you alone, then that's gonna be another thing to argue about, or something else. You're gonna be upset, or yeah, don't.

Speaker 2 45:52

You leave me alone.

Speaker 1 45:53

Don't baby, If I just ignore you.

Speaker 2 45:56

Well, don't ignore me.

Speaker 1 45:59

Let's see, look it Well. Don't ignore me If I say something. Don't ignore me.

Speaker 2 46:06

Like your uncle always say talk to me, I'll talk back.

Speaker 1 46:09

Like you know what I'm saying. For instance, prime example, right, and I feel like this is where it kind of started the other day, what was it? I think it was Monday, I think it was. Was it Monday? Think it was Monday you had mentioned to me that you had wanted to spend time together, right? So this was at the end of the day, when we've all had our showers, we've done the appointments, go on the dance, all this other stuff. We've been ripping and running at least I had been ripping and running all day, right and then we finally get to a point where, after showers, we're all in bed, you and I are laying down together in bed and, like you tell me like, oh, you wanted to spend time with me today, or you were like you basically were having like one of your needy moments, right, and so the way you presented it to me was almost like I didn't make time for you, and that's how you felt. And then the way for that I took it was but you saw all that I was doing today, so don't try to make it seem like I neglected you. So, yes, of course, I feel like I did get a little defensive, and then that made you feel like and I'm not trying to speak for you, but I'm just saying from my perspective I thought. I think that made you feel as though now, this is why I can't talk to you, this is why I can't say things like this to you, because then you fly off the handles. And I wasn't trying to fly off the handles, I was simply saying that you went to the gym.

Speaker 1 47:38

You came home. When you came home for the gym, what was I doing? I had to go meet a client and take care of some business. When I came back home, I had enough time to get dressed, take my shower. I had to give her her shower, get her dressed, go to the doctors. We were out at the doctors. When we came home, we had what we have to do. We had to transition. I had to get her ready so that she could go to dance. We were at dance for two and a half hours, had to come home, make sure to get something to eat, cook dinner, make sure you guys eat.

Speaker 1 48:04

And then I finally came home to or? No, I ended up stopping to get dinner that day. Yes, cause it was Monday I ended up stopping to get dinner. And then I came home and then brought food and then, even when I had called you to ask you, like, what you wanted to eat, she didn't tell me what you wanted to eat. So I still just picked you up food anyway. You rolled your eyes when I gave you the food, Like okay, but you didn't tell me. But see, this is the thing you isolate and you don't say nothing and then hold on, hold on, I wasn't doing Hold on, you kept telling me I'm hungry. I said, okay, what do you want to eat? Like I can come home and I can cook or I can pick something up, because it's already getting late. Her bedtime is 7 30. And in my mind I'm like we still need to get, like I need to get her ready so that she can go to bed, so that we can have time. This is what I was thinking and what did I say.

Speaker 1 48:58

I was thinking, no, hold on. I was thinking that, right, you couldn't tell me what you wanted to eat. I don't. What did? You kept saying I don't know what I wanted to eat, I don't want, I don't know what I want. And then you say, bring me, because I wasn't talking. I was still talking. And then you say like, oh well, bring me whatever you're gonna have. And then if I tell them what I'm gonna have, he'll go. I don't want that. What do you want me to do? I still have to. I still have to somewhat like cater to you and take care of you, even when you don't know what it is you're doing or what you want, right?

Speaker 1 49:32

So then I come home, I bring you food. You're like, oh, what's that? And I was like it's tacos. I brought you chicken tacos. You eat chicken tacos. I literally hand this man the food and he rolls his effing eyes. He rolls his effing eyes. You, absolutely that's why you're smiling about it, cause you, absolutely. You were like I handed you the food and you were like what's this? And I was like chicken tacos and you were like okay.

Speaker 1 49:56

And I was like you don't have to eat it. My G Like don't eat it. I did say okay, though, and he had an attitude about that, right, so then get her, we all eat, get her to bed, blah, blah, blah. I get in the bed and it's like whoo, okay, end of the day, I've achieved all the things, I've done all the things. Okay, babe, like we can have some moments to ourselves.

Speaker 1 50:18

And then you go and you're like I wanted to spend time together today. And I'm like okay, I get that. That's like we're spending time together right now, like we have time right now, but like when did you expect me to stop and like spend time today? When you saw that I was back to back, back to back. And then I felt like you were trying to just like say something to prove a point. And you're like oh, you could have came home and cooked dinner. And I said okay, well, yeah, I could have come home and cooked dinner, but then you still just would have been in the other room watching the football game while I was in the kitchen cooking. And then you said do you remember what you said?

Speaker 2 50:55

What did I?

Speaker 1 50:55

say you said I could have brought the iPad in the kitchen and watched the game I could have. And to that I say when have you ever done that? Never, but it's my turn to do that.

Speaker 2 51:08

When have you?

Speaker 1 51:08

ever listen when you're, when you no, listen, when you are watching the game, you are knee deep in the game. You are knee deep in the game, like in the game. Now you, as far as you know, you understand that the game I am Okay, I'm on a sideline, I'm coaching. Okay, you were not going to be standing there maneuvering around me in the kitchen while I cook. You could have watched the game with me. Okay, babe, I can always watch the game with you, but I'm cooking because just a little little side note this man cooked dinner last week Twice.

Speaker 1 51:50

The second day we had to throw it out. The first day he scorched my darn pot Because I was watching the game, because he thought he could cook and then watch television. And I said, and I told him, I said, when he came and sat down on the couch, I said how was you cooking and watching TV? Oh, it'll be fine. And then 10, 15 minutes later he comes to me or I walk into the kitchen while he's trying to scrub my good medium pot, talking about we're going to have to throw it away. Huh, I thought you could mind. So when you say you can watch the game and cook, now, when you cook, you need to pay attention to cooking.

Speaker 2 52:30

Okay, First one. You had to find a business out here like that. That's number one, okay.

Speaker 1 52:35

This is real life, real marriage, real relationship discussions.

Speaker 2 52:39

Okay, it was I don't know what the hell. Tell me, it was like that first one that was completely my fault. What was your fault, burned the pot Because I was. I wasn't. I was cooking, I wasn't paying attention. Okay, it is what it is. The second one. I don't know that. I don't know what happened with you. You want me?

Speaker 1 52:57

to tell you what happened. Let me tell you where it started bad at. This is where it started bad at, okay, so I don't know. Listen, I don't know if y'all know where that. You know previous podcast where I had said that mama don't cook on the weekends. No more, right, cause I cook through the week, so I don't cook on the weekends. Okay, so he cooks on the weekends. Now, granted, every once in a while I will cook, like if he's worked late or something like that.

Speaker 1 53:21

Last Sunday he did work. He came home at like one o'clock or whatever, but he was still like hell bent, like oh no, don't worry about it, I'm a cook, because it's going to be a crock pot meal. I was like, okay, so, mind you, this is also coming off of the scorched pot incident, where he already just threw away my damn pot that I have a lid for in there now, but I have no matching pot. And then my pot was white. Just want to put that in there. Damn, we're going to be dead. Come on now, okay, so hold on. So hold on. I knew, I knew we were starting off on a wrong foot. Remember the first day he ruined dinner because he was?

Speaker 2 53:55

watching, hold on, hold on hold. On the first day, dinner was not ruined.

Speaker 1 53:58

Okay, it wasn't ruined, you just ruined my pot. I ruined the pot, okay, okay dinner was fired.

Speaker 2 54:02

Look hey, listen here, the salmon was fired. Listen here, calm down.

Speaker 1 54:05

Listen here. First time it was because he thinks that he can watch football and cook at the same time. Right, this time it was. He thinks that if you cook things on high, no, that things will be. So I knew, I knew it was going to be a bad start when I walked into my kitchen and saw that he had my good small skillet and I looked at the eye of that fire and I said, Maurice, why is the fire on high? Cause, you said you wanted to, you like, oh, I wanted to cook fast. I don't know what you had in there.

Speaker 2 54:32

No, my God, no, hold on, hold on. Let me finish. No, no, no, cause your story is wrong. No, my story is not wrong. That skillet was on high but because I was searing the meat before I put it in the crock.

Speaker 1 54:42

Okay, but listen, he had put avocado oil in the pot. No, I did it. Yeah, you did, the avocado oil was out. That's all that we had. Okay, because I only buy avocado or olive oil but, everybody knows that avocado or olive oil have high burning points, so you put avocado oil in my good black silicone handle skillet and turn it on high and I knew.

Speaker 1 55:09

When I walked in that kitchen I said he finna scorch my dang long skillet. But I didn't, maurice, I had to revive that skillet. I didn't know I was gonna do that Anywho. Anywho, no, I'm not Catholic, you're a noob. Okay, it's gonna be another situation where he's gonna be like you know what I'm gonna admit it's my fault. No, that's okay. Anyway, he was rushing to cook the dinner. That's the point I was trying to make.

Speaker 2 55:33

Because I had worked all day. Okay, I had worked all morning and I was a little bit tired, but it was like-.

Speaker 1 55:39

You were helping, like no, I got this.

Speaker 2 55:42

I was trying to help.

Speaker 1 55:44

Okay, I appreciate you trying to help. You can't keep burning my skillets.

Speaker 2 55:48

but yes, Just saying I didn't do the topic, yeah, but we went off on a tangent.

Speaker 1 55:53

No, because it all tied in together, but yeah. So, like I was saying, was you get to go inward, right and try to get yourself straight, because you understand that all of that, what you're going through, affects your attitude and how you maneuver out into the world right. Me, on the opposite hand, like I said before, it's reverse. I don't have the space to just go inward to self-regulate myself, to make sure I'm straight, so that I can be the best version of myself for you and her and for the world and for everybody else. Right, I have to just kind of like from lack of a better verbiage pour from an empty cup sometimes and I think, like we were saying, going back to how we were raised, the environment in which we were raised, aids in that. So now my question to you is how do you think that has shown up in how you parent?

Speaker 2 56:56

I do similar things. I give her a space, opportunity to mess up herself, and then I come in and be like you know what you did. You know what the consequence is. But again, I feel like my child is similar to me. She doesn't mess up often and she doesn't do outrageous things. She's a kid. She does normal kid things. She tries to sneak snacks or play it, so you can see each other to get her best view.

Speaker 2 57:20

But I definitely I'm not necessarily a you got to do this right now, unless it's important are concerning her safety. So I do give her, you know, using your terminology I give her a lot of leeway when it comes to the things she does. But at the same time, she understands, like Phoenix, you understand that if you don't do good in school, you don't get gymnastics, you don't get like. Everything starts here. None of this fun. You can do nothing fun If you can't take care of what's important. You can't do nothing fun If you take care of what's important. You can have all the fun in the world and I'm not going to stop you from doing anything, unless I see it altering your behavior or your attitude. Then that's when I will step in. But like again, like I said, I've been giving her a lot of like. She knows the blueprint, she knows what, she knows what's right, she knows what's wrong, she knows what she can do and what. She knows the expectation. So I and she knows that dad's not going to say nothing unless I'm doing something wrong.

Speaker 1 58:14

Now, how do you think your upbringing being quote unquote no only child has shaped how you interact with me, especially like when we're having a disagreement or when we're not on the same page?

Speaker 2 58:28

I don't. The only thing I would say that my upbringing, how I interact with you, is I'm very possessive of you. I don't, I don't, I don't like to share you with anybody, even when I'm not around. I would like you don't need to go out to lunch for that, heifer. You go to come eat me for lunch. You can talk when you call me and talk to me, but I do. I have scoped that back, though. That's the one thing.

Speaker 1 58:49

Have you. Yeah, I don't really pray, tell I let you go, because anytime I say I'm like going to go do something Must be nice.

Speaker 2 59:00

I'm at I. That's not me being possessive of you, that's me being like. I wish I could go to lunch too. I'm at work. Are you out here going to lunch? I'm at work.

Speaker 1 59:08

Nigga, you go to lunch at work.

Speaker 2 59:10

I eat the lunch I pack for.

Speaker 1 59:13

I go to lunch. Even when I worked, I went to lunch.

Speaker 2 59:18

But ain't the same. You was at work, so you earned that lunch. You earned your lunch too, yeah, but that's what I'm saying Now you just at home and you go to lunch. You ain't earned that lunch. You're going to make your sandwich in the kitchen.

Speaker 1 59:30

What did you say? Oh, like, that's going to be a clip and I can't wait for the comments on that one. I can't wait for the comments on that one. You didn't earn that lunch.

Speaker 2 59:41

I didn't. Now you may have earned yourself some adult time with you know, with your friends, to go out and maybe have a lunch with your friend occasionally, but you shouldn't be out here having lunch every day when you ain't leaving home.

Speaker 1 59:53

Now I just watched an episode of the Jefferson's and he just told Weezy that she needed to quit her volunteer job we ain't got nothing, because I mean in a technical sense, you might have what they have back there.

Speaker 2 1:00:05

I ain't got seven stories like yours, okay, okay.

Speaker 1 1:00:11

So how do you think that shows up in conflict resolution though? What what Like your upbringing? Do having like that possessiveness or the selfishness? Would you Like the selfishness? How do you think that shows?

Speaker 2 1:00:26

up, but I'm not selfish when it comes to, when it comes to matters Like what Like when it comes to disagreements like I can see your side of the argument, even if I don't always agree with it, and I acknowledge it at least. And if we disagree, we disagree or disagree. Nothing gets resolved. But a lot of times, like I say, a lot of times, a lot of times when I sit down and I hear your part of the story and I think, and I think about it from your side, I'm like damn, you're right and I apologize to you, it's not, I'm not, I don't hold like some, I don't know, I don't hold like some, like hatred or any like like negativity towards anytime we disagree, like we don't.

Speaker 2 1:01:04

If we disagree, a lot of times it's just like you said, it's we see, we see the same thing differently. It doesn't mean either one of us is wrong. But a lot of times when I hear your, when I hear your approach of all right, you explain to me your angle. I can see why you see it that way, because a lot of times I understand that I'm looking at things from a male perspective and you're looking at things from a female perspective, so I can understand why we clashed for certain things.

Speaker 1 1:01:31

Do you think that you know? Have you heard the saying like, like little girls, fathers are their first loves, little one right? And how we're always looking for our father or our mother in our spouse? Do you think that you are? Do you think and I'm asking this because this is what I have asked myself do you think that you look for the type of mother you wanted for yourself in me?

Speaker 2 1:02:07

Well, I didn't. I didn't know what type of mother I wanted I. This is what I can, this is what I can understand, because you were raised by your grandparents.

Speaker 1 1:02:14

You weren't raised by your maternal mother.

Speaker 2 1:02:18

When I look at you, the things I correlate with you and my grandmother is that you're both loving, kind hearted people who will, if need be, give the shirt off your back for someone, and that you will do anything for your family, and not only that you're loyal to your family. That is the correlation I see between you and my grandmother. So, because you're nothing like my mother nothing unless you got some tequila bottle over there somewhere, I don't know You're nothing like my mother.

Speaker 1 1:02:54

So shout out to my mother-in-law I love you.

Speaker 2 1:02:57

So yeah, I can correlate some of those characteristics with my grandmother and I can see why I was drawn to you or why I stayed around, because I know, everybody knows I was drawn to you.

Speaker 1 1:03:11

Okay, I ask that because I think about, like my relationship with my father. Right, and I have a better relationship with my father now because one I'm an adult, right, and as an adult, if you didn't have a relationship with a parent growing up as an adult, you get to choose, right, and so I choose to have a relationship with my father now and I choose to not hold the past or his lack of presence in my life against him. Right, I chose, I choose to meet him where he is now and we build on that right. But when I think about even just like my decision in dating when I was younger and what type of boys I was interested in, I knew right off the bat what type of boys I was not interested in. I knew what type of boys I was not going near. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 1:04:13

No, I know what kind of boys were you not going near.

Speaker 1 1:04:17

I wasn't going towards the boys who were, like you know, not into doing school. I was not going towards the boys who did not appear to be responsible. I wasn't going to the boys who liked to party.

Speaker 2 1:04:30

You thought I was responsible as a kid.

Speaker 1 1:04:34

You saw I'm talking about like in high school. You saw I wasn't responsible. You saw what the population of kids we went to school with yes, you told me I was the safe choice. You know I wouldn't say safe, but I would say you were more aligned with what I wanted and what I knew I did not want.

Speaker 1 1:04:57

Okay so, but when I think about that, I think about the expectations that I have of you and I think about how that correlates.

Speaker 1 1:05:12

I think about how that correlates to my relationship with my father and how I felt, like as a young child growing up, not having him there all the time, right, and being able to see my daughter have you as her father.

Speaker 1 1:05:27

It's like that's when I say to myself like okay, like I think I did, I think I did good, like I think I did good because at least she has a parent who's present, he loves her, he spends time with her, he tells her you know all of the things. And that's why when, like, even when you're tired and she'd be like dad, like can you play with me? Like I give you a look, because I know you about to be like Phoenix, I really like dad's really not in the mood. But I give him a look, like yes, you're going to play with her, like even if it's 10 minutes, even if it's 15 minutes, because you always into playing with her. Like last night you didn't think you was going, yeah, you did. Yeah, you did Because it's like for one, she's not going to be six forever, right, and I didn't play with her last night.

Speaker 2 1:06:15

You did play with her last night. You guys played Barbie the gymnast part.

Speaker 1 1:06:18

And then you played with her afterwards.

Speaker 2 1:06:20

We played Pikachu. We played Pikachu.

Speaker 1 1:06:21

I'm always now playing Pikachu.

Speaker 2 1:06:25

It doesn't matter what time Anywho.

Speaker 1 1:06:26

Anywho, I think about like my relationship and the correlation to like not having my father present when I was younger and the expectations that that makes me feel that I should have and have to have a view, and it's like you're not.

Speaker 1 1:06:45

you're not. I understand and know that you're not. You're not my father Right, and you're not. You're not in stop it and you're not in the position to make me feel like I'm your little girl, but I do. I do see. You know, for me, like the pattern, especially when choosing a mate that was very high on on on my list, like I was very conscious about thinking about, like I'm not going to be out here just while in, just because like I like him and he cute and that's who I'm going to link up with, because I could potentially be with this person for a very long time and I don't want what I have. Does that make sense? I don't know if that makes sense.

Speaker 2 1:07:33

It makes sense to me, but I will say this like you know, even having, like I said, even having my grandparents right, they're at the age where they couldn't do much with me, so I still did a lot of things. You know, I didn't have anybody at games or anything like that. They couldn't do stuff like that and they couldn't play and interact with me as a kid, because they know they were older.

Speaker 2 1:07:52

So in that regard I try to be the opposite of what I was shown. So I do try to, and whenever I can, I do try to be involved and to play with her and to do activities as much as possible when I am around, and that's and that does stream from my childhood of not having that interaction myself.

Speaker 1 1:08:12

Yeah, and I, and I think we parent, we parent and interact with each other based on the environment that we were cultivated in, right? So it's like, just just like you, as a parent, you want your kid to have more and be more and do more than you did. You know, I'm sure our parents have said the same thing for us. They want more and better for us, right? But we also can't negate the fact that these type of environments that we were raised in shaped us, which is why, when you start if any of you have ever done therapy, that's why they always start with childhood.

Speaker 2 1:08:57

Had a lovely childhood.

Speaker 1 1:08:59

Everything starts with the foundation of childhood your major characteristics, how you, how you handle yourself, how you handle your self-talk, how you handle interactions with the people around you, your interpersonal skills. All of that started with how you developed those skills from the, the, the home you were cultivated in, you know you were raised in. All of those things helped to shape you. But for me, I just I see certain things in myself that I would like to be better at or that I know I could be better at.

Speaker 1 1:09:36

And that's why I wanted to kind of have this discussion, and if I was going to choose like a New Year's resolution, like a definitive New Year's resolution, I would say that that's what I am going to make a conscious effort to work on this year, which is to go a little bit more inward and fill up of my own cup a little bit more, instead of just simply prioritizing everybody else around me I feel like I haven't prioritized myself enough and to be more self-full, and not necessarily selfish, but to be self-full so that I too can, you know, be better for the people around me. You know, would you say so?

Speaker 2 1:10:27

Yeah.

Speaker 1 1:10:29

Yeah.

Speaker 2 1:10:30

Yeah.

Speaker 1 1:10:33

So that was a good discussion, babe. Thanks, yeah, what's the year for? Why am I just getting year?

Speaker 2 1:10:39

Yeah.

Speaker 1 1:10:43

What is your problem? I ain't got no problem. I'm going to ask you again what's your problem with me?

Speaker 2 1:10:47

I'll tell you later.

Speaker 1 1:10:49

Promise.

Speaker 2 1:10:50

Yeah, okay, guys.

Considering Divorce and Rebuilding Family

Speaker 1 1:10:55

Let's hop into something a little bit more off-subject. Let's dive right into hour two cents. Okay. So this one says that me and my wife are getting a divorce with four kids. She cheated on me multiple times. Should I ever give her another chance?

Speaker 1 1:11:23

We've been married just about seven years and she comes to me just after New Year's to tell me that she wants a divorce. Little did I know. The night when she went out with her friends, she cheated on me with a coworker in a car. This is the second time I've caught her cheating with a coworker. The first time was on a business trip and she had him sleep over at a hotel with her for two days. During that time, she was pleasuring herself with another guy on FaceTime. These are the only situations I know of as far as anything sexually happening. Both of these events were exactly one year apart and, no, I have never cheated on her and I have never even talked to another woman. Since I've been in this relationship, I've been the one stuck at home with all the kids taking care of them, and losing my time.

Speaker 1 1:12:09

Why are you laughing?

Speaker 2 1:12:11

Nothing Go ahead.

Speaker 1 1:12:13

Oh, while she goes out and has fun which at the time was fine I was fine with, because one thing in life I wanted to be was a father who had a wonderful family I now realize how much more I have put my I have put above my personal needs. I gave her everything and more, yet this still happened. She's currently with the guy she cheated on me with for the second time, currently seeing him whenever she can. Am I the fool for one day believing we could rekindle our family?

Speaker 2 1:12:42

Yes, yes, yes, because this is what I have things happen in my mind. Okay, tell me, you've become a stay at home father. Yep, your wife doesn't respect you. Nope, she sees you as another child that she takes care of.

Speaker 1 1:12:58

I mean how she ain't taking care of the other ones. He's taking care of them Well, because financially. Oh.

Speaker 2 1:13:03

And she has no respect for you.

Speaker 1 1:13:04

Ooh.

Speaker 2 1:13:05

She doesn't see you as a man, she sees you as a problem. So you need to exit stage left and make sure you she paid your alimony Because clearly she can't take care of the kids. She probably know who the doctor is, so take your kids, go find you somebody. Wait. Wait until it's final. Then go find somebody and now, as long as you have proof of her infidelity, I would grant it. Get paid. My brother, get that paper. She has released you of all your financial responsibility to her. Get that paper.

Speaker 1 1:13:38

Okay. So as a person who is an at home parent, I totally could understand where he was coming from, where he feels like he has put everybody's needs above his own right and where he's like am I crazy for thinking that I can rekindle my family First of all? No, you're not crazy for thinking you can rekindle your family, Okay. And the only reason why I say that is because in the beginning, when this whole setup was what it was, it was probably beautiful, it was probably great, right, and that's what he knows is the potential it could be right. What I feel like has shifted and what has changed is kind of like what you said, like her perception of him has changed. Right, he's at home with kids four kids all day, doing all of the stay at home things. He's just not. He's not exciting, he's not appealing to her, he's not like he's not any of those things right.

Speaker 1 1:14:38

And I can resonate with that because I feel like I can probably be that for you sometimes. I don't know if that's true, but I'm just saying I know I have internalized that for myself. So much like yeah, where you're just like okay like I'll let you know. I can't. I'm gonna just readjust my mic we ain't got there yet.

Cheating, Self-Improvement, and Relationship Dynamics

Speaker 2 1:15:00

Look here my guy. She's cheated twice. I would you know, being the petty person I am. I'd get a DNA test on all them kids.

Speaker 1 1:15:11

He didn't say nothing about. He didn't say nothing about wondering if his children was his children, though.

Speaker 2 1:15:17

I get DNA tests on all them kids and then because you think this is behavior that has started like starting to.

Speaker 1 1:15:23

he just knows about it now.

Speaker 2 1:15:24

Right, Starting tomorrow. I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna go to the gym. Hey, do the same thing these women do when they, when they get single.

Speaker 1 1:15:34

I think there is something to be said Go get your baddie body.

Speaker 1 1:15:37

I think there is something to be said, because I kind of feel like somebody is gonna say, well, why can't he like do that now and work on his self? I think there is something to be said that when you are I'm gonna say it like when you're like sacrificing yourself for your family, right, I'm not thinking about like okay, like, oh, I'm becoming less attractive, or like my partner is not gonna see me like this because you're in it. You're like in, you're in the thing of it. He's fulfilling his duty. He's fulfilling his duty. If this is the setup that we have set up, I am going.

Speaker 1 1:16:09

I'm all in on my side, right, and my side is the less glamorous side, right, but you you, on the other hand, you still get to. It may not be glamorous, but you still get to get up every day. You get to get dressed, you get to leave this house with a purpose, you get to interact with other adults, you get to entertain conversations and, of course, that's going to seem appealing when you're out there and you're talking to the coworker who may be cute and handsome, and you're seeing him only in this, in this type of scenario. You're not seeing him like on an everyday at home he could probably be a slob. At home, he could probably be an asshole when you go to data.

Speaker 1 1:16:42

But this part where you guys get to have this little fantasy of a fair where you're meeting up at the hotel, all of this is exciting and everything like that, right. So, of course, when you go home and your husband's in the thick of it and it's like you know he's been taking care of kids and cooking dinner and straightening up and things like that, it's like, oh, this shit is depressing. Like I come home to you and you're supposed to be my man, like it's hard for me, it's hard for her to probably look at him and be like, oh, like you're not sexy. You know what I'm saying. So it's hard for him to just be like you know what? Let me pour into myself, let me go into the gym, let me take care of myself.

Speaker 2 1:17:17

But.

Speaker 1 1:17:17

But but to see him on the inside, goodbye. But if he starts doing those things, like you said, right, like let's say they split, right, and now he's got time to pour into himself and get himself together, guess who's going to be feeling salty, she's gonna feel salty. She's gonna feel real salty. She's gonna feel real salty and then it's going to be a conversation. Well, why couldn't you do all of those things where, like you know, look like you were interested in life when we were together?

Speaker 2 1:17:43

because she didn't grant him with a safe space. I love when she flipped.

Speaker 1 1:17:51

I don't like you. I love when it's flipped. He wasn't in the safe space, is that what it was?

Speaker 2 1:17:56

He was making sure the family was taken care of. He was making sure the children had everything I mean now.

Speaker 1 1:18:00

And granted, don't get me wrong, we don't know, you don't know these people. He might be an asshole. We don't know, we don't know.

Speaker 2 1:18:08

I'm sure whatever reaction he gives her is warranted, because she doesn't respect him and the work he does, as be as him being a homemaker, she's not.

Speaker 1 1:18:18

Obviously she doesn't respect him. She's cheating on him Exactly.

Speaker 2 1:18:22

He don't have a safe space.

Speaker 1 1:18:25

You don't even make sense right now.

Speaker 2 1:18:27

I don't get your money, my dude. All right, guys make sure she pay for your lawyer too.

Speaker 1 1:18:37

Okay, well, that's been the advice of Melethal, and this has been another episode quality.

Speaker 2 1:18:43

They want to be equal. We're going to let them be equal.

Speaker 1 1:18:46

I don't think that's what they meant. It don't matter what they meant, and I think we were all behoosled. I think they pulled a fast one on us guys. It don't matter what they meant, it's what they wanted.

Speaker 2 1:18:57

They pulled a fast one on us Quality feminism.

Speaker 1 1:19:03

Okay.

Speaker 2 1:19:03

Time for her to pay that child support in Alamone.

Speaker 1 1:19:06

This has been another episode.

Speaker 2 1:19:07

You've been a little good, my dude.

Speaker 1 1:19:10

Oh, fuck, you know what? Let's just make it simple. Maybe she just don't want you Keep the house too. Maybe she just don't want you. And when people show you who they are, believe them the first time and, in your case, believe them the second.

Speaker 2 1:19:21

and the third time. Keep the house and make sure you move a girl in.

Speaker 1 1:19:26

If she don't want you, do what you can to better improve yourself and work at your marriage. If that is something that you want to do, that's really all I can say, because when there's cheating involved, that's a whole another level.

Speaker 2 1:19:47

She's a garbage human being.

Speaker 1 1:19:49

I wouldn't say she's a garbage human being.

Speaker 2 1:19:50

She don't honor her boss. She's disoilal. She's disoilal If she can cheat on you.

Speaker 1 1:19:53

She can do anything. This has been another episode of Life After I Do. If you're not already following us, follow us on Facebook, instagram, tiktok, youtube and we are not on OnlyPans. You can follow us at Life After I Do podcast on those platforms. If you would like to write into us on a topic that you would like for us to discuss, or if you have any questions, you can always write to us at Life After I Do podcast at gmailcom. New episodes are every Wednesday, guys. Okay, so like comment subscribe. We're available on all digital streaming platforms. I'm busy, so yeah.

Speaker 1 1:20:34

So until next week, peace.

Speaker 2 1:20:39

Doses.