Life After I Do Podcast
Marriage and relationships can be tough. You may feel like you’re the only one struggling but you’re not. Life After I do is a weekly podcast where Morice and Kynesha, a black married millennial couple, share their experiences and advice on everything from kids and family to intimacy and connection. Noting is off limits.
In their 24 years together and 10 years of marriage, Morice and Kynesha have learned a lot about what it takes to make a relationship work. They know the importance of communication, trust and commitment. They also know it’s okay to not have it all figured out.
Join them every Wednesday as they talk about their own journey of “Life After I do”.
Life After I Do Podcast
Apologetic
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Have you ever wondered why some apologies can heal a hurt while others fall flat? This episode peels back layers of this complexity, revealing the art of a sincere apology and why it's about more than mere words. We dissect the subtle cues and respectful follow-through that are crucial for mending bridges and why these gestures are essential for a healthy, trusting relationship. Our candid stories might just make you reconsider your next "I'm sorry," as well as illuminate the unspoken language of love and conflict that we all navigate in our closest relationships.
Thanks for rocking with us! Don’t forget to follow Life After I Do so you never miss an episode. Got a relationship situation you want us to weigh in on? Hit us at https://beacons.ai/laidpodcast — we just might talk about it in a future episode.
Catch Up
Speaker 1Now it is my responsibility to dictate how you perceive me, right, and my actions towards you, right? Because, as your husband, I don't want to make you sad, I don't want to make you hurt. I don't want to hurt you in any way. I want you to be happy. I want you to be, at the very least, agreeable with me, right yeah? So to end that in that point, yes, I'm somewhat responsible, through my actions, of how you feel, but how you look at me in the moment is that's strictly on you, right? Yeah? Especially if I'm doing everything I'm going to do, I'm not really acting out of character, right?
Speaker 1Now if I may hear a while and doing something out of character, and I'm giving you just cause to look at me weird and be like what, what, what are you? What is you?
Speaker 2on yeah.
Speaker 1That's different. But if it's just a normal day, I'm not responsible for your feelings towards me.
Speaker 2Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of Life After I Do. I am Nisha G and I'm here with my husband your husband. Molito.
Speaker 1Molito.
Speaker 2AKA Marie Skill.
Speaker 1Molito Momito all the way.
Speaker 2Our daughter says it is Monito.
Speaker 1Momito.
Speaker 2Hi Monito, momito, hey babe, hey, what was up? How's it going? It's going, baby, how was your week?
Speaker 1It was just a countdown.
Speaker 2The final countdown. He's been on vacation this week. So when vacation first started every day, he was, well, the first day he's like 11 days, I'm going to be with you for 11 days and I was like, oh, yay, then it was 10 days, Then it was five days. How many days you got now, babe? Zero.
Speaker 3You don't have zero.
Speaker 2You don't have zero.
Speaker 1You got somebody else with you. Huh, you got somebody else with you. What?
Speaker 2are you talking about? How many days do you have left?
Speaker 1One.
Speaker 2What you have.
Speaker 1No well, I mean, I guess, if you include that, by the time that y'all hear this, I'll be back at work.
Speaker 2Yeah, by the time you hear this, I'll be back at work, but it's been nice having you home.
Speaker 1Monito.
Speaker 2It's been nice having you home. It's been nice having you off. Don't just abuse me.
Speaker 1You just want me home so I can show it for you around. Your daughter just want to attack me. She has two modes either she's going to beat me up or she's going to be overtly affectionate, because she went through a spell yesterday where she wanted to kiss my forehead for like 10 minutes straight and I said OK, I love you too. This is enough.
Speaker 2Don't tell her, it's enough. She was feeling lovey.
Speaker 1OK, well, she could. I said go, love me and mama.
Speaker 2She did and I love when she does.
Speaker 1Yeah, go love. She says mama mama, I love you. Go love on your mama.
Speaker 2And I say oh, I love you too, baby, but anywho, tell me more about your week. How was your vacation overall?
Speaker 1It was terrible why I was dealing with sickness and illness and trying to bounce back and then trying to. You know weather, the storm put on a strong face and you know, make sure my daughter have a good Christmas, make sure you have a good birthday and make sure you know we had somewhat of a decent New Year's meal, you know.
Speaker 2Oh, it's just so hard oh.
Speaker 1I'm done. How was your? How was your week?
Speaker 2My week was good. I enjoyed having my sister down for a few days. My sister lives up north. Goodbye. I enjoyed having my sister down for a few days. That was really nice. Got to spend some quality time with her. She spent my birthday with me in New Year.
Speaker 1Oh hell.
Speaker 2Oh, no wait. Not New Year's, my birthday, but not New Year's. She came the day after New Year's.
Speaker 1She came, the day of New Year's.
Speaker 2Oh, the day of New Year's. That's right, she came. The day of New Year's, man, you got a year older and now your memory going right to your shoulder Now, your memory Lord.
Speaker 1We're going to have to trade you in ASAP.
Speaker 2Anywho, I enjoy spending time with my sister.
Speaker 1I want to say you do look, you, looking cozy over there.
Speaker 2I am pretty cozy. I'm just like sweat pants and T-shirt or sweat jacket today.
Speaker 1He's like are you like? You need a book and a cup of tea.
Speaker 2Don't be saying like all the things that I want to hear, because it's like super cold outside right now and I will want nothing more than to like be in the corner of my couch with a cup of tea and like finish reading my book. Like I'm in between I don't want to say I'm in between books, but I'm reading like two books at the same time. I don't know why I do that. I guess my brain just kind of like hops over.
Speaker 1But because you want to hear both sides of the audience.
Speaker 2Well, no, I want to hear like I'm interested in both types of books at the same time. So sometimes I get impatient where I'm like I feel like I'm not finishing this book fast enough and I really want to start the other books. So then I go and I start the other book, but in reality it's going to take me longer to finish both, when I should just knuckle down and finish the one so I can get to the other, because then by the time that happens I'm already like looking at new books and I'm like, yes, I want to get this book. I don't know, I just really like books. But anywho, overall I had a great new years. I had a great birthday. I spent the day with my family. My husband did what he normally does, which is just like you know, cater to me make me feel special on my birthday. That was really nice.
Speaker 2My daughter was doing her best not to make it about her. She did terrible. She did a terrible job on the middle of her. We went to, we went and we did a little shopping and every time we went somewhere, like when we had said we were going to go shopping, in general she goes oh yes, I need to buy something. That's what she said. I need to buy something. So she kept going into all the stores that were obviously geared toward her, but every time she went into a store she was like, oh no, mom, it's because I need to buy you a gift. But she was only looking at things that she liked and that she wanted.
Speaker 1I told her. I said Phoenix, you ain't got no money. She said, but you got money, dad. You got money dad, so I can get something because you got money.
Speaker 2She was like mom, I just need to buy something. So yeah, but overall it was a really good birthday. I had a really good week. I just enjoyed being with my family and I mean, there's not much, not much else to report. I, just as I'm getting older, I find that spending time with just like family and friends is really fulfilling for me. Like I just want like quality time and conversation and just hanging out at home and just doing like the simple things is what really brings me joy. It really does like in a real way it brings me joy.
Speaker 1You didn't tell me about the chicken you got on your birthday.
Speaker 2The what.
Speaker 1Yeah, your meal, your birthday.
Speaker 2Oh, OK, so there's this restaurant that's in San Diego.
Speaker 1We're not going to pay to plug people.
Speaker 2I don't care, I can just tell them the restaurant. But there's a restaurant that's in San Diego called the Louisiana Purchase and they have this meal called the Dookie Chase. I don't know why it's called Dookie Chase. But it's called Dookie Chase, but in the meal you get fried chicken wings and a biscuit and the Mac, the Gouda mac and cheese. When I tell you, oh, with honey, because you put the honey on top of the chicken, oh, my goodness, so good.
Speaker 1And that's what I had to address. I don't know what it is, but when you get like when you hit your 30s, you and chicken.
Speaker 2I mean just chicken wings, Not like chicken overall, because what's really funny is like how often do I even buy chicken?
Speaker 3Like when I go grocery shopping.
Speaker 2I don't really buy chicken Like as I've gotten older, especially like buying chicken from like the store. I don't know if y'all notice, but chicken look bad, like chicken ain't chickening and it ain't doing good Right. So usually when I have chicken it's going to be like outside, like at a restaurant or something like that, and nine times out of 10.
Speaker 19.8 times out of 10,. It's going to be wings, that restaurant chicken, the same chicken.
Speaker 2It probably is, but by the time it gets to my plate is dressed up. So this is so. My brain, my brain, you know my brain makes it okay. But any who, yes, louisiana Purchase in San Diego fire, I recommend the dookie chase, yes. So so I guess with that we'll just go ahead and hop into today's topic. So today we're going to be talking about apologizing guys.
Speaker 1Something you really do.
Speaker 2Good darn by. I apologize when I know I've. I apologize when I know I've wronged you or if I feel as though, like I've come off a bit disrespect for a little bit strong, you do, I do what I apologize.
Speaker 2Oh okay, I was going to say I was like I really I was going to say I really kind of take a fence to that because you say I don't apologize to you because I try to make a point, to be mindful, like when I know I know how I am, Like I know how I can my mouth can get sometimes. You know what I mean and I know when I've kind of gone off the rails when speaking to my husband and I just be like, okay, I could have said that better or I didn't have to be as disrespectful when I spoke to him the way I spoke to him. You know, but any who I just wanted to touch on, just like apologizing and relationships and how important that is, and do you think the apology has to be as loud as the hurt you caused? So there was a clip that I had found that I wanted to play and then kind of do a little follow up on you want to go right now?
Speaker 2Yeah, go ahead and play, okay.
Speaker 3If you hurt someone with your actions, stop thinking they're supposed to forget about everything just because you're using words. Your words didn't hurt them, your actions did. You broke something and now you're expecting them to fix the problem for you. You broke the trust, you broke the connection, you broke their heart.
Speaker 3It's going to take way more than your words, way more than you just talking. You have to put the same energy that you put into hurting them Turn around, put that same energy into helping them, helping them heal. You can't expect people to hurry up and heal and get over a pain that you caused. Your words won't heal the pain that your actions cause.
Speaker 2Okay. So it made me think about, like apologizing right and being vulnerable enough. Being vulnerable enough and being strong enough to recognize when you have either wronged someone or wronged your partner, or have stepped out of bounds or lines with your partner, and being able to be strong enough, sincere enough, empathetic enough to come to your partner and apologize and not necessarily apologize for something I mean, it could be for something that you said or how you said it. Because I think when we're apologizing, you also don't want to negate the fact that whatever emotion you were feeling at the time or whatever you were upset about, you don't want to completely dismiss your own emotions, because your emotions are valid too. But there is a way to say something and you don't have to be like nasty or rude about it or be decisive with the dismissive of somebody else. So I wanted to ask you does your apology have to be as loud as the hurt that you may have caused?
Speaker 1No, why not? It doesn't have to be as loud, it just has to be sincere.
Speaker 2Okay, so what does that look like?
Speaker 1You have to come from a humble place and be empathetic to the person's feelings, be apologetic and reinforce the apology with actions.
Speaker 2Okay, so okay if I've done something to wrong you or that hurt your feelings and. I know that I hurt your feelings, but I also felt valid in what I said or what I did.
Speaker 1Are we doing feelings over facts or facts over feelings?
Speaker 2Let's just say I'm rooted and I believe what I did, how I felt in the moment. I believe in how I felt in the moment like it was valid because it was my feelings, but my delivery was terrible.
Speaker 1Okay, so then and I clearly hurt your feelings. So then, are you apologizing for what you said, or are you apologizing for hurting my feelings?
Speaker 2I'm apologizing for hurting, I'm apologizing for how I may have come off that hurt your feelings, not necessarily apologizing for how I felt.
Speaker 1So you're apologizing for the delivery, not the message.
Speaker 2I'm apologizing for. Yeah, it could be the delivery, but I think that my apology needs to weigh as much as the hurt that I caused in that delivery. The apology needs to weigh just as much, so that you can understand that my apology is sincere.
Speaker 1I don't agree with that.
Speaker 2Why.
Speaker 1Because oftentimes, like I'll always say, it's the little things that matter.
Speaker 2Okay.
Speaker 1And the fact that you would recognize that you hurt my feelings and come and make amends, for that speaks volumes within itself. Like you don't have to make a grand gesture to apologize or to make amends if what you're saying, you're saying it with sincerity and then you don't repeat that action again. It's about the trend of the action, like so if the trend stops there and you continue to treat me in a respectful way, then the apology was sincere and so quietly and discreetly, you fix the issue and then that in itself will speak volumes. It doesn't have to start off as a loud equaling the disrespect. It's about you correcting the action and then us moving forward and you continue to not engage and set a reaction or interaction again.
Speaker 2Like having the same response or the same delivery. I mean Right, okay, so do you think an apology is necessary? If you know that the points that you were trying to make, let's just say, in an argument, are valid, you both can agree that the points are valid. However, the delivery may not have been the best. Do you think that warrants an apology?
Speaker 1If the delivery was disrespectful. Yes, If the delivery was not disrespectful.
Speaker 2What if one person deems it as disrespectful and the other deems it is not?
Speaker 1Then that's a case where you apologize simply for the other person's feelings, if you care for that person, if you don't care about him.
Speaker 2But then doesn't that make it less sincere?
Speaker 1No, it doesn't make it. Hold on, let me finish this. Go ahead. It does not make it less sincere because you're apologizing, because you care for that person. So even though, like you said earlier, even though you have conviction in your words, your delivery upset them. So you can be a polygenic about upsetting them, but not apologetic about what you've said.
Speaker 1So, like we say all the time, I understand that there's a certain way I have to talk to you in certain words that needs to be said to get you to hear me. Now, with that being said, there are times where emotions get the best of me, because I'm human and I come to you in a tone, in a manner, in a volume that don't agree with you. Right, and I can be 100% factual on what I said. But the way I talk to you, you may see it as demeaning or disrespectful. So that doesn't negate what I said, but it also doesn't, on my side, it doesn't negate that I hurt your feelings. So I can be apologetic for the delivery, because I could have chose my delivery better, and so that's something that could be more receptive from you. So I can be apologetic about how you took it, but not apologetic about what was said.
Speaker 2Okay, okay, how important do you think apologizing to you partners?
Speaker 110 out of 10 will recommend, because with apology it comes, with apologizing comes a level of respect and a level of it's like you saying, hey, your feelings matter to me and I don't want you to think that they don't. I don't want you to think that I don't value you or your feelings or your emotions, and I don't want you to think that I'm just gonna be willing to leave with your emotions like your emotions matter. So I'm apologizing to you because I was in the wrong and how I touched your emotions in that moment. You know what I'm saying. So I was in the wrong because the way I delivered my message or what I said was disrespectful and was hurtful. Right, I had a, you know, because sometimes you can say things and not necessarily mean it, but have somewhat of a malice undertone in it because you're so deep in your conviction. Right, so I can say, hey, I came to you in the wrong way. Right, I started off wrong. What I said was right, but I started off wrong, but I am sorry or I apologize for how it made you feel Right.
Speaker 1And it goes back to last week's episode when I was telling you as a man, as a leader, I have to know how to navigate conversations with you, right? So I have to understand that, like I said last week, if I come to you a certain way, I expect you to respond a certain way, right? So if I come with you with the rah-rah, I expect you to respond in kind with the rah-rah, right? But if I come to you with the rah-rah, because it's a topic that I'm heated about, because I'm passionate and it's fresh, and I haven't, like I said, I haven't had the time to calm down, and we're just talking, and I'm just telling you how I feel in the moment, cause a lot of times I feel like-.
Speaker 2Like word vomit you mean.
Speaker 1Yeah, you're right. A lot of times, whenever I get into that space, I haven't had the time to have the internal conversation with myself, right? So I'm just telling you how I feel, or what is what in the moment, and it's just coming out. It's coming out like a machine gun, right, I'm not processing it, I'm just. I'm literally just letting everything off my chest and in that moment I can understand that sometimes I can be harsh with my words, my treacherous words, because I'm not thinking about what I'm saying, I'm just thinking about conveying the message to you right and like getting it off your chest.
Speaker 1I'm not thinking about how you're interpreting it right. So, in that regards, when that happens and you don't receive it in the light I want you to, or you feel like I came at you too abruptly or too harshly right or too abrasive right, then I have to, as your husband, it's my job. Now I apologize because I now I'm trying to get a clarification and understanding about something, but I've talked to you in a way, in a manner in which you do not accept right, right, and so then that, even if what I say is factual, if you do not accept the tone, there is still some fault in that for me, for me, right. So I need to apologize. That does not negate the fact that what I said was factual and what I said was true, right. Like we always say, like I said before a lot of times, the delivery, not a lot of times the delivery matters just as much as what's being said.
Speaker 2So that's why it's-, but not more.
Speaker 1Right. So if I deliver it in a way that you deem disrespect for inappropriate, then I have to validate your feelings by apologizing. I have to understand that what I did didn't sit right with your soul and I have to validate that so that we can then have the conversation and move forward.
Speaker 2Okay, Is it your responsibility for how others feel? Like? I've asked myself this time and time again like is someone else's emotions? Like it's not my job to regulate other people's emotions, it's not my job to regulate how you feel. But I do think that when you're in relationship, when you're in a marriage, you do take responsibility of how your partner feels and how something came off to make them feel. So I think you pretty much answered it before too. Like is it your responsibility for how others feel? Why do you think it's not.
Speaker 2Especially in a marriage, not like wholeheartedly your responsibility, but you do have a responsibility to I don't know how it would work this like, for lack of better verbiages you have a responsibility to my emotional state, like I have a responsibility to your emotional state. Not that I have to carry it, but I do have a responsibility to it.
Speaker 1Well, you know where I stand on this. It is not my responsibility to care how you feel. Right, not necessarily care, but Like regulate, but regulate how you feel.
Speaker 2Right right.
Speaker 1Now it is my responsibility to dictate how you perceive me, right, and my actions towards you, right? Because, as your husband, I don't wanna make you sad, I don't wanna make you hurt. I don't wanna hurt you in any way. I want you to be happy. I want you to be, at the very least, agreeable with me, right, yeah? So in that point, yes, I'm somewhat responsible through my actions, of how you feel, but how you look at me in the moment is that's strictly on you, right? Yeah? Especially if I'm doing everything I'm full to do it, I'm not really acting out of character right.
Speaker 1Now, if I'm here awhile and doing something out of character and I'm giving you just calls to look at me weird and be like what is you on? That's different. But if it's just a normal day, I'm not responsible for your feelings towards me, right? Because whatever you feel towards me because, like a lot of times, like you said before, I do things subconsciously, not realizing, and it may trigger you to be a little annoyed with me. Right Now you're annoyed with me and I have no idea you're annoyed with me, you know, right, and it's like if you would address it, I'd be like okay, well, I apologize, baby, I won't let me go fix whatever, whatever, right? So at the end of the day, I can't control how you feel. So therefore, I should not be responsible for how you feel because I have no control, because Because you don't know what's going on in my head.
Speaker 1I don't know what's going on in your head right now and I'm walking around with a whole attitude. I'm like okay, great, and a lot of times you know it could be that you're not even annoyed with me. It's just that you've seen what I've done and that little thing may be set on top of two or three other things that are already bothering you and so it makes my little D look worse in your eyes and you're mad at me because you were already kind of like in a mood, you know.
Apologizing and Maintaining Emotional Security
Speaker 2That makes sense. I don't know. I just think, like when it comes to apologizing because when I talk to some friends and other people we have the conversation about do you apologize to your partner? And a lot of I have quite a few people who have said to me that it's not their responsibility to apologize, especially to their husbands. I feel like I hear men apologizing more sometimes to wives, but go ahead.
Speaker 1To say this. I'm gonna say this as a husband, as the leader of this family. Right, I have to apologize to you, right, Because it's part of my job to make you feel safe, right, and if I am around here just Bulldozing, Bulldozing past you, not acknowledging your feelings, just blowing them off like whatever, just deal with it, you know you're fine, you got all the little stuff right.
Speaker 1If I'm doing that, do you feel emotionally secure or do you feel like I'm not paying attention to you emotionally at all? Right, so part of my job-.
Speaker 2And that puts me in a really bad hit.
Speaker 1So part of my job as your husband is to make sure that you feel secure on all levels, not just feel like you know, if somebody come in here I'm gonna throw myself in front of you, right? But do you know that when you're going through something, I'm gonna willingly accept the emotional trauma or the emotional stress that you're going through as well, so that you can be in a good headspace to operate through your day? That's so that, and part of doing that is me apologizing to you to let you know that, hey, babe, I see you, I see what you're going through and you're not alone in this right. So that's another form of me providing security to you.
Speaker 2And I think, when it comes to me apologizing to you, for me it's important that when I recognize when I have disrespected you, like I think I've talked about this before, but, like I said in the beginning, my mouth can get. I know how reckless my mouth can get, sometimes Very reckless when I'm annoyed with him or when something is bothering me and I don't necessarily know how to express it. I can get disrespectful, like with my tone, right, and for me it's important for me to apologize to you because even when I have spoken to you in a tone that I know is disrespectful, it doesn't sit well with me. And it doesn't sit well with me because I respect you and I have respect for you as my husband, right.
Speaker 1I agree with that.
Speaker 2So I think you know it's important that I recognize that, hey, I was disrespectful to my husband. He didn't deserve for me to speak to him like that. He doesn't deserve to be spoken to like that. And then, on the same note, in my mind I'm also thinking like I would not want you to feel like you just have to take it because you're the man.
Speaker 2I will say this Because I also do feel like that's what a lot of men think like they just have to take it because they are the man. Well, that's a fact.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2And I try to be conscious of that when I make the effort to recognize where I was wrong or in the wrong, to apologize to you, because I don't want you to feel like I don't have respect for you. I don't want you to feel like you are not, like you're not that man in my eyes.
Speaker 1You know what I'm saying and I can't speak for all men, but I can say I can speak for me. Something just isn't right in my soul when we're not on the same page.
Speaker 2Oh, I know.
Speaker 1Right. So when we're battling and we have a difference of opinions, or we have a difference of words or we're just not on the same page.
Speaker 1We're not vibing, and we're not vibing, and everything seems to lead to an argument, or everything is a disagreement, or everything like you won't read, I won't blue, I won't lavender, you won't read. You know what I'm saying when it's like that. It just don't sit right with me and it makes me uneasy, right, and so I don't like to be in that headspace. So a lot of times what I would do is I'd be like okay, well, let me go try to talk to her, let me try to apologize. Let us get back to a level playing field, a level minded, right.
Speaker 2Or you just start acting like everything's good and you like coming, you tackle me and like try to hold me and kiss me and stuff, and I'm in my head. I'd be like, okay, I know what he's doing. Because I can feel that energy from you. Like when we're bickering or we're just not seeing eye to eye, I can feel that, like in my husband. It's like an energy and I can tell that it makes him like uneasy and it makes him like I gotta get back on good terms with my wife. This ain't cool.
Speaker 1My thing is I always say, like if I'm wrong and you're mad, or if I'm upset you, like, I always say I can't manipulate your timetable of being right with me, right?
Speaker 2Right, like the clip said.
Speaker 1But me personally. I'm like okay, look here, man, it's been a day, it's been a day and a half. Like how long are you gonna hold on to this? You know what I mean. Like I'm pouring my heart. I've apologized two, three times. I've went and got you. You know how I do. I started popping up with your favorite stuff, like hey, you know what I'm saying. Like what more can I do? Because, like, when we're not in, it's like my soul, my soul just ain't. I can't enjoy nothing. I'm just I'm keeping it. I'm keeping it 100.
Speaker 2Well, we're like.
Speaker 1I can't enjoy nothing, even when I'm mad at you, right? I'm mad at you and I can't even enjoy anything, because when I'm mad at you, it affects everything. So now that I'm mad at you, right?
Speaker 2Are you mad at me, or are you mad at the situation, too, that we're not on the same page?
Speaker 1It don't matter it don't matter, it can be. I'm mad at the situation, I can be mad at you. It doesn't matter, it's just, I'm just mad. And the relationship are you are the reason why I'm mad. When that is the reason why I'm mad. I can literally walk in the kitchen right and there'd be something my nude as a rotten orange, and it would rest my day Like everything would just upset me.
Speaker 2I'm not on good pages with my wife, this damn rotten orange sitting here in the kitchen. Nobody saw the rotten orange, huh.
Speaker 1I can't even, I can't focus, I can't, I can't enjoy anything.
Speaker 2Oh you be love sick, babe, I love your ass.
Speaker 1You be love sick over me. It just like I don't like. I do not like when we are not on the same page and it bothers me. I can't even enjoy my food. I can't even enjoy my food. Oh geez, I can sit there now. See, now that's when you're mad at me, right, but when I'm mad at you, oh, everything else is good. I'm gonna.
Speaker 1Because the roles have reversed, because the roles has changed. I'm mad at and it could nine times out of 10, if I'm mad at you, you in the wrong you done and you know you're wrong and you probably can't apologize for me.
Speaker 2And I'm like nah, I ain't ready, I'm sticking to it.
Speaker 1I ain't ready. I ain't ready, hit that crap right now, but you know what I feel like.
Speaker 2that kind of goes back to what we talked about a little bit last week and when I had said some people are addicted to drama. It's like when you have that feeling of like you're just being stubborn and you're not trying to get back on like even terms, because you feel like the rocks are in your corner, because you were the person that was wronged and so it's gonna be my responsibility or my decision when I decide to soften up and when I decide to let you in right. So it's like that's the little piece of the drama I think we all have with the pettiness that we all have cape with that it's capable, on the side of all of us, and I was just gonna say what I noticed is that when I'm mad at you, Yo Petty Patty come out.
Speaker 1I tend to max your petty when you mad at me Like I recall. I'm like you know what, I'm finna, milk this shit like she milked it when I was in the wrong and I'm finna-.
Speaker 2I'm gonna milk it.
Speaker 1Next topic.
Speaker 2I don't milk it.
Speaker 1I'm not going to Okay, how do?
Speaker 2I milk it. I want to know.
Speaker 1Baby, you string it along. How do I string it along?
Speaker 1Because, like I said, Okay, if you refer that to me being stubborn Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Okay, hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on.
Speaker 2I do that I'm not aware of.
Speaker 1Babe, you aware of it. You know what you be doing. Wait, you know what? Damn well this news to me. You be like babe, can you wash the dishes, or babe, can you do like things that allow me to do this.
Speaker 2Do I say it sweet like that when I'm upset with you.
Speaker 1Yeah yeah, you either say it sweet or you're like you know it'll really help if I can get some help with it. Like like you throw subliminals at me. That's passive, aggressive you throw subliminals at me.
Speaker 2That's passive aggressive.
Speaker 1You be throwing the subliminals at me. It'll really help, you know, if I can. You know, you know I can get some help around the house or maybe you could do the floors. That's your big thing.
Speaker 2Because I hate doing floors. Every time I turn around it seems like these floors are dusty again, and I don't understand, because they ain't nobody wearing their shoes and owls, so I don't understand why I got to keep watching these floors so often, but it's like you have to admit that when you're mad, when you're mad at me, often time you make me work for it.
Speaker 1I don't.
Speaker 2How could I say this?
Speaker 1Go ahead and lie to yourself.
Speaker 2I don't know if it's me making Well I guess, if I guess that could be deemed as me making you work for it. I know that for me. I get into my head where I think a little bit I don't know, I don't know, I don't know if we can recognize this as trauma, I guess. But in my head I get into I don't say it to you, but I say to myself I'd be like, forget it, I don't need him to do shit, I don't need like. Like that's the type of attitude I get in my head Like, okay, you want to be like this or you don't want to do this. This is exactly why I don't do this for you. And this is exactly like that's the dialogue I'd be having in my head. Like I don't need this, I don't need this.
Speaker 1Like forget you. You make me work for it.
Speaker 2So I guess, I guess.
Speaker 1And don't, don't, let me like, try to rub rub on you when you met.
Speaker 2Oh see, and the thing is, is like when you start rubbing up on me, like when I'm upset, I'm not going to just like push you away, I don't just like blatantly push you away, but I do give the body language like you come to bed and sweats because I do want clear communication that, like you know, I'm really not feeling, you like that right now. Look here people, I'm not going to tell you, you know, I'm just not really feeling.
Speaker 1This is how well I know my wife.
Speaker 2I just want you to know that my wife my wife don't wear socks often to sleep. I never really wear socks to bed.
Speaker 1My wife come to bed with socks on, ain't nothing to happen? That's a sign. Wait, who was I?
Speaker 2watching. I think it was.
Speaker 1I think it was tapping chance.
Speaker 2If she has sweat and he said if she got the, if she don't have the body, don't get it. He said it's not tonight. If, if if the body go on the nightstand.
Speaker 1If she wearing sweats or socks. I don't waste my time. I don't waste my time Because I know what it is. I know you. You tell me without telling me.
Speaker 2That just means I'm just trying to be cozy. Okay, the person who never wears you just said you never wear socks, so that's why I know when you come to bed with that's what I was saying, like if you're like, if I'm upset with you, and then you still be trying to like cozy up next to me, I'm not going to like, push him away and be like no, but I'm a, you know, like my body language is going to say just so you know, I'm feeling you want to be held.
Speaker 1So you go, you go, you go, you go in and from that then you go. Did you go and push your little booty back because you want me to rub your butt?
Speaker 2so you can sleep, and then that's it. That's all I need, right, that's all. And then, when you try to take it a step further, I'm going to be like. I'm going to be like, just so you know, like I have my jacket on and my squirts Shop is closed.
Speaker 1It's your shop is closed.
Speaker 2And you know so I'm not. I'm not pushing you away, not pushing you away, not telling you, no, I'm just saying I'm not really feeling like that right now, because I can tell when you open for business by what you come to bed in. Open for business. Can you not say it like that?
Speaker 1That's why I know, like when, when the rows are reversed, and I'm mad at you and you know you're in the wrong. Now you want to wear your little cute little knight to the bed.
Speaker 2I don't, I just wear like some shorts or something.
Speaker 1But you want you got the little booty meat hanging out the bottom. You want me to see it, you want me to be enticed by it, not the booty meat.
Speaker 2I have booty meat.
Speaker 1You want me to rub your back? Rub your feet.
Speaker 2I'm like no, I just say do you want me to massage your back with the massager? You're like no, no, but in your head but in your head you really be like damn, that would really feel good right now, but I got to stick it to her. I can't let her think that she off the hook. And then when we go to bed and I be like good night, you be like night and I be like I love you, like love you.
Speaker 1This is how I know my wife's trying to apologize to me. She's like. So what you want to?
Speaker 2eat. Stop, you need to stop.
Speaker 1What you want for breakfast, babe, what you want to eat. Okay, that's how I'm. I'm hip to her, like, just like she always say she's Maurice, I've been with you 20 plus years.
Speaker 2I know you better than yourself.
Speaker 1I've been with you 20 plus years. I know you better than you. I know you better than I think I do.
Speaker 2Better than you think you do.
Speaker 1I don't know better than you think I know you. I don't pay attention to you all the time, but I pay attention to sometime. I can't look at you all the time because I'm focused on what's ahead of us. Keep it a being.
Speaker 2I can't Well, yeah, any who. Apologizing to your partner is essential, guys. It's just as important as the offense that you have wronged them with, okay, so please apologize to your partner. If you have been in the wrong, apologize.
Speaker 1It's about having a healthy emotional relationship.
Speaker 2Yes, it's said again.
Betrayal and Cold
Speaker 1A healthy emotional relationship.
Speaker 2And it's not always easy. Like don't, don't think. I was going to say don't sit here and think like we, trying to say like it's super easy. It is not always easy to admit your faults or to admit when you're wrong, or to have to come to your partner and apologize. It is not easy all the time, especially if it's something that you have not been working on, especially if it's something that is very foreign to you.
Speaker 1Whenever you are put into position where you have to be selfless.
Speaker 2It's not easy, because do you think apologizing is a selfless act? It?
Speaker 1is. It is because, just because you believe I wronged you don't mean I believe y'all wronged you.
Speaker 2That's true, but that's why I was trying to say like is it sincere if you're apologizing, even if it is considered.
Speaker 1I do. I explained it.
Speaker 2I know you explained it. I can see that. Okay, I like that. But yes, it's not always easy, guys, but it's something that needs to be done. It is a journey, okay, ups, downs, ebbs blows. That is the work. I just always want to say like that that is the work. So hopping right on into our two cents Yay, oh, I can't, I can't. Y'all know my husband is messy. He like mess and drama. I get it from you. Okay, listen to this one. Let me tell y'all something.
Speaker 1If y'all tell my wife something she gonna tell me, and just so I know. I know way more than I should and, as a good husband, I do not relate this information to anybody.
Speaker 2As you should have. It should stay right there with you.
Speaker 1Will she be pillow?
Speaker 2talking. No, I don't Stop, okay, okay. So this one says am I wrong?
Speaker 1Hold on, hold on, hold on she be pillow talking so much that even Fetty walked with his bed. I can see Go ahead.
Speaker 2You thought, you thought, when you said that one that was gonna be, that was gonna be the mic drop, it was funny to me, I know, it was funny to you, I know, I know Okay.
Speaker 1Come on, man, that's my booty impressive.
Speaker 2Am I wrong to force my husband to sleep outside in the cold?
Speaker 1Yes.
Speaker 2I'm in complete shock at the moment. My hands are shaking even writing this. I'm on a burner due to the nature of this post. I don't want anyone close to me knowing this. Yet I found out. My husband of 11 years has been living a double life and has been doing something so disgusting. I can't even fathom how this was getting past me in my own household. My husband is a truck driver and more times than not he'll be out trucking for months at a time.
Speaker 2Keep on he doesn't have to be, but reassures me by telling me that it'll help us make more money. So I thought nothing of it until recently. I feel so stupid because I didn't put two and two together that he's been making the same amount of money since he first started trucking. He wasn't out months at a time back then, then he started later. He hasn't made more money, so where is the extra time going to? Well, I found out from a friend of his who revealed to me that he's not only been cheating on me with several hookers, but he's also been running around and having an affair with his friend's daughter.
Speaker 1Oh, that's why you told.
Speaker 2And that he's been letting her stay in his truck. He came home last night and I couldn't even look at him. I was so disgusted. I made him pack his stuff and told him to leave. He's been calling and texting nonstop saying he's out in the freezing cold in his truck and he doesn't want to get a hotel because of her, because he can't afford it.
Speaker 2All morning he's been banging at the door and part of me feels bad because of the weather. I just don't know if I want to let him in. The other part of me just wants him to leave and leave him out to the wolves and the elements. He keeps saying he wants to be home because he works so hard and because he's cold and he wants to try to explain himself. I just feel like there's nothing to explain. I don't know what to do. I'm freaking out right now and I feel betrayed. My life is falling apart before my eyes and words cannot describe the pain and I know what he did is so wrong. But am I wrong for not letting him come back into the house? I'm just worried because we both have ownership of the house, so I don't know if I'm even legally allowed to keep him out. Am I wrong for wanting him to stay outside?
Speaker 1Yes, it's called us.
Speaker 2My dude. He's been sleeping with hookers.
Speaker 1Here's my thing.
Speaker 2Oh yes, it's cold outside. He's been sleeping with prostitutes across the road.
Speaker 1The second you say you're sorry. I said oh, this is about them, lot lizards.
Speaker 2What do y'all call them?
Speaker 1Lot lizards, it's about them, lot lizards.
Speaker 2Wait. So, in case y'all didn't know, my husband drives trucks. I know what I do. Oh well, I'm just saying just for reference and like how you know terminology Are they really called lot lizards?
Speaker 1Yes, Um, here's my thing.
Speaker 2I can't.
Speaker 1Are we for sure? Are you sure Because it seems like now it could be a possibility here.
Speaker 2He's been gone for months at a time and she has not sent an increase in money.
Speaker 1Okay, but it could be a first of all. I can explain that because trucking rates are down Anyway. Uh, it could be a possibility that his friend won't you, and he tried to create a divide.
Speaker 2Are you really going to choose to look at it from that angle? It's possible. It's possible. Are you really going to choose to go at that angle? But we're not going to get negated. The fact that it nowhere in there does it's that she say that he's denied.
Speaker 1Okay, because because he hasn't had a chance to, because she kicked them out, won't talk to him, right? Does she have concrete proof or is it just hearsay? I just feel like the first you can't get, you can't be convicted with hearsay.
Speaker 2But there was proof that the daughter of his friend was sleeping in his truck and the friend knows that he was sleeping together. She might just need somewhere to stay, but if he's sleeping with lot lizards she don't know that.
Speaker 1Has she interviewed these lot?
Speaker 2lizards. Oh no, you're not doing that. You're not doing that.
Speaker 1She has no concrete. She has no concrete Okay.
Speaker 2And then what for what? Okay, so the only reason that you can come up with that his friend would lie and say that he's been sleeping with lot lizards Is because he wants his friend's wife.
Speaker 1Either he wants his wife or the friend thinks something's going on with the friend and his daughter.
Speaker 2Or do you? Okay, I was going to say, or do you think it's? He's upset because he's been sleeping with his daughter. He's, mind you, we don't know how old the daughter is, but we're going to assume that she's at least 18 years of age.
Speaker 1He's upset because allegedly he's sleeping with his daughter.
Speaker 2We have nothing kind of. But I think I think too you know what type of friends you got. You know what type of friends you got, and he probably know that his friend is around there sleeping with lot lizards and have been sleeping with a lot lizards for months at a time. He been working all the all these hours going back and forth over the road, but we ain't got nann extra money.
Speaker 2That's not a friend, though that's not a friend to tell your wife that he been cheating on you. That's not a friend, that's not a friend.
Speaker 1If you my friend, you on my side.
Speaker 2Even if I'm in a wrong, you're on my side, okay. So now that makes me wonder if I was out there doing you dirty and my bestie knew that I was like out there, just like popping it open for everybody, and she see you every weekend, you wouldn't be upset with her, no, now what if she told her husband? So her and her husband knew you still want to be upset with either one of them.
Speaker 1I expect that neither one of them told you that I've been cheating on you Telling married person something you expect them to tell a spouse. So if she know, I'm pretty sure now her husband might tell me.
Speaker 2But he's, he's sworn a secrecy because she be pillow talking.
Speaker 1Yeah, but he does different now.
Speaker 2No, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That is not different, because she confided in her husband and her husband is keeping her word. You said that, so that is not different and he has no allegiance to you just because he's a man.
Speaker 1Hold on. So I had a friend of mine tell me today that he knows that his neighbor is cheating and the reason why he knows his neighbor is cheating is because his wife the neighbor's wife the neighbor's wife can see his text messages on his iPad. Rookie move.
Speaker 2The neighbor's wife can see her husband's text messages on his iPad on his oh, because he leaves his iPad at home.
Speaker 1And so my friend, my friend's wife, has now read the text messages on the iPad. So, like I said before, if the wife know, the husband know, ok, right.
Friendship, Cheating, and Relationship Advice
Speaker 2So it's still like they responsibility to sell.
Speaker 1So he literally asked me this question today Should he tell him? And I said I wouldn't tell him, I would just drop subtle hints to make him think about it.
Speaker 2Wait a minute. You got. Why would you, why would you play mind games with people like that? Because now he's going to be sitting there looking at you like dude. Are you trying to tell me that my wife is cheating?
Speaker 1Because, like, like, like somebody else said on the phone right.
Speaker 2Like somebody else said, I love how you try to be so.
Speaker 1like somebody else said on the phone All you got to do is go to him saying hey, man, you know Apple. When you have Apple products, your message is on all your devices.
Speaker 2Yeah, but what if he doesn't have any suspicions?
Speaker 1Are you going to have a special? I bet.
Speaker 2Oh, like. Oh. Do you mean just telling him like, hey, like, whatever you got going on your phone, like, come up with a fake scenario and be like I was trying to surprise my wife but I forgot that she can see all my text messages on my iPad? And then the neighbor would be like wait a minute, what do you mean?
Speaker 1The network is connected.
Speaker 2Yeah, Then the neighbor would be like, what do you mean? And you can be like, yeah, you didn't know that whatever you do on your iPhone, it goes straight to your iPad. And then the neighbor would be like, oh shoot.
Speaker 1Yeah, you got to let them figure it out, because my thing is let's just say, let's say whatever. I think she's in the room. If she's in the room, she can make them sleep on the couch, but don't put them in the cold. That's my answer to that. Okay, Because I mean he still probably still pays the mortgage on that house. My thing is, as your friend, I'm not going to tell you like hey, like I'm not going to let you do this out there right Slanging Right.
Speaker 1But like I will go to my like, like with my guy friend. Well, it's kind of like they have a hard joke. Hey nigga, she got the drop on you. Just so you know, you're not as slick as you think you are.
Speaker 2So, basically, you're still helping your friend Because he's my friend, so you're still gonna be like, hey, I'm not going to say nothing to her, but I just want you to know that she spoke to my wife and my wife told me that's just silly. My wife told me that your wife know exactly what you're doing, bruh.
Speaker 1Hey, better watch your back.
Speaker 2Your wife know exactly what you're doing. Okay, well, I'm glad this is what he said.
Speaker 1The wife sitting there, put it around here talking about you.
Speaker 2But the thing is it's like going back to your friend with the neighbor if he knows that the neighbor is cheating. The other neighbors know too. Yeah, because we all see Because the wives talk. Well, not only that, but whether we all admit it or not, we are all seeing what's going on, like how people move in and out and through with their homes.
Speaker 1You know what I mean. That's why I stay consistent. I go to the same places at the same time.
Speaker 2But we have a neighbor and I promise you love my neighbor to death. But he knows what's happening in every body. He comes over to us and he'll be like, hey, you know.
Speaker 1So and so.
Speaker 2He just saw us out down the street. They just got-. We be like how did you know this? He goes what, and so I be thinking about stuff like you got. I tell Maurice all the time you make sure you be limited to talking to I don't tell him nothing.
Speaker 1Don't be out here. I don't tell him nothing. Look here the thing is. The thing is about our neighbor is-.
Speaker 2Because if he see your garage up, he gonna walk across the street.
Speaker 1Like I was out today cutting the trees, he came over.
Speaker 2Uh-huh, and he tried to talk to you for like hours.
Speaker 1So the thing is I gotta tell my wife what our neighbor is. He's retired. He ain't got nothing better to do, right, all he do is work on his cars.
Speaker 2That's how he keep it going, he take his wife grocery shopping.
Speaker 1That's how he keep it going.
Speaker 2He's asking. You are literally like the neighborhood watch slash gossip magazine, slash-.
Speaker 1He tell you who got a new car, who just straightened their car in. Who goes through a rough time. Who got people over there?
Speaker 2Like our neighbor next door.
Speaker 1They had separated.
Speaker 2He just came back home, you be surprised at things and information that people get and knowing about what's going on in your house. But any who I do, I would agree with you about not letting him be outside in the cold. I mean initially putting him outside in the cold like trying to teach him a lesson. I get it, but then at some point you are gonna have to talk to him, so you might as well let him back in his house, but why?
Speaker 1you mad.
Speaker 2He's gonna go back on the road anyway. You ain't gonna let him be warm, you gonna leave him anyway. Okay, he's probably not gonna be able to go back out on the road and I'm pretty sure one of you just don't wanna build the bank. But I know, I'm just saying that if they wanna work on their relationship, for me personally, if that became an issue where you were messing around with a lot of lizards, the first thing I would say is you're gonna have to get another job.
Speaker 1Why would I mess around with walking to the media?
Speaker 2I'm just saying, I'm just saying, I'm just saying the first thing I would say is obviously no more. You can't work as a trucker, so you gonna need to go get a new form of income. That's the first thing.
Speaker 1I'm not a trucker, all I know.
Speaker 2But, and then obviously you won't be sleeping with me anytime soon.
Speaker 1Even if the test is clear.
Speaker 2Anytime soon. You won't be sleeping with me anytime soon, sir.
Speaker 1Let's get to the real issue of this. His friend's a bitch. Oh, he ain't a friend. Oh, don't write. You don't rat your friend out.
Speaker 2Oh.
Speaker 1You don't rat your friend out.
Speaker 2Well, you don't sleep with your friend and his kids.
Speaker 1He might have crossed the line, but she, if she's a consenting adult, don't be mad.
Speaker 2Okay, well, if you're not already doing so, you can follow us on Instagram, facebook and TikTok at Life After I Do podcast, also on YouTube Life After I Do podcast. New episode is every Wednesday. You can reach out to us at Life After I Do podcast on gmailcom. Until then, we will see you all next week with a new episode.
Speaker 1Peace, bye.
