Dive into the complexities of relationships with us as we discuss the fine line between sharing and oversharing. Explore the roles each partner plays in addressing trust and conflict resolution, delving into the depths of accountability, peace, and shared responsibilities. Join us in navigating the intricate waters of life and love, breaking free from the allure of drama, and overcoming marital and parental challenges.
Dive into the complexities of relationships with us as we discuss the fine line between sharing and oversharing. Explore the roles each partner plays in addressing trust and conflict resolution, delving into the depths of accountability, peace, and shared responsibilities. Join us in navigating the intricate waters of life and love, breaking free from the allure of drama, and overcoming marital and parental challenges.
If you're going to a mutual party or you're going to a close friend to vent about your, your frustrations or your your unhappiness or your stance about confiding a friend about your partner, that that. That I feel like that's okay, right, but if you're, but if your sole goal is to go out into just a bath mouth, your partner yeah and be negative and just be negative about them, to try to paint them in a bad light to receive some type of sympathy or validation of your feelings, then no, you're wrong, because I feel like all in in-house struggles need to be dealt with in-house.
Speaker 1:And when you include outside, when you include outside sources into your business, you allow in-house side opinions, and a lot of times those opinions may not be the opinions that you want, but rather you want them or not, you're welcoming those opinions into your relationship.
Speaker 2:Hey everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Life After I Do podcast. I'm your host, Nisha G, and I am back with my co-host, my husband, my husband.
Speaker 1:Just husband, I'm not husband.
Speaker 2:He doesn't like when I call him husband, even though I have it on a sweater, but I'm here with him.
Speaker 1:Molito.
Speaker 2:Yes. But like I feel like there should have been a clap afterwards.
Speaker 1:As my daughter says, as my daughter says momito, momito, she'd be like momito, momito.
Speaker 2:So happy New Year everyone.
Speaker 1:By the time you guys hear this.
Speaker 2:See this, it'll be. Christmas is past. Happy New Year. We took a little bit of time off to celebrate the holiday.
Speaker 1:We celebrated it right.
Speaker 2:And to be together. And you know why are you being weird?
Speaker 1:Because we celebrated. No, I was sick like a dog.
Speaker 2:We didn't celebrate. We literally spent Christmas at the emergency room. They don't even know, that? Yeah, they do, because that's how we celebrate it.
Speaker 2:With me and my six year old in the parking lot at the ER because I didn't want to take her into the hospital, but we didn't want to go home and leave him at the hospital. So her and I sat in the car and we went and got Del Taco French fries, because she wanted some Del Taco French fries. And we played games. We played Free Flow, the puzzle on the iPad, and we talked Long story short, long story short.
Speaker 1:Yeah, whatever I said, long story, short Christmas with a MFO.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but it was okay because we were all. We weren't like together, together, but we were together. So, and what's more important is that you're feeling better. That's what's most important. I thought I was gonna die. I don't think you did, but I think that's a little dramatic and quite, and to be honest, we wouldn't have gone to the emergency room, we would have gone to urgent care, but because urgent care was not open, we had to go to the emergency room.
Speaker 1:Don't let him sit up here. This must be exactly what giving birth feel like.
Speaker 2:Don't you ever compare a ghost to giving birth? Uh-huh, yes, it's painful, but it is not. I mean it's painful, but it ain't birth painful.
Speaker 1:I'm giving birth. Uh-huh, it hurts.
Speaker 2:Anyway.
Speaker 1:I'm giving birth.
Speaker 2:How was your break, babe? It was stressful Besides Christmas, other than that, like, how was your break?
Speaker 1:Well, leading up to Christmas, I was sick. I had to flu.
Speaker 2:Yep, he got like a 48 hour flu. I mean thank God it didn't last like a week or two Like some people down and out. He legit was like down for a solid 48 hours.
Speaker 1:I'm still mad that I'm on. When I got sick.
Speaker 2:Where's some wood at?
Speaker 1:I need to knock on some wood because I'm normally the last person to get sick, but I was the only person, so it had to be from work, whatever, so then, so I had to flu, uh-huh, and then and thank God again. It didn't last long, it didn't last, it would last about three days. And then Christmas day, my gallbladder attacked me. Yep, For the first time ever I say, if this is, if this would approach in 40, feel like I said take me out now, Jesus.
Speaker 2:Bye.
Speaker 1:Goodbye, this is it. It's not that deep, it's really not that deep, I can finally correlate her the feelings she had when she was giving birth. I said this is painful, the pressure I wish you'd stop saying that the pressure it was just like you just tried to give birth, it's just. The pain was up higher than it wasn't in my hookah, because I don't have a hookah.
Speaker 2:You don't know what contractions feel like I do now. All of them, don't? You don't feel all the contractions in your hookah? This ain't about you.
Speaker 1:Oh my Lord. So yeah, you know it was a rough couple of weeks off for me. I didn't work much because obviously I was sick as a dog, so I wasn't very festive this year. I had you mustard through watching my daughter open her Christmas gifts while I felt like crap the whole time, but we made it through.
Speaker 2:We did make it through and she had a really great Christmas.
Speaker 1:Not tomorrow. Well, as you guys are listening to this, my wife has now turned another year older and her expiration date is closing in on her rapidly approaching.
Speaker 2:Wait a minute, okay, so really quick, before we get back onto that. So we're in the kitchen, right, and he comes downstairs and he gives me a hug and gives me a kiss and stuff, and we're like staring passionately into each other's eyes and having a total moment. Don't, don't cap. And we're having a moment, and then remember when I let my arms down and you grabbed me by my arm and my shoulder pop.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, time to trade her in my shoulder pop and it was super quiet because we were like literally having a moment in the kitchen. And so my shoulder pops and we both look at each other. He was like was that your elbow? And I was like no, who was my shoulder? And he's like oh hell, no.
Speaker 1:Time to trade her in your bones pop. I was popping, your bones are popping. In this soft life I'm providing you.
Speaker 2:Goodbye. Goodbye, I think they probably pop in, because I really haven't been like like lifting weights and stuff like I was.
Speaker 1:They're popping because they're not lubricated.
Speaker 2:That's, that's what I'm saying, because, remember, I was like for a period of time, like back in what was it? Well, I guess it's last year now, but like the first half of last year I was doing really well. I was really proud of myself. I was meeting with my trainer every week. I was doing my strength training, I was doing my cardio, my eating was like pretty good, and then, like, when I get off, I get all the way off.
Speaker 1:Well, what happened was I broke my ankle and she used that excuse.
Speaker 2:Well, well, I mean, it wasn't an excuse you could go up and down stairs, so I couldn't do anything but you could easily do everything you could easily just and you.
Speaker 1:it wasn't just your ankle sir.
Speaker 2:He had a broken ankle. He had cracked ribs. He had an entire left bruised side. Like he acts like it was just his ankle. He was in a cast.
Speaker 1:I was in pretty back condition.
Speaker 2:Okay, so anyway, I would do it again in a heartbeat. We're not going to talk about that, because the people don't need to hear us argue right now.
Speaker 1:But that's what this is, yeah, but we know that is what our platform is for, but I don't want to argue about that topic right now. And in case you're wondering what the topic is about.
Speaker 2:he got those injuries from being on a motorcycle. Okay, and it's been. It's been a contention in in the of a topic in our marriage. Since that has happened, and you know, maybe we'll get into that another episode, but I'm not talking about that right now because it's a sticky situation. So any who? Um, yes, so for me Christmas was great.
Speaker 1:Hold on, hold on. Before you go. I will also say in these last two weeks I've still been obsessed with my wife. I've been, I've been on her. You see how she looking this purple, she lost my color. She's trying to get his favorite color.
Speaker 2:She's trying to get some. So it is his favorite color. Um, but any who, I had a great and you know like I wouldn't say great, but it was a good Christmas. Um, we still I'm happy. I. One thing that made me happy about Christmas is that we stuck to our guns about not overspending for Christmas gifts for her, the for her this year. Okay, no, what I mean by that is we didn't over, we didn't do overboard with buying her a ton of things. The things that we did by her were, you know, still likes. Two of the items were still big purchases as far as like dollar amounts, but as far as overdoing it, like trying to make sure there is just tons of boxes and stuff under the tree. I'm happy that we stuck to our guns and didn't do that, even though, like the week before Christmas we still talked about like the saying that we always do. Once we wrap stuff and see how much stuff she has, we always say do you think she has enough?
Speaker 2:all the time All the time. And we're like, when he he walked into the kitchen like a few days before Christmas and he was like I don't feel like we got her, got her enough stuff? You think she has enough stuff. And I'm like, first of all, that's not the point that we're trying to convey to her. And for two, we are sticking to our guns. This year she does not need like an obscene amount of things, right, but she got the things that she asked for.
Speaker 1:And the things she asked for were expensive.
Speaker 2:Yes, but she got the things that she asked for. So and I think I think that you know her getting the things that she asked for, and then us just like sprinkling in some like smaller toys, she was perfectly content. Yeah, like she was grateful, she was excited. She was like, oh my gosh, like I got everything. She was like Mom, I got my springboard, oh my gosh, I got my bath, like she was really excited. And then the little toys that we supplemented with the, the toys that we got to supplement. She really enjoyed those two, like she really she really did and she loved it. So I mean, can I ask for anything better?
Speaker 3:right.
Speaker 2:So yeah, other than that, christmas is great, New Year's was good. My sister came down. She made us some gumbo. That was really good. He ate like 19 bowls.
Speaker 1:I hadn't eaten all day.
Speaker 2:I was starting Don't let him cap you guys. Trash, don't let him cap you guys.
Speaker 3:Trash.
Speaker 2:That's how he remember the other episodes. I told you this is how he is Trash. If it's the opposite of what the good is, that means he liked it. Okay, If he talks crap about you, it's because he likes you. It's like old school little boy on the playground. If he beats you up, it's because he likes you. If he talks shit about you, it's because he likes you Nobody. I said little kid on the playground.
Speaker 1:Don't be putting that on me Anywho. Just what we got today. So, because you want to get beat up.
Speaker 2:I just hope everybody enjoyed their Christmas and everybody had and everybody had a great new year. So happy 2024.
Speaker 1:Happy mom year.
Speaker 2:I pray that all of the things and goals that you have set for yourself this year, that you stay consistent and disciplined and reach those goals. And you know, if it's to work on yourself, everyone usually has a new year, new me type of plan. I wish you all the best.
Speaker 1:So what's your plan for new year? Real quick to interject. What's your plan for new year?
Speaker 2:My plan for the new year is to not get into my own head, like not to talk myself out of things. I want to not talk myself out of things and I also okay, I also want to how do I word it? Not necessarily be an emotional dumpster for other people. Like I want you know, I like to be a supportive friend, I like to be the friend that you can call and lean on and talk to and everything like that.
Speaker 2:But what I've noticed is that sometimes when you make yourself available to people in that capacity like a lot of the time, and you don't get that in return, then it's all, then it's like you're being their emotional dumpster. Do you know what I mean? Like you can call me with all of the things that you need to dump, all of the negative things, all the hurts, the sorrows and things, and you dump it on me. But if I need to have a moment for myself to call you, to talk to you or to like emotionally dump on you, those same people are not there for me in the capacity that I know I can be for them. You know people are always busy or I don't have time to talk Like, so my thing is not necessarily setting a boundary, but just being more mindful of the relationships that I have. I'll say that being more mindful of the relationships that I have, what's your plan for 2024?
Speaker 1:I just in 2024,. I'm just not holding my tongue.
Speaker 2:I mean, I don't see how that's a plan, because no, that's a.
Speaker 1:that's the problem I've been holding back. I'm going to release the release the dragon. Okay, that doesn't sound.
Speaker 2:That doesn't sound like you've been holding back. That sounds like you're. You're going to use that as an excuse to be an even bigger butthole.
Speaker 1:I'm not, not not being a butthole. I'm saying if you ask me the truth, if you ask me opinion by a son, I'm going to give you a full opinion, whether you like it or not.
Speaker 2:How do you feel about wedge shoes?
Speaker 1:I hate them. They're terrible. Whoever invented them needs to disappear. They're whole line. It's what's the point? You already have a heel. What's the point of a wedge?
Speaker 2:It just looks. You never wear a pair of heels for a long period at a time.
Speaker 1:The wedges, the wedges, they look. They look terrible. Not all of them. They're like crusty sandcastles.
Speaker 2:That doesn't even make sense. Maurice Crusty, sandcastles, yeah they're like crusty sandcastles.
Speaker 1:They're just ugly. I don't like them.
Speaker 2:Okay, let's get into the topic today. What do?
Speaker 1:you want me to tell you I don't like them? Okay, that's fine.
Speaker 2:Okay, so today's topic is going to be about bashing or bat talking your spouse to friends and family.
Speaker 1:You ain't bout shit, you ain't gonna be shit, you never was shit.
Speaker 2:How many times have you been with your friends? You ain't bout shit, you ain't gonna be shit, and would you cut out so silly? I don't know what's wrong with him this evening. I'm sorry this is going to be a long episode, yes, but bashing or bat-mouthing your partner, aka throwing them under the bus, aka violating their privacy?
Speaker 1:It was funny because I felt like that didn't rub you.
Speaker 2:But you just did.
Speaker 1:I felt like you threw me in the bus all the time. You blame me for everything.
Speaker 2:Okay, itty-hoo, bashing your partner to your friends. Okay, okay, gossiping about your partner to your friends.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Do you think that's something that is healthy or conducive to your relationship? Now, I don't mean before you start, because I don't mean like going to a neutral party that is a friend and seeking advice or being able to confide in them. That's different, okay.
Speaker 1:I'm talking about. I'm not gonna say something, because that's the first thing I want to say.
Speaker 2:I'm the Exactly. That's why Let me answer your question, Wait. No, but you cut me off.
Speaker 1:I told you in 24, I'm not tolerating this. Goodbye.
Speaker 2:But so I just want you to have the better understanding Of the question, of the question. Okay, okay.
Speaker 1:Go ahead.
Speaker 2:So do you think that is harmful to the relationship or even the friendship?
Speaker 1:To the friendship that the person you're talking to, yeah, okay, here's the thing I feel like, when you're a bad mousy partner You're a bad mousy partner, like if your partner's in the room in your bad moment I feel like, well, that's just disrespectful. I feel like one, it's disrespectful. Two, I think it's a hindrance of the relationship because your problems should be your problems. You should fix those problems in-house, but like you prefer. Before you finish asking the question, I also believe that it is okay if you're going to a mutual party or you're going to a close friend to vent about your frustrations or your unhappiness or your stance about To confide in a friend.
Speaker 1:To confide in a friend about your partner, right, that's different. I feel like that's okay, right, but if your sole goal is to go out into just a bath mouth with your partner, and just be negative about them, to try to paint them in a bad light to receive some type of sympathy or validation of your feelings, then no you're wrong.
Speaker 1:Because I feel like in-house struggles need to be dealt with in-house, and when you include outside sources into your business, you allow in-house opinions and a lot of times those opinions may not be the opinions that you want.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:If you want them or not, you're welcoming those opinions into your relationship.
Speaker 2:Your relationship right, so I want you to play the clip. Play the clip, and then we'll talk.
Speaker 1:Oh, you're depending today.
Speaker 2:I'm not.
Speaker 1:Here we go.
Speaker 3:Stage number two, and this is a huge one that women don't even recognize. They gossip about their partner to other people, whether good gossip or bad gossip. Talking about your partner to people outside of the relationship destroys the sacred energy within the relationship. It is perfectly okay to have that one person, even two neutral parties, with whom you discuss your difficulties in order to get support, advice or guidance, but they should be your difficulties, not your partner's. Bad habits, insecurities, failings and shortcomings that is straight up gossip. Those are the things you need to pray about. Gossiping about your partner is one huge mistake women make because they do not realize that what destroys a relationship comes from within the relationship, not from the outside. Gossip is a betrayal of trust and a violation of confidence. My sister, women don't do it. It is a huge mistake that will destroy your relationship.
Speaker 2:Stage number two, and this is so I think one of the things that stuck out for me from that clip was when she mentioned it's a betrayal of trust. Do you agree with that?
Speaker 1:I think anytime you divulge the interracies of your relationship to an outside party, it's a form of breach of trust, because a lot of times things that are said or done within the boundaries of the relationship is meant for the other person. It's not meant to be a public thing. So if I tell you something in confidence or if I do something and I show you something in confidence, it's I'm showing that to you. So for then, then for you to go relay that outside of this to someone else to reflect on what I have done, that is somewhat a breach of trust.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I totally agree, Especially, I mean, in some circumstances. You then have that friend come back and bring your business back to you.
Speaker 1:Because if I'm vulnerable to you, that's another way men shut down. If I'm vulnerable to you and I come and I'm being vulnerable with you and I tell you something that I may be insecure about or I have a hard time processing, and you go and relay that to a friend and now that gets back to me.
Speaker 2:From the friend.
Speaker 1:From the friend. That completely breaks my trust. And now I'll never be in that head space again to actually tell you what I'm feeling or what I mean or how I feel in certain instances, because now I feel as if I cannot trust you, because you betrayed my trust and you've relayed my personal feelings that were meant for you to an outside party.
Speaker 2:And not only that. I think the part that sometimes people miss, especially when you're divulging this type of information to friends, is it also it invites them to have an opinion. So it's like if you come to me and you're telling me all this stuff, he does this, he does that, he ain't shit, he don't do this, I can't depend on him, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and then the second that I have an opinion about it, then part of it is now you being defensive, because now you start to realize that you have painted a picture of your husband to me in my head, right, and me trying to be a supportive friend, trying to look at it from your perspective, or even look at it objectively when I say something that you don't agree with about the information you just told me about your husband. Now you want to backpedal a little bit.
Speaker 1:Right, let me say this because I've had personal instances where I've had friends, you know, confided me or talked to me to get my opinion about things that are going on right and I've had it to where I've literally listened to my friend and be like no, you tripping Like you're in the wrong gear. And that didn't necessarily go well. And so then I had him say well, sometimes I just need someone to talk to. I say okay, well, if you need someone to talk to you, you didn't tell me that.
Speaker 1:But if you want my honest opinion, I'm not going to sit here and just agree with what you're doing. When I don't agree with what you're doing just because you're my friend. So that's also one way you know it may not go the way you wanted to go. And the other thing is is that I've also been in rooms where you have spouses going at it.
Speaker 2:And that's a really uncomfortable comfortable situation, Super uncomfortable. Like I don't want to be inside your argument.
Speaker 1:I don't want to be in your argument. I'm not.
Speaker 2:I'm not volunteering my my years for your business.
Speaker 1:You're putting it out there and now you're looking at me to respond to what you guys are going through, and it's like, but basically it's like, but it's not my business.
Speaker 2:I'm right, right and I think to go back, or what you talk about, about giving, like, giving the opinion, I think that, like how she said in the clip, it's okay to have one, maybe even two people that are neutral. That's the thing, you know. It's like, of course we're friends and you wanna come to me because I'm your friend I'm not necessarily like your husband's friend or both of y'all, but me and you are a friend, right. But are you coming to me because you know that I'm also another married woman and you want my perspective about it, or you want my opinion on it? Or are you coming to me for me to just validate how you think you're right and you want me to just be like girl, you know what You're right, like? You need to give him none of the breaks.
Speaker 1:I think a lot of times the friends I do have confide in me or come to me for opinions because they realize that I am. I guess when it comes to relationship and marriage and stuff, I am like the moral high girl, like I have a very Like neutral. I'm neutral, I give both sides, but at the same time of that, as a husband, I hold myself to a higher standard, like I'm not out here wilding, and my friends know that I'm not out here wilding, that I take my marriage very seriously.
Speaker 2:So they can rely on the advice that you're gonna give them.
Speaker 1:Because, like I've always said, like I said before and I've always said it's like, I make it a point whenever I'm in a room to let people know, oh, my wife does this, or I'm married, like you gonna know, I'm married. Like when you meet me, I'm gonna tell you don't bring no shit over here.
Speaker 2:I hope that never changes, but we'll see how the next 50 years go.
Speaker 1:With that shoulder popping it. Might I have to get a replacement? My child needs to take care of her because her mama is struggling.
Speaker 2:This is why you never say never. Okay, it is death till you do part. But I mean never say never, guys. The Bible say in sickness and in health, and I had a pop in shoulder.
Speaker 1:I didn't say nothing, but no pop in shoulder, though it's just a sickness and in health A sickness and in health, and it's a nothing but no pop in shoulder Bye, so yeah.
Speaker 2:So I think that's really good and I do think that you need to be more neutral, and I myself am the same way. I do try to see it from both sides because I think we all, like at the basis, we all know and understand that it can never just be one person's fault, like, even if there has been something as egregious as infidelity, right, the person who has been cheated on will usually be the person that I didn't do anything like to deserve this.
Speaker 1:You know what they did.
Speaker 2:But I'm not saying that it's totally their fault, because you also have an accountability to your own actions right the person who cheated. You have an accountability to your own actions regardless. One more time for the people you have an accountability to your actions and your person regardless, and then you preach him Regardless. Now, you're preaching Of what your partner.
Speaker 1:And accountability goes what way?
Speaker 2:Both Okay now you just okay, now it goes both.
Speaker 3:So, if you so shut up.
Speaker 2:So you know, I've had that conversation too. It's like, you know, you're the one who had went out and had an affair. You're the one nobody told you to go out and sleep with such and such and such and such. Okay, I get that and you are. You're totally, you're totally in the right with that. However, when it comes to the dynamics of the relationship, you just just take a step back and always say how have I contributed to this?
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Just, I mean, just say how have I contributed? Don't put the blame on yourself, but try to find where you can hold yourself accountable to any type of disagreement or any type of disconnect that you're having within your marriage. You have to look at yourself too. It's not just because, okay, he went out and did this because he wasn't getting sex. Or he went out and did this because you know he feels like like you know, I'm just out here ignoring him, or whatever. It goes both ways.
Speaker 1:Right, and I will also say that, like you said, I try to look at it from both angles right, from both sides Right. But you know, being a man, I can I better understand and better correlate to the man's feelings because I can see their point of view a lot easier than I can the woman's point of view right, because you're a man.
Speaker 1:So I know in instances I'm like, well, you know what, I understand why you feel that way, but at the end of the day I always say this is a conversation that needs to be had between you and your partner and, honestly, if no one's willing to work on it or willing to better the situation, then moves need to be made, because you never want it to be in a situation. My mentality is all. I never want to get to a situation to where I feel like I have to cheat to have peace. Right, yeah, but how?
Speaker 2:would that even like? Just think about what you just said. How would cheating on your spouse like I feel like we're getting a little off topic, but we'll circle back how does cheating on your spouse create peace and hold on just really quick? No, let me, I gotta, I gotta, ride with this. Okay, ride with me and I say this because we're gonna do an episode on this too the whole concept of men needing peace and what peace means to men. In my opinion okay, and this is my opinion like assholes, everyone has one In my opinion, I think a lot of this peace that men are searching for, or they say that they want, is not something that's so external. That has to do with the level of peace that your woman brings to you, but what about the level of peace that you have within yourself?
Speaker 1:Let me just say this. Let me just say this when men talk about peace, it's more about how the external factors are hindering and impacting the internal factors. Right, and it's. I can only control so much of my internal because my internal is reflecting my external right. But as my woman, when I say, bring me peace, I want you to navigate and negotiate the external things that shouldn't necessarily be awarded my attention. Right? So some things by peace. Peace means a multiple of things.
Speaker 2:Right and I think it's very subjective.
Speaker 1:Hold on, right. But mainly what it means is that you are now taking care of things. You're eliminating worries for me, because, as a man, we're always worrying, right. We're always thinking about is everyone happy? Is everyone situated? Does everyone have what they need, right?
Speaker 1:So part of being the peace like I'm gonna just talk about us, for instance right, part of you being my peace is that I know when I wake up in the morning, I walk out of here to go to work. I'm not worried about my daughter, right, I know that her momma got her. I ain't gotta worry about it. I know we got food. I know I've done my part by putting things in place. There's food in the house, there's money that counts, there's gas in your car. Right, I've given you everything, everything you needed to win the day, right. And you give me peace by providing me the fact that, when I come home, not only has my house been taken care and intended to, my daughter has been taken care and intended to, and the things that I didn't have time to accomplish because I was working and preoccupied, you also took care of that, right. That's part of the peace, right? Another part of the peace is you're not bringing unnecessary worry. To me that is not on the level which I should need to be consumed with at the moment.
Speaker 1:Right, a lot of times, being a woman providing peace, is you taking care of the things that shouldn't even reach my desk? Right? It's thinking of it like it's a business. Right, if you're the owner and I'm the manager? Right, if every time there's a problem I'm coming to you, well, you're gonna look at me like, well, what the hell do I hire you for? Because now I'm doing my job and your job. So that's the correlation to the marriage as the head of the house. If you're bringing me every problem, right? And now I'm like okay, well, I gotta worry about everything in financial. I gotta make sure everything's in place. I gotta make sure everybody's safe. Now I gotta put out these fires too. Well, shit, what am I? Do you want me? What else do you want me to take care of?
Speaker 2:That's also you should be superhero.
Speaker 1:But that's also another dynamic of the peace. Like you said, we'll have another episode about it. Yeah, I was gonna say I feel like we could really delve deep into that, but any who circling back to what we were talking about, but again, if I'm sitting here talking about you to somebody else, you not being my peace, oh my Lord, that's how we're gonna circle back into this.
Speaker 2:Any-.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:But, like I was saying, like, so it's. I think sometimes, as not even, as I'm not gonna say as men, as sometimes as people we hold things in and we tolerate so much because of the person we love, right, that it gets to a point where now we just have to unload on somebody, like it gets but you shouldn't, let it pile up into that point. You shouldn't, right, you shouldn't. But it gets to the point where it's like, if I don't get this off my chest, I'm gonna explode. I'm gonna, because I'm at this point, I'm about to be out of character. Yeah, I'm not. I'm about to not be myself. Yeah, so I have to talk to somebody, right, and I think, as a friend, right, as a good friend, you learn to distinguish between, just like we're being a good partner. Is this a situation to where my partner wants me to respond?
Speaker 2:Right or just?
Speaker 1:listen, or my friend wants me to respond, right, or is this? A situation to where my friend just wants me, my friend or wife, or whatever, or whatever they just need the physical support.
Speaker 2:They need me to listen, so they can just get it off their chest Right.
Speaker 1:Because a lot of times people process things by getting things off their chest.
Speaker 2:By talking through it, like talk therapy.
Speaker 1:Right. So Even I would say, even sometimes, when you're, when you're confiding in someone and you're maybe be talking negative about your spouse, it's things that you are saying, you know, because I personally feel sometimes, like you, they, you say things to a friend or a confident that that may be negative about your spouse, because you would never say those things directly to your spouse. Right, you haven't figured out a way to ward those things so that your spouse isn't hurt by what you said?
Speaker 1:And so that you can explain how you feel because a lot of navigating, a lot, a lot of times Navigating things and in difficult conversations with your spouse. It's about how you say the things so that what you're saying can be hurt. Right, because we as people, you know, if you're not mature enough, that your first thing you're gonna do is.
Speaker 1:Be defensive. And once you're defensive, you're not gonna hear what's being said. So a lot of times I have to express my frustration, right Like I may be upset with you, right I. Now I have to call my brother or call one of my friends, and and and just get it out, get my frustration, and then organize the thought right.
Speaker 1:So that way when I come back to you, I can come back to you with a logical statement, so we have an actual conversation and be adults. Because I know if I step to you on the rah-rah I'm gonna get the rah-rah back.
Speaker 1:And then now definitely now now we're not having a conversation with the fighting. Now we're fighting. Yeah, you know, I'm saying right, and that's why that's the difference between Now. That's not to say that, you know, voices won't be elevated and things won't get tense, because we're gonna have, we're having a conversation about two sides that are passionate about their stance. Yeah, right, so emotions are gonna, are gonna flare, but getting that frustration out allows you to have a Reasonable conversation to where you can still be emotional and get your point across, but not cross the line of disrespect, right, right, because you have to get those negative feelings out of yourself and out of the conversation so that you can move forward right.
Speaker 2:But I think I think the part that I keep that I keep taking from it is the, the people that you're venting to. You have to be very choosy About the people that you're venting to, right. Very choosy if you have one person or, like she said, maybe even two Chances are this this is a person who knows both you and your spouse right and they can distinguish for themselves you being frustrated and having to get, get it off your chest or just Vent a little bit so that you can regroup, reorganize and then go back and have a conversation with your spouse. But I'm talking about the conversations that are happening where you are just downright Dogging your partner and you are being negative about your partner and you're talking just. You're just talking shit about your partner To your friends so that your friends can also see your partner in that light.
Speaker 2:Right, like if you're going to your friends and you're like, oh, he ain't shit, he don't do shit for me, he's you know, he's this, he's that. All he wants to do is just hang with his friends. All he wants to do is play video games. He ain't worked in six months. He don't make no money. We got money problems. The kids don't even like that type of stuff. That is painting him in a very bad picture, but no, because I have to keep my, so but that that goes back to the clip when she was talking about gossiping. That is literally Gossiping, right. So it's like next time I see your husband Now I have this all negative things, right. I'm thinking all negative things, like in my mind. If he says something that rubs me the wrong way in my mind I'm like you ain't none but a piece of shit anyway, like your wife already gave me the On you, you are you're.
Speaker 2:You're a piece of trash, sir, so your opinion is irrelevant.
Speaker 1:It is so uncomfortable knowing something about someone and they don't know.
Speaker 2:You know and they don't know you. Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:And it's so uncomfortable, so uncomfortable, it is so uncomfortable. Especially intimate details right and I was gonna say this if, going back to what you said, like I Would be, like I would look at her like well, why are you even with them?
Speaker 2:Okay, okay.
Speaker 1:Okay, so you're choosing to put yourself in this situation about by your choice.
Speaker 2:Let me touch on that. When I get or have a conversation with someone who has Dogged their partner so bad I am, I'm nine times, 9.8 Times out of 10. I am that friend that will never even talk about the D word. I'm the divorce. I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna encourage you to leave your husband.
Speaker 2:Stop it. I'm not gonna encourage you to leave your husband. I'm not gonna encourage you to walk away from your marriage. I'm not gonna encourage that. I'm gonna encourage you trying to work it out, maybe to see therapists, like maybe you guys need time alone, like I'm usually that, that friend, that person, right, because the last thing you're gonna do is take my advice about leaving your partner, leaving your, your husband or your wife, and then something don't work out. Then you come back and you like. But where it got was that when y'all was telling me to leave them, but any who? What I was saying was is I? When I have those type of conversations and then a friend will say I just want to divorce him, I just why I just I'm just what I'm done. I want to divorce him. Okay, so when we doing that, you brought it up, but don't, don't, don't sit here and and trash talk your partner and never before.
Speaker 2:You're threatening your partner with a divorce to your friend, but then you don't. You know what.
Speaker 1:You're not walking the walk and then, not only that, it's like as the friend, that situation now now, like I said before it, now Now, I'm uncomfortable and I'm uneasy every time I'm in a situation where you both, you go for you're in the same room, right, right, because I always said, in a day I'm your friend, right, they may be your spouse, but I'm your friend, right, so I'm always gonna be in my friend's corner, right, you know regardless because I got your back, regardless whether I agree with what you're doing or not, I got your back.
Speaker 2:I mean, you're my friend, right?
Speaker 1:now I will never the bad mouth my friend, you know, to their spouse, but I would, I'll put them aside, hey, like a dog, like you know. This ain't right. You know I'm saying, but that's a one-on-one conversation I'm have. I'm not gonna put you on blast. Any situation to where it would be, you know, relate to another person, right, but I Didn't. Again, I agree with you. If you're gonna constantly come to me and tell me how things are but you're not doing anything to change it, at some point I get to the point to where I Now I'm questioning you not only. My question to you is now, when you start to complain about something, I'm just gonna turn you out.
Speaker 2:Right, because nothing because, at this point, you're, you're, you know. Have you met people who are addicted to drama and they don't realize that they are? Or people who, if they don't have Something that's like going on, that's wrong in their life, they don't know how to Like that navigate. You know what I mean? It's almost like people who always constantly feel like they have to put out fires, like if I'm not worried about something, I'm not, I'm not going about life. Right, there should be something I'm worried about, like whether it's being unhappy at my job, being unhappy in our relationship, like something has to be going on with them and it's the drama aspect that they're attracted to.
Speaker 2:And most people don't even realize that they're a, they're like, addicted to drama or they have some level of attraction to the drama. That kind of perpetuates this whole story. Right, and I have to, I start recognizing like, oh, it's the drama, like you like having a little bit of drama, not to say that you like the, the Status that your relationships in if you're not having a relationship, but on some form it's like to have something to complain about Gives you power, because then it is somehow you translate it back into All the things that he or she is not doing right. Those are the areas in which you feel like you're you're doing the best.
Speaker 1:I also feel like sometimes, like when you've been in it for so long and becomes part of your identity identity it does right.
Speaker 2:That's why I think that's where the addiction.
Speaker 1:You're so used to complaining about said partner. It's a part of you like it's a part of your, of your character, right like now, like you're part of the routine right, like you're gonna have good days, but the second something slips up. You can't wait to tell somebody about what you know now, when she now she's back on this.
Speaker 2:Or he's are, he's back on the bull shit.
Speaker 1:I'm saying like that that becomes part of it and I also. The goal also says that I also feel like some people don't. I feel like some people just don't know how to be happy, right, I feel like some people need the chaos to feel normal. Yes, that is, that is a real thing and when things are kind of at ease, because I'm guilty of this right, that's how I know it's a real thing. I'm guilty of this when I feel like things are too at ease and things are going too smooth.
Speaker 2:Like what did I miss right?
Speaker 1:I'm always you know the quote one of my favorite shows how much I'm always like where's the poop? Yeah where's the poop?
Speaker 2:Yeah, something about the house like cuz this is done.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like something's not right, too smooth, uh-huh like or like when I pay, when I finish paying the bills and we got, you be like, you be like, wait a minute. Where the poop? Where's the poop? Something wrong.
Speaker 2:So I put money in the savings and there's still extra money something wrong.
Speaker 1:I'm missing something right, and so it. I can understand that, because, as someone who is so used to the other foot always dropping, you're expecting at the most inconvenient time. Yeah, I'm always looking for the other foot to drop.
Speaker 2:But you know, you know that's also an energy right. So I've always, I've always been a firm believer your, your thoughts become reality. As they say, like I'm sure you've heard that before Right, you, you bring about what you thought about you for a long time.
Speaker 2:Listen you bring about what you think about, right. So when you're constantly in that state of the other shoe was gonna drop, you're expecting that, which means you're also Getting out that energy. That energy is bound to come back, right, which and but the thing is is when the energy comes back to you, it's just a re-confirms what you already said. So in your mind you're not thinking that's the energy you put out. You're thinking I knew I was right, I was I knew I was right.
Speaker 2:That's because that's the energy you put out, so that you're bound to get that energy back.
Speaker 1:I will also say this Every time I go out here with the attitude of I'm gonna be positive, I'm gonna try to see the better side of things. That always seem to be the time where everything hits me at once and it always strikes me back or always remind me my members. I forgot who said it, but it's like when you ask God for something or you ask you know the universe whatever it is, whatever you believe in, right? It's most times it's presented to you in a test, right? So if I, if I, if I, if I'm saying no, just help me, be more positive, right?
Speaker 2:Instead of making me positive on the inside I'm gonna say here he's gonna create scenarios which I have to work myself to be positive.
Speaker 1:And it's just like you have to work that as a muscle. I'm gonna say this and this is completely off top, I'm gonna say this, like a couple months ago I said. I said, you know, you know I'm not too spiritual, but I believe in God. But I was like God, just give me more patience to deal with my child. I said I don't know what it is, but my child hits these nerves so quick.
Speaker 2:Oh.
Speaker 1:So, quick.
Speaker 2:I just I said ooh, because I'm reading the parenting math and that's the I'm reading and I listen to it on the podcast and that's a part where she talks about when you say your kid hit a nerve, but it's not them hitting a nerve. What you need to ask yourself is what is it within you?
Speaker 1:right. Okay, whatever the case is right, I could be on three. My child can get me to 10 in a heartbeat, right, and I said I just want more patience with her right and in my mind, you taught you gonna say my son. So in my mind I thought, maybe, you know, my child may behave a little better, which that was not the case she's a child you know, but I do feel like I've been better at it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I've been trying to a change, like certain dynamics of my parenting, but especially these last couple of weeks. Jesus, you ain't got to test me no more.
Speaker 2:But you got a, you got to work up that, you got to work that work the tolerance.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you have to work out the patient and that's you.
Speaker 2:I just had a conversation with a friend today when she called me and she's like been having a really, really tough time both in her marriage, financially. Her and her husband live he lives in a different state, okay. And when I talked to her today she was like I don't know what's going on, sis. She was like I just feel like everything is crumbling down around me. She was like I feel like God is just punishing me and I don't know why he's punishing me. I feel like I'm a good person, I help people, I do this, I do that. And I simply said to her.
Speaker 2:I said you know what, sometimes, when you ask for like strength or things like that, it doesn't come in the form where God is just gonna be like Okay, here, child, I give you strength. He gives you certain Obstacles that you may have to navigate through life to help build that muscle of strength within you, right, so that whatever does come next, you can be like you know what I've been through something like this or worse, and I know how to get through this or he can be presented to you in a Way where all you have left is to depend on him, right, that's it. I really I remember.
Speaker 2:This is off topic, but I remember one instance when we were going through our rough time and the first one after college and I was at my mom's and I remember distinctively, like it was yesterday. I was laying in bed and I was crying and I was just talking go out, like talking to God, and I was just having this Conversation about like I just feel like nothing has like panned out the way I had planned it, like I had everything planned, like I was gonna, you know, finish school. This is the job I was gonna have, this is, you know, I'm. Everything was mapped out. And I remember laying in bed and I had my laptop and I Literally said to myself I said all I have left is this laptop. That's what I said to myself.
Speaker 2:I put the laptop on a TV tray like the you know the trays. I put the laptop on the tray because that's how I used to watch my TV and my movies and stuff. And I went to open the laptop and it wouldn't turn on. My laptop was broken and I had literally just said I was like the only thing I have left is this laptop. And I remember when that laptop didn't turn on and I felt like what I heard God say now, all you have left is me.
Speaker 3:Hmm.
Speaker 2:Like you were. So you were so like you know how I was, especially like in my 20s. I was very determined, like there's a certain life I wanted to live.
Speaker 1:Your picture was in a dictionary. Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:That I there was a certain lifestyle I wanted to live that was so gold-drawn. I have everything written down, like I just knew, like by 22,. I remember I had everything, like by 22, I was going to be doing this, I was going to be doing that, and it's like none of that worked out the way I thought it would, despite my strongest efforts. And in that moment, when that laptop didn't turn on, I literally heard God say now all you have is me, and so now, where do we go from here?
Speaker 1:And a lot of times you know going back. Well, this goes to everything. What really? What it is? It's just a change of outlook and a change of mentality.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's, perspective really.
Speaker 1:So that's really. That's really all it is. And once you realize, like even when I think about you know, going back to topic, you know bad mouth mirror spouse, right, it's about the perspective of it, right? Because I've said this before like I've had people complaining to me about their spouse and I'd be like, well shit, what I got going on ain't bad at all, it's not that bad Right, and I'm going to just go ahead and rock with what I got.
Speaker 1:I'm going to just try to fix what I got and I'm going to just be content and I'm not dealing with that, right, and then you know. And then also like, when it comes to, like you know, my child, sometimes I look at it and I'm like you know what? She is a child, this is her childhood, right, and her brain is not seeing, things is not functioning the way I'm functioning right, my brain is functioning, and I have to understand, I have to realize that from her perspective, everything is okay, right, and it's on me to show her and teacher the right and the wrong, the wrong and things right. So, ultimately, everything within your reality is about how you perceive it. Right.
Speaker 2:Your perception is your reality Right.
Speaker 1:So, if and but also your perception and your reality is also something you can change, right, but that's going to come from, that's going to come from inside. At a certain point, you have to address the problems from within, right, and you have to ask yourself if I have all these concerns or all these complaints about my spouse, why am I tolerating this, right and then? Or what is it about you, right, right, and then. As a man, I also have to ask myself what is it about me as a leader that is allowing and perpetuating this, this type of behavior? Right? What am I not conveying to my spouse to get her to move in the way that I deem best for the family unit? Right? Why can she not see my sense of urgency? Why can't she not see my sense of burden, my sense of direction that I need this family to move in? Right?
Speaker 1:So, a lot of times, as a man, in this situation, I feel like sometimes we need to step back and reevaluate how we are actually leading. Right, if you are leading in your household, right? So a lot of times, it can be as simple as changing the direction of your leadership because, just like with learning right, everyone has a different way of learning, right? Maybe your leadership style is not the most conducive to what you have going on. Maybe you need to try to approach the situation in a different manner, in which things can be done and you can, that can relieve the stress off you and that can provide you with some level of peace. Right? Maybe it's something that you need to change within yourself, to portray or be different. Right?
Speaker 1:Because a lot of times, I personally feel like, if I want the best out of you, I have to give you the best of me. Right, I can't half-ass this relationship but then expect you to be a hundred percent great wife. Right? I can't come in and say, okay, well, you know what? Yeah, I know I said we would do this, but we ain't got money for this. I know I said I would take care of that, but I did this.
Speaker 1:Right, I have to show up every day, give you a hundred and ten percent, not just financially, right, that's the thing. It don't. Financial is where it begins. I still have to be a great partner to you, emotionally, physically. Right, I have to be emotionally supportive to you.
Speaker 1:Right, I have to give it a hundred and ten percent.
Speaker 1:I have to hit my P's and Q's on every level and every dynamic in this relationship.
Speaker 1:And then, once I do that, now as the leader, I can expect you to meet me, because I'm not just asking you to do something that I'm not doing. So if I'm firing on all cylinders and I'm doing everything and I'm being the example, the perfect example, of what I need to be and what I need from you and how I want to lead, I can now come to you and say what's the issue? I'm showing you the blueprint, I'm being the upstanding guy, I'm getting updated in the day out and doing what is necessary, what is required and more, not only to better the life, but not only to better our life, but to better this family and to better the dynamic of this family, right, and I'm taking these things off your plate, but in return, you're not doing what I need you to do in order to keep me in this headspace, right? So that perspective a lot of times, if you change your perspective and be the best person you can be you know what I'm saying that will then I think that would then Like taking your accountability Right.
Speaker 1:You take your accountability, then that would then add more validity to your complaint.
Speaker 2:Well, not only that, I think, when you start taking more accountability and you start looking inward instead of looking outward, the complaints kind of stop because you're focusing on yourself. So then, therefore, your partner, without having to hear you complain a nag about it, your partner can just see the action. And then your partner will say you know what he does all this, or he's making an effort to do all this. The least I can do is step my game up and make sure this happens. But that's because, like it's like the old saying, action speak a lot of the words. The more you complain, the little get like put down on your partner or anybody. It doesn't have the effect that you think it does where. You're like okay, if I keep telling her she fat, she gonna want to lose weight, that's not it, that's not how that's gonna happen. But if you showcase, through action, dedication, you're not holding any grudges, you're being encouraged, like things like that, then your partner can be like you know what?
Speaker 1:Let me try to do something, Because my mentality now is that if I am 100% stand up and I'm doing everything you need that needs to be done, plus more right, you could be the perfect husband for you and whatever that looks like for you, and you're not reciprocating. I believe I'm saying this for you, I'm not saying all for women. I believe I have the type of woman that would be like, well, what's shit? I understand why he's doing what he's doing. I understand why he said what he said. Look what my husband is doing. I have been dropping the ball. I believe that I have that wife Now. I know a lot of people that don't have that wife. They be like, oh, that's great that he's doing that, but I'm not gonna change what I'm doing because he's accepted it for so long?
Speaker 2:Well, because it's become part of our norm. And then you complaining about the inaction of me also is a part of our norm, so therefore it doesn't motivate me to want to do anything different.
Speaker 1:And then that's why I also say when that's where the accountability comes from. That's where accountability comes from. And I also say when you're in a situation like that and you want your marriage to work, you need to change your leadership style.
Speaker 2:Well, and I think I learned something a while back and it was talking. I can't remember what I think. Who was that list? I can't remember what I was listening to, but it was basically like the mirror effect, right, the things that you see as negative in people. You're only able to read those or be able to recognize them because on some level it's within you. You recognize what you see or what subconsciously you try to ignore. So whatever issue you have within your partner, subconsciously that's also an issue or a problem within yourself.
Speaker 2:And that's why, when we talk about accountability even if you feel or think that you have no part to play in why your relationship is the way it is or why you're sitting there gossiping or bad mouthing your partner, you owe it to your relationship to take some form of accountability and look within yourself, because there is also something within you that you're not happy with, you're not satisfied with, you're disappointed with, you're discouraged about, and you're unknowingly projecting that onto your partner and making it just their issue and how their issue is impacting your life, and that's not how it always is Granted.
Speaker 2:Could there be some validity to that? In some cases, absolutely, but it doesn't negate the fact that there's always his side, your side, and there's the truth, and each of you owe it to your relationship to take self-accountability and self-inventory to ensure that, whatever it is that you have disassociated with mentally or psychologically, emotionally, whatever traumas you have experienced that you may not even know or knew were there, but you're able to see them in your partner as something that's negative or something egregious and something you don't like, and that's because you're able to recognize it, because on some level it's within you.
Speaker 1:So you got to ask yourself what's keeping me here? And then also, what is it in this person that I see in myself?
Speaker 2:Right, that's it.
Speaker 2:You are seeing yourself in that person, but you have to be outside of yourself to perceive that that's where maturity and awareness comes from, and most people are not mature enough or aware enough to recognize that the things that they are picking apart about their partner that they also themselves struggle with. If he is bad at time management, he could very well be bad at time management, but that also says okay. Well, what is it about you, about that situation that's drawing that out? What's being mirrored back at you? Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 1:And just at the end of the day we say this often and we say it a lot, and it's true Everything starts from within, and I feel like any situation that you're not happy with, you have to look at yourself first, right.
Speaker 2:And hold your own accountability.
Speaker 1:You have to ask yourself what am I doing to contribute to this situation?
Speaker 2:And if I'm not happy, okay, let's sit down and have that conversation Like I'm not.
Speaker 2:I'm not, I won't even say happy because you're not, you're not going to be, or you weren't even meant to be, happy every single day.
Speaker 2:But if you are not satisfied with the condition and the state that your relationship is in, it is both of you's responsibility to ensure that you take accountability, both individually, and then game plan about how we get out of this. And before you go to your friends and bash bash your partner and just gossip about what what a shitty partner they are, go to someone that is neutral, that knows the both of you, somebody that you can confide in, somebody who's not going to be just a pleaser to confirm your feelings about your spouse, but give you an overall objective view about the situation or whatever it is you're complaining about. And then you can go back and reorganize and, like you said earlier, then you'll be better equipped to go to your partner and have a sensible conversation. That still may be like a heated disagreement or a heated argument, but at least it can be on a better grounds where you guys could try to hear each other.
Speaker 1:And then you can begin with a clear level mind. You don't want to come in and start the conversation when you're already on 10. Because now it's going to be harder for you to convey exactly what you mean, because now you have too much of feelings and emotions into what you're saying. You're not making the logical statements, you're allowing emotion. You're allowing emotion to navigate the conversation, and then that's where you have the trip up.
Speaker 2:Yep, that was a good convo babe, that was really good.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he preaching today.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, but it's one of those things. I feel like everyone at some point has had some level of that. And just going back to the confines of marriage and the secrecy of marriage is like why would you want to go out and create this picture of your spouse that is just so negative, so ran down? They give people the permission to have an opinion about your relationship and about your partner and then, the minute they want to say something or have an opinion about it, now you know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Especially when you are the reflection of me, right? Right? So if I have nothing but negative things to say about you, right? That means that you must have negative things to say about me, right? Because we are, just like you said before, we are mirroring each other, right? So that's why you need to focus on your mirror and not focus on mine.
Speaker 2:Look at you. You're so cute. I just wanted to do this.
Speaker 1:I'm not I love you. I'm married.
Speaker 2:Okay, guys. So, with that being said, we're just going to jump right into our two cents. Okay, I feel like there should be like a transition, like maybe we can like find like a transition, like a clap or something to go into it. I don't know, I just feel like in my head I heard that, okay, let's just hop right into it, into our two cents. Okay, this one talks about let's see, I caught my wife complaining about me to her friends, so it's very on topic.
Speaker 1:All right here we go, she in the room.
Speaker 2:I oversaw a message on her phone when she was texting in which she said she was quote, unquote, so done with me and said that I was extremely insecure. I confronted her about it and said I felt betrayed. She apologized and promised to never talk badly about me to her friends again. Following the incident, she changed the password on her phone and started taking it with her everywhere she went. I suspected she was still talking badly about me to her friends again, so I decided to trick her.
Speaker 2:I said that I had read what she was saying about me on our cell phone account online, which I couldn't. She looked like she had seen a ghost. I told her that I saw what she had been saying about me, about her friends, and she admitted it. I told her that I couldn't really read all of the messages and that I was very hurt by her behavior. I have real trust issues now because she still talks to those same friends and is very secretive with her phone. I can't forgive her and I feel shame every time I see her, every time I see these friends of hers. What should I do?
Speaker 1:I don't know.
Speaker 2:Right, because it's like we said earlier it's so uncomfortable when you know something about a friend's partner that you know they don't know about you. But now that he knows that she's been saying crap about him to her friends and he knows that he's probably had vulnerable moments with his wife and have said things to his wife not knowing how she has, interpreted it, so how much about me do they know? Right, so that's what I'm saying. So now is he in a position where he should confront the friends and ask the friends.
Speaker 1:I mean he's already in a mental relationship with all of them. He's already in a mental relationship with all of them. They know more about him than they should ever know, right? Yeah, and granted, I understand the wife standpoint of I have these issues with my husband. I need to confide with somebody else, right. But like again, like we were saying, has she even addressed these issues with him? Right, because it clearly is. He stated, I understand, that he's insecure. They have insecurities, so his wife knows right. So this goes back to earlier when I was saying like he was vulnerable enough with his wife to state to tell her about his insecurities, right, and now it got to the point where his insecurities have weighed on her so much that she has to, she has to relate that to somebody else. That ain't cool.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, so here's another one. This one is advice when your spouse gives you the silent treatment.
Speaker 1:Oh, I just played call of duty.
Speaker 2:My husband gives me the silent treatment when we have any kind of conflict, and it's usually when he disagrees with me or gets mad at me or I'm upset about a situation. We've been together for 13 years and it's always been like this. With any kind of conflict, you usually, after the fourth or fifth day of the silent treatment, I'm just begging him to talk to me and I know this is awful, but 80% of For a fifth day.
Speaker 2:And I know this is awful, but 80% of the time it's because I tell him I'm just done with this, then he'll talk to me. We did separate last year for about five months. I told him I just couldn't handle this anymore and I was struggling with myself, but that's another story. So whenever we got back together, whenever we would have a conflict, he was shut down for a couple of hours and come back and talk to me. But now, after months, it's going back to the silent treatment. We're on day four of him giving me the silent treatment and I don't know what to do anymore. We have three kids and two of them are girls and I'm just worried that I'm setting an example for the girls that it's okay to receive a silent treatment from their spouses. I guess what I'm asking is spouses who give the silent treatment. What can I do to help him stop? Hold on.
Speaker 1:I gotta say Hold on.
Speaker 2:I wanna say this because did we not have an issue like this once before?
Speaker 3:I don't know what was the issue.
Speaker 2:You tried to give me the silent treatment.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay, I don't remember this one.
Speaker 2:Okay, you don't remember when I told you you got no more times to give me the silent treatment. You don't remember that? No, okay, well, I do. I remember it very vividly, I still give you silent treatment.
Speaker 1:No, no, that's five days in a row.
Speaker 2:No, you don't give me silent treatment like that. So it's not that he doesn't talk to me at all, like I know, when he's just being short, like he'll answer questions, he'll ask questions, but he will have like he'll have a moment where he won't.
Speaker 1:No, I don't even ask you questions.
Speaker 2:Where he just tries not to interact with me or I know he's avoiding interacting with me, or like he'll walk past me and he doesn't like slap my butt or something Like I know, when you're like giving the silent treatment and I remember one time this was probably like a year or two ago I had told you in the kitchen. I said you have zero times to give me the silent treatment. One more time Did it work. It did because you haven't behaved that way since.
Speaker 1:Well, you've been behaving better.
Speaker 2:Goodbye, goodbye, say what you was gonna say, because I'm not doing this with you.
Speaker 1:I will say this One, I don't think you have anything to worry about with your daughters dealing with the silent treatment. I would disagree, right? I also would say from the man's perspective he's probably he's trying to. Part of it is he's angry and he doesn't wanna talk to you. When he's angry because he doesn't wanna say anything out of pocket or say something he doesn't mean Say could be Right, right could be. And another part of it is it's just, it's his way I don't wanna say necessarily his way of getting back at you for what's going on, but it could just, it could just be his way of processing.
Speaker 2:And get back. Yeah, Okay, go ahead.
Speaker 1:I guess she got the answer.
Speaker 2:No, I'm just saying it could be.
Speaker 1:You ain't got the answer, Swae.
Speaker 2:Okay, but that's a real thing too, with people shutting down, like maybe also like the disagreement and the conflict that you guys have. You're so strong in the conviction of what it ever is. The conflict is that it overpowers, like his thought and reason, that he just shuts down because he literally doesn't have anything to say.
Speaker 1:And have you ever thought about the maybe? Just maybe, like you said, he's shutting down because that's the only way he knows how to deal with the situation.
Speaker 2:Right To deal with conflict right.
Speaker 1:And he may shut down, and it may take him a couple of days, before he even revisits the conversation, to formulate how he actually feels and how to actually address what was said or what happened.
Speaker 2:That could be some type of trauma response that he's had since a child. It could be, so that's why I said, when you said it, it's probably not impacting the children. That's why I said no, it actually could be impacting the children, because this is the example that's being said.
Speaker 1:Kids can feel tension. I would much rather have my daughter see me give you the silent treatment, then beat me, then to put my hands on you right, or to cheat on you.
Speaker 2:So if I I feel like it's another form of abuse, but whatever.
Speaker 1:If I go a couple of days without talking to you to keep the peace. I think that's just a form of abuse. Okay, gil, that's just my. That's my two cents.
Speaker 2:That's his two cents. I love you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay, I love that sweater you got on. Thank you, I'm gonna take it off later.
Speaker 2:Anywho, if you haven't already, if you're not already following us on social media, you can follow us at Life After I Do podcast on Facebook. You can follow us at Life After I Do podcast on YouTube. Life After I Do podcast on TikTok.
Speaker 1:And Instagram.
Speaker 2:And Instagram Like, leave us a comment, tell your friends, tell your family, follow. If you have any questions or topics that you want to hear our opinion on, you can always reach out to us at Life After I Do podcast at gmailcom. We'll be more than happy to listen to what you gotta say, but until then, we will talk to you all next week.
Speaker 1:Happy New Year. Happy New Year In the comments.
Speaker 2:Yes, at my birthday, January 3rd. So yeah, but happy New Year and, if you know, and Merry Christmas, because we can see y'all on Christmas.
Speaker 1:Happy, happy mama year. Put some respect to mama man.
Speaker 2:All right, guys. This has been another episode of Life After I Do podcast and we will check in with you guys next week. Peace, peace keys. Holyールcom, 구제가예 muita. Thanks for watching, guys.