This week, we delve into the serious consequences of financial ignorance, exploring the shadows of financial infidelity
This week, we delve into the serious consequences of financial ignorance, exploring the shadows of financial infidelity
We literally, I literally just sent this to you. What yesterday or day before yesterday, when I was like, uh, we were just joking around and you were like you know exactly where all the money goes. And I and I, what did I say? I made a joke and I said you could tell me anything about what's going on with the money. I wouldn't know. You know, even though I try to be as involved as possible, I have also taken on a little bit of like it's. It's not my area to be concerned with, so I don't really you know what I'm saying. Like, I know when the money comes in, I can see my bills are paid. Hey, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of life. After I do. I am your host, Nisha G, and I'm here with my lovely husband.
Speaker 2:Yo what.
Speaker 1:My lovely husband.
Speaker 2:Yeah, husband. So let them, let them, let them uh people in your DM know that you got a husband. Oh my gosh, it's your boy, molito.
Speaker 1:I tell you about one DM and you're crazy. How are you babe?
Speaker 2:Going crazy. You was going crazy.
Speaker 1:How are you?
Speaker 2:I'm good, how are you? I'm good, how was your reach? I was not going crazy over no damn DM.
Speaker 1:How was your week?
Speaker 2:My week was good, babe. How was yours?
Speaker 1:My week was eventful.
Speaker 2:Eventful yeah.
Speaker 1:What events did you fulfill my well? First and foremost, I'm sitting up here with a swollen face.
Speaker 2:My bad, I didn't mean to hit you that hard.
Speaker 1:Goodbye. I had to get my wisdom tooth pulled, so Everybody, everybody can't be born with a perfect teeth. Okay, you weren't born with perfect teeth. You were just so happy to be fortunate enough that your wisdom teeth grew in straight. Okay, it's not it's not considered perfect teeth, but like looking at myself on on playback right now, I didn't realize how swollen my jaw was and how lopsided it makes my face look you look like I smack your.
Speaker 1:And it looks like I have like a gauze or something in my cheek, which is crazy because last month, Okay. So I've been on the journey of having all my wisdom teeth pulled so that I can prepare to get braces right, Cause it would just wouldn't make sense to get braces and still have wisdom teeth that are causing bunching in my teeth. So any who? Um, I I started. What was it last month? Yeah, Last month I got two wisdom teeth pulled at the same time, Literally three. No, I got, I got three total because I got one done. I got one done like four years ago. You couldn't suck it up.
Speaker 1:Then, um, no, that's not what happened. What happened was is that my tolerance is so high that he, uh, hit the max on what he could give me for the numbing and the novocaine or whatever. So he couldn't do the other side legally. So, um, when I first, when I got the two taken out last month, I got the one on, they were on the right side, the upper right, the lower right, and I got those taken out. But because, you know, like I said, I have a high tolerance, so I hit my max on what I could get for the numbing. So, by law, you know, as stated by the dentist, like he said, by law, I cannot physically give you more numbing because you have hit the max, you know.
Speaker 1:So we had to reschedule for me to come back, and so I went back and, um, he got the last one out, which is my lower left and it was. It was probably like the easier one to come out, but because it was also the one that laid the flattest and it was crooked, he had to basically cut it in half and he took it out in in pieces, like in sections, you know. And so I don't know if, because I had to do like the drilling and all that. And then I ended up getting stitches on this side, because when I got the other two taken out, you remember, I didn't have to take no pain meds, like no nothing, I just took my antibiotics for the days I had to take my antibiotics and take pain meds.
Speaker 2:You just walked right here and very irritated for a couple of days.
Speaker 1:Okay, but I wasn't. It wasn't intolerable, like I didn't. I didn't feel like there was, it was necessary to take pain meds and stop it. Anyway, when I got this one taken out though, once the numbing and stuff were off, like once I started getting the filling back in my lip he came home from work and he was like you okay? And I was like I am not, I am absolutely not okay, like I was in pain and I was like what in the like? Literally it just kept. It kept creeping up on me.
Speaker 1:By the time I came from downstairs to upstairs, like I was already feeling it and I got to the bed and I'm like setting up my nightstand and stuff, and then it just started, like it just came out of nowhere, it's nowhere, and I was like I kept telling myself just breathe through it, just breathe through it, I'll get through it, it's fine, cause I didn't want to take any pain meds.
Speaker 1:I was like it's okay, it's okay, but it got to the point where I had to take, I had to take some pain meds and I don't know, like I said, I don't know if it's because of the drilling, the cutting that he had to do, cause I also feel like I wasn't this swollen before. I also didn't feel like I have a big knot on my chin or on my job, but like, even when I feel it, it feels like. It feels like there's a knot there, but everything looks good in the inside. So he told me to be on the lookout, you know, for stuff, for, like you know besides that, how was the rest of the week?
Speaker 1:The rest of my week was pretty routine.
Speaker 2:Everything you know with baby girl it should have been more routine, because I got dumped this week. What do?
Speaker 1:you mean, you got dumped?
Speaker 2:My daughter's dumped me.
Speaker 1:Why Cause she?
Speaker 2:told you.
Speaker 1:Why? Because of what she said.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:So what was this Wednesday? I got?
Speaker 2:dumped, I think it was Wednesday. She was like I told her keep that same energy when she wants something.
Speaker 1:She. She comes to me and she's like she was taking her sweet time getting dressed for school. This is part of the routine in the morning. So she comes in to apologize and she's like I'm sorry. And I was like it's okay, it's fine. And then she's like mom, can I talk to you? And I was like yes, what do you need to talk about? And she was like it's just that, it's just that I just want to be with you all the time. And I was like okay, like that's why I love being with you too, phoenix. And she was like but you always want to be with my dad and I just want to be with you, but you always want to be with him.
Speaker 2:I guess I'm. I guess it was about it.
Speaker 1:I was like Phoenix, like he's my husband, so we get in the car and I'm driving her to school and she talks to my mom every morning on the way to school and so she she's telling my mom the same thing. And she was like I just want to be with my mom, I just want my mom all the time, but all she wants to do is be with my dad. And so my mom was like well, phoenix, they are married. And she was like and your mom's been with your dad a long time. And she was like I know he already married.
Speaker 2:She don't want me, she don't want to live my best life.
Speaker 1:What are you talking?
Speaker 2:about. My question is what are you telling her while I'm at work?
Speaker 1:I'm not telling her why are you turning my child against me. I'm not turning it against you when she's with you. Why are you turning my child against me? When she's with you, I don't exist. Yes, that's how she is Like you can leave right now.
Speaker 2:She'll come to us here. The first thing on her mouseby where's mom?
Speaker 1:Well, of course she wants to know where mom. I'm the default parent Like what do you expect?
Speaker 2:You're going back to work, goodbye.
Speaker 1:But anywho, yeah so, but other than that, you know, the week was pretty routine. There was some drama at gymnastics because we're going through a little bit of a coaching transition.
Speaker 2:So they going through it because they about to stop getting my damn money.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so they're going through a bit of a coaching transition, but there's been we're looking for a new gym there's been a little bit of a lack of communication, so that's what's kind of got everybody a little upset, a little on edge. But you know, I have confidence that they're going to resolve it and once it gets resolved, I think everything will be fine. I doubt it, everything will be okay. But other than that, yes, everything was. My great week was good, it was pretty routine. Yeah, that's nothing too spectacular, nothing too spectacular. So, yeah, yeah, all right, well, let's jump right into it.
Speaker 2:My week was good Bye.
Speaker 1:So this topic actually was a topic that was brought to us by one of our followers, listeners, and they made a suggestion that they would like to hear this as a topic, and so I thought we would touch briefly on it and then give our two cents about the whole thing. But it's about financial infidelity.
Speaker 2:I don't understand. You're going to have to explain this to me Okay. So Does this mean that I'm working, but I'm giving I'm handing-.
Speaker 1:Well, you know what infidelity is right Like if-.
Speaker 2:I'm handing some ladies some money on the side that you don't know about.
Speaker 1:Okay, so what is financial infidelity? Financial infidelity occurs when one partner hides or misrepresent financial information from the other partner.
Speaker 2:I have money from you all the time. Okay, so it could be I don't think hiding money is infidelity, because I'm not I'm hiding it, but it's for a purpose, it's for something else down the line.
Speaker 1:Okay, but that's almost like keeping secrets.
Speaker 2:I have secrets from you.
Speaker 1:Okay. Do you have secrets that could directly impact me in a negative way?
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:Okay, like, but that's financial infidelity, like if you were committing financial infidelity and you were doing something with our finances that could directly affect me, in the event that it was a rhyme-, that would be when our finances directly affect you Right, but what I'm saying, like it could negatively, like really impact me.
Speaker 1:That and you're purposely keeping it from me because you know that I may give a reaction that you're either not comfortable with or you know I'm going to be upset about, and so you're intentionally withholding that information from me. That's financial infidelity. Like if you went off and eft off all of our savings and emptied out your 401K and did all of these things all day. Like if you eft over all of our investments money that I am depending on having when you know later in life and I'm sitting here thinking like, oh no, I'm set, like I'm good, and then come to find out that I'm that my life has been blown up financially. So that's infidelity.
Speaker 2:That's financial infidelity.
Speaker 1:Excuse me. Excuse me First of all. First of all, when I do play Blackjack, okay, so now you got me sitting up here sounding like I have a problem, because I have to sit here and explain you do have a problem. I do not appreciate that. Let's start there. You always on a bounce back.
Speaker 2:Okay, so listen you always on a bounce back.
Speaker 1:First of all, I don't gamble on a regular basis. Okay, I gamble when we go to Vegas, which is like maybe once or twice a year. And then when we go, you are such a hawk over me and because I also don't like losing money, I do not sit there and spend like hundreds of dollars at the Blackjack table.
Speaker 2:But I have to.
Speaker 1:I will take out like $40 or $60. And it's like, once I'm done with that, like I'm Gucci, I'm not going to give a casino all my money.
Speaker 2:Stop the gamble. Demel, stop the gamble.
Speaker 1:Demel, don't sit up here and lie to these people and try to make it seem like I have a gambling problem.
Speaker 2:I didn't say you had a problem. You don't have a problem because I nipped it in the butt.
Speaker 1:No, I don't have a problem, because I don't have a problem. It has nothing to do with you nipping anything in the butt.
Speaker 2:Babe okay.
Speaker 1:Why do I don't understand why you, why it's your main goal to get on social and like lie. I'm lying, like I don't think, I don't know, like what.
Speaker 2:What's my line about Demel? Hold on, let me ask you this question Over the summer how many times do you go to the casino Over the?
Speaker 1:summer? Yeah, how many times do you go into the casino over the summer, you don't? Oh, I went to the casino one time when you're twice when your mom was here and I went because your mom wanted to go. Just twice, I took your mom to the casino. I didn't go to the casino Just twice, yes, when your mom was here. And, fyi, every time I took your mom to the casino, she gave me money to gamble. I never even spent my money and it was you who was like when I came back home and I was like babe, I'm up $60 and it was pure profit because I didn't even gamble with my own money. Yeah, you wasn't saying that when you was trying to spend it.
Speaker 2:But did you enjoy gambling?
Speaker 1:I enjoy it. When I can play and win, I don't think that's a problem. Okay, demel, you gonna cut it out. Anywho. See, is he how? He gets me like off track riled up because he sits here and he caps like about something Every week. It's something with this man. I did cap you enjoy gambling. Every week. It's something you enjoy gambling. Good bye, Anywho. So, like I was saying, I was trying to explain financial infidelity to you because you got so turned up.
Speaker 2:I couldn't really bumper in here with yours.
Speaker 1:Now you're gaslighting me.
Speaker 2:How am I gaslighting you?
Speaker 1:I just, I don't, I just question if I like decisions. I'm just trying to have a conversation with you, okay, babe? Anyway, do you understand what I mean by financial?
Speaker 2:infidelity when you hide money and you doing some shady shit with it.
Speaker 1:Okay, well, it doesn't necessarily, it doesn't necessarily have to be hiding money, okay, I mean, I guess it can be something like like okay, for prime example, I remember when, years ago, when I used to work at Starbucks, one of my managers, my shift leads, she had recently gotten married, right and almost got immediately annulled because she failed to disclose and this is not, I mean, you know, because they weren't even married at the time, but these are conversations that you normally would have prior going into marriage, you know, and when they had the conversation, she wasn't fully transparent until after they were married, because she thought like once once we're married, you know he's not gonna.
Speaker 1:I would doubt he would just walk away and leave. But any who she was like, she was like 50 or 60,000 something crazy like that in credit card debt, credit cards and personal loans, and so when they got married and they tried to come together financially and he wanted to like manage their money, manage investments, stuff like that, you know, like trying to be the leader of their marriage, and came to find out that she had racked up so much in credit card and, as far as I knew, after that, because he didn't, he didn't walk away. She said that they had to talk about getting annulled. Getting an annulment because he was like like this is too much, especially when he wasn't coming into the relationship with all that. So now that kind of like begs me questions. So let me ask you your opinion.
Speaker 1:Okay, so if you were, if you were not married to me, and you were interested in marrying, you know, the girl that was in your dreams the other night, we'll get to that. If you were interested in marrying the girl that you were dating in your dreams the night before last and after you married her, she disclosed to you once you tried to, you know, dig deeper into you guys's finances to build a future. She disclosed to you that she also had, let's just say, $80,000 worth of just consumer debt. I'm talking credit cards, personal loans, stuff like that. Pulling out of her the tax and penalties for pulling out of her 401k like no.
Speaker 2:I'm dying.
Speaker 1:Oh, wow.
Speaker 2:That's gonna be charging.
Speaker 1:That was. That was his phone, Sorry. So how would you handle that? Would you? Is that a deal breaker for you, even after you're married, Like you married her? Then she said hey, babe, I'm 80K in the whole consumer debt. What is your next move? How do you feel and what does that conversation look like?
Speaker 2:I would say, like the great sugar, free on where it came.
Speaker 1:Never a dull moment with this guy. Seriously, babe, seriously, what would be the conversation? That'd be a deal, berger. I couldn't do it. I'm talking about you guys spent 20,000 on the wedding and you're looking forward to the Because I'm having this conversation before then. Okay, but that's what I'm saying. They had the conversation she just did fully disclose.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm having this conversation.
Speaker 1:I think the conversation was more like okay, talk to me about your financial standing, and it was probably something along the lines of I have a little bit of savings, or I have. I do have a 401K where I work. I've been on my job this long, I make this much a week, but never it was a situation like okay, well, let me see your finances, or what's your credit score like, what's your spending habits like?
Speaker 2:Because I would say, if she's that much in debt, she has a spending problem. Yeah, she has a spending problem, and to me it's like that's. I'd be like even if I made enough to circumvent the debt. She still has habits she has to be willing to change. So, like does the conversation has to be are you willing to change these habits? Because if not, then this is not going to work.
Speaker 1:True. Would you feel comfortable enough combining your finances at that?
Speaker 2:point no, absolutely not, absolutely not.
Speaker 1:So no joint bank account no, no, no, she has her own address, absolutely not, and you know my stance on that.
Speaker 2:I feel like we're married, we're together. It should be one pot. But in that situation I'd be like nah, because I can't risk the chance of you just blowing money, because you've never seen a bank account with a balance like this Right, or not even so much the balance but it's just the access.
Speaker 1:Like you know what, if you come in and you have a great credit score, so now you have access, you know more. And then she comes in and it's not. She's trying to go on my platinum Right, and so now she's trying to like.
Speaker 1:Right, okay. So then how do we rectify the situation? If you're now her new husband who knows that she has ADK worth of $1,000,000, then you know that she has ADK worth of debt. How do you tackle that, and do you feel like it's your responsibility to also help her dig herself out of this hole? I mean it's not necessary, Just think about the commitment you just made.
Speaker 2:It's not necessary my responsibility, but now she's attached to me, so now her debt is going to be my debt.
Speaker 1:So then does that still not make it your?
Speaker 2:responsibility. Well, I mean, I guess.
Speaker 1:Even though it was debt that was accumulated prior to marriage.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I guess you can say that. So what I would do or what I would say is it depends on the financial situation we're in. It depends on how much free money we got going on Disposable income. Disposable income we got going on Because, if not, like you know me, this happened before you lit me, so you can go ahead and file bankruptcy, my credit score won't be curious.
Speaker 1:Okay, but you do realize that's not how that works. It doesn't work like that. You can separate them, yeah, you can separate them, but you have to file what is it called? It's called.
Speaker 2:Spouse, we can get an omen. We can get an omen real quick oh so that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:So you would go ahead and just be like.
Speaker 2:We'll go ahead and separate them.
Speaker 1:We can still be together, but we just won't be together on paper.
Speaker 2:When you get this fixed, you come back through the omen. Okay, that's one way.
Speaker 1:Okay, but what does it look like for you as a man? Walk me through an actual game plan of what that would look like. That looked like you sitting her down at the table. You guys got all the papers out on the table, you're with the calculator and going through what a fine two comb exactly where the number is. And then what's the game plan, are you? Putting her on a budget? Are you taking away all her credit cards? Are you giving her an allowance every week?
Speaker 2:At this point she's going to have an allowance.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean because that's what I would be thinking in my head, Like when I read.
Speaker 2:Take your $25 and make it work.
Speaker 1:boo it's $25, my G.
Speaker 2:Starbucks. That's it. That's all you need. There's food at home.
Speaker 1:My thing would be I would tell her you know all the times that you didn't spend what you didn't have, right, that $80,000?.
Speaker 2:It's gone.
Speaker 1:You should have enjoyed it.
Speaker 2:Because I'm taking some came home to Rooster.
Speaker 1:Because wait a minute, there was a little snippet of Dave Ramsey that I had saw and a lady had called in and she said that between her and her husband they were like 330,000 in debt or whatever. And Dave Ramsey was like he said well, just get ready, because I'm about to turn your world upside down. He said you're not going to know what the inside of a restaurant looks like for the next five years. He was like I don't want to hear nothing about no Starbucks, no restaurants, no. He said the only time you should be going into a restaurant is if you're being a waitress there to earn extra money. He was like but I'm getting ready to turn your life upside down because that's how bad the situation was. So when we hear about things like financial infidelity, I don't think a lot of people really talk about it. Until it was really brought to my attention, I didn't think that.
Speaker 2:Well no, I hear about how money's managed and how many accounts and stuff like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but not to the extent where you have somebody or you have a partner who's either racking up a significant amount of debt and I'm not talking like jointly, I'm talking about one person racking up debt behind the partner's back. You know what I mean. That would be like if I went and opened up a credit card without you knowing and I'm just racking that credit card up and I'm not making the payments on it and you don't know that I have the credit card and I'm just like you would feel some type of way if you were so happy to get a statement in the mail one day and see that I had a credit card that I've completely maxed out. You'd be like what in the world did you do? Right?
Speaker 2:But I also live by the. It's always better to ask for forgiveness and permission.
Speaker 1:Babe, seriously, seriously, and that applies in some cases. Okay, no, no, no, no, you just be careful what you say, because you just given me your old playbook. So now that I know I could still have a husband after going opening up some credit cards and racking them up and I'm going to say it was better to ask for forgiveness, their permission.
Speaker 2:But you also know that you got your husband that will look at you then your face and say I'm not paying, that you would leave me out on the ledge. You know, I won't be buying.
Speaker 1:Wow, you said you cared about me, though you still gonna be taking care of that's wild.
Speaker 2:I got a couple minutes ago. My credit score will hold us up.
Speaker 1:I got you Goodbye, Um, so yeah. So I think I think one of the biggest things that is probably not talked about when it comes to financial infidelity is like it's like the betrayal, it's like a betrayal of trust, right? So take our situation, for instance, me being a Also what situation are you talking about?
Speaker 1:No, I'm just talking about, like our dynamic Me being a stay at home parent, like I rely on you right Financially, and I have trust, like I have thrown all my trust that you are doing what needs to be done when it comes to our money, right, I'm trusting that you have a game plan for our future as we get older. I'm trusting that you have managed our money to a way that it benefits us and that it sets us up in a way that we can live and be comfortable. And you know what I'm saying Like get through life with and like I told you, we literally, I literally just said this to you yesterday or day before yesterday, when I was like we were just joking around and you were like you know exactly where all the money goes and I, what did I say? I made a joke and I said you could tell me anything about what's going on with the money? I wouldn't know.
Speaker 1:You know, even though I try to be as involved as possible, I have also taken on a little bit of like it's not my area to be concerned with, so I don't really you know what I'm saying. Like I know when the money comes in, I can see my bills are paid. I can see that. You know I have access to money. I can see that I can go do the things that I need to do for the house. I can. You know what I mean. But I don't know if you have a whole another bank account and you're splitting your paycheck three ways and you know you're putting a little bit money back to the side. Give me ideas, goodbye, you know. But also it also made me think about it, made me think about myself and I was like did I commit a little bit of financial infidelity back in the day?
Speaker 2:By your definitions all the time.
Speaker 1:Back in the day when I had, like you knew that I had another bank account, but you didn't know that I had changed my paycheck to 80, like the deposit of my paycheck to 80, 20. So then I was kind of like, well, was that kind of financial infidelity Cause to me? I wasn't thinking about it that way. I was kind of thinking about it in the terms of like you don't have to be concerned, or like with my, you know my old Navy habit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you was in your Instagram, baddie bag.
Speaker 1:Instagram wasn't even around then.
Speaker 2:No, whatever it is.
Speaker 1:I don't even know what to do with anything. I don't know.
Speaker 2:You know you was hiding, but any who no, no, no, let that have been reversed. What?
Speaker 1:Let me. But you knew I've never had a bank account. You didn't know about True true or false. No, that's true, True okay, I've never had a bank account and then you will stay. You will stay, but I don't know what's in the bank account. But I've always been willing to show you what's in my bank account, I know what's in there, and you always had access to my money. And you've always had access to my money.
Speaker 2:I don't, I can't go to Altura right now and get your money out to Altura account.
Speaker 1:I mean, okay, well, it's just craft money Like.
Speaker 2:Money is money.
Speaker 1:Okay, but any who Any?
Speaker 2:who? It's just this, it's just that she probably she over there sitting on.
Speaker 1:He always imagines that I'm sitting. He always says, like you probably got thousands of dollars in that account, I do not have thousands of dollars in that account.
Speaker 2:This is the same one it is.
Speaker 1:It is literally an account for my craft stuff.
Speaker 2:You are the same woman that when we decided to buy a house. How much money did you have in your account over there?
Speaker 1:Over where.
Speaker 2:With your little secret account. I don't remember how much. It was years ago, okay, I don't remember Years ago. I'm gonna just let y'all know what. There was a period in time where my wife was unsure about which way this was going, and she had. She had what's going, this relationship, and she had enough money to make her think let's just put what. Let's put it that way.
Speaker 1:I don't know what he's talking about she hadn't.
Speaker 2:you know what I'm talking about. I don't know what he's talking about. Yeah, okay.
Speaker 1:Like I said, I have always if I had a bank account.
Speaker 2:You got a contingency for the contingency he knew. I don't know you got money upstairs somewhere. I know you do. I'm staying in the book for her.
Speaker 1:You know, that's what, that's what he that you said that cause I had opened my nightstand and I didn't realize that there was. You got money. I don't know if I hid it from myself, I don't know if I was like I'm planning on doing something with it, but there was money in the nightstand and I was like, where did you get the cover up.
Speaker 2:You got money up there somewhere.
Speaker 1:No, it's not like that at all. Anywho, whatever money I do have the money that I make from like my crafting and stuff it's always available to my husband or my household. I won't take that money, but he doesn't take that money right. So don't sit up here and try to make it seem like you know.
Speaker 2:I be hoarding, but at the same time I tell you I'm not taking your profits from you know the things you do on the side. Just don't always kind of be expecting me to fund you, the things you do on the side, because you're calling me and want me to fund your stuff Often.
Speaker 1:Well, that's because that's also. I mean, it's you funding it, it's our money.
Speaker 2:Okay, babe, I need stuff for my kid, Babe, I need this for the okay.
Speaker 1:It's our money.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's how that works, but you're making your do this.
Speaker 1:Anywho, back to the topic at hand. Okay, before we rant off too much, the communication breakdown. Right On top of feeling like you've kind of been portrayed because you have put your trust into this person and they have betrayed you by misusing your trust, by misrepresenting financial information or digging you guys into a hole that seems inevitable to get out of, it breaks down like the lack of communication, because it's almost like if you were doing something you know, mischievous with the finances, or something it also kind of feels. As for me, it also kind of feels as though that's not really an excuse for me to not have known either, because I also should have inquired more, there should have been more communication. You know, like I do realize for myself sometimes, when I take such a handoff approach, that I could be potentially setting myself up for something you know but you haven't done anything, I mean, in recent years that has put my trust, that has put my trust in a state of where I feel like I have to question it you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:So if I came home Monday with a brand new tundra, would you be mad?
Speaker 1:Absolutely Okay, so don't do that. Yeah, note to self don't do it.
Speaker 2:As a highlander.
Speaker 1:As long as it's a grand one and it's white, so yeah, so lack of communication about the finances can also hinder the ability for us to do proper planning, for us to map out the finances to ensure that there's gonna be enough of the finances. So it kind of just. It affects multiple areas of the relationship. Right, it affects our friendship that we have. It affects how we interact with each other, especially once the trust has been broken with something so sensitive as money, because I also feel like there's well, here's the thing here's the thing.
Speaker 1:I also think that there's a lot of ego involved when it comes to money as well. Right, I had this conversation yesterday. I had this conversation yesterday and I was talking to a friend who, when we were talking about combining finances and how some married couples have separate bank accounts and some married couples have joint bank accounts right, and I'm a firm believer in you do what's best and what works for your relationship and, depending on the personality of you and your partner, you do what's best for your relationship. But I was talking about how, the first time you and I had combined our bank accounts right, it didn't go over so well.
Speaker 2:You thought I was robbing you Right.
Speaker 1:So, but that was also a lot of ego involved, right? Because for me I was thinking like, like I explained to her, I said, when we first joined our finances, I knew that when I got paid, I knew what was my responsibility to pay, I knew how much money I should have left over. I always had money to do my little shopping at the end of my work day or to do my little shopping at Old Navy, like I always. I knew how much money I should have, right? I knew after like bills, gas, all that, I knew that I always had a little bit of something that I could have for myself to go do whatever I want to with it. And then, when we had combined our resources, our financial resources, the first time, the first time that came up when I looked at that bank account and I wanted to go shopping, and I looked at the bank account and I was like something ain't right, something ain't right. I was just like I feel as though I should have a little bit more money than what's available right now.
Speaker 2:Which is always funny coming from somebody who don't look at prices or nothing.
Speaker 1:So, like I was saying but for me I also know that there was there was a little bit of ego involved in that right and there was a little bit of like what is the term called, I don't know, I don't remember what the term is called, but I was basically nitpicking, like that's how I was, and it made me extremely critical of anytime you bought something, cause in my mind I was just like, okay, I don't have enough money for this, but he's going to go buy this and I know I would have enough money. So now I feel like he's spending more money than what he would normally spend if our finances weren't to get. You know what I mean, as opposed to just looking at the money as looking at the money and it is for what it is. But then also going back to what we previously touched on the pod, before you were also going through a bit of a time. You were having some emotional things going on. That was also I wouldn't buy nothing but-.
Speaker 1:That was also hindering you from working, which is also impacting your paycheck and that was also impacting the way our you know, our financial looked at stuff. So there was a lot. I know that there was a lot going on at that time. So, when it came to like the money and everything, it was really important for me to always make sure that I had something available in the event that I did need to, like you know, make a quick move. Like I couldn't be down to zero, because if I needed to make a quick move, I needed to have funds. Go ahead and say it. Go ahead and say it, say what, say what. Say that you have If I needed to leave you- Say you had your out fund, I'm out.
Speaker 2:You had your I'm out for it Go ahead and say it.
Speaker 1:No, that's not what it was. Just if I needed to make a quick A quick move, like a quick juke, a quick-.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay.
Speaker 1:You know what I'm saying, so, anywho. So, yeah, so, but those types of decisions can also lead to long-term consequences. What do you think some of those long-term consequences are A financial infidelity, trusts, lack of trust.
Speaker 2:You can't trust your money. You got bad habits or judgment.
Speaker 1:Planning aspiration credit scores.
Speaker 2:You're preparing to leave me at all times.
Speaker 1:Retirement, what I mean, all kinds of stuff, right, yeah, yeah, Really babe.
Speaker 2:Yeah, cause she was ready to leave.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, oh my goodness. I didn't say I was going anywhere. Clearly, I didn't go anywhere. I'm here. He was right up. It's what? 22 years later, I'm still here, guys.
Speaker 2:Here you, ready to go.
Speaker 1:I'm still here, even doing a podcast with the guy.
Speaker 2:Look at here, look at this now.
Speaker 1:I even share an offspring with him.
Speaker 2:Look at this now it's the second I direct the pile of hair. Babe, what can I get this week?
Speaker 1:That's literally not even how the conversation goes. It's literally not how the conversation goes Anywho. So I think the biggest takeaway from that would be the trust, because once trust is broken, it's just like a domino effect and it just runs through everything and it affects everything.
Speaker 2:But like you, I think, like you said, like the biggest thing is like people are they're going to. You can't let your ego be involved in what said or what's done, and I think that you know a lot of people become prideful because you know they have the whole mentality of well, this is my money, that's your money, and you know. But it's like if we're working together for a common goal, which should be sustainability and in the marriage and you know, financial security, like you know, you have to take the hard look at yourself and be like you know what. Yeah, and maybe I shouldn't have moved this way to put us in this situation or whatever the case may be. Or maybe I should actually be more upfront about what the situation is and then let us cultivate a plan together and actually stick to that plan so that, moving forward, you know, we can be in the best possible position, that it's not only good for me but it's also good for the entire family.
Speaker 1:Right, and I think the biggest thing too, is that people are afraid to have really hard conversations, and especially when it comes to money, those can be hard conversations, but you have to have the hard conversations right. You have to be able to be comfortable enough and strong enough to say to your partner this is a problem, this is unacceptable. We cannot, we can't do this Like. You've betrayed my trust. I no longer trust you. This is the game plan that we're going to have to take to get us out of this hole, because you know money is, it can be a very personal thing too, right. It's like that's, that's what helps us to live life.
Speaker 2:Especially if you got someone who's like, working really hard and they're working with like and they're going oriented and everything they, everything they do, is calculated in order to achieve that goal. And if you have a partner who's not on the same page and they're dipping in the money and they're buying things and they're frivolous with it. The worst kind of person to be with is a is an impulse buyer.
Speaker 1:I feel like everybody has a little bit of the possibility, yeah, but like the, the, the you talking about like the true, true like, click it when I see it.
Speaker 2:Yes, like those, like yeah, and there's, like you know, the people who buy stuff and then return it the second they see it.
Speaker 1:Well, that's when they have the buyers remorse, because when you're looking at it, at first it's like you're on this high, the adrenaline's going. You're thinking of all the ways that you can use this and why you need it. And then, as soon as you get it and that high is gone, it's like I didn't need this and I really do need my money back. But yeah, so I mean really having those tough, hard conversations about money and, I think, to looking at each other's personalities right, really paying attention to what each other's spending habits are. You know, saving habits is there's always, usually a spender and there's a saver. That's usually how. That's usually how it works. There's a spender and there's a saver. Who's the spender, who's the saver?
Speaker 2:Honestly, I feel like it's a little bit of both with us because we both spend on, but we spend on a different type of thing.
Speaker 1:Right, exactly, and we both have that like nah, we don't need that, put that back, put that back, we don't. Nah, uh-uh, I will say this I would much rather have that money in my bank account.
Speaker 2:I will say this when we're out in public somewhere and we're with our daughter and she's looking at stuff and I be like, all right, I'm just getting it for her, and you're like she don't need that.
Speaker 1:She don't need it. She doesn't need it. And you know what? That's something for me that I've been working on, just like this morning when you showed me that three story Barbie house and my first thought was, oh my gosh, like that would be so beautiful. She would be in her room and she would just love to wake up on Christmas and see that. And then my immediately after that I was like she don't need it and nor do we need to spend $200 on a three story Barbie house, that she's going to lose 98% of the accessories in 72 hours. And I don't feel like stepping on another Barbie bracelet, because I don't know if y'all have ever stepped on a Barbie bracelet. I know people be talking about sorry, we're going on a rant I know people be talking about stepping on Legos, but if you ain't stepped on a Barbie bracelet, your feet don't know what it's like.
Speaker 2:My mind was like I could just take that printer. I just bought you back.
Speaker 1:Get her in the top. But have you not noticed that the printer's not open yet it's going to go back to? Because in my mind I was thinking. I was like, listen, here, I already got three printers.
Speaker 2:Seven.
Speaker 1:I got. I'm like do I really need another printer? Like you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:But I don't get, I don't think I get enough credit of how supportive I am of you.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, we're not. We're not branching off like that into a rant. I appreciate your support.
Speaker 2:Cause I don't see it.
Speaker 1:So any who yes, back to difficult, back to difficult discussions. Financial discussions can be difficult discussions. Nonetheless, they are discussions that need to happen. Do not be afraid to have them. Let your partner know how you feel.
Speaker 2:But be respectful.
Speaker 1:Yes, be respectful, because, again, ego, again ego is very much a part of it. Because I mean, let's be honest, a lot of the time, finances are also tied to people's identities. Right, Finances can be tied to identities. And if that were not the statement, you know how they say when a man makes a lot of money, it's easier for them to combine forces, but when a woman makes a lot of money, it's like, no, we need to keep the finances separate and be responsible for what we're going to be responsible about. For, you know, for paying things. But I think once you're able to remove the ego and you can you know, you can say the money is the money Like, it is what it is, this is what we have. I have trusted that. I've chosen a partner that I can trust financially.
Speaker 1:Now, granted, I know that there's a certain situations, especially for people in a certain type of tax bracket, where that, you know, that sounds, it sounds good, but legally and financially and for business purposes, it may not be, it may not be the most ideal. You know what I'm saying. Like the one percenters and stuff like that. I can, I can totally get behind that. The construct would be a lot different, but for kind of like the everyday person and everyday people who are just trying to like build a life together.
Speaker 1:I do think that having those conversations and being on one accord when it comes to finances and trying to remove as much ego as possible and just viewing money as the money, and as long as you guys are moving in the same direction as whatever goals you have set forth, you should be fine. Which also made me think about another thing goals, goals, financial goals. You have personal goals, you have relationship goals that you guys should be striving for together. You really should sit down and write out financial goals, right, whether it to be get out of debt, whether it to be like how your funds are distributed, whether it to be a vacation, like whatever. What's so funny? Tell me what thought in my head. What did you think about? Tell me Not appropriate, huh, not appropriate. What I want to know?
Speaker 2:So just put along the lines of having your wife drop that thing on your embaly, embaly, embaly. Yeah, so you go on vacation, you drop it, like that's what I'm saving for.
Speaker 1:I don't even know what happens to your brain half the time. I Understand, but any who I, I don't.
Speaker 2:I just okay. I said everything. I thought we'd be canceled, okay.
Speaker 1:So you know, to close that up, rebuild, rebuilding a, rebuilding trust after that is going to take Time, anytime. It doesn't matter whether it's financial infidelity, whether it's physical infidelity, infidelity of any kind, or any time you have broken your partner's trust. That's going to take time, it's going to take planning and you cannot rush it, people.
Speaker 2:What's on the table?
Speaker 1:you cannot set a timetable on someone's healing. You cannot set a timetable on somebody, on someone's trust, or Developing, redeveloping trust in your partner. That is going to take time and it's not going to happen on your timetable. So just be very conscious and careful if you are doing some things behind your partner's back that you don't want them to find out about, especially when it comes to finances. But just committing Down on miss or that last night or two little by, but just committing to your goals and the things that you both have set forth to work towards Rebuilding is Possible just just be honest.
Speaker 2:Just be honest and upfront with each other and and anything that you would want kept from you, don't keep from your partner, right?
Speaker 1:Okay, so we're gonna go into our two cents. The messy time I Don't know if it's, I don't know if it's messy time, but I mean, yeah, our two cents. Let's see, this one is, this one's a look, this one's more on topic. This was a good one.
Speaker 2:From here like as a book no it's not Okay.
Speaker 1:So it's again how do I recover from financial infidelity? So here is a prime example of what we were talking about. I just found out my 32 year old husband I'm a 34 year old female has $30,000 worth of credit card debt that began in February of 2021. He took out 50,000 from his 401k in 2021. Also, 80k was spent in a year behind my back. He admitted he's been gambling and purchasing random items that have added up, but mainly it's been gambling, mainly sports betting and going to the casino during the day.
Speaker 1:Most of the charges were cash apps or money advances on the cards. He guards the mailbox like a hawk, so I never see a credit card statement and I had no idea he was taking distributions against his 401k. This all came out when he finally when I was, I finally able to beat him to the mailbox and I opened a statement that showed that he was behind on payments. The card was for 5700 and he came clean about another 24,000. The next day he gave me his 1099 are so I could file taxes for the year and I almost fell over when I saw his 401k had $50,000 worth of withdrawals. Fortunately, I talked to my tax accountant and I can file an innocent spouse form, so I'm not liable for the tax bills since we filed jointly. Here's the thing he never touched our checking or savings accounts. Those credit cards are only in his name and have never impacted my credit score. His paychecks contribute to the mortgage utilities, daycare, day-to-day expenses. We make a good living 200k plus between the two of us. So it's not even a money thing. I believe it's a gambling addiction. But it's the lying and the betrayal for over a year that truly scares me. Coming home from the casino and sitting down at the dinner table with his family like nothing ever happened. He was living a double life. He said he was gambling as an escape. I believe that he's very depressed from a past childhood trauma and it's leading him to make terrible decisions. His credit score is a 498 because he wasn't making any payments on the two credit cards for over a year. I'm sick to my stomach to think that our family can't get a loan because of this mess, and it all falls on me. He's done this years ago with credit card debt only for about 7,500, but it was on actual things, like for a new woodworking hobby that got out of hand. He has also touched his 401k in the past and we had major discussions about how this is a terrible idea Because of the taxes and the penalties. He agreed to never do it again.
Speaker 1:How do I even begin to heal from this massive betrayal? We have a 20 month old son that I need to protect. I cannot trust him at all. I don't believe a word he says. I have always bailed him out of his mistakes financially in the past. I'm not helping him at all this time. He has to come up with a plan and stand on his own and getting himself out of this hole. He's a great man on the surface and is a wonderful father to our son. It's so shocking to think he could even do this to his family. I don't even know where to begin on repairing our marriage or if this is too big to come back from. Finding therapy gamblers, anonymous, and meeting with a psychiatrist are all my non-negotiables. Any advance, any advice would be appreciated. I'm so sick to my stomach. I feel so betrayed. So he had an issue in the past where he racked up a credit card.
Speaker 1:Say if I miss light work that she had to bail him out of. Okay, but the the biggest thing, like she said, he had an issue with borrowing against his 401k before. Okay, and she said he said he would never do it again. Then he went back and did it again.
Speaker 2:He has a problem.
Speaker 1:I mean, he has a problem gambling she clearly sees that he has a problem and I and he said that he's using it as an escape.
Speaker 2:So I think, I think the gambling is the, the gambling is the, the root cause everything you think it's the root cause or do you think yeah? The gambling is the symptom, the symptom in the cause of the financial woes. So you need to figure out what is the cause of him needing the Excaping him.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like our, yeah, I'm feeling like he needs. He needs the escape.
Speaker 2:I bet. I mean, I don't think that it's not a, I don't think it's a situation where it can't be reversible. I think that Boundaries have to be said again, safe guards need to be put in place and, like you said, like he, he still was contributing his part to the household.
Speaker 1:He's just leveraging your future but that's how he was able to do it in secrecy, because which?
Speaker 2:are future.
Speaker 1:Yes, so you got your cash up front, yeah so. Which makes sense why he couldn't pay the credit card bills, because she would know like where's all this money going to.
Speaker 2:No, I don't think he could pay the credit card book because he's already overextended. He just said that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but like she said, his paychecks contribute to the mortgage of the utilities in day-to-day.
Speaker 2:I would say my, my responses. Would you say get them help, and I don't, I don't, I wouldn't say leave him. I would say just get them help, monitor the situation and and if it gets to a point where you feel like For your own mental state you can't tolerate anymore, then I would say pursue other avenues.
Speaker 1:So let me ask you this Do you think that you could be with a person you can't trust? Yeah, I Mean be happy with a person.
Speaker 2:I know.
Speaker 1:Okay, so do you think that the trade her trust twice when it comes to this?
Speaker 2:but the thing is, the thing is and and that situation it's, it's a financial trust, right, it's not like, yeah, but I think that speaks to his character. It helped me a little bit does, but like Things to be put in place for him, for him to get that trust back, like he can give her complete control of the finances, finances, yeah, and now she knows where every single penny is going, and then that will really, that will really reassure her.
Speaker 1:But think about it. If she already knows that, like she said, they make 200k plus a year between the two of them, right? She said that His paycheck contributes to the mortgage, the utilities and day-to-day expenses. So for me that kind of reads that if she's not already taking care of the finances, she's fully aware of what his paycheck looks like on a weekly basis, right? And that he was still able to do this all behind her back. So, even if she's able to manage the finances, she's managing the day-to-day stuff, she's managing their, their mortgage and stuff, but she's not obviously managing their future Well management, because he's doing this on the side of being a star saying is she needs to have the for her own security.
Speaker 2:The only way for her to build trust with him is she has has complete control over Everything, and he has to be in a situation to where he's literally giving an allowance.
Speaker 1:Okay, I can get with that.
Speaker 2:That's the only way. That's. Only with that, go miles back Now. Now is he man enough to allow that, to let that happen? Or is he only at his bravado and his manhood and his ego sent away? And but no, I'm not gonna my control like that, who knows?
Speaker 1:Okay, I agree with that. Okay, next one. This one's, this one's free. How's long? It's a little. It's a little messy. I know how my husband loves drama. You love drama, let's go. I found pictures of my mom having sex with my husband. Whoa, absolutely.
Speaker 2:Yeah, tell next week, what is this?
Speaker 1:listen, I'm so nervous I'm not even thinking clearly now. I haven't talked to him yet. I need some perspective. I was cleaning the house. I opened the closet and realized there was a ton of shoeboxes there. I thought they are unnecessary, I'm gonna throw them out, I'm taking them outside, and I realized that there was a small USB drive in one of the boxes.
Speaker 1:I'm a very curious person. I should have seen it, but my curiosity got the best of me. In that thing there are over 50 pictures of my husband and my mom having sex. I felt 1,000 times betrayed when I saw them. I suppose the pictures are from before we even got married, because they were at my mom's house and she doesn't own that house anymore. My mom used to work oh, my husband used to work for my mom and that's how I met him. But he was just an employee and it never crossed my mind that there was any attraction, since my mom was 30 years older than him. I don't even know if I want to confront him about it. I'm just so disgusted in my mind. Neither of them have told me about being together and my mom was really happy for me when she was at my wedding. I just feel so weird. What should I do? Bye, bye. Should she confront him or not? Oh, she can ask him you know, ask him what there's.
Speaker 1:You don't have to ask if he slept with her mom. She has proof.
Speaker 2:Oh, what does?
Speaker 1:the conversation look like again.
Speaker 2:She can bring it up to him to see what he says. I mean me personally. I feel like this is a situation to where he was sleeping with her mom before he was with her.
Speaker 1:Yes, and that's what she said.
Speaker 2:I think that's the case, and this is just the goes to show you. Do you just leave it? This goes to show you, ladies, when you go looking for shit and you find it.
Speaker 1:Okay, so like what, you did this to herself. So what is that conversation with her mom look like? Do you say to mom? Do you say, mom, like I found some photos of you and my husband and you know, I'm just a little disappointed that you didn't tell me about this. It allowed me to like marry him in hindsight.
Speaker 2:If her mom would have told her what she would have believed him, believed her she Probably would have maybe her mom saw all happy she was and said go ahead and get it.
Speaker 1:Maybe she knew what her daughter would be getting and she was like I said you got you a good one, I can vouch for that. Boo you and good hand.
Speaker 2:He did you suffer delays like this too? Yeah, I mean Things give him will never be the same.
Speaker 1:I'm getting out of here. This has been another episode of life after I do podcasts. If you're not already doing so, you can follow us on social media platforms. You can follow us on Instagram. You can follow us on on Tiktok and YouTube and Facebook at life after I do podcasts. New episodes are every Wednesday, so be on the lookout If you want to reach out to us. You can reach out to us at life after I do podcast at gmailcom. But until next week, Lock your mother's up. Peace.