Ever wondered about the powers of sheer belief, or found yourself musing over the changing dynamics of gender roles? Ever experienced DINK life 'dual income no kids'—and then transitioned into parenthood with contrasting work schedules? Tune in as we navigate candid discussions about gender roles and the altering family dynamics we've experienced.
Ever wondered about the powers of sheer belief, or found yourself musing over the changing dynamics of gender roles? Ever experienced DINK life 'dual income no kids'—and then transitioned into parenthood with contrasting work schedules? Tune in as we navigate candid discussions about gender roles and the altering family dynamics we've experienced.
me a race to think and believe, and I do that. You can do anything. You can do anything. You can do it all.
Speaker 2:Um, that's that single mother.
Speaker 1:You can have. You can have it all, but it's going to come at an expense. Like you might. You might have it all, but you won't have all of it 100% Like. Does that make sense? You?
Speaker 2:can do.
Speaker 1:you can do it all, but you're not going to do it all at 100%, like there's just no way. It's impossible for you to give 100% of your attention to something you know multiple things.
Speaker 2:That's like saying you.
Speaker 1:Hey everybody and welcome back to another episode of life after I do. I am your host, nisha G, and I'm here with my husband.
Speaker 2:Your husband. You ain't got to put extras on it.
Speaker 1:I like to put extras on it, I'm just your husband. Okay, I'm here with my man's.
Speaker 2:Your man's. You got more than one. It's your boy, Moli Thong.
Speaker 1:Try to be a little different for you man, I'll 23 years.
Speaker 2:I like consistency.
Speaker 1:Goodbye, how was your week?
Speaker 2:Um, my week was good. Uh, I got to see the cutest little girl alive, my, uh, my niece, zara, and, uh, you know, had a good, had a, had a pretty good Thanksgiving, probably more than what I should have.
Speaker 1:But, but it was good.
Speaker 2:Shout out to Keith because, uh, we had a couple of spots while we were in Vegas.
Speaker 1:Yeah, food was good. Um, I hope everybody had a really good Thanksgiving. I don't hope everybody.
Speaker 2:There's a couple people I wish they had a terrible Thanksgiving.
Speaker 1:Bye Demail Gil.
Speaker 2:I don't like everybody, I'm just being, I'm keeping it, I'm okay, well, I hope everybody has my man's Say I'm cute, I'm just keeping it.
Speaker 1:If you were, if you were able to spend time with family and loved ones, friends, if you got a friendsgiving all of the above I hope everyone enjoyed themselves. Um, I don't take for granted not one moment that we get to spend with family and friends and see each other. I am grateful and thankful for that the most. So I hope everyone enjoyed their friends' giving and their thanksgiving. It was great, yeah. Um my week was good. Um, we had a friend's giving.
Speaker 2:Y'all look good. Thank you.
Speaker 1:We had a friendsgiving at a friend's house. That was really fun. It was pop look style. That was really. That was really fun. Phoenix got to play with her friend Um. And then we had you know, thanksgiving. That was really good. Got to be with family.
Speaker 2:Oh, hey, oh hey.
Speaker 1:Always, always, always a good time. Uh, Phoenix got to be with her cousins, so you know.
Speaker 2:One of these years we're going to get my wife to play face 10 with us again.
Speaker 1:No, probably not For all of those people who like and enjoy the game face 10.
Speaker 2:Good luck. It's like playing Rummy.
Speaker 1:I don't like face 10. You know what? Hey, here's the thing. I've even thought and I've even considered trying to play the game again because I was like, just because I didn't enjoy it the first time, maybe, you know, as an adult now I'll be able to like you enjoy it because the first time I played face 10, I was like when is this going to end?
Speaker 1:It felt like it was never going to end. It just was not an enjoyable game for me. So maybe I would be willing to try it again just not anytime soon, but maybe I will, maybe in the future sometime, I don't know. But yeah. So my week was good. Like I said, spent time with family and friends. Baby girl had the week off from her sport activities, so we got more time to be scheduling.
Speaker 1:Right. So we got more time to be at home. We got cuddles in, we played games at home, we rode bikes, we played in the backyard.
Speaker 2:I worked three days.
Speaker 1:Yes, we did all of this while you were at work, you know, I mean, of course you're not about You're not about nothing. Of course we missed. You is what I meant to say. You don't miss me. You don't miss me, you'll be snapping your whole day away.
Speaker 2:I ain't gonna see. That's why. That's why I'm really.
Speaker 1:What I meant to say is that we totally missed you no, you didn't when we baked cookies and stuff, and why? Okay, so here's this is. This is probably my favorite. I love the fact that. Okay, you know I like to watch old shows and I just love that Phoenix will ask to watch the old shows. Now, like she literally came to me, she said mom. I said what she said can we watch? Jefferson's Said yes, yes, we can. And she said Louise is my favorite. I said is Louise Jefferson your favorite? She was like yeah. I said okay, let's sit down and watch an episode I need to be reading books, so she read books.
Speaker 1:Thank you very much. Her teacher said that she needs to focus more just on her writing because her reading skills Phoenix understand she was she needs the right and practice.
Speaker 2:practice her gymnastics in her dance Because I'm looking forward to her retirement putting me in retirement.
Speaker 1:Okay, you shouldn't even put that pressure on her like that. It's not her responsibility to retire you, but okay, so, yeah, so we did that. I mean I had some lunch and we sat down and watched an episode of Jefferson's too, so that's really fun. I do like having those moments with her and she legit be like laughing, because sometimes she, sometimes she, would laugh at stuff and I'd be like I'm pretty sure you didn't understand any of what just happened, but because she heard the audience laughing, she's like, oh, this, that's the cute to laugh, and she'd be like it don't really matter when it comes to Jefferson.
Speaker 2:Florence is the only watcher show. Florence is the trip.
Speaker 1:But wait, can we talk about how I got everybody in the house watching Jefferson's? Like, even when you get dressed for work and I turn it on in the morning, you be sitting there, you get stuck, you be standing there putting your shirt on, but then you stand right there in the doorway for like 20 minutes watching an episode of Jefferson's.
Speaker 2:I mean because it reminds me of growing up.
Speaker 1:I know it's really good. And I told Phoenix I said after Jefferson's we gonna start Good Times again. And she said Good Times. I was like you don't remember watching Good. Times. I said but now we got to go back to the opposite side.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she was good time because James won't play around. He's with no kids behind.
Speaker 1:So I was like we didn't got our apartment in the sky.
Speaker 2:Now I'm gonna show you where the bottom starts. You did that backwards.
Speaker 1:Right, I said and then by the time that's over I should be ready to start Golden Girls again. And then after that I'm gonna be ready to start.
Speaker 2:You need to buy a street company while you're slipping.
Speaker 1:Oh, I never really cared too much for 3E's company Coming knocking on our door, coming knocking on our door.
Speaker 2:We've been waiting for you.
Speaker 1:I do remember the song. My auntie used to watch this company. No, but I'm trying to get myself a break before I start Golden Girls over again, because and if you guys have, I don't think a lot of people even knew because I think I want to say there was only one season of Golden Palace. So Golden Palace is what came on after Golden Girls, Like once they had their series finale when Dorothy ended up marrying Blanche's uncle, I think it was and they moved away and it was just the three. It was just the three girls. They ended up selling Blanche's house. They took all the money and the proceeds, liquidated all of their funds and they bought a hotel in Florida on the beach and the show was called the Golden Palace and it was basically them, like you know, moving on and running a hotel and it had Don Cheadle in it when he was younger. It was such a good show.
Speaker 2:And I was like it was so good it got canceled.
Speaker 1:Well, you know, I don't know if it did have more than one season, I just only remember I only watched the one season because that's what was available on Hulu. So I'm going to have to look into and see if there was more.
Speaker 2:We can't, we're not going to be plugging all these shows, we're not going to pay for this.
Speaker 1:Bye, but anyhoo, yes, so Golden Palace, so yeah, so today on the docket, I like to say that sometimes, today on the docket, we're going to be talking about. I like to call it the great debate. I feel like in this time, in this era in time and, like you know, in society and everything, there has been basically like a gender war.
Speaker 2:No, it's still going on.
Speaker 1:It's like men versus women and I don't understand why there needs to be. And one of the biggest topics that are always constantly talked about is gender roles and how gender roles are. You know, some people are on the side of traditional gender roles are beneficial. Other people are like it's dumb, let's do away with it. It doesn't make sense Like you know anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you, and I just really wanted to have that discussion because I don't feel like we've ever talked about it in the sense of just discussing it as a topic, you know, and how our family lifestyle is set up right now or how it was set up before, like I don't feel like there was like I can speak on both.
Speaker 2:I've been on both sides of the fence. I can speak on both Right.
Speaker 1:So that's why I kind of wanted to get into, because I, you know, from our perspective right now, in this moment and I always say right now, in this moment, because our situation always changes, you know, right now- in this moment, I think. I mean we're in a what would be considered a traditional setting. Yeah Right, so I stay home.
Speaker 2:We have we have traditional pronouns.
Speaker 1:We have ch-.
Speaker 2:He him she, her.
Speaker 1:We have traditional, we have traditional settings. I stay home and and, audibly enough, I am a homemaker, I actually do make shit. So I'm at home and I'm a homemaker, and he goes outside and he works and you know, he provides our financial, our financial needs. Um, what do you think? Let me ask you this so, when we were both working, what was your, your thoughts about that, do you like?
Speaker 2:when we lived the Dink life. They're, they're, oh, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll love Dink life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so Dink, life is dual income. No kids Dink life. That's what Dink means Dink, dink. Life was good. Dink life was good when we actually started making a little bit of money.
Speaker 2:Dink life was a little bit more money, right, yeah, now the thing about Dink life cause there's pros and cons to everything.
Speaker 1:Of course, obviously.
Speaker 2:So the pros of Dink. Life is like it was it was. There was never a shortage of money.
Speaker 1:It was I mean nah nah nah, no, not in this.
Speaker 2:That's why I said like once we got to you know, like once you went full time and stuff like that I'm talking about. I'm talking about.
Speaker 1:I'm talking about but we had some struggle years in. Dink life. We not. We're not talking about we're not talking about.
Speaker 2:We're talking about. We're talking about post struggle years we talking about once I started driving.
Speaker 1:Yeah, post struggle years.
Speaker 2:Like literally like we went from. You know we was doing okay, we got by. We can go out every now and again. To having some disposable income Right To eating out every night.
Speaker 1:I wouldn't say every night but, I mean, you know, I didn't cook a lot.
Speaker 2:No one cooked a lot, no one cooked a lot actually. It got to the point where it got. It honestly got to the point to where I don't even think we I think we pretty much just bought snacks at the grocery store.
Speaker 1:No, we didn't. We bought groceries, it wasn't like that?
Speaker 2:We wasn't like that to me. We was cooking breakfast at home. Yeah, we were always pretty good about cooking breakfast and the only time one of us would cook. If it's like one of us, like if I got off before you did or you got off before I did, then we would cook. But if it was every time we were going to get off at the same time where you want to meet at, where we going to eat at.
Speaker 1:Right. Right, or there was time where you were working late and I would call my brother and he was like, hey brother, let's go to Slaters, yeah, and I'd be at, and you guys want me to go to Slaters, yeah, and then suddenly they're going to the bar with my brother.
Speaker 2:We were going out there like come on those were good times, those were great, those were good times Right. Um a lot of money at Dink Life.
Speaker 1:Okay, but then we moved into having a child and both working. And what was that like from your perspective?
Speaker 2:It was terrible. It was terrible. And then we tell you why it was terrible. It says it was terrible it was one because we had to work opposite schedules.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So, and then we were all fluctuated so much.
Speaker 2:So I would. I was working nights, you were working during the day, I was living off naps, you know, three hours here, four hours there, um, trying to make sure you know everything was so. It was, it was it just it wasn't working like juggling the schedules. It just wasn't working. And then on top of that, she was what?
Speaker 1:six months, seven months on my bed, yeah so Cause I went back to work when she was four and a half months. I had to get about it.
Speaker 2:You did that.
Speaker 1:I had to get about it.
Speaker 2:And then you know we're not going to talk about my features tricking me.
Speaker 1:Cause I was like I got to go, I was experiencing. I didn't realize that why I? Didn't realize that I had a little bit of postpartum, but I was just like I got to go, like you got, to take care of your baby.
Speaker 2:It really irritated me that I would wait until the absolute last minute to leave for work, just to be here in case something happened, in case you need me, and you would literally leave for work two hours early every day, every day, every day. And then act like you didn't have time to take her to daycare and do it so I could sleep.
Speaker 1:You know why? Because I don't like rushing in the morning.
Speaker 2:You were leaving two hours ahead of time.
Speaker 1:Because there was. I had a system in place. Okay, so my mornings I would get up. I like to take my time to get ready for work.
Speaker 2:I like to take my time to get my coffee I like to make sure that if I run into traffic, I'm not sitting there panicking and traffic. I can just sit there comfortably, and none of that was in service to me. That was kind of should be. That was your self care time.
Speaker 1:And you wanted time with your baby and I didn't get that luxury. You wanted time with your kid.
Speaker 2:You got time with your kid, so I would say the dual income with the child. It just it didn't with the schedules, that didn't work. And then, finally, you know, working night, my health got worse, yeah. So my doctor pretty much told me you need to stop working nights or you're going to be in trouble. So then she started going to daycare full time and we both was working, and then it was.
Speaker 1:Still the schedule thing, because I worked an hour away.
Speaker 2:It took me an hour to get home, and then it took him an hour to get home.
Speaker 1:And then there was instances where if I didn't leave like work exactly on time, and then God forbid there was an accident or I was late, then I was late picking her up. And I remember one time her daycare lady was like, literally she had a plane to catch and I was like 13 minutes late and she was like this had not happened. Like I told you, I need to go.
Speaker 2:I will say. I will say that her that do the grace of God, her daycare lady was a godsend. It was a godsend because, like McFadden family daycare. She worked with us.
Speaker 1:She worked with us so much.
Speaker 2:And I. So very even though the one incident where you know the, the, the, the, my baby in her face.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:I didn't like get mad about oh you absolutely did.
Speaker 1:I was mad. You actually almost took her hand off.
Speaker 2:I didn't, I didn't, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you did. You got very aggressive. That's why she called me before she called you and she was like because I know your husband is going to be so upset. And I was like the fact that you think I'm not upset, my baby space is pink.
Speaker 2:Well, anyway, I would just say she was. She was a godsend. She helped us out. And not only was she helped out, she gave us a really good price.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she was like still talk to her to this day. Love, love you, Quida. Yeah, but yeah so it was it was a struggle, it wasn't impossible, obviously because we made it work for, you know, a few years. And then COVID happened and he was essential, so he didn't stop working.
Speaker 2:I was not a mother fucking day off.
Speaker 1:I was not essential, but I was still working from home, but I wasn't like clearly doing all the work. I was at work but I was working from home, and I worked from home for a few months and then my position they got away. They did away with my position at the location that I was at and then I got a callback for the location that I applied for the year before, which is where I wanted to go higher volume, bigger staff. Like you know the. What I wanted the year before COVID had happened is what was presented to me after they got a, after they did away with the position that I had previously. And so I remember it was around Phoenix's birthday, because when my old boss had called me to offer me the position, I was just like last year, I immediately would have been like, yes, like, of course, because this is what I want, because I was on, you know, the path of progression and I was like I had a goal and I knew the position I wanted to be in into the next two years and I was on that track. I was on that path, everything was great, my money was good Like you know, everything was hitting and then being at home for those few months and him being out and working and the dynamic of that me being here with Phoenix and just kind of like settling into being home.
Speaker 1:I remember when she called and offered me the position, I literally said to her is it okay that I think about it a little bit and give you a call back? And I could hear it in her voice. She was kind of like, oh, yeah, sure. She was like, okay, go ahead and take the weekend, because it was we were going to be having Phoenix's I think it was her third birthday party because CJ and them were here.
Speaker 1:It was her third birthday party over that weekend and I was like, let me, let me get through the birthday party, let me talk to my husband, let me see how this is going to work out, because I know I'm going to be having to drive to a different city too and then we'll come back. I'll come back and I'll give you an answer. And she was like, yeah, sure. And I remember us having the conversation and I remember you saying to me well, you know what my choice is, because he has always kind of expressed to me that he would rather have me at home with our kid and him go out to work, because that's you know he comes from that was my decision.
Speaker 2:Yes, that was my choice, but I always allowed you to make Right. Because even when I I'm over here, having to be with him over here, just making you do-.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, stop it. Because even when I was at work, like sometimes I would be under a lot of stress and he would always just say, like why don't you just try being home? And for me I'm like we just moved into a new house, We've got new expenses, things like that. And I didn't want to, not only from the financial aspect of it, I also for my personal, like my personal feeling, like I loved going to work, I loved what I did, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:And me, I was like, if you subtract daycare from what you bring home and then I Gas and the gas and the oil changes, and then you add me just working I'm stressed, you add me working like two to three more hours more every day, like it's going to replace your job, yeah, and so Like. So it doesn't really-.
Speaker 1:And so he was, you know, and it took me. We've had the conversation about me being a sand home parent before and part of me I think this is so part of me felt like, okay, yes, I could do it and I would love to be at home with my kid. The other half of me was what do I do with myself if I agree to this? Like I got? A list of things you could do I'm, you know. I've always been pretty much like an ambitious person.
Speaker 2:You'll go get her. I'll go get her, you'll go get her.
Speaker 1:I enjoy work, I enjoy having a planner, I enjoy writing things down, knocking things off my list. I enjoy, like hitting goals. I enjoy, you know, all of those things. I enjoy those things. I enjoy being in charge of something and leading something and being responsible for something and people depending on me Like that's. I like that. You know, that's what kind of drives me.
Speaker 2:Your family depends on you.
Speaker 1:My family does depend on me and I get that satisfaction. But you know, when I was thinking about making the decision to stay home, I was just like, okay, okay, like, let me just wrap my head around it. So anyway, long story short, we talked about it and he was just like we'll work it out, we'll figure it out, it'll be fine, just trust me. That's what he said to me. Just trust me. And I was just like, okay, like, okay, if you're comfortable enough with it and you're telling me that I can trust you and that you were going to take all of this on, tell the whole story.
Speaker 2:Tell the whole story.
Speaker 1:What.
Speaker 2:When you decided to trust me, tell the whole story. What'd you do?
Speaker 1:What'd I say? What'd I do?
Speaker 2:You, you, you went all the way in.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, absolutely, absolutely. You gave me you. You told me to trust you, and that's what I did.
Speaker 2:You went straight into pajamas for a year.
Speaker 1:It's not for pajamas. I transition to leggings. Don't play my life. So you know. Long story short, I ended up staying and you know I've been home for a little over three years now and almost four. Almost four. Yeah, it'll be four next year, so I've been home a little, you know a while over three years Now I will say this.
Speaker 2:I will say this when you were working, you were working. The financial burden of my hat was I was probably working. Lord knows, I would like cuz I was like. Oh, I was like because your hours are like boom every week, right, and so I would always cut my day short so I could be here and I was, like you know, there would be enough with my paycheck right, so I was working like so the fact that you just tried to downplay my paycheck a second ago was real funny.
Speaker 1:I'm not okay. Hold on hold on hold on hold, on hold, on hold on now I'm not saying.
Speaker 2:I'm not saying your paycheck didn't matter.
Speaker 1:I'm just saying, like you trying to make a change, I mean, compared to you, yeah, but you did, you did cuz like.
Speaker 2:My check was like twice. I know size of yours and I was only working like calm down. Okay, I made decent money okay, you're making us pay for your car. Calm down. I make decent money calm down, but I was I would say this like having, like, I was like, oh man, like, if I didn't want to go to work on a Thursday, friday yeah, I'm not, because you know your wife don't miss work, she's missing work, she's not missing, she's not, she gonna be there, me right, I there.
Speaker 2:There is a. There is a. There's a running joke at my place of employment and they know it's true. I can come in on Monday, not like the vibes, and straight up, look at the face and say I will see you next Monday. I'm not dealing with this, but now I'm not in that position where I could do that all the time. So it's like, but back when she was working oh no, I'll see you next week but okay.
Speaker 1:So, like being home now and being a stay-at-home mom and having the traditional setup that we do have, I, it has its moments, don't get me wrong, it has its moments. But I feel like now and over the past three years since I have, you know, developed our, our routines and our schedules and our things, like that, I wouldn't trade it. I wouldn't trade it like now. Granted, we have talked about me going back into work, right, but we both agree that the type of schedule that I had before wouldn't be conducive to our family and in service of our family. But as far as being home and being a stay-at-home parent, I like this traditional setup, I enjoy being able to be of service to my family and I think that's a lot to be said because I am needed you know what I mean like I think for me.
Speaker 1:I do, I do feel wanted, I do feel wanted and I do feel needed and I am more than one way, huh, more than one way. Yeah, but I'm just saying, you know, I think with today's tone and today's society, sometimes women are made to feel like if they, if they not a boss, if they not all going to get the bag, if they not doing this, not doing that and, you know, focusing so much just on themselves that they're not like what are they doing?
Speaker 2:what? What service? My question to you is how are you not a boss?
Speaker 1:well, so for me, like how I always say I call myself the COO of our household. How?
Speaker 2:are you not a boss?
Speaker 1:that's what I'm saying, like I in my own right, I am a boss in my own right. I'm a boss because I have people who depend on me. If I decide to stop doing something, things don't run how they would, how they would normally run if I over saw this you know when you get sick. I do too.
Speaker 2:Trust me, I do too could you come back with some work?
Speaker 1:I don't like getting sick either, but what I'm saying is is that I think there's not enough conversation about the benefits of there being traditional roles. I think traditional roles do serve their purpose, just like I think that unconditional roles have a purpose as well. Right, I don't think that. You know, when you have two parents who are outside working, that absolutely can work, and in today's climate it is. It's kind of necessary. You know what I mean. It's inflation inflation.
Speaker 1:Like I mean, there's been times like I've been to the grocery store and I was like, pick up, like I'm gonna have to at least get out here on the weekend and do something, because I'm getting a little and so because a 20 is a hundred nowadays right, so you know. You mean a hundred is a 20 yeah yeah.
Speaker 1:So when it comes to like traditional roles, I think there's not enough conversation around how beneficial traditional roles can be, even though that it is, it's difficult to have in today's, today's time, right. What do you think about that like? What do you? Think that traditional roles that we have now are better than what we had before for us personally, yeah, for us personally, like, do you did you like it better when we were both working, or do you like it in this setup now, the setup you created, by the way?
Speaker 2:I would say. I would say, financially, I like the other arrangement. Uh-huh, right, it's a lot, lot less stress.
Speaker 2:Like I didn't fully comprehend all that you were taking on the amount of stress I was taking on and, if I'm being fully honest, sometimes it's a lot to bear. Yeah, I think I wear pretty well most days you do, especially since I don't drink anymore, but I do prefer the way things are set up. Now, what you being home, which you being home, and it's strictly because of the way it benefits our daughter. Yeah, and so, and that's I actually what I tell myself, I, when I when people, why do you do this, like for my time? Why are you? Why are you working late? Because my child has activities. They all cost money. Yeah, why because my child. I'm doing this so that my child can have, I want her to experience as much as she can and.
Speaker 2:I understand that that takes that takes. That takes daddy to work, work more than what he would like to right. That also means daddy's gonna miss things that he don't want to miss. But I wouldn't I wouldn't trade this for anything because I feel like this is it's been official to her and I do. I see in her face, like the times that we do get together, like the interaction that we do have, like like you know, like when we went to lunch last week, like just like that, like it made her day to see daddy walk into the Chipotle or whatever you know, and that moment she has this time, she has with her this precious so it's like and when we play, you know, daddy, monster Phoenix, superhero Phoenix, like stuff like that, like so everything like it heightens that right.
Speaker 2:So and it's kind of like I mean, I'm not gonna lie, I do kind of feel good when I walk home and she's like all right, my, I've been playing with you all day, my dad's here yeah, like I'm doing my like that's here, so like some, like some days it makes me feel really, really, even when I'm extremely tired, like okay, like she brings me the energy to black, okay, yeah, so I would personally choose the roles we have now because I believe that that works for our dynamic, because the factors allow us to. Now I also I understand that there are a lot of people who don't have the same factors that we have and that they, they both have to work. But I also understand that if we may be in it, like when she's a 10-11, it may be a different conversation because she may not want to do with us right in right.
Speaker 1:It might be a little different depending on what she's doing, what she's got going on. I I also. One of the other reasons why I like this situation now is I see the impact that it has on her right and she. What is she? What does she always say when I tell her that I'm gonna go back to work?
Speaker 2:mommy's don't work. Mommy, stay home, daddy's gonna work that's what she always says.
Speaker 1:She says mommy, she says mommy's don't work, daddy's go to work and mommy's stay home. And I have to explain to her babe, not all mommy's stay home no, no, no, don't do that.
Speaker 2:I'm making her life, I'm I'm raising her right. It's gonna be so hard and wherever she chooses goodbye she's all non-praying the now, sir you did this.
Speaker 1:You had to figure it out. No, but you know I enjoy having the time with her. I enjoy being able to pour back into our home. I I do get a level of satisfaction from that and I do like the time that it does free up for me to do other things that can bring in income to help supplement your income. You know what I mean. It's not on the scale that I was doing it before with the crazy schedule and the hectic schedule and, like you know, the timelines and deadlines and things like that, but it does give me the space to where I can still pour into our home. I can still pour into you and her and have something that is also still for myself by my needs as well.
Speaker 2:It also gives you the space to look at stuff and realizes you don't like it. No more, you want shit to change well, yeah, that's that too because I say you know she had as many complaints when she was working.
Speaker 1:Because she and she because I didn't see it, but that's and that's another thing. When I was working I was very tunnel vision. So for me personally, the type of the type of person and worker that I am. I, I am tunneled visioned. Okay, if I am on something, I am on it. It's like I'm the type of person who didn't stop it. I am like I'm the type of person who doesn't mind answering emails at home, you know, and it's terrible. I do 10 out of 10 would not recommend.
Speaker 1:It is terrible and you might say I used to always tell her you never clock out right and some people might say, oh, that's poor time management, but it's like I enjoyed working, like that was my thing. I enjoyed working. Working for me was my space, away from home, away from you, away from her, and things like that. Then I transitioned into something where it was I'm here 24-7 and the first year, like once, I actually was like home and knew I wasn't going back to work.
Speaker 1:It felt like a vacation because I was working so much and because I was under you know the stress and things at work, it felt like a vacation and then I slowly realized oh, no boo, we have to have, like, like I have to get back on a schedule, how I was when I was going to work you know what I mean and I still have my off days and still have a lunch and still get up with an alarm, like that's what I had to slowly but surely implement. And, like I said before, now that we're three years in and we have a schedule, we have things going on. You know, like when I'm here and I'm here by myself, I know, like between 9 and 11, this is what I'm gonna do. Between 12 and 1, this is what I'm gonna do I pick her up at 140. You know, let's sit and sit and wait for her.
Speaker 1:She gets on it too. We go here. I gotta get her an hour nap. Then we got to get up, we got to run errands. You got to come, like, now that there's a groove I've settled into, you know what I'm saying I couldn't imagine trying to do all that I do here now in the house and still go outside and work. I like I not to say that it can't be done, because obviously people do it every single day. Yeah, and if I had to do it, I would absolutely do it.
Speaker 2:I mean if you.
Speaker 1:I'm just saying that, thinking about all the things that I do and that I'm responsible for, like our household, which is pretty much everything in the household, I couldn't imagine trying to still take all of that on and still go out and work eight or nine hours.
Speaker 2:I want you to know that if you go work, you're gonna still be responsible for what you're responsible for. That.
Speaker 1:That's absolutely not gonna happen, and we've had that discussion too, which I feel like is also part of the reason why you don't want me to go back.
Speaker 2:Look here Phoenix and I are we're used to a certain lifestyle. Uh-huh, yeah you have provided us this lifestyle, and it's up to you to me Remember how you talked about ding life and you're like, oh, we ate out all the time. Yeah, it's different with three people.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, well you know, if you don't help with dinner, guess what mama's not cooking seven days a week? Made that plain and clear. So but like, yeah, so with, anyway, with the traditional rules. What do you think is the biggest hangup? Why a side? Let's just talk outside of the finances. Outside of the finances, because I know that's like the number one thing people will bring up is that it's just not, it's not feasible for there to be one parent that stays home in today's climate with, you know, the, the rising prices of everything. Outside of that, what do you think are some of the reasons why people don't like traditional.
Speaker 2:I think it's the let's say from men.
Speaker 1:Why just from a male's perspective?
Speaker 2:I'm gonna. Well, I'm gonna. I don't know why the people don't like, why why men would probably not want a traditional wife.
Speaker 1:Like a tradition. Well see, now see, when you say that it's like, yeah, they want a traditional wife, but then they also want that traditional wife to still go out and work.
Speaker 2:Okay, my thing. Okay, I'm gonna just say how. Why so Traditional roles I feel like for why?
Speaker 1:why men would want it why they wouldn't, wouldn't want, why they don't want it.
Speaker 2:Because I hear a lot of that, like when I'm scrolling on social media, like I Feel like I feel like I'm most men wouldn't want that because they wouldn't want to feel like they're just taking care of another person and I don't feel like I don't feel like they really understand the value of having a staying home wife. Brains Because, yeah, you could all that, all that talk of, I can hire a maid, I can hire a cook. Yeah, yada, yada, bullshit, you can do that. That's me a lot of money, right, me a lot cheaper to just have somebody in there, right, right, right. So I think I, honestly, I feel like to me, I think what it boils down is to it, it's, it's them being selfish, right, it's being like, why am I gonna go out here and provide a life for you when you can help when you're able, when you're up, when you're able?
Speaker 2:bodied right, even when there's kids involved right, so, like, so, like I've said, from from my point of view, like I said, like you staying home, and I wanted you to stay home strictly for the benefit of our daughter. Yeah, this wasn't, it wasn't about you at all, it really wasn't about you.
Speaker 1:That's funny, because you sold it to me that way. I know.
Speaker 2:But it was about. It was about the benefit of our child now granted. I did say, hey, I'm gonna expect these things from you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like we have a discussion, like I'm not.
Speaker 2:I'm, you're not gonna stay home and just take care of her, and then you, I'm gonna go here and work six hours a Week. You think I'm from to come home and do do what I'm doing now.
Speaker 1:That's that's not gonna happen, and that's that's right, that's reasonable right Cuz if I'm honest with the listeners out there, I don't do anything at the house I, I, I sleep, shower and brush my teeth, and she does everything else.
Speaker 1:It's not gonna go over well with people. I mean, it is what it is but that I mean, I need help you, you, you help me, yeah, when you need it, when I need help, yeah, when you need it, but I don't volunteer it. No, you don't. Yeah, I'm not. You don't take initiative at all and I don't.
Speaker 2:I don't plan on too, because, because in my mind, in my mind, I'm holding a mind in the bargain right, but that doesn't mean that our, our two roles don't overlap at times.
Speaker 1:Sometimes I do.
Speaker 2:Yes, I do like.
Speaker 1:I want to get that straight like I'm not over. I'm not over here, cinderella in it, y'all like relax.
Speaker 2:I know you're not. Facility was on her hands and knees cleaning for us.
Speaker 1:No, I'm not gonna you have a.
Speaker 2:You have a Bistle machine.
Speaker 1:Now I did the other day bend over to scrape something with my fingernail, but that's as far as I'm going. I'm not gonna.
Speaker 2:I wanted it. That I did, I would have just raised some solution.
Speaker 1:Well, this, when I was buffing the floors, it wasn't like coming out and I was like what is it? It was like stuck gum or something, and from the shoe. That's why I tell you not to wear shoes around the house. So somebody wore shoes around the house, otherwise it wouldn't have got in anyway, and so anyway so I don't.
Speaker 2:So I would think if, as a man, if you don't want, like, a traditional role, or if you want your wife to work, I think that has to be with what, what? Uh, that has to be an internal issue that are some time of trauma, that that that triggers you to think that way. Because if you Don't see all the benefits to that, I Think if you would I'm sorry I think if you could see, if you could clearly see all the benefits to Having a wife to stay home and tend to the children and to the house, like that make things make life easier for you. If you could afford it, I think you, I think you will want it now. Granted, I Can see men not wanting that with the person they have now because that person's not holding up there in the bargain, because, like, for instance, in our situation, the way, the way it's set up, like if you weren't holding up, you're in the bargain, I would, I would, I would definitely feel the type of way.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, like it's same and it would be World War three around here, and you know. And so in that regard I can see I guess I can see a man saying no, I don't want that because I don't want to have to deal with the potential I'm not getting what I need from saying wife and have to do and and so, and you know, I guess you're from that angle, but I Mean honestly it's not bad right. If you got a real one.
Speaker 1:Goodbye, and then for, I think, for For me, or some females we are, we are well, for me, a race to think and believe, and I do, that you can do anything. You can do anything, you can do it all.
Speaker 2:That's that single mother you can have.
Speaker 1:You can have it all, but it's gonna come at an expense. Like you might. You might have it all, but you won't have all of it 100% Like. Does that make sense? You?
Speaker 2:can do.
Speaker 1:You can do it all, but you're not gonna do it all at 100%, like there's just no way so Jimmy. It's impossible for you to give a hundred percent of your attention to just like saying that's like something you know, multiple things that's like saying you can do five things really good.
Speaker 2:Or you can do three, three things great right.
Speaker 1:So you know, I think for me it's like I I've had these, these, these moments where I'm like, okay, I'm college educated, I have a college degree, I have skills, I am talented and I'm at home Taking care of my home and my husband and my child every day, all day doing the Lord's work part the knowing, the ambitious part of kinesia and that part of kinesia. Sometimes they used to like Clash right, because part of me would also feel like I'm. I'm wasting, wasting like my time and energy to like what are you?
Speaker 1:you know. But then on the other note to that it's like no, I'm not like.
Speaker 1:Society will condition you to believe that because you are not. You know out there working in a traditional sense, or you know out there, get into the bag, like they say that what you do in the home is not as valuable, if not more valuable. Do you know what I mean? And so for me, I have learned to Try to have those moments and keep those things that are just for myself, that is, outside of you and outside of Phoenix, which is like goes back to the episode when we talked about us having hobbies and having things that you know give us fulfillment outside of each other. You know what I'm saying, because it's important to always get back to you too.
Speaker 1:It's important for you to have a self identity and being a mother in general. You can very easily Lose your self identity, because you lose your self identity to just being a mom, or you lose yourself identity to just being a wife or being a homemaker, a caretaker and things like that. But I wouldn't trade the time that I have been blessed with to be home with my child for anything in the world. No amount of money can Like could, be given to me to trade the last three years that I got to homeschool her and that I got to watch her progress and I got to wake up with her and put her down at night and play with her during the day and you know what I'm saying like and make sure that when you came home, the house was cleaning, you had dinner and we had time together as a family, and knowing that my part Helped to cultivate those moments that we had as a family, Right do you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:But I think with today's era, things can be looked at so selfishly and I think that's what it comes down to, like how you said, it can be a selfish motive from a man's perspective to say I'm not gonna take care of an able-bodied woman like you should be able to get up and like, do something and to think that Women who stay home or men who stay home there are stay-at-home fathers. Let's not forget that. But to think that a parent who stays home, to think that there's a parent who stays home, that they're not doing anything with their day, that they're lazy and they just get to like watch TV all day and you know, do just pretty much live a life of luxury. That's not always the case, because if you are Dependent, but someone's depending upon you to take care of the entire household, just like how you said, you don't do anything, that that that's a lot right. Like we have a two-story home, I have to clean all those bathrooms, I have to vacuum and sweep in my floors. I have to cook dinner.
Speaker 2:I appreciate.
Speaker 1:I do breakfast, lunch and dinner and snacks, and in between I'm the one who's doing homework. I'm the one who's doing bad time. I'm the one who's running the errands. I'm the one when you call three o'clock in the evening and say, hey, I forgot to go to the bank this morning. I need you to go to the bank. I got to go make that bank right? You know what I'm saying. So it's like I'm of service to my family and I'm doing something every single day, every single day. So when I make that time that I have for myself to work on, like my side businesses, or to Like go to the gym or do so, I appreciate those times Right, because those are times where I can just be. I can just be Kainisha, but I'm working just as hard as I did, if not harder, when I went out to work.
Speaker 1:Everything that I do here is more valuable than anything I could have done when I was out there.
Speaker 2:And I always say I always get your credit, cuz I tell us what you do day in and day out. I, I don't, I, I have no problem clocking in. I. I appreciate that cuz I wouldn't do it.
Speaker 1:That's just like. I remember that one time when I did get sick and you were like, what do you want to eat? And I said, oh, I really want some. Um, what I said? What was the?
Speaker 2:the meatball soup some soup, some soup you.
Speaker 1:Gosh, I can't even think of the name right now, but it's a. It's a Mexican meatball soup. And he was like do you want me to buy it or do you want me to try and make it? And I was like I would really love if you could like make it, because it's like super simple, you know. And then that way, like when I want some more, we can have leftovers instead of you going and spending $20 every time I want some.
Speaker 1:And when I tell you, this man went downstairs, like first he went to the store, he got all the ingredients, he came home, he made sure I was straight, gave me my medicine, tucked me in. He was like I'm gonna go downstairs and starting your soup. I was like, okay, I heard every cabinet slam. I heard every pot slam. I can't tell you how many dams I heard how many. You know what it made me think of on the color purple, when, after she had the kitchen all cleaned up and organized and he was trying to cook for shook. Remember, he was trying and he did not know anything about that dance.
Speaker 2:I didn't know where nothing was there.
Speaker 1:He didn't know no, where nothing was that you all I? Heard, was when the hell is.
Speaker 2:So this used to be so, you know, before she started staying home, you know I did. I did most of the cooking.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he did most of the cooking.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was with the cleaning because I was a better cook Anyway whatever but so I knew, I kind of knew where stuff was way around the kitchen, but my wife has now reorganized the house, apparently, and and I'm still asking where stuff is and Then I'm like I've thrown things out, got new things.
Speaker 1:I don't know what he did not know what to do. In that I Was like what? And I'm sitting there laying in bed and I got, I'm under two blankets, I got a snuggy on, I have a hoodie on and I can still and the door was closed and I could still hear him bitching and moaning downstairs and all I kept thinking to myself was I'm gonna get this soup in about four hours a Soup but you don't get it, but you gonna get it.
Speaker 1:I said, the fact that he doesn't even know his way around his own kitchen.
Speaker 2:I Know what she was.
Speaker 1:He don't, he don't know his way around.
Speaker 2:He has spices not labeled.
Speaker 1:I said what is this? I knew exactly what, but you know like it, but that was that just goes to. That speaks to like I said, I recognize what I do and what I provide for my family and the life that I provide for my family. Like I, just like how you provide a life for us, I provide a life for us, right, and that does bring me a level of satisfaction.
Speaker 2:I would say I provide a life, you make it comfortable.
Speaker 1:I mean what you provide, and I multiply. Okay isn't that how they say it?
Speaker 2:All right sure.
Speaker 1:Isn't that how they say it? So yeah, so I just think, like in a nutshell you know this whole back and forth. I think we need to take the self-absorption out of it. I think that we need to recognize that, both men and women, it's not easy on either parts. You have your own crosses to bear as a man and I have my own crosses to bear as a woman, and we can agree that both sides are hard and it's not, isn't?
Speaker 2:it's not me versus you, right, and I hate and.
Speaker 1:I really do hate hearing like oh no, women have it Tougher, no men have it tougher, we both have it tough.
Speaker 2:I will say this as a man as a man, knowing that I have a, knowing that I have a partner, will go for bad, go to go to bat for me and that's gonna and gonna hold up their bargain. It makes my life. It makes it easier, a whole lot easier to deal with the BS outside. It makes that a lot easier knowing that I can come home to a place of peace, a place of warmth, and even when the world has beat me down and everything's, not everything outside the here's are going wrong, and you know I can the fact that I can just come home and you be like and just take it, take a breath you know I'm saying yeah, that right there, like and smell pine, saw Pine soul, especially my pine soul, that right there, you know, motivates me to be like okay, like this, this, this, this situation, it works for us. Like this is it, this is what I need.
Speaker 2:I came home, I got a good meal, I got my batteries recharge. I'm gonna go out here. You know F, what, f, what they're trying to do or trying to put me through. I'm gonna, just I'm gonna what? What? Stand for the benefit of my family.
Speaker 1:Well said, babe, well said I Agree and put those spices back away.
Speaker 2:I had them what nothing. You heard me.
Speaker 1:Okay, that was a good discussion, babe. I like your point of view. You made some good points, really you did.
Speaker 2:Maybe you started listening to me there.
Speaker 1:I do listen to you. Don't make it seem like I'm not a good listener.
Speaker 2:Oh no, you listen, you just don't apply.
Speaker 1:Yes, I do, I follow your direction sometimes. Sometimes, I go to the well you lead me to.
Speaker 2:You ain't drinking.
Speaker 1:I'm not always thirsty. That's a lie Cap. I'm not always thirsty.
Speaker 2:You ain't got all them standings for nothing.
Speaker 1:Goodbye, good, dang on, bye. Anywho, we are going to be moving into my favorite portion of the pod, which is our two cents.
Speaker 2:This should be called your four cents.
Speaker 1:Okay, my four cents. No, it's our two cents. Reaction time, reaction time, okay, so listen to this. Sex with my boyfriend is so bad oh my God.
Speaker 2:Damn, that's what we're doing.
Speaker 1:Uh-huh. I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. The relationship is great, but the sex is bad. We're both young and healthy. Lately, the past several months, he can't finish during sex. He'll have sex, he'll go soft and then we'll have to try again and it repeats. Sometimes this can go on for an hour and then it usually ends with me crying and him being mad and frustrated. Occasionally he'll end up finishing. It's so annoying and I hate it, but I don't know what more I can do. He said he'll talk to a doctor and he always makes me finish first, whether or not we have sex. I've tried everything. I give him special attention, I try to switch it up, but nothing. I have practically begged him to keep going after he goes soft, because I'm so embarrassed and none of it works. I don't think I can take it anymore. Any advice?
Speaker 2:Two things Offer it.
Speaker 1:What Offer it what?
Speaker 2:I'm gonna say the one that's gonna benefit. Her first One he's gay. What One he's gay. Maybe he's working through his demons and he's just trying. He's going soft.
Speaker 1:I would never have guessed. You would say that I don't even understand how that could be Hold on.
Speaker 2:That's the first option. The second option your cat just trash. Just go, go, go, go, go, go. Come here. Look here as a man with men, friends, and I don't know any man that has not reached the goal once entering.
Speaker 1:It could be a medical condition. She already said that he said he would go see a doctor about it because, it's trash.
Speaker 2:It sounds like he ain't never said it instead damn. I think it's trash. I think it's trash. If he ain't gay, it's trash. It's trash. It don't matter what you think, it's trash.
Speaker 1:That's not it.
Speaker 2:It is trash. It is an hour. He sat there and stroked his, his, his member for an hour and then not finish trash. As a man, when I stroke my my member myself, it takes less than a minute. So you're telling me 60 times of when it takes me. I'm in you and I still can't finish trash.
Speaker 1:No trash, it's trash. Okay, so there could be a. There could be a lack of a trash the walls is beat up, maybe, maybe, maybe.
Speaker 2:No trash.
Speaker 1:Are you not going to let me speak, no matter what you say?
Speaker 2:It could be medical.
Speaker 1:It could be medical.
Speaker 2:It's not medical. It could be mental.
Speaker 1:It could be medical.
Speaker 2:He could have a medical condition If he's, if he's, if he's already a command going in and going soft during the action. It ain't mental. What it is is that it's you mean medical, I mean it's a okay, it's mental Right. It absolutely could be mental I calculated mentally, he cannot be attracted to you.
Speaker 1:I was going to say it could be. It could be mental, or maybe there is some lack of attraction and he's trying or there's a lot going on in his head.
Speaker 2:He's either he's gay. Your cat is trash Right.
Speaker 1:You said it, not me. You said it Not me, or he's not attracted to you.
Speaker 2:It's, it's.
Speaker 1:But I don't think that matter.
Speaker 2:I know.
Speaker 1:I was going to say because, I mean, I feel like you know, and this is generally speaking- don't, don't, don't take this wrong way, but I can slide into somebody I'm not attracted to.
Speaker 2:I'm still getting mine because I'm. I'm going to think about something that would get me going, because I'm letting my loop, my memory, loose. It's right, man, your cat is trash. I'm sorry to tell you the truth. I mean, I know someone that was sampling for it and let you verify.
Speaker 1:I guess it doesn't matter what I say.
Speaker 2:What do you think, babe, Go ahead. I mean you said the man was gay.
Speaker 1:Her cat is trash I say the possibility. Okay, well, and I say that it's a possibility that it's mental or medical.
Speaker 2:Because okay what?
Speaker 1:That's what I'm saying. What did our?
Speaker 2:cousins say he said it felt like a hot chill and he it wasn't for him Good.
Speaker 1:Dang.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:On Right.
Speaker 2:Right, that's what he said. That's what he said. And don't put his business on there like that. Just like just like that's what he said.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's what he said and he's he, he. He didn't like it, so that's why you're thinking the guy might be going soft inside after being an hour.
Speaker 2:First of all, the man's cardio is great. He's pumping for an hour. I have to ask off to him. He has to be great lung he has to be in great shape and our man is trash. I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:Okay, well, that's it. That's my two cents. It's trash.
Speaker 2:Look at that shit. Tighten up man hit on a cank or two Hit a cank, or why you didn't?
Speaker 1:All right. Well, if you're not already, you can follow us on a TikTok, Instagram, YouTube, Facebook at Life After I Do podcast. You can also reach out to us personally at Life After I Do podcast on gmailcom.
Speaker 2:Hold on, hold on, hold on, we're on all digital security platforms. She said that everything is great. He's probably a great listener and a great talker. I think now now I'm back to making you gay he's a great listener and a great man.
Speaker 1:We are on all digital streaming platforms. New episodes every Wednesday. This has been another episode of Life After I Do podcast with your host, nisha D M Olito. And until next week, guys. We will see you again, peace.