Embark on a heartfelt journey through the complexities of love. Join us as we question the nature of love, and delve into the layers of authenticity in relationships. Reflect, reassess, and redefine your notions in this intimate exploration.
Embark on a heartfelt journey through the complexities of love. Join us as we question the nature of love, and delve into the layers of authenticity in relationships. Reflect, reassess, and redefine your notions in this intimate exploration.
I'm gonna start crying.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna try not to. I started thinking about the love that you've always tried to convey to me, that you had for me.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I think when I was younger, I couldn't really understand the weight of how you were trying to explain to me that you love me. You know, like 16, 17 years old, I'm like, okay, like we in love you know what I mean Like we doing this we in love.
Speaker 2:But when I think about it and then I think about the life that we've created and I think about all the time that's been put in, and I look at our family and I look at all the things you know that we've created together and it's like like I love you, like hey, everybody, welcome back to another episode of Life After I Do, do, do, do, do, do, do. I am your host, nisha G, and I am here with my husband.
Speaker 1:Your husband.
Speaker 2:Okay, my husband, whatever you want to call me.
Speaker 1:Just don't call me a chump Molito. Good morning.
Speaker 2:How you doing boo.
Speaker 1:I'm doing good you looking good baby.
Speaker 2:Thank you From beginning to end 365 days of the year I want you to say I'm all loving baby. You always want to play me. How was your week?
Speaker 1:All I want to do. Oh my gosh, Keep on loving you. I need to say I'm all loving you.
Speaker 2:I got deep. Don't be disgusting.
Speaker 1:My week was good. Boo, you know, work home. Nothing unusual happened. I got through it quite well. You know, so nothing to complain about. You know I'm happy.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:How was your week?
Speaker 2:My week was really good.
Speaker 1:That's good.
Speaker 2:My favorite part of the week was us working out together. Yeah, no, grace, don't be gross, we actually, like we went to the gym together.
Speaker 1:Oh, goodness gracious, I mean, we weren't calories either way.
Speaker 2:Oh, my gosh.
Speaker 1:Anyway, that was probably From beginning to end. That was probably like the highlight of my week, 365 days of the year.
Speaker 2:Because, you know, I needed some bubble time, I needed some time.
Speaker 1:You know what I need to say. If I could, I'll give you the world.
Speaker 2:Let me know when you're done.
Speaker 1:Wrap it all around you, my angel.
Speaker 2:Let me know when you done All right, go ahead.
Speaker 1:How's it feel to beat me?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so that was the highlight of my week being able to spend some time with you and work out in the gym and be a little silly and just us having time together. You know, baby girl and her schedule Baby girl.
Speaker 1:what are you doing?
Speaker 2:They. So they ended up canceling tap dance this week because they had to do something in the gym. And it almost came at like perfect timing because when I picked her up from school on Wednesday, her teacher was like, oh, can I talk to you for a second? And I was like, yeah, so she's like. So today she had a little bit of a rough day. And I was like what do you mean? She had a rough day, like she doesn't have rough days. So I was like what was going on? Right, I know she is, but I'm just saying it was unusual, because that's never like she's never had to have a conversation with me about it, you know. And so she was just like. She was like you know, she had a little tough time focusing in class and she didn't complete all of her work and she was hiding the work that she didn't complete.
Speaker 1:So she was like the work that she At least she had a plan.
Speaker 2:Right, she was like the work she didn't complete she would stick it in her drawer, her little desk and like basically hoping that she wouldn't find it. And she was like, and I had to talk to her more than once to sit down and just like, finish her work and she just wanted to talk to her friends or whatever. So when I picked her from school, you know, and I always like, hey, Phoenix, how's it going? And then we always talk about her day and I make her describe her day to me in detail just for like conversation, and I like to ask her open to questions and stuff. You know. So after we pretty much got all the pleasantries out the way, you know, I asked her to tell me about how morning work went and doing all her work and stuff. And she just got quiet and she was like, oh, she already knew she didn't want to increment herself.
Speaker 1:I thought her well, right, she already knew so when I had got the email, when a man sent you down and questioned you, you don't answer them questions, listen.
Speaker 2:So when I got the email that tab dance was canceled, I mean, either way she wasn't going to go Because you know, like we've done that before, where it's like you, either you know, do what you need to do or you know. So I just felt like I was like this was perfect because. So what I did is I manipulated her. And I was just like I said, okay, well, since we didn't have the greatest day today, we're going to take a break from tab dance.
Speaker 2:So we're not going to go to tap dance and we need to focus on the work that you didn't complete at school, because you know they send home, like her morning work and stuff. So I was like we're going to focus on the work that you didn't complete at school after we do homework today. So, after we finished homework, you're going to do your spelling, words and study, and then we're going to focus on the work that you should have completed at school that you didn't complete at school. And she was like, oh no, but what about tap dance? And I was like we're not gonna go to Tap Dance today Because our priority, our priority is ensuring that we take care of our actual responsibilities first, you know, and that's pretty much what it is. She went ballistics and when I tell you the meltdown, the meltdown was-.
Speaker 1:Equivalent to about seven assful posts.
Speaker 2:Oh my, you could have sworn. I beat her. You did. I emotionally beat her. You took the phone away. And I was like I remember how I was telling you. I said I was really proud of myself.
Speaker 1:But I give it in.
Speaker 2:Because for one I didn't give in and then for two I didn't allow her actions to make me reactive.
Speaker 1:I would have gave in.
Speaker 2:No, I didn't allow her actions to make me reactive, right, because she was screaming and I was like Phoenix, you need to calm down. And I was like and when you calm down, then we can have the conversation. So go ahead and get your frustrations out. I'll give you a couple of minutes and then when you feel like you're in a state where you can manage yourself a little bit better, then we'll talk about it. And when I did that, she got through it a lot quicker. You know what I mean, as opposed to me trying to beg and plead with her and being like hush and stop screaming. And when you kind of go back and forth and meet her with that same energy, the meltdown is drawn out so much longer. But I was just like you know what? Have your moment? I was like I know you're upset, but when you're done we're gonna talk about why we're not going to dance tonight, right? So it is a long story short. We ended up getting through it.
Speaker 2:And so the next day, on Thursday, she kept telling me. She was like Mom, I'm gonna have a better day. And I was like okay, have a great day, I know you can do it. Giving her words of encouragement. We say in the morning get Phoenix to the moon. Because she always says that she wants to go to the moon. And so I said get Phoenix to the moon. And she was like get Phoenix to the moon. And so when I picked her up from school and I asked her teacher, I pulled her teacher to the side this time and I was like how was today?
Speaker 1:And the teacher said she got all of her work done before I could even ask her see all that, all that tell me, all that tells me that the work is not challenging my baby, my baby is bored.
Speaker 2:She was like she said she got all of her work done.
Speaker 1:Yes, because my baby is advanced and you don't have the proper work to reward. Goodbye, that is not it. That ain't it? You're boring my child.
Speaker 2:That ain't it. So she was like she was like she got all of her work done today without me even having to ask. She said it was a much better day. She said the only thing I would say is that because she was finishing her work like she finished her work early, then she felt the need to get up from her desk to go talk to her friends.
Speaker 1:Okay, have both.
Speaker 2:So I was gonna say so. Basically, in her mind she was like you were complaining that I didn't do my work yesterday because I wanted to be a chatty Betty. So today I'm gonna just flip the script. I'm gonna get all my work done, I'm gonna make sure it's right, I'm gonna send you the work and then I'm gonna go chat. I was like that's my Phoenix, that's you. That's me, that's my Phoenix.
Speaker 1:Y'all will talk to one to death.
Speaker 2:Other than that, yeah, like it was a, it was a really good week, like I feel like I had a pretty decent proud mom moment and you know it was good. I can't. I can't complain. It was a productive week, I got things done.
Speaker 1:I will say this I'm gonna stop getting conned out of these chocolate lollipops on Thursday.
Speaker 2:Why? Oh, because, like every every Thursday, we go and we have lunch together as a family on his lunch break. So we meet up with him wherever he is on his route and we go and have lunch. And after we have lunch she always, like she, goes and whispers in his ear can she have a chocolate lollipop? She says it in his ear because she doesn't want me to hear it, because she knows I'm gonna say no. Yeah, she did that she was like dad can have a chocolate lollipop.
Speaker 1:And she looks so cute, I couldn't tell, I know.
Speaker 2:She did look really cute on Thursday. She was really cute, but yeah so. But other than that, yeah, my week was my week was really good. It was really productive. I'm happy that I checked off two really big things on my list that I wanted to get done. That's what's up Like orders to stuff.
Speaker 1:So you were productive this week.
Speaker 2:I was productive.
Speaker 1:I actually was.
Speaker 2:I was, I was really proud of myself. So I mean I'm proud of you. It was good that that productivity didn't translate to everything I needed to get done at home because I didn't cook dinner for like two days. We're not gonna talk about that, like I said, but did y'all go hungry?
Speaker 1:Like I've said many times, like I've said many times before, I extend you grace when I know you need it. I know that you're not cooking every day. It doesn't always happen when you miss a couple days cooking.
Speaker 2:I don't hold it against you, and that's why I try not to hold it against myself either, because Just know, I'm not cooking this weekend.
Speaker 1:Bye.
Speaker 2:I try not to hold it against myself either, because I was like I was really productive. The things that I said I wanted to get done, I got done, like, and I know that I'm gonna have a really busy week like next week, so yeah, so, anyway, I'm happy you had a good week, I'm happy to be here with you. I love you.
Speaker 1:I love you too.
Speaker 2:So, speaking of love, From beginning to I wanted to talk about something that I had saw on social media that was like trending for a little bit, and it was talking about it was doing what Trending a bit. Trending a little bit.
Speaker 1:I just, it was just pointing the way you put all together.
Speaker 2:Oh you didn't take a break.
Speaker 1:There's no. There's no gas between the Okay.
Speaker 2:I just wanted to get your perspective about it. We didn't really stop, we didn't talk about it a lot, but I do want to get your perspective on it. Love and condition, and love being Demel enough enough. And love, is love conditional or is it not conditional? Is there a such thing as unconditional love?
Speaker 1:Yes, I do. I am a firm believer. I don't know who said this, but I do believe that Children and children are children, are the one people who are unconditionally loved by their parents. I do think when you get older you know, I believe I love you unconditionally, but you may not see that the same way, I do think that there's insistence, but I don't think it's. It's even across the board. I do think because, because love is an emotion and emotions can change, it can't. There can be, there's the Heather, has to be conditions to it.
Speaker 2:Okay, so that makes it.
Speaker 1:I will always say this. I also subscribe to the fact that, as a man, I choose to love you every day. Okay, so I might. So I choose to do the things that show and reflect love to you and my, and what I, and how I carry myself, and how and how or what I do for that day.
Speaker 2:So, okay, I just feel like this type, this type of discussion, just keeps it. It's one of those things that can keep diving, diving and diving into more questions, more questions. So what's your perception of love? Like when you think of love, what does that? What does that mean? What does that mean for you? Because, like, the definition of love is an intense feeling of deep affection. So is that what love is for you?
Speaker 1:I think that's part of it. I think, for me, love is the un, the unwavering loyalty and strength to show up day in and day out and do what I have done and what will continue to do, and to do what I said I would do, to be to me a man of my word, to provide for you the things that I have promised. You know that that that is how I show love. So my, and not I mean that is my definition of love and love, and it's also, it's also giving you what you need, whether it be, you know, spiritually, emotionally, financially, whatever. That's how, that's my version, that's my definition of love. My definition of love is me pouring myself into you so that I can fill your cup. Okay, in multiple ways.
Speaker 2:So when you talked about a little bit earlier that you think kids are the most unconditionally loved people, yes. Because they're unconditionally loved by their parents, and the aspect of being in relationship with somebody and being married with somebody, thinking about it in the terms of pretty much how society thinks about love and associating it with the things we give, treat and how we interact with one another. Do you think love becomes conditional over time? Because you said that. You said that you feel like love, like as you get older. Well, here's the thing.
Speaker 1:I would have to say yes and no. Right, Okay, Because you know certain, certain feelings will fade and will grow stronger. You know, stronger over time. You know, and you know especially, like, like I feel like even if something was to go awry with us, right, I will always love you.
Speaker 2:Right, that's how I feel.
Speaker 1:I'm 23 years in. You know it's not. I can't erase, you know the emotions that you've been through all the years I can't erase almost a quarter of a century from abounding with you, right, right, so I can still love you and not be with you.
Speaker 2:That's exactly how I feel. You know what I'm saying. That's exactly how I feel.
Speaker 1:I can love you from over there.
Speaker 2:Right, because I would still have love for you, right, right.
Speaker 1:So like if we ever get to a place, to where it's just not. It's not good enough for me to be in this because, whatever the difficulties is, it's just too much to hold to bear and I start losing myself. And now, when I start losing myself, I'm now in a position to where I have to love you from afar. Okay, because my proximity to you. It's not good for my own personal health.
Speaker 2:Okay. So then does that? Does that now make your love conditional? It's not conditional, Because I'm just saying so when people talk hold on, hold on, Let me say this real quick I don't.
Speaker 1:The love's not conditional, it's just, it's changed, it's changed.
Speaker 2:Okay, but love but love. But love, like, if we look at just the definition of what love is, love is love. So when you say it just changed, I don't think hold on, hold on.
Speaker 1:I don't think the love changed, the appearance of it changed.
Speaker 2:I don't think it's the love that changed. I think it's either the situation that used to serve you no longer does, or the standard in which, you, well see, I don't like that term. What term?
Speaker 1:The situation that used to serve you.
Speaker 2:Okay, but that's the thing in a relationship, in a relationship you're benefiting in some way and I'm benefiting in some way, and in the minute that you feel like you stopped benefiting or like you said it, takes.
Speaker 1:Okay, granted, that's true, but I don't look at it as I look at it as there's been a lot of times in our relationship where the dynamics have not served me.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, it's the same on this side.
Speaker 1:It has not served me Right, and I still got up every day and chose to love you.
Speaker 2:But okay, but what is it that? What is it that kept you doing that? Was it the notion? That you've okay loyalty, or because you know that maybe it was gonna be short lived, or because you know that there was Well, I always believe that any problems we run into is gonna be short lived, because I have confidence in us to get through it.
Speaker 1:So I never approach something where, oh, my, this is gonna be the straw where that breaks it up. I never had that mentality, so I also understand that. I guess it's easier for me to take because, as a man, I'm used to it as a man. As a man, the life of a man is a life of sacrifice period. That's just what it is, right. I'm gonna sacrifice either my time or my resources for those I love, right? So I just view it as nothing.
Speaker 1:Never really is for my how did you say it? My benefit, right, because I live my life and benefit to my family, right. So, as long as cause, I view life, as long as I come home. I come home every day and you're happy, she's happy, the resources are there to do what we need to do and we live a good, decent life. That's how I'm showing my love to the family. Now, that's like in the family unit, right and now, granted, I do benefit from that because I have somewhere to come home to. But rather than I did that for you or not, I'd have somewhere to come home to because I would be working right. Whether you cook for me or not, I'm gonna eat, like you always say whether I cook or not, you're gonna eat.
Speaker 2:Right, you didn't go hungry.
Speaker 1:Right. So it's like so yes, I benefit from those things because you're doing it, so I'm around to reap it, but it's not like that's not a benefit that I would only get if I was here. You know what I'm saying. So I can't say you staying home, like right now, let's just rule about it, you staying home doesn't serve me.
Speaker 2:You don't think it does.
Speaker 1:It doesn't serve me at all Now. I benefit from you staying home because listen listen, it doesn't serve me. I benefit from you staying home because you do do my laundry, you do pack my lunches right.
Speaker 2:Cook your meals. You cook my meals right. Take care of your child.
Speaker 1:But these are all things that I wouldn't, that I could possibly do myself. What's who? Our child is the one who benefits, and you're serving our child by staying home Because she's allowed to have the life and all the extra characters because mommy is around to right. So that's how you serve her. And then I serve her by having the financial stability in order to pass down to you, to pass down to her, so that she can have these things to do.
Speaker 2:But you don't think I service you, Because for me I'm in service of my family. That's how I do my position. I'm in service of my family Because whatever it is that you need or that she needs and obviously you're not gonna be able to take care of, it if you're working.
Speaker 1:I'm saying in service of you staying home. I'm not saying you don't serve me by it. You don't say you do service of me in other ways. Okay.
Speaker 2:Demail. Don't Don't In other ways right, don't Right. Yes.
Speaker 1:You give me the motivation to continue on, to push through right, that's what you do right Like a card Right.
Speaker 2:You give me the motivation to continue.
Speaker 1:You tell me to hang in there. You know what I'm saying. I put a little note on there. So you breathe, you speak life and give life into my life so that I have the energy to go out here and grind for us Right. So by you providing those services to me, I then return those right, Right, Right. That's like I always say like you make right, you speak life into me. I bring the resources to you. You make the home the home. That's essentially what the dynamic is now, yeah, Okay.
Speaker 2:So I mean I guess you kind of answered the question does it become conditional over time?
Speaker 1:I don't think it ever becomes conditional. I think it may feel conditional because as we grow and evolve, our needs grow and evolve as well, or want to grow and evolve as well, and I don't think the love changes. I think that a person becomes either more or less selfish where they don't see outside the situation.
Speaker 2:I think, with today. That's why I was trying to say the difference between love and standards, because that's what Stop.
Speaker 2:I think you tell tomorrow we're gonna do so Because when I heard the statement, so when I was looking on social media and they were talking about, love is absolutely conditional, because if he didn't pay the bills you wouldn't want to be with him, or if she didn't do this for you, then you wouldn't want to be with her. And I think for me, what that sounds like to me is that people are confusing love and standards.
Speaker 1:Well, here's the thing Love to me is, in a way, it is an act of service. Yeah, right. And then when you act of service, are choices right? So I'm choosing to love you, you're choosing to love me. I think the issue is people associate love with things that are not necessarily love, like they're associated with. Oh, he loves me because he does this, this and this. She loves me because she can do this.
Speaker 2:Like they associated with material things a lot and that's not love.
Speaker 1:That's just what you get out of the situation, and if you think that's love, so the second, a better deal comes across, you're gonna leave that.
Speaker 2:That's not love.
Speaker 1:Love is what sustains you. When, hey, we got $5. We can go get a two for four and split it. That's love when you stick together. You know what I'm saying, Cause, like you know, if we were ever in a situation God, God, I hope we're never in this situation but if we have enough money to buy one meal, you and the child's gonna get that meal. That's just my, that's my mentality. You, okay, she's gonna eat, she's gonna eat what she eat, and then you're gonna eat what you eat, and then, if there's a fry or something, I might sneak a fry. So something like that. You know what I'm saying. To me that's love. And I think a lot of times and why I personally believe that a lot of relationships don't work is because most people are getting with people based off what they get out of it.
Speaker 2:And but is that wrong?
Speaker 1:too. It's not necessarily wrong, but when that's the most the driving factor in your attraction, you know that's wrong, because you're being attracted to such a surface level quality that the second things get hard or something it's easy for you to walk away, it's easy for you to walk away right. So, like Francis and us would be in a quarter century in. It's hard to walk away from a quarter century.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but then do you-. So then see, like I said, I just feel like this whole thing kind of just makes me ask more questions and more questions. So when you say something like it's hard to walk away from a quarter of a century, does that mean you stay in it because of the time? No, or does that mean you know what I mean?
Speaker 1:I know what you mean, but no, I don't think that-.
Speaker 2:No, okay, okay, but okay. So, just like going back to love and standards, like you said before, a lot of people associate love with things or like what you can do for me, and you said that love also has a part of service. So when we talk about, like how you mentioned earlier love, you know, like love changing, like that would probably be a reason why you would leave. If love is also involved in service, like things that you do for me, things that I benefit from the relationship, and you no longer do those things, or you are no longer in service of me and I've been in service of you, then that's grounds to walk away.
Speaker 1:No, I don't think that-.
Speaker 2:Do you know what I'm saying?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I see what you mean. Like when the components change, does it Right? Does that mean I walk away? Because now this is not the, this is not the same monopoly board I started with.
Speaker 2:Right, like when they say like in the clip when she talks about, okay, yeah, but if he stops paying the bills, if he's not a good father, if he's like things like that, see my thing is you can't.
Speaker 1:Nothing in life is absolute. You have to look at the exterior factors, right? Why is he not paying the bills?
Speaker 2:Is he not paying the bills Because he's not working, but they don't go work and you don't wanna work. And you okay with, just like putting the bill.
Speaker 1:Okay. Now you gotta ask yourself is he okay with you putting the bill Then? Yeah, you should get out of there quickly, because I'm gonna guarantee that's not what you signed up for. But if he's not going to work, is he going through something? Is he not going to work because he lost his job? You know?
Speaker 2:what I'm saying. Well, see, now you just sound like me.
Speaker 1:No, okay, it is what it is. You can say what you wanna say, but it's like nothing is absolute and I feel like you can't just say love is changing, because even once you because you wouldn't exhaust every option of trying to reconcile if love wasn't there and even once you split, the love is still there. It's just-.
Speaker 2:Which is why you go through a heartbreak.
Speaker 1:It's why, right, cause, it's like this, like cause, love is one of those emotions where it's a two-sided coin. Right, you can, it can provide you bliss and it can provide you pain, and it's like it's not that the love's not there, but now that we split, the love is painful because it's painful because now it's not necessary. I love my loss. It's a love that didn't mature into what I thought it would, what I thought it would. It's a love that didn't blossom fully and it's a love that I had high hopes for. And now I have to walk away from you. I still love you and you still have a piece of me, you know, cause, like I like, for instance, like if we were to go our separate ways, you would always have my heart.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:I personally believe that you know, another age could never be on my level. I'm sorry, wow.
Speaker 1:I personally believe that you know I would do right by you, regardless of whether we were married or not. That's just my personal belief, because I, because of how much loyalty and love you've shown me, right. So I can't. I'm not the type of person to just forget about the past. I'm going to always be there for you, regardless of what we go through. Personally, you know, cause it's like, yeah, we didn't work out, but that doesn't change the fact that I still know that you you know, Kinesia Kinesia, as Kinesia is a good person.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay. So do you think that there is a difference between, or what is the difference between, loving someone and being in love with someone, or are they the same?
Speaker 1:Loving someone is, like I said, is the choice.
Speaker 2:Like you can love anyone.
Speaker 1:Yes, you can love anyone. You make a choice. You make a choice to love them, right. You make a choice to. I get up every day. I make the choice to go out here and be faithful, be honest, be loyal to you, right? That's the choice. Hold on, that's the choice, right. To be in love with someone is to be infatuated with someone, and you're not necessary in love with that person. You're in love with how that person makes you feel there at the time and you're cultivating that. You know what I'm saying. So to be in love is actually the. I personally believe to be in love is the start of actually. I mean to be the feel, to be, to be in love is actually the beginning of actually being in love. You know the feeling of love. You know, like the whole, I'm falling in love with you. That's the feeling. You know what I'm saying. That's the growing, the attachment. That's the. You know that's the relationship binding together.
Speaker 2:Okay, so then okay. So the way I heard that was the falling in love is almost like the beginning. It's like, like you said, the attachments, the peer bonding, things like that, and then you would graduate to love, right, right.
Speaker 1:So the falling in love is the beginning, the attachments, the growing, the fall All the good feels, wanting the right time with you. And then being in love is you waking up day in and day out and making the conscious choice to do right by the other person.
Speaker 2:Okay, like holding up your end of the bargain.
Speaker 1:No matter what, because some days is hard.
Speaker 2:So okay, can conditional love hinder your authentic self-expression?
Speaker 1:Like in a relationship. No, because I don't believe, I don't, I don't.
Speaker 2:I'll say it again Can conditional love hinder authentic self-expression?
Speaker 1:Well, see that that to me, that depends on the person, because some people ain't authentic, are here and then they change based off what from there in.
Speaker 2:They like a chameleon.
Speaker 1:So, but for me personally, I am who I am. So I'm going to be who I am, regardless of who's in the room.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So I'm not, I'm not switching up, so to me I'd say no to that, okay.
Speaker 2:So, would you say, love itself can truly be unconditional? Is there a situation in which love itself, aside from a parent and a child, can love truly be unconditional? And I mean not just from the perspective of just like the deep infatuation that you have with someone, but couple that with the deep infatuation, the all the emotions and feels, but even with their faults, like I mean, you know, with you and I, I've learned to accept your faults and your shortcomings, but that's also a part of it's also a part of who you are right, and for me your faults and your shortcomings don't outweigh the man that I know you are and the character that I know you have.
Speaker 2:Right and for me that feels like that's, that would be unconditional for me, that I can still accept you.
Speaker 1:And that's why I say I don't see, I guess it's all semantics, right, because I feel like when you love someone, you love the good and the bad, right? So, oh, you don't necessarily love the bad, but you accept the bad.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like I'm willing to, yeah, right.
Speaker 1:You understand what comes with, whatever the case might be right. So in that sense I can say, yes, unconditional love is there, right? But then again I feel like anything can be unconditional when you're steadfast in your belief, in your stance.
Speaker 1:When you stand on your stance, you're 100% down, you're 10 toes down. Nothing can sway you. When you're 10 toes down, nothing can sway you. That's unconditional, that's your unconditional belief, that's your unconditional stance, no matter what is said, Like I don't know, for instance. Let's just do something simple. Like you, my favorite purple, my favorite color is purple, right? I don't care if you say that's a girly color, I don't care what, it doesn't matter, I don't care. Right, it's my favorite color. If I have a choice, I'm going to pick purple first. I don't really care.
Speaker 2:I see what you mean.
Speaker 1:You can say it's a girl color. It don't bother me, it's my color, it's my choice.
Speaker 2:That kind of just reinforces what I said Despite whatever your shortcomings are, despite even in your lowest moments, for me knowing who you, are and the love that I have for you and towards you outweighs the moment in time that you're having Right and it outweighs when you're in that space of being down. It outweighs you being a jerk in the moment. It outweighs when you're being unfair about something, because I know who you are at your core.
Speaker 1:But you know that I'd only be unfair about something if I truly believe what I'm doing is correct.
Speaker 2:It's correct and I do know that and I do know that. But, like I said, the love that I have developed for you over the years because I think that's another thing with love, like how you talked about it changing and stuff like that you would always make a comment when we first started dating, you always said to me that you loved me first and that's why I could never love you as much as you love me.
Speaker 1:Right, and I still say that.
Speaker 2:Because you've always loved me first and to me I used to always get offended by it because I used to be like it's not a race, you know. But when I really sit and think about it, like the other day when I had came home and I was like really silly and I was trying to give you a kiss and everything like that, a song had came on and it was a song that you had, it was a Drew Hill song and it was a song that you had in the letter that you had wrote to me when I was like.
Speaker 2:It was like the message you did when I was like 15 and he had wrote me this letter and he was telling me how he felt about me and he was using song titles as he described how he was feeling about me and he made a CD to go along with it.
Speaker 1:This is like the third time you mentioned this on the podcast.
Speaker 2:It's a time, it's literally one of my favorite things. Anyway, one of the songs came on and I started thinking about those early times, you know, and I literally got butterflies in my stomach and I was just thinking to myself when you would say that, when you would say you loved me before I loved you, and when I really really started thinking about it, I was like you know what? I think he's right.
Speaker 1:I know him right.
Speaker 2:I do think that you felt that deep passion, that deep knowing like this is the girl for me. You know what I mean. I really I liked you and I loved you.
Speaker 1:I loved you. You liked me, you didn't love me.
Speaker 2:Okay, I was in like with you, I guess. But as we grew and as we got older, and especially now at this stage in the game, it's like I love you, I love you.
Speaker 1:And I appreciate that.
Speaker 2:Do you know what I mean? Like I love you. Like these holes could really try it because I look good in orange.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, you do look good in orange.
Speaker 2:Like I look good in orange. Don't test me, but I would, but I would, but I would. But it's true, because my love has grown over the time.
Speaker 1:But I would say that to you because, like I've always told you, when I saw you for the first time, it was just something about you, right. It was an aura around you and it was like in my mind, you know at what 14, 15, whatever the case with me, I said that's my wife In my mind. I was like that's her right there.
Speaker 2:It's not what I was thinking. I know it was not. I was thinking why does he always have to hug me after he plays basketball? It's.
Speaker 1:I was active so gross. But the thing is it's like. But the thing is it's like. I felt that when I saw you. Right, so I guess you can say live a first sight. I don't know if you want to say it was rolling out, whatever, but I felt that when I, when I saw you, and then I then over, and then you can say I started playing the long game from there and I won, because this is he's talking about when we met in junior high. Like.
Speaker 2:I've known my husband since the sixth grade and he all, he, like he just said now he would always say from the first time I saw you walk across the quad, I just knew like I was going to be with you. I was just going to be with you. And that's why I say, when that song came on, like I'm literally driving in the car and my stomach is just getting like fluttery and I just start getting emotional and I just started thinking about oh gosh, I'm going to get emotional now. I started thinking about I'm going to try not to.
Speaker 2:I started thinking about the love that you've always tried to convey to me, that you had for me, and I think when I was younger I couldn't I couldn't really understand the weight of how you were trying to explain to me that you loved me. You know, like 16, 17 years old, I'm like okay, like we in love you know what I mean Like we doing this.
Speaker 1:We in love.
Speaker 2:But when I think about it and then I think about the life that we've created and I think about all the time that's been put in, and I look at our family and I look at all the things you know that we've created together and it's like like I love you and I can understand how much you love me, like now, like over the years I started to understand 23 years later.
Speaker 2:No, I'm talking about over the years, I started to understand, but it was in that moment, when I was driving home. I was just having a moment where it just kind of like hit me again Like this this I love you, I'm in love with you, my love for you has like, I feel as though, like, my love for you has no limits, like when people say you are my person. I truly feel like you are my person. And even in the times where I, you are getting on my nerves and I can't stand you and I'm like oh, like, oh, my goodness, in the back of my mind, I'm still like, I still wouldn't want to do anything.
Speaker 1:I just want to do life without you. I can sit here and call you every name in the book. Say everything, everything, everything bad about. I'm not talking to your face. But like obviously like you know, I can say everything bad in the book. Everything you know, everything. You know all the negative words away and I know, at the end of the day, once I calm down, yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm going to go back and I'm going to be like, okay, because every now and again I look at you and I see my little pickle pork chop and it's like it's like it's that's what I'm saying. Like it, love is something that evolves, right, right, right. And like, like I've always said, I loved you before, you loved me Now. That's not saying that you didn't love. Love me then Right, but that was just me saying that you, you're not. At that time you were not comprehending the magnitude of my love.
Speaker 2:Right, and the fact that you still accepted like when I think about it, you still, you know, accepted me, even with the feeling or knowing that my love for you was not exactly what your love was for me.
Speaker 1:This is us, you know, walking the door, you were left.
Speaker 2:I mean now, I would still walk by, I would ask for your permission or I would see if you would go with me.
Speaker 1:Okay, but yeah, like. So that's what I'm saying. Like, to me, love is a thing where it's one of those things where it really is something that stays the same but the variables around it change. But it's just a choice that I made For me. It's a choice I make daily. But, like I said, the falling in love with you was a feeling that I got when I saw you the first time.
Speaker 2:Oh, darn you, Gil, I love you. Yeah, you're all right, I love you, you all right. That was a good discussion, babe. Okay, that was a good discussion.
Speaker 1:Are you over a crime and shit?
Speaker 2:Well, I mean, I tried not to, but you know the love just.
Speaker 1:Now you being fake.
Speaker 2:The love, just like you know, just spilled in. So now that was a really good discussion. I appreciate that that was a good discussion, happy to enjoy it, yeah. I did. I enjoyed it. Now we're going into my favorite section so we can wrap this up, and that is our two cents Time to have a little fun.
Speaker 1:I'm hoping it is messy as last week.
Speaker 2:I mean, I don't know.
Speaker 1:We'll see.
Speaker 2:No, it's not as messy, but you know, I still want to get your thoughts. Okay. So our two cents guys reaction time. Okay. My boyfriend told me I'm not a princess so he wouldn't treat me like one. I've been dating my boyfriend for two years now. We had a baby 10 months ago.
Speaker 2:We were fighting two days ago because I told him he never takes me out on dates or ask me out anywhere. I'm always the one to ask him to go out and I have to pay when we go. I have to pay and I have to plan. So I told him I was sad about it, which turned into an argument. He told me we have a baby and we don't have time for that and going out will just cost him money.
Speaker 2:I told him that he never does anything special for me, like give me flowers or plan a date, and he got mad. He told me I'm not a princess, so I should stop acting like this and stop asking to be treated special. I'm not asking for too much as a girl, I just want to feel like I am special. I love flowers, I love going out on dates, but it seems like it's a big deal to him. It's been two days since the fight and I just can't get over it because of the things he said. He already has said that before and he said it again, which really hurt me. I carried his baby for nine months only to be treated like nothing special.
Speaker 1:First of all, you carried y'all baby. You ain't going to like me on this one.
Speaker 2:Oh gosh, here we go, here we go.
Speaker 1:You're not going to like me on this one.
Speaker 2:Why? Because you side with him.
Speaker 1:I'm on his side, 100%.
Speaker 2:Why are you on his side?
Speaker 1:Let me tell you why that man to me I don't know, I don't have all the details, this is just my take that man to me is focused on providing for you and your child and the child. The very line to him saying he don't have the money to take you out, he don't have the money to plan. I don't know what your financial situation is, but it seems like he's focused on trying to build something so you guys can have a more comfortable life, and all he's receiving from you. I'm not saying this is how he's perceiving it, but this is how I believe he's perceiving it. You're just nagging him. He's trying to build something and you want him to detour a fund so that you can have a feeling and not live in the reality and the fact of the reality that he's trying to build something for you.
Speaker 2:I can understand that. Let me tell you I do not agree with that.
Speaker 1:I know you do.
Speaker 2:Let me tell you why. First of all, when you talk about taking care of the child nine times out of 10, it is mom who was primarily caring for that child Nine times out of 10.
Speaker 1:Not over here.
Speaker 2:Who primarily cares for her? Are you talking about our child?
Speaker 1:I don't know.
Speaker 2:She's a newborn, like I said nine times out of 10, it is mom who was caring for that child. You're worried. It is mom who was doing most of the nurturing. It would behoove you to ensure mom is always in the best situation possible.
Speaker 1:If.
Speaker 2:I'm telling you. It doesn't sound like she's asking for much. Like she said, I like flowers. You think is it going to break the bank for you to go buy her some flowers?
Speaker 1:Everyone listen, you don't know where she flowers.
Speaker 2:Listen, listen. You know, for me, love language is one of my love languages gift giving and not because I just like to receive things. I like to know that at some point in your day you thought of me and then you chose to chose that in something. You brought me water bottles. Before that you thought that I would like, and I was super appreciative of it. It's the fact that you still cared enough to have a thought about hold on that. You cared enough to have a thought about me and you said look, babe, I thought about you today. Here's some flowers. Look, babe, I was just thinking about you and I want you to know that.
Speaker 2:I know things are tough right now and we got a lot going on, and I know I haven't been here much because I'm working, because we still trying to build stuff, and I know we haven't gone out, but I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you. That's mainly what she's trying to say. So when she's saying like she wants to go on dates or she wants to get flowers or things like that, that's what she's saying. She just wants a little bit of his time. She just wants a little bit of his attention.
Speaker 1:I will tell you I'm not done.
Speaker 2:I will tell you that when, after I had our daughter, I remember just saying to myself so many times I miss me. I miss me Like, okay, but you, what you guys don't understand is not, you don't understand, like, the changes that your body is already going through, the transition that you're having. You guys are having a transition too, but we had to carry the baby, we had to give birth to the baby. We have to deal with the hormones. We also have to deal with the way we feel about ourselves. We went from where it was just you and I were probably having a date, was, you know, not a problem? You probably took me out all the time because we only had to worry about ourselves to now there, since we have a child.
Speaker 2:Now you're trying to tell me I can't get any of what we used to have because we have a child. It takes nothing for you to be thoughtful. If flowers are too expensive. You know what she would love. Even better is if you went out somewhere and pick the flowers and said babe, you know what I can't afford. Listen, I can't afford to buy you like the beautiful flowers that I know you deserve, but I picked up this rose or this lily somewhere and I thought of you and brought it's the thought that's an excuse.
Speaker 1:Say like you can't afford to take somebody out, let me answer. Let me answer. Well, I agree with some of what you said. Okay.
Speaker 2:Not all of it, okay.
Speaker 1:One. You don't know their situation, their financial situation.
Speaker 1:We don't we don't, but I will agree that I do. I am a subscriber to. It is upon me, as your husband, to occasionally let you know that I am thinking about you, so I do think that he can do. You know, I mean, every once in a while he could do a small gesture, but I can. All. Being in his situation, like, especially like when we first had Phoenix, my mind was I got to get some, I got to get this money because this baby costs money.
Speaker 2:Right, but when you recognize that I wasn't in the good space, Right, so it's like she also needs to take in taking a consideration and taking consideration his state of mind, absolutely Right.
Speaker 1:He's not thinking, he's not. He's probably. It's not that he's not thinking about you. He's thinking about the unit. He's not thinking about you individually, right, he's thinking about your family as a whole. He's thinking about the family as a whole. So right now that's his priority, Right. So like so I would say just cut off some slack.
Speaker 2:I think you, you both are going through a transition and especially first child and being young, not a lot of resources. That's going to be tough and that presents its own stresses, right, but you have to be able to take, take in what each other is saying. Like if he is saying that there is no money for dates, okay, but you can be creative. We eat dinner every night, don't we? Why can't we? Why can't we do something where we set up a date in the living room or in the car, Like you've done that before. We used to get two dollar bowls and have a date.
Speaker 1:That was before kids and we were struggling. That was the best I could do.
Speaker 2:But what I'm saying is that you still made the effort.
Speaker 1:But my thing is is like I would ask her before the kids because they're not married, they're boys and they're girlfriend Before the kid what was the dynamic then? Because you can't expect the dynamic to change so drastically even after the kid.
Speaker 2:Okay, well, I would just say give each other a grace and take into account of each other's feelings. It's going to be a transition. Try to work together. Don't lose sign of communication. Just continue to like, talk, work it out and get creative, but find the time to have with each other.
Speaker 1:And he also. You have to understand as a man, you have to be in that headspace A lot of times. As men, we're not in that headspace, just like the other night when you were like I just want time with you.
Speaker 2:Get creative.
Speaker 1:I need time with you. Okay, I'm not saying that because I'm focused on everything else, but you reminded me. We have that time together Now it is his job to respond in kind.
Speaker 2:That's our two cents.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you get four, whatever?
Speaker 2:This has been another episode of Life After I Do, If you're not already. Please follow, like, share, comment, all the things.
Speaker 1:We are all digitally streaming platforms at Life.
Speaker 2:After I Do podcast. You can follow us on TikTok, Instagram, Facebook and YouTube at Life After I Do podcast. If you want to reach out to us personally, you can reach out to us at LifeAfterIDoPodcast at gmailcom. And until next week, peace.
Speaker 1:Peace, bye.