Life After I Do Podcast
Marriage and relationships can be tough. You may feel like you’re the only one struggling but you’re not. Life After I do is a weekly podcast where Morice and Kynesha, a black married millennial couple, share their experiences and advice on everything from kids and family to intimacy and connection. Noting is off limits.
In their 24 years together and 10 years of marriage, Morice and Kynesha have learned a lot about what it takes to make a relationship work. They know the importance of communication, trust and commitment. They also know it’s okay to not have it all figured out.
Join them every Wednesday as they talk about their own journey of “Life After I do”.
Life After I Do Podcast
Tackling Depression
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This episode candidly delves into the challenging journey, unraveling the impact of depression on relationships. From the struggles with motivation and intimacy to coping with loss, the discussion sheds light on the complexities couples face.
The narrative underscores the significance of self-care and the crucial role of understanding and supporting a partner through the storm. Setting boundaries and mutual investment in the relationship take center stage, offering a realistic view of the shared responsibilities and challenges.
This episode isn't just about sharing experiences; it's a catalyst for dialogue, guiding partners through the labyrinth of depression in marriage without losing sight of their personal needs. Tune in every Wednesday for more insightful episodes of Life After I Do.
Thanks for rocking with us! Don’t forget to follow Life After I Do so you never miss an episode. Got a relationship situation you want us to weigh in on? Hit us at https://beacons.ai/laidpodcast — we just might talk about it in a future episode.
Navigating Depression in a Marriage
Speaker 1I can't love you if I'm not loving myself, right? I can't be happy for you if I'm not happy for myself. And so if I'm trying to support you I can't love you more than you love yourself. And if I'm trying to support you and I'm doing, and I'm trying to support you in every way you're telling me you need support, but every time I try something, it's backfiring and it's making me feel down. At some point I need to take a break and stop trying for me, because now we're both gonna be in the same situation.
Speaker 2Hey everybody and welcome back to another episode of Life After I Do. I am your host, nisha G, and I am once again joined here with my co-host.
Speaker 1Your husband.
Speaker 2My husband, my lethal Maurice Kil.
Speaker 1My lethal.
Speaker 2Also known as my lethal. You can call your man, never mind.
Speaker 1Say it.
Speaker 2How was your week, babe?
Speaker 1It was a normal week, nothing exciting happening, nothing bad happening.
Speaker 2That's good I got through it.
Speaker 1I'm down a couple pounds Nice, and we just take the small victories over here.
Speaker 2Yep, we just take the small victories lead to victory. I don't know what it is, but I really want a pizza. It's just your mind playing trick on you. Actually, you can. I can make you a healthy one. You remember when I used to make the cauliflower pizza? I'm not even sounding, but you used to like them. When I made them or did you pretend, I pretended, no, you didn't, you liked it you would eat like two of them.
Speaker 1Yes. Maybe when you said that, no, you didn't, you liked it. That made me think about vampire and Brooklyn.
Speaker 2Bye, no, but seriously, now you got me thinking about it because I remember like I used to put all the veggies on there. I made the one with the vegan sausage that one time.
Speaker 1I don't like vegan anything.
Speaker 2Why are you sitting up here capping?
Speaker 1I don't really like it. I just eat it to support you. I just be trying to be supportive. You got to also understand that that was a big life where I was trying to get you to cook more.
Speaker 2Marie, stop, that's not even we're talking recently.
Speaker 1What are you talking about?
Speaker 2I made a homemade cauliflower pizza. No, I haven't made the cauliflower pizza, but you're trying to act like you don't have like plant-based and vegan meals.
Speaker 1Oh, no, I'm not saying we don't Often Stop it.
Speaker 2That was what I was trying to get you to act like.
Speaker 1I'm saying like third vegan meals that you make, that are fire, but they're not like, they don't have like vegan meat and they're just like just all veggie meat yeah, all veggies.
Speaker 2Yes, I can. Okay, if you don't want. Obviously, if you don't want the processed vegan meat, I can also make the actual meat.
Speaker 1I don't want no jackfruit.
Speaker 2I don't have to make it with jackfruit. I also know how to make it with walnuts. Okay, I mean, this doesn't matter.
Speaker 1If you need it here or there, we don't need it. How was your week? Love my goodness, Because you turned up tonight.
Speaker 2You're on Because you're so irritating sometimes.
Speaker 1Why? Because I love you, no, because I be speaking them facts.
Speaker 2No, you don't. Your perception of time is like your daughter's it's off.
Speaker 1And your USB drive is always short on memory. What?
Speaker 2That was a good one. Anywho, yeah, my week was. It was pretty routine. You know, same old, same old Her schedule, baby girl schedule and just like my normal routine things at home running errands, cleaning the house, doing laundry.
Speaker 1I was going to say this I don't know what day I came home, but, like I said, oh, this house was clean, clean. Yeah, she was on. I said something, it was probably Monday. I don't know what day I said she was on her Cinderella today.
Speaker 2Really Good damn. Bye Cinderella today.
Speaker 1I walked in, I said ooh. I said I don't even want to put my lunch in the sink right now.
Speaker 2It was probably Monday, because Monday I did the floors.
Speaker 1I don't know.
Speaker 2I walked in I said, oh, I did the floors on Monday and usually when I do the floors it's like you know, like the scent from the cleaning stuff, like makes the house smell good.
Speaker 1I said she must have been a baby.
Speaker 2I'm sure I don't think it gave off that vibes. If it did. If it did, let me smell some juice on the floor. Let me go ahead and do what the opposite.
Speaker 1I walked in and the house was like I said it smelled good and looked good. In here I said, oh my God, everything is glistening.
Speaker 2And then you do what you normally do. You come in and you empty out your damn lunch fail and you put dishes right in the sink when you don't see any dishes.
Speaker 1Ma'am, I have to get the bed. I don't have time to wash dishes at dinner.
Speaker 2You could put them in the dishwasher.
Speaker 1You know, I don't want my brain to go there. My brain goes. Let's see.
Speaker 2I'd be like who puts dishes in a sink where you see that there's no dishes? If you see there's no dishes, that must mean the person didn't want dishes in there. Can I ask you a question? I don't know, Is it about dishes?
Speaker 1What's the purpose of the sink?
Speaker 2Maurice, we're not going there. Stop it, just stop. I'm just saying the purpose of the sink is to give the water that comes from the faucet somewhere to go.
Speaker 1But that water is for what? Rensing cups oh okay, what we got today baby.
Speaker 2Anywho, no, I wasn't done telling you about my week, my bad. Well, go ahead, boo, Speak your truth. Like I was saying, baby Girl had Friday off, so I was kind of excited about that. I was excited about that Because, for one, that meant I didn't have to get up super early and deal with her nonsense that she be having going on these past few weeks. She going to be late, but she still moves at a snail's pace. Make it make sense.
Speaker 1She's not going to be late with extension.
Speaker 2She's so terrified about being late places, but yet she doesn't have any type of pep in her step.
Speaker 1She don't move at all.
Speaker 2At all. She moves at a snail's pace. I'd be like Phoenix you're so concerned with being late that it causes you to be inactive in your movement.
Speaker 1She don't move.
Speaker 2But I was happy that her and I got to sleep in a little bit so we didn't have to get up as early. We got an extra day together and earlier today I was holding onto her and squeezing her really tight because I was love bombing her and I was like I love you, I'm so happy that you're here, and she was like okay, okay, so that was fun. Other than that, it was a pretty routine week, pretty successful week, so I'm excited about that. That was good, and your week was good too.
Speaker 1So overall, I paid bills and made money.
Speaker 2Yeah, so everybody do what they ever do.
Speaker 1Now I got an ad. You got to cast that. Check in room.
Speaker 2Okay, so today we're going to be talking about something that everyone kind of experiences it at one point or another. But it does get a little bit more challenging when you're experiencing it and going through it in a marriage, especially when your partner is the one that's going through it or vice versa, and that's depression In today's climate. I think everyone has their moments where they're feeling down or feeling low or actually feeling depressed. You have people who are clinically depressed, some people it can get as bad as having to take medication or all different kinds of things that it ranges. You know what I mean. But going through a depression with someone, in my opinion, presents its own level of concerns and level of issues and problems, because even when you're the one that's depressed, I feel like you still are conscious that there is somebody else there. Oh, yeah.
Speaker 2Listen to what I'm saying. You are still aware that there is somebody else there, and even when you're not at your best because of your depression, it can sometimes even make it worse because you know that you're not being your best self and that could be hindering your partner. Okay, do you agree? Elaborate, because obviously you think differently.
Speaker 1I mean, I can only speak from experience. Okay, when I was in the depress, I wasn't thinking about you.
Speaker 2Right, but that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1I wasn't thinking about you at all. Okay, so I saw you and I thought about you in passing, when I would see you.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1But every waking moment alone, all I was just in my feelings, right, and I was just dealing with what I was dealing with. But I wasn't necessarily, I wasn't honestly trying to avoid the outside world. So if I'm trying to avoid the outside world, I'm not really embracing you.
Speaker 2Okay.
Speaker 2So I mean for me, when I'm, you know, in my low moments or having, you know, depression moments, for me, I'm aware that you're there and because I'm aware that you're there and I'm already having these like moments with myself and I'm having my own pity parties and, you know, all the negativity is kind of coming in and I'm not putting up the guard against the negativity.
Speaker 2Me having the awareness that you are still there and me not being at the, you know, being my best self also means for me that I'm not either participating in our relationship or I'm not, you know, giving you what I perceive that you need for the moment, or I'm aware that I'm putting you on the back burner because mentally and emotionally I just don't have the space right now. That's what I mean, and then from that, it further reinforces what I'm feeling about myself. Right, because I know that I'm not taking my partner into account, because in this moment it's just, it's just about me and my feelings and what I'm going through and what I'm trying to get through. Does that make sense? So that's so. That's that's what I mean by you know, being aware, like of, of your partner.
Speaker 1You know, I just say, like the most moments when I'm depressed, I'm not aware that I'm depressed until after I've been in it for a couple of days.
Speaker 2Yeah, what are? What are some of the? Takes me into the question what are some of the signs for you? That kind of like? It's kind of like that thing you might hear like oh shit, Okay, I know what this is because my biggest sign is just lack of motivation.
Speaker 1And when, like when, I ain't showered in three, four days, right Self care, I'm like whoa I said. You know, sometimes, like, when I get up, I'm like man. I ain't shaped my head, I ain't shaped at all. Like my beard is a mess, my, my, my full of Jefferson is in.
Speaker 2I mean, George rocked it.
Speaker 1So I'm looking rough all the way around. Um, I mean, I'm picking up two day old food off my shirt. Okay, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2I mean, I haven't witnessed that.
Navigating Depression in a Relationship
Speaker 1You know, I'm just, I'm just saying like, like witness that like that's. That's what it is now. Now, in the past, you know, going through what I went through, it was oh man, I'm on my third bottle of tequila and it's Thursday.
Speaker 2I don't remember you drinking that much I was drinking a lot. I was I mean you were drinking, but I don't remember. I don't remember you drinking like you weren't like borderline alcoholic, see, unless you were drinking away from home.
Speaker 1I wasn't drinking away from home. You have. You don't remember what our schedules were like.
Speaker 2I mean we were kind of going and passing because that was back at I feel like that was at the, the height of the height of my ambitious self. So I was like on a mission and I was gone.
Speaker 1So you got to understand. During that period you were gone like 16, 18 hours a day.
Speaker 2I was gone a lot because I was on a mission and I would come home from work.
Speaker 1if I even went to work eight, nine in the morning, I'd probably drink around 11, drink around one, drink around two, nap. You would come home, then I'd have a drink with dinner, then I would nap and go to work. I was drinking a lot. You didn't see it because you wasn't there.
Speaker 2But now I probably didn't see it, also because I had a lot of tunnel vision.
Speaker 1Right.
Speaker 2Cause you're so focused on, because I was focused on your ambition work.
Speaker 1It worked in my favor. Goodbye, goodbye.
Speaker 2It worked.
Speaker 1Cause I'm telling you right now, cause we didn't have a lot of money back then and I would go, I would go get my Jose and I would either have shot Silver or gold Silver and I would have. I would either take shots or I would go get you. Remember the, the, the blue Hawaiian punch? I would mix it with that. So a lot of times I'd be drinking it right in front of you. You even think I'm just drinking Hawaiian punches. Like no, it's alcohol in here and I would just drink. I got this and this is how, like I'm like okay, I need to slow down, I'm doing too much.
Speaker 2I mean for me, on the outside, looking in, being your partner which you know goes to the other section that I wanted to talk about like, how does the depression affect your partner? Me on the outside, looking in, I could see the lack of motivation, I could see the lack of initiative, which is what you know. I think my biggest complaint was at that time because you weren't, you weren't, you weren't going to work like you were supposed to be Stop going to school. And you stopped going to school. And for me, like I said, you know, back in back, at that time, it was like the height of my and, like I said, ambitious self. You know what I mean. So I'm like going to school full time, working two jobs. He has a job. He was going to school. He stopped Like he would go to work maybe two, maybe three days out of the week and no, no, yes.
Speaker 1I would go to work like I would like two or three days out of the week.
Speaker 2You were using your time and I used to remember the joke was always I used to always say if you weren't part of a union, you would not have a job, like the only reason why you have a job is because you're a part of the union. And I guess apparently I don't know, I've never been a part of a union, but apparently it's not that easy to like fire somebody.
Speaker 1Well, I will say this it wasn't, it wasn't. The union helped a lot. I also had shots out to him. I'm not going to say their names, but I had two managers that understood what I was going through and cut me a lot of slack.
Speaker 2Yeah, and I think that's what it was, because you know again being your partner on the outside, looking in and, mind you, this was before we were married. But that's another reason why I feel as though I didn't pressure you as much, because I knew you were having a hard time.
Speaker 1So for people. Let me put this in perspective for people, and in a year and a half I missed 149 days of work. It's ridiculous. In a year and a half, it's ridiculous, I don't know.
Speaker 2It's nothing but God that the man still has a job. It's nothing but God that the man still has progressed at the same job.
Speaker 1Like when I, when I because I remember, I remember when I got the letter and I was like dang, really Like it's been that, like that was kind of like a wake up call too. I was like, man, it's been that, like you, you're going to be unemployed Now. Now, luckily for me, because of the union status I have. You know, they can't just go straight to termination, they got to go, hey.
Speaker 1They got to go through steps, I got to stop, yeah. And when they got to step two, I was like okay, I can't lose my job, I'll do my job. She leaving for show for you.
Speaker 2Yeah, it's like listen here and I'm and I'm really sensitive to what you're going through. And just to give you guys a little background, he went through a really bad depression when he lost his grandparents and it was it was kind of, you know, a kind of a back to back thing, cause it was on.
Speaker 1It was back to back.
Speaker 2It was what how long in between it?
Speaker 1It was. It was I lost the three most important people to me, three years in a row, like I couldn't get over one without the next one happening. Right, it was, it was, it was really bad.
Speaker 2So it was. It was one of those things where you you can totally understand all you know the domino effect that it caused, especially being so young like we were. What 22, 22, 23, um, somewhere around there, no like 21, 22.
Speaker 1No 22, 23.
Speaker 2Okay. So where we were in our very early twenties and there was a lot going on, you know what I mean. We were out on our own. We had like our own place, our own bills, our own space, like there was a lot going on and we had a lot of responsibilities early on.
Speaker 1We had that Chihuahua that we still have now.
Speaker 2That's my baby, um, we. But we had a lot going on and you know we've been together since high school, so we've had basically our game plan of like what, what the game plan was going to be. You know, once we moved out, finished college, got like the whole thing, you know, like your five year plans in your plan, um, and so when all of this started to happen, obviously a lot of those things got derailed and he went into a very deep, deep depression and it was one of those things from the outside, looking in, from my perspective, um, the way I describe it is like when you get so down, so far down a black hole, that you don't even realize that you are in a hole, like that, you don't even realize that you're not within light. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1Yeah, that's how you feel.
Speaker 1To say it, like, looking back now, I had good weeks and I had bad weeks.
Speaker 1It wasn't like I was missing, like I had some weeks where I went to work all week Now I may come home early a couple of days, but I went in there all week but it wasn't consistent.
Speaker 1It wasn't consistent. And I've had some days where I was my normal self and I could do things and I had some type of drive, and then I would be triggered by memory or a moment and it would just crush the week and it was like and now, looking back, I was like, yeah, what I should have did was talk to somebody. I should have been talking to somebody to help me figure out what I was going through, but at the time being 22, 23, figuring all this out on my own, literally just being thrusted out into the world, like recently, and now I have like no support. Now I'm looking like all I have is you Cause it's like I had no one else really there to hold me up. So that was, it was devastating to me and it was something that I will still say to this day was mainly my biggest, like my biggest comeback. My biggest comeback.
Speaker 2Yeah, and when you say that it was devastating to you, like I feel like it was devastating. It was devastating for me to watch you go through that right, because, as the partner on the outside, how do you help your partner? You know what I mean. Like I could be there for you, I could hold you, I could tell you everything's going to be okay. Like I could be the listening ear, the shoulder you need to cry on. But like, what else can I do? Like you almost feel hope, you almost feel helpless.
Speaker 2You know what I mean, because this is somebody that you love. Like I knew that he was going to be my husband. So it's like I'm already looking at him and I'm like this, this is my husband. How do I help him in the lowest place where he is right now? And, like you said, you did have weeks where you, you know, you felt like you were kind of like normal and for me, on the outside, looking in, that's where depression gets a little tricky sometimes, because one minute you could feel like things are on the up and up and it's like, okay, we're slowly creeping out of the storm, and then bam.
Speaker 1Like a brick wall.
Navigating Depression and Coping With Loss
Speaker 2It's like hitting the brick wall, and now we've regressed all the way back to point zero and we've got to work our way back up the steps again.
Speaker 1You know, I remember it, my grandmother passed 19 days after my birthday. That's how I know I was 22. Okay, it was 19 days after my birthday she passed. So my grandma passed when I was 22,. My grandfather passed when I was 21. And then it was one of the things we know. Then, the year before my grandfather passed, my aunt passed, right. So then it's one of those things where this time of year I hate this time of year. I do not like this time of year. I'm not a festive person. I don't get in the mood because I think about September's hardest month for me, because it's my grandparents' birthdays, it's their wedding anniversary. It's like I know I remember all that every year, every year, every day. It's rough, right, and then Christmas is always like one of those. Like I get some enjoyment of Christmas now because of you know, because of Phoenix and her face and all that, but with my aunt's birthday being Christmas Eve, it's like it's I'm thinking about-.
Speaker 1It's a constant reminder, it's a constant reminder. And you know, my aunt had a thing where she did every Christmas morning Like she would wake people up singing the same song, and it's like it's the first thing I think about that day. And it's like it's like how can you, you know, not deal or not have to process those emotions every day or every time that's coming around? So like it would be things like that, so like I would have good moments, like I'd be good in the summer.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1You know what I mean. And then the second fall hit, and now I'm thinking about they would have been this age this year. You know what I'm saying. And then it's like, once the winter hits, it's like, yeah, I'm a shell of myself, and then it would kind of take spring for me to get back normal. Then I'd have another good summer. And then fall we hit.
Speaker 1It was just like a, it was just a cycle that I would constantly go through for years and it's like and I know, like you tried to help me, like I mean, you did help me, like you stayed around, you didn't just throw me out, whatever. But it's like I understand that that at that moment now, looking back, there's really nothing you could have done, because it's one of those things where it is like depression really is a internal battle with yourself and it's a fight that you really have to fight daily, because a lot of times, like we were saying earlier, like I was saying earlier, like you don't understand what you're in it until you're all the way down there it's like, oh my God, like how did I get here? But and then, like a lot of times, it's like you activate the fighter flight and a lot of times it's just flight, it's like you just soak into it. So I mean I suffer from that heavily.
Speaker 2It's like you give into it. Yeah, and you know for I know. For me, the way my depression is is I've always been given a good face, right. Nobody ever knows Like. I mean, of course you might, because you're with me, you know me, but I'm talking about on the outside, oh yeah, no one knows you, no one, no one knows.
Speaker 1No, I was still. I was a great actor.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1But I wasn't you know. Maurice said it's gonna go and hang out with you. I'm at the work, I'm going home.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1And if you're not talking about playing Call of Duty or something, you're not gonna see me yeah.
Speaker 2That's See, like I feel like. For me, I can be the opposite.
Speaker 1Are you on God's there?
Speaker 2Like I can, because for me it's like I don't know how to explain it when I'm in, I call it like my deep space. You know, when I'm in my deep space it's almost.
Speaker 1Voice like that. Huh, my deep space.
Speaker 2I do it like I don't not like an. I do it, but it's more of a thing like when I get to myself. You know what I mean, but I know how it shows up in my life. So when I get to a point where, like I don't want, like when I don't want to do things right, yes, I like my clean the house every day, but then you start noticing it's like, but I'm not gonna clean the room or I'm not gonna do this, you're gonna clean the areas we use.
Speaker 2Right, Like that's it. I'm not gonna put in much effort to do anything else. It's like yeah, I'm not gonna comb my hair today.
Speaker 1You know what's the telltale time? When you're not cleaning yourself and you're down For who, for you, for me yeah. When you go a couple of days about wearing a bra.
Speaker 2I know that too.
Speaker 1I said she ain't wearing a bra in three days.
Speaker 2Well, because that's also that, and that goes to one of the points that you know how it shows up in your life and how it affects you, I mean it affects me. It's self care.
Speaker 1Don't get me wrong. I have no problem with you not wearing a bra.
Speaker 2Bye. But it's the self care portion. You know, like how you said not showering, not doing my hair, not doing basic, you shower regardless. No, I will shower regardless, I won't.
Speaker 1I just like yeah.
Speaker 2I will still shower, like for myself.
Speaker 1I will live in that room for three days.
Speaker 2But you know, it's just something that I feel like mine is more closeted. If that makes sense, does that make sense? Like you know, I get this thing where I don't want anyone to think that I'm not OK.
Speaker 1Hmm.
Speaker 2That's what it is.
Speaker 2That's enough, because I never do it and it sucks sometimes because if I do, for instance, I have outlets, I have you, I have my best friend, things like that. But what if I'm having a moment where I'm not feeling the greatest and I am down and I'm a little depressed or whatever? And when I try to utilize one of my outlets, it's always like, really, I didn't even think that you were feeling that way. You're always so, you're always so happy, You're always so positive. I try to have a positive outlook pretty much across the board. It's like how I try to genuinely live my life. But I am human and I do have moments where I'm not feeling the greatest and I'm not there mentally Like I've told you before where I'll be like I just don't have it mentally, like I just, I really just I'm not trying to be, I'm not trying to be a bitch or anything, I'm not trying to act like, I'm not trying to interact with you, but I really just don't have it.
Depression's Impact on Relationships
Speaker 2Right now I'm mentally exhausted, I'm physically exhausted because I'm mentally exhausted and then I start playing, you know, all of the recordings that I have in my head about myself and that just makes it worse because it causes me to be inactive in aspects of my life and then when that happens, then it's like okay, well, that just reinforces the negative talk that's happening in my head. You know what I mean. So that's why I always say it's tricky sometimes because, like how you said, you don't know you're in it until you're in it. You know. But what I also wanted to talk about was the areas of the relationship that depression can impact, right?
Speaker 1I think it impacts every area.
Speaker 2It does impact every area. Some of the some of the point in it. You know areas that it does impact, especially when you are married and you have a partner that's going through depression. One of the biggest areas, too, can impact is intimacy.
Speaker 1I think us as a man. We're going to find a reason to be intimate.
Speaker 2You're going to get over that You're going to be like. That is what's going to bring me out of the difference. It's going to help. That's going to help.
Speaker 1It's going to definitely trigger some endorphins.
Speaker 2Yeah, but for me and I know for a lot of women it is not that way at all. That's like not even on the list of things that has to get done.
Speaker 1Really.
Speaker 2Really, that's how I'd be feeling when I'm down and out. I'd be like I mean, I'm straight.
Speaker 1If you start, I'm free.
Speaker 2Okay.
Speaker 1I can't stay when you say that shit.
Speaker 2I got to make sure you straight.
Speaker 1I mean, I just go ahead and get it.
Speaker 2Just do your business.
Speaker 1No, I'm good.
Speaker 2He just climbed on me and did his business.
Speaker 1This is not a color purple situation over here.
Speaker 2No, it's not I would just walk out. But no, I'm good. No, but seriously, it affects for me. The emotional gets affected, so therefore the physical gets affected. Like I said, I can get physically exhausted because I'm mentally exhausted. Does that make sense? So I'm not always it makes purposes of me because I'm exhausted every day.
Speaker 1I don't have a very physical job, right.
Speaker 2Right, it's the mental, so the intimacy portion can greatly suffer. Not wanting to be intimate, not wanting to be close, not wanting to or having the desire to to be physically intimate with your partner because of depression. I think that's really huge Right, because then that can spill over into other areas like family, kids, self-care. All of it gets tied into each other. You know, I agree, I really am agree.
Speaker 2So what advice would you give a friend who is married and who has a partner who is depressed and they're trying to navigate the difficulties of being a supportive partner to a partner who is depressed?
Speaker 1I would just say, at the end of the day, all you can do is be there for them in whatever way they allow you to be there for them, because you have to always say, when it comes to healing and forgiving, it is not your timetable, it is their timetable. You have to be there for them in whatever capacity they allow you to be there for them and just encourage them to have someone to talk to. That's it. It's that simple to me, see. I mean, if they don't want to talk to a professional, they have to talk to a friend. It's really that simple.
Speaker 2Yeah, make sure you have an outlet If it's to a point where professional intervention needs to come in.
Speaker 1I mean, it's never a bad idea to have a professional intervention.
Speaker 2It really isn't. It really isn't. But if you just feel like the best way you can help your partner is by encouraging them to get professional help, then I always say like that should be something. What are you doing?
Speaker 1I should go all wrinkled in.
Navigating Depression in Relationships
Speaker 2Oh my gosh, that should be something that should be on the table. You know what I mean Encouraging to get some type of professional help, because it can be difficult, and, like how you said, being there for them in the capacity that they allow you, but sometimes, when you're, when you're in it, you don't even know how you could be best be supported.
Speaker 1Well, I mean, you don't know, but I'm saying like, from the outside, looking at it, it's like, it's like any, it's like anything in a relationship, regardless of what, whether if your partner is a press upset you know dealing with anxiety, whatever it is, the their timetable has to be their timetable. You can't force, you can't force your timetable on them. So you can't, you can't say, oh, she should, she should be over, or he should be over by now, or no, it's like their timetable.
Speaker 1Their timetable, that's one. That's. One thing I always say is like it's up to them to be ready to, you know, get out of that situation. Regardless of what that situation is, it's up to them to be able to be able to start making the steps to get back to where it was previously.
Speaker 2Okay, that's pretty fair.
Speaker 1No, it's not pretty fair, it's fair.
Speaker 2No, okay, don't think it's so defensive.
Speaker 1I'm not defensive about it, it's factual.
Speaker 2Okay, so I mean, but basically, in a nutshell, like navigating depression in general is difficult, right, Everyone shows depression in different ways and when you're navigating depression with a partner, even when it's difficult to know that you still have a partner there, the purpose of you, like you know, having being married and having a partner is to know that you still have somebody there that you can lean on, somebody that you can trust, somebody who's going to be there for you to hold you while you go through this and support you.
Speaker 1Right, and the big thing as a partner, what you need to do is show them that you support them, right, right Now. I am in favor of you, show them support, but you, you also have to have your limits as well, because you don't want you know, granted, you don't want what they're going to going through to take a toll on you to the, to the point to where now it's starting to affect you negatively, mm-hmm, you know. So there has to be this right where you can't be supported. So there has to be, there has to be limits on. I mean, as as wrong as it sounds, there has to be limits, like because, at the end of the day, like I can't love you if I'm not loving myself, right, I can't be happy for you if I'm not happy for myself.
Speaker 2And so if I'm trying to support you, I can't love you more than you love yourself.
Speaker 1Right, and if I'm trying to support you and I'm doing, and I'm trying to support you in every way, you're telling me you need to support it. But every time I, I try something, it's backfiring and it's making me feel down. At some point I'm I need to take a break and stop trying for me, because now we're both going to be in the same situation. Yeah, and I'm saying because like, well, damn, if I, you, you, you've, you've already, you're already in the dumps or in your deep space, right, mm-hmm. And if I'm starting to feel like, well, shit, I can't do anything, right, you know there's like, well, what do I do? Now I'm starting to feel helpless. But now we got two people that are like, oh, we're both helpless. Now you know what I'm saying Right.
Speaker 1So there has to be a limit on what is tolerated and and like dished out, so to speak.
Speaker 2So that kind of makes me think about, like how you talked about the ultimatum.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2I kind of feel like that's, that's kind of like what that was.
Speaker 1I mean, the ultimatum was fair. I was fucking up.
Speaker 2Yeah, but I mean it, but it wasn't. It didn't come from a place of like trying to mirror to you your mishaps and your fuckups or whatever. You know it was coming from a place of like. Okay, you know time has passed. We were like two years, I believe, in or so, after all of this.
Speaker 1Like three, four years.
Speaker 2Yeah, it was. It was some, it was some significant time, but the remnants of his depression and the habits that he picked up during the depression were pretty much becoming a way of life and it was getting to that point, to where I had to really sit down and evaluate my life, like that's what it made me do. It made me sit down and say, okay, what is it that I like, I want, and what is it? You know what it lets to get on a better surface of knowing what it is that you want to and what are we doing here together and what are we still working towards what we set out to work towards? Because we're, like you said, three or four years post. You know your, your trauma, that's happened and we should be making strides so that you personally could be in a better headspace, so that we could get back on our mission as a team to achieve what we wanted to achieve. So that's when I had came to him and I set him down, and it was with love.
Speaker 1You have some anger in there.
Speaker 2I did have, I did, I did, but not like it, but not like anger, like rah, rah, rah. But when we initially sat down and had the conversation, I was very mindful of how I wanted my words to translate to you, because I wanted you to understand that the only reason why I'm bringing it up is because I love you so much and I love what we have built so far and I know what we could be. But if you don't get out of your own way, then it's not like nothing's going to come of this. You know what I mean. And then at some point I'm pretty sure I said that to you that it becomes unfair to me.
Speaker 1Oh no, you said that at least eight times. Okay, bye. That was a key note of the speech.
Speaker 2But I think, I think it is unfair to me. I think the part that got it is unfair to me Goodbye. I think the part that got to you that got through it is unfair.
Speaker 2I did not say like that Stop it. I think the part that got through to you, because I will never, ever forget the look on your face when I said this to you. I had looked you in your face and we had, we were talking and you had said something else to me and I had said something else to you and I just remember I was crying and I was looking at you and I had said to you I said I am happy that I did not marry you.
Speaker 1When you asked yeah, that's kind of hurt.
Speaker 2And the look in your face that hurt. The look in your face. I mean, I could see like it looked, as though like in my head I was like oh my gosh, I just, I just broke him Like that, was it that?
Speaker 1should hurt.
Speaker 2That was it that hurt, and it was not to be mean, but we were having no, it wasn't, we were. We were having hard conversation. You know, and I'm grateful that we were able to have a hard conversation like that and that I was able to be as transparent as I was and you were really able to be as transparent with your responses as you were, because I feel like that's what kind of set the foundation for our marriage. Going into it about us being as honest as we can be when talking to each other and trying to be mindful about when we do need to have a hard conversation. Like it's not going to be. You know, you're like. You may not like what I'm going to say, but this is my truth.
Speaker 1I think that's like the beginning of what we've had a lot of hard conversations as well.
Speaker 2Yeah, but I feel like that's where it kind of started.
Speaker 1I will say this. I will say this my one thing about the ultimate is that the ultimate and was the point to where I actually was probably the first time in that four or five years spent, when I was actually able to look outside myself and actually see how my behavior was affecting your life, affecting you as well as myself.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1Thank you and and low key, like you said when you said that that shit did hurt, like that's why.
Speaker 1I know I saw it in your eyes one just person, um, and but like when you said that it triggered me, it's like, yeah, this is not the life that I would Want to give her, like this is not the life that I promise, or this is not the life we talked about in school. So, yeah, like that did, like trigger something in me to be able to be strong enough to fight my demons. Now I'm not saying that I switched, I changed overnight, absolutely. Lord, Lord knows.
Speaker 2I've not changed over and nor was I looking for a change overnight. I was just looking for the effort, like at that point I could see that there was Very minimal effort that you were putting into your life, good Lord. And the reason why I always say your life is because, like I've always said to you, if we are gonna be in this together and I am to be your wife my life is tied to your life. The decisions that you make are going to impact me. The way you treat yourself is going to impact me. The way you spend your money is going to impact me, like I know you spend my money, goodbye. The way you do, the way you carry yourself and the way you live your life Is going to have an impact on me. Do you know what I mean? And vice versa, the things that I do is going to have an impact on you, because we are doing life together, so don't get me wrong.
Speaker 1There's still some times where I'm like I'm not feeling work this week.
Speaker 2Oh, I know, I know and I and you know, but when you started getting better and when it came to the whole work thing, um, I feel like for me for the longest time, that was always a trigger. Oh, yeah.
Speaker 2Like when you, when I knew it wasn't a situation where you're gonna be missing weeks of work, he would be like, um, oh, I need to take a mental health day and like, instantly, my flags would be like Like I would be flying like flags behind me. It is just a trigger, like a trigger for me. When he was like I'm not gonna go to work today. I'm like uh, hell, you ain't you going to work.
Speaker 1But you are really. You got a lot better at that because I didn't work Monday.
Speaker 2But see, and now it's different. When you take a day off from work, I'd be like, yes, like take a day off, or if I ask you, and I'll be like, hey, so you coming home early on Friday, or you should just take Friday off. You know, because it's different now? Because, for one, we, you know, we have a whole child and To we're in this space where we don't get a lot of time together and I do know how hard you work and I do. You know, see, all the things that you do.
Speaker 2So it's the opposite now, like I would love to have more time with you. If you do have time where you can Use a personal day, or use a mental health day and be home with, like us, or do something for yourself, whether it's, you know, going to the chiropractor or going to get a massage or whatever it is, I'm, I'm game for that. You know what I mean, because I know you're not, you're not missing Four and five days worth of work. I could, I would, I know you would don't don't get it, don't get me.
Speaker 2What a good time. If they still paid him 60 hours not to come in, he would definitely do it.
Speaker 1I'd sleep at home being the good pay.
Speaker 2Bye, but, um, but yeah, you know, but I think it's just one of those things that it's a really tough situation to get through. You don't know what it's gonna look like on the other end and when you're going through it, it could really feel like it could be the end, because you don't know what's going on with your partner, right, you don't know how long. There's like you said, there's no time limit. If your partner is actually truly experiencing Depression, there's no time limit. Well, this could be a week, this could be a month, it could be years. Well, I was in that. For what? Three years, four years?
Speaker 1I would say this from experience it's like nothing's gonna change until that person wants change like, really wants change Like they have to recognize there's a problem like like.
Speaker 1I said like. So when we sat down we had a conversation, you get off there like I wanted change. So that was my driving force behind the way I was moving. You know, I know individuals that are in depression that don't want change right and they let. Any little thing is a trigger, you know, to For them to relapse or not, or not do something, you know. So it's like, I recognize is like yeah, you can have all the right people in your ear that you want, you can have all the positive people around you that you need if you're not willing to make the change internally. That's why I always say it's their timetable. It has to be their timetable because you cannot force them to want to change and that's why I think it's a. It becomes hard on some people because it's like, well, I'm doing everything I can so that he doesn't feel the way or she doesn't feel that way. It was like, yeah, I can rush through and I get that.
Speaker 1Yeah, but what you have to understand is that you want them where you want them, right. You know I'm saying you have to, but, as a lot of times in marriage, you have to meet them where they are, and Then we're, and then and then work from there, ride the wave up. You can't just always Expect the person to be here. This is, you're here, this is what you know I'm saying. So I'm not, by the way, right, it's not always instant. And then the way in the way life is, there's always things being thrown at you. There's always hurdles to jump over, there's always, you know, rocks, so the walk around. So it's like, and if you have a person that can't really navigate their depression or their feelings, they're gonna feel like everything is a setback. You know like a Regular traffic light is the vein of their existence. You know Like everything is more heightened, you know, so it's like you have to understand that it doesn't really matter what you say if that person isn't ready. No, nothing much is gonna change.
Speaker 2Yep, agreed, it's not on your timetable, it is on theirs. Yeah, I Think. I think that's pretty good to To wrap it on up right there. So now we're gonna go into reaction, reaction time, the reaction time.
Speaker 1What you call it, my two cents.
Navigating Marriage With a Partner's Depression
Speaker 2Yes, our two cents. Our two cents before. Being married to someone with a depression really sucks sometimes. That's the title. That's the title.
Speaker 2It's on top of them, yeah my wife and I have been married for ten years and things have gone fairly well, except she suffers from chronic depression and it gets hard to handle at times. She's been in and out of therapy, which helps with her depression, but it gets hard to handle. She gets very unresponsive, leaving me to handle things like the house, taking care of the kids, etc. I love her but, damn, it's a lot to juggle and I genuinely hate At times that I don't feel like I want to talk to her or that I can't talk to her about it since it wouldn't help her mental health and that's really not her fault. I just need to scream and to avoid any advice.
Speaker 1My advice be simple support her and any way you can, but to that point you also need to do things where you can let out your frustration. Right, so you have to Like you need an outlet. You have to find your outlet, your balance, in order to you have to find something to do that will give you enough energy and strength to deal with what she's dealing with.
Speaker 2So basically, you need to make sure your cup is constantly filled so that you can better support and continuously support your wife Because, like you said, you know it's not to a fault of her own that she's going through this, but it does negate the fact that it gets difficult for you as the partner going through it with her. And then one of the aspects of her depression is that she kind of neglects things like taking care of the kids, taking care of the house, so that leaves you taking on more than what you normally would in service of your wife.
Speaker 1Right, and it's a situation to where you have to be 100 with yourself and you know, I wouldn't say I wouldn't hold anything overhead Like you do what you would normally do and then you're going to have to help her with what she would normally do. It's just one of those things where it's one of those things in a marriage a relationship with a marriage where you know, like we said, it's never always 50-50. It's never 50-50. Right, Never. This is one of those times where you're going to have to carry the 80 or you're going to have to carry the 90. And it's like and if she's the one that you believe, she's the one, you that's his wife.
Speaker 1You should be more than willing to do that.
Speaker 2He believed it was the one In sickness and in health.
Speaker 1For richer or richer.
Speaker 2Bye, but I mean it's true. You know, it's not one of those things that's 50-50 and this is a moment where he's going to have to carry the 90 because his wife can only do 10.
Speaker 1I got my 15% off.
Speaker 2This just made me think about something I heard from Brene Brown. Shots out to Brene Brown.
Speaker 2I don't know what it is, but she is she well, she's I guess you can consider her. She's an author and a philanthropist and things like that. I really like her, but she had written a book about conquering bravery and stuff like that. Anywho, I had saw her on an interview and a system that her and her husband use, like when they come home or whatever, and there's things that need to be done. Dinner needs to be cooked, whatever. He'll ask her where are you at? And she'll be like I've only got 40%. And he'll be like okay, well, I'm operating at like 60%.
Speaker 2So I can- so what we ordered, so I can take care of right, I can take care of this, if you you know what I'm saying, but it's kind of like giving each other giving each other like a temperature gauge. You know what I mean. Like what if you're only operating at 20%? At 20%, what can you handle with your 20%?
Speaker 1See, I don't think that'll work for us because I feel like Monday through Friday, I'm at like 20%.
Speaker 2I can only get Monday through Friday. I have to carry 80. I carry 80.
Speaker 1Monday through.
Speaker 2Friday.
Speaker 1On Saturday and Sunday I can give you 85, 90.
Speaker 2You could but do you I don't Okay, so I could you hear that? You hear that? See, that's the toxic trait, y'all.
Speaker 1That's not toxic, because when I need to get you 90, I give it to you.
Speaker 2Okay, but you don't Okay, why won't 90?
Speaker 1This weekend ain't good. Listen, listen to him.
Speaker 2This is what I be going through. This is what I be going through what?
Speaker 1do you know? What it is, baby. It's the busy season.
Speaker 2Oh, I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it. The busy season my foot. I don't want to hear it.
Speaker 1Let me come on, let's we knock off.
Speaker 2But any who? Yes, this is one of those moments where you have to carry the 90. Your wife is only carrying the 10, and that's the part of the teamwork who knows to you. For even you know, like putting yourself out there and saying something about how you're feeling, especially from, like, the husband portion of it all, because I feel like sometimes we don't hear enough of that. So pour into yourself, so that you can continue to pour into your wife.
Speaker 1Yeah, you got another one. That's it. That's it. That's it for today.
Speaker 2That's it. So this has been another episode of Life After I Do. Don't forget to tune in every Wednesday. You get a new episode every Wednesday. Follow us on all social media platforms. We are on TikTok, facebook, instagram, youtube Well, not all of them. The bigger ones, the ones that y'all know about At Life After I Do podcast. Don't forget to like the videos and share. Leave us a comment If you want to reach out to us. You can always reach out to us at Life After I Do Podcasts at gmailcom.
Speaker 1If you, we appreciate all the support.
Speaker 2All the support. Yes, we appreciate the growth. We really do. So if you're not already following us, go ahead and give us a follow and we are going to be on all digital streaming platforms for the podcast itself and until next week. It's booze.
